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Speaker 1: And the reaction he gets through this huge transformation, as

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Speaker 1: you say, I have no desire to stay in this

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Speaker 1: marriage or fight for it. You have broken vows with

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Speaker 1: me that you cannot heal and I cannot forgive you

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Speaker 1: of And because I will not and cannot forgive you

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Speaker 1: of this, I went out. I want nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with you. You animal? What's up? Guys, Welcome to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for listening and watching wherever you're coming from.

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Speaker 1: In this format, I answer your questions. You asked the question,

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Speaker 1: email me Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. I put

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Speaker 1: it in the queue and we get to it. It

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Speaker 1: could be about anything. There are no rules. I ask

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Speaker 1: two things. Guidelines don't ask the same thing twice, don't

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Speaker 1: send multiple emails, and don't make it too much longer

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Speaker 1: than the screen of your phone itself. Otherwise it's a

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Speaker 1: little bit too long to read. In this kind of format,

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Speaker 1: we'll talk about it long form, like we're sitting in

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Speaker 1: a truck. You asked me a question. I'm not always right,

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Speaker 1: but I'll give you the best advice, like we're buddies. Okay,

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Speaker 1: First question, cueued up. Subject line says, I don't know

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Speaker 1: if my best friend wants me in her life. Dear Granger,

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Speaker 1: love the music in the podcast, Please keep me Anonymous.

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Speaker 1: My best friend and I have been hanging out consistently

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Speaker 1: since last year, since we became extremely close. For the

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Speaker 1: last month, she's become very distant and recently recognized it

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Speaker 1: and said that she really doesn't want to hang out

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Speaker 1: with anybody at the moment. She seems like she's going

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Speaker 1: through something but won't tell me and has only been

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Speaker 1: contacting me recently when she needs my help. She's been

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Speaker 1: questioning if she wants me in her life or not.

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Speaker 1: I want her in and it's been killing me because

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Speaker 1: we've been as close as we were over the past

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Speaker 1: few years. I feel like she does. I feel like

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Speaker 1: she does want me because I know the girl who

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Speaker 1: is in there, and she's my best friend. I just

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Speaker 1: want to find out a way to bring her back.

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Speaker 1: I'm a guy. By the way, it says, all right,

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Speaker 1: thank you buddy, thanks, thanks for your email, Anonymous, and

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Speaker 1: let's dive into this. So you have a really close friend,

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Speaker 1: You're a guy. She's a girl, and she's been feeling distant.

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Speaker 1: She's got something going on, and she says, I don't

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Speaker 1: really know if I want to stay friends basically, but

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Speaker 1: you think deep down she really does and she really

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Speaker 1: wants you in her life, and so you're kind of

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Speaker 1: projecting that, and then you say, according to your words,

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Speaker 1: I want her in my life. It's been killing me

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Speaker 1: not to be as close as we were before. Then

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Speaker 1: you go on to say I feel like she does too,

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Speaker 1: because I know the girl who is my best friend

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Speaker 1: is still in there. I just need to find a

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Speaker 1: way to bring her back. All right, Interesting, this is

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Speaker 1: this is yeah, this is fascinating stuff because I want

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Speaker 1: to show you something. I want to show you that

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Speaker 1: that true love in a friendship way in your situation,

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Speaker 1: would be completely selfless. But there are there are hints

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Speaker 1: of your through your email, of you not being as

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Speaker 1: selfless as you could be and leaning more on the

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Speaker 1: scale of selfish. The reason is you're saying I want

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Speaker 1: her in my life. It's killing me. She wants to

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Speaker 1: have space. She says that she just needs to be

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Speaker 1: alone and doesn't want to be close to anybody. But

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Speaker 1: I wonder in my life. I wonder, I wonder, and

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Speaker 1: it's killing me. That's interesting, right, if we put it

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Speaker 1: in that perspective. I'm not really exaggerating you got to

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Speaker 1: admit those are your words. So I'm not totally dramatizing

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Speaker 1: what this really is. But the truth is through love.

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Speaker 1: If if you have a genuine, loving friendship of her,

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Speaker 1: then you would say this. You would say, listen, I

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Speaker 1: really like being around you. I get so much out

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Speaker 1: of this friendship. But this is not about me. I

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Speaker 1: want you to be happy. I want you to do

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Speaker 1: what's best for you. And if you say that you

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Speaker 1: needed me alone, just hey, I'm not going to change

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Speaker 1: my number. Here it is. You know how to find me,

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Speaker 1: you know how to come to my house, you know

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Speaker 1: where to reach me. But I'm going to back off

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Speaker 1: because that's what you want. I'm going to listen to

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Speaker 1: your wishes, but I just want to let you know

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Speaker 1: that I'm here if you need me. Okay, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to give you that space that you need. That's a

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Speaker 1: selfless conversation. That's difficult because the selfish side of you

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Speaker 1: is like, no, I want you, I want you in

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Speaker 1: my life. But I'm just saying this is what she wants.

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Speaker 1: She doesn't really want to hang out with anybody at

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Speaker 1: the moment, so let's give her that. Let's give her

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Speaker 1: that space. We don't know why, and at some level

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Speaker 1: it's just none of our business. I know that you

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Speaker 1: feel like you've earned it. You've earned through friendship a

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Speaker 1: right to know what's going on and a right to

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Speaker 1: speak into her life and a right to help her out.

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Speaker 1: And she can't just come to you when she needs something.

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Speaker 1: I know you feel like you've earned that, but this

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Speaker 1: is her wishes, and all we could do is hope

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Speaker 1: that she comes back one day and just says, you

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Speaker 1: know what, thank you so much for giving me space.

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Speaker 1: That gave me time to clear my head and realize

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Speaker 1: that you're a true friend, because a true friend would

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Speaker 1: listen to my wishes and back off a little bit,

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Speaker 1: and you did, and then I missed you, and then

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Speaker 1: I wanted you back. This is your only move here, buddy.

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Speaker 1: Your only other option is borderline psychotic, like no, once

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Speaker 1: you're my friend, always my friend, and I will hunt

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Speaker 1: you down and tie you up and duct tape your

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Speaker 1: face until you admit that you need me and I

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Speaker 1: am your friend because it's killing me that you're not around.

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Speaker 1: Like that's okay, I'm dramatized, but that's really the other

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Speaker 1: option that you're suggesting. Do nothing against you buddy, nothing

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Speaker 1: against you at all, because I understand the feeling that

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Speaker 1: you're having, But I just wanted to flip it and

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Speaker 1: let you see in the mirror a little bit of

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Speaker 1: what the situation is. Next question, subject line says betrayal.

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Speaker 1: Hey Granger, I'm in a situation I thought i'd never

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Speaker 1: be in. My husband and I have been together for

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Speaker 1: five years, married for one year. Recently, my husband went

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Speaker 1: to a men's conference with our church for the weekend.

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Speaker 1: When he came back, he dropped a few confessions on me.

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Speaker 1: He told me that he lied about sleeping with someone

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Speaker 1: that he was in contact with early in our relationship.

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Speaker 1: He admitted to an addiction to pornography since before we met,

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Speaker 1: and he admitted that he kissed, felt up flirted with

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Speaker 1: another woman at his bachelor party two months before our wedding.

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Speaker 1: All of these things are things that I had expressed

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Speaker 1: and asked him about, and he lied to my face

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Speaker 1: for years. I am angry. I feel betray I feel robbed.

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Speaker 1: Our vows were broken before I even met him, or

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Speaker 1: before I even said them, and I have no desire

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Speaker 1: to stay in this marriage or fight for it. I

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Speaker 1: need an outside and objective perspective. I feel hopeless. I

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Speaker 1: would like to remain anonymous. Okay, anonymous, you are going

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Speaker 1: to get exactly what you ask for, an outside objective perspective.

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Speaker 1: And this is what I'm gonna give to you because

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Speaker 1: I don't know you, and you barely know me, and

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Speaker 1: I have no reason to lead you astray or I I

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Speaker 1: have no reason to sugarcoat this. I have only one

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Speaker 1: objective here, and that's to give you what I believe

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Speaker 1: is the truth. And as I did in the last question,

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Speaker 1: I want to take a mirror. I want to flip

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Speaker 1: it around to you and your story, and I want you,

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Speaker 1: I want you to gaze into this mirror for just

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Speaker 1: a second. After that, it's completely up to you. But

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Speaker 1: this is the perspective I want to give you. Think,

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Speaker 1: let's unpack this for a second. First of all, First

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Speaker 1: of all, let me start with this. I'm so sorry

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Speaker 1: that you're dealing with this because this is difficult. This

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Speaker 1: is devastating, shattering stuff. Okay, So don't let's not lose

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Speaker 1: that in this conversation that I'm about to have with you.

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Speaker 1: Let's not lose the fact that this is just this

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Speaker 1: is just this sucks, This is tough, for you. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I hear, I hear you. I'm listening to what you're saying.

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Speaker 1: But let me dive into what I think you need

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Speaker 1: to hear right now. Your husband went to a men's

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Speaker 1: conference with your church for the weekend, and he heard

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Speaker 1: some things in that message. He was around other men,

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Speaker 1: wise men, probably good counsel men that he could confide in,

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Speaker 1: and that they confided in him, and they shared in

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Speaker 1: some things that you and I don't even know about.

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Speaker 1: But what I think happened was, I think this was

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Speaker 1: a very productive conference. And I love that he went there,

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Speaker 1: and I love that he was around this wise counsel

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Speaker 1: and I love that he had this epiphany in his

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Speaker 1: life that he needed to bring the things that were

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Speaker 1: in the dark out to the light. He needed to

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Speaker 1: shine a light on them because he couldn't hold him

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Speaker 1: in the dark any longer. He had a couple skeletons

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Speaker 1: in the closet and he wanted to clean that closet out,

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Speaker 1: open the door, sweep it out, and show everyone around

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Speaker 1: him that the closet is now clean. That's what he

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Speaker 1: felt compelled to do. That only a men's conference with

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Speaker 1: a good church and a bunch of good men, preaching

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Speaker 1: the gospel, getting deep in the word that only that

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Speaker 1: kind of situation could do. So he comes and imagine,

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Speaker 1: imagine how difficult it was for him to be at

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Speaker 1: this conference and to be stirred so much and brought

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Speaker 1: to tears and broken as a man, just broken all

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Speaker 1: the way down to his core, facing the sin that

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Speaker 1: he's been hiding in the closet for years. And his

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Speaker 1: heart's pounding, and he builds up the courage and he goes,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna, I'm gonna bring everything out into the light,

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna bring my wife in and because I

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Speaker 1: love her so much, and because because I want to

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Speaker 1: fight for this marriage, because I because I need this

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Speaker 1: marriage so bad in my life. I'm gonna bring all

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Speaker 1: this out and I'm gonna clean up, and I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: get rid of this guilt, and I'm gonna forgive, and

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Speaker 1: I forgive myself and I'm gonna move on. I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: learn from it. And so I'm driving home and I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna go tell my wife and I'm just distraught about this,

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Speaker 1: and I got tears in my eyes and my heart's pounding,

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Speaker 1: and I've got goosebumps down my arms, and I come

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Speaker 1: in and I dump this on my wife, and I

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Speaker 1: know it's not gonna be easy for it he her

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Speaker 1: to hear. He knows you, he knows this, it's gonna

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Speaker 1: be hard for you to hear it. And he pours

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Speaker 1: it out, and the reaction he gets through this huge transformation,

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Speaker 1: as you say, I have no desire to stay in

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Speaker 1: this marriage or fight for it. You have broken vows

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Speaker 1: with me that you cannot heal and I cannot forgive

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Speaker 1: you of And because I will not and cannot forgive

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Speaker 1: you of this, I went out. I want nothing to

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Speaker 1: do with you. You animal, get away from me. I

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Speaker 1: want nothing to do with you. I'd have no desire

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Speaker 1: to fight anymore. Now you see what happened, Like I

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Speaker 1: flipped the mirror on you for a second, and I

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Speaker 1: didn't tell you anything that wasn't exactly what you wrote

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Speaker 1: in your email. That's what happened. So let me flip

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Speaker 1: scenario a little bit on you. The stuff that happened

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Speaker 1: in his past, the mistakes that he made, and yes

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Speaker 1: they were mistakes. Those mistakes already happened. They happened before

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Speaker 1: you knew about it. Nothing changed when he told you

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Speaker 1: he didn't just do it. He didn't just manifest this.

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Speaker 1: It already was done when you said your vowels. You

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Speaker 1: didn't even know it. And so now that you do,

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Speaker 1: you're mad at him. So let me flip the scenario.

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Speaker 1: The other scenario is he doesn't tell you. That's the

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Speaker 1: easier thing to do. That's the easier thing for this

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Speaker 1: husband to do is just keep it a secret, never

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Speaker 1: say anything. How does that change it for you? Now?

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Speaker 1: Not only did it still happen, but now he's lying

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Speaker 1: about it and you don't even know about it. What's better? Now?

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Speaker 1: Maybe you're thinking, I just don't want him anyway? What's

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Speaker 1: crazy about the whole thing? And I say this in

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Speaker 1: love and I I'm just speaking the truth. The objective

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Speaker 1: perspective you ask for what's crazy about it is are

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Speaker 1: you perfect? Are you absolutely perfect in this marriage? Are

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Speaker 1: you absolutely perfect in your life? Because you have no

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Speaker 1: desire to forgive him, no desire to compromise or fight

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Speaker 1: for the marriage? Does he deserve that? Are you perfect

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Speaker 1: enough to be someone that can never forgive? Did you

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Speaker 1: know that you're forgiven? Did you know that God has

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Speaker 1: forgiven you? Isn't that crazy? That's the story of the Gospel.

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Speaker 1: All of us have fallen short of the glory of God.

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Speaker 1: We're all since we were born. I mean, it's when

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Speaker 1: we first talk. One of the first words we say

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Speaker 1: is no rebellion. We are rebels by nature, and we

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Speaker 1: try to hide it and we try to act. I know,

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Speaker 1: I'm a good person. I'm a righteous person. I walk

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Speaker 1: old ladies across the street. I mean genuinely, I'm pretty good. Like.

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Speaker 1: I do a couple bad things, but mostly I do

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Speaker 1: good things and that should outweigh the bad. God says, no,

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Speaker 1: you messed up, but I forgive you, and you're gonna

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Speaker 1: look at God and say, yeah, thanks God. But I

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Speaker 1: can't forgive my husband because he went to a church retreat,

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Speaker 1: got with some good men, had some really good, difficult,

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Speaker 1: stirring conversations, came back to me, pulled a few skeletons

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Speaker 1: out of the closet, and I cannot forgive them. Man,

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry. What does that say? What does that say

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Speaker 1: about you? You don't have to listen to me. You

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Speaker 1: could just stop right Maybe you already stopped listening. You've

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Speaker 1: been listening to this podcast for a long time, and

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Speaker 1: then I got to you, and now you turned it off,

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Speaker 1: and you're like, I'm done with this guy Granger. Maybe

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Speaker 1: maybe someone else needs to hear it. Maybe someone that's

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Speaker 1: not you Anonymous is listening and going ooh, that hits

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Speaker 1: close to home with me. Something to think about. What

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Speaker 1: would it take for you to go to him today

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Speaker 1: and say, I am so hurt by this betrayal, but

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Speaker 1: I will not let this get in the way of

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Speaker 1: our marriage because I forgive you, and I'm willing today

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Speaker 1: to start again new with you, because I can't imagine

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Speaker 1: how hard it was for you to tell me this

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Speaker 1: after so many years, and then to hear me react

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Speaker 1: the way I did, And I'm so sorry, and I

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Speaker 1: forgive you and I love you, and I want to

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Speaker 1: start again. I want to start fresh with you right

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Speaker 1: here today, on this day. I want to start fresh

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Speaker 1: with you. What would he say to that? He would say, amen,

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Speaker 1: thank God for this men's conference. But what do you

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Speaker 1: think he's thinking right now? My life is falling apart

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Speaker 1: because I tried to do the right thing. It's a

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Speaker 1: lot to think about, but that is that's my objective perspective.

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Speaker 1: Let's hit another one, and the subject line is similar,

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Speaker 1: So I don't know where this is going, but it

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Speaker 1: says my husband's PTSD is ruining our marriage, So here

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Speaker 1: we go again. Another wife says, hey, Granger, my husband

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Speaker 1: has severe PTSD and anxiety depression from his traumatic childhood

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Speaker 1: and three deployments to Iraq. We've been together for six

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Speaker 1: and a half years, and as his mental health continues

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Speaker 1: to decline, so does our marriage. He treats me awfully,

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Speaker 1: and then a few hours later he says he's sorry

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Speaker 1: and that he can't control his anger. I don't feel

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Speaker 1: like I can handle being his emotional punching bag anymore.

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Speaker 1: We have two kids, and I'd feel so guilty leaving

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Speaker 1: him for his mental health issues. He won't try therapy

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Speaker 1: or stay on his medicine. What should I do? Okay?

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Speaker 1: A question comes from Jocelyn and Jocelyn, thank you. Let

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Speaker 1: me say this first. Let me start with this, thank

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Speaker 1: you for your service to this country. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if anyone's told you that lately or ever, but wives, husbands,

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Speaker 1: spouses of men and women that are deployed or have

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Speaker 1: been deployed, or suffer from PTSD or anything like that.

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Speaker 1: You are serving in your own way to this country,

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Speaker 1: and we are indebted to you for that reason, the

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Speaker 1: lifestyle we live, the democracy we live in, is indebted

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Speaker 1: to you, So thank you. I don't want you to

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Speaker 1: be an emotional punching bag either anymore. I don't want

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Speaker 1: that for you. None of us do. None of us

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Speaker 1: listening want you to be an emotional punching bag for

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Speaker 1: this guy. But I want you to see it from

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Speaker 1: this perspective. I know many people with PTSD. I know

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Speaker 1: many returning soldiers, and I know many that have taken

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Speaker 1: their own lives. One time, I did a documentary on

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Speaker 1: five soldiers that lost their lives in war, and I

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Speaker 1: told the backstory of who they were and who they

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Speaker 1: were in their community, and gave light to their spouse

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Speaker 1: and their kids, or their mother or their grandparents or

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Speaker 1: their friends. And one of them out of the five

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Speaker 1: died by suicide. And it was so interesting going through

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Speaker 1: this story and the documentaries on YouTube. It's called they

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Speaker 1: were There, a Hero's documentary. But this one guy was

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Speaker 1: just like the life of the party. Was he was amazing.

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Speaker 1: Dylan was his name. And we went through old home

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Speaker 1: footage and we went through friends and interviewed him and family,

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Speaker 1: and it was just such a guy. Like the guy

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Speaker 1: everyone wants to be around, Like if he walks in

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Speaker 1: the room, you want to be next to Dylan. That

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Speaker 1: was him and one deployment, one of several, but his

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Speaker 1: last one. Something happened over there that he never wanted

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Speaker 1: to talk about. It involved a child, and I'm not

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Speaker 1: sure exactly what happened, but I think it was and

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Speaker 1: I'm not even sure if I should say it on

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Speaker 1: this podcast, but it was an injury inflicted on a

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Speaker 1: child on accident, but it was required for his convoy's

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Speaker 1: duty and it really really messed him up. And when

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Speaker 1: I say messed him up, I'm not talking about he

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Speaker 1: was having a bad day, or it made him grumpy,

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Speaker 1: or it made him sad. I'm talking about it chemically

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Speaker 1: disconnected something in his brain, like something was injured inside

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Speaker 1: his brain, two nerves disconnected and never touched again, and

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Speaker 1: it changed his personality, changed who he was, and when

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Speaker 1: he came back, he was never the same. And he

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Speaker 1: fought and fought with this PTSD, he fought with this injury,

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Speaker 1: and no one could really help him. He ended up

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Speaker 1: taking his own life. It's so interesting. When I shot

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Speaker 1: this documentary, for the first time ever, I realized that

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Speaker 1: Dylan never came home from Afghanistan, not the Dylan we knew,

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Speaker 1: who was a different version of him, the injured version.

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Speaker 1: When men and women come back after an explosion, ied explosion,

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Speaker 1: let's say, and they lose a limb, they're missing a leg,

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Speaker 1: we could identify that injury. We could see them. We

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Speaker 1: could see that they're missing a leg. We could treat accordingly.

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Speaker 1: We have therapy, We have all kinds of things to

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Speaker 1: help them walk again and get a prosthetic leg. We

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Speaker 1: build them houses, and we build handrails, and we make

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Speaker 1: showers that are great for them. We deal with their

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Speaker 1: pain afterward. But when someone has an injury in the brain,

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Speaker 1: we don't understand that as well because we can't see

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Speaker 1: it on an X ray. But not all injuries can

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Speaker 1: be seen with the naked eye. And PTSD is a killer.

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Speaker 1: There is an injury that could happen like that that

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Speaker 1: is a killer. And that's why so many men and

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Speaker 1: women take their lives by suicide. All this to say, Jocelyn,

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Speaker 1: I want you to see, and I'm sure you do,

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Speaker 1: but I want to reassure you that what you're dealing

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Speaker 1: with with is an injured man that is not your husband.

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Speaker 1: Right now, I do believe that this can be repaired

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Speaker 1: and healed with the right treatment. If you had written

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Speaker 1: this email and said, my husband suffers from dementia and

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Speaker 1: sometimes he gets very angry and yells at me and

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Speaker 1: then apologizes, everyone would say, yeah, that's dementia. My grandma

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Speaker 1: had that. I knew a man down the street that

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Speaker 1: had that. We would say that that's dementia. But for

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Speaker 1: some reason, with PTSD, we don't look at it that way.

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Speaker 1: We look at it almost like it's their fault and

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Speaker 1: we blame them and we say, I don't know what

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Speaker 1: to do, I don't know if I want this marriage anymore.

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Speaker 1: But we don't say that with dementia. So now I

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Speaker 1: haven't given you anything practical. I've just given you kind

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Speaker 1: of just a thirty thousand foot overview of the way

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Speaker 1: I'm seeing this. He needs help, and he's going to

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Speaker 1: need professional help from people that know, preferably from people

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Speaker 1: that have experienced this before, someone that can come in

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Speaker 1: and go, dude, I know what you're going through because

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Speaker 1: I did too, and this is the way I got

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Speaker 1: out of it. Follow me. Let me show you a

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Speaker 1: couple of things. Let me show you some things. You

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Speaker 1: gotta do. This is the kind of treatment he needs,

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Speaker 1: and he needs it right now. You will You have

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Speaker 1: a good chance of losing him if something doesn't change

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Speaker 1: right now. Also, I want to say, if things are

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Speaker 1: crazy in the house, you do have a right to leave,

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Speaker 1: but don't give up on him. If you leave and

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Speaker 1: go and live in somebody else's house and get the

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Speaker 1: kids away, because maybe they don't need to see this

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Speaker 1: anger right now, don't give up on him. Don't be

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Speaker 1: angry back, don't reciprocate that anger. So take the kids

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Speaker 1: and go to a different house, but make sure you're

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Speaker 1: there all the time with him, checking in on him.

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Speaker 1: He needs your help. It's life and death. That's serious.

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Speaker 1: He needs doctors, He needs men that have been through

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Speaker 1: this to talk to him, to speak into his life. Today,

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Speaker 1: not tomorrow, not next week, not six months when you

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Speaker 1: finally research the right person. We need to move now

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Speaker 1: on this And I just want you to see it,

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Speaker 1: and I want to say thank you for your service,

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Speaker 1: and this is I'm so sorry. Let's take a break

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Speaker 1: and be right back. Guys, sincerely, thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for listening to this podcast and supporting it. If you

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Speaker 1: love it, please share it with a friend. And rate

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00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,080
Speaker 1: it on this platform that you're using right now. That

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00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,160
Speaker 1: really helps me, and it helps get the word out too.

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Speaker 1: If you want to get a hold of me, or

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00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,920
Speaker 1: maybe get something special for somebody, you could always get

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00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:46,720
Speaker 1: a cameo from me. I literally take my phone and

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00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:49,719
Speaker 1: I record a video just for you, saying whatever you

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00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,159
Speaker 1: need me to say, Happy anniversary, happy birthday, maybe some

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00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:56,199
Speaker 1: words of encouragement, whatever it is you could dream up.

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Speaker 1: Go to cameo dot com slash Granger Smith. You could

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00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:03,080
Speaker 1: also download the cameo app and search for me Granger Smith.

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00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,400
Speaker 1: It's super easy. You just make a request, you type

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00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,439
Speaker 1: in what you want me to say. I do it

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Speaker 1: just like a FaceTime call or a Skype message, and

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Speaker 1: it goes right to you. Then you have it and

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00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,160
Speaker 1: you could share it with your friend. It's really cool.

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Speaker 1: I've been doing this for several years now and it's

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Speaker 1: super easy. Cameo dot com slash Grangersmith. Back to the podcast,

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Speaker 1: all right. Back to the inbox here. Grangersmith podcast at

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Speaker 1: gmail dot com is where you need to send your questions.

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Speaker 1: Subject line here says how do I get people to

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Speaker 1: talk to me? Hey Granger, my name is Matthew. I'm

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Speaker 1: sixteen years old. Love watching the Smith and listening to

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Speaker 1: your music. I'm in a Christian home and every morning

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Speaker 1: I choose to wake up thirty minutes early so I

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Speaker 1: could read a chapter of the Bible and practice playing guitar.

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Speaker 1: I've been going to the same school my whole life,

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Speaker 1: and the town is so nice, but I rarely get

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Speaker 1: to talk to anyone, and I want to change that.

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Speaker 1: To explain a little bit more, I've tried multiple times

428
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,280
Speaker 1: to talk to different people, switch my friend groups up,

429
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 1: but they seem to have little interest to talk to me.

430
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,439
Speaker 1: I thought about it because maybe because I was boring,

431
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,840
Speaker 1: but I can't think of many things to talk about.

432
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,760
Speaker 1: My parents don't allow me to have any social media

433
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,400
Speaker 1: except for YouTube, which is fine, but I don't ever

434
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 1: have many social interactions. I have multiple hobbies, including hunting, fishing,

435
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:24,840
Speaker 1: showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs, and playing baseball. But

436
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: there are only a handful of people in these hobbies

437
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 1: and they always seem to talk to someone else and

438
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,359
Speaker 1: they avoid me. I had one decent friend, but we

439
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,119
Speaker 1: don't see each other anymore because he moved to a

440
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:37,520
Speaker 1: different school. I know this may be a weird topic,

441
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:41,719
Speaker 1: but I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks Matthew, Matthew Buddy,

442
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,880
Speaker 1: thanks for emailing man. Sixteen years old? What an age,

443
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:50,280
Speaker 1: what a transformational age you are in. I remember it.

444
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,960
Speaker 1: It is awkward. I'm sorry. I remember being sixteen. It's

445
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:58,360
Speaker 1: like it's like a horse with blinders. You can't really

446
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,000
Speaker 1: see to the right or to the left. You don't

447
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,359
Speaker 1: don't really know at all what's going on behind you.

448
00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:06,320
Speaker 1: You only know what's happening just directly ahead of you.

449
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 1: Look back, and you know that's actually a brain development thing,

450
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,600
Speaker 1: like that's a real thing. Only had the capacity to

451
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 1: see right ahead of you. And I remember that, and

452
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,240
Speaker 1: I look back and I'm like, oh man, all I

453
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:20,720
Speaker 1: had to do is look right or left, and I

454
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,240
Speaker 1: never did not for a few more years. And so

455
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,440
Speaker 1: I want to say I empathize with where you are,

456
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 1: and I understand everything you're saying. And what I want

457
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,679
Speaker 1: to tell you is a couple of things. First, I

458
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,200
Speaker 1: want to say, hang on, just hang in there, man,

459
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,359
Speaker 1: hang in there. You're getting up every morning thirty minutes early,

460
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,880
Speaker 1: playing guitar, reading the Bible. It sounds like you got

461
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,040
Speaker 1: some good parents. You live in a nice little town,

462
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:49,720
Speaker 1: you go to school nice little school. Hang in there,

463
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,280
Speaker 1: because it could be a lot worse. You could be

464
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,240
Speaker 1: a lot in a lot worse situations. And you only

465
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,159
Speaker 1: have a couple more years at home. You're about to

466
00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 1: go see the world. You're about to spread your wings

467
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,840
Speaker 1: and fly, and that's coming about eighteen, So you literally

468
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,880
Speaker 1: have just a little bit more time. And I want

469
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:13,439
Speaker 1: you to just hang in there, wait, be patient, and

470
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,159
Speaker 1: I want to say some other things. I want to

471
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:19,400
Speaker 1: encourage you in a couple of ways. Reassure you. Your

472
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 1: parents are not allowing you to be on social media

473
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:30,160
Speaker 1: except YouTube, Buddy. I think that is awesome. I think

474
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:33,640
Speaker 1: you were growing in ways that you can't yet understand,

475
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:37,200
Speaker 1: and you're being shielded from things that are going to

476
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:40,560
Speaker 1: hurt you in a way that you can't yet understand.

477
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,960
Speaker 1: And your parents do and they know this. And one

478
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,840
Speaker 1: day you will be on social media maybe, but you'll choose.

479
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:48,480
Speaker 1: You'll get to decide if you're going to do it

480
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,160
Speaker 1: or not. And when you do, I think you're going

481
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:55,280
Speaker 1: to get on there and go, Man, I wasn't missing anything.

482
00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:59,360
Speaker 1: We literally look at this, buddy. We go on TikTok

483
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:05,680
Speaker 1: and this is what TikTok does, for example, and this podcast.

484
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:07,320
Speaker 1: I have a lot of credit to give to TikTok

485
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:09,600
Speaker 1: for this podcast because it drives a lot of traffic here.

486
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:11,640
Speaker 1: But I want to tell you the dangers of it

487
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:15,080
Speaker 1: if you just randomly, if you're not going to just

488
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 1: see one thing, then you just randomly get on there

489
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,719
Speaker 1: and you go from this guy who's like giving you

490
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:26,000
Speaker 1: this life advice and you're all focused in listening, and

491
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,360
Speaker 1: then you flip it, and then there's this guy talking

492
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 1: about his mom has terminal cancer and he's in the

493
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,320
Speaker 1: hospital bringing her flowers and she's saying her last words,

494
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:36,360
Speaker 1: and now you're crying, and then you flip it again.

495
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 1: Now it's this funny cat doing this little trick, and

496
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,760
Speaker 1: you start laughing. And these are all like in twenty

497
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:46,760
Speaker 1: second increments. You're going from serious study and concentration to

498
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:50,560
Speaker 1: complete mourning and sadness to laughing at a kiddy cat,

499
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,000
Speaker 1: all within the course of a minute and a half.

500
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,600
Speaker 1: That just can't be good for the brain. It can't

501
00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:58,400
Speaker 1: be good to get us like a ping pong ball

502
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:00,880
Speaker 1: and just make us this ping pong ball of emotions,

503
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:02,640
Speaker 1: like feel this, feel this, look at this, look at this,

504
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,680
Speaker 1: shiny shiny, shiny look at this, Hey, hey, hey, here

505
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,840
Speaker 1: we are. That's what social media is doing. Your parents

506
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:09,920
Speaker 1: know it, and they're keeping you from it. And I'm dude,

507
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:12,000
Speaker 1: I think it's great. I think it's good parenting. I

508
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:14,840
Speaker 1: don't think there's anything wrong with it. Like some people

509
00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:17,760
Speaker 1: may be like, that's a little strict. I would rather

510
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:21,640
Speaker 1: lean on the strict side than to be on the

511
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,520
Speaker 1: other side where it's like, yo, I want you to

512
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:27,240
Speaker 1: socially evolve and be, you know, like a little butterfly

513
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,120
Speaker 1: with all your your friends, and I want you to

514
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:30,880
Speaker 1: just go out there and do everything they're doing. So

515
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:34,200
Speaker 1: get on socials. And the damage that can cause is

516
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:36,800
Speaker 1: there's a lot higher percentage of damage that that can

517
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:40,320
Speaker 1: cause than the damage of saying we're going to be

518
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:43,160
Speaker 1: strict and not let you get on at all. I

519
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:46,840
Speaker 1: think you have a lot better chance of succeeding, being successful,

520
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 1: and being socially acceptable in a world without social media

521
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 1: at age sixteen. So I just want to affirm that

522
00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:56,240
Speaker 1: with you that I think you're in a good house.

523
00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:59,240
Speaker 1: I think you're in a good spot, and I think

524
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,560
Speaker 1: you're in a just a peerd of waiting right now. Dude,

525
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,880
Speaker 1: you like hunting, fishing, showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs,

526
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:08,360
Speaker 1: playing baseball. I got one bad thing to say to you.

527
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,760
Speaker 1: This is my only negative I'm gonna throw at you,

528
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:15,720
Speaker 1: Matthew that next sentence you say, but there are only

529
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 1: a handful of people in these hobbies. Come on, bro,

530
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 1: really what? I kind of want to slap you right now?

531
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 1: Hunting fishing, showing goats, lifting weights, training dogs, playing baseball.

532
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,920
Speaker 1: You're telling me there's only a small group of people

533
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,280
Speaker 1: that do those things, Like baseball is the American game,

534
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:39,480
Speaker 1: that's like America's pastime or whatever they call it. Hunting fishing,

535
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 1: how there's billions of people that do that, right, lifting weights,

536
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:49,640
Speaker 1: like every other person does that. So I'm gonna kind

537
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 1: of blame you a little bit, Matthew, and go Bro.

538
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:55,200
Speaker 1: You're telling me you don't go to the gym and

539
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 1: lift weights and talk to a guy there and say, hey,

540
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:01,440
Speaker 1: what are you doing you do? And chest? Do you

541
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:04,760
Speaker 1: do chest every Monday? I got some cool things you

542
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:06,560
Speaker 1: want to try it? Maybe we could work out together.

543
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 1: You're telling me you don't go show a goat and

544
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:14,800
Speaker 1: go man, that's a beautiful goat you got. Where do

545
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 1: you live? Y? I live down this road? You live

546
00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 1: down there? Oh good, cool. Hey, maybe we could come

547
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:23,440
Speaker 1: see the other goat, come see my barn. Sometime. You're

548
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,720
Speaker 1: telling me hunting and fishing, you're telling me there's nobody.

549
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: You go fishing and see another guy fishing and you

550
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 1: don't have anything in common enough to go up and

551
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,760
Speaker 1: go catching anything. Man, I've been using this purple worm.

552
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,840
Speaker 1: It's actually been doing pretty good. What are you using? What?

553
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:43,480
Speaker 1: Those are just easy, Matthew, Matthew, this is easy. These

554
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:47,320
Speaker 1: are easy conversations. It takes effort to do it. It

555
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 1: takes courage and bravery to go up and approach a

556
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,320
Speaker 1: stranger like that. But you're given the best opportunity with

557
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:57,400
Speaker 1: these things. Baseball what you can't go to a baseball

558
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,760
Speaker 1: game and find anybody that likes it like you. I'm

559
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 1: not talking about you being good or bad at the sport.

560
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:05,600
Speaker 1: I'm just saying you love the game. There's a billion

561
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:09,760
Speaker 1: other people who love the game. That's an easy way

562
00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:12,720
Speaker 1: for you. If you don't want to do that, I

563
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 1: think you could just hang on. You could hit the brakes. Wait,

564
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:20,400
Speaker 1: you're in a season of waiting. This is gonna get good, man,

565
00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:24,040
Speaker 1: life is about to get good. Sixteen is tough, man.

566
00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:25,920
Speaker 1: I don't envy you at all. I don't want to

567
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,880
Speaker 1: be sixteen again. That is tough, man, living with the

568
00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,840
Speaker 1: blinders on, wondering if anyone's judging you, or if you

569
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:33,720
Speaker 1: have any friends at all, or wonder if that girl

570
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,520
Speaker 1: thinks you're cute because you like her but you don't

571
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:36,959
Speaker 1: know what to say to her, and then wondering if

572
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:39,040
Speaker 1: you're ever gonna get good grades enough to go to

573
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,040
Speaker 1: tech school or maybe a college, or maybe you'll never

574
00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:43,120
Speaker 1: get a job, or maybe you're just gonna serve French

575
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 1: fries all day for life. You just don't even know

576
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:47,360
Speaker 1: where you're going. Your parents are mean, they're restricting you

577
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:49,800
Speaker 1: from social media, your car's broke down, or maybe you

578
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:51,200
Speaker 1: don't have a car, you don't have enough money to

579
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:53,000
Speaker 1: buy a car. I mean, this is like the world

580
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,800
Speaker 1: of a sixteen year old just turning like crazy. It's

581
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:58,520
Speaker 1: just like shooting bb gun at your face all the time.

582
00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:02,280
Speaker 1: That's what it's like. So I don't envy you, but

583
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:04,880
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, it's not always like this. Man. You're

584
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:07,760
Speaker 1: going to figure things out, and you're just like right

585
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:10,080
Speaker 1: on the cusp of figuring this out, and things are

586
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:13,399
Speaker 1: going to change. Life is about to get good. Matthew, Wait,

587
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,960
Speaker 1: be patient, hang in there. You're in a good place.

588
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:25,120
Speaker 1: Next question, subject line says what I didn't say, what

589
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:27,400
Speaker 1: I didn't do? Hey, Grangeery. My name is Jake, twenty

590
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:30,360
Speaker 1: one years old from Ditton, Texas. I've been best friends

591
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:33,040
Speaker 1: with this girl since i've known her. My sophomore year

592
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:35,239
Speaker 1: of high school, I fell in love with her, but

593
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:38,359
Speaker 1: I never let any of my feelings known to her

594
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:40,920
Speaker 1: in fear of ruining our relationship. Our friendship kind of

595
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,359
Speaker 1: fell off and life got busy. We didn't talk as much.

596
00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:47,359
Speaker 1: After I graduated, I joined the Marine Corps, and to

597
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:50,399
Speaker 1: my surprise, she started sending me letters when I got home.

598
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:54,000
Speaker 1: We started dating immediately and we were best friends for

599
00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 1: and those were the excuse me we started dating, and

600
00:34:57,680 --> 00:34:59,759
Speaker 1: then they were the best months of my life. After

601
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,759
Speaker 1: five months, she moved further away and put a lot

602
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,719
Speaker 1: of strain on our relationship. I made so many mistakes.

603
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:08,799
Speaker 1: I didn't try as hard for the relationship. I got comfortable,

604
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:12,279
Speaker 1: I didn't do the things that she loved about us,

605
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,959
Speaker 1: that we that we began with, and so she broke

606
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:17,399
Speaker 1: up with me. We don't talk anymore. I carry around

607
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 1: this horrible guilt that I hurt someone I love so

608
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:22,760
Speaker 1: deeply and drove her away. How do I forgive myself,

609
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:28,000
Speaker 1: let go and move on. Thanks for everything you do. Yeah, Jake,

610
00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:31,800
Speaker 1: thanks for the email. Buddy. There is a there is

611
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:35,840
Speaker 1: a country song from the nineties by Steve Warner that said,

612
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 1: it's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.

613
00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:45,600
Speaker 1: And that's exactly. That's exactly what's going on. You're you're

614
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,799
Speaker 1: worried about things that you didn't do, and you are

615
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:52,480
Speaker 1: not alone. This is heartbreak and this is a version

616
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:56,680
Speaker 1: of it that's very common. And I'm gonna tell you

617
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:59,320
Speaker 1: if you listen to this podcast before, you'll you've probably

618
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:01,120
Speaker 1: heard something so but I'm gonna tell you that you're

619
00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:04,960
Speaker 1: you're in a really good place. And you're like, what, no,

620
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:07,720
Speaker 1: this sucks, this is terrible. I'm gonna tell you you're

621
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:13,360
Speaker 1: in a really You've just learned a very valuable lesson, okay,

622
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:19,319
Speaker 1: Because what happened was you love this girl, You courted her,

623
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:23,400
Speaker 1: you tried so hard. You learned her favorite song, you

624
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:27,239
Speaker 1: learned her favorite color and her memorized her birthday, knew

625
00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:29,919
Speaker 1: what kind of juice that she liked to drink, and

626
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,840
Speaker 1: you learn what kind of favorite sushi she liked, and

627
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:36,759
Speaker 1: you learned everything about her and you you just concentrated

628
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:40,359
Speaker 1: all your efforts on winning this girl's heart. And then

629
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:45,920
Speaker 1: you did. And then, according to your words, after a

630
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,479
Speaker 1: little strain came on the relationship, you didn't try as hard.

631
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:52,560
Speaker 1: You got comfortable, You didn't do the things that she

632
00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:56,680
Speaker 1: loved about y'all when you began, and then she broke

633
00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:01,320
Speaker 1: up with you. And that is country music song writing.

634
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 1: One oh one. You feel horrible guilt. You hurt someone

635
00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:10,759
Speaker 1: you loved so deeply and drove her away because of

636
00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:14,799
Speaker 1: what you stopped doing. You started, and you just came

637
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 1: out of the gates, and she loved you because you

638
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:20,560
Speaker 1: did all the right things. You opened all the doors.

639
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:24,120
Speaker 1: You picked up the bill at the restaurant, and you

640
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,160
Speaker 1: drove her out, and you saw the lake and you

641
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,319
Speaker 1: showed her the stars at night. You told her how

642
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:33,600
Speaker 1: beautiful she was, and you asked if what her dreams were,

643
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,400
Speaker 1: and you asked if you could be part of those dreams.

644
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 1: One day and you said all the right things, and

645
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:42,440
Speaker 1: you said things like there's just something something about us

646
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:45,000
Speaker 1: that's bigger than us. You said all the right little

647
00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:49,279
Speaker 1: catch phrases right, and she just fell for you, and

648
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,040
Speaker 1: then you got comfortable, and then the true you came

649
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:54,719
Speaker 1: out and you got lazy, and then she stopped being

650
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:59,520
Speaker 1: interested and now you're hurt. So what I'm gonna say

651
00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:01,799
Speaker 1: is you're like, well, okay, yeah, I get it, that's

652
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:05,000
Speaker 1: what I wrote. But what's good about that. What's good

653
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,120
Speaker 1: about it is you're gonna move on. You will move on.

654
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:12,400
Speaker 1: It just happens. This is what happens. You will move on.

655
00:38:13,719 --> 00:38:17,200
Speaker 1: This will get easier, maybe not tomorrow or next week,

656
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:21,160
Speaker 1: but eventually time will heal. And then when the time

657
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:22,920
Speaker 1: is right, as long as it's not a rebound, you're

658
00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:26,720
Speaker 1: gonna meet somebody else and you're gonna get those butterflies again,

659
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,480
Speaker 1: and you're gonna be like, man, I really really like

660
00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:32,640
Speaker 1: this girl, like I gotta feel the fire again. I

661
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:37,239
Speaker 1: love her, And you're gonna try really hard. And then

662
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:41,000
Speaker 1: something right around that six month, eight month, one year mark,

663
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 1: something should kick in at that point that says, oh, hey, Jake,

664
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:52,080
Speaker 1: it's your conscience. I just talked to your memory. They

665
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,200
Speaker 1: wanted me to remind you of this mistake you made

666
00:38:55,239 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: a few years ago with this girl that you really loved.

667
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,279
Speaker 1: And then you messed up, and so memory wanted to

668
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:04,399
Speaker 1: remind conscious that then knocks on your door to remind you, Jake,

669
00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:10,880
Speaker 1: don't do that. Hang in there, pour into this relationship.

670
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:16,040
Speaker 1: Don't get lazy, don't get comfortable, make an effort. Have

671
00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:17,600
Speaker 1: you taken her out to eat in a while, You

672
00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:20,440
Speaker 1: better do it. Have you told her she's beautiful? You

673
00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:22,799
Speaker 1: better do it. Have you told her how much she

674
00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 1: means to you? Jake, you better do it. But that voice,

675
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,400
Speaker 1: that conscience, of that memory doesn't knock on your door

676
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:35,799
Speaker 1: unless you have this deep heartbreak that's so painful and

677
00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:38,160
Speaker 1: like from a core level of your body, your body,

678
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:40,799
Speaker 1: your body goes, Man, this heartbreak is so bad. I'm

679
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:44,120
Speaker 1: gonna die. I feel like I'm gonna die. And then

680
00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:46,680
Speaker 1: something inside you goes, you know, kicks in all these

681
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:50,319
Speaker 1: you know, emergency measures, defense mechanisms to go, don't die,

682
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,200
Speaker 1: don't die. Whatever this is, whatever this attack is on

683
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:55,680
Speaker 1: this body that's gonna kill us. We need to make

684
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:57,879
Speaker 1: sure this never happens again. So put up this force

685
00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:00,000
Speaker 1: field and put up this defense and make sure whatever

686
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,359
Speaker 1: we did, we don't do it again. And so then

687
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,480
Speaker 1: down the road, you're in a relationship things start going

688
00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:09,120
Speaker 1: down that path, and that defense kicks in and goes, hey,

689
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:12,520
Speaker 1: remember that time he almost died because you mess this up, Jake,

690
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:16,279
Speaker 1: don't do this again. Maybe it's time after work to

691
00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:20,360
Speaker 1: go get her favorite color flowers. Remember the favorite flowers

692
00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:22,400
Speaker 1: that she told you about on week two of dating.

693
00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:27,239
Speaker 1: It was yellow roses or whatever. Remember that, when's the

694
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:29,520
Speaker 1: last time you got yellow roses? Jake? This is your

695
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:33,640
Speaker 1: conscience talking And you go, oh, yeah, so I think

696
00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:35,920
Speaker 1: I better on the way home from work, stop at

697
00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:39,560
Speaker 1: the grocery store and get some yellow roses and get

698
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:46,120
Speaker 1: a card, and it says, hey, babe, there's no special occasion.

699
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:48,680
Speaker 1: I just wanted to tell you what this card, how

700
00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:51,560
Speaker 1: much you mean to me. And then I hope that

701
00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:53,520
Speaker 1: I hope that you allow me to always be there

702
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:56,160
Speaker 1: for you, because you mean the world to me. You're

703
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 1: that important, and I'm just thinking about you and I

704
00:40:58,760 --> 00:40:59,960
Speaker 1: want to tell you how much you mean to me.

705
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,840
Speaker 1: Love Jake. And you walk home and you get the

706
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:07,600
Speaker 1: car and you got the flowers, and you say, have

707
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:09,040
Speaker 1: I told you in a while how much you mean

708
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 1: to me? How special you are? And she goes, oh, Jake,

709
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:16,960
Speaker 1: you haven't done that since the month first month we dated,

710
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:21,040
Speaker 1: and you're like, no, it's because I mean it. But

711
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:23,319
Speaker 1: what you don't tell her is deep down you're like, yeah,

712
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,680
Speaker 1: because I messed this up a couple years ago and

713
00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:27,400
Speaker 1: I lost the girl I loved and you don't have

714
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 1: to tell her and it doesn't matter. But you're like, yeah,

715
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:34,320
Speaker 1: I know. I know now because of the heartbreak, because

716
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:37,839
Speaker 1: it killed me, it crushed me. Because of that, I

717
00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 1: learned from that and I became who I am today.

718
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 1: So the next girl benefits from you, She benefits from

719
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:48,520
Speaker 1: this heartbreak that you're going through right now. You need

720
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:54,600
Speaker 1: this in the same way you need her, your future spouse,

721
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,279
Speaker 1: your future wife, whoever that is. You need her to

722
00:41:57,360 --> 00:41:59,680
Speaker 1: go through some stuff too. You don't want a little

723
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,719
Speaker 1: perfect life to meet yours. You want someone that's been

724
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:07,080
Speaker 1: through some stuff. And it's like, man, you're a great girl.

725
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:09,120
Speaker 1: I could say that about my marriage right now. You know.

726
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:12,319
Speaker 1: I could say that because Amber and I both we

727
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:15,440
Speaker 1: were with several people before we met each other that

728
00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:21,759
Speaker 1: were just bad, toxic relationships. And through those toxic relationships,

729
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:24,760
Speaker 1: as we recovered and as we cleaned up the mess,

730
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:30,520
Speaker 1: when we built back ourselves and re molded our heart,

731
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:35,279
Speaker 1: back together from the brokenness. We got a little bit

732
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:39,239
Speaker 1: stronger every time, just like you're about to do. You're

733
00:42:39,239 --> 00:42:41,640
Speaker 1: about to get stronger, Jake. So I want to speak

734
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:43,239
Speaker 1: that into you. Man. I just want to tell you

735
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:47,880
Speaker 1: that this heartbreak matters. It's working for you. It's also

736
00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:51,640
Speaker 1: very biblical. That's a pretty bag. That's the story of

737
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:56,840
Speaker 1: the Bible. Your pain, your suffering has a purpose. Nothing

738
00:42:56,920 --> 00:43:01,880
Speaker 1: is meaningless. It matters for you. But that's a story

739
00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:05,600
Speaker 1: for a different podcast and a different question. Love you guys,

740
00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:08,680
Speaker 1: See you next Monday. Thanks for joining me on the

741
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 1: Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys. You could

742
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:15,160
Speaker 1: help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes. If

743
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:18,480
Speaker 1: you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel. Hit that little

744
00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:21,560
Speaker 1: like button and the notification spell so that you never

745
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:25,040
Speaker 1: miss anytime I upload a video. If you have a

746
00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:27,040
Speaker 1: question for me that you would like me to answer,

747
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:32,200
Speaker 1: email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Yi