WEBVTT - A Friendly Break Up 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:07.200 Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I heard radio podcast Katherine. 0:00:07.200 --> 0:00:09.960 I haven't seen you in so long. It's been like 0:00:10.600 --> 0:00:12.760 two weeks. I think it's been more than that. More. 0:00:13.080 --> 0:00:17.279 It feels like it's been forever. Crazy setting, man, Jet, 0:00:17.640 --> 0:00:20.520 you're all over the place. Yeah, we went it was 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:25.759 Cancoon and then we went to at Los Angeles and 0:00:25.800 --> 0:00:28.760 then yeah back but I mean, you didn't do anything 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:31.000 for spring break, did you know? So we were just 0:00:31.080 --> 0:00:36.280 here care like, nothing to do. It's snowed here. I 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:38.240 heard it was like seventy degrees and then snow. It 0:00:38.280 --> 0:00:41.920 was crazy. It was not fun. Um My random thought 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:44.680 of the day is it's so annoying when your phone 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:48.120 doesn't charge overnight. Because now I'm like screwed this entire day. 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:51.600 Was it actually plugged in? He was, But the light 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:55.320 switch like sometimes it's turned off, which is connected to 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:57.320 the thing that's like one of my biggest pet Pee's 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:00.520 light switches that are connected to I hate him. It 0:01:00.680 --> 0:01:02.840 was crazy because now I'm screwed. Like now I just 0:01:02.920 --> 0:01:05.720 can't get like good, you know, I'm like I'm gonna 0:01:05.760 --> 0:01:07.680 be reading it in a little bit and then have 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:09.640 to use it and yeah, because I can't just leave 0:01:09.640 --> 0:01:12.680 it there for six hours to charge or however long 0:01:12.680 --> 0:01:16.039 it's gonna take. Ah, that's my rooins for the day. 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:18.720 Your hair looks good. Thank you like it. It's long, 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:22.880 it's back too long. I feel like myself again. So like, 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:26.880 cancoon l a tell us something, give us something good? Oh? 0:01:27.080 --> 0:01:32.280 Do you want the highs or the lows? High? Um? 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:36.840 Mark would go with lows? Um highs? What was the highs? Um? 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:40.440 I feel like I heard a lot of till already. Well, 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:46.560 I mean, yeah, um the highs were. It was really 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:51.840 fun to make some good memories with the kids. Like 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:55.600 all in all, they had a lot of fun, and 0:01:55.680 --> 0:01:59.200 like all in all they had like they just looked happy. 0:01:59.760 --> 0:02:02.720 That good. I think King Koons stressed everybody out just 0:02:02.800 --> 0:02:06.400 because the travel getting there was not how we thought 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:11.200 it was going to be. Um that traveled, Like traveling 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:16.480 with kids in general is sucky. Yeah, and then traveling 0:02:16.720 --> 0:02:19.560 and then having like a long layover, like long like 0:02:19.600 --> 0:02:22.160 three and a half four hour layover is not fun either. 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:26.200 And then you know they had woken up like three 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:28.600 thirty in the morning, so it was just a very 0:02:28.760 --> 0:02:33.359 long day. And then poor Jason, my sweet little JS, 0:02:33.560 --> 0:02:37.399 like got this tick from traveling, So it started with traveling. 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:40.440 So what he would do is like, so he's got SPD, 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.080 which we took him the doctors and she confirmed. She's like, 0:02:43.120 --> 0:02:45.079 you know, you can take into a specialist. Like a 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:48.440 lot of kids can outgrow it, but with SPD, it's 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:51.600 a sensory processing disorder. My thing, Like I've done so 0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:54.519 much research on it. They're saying it's there's an a 0:02:54.560 --> 0:02:57.359 lot of kids that have SPD have autism. So what 0:02:57.639 --> 0:03:02.160 her main not concerned earn because you know whatever, but 0:03:02.240 --> 0:03:05.440 like she's just like, let's check off the autism off 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:08.240 the list first. And so she was doing like a 0:03:08.280 --> 0:03:10.520 few things in the office with him, and she's just like, 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:13.400 I just don't think he's even like near the spectrum 0:03:13.480 --> 0:03:16.880 because you know, he's so like engaging and cuddly and 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:18.880 like wants to share, and like she's like, I just 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:21.960 think he just has SPD. So she's like, you can 0:03:21.960 --> 0:03:24.880 do these like techniques and tricks and you can bring 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:26.639 him to a specialist. And I was like, well, let's 0:03:26.720 --> 0:03:28.440 let me just like keep doing what I'm doing because 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:31.720 it seems to be working. Um, but like for example, 0:03:31.720 --> 0:03:33.640 like when he puts on a shirt and like there's 0:03:33.639 --> 0:03:35.840 this one texture of this Zara sweat trip that he 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:37.960 has that's a little like it's up soft, it's like 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:39.480 a little rougher it. It's it's like, you know, like 0:03:39.480 --> 0:03:43.800 those recycled water bottles like feel sweat shirts. I wouldn't 0:03:43.800 --> 0:03:46.720 want to wear an I don't either, but like you know, 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:50.200 he's he's when he when he feels that, he goes 0:03:50.280 --> 0:03:51.880 he goes like this with his shoulders and he like 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:54.040 shrugs his shoulders and he's like, I don't like the 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:56.040 you don't like how feel, and he freaks out. I'm like, okay, 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:58.400 let's take it off. All good. But now I'm like 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:00.520 before I give him a shirt, I'm like, hey, Buddy Field, 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:02.720 this do you like this? Can we put this on you? 0:04:03.200 --> 0:04:04.560 And then like but if there's a tag, I have 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:07.880 to immediately cut off the tag because like that bothers him. 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:10.280 So he started shrugging his shoulders because he wanted to 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:14.400 see and if the shirt doesn't fit him, like he'll 0:04:14.440 --> 0:04:17.080 go like too big, too big. And I'm like, baby, 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:19.159 it's a three T like it fits you perfectly. But 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:20.800 I'm like all right, so I go back down to 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:22.320 like a two tea to like something that was like 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:24.159 more like snug on him. That feels like more like 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:28.240 comfort because they say like again kids with SPD have 0:04:28.440 --> 0:04:32.960 really bad or high anxiety, so um, just to calm 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:35.160 them down, you know, I put my hands like now 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:37.080 on his shoulder just to like kind of like you know, 0:04:37.120 --> 0:04:43.000 almost like my weighted blankets. That's gonna ask so um 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:45.200 he started shrugging like that, but it would would only 0:04:45.240 --> 0:04:47.560 just to be his like fit, like to see if 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:49.520 it fits him, and then it wouldn't. He wouldn't like 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:53.000 continue on doing it. So the next day in King Kon, 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:57.560 I started noticing him like shrugging his shoulders but like 0:04:58.160 --> 0:05:00.960 every two seconds, and I was like, hey, Ian, like 0:05:01.200 --> 0:05:02.760 clock that look at that, and he's like, yeah, I 0:05:02.800 --> 0:05:05.320 noticed it too. Um He's like I saw him do 0:05:05.320 --> 0:05:07.520 it actually in the air porestrisk Oh I didn't see that. 0:05:08.560 --> 0:05:11.440 So it's like again like anxiety or whatever that comes 0:05:11.480 --> 0:05:13.200 up for him. But I mean he did it, so 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:16.080 I mean it was like two seven and I was 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:17.760 just like, oh my gosh. And that's when I was like, 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:21.560 is you know, like does he need to go? Like 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:23.039 do I have to take him somewhere? But then you 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:26.560 said that someone. Yeah, so Ammy had like a blinking tick. 0:05:27.000 --> 0:05:30.760 She blinked all the time. Um. And I think she 0:05:30.960 --> 0:05:33.640 was four or so because I think I remember the 0:05:33.680 --> 0:05:38.520 pediatrician saying, if it's just like a like an anxious 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:41.760 thing or you know whatever, like a coping or whatever, 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:45.000 usually it clears by six. I want to say it 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:46.680 was the number. I could be wrong, but there was 0:05:46.720 --> 0:05:49.159 like an age that he's like, so just wait it out. 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:51.320 You don't have to call it out, just like kind 0:05:51.320 --> 0:05:53.160 of let it be. And it was about that time 0:05:53.160 --> 0:05:56.240 that it just kind of stopped interesting. So I think 0:05:56.360 --> 0:05:59.160 I saw it in somewhat anxious time. She's not really 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:01.359 an anxious child though, but it would be kind of 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:04.920 like stressful times or tired or whatever. And then she 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:06.880 had another friend that had that did the same thing. 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:10.880 So I mean, I think it's more common than you. Yeah, 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:13.280 because I was I started lynn. I looked into it 0:06:13.360 --> 0:06:15.040 because if people are like, hey, that's what my son does, 0:06:15.080 --> 0:06:17.720 and he has tourettes, so I'm like, okay, like I'm gonna, 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:20.960 you know, kind of keep an eye on it. Um. 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:22.760 But then I then I and I are talking and 0:06:22.800 --> 0:06:24.279 I was like, well, do you have any ticks? I'm like, 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:25.680 I have a tick. I was like if you ever 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:29.400 noticed my tick? Like and so it's and I guess 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:31.359 he had one too. He used to scrunch his nose. 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:33.320 Oh I did that when I was sugar, and he's 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:36.960 like I had to physically be like stop because it 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:39.680 just like I would do it all the time. And 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:41.440 then like same with mine, like you know mine, but 0:06:41.480 --> 0:06:43.120 like I like scratched my nose and left my eyes up. 0:06:43.400 --> 0:06:45.279 But it's like I do it when I'm stressed. It 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:49.520 only comes when I'm like super stressed. And then like 0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:52.080 when I'm not, I'm like, okay, I can control it, 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:55.240 but it's just like this weird like yeah. But then 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:57.120 I but I did start crying though in kin Kung 0:06:57.160 --> 0:06:58.839 because I was like how did I mess? You know, 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:03.360 I'm like it's I was like so stressed and he 0:07:03.440 --> 0:07:05.240 probably felt my stress and I'm a bad mom and 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:07.479 like you know, like but we just go straight to 0:07:07.560 --> 0:07:10.480 like it's my fault and like my kid is having 0:07:10.600 --> 0:07:15.000 now he now has this syndrome or tick thing because 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:19.200 I was yelling at everybody the airport because I was 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:23.360 so stressed. My stress then went on like my kids, 0:07:23.520 --> 0:07:25.400 So has it slowed down or is he still doing it? 0:07:25.600 --> 0:07:28.200 So now it's just his right one. Now he'll just 0:07:28.320 --> 0:07:33.480 kind of like right shoulder ticket and I just, I 0:07:33.520 --> 0:07:36.560 mean everything, I got it again. I read it was like, 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:38.960 don't call attention to it. When I do see him, 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:40.440 I just like squeeze him. I give him like a 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:46.080 like a good big hug. But um, it has slowed down. Yeah, 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:48.280 I feel like it'll go through kind of seasons in 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:50.720 a way. I remember that with Ammy, Like we've only 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:52.280 never had one, so this is like that what was 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:54.480 I haven't noticed it on any of the other kids, 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:57.160 but there might not be as obvious. I mean, the 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:00.960 blinking was so obvious. Shrugging is so obvious, you know. 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:03.520 So I can remember there was like times where she 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:05.280 did it all the time and times I was like, oh, 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:06.840 she's not really doing it, you know. So it kind 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:11.360 of comes and goes to I feel like, yeah, I know. 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:13.480 It just it just made me feel bad because I'm like, 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:15.080 you know, you know, and then I start to think, 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:17.000 I'm like, you don't want anything, so I kinn't want 0:08:17.040 --> 0:08:20.080 kids to make fun of him. Yeah, So then I 0:08:20.080 --> 0:08:22.360 started to get sad about that, and I'm like, I 0:08:22.400 --> 0:08:26.640 don't know which also speaking of Jay's, He's got that 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:30.640 thing on his head, the subacious nevus um and I 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:32.480 was looking. So he needs to get it removed because 0:08:32.480 --> 0:08:35.199 it could turn into skin cancer. So I have it 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:38.400 scheduled to do it, but he can't eat or drink 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:42.280 past midnight. His surgery is not till ten. So I've 0:08:42.320 --> 0:08:44.959 been talking to my ex to be like when he 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:47.280 wants water or his bar, like he loves those little 0:08:47.280 --> 0:08:49.840 cliff bars, like in the morning, like he's hungry, like 0:08:50.960 --> 0:08:55.679 he's nothing. I'm like, he's not going to understand that, 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:59.079 Like he can't have this. Can you reschedule it for earlier? 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:02.200 I I could, I could actually actually I should ask 0:09:02.240 --> 0:09:04.920 for that. I would um. But if not, I'm almost 0:09:04.960 --> 0:09:08.000 thinking like it doesn't hurt to wait, it just hurts 0:09:08.080 --> 0:09:09.480 it like he has it for a little long long. 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:12.720 I'm almost thinking like if I can't reschedule, I'm like 0:09:12.720 --> 0:09:14.240 I might just do it like Jolie's age, I can 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:16.319 be like, hey, babe, like you can't or you'll throw up. 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:18.760 I mean all my kids when they had Kayden had 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:23.280 a mole removed, Amy had tubes. They were all really early, 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:25.720 like we woke them up. They went in their pajamas 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:27.800 and we got there. I'm gonna call on us because 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:29.800 I just I'm like I told my X, I was like, 0:09:30.880 --> 0:09:32.400 I just don't want that for him because he's not 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:34.720 going to understand. And I can't, Like as a I 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:37.600 feel like selfishly as a mom, like I'm like, okay, 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:40.280 if if I can, he doesn't, it doesn't have to 0:09:40.280 --> 0:09:41.880 be done right now. Like I have no kids that 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:45.400 get it done when they're like twelve, but like I 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:48.680 just like I can't. I can't handle seeing my kid upset. Yeah, 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:50.559 I mean, I mean I get it. I think that's tough. 0:09:50.800 --> 0:09:53.880 I mean, that's for sure tough. And if it's okay 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:57.439 to wait, I don't see why not. But okay, Kin 0:09:57.559 --> 0:10:00.640 was fun. He was just like it was is really 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:03.079 windy in Cancun, and so again for a sensory kid, 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:06.560 it was like that was his worst nightmare and my 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:10.199 worst nightmare. And it was like, you know, I definitely 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:13.640 put my stress because I can't. It's hard for me 0:10:13.679 --> 0:10:18.240 to communicate to everyone around me that like I need 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:20.599 a break, But I'm like, who can I ask for 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:24.160 a break. It's not Ian's kid, you know what I mean. 0:10:24.160 --> 0:10:25.920 So it was like how did that? How did that? 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:28.560 How does that work? Well? No, it's it's hard. And 0:10:28.600 --> 0:10:31.800 that's like where I was like, it just was like, 0:10:31.880 --> 0:10:33.800 you know, he's got his kid, I've got it. Was 0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:35.400 it was the first time. It was like the first 0:10:35.520 --> 0:10:39.400 like of course it was going to be um stressful 0:10:39.400 --> 0:10:41.920 in certain situations, but I mean, bless him, Like he's 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:44.960 just like, what do you, like, how can I help you? 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:47.280 Like I I want to help, and I'm like, but 0:10:47.440 --> 0:10:49.800 for me, it's hard to ask when it's like, Jason, 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:54.160 isn't your son? Jason like word like it's it was 0:10:54.240 --> 0:10:55.880 if you were my ex, and my ex wold no, 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:57.680 like just to give me a break or like he'll 0:10:57.720 --> 0:10:59.280 take him or whatever. But it's like, you're not going 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:01.319 to come take j is for me when he's screaming crying, 0:11:01.400 --> 0:11:05.160 like he's obviously gonna want mom or his dad, right, 0:11:05.440 --> 0:11:07.360 So it's like but then I'm like I need a 0:11:07.760 --> 0:11:10.160 break because I'm exhausted because I've dealt with him now 0:11:10.200 --> 0:11:12.120 for the last two days from like the plane and 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:15.720 now he's like screaming crying because it's windy out yeah 0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:18.240 you know, So it's like it puts and I was 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:21.240 like telling our therapist this amy. I was just like, 0:11:22.720 --> 0:11:24.840 it's just so hard to ask when I'm like, it's 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:26.079 not because the end of the day, he's gonna go 0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:27.679 to his kid. I'm gonna go to my two kids. 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:30.960 And that's one of your things what to ask for help. 0:11:31.240 --> 0:11:33.880 It's so hard because I want can't you say that 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:37.120 I need a break from this kid? You know. The 0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:40.440 problem though, is that he really just wants you, so 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.600 you just have to go away, right. That's the hard 0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:46.240 part because again, if my ex was there, that's and 0:11:46.240 --> 0:11:49.240 that's where like that and that's where it's like I missed, 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:53.000 like my family got it. It's like I don't miss 0:11:53.040 --> 0:11:55.080 like if someone told me, they're like because I hadn't 0:11:55.120 --> 0:11:57.360 you know, I struggled with obviously, I cried before I left. 0:11:57.720 --> 0:12:02.040 It was it's more just like the family dynamic of 0:12:02.120 --> 0:12:05.000 being able to help and being able to like that 0:12:05.200 --> 0:12:09.160 is a huge piece of that because if he was 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:11.360 Mike was there, like he had got him or whatever 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:15.440 and helped and like and I know in time like 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:18.120 hopefully like the blended family, like who knows, like if 0:12:18.120 --> 0:12:21.400 we right so well And also it's kind of like 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:24.920 you're still a single mom, yeah, but you have a 0:12:24.920 --> 0:12:27.680 boyfriend who has a kid. It's tricky. I've been wondering 0:12:27.720 --> 0:12:31.120 how that works because that would be hard. Yeah, but 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:33.880 it's hard. Don't take time. And I just I would 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:35.760 love to like see, like I'd love to like talk 0:12:35.760 --> 0:12:37.520 to like someone because I don't really know anyone in 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:39.280 that situation or like how they deal with it or 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:43.000 how they like, you know. And and for me, I 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:44.880 was just like, it just feels so separate and like 0:12:44.960 --> 0:12:49.040 not like. And I know again like maybe in time, 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:51.679 if we were to like ever really to become like 0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:54.320 and it became you know, more serious or whatever, like 0:12:54.400 --> 0:12:56.480 it would feel different. But and maybe it was just 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:59.720 the first time, but it just felt like it made 0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:04.160 me miss like my family right quote unquote right because 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:06.880 it's different. It's very different. Yeah, And I'm like, is 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:09.679 it always going to feel this way? Um? So one 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:10.959 of the days and then I think too, was like 0:13:11.000 --> 0:13:13.120 the weather. It was ter it was so bad, it 0:13:13.200 --> 0:13:15.080 was like cold and like, and then there was like 0:13:15.120 --> 0:13:18.720 one nice day and I was just of course, this 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:20.480 is what I do. I like and we're trying to 0:13:20.480 --> 0:13:22.599 stop the process and therapy, but I like build and 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:25.280 then I explode and um, and then you know, and 0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:28.520 then it's regretting, I'm sorry and whatever, and she's like, 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.080 you gotta somewhere in there like asked for what you 0:13:31.120 --> 0:13:33.600 need or like. So I'm just like, it would be 0:13:33.640 --> 0:13:35.880 really nice, like when I bring up Ja's for his nap, 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:37.040 because I'm like, you know, I gotta go to the 0:13:37.120 --> 0:13:38.719 naps and then I'm away for two It's like I 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.480 would like to also enjoy this one beautiful day of sun, 0:13:41.800 --> 0:13:43.920 right you know. And he was just like, well, how 0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:45.560 about like you go up there right now and then 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:47.600 I'll come like re leave you in an hour. And 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:51.360 I was just like, yeah, that'd be great. So but 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:54.880 it was hard. Anyways, we will get back to that. 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:56.800 We'll talk about the rest of the trip. But we 0:13:56.880 --> 0:14:03.320 have um Aaron in the waiting room, and UM very timely, 0:14:03.640 --> 0:14:05.840 very excited to get her on. But first she wrote 0:14:05.880 --> 0:14:09.480 a book, by the way, her name is Aaron Falconer. Um. 0:14:09.480 --> 0:14:12.480 It's called How to Break Up with Your Friends, which, 0:14:12.520 --> 0:14:16.960 again interesting timing, but I will let's take a break 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:31.880 and then we'll get her on. Hi. Hi, Hi, Oh 0:14:31.920 --> 0:14:35.440 my gosh, you're so like good energy, good like maybe 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:38.280 it's the yellow but like you just look happy. Oh. 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:40.360 Thanks I didn't know if this was too bright for today. 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:42.000 But also I'm a little tired, so I was like, 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:44.960 it's like when we put on red lipstick when we 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:47.320 have no makeup on or haven't showered. But it's like, ye, 0:14:49.040 --> 0:14:51.080 do I do a pop of bread or the yellow? 0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:53.800 I couldn't do both, so that that is true. You 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:57.600 have to It's like pick one or the other. Um, no, 0:14:57.760 --> 0:15:00.160 you look great. It's so funny because I feel like 0:15:00.200 --> 0:15:03.840 this is such like um god timing with things like 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:07.360 having you on because I just went through something that 0:15:07.520 --> 0:15:10.320 actually I told Ian aboutlast night. I started crying and 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:13.000 because I was just like talking about it. But it 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:14.880 was about breaking up with a friend, and so when 0:15:14.880 --> 0:15:16.880 I looked at the rundown, I was like, you guys, 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:20.320 I was like, this is like insane. But now you're 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:24.600 on the podcast, so very good. You manifested the answers 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:27.600 to your problems. I did, um, and what we've kind 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:29.200 of talked about, like we've just I don't know, it 0:15:29.280 --> 0:15:31.880 almost feels like when we get older, it's like we 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:35.520 have like I don't know, when I was younger, I 0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:37.880 just kind of kept friends around even when they were 0:15:37.880 --> 0:15:40.480 like not good right, right, But it's like as you 0:15:40.520 --> 0:15:42.200 get older, it almost feels like it's like I don't 0:15:42.200 --> 0:15:45.040 have time for this, or it's not serving me, or 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:48.560 it's you know whatever. Yeah, well, I mean I think 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:51.520 the thing is is like the big problem is that 0:15:51.640 --> 0:15:54.680 we the reason we keep friends around a lot longer 0:15:54.760 --> 0:15:57.560 than we should. Well Number one is we don't really 0:15:57.560 --> 0:15:59.840 think of this group of relationships in the way with 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:03.840 think of like romantic partnerships or family relationships, which you 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:07.680 know they require work and you know they're hard, but 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:10.120 they're great. We just think of friendships is something that 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:13.080 is like a category of relationships that are like nice 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:15.200 to have and kind of should give, give, give, and 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:17.640 if they're not, we just kind of like look the 0:16:17.680 --> 0:16:22.040 other way. Um, but that's a real missed opportunity, because 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:26.840 any relationship worth anything is worth the work and and 0:16:27.000 --> 0:16:30.040 the assessment, and just like taking inventory and stock of 0:16:30.080 --> 0:16:34.320 the people in your life is is really helpful because 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:36.320 we've got all of these energies in our worlds that 0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:39.800 we're not necessarily paying attention to, but they're either draining 0:16:39.880 --> 0:16:42.360 or giving energy, and so you want to like take 0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:45.120 an audit of the people in your world and say 0:16:45.240 --> 0:16:48.520 what relationships are bringing the energy and what are either 0:16:48.960 --> 0:16:51.840 just like I'm numb too, or they're taking energy, and 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:55.600 then be kind of intentional about moving more people into 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:58.040 your world who are bringing energy and less that are 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:02.000 like no more new or taking. Do you have an 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:05.879 example that kind of inspired you to write this book. Yeah. 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:12.040 So I was sitting waiting for my friend um, who 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:14.239 on paper I would have said was one of my 0:17:14.280 --> 0:17:16.400 best friends in the world. You know, if somebody said, oh, 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:18.239 you know so and so, I'd be like, she's like 0:17:18.280 --> 0:17:22.200 my best friend. Uh. And I was sitting waiting for her, 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:25.320 and she she lives on the east side of Los Angeles. 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:28.159 I live on the west side, and so it's always 0:17:28.200 --> 0:17:31.400 like a huge kind of commute and to meet each other, 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:34.639 and without fail, she is like thirty minutes like every 0:17:34.640 --> 0:17:39.720 single time. And what I realized as I was sitting 0:17:39.800 --> 0:17:42.840 waiting for her for like the you know, twenty millionth time, 0:17:44.320 --> 0:17:48.000 was that I had built up all of these kind 0:17:48.040 --> 0:17:51.600 of like frustrations and irritations with her, and so over 0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:55.840 time this kind of chasm had grown between us where 0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:59.440 I realized that I was like, she she kept wanting 0:17:59.440 --> 0:18:01.760 to meet and you know, hang out, and I was 0:18:01.800 --> 0:18:04.359 like putting greater and greater distance between the times we 0:18:04.359 --> 0:18:08.760 were meeting and um and and I had this epiphany 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:12.600 when I was sitting there, and I was just like, I, 0:18:12.600 --> 0:18:14.720 I are we good friends. I don't even know for 0:18:14.840 --> 0:18:19.200 good friends anymore, Like we're kind of going through the motions. 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:21.800 But again, there's like such distance between each time we 0:18:21.840 --> 0:18:25.160 see each other. I'm irritated every time she shows up 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:28.480 late and then spends ten minutes, you know, telling me 0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:30.960 why she was late and didda, and like I don't 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:33.919 you know, I don't now have wasted more time. And 0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:36.320 so it was kind of out of that. But then 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:38.719 I was like, h okay, this is odd. And then 0:18:38.760 --> 0:18:41.320 I started looking at all of my friendships and the 0:18:41.400 --> 0:18:44.920 kind of biggest light bulb went off for me when 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:49.240 I was like, I've never done this before, and this 0:18:49.320 --> 0:18:51.639 is weird because we are a culture that is obsessed 0:18:51.720 --> 0:18:55.920 with information, right, Like we know every calorie we're eating, 0:18:56.080 --> 0:18:59.720 every grandma fat, grandma protein. We wear watches to tell 0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:03.520 us every step we're taking, like need to track, you know, 0:19:03.640 --> 0:19:07.520 midnight steps to the bathroom to take a pee, Like 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:10.200 don't want to miss a step. Marie Condo has taught 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:12.119 us to like hold up a chair or a sweater 0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:14.439 and say does this bring me joy? And yet the 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:17.320 people in our lives, like the people you know, like 0:19:17.359 --> 0:19:23.159 the most important thing, um, just never really considered like 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:27.000 they're kind of they're a lot of them legacy friendships. 0:19:27.040 --> 0:19:30.040 And it's like obviously people that are involved interested in 0:19:30.119 --> 0:19:34.280 self growth or you know, evolving, you're going to change 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:36.600 over time. And so the idea that you wouldn't check 0:19:36.640 --> 0:19:38.840 in and see where the other those relations if those 0:19:38.840 --> 0:19:42.800 relationships have evolved with you or not, is is a 0:19:42.840 --> 0:19:45.359 really missed opportunity, right because a lot of times not 0:19:45.400 --> 0:19:48.479 even if somebody's gone in uh, it's not necessarily a 0:19:48.560 --> 0:19:50.800 bad direction and you're going in a good direction. They're 0:19:50.840 --> 0:19:54.040 just different directions, right, um. And so you need to 0:19:54.080 --> 0:19:57.680 be checking in and saying, hm hmm, you know, does 0:19:57.720 --> 0:19:59.480 this still serve me in this relationship? And do I 0:19:59.560 --> 0:20:04.080 still of it? And um, you know, oftentimes the answer 0:20:04.119 --> 0:20:08.199 that question is not really you know. And so the 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:10.760 book is not necessarily about going through your contact list 0:20:10.800 --> 0:20:16.280 with a machete and just cutting people out of your life. Yeah, yeah, 0:20:16.320 --> 0:20:20.720 exactly so, but it is about having like an awareness 0:20:20.760 --> 0:20:24.119 and a sense of the energy is really operating in 0:20:24.160 --> 0:20:27.000 your world, and I think we need that more now 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:29.520 than ever. And if we're really intentional with this group 0:20:30.560 --> 0:20:34.960 of people, your friends, I think you create a really 0:20:35.000 --> 0:20:39.320 amazing um support system. You have the opportunity to really 0:20:39.359 --> 0:20:43.840 feel seen, to really take foster positive energy that then 0:20:43.880 --> 0:20:45.440 you take out into the rest of your world and 0:20:45.480 --> 0:20:47.520 the rest of your relationships. And I think there's like 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:50.400 an amazing kind of domino effect. But right now we're 0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:53.320 just kind of dialing things in unless some major problem 0:20:53.400 --> 0:20:57.520 comes up, and then often it's too late. M hm. 0:20:58.680 --> 0:21:01.960 The legacy friendship isn't interesting because I was talking with 0:21:01.960 --> 0:21:04.080 her friend the other day at the nail salon and 0:21:04.119 --> 0:21:07.320 she was like, she basically went on a vacation with 0:21:07.400 --> 0:21:10.159 someone that she has always said her entire life was 0:21:10.280 --> 0:21:12.119 my best friend. You know, She's like, it was just 0:21:12.200 --> 0:21:16.600 we have such a past legacy friendship. But she's like 0:21:16.880 --> 0:21:20.280 she's like I almost sat there and was like, would 0:21:20.280 --> 0:21:22.120 I be friends with this person today if I met 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:25.639 them today? And it's just so interesting, and you know, 0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:28.280 I I, you know, we all have like those friends 0:21:28.280 --> 0:21:31.639 from our past and because we have grown and evolve 0:21:31.720 --> 0:21:33.000 so much when you're not around them, and then you 0:21:33.080 --> 0:21:34.800 get back together with them. It is that kind of 0:21:34.800 --> 0:21:39.720 like would would I want to hang out with you today? Right? Yeah? 0:21:40.040 --> 0:21:41.760 But it's like, but I've always called you my best friends, 0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:44.440 so I guess you're my best friend, you know. And 0:21:44.760 --> 0:21:48.040 what I always say is like length of time of 0:21:48.080 --> 0:21:50.879 a relationship is not a strong enough motivation to stay 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:54.720 in it. Um. You know, it's great. And if you 0:21:54.880 --> 0:21:57.480 some of those legacy friendships, if you're in contact with them, 0:21:57.480 --> 0:21:59.800 if you are on the same page, even if you're 0:21:59.800 --> 0:22:02.680 not seeing them all the time, but when you do connect, 0:22:02.680 --> 0:22:04.280 it brings up a great sense of a step in 0:22:04.320 --> 0:22:09.199 nostalgia or joy or you know whatever, then great. You know. 0:22:09.280 --> 0:22:11.280 It's not that you necessarily have to see these people all, 0:22:11.359 --> 0:22:13.840 you know, all the time. But if you if you 0:22:13.880 --> 0:22:18.439 are in a situation where you're like, uh, like I 0:22:18.480 --> 0:22:22.439 don't see any common ground here or um, it's just 0:22:22.520 --> 0:22:27.919 we're in two different spaces to really connect, then you 0:22:27.960 --> 0:22:30.320 know there's something to talk about. And look, there's a 0:22:30.600 --> 0:22:33.120 there's a natural There can be a natural kind of 0:22:33.160 --> 0:22:36.639 like you just kind of drift apart, and that's fine, 0:22:36.800 --> 0:22:39.400 you know, because the expectation or the understanding is kind 0:22:39.440 --> 0:22:41.600 of unspoken, but it is the same you are on 0:22:41.800 --> 0:22:44.239 kind of the same it's subconscious, but you're kind of 0:22:44.280 --> 0:22:47.560 just drifting in different directions. The problem is, I think 0:22:47.560 --> 0:22:51.920 we all have, um, you know, the these friendships that 0:22:52.560 --> 0:22:54.800 there may be from a different place in space and time, 0:22:55.480 --> 0:22:58.480 and you would be happy to let something drift out, 0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:01.120 but they keep trying to age you. And that's where 0:23:01.119 --> 0:23:03.520 the expectation or you know, hang out or you know, 0:23:03.560 --> 0:23:06.200 talk on the phone, and you're like putting them off 0:23:06.359 --> 0:23:09.600 or or feeling irritated by the request, and so they're 0:23:09.960 --> 0:23:12.560 the expectation isn't the same. And that's when I think 0:23:12.600 --> 0:23:15.200 you kind of have to do something about it. Because 0:23:16.680 --> 0:23:21.199 often those relationships were really good, really formative, really you know, 0:23:21.280 --> 0:23:23.840 and really speak to a specific time of who you were, 0:23:24.000 --> 0:23:26.239 and that's a great memory. But if we let it 0:23:26.320 --> 0:23:29.640 drag out, um, and then again we have these built 0:23:29.680 --> 0:23:32.280 up kind of resentiments or irritations were guilt because we're 0:23:32.280 --> 0:23:34.800 not wanting to hang out with that person. That becomes 0:23:34.840 --> 0:23:38.440 the dominating memory, you know, and the dominating tech away 0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:42.719 from the relationship, dominating kind of emotion as opposed to 0:23:42.800 --> 0:23:46.480 like it's you know, if you if you kind of 0:23:46.720 --> 0:23:50.200 ended or separate consciously from this person, then the good 0:23:50.240 --> 0:23:52.560 memory is still and the good emotions are still the 0:23:52.600 --> 0:23:55.520 dominating kind of force in your world, and that's what 0:23:55.640 --> 0:23:59.720 you that's where you want to be. M h. I'm curious, Cat, 0:24:00.359 --> 0:24:04.640 because you had spoken about your kind of um friendship 0:24:04.680 --> 0:24:08.159 that is m hm do you does you? Does it? Like? 0:24:08.240 --> 0:24:10.080 Where are you on it? Like is it something where 0:24:10.119 --> 0:24:11.720 it's like you want to reach out again? Is it 0:24:11.840 --> 0:24:13.840 something where it's like you want to fix the relationship 0:24:13.880 --> 0:24:16.399 because it has it was a it was like a 0:24:16.480 --> 0:24:19.359 legacy friendship for sure. It's hard because there was a 0:24:19.359 --> 0:24:21.440 little bit of a natural Like you said, there was 0:24:21.520 --> 0:24:24.000 kind of the natural um you know, we'd see each 0:24:24.000 --> 0:24:27.320 other every couple of months or whatever. But then there 0:24:27.400 --> 0:24:30.239 was like one thing that did happen, and so, like 0:24:30.280 --> 0:24:32.879 you said, that's our memory at this point. Our memory 0:24:33.080 --> 0:24:36.359 is that I got upset about something to me, she 0:24:36.400 --> 0:24:38.560 didn't respond well, and it just kind of then no 0:24:38.600 --> 0:24:40.840 one ever, like we're not speaking to each other now. 0:24:40.960 --> 0:24:45.000 So it's kind of like I wish it could have 0:24:45.320 --> 0:24:47.439 I wish we could have handled it before then, I 0:24:47.480 --> 0:24:50.560 guess um, because at that point then the bond isn't 0:24:50.600 --> 0:24:53.439 strong enough to to probably even do the work to 0:24:53.720 --> 0:24:56.080 resolve this thing because of what are you resolving back 0:24:56.119 --> 0:24:57.800 to a place where you kind of want to drift 0:24:57.800 --> 0:25:01.439 away anyways. Yeah, there's a lot of resolved energy around that, 0:25:01.520 --> 0:25:05.000 you know, a lot of unresolved feelings, right, and it's hard. 0:25:05.760 --> 0:25:08.240 It's hard when you do grow up, and it's like, 0:25:08.840 --> 0:25:11.959 you know, in this relationship, I feel like in a 0:25:11.960 --> 0:25:14.080 lot of relationships, not just this one. I feel like, 0:25:14.160 --> 0:25:16.239 sometimes I know what I need to do to make 0:25:16.280 --> 0:25:18.040 it better, whether it was my fault or not. I'll 0:25:18.040 --> 0:25:20.480 say I'm sorry. But now it's like I've gotten to 0:25:20.520 --> 0:25:22.480 an age where I'm like, I don't want to just 0:25:22.520 --> 0:25:26.639 go say I'm sorry. I want her to say I'm sorry, 0:25:26.880 --> 0:25:29.600 you know. So I think I'm just at a point 0:25:29.640 --> 0:25:31.560 where I'm just like, you know, it doesn't really serve 0:25:31.720 --> 0:25:33.920 and it may not serve her either, you know. I 0:25:33.960 --> 0:25:37.360 mean that's fine. That's the thing. We we create these 0:25:37.440 --> 0:25:39.719 narratives in our head, like if something's not serving us, 0:25:39.760 --> 0:25:42.879 and instead of doing something about it, like oh, I 0:25:42.920 --> 0:25:45.160 can't do this, it'll be too upsetting. She was going 0:25:45.200 --> 0:25:47.200 through something in her life, you know, it's better maybe 0:25:47.200 --> 0:25:49.439 not to say something. We can just drift apart dada, 0:25:49.680 --> 0:25:52.399 but who knows that it just falls narratives you're creating. 0:25:52.480 --> 0:25:55.120 She On the other flip side of that, there also 0:25:55.160 --> 0:25:57.040 could be a sense of relief that this is over, 0:25:57.400 --> 0:25:59.080 you know what I mean, or that you're going in 0:25:59.119 --> 0:26:02.080 different directions. So I think the assumptions we make are 0:26:02.119 --> 0:26:04.320 kind of like fear based because we actually don't want 0:26:04.320 --> 0:26:07.280 to take the action. And when I was like writing, 0:26:08.240 --> 0:26:10.879 when I was like starting to think about this idea 0:26:10.960 --> 0:26:14.800 for the book, something, I'm a therapist, and something really 0:26:14.880 --> 0:26:16.960 dawned on me that you know, in the world of 0:26:17.040 --> 0:26:20.880 kind of classic therapy, there's individual therapy, there's couple therapy, 0:26:21.000 --> 0:26:24.119 there's family therapy, but there's no such thing really as 0:26:24.200 --> 0:26:28.880 friendship therapy. And I'm not suggesting friend couples run out 0:26:28.880 --> 0:26:31.240 and go see therapy, but what that means to me 0:26:31.400 --> 0:26:34.719 is that out there in the zeitgeist, there is no 0:26:34.840 --> 0:26:38.600 kind of acceptable, agreed upon language for navigating conflict in 0:26:38.600 --> 0:26:41.399 these relationships. There's no blueprint how to get into new ones, 0:26:41.440 --> 0:26:44.360 how to get out of old ones, and and so 0:26:44.440 --> 0:26:46.879 as a result of that, we often do nothing because 0:26:46.880 --> 0:26:49.080 we just don't have the practice or the language. And 0:26:49.119 --> 0:26:53.600 it feels almost overtly dramatic to end something when there's 0:26:53.640 --> 0:26:56.440 not a big drama to end it right there feels like, oh, 0:26:56.480 --> 0:27:01.119 that's because nobody ever does that. And and so I 0:27:01.160 --> 0:27:03.720 think it's important to have these conversations about like even 0:27:03.760 --> 0:27:07.639 though it feels awkward up front, um and and it's funny. 0:27:07.680 --> 0:27:10.120 And one part of the book, I literally have conversation 0:27:10.200 --> 0:27:13.760 starters based on like different scenarios. And as I was writing, 0:27:13.800 --> 0:27:15.240 and I was like, oh my god, this is this 0:27:15.280 --> 0:27:18.680 almost feels ridiculous. And then I but when I thought 0:27:18.680 --> 0:27:21.160 about it, I was like, it's not though, because nobody 0:27:21.240 --> 0:27:23.560 ever says these things. And it's like the starting of 0:27:23.600 --> 0:27:25.919 the conversation that's the hardest. Once you get into it, 0:27:25.960 --> 0:27:28.840 then you whatever your personal situation just kind of comes 0:27:28.920 --> 0:27:32.080 letting out. But it's like, and why is this so hard? 0:27:32.119 --> 0:27:35.240 Because there's no blueprint of how to do this in 0:27:35.400 --> 0:27:38.200 these this category of relationships. And I think that's why 0:27:38.200 --> 0:27:43.360 it's challenging. And I also think, you know, there's there's 0:27:43.400 --> 0:27:45.640 so there's one chapter. There's ten chapters in the book. 0:27:45.640 --> 0:27:47.359 There's one on how to break up with your friends. 0:27:47.400 --> 0:27:51.080 There's nine on the importance of really fostering great connection 0:27:51.119 --> 0:27:54.120 in these relationships and how to do how to do 0:27:54.160 --> 0:27:56.880 that and how to be better even in your relationships 0:27:56.880 --> 0:28:01.639 that are you feel warmly about. And um, so I 0:28:01.640 --> 0:28:05.560 think that's also the important part because for example, one 0:28:05.600 --> 0:28:07.960 of the one of the things we need to work 0:28:08.000 --> 0:28:11.199 on is self advocating. And so it's like, just like 0:28:11.240 --> 0:28:14.760 what you were saying about the apology, the feeling confident 0:28:14.920 --> 0:28:20.760 or feeling like it's fine and um, all right to say, hey, listen, 0:28:21.440 --> 0:28:23.680 I'm not going to apologize for something. I'm the first 0:28:23.680 --> 0:28:26.320 person to apologize for something when I'm wrong, and I 0:28:26.359 --> 0:28:28.960 reflect on these things and I honestly trying to assess 0:28:28.960 --> 0:28:30.840 what I'm wrong. But I've just got to be clear 0:28:30.840 --> 0:28:33.479 with you I'm not I'm not going to apologize when 0:28:33.560 --> 0:28:36.040 it's not when I don't feel it fault. And it's necessary. 0:28:36.040 --> 0:28:38.640 It's a requirement of this friendship for you to take 0:28:38.640 --> 0:28:42.600 ownership on what I consider your bad behavior if we're 0:28:42.640 --> 0:28:45.120 going to move forward together. This is just a requirement 0:28:45.240 --> 0:28:49.000 of what any relationship takes the needs. Right, So the 0:28:49.080 --> 0:28:52.480 practicing of advocating for yourself and operating from a place 0:28:52.560 --> 0:28:56.160 of truth within these relationships, I think is so key 0:28:56.160 --> 0:29:00.360 to number one. Just you know, fostering like really important 0:29:00.400 --> 0:29:03.320 strong friendships, and number two so that you don't get 0:29:03.360 --> 0:29:06.640 to a place where you need to break up right 0:29:07.200 --> 0:29:11.880 literally like couples therapy. Like it's like literally is you know? 0:29:11.960 --> 0:29:15.600 I was being It's funny. I was being interviewed by 0:29:15.720 --> 0:29:20.240 um Maria Manonos the other day love her literally the 0:29:20.280 --> 0:29:25.760 absolute best, and she she's kind of the interview was 0:29:25.760 --> 0:29:28.360 winding out and she's like, Okay, Aaron, Aaron, I have 0:29:28.880 --> 0:29:32.800 a really good friend. And she's like, over the past 0:29:32.880 --> 0:29:37.080 two years, we've made plans like ten times, concrete plants 0:29:37.080 --> 0:29:43.320 like date time, the whole you know, location, the whole thing. Excitedly, Um, 0:29:43.400 --> 0:29:45.560 both of us were engaged in sending up these plants, 0:29:45.560 --> 0:29:47.840 and the last ten times, either the night before or 0:29:47.880 --> 0:29:51.040 the morning of, the friend is send a text counseling 0:29:51.560 --> 0:29:53.280 and she's like, look, look she holds up her phone. 0:29:53.320 --> 0:29:55.480 I kind of go oh, yeah, huh, and she's like, 0:29:55.560 --> 0:29:58.160 what do I do with this friend? And I'm like, Maria, 0:29:58.240 --> 0:30:01.440 I've got news for you. You're not in a friendship 0:30:01.440 --> 0:30:04.040 with this person. You're in some kind of weird relationship, 0:30:04.160 --> 0:30:05.880 but this is not a friend. This person is not 0:30:05.920 --> 0:30:09.360 committed to this relationship. She's canceling ten ten times in 0:30:09.600 --> 0:30:11.360 I said, let me, let let's look at another way. 0:30:11.600 --> 0:30:13.640 If this was a guy you were dating and he 0:30:13.760 --> 0:30:16.800 and she does, he'd be done after the second one, 0:30:17.000 --> 0:30:20.120 probably the first one. And I was like, exactly, because 0:30:20.120 --> 0:30:24.680 we understand collectively societially, we understand what we will take 0:30:24.720 --> 0:30:27.320 what we won't in these relationships. And yet, for friends, uncle, 0:30:27.400 --> 0:30:29.520 how many times we're going to let this go on 0:30:30.080 --> 0:30:33.120 the twenty? What's the number that you would be like? 0:30:33.520 --> 0:30:36.360 And it's not about Marie, it's about up. It's about everybody, 0:30:36.440 --> 0:30:38.640 because we just don't have these expectations. I mean, at 0:30:38.640 --> 0:30:40.400 a certain point it would get ridiculous. And she called 0:30:40.400 --> 0:30:44.280 it friend up. But why take it to that. It 0:30:44.280 --> 0:30:46.080 doesn't need to go to ten times, you know what 0:30:46.120 --> 0:30:48.000 I mean? If you can just kind of say what 0:30:48.040 --> 0:30:50.560 we mean and okay, this is you've canceled three times? 0:30:50.560 --> 0:30:52.560 What's up? Is there a problem? I don't know about 0:30:52.640 --> 0:30:56.040 what's going on? Is that you know whatever? But just 0:30:56.120 --> 0:30:58.720 like addressing things as they come up. I think it's 0:30:58.760 --> 0:31:00.440 really important, but we're just not in the habit of 0:31:00.480 --> 0:31:04.840 doing that in these relationships. Yeah. Um, it's kind of 0:31:04.880 --> 0:31:06.680 like what I did with Sarah. Remember how like I 0:31:06.680 --> 0:31:08.240 felt like I was always inviting her and I was like, 0:31:08.280 --> 0:31:10.800 I feel like I'm the only one like and it's 0:31:10.840 --> 0:31:13.280 like you're always saying no. So it's like I want 0:31:13.280 --> 0:31:14.720 to keep asking, but at the same time, and then 0:31:14.920 --> 0:31:16.600 then it's like then you have a conversation. It's like 0:31:16.640 --> 0:31:19.440 then you can hear what they're going through, and that's 0:31:19.480 --> 0:31:23.960 a lot or communication. Yeah, communication is yeah, key, yeah. 0:31:24.000 --> 0:31:26.320 And the same thing with like my legacy friend. You know, 0:31:26.520 --> 0:31:29.240 I was just like when we don't I know, we 0:31:29.240 --> 0:31:30.640 don't see each other a lot, No, we don't talk 0:31:30.680 --> 0:31:33.520 a lot, but like when there's no communication and I 0:31:33.520 --> 0:31:35.120 don't know what's going on, I'm like, I don't, like 0:31:35.360 --> 0:31:38.120 I've never liked just surface level friendships. So it's like 0:31:38.840 --> 0:31:41.040 and then you know, you find out that her mom 0:31:41.120 --> 0:31:43.040 was really sick or and so so it's like, okay, 0:31:43.120 --> 0:31:45.120 like I'm like, but like, let me in if we're 0:31:45.160 --> 0:31:49.520 still like doing this, but I think my ad no, No. 0:31:49.640 --> 0:31:52.120 It just leaves you guessing, and then you're you're creating 0:31:52.160 --> 0:31:54.680 a story of what could be happening and why. You know, 0:31:55.000 --> 0:31:58.880 we're taking it personally because it feels deeply personal. Somebody's 0:31:58.880 --> 0:32:01.320 not responding to But a lot of times, you know, 0:32:01.560 --> 0:32:04.240 it's not like using your example of you know, her 0:32:04.280 --> 0:32:07.400 mother is sick, she's tending. You know, it's obviously a 0:32:07.440 --> 0:32:11.400 situation of great gravity and stress for her. Um, but 0:32:11.600 --> 0:32:14.479 you can see how they're not communicating all of a sudden. 0:32:14.720 --> 0:32:29.520 Now that's a problem. So I'm probably about to sound 0:32:29.600 --> 0:32:34.360 like a hypocrite here, but I'll explain more why I 0:32:34.360 --> 0:32:38.360 feel that way. But when someone breaks up with a 0:32:38.440 --> 0:32:40.600 friend but yet they're still friends, the other friends still 0:32:40.600 --> 0:32:45.320 friends with a friend, right, So like like if there's 0:32:45.320 --> 0:32:47.680 three of you, Well, so I'll just I'm gonna do 0:32:47.680 --> 0:32:49.440 like two different examples and then you can get to 0:32:49.440 --> 0:32:54.520 where I'm like the hypocrite part. So I'm calling myself out. Um, 0:32:54.560 --> 0:32:59.240 So I was friends with her friend that she has now, UM, 0:32:59.280 --> 0:33:03.840 I guess essentially broken up with right now through her 0:33:04.160 --> 0:33:09.479 So like I met her through her, right, Um, I 0:33:09.520 --> 0:33:12.080 don't and I know I I know she's going through 0:33:12.120 --> 0:33:15.000 some like life changes right now. So I've and we've 0:33:15.280 --> 0:33:18.200 kind of on the same life changes and so, um 0:33:18.240 --> 0:33:20.320 I've met up with her a few times, like to 0:33:20.720 --> 0:33:23.960 kind of touch base and whatever. But I asked her 0:33:24.080 --> 0:33:28.840 if it was okay, um, but like moving forward, like 0:33:28.960 --> 0:33:32.360 what does that look like for because on the flip side, 0:33:32.600 --> 0:33:34.920 I just got really upset about a friend that was 0:33:34.960 --> 0:33:37.320 hanging out with my ex husband and didn't tell me, 0:33:38.160 --> 0:33:40.920 and when I went to my therapist, and I will 0:33:40.960 --> 0:33:43.680 say that was not what actually made me the most upset, 0:33:43.800 --> 0:33:47.040 but it was still like I would have loved to 0:33:47.160 --> 0:33:51.800 have found out from you and not from somebody else 0:33:52.080 --> 0:33:54.640 telling me, and that felt and I was like and 0:33:54.680 --> 0:33:56.600 then I told my therapist and I was like why, 0:33:56.720 --> 0:33:58.800 Like why do I care? Like who, okay whatever he's 0:33:58.840 --> 0:34:00.959 hanging out with. But I'm like, it bothers me, Like 0:34:01.000 --> 0:34:04.000 it just bothers me, and she goes Unfortunately, She's like 0:34:04.040 --> 0:34:07.000 in those situations like you do have to pick a 0:34:07.040 --> 0:34:11.320 side mm hmm, especially with how me and my accentded 0:34:11.520 --> 0:34:15.279 and like it's not kosher in certain areas and like, 0:34:15.400 --> 0:34:19.440 you know it's But then I'm like my hypocrite for them, 0:34:19.480 --> 0:34:21.560 like hanging out with a friend of you know every 0:34:21.560 --> 0:34:25.520 once in a while, like to check in. Well, even 0:34:25.520 --> 0:34:27.960 though on the surface they sound like similar situations, I 0:34:27.960 --> 0:34:30.600 think they are actually pretty different because of the romantic 0:34:30.640 --> 0:34:34.960 element and because not that your friend is hanging out 0:34:34.960 --> 0:34:37.719 with your ex romantically, but it is a much more 0:34:37.880 --> 0:34:43.600 complicated situation. Um, it sounds like. Um also the fact 0:34:43.640 --> 0:34:46.440 of that, that's the fact that you weren't told about it, 0:34:46.600 --> 0:34:51.880 So there seems like just innately, there's something to hide 0:34:51.960 --> 0:34:54.520 or something. And I'm not saying romantically, I'm just saying 0:34:54.520 --> 0:34:57.439 it's it's her, it's her husband. But they they're hanging 0:34:57.440 --> 0:35:00.680 out as like a group or whatever. But still like Nick, 0:35:02.120 --> 0:35:06.080 her husband and my they would never and if even 0:35:06.120 --> 0:35:08.520 if we were all kosher, me and Max, like, I 0:35:08.560 --> 0:35:11.439 still think there'd be a conversation beforehand, like hey, like 0:35:12.000 --> 0:35:16.200 out of respect, yeah, exactly, But even then, I don't 0:35:16.239 --> 0:35:20.440 think did you share? Did did you tell your friend 0:35:20.840 --> 0:35:24.680 that that? Yes? So I was like, is this true 0:35:24.719 --> 0:35:27.320 that this is happening, And they're like, yeah, we hang out, 0:35:27.719 --> 0:35:31.399 um whatever friends with some other people and you know, yes, 0:35:31.640 --> 0:35:35.399 And and I said, it really hurts my feelings that 0:35:35.440 --> 0:35:38.640 you didn't you know, discuss this blah blah bla or 0:35:38.760 --> 0:35:41.719 talk to me about it, and it out of the 0:35:41.880 --> 0:35:44.879 entire conversation what hurt me the most. And like I've 0:35:45.520 --> 0:35:48.759 I started immediately crying to crying to my therapist about it. 0:35:48.800 --> 0:35:51.239 And then crying to my boyfriend last night. But she goes, 0:35:51.360 --> 0:35:54.239 I hope she was coming from a divorced family. I 0:35:54.280 --> 0:35:57.120 hope that you can you and your ex can reconcile. 0:35:58.160 --> 0:36:01.000 And in my mind, I'm like, no friend of mine 0:36:01.040 --> 0:36:04.200 would ever want me. It was it felt like a 0:36:04.239 --> 0:36:07.600 slap in the face, like you sat on my floor 0:36:08.440 --> 0:36:13.080 taking out pictures of our life together, me and my ex, 0:36:13.520 --> 0:36:15.680 while I told you some of the worst things ever, 0:36:16.680 --> 0:36:19.239 and yet you would want me to reconcile with a 0:36:19.320 --> 0:36:21.279 man that did all those It just felt like a 0:36:21.320 --> 0:36:25.160 slap in the face, not sing or like they didn't 0:36:25.160 --> 0:36:27.759 believe my story or just you know it didn't believe it. 0:36:27.880 --> 0:36:30.520 And so I was just like I'm done. I was like, 0:36:30.520 --> 0:36:33.880 there's no conversation needed, like and I because I'm like, 0:36:33.920 --> 0:36:37.040 I literally Pamelan. When I was telling you my best 0:36:37.040 --> 0:36:39.600 friend this, she was like, I'm gonna be honest with you. 0:36:39.680 --> 0:36:41.120 She's like, I would I couldn't be your friend if 0:36:41.160 --> 0:36:42.640 you got back with your ex, And I go, that 0:36:42.800 --> 0:36:46.359 is more of a friend then what that friend just said. 0:36:46.920 --> 0:36:49.160 You know, and Catherine wouldn't work with me, you know. 0:36:49.200 --> 0:36:52.840 It's like, I mean, I don't that exactly she's like, 0:36:52.840 --> 0:36:55.120 if you don't get divorced, I'm not going to work 0:36:55.160 --> 0:36:57.200 with you. And it's like, to me, that is more 0:36:57.239 --> 0:37:00.560 of a friend than like whatever it's but it was 0:37:00.600 --> 0:37:02.279 just like and so I said my piece, and I said, 0:37:02.320 --> 0:37:06.080 I don't need a response back. I'm like, it's just 0:37:06.239 --> 0:37:10.279 it hurt really bad. But now I'm I have like 0:37:10.320 --> 0:37:12.680 a million questions in that. But I think the question 0:37:12.719 --> 0:37:15.400 on the side is like, how do you walk away 0:37:15.400 --> 0:37:17.760 from the decision, like feeling really confident in your decision 0:37:19.360 --> 0:37:22.799 because we have friends there, She's friends with her, My 0:37:22.840 --> 0:37:25.399 other queendom is friends with her, you know. So it's 0:37:25.400 --> 0:37:29.680 like it's a very tricky, moving forward situation. So give 0:37:29.719 --> 0:37:31.920 it to me. Well, well, I mean I think in 0:37:31.960 --> 0:37:35.360 this case, number one, it sounds, you know, we we 0:37:35.400 --> 0:37:37.520 could probably have a much longer conversation about this, But 0:37:37.600 --> 0:37:40.000 it sounds to me that number one, this person does 0:37:40.000 --> 0:37:42.960 not see who you who you are at all, and 0:37:43.080 --> 0:37:46.319 she's choosing a narrative that serves her needs, which is 0:37:46.400 --> 0:37:51.000 she needs to feel good about what she's doing. And 0:37:51.000 --> 0:37:54.560 and it's very obviously difficult to come up with a reason, 0:37:54.760 --> 0:37:58.439 you know, something reasonable how she's behaving. So she's put 0:37:58.480 --> 0:38:02.120 it back on you to you. Wouldn't it be convenient 0:38:02.200 --> 0:38:04.520 for her if you two would reconcile, right, And so 0:38:04.600 --> 0:38:06.640 this is her her her thing. You are not in 0:38:06.719 --> 0:38:11.760 this equation at all, right, as far as she's concerned. Um, 0:38:11.840 --> 0:38:14.520 And so I think the thing you need to really 0:38:14.560 --> 0:38:20.040 pay attention to is just your gut reaction, your gut response, 0:38:20.280 --> 0:38:24.040 and and that's really tells you all that you need 0:38:24.080 --> 0:38:26.960 to know in terms of am I moving in the 0:38:27.040 --> 0:38:30.520 right direction? And based on everything that you've told me 0:38:30.600 --> 0:38:34.680 right now, this seems like every beat you took was 0:38:35.680 --> 0:38:38.200 the right one in the sense of you confronted her, 0:38:38.280 --> 0:38:41.880 you communicated your problem, why you are haven't we struggling 0:38:41.920 --> 0:38:45.839 with this? And then when her her reaction was way 0:38:45.840 --> 0:38:48.000 out of line and you decided to take action around 0:38:48.000 --> 0:38:49.919 and said, well, this is this is done for me 0:38:50.120 --> 0:38:55.200 because um, there's nothing here that helps. This relationship doesn't 0:38:55.800 --> 0:38:59.800 in no way conserve me. And so what do friends 0:38:59.800 --> 0:39:03.720 do then when other friends break up? Well, that's there 0:39:03.719 --> 0:39:07.160 that that's that then become when you take yourself add 0:39:07.160 --> 0:39:08.799 and this is hard to kind of this is hard, 0:39:08.880 --> 0:39:11.720 easier to say than to do. But when you extract 0:39:11.760 --> 0:39:14.839 yourself from a situation you extracted. The people that are 0:39:14.840 --> 0:39:17.120 still remaining in these situates, they need to figure out 0:39:17.120 --> 0:39:19.920 how to work around this. You've made a choice. They 0:39:19.960 --> 0:39:21.719 need to figure out how they're going to continue to 0:39:21.760 --> 0:39:25.000 operate with this person, what their own moral compasses around 0:39:25.000 --> 0:39:29.200 this person um and you know, if they are still aligned, 0:39:29.200 --> 0:39:31.080 and if they are and that's still a right choice 0:39:31.080 --> 0:39:32.879 for them, then that's something they need to handle. That's 0:39:32.880 --> 0:39:35.400 not your problem. You've made the action, and that's the 0:39:35.480 --> 0:39:38.120 choices that are right for you based on the way 0:39:38.160 --> 0:39:40.080 you feel. And it seems like a very clear vision 0:39:40.080 --> 0:39:42.600 of the person you want to be right now. Everything 0:39:42.640 --> 0:39:44.400 else that goes on between them and how they're going 0:39:44.440 --> 0:39:46.560 to operate and how they're going to operate then with 0:39:46.640 --> 0:39:49.239 you is a them thing. You need to try and 0:39:49.320 --> 0:39:52.360 problem solve for other people's relationships and how they're going 0:39:52.400 --> 0:39:56.600 to navigate right for you. Can be sensitively. You don't 0:39:56.600 --> 0:40:00.040 want to be like, so you hang out you that 0:40:00.200 --> 0:40:01.920 with that person? Did they say anything about me? Did 0:40:01.920 --> 0:40:04.719 they say you know? You don't. But you just need 0:40:04.760 --> 0:40:07.520 to be conscious of separating yourself from all kind of 0:40:08.400 --> 0:40:12.279 energetic attachments to this other person and have trust and 0:40:12.560 --> 0:40:15.080 confidence that the people that are still friends with her, 0:40:15.440 --> 0:40:18.120 are that that relationship is very strong with you, and 0:40:18.160 --> 0:40:20.160 they will have your back and they will operate in 0:40:20.200 --> 0:40:24.680 the best in the best manner that is respectful to you, 0:40:24.760 --> 0:40:28.880 while still maintaining a relationship that they hopefully, after consideration, 0:40:29.280 --> 0:40:31.720 still feels as valuable for them with this other person. 0:40:32.000 --> 0:40:35.120 But that's of them. You have done what you need 0:40:35.200 --> 0:40:38.640 to do. Let the chips fall where they may. Um, 0:40:38.680 --> 0:40:41.200 it's not so much like a pick sides kind of 0:40:41.680 --> 0:40:48.560 situation like you and your ex. Right, wait, well, I 0:40:48.600 --> 0:40:51.160 feel like you're kind of asking, like, as the other friends, 0:40:51.160 --> 0:40:54.360 should you pick sides? Like, so this other friend that 0:40:54.440 --> 0:40:58.840 she's having an issue with, should I pick sides? You know, 0:40:58.960 --> 0:41:03.799 because she's having issue and we're closer obviously, should I 0:41:03.840 --> 0:41:06.120 then not be friends with this other girl or her 0:41:06.239 --> 0:41:10.560 with my other friend? Right? So are you asking me 0:41:10.640 --> 0:41:12.960 if if you need to pick sides because you're still friend? Well, 0:41:13.000 --> 0:41:15.600 I think it's kind of the same situation essentially. I 0:41:15.600 --> 0:41:18.000 guess we're both kind of in the same boat. But yeah, right, 0:41:18.120 --> 0:41:24.320 well it well, it does seem less kind of um 0:41:25.440 --> 0:41:28.239 less emotional stakes with the friend. The first scenario you 0:41:28.280 --> 0:41:31.680 brought up with your friend because number one. You you 0:41:31.760 --> 0:41:34.680 asked if it was okay? Right? You said, So, that's 0:41:34.719 --> 0:41:37.640 that's what. You're just starting with a different energy. You're 0:41:37.640 --> 0:41:41.399 just coming from a different place of honesty, and so 0:41:42.200 --> 0:41:45.480 right off the bat, the dynamic is different. You are also, 0:41:45.800 --> 0:41:48.640 it sounds like checking in with this person who, as 0:41:48.640 --> 0:41:52.120 you said, had a similar life experience with you. It's 0:41:52.160 --> 0:41:54.120 not like you're deeply in mention in her world. It 0:41:54.160 --> 0:41:57.520 feels like a far more casual situation, like we would 0:41:57.560 --> 0:41:59.759 never play three handed you without you, I would never 0:41:59.800 --> 0:42:04.120 do well and kind of answer your which I said 0:42:04.160 --> 0:42:07.600 it was totally fine, obviously, but I won't lie that 0:42:08.800 --> 0:42:11.120 it's It is hard, and I think it will be 0:42:11.200 --> 0:42:15.600 hard for you at times with certain friends that are 0:42:15.600 --> 0:42:18.319 still friends with her, if you're seeing where they're hanging 0:42:18.320 --> 0:42:20.520 out or whatever. It's not an easy thing for people 0:42:20.560 --> 0:42:23.040 like us that I mean, our emotional people. I mean, 0:42:23.080 --> 0:42:26.600 it's not easy. But I have a harder time with 0:42:26.640 --> 0:42:31.120 it with like another mutual friend of ours h m hmm, 0:42:31.840 --> 0:42:34.480 with between me no no, no no, with that person 0:42:34.640 --> 0:42:37.560 and another mutual friend, it's harder for me knowing that 0:42:37.640 --> 0:42:40.760 person is closer to her because I don't fully trust 0:42:41.520 --> 0:42:45.920 what she's saying, I trust you, But that is almost 0:42:45.960 --> 0:42:48.640 harder because it's like that person hasn't reached out to 0:42:48.680 --> 0:42:52.200 me to see how I am. It's just so I 0:42:52.239 --> 0:42:54.960 know she has chosen aside, and so that friendship is 0:42:54.960 --> 0:42:58.719 probably going to go. It's very clear that she has 0:42:58.800 --> 0:43:00.719 chosen aside because I haven't heard from her. I know 0:43:00.800 --> 0:43:03.680 she's talked about it to other people, you know. I 0:43:03.719 --> 0:43:06.880 know that this friend is going through something through other people, 0:43:07.280 --> 0:43:11.240 you know. So again I think it's it can be hard, 0:43:11.760 --> 0:43:15.520 but and I think with your situation, you know, that's 0:43:15.520 --> 0:43:19.160 a hard one. I think again because how it ended, 0:43:19.200 --> 0:43:21.560 and like how like he lied to everybody. He lied 0:43:21.560 --> 0:43:23.839 to everybody on this podcast. He I mean, he lied 0:43:23.840 --> 0:43:25.960 to it. So it's like, which is why he hasn't 0:43:25.960 --> 0:43:28.640 reached out to your husband because they can read through 0:43:29.400 --> 0:43:32.640 the BS meter, you know. And so I'm like, you 0:43:32.680 --> 0:43:35.880 know what, fine, you want that? Like, you know, I'm 0:43:35.920 --> 0:43:37.319 not trying to like I don't want to not have 0:43:37.360 --> 0:43:40.879 any friends, but it just felt very like I guess 0:43:40.920 --> 0:43:44.239 it's icky with friendships and then divorce and the whole. Yeah, 0:43:44.520 --> 0:43:47.839 you can't see how very complicated the situation is. I mean, 0:43:47.920 --> 0:43:50.439 just getting a little snippet, a little snapshot of what's 0:43:50.480 --> 0:43:55.080 going on here. And here's the thing. The chance of 0:43:55.160 --> 0:43:58.520 controlling somebody else's behavior and controlling an outcome with somebody 0:43:58.600 --> 0:44:02.719 else's zero percent. The chance of controlling your own behavior. 0:44:04.719 --> 0:44:07.319 So where you're going to spend your time and energy right, 0:44:07.680 --> 0:44:11.040 All you can do is focus on you try and 0:44:11.080 --> 0:44:15.080 operate out of a place of truth, on authenticity, and 0:44:15.200 --> 0:44:18.560 operate from that place with confidence. And you really need 0:44:18.600 --> 0:44:23.360 to let I mean, I don't want to sound flip 0:44:23.360 --> 0:44:25.319 flippant when I say let the chips fall where they 0:44:25.320 --> 0:44:28.920 may is, but I really you have no influence on 0:44:28.960 --> 0:44:31.040 how these other people are going to interact. You've got 0:44:31.080 --> 0:44:33.799 no influence how your partner sitting right there is going 0:44:33.840 --> 0:44:36.000 to interact with this person. None. You can sit there 0:44:36.000 --> 0:44:38.600 and cry, you can get excited, you can get mad, 0:44:38.680 --> 0:44:39.920 but at the end of the day, you'll have no 0:44:40.120 --> 0:44:42.960 actual impact. The only thing that you can take confidence 0:44:43.000 --> 0:44:46.319 in is how you're orienting yourself in the world. And 0:44:46.360 --> 0:44:48.959 then and and so that's where you want to spend 0:44:48.960 --> 0:44:52.279 the time because that's where you've got the influence, you know, 0:44:52.400 --> 0:44:56.080 And I think that's so you're your instinct to end 0:44:56.120 --> 0:45:00.399 it with this other person who who you know, said 0:45:00.440 --> 0:45:02.840 a terrible thing and had it's a terrible idea and 0:45:02.880 --> 0:45:05.960 also is operating in a shady way. Is the exact 0:45:06.080 --> 0:45:08.800 right in this instant, is the exact right instinct because 0:45:08.800 --> 0:45:11.920 you've got zero chance of influence of changing this person 0:45:12.120 --> 0:45:14.719 right and it and it seems like she doesn't want 0:45:14.719 --> 0:45:17.799 to be changed her influence. So this is where you 0:45:17.840 --> 0:45:20.000 need to step away, because this is this person is 0:45:20.000 --> 0:45:22.440 not operating in the same the same wheel house that 0:45:22.560 --> 0:45:25.080 you are. The only thing you can do and it'll hurt, 0:45:25.280 --> 0:45:28.320 And I think that's okay. Yeah, And it's not like you. 0:45:28.440 --> 0:45:29.800 It's not like I don't want my ex t have 0:45:29.880 --> 0:45:32.120 friends like I want him, like I'm happy he's got 0:45:32.200 --> 0:45:34.240 friends and all that. It's just someone that I confided 0:45:34.280 --> 0:45:37.759 in some of the worst things possible. It would want 0:45:37.800 --> 0:45:39.960 us direct like that is just like I just felt 0:45:39.960 --> 0:45:42.360 like such a slap in the face. And also like 0:45:42.400 --> 0:45:44.280 I will say to like, we had talked about another 0:45:44.320 --> 0:45:48.080 friendship on here and um kind of around the same 0:45:48.280 --> 0:45:51.920 similar ish situation, and her friend had reached out to 0:45:51.920 --> 0:45:53.880 me saying, like, you know, I really would love for 0:45:53.920 --> 0:45:56.880 you guys to reconcile and I'm like I just at 0:45:56.920 --> 0:45:59.560 this point, like again like I'm I'm I don't want 0:45:59.600 --> 0:46:02.759 that kind of energy of a friend to have that 0:46:03.000 --> 0:46:05.640 um to be that way because I was. It's just 0:46:05.719 --> 0:46:07.920 it's just like I just don't. I just don't want it. 0:46:07.920 --> 0:46:10.960 It's like I don't I have enough, Like I've got 0:46:11.000 --> 0:46:14.239 my queendom five beautiful you know, best best friends like those, 0:46:14.600 --> 0:46:16.440 And there's a few people that touch that at that 0:46:16.520 --> 0:46:18.799 outer line that I, you know, stay in contact with. 0:46:19.000 --> 0:46:21.560 But it's like those are the ones that like I 0:46:21.600 --> 0:46:26.120 want to like put my time into and like love 0:46:26.320 --> 0:46:29.800 and be there for and you know, the other ones 0:46:29.840 --> 0:46:32.560 are just well, and I think it can be okay 0:46:32.600 --> 0:46:35.480 to not want it. It's like we're conditioned to like 0:46:35.600 --> 0:46:37.680 we're the bad guys because we may not want that 0:46:37.719 --> 0:46:41.600 friendship anymore. That's right, you know, totally. And that's and 0:46:41.680 --> 0:46:45.040 that's why what's so much of so much of the 0:46:45.080 --> 0:46:47.360 book is about is like, let's reflect, let's do an 0:46:47.400 --> 0:46:49.960 audict to how on how we're behaving in these relationships 0:46:50.000 --> 0:46:52.680 and how we're you know, and and then be able 0:46:52.719 --> 0:46:56.480 to communicate and not feel bad about making choices right 0:46:56.520 --> 0:46:58.879 we were were nothing more than the choices we make 0:46:58.920 --> 0:47:02.240 and we're not really at dely making choices in these relationships, 0:47:02.280 --> 0:47:05.880 in these in this type of relationship, and that's a problem. 0:47:05.880 --> 0:47:07.759 I mean, jet to just like talking to where you 0:47:07.800 --> 0:47:09.959 when you when you started and we were talking, you're 0:47:10.000 --> 0:47:12.319 talking like this, and then you just went into heres. 0:47:12.360 --> 0:47:15.600 The mic is going up like this, the energetically no, 0:47:15.680 --> 0:47:18.480 and I'm not I'm not calling out. There's a world 0:47:18.520 --> 0:47:21.239 of energy around these relationships that we're not kind of 0:47:21.560 --> 0:47:24.279 it's so hard for us to process. It's so confusing 0:47:24.480 --> 0:47:26.960 because we're not talking about it in a way that 0:47:27.040 --> 0:47:29.719 we would, you know, the other types of relationships in 0:47:29.719 --> 0:47:32.040 our lives. And that's why it's so important, so that 0:47:32.080 --> 0:47:36.439 we can like feeling hey, you know, like and and 0:47:36.440 --> 0:47:38.560 and say hey, I'm operating and this is what I 0:47:38.600 --> 0:47:41.239 need and this is what I'm gonna only accept and 0:47:41.320 --> 0:47:43.200 this is you. I'd love for you to come on 0:47:43.239 --> 0:47:45.600 the ride with me, but only if we agree on 0:47:45.760 --> 0:47:49.960 kind of boundaries and standards and and and we'll agree. 0:47:50.000 --> 0:47:52.839 If it's not we're not meeting these were out of here, 0:47:53.160 --> 0:47:55.960 I mean, you know, because we can't just be suffocated 0:47:56.040 --> 0:47:58.960 by like an inaction or a fear of action or 0:47:59.160 --> 0:48:01.719 having deep owns of friendship with no way to kind 0:48:01.760 --> 0:48:04.799 of like express them and take the energy out. And 0:48:04.840 --> 0:48:07.319 the flip side of that is if we do what 0:48:07.400 --> 0:48:12.600 an amazing source of energy and positivity and support, right 0:48:12.680 --> 0:48:14.839 if we can flip the script on this, And so 0:48:14.880 --> 0:48:17.719 that's why I think it's so important. I love that. Um, 0:48:17.760 --> 0:48:19.759 we'll tell our listeners. You can get your book right 0:48:19.760 --> 0:48:26.240 on Amazon. Yeah, yeah, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Indie Books, 0:48:26.239 --> 0:48:29.600 wherever you buy books. The book is available. And I 0:48:29.640 --> 0:48:33.239 am Aaron Falconer dot com or at Aaron Falconer or 0:48:33.280 --> 0:48:35.440 at Pick the Brain. Yeah. Well, thank you so much 0:48:35.480 --> 0:48:37.440 for coming on. I cannot wait to read your book 0:48:37.640 --> 0:48:41.440 than Amazon it right now. How to break up with 0:48:41.480 --> 0:48:44.840 a friend? Thank you, Aaron, Thank you? So all right 0:48:44.880 --> 0:48:48.600 by girl, Well that was insightful. That make you feel better? 0:48:49.000 --> 0:48:57.719 Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Oh you have 0:48:57.760 --> 0:49:02.239 therapy right now. Hey, hey, excited, it's been like I 0:49:02.280 --> 0:49:04.879 feel like it's been like a month, so not so much. 0:49:05.160 --> 0:49:08.279 Sorry Amy, but it hasn't. It's only been two weeks, 0:49:08.320 --> 0:49:12.759 so it's fine, Okay, go have fun. No, thanks, we 0:49:12.880 --> 0:49:17.680 can to be continued on the rest of it, because, um, 0:49:17.719 --> 0:49:22.160 I'm exhausted. From that, it was a lot. Yeah. Um, 0:49:22.160 --> 0:49:25.600 not exhausted in a bad way, just like I just 0:49:25.719 --> 0:49:28.000 if I if I sit too much in that like 0:49:28.040 --> 0:49:29.759 I feel I just need to like let it go. 0:49:32.719 --> 0:49:37.160 It's easy, al right, guys chuged you next week. Thank you,