WEBVTT - #151 A husband confesses his darkest secrets & dealing with PTSD 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:08.080 And the reaction he gets through this huge transformation, as 0:00:08.080 --> 0:00:12.440 you say, I have no desire to stay in this 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:16.840 marriage or fight for it. You have broken vows with 0:00:16.920 --> 0:00:21.840 me that you cannot heal and I cannot forgive you 0:00:21.960 --> 0:00:27.320 of And because I will not and cannot forgive you 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:32.479 of this, I went out. I want nothing to do 0:00:32.560 --> 0:00:46.360 with you. You animal? What's up? Guys, Welcome to the podcast. 0:00:46.400 --> 0:00:49.200 Thank you for listening and watching wherever you're coming from. 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:53.560 In this format, I answer your questions. You asked the question, 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:58.240 email me Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. I put 0:00:58.240 --> 0:01:00.280 it in the queue and we get to it. It 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:02.600 could be about anything. There are no rules. I ask 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:06.600 two things. Guidelines don't ask the same thing twice, don't 0:01:06.600 --> 0:01:09.759 send multiple emails, and don't make it too much longer 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:12.880 than the screen of your phone itself. Otherwise it's a 0:01:12.920 --> 0:01:15.000 little bit too long to read. In this kind of format, 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:17.080 we'll talk about it long form, like we're sitting in 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:20.400 a truck. You asked me a question. I'm not always right, 0:01:20.920 --> 0:01:23.720 but I'll give you the best advice, like we're buddies. Okay, 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:28.000 First question, cueued up. Subject line says, I don't know 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:31.480 if my best friend wants me in her life. Dear Granger, 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:34.200 love the music in the podcast, Please keep me Anonymous. 0:01:34.560 --> 0:01:37.040 My best friend and I have been hanging out consistently 0:01:37.120 --> 0:01:41.480 since last year, since we became extremely close. For the 0:01:41.560 --> 0:01:44.920 last month, she's become very distant and recently recognized it 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:46.759 and said that she really doesn't want to hang out 0:01:46.800 --> 0:01:49.520 with anybody at the moment. She seems like she's going 0:01:49.600 --> 0:01:53.160 through something but won't tell me and has only been 0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:56.360 contacting me recently when she needs my help. She's been 0:01:56.440 --> 0:01:58.680 questioning if she wants me in her life or not. 0:01:59.360 --> 0:02:02.600 I want her in and it's been killing me because 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:05.520 we've been as close as we were over the past 0:02:05.520 --> 0:02:08.880 few years. I feel like she does. I feel like 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:11.239 she does want me because I know the girl who 0:02:11.360 --> 0:02:14.200 is in there, and she's my best friend. I just 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:15.679 want to find out a way to bring her back. 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:18.880 I'm a guy. By the way, it says, all right, 0:02:18.880 --> 0:02:21.960 thank you buddy, thanks, thanks for your email, Anonymous, and 0:02:22.320 --> 0:02:27.640 let's dive into this. So you have a really close friend, 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:32.160 You're a guy. She's a girl, and she's been feeling distant. 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:36.600 She's got something going on, and she says, I don't 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:41.240 really know if I want to stay friends basically, but 0:02:41.400 --> 0:02:44.840 you think deep down she really does and she really 0:02:44.880 --> 0:02:47.480 wants you in her life, and so you're kind of 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:51.160 projecting that, and then you say, according to your words, 0:02:51.560 --> 0:02:53.680 I want her in my life. It's been killing me 0:02:54.000 --> 0:02:57.040 not to be as close as we were before. Then 0:02:57.040 --> 0:02:59.160 you go on to say I feel like she does too, 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:01.360 because I know the girl who is my best friend 0:03:01.440 --> 0:03:03.679 is still in there. I just need to find a 0:03:03.680 --> 0:03:06.480 way to bring her back. All right, Interesting, this is 0:03:06.720 --> 0:03:09.320 this is yeah, this is fascinating stuff because I want 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:12.400 to show you something. I want to show you that 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:15.600 that true love in a friendship way in your situation, 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:20.600 would be completely selfless. But there are there are hints 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:24.400 of your through your email, of you not being as 0:03:24.560 --> 0:03:29.240 selfless as you could be and leaning more on the 0:03:29.280 --> 0:03:34.280 scale of selfish. The reason is you're saying I want 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:36.720 her in my life. It's killing me. She wants to 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:39.080 have space. She says that she just needs to be 0:03:39.120 --> 0:03:41.400 alone and doesn't want to be close to anybody. But 0:03:41.440 --> 0:03:43.880 I wonder in my life. I wonder, I wonder, and 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:47.400 it's killing me. That's interesting, right, if we put it 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:51.280 in that perspective. I'm not really exaggerating you got to 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:55.400 admit those are your words. So I'm not totally dramatizing 0:03:55.520 --> 0:03:59.800 what this really is. But the truth is through love. 0:03:59.840 --> 0:04:02.800 If if you have a genuine, loving friendship of her, 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:07.360 then you would say this. You would say, listen, I 0:04:07.400 --> 0:04:09.800 really like being around you. I get so much out 0:04:09.800 --> 0:04:13.480 of this friendship. But this is not about me. I 0:04:13.560 --> 0:04:16.080 want you to be happy. I want you to do 0:04:16.160 --> 0:04:18.440 what's best for you. And if you say that you 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:21.320 needed me alone, just hey, I'm not going to change 0:04:21.320 --> 0:04:23.200 my number. Here it is. You know how to find me, 0:04:23.680 --> 0:04:25.120 you know how to come to my house, you know 0:04:25.120 --> 0:04:27.599 where to reach me. But I'm going to back off 0:04:28.160 --> 0:04:30.000 because that's what you want. I'm going to listen to 0:04:30.040 --> 0:04:32.800 your wishes, but I just want to let you know 0:04:32.839 --> 0:04:35.440 that I'm here if you need me. Okay, I'm going 0:04:35.520 --> 0:04:39.520 to give you that space that you need. That's a 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:44.520 selfless conversation. That's difficult because the selfish side of you 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:46.320 is like, no, I want you, I want you in 0:04:46.360 --> 0:04:51.000 my life. But I'm just saying this is what she wants. 0:04:51.520 --> 0:04:53.719 She doesn't really want to hang out with anybody at 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:56.920 the moment, so let's give her that. Let's give her 0:04:56.920 --> 0:04:59.680 that space. We don't know why, and at some level 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:03.000 it's just none of our business. I know that you 0:05:03.000 --> 0:05:05.680 feel like you've earned it. You've earned through friendship a 0:05:05.760 --> 0:05:07.599 right to know what's going on and a right to 0:05:07.640 --> 0:05:09.800 speak into her life and a right to help her out. 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:12.360 And she can't just come to you when she needs something. 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:16.400 I know you feel like you've earned that, but this 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:19.720 is her wishes, and all we could do is hope 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:21.919 that she comes back one day and just says, you 0:05:21.960 --> 0:05:24.080 know what, thank you so much for giving me space. 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:27.159 That gave me time to clear my head and realize 0:05:27.440 --> 0:05:31.480 that you're a true friend, because a true friend would 0:05:31.640 --> 0:05:34.600 listen to my wishes and back off a little bit, 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:36.039 and you did, and then I missed you, and then 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:39.040 I wanted you back. This is your only move here, buddy. 0:05:40.800 --> 0:05:46.840 Your only other option is borderline psychotic, like no, once 0:05:46.880 --> 0:05:49.839 you're my friend, always my friend, and I will hunt 0:05:49.880 --> 0:05:51.600 you down and tie you up and duct tape your 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:54.520 face until you admit that you need me and I 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:57.440 am your friend because it's killing me that you're not around. 0:05:57.480 --> 0:06:01.400 Like that's okay, I'm dramatized, but that's really the other 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:06.240 option that you're suggesting. Do nothing against you buddy, nothing 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:08.760 against you at all, because I understand the feeling that 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:10.960 you're having, But I just wanted to flip it and 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:12.760 let you see in the mirror a little bit of 0:06:12.800 --> 0:06:18.800 what the situation is. Next question, subject line says betrayal. 0:06:19.440 --> 0:06:21.839 Hey Granger, I'm in a situation I thought i'd never 0:06:21.920 --> 0:06:24.200 be in. My husband and I have been together for 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:27.320 five years, married for one year. Recently, my husband went 0:06:27.360 --> 0:06:29.839 to a men's conference with our church for the weekend. 0:06:30.240 --> 0:06:33.240 When he came back, he dropped a few confessions on me. 0:06:33.560 --> 0:06:36.040 He told me that he lied about sleeping with someone 0:06:36.040 --> 0:06:38.960 that he was in contact with early in our relationship. 0:06:39.560 --> 0:06:42.760 He admitted to an addiction to pornography since before we met, 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:45.919 and he admitted that he kissed, felt up flirted with 0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:49.120 another woman at his bachelor party two months before our wedding. 0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:53.520 All of these things are things that I had expressed 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:57.120 and asked him about, and he lied to my face 0:06:57.160 --> 0:07:01.600 for years. I am angry. I feel betray I feel robbed. 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:05.039 Our vows were broken before I even met him, or 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:09.160 before I even said them, and I have no desire 0:07:09.360 --> 0:07:12.280 to stay in this marriage or fight for it. I 0:07:12.320 --> 0:07:17.000 need an outside and objective perspective. I feel hopeless. I 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:22.600 would like to remain anonymous. Okay, anonymous, you are going 0:07:22.640 --> 0:07:27.120 to get exactly what you ask for, an outside objective perspective. 0:07:27.600 --> 0:07:29.119 And this is what I'm gonna give to you because 0:07:29.160 --> 0:07:32.840 I don't know you, and you barely know me, and 0:07:32.920 --> 0:07:35.520 I have no reason to lead you astray or I I 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:39.800 have no reason to sugarcoat this. I have only one 0:07:40.240 --> 0:07:42.960 objective here, and that's to give you what I believe 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:45.960 is the truth. And as I did in the last question, 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:48.080 I want to take a mirror. I want to flip 0:07:48.160 --> 0:07:50.640 it around to you and your story, and I want you, 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:52.800 I want you to gaze into this mirror for just 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:56.720 a second. After that, it's completely up to you. But 0:07:56.800 --> 0:08:00.240 this is the perspective I want to give you. Think, 0:08:00.320 --> 0:08:03.040 let's unpack this for a second. First of all, First 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:06.640 of all, let me start with this. I'm so sorry 0:08:06.720 --> 0:08:09.760 that you're dealing with this because this is difficult. This 0:08:09.960 --> 0:08:16.000 is devastating, shattering stuff. Okay, So don't let's not lose 0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:18.240 that in this conversation that I'm about to have with you. 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:21.160 Let's not lose the fact that this is just this 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:26.120 is just this sucks, This is tough, for you. Okay, 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:30.200 I hear, I hear you. I'm listening to what you're saying. 0:08:31.320 --> 0:08:33.719 But let me dive into what I think you need 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:40.880 to hear right now. Your husband went to a men's 0:08:41.200 --> 0:08:45.800 conference with your church for the weekend, and he heard 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:50.560 some things in that message. He was around other men, 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:56.280 wise men, probably good counsel men that he could confide in, 0:08:56.920 --> 0:09:00.880 and that they confided in him, and they shared in 0:09:00.960 --> 0:09:03.400 some things that you and I don't even know about. 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:08.120 But what I think happened was, I think this was 0:09:08.160 --> 0:09:13.640 a very productive conference. And I love that he went there, 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:17.240 and I love that he was around this wise counsel 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:19.679 and I love that he had this epiphany in his 0:09:19.720 --> 0:09:22.000 life that he needed to bring the things that were 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:25.000 in the dark out to the light. He needed to 0:09:25.000 --> 0:09:27.240 shine a light on them because he couldn't hold him 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:30.839 in the dark any longer. He had a couple skeletons 0:09:30.840 --> 0:09:33.840 in the closet and he wanted to clean that closet out, 0:09:34.080 --> 0:09:37.200 open the door, sweep it out, and show everyone around 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:42.080 him that the closet is now clean. That's what he 0:09:42.120 --> 0:09:45.400 felt compelled to do. That only a men's conference with 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:48.400 a good church and a bunch of good men, preaching 0:09:48.440 --> 0:09:52.280 the gospel, getting deep in the word that only that 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:56.959 kind of situation could do. So he comes and imagine, 0:09:57.640 --> 0:10:04.160 imagine how difficult it was for him to be at 0:10:04.160 --> 0:10:06.800 this conference and to be stirred so much and brought 0:10:06.840 --> 0:10:09.240 to tears and broken as a man, just broken all 0:10:09.240 --> 0:10:11.880 the way down to his core, facing the sin that 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:16.200 he's been hiding in the closet for years. And his 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:18.640 heart's pounding, and he builds up the courage and he goes, 0:10:18.679 --> 0:10:21.600 I'm gonna, I'm gonna bring everything out into the light, 0:10:22.200 --> 0:10:25.920 and I'm gonna bring my wife in and because I 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:27.959 love her so much, and because because I want to 0:10:28.000 --> 0:10:30.160 fight for this marriage, because I because I need this 0:10:30.280 --> 0:10:33.280 marriage so bad in my life. I'm gonna bring all 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:35.240 this out and I'm gonna clean up, and I'm gonna 0:10:35.280 --> 0:10:38.000 get rid of this guilt, and I'm gonna forgive, and 0:10:38.000 --> 0:10:40.400 I forgive myself and I'm gonna move on. I'm gonna 0:10:40.440 --> 0:10:42.520 learn from it. And so I'm driving home and I'm 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:45.320 gonna go tell my wife and I'm just distraught about this, 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:47.480 and I got tears in my eyes and my heart's pounding, 0:10:47.480 --> 0:10:49.800 and I've got goosebumps down my arms, and I come 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:51.800 in and I dump this on my wife, and I 0:10:51.880 --> 0:10:53.640 know it's not gonna be easy for it he her 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:56.040 to hear. He knows you, he knows this, it's gonna 0:10:56.040 --> 0:10:59.400 be hard for you to hear it. And he pours 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:07.720 it out, and the reaction he gets through this huge transformation, 0:11:10.520 --> 0:11:14.920 as you say, I have no desire to stay in 0:11:14.960 --> 0:11:19.320 this marriage or fight for it. You have broken vows 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:24.320 with me that you cannot heal and I cannot forgive 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:29.760 you of And because I will not and cannot forgive 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:35.000 you of this, I went out. I want nothing to 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:39.240 do with you. You animal, get away from me. I 0:11:39.320 --> 0:11:41.520 want nothing to do with you. I'd have no desire 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:49.000 to fight anymore. Now you see what happened, Like I 0:11:49.040 --> 0:11:50.800 flipped the mirror on you for a second, and I 0:11:50.800 --> 0:11:54.400 didn't tell you anything that wasn't exactly what you wrote 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:59.920 in your email. That's what happened. So let me flip 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:04.440 scenario a little bit on you. The stuff that happened 0:12:04.440 --> 0:12:07.000 in his past, the mistakes that he made, and yes 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:14.600 they were mistakes. Those mistakes already happened. They happened before 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:20.199 you knew about it. Nothing changed when he told you 0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:24.280 he didn't just do it. He didn't just manifest this. 0:12:25.240 --> 0:12:27.520 It already was done when you said your vowels. You 0:12:27.559 --> 0:12:31.480 didn't even know it. And so now that you do, 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:36.800 you're mad at him. So let me flip the scenario. 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:40.680 The other scenario is he doesn't tell you. That's the 0:12:40.720 --> 0:12:44.760 easier thing to do. That's the easier thing for this 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:47.720 husband to do is just keep it a secret, never 0:12:47.800 --> 0:12:53.320 say anything. How does that change it for you? Now? 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:58.240 Not only did it still happen, but now he's lying 0:12:58.240 --> 0:13:03.640 about it and you don't even know about it. What's better? Now? 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:09.200 Maybe you're thinking, I just don't want him anyway? What's 0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:11.680 crazy about the whole thing? And I say this in 0:13:11.720 --> 0:13:14.760 love and I I'm just speaking the truth. The objective 0:13:14.880 --> 0:13:18.760 perspective you ask for what's crazy about it is are 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:24.679 you perfect? Are you absolutely perfect in this marriage? Are 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:28.600 you absolutely perfect in your life? Because you have no 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:33.400 desire to forgive him, no desire to compromise or fight 0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:40.800 for the marriage? Does he deserve that? Are you perfect 0:13:40.960 --> 0:13:46.480 enough to be someone that can never forgive? Did you 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:49.200 know that you're forgiven? Did you know that God has 0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:53.560 forgiven you? Isn't that crazy? That's the story of the Gospel. 0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:59.400 All of us have fallen short of the glory of God. 0:13:59.440 --> 0:14:05.000 We're all since we were born. I mean, it's when 0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:06.960 we first talk. One of the first words we say 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:12.440 is no rebellion. We are rebels by nature, and we 0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:13.679 try to hide it and we try to act. I know, 0:14:13.720 --> 0:14:16.680 I'm a good person. I'm a righteous person. I walk 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:20.560 old ladies across the street. I mean genuinely, I'm pretty good. Like. 0:14:20.600 --> 0:14:23.000 I do a couple bad things, but mostly I do 0:14:23.080 --> 0:14:27.840 good things and that should outweigh the bad. God says, no, 0:14:29.480 --> 0:14:36.920 you messed up, but I forgive you, and you're gonna 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:40.080 look at God and say, yeah, thanks God. But I 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:43.960 can't forgive my husband because he went to a church retreat, 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:48.120 got with some good men, had some really good, difficult, 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:51.880 stirring conversations, came back to me, pulled a few skeletons 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:55.040 out of the closet, and I cannot forgive them. Man, 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:59.120 I'm sorry. What does that say? What does that say 0:14:59.200 --> 0:15:04.520 about you? You don't have to listen to me. You 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:07.320 could just stop right Maybe you already stopped listening. You've 0:15:07.360 --> 0:15:09.600 been listening to this podcast for a long time, and 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:12.320 then I got to you, and now you turned it off, 0:15:12.400 --> 0:15:16.800 and you're like, I'm done with this guy Granger. Maybe 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:19.800 maybe someone else needs to hear it. Maybe someone that's 0:15:19.800 --> 0:15:23.920 not you Anonymous is listening and going ooh, that hits 0:15:23.960 --> 0:15:31.600 close to home with me. Something to think about. What 0:15:31.640 --> 0:15:34.520 would it take for you to go to him today 0:15:35.480 --> 0:15:43.720 and say, I am so hurt by this betrayal, but 0:15:43.840 --> 0:15:47.480 I will not let this get in the way of 0:15:47.520 --> 0:15:52.160 our marriage because I forgive you, and I'm willing today 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:57.200 to start again new with you, because I can't imagine 0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:58.960 how hard it was for you to tell me this 0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:02.000 after so many years, and then to hear me react 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:04.960 the way I did, And I'm so sorry, and I 0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:08.960 forgive you and I love you, and I want to 0:16:08.960 --> 0:16:11.960 start again. I want to start fresh with you right 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:14.600 here today, on this day. I want to start fresh 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:18.520 with you. What would he say to that? He would say, amen, 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:25.240 thank God for this men's conference. But what do you 0:16:25.240 --> 0:16:29.240 think he's thinking right now? My life is falling apart 0:16:30.400 --> 0:16:34.760 because I tried to do the right thing. It's a 0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:40.880 lot to think about, but that is that's my objective perspective. 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:46.760 Let's hit another one, and the subject line is similar, 0:16:46.840 --> 0:16:48.200 So I don't know where this is going, but it 0:16:48.200 --> 0:16:52.360 says my husband's PTSD is ruining our marriage, So here 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:55.280 we go again. Another wife says, hey, Granger, my husband 0:16:55.280 --> 0:17:00.000 has severe PTSD and anxiety depression from his traumatic childhood 0:17:00.400 --> 0:17:03.800 and three deployments to Iraq. We've been together for six 0:17:03.840 --> 0:17:07.320 and a half years, and as his mental health continues 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:10.320 to decline, so does our marriage. He treats me awfully, 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:12.600 and then a few hours later he says he's sorry 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:15.880 and that he can't control his anger. I don't feel 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:18.840 like I can handle being his emotional punching bag anymore. 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:21.840 We have two kids, and I'd feel so guilty leaving 0:17:21.920 --> 0:17:25.200 him for his mental health issues. He won't try therapy 0:17:25.400 --> 0:17:29.040 or stay on his medicine. What should I do? Okay? 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:34.760 A question comes from Jocelyn and Jocelyn, thank you. Let 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:38.240 me say this first. Let me start with this, thank 0:17:38.320 --> 0:17:41.359 you for your service to this country. I don't know 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:45.840 if anyone's told you that lately or ever, but wives, husbands, 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:49.840 spouses of men and women that are deployed or have 0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:53.760 been deployed, or suffer from PTSD or anything like that. 0:17:54.720 --> 0:17:57.280 You are serving in your own way to this country, 0:17:57.280 --> 0:18:00.119 and we are indebted to you for that reason, the 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:02.720 lifestyle we live, the democracy we live in, is indebted 0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:09.000 to you, So thank you. I don't want you to 0:18:09.040 --> 0:18:12.600 be an emotional punching bag either anymore. I don't want 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:14.879 that for you. None of us do. None of us 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:17.000 listening want you to be an emotional punching bag for 0:18:17.080 --> 0:18:20.160 this guy. But I want you to see it from 0:18:20.160 --> 0:18:24.199 this perspective. I know many people with PTSD. I know 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:27.560 many returning soldiers, and I know many that have taken 0:18:27.560 --> 0:18:32.800 their own lives. One time, I did a documentary on 0:18:32.880 --> 0:18:37.560 five soldiers that lost their lives in war, and I 0:18:37.600 --> 0:18:39.399 told the backstory of who they were and who they 0:18:39.400 --> 0:18:42.719 were in their community, and gave light to their spouse 0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:45.040 and their kids, or their mother or their grandparents or 0:18:45.080 --> 0:18:47.760 their friends. And one of them out of the five 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:53.160 died by suicide. And it was so interesting going through 0:18:53.160 --> 0:18:55.879 this story and the documentaries on YouTube. It's called they 0:18:55.880 --> 0:19:02.080 were There, a Hero's documentary. But this one guy was 0:19:02.200 --> 0:19:06.720 just like the life of the party. Was he was amazing. 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:10.720 Dylan was his name. And we went through old home 0:19:10.760 --> 0:19:13.560 footage and we went through friends and interviewed him and family, 0:19:13.600 --> 0:19:17.160 and it was just such a guy. Like the guy 0:19:17.200 --> 0:19:19.159 everyone wants to be around, Like if he walks in 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:20.679 the room, you want to be next to Dylan. That 0:19:20.800 --> 0:19:28.359 was him and one deployment, one of several, but his 0:19:28.480 --> 0:19:32.280 last one. Something happened over there that he never wanted 0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:36.439 to talk about. It involved a child, and I'm not 0:19:36.480 --> 0:19:41.960 sure exactly what happened, but I think it was and 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:43.359 I'm not even sure if I should say it on 0:19:43.400 --> 0:19:48.119 this podcast, but it was an injury inflicted on a 0:19:48.200 --> 0:19:52.960 child on accident, but it was required for his convoy's 0:19:53.040 --> 0:19:58.760 duty and it really really messed him up. And when 0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:01.240 I say messed him up, I'm not talking about he 0:20:01.359 --> 0:20:03.280 was having a bad day, or it made him grumpy, 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:07.159 or it made him sad. I'm talking about it chemically 0:20:07.880 --> 0:20:13.080 disconnected something in his brain, like something was injured inside 0:20:13.119 --> 0:20:18.919 his brain, two nerves disconnected and never touched again, and 0:20:19.000 --> 0:20:23.160 it changed his personality, changed who he was, and when 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:26.240 he came back, he was never the same. And he 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:30.080 fought and fought with this PTSD, he fought with this injury, 0:20:30.600 --> 0:20:32.199 and no one could really help him. He ended up 0:20:32.200 --> 0:20:37.760 taking his own life. It's so interesting. When I shot 0:20:37.760 --> 0:20:41.879 this documentary, for the first time ever, I realized that 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:47.479 Dylan never came home from Afghanistan, not the Dylan we knew, 0:20:47.760 --> 0:20:50.879 who was a different version of him, the injured version. 0:20:52.160 --> 0:20:56.680 When men and women come back after an explosion, ied explosion, 0:20:56.760 --> 0:21:00.840 let's say, and they lose a limb, they're missing a leg, 0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:04.919 we could identify that injury. We could see them. We 0:21:04.920 --> 0:21:07.280 could see that they're missing a leg. We could treat accordingly. 0:21:07.840 --> 0:21:09.639 We have therapy, We have all kinds of things to 0:21:09.640 --> 0:21:12.879 help them walk again and get a prosthetic leg. We 0:21:12.960 --> 0:21:15.920 build them houses, and we build handrails, and we make 0:21:15.960 --> 0:21:18.680 showers that are great for them. We deal with their 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:24.639 pain afterward. But when someone has an injury in the brain, 0:21:25.880 --> 0:21:28.560 we don't understand that as well because we can't see 0:21:28.560 --> 0:21:33.640 it on an X ray. But not all injuries can 0:21:33.680 --> 0:21:39.560 be seen with the naked eye. And PTSD is a killer. 0:21:41.000 --> 0:21:43.040 There is an injury that could happen like that that 0:21:43.280 --> 0:21:46.840 is a killer. And that's why so many men and 0:21:46.880 --> 0:21:53.080 women take their lives by suicide. All this to say, Jocelyn, 0:21:54.480 --> 0:21:56.520 I want you to see, and I'm sure you do, 0:21:56.600 --> 0:21:59.840 but I want to reassure you that what you're dealing 0:21:59.920 --> 0:22:04.159 with with is an injured man that is not your husband. 0:22:04.240 --> 0:22:08.400 Right now, I do believe that this can be repaired 0:22:08.800 --> 0:22:12.879 and healed with the right treatment. If you had written 0:22:12.880 --> 0:22:17.440 this email and said, my husband suffers from dementia and 0:22:17.960 --> 0:22:20.399 sometimes he gets very angry and yells at me and 0:22:20.440 --> 0:22:25.120 then apologizes, everyone would say, yeah, that's dementia. My grandma 0:22:25.200 --> 0:22:27.879 had that. I knew a man down the street that 0:22:27.920 --> 0:22:30.960 had that. We would say that that's dementia. But for 0:22:31.000 --> 0:22:33.639 some reason, with PTSD, we don't look at it that way. 0:22:33.880 --> 0:22:37.480 We look at it almost like it's their fault and 0:22:37.560 --> 0:22:39.119 we blame them and we say, I don't know what 0:22:39.160 --> 0:22:41.640 to do, I don't know if I want this marriage anymore. 0:22:42.960 --> 0:22:47.159 But we don't say that with dementia. So now I 0:22:47.160 --> 0:22:49.640 haven't given you anything practical. I've just given you kind 0:22:49.640 --> 0:22:54.560 of just a thirty thousand foot overview of the way 0:22:54.600 --> 0:22:59.960 I'm seeing this. He needs help, and he's going to 0:23:00.160 --> 0:23:05.240 need professional help from people that know, preferably from people 0:23:05.240 --> 0:23:09.200 that have experienced this before, someone that can come in 0:23:09.240 --> 0:23:13.399 and go, dude, I know what you're going through because 0:23:13.480 --> 0:23:16.440 I did too, and this is the way I got 0:23:16.480 --> 0:23:19.480 out of it. Follow me. Let me show you a 0:23:19.480 --> 0:23:21.919 couple of things. Let me show you some things. You 0:23:21.960 --> 0:23:25.880 gotta do. This is the kind of treatment he needs, 0:23:25.920 --> 0:23:28.879 and he needs it right now. You will You have 0:23:29.080 --> 0:23:31.760 a good chance of losing him if something doesn't change 0:23:31.840 --> 0:23:34.640 right now. Also, I want to say, if things are 0:23:34.680 --> 0:23:37.680 crazy in the house, you do have a right to leave, 0:23:38.600 --> 0:23:40.600 but don't give up on him. If you leave and 0:23:40.640 --> 0:23:42.560 go and live in somebody else's house and get the 0:23:42.600 --> 0:23:44.399 kids away, because maybe they don't need to see this 0:23:44.480 --> 0:23:48.240 anger right now, don't give up on him. Don't be 0:23:48.320 --> 0:23:51.040 angry back, don't reciprocate that anger. So take the kids 0:23:51.359 --> 0:23:53.080 and go to a different house, but make sure you're 0:23:53.080 --> 0:23:55.000 there all the time with him, checking in on him. 0:23:56.480 --> 0:24:00.560 He needs your help. It's life and death. That's serious. 0:24:01.920 --> 0:24:04.680 He needs doctors, He needs men that have been through 0:24:04.720 --> 0:24:07.560 this to talk to him, to speak into his life. Today, 0:24:07.840 --> 0:24:11.199 not tomorrow, not next week, not six months when you 0:24:11.240 --> 0:24:14.320 finally research the right person. We need to move now 0:24:14.359 --> 0:24:15.680 on this And I just want you to see it, 0:24:15.720 --> 0:24:17.200 and I want to say thank you for your service, 0:24:17.240 --> 0:24:21.280 and this is I'm so sorry. Let's take a break 0:24:21.280 --> 0:24:28.920 and be right back. Guys, sincerely, thank you so much 0:24:29.000 --> 0:24:32.000 for listening to this podcast and supporting it. If you 0:24:32.080 --> 0:24:34.520 love it, please share it with a friend. And rate 0:24:34.560 --> 0:24:37.080 it on this platform that you're using right now. That 0:24:37.200 --> 0:24:39.160 really helps me, and it helps get the word out too. 0:24:39.440 --> 0:24:41.240