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Speaker 1: Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I heard radio podcast Katherine.

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Speaker 1: I haven't seen you in so long. It's been like

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Speaker 1: two weeks. I think it's been more than that. More.

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Speaker 1: It feels like it's been forever. Crazy setting, man, Jet,

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Speaker 1: you're all over the place. Yeah, we went it was

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Speaker 1: Cancoon and then we went to at Los Angeles and

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Speaker 1: then yeah back but I mean, you didn't do anything

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Speaker 1: for spring break, did you know? So we were just

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Speaker 1: here care like, nothing to do. It's snowed here. I

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Speaker 1: heard it was like seventy degrees and then snow. It

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Speaker 1: was crazy. It was not fun. Um My random thought

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Speaker 1: of the day is it's so annoying when your phone

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Speaker 1: doesn't charge overnight. Because now I'm like screwed this entire day.

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Speaker 1: Was it actually plugged in? He was, But the light

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Speaker 1: switch like sometimes it's turned off, which is connected to

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Speaker 1: the thing that's like one of my biggest pet Pee's

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Speaker 1: light switches that are connected to I hate him. It

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Speaker 1: was crazy because now I'm screwed. Like now I just

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Speaker 1: can't get like good, you know, I'm like I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: be reading it in a little bit and then have

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Speaker 1: to use it and yeah, because I can't just leave

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Speaker 1: it there for six hours to charge or however long

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Speaker 1: it's gonna take. Ah, that's my rooins for the day.

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Speaker 1: Your hair looks good. Thank you like it. It's long,

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Speaker 1: it's back too long. I feel like myself again. So like,

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Speaker 1: cancoon l a tell us something, give us something good? Oh?

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Speaker 1: Do you want the highs or the lows? High? Um?

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Speaker 1: Mark would go with lows? Um highs? What was the highs? Um?

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Speaker 1: I feel like I heard a lot of till already. Well,

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Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, um the highs were. It was really

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Speaker 1: fun to make some good memories with the kids. Like

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Speaker 1: all in all, they had a lot of fun, and

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Speaker 1: like all in all they had like they just looked happy.

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Speaker 1: That good. I think King Koons stressed everybody out just

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Speaker 1: because the travel getting there was not how we thought

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Speaker 1: it was going to be. Um that traveled, Like traveling

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Speaker 1: with kids in general is sucky. Yeah, and then traveling

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Speaker 1: and then having like a long layover, like long like

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Speaker 1: three and a half four hour layover is not fun either.

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Speaker 1: And then you know they had woken up like three

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Speaker 1: thirty in the morning, so it was just a very

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Speaker 1: long day. And then poor Jason, my sweet little JS,

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Speaker 1: like got this tick from traveling, So it started with traveling.

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Speaker 1: So what he would do is like, so he's got SPD,

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Speaker 1: which we took him the doctors and she confirmed. She's like,

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Speaker 1: you know, you can take into a specialist. Like a

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Speaker 1: lot of kids can outgrow it, but with SPD, it's

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Speaker 1: a sensory processing disorder. My thing, Like I've done so

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Speaker 1: much research on it. They're saying it's there's an a

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Speaker 1: lot of kids that have SPD have autism. So what

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Speaker 1: her main not concerned earn because you know whatever, but

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Speaker 1: like she's just like, let's check off the autism off

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Speaker 1: the list first. And so she was doing like a

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Speaker 1: few things in the office with him, and she's just like,

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Speaker 1: I just don't think he's even like near the spectrum

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Speaker 1: because you know, he's so like engaging and cuddly and

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Speaker 1: like wants to share, and like she's like, I just

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Speaker 1: think he just has SPD. So she's like, you can

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Speaker 1: do these like techniques and tricks and you can bring

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Speaker 1: him to a specialist. And I was like, well, let's

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Speaker 1: let me just like keep doing what I'm doing because

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Speaker 1: it seems to be working. Um, but like for example,

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Speaker 1: like when he puts on a shirt and like there's

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Speaker 1: this one texture of this Zara sweat trip that he

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Speaker 1: has that's a little like it's up soft, it's like

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Speaker 1: a little rougher it. It's it's like, you know, like

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Speaker 1: those recycled water bottles like feel sweat shirts. I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: want to wear an I don't either, but like you know,

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Speaker 1: he's he's when he when he feels that, he goes

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Speaker 1: he goes like this with his shoulders and he like

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Speaker 1: shrugs his shoulders and he's like, I don't like the

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Speaker 1: you don't like how feel, and he freaks out. I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: let's take it off. All good. But now I'm like

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Speaker 1: before I give him a shirt, I'm like, hey, Buddy Field,

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Speaker 1: this do you like this? Can we put this on you?

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Speaker 1: And then like but if there's a tag, I have

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Speaker 1: to immediately cut off the tag because like that bothers him.

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Speaker 1: So he started shrugging his shoulders because he wanted to

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Speaker 1: see and if the shirt doesn't fit him, like he'll

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Speaker 1: go like too big, too big. And I'm like, baby,

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Speaker 1: it's a three T like it fits you perfectly. But

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Speaker 1: I'm like all right, so I go back down to

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Speaker 1: like a two tea to like something that was like

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Speaker 1: more like snug on him. That feels like more like

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Speaker 1: comfort because they say like again kids with SPD have

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Speaker 1: really bad or high anxiety, so um, just to calm

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Speaker 1: them down, you know, I put my hands like now

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Speaker 1: on his shoulder just to like kind of like you know,

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Speaker 1: almost like my weighted blankets. That's gonna ask so um

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Speaker 1: he started shrugging like that, but it would would only

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Speaker 1: just to be his like fit, like to see if

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Speaker 1: it fits him, and then it wouldn't. He wouldn't like

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Speaker 1: continue on doing it. So the next day in King Kon,

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Speaker 1: I started noticing him like shrugging his shoulders but like

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Speaker 1: every two seconds, and I was like, hey, Ian, like

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Speaker 1: clock that look at that, and he's like, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: noticed it too. Um He's like I saw him do

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Speaker 1: it actually in the air porestrisk Oh I didn't see that.

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Speaker 1: So it's like again like anxiety or whatever that comes

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Speaker 1: up for him. But I mean he did it, so

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Speaker 1: I mean it was like two seven and I was

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Speaker 1: just like, oh my gosh. And that's when I was like,

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Speaker 1: is you know, like does he need to go? Like

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Speaker 1: do I have to take him somewhere? But then you

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Speaker 1: said that someone. Yeah, so Ammy had like a blinking tick.

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Speaker 1: She blinked all the time. Um. And I think she

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Speaker 1: was four or so because I think I remember the

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Speaker 1: pediatrician saying, if it's just like a like an anxious

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Speaker 1: thing or you know whatever, like a coping or whatever,

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Speaker 1: usually it clears by six. I want to say it

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Speaker 1: was the number. I could be wrong, but there was

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Speaker 1: like an age that he's like, so just wait it out.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to call it out, just like kind

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Speaker 1: of let it be. And it was about that time

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Speaker 1: that it just kind of stopped interesting. So I think

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Speaker 1: I saw it in somewhat anxious time. She's not really

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Speaker 1: an anxious child though, but it would be kind of

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Speaker 1: like stressful times or tired or whatever. And then she

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Speaker 1: had another friend that had that did the same thing.

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Speaker 1: So I mean, I think it's more common than you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: because I was I started lynn. I looked into it

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Speaker 1: because if people are like, hey, that's what my son does,

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Speaker 1: and he has tourettes, so I'm like, okay, like I'm gonna,

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Speaker 1: you know, kind of keep an eye on it. Um.

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Speaker 1: But then I then I and I are talking and

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Speaker 1: I was like, well, do you have any ticks? I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I have a tick. I was like if you ever

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Speaker 1: noticed my tick? Like and so it's and I guess

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Speaker 1: he had one too. He used to scrunch his nose.

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Speaker 1: Oh I did that when I was sugar, and he's

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Speaker 1: like I had to physically be like stop because it

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Speaker 1: just like I would do it all the time. And

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Speaker 1: then like same with mine, like you know mine, but

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Speaker 1: like I like scratched my nose and left my eyes up.

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Speaker 1: But it's like I do it when I'm stressed. It

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Speaker 1: only comes when I'm like super stressed. And then like

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Speaker 1: when I'm not, I'm like, okay, I can control it,

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Speaker 1: but it's just like this weird like yeah. But then

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Speaker 1: I but I did start crying though in kin Kung

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Speaker 1: because I was like how did I mess? You know,

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Speaker 1: I'm like it's I was like so stressed and he

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Speaker 1: probably felt my stress and I'm a bad mom and

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Speaker 1: like you know, like but we just go straight to

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Speaker 1: like it's my fault and like my kid is having

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Speaker 1: now he now has this syndrome or tick thing because

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Speaker 1: I was yelling at everybody the airport because I was

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Speaker 1: so stressed. My stress then went on like my kids,

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Speaker 1: So has it slowed down or is he still doing it?

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Speaker 1: So now it's just his right one. Now he'll just

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Speaker 1: kind of like right shoulder ticket and I just, I

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Speaker 1: mean everything, I got it again. I read it was like,

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Speaker 1: don't call attention to it. When I do see him,

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Speaker 1: I just like squeeze him. I give him like a

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Speaker 1: like a good big hug. But um, it has slowed down. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I feel like it'll go through kind of seasons in

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Speaker 1: a way. I remember that with Ammy, Like we've only

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Speaker 1: never had one, so this is like that what was

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Speaker 1: I haven't noticed it on any of the other kids,

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Speaker 1: but there might not be as obvious. I mean, the

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Speaker 1: blinking was so obvious. Shrugging is so obvious, you know.

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Speaker 1: So I can remember there was like times where she

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Speaker 1: did it all the time and times I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: she's not really doing it, you know. So it kind

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Speaker 1: of comes and goes to I feel like, yeah, I know.

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Speaker 1: It just it just made me feel bad because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you know, you know, and then I start to think,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, you don't want anything, so I kinn't want

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Speaker 1: kids to make fun of him. Yeah, So then I

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Speaker 1: started to get sad about that, and I'm like, I

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Speaker 1: don't know which also speaking of Jay's, He's got that

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Speaker 1: thing on his head, the subacious nevus um and I

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Speaker 1: was looking. So he needs to get it removed because

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Speaker 1: it could turn into skin cancer. So I have it

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Speaker 1: scheduled to do it, but he can't eat or drink

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Speaker 1: past midnight. His surgery is not till ten. So I've

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Speaker 1: been talking to my ex to be like when he

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Speaker 1: wants water or his bar, like he loves those little

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Speaker 1: cliff bars, like in the morning, like he's hungry, like

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Speaker 1: he's nothing. I'm like, he's not going to understand that,

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Speaker 1: Like he can't have this. Can you reschedule it for earlier?

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Speaker 1: I I could, I could actually actually I should ask

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Speaker 1: for that. I would um. But if not, I'm almost

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Speaker 1: thinking like it doesn't hurt to wait, it just hurts

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Speaker 1: it like he has it for a little long long.

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Speaker 1: I'm almost thinking like if I can't reschedule, I'm like

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Speaker 1: I might just do it like Jolie's age, I can

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Speaker 1: be like, hey, babe, like you can't or you'll throw up.

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Speaker 1: I mean all my kids when they had Kayden had

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Speaker 1: a mole removed, Amy had tubes. They were all really early,

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Speaker 1: like we woke them up. They went in their pajamas

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Speaker 1: and we got there. I'm gonna call on us because

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Speaker 1: I just I'm like I told my X, I was like,

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Speaker 1: I just don't want that for him because he's not

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Speaker 1: going to understand. And I can't, Like as a I

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Speaker 1: feel like selfishly as a mom, like I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: if if I can, he doesn't, it doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: be done right now. Like I have no kids that

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Speaker 1: get it done when they're like twelve, but like I

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Speaker 1: just like I can't. I can't handle seeing my kid upset. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I mean I get it. I think that's tough.

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Speaker 1: I mean, that's for sure tough. And if it's okay

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Speaker 1: to wait, I don't see why not. But okay, Kin

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Speaker 1: was fun. He was just like it was is really

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Speaker 1: windy in Cancun, and so again for a sensory kid,

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Speaker 1: it was like that was his worst nightmare and my

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Speaker 1: worst nightmare. And it was like, you know, I definitely

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Speaker 1: put my stress because I can't. It's hard for me

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Speaker 1: to communicate to everyone around me that like I need

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Speaker 1: a break, But I'm like, who can I ask for

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Speaker 1: a break. It's not Ian's kid, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: So it was like how did that? How did that?

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Speaker 1: How does that work? Well? No, it's it's hard. And

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Speaker 1: that's like where I was like, it just was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, he's got his kid, I've got it. Was

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Speaker 1: it was the first time. It was like the first

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Speaker 1: like of course it was going to be um stressful

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Speaker 1: in certain situations, but I mean, bless him, Like he's

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Speaker 1: just like, what do you, like, how can I help you?

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Speaker 1: Like I I want to help, and I'm like, but

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Speaker 1: for me, it's hard to ask when it's like, Jason,

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Speaker 1: isn't your son? Jason like word like it's it was

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Speaker 1: if you were my ex, and my ex wold no,

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Speaker 1: like just to give me a break or like he'll

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Speaker 1: take him or whatever. But it's like, you're not going

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Speaker 1: to come take j is for me when he's screaming crying,

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Speaker 1: like he's obviously gonna want mom or his dad, right,

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Speaker 1: So it's like but then I'm like I need a

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Speaker 1: break because I'm exhausted because I've dealt with him now

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Speaker 1: for the last two days from like the plane and

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Speaker 1: now he's like screaming crying because it's windy out yeah

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Speaker 1: you know, So it's like it puts and I was

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Speaker 1: like telling our therapist this amy. I was just like,

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Speaker 1: it's just so hard to ask when I'm like, it's

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Speaker 1: not because the end of the day, he's gonna go

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Speaker 1: to his kid. I'm gonna go to my two kids.

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Speaker 1: And that's one of your things what to ask for help.

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Speaker 1: It's so hard because I want can't you say that

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Speaker 1: I need a break from this kid? You know. The

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Speaker 1: problem though, is that he really just wants you, so

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Speaker 1: you just have to go away, right. That's the hard

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Speaker 1: part because again, if my ex was there, that's and

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Speaker 1: that's where like that and that's where it's like I missed,

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Speaker 1: like my family got it. It's like I don't miss

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Speaker 1: like if someone told me, they're like because I hadn't

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Speaker 1: you know, I struggled with obviously, I cried before I left.

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Speaker 1: It was it's more just like the family dynamic of

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Speaker 1: being able to help and being able to like that

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Speaker 1: is a huge piece of that because if he was

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Speaker 1: Mike was there, like he had got him or whatever

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Speaker 1: and helped and like and I know in time like

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Speaker 1: hopefully like the blended family, like who knows, like if

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Speaker 1: we right so well And also it's kind of like

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Speaker 1: you're still a single mom, yeah, but you have a

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Speaker 1: boyfriend who has a kid. It's tricky. I've been wondering

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Speaker 1: how that works because that would be hard. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: it's hard. Don't take time. And I just I would

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Speaker 1: love to like see, like I'd love to like talk

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Speaker 1: to like someone because I don't really know anyone in

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Speaker 1: that situation or like how they deal with it or

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Speaker 1: how they like, you know. And and for me, I

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Speaker 1: was just like, it just feels so separate and like

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Speaker 1: not like. And I know again like maybe in time,

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Speaker 1: if we were to like ever really to become like

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Speaker 1: and it became you know, more serious or whatever, like

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Speaker 1: it would feel different. But and maybe it was just

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Speaker 1: the first time, but it just felt like it made

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Speaker 1: me miss like my family right quote unquote right because

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Speaker 1: it's different. It's very different. Yeah, And I'm like, is

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Speaker 1: it always going to feel this way? Um? So one

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Speaker 1: of the days and then I think too, was like

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Speaker 1: the weather. It was ter it was so bad, it

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Speaker 1: was like cold and like, and then there was like

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Speaker 1: one nice day and I was just of course, this

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Speaker 1: is what I do. I like and we're trying to

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Speaker 1: stop the process and therapy, but I like build and

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Speaker 1: then I explode and um, and then you know, and

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Speaker 1: then it's regretting, I'm sorry and whatever, and she's like,

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Speaker 1: you gotta somewhere in there like asked for what you

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Speaker 1: need or like. So I'm just like, it would be

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Speaker 1: really nice, like when I bring up Ja's for his nap,

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Speaker 1: because I'm like, you know, I gotta go to the

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Speaker 1: naps and then I'm away for two It's like I

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Speaker 1: would like to also enjoy this one beautiful day of sun,

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Speaker 1: right you know. And he was just like, well, how

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Speaker 1: about like you go up there right now and then

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Speaker 1: I'll come like re leave you in an hour. And

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Speaker 1: I was just like, yeah, that'd be great. So but

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Speaker 1: it was hard. Anyways, we will get back to that.

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Speaker 1: We'll talk about the rest of the trip. But we

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Speaker 1: have um Aaron in the waiting room, and UM very timely,

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Speaker 1: very excited to get her on. But first she wrote

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Speaker 1: a book, by the way, her name is Aaron Falconer. Um.

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Speaker 1: It's called How to Break Up with Your Friends, which,

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Speaker 1: again interesting timing, but I will let's take a break

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Speaker 1: and then we'll get her on. Hi. Hi, Hi, Oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, you're so like good energy, good like maybe

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Speaker 1: it's the yellow but like you just look happy. Oh.

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Speaker 1: Thanks I didn't know if this was too bright for today.

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Speaker 1: But also I'm a little tired, so I was like,

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Speaker 1: it's like when we put on red lipstick when we

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Speaker 1: have no makeup on or haven't showered. But it's like, ye,

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Speaker 1: do I do a pop of bread or the yellow?

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Speaker 1: I couldn't do both, so that that is true. You

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Speaker 1: have to It's like pick one or the other. Um, no,

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Speaker 1: you look great. It's so funny because I feel like

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Speaker 1: this is such like um god timing with things like

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Speaker 1: having you on because I just went through something that

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Speaker 1: actually I told Ian aboutlast night. I started crying and

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Speaker 1: because I was just like talking about it. But it

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Speaker 1: was about breaking up with a friend, and so when

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Speaker 1: I looked at the rundown, I was like, you guys,

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Speaker 1: I was like, this is like insane. But now you're

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Speaker 1: on the podcast, so very good. You manifested the answers

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Speaker 1: to your problems. I did, um, and what we've kind

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Speaker 1: of talked about, like we've just I don't know, it

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Speaker 1: almost feels like when we get older, it's like we

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Speaker 1: have like I don't know, when I was younger, I

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Speaker 1: just kind of kept friends around even when they were

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Speaker 1: like not good right, right, But it's like as you

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Speaker 1: get older, it almost feels like it's like I don't

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Speaker 1: have time for this, or it's not serving me, or

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Speaker 1: it's you know whatever. Yeah, well, I mean I think

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Speaker 1: the thing is is like the big problem is that

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Speaker 1: we the reason we keep friends around a lot longer

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Speaker 1: than we should. Well Number one is we don't really

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Speaker 1: think of this group of relationships in the way with

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Speaker 1: think of like romantic partnerships or family relationships, which you

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Speaker 1: know they require work and you know they're hard, but

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Speaker 1: they're great. We just think of friendships is something that

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Speaker 1: is like a category of relationships that are like nice

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Speaker 1: to have and kind of should give, give, give, and

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Speaker 1: if they're not, we just kind of like look the

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Speaker 1: other way. Um, but that's a real missed opportunity, because

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Speaker 1: any relationship worth anything is worth the work and and

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Speaker 1: the assessment, and just like taking inventory and stock of

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Speaker 1: the people in your life is is really helpful because

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Speaker 1: we've got all of these energies in our worlds that

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Speaker 1: we're not necessarily paying attention to, but they're either draining

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Speaker 1: or giving energy, and so you want to like take

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Speaker 1: an audit of the people in your world and say

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Speaker 1: what relationships are bringing the energy and what are either

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Speaker 1: just like I'm numb too, or they're taking energy, and

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Speaker 1: then be kind of intentional about moving more people into

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Speaker 1: your world who are bringing energy and less that are

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Speaker 1: like no more new or taking. Do you have an

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Speaker 1: example that kind of inspired you to write this book. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So I was sitting waiting for my friend um, who

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Speaker 1: on paper I would have said was one of my

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Speaker 1: best friends in the world. You know, if somebody said, oh,

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Speaker 1: you know so and so, I'd be like, she's like

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Speaker 1: my best friend. Uh. And I was sitting waiting for her,

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Speaker 1: and she she lives on the east side of Los Angeles.

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Speaker 1: I live on the west side, and so it's always

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Speaker 1: like a huge kind of commute and to meet each other,

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Speaker 1: and without fail, she is like thirty minutes like every

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Speaker 1: single time. And what I realized as I was sitting

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Speaker 1: waiting for her for like the you know, twenty millionth time,

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Speaker 1: was that I had built up all of these kind

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Speaker 1: of like frustrations and irritations with her, and so over

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Speaker 1: time this kind of chasm had grown between us where

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Speaker 1: I realized that I was like, she she kept wanting

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Speaker 1: to meet and you know, hang out, and I was

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Speaker 1: like putting greater and greater distance between the times we

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Speaker 1: were meeting and um and and I had this epiphany

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Speaker 1: when I was sitting there, and I was just like, I,

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Speaker 1: I are we good friends. I don't even know for

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Speaker 1: good friends anymore, Like we're kind of going through the motions.

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Speaker 1: But again, there's like such distance between each time we

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Speaker 1: see each other. I'm irritated every time she shows up

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Speaker 1: late and then spends ten minutes, you know, telling me

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Speaker 1: why she was late and didda, and like I don't

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Speaker 1: you know, I don't now have wasted more time. And

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Speaker 1: so it was kind of out of that. But then

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Speaker 1: I was like, h okay, this is odd. And then

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Speaker 1: I started looking at all of my friendships and the

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Speaker 1: kind of biggest light bulb went off for me when

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Speaker 1: I was like, I've never done this before, and this

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Speaker 1: is weird because we are a culture that is obsessed

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Speaker 1: with information, right, Like we know every calorie we're eating,

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Speaker 1: every grandma fat, grandma protein. We wear watches to tell

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Speaker 1: us every step we're taking, like need to track, you know,

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Speaker 1: midnight steps to the bathroom to take a pee, Like

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Speaker 1: don't want to miss a step. Marie Condo has taught

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Speaker 1: us to like hold up a chair or a sweater

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Speaker 1: and say does this bring me joy? And yet the

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Speaker 1: people in our lives, like the people you know, like

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Speaker 1: the most important thing, um, just never really considered like

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Speaker 1: they're kind of they're a lot of them legacy friendships.

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Speaker 1: And it's like obviously people that are involved interested in

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Speaker 1: self growth or you know, evolving, you're going to change

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Speaker 1: over time. And so the idea that you wouldn't check

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Speaker 1: in and see where the other those relations if those

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Speaker 1: relationships have evolved with you or not, is is a

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Speaker 1: really missed opportunity, right because a lot of times not

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Speaker 1: even if somebody's gone in uh, it's not necessarily a

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Speaker 1: bad direction and you're going in a good direction. They're

397
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Speaker 1: just different directions, right, um. And so you need to

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Speaker 1: be checking in and saying, hm hmm, you know, does

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Speaker 1: this still serve me in this relationship? And do I

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Speaker 1: still of it? And um, you know, oftentimes the answer

401
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:08,199
Speaker 1: that question is not really you know. And so the

402
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,760
Speaker 1: book is not necessarily about going through your contact list

403
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Speaker 1: with a machete and just cutting people out of your life. Yeah, yeah,

404
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:20,720
Speaker 1: exactly so, but it is about having like an awareness

405
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,119
Speaker 1: and a sense of the energy is really operating in

406
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Speaker 1: your world, and I think we need that more now

407
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,520
Speaker 1: than ever. And if we're really intentional with this group

408
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,960
Speaker 1: of people, your friends, I think you create a really

409
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:39,320
Speaker 1: amazing um support system. You have the opportunity to really

410
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:43,840
Speaker 1: feel seen, to really take foster positive energy that then

411
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Speaker 1: you take out into the rest of your world and

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Speaker 1: the rest of your relationships. And I think there's like

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Speaker 1: an amazing kind of domino effect. But right now we're

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Speaker 1: just kind of dialing things in unless some major problem

415
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Speaker 1: comes up, and then often it's too late. M hm.

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Speaker 1: The legacy friendship isn't interesting because I was talking with

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Speaker 1: her friend the other day at the nail salon and

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Speaker 1: she was like, she basically went on a vacation with

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Speaker 1: someone that she has always said her entire life was

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Speaker 1: my best friend. You know, She's like, it was just

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00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:16,600
Speaker 1: we have such a past legacy friendship. But she's like

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Speaker 1: she's like I almost sat there and was like, would

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Speaker 1: I be friends with this person today if I met

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Speaker 1: them today? And it's just so interesting, and you know,

425
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,280
Speaker 1: I I, you know, we all have like those friends

426
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:31,639
Speaker 1: from our past and because we have grown and evolve

427
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,000
Speaker 1: so much when you're not around them, and then you

428
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,800
Speaker 1: get back together with them. It is that kind of

429
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:39,720
Speaker 1: like would would I want to hang out with you today? Right? Yeah?

430
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:41,760
Speaker 1: But it's like, but I've always called you my best friends,

431
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,440
Speaker 1: so I guess you're my best friend, you know. And

432
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,040
Speaker 1: what I always say is like length of time of

433
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,879
Speaker 1: a relationship is not a strong enough motivation to stay

434
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:54,720
Speaker 1: in it. Um. You know, it's great. And if you

435
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,480
Speaker 1: some of those legacy friendships, if you're in contact with them,

436
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,800
Speaker 1: if you are on the same page, even if you're

437
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,680
Speaker 1: not seeing them all the time, but when you do connect,

438
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,280
Speaker 1: it brings up a great sense of a step in

439
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:09,199
Speaker 1: nostalgia or joy or you know whatever, then great. You know.

440
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,280
Speaker 1: It's not that you necessarily have to see these people all,

441
00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:13,840
Speaker 1: you know, all the time. But if you if you

442
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:18,439
Speaker 1: are in a situation where you're like, uh, like I

443
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:22,439
Speaker 1: don't see any common ground here or um, it's just

444
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:27,919
Speaker 1: we're in two different spaces to really connect, then you

445
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,320
Speaker 1: know there's something to talk about. And look, there's a

446
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,120
Speaker 1: there's a natural There can be a natural kind of

447
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,639
Speaker 1: like you just kind of drift apart, and that's fine,

448
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,400
Speaker 1: you know, because the expectation or the understanding is kind

449
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,600
Speaker 1: of unspoken, but it is the same you are on

450
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,239
Speaker 1: kind of the same it's subconscious, but you're kind of

451
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,560
Speaker 1: just drifting in different directions. The problem is, I think

452
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:51,920
Speaker 1: we all have, um, you know, the these friendships that

453
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,800
Speaker 1: there may be from a different place in space and time,

454
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,480
Speaker 1: and you would be happy to let something drift out,

455
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,120
Speaker 1: but they keep trying to age you. And that's where

456
00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:03,520
Speaker 1: the expectation or you know, hang out or you know,

457
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:06,200
Speaker 1: talk on the phone, and you're like putting them off

458
00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:09,600
Speaker 1: or or feeling irritated by the request, and so they're

459
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,560
Speaker 1: the expectation isn't the same. And that's when I think

460
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,200
Speaker 1: you kind of have to do something about it. Because

461
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:21,199
Speaker 1: often those relationships were really good, really formative, really you know,

462
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,840
Speaker 1: and really speak to a specific time of who you were,

463
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,239
Speaker 1: and that's a great memory. But if we let it

464
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,640
Speaker 1: drag out, um, and then again we have these built

465
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 1: up kind of resentiments or irritations were guilt because we're

466
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,800
Speaker 1: not wanting to hang out with that person. That becomes

467
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:38,440
Speaker 1: the dominating memory, you know, and the dominating tech away

468
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:42,719
Speaker 1: from the relationship, dominating kind of emotion as opposed to

469
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,480
Speaker 1: like it's you know, if you if you kind of

470
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,200
Speaker 1: ended or separate consciously from this person, then the good

471
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,560
Speaker 1: memory is still and the good emotions are still the

472
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,520
Speaker 1: dominating kind of force in your world, and that's what

473
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:59,720
Speaker 1: you that's where you want to be. M h. I'm curious, Cat,

474
00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:04,640
Speaker 1: because you had spoken about your kind of um friendship

475
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,159
Speaker 1: that is m hm do you does you? Does it? Like?

476
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,080
Speaker 1: Where are you on it? Like is it something where

477
00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:11,720
Speaker 1: it's like you want to reach out again? Is it

478
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 1: something where it's like you want to fix the relationship

479
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,399
Speaker 1: because it has it was a it was like a

480
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:19,359
Speaker 1: legacy friendship for sure. It's hard because there was a

481
00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:21,440
Speaker 1: little bit of a natural Like you said, there was

482
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,000
Speaker 1: kind of the natural um you know, we'd see each

483
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 1: other every couple of months or whatever. But then there

484
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,239
Speaker 1: was like one thing that did happen, and so, like

485
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,879
Speaker 1: you said, that's our memory at this point. Our memory

486
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,359
Speaker 1: is that I got upset about something to me, she

487
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 1: didn't respond well, and it just kind of then no

488
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,840
Speaker 1: one ever, like we're not speaking to each other now.

489
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:45,000
Speaker 1: So it's kind of like I wish it could have

490
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,439
Speaker 1: I wish we could have handled it before then, I

491
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,560
Speaker 1: guess um, because at that point then the bond isn't

492
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,439
Speaker 1: strong enough to to probably even do the work to

493
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 1: resolve this thing because of what are you resolving back

494
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 1: to a place where you kind of want to drift

495
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,439
Speaker 1: away anyways. Yeah, there's a lot of resolved energy around that,

496
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 1: you know, a lot of unresolved feelings, right, and it's hard.

497
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,240
Speaker 1: It's hard when you do grow up, and it's like,

498
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,959
Speaker 1: you know, in this relationship, I feel like in a

499
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,080
Speaker 1: lot of relationships, not just this one. I feel like,

500
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,239
Speaker 1: sometimes I know what I need to do to make

501
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,040
Speaker 1: it better, whether it was my fault or not. I'll

502
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,480
Speaker 1: say I'm sorry. But now it's like I've gotten to

503
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,480
Speaker 1: an age where I'm like, I don't want to just

504
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:26,639
Speaker 1: go say I'm sorry. I want her to say I'm sorry,

505
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:29,600
Speaker 1: you know. So I think I'm just at a point

506
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,560
Speaker 1: where I'm just like, you know, it doesn't really serve

507
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:33,920
Speaker 1: and it may not serve her either, you know. I

508
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,360
Speaker 1: mean that's fine. That's the thing. We we create these

509
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,719
Speaker 1: narratives in our head, like if something's not serving us,

510
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,879
Speaker 1: and instead of doing something about it, like oh, I

511
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,160
Speaker 1: can't do this, it'll be too upsetting. She was going

512
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,200
Speaker 1: through something in her life, you know, it's better maybe

513
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,439
Speaker 1: not to say something. We can just drift apart dada,

514
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,399
Speaker 1: but who knows that it just falls narratives you're creating.

515
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,120
Speaker 1: She On the other flip side of that, there also

516
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,040
Speaker 1: could be a sense of relief that this is over,

517
00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,080
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, or that you're going in

518
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:02,080
Speaker 1: different directions. So I think the assumptions we make are

519
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 1: kind of like fear based because we actually don't want

520
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,280
Speaker 1: to take the action. And when I was like writing,

521
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,879
Speaker 1: when I was like starting to think about this idea

522
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:14,800
Speaker 1: for the book, something, I'm a therapist, and something really

523
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,960
Speaker 1: dawned on me that you know, in the world of

524
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,880
Speaker 1: kind of classic therapy, there's individual therapy, there's couple therapy,

525
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,119
Speaker 1: there's family therapy, but there's no such thing really as

526
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,880
Speaker 1: friendship therapy. And I'm not suggesting friend couples run out

527
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,240
Speaker 1: and go see therapy, but what that means to me

528
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,719
Speaker 1: is that out there in the zeitgeist, there is no

529
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:38,600
Speaker 1: kind of acceptable, agreed upon language for navigating conflict in

530
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,399
Speaker 1: these relationships. There's no blueprint how to get into new ones,

531
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:44,360
Speaker 1: how to get out of old ones, and and so

532
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,879
Speaker 1: as a result of that, we often do nothing because

533
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,080
Speaker 1: we just don't have the practice or the language. And

534
00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:53,600
Speaker 1: it feels almost overtly dramatic to end something when there's

535
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,440
Speaker 1: not a big drama to end it right there feels like, oh,

536
00:26:56,480 --> 00:27:01,119
Speaker 1: that's because nobody ever does that. And and so I

537
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,720
Speaker 1: think it's important to have these conversations about like even

538
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,639
Speaker 1: though it feels awkward up front, um and and it's funny.

539
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,120
Speaker 1: And one part of the book, I literally have conversation

540
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 1: starters based on like different scenarios. And as I was writing,

541
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,240
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, this is this

542
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:18,680
Speaker 1: almost feels ridiculous. And then I but when I thought

543
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,160
Speaker 1: about it, I was like, it's not though, because nobody

544
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 1: ever says these things. And it's like the starting of

545
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,919
Speaker 1: the conversation that's the hardest. Once you get into it,

546
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,840
Speaker 1: then you whatever your personal situation just kind of comes

547
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,080
Speaker 1: letting out. But it's like, and why is this so hard?

548
00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:35,240
Speaker 1: Because there's no blueprint of how to do this in

549
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,200
Speaker 1: these this category of relationships. And I think that's why

550
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:43,360
Speaker 1: it's challenging. And I also think, you know, there's there's

551
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,640
Speaker 1: so there's one chapter. There's ten chapters in the book.

552
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,359
Speaker 1: There's one on how to break up with your friends.

553
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:51,080
Speaker 1: There's nine on the importance of really fostering great connection

554
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,120
Speaker 1: in these relationships and how to do how to do

555
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,880
Speaker 1: that and how to be better even in your relationships

556
00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:01,639
Speaker 1: that are you feel warmly about. And um, so I

557
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:05,560
Speaker 1: think that's also the important part because for example, one

558
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,960
Speaker 1: of the one of the things we need to work

559
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,199
Speaker 1: on is self advocating. And so it's like, just like

560
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,760
Speaker 1: what you were saying about the apology, the feeling confident

561
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 1: or feeling like it's fine and um, all right to say, hey, listen,

562
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,680
Speaker 1: I'm not going to apologize for something. I'm the first

563
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,320
Speaker 1: person to apologize for something when I'm wrong, and I

564
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:28,960
Speaker 1: reflect on these things and I honestly trying to assess

565
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 1: what I'm wrong. But I've just got to be clear

566
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:33,479
Speaker 1: with you I'm not I'm not going to apologize when

567
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 1: it's not when I don't feel it fault. And it's necessary.

568
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:38,640
Speaker 1: It's a requirement of this friendship for you to take

569
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 1: ownership on what I consider your bad behavior if we're

570
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:45,120
Speaker 1: going to move forward together. This is just a requirement

571
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:49,000
Speaker 1: of what any relationship takes the needs. Right, So the

572
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:52,480
Speaker 1: practicing of advocating for yourself and operating from a place

573
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,160
Speaker 1: of truth within these relationships, I think is so key

574
00:28:56,160 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 1: to number one. Just you know, fostering like really important

575
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,320
Speaker 1: strong friendships, and number two so that you don't get

576
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:06,640
Speaker 1: to a place where you need to break up right

577
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 1: literally like couples therapy. Like it's like literally is you know?

578
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:15,600
Speaker 1: I was being It's funny. I was being interviewed by

579
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:20,240
Speaker 1: um Maria Manonos the other day love her literally the

580
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:25,760
Speaker 1: absolute best, and she she's kind of the interview was

581
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,360
Speaker 1: winding out and she's like, Okay, Aaron, Aaron, I have

582
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:32,800
Speaker 1: a really good friend. And she's like, over the past

583
00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 1: two years, we've made plans like ten times, concrete plants

584
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:43,320
Speaker 1: like date time, the whole you know, location, the whole thing. Excitedly, Um,

585
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 1: both of us were engaged in sending up these plants,

586
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:47,840
Speaker 1: and the last ten times, either the night before or

587
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:51,040
Speaker 1: the morning of, the friend is send a text counseling

588
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:53,280
Speaker 1: and she's like, look, look she holds up her phone.

589
00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 1: I kind of go oh, yeah, huh, and she's like,

590
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 1: what do I do with this friend? And I'm like, Maria,

591
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 1: I've got news for you. You're not in a friendship

592
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: with this person. You're in some kind of weird relationship,

593
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,880
Speaker 1: but this is not a friend. This person is not

594
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,360
Speaker 1: committed to this relationship. She's canceling ten ten times in

595
00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,360
Speaker 1: I said, let me, let let's look at another way.

596
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 1: If this was a guy you were dating and he

597
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:16,800
Speaker 1: and she does, he'd be done after the second one,

598
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,120
Speaker 1: probably the first one. And I was like, exactly, because

599
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,680
Speaker 1: we understand collectively societially, we understand what we will take

600
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,320
Speaker 1: what we won't in these relationships. And yet, for friends, uncle,

601
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:29,520
Speaker 1: how many times we're going to let this go on

602
00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:33,120
Speaker 1: the twenty? What's the number that you would be like?

603
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 1: And it's not about Marie, it's about up. It's about everybody,

604
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 1: because we just don't have these expectations. I mean, at

605
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:40,400
Speaker 1: a certain point it would get ridiculous. And she called

606
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 1: it friend up. But why take it to that. It

607
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:46,080
Speaker 1: doesn't need to go to ten times, you know what

608
00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:48,000
Speaker 1: I mean? If you can just kind of say what

609
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,560
Speaker 1: we mean and okay, this is you've canceled three times?

610
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,560
Speaker 1: What's up? Is there a problem? I don't know about

611
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:56,040
Speaker 1: what's going on? Is that you know whatever? But just

612
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,720
Speaker 1: like addressing things as they come up. I think it's

613
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 1: really important, but we're just not in the habit of

614
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 1: doing that in these relationships. Yeah. Um, it's kind of

615
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:06,680
Speaker 1: like what I did with Sarah. Remember how like I

616
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:08,240
Speaker 1: felt like I was always inviting her and I was like,

617
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm the only one like and it's

618
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:13,280
Speaker 1: like you're always saying no. So it's like I want

619
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:14,720
Speaker 1: to keep asking, but at the same time, and then

620
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:16,600
Speaker 1: then it's like then you have a conversation. It's like

621
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 1: then you can hear what they're going through, and that's

622
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:23,960
Speaker 1: a lot or communication. Yeah, communication is yeah, key, yeah.

623
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,320
Speaker 1: And the same thing with like my legacy friend. You know,

624
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 1: I was just like when we don't I know, we

625
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:30,640
Speaker 1: don't see each other a lot, No, we don't talk

626
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:33,520
Speaker 1: a lot, but like when there's no communication and I

627
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on, I'm like, I don't, like

628
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 1: I've never liked just surface level friendships. So it's like

629
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,040
Speaker 1: and then you know, you find out that her mom

630
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 1: was really sick or and so so it's like, okay,

631
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 1: like I'm like, but like, let me in if we're

632
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:49,520
Speaker 1: still like doing this, but I think my ad no, No.

633
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,120
Speaker 1: It just leaves you guessing, and then you're you're creating

634
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,680
Speaker 1: a story of what could be happening and why. You know,

635
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 1: we're taking it personally because it feels deeply personal. Somebody's

636
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,320
Speaker 1: not responding to But a lot of times, you know,

637
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 1: it's not like using your example of you know, her

638
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 1: mother is sick, she's tending. You know, it's obviously a

639
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:11,400
Speaker 1: situation of great gravity and stress for her. Um, but

640
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:14,479
Speaker 1: you can see how they're not communicating all of a sudden.

641
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:29,520
Speaker 1: Now that's a problem. So I'm probably about to sound

642
00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 1: like a hypocrite here, but I'll explain more why I

643
00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:38,360
Speaker 1: feel that way. But when someone breaks up with a

644
00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:40,600
Speaker 1: friend but yet they're still friends, the other friends still

645
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:45,320
Speaker 1: friends with a friend, right, So like like if there's

646
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 1: three of you, Well, so I'll just I'm gonna do

647
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:49,440
Speaker 1: like two different examples and then you can get to

648
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:54,520
Speaker 1: where I'm like the hypocrite part. So I'm calling myself out. Um,

649
00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:59,240
Speaker 1: So I was friends with her friend that she has now, UM,

650
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 1: I guess essentially broken up with right now through her

651
00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:09,479
Speaker 1: So like I met her through her, right, Um, I

652
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,080
Speaker 1: don't and I know I I know she's going through

653
00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:15,000
Speaker 1: some like life changes right now. So I've and we've

654
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:18,200
Speaker 1: kind of on the same life changes and so, um

655
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:20,320
Speaker 1: I've met up with her a few times, like to

656
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:23,960
Speaker 1: kind of touch base and whatever. But I asked her

657
00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:28,840
Speaker 1: if it was okay, um, but like moving forward, like

658
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:32,360
Speaker 1: what does that look like for because on the flip side,

659
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,920
Speaker 1: I just got really upset about a friend that was

660
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,320
Speaker 1: hanging out with my ex husband and didn't tell me,

661
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:40,920
Speaker 1: and when I went to my therapist, and I will

662
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,680
Speaker 1: say that was not what actually made me the most upset,

663
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:47,040
Speaker 1: but it was still like I would have loved to

664
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 1: have found out from you and not from somebody else

665
00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:54,640
Speaker 1: telling me, and that felt and I was like and

666
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:56,600
Speaker 1: then I told my therapist and I was like why,

667
00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 1: Like why do I care? Like who, okay whatever he's

668
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:00,959
Speaker 1: hanging out with. But I'm like, it bothers me, Like

669
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,000
Speaker 1: it just bothers me, and she goes Unfortunately, She's like

670
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:07,000
Speaker 1: in those situations like you do have to pick a

671
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:11,320
Speaker 1: side mm hmm, especially with how me and my accentded

672
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:15,279
Speaker 1: and like it's not kosher in certain areas and like,

673
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:19,440
Speaker 1: you know it's But then I'm like my hypocrite for them,

674
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,560
Speaker 1: like hanging out with a friend of you know every

675
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:25,520
Speaker 1: once in a while, like to check in. Well, even

676
00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 1: though on the surface they sound like similar situations, I

677
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 1: think they are actually pretty different because of the romantic

678
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:34,960
Speaker 1: element and because not that your friend is hanging out

679
00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:37,719
Speaker 1: with your ex romantically, but it is a much more

680
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:43,600
Speaker 1: complicated situation. Um, it sounds like. Um also the fact

681
00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 1: of that, that's the fact that you weren't told about it,

682
00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:51,880
Speaker 1: So there seems like just innately, there's something to hide

683
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:54,520
Speaker 1: or something. And I'm not saying romantically, I'm just saying

684
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,439
Speaker 1: it's it's her, it's her husband. But they they're hanging

685
00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:00,680
Speaker 1: out as like a group or whatever. But still like Nick,

686
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:06,080
Speaker 1: her husband and my they would never and if even

687
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,520
Speaker 1: if we were all kosher, me and Max, like, I

688
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:11,439
Speaker 1: still think there'd be a conversation beforehand, like hey, like

689
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:16,200
Speaker 1: out of respect, yeah, exactly, But even then, I don't

690
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:20,440
Speaker 1: think did you share? Did did you tell your friend

691
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:24,680
Speaker 1: that that? Yes? So I was like, is this true

692
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:27,320
Speaker 1: that this is happening, And they're like, yeah, we hang out,

693
00:35:27,719 --> 00:35:31,399
Speaker 1: um whatever friends with some other people and you know, yes,

694
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:35,399
Speaker 1: And and I said, it really hurts my feelings that

695
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 1: you didn't you know, discuss this blah blah bla or

696
00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:41,719
Speaker 1: talk to me about it, and it out of the

697
00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,879
Speaker 1: entire conversation what hurt me the most. And like I've

698
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,759
Speaker 1: I started immediately crying to crying to my therapist about it.

699
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:51,239
Speaker 1: And then crying to my boyfriend last night. But she goes,

700
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 1: I hope she was coming from a divorced family. I

701
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:57,120
Speaker 1: hope that you can you and your ex can reconcile.

702
00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:01,000
Speaker 1: And in my mind, I'm like, no friend of mine

703
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 1: would ever want me. It was it felt like a

704
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:07,600
Speaker 1: slap in the face, like you sat on my floor

705
00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:13,080
Speaker 1: taking out pictures of our life together, me and my ex,

706
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 1: while I told you some of the worst things ever,

707
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:19,239
Speaker 1: and yet you would want me to reconcile with a

708
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:21,279
Speaker 1: man that did all those It just felt like a

709
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: slap in the face, not sing or like they didn't

710
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:27,759
Speaker 1: believe my story or just you know it didn't believe it.

711
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:30,520
Speaker 1: And so I was just like I'm done. I was like,

712
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:33,880
Speaker 1: there's no conversation needed, like and I because I'm like,

713
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:37,040
Speaker 1: I literally Pamelan. When I was telling you my best

714
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:39,600
Speaker 1: friend this, she was like, I'm gonna be honest with you.

715
00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 1: She's like, I would I couldn't be your friend if

716
00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:42,640
Speaker 1: you got back with your ex, And I go, that

717
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:46,359
Speaker 1: is more of a friend then what that friend just said.

718
00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 1: You know, and Catherine wouldn't work with me, you know.

719
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:52,840
Speaker 1: It's like, I mean, I don't that exactly she's like,

720
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:55,120
Speaker 1: if you don't get divorced, I'm not going to work

721
00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:57,200
Speaker 1: with you. And it's like, to me, that is more

722
00:36:57,239 --> 00:37:00,560
Speaker 1: of a friend than like whatever it's but it was

723
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 1: just like and so I said my piece, and I said,

724
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:06,080
Speaker 1: I don't need a response back. I'm like, it's just

725
00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:10,279
Speaker 1: it hurt really bad. But now I'm I have like

726
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,680
Speaker 1: a million questions in that. But I think the question

727
00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:15,400
Speaker 1: on the side is like, how do you walk away

728
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,760
Speaker 1: from the decision, like feeling really confident in your decision

729
00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:22,799
Speaker 1: because we have friends there, She's friends with her, My

730
00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:25,399
Speaker 1: other queendom is friends with her, you know. So it's

731
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:29,680
Speaker 1: like it's a very tricky, moving forward situation. So give

732
00:37:29,719 --> 00:37:31,920
Speaker 1: it to me. Well, well, I mean I think in

733
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:35,360
Speaker 1: this case, number one, it sounds, you know, we we

734
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:37,520
Speaker 1: could probably have a much longer conversation about this, But

735
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 1: it sounds to me that number one, this person does

736
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,960
Speaker 1: not see who you who you are at all, and

737
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:46,319
Speaker 1: she's choosing a narrative that serves her needs, which is

738
00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:51,000
Speaker 1: she needs to feel good about what she's doing. And

739
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:54,560
Speaker 1: and it's very obviously difficult to come up with a reason,

740
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:58,439
Speaker 1: you know, something reasonable how she's behaving. So she's put

741
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:02,120
Speaker 1: it back on you to you. Wouldn't it be convenient

742
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:04,520
Speaker 1: for her if you two would reconcile, right, And so

743
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,640
Speaker 1: this is her her her thing. You are not in

744
00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:11,760
Speaker 1: this equation at all, right, as far as she's concerned. Um,

745
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:14,520
Speaker 1: And so I think the thing you need to really

746
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:20,040
Speaker 1: pay attention to is just your gut reaction, your gut response,

747
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:24,040
Speaker 1: and and that's really tells you all that you need

748
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:26,960
Speaker 1: to know in terms of am I moving in the

749
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:30,520
Speaker 1: right direction? And based on everything that you've told me

750
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 1: right now, this seems like every beat you took was

751
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:38,200
Speaker 1: the right one in the sense of you confronted her,

752
00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:41,880
Speaker 1: you communicated your problem, why you are haven't we struggling

753
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,839
Speaker 1: with this? And then when her her reaction was way

754
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 1: out of line and you decided to take action around

755
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:49,919
Speaker 1: and said, well, this is this is done for me

756
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:55,200
Speaker 1: because um, there's nothing here that helps. This relationship doesn't

757
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:59,800
Speaker 1: in no way conserve me. And so what do friends

758
00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:03,720
Speaker 1: do then when other friends break up? Well, that's there

759
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:07,160
Speaker 1: that that's that then become when you take yourself add

760
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:08,799
Speaker 1: and this is hard to kind of this is hard,

761
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:11,720
Speaker 1: easier to say than to do. But when you extract

762
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 1: yourself from a situation you extracted. The people that are

763
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,120
Speaker 1: still remaining in these situates, they need to figure out

764
00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:19,920
Speaker 1: how to work around this. You've made a choice. They

765
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:21,719
Speaker 1: need to figure out how they're going to continue to

766
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:25,000
Speaker 1: operate with this person, what their own moral compasses around

767
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:29,200
Speaker 1: this person um and you know, if they are still aligned,

768
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,080
Speaker 1: and if they are and that's still a right choice

769
00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:32,879
Speaker 1: for them, then that's something they need to handle. That's

770
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:35,400
Speaker 1: not your problem. You've made the action, and that's the

771
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:38,120
Speaker 1: choices that are right for you based on the way

772
00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:40,080
Speaker 1: you feel. And it seems like a very clear vision

773
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,600
Speaker 1: of the person you want to be right now. Everything

774
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:44,400
Speaker 1: else that goes on between them and how they're going

775
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,560
Speaker 1: to operate and how they're going to operate then with

776
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:49,239
Speaker 1: you is a them thing. You need to try and

777
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,360
Speaker 1: problem solve for other people's relationships and how they're going

778
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:56,600
Speaker 1: to navigate right for you. Can be sensitively. You don't

779
00:39:56,600 --> 00:40:00,040
Speaker 1: want to be like, so you hang out you that

780
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:01,920
Speaker 1: with that person? Did they say anything about me? Did

781
00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:04,719
Speaker 1: they say you know? You don't. But you just need

782
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 1: to be conscious of separating yourself from all kind of

783
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:12,279
Speaker 1: energetic attachments to this other person and have trust and

784
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:15,080
Speaker 1: confidence that the people that are still friends with her,

785
00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:18,120
Speaker 1: are that that relationship is very strong with you, and

786
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,160
Speaker 1: they will have your back and they will operate in

787
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:24,680
Speaker 1: the best in the best manner that is respectful to you,

788
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,880
Speaker 1: while still maintaining a relationship that they hopefully, after consideration,

789
00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:31,720
Speaker 1: still feels as valuable for them with this other person.

790
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:35,120
Speaker 1: But that's of them. You have done what you need

791
00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:38,640
Speaker 1: to do. Let the chips fall where they may. Um,

792
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:41,200
Speaker 1: it's not so much like a pick sides kind of

793
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:48,560
Speaker 1: situation like you and your ex. Right, wait, well, I

794
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,160
Speaker 1: feel like you're kind of asking, like, as the other friends,

795
00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:54,360
Speaker 1: should you pick sides? Like, so this other friend that

796
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:58,840
Speaker 1: she's having an issue with, should I pick sides? You know,

797
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 1: because she's having issue and we're closer obviously, should I

798
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,120
Speaker 1: then not be friends with this other girl or her

799
00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:10,560
Speaker 1: with my other friend? Right? So are you asking me

800
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:12,960
Speaker 1: if if you need to pick sides because you're still friend? Well,

801
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:15,600
Speaker 1: I think it's kind of the same situation essentially. I

802
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:18,000
Speaker 1: guess we're both kind of in the same boat. But yeah, right,

803
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:24,320
Speaker 1: well it well, it does seem less kind of um

804
00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:28,239
Speaker 1: less emotional stakes with the friend. The first scenario you

805
00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 1: brought up with your friend because number one. You you

806
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,680
Speaker 1: asked if it was okay? Right? You said, So, that's

807
00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:37,640
Speaker 1: that's what. You're just starting with a different energy. You're

808
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:41,399
Speaker 1: just coming from a different place of honesty, and so

809
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:45,480
Speaker 1: right off the bat, the dynamic is different. You are also,

810
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:48,640
Speaker 1: it sounds like checking in with this person who, as

811
00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:52,120
Speaker 1: you said, had a similar life experience with you. It's

812
00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:54,120
Speaker 1: not like you're deeply in mention in her world. It

813
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 1: feels like a far more casual situation, like we would

814
00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,759
Speaker 1: never play three handed you without you, I would never

815
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:04,120
Speaker 1: do well and kind of answer your which I said

816
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:07,600
Speaker 1: it was totally fine, obviously, but I won't lie that

817
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:11,120
Speaker 1: it's It is hard, and I think it will be

818
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:15,600
Speaker 1: hard for you at times with certain friends that are

819
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:18,319
Speaker 1: still friends with her, if you're seeing where they're hanging

820
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,520
Speaker 1: out or whatever. It's not an easy thing for people

821
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:23,040
Speaker 1: like us that I mean, our emotional people. I mean,

822
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:26,600
Speaker 1: it's not easy. But I have a harder time with

823
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:31,120
Speaker 1: it with like another mutual friend of ours h m hmm,

824
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,480
Speaker 1: with between me no no, no no, with that person

825
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,560
Speaker 1: and another mutual friend, it's harder for me knowing that

826
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:40,760
Speaker 1: person is closer to her because I don't fully trust

827
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:45,920
Speaker 1: what she's saying, I trust you, But that is almost

828
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:48,640
Speaker 1: harder because it's like that person hasn't reached out to

829
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 1: me to see how I am. It's just so I

830
00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:54,960
Speaker 1: know she has chosen aside, and so that friendship is

831
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:58,719
Speaker 1: probably going to go. It's very clear that she has

832
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 1: chosen aside because I haven't heard from her. I know

833
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,680
Speaker 1: she's talked about it to other people, you know. I

834
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:06,880
Speaker 1: know that this friend is going through something through other people,

835
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:11,240
Speaker 1: you know. So again I think it's it can be hard,

836
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:15,520
Speaker 1: but and I think with your situation, you know, that's

837
00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:19,160
Speaker 1: a hard one. I think again because how it ended,

838
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:21,560
Speaker 1: and like how like he lied to everybody. He lied

839
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:23,839
Speaker 1: to everybody on this podcast. He I mean, he lied

840
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:25,960
Speaker 1: to it. So it's like, which is why he hasn't

841
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: reached out to your husband because they can read through

842
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:32,640
Speaker 1: the BS meter, you know. And so I'm like, you

843
00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:35,880
Speaker 1: know what, fine, you want that? Like, you know, I'm

844
00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:37,319
Speaker 1: not trying to like I don't want to not have

845
00:43:37,360 --> 00:43:40,879
Speaker 1: any friends, but it just felt very like I guess

846
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:44,239
Speaker 1: it's icky with friendships and then divorce and the whole. Yeah,

847
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:47,839
Speaker 1: you can't see how very complicated the situation is. I mean,

848
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,439
Speaker 1: just getting a little snippet, a little snapshot of what's

849
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:55,080
Speaker 1: going on here. And here's the thing. The chance of

850
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:58,520
Speaker 1: controlling somebody else's behavior and controlling an outcome with somebody

851
00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:02,719
Speaker 1: else's zero percent. The chance of controlling your own behavior.

852
00:44:04,719 --> 00:44:07,319
Speaker 1: So where you're going to spend your time and energy right,

853
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:11,040
Speaker 1: All you can do is focus on you try and

854
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:15,080
Speaker 1: operate out of a place of truth, on authenticity, and

855
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:18,560
Speaker 1: operate from that place with confidence. And you really need

856
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:23,360
Speaker 1: to let I mean, I don't want to sound flip

857
00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:25,319
Speaker 1: flippant when I say let the chips fall where they

858
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:28,920
Speaker 1: may is, but I really you have no influence on

859
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,040
Speaker 1: how these other people are going to interact. You've got

860
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:33,799
Speaker 1: no influence how your partner sitting right there is going

861
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,000
Speaker 1: to interact with this person. None. You can sit there

862
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 1: and cry, you can get excited, you can get mad,

863
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:39,920
Speaker 1: but at the end of the day, you'll have no

864
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:42,960
Speaker 1: actual impact. The only thing that you can take confidence

865
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:46,319
Speaker 1: in is how you're orienting yourself in the world. And

866
00:44:46,360 --> 00:44:48,959
Speaker 1: then and and so that's where you want to spend

867
00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:52,279
Speaker 1: the time because that's where you've got the influence, you know,

868
00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:56,080
Speaker 1: And I think that's so you're your instinct to end

869
00:44:56,120 --> 00:45:00,399
Speaker 1: it with this other person who who you know, said

870
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:02,840
Speaker 1: a terrible thing and had it's a terrible idea and

871
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,960
Speaker 1: also is operating in a shady way. Is the exact

872
00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:08,800
Speaker 1: right in this instant, is the exact right instinct because

873
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:11,920
Speaker 1: you've got zero chance of influence of changing this person

874
00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:14,719
Speaker 1: right and it and it seems like she doesn't want

875
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:17,799
Speaker 1: to be changed her influence. So this is where you

876
00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:20,000
Speaker 1: need to step away, because this is this person is

877
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:22,440
Speaker 1: not operating in the same the same wheel house that

878
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:25,080
Speaker 1: you are. The only thing you can do and it'll hurt,

879
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:28,320
Speaker 1: And I think that's okay. Yeah, And it's not like you.

880
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:29,800
Speaker 1: It's not like I don't want my ex t have

881
00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:32,120
Speaker 1: friends like I want him, like I'm happy he's got

882
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:34,240
Speaker 1: friends and all that. It's just someone that I confided

883
00:45:34,280 --> 00:45:37,759
Speaker 1: in some of the worst things possible. It would want

884
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:39,960
Speaker 1: us direct like that is just like I just felt

885
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:42,360
Speaker 1: like such a slap in the face. And also like

886
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:44,280
Speaker 1: I will say to like, we had talked about another

887
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:48,080
Speaker 1: friendship on here and um kind of around the same

888
00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:51,920
Speaker 1: similar ish situation, and her friend had reached out to

889
00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:53,880
Speaker 1: me saying, like, you know, I really would love for

890
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:56,880
Speaker 1: you guys to reconcile and I'm like I just at

891
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:59,560
Speaker 1: this point, like again like I'm I'm I don't want

892
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:02,759
Speaker 1: that kind of energy of a friend to have that

893
00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:05,640
Speaker 1: um to be that way because I was. It's just

894
00:46:05,719 --> 00:46:07,920
Speaker 1: it's just like I just don't. I just don't want it.

895
00:46:07,920 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 1: It's like I don't I have enough, Like I've got

896
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:14,239
Speaker 1: my queendom five beautiful you know, best best friends like those,

897
00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:16,440
Speaker 1: And there's a few people that touch that at that

898
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,799
Speaker 1: outer line that I, you know, stay in contact with.

899
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:21,560
Speaker 1: But it's like those are the ones that like I

900
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:26,120
Speaker 1: want to like put my time into and like love

901
00:46:26,320 --> 00:46:29,800
Speaker 1: and be there for and you know, the other ones

902
00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:32,560
Speaker 1: are just well, and I think it can be okay

903
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:35,480
Speaker 1: to not want it. It's like we're conditioned to like

904
00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:37,680
Speaker 1: we're the bad guys because we may not want that

905
00:46:37,719 --> 00:46:41,600
Speaker 1: friendship anymore. That's right, you know, totally. And that's and

906
00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:45,040
Speaker 1: that's why what's so much of so much of the

907
00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:47,360
Speaker 1: book is about is like, let's reflect, let's do an

908
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,960
Speaker 1: audict to how on how we're behaving in these relationships

909
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,680
Speaker 1: and how we're you know, and and then be able

910
00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:56,480
Speaker 1: to communicate and not feel bad about making choices right

911
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:58,879
Speaker 1: we were were nothing more than the choices we make

912
00:46:58,920 --> 00:47:02,240
Speaker 1: and we're not really at dely making choices in these relationships,

913
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:05,880
Speaker 1: in these in this type of relationship, and that's a problem.

914
00:47:05,880 --> 00:47:07,759
Speaker 1: I mean, jet to just like talking to where you

915
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:09,959
Speaker 1: when you when you started and we were talking, you're

916
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:12,319
Speaker 1: talking like this, and then you just went into heres.

917
00:47:12,360 --> 00:47:15,600
Speaker 1: The mic is going up like this, the energetically no,

918
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:18,480
Speaker 1: and I'm not I'm not calling out. There's a world

919
00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:21,239
Speaker 1: of energy around these relationships that we're not kind of

920
00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:24,279
Speaker 1: it's so hard for us to process. It's so confusing

921
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,960
Speaker 1: because we're not talking about it in a way that

922
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:29,719
Speaker 1: we would, you know, the other types of relationships in

923
00:47:29,719 --> 00:47:32,040
Speaker 1: our lives. And that's why it's so important, so that

924
00:47:32,080 --> 00:47:36,439
Speaker 1: we can like feeling hey, you know, like and and

925
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:38,560
Speaker 1: and say hey, I'm operating and this is what I

926
00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:41,239
Speaker 1: need and this is what I'm gonna only accept and

927
00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:43,200
Speaker 1: this is you. I'd love for you to come on

928
00:47:43,239 --> 00:47:45,600
Speaker 1: the ride with me, but only if we agree on

929
00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:49,960
Speaker 1: kind of boundaries and standards and and and we'll agree.

930
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:52,839
Speaker 1: If it's not we're not meeting these were out of here,

931
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:55,960
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, because we can't just be suffocated

932
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:58,960
Speaker 1: by like an inaction or a fear of action or

933
00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:01,719
Speaker 1: having deep owns of friendship with no way to kind

934
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:04,799
Speaker 1: of like express them and take the energy out. And

935
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,319
Speaker 1: the flip side of that is if we do what

936
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:12,600
Speaker 1: an amazing source of energy and positivity and support, right

937
00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:14,839
Speaker 1: if we can flip the script on this, And so

938
00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:17,719
Speaker 1: that's why I think it's so important. I love that. Um,

939
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:19,759
Speaker 1: we'll tell our listeners. You can get your book right

940
00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:26,240
Speaker 1: on Amazon. Yeah, yeah, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Indie Books,

941
00:48:26,239 --> 00:48:29,600
Speaker 1: wherever you buy books. The book is available. And I

942
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:33,239
Speaker 1: am Aaron Falconer dot com or at Aaron Falconer or

943
00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:35,440
Speaker 1: at Pick the Brain. Yeah. Well, thank you so much

944
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:37,440
Speaker 1: for coming on. I cannot wait to read your book

945
00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:41,440
Speaker 1: than Amazon it right now. How to break up with

946
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:44,840
Speaker 1: a friend? Thank you, Aaron, Thank you? So all right

947
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:48,600
Speaker 1: by girl, Well that was insightful. That make you feel better?

948
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:57,719
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Oh you have

949
00:48:57,760 --> 00:49:02,239
Speaker 1: therapy right now. Hey, hey, excited, it's been like I

950
00:49:02,280 --> 00:49:04,879
Speaker 1: feel like it's been like a month, so not so much.

951
00:49:05,160 --> 00:49:08,279
Speaker 1: Sorry Amy, but it hasn't. It's only been two weeks,

952
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:12,759
Speaker 1: so it's fine, Okay, go have fun. No, thanks, we

953
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:17,680
Speaker 1: can to be continued on the rest of it, because, um,

954
00:49:17,719 --> 00:49:22,160
Speaker 1: I'm exhausted. From that, it was a lot. Yeah. Um,

955
00:49:22,160 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 1: not exhausted in a bad way, just like I just

956
00:49:25,719 --> 00:49:28,000
Speaker 1: if I if I sit too much in that like

957
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:29,759
Speaker 1: I feel I just need to like let it go.

958
00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:37,160
Speaker 1: It's easy, al right, guys chuged you next week. Thank you,