Speaker 1: And the reaction he gets through this huge transformation, as
Speaker 1: you say, I have no desire to stay in this
Speaker 1: marriage or fight for it. You have broken vows with
Speaker 1: me that you cannot heal and I cannot forgive you
Speaker 1: of And because I will not and cannot forgive you
Speaker 1: of this, I went out. I want nothing to do
Speaker 1: with you. You animal? What's up? Guys, Welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening and watching wherever you're coming from.
Speaker 1: In this format, I answer your questions. You asked the question,
Speaker 1: email me Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. I put
Speaker 1: it in the queue and we get to it. It
Speaker 1: could be about anything. There are no rules. I ask
Speaker 1: two things. Guidelines don't ask the same thing twice, don't
Speaker 1: send multiple emails, and don't make it too much longer
Speaker 1: than the screen of your phone itself. Otherwise it's a
Speaker 1: little bit too long to read. In this kind of format,
Speaker 1: we'll talk about it long form, like we're sitting in
Speaker 1: a truck. You asked me a question. I'm not always right,
Speaker 1: but I'll give you the best advice, like we're buddies. Okay,
Speaker 1: First question, cueued up. Subject line says, I don't know
Speaker 1: if my best friend wants me in her life. Dear Granger,
Speaker 1: love the music in the podcast, Please keep me Anonymous.
Speaker 1: My best friend and I have been hanging out consistently
Speaker 1: since last year, since we became extremely close. For the
Speaker 1: last month, she's become very distant and recently recognized it
Speaker 1: and said that she really doesn't want to hang out
Speaker 1: with anybody at the moment. She seems like she's going
Speaker 1: through something but won't tell me and has only been
Speaker 1: contacting me recently when she needs my help. She's been
Speaker 1: questioning if she wants me in her life or not.
Speaker 1: I want her in and it's been killing me because
Speaker 1: we've been as close as we were over the past
Speaker 1: few years. I feel like she does. I feel like
Speaker 1: she does want me because I know the girl who
Speaker 1: is in there, and she's my best friend. I just
Speaker 1: want to find out a way to bring her back.
Speaker 1: I'm a guy. By the way, it says, all right,
Speaker 1: thank you buddy, thanks, thanks for your email, Anonymous, and
Speaker 1: let's dive into this. So you have a really close friend,
Speaker 1: You're a guy. She's a girl, and she's been feeling distant.
Speaker 1: She's got something going on, and she says, I don't
Speaker 1: really know if I want to stay friends basically, but
Speaker 1: you think deep down she really does and she really
Speaker 1: wants you in her life, and so you're kind of
Speaker 1: projecting that, and then you say, according to your words,
Speaker 1: I want her in my life. It's been killing me
Speaker 1: not to be as close as we were before. Then
Speaker 1: you go on to say I feel like she does too,
Speaker 1: because I know the girl who is my best friend
Speaker 1: is still in there. I just need to find a
Speaker 1: way to bring her back. All right, Interesting, this is
Speaker 1: this is yeah, this is fascinating stuff because I want
Speaker 1: to show you something. I want to show you that
Speaker 1: that true love in a friendship way in your situation,
Speaker 1: would be completely selfless. But there are there are hints
Speaker 1: of your through your email, of you not being as
Speaker 1: selfless as you could be and leaning more on the
Speaker 1: scale of selfish. The reason is you're saying I want
Speaker 1: her in my life. It's killing me. She wants to
Speaker 1: have space. She says that she just needs to be
Speaker 1: alone and doesn't want to be close to anybody. But
Speaker 1: I wonder in my life. I wonder, I wonder, and
Speaker 1: it's killing me. That's interesting, right, if we put it
Speaker 1: in that perspective. I'm not really exaggerating you got to
Speaker 1: admit those are your words. So I'm not totally dramatizing
Speaker 1: what this really is. But the truth is through love.
Speaker 1: If if you have a genuine, loving friendship of her,
Speaker 1: then you would say this. You would say, listen, I
Speaker 1: really like being around you. I get so much out
Speaker 1: of this friendship. But this is not about me. I
Speaker 1: want you to be happy. I want you to do
Speaker 1: what's best for you. And if you say that you
Speaker 1: needed me alone, just hey, I'm not going to change
Speaker 1: my number. Here it is. You know how to find me,
Speaker 1: you know how to come to my house, you know
Speaker 1: where to reach me. But I'm going to back off
Speaker 1: because that's what you want. I'm going to listen to
Speaker 1: your wishes, but I just want to let you know
Speaker 1: that I'm here if you need me. Okay, I'm going
Speaker 1: to give you that space that you need. That's a
Speaker 1: selfless conversation. That's difficult because the selfish side of you
Speaker 1: is like, no, I want you, I want you in
Speaker 1: my life. But I'm just saying this is what she wants.
Speaker 1: She doesn't really want to hang out with anybody at
Speaker 1: the moment, so let's give her that. Let's give her
Speaker 1: that space. We don't know why, and at some level
Speaker 1: it's just none of our business. I know that you
Speaker 1: feel like you've earned it. You've earned through friendship a
Speaker 1: right to know what's going on and a right to
Speaker 1: speak into her life and a right to help her out.
Speaker 1: And she can't just come to you when she needs something.
Speaker 1: I know you feel like you've earned that, but this
Speaker 1: is her wishes, and all we could do is hope
Speaker 1: that she comes back one day and just says, you
Speaker 1: know what, thank you so much for giving me space.
Speaker 1: That gave me time to clear my head and realize
Speaker 1: that you're a true friend, because a true friend would
Speaker 1: listen to my wishes and back off a little bit,
Speaker 1: and you did, and then I missed you, and then
Speaker 1: I wanted you back. This is your only move here, buddy.
Speaker 1: Your only other option is borderline psychotic, like no, once
Speaker 1: you're my friend, always my friend, and I will hunt
Speaker 1: you down and tie you up and duct tape your
Speaker 1: face until you admit that you need me and I
Speaker 1: am your friend because it's killing me that you're not around.
Speaker 1: Like that's okay, I'm dramatized, but that's really the other
Speaker 1: option that you're suggesting. Do nothing against you buddy, nothing
Speaker 1: against you at all, because I understand the feeling that
Speaker 1: you're having, But I just wanted to flip it and
Speaker 1: let you see in the mirror a little bit of
Speaker 1: what the situation is. Next question, subject line says betrayal.
Speaker 1: Hey Granger, I'm in a situation I thought i'd never
Speaker 1: be in. My husband and I have been together for
Speaker 1: five years, married for one year. Recently, my husband went
Speaker 1: to a men's conference with our church for the weekend.
Speaker 1: When he came back, he dropped a few confessions on me.
Speaker 1: He told me that he lied about sleeping with someone
Speaker 1: that he was in contact with early in our relationship.
Speaker 1: He admitted to an addiction to pornography since before we met,
Speaker 1: and he admitted that he kissed, felt up flirted with
Speaker 1: another woman at his bachelor party two months before our wedding.
Speaker 1: All of these things are things that I had expressed
Speaker 1: and asked him about, and he lied to my face
Speaker 1: for years. I am angry. I feel betray I feel robbed.
Speaker 1: Our vows were broken before I even met him, or
Speaker 1: before I even said them, and I have no desire
Speaker 1: to stay in this marriage or fight for it. I
Speaker 1: need an outside and objective perspective. I feel hopeless. I
Speaker 1: would like to remain anonymous. Okay, anonymous, you are going
Speaker 1: to get exactly what you ask for, an outside objective perspective.
Speaker 1: And this is what I'm gonna give to you because
Speaker 1: I don't know you, and you barely know me, and
Speaker 1: I have no reason to lead you astray or I I
Speaker 1: have no reason to sugarcoat this. I have only one
Speaker 1: objective here, and that's to give you what I believe
Speaker 1: is the truth. And as I did in the last question,
Speaker 1: I want to take a mirror. I want to flip
Speaker 1: it around to you and your story, and I want you,
Speaker 1: I want you to gaze into this mirror for just
Speaker 1: a second. After that, it's completely up to you. But
Speaker 1: this is the perspective I want to give you. Think,
Speaker 1: let's unpack this for a second. First of all, First
Speaker 1: of all, let me start with this. I'm so sorry
Speaker 1: that you're dealing with this because this is difficult. This
Speaker 1: is devastating, shattering stuff. Okay, So don't let's not lose
Speaker 1: that in this conversation that I'm about to have with you.
Speaker 1: Let's not lose the fact that this is just this
Speaker 1: is just this sucks, This is tough, for you. Okay,
Speaker 1: I hear, I hear you. I'm listening to what you're saying.
Speaker 1: But let me dive into what I think you need
Speaker 1: to hear right now. Your husband went to a men's
Speaker 1: conference with your church for the weekend, and he heard
Speaker 1: some things in that message. He was around other men,
Speaker 1: wise men, probably good counsel men that he could confide in,
Speaker 1: and that they confided in him, and they shared in
Speaker 1: some things that you and I don't even know about.
Speaker 1: But what I think happened was, I think this was
Speaker 1: a very productive conference. And I love that he went there,
Speaker 1: and I love that he was around this wise counsel
Speaker 1: and I love that he had this epiphany in his
Speaker 1: life that he needed to bring the things that were
Speaker 1: in the dark out to the light. He needed to
Speaker 1: shine a light on them because he couldn't hold him
Speaker 1: in the dark any longer. He had a couple skeletons
Speaker 1: in the closet and he wanted to clean that closet out,
Speaker 1: open the door, sweep it out, and show everyone around
Speaker 1: him that the closet is now clean. That's what he
Speaker 1: felt compelled to do. That only a men's conference with
Speaker 1: a good church and a bunch of good men, preaching
Speaker 1: the gospel, getting deep in the word that only that
Speaker 1: kind of situation could do. So he comes and imagine,
Speaker 1: imagine how difficult it was for him to be at
Speaker 1: this conference and to be stirred so much and brought
Speaker 1: to tears and broken as a man, just broken all
Speaker 1: the way down to his core, facing the sin that
Speaker 1: he's been hiding in the closet for years. And his
Speaker 1: heart's pounding, and he builds up the courage and he goes,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna, I'm gonna bring everything out into the light,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna bring my wife in and because I
Speaker 1: love her so much, and because because I want to
Speaker 1: fight for this marriage, because I because I need this
Speaker 1: marriage so bad in my life. I'm gonna bring all
Speaker 1: this out and I'm gonna clean up, and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get rid of this guilt, and I'm gonna forgive, and
Speaker 1: I forgive myself and I'm gonna move on. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: learn from it. And so I'm driving home and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go tell my wife and I'm just distraught about this,
Speaker 1: and I got tears in my eyes and my heart's pounding,
Speaker 1: and I've got goosebumps down my arms, and I come
Speaker 1: in and I dump this on my wife, and I
Speaker 1: know it's not gonna be easy for it he her
Speaker 1: to hear. He knows you, he knows this, it's gonna
Speaker 1: be hard for you to hear it. And he pours
Speaker 1: it out, and the reaction he gets through this huge transformation,
Speaker 1: as you say, I have no desire to stay in
Speaker 1: this marriage or fight for it. You have broken vows
Speaker 1: with me that you cannot heal and I cannot forgive
Speaker 1: you of And because I will not and cannot forgive
Speaker 1: you of this, I went out. I want nothing to
Speaker 1: do with you. You animal, get away from me. I
Speaker 1: want nothing to do with you. I'd have no desire
Speaker 1: to fight anymore. Now you see what happened, Like I
Speaker 1: flipped the mirror on you for a second, and I
Speaker 1: didn't tell you anything that wasn't exactly what you wrote
Speaker 1: in your email. That's what happened. So let me flip
Speaker 1: scenario a little bit on you. The stuff that happened
Speaker 1: in his past, the mistakes that he made, and yes
Speaker 1: they were mistakes. Those mistakes already happened. They happened before
Speaker 1: you knew about it. Nothing changed when he told you
Speaker 1: he didn't just do it. He didn't just manifest this.
Speaker 1: It already was done when you said your vowels. You
Speaker 1: didn't even know it. And so now that you do,
Speaker 1: you're mad at him. So let me flip the scenario.
Speaker 1: The other scenario is he doesn't tell you. That's the
Speaker 1: easier thing to do. That's the easier thing for this
Speaker 1: husband to do is just keep it a secret, never
Speaker 1: say anything. How does that change it for you? Now?
Speaker 1: Not only did it still happen, but now he's lying
Speaker 1: about it and you don't even know about it. What's better? Now?
Speaker 1: Maybe you're thinking, I just don't want him anyway? What's
Speaker 1: crazy about the whole thing? And I say this in
Speaker 1: love and I I'm just speaking the truth. The objective
Speaker 1: perspective you ask for what's crazy about it is are
Speaker 1: you perfect? Are you absolutely perfect in this marriage? Are
Speaker 1: you absolutely perfect in your life? Because you have no
Speaker 1: desire to forgive him, no desire to compromise or fight
Speaker 1: for the marriage? Does he deserve that? Are you perfect
Speaker 1: enough to be someone that can never forgive? Did you
Speaker 1: know that you're forgiven? Did you know that God has
Speaker 1: forgiven you? Isn't that crazy? That's the story of the Gospel.
Speaker 1: All of us have fallen short of the glory of God.
Speaker 1: We're all since we were born. I mean, it's when
Speaker 1: we first talk. One of the first words we say
Speaker 1: is no rebellion. We are rebels by nature, and we
Speaker 1: try to hide it and we try to act. I know,
Speaker 1: I'm a good person. I'm a righteous person. I walk
Speaker 1: old ladies across the street. I mean genuinely, I'm pretty good. Like.
Speaker 1: I do a couple bad things, but mostly I do
Speaker 1: good things and that should outweigh the bad. God says, no,
Speaker 1: you messed up, but I forgive you, and you're gonna
Speaker 1: look at God and say, yeah, thanks God. But I
Speaker 1: can't forgive my husband because he went to a church retreat,
Speaker 1: got with some good men, had some really good, difficult,
Speaker 1: stirring conversations, came back to me, pulled a few skeletons
Speaker 1: out of the closet, and I cannot forgive them. Man,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. What does that say? What does that say
Speaker 1: about you? You don't have to listen to me. You
Speaker 1: could just stop right Maybe you already stopped listening. You've
Speaker 1: been listening to this podcast for a long time, and
Speaker 1: then I got to you, and now you turned it off,
Speaker 1: and you're like, I'm done with this guy Granger. Maybe
Speaker 1: maybe someone else needs to hear it. Maybe someone that's
Speaker 1: not you Anonymous is listening and going ooh, that hits
Speaker 1: close to home with me. Something to think about. What
Speaker 1: would it take for you to go to him today
Speaker 1: and say, I am so hurt by this betrayal, but
Speaker 1: I will not let this get in the way of
Speaker 1: our marriage because I forgive you, and I'm willing today
Speaker 1: to start again new with you, because I can't imagine
Speaker 1: how hard it was for you to tell me this
Speaker 1: after so many years, and then to hear me react
Speaker 1: the way I did, And I'm so sorry, and I
Speaker 1: forgive you and I love you, and I want to
Speaker 1: start again. I want to start fresh with you right
Speaker 1: here today, on this day. I want to start fresh
Speaker 1: with you. What would he say to that? He would say, amen,
Speaker 1: thank God for this men's conference. But what do you
Speaker 1: think he's thinking right now? My life is falling apart
Speaker 1: because I tried to do the right thing. It's a
Speaker 1: lot to think about, but that is that's my objective perspective.
Speaker 1: Let's hit another one, and the subject line is similar,
Speaker 1: So I don't know where this is going, but it
Speaker 1: says my husband's PTSD is ruining our marriage, So here
Speaker 1: we go again. Another wife says, hey, Granger, my husband
Speaker 1: has severe PTSD and anxiety depression from his traumatic childhood
Speaker 1: and three deployments to Iraq. We've been together for six
Speaker 1: and a half years, and as his mental health continues
Speaker 1: to decline, so does our marriage. He treats me awfully,
Speaker 1: and then a few hours later he says he's sorry
Speaker 1: and that he can't control his anger. I don't feel
Speaker 1: like I can handle being his emotional punching bag anymore.
Speaker 1: We have two kids, and I'd feel so guilty leaving
Speaker 1: him for his mental health issues. He won't try therapy
Speaker 1: or stay on his medicine. What should I do? Okay?
Speaker 1: A question comes from Jocelyn and Jocelyn, thank you. Let
Speaker 1: me say this first. Let me start with this, thank
Speaker 1: you for your service to this country. I don't know
Speaker 1: if anyone's told you that lately or ever, but wives, husbands,
Speaker 1: spouses of men and women that are deployed or have
Speaker 1: been deployed, or suffer from PTSD or anything like that.
Speaker 1: You are serving in your own way to this country,
Speaker 1: and we are indebted to you for that reason, the
Speaker 1: lifestyle we live, the democracy we live in, is indebted
Speaker 1: to you, So thank you. I don't want you to
Speaker 1: be an emotional punching bag either anymore. I don't want
Speaker 1: that for you. None of us do. None of us
Speaker 1: listening want you to be an emotional punching bag for
Speaker 1: this guy. But I want you to see it from
Speaker 1: this perspective. I know many people with PTSD. I know
Speaker 1: many returning soldiers, and I know many that have taken
Speaker 1: their own lives. One time, I did a documentary on
Speaker 1: five soldiers that lost their lives in war, and I
Speaker 1: told the backstory of who they were and who they
Speaker 1: were in their community, and gave light to their spouse
Speaker 1: and their kids, or their mother or their grandparents or
Speaker 1: their friends. And one of them out of the five
Speaker 1: died by suicide. And it was so interesting going through
Speaker 1: this story and the documentaries on YouTube. It's called they
Speaker 1: were There, a Hero's documentary. But this one guy was
Speaker 1: just like the life of the party. Was he was amazing.
Speaker 1: Dylan was his name. And we went through old home
Speaker 1: footage and we went through friends and interviewed him and family,
Speaker 1: and it was just such a guy. Like the guy
Speaker 1: everyone wants to be around, Like if he walks in
Speaker 1: the room, you want to be next to Dylan. That
Speaker 1: was him and one deployment, one of several, but his
Speaker 1: last one. Something happened over there that he never wanted
Speaker 1: to talk about. It involved a child, and I'm not
Speaker 1: sure exactly what happened, but I think it was and
Speaker 1: I'm not even sure if I should say it on
Speaker 1: this podcast, but it was an injury inflicted on a
Speaker 1: child on accident, but it was required for his convoy's
Speaker 1: duty and it really really messed him up. And when
Speaker 1: I say messed him up, I'm not talking about he
Speaker 1: was having a bad day, or it made him grumpy,
Speaker 1: or it made him sad. I'm talking about it chemically
Speaker 1: disconnected something in his brain, like something was injured inside
Speaker 1: his brain, two nerves disconnected and never touched again, and
Speaker 1: it changed his personality, changed who he was, and when
Speaker 1: he came back, he was never the same. And he
Speaker 1: fought and fought with this PTSD, he fought with this injury,
Speaker 1: and no one could really help him. He ended up
Speaker 1: taking his own life. It's so interesting. When I shot
Speaker 1: this documentary, for the first time ever, I realized that
Speaker 1: Dylan never came home from Afghanistan, not the Dylan we knew,
Speaker 1: who was a different version of him, the injured version.
Speaker 1: When men and women come back after an explosion, ied explosion,
Speaker 1: let's say, and they lose a limb, they're missing a leg,
Speaker 1: we could identify that injury. We could see them. We
Speaker 1: could see that they're missing a leg. We could treat accordingly.
Speaker 1: We have therapy, We have all kinds of things to
Speaker 1: help them walk again and get a prosthetic leg. We
Speaker 1: build them houses, and we build handrails, and we make
Speaker 1: showers that are great for them. We deal with their
Speaker 1: pain afterward. But when someone has an injury in the brain,
Speaker 1: we don't understand that as well because we can't see
Speaker 1: it on an X ray. But not all injuries can
Speaker 1: be seen with the naked eye. And PTSD is a killer.
Speaker 1: There is an injury that could happen like that that
Speaker 1: is a killer. And that's why so many men and
Speaker 1: women take their lives by suicide. All this to say, Jocelyn,
Speaker 1: I want you to see, and I'm sure you do,
Speaker 1: but I want to reassure you that what you're dealing
Speaker 1: with with is an injured man that is not your husband.
Speaker 1: Right now, I do believe that this can be repaired
Speaker 1: and healed with the right treatment. If you had written
Speaker 1: this email and said, my husband suffers from dementia and
Speaker 1: sometimes he gets very angry and yells at me and
Speaker 1: then apologizes, everyone would say, yeah, that's dementia. My grandma
Speaker 1: had that. I knew a man down the street that
Speaker 1: had that. We would say that that's dementia. But for
Speaker 1: some reason, with PTSD, we don't look at it that way.
Speaker 1: We look at it almost like it's their fault and
Speaker 1: we blame them and we say, I don't know what
Speaker 1: to do, I don't know if I want this marriage anymore.
Speaker 1: But we don't say that with dementia. So now I
Speaker 1: haven't given you anything practical. I've just given you kind
Speaker 1: of just a thirty thousand foot overview of the way
Speaker 1: I'm seeing this. He needs help, and he's going to
Speaker 1: need professional help from people that know, preferably from people
Speaker 1: that have experienced this before, someone that can come in
Speaker 1: and go, dude, I know what you're going through because
Speaker 1: I did too, and this is the way I got
Speaker 1: out of it. Follow me. Let me show you a
Speaker 1: couple of things. Let me show you some things. You
Speaker 1: gotta do. This is the kind of treatment he needs,
Speaker 1: and he needs it right now. You will You have
Speaker 1: a good chance of losing him if something doesn't change
Speaker 1: right now. Also, I want to say, if things are
Speaker 1: crazy in the house, you do have a right to leave,
Speaker 1: but don't give up on him. If you leave and
Speaker 1: go and live in somebody else's house and get the
Speaker 1: kids away, because maybe they don't need to see this
Speaker 1: anger right now, don't give up on him. Don't be
Speaker 1: angry back, don't reciprocate that anger. So take the kids
Speaker 1: and go to a different house, but make sure you're
Speaker 1: there all the time with him, checking in on him.
Speaker 1: He needs your help. It's life and death. That's serious.
Speaker 1: He needs doctors, He needs men that have been through
Speaker 1: this to talk to him, to speak into his life. Today,
Speaker 1: not tomorrow, not next week, not six months when you
Speaker 1: finally research the right person. We need to move now
Speaker 1: on this And I just want you to see it,
Speaker 1: and I want to say thank you for your service,
Speaker 1: and this is I'm so sorry. Let's take a break
Speaker 1: and be right back. Guys, sincerely, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for listening to this podcast and supporting it. If you
Speaker 1: love it, please share it with a friend. And rate
Speaker 1: it on this platform that you're using right now. That
Speaker 1: really helps me, and it helps get the word out too.
Speaker 1: If you want to get a hold of me, or
Speaker 1: maybe get something special for somebody, you could always get
Speaker 1: a cameo from me. I literally take my phone and
Speaker 1: I record a video just for you, saying whatever you
Speaker 1: need me to say, Happy anniversary, happy birthday, maybe some
Speaker 1: words of encouragement, whatever it is you could dream up.
Speaker 1: Go to cameo dot com slash Granger Smith. You could
Speaker 1: also download the cameo app and search for me Granger Smith.
Speaker 1: It's super easy. You just make a request, you type
Speaker 1: in what you want me to say. I do it
Speaker 1: just like a FaceTime call or a Skype message, and
Speaker 1: it goes right to you. Then you have it and
Speaker 1: you could share it with your friend. It's really cool.
Speaker 1: I've been doing this for several years now and it's
Speaker 1: super easy. Cameo dot com slash Grangersmith. Back to the podcast,
Speaker 1: all right. Back to the inbox here. Grangersmith podcast at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com is where you need to send your questions.
Speaker 1: Subject line here says how do I get people to
Speaker 1: talk to me? Hey Granger, my name is Matthew. I'm
Speaker 1: sixteen years old. Love watching the Smith and listening to
Speaker 1: your music. I'm in a Christian home and every morning
Speaker 1: I choose to wake up thirty minutes early so I
Speaker 1: could read a chapter of the Bible and practice playing guitar.
Speaker 1: I've been going to the same school my whole life,
Speaker 1: and the town is so nice, but I rarely get
Speaker 1: to talk to anyone, and I want to change that.
Speaker 1: To explain a little bit more, I've tried multiple times
Speaker 1: to talk to different people, switch my friend groups up,
Speaker 1: but they seem to have little interest to talk to me.
Speaker 1: I thought about it because maybe because I was boring,
Speaker 1: but I can't think of many things to talk about.
Speaker 1: My parents don't allow me to have any social media
Speaker 1: except for YouTube, which is fine, but I don't ever
Speaker 1: have many social interactions. I have multiple hobbies, including hunting, fishing,
Speaker 1: showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs, and playing baseball. But
Speaker 1: there are only a handful of people in these hobbies
Speaker 1: and they always seem to talk to someone else and
Speaker 1: they avoid me. I had one decent friend, but we
Speaker 1: don't see each other anymore because he moved to a
Speaker 1: different school. I know this may be a weird topic,
Speaker 1: but I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks Matthew, Matthew Buddy,
Speaker 1: thanks for emailing man. Sixteen years old? What an age,
Speaker 1: what a transformational age you are in. I remember it.
Speaker 1: It is awkward. I'm sorry. I remember being sixteen. It's
Speaker 1: like it's like a horse with blinders. You can't really
Speaker 1: see to the right or to the left. You don't
Speaker 1: don't really know at all what's going on behind you.
Speaker 1: You only know what's happening just directly ahead of you.
Speaker 1: Look back, and you know that's actually a brain development thing,
Speaker 1: like that's a real thing. Only had the capacity to
Speaker 1: see right ahead of you. And I remember that, and
Speaker 1: I look back and I'm like, oh man, all I
Speaker 1: had to do is look right or left, and I
Speaker 1: never did not for a few more years. And so
Speaker 1: I want to say I empathize with where you are,
Speaker 1: and I understand everything you're saying. And what I want
Speaker 1: to tell you is a couple of things. First, I
Speaker 1: want to say, hang on, just hang in there, man,
Speaker 1: hang in there. You're getting up every morning thirty minutes early,
Speaker 1: playing guitar, reading the Bible. It sounds like you got
Speaker 1: some good parents. You live in a nice little town,
Speaker 1: you go to school nice little school. Hang in there,
Speaker 1: because it could be a lot worse. You could be
Speaker 1: a lot in a lot worse situations. And you only
Speaker 1: have a couple more years at home. You're about to
Speaker 1: go see the world. You're about to spread your wings
Speaker 1: and fly, and that's coming about eighteen, So you literally
Speaker 1: have just a little bit more time. And I want
Speaker 1: you to just hang in there, wait, be patient, and
Speaker 1: I want to say some other things. I want to
Speaker 1: encourage you in a couple of ways. Reassure you. Your
Speaker 1: parents are not allowing you to be on social media
Speaker 1: except YouTube, Buddy. I think that is awesome. I think
Speaker 1: you were growing in ways that you can't yet understand,
Speaker 1: and you're being shielded from things that are going to
Speaker 1: hurt you in a way that you can't yet understand.
Speaker 1: And your parents do and they know this. And one
Speaker 1: day you will be on social media maybe, but you'll choose.
Speaker 1: You'll get to decide if you're going to do it
Speaker 1: or not. And when you do, I think you're going
Speaker 1: to get on there and go, Man, I wasn't missing anything.
Speaker 1: We literally look at this, buddy. We go on TikTok
Speaker 1: and this is what TikTok does, for example, and this podcast.
Speaker 1: I have a lot of credit to give to TikTok
Speaker 1: for this podcast because it drives a lot of traffic here.
Speaker 1: But I want to tell you the dangers of it
Speaker 1: if you just randomly, if you're not going to just
Speaker 1: see one thing, then you just randomly get on there
Speaker 1: and you go from this guy who's like giving you
Speaker 1: this life advice and you're all focused in listening, and
Speaker 1: then you flip it, and then there's this guy talking
Speaker 1: about his mom has terminal cancer and he's in the
Speaker 1: hospital bringing her flowers and she's saying her last words,
Speaker 1: and now you're crying, and then you flip it again.
Speaker 1: Now it's this funny cat doing this little trick, and
Speaker 1: you start laughing. And these are all like in twenty
Speaker 1: second increments. You're going from serious study and concentration to
Speaker 1: complete mourning and sadness to laughing at a kiddy cat,
Speaker 1: all within the course of a minute and a half.
Speaker 1: That just can't be good for the brain. It can't
Speaker 1: be good to get us like a ping pong ball
Speaker 1: and just make us this ping pong ball of emotions,
Speaker 1: like feel this, feel this, look at this, look at this,
Speaker 1: shiny shiny, shiny look at this, Hey, hey, hey, here
Speaker 1: we are. That's what social media is doing. Your parents
Speaker 1: know it, and they're keeping you from it. And I'm dude,
Speaker 1: I think it's great. I think it's good parenting. I
Speaker 1: don't think there's anything wrong with it. Like some people
Speaker 1: may be like, that's a little strict. I would rather
Speaker 1: lean on the strict side than to be on the
Speaker 1: other side where it's like, yo, I want you to
Speaker 1: socially evolve and be, you know, like a little butterfly
Speaker 1: with all your your friends, and I want you to
Speaker 1: just go out there and do everything they're doing. So
Speaker 1: get on socials. And the damage that can cause is
Speaker 1: there's a lot higher percentage of damage that that can
Speaker 1: cause than the damage of saying we're going to be
Speaker 1: strict and not let you get on at all. I
Speaker 1: think you have a lot better chance of succeeding, being successful,
Speaker 1: and being socially acceptable in a world without social media
Speaker 1: at age sixteen. So I just want to affirm that
Speaker 1: with you that I think you're in a good house.
Speaker 1: I think you're in a good spot, and I think
Speaker 1: you're in a just a peerd of waiting right now. Dude,
Speaker 1: you like hunting, fishing, showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs,
Speaker 1: playing baseball. I got one bad thing to say to you.
Speaker 1: This is my only negative I'm gonna throw at you,
Speaker 1: Matthew that next sentence you say, but there are only
Speaker 1: a handful of people in these hobbies. Come on, bro,
Speaker 1: really what? I kind of want to slap you right now?
Speaker 1: Hunting fishing, showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs, playing baseball.
Speaker 1: You're telling me there's only a small group of people
Speaker 1: that do those things, Like baseball is the American game,
Speaker 1: that's like America's pastime or whatever they call it. Hunting fishing,
Speaker 1: how there's billions of people that do that, right, lifting weights,
Speaker 1: like every other person does that. So I'm gonna kind
Speaker 1: of blame you a little bit, Matthew, and go Bro.
Speaker 1: You're telling me you don't go to the gym and
Speaker 1: lift weights and talk to a guy there and say, hey,
Speaker 1: what are you doing you do? And chest? Do you
Speaker 1: do chest every Monday? I got some cool things you
Speaker 1: want to try it? Maybe we could work out together.
Speaker 1: You're telling me you don't go show a goat and
Speaker 1: go man, that's a beautiful goat you got. Where do
Speaker 1: you live? Y? I live down this road? You live
Speaker 1: down there? Oh good, cool. Hey, maybe we could come
Speaker 1: see the other goat, come see my barn. Sometime. You're
Speaker 1: telling me hunting and fishing, you're telling me there's nobody.
Speaker 1: You go fishing and see another guy fishing and you
Speaker 1: don't have anything in common enough to go up and
Speaker 1: go catching anything. Man, I've been using this purple worm.
Speaker 1: It's actually been doing pretty good. What are you using? What?
Speaker 1: Those are just easy, Matthew, Matthew, this is easy. These
Speaker 1: are easy conversations. It takes effort to do it. It
Speaker 1: takes courage and bravery to go up and approach a
Speaker 1: stranger like that. But you're given the best opportunity with
Speaker 1: these things. Baseball what you can't go to a baseball
Speaker 1: game and find anybody that likes it like you. I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about you being good or bad at the sport.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying you love the game. There's a billion
Speaker 1: other people who love the game. That's an easy way
Speaker 1: for you. If you don't want to do that, I
Speaker 1: think you could just hang on. You could hit the brakes. Wait,
Speaker 1: you're in a season of waiting. This is gonna get good, man,
Speaker 1: life is about to get good. Sixteen is tough, man.
Speaker 1: I don't envy you at all. I don't want to
Speaker 1: be sixteen again. That is tough, man, living with the
Speaker 1: blinders on, wondering if anyone's judging you, or if you
Speaker 1: have any friends at all, or wonder if that girl
Speaker 1: thinks you're cute because you like her but you don't
Speaker 1: know what to say to her, and then wondering if
Speaker 1: you're ever gonna get good grades enough to go to
Speaker 1: tech school or maybe a college, or maybe you'll never
Speaker 1: get a job, or maybe you're just gonna serve French
Speaker 1: fries all day for life. You just don't even know
Speaker 1: where you're going. Your parents are mean, they're restricting you
Speaker 1: from social media, your car's broke down, or maybe you
Speaker 1: don't have a car, you don't have enough money to
Speaker 1: buy a car. I mean, this is like the world
Speaker 1: of a sixteen year old just turning like crazy. It's
Speaker 1: just like shooting bb gun at your face all the time.
Speaker 1: That's what it's like. So I don't envy you, but
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, it's not always like this. Man. You're
Speaker 1: going to figure things out, and you're just like right
Speaker 1: on the cusp of figuring this out, and things are
Speaker 1: going to change. Life is about to get good. Matthew, Wait,
Speaker 1: be patient, hang in there. You're in a good place.
Speaker 1: Next question, subject line says what I didn't say, what
Speaker 1: I didn't do? Hey, Grangeery. My name is Jake, twenty
Speaker 1: one years old from Ditton, Texas. I've been best friends
Speaker 1: with this girl since i've known her. My sophomore year
Speaker 1: of high school, I fell in love with her, but
Speaker 1: I never let any of my feelings known to her
Speaker 1: in fear of ruining our relationship. Our friendship kind of
Speaker 1: fell off and life got busy. We didn't talk as much.
Speaker 1: After I graduated, I joined the Marine Corps, and to
Speaker 1: my surprise, she started sending me letters when I got home.
Speaker 1: We started dating immediately and we were best friends for
Speaker 1: and those were the excuse me we started dating, and
Speaker 1: then they were the best months of my life. After
Speaker 1: five months, she moved further away and put a lot
Speaker 1: of strain on our relationship. I made so many mistakes.
Speaker 1: I didn't try as hard for the relationship. I got comfortable,
Speaker 1: I didn't do the things that she loved about us,
Speaker 1: that we that we began with, and so she broke
Speaker 1: up with me. We don't talk anymore. I carry around
Speaker 1: this horrible guilt that I hurt someone I love so
Speaker 1: deeply and drove her away. How do I forgive myself,
Speaker 1: let go and move on. Thanks for everything you do. Yeah, Jake,
Speaker 1: thanks for the email. Buddy. There is a there is
Speaker 1: a country song from the nineties by Steve Warner that said,
Speaker 1: it's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.
Speaker 1: And that's exactly. That's exactly what's going on. You're you're
Speaker 1: worried about things that you didn't do, and you are
Speaker 1: not alone. This is heartbreak and this is a version
Speaker 1: of it that's very common. And I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 1: if you listen to this podcast before, you'll you've probably
Speaker 1: heard something so but I'm gonna tell you that you're
Speaker 1: you're in a really good place. And you're like, what, no,
Speaker 1: this sucks, this is terrible. I'm gonna tell you you're
Speaker 1: in a really You've just learned a very valuable lesson, okay,
Speaker 1: Because what happened was you love this girl, You courted her,
Speaker 1: you tried so hard. You learned her favorite song, you
Speaker 1: learned her favorite color and her memorized her birthday, knew
Speaker 1: what kind of juice that she liked to drink, and
Speaker 1: you learn what kind of favorite sushi she liked, and
Speaker 1: you learned everything about her and you you just concentrated
Speaker 1: all your efforts on winning this girl's heart. And then
Speaker 1: you did. And then, according to your words, after a
Speaker 1: little strain came on the relationship, you didn't try as hard.
Speaker 1: You got comfortable, You didn't do the things that she
Speaker 1: loved about y'all when you began, and then she broke
Speaker 1: up with you. And that is country music song writing.
Speaker 1: One oh one. You feel horrible guilt. You hurt someone
Speaker 1: you loved so deeply and drove her away because of
Speaker 1: what you stopped doing. You started, and you just came
Speaker 1: out of the gates, and she loved you because you
Speaker 1: did all the right things. You opened all the doors.
Speaker 1: You picked up the bill at the restaurant, and you
Speaker 1: drove her out, and you saw the lake and you
Speaker 1: showed her the stars at night. You told her how
Speaker 1: beautiful she was, and you asked if what her dreams were,
Speaker 1: and you asked if you could be part of those dreams.
Speaker 1: One day and you said all the right things, and
Speaker 1: you said things like there's just something something about us
Speaker 1: that's bigger than us. You said all the right little
Speaker 1: catch phrases right, and she just fell for you, and
Speaker 1: then you got comfortable, and then the true you came
Speaker 1: out and you got lazy, and then she stopped being
Speaker 1: interested and now you're hurt. So what I'm gonna say
Speaker 1: is you're like, well, okay, yeah, I get it, that's
Speaker 1: what I wrote. But what's good about that. What's good
Speaker 1: about it is you're gonna move on. You will move on.
Speaker 1: It just happens. This is what happens. You will move on.
Speaker 1: This will get easier, maybe not tomorrow or next week,
Speaker 1: but eventually time will heal. And then when the time
Speaker 1: is right, as long as it's not a rebound, you're
Speaker 1: gonna meet somebody else and you're gonna get those butterflies again,
Speaker 1: and you're gonna be like, man, I really really like
Speaker 1: this girl, like I gotta feel the fire again. I
Speaker 1: love her, And you're gonna try really hard. And then
Speaker 1: something right around that six month, eight month, one year mark,
Speaker 1: something should kick in at that point that says, oh, hey, Jake,
Speaker 1: it's your conscience. I just talked to your memory. They
Speaker 1: wanted me to remind you of this mistake you made
Speaker 1: a few years ago with this girl that you really loved.
Speaker 1: And then you messed up, and so memory wanted to
Speaker 1: remind conscious that then knocks on your door to remind you, Jake,
Speaker 1: don't do that. Hang in there, pour into this relationship.
Speaker 1: Don't get lazy, don't get comfortable, make an effort. Have
Speaker 1: you taken her out to eat in a while, You
Speaker 1: better do it. Have you told her she's beautiful? You
Speaker 1: better do it. Have you told her how much she
Speaker 1: means to you? Jake, you better do it. But that voice,
Speaker 1: that conscience, of that memory doesn't knock on your door
Speaker 1: unless you have this deep heartbreak that's so painful and
Speaker 1: like from a core level of your body, your body,
Speaker 1: your body goes, Man, this heartbreak is so bad. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna die. I feel like I'm gonna die. And then
Speaker 1: something inside you goes, you know, kicks in all these
Speaker 1: you know, emergency measures, defense mechanisms to go, don't die,
Speaker 1: don't die. Whatever this is, whatever this attack is on
Speaker 1: this body that's gonna kill us. We need to make
Speaker 1: sure this never happens again. So put up this force
Speaker 1: field and put up this defense and make sure whatever
Speaker 1: we did, we don't do it again. And so then
Speaker 1: down the road, you're in a relationship things start going
Speaker 1: down that path, and that defense kicks in and goes, hey,
Speaker 1: remember that time he almost died because you mess this up, Jake,
Speaker 1: don't do this again. Maybe it's time after work to
Speaker 1: go get her favorite color flowers. Remember the favorite flowers
Speaker 1: that she told you about on week two of dating.
Speaker 1: It was yellow roses or whatever. Remember that, when's the
Speaker 1: last time you got yellow roses? Jake? This is your
Speaker 1: conscience talking And you go, oh, yeah, so I think
Speaker 1: I better on the way home from work, stop at
Speaker 1: the grocery store and get some yellow roses and get
Speaker 1: a card, and it says, hey, babe, there's no special occasion.
Speaker 1: I just wanted to tell you what this card, how
Speaker 1: much you mean to me. And then I hope that
Speaker 1: I hope that you allow me to always be there
Speaker 1: for you, because you mean the world to me. You're
Speaker 1: that important, and I'm just thinking about you and I
Speaker 1: want to tell you how much you mean to me.
Speaker 1: Love Jake. And you walk home and you get the
Speaker 1: car and you got the flowers, and you say, have
Speaker 1: I told you in a while how much you mean
Speaker 1: to me? How special you are? And she goes, oh, Jake,
Speaker 1: you haven't done that since the month first month we dated,
Speaker 1: and you're like, no, it's because I mean it. But
Speaker 1: what you don't tell her is deep down you're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: because I messed this up a couple years ago and
Speaker 1: I lost the girl I loved and you don't have
Speaker 1: to tell her and it doesn't matter. But you're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know. I know now because of the heartbreak, because
Speaker 1: it killed me, it crushed me. Because of that, I
Speaker 1: learned from that and I became who I am today.
Speaker 1: So the next girl benefits from you, She benefits from
Speaker 1: this heartbreak that you're going through right now. You need
Speaker 1: this in the same way you need her, your future spouse,
Speaker 1: your future wife, whoever that is. You need her to
Speaker 1: go through some stuff too. You don't want a little
Speaker 1: perfect life to meet yours. You want someone that's been
Speaker 1: through some stuff. And it's like, man, you're a great girl.
Speaker 1: I could say that about my marriage right now. You know.
Speaker 1: I could say that because Amber and I both we
Speaker 1: were with several people before we met each other that
Speaker 1: were just bad, toxic relationships. And through those toxic relationships,
Speaker 1: as we recovered and as we cleaned up the mess,
Speaker 1: when we built back ourselves and re molded our heart,
Speaker 1: back together from the brokenness. We got a little bit
Speaker 1: stronger every time, just like you're about to do. You're
Speaker 1: about to get stronger, Jake. So I want to speak
Speaker 1: that into you. Man. I just want to tell you
Speaker 1: that this heartbreak matters. It's working for you. It's also
Speaker 1: very biblical. That's a pretty bag. That's the story of
Speaker 1: the Bible. Your pain, your suffering has a purpose. Nothing
Speaker 1: is meaningless. It matters for you. But that's a story
Speaker 1: for a different podcast and a different question. Love you guys,
Speaker 1: See you next Monday. Thanks for joining me on the
Speaker 1: Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys. You could
Speaker 1: help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes. If
Speaker 1: you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel. Hit that little
Speaker 1: like button and the notification spell so that you never
Speaker 1: miss anytime I upload a video. If you have a
Speaker 1: question for me that you would like me to answer,
Speaker 1: email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Yi