Speaker 1: Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I heard radio podcast Katherine.
Speaker 1: I haven't seen you in so long. It's been like
Speaker 1: two weeks. I think it's been more than that. More.
Speaker 1: It feels like it's been forever. Crazy setting, man, Jet,
Speaker 1: you're all over the place. Yeah, we went it was
Speaker 1: Cancoon and then we went to at Los Angeles and
Speaker 1: then yeah back but I mean, you didn't do anything
Speaker 1: for spring break, did you know? So we were just
Speaker 1: here care like, nothing to do. It's snowed here. I
Speaker 1: heard it was like seventy degrees and then snow. It
Speaker 1: was crazy. It was not fun. Um My random thought
Speaker 1: of the day is it's so annoying when your phone
Speaker 1: doesn't charge overnight. Because now I'm like screwed this entire day.
Speaker 1: Was it actually plugged in? He was, But the light
Speaker 1: switch like sometimes it's turned off, which is connected to
Speaker 1: the thing that's like one of my biggest pet Pee's
Speaker 1: light switches that are connected to I hate him. It
Speaker 1: was crazy because now I'm screwed. Like now I just
Speaker 1: can't get like good, you know, I'm like I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be reading it in a little bit and then have
Speaker 1: to use it and yeah, because I can't just leave
Speaker 1: it there for six hours to charge or however long
Speaker 1: it's gonna take. Ah, that's my rooins for the day.
Speaker 1: Your hair looks good. Thank you like it. It's long,
Speaker 1: it's back too long. I feel like myself again. So like,
Speaker 1: cancoon l a tell us something, give us something good? Oh?
Speaker 1: Do you want the highs or the lows? High? Um?
Speaker 1: Mark would go with lows? Um highs? What was the highs? Um?
Speaker 1: I feel like I heard a lot of till already. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, um the highs were. It was really
Speaker 1: fun to make some good memories with the kids. Like
Speaker 1: all in all, they had a lot of fun, and
Speaker 1: like all in all they had like they just looked happy.
Speaker 1: That good. I think King Koons stressed everybody out just
Speaker 1: because the travel getting there was not how we thought
Speaker 1: it was going to be. Um that traveled, Like traveling
Speaker 1: with kids in general is sucky. Yeah, and then traveling
Speaker 1: and then having like a long layover, like long like
Speaker 1: three and a half four hour layover is not fun either.
Speaker 1: And then you know they had woken up like three
Speaker 1: thirty in the morning, so it was just a very
Speaker 1: long day. And then poor Jason, my sweet little JS,
Speaker 1: like got this tick from traveling, So it started with traveling.
Speaker 1: So what he would do is like, so he's got SPD,
Speaker 1: which we took him the doctors and she confirmed. She's like,
Speaker 1: you know, you can take into a specialist. Like a
Speaker 1: lot of kids can outgrow it, but with SPD, it's
Speaker 1: a sensory processing disorder. My thing, Like I've done so
Speaker 1: much research on it. They're saying it's there's an a
Speaker 1: lot of kids that have SPD have autism. So what
Speaker 1: her main not concerned earn because you know whatever, but
Speaker 1: like she's just like, let's check off the autism off
Speaker 1: the list first. And so she was doing like a
Speaker 1: few things in the office with him, and she's just like,
Speaker 1: I just don't think he's even like near the spectrum
Speaker 1: because you know, he's so like engaging and cuddly and
Speaker 1: like wants to share, and like she's like, I just
Speaker 1: think he just has SPD. So she's like, you can
Speaker 1: do these like techniques and tricks and you can bring
Speaker 1: him to a specialist. And I was like, well, let's
Speaker 1: let me just like keep doing what I'm doing because
Speaker 1: it seems to be working. Um, but like for example,
Speaker 1: like when he puts on a shirt and like there's
Speaker 1: this one texture of this Zara sweat trip that he
Speaker 1: has that's a little like it's up soft, it's like
Speaker 1: a little rougher it. It's it's like, you know, like
Speaker 1: those recycled water bottles like feel sweat shirts. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: want to wear an I don't either, but like you know,
Speaker 1: he's he's when he when he feels that, he goes
Speaker 1: he goes like this with his shoulders and he like
Speaker 1: shrugs his shoulders and he's like, I don't like the
Speaker 1: you don't like how feel, and he freaks out. I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: let's take it off. All good. But now I'm like
Speaker 1: before I give him a shirt, I'm like, hey, Buddy Field,
Speaker 1: this do you like this? Can we put this on you?
Speaker 1: And then like but if there's a tag, I have
Speaker 1: to immediately cut off the tag because like that bothers him.
Speaker 1: So he started shrugging his shoulders because he wanted to
Speaker 1: see and if the shirt doesn't fit him, like he'll
Speaker 1: go like too big, too big. And I'm like, baby,
Speaker 1: it's a three T like it fits you perfectly. But
Speaker 1: I'm like all right, so I go back down to
Speaker 1: like a two tea to like something that was like
Speaker 1: more like snug on him. That feels like more like
Speaker 1: comfort because they say like again kids with SPD have
Speaker 1: really bad or high anxiety, so um, just to calm
Speaker 1: them down, you know, I put my hands like now
Speaker 1: on his shoulder just to like kind of like you know,
Speaker 1: almost like my weighted blankets. That's gonna ask so um
Speaker 1: he started shrugging like that, but it would would only
Speaker 1: just to be his like fit, like to see if
Speaker 1: it fits him, and then it wouldn't. He wouldn't like
Speaker 1: continue on doing it. So the next day in King Kon,
Speaker 1: I started noticing him like shrugging his shoulders but like
Speaker 1: every two seconds, and I was like, hey, Ian, like
Speaker 1: clock that look at that, and he's like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: noticed it too. Um He's like I saw him do
Speaker 1: it actually in the air porestrisk Oh I didn't see that.
Speaker 1: So it's like again like anxiety or whatever that comes
Speaker 1: up for him. But I mean he did it, so
Speaker 1: I mean it was like two seven and I was
Speaker 1: just like, oh my gosh. And that's when I was like,
Speaker 1: is you know, like does he need to go? Like
Speaker 1: do I have to take him somewhere? But then you
Speaker 1: said that someone. Yeah, so Ammy had like a blinking tick.
Speaker 1: She blinked all the time. Um. And I think she
Speaker 1: was four or so because I think I remember the
Speaker 1: pediatrician saying, if it's just like a like an anxious
Speaker 1: thing or you know whatever, like a coping or whatever,
Speaker 1: usually it clears by six. I want to say it
Speaker 1: was the number. I could be wrong, but there was
Speaker 1: like an age that he's like, so just wait it out.
Speaker 1: You don't have to call it out, just like kind
Speaker 1: of let it be. And it was about that time
Speaker 1: that it just kind of stopped interesting. So I think
Speaker 1: I saw it in somewhat anxious time. She's not really
Speaker 1: an anxious child though, but it would be kind of
Speaker 1: like stressful times or tired or whatever. And then she
Speaker 1: had another friend that had that did the same thing.
Speaker 1: So I mean, I think it's more common than you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I was I started lynn. I looked into it
Speaker 1: because if people are like, hey, that's what my son does,
Speaker 1: and he has tourettes, so I'm like, okay, like I'm gonna,
Speaker 1: you know, kind of keep an eye on it. Um.
Speaker 1: But then I then I and I are talking and
Speaker 1: I was like, well, do you have any ticks? I'm like,
Speaker 1: I have a tick. I was like if you ever
Speaker 1: noticed my tick? Like and so it's and I guess
Speaker 1: he had one too. He used to scrunch his nose.
Speaker 1: Oh I did that when I was sugar, and he's
Speaker 1: like I had to physically be like stop because it
Speaker 1: just like I would do it all the time. And
Speaker 1: then like same with mine, like you know mine, but
Speaker 1: like I like scratched my nose and left my eyes up.
Speaker 1: But it's like I do it when I'm stressed. It
Speaker 1: only comes when I'm like super stressed. And then like
Speaker 1: when I'm not, I'm like, okay, I can control it,
Speaker 1: but it's just like this weird like yeah. But then
Speaker 1: I but I did start crying though in kin Kung
Speaker 1: because I was like how did I mess? You know,
Speaker 1: I'm like it's I was like so stressed and he
Speaker 1: probably felt my stress and I'm a bad mom and
Speaker 1: like you know, like but we just go straight to
Speaker 1: like it's my fault and like my kid is having
Speaker 1: now he now has this syndrome or tick thing because
Speaker 1: I was yelling at everybody the airport because I was
Speaker 1: so stressed. My stress then went on like my kids,
Speaker 1: So has it slowed down or is he still doing it?
Speaker 1: So now it's just his right one. Now he'll just
Speaker 1: kind of like right shoulder ticket and I just, I
Speaker 1: mean everything, I got it again. I read it was like,
Speaker 1: don't call attention to it. When I do see him,
Speaker 1: I just like squeeze him. I give him like a
Speaker 1: like a good big hug. But um, it has slowed down. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like it'll go through kind of seasons in
Speaker 1: a way. I remember that with Ammy, Like we've only
Speaker 1: never had one, so this is like that what was
Speaker 1: I haven't noticed it on any of the other kids,
Speaker 1: but there might not be as obvious. I mean, the
Speaker 1: blinking was so obvious. Shrugging is so obvious, you know.
Speaker 1: So I can remember there was like times where she
Speaker 1: did it all the time and times I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: she's not really doing it, you know. So it kind
Speaker 1: of comes and goes to I feel like, yeah, I know.
Speaker 1: It just it just made me feel bad because I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know, you know, and then I start to think,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you don't want anything, so I kinn't want
Speaker 1: kids to make fun of him. Yeah, So then I
Speaker 1: started to get sad about that, and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: don't know which also speaking of Jay's, He's got that
Speaker 1: thing on his head, the subacious nevus um and I
Speaker 1: was looking. So he needs to get it removed because
Speaker 1: it could turn into skin cancer. So I have it
Speaker 1: scheduled to do it, but he can't eat or drink
Speaker 1: past midnight. His surgery is not till ten. So I've
Speaker 1: been talking to my ex to be like when he
Speaker 1: wants water or his bar, like he loves those little
Speaker 1: cliff bars, like in the morning, like he's hungry, like
Speaker 1: he's nothing. I'm like, he's not going to understand that,
Speaker 1: Like he can't have this. Can you reschedule it for earlier?
Speaker 1: I I could, I could actually actually I should ask
Speaker 1: for that. I would um. But if not, I'm almost
Speaker 1: thinking like it doesn't hurt to wait, it just hurts
Speaker 1: it like he has it for a little long long.
Speaker 1: I'm almost thinking like if I can't reschedule, I'm like
Speaker 1: I might just do it like Jolie's age, I can
Speaker 1: be like, hey, babe, like you can't or you'll throw up.
Speaker 1: I mean all my kids when they had Kayden had
Speaker 1: a mole removed, Amy had tubes. They were all really early,
Speaker 1: like we woke them up. They went in their pajamas
Speaker 1: and we got there. I'm gonna call on us because
Speaker 1: I just I'm like I told my X, I was like,
Speaker 1: I just don't want that for him because he's not
Speaker 1: going to understand. And I can't, Like as a I
Speaker 1: feel like selfishly as a mom, like I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: if if I can, he doesn't, it doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be done right now. Like I have no kids that
Speaker 1: get it done when they're like twelve, but like I
Speaker 1: just like I can't. I can't handle seeing my kid upset. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean I get it. I think that's tough.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's for sure tough. And if it's okay
Speaker 1: to wait, I don't see why not. But okay, Kin
Speaker 1: was fun. He was just like it was is really
Speaker 1: windy in Cancun, and so again for a sensory kid,
Speaker 1: it was like that was his worst nightmare and my
Speaker 1: worst nightmare. And it was like, you know, I definitely
Speaker 1: put my stress because I can't. It's hard for me
Speaker 1: to communicate to everyone around me that like I need
Speaker 1: a break, But I'm like, who can I ask for
Speaker 1: a break. It's not Ian's kid, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So it was like how did that? How did that?
Speaker 1: How does that work? Well? No, it's it's hard. And
Speaker 1: that's like where I was like, it just was like,
Speaker 1: you know, he's got his kid, I've got it. Was
Speaker 1: it was the first time. It was like the first
Speaker 1: like of course it was going to be um stressful
Speaker 1: in certain situations, but I mean, bless him, Like he's
Speaker 1: just like, what do you, like, how can I help you?
Speaker 1: Like I I want to help, and I'm like, but
Speaker 1: for me, it's hard to ask when it's like, Jason,
Speaker 1: isn't your son? Jason like word like it's it was
Speaker 1: if you were my ex, and my ex wold no,
Speaker 1: like just to give me a break or like he'll
Speaker 1: take him or whatever. But it's like, you're not going
Speaker 1: to come take j is for me when he's screaming crying,
Speaker 1: like he's obviously gonna want mom or his dad, right,
Speaker 1: So it's like but then I'm like I need a
Speaker 1: break because I'm exhausted because I've dealt with him now
Speaker 1: for the last two days from like the plane and
Speaker 1: now he's like screaming crying because it's windy out yeah
Speaker 1: you know, So it's like it puts and I was
Speaker 1: like telling our therapist this amy. I was just like,
Speaker 1: it's just so hard to ask when I'm like, it's
Speaker 1: not because the end of the day, he's gonna go
Speaker 1: to his kid. I'm gonna go to my two kids.
Speaker 1: And that's one of your things what to ask for help.
Speaker 1: It's so hard because I want can't you say that
Speaker 1: I need a break from this kid? You know. The
Speaker 1: problem though, is that he really just wants you, so
Speaker 1: you just have to go away, right. That's the hard
Speaker 1: part because again, if my ex was there, that's and
Speaker 1: that's where like that and that's where it's like I missed,
Speaker 1: like my family got it. It's like I don't miss
Speaker 1: like if someone told me, they're like because I hadn't
Speaker 1: you know, I struggled with obviously, I cried before I left.
Speaker 1: It was it's more just like the family dynamic of
Speaker 1: being able to help and being able to like that
Speaker 1: is a huge piece of that because if he was
Speaker 1: Mike was there, like he had got him or whatever
Speaker 1: and helped and like and I know in time like
Speaker 1: hopefully like the blended family, like who knows, like if
Speaker 1: we right so well And also it's kind of like
Speaker 1: you're still a single mom, yeah, but you have a
Speaker 1: boyfriend who has a kid. It's tricky. I've been wondering
Speaker 1: how that works because that would be hard. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: it's hard. Don't take time. And I just I would
Speaker 1: love to like see, like I'd love to like talk
Speaker 1: to like someone because I don't really know anyone in
Speaker 1: that situation or like how they deal with it or
Speaker 1: how they like, you know. And and for me, I
Speaker 1: was just like, it just feels so separate and like
Speaker 1: not like. And I know again like maybe in time,
Speaker 1: if we were to like ever really to become like
Speaker 1: and it became you know, more serious or whatever, like
Speaker 1: it would feel different. But and maybe it was just
Speaker 1: the first time, but it just felt like it made
Speaker 1: me miss like my family right quote unquote right because
Speaker 1: it's different. It's very different. Yeah, And I'm like, is
Speaker 1: it always going to feel this way? Um? So one
Speaker 1: of the days and then I think too, was like
Speaker 1: the weather. It was ter it was so bad, it
Speaker 1: was like cold and like, and then there was like
Speaker 1: one nice day and I was just of course, this
Speaker 1: is what I do. I like and we're trying to
Speaker 1: stop the process and therapy, but I like build and
Speaker 1: then I explode and um, and then you know, and
Speaker 1: then it's regretting, I'm sorry and whatever, and she's like,
Speaker 1: you gotta somewhere in there like asked for what you
Speaker 1: need or like. So I'm just like, it would be
Speaker 1: really nice, like when I bring up Ja's for his nap,
Speaker 1: because I'm like, you know, I gotta go to the
Speaker 1: naps and then I'm away for two It's like I
Speaker 1: would like to also enjoy this one beautiful day of sun,
Speaker 1: right you know. And he was just like, well, how
Speaker 1: about like you go up there right now and then
Speaker 1: I'll come like re leave you in an hour. And
Speaker 1: I was just like, yeah, that'd be great. So but
Speaker 1: it was hard. Anyways, we will get back to that.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about the rest of the trip. But we
Speaker 1: have um Aaron in the waiting room, and UM very timely,
Speaker 1: very excited to get her on. But first she wrote
Speaker 1: a book, by the way, her name is Aaron Falconer. Um.
Speaker 1: It's called How to Break Up with Your Friends, which,
Speaker 1: again interesting timing, but I will let's take a break
Speaker 1: and then we'll get her on. Hi. Hi, Hi, Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, you're so like good energy, good like maybe
Speaker 1: it's the yellow but like you just look happy. Oh.
Speaker 1: Thanks I didn't know if this was too bright for today.
Speaker 1: But also I'm a little tired, so I was like,
Speaker 1: it's like when we put on red lipstick when we
Speaker 1: have no makeup on or haven't showered. But it's like, ye,
Speaker 1: do I do a pop of bread or the yellow?
Speaker 1: I couldn't do both, so that that is true. You
Speaker 1: have to It's like pick one or the other. Um, no,
Speaker 1: you look great. It's so funny because I feel like
Speaker 1: this is such like um god timing with things like
Speaker 1: having you on because I just went through something that
Speaker 1: actually I told Ian aboutlast night. I started crying and
Speaker 1: because I was just like talking about it. But it
Speaker 1: was about breaking up with a friend, and so when
Speaker 1: I looked at the rundown, I was like, you guys,
Speaker 1: I was like, this is like insane. But now you're
Speaker 1: on the podcast, so very good. You manifested the answers
Speaker 1: to your problems. I did, um, and what we've kind
Speaker 1: of talked about, like we've just I don't know, it
Speaker 1: almost feels like when we get older, it's like we
Speaker 1: have like I don't know, when I was younger, I
Speaker 1: just kind of kept friends around even when they were
Speaker 1: like not good right, right, But it's like as you
Speaker 1: get older, it almost feels like it's like I don't
Speaker 1: have time for this, or it's not serving me, or
Speaker 1: it's you know whatever. Yeah, well, I mean I think
Speaker 1: the thing is is like the big problem is that
Speaker 1: we the reason we keep friends around a lot longer
Speaker 1: than we should. Well Number one is we don't really
Speaker 1: think of this group of relationships in the way with
Speaker 1: think of like romantic partnerships or family relationships, which you
Speaker 1: know they require work and you know they're hard, but
Speaker 1: they're great. We just think of friendships is something that
Speaker 1: is like a category of relationships that are like nice
Speaker 1: to have and kind of should give, give, give, and
Speaker 1: if they're not, we just kind of like look the
Speaker 1: other way. Um, but that's a real missed opportunity, because
Speaker 1: any relationship worth anything is worth the work and and
Speaker 1: the assessment, and just like taking inventory and stock of
Speaker 1: the people in your life is is really helpful because
Speaker 1: we've got all of these energies in our worlds that
Speaker 1: we're not necessarily paying attention to, but they're either draining
Speaker 1: or giving energy, and so you want to like take
Speaker 1: an audit of the people in your world and say
Speaker 1: what relationships are bringing the energy and what are either
Speaker 1: just like I'm numb too, or they're taking energy, and
Speaker 1: then be kind of intentional about moving more people into
Speaker 1: your world who are bringing energy and less that are
Speaker 1: like no more new or taking. Do you have an
Speaker 1: example that kind of inspired you to write this book. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I was sitting waiting for my friend um, who
Speaker 1: on paper I would have said was one of my
Speaker 1: best friends in the world. You know, if somebody said, oh,
Speaker 1: you know so and so, I'd be like, she's like
Speaker 1: my best friend. Uh. And I was sitting waiting for her,
Speaker 1: and she she lives on the east side of Los Angeles.
Speaker 1: I live on the west side, and so it's always
Speaker 1: like a huge kind of commute and to meet each other,
Speaker 1: and without fail, she is like thirty minutes like every
Speaker 1: single time. And what I realized as I was sitting
Speaker 1: waiting for her for like the you know, twenty millionth time,
Speaker 1: was that I had built up all of these kind
Speaker 1: of like frustrations and irritations with her, and so over
Speaker 1: time this kind of chasm had grown between us where
Speaker 1: I realized that I was like, she she kept wanting
Speaker 1: to meet and you know, hang out, and I was
Speaker 1: like putting greater and greater distance between the times we
Speaker 1: were meeting and um and and I had this epiphany
Speaker 1: when I was sitting there, and I was just like, I,
Speaker 1: I are we good friends. I don't even know for
Speaker 1: good friends anymore, Like we're kind of going through the motions.
Speaker 1: But again, there's like such distance between each time we
Speaker 1: see each other. I'm irritated every time she shows up
Speaker 1: late and then spends ten minutes, you know, telling me
Speaker 1: why she was late and didda, and like I don't
Speaker 1: you know, I don't now have wasted more time. And
Speaker 1: so it was kind of out of that. But then
Speaker 1: I was like, h okay, this is odd. And then
Speaker 1: I started looking at all of my friendships and the
Speaker 1: kind of biggest light bulb went off for me when
Speaker 1: I was like, I've never done this before, and this
Speaker 1: is weird because we are a culture that is obsessed
Speaker 1: with information, right, Like we know every calorie we're eating,
Speaker 1: every grandma fat, grandma protein. We wear watches to tell
Speaker 1: us every step we're taking, like need to track, you know,
Speaker 1: midnight steps to the bathroom to take a pee, Like
Speaker 1: don't want to miss a step. Marie Condo has taught
Speaker 1: us to like hold up a chair or a sweater
Speaker 1: and say does this bring me joy? And yet the
Speaker 1: people in our lives, like the people you know, like
Speaker 1: the most important thing, um, just never really considered like
Speaker 1: they're kind of they're a lot of them legacy friendships.
Speaker 1: And it's like obviously people that are involved interested in
Speaker 1: self growth or you know, evolving, you're going to change
Speaker 1: over time. And so the idea that you wouldn't check
Speaker 1: in and see where the other those relations if those
Speaker 1: relationships have evolved with you or not, is is a
Speaker 1: really missed opportunity, right because a lot of times not
Speaker 1: even if somebody's gone in uh, it's not necessarily a
Speaker 1: bad direction and you're going in a good direction. They're
Speaker 1: just different directions, right, um. And so you need to
Speaker 1: be checking in and saying, hm hmm, you know, does
Speaker 1: this still serve me in this relationship? And do I
Speaker 1: still of it? And um, you know, oftentimes the answer
Speaker 1: that question is not really you know. And so the
Speaker 1: book is not necessarily about going through your contact list
Speaker 1: with a machete and just cutting people out of your life. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: exactly so, but it is about having like an awareness
Speaker 1: and a sense of the energy is really operating in
Speaker 1: your world, and I think we need that more now
Speaker 1: than ever. And if we're really intentional with this group
Speaker 1: of people, your friends, I think you create a really
Speaker 1: amazing um support system. You have the opportunity to really
Speaker 1: feel seen, to really take foster positive energy that then
Speaker 1: you take out into the rest of your world and
Speaker 1: the rest of your relationships. And I think there's like
Speaker 1: an amazing kind of domino effect. But right now we're
Speaker 1: just kind of dialing things in unless some major problem
Speaker 1: comes up, and then often it's too late. M hm.
Speaker 1: The legacy friendship isn't interesting because I was talking with
Speaker 1: her friend the other day at the nail salon and
Speaker 1: she was like, she basically went on a vacation with
Speaker 1: someone that she has always said her entire life was
Speaker 1: my best friend. You know, She's like, it was just
Speaker 1: we have such a past legacy friendship. But she's like
Speaker 1: she's like I almost sat there and was like, would
Speaker 1: I be friends with this person today if I met
Speaker 1: them today? And it's just so interesting, and you know,
Speaker 1: I I, you know, we all have like those friends
Speaker 1: from our past and because we have grown and evolve
Speaker 1: so much when you're not around them, and then you
Speaker 1: get back together with them. It is that kind of
Speaker 1: like would would I want to hang out with you today? Right? Yeah?
Speaker 1: But it's like, but I've always called you my best friends,
Speaker 1: so I guess you're my best friend, you know. And
Speaker 1: what I always say is like length of time of
Speaker 1: a relationship is not a strong enough motivation to stay
Speaker 1: in it. Um. You know, it's great. And if you
Speaker 1: some of those legacy friendships, if you're in contact with them,
Speaker 1: if you are on the same page, even if you're
Speaker 1: not seeing them all the time, but when you do connect,
Speaker 1: it brings up a great sense of a step in
Speaker 1: nostalgia or joy or you know whatever, then great. You know.
Speaker 1: It's not that you necessarily have to see these people all,
Speaker 1: you know, all the time. But if you if you
Speaker 1: are in a situation where you're like, uh, like I
Speaker 1: don't see any common ground here or um, it's just
Speaker 1: we're in two different spaces to really connect, then you
Speaker 1: know there's something to talk about. And look, there's a
Speaker 1: there's a natural There can be a natural kind of
Speaker 1: like you just kind of drift apart, and that's fine,
Speaker 1: you know, because the expectation or the understanding is kind
Speaker 1: of unspoken, but it is the same you are on
Speaker 1: kind of the same it's subconscious, but you're kind of
Speaker 1: just drifting in different directions. The problem is, I think
Speaker 1: we all have, um, you know, the these friendships that
Speaker 1: there may be from a different place in space and time,
Speaker 1: and you would be happy to let something drift out,
Speaker 1: but they keep trying to age you. And that's where
Speaker 1: the expectation or you know, hang out or you know,
Speaker 1: talk on the phone, and you're like putting them off
Speaker 1: or or feeling irritated by the request, and so they're
Speaker 1: the expectation isn't the same. And that's when I think
Speaker 1: you kind of have to do something about it. Because
Speaker 1: often those relationships were really good, really formative, really you know,
Speaker 1: and really speak to a specific time of who you were,
Speaker 1: and that's a great memory. But if we let it
Speaker 1: drag out, um, and then again we have these built
Speaker 1: up kind of resentiments or irritations were guilt because we're
Speaker 1: not wanting to hang out with that person. That becomes
Speaker 1: the dominating memory, you know, and the dominating tech away
Speaker 1: from the relationship, dominating kind of emotion as opposed to
Speaker 1: like it's you know, if you if you kind of
Speaker 1: ended or separate consciously from this person, then the good
Speaker 1: memory is still and the good emotions are still the
Speaker 1: dominating kind of force in your world, and that's what
Speaker 1: you that's where you want to be. M h. I'm curious, Cat,
Speaker 1: because you had spoken about your kind of um friendship
Speaker 1: that is m hm do you does you? Does it? Like?
Speaker 1: Where are you on it? Like is it something where
Speaker 1: it's like you want to reach out again? Is it
Speaker 1: something where it's like you want to fix the relationship
Speaker 1: because it has it was a it was like a
Speaker 1: legacy friendship for sure. It's hard because there was a
Speaker 1: little bit of a natural Like you said, there was
Speaker 1: kind of the natural um you know, we'd see each
Speaker 1: other every couple of months or whatever. But then there
Speaker 1: was like one thing that did happen, and so, like
Speaker 1: you said, that's our memory at this point. Our memory
Speaker 1: is that I got upset about something to me, she
Speaker 1: didn't respond well, and it just kind of then no
Speaker 1: one ever, like we're not speaking to each other now.
Speaker 1: So it's kind of like I wish it could have
Speaker 1: I wish we could have handled it before then, I
Speaker 1: guess um, because at that point then the bond isn't
Speaker 1: strong enough to to probably even do the work to
Speaker 1: resolve this thing because of what are you resolving back
Speaker 1: to a place where you kind of want to drift
Speaker 1: away anyways. Yeah, there's a lot of resolved energy around that,
Speaker 1: you know, a lot of unresolved feelings, right, and it's hard.
Speaker 1: It's hard when you do grow up, and it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, in this relationship, I feel like in a
Speaker 1: lot of relationships, not just this one. I feel like,
Speaker 1: sometimes I know what I need to do to make
Speaker 1: it better, whether it was my fault or not. I'll
Speaker 1: say I'm sorry. But now it's like I've gotten to
Speaker 1: an age where I'm like, I don't want to just
Speaker 1: go say I'm sorry. I want her to say I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: you know. So I think I'm just at a point
Speaker 1: where I'm just like, you know, it doesn't really serve
Speaker 1: and it may not serve her either, you know. I
Speaker 1: mean that's fine. That's the thing. We we create these
Speaker 1: narratives in our head, like if something's not serving us,
Speaker 1: and instead of doing something about it, like oh, I
Speaker 1: can't do this, it'll be too upsetting. She was going
Speaker 1: through something in her life, you know, it's better maybe
Speaker 1: not to say something. We can just drift apart dada,
Speaker 1: but who knows that it just falls narratives you're creating.
Speaker 1: She On the other flip side of that, there also
Speaker 1: could be a sense of relief that this is over,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, or that you're going in
Speaker 1: different directions. So I think the assumptions we make are
Speaker 1: kind of like fear based because we actually don't want
Speaker 1: to take the action. And when I was like writing,
Speaker 1: when I was like starting to think about this idea
Speaker 1: for the book, something, I'm a therapist, and something really
Speaker 1: dawned on me that you know, in the world of
Speaker 1: kind of classic therapy, there's individual therapy, there's couple therapy,
Speaker 1: there's family therapy, but there's no such thing really as
Speaker 1: friendship therapy. And I'm not suggesting friend couples run out
Speaker 1: and go see therapy, but what that means to me
Speaker 1: is that out there in the zeitgeist, there is no
Speaker 1: kind of acceptable, agreed upon language for navigating conflict in
Speaker 1: these relationships. There's no blueprint how to get into new ones,
Speaker 1: how to get out of old ones, and and so
Speaker 1: as a result of that, we often do nothing because
Speaker 1: we just don't have the practice or the language. And
Speaker 1: it feels almost overtly dramatic to end something when there's
Speaker 1: not a big drama to end it right there feels like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's because nobody ever does that. And and so I
Speaker 1: think it's important to have these conversations about like even
Speaker 1: though it feels awkward up front, um and and it's funny.
Speaker 1: And one part of the book, I literally have conversation
Speaker 1: starters based on like different scenarios. And as I was writing,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, this is this
Speaker 1: almost feels ridiculous. And then I but when I thought
Speaker 1: about it, I was like, it's not though, because nobody
Speaker 1: ever says these things. And it's like the starting of
Speaker 1: the conversation that's the hardest. Once you get into it,
Speaker 1: then you whatever your personal situation just kind of comes
Speaker 1: letting out. But it's like, and why is this so hard?
Speaker 1: Because there's no blueprint of how to do this in
Speaker 1: these this category of relationships. And I think that's why
Speaker 1: it's challenging. And I also think, you know, there's there's
Speaker 1: so there's one chapter. There's ten chapters in the book.
Speaker 1: There's one on how to break up with your friends.
Speaker 1: There's nine on the importance of really fostering great connection
Speaker 1: in these relationships and how to do how to do
Speaker 1: that and how to be better even in your relationships
Speaker 1: that are you feel warmly about. And um, so I
Speaker 1: think that's also the important part because for example, one
Speaker 1: of the one of the things we need to work
Speaker 1: on is self advocating. And so it's like, just like
Speaker 1: what you were saying about the apology, the feeling confident
Speaker 1: or feeling like it's fine and um, all right to say, hey, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to apologize for something. I'm the first
Speaker 1: person to apologize for something when I'm wrong, and I
Speaker 1: reflect on these things and I honestly trying to assess
Speaker 1: what I'm wrong. But I've just got to be clear
Speaker 1: with you I'm not I'm not going to apologize when
Speaker 1: it's not when I don't feel it fault. And it's necessary.
Speaker 1: It's a requirement of this friendship for you to take
Speaker 1: ownership on what I consider your bad behavior if we're
Speaker 1: going to move forward together. This is just a requirement
Speaker 1: of what any relationship takes the needs. Right, So the
Speaker 1: practicing of advocating for yourself and operating from a place
Speaker 1: of truth within these relationships, I think is so key
Speaker 1: to number one. Just you know, fostering like really important
Speaker 1: strong friendships, and number two so that you don't get
Speaker 1: to a place where you need to break up right
Speaker 1: literally like couples therapy. Like it's like literally is you know?
Speaker 1: I was being It's funny. I was being interviewed by
Speaker 1: um Maria Manonos the other day love her literally the
Speaker 1: absolute best, and she she's kind of the interview was
Speaker 1: winding out and she's like, Okay, Aaron, Aaron, I have
Speaker 1: a really good friend. And she's like, over the past
Speaker 1: two years, we've made plans like ten times, concrete plants
Speaker 1: like date time, the whole you know, location, the whole thing. Excitedly, Um,
Speaker 1: both of us were engaged in sending up these plants,
Speaker 1: and the last ten times, either the night before or
Speaker 1: the morning of, the friend is send a text counseling
Speaker 1: and she's like, look, look she holds up her phone.
Speaker 1: I kind of go oh, yeah, huh, and she's like,
Speaker 1: what do I do with this friend? And I'm like, Maria,
Speaker 1: I've got news for you. You're not in a friendship
Speaker 1: with this person. You're in some kind of weird relationship,
Speaker 1: but this is not a friend. This person is not
Speaker 1: committed to this relationship. She's canceling ten ten times in
Speaker 1: I said, let me, let let's look at another way.
Speaker 1: If this was a guy you were dating and he
Speaker 1: and she does, he'd be done after the second one,
Speaker 1: probably the first one. And I was like, exactly, because
Speaker 1: we understand collectively societially, we understand what we will take
Speaker 1: what we won't in these relationships. And yet, for friends, uncle,
Speaker 1: how many times we're going to let this go on
Speaker 1: the twenty? What's the number that you would be like?
Speaker 1: And it's not about Marie, it's about up. It's about everybody,
Speaker 1: because we just don't have these expectations. I mean, at
Speaker 1: a certain point it would get ridiculous. And she called
Speaker 1: it friend up. But why take it to that. It
Speaker 1: doesn't need to go to ten times, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean? If you can just kind of say what
Speaker 1: we mean and okay, this is you've canceled three times?
Speaker 1: What's up? Is there a problem? I don't know about
Speaker 1: what's going on? Is that you know whatever? But just
Speaker 1: like addressing things as they come up. I think it's
Speaker 1: really important, but we're just not in the habit of
Speaker 1: doing that in these relationships. Yeah. Um, it's kind of
Speaker 1: like what I did with Sarah. Remember how like I
Speaker 1: felt like I was always inviting her and I was like,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm the only one like and it's
Speaker 1: like you're always saying no. So it's like I want
Speaker 1: to keep asking, but at the same time, and then
Speaker 1: then it's like then you have a conversation. It's like
Speaker 1: then you can hear what they're going through, and that's
Speaker 1: a lot or communication. Yeah, communication is yeah, key, yeah.
Speaker 1: And the same thing with like my legacy friend. You know,
Speaker 1: I was just like when we don't I know, we
Speaker 1: don't see each other a lot, No, we don't talk
Speaker 1: a lot, but like when there's no communication and I
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on, I'm like, I don't, like
Speaker 1: I've never liked just surface level friendships. So it's like
Speaker 1: and then you know, you find out that her mom
Speaker 1: was really sick or and so so it's like, okay,
Speaker 1: like I'm like, but like, let me in if we're
Speaker 1: still like doing this, but I think my ad no, No.
Speaker 1: It just leaves you guessing, and then you're you're creating
Speaker 1: a story of what could be happening and why. You know,
Speaker 1: we're taking it personally because it feels deeply personal. Somebody's
Speaker 1: not responding to But a lot of times, you know,
Speaker 1: it's not like using your example of you know, her
Speaker 1: mother is sick, she's tending. You know, it's obviously a
Speaker 1: situation of great gravity and stress for her. Um, but
Speaker 1: you can see how they're not communicating all of a sudden.
Speaker 1: Now that's a problem. So I'm probably about to sound
Speaker 1: like a hypocrite here, but I'll explain more why I
Speaker 1: feel that way. But when someone breaks up with a
Speaker 1: friend but yet they're still friends, the other friends still
Speaker 1: friends with a friend, right, So like like if there's
Speaker 1: three of you, Well, so I'll just I'm gonna do
Speaker 1: like two different examples and then you can get to
Speaker 1: where I'm like the hypocrite part. So I'm calling myself out. Um,
Speaker 1: So I was friends with her friend that she has now, UM,
Speaker 1: I guess essentially broken up with right now through her
Speaker 1: So like I met her through her, right, Um, I
Speaker 1: don't and I know I I know she's going through
Speaker 1: some like life changes right now. So I've and we've
Speaker 1: kind of on the same life changes and so, um
Speaker 1: I've met up with her a few times, like to
Speaker 1: kind of touch base and whatever. But I asked her
Speaker 1: if it was okay, um, but like moving forward, like
Speaker 1: what does that look like for because on the flip side,
Speaker 1: I just got really upset about a friend that was
Speaker 1: hanging out with my ex husband and didn't tell me,
Speaker 1: and when I went to my therapist, and I will
Speaker 1: say that was not what actually made me the most upset,
Speaker 1: but it was still like I would have loved to
Speaker 1: have found out from you and not from somebody else
Speaker 1: telling me, and that felt and I was like and
Speaker 1: then I told my therapist and I was like why,
Speaker 1: Like why do I care? Like who, okay whatever he's
Speaker 1: hanging out with. But I'm like, it bothers me, Like
Speaker 1: it just bothers me, and she goes Unfortunately, She's like
Speaker 1: in those situations like you do have to pick a
Speaker 1: side mm hmm, especially with how me and my accentded
Speaker 1: and like it's not kosher in certain areas and like,
Speaker 1: you know it's But then I'm like my hypocrite for them,
Speaker 1: like hanging out with a friend of you know every
Speaker 1: once in a while, like to check in. Well, even
Speaker 1: though on the surface they sound like similar situations, I
Speaker 1: think they are actually pretty different because of the romantic
Speaker 1: element and because not that your friend is hanging out
Speaker 1: with your ex romantically, but it is a much more
Speaker 1: complicated situation. Um, it sounds like. Um also the fact
Speaker 1: of that, that's the fact that you weren't told about it,
Speaker 1: So there seems like just innately, there's something to hide
Speaker 1: or something. And I'm not saying romantically, I'm just saying
Speaker 1: it's it's her, it's her husband. But they they're hanging
Speaker 1: out as like a group or whatever. But still like Nick,
Speaker 1: her husband and my they would never and if even
Speaker 1: if we were all kosher, me and Max, like, I
Speaker 1: still think there'd be a conversation beforehand, like hey, like
Speaker 1: out of respect, yeah, exactly, But even then, I don't
Speaker 1: think did you share? Did did you tell your friend
Speaker 1: that that? Yes? So I was like, is this true
Speaker 1: that this is happening, And they're like, yeah, we hang out,
Speaker 1: um whatever friends with some other people and you know, yes,
Speaker 1: And and I said, it really hurts my feelings that
Speaker 1: you didn't you know, discuss this blah blah bla or
Speaker 1: talk to me about it, and it out of the
Speaker 1: entire conversation what hurt me the most. And like I've
Speaker 1: I started immediately crying to crying to my therapist about it.
Speaker 1: And then crying to my boyfriend last night. But she goes,
Speaker 1: I hope she was coming from a divorced family. I
Speaker 1: hope that you can you and your ex can reconcile.
Speaker 1: And in my mind, I'm like, no friend of mine
Speaker 1: would ever want me. It was it felt like a
Speaker 1: slap in the face, like you sat on my floor
Speaker 1: taking out pictures of our life together, me and my ex,
Speaker 1: while I told you some of the worst things ever,
Speaker 1: and yet you would want me to reconcile with a
Speaker 1: man that did all those It just felt like a
Speaker 1: slap in the face, not sing or like they didn't
Speaker 1: believe my story or just you know it didn't believe it.
Speaker 1: And so I was just like I'm done. I was like,
Speaker 1: there's no conversation needed, like and I because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I literally Pamelan. When I was telling you my best
Speaker 1: friend this, she was like, I'm gonna be honest with you.
Speaker 1: She's like, I would I couldn't be your friend if
Speaker 1: you got back with your ex, And I go, that
Speaker 1: is more of a friend then what that friend just said.
Speaker 1: You know, and Catherine wouldn't work with me, you know.
Speaker 1: It's like, I mean, I don't that exactly she's like,
Speaker 1: if you don't get divorced, I'm not going to work
Speaker 1: with you. And it's like, to me, that is more
Speaker 1: of a friend than like whatever it's but it was
Speaker 1: just like and so I said my piece, and I said,
Speaker 1: I don't need a response back. I'm like, it's just
Speaker 1: it hurt really bad. But now I'm I have like
Speaker 1: a million questions in that. But I think the question
Speaker 1: on the side is like, how do you walk away
Speaker 1: from the decision, like feeling really confident in your decision
Speaker 1: because we have friends there, She's friends with her, My
Speaker 1: other queendom is friends with her, you know. So it's
Speaker 1: like it's a very tricky, moving forward situation. So give
Speaker 1: it to me. Well, well, I mean I think in
Speaker 1: this case, number one, it sounds, you know, we we
Speaker 1: could probably have a much longer conversation about this, But
Speaker 1: it sounds to me that number one, this person does
Speaker 1: not see who you who you are at all, and
Speaker 1: she's choosing a narrative that serves her needs, which is
Speaker 1: she needs to feel good about what she's doing. And
Speaker 1: and it's very obviously difficult to come up with a reason,
Speaker 1: you know, something reasonable how she's behaving. So she's put
Speaker 1: it back on you to you. Wouldn't it be convenient
Speaker 1: for her if you two would reconcile, right, And so
Speaker 1: this is her her her thing. You are not in
Speaker 1: this equation at all, right, as far as she's concerned. Um,
Speaker 1: And so I think the thing you need to really
Speaker 1: pay attention to is just your gut reaction, your gut response,
Speaker 1: and and that's really tells you all that you need
Speaker 1: to know in terms of am I moving in the
Speaker 1: right direction? And based on everything that you've told me
Speaker 1: right now, this seems like every beat you took was
Speaker 1: the right one in the sense of you confronted her,
Speaker 1: you communicated your problem, why you are haven't we struggling
Speaker 1: with this? And then when her her reaction was way
Speaker 1: out of line and you decided to take action around
Speaker 1: and said, well, this is this is done for me
Speaker 1: because um, there's nothing here that helps. This relationship doesn't
Speaker 1: in no way conserve me. And so what do friends
Speaker 1: do then when other friends break up? Well, that's there
Speaker 1: that that's that then become when you take yourself add
Speaker 1: and this is hard to kind of this is hard,
Speaker 1: easier to say than to do. But when you extract
Speaker 1: yourself from a situation you extracted. The people that are
Speaker 1: still remaining in these situates, they need to figure out
Speaker 1: how to work around this. You've made a choice. They
Speaker 1: need to figure out how they're going to continue to
Speaker 1: operate with this person, what their own moral compasses around
Speaker 1: this person um and you know, if they are still aligned,
Speaker 1: and if they are and that's still a right choice
Speaker 1: for them, then that's something they need to handle. That's
Speaker 1: not your problem. You've made the action, and that's the
Speaker 1: choices that are right for you based on the way
Speaker 1: you feel. And it seems like a very clear vision
Speaker 1: of the person you want to be right now. Everything
Speaker 1: else that goes on between them and how they're going
Speaker 1: to operate and how they're going to operate then with
Speaker 1: you is a them thing. You need to try and
Speaker 1: problem solve for other people's relationships and how they're going
Speaker 1: to navigate right for you. Can be sensitively. You don't
Speaker 1: want to be like, so you hang out you that
Speaker 1: with that person? Did they say anything about me? Did
Speaker 1: they say you know? You don't. But you just need
Speaker 1: to be conscious of separating yourself from all kind of
Speaker 1: energetic attachments to this other person and have trust and
Speaker 1: confidence that the people that are still friends with her,
Speaker 1: are that that relationship is very strong with you, and
Speaker 1: they will have your back and they will operate in
Speaker 1: the best in the best manner that is respectful to you,
Speaker 1: while still maintaining a relationship that they hopefully, after consideration,
Speaker 1: still feels as valuable for them with this other person.
Speaker 1: But that's of them. You have done what you need
Speaker 1: to do. Let the chips fall where they may. Um,
Speaker 1: it's not so much like a pick sides kind of
Speaker 1: situation like you and your ex. Right, wait, well, I
Speaker 1: feel like you're kind of asking, like, as the other friends,
Speaker 1: should you pick sides? Like, so this other friend that
Speaker 1: she's having an issue with, should I pick sides? You know,
Speaker 1: because she's having issue and we're closer obviously, should I
Speaker 1: then not be friends with this other girl or her
Speaker 1: with my other friend? Right? So are you asking me
Speaker 1: if if you need to pick sides because you're still friend? Well,
Speaker 1: I think it's kind of the same situation essentially. I
Speaker 1: guess we're both kind of in the same boat. But yeah, right,
Speaker 1: well it well, it does seem less kind of um
Speaker 1: less emotional stakes with the friend. The first scenario you
Speaker 1: brought up with your friend because number one. You you
Speaker 1: asked if it was okay? Right? You said, So, that's
Speaker 1: that's what. You're just starting with a different energy. You're
Speaker 1: just coming from a different place of honesty, and so
Speaker 1: right off the bat, the dynamic is different. You are also,
Speaker 1: it sounds like checking in with this person who, as
Speaker 1: you said, had a similar life experience with you. It's
Speaker 1: not like you're deeply in mention in her world. It
Speaker 1: feels like a far more casual situation, like we would
Speaker 1: never play three handed you without you, I would never
Speaker 1: do well and kind of answer your which I said
Speaker 1: it was totally fine, obviously, but I won't lie that
Speaker 1: it's It is hard, and I think it will be
Speaker 1: hard for you at times with certain friends that are
Speaker 1: still friends with her, if you're seeing where they're hanging
Speaker 1: out or whatever. It's not an easy thing for people
Speaker 1: like us that I mean, our emotional people. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's not easy. But I have a harder time with
Speaker 1: it with like another mutual friend of ours h m hmm,
Speaker 1: with between me no no, no no, with that person
Speaker 1: and another mutual friend, it's harder for me knowing that
Speaker 1: person is closer to her because I don't fully trust
Speaker 1: what she's saying, I trust you, But that is almost
Speaker 1: harder because it's like that person hasn't reached out to
Speaker 1: me to see how I am. It's just so I
Speaker 1: know she has chosen aside, and so that friendship is
Speaker 1: probably going to go. It's very clear that she has
Speaker 1: chosen aside because I haven't heard from her. I know
Speaker 1: she's talked about it to other people, you know. I
Speaker 1: know that this friend is going through something through other people,
Speaker 1: you know. So again I think it's it can be hard,
Speaker 1: but and I think with your situation, you know, that's
Speaker 1: a hard one. I think again because how it ended,
Speaker 1: and like how like he lied to everybody. He lied
Speaker 1: to everybody on this podcast. He I mean, he lied
Speaker 1: to it. So it's like, which is why he hasn't
Speaker 1: reached out to your husband because they can read through
Speaker 1: the BS meter, you know. And so I'm like, you
Speaker 1: know what, fine, you want that? Like, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to like I don't want to not have
Speaker 1: any friends, but it just felt very like I guess
Speaker 1: it's icky with friendships and then divorce and the whole. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you can't see how very complicated the situation is. I mean,
Speaker 1: just getting a little snippet, a little snapshot of what's
Speaker 1: going on here. And here's the thing. The chance of
Speaker 1: controlling somebody else's behavior and controlling an outcome with somebody
Speaker 1: else's zero percent. The chance of controlling your own behavior.
Speaker 1: So where you're going to spend your time and energy right,
Speaker 1: All you can do is focus on you try and
Speaker 1: operate out of a place of truth, on authenticity, and
Speaker 1: operate from that place with confidence. And you really need
Speaker 1: to let I mean, I don't want to sound flip
Speaker 1: flippant when I say let the chips fall where they
Speaker 1: may is, but I really you have no influence on
Speaker 1: how these other people are going to interact. You've got
Speaker 1: no influence how your partner sitting right there is going
Speaker 1: to interact with this person. None. You can sit there
Speaker 1: and cry, you can get excited, you can get mad,
Speaker 1: but at the end of the day, you'll have no
Speaker 1: actual impact. The only thing that you can take confidence
Speaker 1: in is how you're orienting yourself in the world. And
Speaker 1: then and and so that's where you want to spend
Speaker 1: the time because that's where you've got the influence, you know,
Speaker 1: And I think that's so you're your instinct to end
Speaker 1: it with this other person who who you know, said
Speaker 1: a terrible thing and had it's a terrible idea and
Speaker 1: also is operating in a shady way. Is the exact
Speaker 1: right in this instant, is the exact right instinct because
Speaker 1: you've got zero chance of influence of changing this person
Speaker 1: right and it and it seems like she doesn't want
Speaker 1: to be changed her influence. So this is where you
Speaker 1: need to step away, because this is this person is
Speaker 1: not operating in the same the same wheel house that
Speaker 1: you are. The only thing you can do and it'll hurt,
Speaker 1: And I think that's okay. Yeah, And it's not like you.
Speaker 1: It's not like I don't want my ex t have
Speaker 1: friends like I want him, like I'm happy he's got
Speaker 1: friends and all that. It's just someone that I confided
Speaker 1: in some of the worst things possible. It would want
Speaker 1: us direct like that is just like I just felt
Speaker 1: like such a slap in the face. And also like
Speaker 1: I will say to like, we had talked about another
Speaker 1: friendship on here and um kind of around the same
Speaker 1: similar ish situation, and her friend had reached out to
Speaker 1: me saying, like, you know, I really would love for
Speaker 1: you guys to reconcile and I'm like I just at
Speaker 1: this point, like again like I'm I'm I don't want
Speaker 1: that kind of energy of a friend to have that
Speaker 1: um to be that way because I was. It's just
Speaker 1: it's just like I just don't. I just don't want it.
Speaker 1: It's like I don't I have enough, Like I've got
Speaker 1: my queendom five beautiful you know, best best friends like those,
Speaker 1: And there's a few people that touch that at that
Speaker 1: outer line that I, you know, stay in contact with.
Speaker 1: But it's like those are the ones that like I
Speaker 1: want to like put my time into and like love
Speaker 1: and be there for and you know, the other ones
Speaker 1: are just well, and I think it can be okay
Speaker 1: to not want it. It's like we're conditioned to like
Speaker 1: we're the bad guys because we may not want that
Speaker 1: friendship anymore. That's right, you know, totally. And that's and
Speaker 1: that's why what's so much of so much of the
Speaker 1: book is about is like, let's reflect, let's do an
Speaker 1: audict to how on how we're behaving in these relationships
Speaker 1: and how we're you know, and and then be able
Speaker 1: to communicate and not feel bad about making choices right
Speaker 1: we were were nothing more than the choices we make
Speaker 1: and we're not really at dely making choices in these relationships,
Speaker 1: in these in this type of relationship, and that's a problem.
Speaker 1: I mean, jet to just like talking to where you
Speaker 1: when you when you started and we were talking, you're
Speaker 1: talking like this, and then you just went into heres.
Speaker 1: The mic is going up like this, the energetically no,
Speaker 1: and I'm not I'm not calling out. There's a world
Speaker 1: of energy around these relationships that we're not kind of
Speaker 1: it's so hard for us to process. It's so confusing
Speaker 1: because we're not talking about it in a way that
Speaker 1: we would, you know, the other types of relationships in
Speaker 1: our lives. And that's why it's so important, so that
Speaker 1: we can like feeling hey, you know, like and and
Speaker 1: and say hey, I'm operating and this is what I
Speaker 1: need and this is what I'm gonna only accept and
Speaker 1: this is you. I'd love for you to come on
Speaker 1: the ride with me, but only if we agree on
Speaker 1: kind of boundaries and standards and and and we'll agree.
Speaker 1: If it's not we're not meeting these were out of here,
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, because we can't just be suffocated
Speaker 1: by like an inaction or a fear of action or
Speaker 1: having deep owns of friendship with no way to kind
Speaker 1: of like express them and take the energy out. And
Speaker 1: the flip side of that is if we do what
Speaker 1: an amazing source of energy and positivity and support, right
Speaker 1: if we can flip the script on this, And so
Speaker 1: that's why I think it's so important. I love that. Um,
Speaker 1: we'll tell our listeners. You can get your book right
Speaker 1: on Amazon. Yeah, yeah, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Indie Books,
Speaker 1: wherever you buy books. The book is available. And I
Speaker 1: am Aaron Falconer dot com or at Aaron Falconer or
Speaker 1: at Pick the Brain. Yeah. Well, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for coming on. I cannot wait to read your book
Speaker 1: than Amazon it right now. How to break up with
Speaker 1: a friend? Thank you, Aaron, Thank you? So all right
Speaker 1: by girl, Well that was insightful. That make you feel better?
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Oh you have
Speaker 1: therapy right now. Hey, hey, excited, it's been like I
Speaker 1: feel like it's been like a month, so not so much.
Speaker 1: Sorry Amy, but it hasn't. It's only been two weeks,
Speaker 1: so it's fine, Okay, go have fun. No, thanks, we
Speaker 1: can to be continued on the rest of it, because, um,
Speaker 1: I'm exhausted. From that, it was a lot. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: not exhausted in a bad way, just like I just
Speaker 1: if I if I sit too much in that like
Speaker 1: I feel I just need to like let it go.
Speaker 1: It's easy, al right, guys chuged you next week. Thank you,