1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This once again, 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: it's Cold Stratton filling in for Kevin Pollock, who was 3 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,240 Speaker 1: making a documentary at a time a TV Channels first 4 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: expanded the marvelous Basic Cable. It's the day after New 5 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:23,920 Speaker 1: Year's and we've already fucked up all of our resolutions. 6 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 1: How many boys were out there? Don't worry about that, man, 7 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 1: I had to take a oberlus. Let's meet our alchemists today, 8 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,320 Speaker 1: in no particular order. He's starring in a biopic about 9 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,120 Speaker 1: the Cereal mascot sugar Bear, Craig Kakowski. Craig, how do 10 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 1: you plan to make him come to life on the 11 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,879 Speaker 1: big screen? Well, a lot of c g I, but 12 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 1: also some mo cap old school guy in a suit. 13 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 1: Sweet oh boy? Uh. Next up, she's the Queen of emojis, 14 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,560 Speaker 1: Vanessa Raglan v what's the best combo of emojis to 15 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: send a p oh shrug, manicure and then a fruit? 16 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: It has to make sense. Figure it out, You do 17 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:12,039 Speaker 1: them out. He's been tasked with writing a sequel to Yesterday. 18 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 1: Chris Alvarado, Chris, what band disappears from existence in your 19 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:21,000 Speaker 1: follow up film? Um? I think it's Um, I don't know. 20 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:28,000 Speaker 1: Have got to write name a band. I can't name one, 21 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: can name one his sequels? I don't know who they 22 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:40,200 Speaker 1: are the band? I know who they are, you can 23 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 1: I a member of the band. Guitarist guitarist Robbie Robertson Levine. Hell, 24 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 1: come on, you got this? Is that real? That's real? Alright? Well, 25 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: I look forward to seeing what do you do with it? Oh, boy, guys, 26 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,720 Speaker 1: he's just secured funding to open up a little museum. Joey, 27 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: I can't wait, Joey, what's gonna be in this museum 28 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,160 Speaker 1: of hers? It's gonna be too tiry to know everything's 29 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 1: in there is gonna be so small and delicate. I mean, 30 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 1: the simplest breath will destroy it. It's a highly curated, 31 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 1: highly anticipated Uh. It's high alright, So get your tickets 32 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,920 Speaker 1: now at spunk at spunk dot com. How did you 33 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: get that? I know a guy, I go, daddy, that's 34 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 1: better than spunk dot eu. Uh. And finally, he's been 35 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,919 Speaker 1: spelunking in nearly all the world's caves. James Heeney, Hey, 36 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:37,799 Speaker 1: what's the weirdest thing you ever found in a subterranean place? Well, 37 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:41,720 Speaker 1: there was a like a tabernacle of sorts where you 38 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:45,360 Speaker 1: would sacrifice a body in order to resurrect one of 39 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,400 Speaker 1: your friends that has been lost in the caves. Does 40 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:51,440 Speaker 1: that make sense? It does. Can you name a band? Yeah? 41 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,239 Speaker 1: How about the Grateful Dead? See, there we go. That 42 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:59,919 Speaker 1: would have worked. Of course, you said you're fucking dead head? 43 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: Not how many times have you super little bears everywhere? 44 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: By the way, this is why I didn't say a man, 45 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,639 Speaker 1: because I knew I would have been a town. I 46 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 1: wanted to attack you so bad I was waiting, waiting. 47 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 1: Did I get attacked? That's right? Well, before we get rolling, 48 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 1: we'd like to invite you to be a v i 49 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 1: P member on our new Patreon page. There's bonus episodes 50 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,160 Speaker 1: not available to non members. There's a phone number just 51 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,520 Speaker 1: for v i P s where you can leave a 52 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,080 Speaker 1: message be at a question and request or whatever, and 53 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:29,600 Speaker 1: we'll reply at our new regular video q And as 54 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 1: with the Alchemists at Kevin's Place, which are only available 55 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,239 Speaker 1: to v i P s, there's all kinds of cool ship, 56 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,560 Speaker 1: so please join our super core fans by going to 57 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 1: patreon dot com slash Alchemy. This. All of today's scene 58 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,160 Speaker 1: suggestions were gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like 59 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 1: to submit yours, please write to the podcast at your 60 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 1: name here at Alchemy this dot com. That's your name 61 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 1: here at Alchemy. Our first scene suggestion, Hello everyone, my 62 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: wife got me listening to your podcast just around the 63 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:01,240 Speaker 1: time he started. Oh boy, and I haven't hooked ever since. 64 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 1: I love you all equally, and shout out to Kevin 65 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,119 Speaker 1: Pollock because he is super fucking dope. Is that as 66 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 1: kissing smell? Maybe? But I digress. You're doing it wrong. 67 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:26,560 Speaker 1: That's you eat you. As as I am sitting here, 68 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 1: working late into the night listening to the podcast, I 69 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: came up with the following scene suggestion. A third party 70 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,839 Speaker 1: marketing group has been hired to revive a common brand 71 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:40,280 Speaker 1: name that has been slowly dying among new competition. Unfortunately, 72 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,720 Speaker 1: everyone procrastinated and now has to work through the night 73 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,480 Speaker 1: to make sure their presentation is ready by morning. Looking 74 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:50,520 Speaker 1: forward to so many more episodes, Michael keating, No, I 75 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 1: don't care how long it takes. We need those stroke 76 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: brand stormers. He lost his brain. He can't be dead. 77 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 1: Let me check for a pulse. Why are you so 78 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:12,960 Speaker 1: against this? Let it go? I mean, I mean, go ahead, 79 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 1: bringing back if you want. We don't have time. Two 80 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 1: ways on the pulse check. I mean it's possible that 81 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:23,160 Speaker 1: he's band aids. Okay, what are we going to call 82 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 1: band aids? We have six hours, you have six hours. 83 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 1: Come on, it's plenty of time. A band aids brand 84 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,680 Speaker 1: rebrand we're brewery branding. It's a rebrand aids brand, raids, brand, 85 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:41,239 Speaker 1: raids brand, rights, rights, covering, wounds brand right, Alie strips 86 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: um Bowie Bowie Bowie Bowie strips. Life on Marsh, Life 87 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:56,640 Speaker 1: on Venus, from women, Are from Venus, start up. Piggy Heartbreak, heartbreak, 88 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: Piggy heartbreaks, write that Peggy breaks? Good? Does it? Band 89 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,560 Speaker 1: aids were renaming it was I drank a lot of 90 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 1: that drink. I think Piggy heartbreaks we worked out all right, 91 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,600 Speaker 1: skinning my need? Does anyone have a Biggie heartbreak? That's good? 92 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:22,760 Speaker 1: That's Good's good? Pizza pizza, Oh my god. Five hours 93 00:06:22,839 --> 00:06:25,640 Speaker 1: and fifty seven minutes and Mark is going to be 94 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:29,000 Speaker 1: dead no matter what. You just have to Kirk, won't, 95 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: won't just uh, you know, go with it. He's got 96 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,840 Speaker 1: a very slight pulse. And I think if we get 97 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:41,840 Speaker 1: some what is it some salt I think what that 98 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:48,720 Speaker 1: think what we were band aids, some salt bandigs sin 99 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 1: think about he does this? Guys are all just whacked 100 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:59,920 Speaker 1: out on drugs. We have some salt salt pus that work. 101 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 1: Just shoot me, David Spade, Heart Club, Piggy, Heart Club, 102 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 1: Heart Club. I don't want to be the bearer of 103 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 1: bad news, but it seems like you guys are all 104 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,840 Speaker 1: on the same drugs that he was on. And if 105 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 1: he had a stroke in his maybe dead. Maybe it's 106 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,360 Speaker 1: going to happen to you. Oh you want to you 107 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 1: want to give get some panic in the industry. You 108 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 1: just bleeding. Did we get one with Pepperoni? Or they 109 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:35,360 Speaker 1: all just playing? They're all give us? Did you want Pepperoni? 110 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 1: Give us a word? I wanted pepper Hey, man, God, 111 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:43,120 Speaker 1: I'll get a Pepperoni word from Mama. Johnny's go for it. Okay, Uh, 112 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:50,280 Speaker 1: good dad, Dad rip rip ripped, ripped Dad, Dad ripped. Okay, 113 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: you should do some of these jokes. Free some of 114 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: the drugs. Mama Joni's Yes, I need to Uh, I 115 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 1: need to get another pie. Apparently one of them. I 116 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:03,160 Speaker 1: was supposed to be brown man. Yes, I'm calling. I 117 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: just need a pepperoni pie. I want to buy a Yes, 118 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,640 Speaker 1: you've got a nice voice. What are you wearing? Thank you? 119 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,400 Speaker 1: I am wearing overalls and a trucker hat. Gay, Mama, 120 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 1: Johnny like, what would you like? Is that what you ask? Mama? 121 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 1: Johnny like? Oh, Mama, who are you talking to? More 122 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:28,600 Speaker 1: about it? Phone, I'll call you back. Hello. What the fun? 123 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,199 Speaker 1: Uh sir? So we're we still have time to go, 124 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,840 Speaker 1: but we wanted to give you so far our two 125 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,440 Speaker 1: strong ideas for band aid. All right, let's hear them. 126 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 1: It's very important to me, better than the family for here. Okay, 127 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 1: so we're thinking out there. You got this, um, you 128 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 1: got this man? Thank you? Thank you? All right? Just 129 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 1: shoulders the guys doing. Mark's doing great in the other room. 130 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Mark is. He's not dead, that's for sure. 131 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,040 Speaker 1: I don't know who Mark is, but okay, don't know Mark. 132 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,520 Speaker 1: You're serious? What bring him in here? Him in here? 133 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 1: You gotta meet him? A great idea, all right, but 134 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,200 Speaker 1: this is on you. What you gotta bring Mark in? 135 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 1: Are you kidding? You got the floor? He's you're the 136 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:14,320 Speaker 1: one that was upset. Just roped him up and make 137 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:17,199 Speaker 1: him look like he's participating. Okay, but he's a pretty 138 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 1: heavy guy. Oh you're you should talk. I couldn't get 139 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:24,440 Speaker 1: the Pepperoni's what I couldn't I couldn't get that. I'm sorry. 140 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:30,120 Speaker 1: I just called her. She told me she'd call me back, 141 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,320 Speaker 1: and it's been like twenty minutes. She likes you, likes you. 142 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: Have you heard about what happens talking about Joanie and 143 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:44,360 Speaker 1: Peter sitting in Okay, okay, so I have to bring 144 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: him in there myself first. What is going on? Just 145 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:56,000 Speaker 1: pick him up, pick him up, his voice to his voice. 146 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: You're doing, Tony Clifton. Well, I have to go feed 147 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,719 Speaker 1: my maid. Just there. I've been waiting for a while. Guy. 148 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,920 Speaker 1: Yeah that's yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, Okay, so really quick, 149 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 1: what are our two ideas? Piggy heartbreak and parking meter parking? 150 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,319 Speaker 1: Out there? That's how bad we're doing right out. That's 151 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 1: how bad we're doing right now. Okay, they're sucking boss 152 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 1: that a metard parking? Huh, guys, we're gonna do Smark 153 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:26,480 Speaker 1: spot is probably gonna open up. Oh yeah, all right. 154 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:29,840 Speaker 1: I think I think since I think since we have 155 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 1: one great idea, one really great idea, break, I think 156 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: Mark should be the one to say it. Really, Yeah, Wow, 157 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,960 Speaker 1: that's not you. You're not Mark, You're not. I just 158 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: feel like I've really become Mark. Right. Let me hear 159 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 1: the voice again, Mark, Piggy, Heartbreak, Heartbreakers, before the bost 160 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,880 Speaker 1: before the boss gets here. Can you give us one 161 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: more association? You're a genius man based on the word 162 00:10:55,520 --> 00:11:05,880 Speaker 1: boo boo boo boo, Yogi yoga, beak room rapist. Yeah, okay, okay, rst. 163 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go in there and say that Mark 164 00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:16,680 Speaker 1: is you. Let me faces, we be faces faces. I'm 165 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 1: Mark's voice. I'm not gonna say that. What is wrong 166 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:25,200 Speaker 1: with you? For someone who's sober? You sound high as ship? 167 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,480 Speaker 1: I am not high, I'm super so. Your phone is 168 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: blowing up, Mama jon Ship. Okay, give me hello? Hey, 169 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:38,520 Speaker 1: you're alone? Give me a second. Hello? What are you 170 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: talking to? Hello? You go to the oven? It was 171 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: just breathing. Oh wait, she's still on the phone. Hellop, 172 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,680 Speaker 1: Am I alone? U? Yeah? I'm alone? Who's in the 173 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: bike round? Nobody? Can I get a pepperoni pizza? Please? 174 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:04,240 Speaker 1: What's eyes? You want? Large? Large pepper pep gette exte? 175 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,280 Speaker 1: Can I get an extra large? Oh? Yeah, yeah you 176 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,760 Speaker 1: can great. Oh man, she likes she can be making 177 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 1: pizza for seven. I just want one. I just want 178 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,079 Speaker 1: one pizza. No, no, no, don't do you want pizza? 179 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:22,840 Speaker 1: I just want to give you. Don't give me. I 180 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 1: will find you and killing you. Okay, I'm finding you. 181 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,160 Speaker 1: What killing you. I'm not gonna get pizza for Mama 182 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,719 Speaker 1: John's anymore. I'm not. I'm not. I just twin meat, 183 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,960 Speaker 1: get a pizza. I need to eat. We have playing. 184 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:38,960 Speaker 1: We got three plane, not pizza marks not could eat 185 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 1: any plane. He's gotta look like it's participating in the 186 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,320 Speaker 1: meeting points plane. I mean, I hate to be the 187 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,439 Speaker 1: nitpicker of the group. I don't know if it's the drunks, 188 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,720 Speaker 1: but it sounds like you're saying playing p l A 189 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:55,080 Speaker 1: and G playing going walk the plank, walk the playing, 190 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,200 Speaker 1: Oh yeah playing. Uh it's a nice Oh you have 191 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:04,000 Speaker 1: a nice twain playing coming in my wang. Damn. I 192 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:14,440 Speaker 1: feel like a woman. Uh oh, he's coming, he's coming coming. 193 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:21,559 Speaker 1: Give me the staple of slice to his hands and 194 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 1: let's go in there here. You give me this and 195 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: the award for best Employee and the individual who has 196 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 1: single handedly saved band Aid. Let me finish single handedly 197 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:40,760 Speaker 1: saved band aid. Let me let me finish. Mark Thompson, 198 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 1: we start. My name is Mark, and I worked really 199 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 1: hard with the team when the team went. Is he 200 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:56,280 Speaker 1: gonna eat that pizza? It's just like his lip. This 201 00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:02,640 Speaker 1: is a good play. Then I'll excuse me, Mark, you dropped, 202 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 1: You dropped some of your cheek. Well okay, well I'll 203 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 1: just there. My hands her full with Mark. Mark, I 204 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 1: want you to meet some people. This is my fam hand. 205 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,360 Speaker 1: Would love to shake your hand, but I see you've 206 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 1: got him full of pizza. Sorry, I can What can 207 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: we help you? Reattach that cheek with a piggy heartbreak Lewis, 208 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: you should be a comedian. This this one is special 209 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:35,160 Speaker 1: adhesive and yeah, that's gonna stay right there. Okay, don't 210 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,960 Speaker 1: want to meet somebody else. I want you to to meet 211 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,480 Speaker 1: this friend of mine and she has been asking about 212 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 1: you for a while. Here she is like me, I'm 213 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:48,360 Speaker 1: Claire Herbert, the President of the United States. I don't 214 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,680 Speaker 1: think she's a friend of mine. And uh, you don't 215 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: remember her running? What are you talking about? I don't 216 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:59,120 Speaker 1: follow politics. Politics, I like that just affects all of us. 217 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:03,840 Speaker 1: I'm guys, I'm sorry. There's a really angry, large Italian 218 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,400 Speaker 1: man running up the stairs. Where is he? Where is 219 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 1: the son of a bitch? Where? Right there? That's what? What? What? 220 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,680 Speaker 1: You'll you'll you'll make a play for my wife. No, 221 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,280 Speaker 1: I didn't. I wear a pizza. She's like water a 222 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:26,480 Speaker 1: pizza for my wife. It was me, ma, and I 223 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 1: call you what pizza? Oh my god, oh god, we 224 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 1: do not have enough piggy heartbreak of the blood already congealed. Oh, 225 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 1: it's strange. Must be the error. Well you, I can 226 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 1: just speak from what I assume is the truth that 227 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,080 Speaker 1: I've seen on television or going to jail for a 228 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 1: very long time. Sorry, I don't care. That's how I 229 00:15:50,400 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 1: about trying to love with my wife. No, you kill 230 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,880 Speaker 1: the man. I am sorry, babe. I killed a man 231 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,880 Speaker 1: for you because I'm so passionate for you. You're gonna 232 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,760 Speaker 1: jaff for a long time. And if I ever hear 233 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,200 Speaker 1: the voice there romanced me, I will know and I 234 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 1: will leave you for him, Madam President, Why don't you 235 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 1: um pardon pardon him? Pardon them? Yeah, maybe I will. 236 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,720 Speaker 1: We all know what it feels like to have the 237 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,560 Speaker 1: fire of love surging through our bodies, and sometimes that 238 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,480 Speaker 1: makes us two things we regret. Gina did her voice change. 239 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 1: I'm partying, pardon part I'm partying. I'm gonna party in 240 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:45,200 Speaker 1: your honor because you're not going to jail. Honey. Oh 241 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: is this a pardoned party? Pizza for everybody? And that's 242 00:16:52,480 --> 00:17:01,960 Speaker 1: our first sid second see suggestion Hi guyss from Partially Awesome, Ohio. 243 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:05,360 Speaker 1: You guys are all great. Feel like I should say 244 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:08,040 Speaker 1: more because everyone does. But like my middle school guidance 245 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,479 Speaker 1: counselor said, would you jump off the roof of everyone 246 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 1: did it? So? Yeah? Anyways, my scene suggestion is do 247 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,640 Speaker 1: you give every child a participation trophy? Or metal society 248 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,199 Speaker 1: we live in has ultimately led to a Grammy Oscar 249 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:24,320 Speaker 1: Award type ceremony that presents awards for mundane or insignificant accomplishments. 250 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:29,960 Speaker 1: Keep up the great work, Richard from Columbus, Ohio. You 251 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:35,879 Speaker 1: guys ready for the Yeah, I'm nervousous, I'm not nervous 252 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: at all. I want to win. Hey, guys, I'm gonna 253 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:41,360 Speaker 1: give you guys both an award before you go out there. 254 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:44,800 Speaker 1: It's gonna make you feel pretty good to despight whatever 255 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:49,360 Speaker 1: happens on the stage. Elton John are you serious? This here, 256 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:52,439 Speaker 1: this one, this reward here is for good spirit. Wow, 257 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:55,720 Speaker 1: you go ahead, hold it. Take it. That's great, take it. 258 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,639 Speaker 1: I have it. Yeah, he's holding it. The thing and 259 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,640 Speaker 1: this here award is for you. It's forgiving it. You're 260 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:06,879 Speaker 1: all thanks. I'm holding it, Mr John. Yeah. Can you 261 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:10,119 Speaker 1: can you sing something for it? Are you serious? Do 262 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:14,120 Speaker 1: you mind? Um? I quit touring music because I don't 263 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:17,160 Speaker 1: do it live anymore. Okay, that's crazy. I don't think 264 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,080 Speaker 1: it ever leaves you. Yeah, I feel like it's always 265 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:22,480 Speaker 1: inside of you. Um, all right, but you make turn 266 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 1: turn your phones off. I don't want any recordings of 267 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:30,000 Speaker 1: this course, Yeah, of course. Okay, so long, yellow brick rude. 268 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:38,120 Speaker 1: After a while, crockod I can't do any more than that. Was. Hey, 269 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,879 Speaker 1: did I just hear you try? No? No, no, no, 270 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,960 Speaker 1: no no no. Here's your participation aard. Congratulations, way to participate. 271 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,720 Speaker 1: I don't want this award. You earned it, You earned it, 272 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,320 Speaker 1: you tried something. Yeah, but I didn't want to have that. 273 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:54,240 Speaker 1: It was a secret song, Sir Elton. You're on in ten. Okay, nine, Hey, 274 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,199 Speaker 1: get out there, get seven ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 275 00:18:57,359 --> 00:19:06,280 Speaker 1: the I want this Wars starting out the awards. Mr, Sir, 276 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:12,639 Speaker 1: you can just call it sir Elton John Sir. Gosh, 277 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 1: so long, Yellow Big Road. I'm not gonna do any 278 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:24,840 Speaker 1: more singing. I quit touring musically, seriously. Small danswer, Okay, 279 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:30,400 Speaker 1: I know my songs because I want to award everyone here. 280 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,199 Speaker 1: I guess I will award them with a couple of 281 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,400 Speaker 1: stanzas from one of my favorite songs. I guess that's 282 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:44,360 Speaker 1: why they call it the Shoes, Small Dancer in the 283 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:49,680 Speaker 1: window making you know what? You know what? Actually, I'm 284 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,560 Speaker 1: going to stop right in the middle of this Stanca. Okay, 285 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,760 Speaker 1: well they give it up for St. John. Everybody college 286 00:19:56,760 --> 00:20:00,920 Speaker 1: try award all right now, I'm happy to I didn't 287 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,679 Speaker 1: even turn off that goddamn show. I'm not putting that 288 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,919 Speaker 1: crap in my house, all right. We're not watching that 289 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:10,840 Speaker 1: ship in my house. In my house. You're not paying 290 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 1: any guy, Damn. I stop saying at your goddamn house. 291 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:17,200 Speaker 1: And I'm just saying if it was my house, that's 292 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,040 Speaker 1: another I need to stop paying rent, all right. I 293 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,359 Speaker 1: can't what you can't. I can't. You gotta start participating 294 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: this goddamn house, alright, don't you eat all the ship 295 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: and you sleep here. All right, you guys start giving 296 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,920 Speaker 1: money things. I'm well, what else you doing to help 297 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,080 Speaker 1: with the You're not paying rent and you're not bringing 298 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 1: food in another thing, you're sticking up the place. Some pets? 299 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:44,200 Speaker 1: You fast on pets? What pets? Nobody else was fine pets. 300 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:49,879 Speaker 1: Nobody wanted any pets to live in What have you seen? Snowball? 301 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: Where the hole? Snowball? Maybe relax? Relax? You know she 302 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:55,320 Speaker 1: likes to go explore every now and then she'll be back. 303 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,879 Speaker 1: I don't know. I have a terrible feeling about this. Well, 304 00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,919 Speaker 1: she she has microchip. To pull up your iPhone and 305 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,119 Speaker 1: do the find me app All right? I think I 306 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 1: don't have to go to a vet anymoret I mean 307 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,560 Speaker 1: you just left them in a dumpster somewhere. No, no, no, 308 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:11,119 Speaker 1: not somewhere the dumpster. You know them? God damn it, 309 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:15,320 Speaker 1: God damn it. Wrong with me? It's been your ass. 310 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,760 Speaker 1: That's roman. You should never wounded me over you careful 311 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,200 Speaker 1: you have a one night's sam with I didn't want 312 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,960 Speaker 1: to have a one night stand with you. I want 313 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,520 Speaker 1: to have a too night stand with you. I feel 314 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:31,400 Speaker 1: the passion. My phone says she's in the dumpster district. 315 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,960 Speaker 1: Oh god, I think we should just leave her. I 316 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,880 Speaker 1: mean I haven't been down there in years. Every dumpster 317 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,119 Speaker 1: has something in it that all right? Just keep him 318 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,399 Speaker 1: over here? Can we help you? What's going on here? 319 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,520 Speaker 1: All right? I put that dumps put the dump by 320 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,520 Speaker 1: that wall over there, and let's let's get these stuff 321 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,000 Speaker 1: to he out of the water. All right, he's gonna 322 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,960 Speaker 1: be a mom. Come on, what's going on? Sorry? Go 323 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:58,000 Speaker 1: help me? What's going on? My want to what do 324 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:02,520 Speaker 1: you bring that thumb star over there? All right? Let's 325 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,560 Speaker 1: make nonose dumb just got fives in them, all right, 326 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: because we got to get these fun like, hey, alright, boss, 327 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,440 Speaker 1: can I go home early in the Participation Awards? You 328 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,320 Speaker 1: go home early for the participation or everybody's watching the 329 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:16,439 Speaker 1: Participation Award? You know you want to participation one? How 330 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:20,360 Speaker 1: about pay check for doing your job? What do you say? 331 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,440 Speaker 1: I got another one over there? Wait? What do you do? 332 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:26,639 Speaker 1: You stare my cat and the nominees for showing up 333 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:33,679 Speaker 1: to work? Oh please please, Jason mc daniels, Sara Carter, 334 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:42,720 Speaker 1: we're all getting win, Brian Bobby sock Blues please, Tara 335 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,040 Speaker 1: McKnight and the winner goes to because all those names. Again, 336 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:54,720 Speaker 1: he goes to when it's so bad, When it's so bad, 337 00:22:55,080 --> 00:23:03,320 Speaker 1: Tara McKnight in reverse order. Um, Bobby Bobby, Bobby, Bobby 338 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:08,240 Speaker 1: sucks blues. Why is he dragging this out? I don't 339 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,119 Speaker 1: just read it. You want to get this stut of 340 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:17,679 Speaker 1: her three I'm not and they gate that idea. All right, 341 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,200 Speaker 1: I'm here to tell you that I don't believe in 342 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: the participation awards and what he could hear us the 343 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,200 Speaker 1: whole time, Robbie robertson the woodster. But remember the band 344 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:32,800 Speaker 1: doesn't believe participation awards. I'm here to take a stand. Yeah, 345 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:38,120 Speaker 1: I'm glad we can't turn that ship off. Let's drama. Look, 346 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,880 Speaker 1: you gotta either start paying something or getting the hell out. 347 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:45,680 Speaker 1: You gotta start shutting that mouth before come. Don't come on. 348 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:52,200 Speaker 1: You can't help close Clara. Uh No, she's she's not here. 349 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:55,439 Speaker 1: I think she. I think she left me to live 350 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:59,040 Speaker 1: in the dumpster district. And I'm ashamed to say that 351 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:05,160 Speaker 1: what she our cat was missing, and um, I think 352 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,720 Speaker 1: she now lives officially in the dumpster district. You don't 353 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,880 Speaker 1: have to put up with that. What are you supposed 354 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:16,240 Speaker 1: to do what I listen, I've got some illegal nun chucks, okay, 355 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:19,679 Speaker 1: and you and I make some illegal. Well they're nun 356 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,960 Speaker 1: chucks and nunchucks. They're illegal. So I just want to 357 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,520 Speaker 1: keep it on the down blow. And first of all, 358 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,359 Speaker 1: it's not even your business. Honey, what you doing here? 359 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:31,000 Speaker 1: Where's my girl? What are you guys doing? What are 360 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,960 Speaker 1: you guys doing? Having guy talk down here? You know what? 361 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:38,240 Speaker 1: We were just having guy talks? Where's my little lane junk? Oh? 362 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:44,240 Speaker 1: You know what? She had to get chipped, my daughter? Yeah, yeah, 363 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,320 Speaker 1: it's the thing. It's the thing to you. Why are 364 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,720 Speaker 1: we chipping? All right? So you want to get chipped? 365 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:55,520 Speaker 1: Is that right? Yeah? Okay, alright, please chip me. Okay, 366 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:59,640 Speaker 1: sit down and let's just do it. I guess I'll 367 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,800 Speaker 1: cut here quick, do a quick okay, And then I 368 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:04,920 Speaker 1: guess I'm gonna take this and put it in suf 369 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:08,240 Speaker 1: fishing in there? How deep you want it? Where it 370 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,080 Speaker 1: was appropriate? I gotta turn it on and turn it on, 371 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:11,679 Speaker 1: all right? Hold on, let me get it. Oh? I 372 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,359 Speaker 1: lost it? Should I lost it? I lost it? Okay, 373 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,240 Speaker 1: I don't leave now you find so you're here to 374 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,720 Speaker 1: get your nunchucks registered? Yeah, i'd like to. I've brought 375 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:25,040 Speaker 1: my my I D my credentials. This is my training. 376 00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:27,119 Speaker 1: She was about a six month process to what to 377 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,840 Speaker 1: legalize your nunchuck. No, no, no, I need this done quick. 378 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: You do today like today? Are you hoping to use them? 379 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:37,360 Speaker 1: I need to use them? Well, they're still illegal. It's 380 00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:39,840 Speaker 1: no longer a matter of hope. Look, we're gonna have 381 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,720 Speaker 1: to to you know, the process to legalize your nunchucks. 382 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,119 Speaker 1: It's it's very involved. You have to leave them with 383 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 1: us for a period of three months. Just leave them 384 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,320 Speaker 1: with you, just to see if there's a problem. No, no, 385 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:55,280 Speaker 1: I think we can get my supervisor involved. No, under control. 386 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:57,840 Speaker 1: Let's just keep it between us, sir. We're prepared to 387 00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:03,399 Speaker 1: kick your ass with legal nun whoa whoa whoa for 388 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:08,000 Speaker 1: six months is worth the wait. Listen, I'm sure that 389 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:11,160 Speaker 1: both of you nun chuck ins can realize the importance 390 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,879 Speaker 1: of having protection on you. None chuck ins in the 391 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:17,440 Speaker 1: fine state of Ohio appreciate the law above all else. Sir, 392 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,919 Speaker 1: I know that you do you want me to af 393 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,560 Speaker 1: forge nun chuck papers? Please? I wouldn't ask you if 394 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,520 Speaker 1: I wasn't despoke. That's that's pretty dire, man. You know 395 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:31,320 Speaker 1: that's the liner. One minute dude. If I do this, 396 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:33,879 Speaker 1: I mean, it's a big deal. All right, we can 397 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 1: both get those. We have two pm curfew. Everybody at 398 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,360 Speaker 1: dumped super nap time. Look, I gotta I gotta laid 399 00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:43,600 Speaker 1: down for a nappy. So wait, I need this before 400 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 1: a nap, before that. You want me to forge quickly 401 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: for nun chuck papers. If I don't get those dun 402 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,600 Speaker 1: chucks today right now, then I don't even need do it. 403 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:56,800 Speaker 1: I'll do it. These is legal. There you go, Thank you, 404 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:02,399 Speaker 1: Thank you all. So we're doing this. I mean, do 405 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,680 Speaker 1: you love your daughter? Yes? And that's what we're talking 406 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:09,399 Speaker 1: about here, right, that's right? Wait, no, am I the 407 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:13,400 Speaker 1: only same one in this house. It's his wife, it's 408 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:18,680 Speaker 1: your daughter, you're my husband. They're cats missing. I don't 409 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,280 Speaker 1: know what he's going on. And thank you for clearing 410 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:26,840 Speaker 1: than you did a lot of drugs earlier. Legal. Yes, no, no, 411 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,760 Speaker 1: no, no no no no. These Look at this paper. Let 412 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:32,440 Speaker 1: me just show you. That's a greasy burger rapper. Well, 413 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:36,320 Speaker 1: but read what it says, des go on, you can 414 00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:40,399 Speaker 1: read legal. Thank you and put that away. So we're 415 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,760 Speaker 1: gonna get my daughter back in your cat back now 416 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:47,240 Speaker 1: my wife, your wife. It's two characters. Yes, I mean 417 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,199 Speaker 1: maybe we could uh, maybe we can harvest some of 418 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:54,320 Speaker 1: her parts or something, her organs, you know, the chip 419 00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:58,280 Speaker 1: didn't take and she and lose her. She's right here. 420 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:03,199 Speaker 1: I'm just saying, maybe, God, what Chad, what we're supposed 421 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,639 Speaker 1: to do? Like little animals? You killed a lady, lady? 422 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,920 Speaker 1: How did you? You cut right into an artery? That's bad. 423 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:12,439 Speaker 1: Don't look at him. About is baker? Okay, but we 424 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,160 Speaker 1: don't even do that for pet. You don't cut into 425 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:18,120 Speaker 1: the bury it. You just use a little inserted thing. Look, 426 00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:26,560 Speaker 1: you took an exact don't have to major artery. Oh 427 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 1: my god, don't give me that ship right now. Don't 428 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:36,000 Speaker 1: give me Okay, Oh my god, oh my god. I'm 429 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:39,120 Speaker 1: just sky sinking my voice. But I am trained to you, 430 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:43,360 Speaker 1: Stace legal man, Chuck, Okay, I am here to find 431 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:47,400 Speaker 1: my daughter, a wife of a man and a cut. 432 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:56,040 Speaker 1: It's just a riddle. No, no, no, I don't it's ship. No, no, no, John, No, 433 00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:04,240 Speaker 1: there's no way. Hockey cat hockey cat hockey cast So okay, 434 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:11,160 Speaker 1: that's one of mine. Huh, hockey cat It keeps moving close, 435 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:16,479 Speaker 1: and hockey cat gonna score a goal. Hockey cat. Okay, 436 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 1: that's all I remember from the source. But a while listen, 437 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:24,600 Speaker 1: I want silence. I want my daughter back. Is the answer? Silence? 438 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:29,880 Speaker 1: It's not ok turn on the Participation Awards. Robbie Robertson 439 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:35,440 Speaker 1: is about to see one of his hands. Sorry, sorry, sorry, 440 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,320 Speaker 1: Hi everybody. UM, I want to say, I know it's 441 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,360 Speaker 1: been a pretty crazy night here for these awards, but 442 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:45,320 Speaker 1: I think every one of you deserves an award about time. Yeah, 443 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:50,520 Speaker 1: Man and Re wrote a song about it. Do cripples 444 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:54,120 Speaker 1: in the creek? Which one cripples in the creek? Yeah, 445 00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 1: it's a little well, I've I've updated this. I've updated 446 00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:01,480 Speaker 1: cripples in the creek to um to crinkle in the creek. 447 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:05,920 Speaker 1: It's pretty much the same song. Creek is the problem. No, 448 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,320 Speaker 1: I meant like creek, not like an actual running water. 449 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:14,080 Speaker 1: Look at he's got nunchucks. Alright, you motherfucker's. None of 450 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 1: you deserved this award, none of you. You understand, you 451 00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:21,880 Speaker 1: cut up off, scary, Look you got it. You guys 452 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,280 Speaker 1: pulling your weight right here. Okay, I'm pulling. Never be 453 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,240 Speaker 1: as white Jesus Christ I'm fun and dart and bringing 454 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:31,040 Speaker 1: stuff in here. That's what this is center block in 455 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:33,840 Speaker 1: for you. How many answer on that center block? There 456 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:42,320 Speaker 1: are a lot. I found Snowball. She was just in 457 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,840 Speaker 1: the den the entire time. I don't know how she 458 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,760 Speaker 1: transferred her chip to somebody, but she did. Okay, Well, 459 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:49,840 Speaker 1: all that matters is that you're safe. By the way, 460 00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:55,480 Speaker 1: your dad is out there with illegal nunchucks. He's looking 461 00:30:55,520 --> 00:31:00,120 Speaker 1: for you. But we're home and we're safe. So why 462 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:01,840 Speaker 1: don't we just turn on the participation awards and hope 463 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:04,200 Speaker 1: everything works out a fide with your dad. Okay, that 464 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,160 Speaker 1: sounds like a plant. Were Snowball right here coming a 465 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:12,560 Speaker 1: little girl? It's hey god, yeah. Um. I wanted to 466 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:20,560 Speaker 1: say I thought, hold on't okay. I just wanted to say, 467 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:22,800 Speaker 1: I'm sorry to interrupt. I wanted to say about what 468 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:26,760 Speaker 1: you did for that girl that died. Yeah, the way 469 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:33,520 Speaker 1: you brought him. Oh no, no, no, no, Okayama, I 470 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,920 Speaker 1: knew that. I just thought that was really cool, that 471 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,320 Speaker 1: girl that died in Ohio. And then she was what 472 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,560 Speaker 1: did you bring me? I was just I didn't bring 473 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:44,240 Speaker 1: you a gift. You just came in here and didn't 474 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,320 Speaker 1: bring me I was just gonna say, I thought it 475 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:48,600 Speaker 1: was really cool you that you were doing miracles again. 476 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:50,080 Speaker 1: I thought that was really cool, and you just didn't 477 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:54,320 Speaker 1: bring anything for me. Um, I have this. Oh my god, 478 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:58,800 Speaker 1: God had a stroke. Yeah, how does that even work? 479 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,120 Speaker 1: I don't Oh. I think he was taking some sort 480 00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:06,480 Speaker 1: of performance dress and he was all worked up and 481 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:08,960 Speaker 1: the note started bleeding and like, I don't know what 482 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:10,800 Speaker 1: to do. But he was like, am I God? No? 483 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:12,720 Speaker 1: Because I was okay at being an angel, but I 484 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,480 Speaker 1: wasn't even right like last year. I just got like 485 00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 1: a participation. It weren't it. Now. I'm like, my god, 486 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,360 Speaker 1: We'll try to try to bring somebody back to life. Oh, 487 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:26,440 Speaker 1: I don't know to pick someone, my mom, I just 488 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:31,080 Speaker 1: had a long time ago from the s. Give it 489 00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:35,440 Speaker 1: a shot. I don't know where to begin. Okay, you're 490 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:45,600 Speaker 1: clearly not God. And that's our second scene, our final 491 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:48,840 Speaker 1: scene suggestion for today. Hey guys, my name is George, 492 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:50,960 Speaker 1: and I worked for a certain big box retailer who 493 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,280 Speaker 1: may or may not have decided that an asterix would 494 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,479 Speaker 1: be a fantastic symbol for their company. I can assure 495 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,280 Speaker 1: you that if you have a good sense of humor, 496 00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:00,040 Speaker 1: then it's very difficult to work on the floor of 497 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,120 Speaker 1: such a retailer. Listening to request from our customers can 498 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,680 Speaker 1: spontaneously send you into fits of hysterical after if you 499 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:08,440 Speaker 1: aren't trained to resist this. I am so trained, and 500 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:10,600 Speaker 1: I'm happy to report that you guys have broken me 501 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:12,440 Speaker 1: a few times while out there on the floor. I 502 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 1: love everything you do, well most of it right. So 503 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:19,240 Speaker 1: my hopeful scene a sales associate, a department manager, a 504 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:22,640 Speaker 1: customer with an impossible request that must be satisfied because 505 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:26,160 Speaker 1: the customer is always right right, laughing until I'm pretty again. 506 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:30,240 Speaker 1: George of North Carolina, I'm sorry. I just don't understand 507 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:34,160 Speaker 1: why you can't accommodate my ask. So you don't have 508 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:37,920 Speaker 1: a receipt and we have. I don't see the product 509 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 1: right here. I want this toaster to turn into a 510 00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: little car that I can drive around. Okay, and that 511 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:45,840 Speaker 1: can't be done. Then I guess maybe I don't want 512 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:48,320 Speaker 1: to Please, please, please, please don't leave. Let me grab 513 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:52,960 Speaker 1: my supervisor. What's going on? Hi, thank you for being here. 514 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:56,240 Speaker 1: I saw there was some sort of commotion there. Commotion 515 00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:58,719 Speaker 1: over and just have my lunch in peace. I'm sorry, 516 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,280 Speaker 1: and I don't know why I can't have my life 517 00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,920 Speaker 1: in peace. Excuse me, I'm a customer. Excuse my or 518 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:11,359 Speaker 1: your customers. Yeah, that changes. Give me your lunch, Give 519 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:15,600 Speaker 1: me your lunch, Dan, do it? I just all right, 520 00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:18,160 Speaker 1: I'll be right back. I'll bring you my lunch. Um. Now, look, 521 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:19,600 Speaker 1: if he doesn't come back with the lunch that I 522 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:22,399 Speaker 1: want your asses in trouble. I know what he has today, 523 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:23,879 Speaker 1: So I want you tell me what is you want? 524 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:26,280 Speaker 1: I want a steak pizza. He has Thai food. Okay, 525 00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:30,840 Speaker 1: well that's not what I want. Is coconut? Look at that? 526 00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:32,840 Speaker 1: Look at that? You know what. I'm gonna put my 527 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:35,040 Speaker 1: hands in there and I'm not gonna need any of 528 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:36,960 Speaker 1: that because I wanted a steak pizza. Now I want 529 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:39,839 Speaker 1: this toaster pizza turn into a little car and for 530 00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:42,280 Speaker 1: me to get inside and drive around. That could happen 531 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:47,400 Speaker 1: if you have your receipt. I don't. This is FedEx kinks. Yeah, 532 00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:52,040 Speaker 1: what what do you mean? We could do that, right, 533 00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:54,719 Speaker 1: aren't you. I'm sorry? You know the candy you sell. 534 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:57,000 Speaker 1: The candy you're selling right here? I mean this is 535 00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,960 Speaker 1: just items here. Um, so where the toaster? This is it? 536 00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:04,759 Speaker 1: That's the toaster? Yeah, it's you and someone passed in it. Yes, 537 00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:08,840 Speaker 1: next question, it looks old, Yes, it's old. It's magical. Okay, 538 00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:11,239 Speaker 1: apparently there was a genie who died in there. That's 539 00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:14,040 Speaker 1: who passed, and all the magical wishes are inside. And 540 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:15,560 Speaker 1: if you tie it right with the right piece of 541 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:18,440 Speaker 1: toast and it pops up, you get one wish. I'm 542 00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:22,960 Speaker 1: sticking tired of explain people. So what do we have 543 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,799 Speaker 1: to do to make you happy? You gotta make sure 544 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:28,279 Speaker 1: that this toaster can turn into a little car for 545 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,080 Speaker 1: me to drive around. And two, I can't be more clear, 546 00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:33,520 Speaker 1: And you're saying that if we can get a piece 547 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,359 Speaker 1: of toast you're married, of course, give me the keys 548 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:37,360 Speaker 1: here house. I want to go to your house and 549 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,640 Speaker 1: live like you do for a little. I think that's 550 00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:41,720 Speaker 1: I think you have to have the boss here. Customers 551 00:35:41,719 --> 00:35:48,719 Speaker 1: always right. I know, Ny, this is a piece of 552 00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:53,919 Speaker 1: this is kids. Come here, you're my kid? No, no, no, no, 553 00:35:54,360 --> 00:36:00,440 Speaker 1: this is this is inappropriate. I wouldn't have been here. Listen, 554 00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:03,520 Speaker 1: if I had known you were coming home early, I 555 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:09,120 Speaker 1: wouldn't never been here. I don't want to head calm 556 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:13,200 Speaker 1: down and the customers always right. I want to her 557 00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:16,920 Speaker 1: to express yourselves. All right, guys, welcome on board. You're 558 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,319 Speaker 1: almost team members here at the FedEx can Goes. You're 559 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,000 Speaker 1: just gonna watch this quick training video, leave you alone 560 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:23,640 Speaker 1: five minutes. If you have any questions, you just let 561 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,200 Speaker 1: me know. Sound good, Yes, sounds good, Yes, sounds great? 562 00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:29,000 Speaker 1: Press playing now you want to be a FedEx can't 563 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,279 Speaker 1: go member. We better shut the funk up and listen 564 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:35,640 Speaker 1: up your people. It's just really quick Randy macho man savage. Yeah, yeah, 565 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,439 Speaker 1: we got him. Um I do I do want to say, 566 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:40,560 Speaker 1: maybe take notes? Take notes on this? Come, I might 567 00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:42,080 Speaker 1: ask you a couple There are a lot of profanity 568 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,160 Speaker 1: in this training video. That's not for me to say. 569 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:47,960 Speaker 1: I'll press play and oh yeah, because real quick, I 570 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,480 Speaker 1: think now that I recall, I think, so press play. 571 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:53,719 Speaker 1: Let's have a fucking piece of chest dick holes. All right? 572 00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:55,759 Speaker 1: You want to make those copies and want to make 573 00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:57,799 Speaker 1: them good, well, then you better shut the funk up 574 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:01,560 Speaker 1: and listen to this. Goddamn customers a fuck up listen 575 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:04,279 Speaker 1: to Now. What are you gonna do when they're asking 576 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,440 Speaker 1: you to have a lamination? Huh? You can tell us 577 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:08,520 Speaker 1: showing up their ask to go to funktown but you 578 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:11,800 Speaker 1: can also come on a pleasant right here. Okay, where's 579 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:16,680 Speaker 1: town having a lamination? What is having a lamination? Laminating 580 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,239 Speaker 1: a document? Yes? Okay, but what are we going to 581 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:20,799 Speaker 1: tell the customer if they asked about I think that 582 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:23,080 Speaker 1: the first thing was farcical that he was suggesting. I 583 00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:24,640 Speaker 1: think he was about to tell us that we should 584 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:27,440 Speaker 1: probably laminate the document. Well, actually what he actually said 585 00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:29,399 Speaker 1: us shove it up their ass, right, But he said 586 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:31,360 Speaker 1: you could say that, but it was the way the 587 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,160 Speaker 1: tone made it seem like the next but he should say, 588 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:36,600 Speaker 1: but we didn't get there because you have manager written 589 00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:38,080 Speaker 1: all over you. Oh I've been a manager at a 590 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,239 Speaker 1: lot of places. That makes sense, sir. I think I'm 591 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:44,760 Speaker 1: having a lamination. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay, well, 592 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:48,600 Speaker 1: we're almost done with this video. Okay, Randy, We're going 593 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:51,840 Speaker 1: to do another shot. But come on and stick to 594 00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:54,239 Speaker 1: the script this time. Far off of it. It's not 595 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,399 Speaker 1: I'm an artist and I gotta read it my way, 596 00:37:56,400 --> 00:38:00,160 Speaker 1: all right, Yes, but you're not even yeah, god, you're 597 00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:02,319 Speaker 1: not even really get a toll. I mean you literally 598 00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:04,759 Speaker 1: is supposed to say. You know, if the toner runs low, 599 00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,959 Speaker 1: be sure to replace it. With a one sixty print drink. 600 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:09,920 Speaker 1: The toner is running low and kick that ship in 601 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:12,279 Speaker 1: the dick balls and ram its ass out of his 602 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:14,960 Speaker 1: face and then fun that ship until it all that 603 00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 1: stuff gets back in. Uh, that's not it at all ready, 604 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:23,280 Speaker 1: just a new a slim jim. Please stop telling everyone 605 00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:27,360 Speaker 1: to go to fun town. Alright, fun down population me 606 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:30,160 Speaker 1: and you bah bah, all right, listen, I got some 607 00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:33,680 Speaker 1: good news. Oh please please broke good news. It's I know, 608 00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:35,760 Speaker 1: so where to get the guy out of your house? Okay, 609 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,319 Speaker 1: because I found somebody who says he can turn this 610 00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,640 Speaker 1: toaster into a tiny carpet and dry. My wife is 611 00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:43,719 Speaker 1: I think, right? I think my wife? What's the guy? 612 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:46,120 Speaker 1: I'm sure she does that? Guys like fucking cool? You 613 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:48,719 Speaker 1: know what I mean? Um, he commands a room. Now 614 00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:53,640 Speaker 1: this is factor, you know what I mean? Like, how 615 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: do you do that? All right? Now? This is the 616 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:59,719 Speaker 1: guy here. He had a sign outside saying, um, the 617 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,279 Speaker 1: is near. So I just approached him and he says 618 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:04,080 Speaker 1: he knows what's up with how to turn toasters in 619 00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:06,560 Speaker 1: the cars. Okay, well that sounds like weird credentials. But 620 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:12,040 Speaker 1: do you want to turn your toaster into a car Okay, 621 00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:14,880 Speaker 1: you sound kind of know that there's a genie stuck 622 00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:19,920 Speaker 1: in this toaster. That's what I've been told. Well, if 623 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:21,879 Speaker 1: you do get the wish, because you make sure that 624 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:24,640 Speaker 1: you don't use that wish because it's maybe I can 625 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,600 Speaker 1: take this toaster off your hands. I need the toaster 626 00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:32,120 Speaker 1: for this customer. Oh, you need the toaster for the customer. Well, wait, 627 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,160 Speaker 1: are you going to fix the toaster for us and 628 00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:37,799 Speaker 1: turn it into a little tiny car or not? Hell, yeah, 629 00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:41,920 Speaker 1: I'm gonna turn it. You're going to be a manager 630 00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:43,759 Speaker 1: one day. Don't say that. You know I'm saying that 631 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:48,600 Speaker 1: one day you'll be a manager. Here's the toaster. Okay, 632 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:54,040 Speaker 1: that's a for slaughter. Yeah, I was surprised by it too. Okay, 633 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,560 Speaker 1: it's a smart toaster, so that's good. Should I plug 634 00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:58,640 Speaker 1: it in or is it find Let's plug it in. 635 00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:00,800 Speaker 1: Let's plug it in. Okay, Well, we're gonna have to 636 00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:03,279 Speaker 1: kind of sneak through my house because that guy is 637 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:09,640 Speaker 1: in there. Daddy, daddy, excuse me, daddy, I'm not getting 638 00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:13,520 Speaker 1: off your father's lap. Don't even make us some more more. 639 00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:20,520 Speaker 1: TEMI cuts. Here's here. Now you keep it. You deserve it. Oh, 640 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:24,359 Speaker 1: I'll take it for both of you. I don't. Oh, well, 641 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:27,600 Speaker 1: here's this, and here's this. What that leads you here 642 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:32,160 Speaker 1: in the kitchen and here's the kitchen for FedEx. Kinko's 643 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,480 Speaker 1: how long? Yeah, well I guess probably about ten years? 644 00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:38,440 Speaker 1: Can we take I worked there back in the day. Really, 645 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:42,560 Speaker 1: I work with Kinko himself. No, Mr Kinko. Yeah, we 646 00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:45,520 Speaker 1: just called him Kinko. You didn't call him Mr Kinko. 647 00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:48,400 Speaker 1: I make my staff call me Mr. Well that might 648 00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:51,960 Speaker 1: be part of your problem. Really, Well, it's plugged in, 649 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:56,000 Speaker 1: so well it's rebooting. Let's give it some time to reboot, 650 00:40:56,200 --> 00:41:02,080 Speaker 1: all right, Daddy, Daddy, dad me, Oh, why are you 651 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:06,000 Speaker 1: doing here? I just was where the hell is my toaster? 652 00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:08,839 Speaker 1: I just heard daddy a few times, so I came 653 00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,760 Speaker 1: in here. We don't consider part of his family anymore. 654 00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:15,080 Speaker 1: Turned okay, Well we're working on. Is it true that 655 00:41:15,360 --> 00:41:18,040 Speaker 1: if the toaster turns into a car, a tinny car, 656 00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:22,680 Speaker 1: you're going to leave us? Momly? Is that true? Let 657 00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:29,040 Speaker 1: him speak? When a man he's leaving, he's leaving. Yeah, 658 00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:33,280 Speaker 1: I'm you're taking anybody with your baby in that tiny car. 659 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:39,439 Speaker 1: I don't know if it'll fit, if any it'll fit. 660 00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:43,320 Speaker 1: I was like, what one of us I used to 661 00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:47,320 Speaker 1: produce training videos for FedEx kin goes they make our trash. 662 00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,479 Speaker 1: Oh that one with Randy Machoman. Savage addressed his kool 663 00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:53,480 Speaker 1: aid man. Yeah, it's weird. It doesn't make sense. It's 664 00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,840 Speaker 1: very weird. Yeah. I feel like he's not even following 665 00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:59,239 Speaker 1: the script that used to be consistent in all. I 666 00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:01,080 Speaker 1: was hoping that just ring the toaster off and turning 667 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:04,839 Speaker 1: it on again would wear that your plan already, it's 668 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:08,520 Speaker 1: not turning it into Adam. My family's in there. I 669 00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:11,759 Speaker 1: want my family. Alright, new hires, listen up. First of all, 670 00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:17,000 Speaker 1: congratulations on getting through training. Yes, thank you. Now this 671 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,040 Speaker 1: is a bit unorthodox, but we're going to ask you 672 00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:23,200 Speaker 1: to go above and beyond during your first day. Best 673 00:42:23,239 --> 00:42:26,400 Speaker 1: quality is also my worst quality is also my best quality. 674 00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:29,280 Speaker 1: That's what we like about you. All right. So here's 675 00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:32,439 Speaker 1: the task at hand. Do any of you know how 676 00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:37,040 Speaker 1: to turn a toaster into a tiny car because this 677 00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:40,120 Speaker 1: is a riddle. Uh no, this is an actual, actual 678 00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:46,319 Speaker 1: thing we need to do. I mean I might. My 679 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:51,120 Speaker 1: dad was a genie. Say no more, want to say more? 680 00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:55,839 Speaker 1: Will you guys talk about I'm leaving. Yeah, see, my 681 00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:57,839 Speaker 1: mom rubbed a lamp a long time ago, and her 682 00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:01,760 Speaker 1: third wish was to fuck the genie. That's what. So, yeah, 683 00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:05,040 Speaker 1: my dad, I think I inherited half of what you 684 00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:08,200 Speaker 1: talk about your mother so callously. It doesn't seem like 685 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:12,080 Speaker 1: you have a good relationship respect her. I love my mom, 686 00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:15,399 Speaker 1: I really do. I was phoned in. Yeah, all right, 687 00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:20,560 Speaker 1: well she left. Okay to raise myself on just Ton 688 00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:24,359 Speaker 1: Heer and Grola bars. Do you have Genie skills? Yes? 689 00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:28,480 Speaker 1: But okay, okay, you are ruining my life. Hey, just 690 00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:30,080 Speaker 1: you know what His plan was, turned off the toast 691 00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,760 Speaker 1: and turn it back on. We try that already, I know. Okay. 692 00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:36,520 Speaker 1: Good news though, Okay, one of the new hires thinks 693 00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:38,080 Speaker 1: he can do it. He says he's part of Genie. 694 00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:42,040 Speaker 1: He's what. That's right, Get out of the deck. You 695 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:43,719 Speaker 1: know what. I'm gonna be back here and I'm going 696 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:45,399 Speaker 1: to be the man at this house again. And don't 697 00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:52,360 Speaker 1: wait right, wait, wait a minute, nobody's cleaned the crumb tray. Jesus, 698 00:43:52,400 --> 00:44:00,760 Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna clean the crumb tray. Go alright, 699 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:07,200 Speaker 1: which one of you super super employees A s okay, cool, 700 00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:10,839 Speaker 1: that's not he says that to everything. This guy right here, Hi, 701 00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:14,480 Speaker 1: half Genie, but yeah, half Cheney. Do you think you're 702 00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:15,839 Speaker 1: going to have to do this job? Are you gonna 703 00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:17,640 Speaker 1: do this job? Don't be so rude. I'm sorry, I'm 704 00:44:17,640 --> 00:44:20,520 Speaker 1: desperate here. Okay, there's a man with my wife and 705 00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:23,680 Speaker 1: my child. Basically, I don't think it's brand to talk 706 00:44:23,719 --> 00:44:26,920 Speaker 1: about that kind of stuff at work. What Yeah, you 707 00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,280 Speaker 1: don't want to watch the macho man ready savage sexual 708 00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:33,640 Speaker 1: harassment video. It's terrible, it's scary. I'm happy to go 709 00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:36,680 Speaker 1: down there and do what I can. I brought the 710 00:44:36,719 --> 00:44:40,160 Speaker 1: toaster to you. Did it's right here? Turn it into 711 00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:43,799 Speaker 1: a tiny car. Please, I will give you. I will 712 00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:47,680 Speaker 1: give you a straight trus in. Um, I need some 713 00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:51,840 Speaker 1: pumpernickel bread nic bread. Yeah, it's a toaster. Did you 714 00:44:51,840 --> 00:44:53,200 Speaker 1: not even get that part of it? Well, no, I 715 00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:54,840 Speaker 1: know it's a toaster. On that dun dumb. I have 716 00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:56,680 Speaker 1: some in my lunch and you get a little tune 717 00:44:56,719 --> 00:44:59,960 Speaker 1: on it. But I can scrape it makes a good 718 00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,040 Speaker 1: Mayo because I have a problem with So it's just 719 00:45:02,080 --> 00:45:06,640 Speaker 1: straight up to one set. Scrape scrape, scrape, scrape scrape. 720 00:45:06,719 --> 00:45:08,719 Speaker 1: So who was the who who was it? Your mother 721 00:45:08,719 --> 00:45:10,799 Speaker 1: and father? Who was the genie? I ran out my dad. 722 00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:14,399 Speaker 1: Your dad was yeah, okay, I haven't seen him since then, 723 00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:21,800 Speaker 1: So let me put the breadit. Have you done this before? 724 00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:29,040 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I am the genie of the toaster? Son? Hi, Dad, Son, 725 00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:38,600 Speaker 1: I kill it. I need this genie, Dad, I got it. 726 00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:42,239 Speaker 1: I never thought i'd see you again. I guess my 727 00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:45,640 Speaker 1: wish came true. Oh my god, that's so sad. That 728 00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:54,840 Speaker 1: kid was totally separate. Sorry, Dad, Look, I want to 729 00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:56,640 Speaker 1: spend time with you. I never want to let you 730 00:45:56,640 --> 00:45:59,000 Speaker 1: go again. But part of this is you have to 731 00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:01,080 Speaker 1: turn your home and do a tiny little car that 732 00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:05,200 Speaker 1: total pricking right around in Please phrase it in the 733 00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:09,360 Speaker 1: form of a wish. Do it? Do it? I wish, 734 00:46:09,560 --> 00:46:13,280 Speaker 1: just do it that your toaster became a tiny little 735 00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:18,520 Speaker 1: car that this asshole customer can drive, and we go 736 00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:29,839 Speaker 1: outside and throw the ball around. Then it is so, hey, 737 00:46:29,920 --> 00:46:32,800 Speaker 1: let me in. You change the locks. What do you want? 738 00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:40,920 Speaker 1: I got the tiny carl? Hello, Please don't this toaster 739 00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:49,400 Speaker 1: is not a tiny little car like to count the 740 00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:53,880 Speaker 1: toasters on the highway. There he goes, Mom, there you go. 741 00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:05,560 Speaker 1: I hate do you like you've been here. What do 742 00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:08,880 Speaker 1: you mean you need to go get cigarettes? Dad? Well, 743 00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:12,719 Speaker 1: I wish that I could smoke. Well, I could just 744 00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,680 Speaker 1: wish for them for you, and then you'd have cigarettes. 745 00:47:14,719 --> 00:47:22,480 Speaker 1: Oh no, you don't. You won't get the good ones. Okay, 746 00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:26,360 Speaker 1: I just you know. Look, you knew Dad was a 747 00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:30,000 Speaker 1: genie when you brought me back from the toaster. I know, 748 00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:32,560 Speaker 1: but you know I love you and I want to 749 00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:34,879 Speaker 1: be around your dad. How's your mom doing? By the way, 750 00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:38,880 Speaker 1: she left? What was her name again? Oh my god, 751 00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:43,839 Speaker 1: there's been so many It's been so everyone everyone's third 752 00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:48,960 Speaker 1: wishes to funk the genie. Yeah, well I wish for 753 00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:55,719 Speaker 1: your dick to fall off. Whoa, Okay, that's a new one. 754 00:47:56,400 --> 00:47:58,680 Speaker 1: So now you won't do this to anybody else's mom. Dad, 755 00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:02,879 Speaker 1: you're a terrible per a terrible genie. Okay, but as 756 00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:05,160 Speaker 1: you always know that, there's a catch whenever you make 757 00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:11,600 Speaker 1: a wish. Now you've got a genie dick. Oh my, 758 00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,960 Speaker 1: good luck with that. With great power comes great responsibility. Wow, 759 00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:24,680 Speaker 1: this is a nice place. Thank you? Who is that? Mr? 760 00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:29,440 Speaker 1: Elton John? Oh? Wow? Yeah, Um, let's get down to it. 761 00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:30,719 Speaker 1: I want to make it with you. Then I want 762 00:48:30,719 --> 00:48:35,880 Speaker 1: to see your dick. All right, that's enough kissing. Okay, 763 00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:38,239 Speaker 1: all right, it's it's a little different than what you're 764 00:48:38,320 --> 00:48:42,160 Speaker 1: used to. Hey, I've seen a lot of dicks. All right, 765 00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:52,520 Speaker 1: Well here we go, Oh ship, what is this? All 766 00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:57,640 Speaker 1: the artists following off your halls in this apartment? So 767 00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:04,120 Speaker 1: this is thing? Go inside of me. I'm tiring. That's 768 00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:08,839 Speaker 1: our show, magical, exactly where we thought I would go. 769 00:49:09,719 --> 00:49:12,279 Speaker 1: Let's thank your alchemists. See what's going on. Chris Alvarado 770 00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:15,800 Speaker 1: Chris Alvarado on Instagram. I just got the hot hot 771 00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:25,120 Speaker 1: stories coming at you, Van Hi regular stories ram NYC 772 00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:28,200 Speaker 1: typewriter set type writer dot com. If you're in l 773 00:49:28,239 --> 00:49:30,160 Speaker 1: a com, gonna eat the popcorn and see your shore 774 00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:33,480 Speaker 1: why you're in it? Yeah. Greig Kikowski Kikowski on Twitter 775 00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:35,440 Speaker 1: see Kikowski on Instagram. And I'd like to thank our 776 00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:40,080 Speaker 1: sponsor band Aid, Piggy whatever is uh James E n 777 00:49:40,800 --> 00:49:45,120 Speaker 1: thanks for tuning in and uh, you know, I guess 778 00:49:45,480 --> 00:49:47,120 Speaker 1: go to the real James C dot com. You can 779 00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:50,440 Speaker 1: find some James C ny content. Sweet Joey grab at 780 00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:55,040 Speaker 1: jeby Grieber on Instagram and the Twitter check out at alchemy. 781 00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:57,799 Speaker 1: This is Instagram. We got there's questions and stuff that 782 00:49:57,840 --> 00:50:01,920 Speaker 1: people are answering. Fun. Check out good Night Download. It's 783 00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:06,240 Speaker 1: an album on Spotify, and uh, that's all I have. Sweet. 784 00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:09,040 Speaker 1: I'm at Cole Stratton at Stratton Cold, depending on the 785 00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:11,400 Speaker 1: social thing. Come see Pretty Pretty Pony the first Thursday 786 00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:13,120 Speaker 1: of the month the ten p m os a comedy theater, 787 00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:16,000 Speaker 1: and come see Alchemy This live at s S Sketch 788 00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:19,400 Speaker 1: Fest in San Francisco on Saturday January one pm at 789 00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:21,160 Speaker 1: the punch Line. Go to s sketch Fest dot com 790 00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:24,360 Speaker 1: for tickets to that and come say hello. That's it 791 00:50:24,440 --> 00:50:26,960 Speaker 1: for today. Let's thank our engineer and producer Doug Babe, 792 00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:32,920 Speaker 1: our post sound design artist Raphael Brito, and lastly, I 793 00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:38,920 Speaker 1: heart media. Oh no. We encourage all of you to 794 00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:41,160 Speaker 1: write a review, tell everyone you've ever met and write 795 00:50:41,160 --> 00:50:44,320 Speaker 1: to us at your name here at alchemy This dot com. 796 00:50:44,360 --> 00:51:13,160 Speaker 1: That's your name until next time. And a football and 797 00:51:17,640 --> 00:51:23,040 Speaker 1: a football