1 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,919 Speaker 1: It's I Do Part two and we're your favorite beesties 2 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:22,560 Speaker 1: Thelma and Louise. Today we're going to quote jump into 3 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,959 Speaker 1: bed and talk about all the things that come with 4 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: sex and chapter two. 5 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 2: Dating. It can be. 6 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:32,080 Speaker 1: Scary and intimidating, but oh so fun to get intimate 7 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: after being with one partner for so long. So today 8 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,960 Speaker 1: we're joined by relationship coach doctor Shanna Bromley to talk. 9 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 2: All about it. 10 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,600 Speaker 3: Hi, doctor Shanna, we are so excited to talk to 11 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,639 Speaker 3: you today, like you have been anticipating this all afternoon, 12 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,360 Speaker 3: So thank you for meeting with us. 13 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:51,480 Speaker 1: First of all, you're so pretty, like I would think 14 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,560 Speaker 1: like everybody is like knocking down. 15 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:55,080 Speaker 2: Your door to date you. 16 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 4: I'd want to have sex with you. 17 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,000 Speaker 5: You guys are sweet, I think more just too. 18 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:04,800 Speaker 3: So, doctor Shanna, you recently contributed to an article titled 19 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:08,679 Speaker 3: our Pajamas Ruining your Sex Life and absolutely phenomenal title, 20 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:12,160 Speaker 3: by the way, and question for you, what did you 21 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:12,800 Speaker 3: mean by that? 22 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,440 Speaker 6: So your bedtime routine is so much more than just 23 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,440 Speaker 6: a habit. It is a reflection of how you see 24 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 6: yourself and if you stop treating yourself somebody worth desiring, 25 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,040 Speaker 6: then that energy just seeps into everything. It's so much 26 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,520 Speaker 6: more than just how your partner sees you. It's how 27 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 6: you feel when you look in the mirror when you're 28 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 6: going to bed. And let me ask you, guys, what 29 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 6: do you wear to bed these days? 30 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:36,280 Speaker 2: Louise? 31 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,880 Speaker 4: Why don't you start because you're well, very specific out. 32 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 2: Okay, So I thought. 33 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:46,720 Speaker 1: A lot about this when I read your article because 34 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 1: my experience with my husband first and then different guys 35 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 1: I've dated in the nine years that I've. 36 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 2: Been divorced, was. 37 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,040 Speaker 1: You know, I think because when I go out for 38 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 1: work or I go out to dinner, like I'm put 39 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: together right, like I have you know, the blow dryes, 40 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 1: the makeup. 41 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 2: Kind of like this, like glamorous affect. 42 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,480 Speaker 1: Then I found that when I came home and put 43 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 1: on the more soft kind of felmb away that my 44 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:19,079 Speaker 1: husband or my boyfriends would be like all over me. 45 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,840 Speaker 1: For example, when I was married, I used to wear Now, 46 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,720 Speaker 1: granted I hadn't yet had menopause, I was cold at night. 47 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 1: Now it's a whole different ballgame, and I would wear 48 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,640 Speaker 1: these like thermal waffle pajamas that were like Cindi Luz, 49 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: like the gritch. Okay, I swear to God when I 50 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 1: had those on. He was ripping them off of me, 51 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:42,480 Speaker 1: and I think he felt I was maybe more manageable, 52 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,280 Speaker 1: more adorable. Maybe it was more of a dominant, subvissive thing. 53 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 2: I don't know. He loved it. 54 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 1: Another boyfriend I had loved like the little booty shorts 55 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: and like nothing on top whatever. Okay, fine, but I 56 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,400 Speaker 1: was always worried about if there was like a fire 57 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,760 Speaker 1: or an earthquake, and what would I do right the 58 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: most recently, I had a boyfriend, so I somehow stumbled 59 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: upon these like Thelmbo nos because we've shared many a 60 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:12,840 Speaker 1: bed on trips together. These like very unshapely, loose, thin 61 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,920 Speaker 1: cotton nighties that go to my knee in pastel colors. 62 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 2: They're probably from Gapper the Navy. I think I bought 63 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:18,800 Speaker 2: twenty hot. 64 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:22,240 Speaker 3: I just need to clarify, not hot, not hot, but 65 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 3: so comfortable, so adorable. 66 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,080 Speaker 2: I don't sleep with panties, so maybe they ride up 67 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 2: in the night. Don't know. 68 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 1: But like Robbie loved them, you know what I'm saying. 69 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,360 Speaker 1: He thought they were absolutely adorable. So I am not 70 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 1: sleeping in sexy, tight, constricting things. What about you, Louise? 71 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:44,160 Speaker 3: So well, it depends if I have a boyfriend, or 72 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 3: if I don't have a boyfriend. Although I actually really 73 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,120 Speaker 3: agree with your article that you set the tone. I 74 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,680 Speaker 3: always kind of joke around if you're not attracted yourself 75 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 3: or looking at yourself like you're attractive, why would you 76 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 3: think that somebody else. 77 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,360 Speaker 4: Would find you attractive? 78 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 3: So I do subscribe that I can really speak to 79 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:07,600 Speaker 3: My last long relationship post my husband, and it was 80 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:13,400 Speaker 3: about four years and I I slept every time we 81 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 3: were together. 82 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 4: I slept naked every night, which was very unique. 83 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:21,360 Speaker 3: For me because similar to Louise, I do worry like 84 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 3: if a burglar breaks in or you have to leave 85 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 3: in the middle of the night or something like it 86 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,599 Speaker 3: really you're you don't you're really on the defensive. But 87 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:31,279 Speaker 3: as soon as I got over that, he was super 88 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,680 Speaker 3: comfortable with his body and I historically have not been, 89 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 3: but he made me feel so comfortable. And I also 90 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,919 Speaker 3: think that when I got in bed and I was naked, 91 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,840 Speaker 3: like I don't know it did It felt more like 92 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:45,720 Speaker 3: we were both. 93 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 4: Kind of coming to the sorry but that anything could happen. 94 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,040 Speaker 3: And I think especially in the morning, like I think 95 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,880 Speaker 3: in the morning, waking up naked, it was like a 96 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:00,799 Speaker 3: natural way to kind of greedy each other in the morning. 97 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:05,320 Speaker 6: Well, it also promotes oxytocin as well. Skin touching on 98 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 6: skin for women especially, it promotes bonding and that feeling 99 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,200 Speaker 6: of closeness. 100 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:11,520 Speaker 4: I totally agree. 101 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,599 Speaker 1: But you know what's interesting to what you said, Thelma, 102 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: is I think it leads also to the point of, 103 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 1: like everybody at different points in their life have preferred 104 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,680 Speaker 1: times of day that they like to be intimate. So 105 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:28,440 Speaker 1: for example, mourning and me, we're not. 106 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:29,400 Speaker 2: That's not. 107 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,880 Speaker 1: I am that four o'clock afternoon person where I'm way 108 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:37,160 Speaker 1: more relaxed. The day is done prior to going out, 109 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:41,600 Speaker 1: prior to perhaps having a big meal, too many cocktails, whatever, 110 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: So that's my golden hour. 111 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 2: Do you think timing has anything to do also with it? 112 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,599 Speaker 6: I think timing is important, but I think it's like 113 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:54,479 Speaker 6: the biggest relationship killer. It's not conflict like most people think. 114 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:58,320 Speaker 6: It's actually comfort, which leads to complacency. And I think 115 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,839 Speaker 6: the difference with what you were sharing sharing how in 116 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,080 Speaker 6: the daytime you'd have the blowout and you'd be all 117 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,320 Speaker 6: done together, you are still putting a lot of intention 118 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 6: into yourself. 119 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 2: If you are. 120 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 6: Wearing that unflattering smurf outfit that you described all the time. 121 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:14,559 Speaker 2: Now she's gonna call me Smurf. 122 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: Yeah. 123 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,280 Speaker 6: I don't know that that would have been appealing to 124 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,919 Speaker 6: your partners in the evening, But I think because you 125 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 6: have the contrast and you have that period of time 126 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,599 Speaker 6: where you know you are this put together version and 127 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:29,040 Speaker 6: then they get to see this variety of you and 128 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,919 Speaker 6: you are softer. So but I think it really just 129 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,920 Speaker 6: comes down to your nightwear is an energy shift. It's 130 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,839 Speaker 6: really not just an outfit, and it's what's making you 131 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,279 Speaker 6: shift into the version of you that feels essensual and 132 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 6: that feels sexual and it feels really good about yourself. 133 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:51,920 Speaker 3: Well, I've said on a previous podcast that I always 134 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,839 Speaker 3: wear matching broad and underwear, and it really, to me 135 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,599 Speaker 3: is everything because I think that it just makes me 136 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,200 Speaker 3: start my day and when I get dressed, I definitely 137 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 3: feel put together, even though the majority of the time 138 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,560 Speaker 3: these days no one is seeing that. It definitely makes 139 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:11,200 Speaker 3: me feel different and and I think gives me more 140 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 3: confidence and feel sexier, so to speak. 141 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 6: Yeah, are you Are you both in relationships? Dating? 142 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,360 Speaker 5: What's what's your status is? Right now? 143 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 4: We're with each other pretty much like a lot just kidding. 144 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,080 Speaker 1: Well, tell them, tell them what your ex husband, Tell 145 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: them what your ex husband said. 146 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 3: This week, I had dinner with my ex husband and 147 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 3: he was laughing. 148 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,120 Speaker 4: He's like, so are you two dating? I feel like 149 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 4: you've been together like. 150 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: Four It was like our fourth dinner, our fourth dinner 151 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:35,160 Speaker 1: together this week. 152 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 2: But we're living. 153 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: Parallel lives and we're so aligned on so many things, 154 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,800 Speaker 1: but we have such a difference of opinions on a 155 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 1: lot of things, which are you know, kind of relevant 156 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 1: to your question, that it's actually always very interesting and 157 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,400 Speaker 1: it helps each other look through different lenses as we're 158 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 1: navigating kind of chapter two and what we're looking for, 159 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:01,320 Speaker 1: which is I mean, we're actively dating, and you know, 160 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:05,239 Speaker 1: I can say most recently, I had a very interesting 161 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:09,520 Speaker 1: situation this past weekend where I'd gone on a couple 162 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,239 Speaker 1: dates with this one guy to dinners, which felt really 163 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 1: safe for me. So I guess what I've learned about 164 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:21,040 Speaker 1: myself is my mind moves fast, but my body moves slow. 165 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 1: So I'm the kind of I think the phrase is 166 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:28,240 Speaker 1: safio sexual, like I need to feel an emotional connection 167 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: and safety before I can cross the line to the 168 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,800 Speaker 1: physical part. Other people like I have a friend who 169 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:37,040 Speaker 1: got divorced, and I think she was like on her 170 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,760 Speaker 1: back and knees within twenty four hours, seven days a week. 171 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,920 Speaker 2: I mean, it's like everybody's different, zero judgment. I sometimes 172 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 2: wish I was a little bit easier and lucier, but 173 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 2: it takes me three. 174 00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:50,360 Speaker 1: Quarters of a bottle of wine and you know, kind 175 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 1: of a different tool set. But what happened was was 176 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,760 Speaker 1: we'd gone out a few times and he said to me, 177 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 1: I'd love to just you know, hang out and order in. 178 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 1: And I immediately started to panic immediately, and I called 179 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: up Thelma and we had a conversation and I was like, 180 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:10,720 Speaker 1: I'm going to have a very direct conversation and basically 181 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,800 Speaker 1: say I say, I know you didn't mean anything by it, 182 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,760 Speaker 1: but this is who I am, right Like, it takes 183 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,240 Speaker 1: me a minute to get to that party. I don't 184 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,439 Speaker 1: even know if I'm getting to that party, but hope 185 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 1: that works for you and if it doesn't whatever. He 186 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,719 Speaker 1: was so classy, he was like so cool about it. 187 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: And then after the conversation I felt comfortable. I was like, yeah, 188 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,200 Speaker 1: you could totally come over. 189 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 2: Came over. We had the best night. We ordered in, 190 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,199 Speaker 2: we had cocktails, it was so great, so. 191 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:39,600 Speaker 1: Fun, and I was comfortable because I had basically called 192 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 1: out the elephant in my room. 193 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,199 Speaker 4: Yeah, and he had accepted it. 194 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,000 Speaker 6: Did you think about what you were going to wear 195 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:46,719 Speaker 6: that night when he was coming over? 196 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,760 Speaker 2: To great question? That's a great question. 197 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,440 Speaker 1: So it's very interesting when you're hosting at your house, Like, 198 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,440 Speaker 1: for example, I'm wearing a sweater, but I have my 199 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: pajama bottoms and my slippers on underneath, which you can't 200 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 1: see because I'm home. The minute I get home with 201 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,840 Speaker 1: the bra comes off, and full disclosure, I don't wear underwear. 202 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,360 Speaker 1: So that's just me and her have a whole different thing. 203 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:04,679 Speaker 1: Do not wear underwear. 204 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 2: And so I was like, Okay, what am I going 205 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:07,439 Speaker 2: to wear? 206 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:09,800 Speaker 1: Like, I'm not going to wear tight jeans that looks ridiculous. 207 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,880 Speaker 1: I can't really wear shoes. I'm in my own house. 208 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:16,959 Speaker 1: So I wore workout leggings and then I wore like 209 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 1: a cashmere big off the shoulder v NEX sweater and 210 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 1: then I had on like just cute socks. And it 211 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 1: was he walked in and he's like, oh my god, 212 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,360 Speaker 1: that I love your off, that you look so adorable, 213 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,840 Speaker 1: And I think again, it was so different than like 214 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,960 Speaker 1: the leather. It just was a different side of me 215 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,000 Speaker 1: and it was perfect, it was super comfortable. 216 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 6: But you put a lot of intention into actually thinking 217 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:41,440 Speaker 6: about what you were going to wear. You were basically discerning, No, 218 00:10:41,559 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 6: this doesn't work, this doesn't work. 219 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:44,000 Speaker 5: This works. 220 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,360 Speaker 6: So it was still an energy shift that you were 221 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:48,360 Speaker 6: choosing in that moment. 222 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,640 Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, Shanna. 223 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:57,000 Speaker 3: What role do you think alcohol plays positively or negatively 224 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:01,199 Speaker 3: when it comes to sex, initiated sex, the bedroom, all 225 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 3: of that. 226 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:04,280 Speaker 5: I think it depends on the person. 227 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:04,840 Speaker 2: Really. 228 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:08,880 Speaker 6: Some people are really happy drunks, and when their inhibitions 229 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,959 Speaker 6: come down they let go in a very positive way 230 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,199 Speaker 6: that maybe they're insecure or shy that they would take 231 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,439 Speaker 6: them longer to get there, And. 232 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 2: Then that's me, that's exactly me. 233 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 6: And then other people it can set them into a 234 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 6: depression because it is a downer and they can have 235 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,079 Speaker 6: things that are on their mind that maybe they haven't 236 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,840 Speaker 6: spoken and it ends up being a negative situation. For me, 237 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:35,079 Speaker 6: alcohol should always be a celebration, So if we are 238 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,440 Speaker 6: celebrating some thing, if we are yay, let's have movie 239 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,280 Speaker 6: night and have a good mine. It's the mindset I 240 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,960 Speaker 6: think that goes into it. But I think it really 241 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 6: depends on the person if it's in positive. 242 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,400 Speaker 5: Or negative experience. And I think people can. 243 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:51,160 Speaker 6: Look at their reservoir of what their past experience has 244 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:54,040 Speaker 6: been and decide if it's positive or negative for them. 245 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 1: I think for me, because it takes a minute for 246 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,839 Speaker 1: me to get comfortable and you're in that like kind 247 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:04,720 Speaker 1: of new stage, and I think the drink or the 248 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 1: cocktail gives me a little bit more of. 249 00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:11,679 Speaker 2: A comfort level. But then as you're involved with the person. 250 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 1: Because I'm only sleeping with one person at one time, 251 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,840 Speaker 1: and I've never had a one night stand, so for me, 252 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,600 Speaker 1: it's like I'm in a relationship with that person if 253 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: I've started sleeping with them, and I like when they 254 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 1: have an STD test and you know, all these different things, 255 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 1: and then I feel safe. 256 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,160 Speaker 2: And I feel comfortable, and then you get to what's 257 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 2: that kind. 258 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,200 Speaker 1: Of comfort really deep, amazing sober sex, which is so 259 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 1: connecting and so real. But I definitely need the you know, 260 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,040 Speaker 1: I can't go from A to Z. I need the A, 261 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 1: the B, the C, the D, the E. And especially 262 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,880 Speaker 1: after being in a marriage, the first person that you 263 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,600 Speaker 1: do actually each time, I mean when you're with somebody 264 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 1: new each time. It creates some anxiety for me. 265 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:58,040 Speaker 6: My rule of thumb is if you don't feel emotionally 266 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:01,280 Speaker 6: naked with someone in comfortable, then it's not time to 267 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,280 Speaker 6: take to clothes off and be physically naked with them. 268 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,360 Speaker 3: But what do you do when you think your own 269 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:12,360 Speaker 3: body image is getting in the way, Because I think 270 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 3: historically that is a huge issue and it's nothing to 271 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:21,280 Speaker 3: do with my partner. It's my issue, and what can 272 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,679 Speaker 3: you speak to that. 273 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 5: I think it's difficult for women. 274 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,480 Speaker 6: I mean, it's twenty twenty five and still if we 275 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 6: look at the marketing in the world, it says you're 276 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 6: not enough unless you buy this red lipstick you oh, 277 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:38,199 Speaker 6: you're on ozempic. Yeah, it's constantly you're not enough unless 278 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:43,079 Speaker 6: you're meeting this usually unrealistic standard of what beauty is. 279 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,800 Speaker 6: And as smart as we are, as educated as we are, 280 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 6: as funny as we can be, there's still this value 281 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,960 Speaker 6: that is placed in our beauty. And I think that 282 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,680 Speaker 6: we can be our own worst critics, and as we age, 283 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 6: our metabolism changes and the image that we see in 284 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,080 Speaker 6: the mirror is and what we used to do. I 285 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 6: do think it's difficult for women. 286 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 1: You know what I know is sometimes there's certain girls 287 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,920 Speaker 1: that will be at a restaurant or in a bar 288 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: and they're not the prettiest and they don't have the 289 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 1: best body, but they have such an inner confidence that 290 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: they literally light up the room and men and women 291 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: are looking at them and they control it and they 292 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:31,560 Speaker 1: are something about them that is so sexual and so attractive, 293 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,760 Speaker 1: and that person I think just has a really strong 294 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,600 Speaker 1: sense of self. And to your initial point, which is, 295 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: if I think I'm hot, regardless I am, then everybody 296 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,840 Speaker 1: else around me. It's going to start from my own 297 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,920 Speaker 1: inner belief system. So I think the work is on 298 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,240 Speaker 1: us accepting us for who we are, you know, warts 299 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:53,880 Speaker 1: and all, weight gain and all because of our life experiences. 300 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 1: And somebody's going to appreciate it. And if they don't, 301 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 1: that's not the person for us. 302 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,080 Speaker 3: I hear you, But I the only thing I'll say. 303 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:06,120 Speaker 3: And my sister, like Louise, you've met my sister and 304 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 3: she is so confident. I mean, she's attractive, but her 305 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:12,200 Speaker 3: confidence just radiates and it's it is, it's so sexy. 306 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 2: I want to have sex with her. 307 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 3: I think for me though, back to the body image issues, 308 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 3: I think there you're right that I agree. It is 309 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,080 Speaker 3: this standard that's unrealistic and crazy and it's so sad. 310 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,720 Speaker 3: It's sad for us, but even sad more sad, I 311 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 3: think for our children, who you know, through social media 312 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 3: and all the rest are seeing it everywhere. 313 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,040 Speaker 4: But like it is. 314 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,920 Speaker 3: Real in the sense that I got out of a 315 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:40,560 Speaker 3: marriage and looking at my chapter two had three children, 316 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:44,800 Speaker 3: three children that I breastfed. You know, all of a sudden, 317 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,840 Speaker 3: I was sitting there saying, Okay, I don't feel like 318 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 3: I need to explain my body to my husband, who 319 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,880 Speaker 3: I've been with for twenty years, but to all of 320 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,600 Speaker 3: a sudden sleep with somebody new who might be looking 321 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 3: at my and you know, maybe his maybe he had 322 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,880 Speaker 3: a wife that had kids and all the rest. 323 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 4: But it's just it's really uncomfortable, you know, to. 324 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,360 Speaker 3: Think about, Okay, well, what are they going to see 325 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,720 Speaker 3: because they don't know everything that's gone into making this 326 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 3: body the body that it is positive or negative. 327 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,840 Speaker 6: Yeah, I think it comes back to really how you're feeling, 328 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,640 Speaker 6: because I see the same people that are just exuding 329 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 6: all of this confidence all admit, I'm super insecure. I 330 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 6: live in Costa Rica and I'll be at the beach 331 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,440 Speaker 6: on sunset, and I'm my own worst critic, thinking like 332 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,120 Speaker 6: twenty years ago, like I wish I had that body 333 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 6: back and just my own self critic. And you see 334 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,800 Speaker 6: these people that are just just radiating with that confidence, 335 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,040 Speaker 6: and that is the thing that's sexy. It's their own 336 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 6: belief system that they have about themselves. And really what 337 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,840 Speaker 6: it comes down to, if you're knowing that you have 338 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:55,200 Speaker 6: this insecurity, it's about how you see you, not having 339 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 6: to justify how you think somebody else sees you. And 340 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,200 Speaker 6: I think the secret is really trying to find the 341 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:05,120 Speaker 6: gratitude for our bodies, looking at things that our bodies 342 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,479 Speaker 6: do for us instead of just the reflection in the 343 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 6: mirror and the super first the surface level version of it. 344 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,639 Speaker 3: So what are other ways, for example, sleeping naked that 345 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,439 Speaker 3: can give you a shift? What are other ways to 346 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,679 Speaker 3: create that friction and excitement, whether it be for your 347 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,000 Speaker 3: partner or even starting for yourself. 348 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,639 Speaker 2: You know, well, you can dress up. I mean, you 349 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:29,920 Speaker 2: can wear like a kitty cat suit. 350 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,680 Speaker 4: I want to be a buddy Rabbit. No, I've done 351 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,560 Speaker 4: that before. A kitty cat for your partner, No, like. 352 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,520 Speaker 2: A whole thing. I'll tell you when we get off 353 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,000 Speaker 2: the phone. 354 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 3: Oh I had I had for Valentine's Day one time 355 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 3: I got this get up and I mean it had 356 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 3: so many things going on, like think the lord I 357 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 3: had a partner, because I never would have gotten out 358 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:49,000 Speaker 3: of it. 359 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,480 Speaker 1: I do think like when you do something unexpected, like 360 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 1: a crotchless cat suit for example, right like it's different, 361 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,360 Speaker 1: or you know, a vibrator, or different toys or different 362 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:00,520 Speaker 1: places to have. 363 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,800 Speaker 2: Sex, that maybe you're you know, not what you know. 364 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,960 Speaker 1: I mean, that's I think what changes this long term 365 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 1: very you know, kind of formulaic sex that happens a 366 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,040 Speaker 1: lot of times in these long term relationships where it's 367 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,760 Speaker 1: easy to be like I'm tired or not in the mood. 368 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,080 Speaker 1: And I think sometimes when you actually just get there 369 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: and you're doing it and they're like, oh my god, 370 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 1: this feels so good. 371 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:24,679 Speaker 2: Why don't I do this more often? 372 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,280 Speaker 6: It really is about intention and it's about looking at 373 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:32,439 Speaker 6: what the ingredients of desire is, because the ingredients of 374 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:36,120 Speaker 6: desire is essentially a paradox to love in a long 375 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:41,120 Speaker 6: term relationship. If you have just togetherness, you lose the mystery. 376 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,960 Speaker 6: And you have that mystery, you need to have that spontaneity. 377 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,920 Speaker 6: You need to have that sense of novelty, You need 378 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,320 Speaker 6: to have that excitement and what happens in long term relationships. 379 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:55,400 Speaker 6: It's actually the law of thermodynamics that states all systems 380 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 6: toso organized over time unless you put the right energy 381 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:02,200 Speaker 6: back into the system. This is why cars rust unless 382 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,560 Speaker 6: you take care of them, Bodies decay unless you take 383 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:09,159 Speaker 6: care of them, and all relationships the natural tendency is 384 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,480 Speaker 6: that they're going to lose their passion, lose their zest, 385 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:16,680 Speaker 6: lose the desire. Because people their lives become cannibalized by 386 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,760 Speaker 6: the roles, the responsibilities, the labels, and we come home 387 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,479 Speaker 6: and we're the lazy, tired, comfortable versions of ourselves and 388 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 6: so we lay down, we put the show on Netflix, 389 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,160 Speaker 6: and we're not putting the right ingredients into the system. 390 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 6: So you do need to You do need to come 391 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:36,159 Speaker 6: up with novelty and exciting things that not everything you 392 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,639 Speaker 6: come up with is going to be a home run, 393 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:43,119 Speaker 6: but putting the effort into it and trying to be creative. 394 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 6: If you don't have the creativity, the relationship and the 395 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,240 Speaker 6: desire is going to die. 396 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,160 Speaker 1: Do you remember My all time favorite movie was about 397 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,560 Speaker 1: Last Night with Brablo and Demi Moore, and there was 398 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,000 Speaker 1: out one line there like Monday night is Spahetty, Tuesday 399 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:58,879 Speaker 1: night is Tago Bar, Wednesday night is Sandwich night, and 400 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960 Speaker 1: somebody goes sandwich night. Is that when you guys have 401 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,320 Speaker 1: missionary sex once a week? Like it really stuck out 402 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 1: in my mind to your point is a intention. I 403 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,880 Speaker 1: love that that's the phrase you've used throughout this podcast, 404 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 1: But I also. 405 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,040 Speaker 2: Think what's harder too, which we which we should talk about. 406 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,120 Speaker 2: I think we're older than you, but our hormone. 407 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:22,360 Speaker 1: Levels, our sex drive, our desire. It changes for men 408 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:25,439 Speaker 1: and women, right and whether they have a hard time, 409 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,639 Speaker 1: you know or we You know, it's hard because you 410 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 1: want to come off. 411 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:31,080 Speaker 2: As like. 412 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,959 Speaker 1: Still ready to go and at your crime, but there 413 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,679 Speaker 1: are times where you know. I had a situation with 414 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:41,200 Speaker 1: a boyfriend where it had been a long time and 415 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,800 Speaker 1: it really hurts and it was still a new relationship 416 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,960 Speaker 1: and I was in my head like super embarrassed, and 417 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,200 Speaker 1: I didn't really know how to say to him, like 418 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,159 Speaker 1: I think I need to use some lubrication to make 419 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,000 Speaker 1: it more comfortable. Like I felt like something was wrong 420 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,920 Speaker 1: with me by having to say that. I was ashamed 421 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,800 Speaker 1: and he was like, great, let's go get it right now. 422 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,200 Speaker 1: Slip and slide, baby, you know what I'm saying it Yeah, 423 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,000 Speaker 1: but it doesn't matter because that falls into the category 424 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 1: of our own being our own worst critic, and we 425 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:14,320 Speaker 1: need to like seize ourselves and be authentic to who 426 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:17,720 Speaker 1: we are and and kind of say like this, I 427 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,440 Speaker 1: guess what we need to do at our age where 428 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,119 Speaker 1: we're at, or as anyone who's in a sexual relationship 429 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:26,560 Speaker 1: is kind of like stand up and say I have 430 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,520 Speaker 1: needs too, and this is what I like and this 431 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: is what turns me on, and this is what I need, 432 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 1: instead of coming from that place of I think I 433 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,800 Speaker 1: used to operate a little bit more out of fear 434 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,360 Speaker 1: until I was super super comfortable, and by the time 435 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,920 Speaker 1: I was super super comfortable to the person, I was 436 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:42,080 Speaker 1: over it and I didn't want to sleep with them 437 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 1: anymore anyways. 438 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:46,240 Speaker 3: Well, or you were prioritizing their needs over yours, right, 439 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,520 Speaker 3: is like wanting to make sure that it was good 440 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:51,520 Speaker 3: for them, because that was like you had done a 441 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:55,159 Speaker 3: good job, right, as opposed to am I enjoying this? 442 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 4: Do I want to do this? 443 00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,239 Speaker 6: I think that that is an outdated mindset that us 444 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:04,600 Speaker 6: as women, haven't released stand that we are only sexual 445 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:08,240 Speaker 6: beings when we are in partnership and having sex with 446 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:11,320 Speaker 6: our partner, where I believe that we should have our 447 00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:15,400 Speaker 6: own sensuality practice And it doesn't even sensuality doesn't even 448 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 6: have to be sexual. It can mean we take a 449 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,720 Speaker 6: bubble bath and we enjoy all the essential oils that 450 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,520 Speaker 6: we put in, or we get a nice cream and 451 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,000 Speaker 6: we just rub it onto our body. We stretch and 452 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,320 Speaker 6: we enjoy how it feels good, like we would just 453 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,440 Speaker 6: tune into our senses. 454 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:31,720 Speaker 2: And celebrate our feminine energy. 455 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,200 Speaker 6: Yeah, I don't think we do that enough. I think 456 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,639 Speaker 6: we wait until he's good to go, and then we're 457 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:40,320 Speaker 6: trying to please him instead of having our own practice 458 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,240 Speaker 6: in addition to our partnerships. 459 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,320 Speaker 3: Or if there isn't a partnership, because I feel like 460 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:50,160 Speaker 3: I always say to Louise, it's like for me, it's 461 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,240 Speaker 3: like working out, Like if you never work out, you 462 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,600 Speaker 3: don't miss working out, right, But if you work out 463 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,640 Speaker 3: every day and all of a sudden you don't work out, 464 00:22:56,800 --> 00:23:01,200 Speaker 3: it's really frustrating and you really see what's missing. And 465 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,280 Speaker 3: that is kind of how sex is with me, Like 466 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,400 Speaker 3: when I'm having sex I want a lot of sex. 467 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 3: I mean, I enjoy it and I want more sex. 468 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:12,639 Speaker 3: But when I am not having sex or engaged with 469 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,760 Speaker 3: a partner and I am the same I only sleep 470 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,200 Speaker 3: with one person in a committed way, then it's kind 471 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,000 Speaker 3: of like out of sight, out of mind. And so 472 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,879 Speaker 3: for me, my question to you, and I think you 473 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,800 Speaker 3: kind of alluded to it with just you know, taking 474 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,360 Speaker 3: more time for yourself, whether it be bath or whatnot, 475 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:33,760 Speaker 3: is how do I feel in the mood when I 476 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,520 Speaker 3: don't have another person, Because I then think I give 477 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,760 Speaker 3: off a very different energy and I'm probably again oxytocin 478 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:41,320 Speaker 3: I'm not getting that anymore. 479 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:47,360 Speaker 6: I think choice is the most potent energy on the planet, 480 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,800 Speaker 6: and I think it's about choosing that you're going to 481 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,479 Speaker 6: honor your sensuality. So it's not about being in the 482 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:57,240 Speaker 6: mood right now. It's about investing into yourself to create 483 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,960 Speaker 6: that shift and create that energy. So it's about choosing 484 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,480 Speaker 6: I'm going to listen to you know, in erotic audio book, 485 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,879 Speaker 6: or I'm going to choose to just go enjoy a 486 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,199 Speaker 6: nice bath. It's about just choosing to invest into you 487 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:16,400 Speaker 6: desire and sensuality. It's not just like this it's literally 488 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:20,520 Speaker 6: the most important component is your imagination and for women 489 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:24,760 Speaker 6: also anticipation. You know, there's a saying how men watch 490 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:29,200 Speaker 6: porn and women read harlequinn novel Yah fifty Shades of 491 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,040 Speaker 6: Great That was all yeah, exactly. 492 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:33,760 Speaker 5: So I think it's about choosing. 493 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,720 Speaker 6: If you want to maintain your sensuality, it's the same 494 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,440 Speaker 6: if you want to maintain your body, you have to 495 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,280 Speaker 6: choose to go to the gym. You have to choose 496 00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:43,920 Speaker 6: to invest into yourself in that way. It's the same 497 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,840 Speaker 6: with your sensuality. It's about making habits that are going 498 00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,920 Speaker 6: to create the outcome that you're trying to desire. 499 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,240 Speaker 3: So you have kind of a set practice or habit 500 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:53,040 Speaker 3: so to speak. 501 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,480 Speaker 6: Yeah, I have a self care practice. 502 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:57,439 Speaker 2: Can you publish it? 503 00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:58,080 Speaker 4: We buy it? 504 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,240 Speaker 1: So do you have any special as the expert that 505 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,720 Speaker 1: you are and the doctor, like any like suggestions to 506 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,800 Speaker 1: people navigating chapter two that are older that are maybely 507 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:16,640 Speaker 1: a little hormonally changed, like any magic vitamin we could 508 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:17,760 Speaker 1: take or something. 509 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,000 Speaker 6: I think it is really it's the same as meditation. 510 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,960 Speaker 6: It's the same with your workouts. There's a million different 511 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:29,800 Speaker 6: ways and methodologies. I think it's about experimenting and explore. 512 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:31,960 Speaker 5: A lot of women when. 513 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,959 Speaker 6: They come out of relationships, especially long term relationships, they 514 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,800 Speaker 6: really have no idea what it is that they like anymore, 515 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,359 Speaker 6: because they've just been conditioned to have a certain role 516 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,479 Speaker 6: in people pleasing tendencies. And so I think having the 517 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,879 Speaker 6: mindset of like this is an excellent time for self 518 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:53,359 Speaker 6: discovery and just really exploring a lot of different things. 519 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:59,520 Speaker 6: Explore looking at graphic art, Explore looking at erotic novels. 520 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 6: Explore were just feeling your own body? Explore vibrators, explore 521 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,600 Speaker 6: loop There's so many things to explore. But I think 522 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:11,560 Speaker 6: it's a very personal practice that each person needs to 523 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,880 Speaker 6: create for themselves. It's a self ritual. 524 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,480 Speaker 2: You guys, you want to know what's really funny? 525 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:31,520 Speaker 7: So I texted my ex husband before this podcast because 526 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,639 Speaker 7: he used to call my sexy pajamas that weren't sexy, 527 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,280 Speaker 7: like a certain name, and he'd be like, where are 528 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:37,200 Speaker 7: the all Stars tonight? 529 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:38,879 Speaker 2: He couldn't remember, and he just texted me He's like, 530 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,719 Speaker 2: the all Stars? How did I remember? He is so 531 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,440 Speaker 2: proud of himself they were called the All Stars. 532 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 3: But I really do think that Shanna is right, Louise, 533 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:52,480 Speaker 3: that you are always so on that. I think the 534 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,320 Speaker 3: reason people are turned on by that look is it 535 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 3: just shows that that it's almost like they're getting to 536 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:06,040 Speaker 3: see the real, true you and at complete leisure and comfort. 537 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,560 Speaker 3: And I think that that's why it's like flattering for 538 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:11,520 Speaker 3: them to be able to see you in your kind 539 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:12,680 Speaker 3: of raw natural state. 540 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,680 Speaker 1: Yes, exactly, And I think that that's why I haven't 541 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:21,720 Speaker 1: had pushback except for one person on what I wore 542 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,040 Speaker 1: at night, and he was a whole other ball of 543 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 1: wax like his like he used to do really very 544 00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:35,160 Speaker 1: kinky stuff, and I think for him he had that 545 00:27:35,359 --> 00:27:37,680 Speaker 1: was just going to be a non starter for him. 546 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,760 Speaker 2: But pretty much almost every other person I've been with. 547 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:47,280 Speaker 1: Has found that comfortable, softer look, which included you know, 548 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 1: the cotton nite shirts, as almost sexier than if I 549 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 1: were to come out. 550 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:58,200 Speaker 2: In actually the catsuit was with that guy. Is that interesting? 551 00:27:59,000 --> 00:27:59,840 Speaker 4: That is interesting. 552 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:03,680 Speaker 6: Do you find that men initiated more with you when 553 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,119 Speaker 6: you would come home and you'd be all put together 554 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,040 Speaker 6: or do you feel that they initiated more with you 555 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,040 Speaker 6: when you were the toned down, comfy version of yourself. 556 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:13,800 Speaker 2: That's a great question. 557 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,520 Speaker 1: I think it's interesting because I work full. 558 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:19,159 Speaker 2: Time in. 559 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:25,159 Speaker 1: A field where you're like making deals and you know, 560 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:30,520 Speaker 1: I'm pretty on and pretty like done up, right, And. 561 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:34,280 Speaker 2: Then when I come home. 562 00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:38,240 Speaker 1: And I'm more in a relaxed, kind of softer, more 563 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:43,480 Speaker 1: almost approachable state. Maybe, And I love chivalry because I 564 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:46,320 Speaker 1: think so much during the day I'm pretty alpha. 565 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:48,640 Speaker 2: You know the field I. 566 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,960 Speaker 1: Operate in, you know, whatever it is, you know the 567 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:53,320 Speaker 1: role I have in a lot of my relationships that 568 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:57,880 Speaker 1: when it comes to my relationships with men emotionally and physically, 569 00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,960 Speaker 1: I like a trigger poller. 570 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 2: I like chivalry. 571 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 1: I like a person who is takes aggressive and sexy 572 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,360 Speaker 1: and takes charge in the bedroom and all of that stuff. 573 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:12,120 Speaker 2: So maybe I. 574 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:15,080 Speaker 1: Get I actually subconsciously enter into that role of being 575 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:19,080 Speaker 1: a little more softer and approachable. So I think you're right, 576 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:22,880 Speaker 1: Like when I come home or it's that four o'clock 577 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,760 Speaker 1: before going out and putting on the look and I'm 578 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 1: just sitting around after like a chill day reading and 579 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,200 Speaker 1: that they really that's when they really come at me. 580 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:35,240 Speaker 2: And I'm more receptive. You know, in the morning, I. 581 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 1: Have too much in my mind, too much to do, 582 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,760 Speaker 1: Like I'm just it's just not where my body in 583 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:42,080 Speaker 1: my mind is and I find that when I get 584 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 1: home after dinner and I've eaten dinner, and I've had 585 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: a few drinks, and I'm kind of tired because. 586 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 2: It's tough for me. 587 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:52,280 Speaker 1: Also, that is a very tough window for me to 588 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:56,720 Speaker 1: become in the mood quite frankly, to have sex well. 589 00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 3: And it's interesting you say that because I also we've 590 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 3: talked about this, Luiz, but I feel like vacation. What 591 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:07,000 Speaker 3: is it about when you're on vacation, you're so much 592 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:10,560 Speaker 3: more in the mood right to be intimate. And how 593 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:15,440 Speaker 3: do you shift and have that vacation mindset when you're 594 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:16,080 Speaker 3: at home. 595 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,880 Speaker 1: Stop, don't work, Sit by a pool and play remy Cuban, 596 00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:21,080 Speaker 1: drink rose, take. 597 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,160 Speaker 2: It in bed, sit naked in bed, have a heeplate, 598 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:23,920 Speaker 2: no alarms. 599 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 4: No. 600 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:26,080 Speaker 1: I think you're right, like we need to have a 601 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:29,719 Speaker 1: vacation sex mentality twenty four to seven because I think 602 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:32,200 Speaker 1: would eliminate stress. I think would eliminate health issues, like 603 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:34,320 Speaker 1: I think it would actually eliminate a lot of stuff, 604 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:37,480 Speaker 1: Like I don't know, Shanna, do you have any suggestions 605 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:41,080 Speaker 1: on that? Because you've seen your energy is very calming, 606 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:43,160 Speaker 1: your aura. 607 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:47,640 Speaker 2: Is very soothing, like you've got this Mother Earth way 608 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:50,960 Speaker 2: about you. So there is something that you're doing that 609 00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 2: I don't think I'm doing it. I don't know. Actually, 610 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:55,200 Speaker 2: if Filma you're doing it either. 611 00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:59,520 Speaker 6: Well, for me, it actually took a lot for me 612 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,240 Speaker 6: to get to this place. I used to be very 613 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 6: go go, go, go go go, and I had to 614 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:11,400 Speaker 6: force myself to have work life balance, force myself to play. 615 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:15,960 Speaker 6: I'm very strict with my work hours now. First of all, 616 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,400 Speaker 6: I moved to Costa Rica from where from Canada? 617 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:20,840 Speaker 2: I moved to Costa Rica. 618 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:25,080 Speaker 6: So my work hours are seven to twelve and I 619 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,120 Speaker 6: will not work past that. And then I have my workout, 620 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:29,840 Speaker 6: and then I have the day where I go to 621 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:33,520 Speaker 6: the beach, I watch sunset every day and I just 622 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:38,640 Speaker 6: encompass the pura vida. But it was so difficult for 623 00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:40,719 Speaker 6: like that little voice in my head to be like, 624 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,840 Speaker 6: what are you doing watching a sunset on the beach 625 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:44,840 Speaker 6: right now? You could be doing this, and you should 626 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:47,080 Speaker 6: be taking more clients and you need to do this. 627 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:49,320 Speaker 6: And it was really difficult for me to get to 628 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:51,520 Speaker 6: the point where I was like, no, I am not 629 00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:53,080 Speaker 6: living my life to work. 630 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 2: I'm work working to live. 631 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:57,880 Speaker 6: And so it was a mindset that I really had 632 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:01,000 Speaker 6: to force myself into and still have that voice chirping 633 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,720 Speaker 6: at me a lot of the time, like do more, 634 00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:05,000 Speaker 6: be more, and I have to be like no, my 635 00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:08,200 Speaker 6: priority this year, like my New Year's resolution has worked less, 636 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:10,720 Speaker 6: play more, and I'm making sure that I do that. 637 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:14,440 Speaker 6: I take adventures every weekend, but twelve o'clock. 638 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:17,560 Speaker 5: I'm done. I'm done, no matter what. 639 00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:18,720 Speaker 4: That's my boundary. 640 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:22,080 Speaker 6: And it's really worked for me because before my life 641 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,600 Speaker 6: was literally just being cannibalized with all of the roles 642 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:29,040 Speaker 6: and the responsibilities and everything. I thought that I had 643 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,680 Speaker 6: to be doing instead of just being. 644 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:32,600 Speaker 4: And did that? 645 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,240 Speaker 3: And do you feel like your sex life and intimacy 646 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:38,560 Speaker 3: and all the rest is vastly different now that you 647 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 3: live your life very differently? 648 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:42,000 Speaker 2: Huge? 649 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:45,080 Speaker 5: Huge? I feel that definitely. 650 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,880 Speaker 6: You know, in the mornings before I'm working, it's never 651 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:50,600 Speaker 6: the time to initiate. 652 00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:51,640 Speaker 5: Because I'm like, I got to get at it, I 653 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:52,400 Speaker 5: got to get dressed. 654 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:55,120 Speaker 2: So you and I are aligned on that very much. 655 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,760 Speaker 6: And then I need to have my hour right after 656 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:01,200 Speaker 6: work where I release and I work out. Then I 657 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:05,200 Speaker 6: have my shower and then I'm relaxed. I'm in the 658 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,480 Speaker 6: mood I probably put on more of my sexy attire 659 00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:10,920 Speaker 6: though when I relax, because here I can wear like 660 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:18,040 Speaker 6: the little spaghetti dresses but climb at mostly Whereas Yeah, 661 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:22,120 Speaker 6: during the day, I'm more you know, put together and professional. 662 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:24,960 Speaker 6: So when I just decided to let loose, Yeah, It's 663 00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:28,000 Speaker 6: made me feel so much more desire than I used 664 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,680 Speaker 6: to because I'm actually connecting to myself now. I never 665 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:32,880 Speaker 6: had time to connect to myself previously. 666 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:38,400 Speaker 1: Are there are certain like sexual you know, flirting techniques 667 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:42,360 Speaker 1: or or something that we as women can be doing 668 00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:46,000 Speaker 1: that will help get us to the bedroom, like other 669 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:46,960 Speaker 1: than pajamas. 670 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:53,360 Speaker 6: I think there's lots of techniques that work, But it's 671 00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:56,360 Speaker 6: really also about being authentic to yourself as well. Right, 672 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,360 Speaker 6: It's not about putting on a facade in order to 673 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:02,160 Speaker 6: get to the bedroom. Both of you are gorgeous. I 674 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:04,200 Speaker 6: don't think you have any problem getting to the bedroom. 675 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,480 Speaker 6: If you want to get to the bedroom. It's more 676 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,680 Speaker 6: about putting yourself into the mood where you want to 677 00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:11,640 Speaker 6: get to the bedroom. And I think it's really just 678 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:14,960 Speaker 6: again about finding your own sensuality practice and finding ways 679 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:18,480 Speaker 6: to connect to yourself. If you're not connected to yourself, 680 00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,000 Speaker 6: you're not going to be able to connect to somebody 681 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:20,959 Speaker 6: else sexually. 682 00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:23,920 Speaker 1: And that falls under what we were saying earlier about bookcare, 683 00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:28,239 Speaker 1: the girl that everybody notices who just has that she's 684 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:29,240 Speaker 1: like in love with herself. 685 00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,160 Speaker 2: She basically wants to have sex with herself. 686 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:36,360 Speaker 3: But Shanna, like, do you believe strongly in a masturbation practice, Like, 687 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:38,279 Speaker 3: let's really get down to it, because I think we 688 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:41,040 Speaker 3: talk about these girls that are really confident and whether 689 00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:43,319 Speaker 3: I don't want to dismiss that they haven't worked really 690 00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:45,600 Speaker 3: hard on that confidence, but I think it comes innately 691 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,360 Speaker 3: for some and it comes less and nately for others, 692 00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:52,799 Speaker 3: And especially you know, the topic of our podcast is 693 00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:58,040 Speaker 3: second chapters often coming back after divorce. Even if you're confident, 694 00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:00,520 Speaker 3: it's definitely a new experience for you. 695 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,239 Speaker 4: And so I know you. 696 00:35:03,239 --> 00:35:06,799 Speaker 3: You know you have given examples, but like, talk to 697 00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:08,200 Speaker 3: us about masturbation. 698 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,600 Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean, I do strongly believe in having a 699 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:15,719 Speaker 6: masturbation practice. I do think though it should be with 700 00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:19,920 Speaker 6: your own curated fantasies and your imagination. I don't think 701 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,960 Speaker 6: it should be with pornography. I think if we're using 702 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,920 Speaker 6: external stimulus, then it makes it harder to orgasm with 703 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:26,480 Speaker 6: a partner. 704 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:29,560 Speaker 5: I think it's about. 705 00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:34,240 Speaker 6: Again taking time to feel your own body, feel the sensations, 706 00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:38,000 Speaker 6: think about what your fantasies are, and enjoy that as 707 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:42,360 Speaker 6: a process. I think in sex with a partner, a 708 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,920 Speaker 6: lot of us are in our heads a lot thinking, 709 00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:50,560 Speaker 6: oh is he liking it? Am I taking too long? 710 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,680 Speaker 6: And we have all of these thoughts going on. So 711 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:56,440 Speaker 6: I think the ability to just get really comfortable and 712 00:35:56,600 --> 00:36:00,719 Speaker 6: taking your time thinking about your own fantasies, feeling your 713 00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:04,680 Speaker 6: own body, and allowing yourself to reach orgasm is essential 714 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:08,520 Speaker 6: because if you don't have that confidence getting yourself off again, 715 00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:10,239 Speaker 6: you're not going to be able to get to that 716 00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:12,640 Speaker 6: place when you're in a partnership. Or are you going 717 00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:15,680 Speaker 6: to be able to help people and guide people to 718 00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:17,719 Speaker 6: get you there in partnership either. 719 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,399 Speaker 3: I think your point about slut, I mean again, am 720 00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:22,160 Speaker 3: I getting there? 721 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:22,480 Speaker 2: You know? 722 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:26,400 Speaker 3: Is it taking too long? I think that that resonates 723 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:29,960 Speaker 3: with me. And it's interesting because my last partner was 724 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:36,040 Speaker 3: the most attentive, amazing lover so to speak, and I 725 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:40,920 Speaker 3: mean it made such a difference in terms of my enjoyment. 726 00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:44,879 Speaker 1: He also made you feel from day one really good 727 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:46,480 Speaker 1: about yourself physically. 728 00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:46,960 Speaker 4: It's crazy. 729 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,919 Speaker 3: I attribute one hundred percent of my body confidence to him, 730 00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:54,480 Speaker 3: which I will never be able to repay him. And 731 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:56,960 Speaker 3: I'm so incredibly grateful. And I often think, you know, 732 00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:00,440 Speaker 3: you can't somebody else can't make you feel a different way. 733 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:04,200 Speaker 3: But I would argue that, like he spent so much 734 00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:08,600 Speaker 3: time and was so attentive and complimentary and all of 735 00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,560 Speaker 3: these things that I mean, I believed it. Like I 736 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:14,200 Speaker 3: was cruising around naked where I never used to do that, 737 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:18,480 Speaker 3: feeling like I was God's gift. And I mean, I 738 00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:20,080 Speaker 3: hope there weren't a lot of mirrors around, but let 739 00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:23,360 Speaker 3: me tell you, I felt amazing. And as a result, 740 00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:27,040 Speaker 3: I've never had sex like that, and I am worried 741 00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:28,040 Speaker 3: I'm never going to have it again. 742 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:30,160 Speaker 2: It was like, so sad, Well he still have sex 743 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:30,400 Speaker 2: with you. 744 00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,440 Speaker 3: He's dying to still have sex with you anyway, And 745 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,000 Speaker 3: I get tempted often, I do. Part of the vacation 746 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,799 Speaker 3: mentality is this slowing down, right, And I think for 747 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:42,560 Speaker 3: so long in our chapter ones, we were spending so 748 00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:42,920 Speaker 3: much time. 749 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:43,640 Speaker 4: Whether people have. 750 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,080 Speaker 3: Young children or jobs or this, Like the best thing 751 00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:51,040 Speaker 3: about getting older is that, hopefully, if we're lucky enough, 752 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:55,000 Speaker 3: we don't have such pressing schedules in an ideal world, right, 753 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,840 Speaker 3: but like the children, the nine to five jobs, everything. 754 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:02,680 Speaker 3: So as a result, we should be finding more gratitude 755 00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:05,279 Speaker 3: and the ability to slow down, especially when it comes 756 00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:07,719 Speaker 3: to sex, because if you slow down and there's no 757 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:10,520 Speaker 3: like tapping out for who got the first orgasm and 758 00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:12,040 Speaker 3: how quickly it came like. 759 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:13,400 Speaker 4: It can be really enjoyable. 760 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:18,680 Speaker 6: And a partner also when we are talking about sex 761 00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:24,480 Speaker 6: with partnerships, a partner who also respects a woman's pleasure. 762 00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:29,840 Speaker 6: You know, Unfortunately men, a lot of men learn about 763 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:33,080 Speaker 6: sex through porn, so they have the mentality that it's 764 00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,879 Speaker 6: very performance based and very just wham bam, thank you, ma'am. 765 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:42,080 Speaker 6: It's that they're not prioritizing our pleasure. So again, you 766 00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:44,759 Speaker 6: need to prioritize your own pleasure so that you have 767 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:47,320 Speaker 6: the confidence that that is a standard. 768 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,680 Speaker 3: That needs to be set with your partner, and communicate 769 00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:51,000 Speaker 3: with them, right, communicate. 770 00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,480 Speaker 6: But also if it's not as important to him your pleasure, 771 00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:55,720 Speaker 6: I mean, that's a big red flag. 772 00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:01,200 Speaker 1: I think that I I think what my experience has 773 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:05,080 Speaker 1: been as we've gotten older, that and the men have 774 00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:08,719 Speaker 1: gotten older, is I actually have felt that the men 775 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,839 Speaker 1: that I've been with, they do care about my pleasure. Now, 776 00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:14,120 Speaker 1: it could be more a function of their ego of like, 777 00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:16,360 Speaker 1: oh my god, like did I not make you have 778 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:19,640 Speaker 1: an orgasm, and maybe less about me having orgasm, But 779 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:22,760 Speaker 1: I think that either I have noticed that most men 780 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,480 Speaker 1: that I have been with and granted their age appropriate, 781 00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:28,560 Speaker 1: they are able. 782 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:29,560 Speaker 2: To have conversations. 783 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,759 Speaker 1: They want to know what makes me feel good, and 784 00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:35,799 Speaker 1: there's definitely more open communication. 785 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:38,920 Speaker 3: I totally agree with you, Louise I one hundred percent 786 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,880 Speaker 3: think that at this stage in life, most men, if 787 00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:46,120 Speaker 3: they're generally good guys, I do think it's an age 788 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:48,640 Speaker 3: and a maturity thing and that they are really into 789 00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:51,160 Speaker 3: wanting to make sure that it's pleasurable. 790 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:53,480 Speaker 1: And they have their own insecurities as well. Right Like, 791 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,400 Speaker 1: we sit there and think that it's just us to 792 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:59,759 Speaker 1: feel about our bodies or feel potentially about you know, 793 00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:03,680 Speaker 1: our dryness or whatever, but they maybe worry about like 794 00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:06,440 Speaker 1: can they get it up, or how long will it 795 00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:08,360 Speaker 1: take them to come or not come. 796 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:09,680 Speaker 2: Or you know, all these different things. 797 00:40:09,719 --> 00:40:13,400 Speaker 1: So I think open communication kind of creates the ability 798 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:17,239 Speaker 1: to even have more intense sex because it's almost more 799 00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:21,480 Speaker 1: raw and vulnerable I don't know, it's a lot of 800 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:23,319 Speaker 1: it's a lot of It's definitely a lot of food 801 00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:23,719 Speaker 1: for thought. 802 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:27,000 Speaker 2: I think it's such an interesting conversation, Shannon. 803 00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:29,800 Speaker 1: You must love what you do and helping people and 804 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:31,960 Speaker 1: talking about it because at the end of the day, 805 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:35,640 Speaker 1: you know, people are physical beings and they want to 806 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:37,759 Speaker 1: love and they want to touch and be touched, and 807 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:39,399 Speaker 1: I mean, that's that's what you do. 808 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:45,360 Speaker 6: Yeah, it's very rewarding. It's also very stimulating. It's people 809 00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:47,880 Speaker 6: are very complex, so it also keeps me on my 810 00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:51,720 Speaker 6: toes to I mean, I learn, I learn about people 811 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:55,120 Speaker 6: every day. People surprise me every day with something I 812 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:58,200 Speaker 6: haven't heard before. But it's very rewarding to be able 813 00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:01,040 Speaker 6: to help people find their find they're happy and find 814 00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:01,640 Speaker 6: their pleasure. 815 00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:04,680 Speaker 2: Well, you have been amazing to talk to. 816 00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:08,279 Speaker 1: Honestly, we were really excited to have this conversation with 817 00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:08,880 Speaker 1: you today. 818 00:41:09,239 --> 00:41:12,680 Speaker 6: Definitely, Well, thank you very much for having me. It's 819 00:41:12,719 --> 00:41:15,040 Speaker 6: been awesome talking with the two of you. 820 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:16,719 Speaker 2: Thanks take care. 821 00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,399 Speaker 3: There is definitely so much to consider when it comes 822 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,120 Speaker 3: to our intersexyness that I know I will definitely be 823 00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:25,640 Speaker 3: thinking about for weeks. For all of you out there, 824 00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:28,280 Speaker 3: are you navigating sex for the first time post divorce, 825 00:41:28,640 --> 00:41:31,799 Speaker 3: finding dating hard now that you are single again. We 826 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:34,600 Speaker 3: would love to hear from you. Call us or email us, 827 00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:37,120 Speaker 3: follow us on socials. All the information will be in 828 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:39,040 Speaker 3: the show notes, and make sure to rate and review 829 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:43,480 Speaker 3: this podcast. I Do Part two, an iHeartRadio podcast where 830 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:46,359 Speaker 3: falling in love is the main objective.