Speaker 1: Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers
Speaker 1: have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes
Speaker 1: like garbage in, garbage out, or you are what you think,
Speaker 1: ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts
Speaker 1: don't strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self pity, jealousy,
Speaker 1: or fear. We see what we don't have instead of
Speaker 1: what we do. We think things that hold us back
Speaker 1: and dampen our spirit. But it's not just about thinking.
Speaker 1: Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort
Speaker 1: to make a life worth living. This podcast is about
Speaker 1: how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction,
Speaker 1: how they feed their good wolf.
Speaker 2: Welcome to the one you feed. In today's episode, we
Speaker 2: have something a little bit different. Recently, I was visiting
Speaker 2: a friend of mine who's lives in Colorado, and she
Speaker 2: mentioned that she had been teaching her students about the
Speaker 2: parable of the good wolf and the bad wolf. After
Speaker 2: hearing this, I thought, I bet those kids have some
Speaker 2: really good ideas about how to feed your good wolf.
Speaker 2: So I asked if I could speak with them. The
Speaker 2: reason I thought this would be so interesting is because,
Speaker 2: as adults we can be so immersed in our wide
Speaker 2: and complicated world that we can forget how wide and
Speaker 2: complicated our lives felt back when we were kids. We
Speaker 2: tend to think of childhood as the simpler times before
Speaker 2: we had to worry about things like dissatisfaction, rumination, guilt, comparison,
Speaker 2: imposter syndrome, or insecurity. But when talking to these kids,
Speaker 2: what surprised me was just how early in our lives
Speaker 2: the bad wolf starts appearing. Maybe it's always there. That
Speaker 2: being said, these kids are great, and even at this
Speaker 2: young age, they have their own ways of trying to
Speaker 2: ensure they feed their good wolf. The kids I spoke
Speaker 2: with is Emory.
Speaker 3: Hi.
Speaker 2: Emory, Hi, thank you for talking with me.
Speaker 4: You're welcome.
Speaker 2: What are the It looks like you've got some sort
Speaker 2: of crown on or ears? What am I seeing here?
Speaker 4: My cat eres?
Speaker 2: You're what ears?
Speaker 4: My cattiers?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 2: Your caddiers you have gems on them. They are beautiful
Speaker 2: and you have a bow.
Speaker 4: Thank you?
Speaker 2: You look really nice today. I love your caddies.
Speaker 4: I made my mommy and daddy make me warless because
Speaker 4: they always say, choose between a head band or a bow,
Speaker 4: and I did both today.
Speaker 2: So Miss Rebecca probably taught you a little bit about
Speaker 2: the good wolf and the bad wolf? What do those
Speaker 2: things mean to you? They mean like.
Speaker 4: How like I how my personality ends up every day?
Speaker 2: So what are some of the things your good wolf
Speaker 2: says in your head to you?
Speaker 4: My good wolf says you can do this?
Speaker 2: What are some of the things that bad wolf says?
Speaker 4: You can't do this?
Speaker 2: You can't do this.
Speaker 4: You're not smart.
Speaker 2: You're not smart. So what do you do when you
Speaker 2: when you're when you hear that in your mind?
Speaker 4: I know you am smart, So I just ignore the
Speaker 4: bad wolf.
Speaker 2: You just ignore the bad wolf? Huh?
Speaker 4: And I and I listen to the good wolf.
Speaker 2: Uh huh. Do you ever find that hard to do?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Sometimes the bad wolf just keeps talking even though you
Speaker 2: ignore it.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah. What do you do then?
Speaker 4: I keep listening to the good wolf.
Speaker 2: Just keep trying to hear the good wolf. Huh? Do
Speaker 2: you ever ask anybody for help with that?
Speaker 4: Yes? Yes? Who mommy, I say, Mommy, my bad wolf
Speaker 4: says something that's not good. She says, don't listen to
Speaker 4: the bad wolf or the bad wolf, and listens to
Speaker 4: the good wolf. What does your bad wolf say to you?
Speaker 2: What does my bad wolf say to me? Well, he says,
Speaker 2: you're not good enough, you don't have enough, you need
Speaker 2: things you don't have. You should be more like this
Speaker 2: or more like that.
Speaker 4: That's something my bad wolf said. My bad wolf says, like, like,
Speaker 4: when I buy something that I actually do want, then
Speaker 4: I'm like, well I want that instead.
Speaker 2: So you think you want something, you get it, and
Speaker 2: then you still realize you want something else.
Speaker 4: Yes, So if something was one dollar I could get
Speaker 4: and I kept getting the same thing, I could get
Speaker 4: ten of them because I have ten dollars.
Speaker 2: Or you could get one thing ten dollars.
Speaker 4: Or I could get two things that is five dollars.
Speaker 2: You know your math pretty well. Yeah, So do you
Speaker 2: think that getting things makes you happy?
Speaker 4: Yes, it does. I'm like, I'm like the only one
Speaker 4: in this whole entire not this whole entire country, but
Speaker 4: this whole entire world that one's toys.
Speaker 2: So they make you happy. But do they do you
Speaker 2: stay happy? Or do you end up wanting something else?
Speaker 4: I'll end up wanting something.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 2: What Emery is talking about here is something we all
Speaker 2: have to learn to deal with. Dissatisfaction. In part, our
Speaker 2: minds are striving machines. It doesn't come naturally to most people,
Speaker 2: if anyone to remain satisfied, But we all have that
Speaker 2: little voice in our heads that says, well, it'd be
Speaker 2: nice if we just had and fill in the blank.
Speaker 2: But there is a remedy for dissatisfaction, and Emory already
Speaker 2: knows it. It's gratitude.
Speaker 4: You know what makes me like the happiest?
Speaker 2: What's that?
Speaker 4: If that's not toys? It makes me happier than toys.
Speaker 4: It just when I wake up and I get to
Speaker 4: look and I get to look out my window and
Speaker 4: put my slippers on and just look at the beautiful
Speaker 4: things outside.
Speaker 2: Oh that makes me happy. Yeah, I like that too.
Speaker 2: I like looking out the window at beautiful things. Maybe
Speaker 2: I should get some slippers. He's like, I should get
Speaker 2: some slippers.
Speaker 4: I yes, you have to.
Speaker 2: I have to get some slippers.
Speaker 4: Oh yes, I have ones that are really fuzzy fuzzy okay,
Speaker 4: and they come off ois and I have want one
Speaker 4: that's an uh that goes on one foot. The other's
Speaker 4: al said, it goes on the other foot.
Speaker 2: So you've named your slippers.
Speaker 4: No, it has the picture a lot in this Why.
Speaker 2: See, I don't know what that is frozen? Frozen? Okay.
Speaker 2: Do you know what else makes me happy?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: Your cat? Your caddiers, your gem studied caddiers. Yes, the
Speaker 2: minute I saw them, it made me happy. Yep, you
Speaker 2: make me happy talking to you.
Speaker 4: I also love my caddiers. Yes, And I'm really grateful
Speaker 4: for what I have because I cry whenever I think
Speaker 4: of something that I don't like. That's a mine, I cry.
Speaker 2: What do you mean? Even though we can overcome our
Speaker 2: feelings of dissatisfaction by focusing on what we're grateful for,
Speaker 2: the little voice does so much other than tell us
Speaker 2: that we need more. As Emory herself is experienced, the
Speaker 2: little voice often tells us not to forgive ourselves. What
Speaker 2: makes you.
Speaker 4: Cry thinking of things that I didn't mean to do?
Speaker 4: Like one time I bet my daddy and he got bled,
Speaker 4: And whenever I think of that, it also makes me cry. Sometimes.
Speaker 2: Did you say you were sorry? Yeah?
Speaker 4: It was when I was like three or two. It
Speaker 4: was when I was very little.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Do you think you can let go of that
Speaker 2: and not worry about it anymore?
Speaker 4: Yeah? I could.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's probably forgiven you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and lost your eye is five. The name was
Speaker 4: four ninety six. So it's so it.
Speaker 2: Could be what I was four two, Yeah, it was
Speaker 2: a while ago. Do you bite people anymore?
Speaker 4: I bite my brother sometimes when I'm frustrated. I am.
Speaker 2: I bet that that the good wolf doesn't is not
Speaker 2: in support of you biting your brother. Would you agree?
Speaker 4: Yes, it's definitely the batt wolf.
Speaker 2: Definitely the bad wolf.
Speaker 4: Definitely the bad wolf.
Speaker 2: Kinshols, definitely the bad wolf is the bier. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 2: Well what do you think you could do next time
Speaker 2: you want to bite somebody?
Speaker 4: I think about it first. Yeah, And my last question is,
Speaker 4: how do you like how do you like ignore the
Speaker 4: bad Wolf?
Speaker 2: Well, that's a very good question. I do you ever hear? Like, say,
Speaker 2: you're in one room and there's a sound coming from
Speaker 2: the other room and you can't really turn it off.
Speaker 2: So sometimes when I'm trying to ignore the bad Wolf,
Speaker 2: I just sort of imagine it sounds coming from another room,
Speaker 2: and I just try not to really pay much attention.
Speaker 4: I pay more attention on the good Wolf.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I think that's smart. You seem like you
Speaker 2: do a pretty good job of that when you're not
Speaker 2: biting things.
Speaker 4: I do.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for talking to me. I've really
Speaker 2: enjoyed it.
Speaker 4: You're welcome.
Speaker 2: Thanks for letting me where your gem studded caddiers. That
Speaker 2: was kind of the highlight of my day. You know,
Speaker 2: I really admire Emory's self awareness. Even at her young age.
Speaker 2: She can pinpoint when her bad wolf rears its head
Speaker 2: and tries to lead her astray. It's so common to
Speaker 2: get caught up in feelings of dissatisfaction and rumination. The
Speaker 2: mind has a way of fixating on things, whether they
Speaker 2: are new, shiny things or painful memories, and Emory clearly
Speaker 2: experiences that too, but she seems to have some solid
Speaker 2: coping skills when her inner critic flares up. Sometimes, though,
Speaker 2: the inner critic comes in another form, especially when we
Speaker 2: find ourselves in the cycle of making and breaking promises
Speaker 2: to ourselves. Hi Quinn, Hello, thank you for sitting down
Speaker 2: with me.
Speaker 3: Welcome.
Speaker 2: So, Miss Rebecca sort of talks about the good wolf
Speaker 2: and the bad wolf, or the helpful wolf and the
Speaker 2: unhelpful wolf. What do you have names for him? What
Speaker 2: do you think of?
Speaker 3: I mean, I think the good one should have like
Speaker 3: a good like cheery name, and the bad one should
Speaker 3: have like kind of like a like a not like
Speaker 3: a very.
Speaker 2: Good name because it's like a can we think of
Speaker 2: some Bertha or something Bertha for the bad wolf?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's not a very good name.
Speaker 2: So no, unless your name's berth out. If you're birth
Speaker 2: out there, I apologize for uh, you know, I hope
Speaker 2: there's no Berthas listening, but there might be. You never know.
Speaker 2: You wrote down under the bad Wolf bullying. Do you
Speaker 2: do you get? Do you bully other people when you're
Speaker 2: in the bad Wolf for other people bully you that
Speaker 2: make you feel bad?
Speaker 3: Well, the bad wolf is a bully. The bad wolf
Speaker 3: is a bully to the good wolf.
Speaker 2: I see, okay, that makes sense. What are some of
Speaker 2: the things the good wolf says to you?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 3: Like the good wolf like as if it was like
Speaker 3: talking to me right now?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, m.
Speaker 3: Like, don't listen to what the bad wolf is saying.
Speaker 3: He's just jealous or something.
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm. Yeah, you wrote down things like encouragement, bravery, kindness,
Speaker 2: hard work. Those are all sort of good wolf things. Yeah, yep.
Speaker 2: So if you find yourself in the bad wolf area
Speaker 2: right you're feeling afraid, or you're feeling you wrote lazy
Speaker 2: or angry, or you're saying yourself nobody likes you. What
Speaker 2: do you do? What do you do?
Speaker 4: Then?
Speaker 3: I mean I would tell him to stop. Then if
Speaker 3: you didn't stop, I would tell him to stop a
Speaker 3: second time, and then if you didn't stop the third time,
Speaker 3: I would probably like tell like somebody that could like help.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you just tell somebody, like I'm having these difficult thoughts.
Speaker 2: I don't quite can't quite get him to stop. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Like sometimes, like when kids are mean to me, I
Speaker 3: talk like I get Miss Rebecca and like we usually
Speaker 3: talk with them and it usually like works out kind of.
Speaker 2: M yeah, it's good. Do you feel like kids are
Speaker 2: mean to you a lot?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, kind of Yeah.
Speaker 2: Why do you think that is?
Speaker 3: I mean, like I can be like a little disruptive
Speaker 3: in class sometimes, and that seems to be like the
Speaker 3: main reason that they don't like they don't like like
Speaker 3: me that much.
Speaker 2: Why do you think you get disruptive in class?
Speaker 6: Mmm?
Speaker 3: Like I think it's like funny, but then I realize
Speaker 3: it's not funny, and then like they kind of just
Speaker 3: say like it's like lame kind.
Speaker 2: Of Oh yeah, yeah that probably doesn't feel very good,
Speaker 2: does it.
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: So what do you say to yourself after that? When
Speaker 2: either you've realized you acted disruptive in class or somebody's
Speaker 2: been mean to you, Like, what do you do?
Speaker 4: Then?
Speaker 3: I mean, I try to like just like think like
Speaker 3: why did I do that? And then I try and
Speaker 3: then I like try to like stop. But then like
Speaker 3: the next day, I kind of forget. I said that
Speaker 3: to myself.
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm yeah yeah. Do you get frustrated with yourself?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Sometimes?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Do you also forgive yourself?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Sometimes?
Speaker 2: Yeah. Tell me about when you stay frustrated versus when
Speaker 2: you forgive, Like, what are you doing in your head?
Speaker 2: What are you saying to yourself?
Speaker 3: M I'm saying, like I can do better the next day?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah you can. We all make mistakes, don't we?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: We all do things from time to time that we
Speaker 2: don't feel great about. The path to growth often involves
Speaker 2: making mistakes and learning from them. When we act in
Speaker 2: ways that hurt others or make us feel guilty, it's
Speaker 2: easy to beat ourselves up, but self criticism usually doesn't
Speaker 2: help us become our best selves. Instead, we can acknowledge
Speaker 2: our mistakes with care and understanding. Rather than falling into
Speaker 2: shame or numbness. Like Quinn, we can reflect on why
Speaker 2: we acted that way and how we want to grow.
Speaker 2: Of course, we have to apologize when needed and set
Speaker 2: intentions to act more thoughtfully next time. But it's also
Speaker 2: important that we don't skip the step of self forgiveness.
Speaker 2: We all make mistakes, don't we. We've been talking a
Speaker 2: lot about our inner critic, how it makes us feel guilty,
Speaker 2: how it makes us ruminate. But the inner critic also
Speaker 2: does something that's really valuable. It reveals our ideals. It
Speaker 2: shows us what we care about, and that can be
Speaker 2: a good thing, especially when we have nothing to rely
Speaker 2: on besides our conscience. Hi Mackenzie, Hi, I'm so happy
Speaker 2: to be sitting here with you. What grade are you in? Fourth? Fourth? Okay?
Speaker 2: So how old are fourth graders? Or I should say
Speaker 2: how old are you?
Speaker 6: Ten?
Speaker 2: Ten? Okay? So tell me about what do you understand
Speaker 2: about this idea of the good wolf and the bad wolf?
Speaker 2: You wrote some things down. What does sligh queen mean?
Speaker 4: Um? Uh, my good wolf just uses that as a
Speaker 4: term that I'm nice to other people.
Speaker 2: Exactly. It means you're awesome, yes, slay queen, like you're
Speaker 2: sligh in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, that's good. So
Speaker 2: what sort of things when What sort of things does
Speaker 2: slay queen say to you?
Speaker 5: When?
Speaker 2: When when you're in slay queen mode, what sort of
Speaker 2: things are you saying to yourself?
Speaker 4: I'm awesome, I'm powerful, I can do this.
Speaker 2: Yeah okay? And what sort of things make you in
Speaker 2: slay queen mode? Like what sort of things are happening
Speaker 2: in your life? Either things you're doing or things that
Speaker 2: you see or read? What helps you become slay queen?
Speaker 4: A big word that I understand. Are getting a perfect
Speaker 4: score on a test?
Speaker 2: Okay? What if you get not quite a perfect score?
Speaker 2: What if you get like most of them right, but
Speaker 2: not all of them?
Speaker 4: I will be a little bit disappointed, but I'll still
Speaker 4: be pretty happy, but not enough to go into slave.
Speaker 2: Queen not enough to go into slave queen mode, but
Speaker 2: not enough to go into bad wolf mode. Does the
Speaker 2: bad wolf have a name?
Speaker 5: Do you?
Speaker 2: What do you do? You call it anything?
Speaker 4: I call it my unconscience.
Speaker 2: You're unconscious? You're unconscious? Yes, okay, that's very interesting. Why
Speaker 2: do you call it that?
Speaker 4: Because my conscience is supposed to if I'm doing if
Speaker 4: I'm going to do something that I'm not supposed to do,
Speaker 4: it's gonna tell me I shouldn't do this, but my
Speaker 4: unconscious it it like wants me to do it.
Speaker 2: Ah, And so are there times that you you're unconscious?
Speaker 2: You're unconscious is the phrase you're using, that you're in
Speaker 2: that place and you don't want to listen to Slay Queen.
Speaker 2: You're just like, I just want to do this thing,
Speaker 2: and you're in your unconscious. Yes, yes, so, But sometimes
Speaker 2: I imagine you're in your unconscious it's telling you to
Speaker 2: do something and then you decide not to do it.
Speaker 2: What are some of the things you say to yourself
Speaker 2: that help you to not do that.
Speaker 4: I'll say I shouldn't be doing this. I could get
Speaker 4: in way more trouble and it would make me feel
Speaker 4: really bad. I got in more trouble, and if I
Speaker 4: did it and nobody found out, I would feel really
Speaker 4: guilty and I might take it out on someone.
Speaker 2: You mentioned two things there that stop you. One is
Speaker 2: you don't want to get in trouble. The other is
Speaker 2: you don't want to feel bad about yourself inside. Which
Speaker 2: one of those feels more important to you?
Speaker 4: Feeling bad about myself inside?
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well that's actually good. Why? Well, because at some age,
Speaker 2: as you get older, right, you there won't be the
Speaker 2: same things to get in trouble with right, And some
Speaker 2: day your parents won't be there looking at every step,
Speaker 2: you won't be in school telling you everything to do.
Speaker 2: And then at that point it's really your own conscience
Speaker 2: that becomes important. You know that desire to feel good
Speaker 2: about ourselves, and it seems really wise to me that
Speaker 2: you recognize it. Even if you don't get caught, it
Speaker 2: still feels bad. That's that's really good. See. Sometimes our conscience,
Speaker 2: or as Mackenzie would say, our unconscious, is our companion
Speaker 2: to keeping us on the right track. Our conscience is
Speaker 2: constantly evaluating things, including ourselves. That's how we know whether
Speaker 2: we've made a mistake or should feel proud. But where
Speaker 2: are we getting the standards from? Are they coming from
Speaker 2: within or somewhere else? Well, I guess to answer my
Speaker 2: own question a little bit. They certainly don't come only
Speaker 2: from within. A lot of the standards we apply to
Speaker 2: ourselves come from comparison with others. These comparisons may be inevitable,
Speaker 2: but we should still be careful about with who and
Speaker 2: how much we compare ourselves. Hi Riley, Hi, thank you
Speaker 2: for sitting down with me.
Speaker 6: Thank you for inviting me here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so we're going to be talking about the helpful
Speaker 2: or unhelpful wolf or the good and bad wolf. Do
Speaker 2: you have names for them?
Speaker 6: My inner cons on, my inner consance, whatever.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that word, you're inner conscience?
Speaker 6: Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2: And so what are some of the things that the
Speaker 2: this for the on the bed wolf. It looks like
Speaker 2: you wrote crusty? What's that?
Speaker 6: Well, like I'm just like not feeling myself that day,
Speaker 6: got it, like just just feeling weird, or like my
Speaker 6: hair doesn't look good and it has a lot of
Speaker 6: dan drift and I don't know. It's just a word
Speaker 6: that comes up when I thought of it this morning.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it just so you're it's the ways you
Speaker 2: talk to yourself that put yourself down. Yeah. Yeah. And
Speaker 2: on the good side, what are some of the things
Speaker 2: that the good side says to you.
Speaker 6: Like you look good today, or like I did really
Speaker 6: good on that test earlier and I'm smart and I
Speaker 6: I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And so you know, you mentioned that you feel
Speaker 2: good when you feel like you look good. You feel
Speaker 2: good if you did good on a test. What about
Speaker 2: when you're not doing if you don't feel like you
Speaker 2: look good or you didn't do good on a test,
Speaker 2: how do you talk to yourself and how do you
Speaker 2: kind of not get stuck in that?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 6: Sometimes when I am picking out my clothes for the
Speaker 6: day and I just want to like feel good that day,
Speaker 6: I could always just mix and match my outfits and
Speaker 6: try things I haven't tried before, or see what my
Speaker 6: mom hasn't in her closet because we're basically the same size.
Speaker 6: And if I don't do well then tests, I could
Speaker 6: always talk to my teachers. Teachers they always want to
Speaker 6: help you, I've learned these past few years in middle school.
Speaker 6: They're just there for you, and if you are struggling
Speaker 6: with something, they will be happy to make you do
Speaker 6: a better grade because they don't want you to fail either.
Speaker 2: Right, right, What about feeling I'm just I'm just curious
Speaker 2: about this. About feeling good about yourself, even if you
Speaker 2: don't feel like you look good or you don't feel.
Speaker 6: Smart, well, surround surrounding yourself with people who care about you,
Speaker 6: like friends, family, talking to outer relatives so you don't
Speaker 6: see over and connecting them with your phone or a
Speaker 6: computer and or your friends. You could always just be like, hey,
Speaker 6: I want to.
Speaker 4: Talk to you.
Speaker 6: And if they're a good friend, they will help you
Speaker 6: through whatever you're feeling that day. So surrounding yourself with.
Speaker 2: People you love, do you feel like you can kind
Speaker 2: of say anything to your friends? Oh yeah, that's good,
Speaker 2: that's really good. What sort of things you know make
Speaker 2: the good wolf or the bad wolf show up? You
Speaker 2: sort of mentioned how you feel like you're looking, or
Speaker 2: how you feel like you're doing. What are some other things?
Speaker 6: Well mental mentally, you should feel good on the inside
Speaker 6: and out and on the inside. You just need to
Speaker 6: do what you love. So if you don't like, for example,
Speaker 6: soccer and you're playing soccer, you have to just have
Speaker 6: to make the best of it and meet a new
Speaker 6: friend to play soccer with. And having that mental goal
Speaker 6: to just I'll get just through another month of doing
Speaker 6: soccer and then I'll be done with it and I
Speaker 6: can do things I enjoy. And then just talking to
Speaker 6: people saying hey, mom, I don't want to do soccer anymore,
Speaker 6: that would be another good mental thing for your mental health.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So, I mean one of the things that often
Speaker 2: is not good for our mental health is when we
Speaker 2: compare ourselves to other people. And I think that's like
Speaker 2: at your age I remember being your agent. I feel
Speaker 2: like that was about the time that I did that
Speaker 2: the most. Yeah, do you feel like you're do you
Speaker 2: feel that?
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 6: Comparison is definitely one that, like it hurts the most
Speaker 6: for yourself or if someone compares you to another person.
Speaker 6: It is a tough thing that everyone has to deal with,
Speaker 6: but people just need to work through it, and yourself,
Speaker 6: you just need to just push yourself to do what
Speaker 6: you want to change.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean there's that old idea that am I
Speaker 2: better than I was yesterday? You know, that's a much
Speaker 2: more useful comparison than am I like that person? Or
Speaker 2: am I as pretty as they are? Am I as
Speaker 2: good looking as they are? Am I as smart as
Speaker 2: they are? You know. But it's always interesting because in
Speaker 2: school it's such a small contained thing, you know that,
Speaker 2: like that your your comparisons are kind of right there,
Speaker 2: and you can't see the whole huge world outside of that.
Speaker 2: You know, when you get to be a little bit
Speaker 2: older and outside of school, at least for me, I
Speaker 2: suddenly realized like, oh wait, like you know, there's a
Speaker 2: there's a big world of people out there, and I
Speaker 2: don't I'm not competing against these five people that I
Speaker 2: thought I was right. There's you know, there's there's lots
Speaker 2: of lots of options and choices.
Speaker 6: Oh yeah, and uh like people who are older, like
Speaker 6: people have told me that right now, like my age.
Speaker 6: Do you think parents are just trying to control you?
Speaker 2: But later in.
Speaker 6: Life you're going to realize that I actually.
Speaker 2: Should have listened to them.
Speaker 6: And I don't know where I heard that. I heard
Speaker 6: at somewhere I'm trying to think, but something along the
Speaker 6: lines of that.
Speaker 2: Yep. Most grown ups are not trying to control. They're
Speaker 2: trying to help. Now, sometimes they are also controlling, and
Speaker 2: that feels No one likes to feel controlled, definitely, right,
Speaker 2: you know, no one likes to feel controlled. But yeah,
Speaker 2: we sometimes know what we're talking about as grown ups sometimes,
Speaker 2: and you guys also often know exactly what.
Speaker 6: You're talking about for the most part, for the most
Speaker 6: part you think talking about.
Speaker 2: Of course, do you have any questions for me about
Speaker 2: the good and bad wolf?
Speaker 6: I don't think so, not that I can think of.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm not well, thank you so much, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2: As Riley said, comparisons, especially to others, can undermine our
Speaker 2: self confidence and joy. I couldn't agree more that it's
Speaker 2: better to focus on our own growth rather than measuring
Speaker 2: ourselves against arbitrary standards. You can do this by checking
Speaker 2: in with yourself and saying, am I better than I
Speaker 2: was yesterday? This keeps the focus inward in a motivating way.
Speaker 2: It's about progression rather than perfection. In building on that
Speaker 2: idea of inner comparison, I want to introduce one more
Speaker 2: of the kids I had a chance to speak with, Lily.
Speaker 2: She talks about something akin to imposter syndrome, that feeling
Speaker 2: that we're lying about who we are. It stems from
Speaker 2: the gap between how we present ourselves versus our inner experience.
Speaker 2: But rather than judging or doubting ourselves, maybe there's another
Speaker 2: way to think about it. Hi, Lily, Hello, thanks for
Speaker 2: sitting down with me.
Speaker 5: Just thank you for having me.
Speaker 2: I'm very happy to You were telling me just before
Speaker 2: we started that you like to ride horses.
Speaker 4: Yes, I do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, What how long have you been doing that?
Speaker 5: I'd like to say five years when I first started,
Speaker 5: when I first moved here. That is when it became
Speaker 5: much more serious than just a love for horses.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well you must be good at it. After five
Speaker 2: years yes. Yeah, so you know, we talked about this
Speaker 2: idea of good and bad wolf for or helpful or
Speaker 2: unhelpful wolf. Do you have names for them or what
Speaker 2: do you How do you think of it? Just?
Speaker 5: I don't think there's any I don't know how we
Speaker 5: look at it. It's more of just don't let the
Speaker 5: negative feed off of you and all your failures and
Speaker 5: more live off of the success instead of fails.
Speaker 2: So focus more on the things that go well than
Speaker 2: things that go badly.
Speaker 5: Yes, because those bad things happen.
Speaker 2: Yep. So you wrote down some things that you know
Speaker 2: the good wolf tends to say or the bad wolf
Speaker 2: tends to say, or the positive and negative to use
Speaker 2: your terms or success and failure, And one of them
Speaker 2: that I thought was interesting is I am listening. What
Speaker 2: does that mean?
Speaker 5: Just knowing that there are people there and are supportive
Speaker 5: about what you are thinking and won't bring you down
Speaker 5: for it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so people you can share about what you're feeling
Speaker 2: and they will encourage you versus make you feel bad.
Speaker 5: Yes.
Speaker 2: Do you have any people in your life who make
Speaker 2: you feel bad when you share what's going on?
Speaker 5: I don't have any names, but there are probably people
Speaker 5: out there.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, And so what sort of things cause the
Speaker 2: good wolf? And the things the good wolf has to say, like,
Speaker 2: you know, you know this, you're smart, you'd be good
Speaker 2: at this. What sort of things cause that that voice
Speaker 2: to show up in your head?
Speaker 5: It's in math that's I don't always feel so confident,
Speaker 5: and then I have to tell myself, oh, hey, actually
Speaker 5: you'd be good at this. Here, you know what you're doing.
Speaker 2: Yep, and so you and so with math, you just
Speaker 2: keep trying, yep. I had an experience recently that was
Speaker 2: really good for me about trying. So I started rock
Speaker 2: climbing inside it like a gym, you know. But then
Speaker 2: I got a chance to climb outside once. I've actually
Speaker 2: gone a couple of times. But the first time I went,
Speaker 2: I got there and I went up to the wall
Speaker 2: and I just could not I mean I looked at it.
Speaker 2: I was like, there's no way I'm ever going to
Speaker 2: get up that, and like I couldn't even figure out
Speaker 2: like even the first few places to put my hand
Speaker 2: because like in a rock climbing gym, the holds are colored,
Speaker 2: you know what color to go for, right, And on
Speaker 2: an outdoor wall, there's none of that. The first fifteen minutes,
Speaker 2: I went like half a foot I mean, I went nowhere,
Speaker 2: and I was like, this is not going to work.
Speaker 2: This is not going to work. I almost gave up,
Speaker 2: and I was like, just keep trying, And before long
Speaker 2: I was all the way up there, which was kind
Speaker 2: of amazing, because I really was certain there was no
Speaker 2: way I was going to be able to do it.
Speaker 5: You have some experiences like that, maybe in Ela. There's
Speaker 5: times when we're supposed to be writing and I have
Speaker 5: no idea. Oh my, oh gosh, I'm never going to
Speaker 5: get this done, have no ideas. My brain is empty,
Speaker 5: and I end up just reading or talking to someone
Speaker 5: and get those ideas a lot from parents.
Speaker 2: M And then you do it and it works out.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm really proud of the work. It's what takes
Speaker 5: you the longest.
Speaker 2: Well, that is a really good lesson to carry through
Speaker 2: your whole life, which is that most times when you
Speaker 2: start something, particularly something that's like writing or creative, is
Speaker 2: that you it feels like you can't do it. I
Speaker 2: mean literally, every single time I have to write a
Speaker 2: talk for like a speech or something, or you know,
Speaker 2: a presentation I'm giving, when I sit down and do it,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm not going to be able to do this.
Speaker 2: It isn't any good. I don't have any good ideas,
Speaker 2: you know, And and they you know. And I get
Speaker 2: to talk to a lot of like you know, best
Speaker 2: selling authors, and they all say the same thing, like
Speaker 2: you just have to get something down and then it
Speaker 2: gets better. So talk to me about some of the
Speaker 2: things that the bad wolf says to you. What what
Speaker 2: what are some of the in your head? The negative
Speaker 2: side of them.
Speaker 5: It's just a lot of you can't do this, or
Speaker 5: they can do this better than you. It's a lot
Speaker 5: of comparing, which I'm working on getting rid of it.
Speaker 5: It's not good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's hard, though, isn't it. Yeah, it's hard. I
Speaker 2: mean we naturally do it as humans, right, I think
Speaker 2: we're naturally wired to do it. We are we are
Speaker 2: a social species. My experience is you can't stop it
Speaker 2: from happening, but you can you can not listen to
Speaker 2: it or not encourage it. Yes, you know, like if
Speaker 2: I walk into a room full of people I don't know,
Speaker 2: I'm immediately going to start judging the people around me
Speaker 2: and how do I compare to them? But then if
Speaker 2: I can just let that go.
Speaker 5: It does nothing but make everything worse when you.
Speaker 2: Compare one percent. So what are some of the things
Speaker 2: that you do to get you to stop comparing?
Speaker 5: It's well, it's it's also we all have our strength
Speaker 5: and weaknesses. So someone might be better at something else
Speaker 5: than me, but I might be better at something else.
Speaker 5: And it's a lot of just making up that we're
Speaker 5: we're all different, we all have different learning speeds.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're uniquely you. Yes, no one else is like you,
Speaker 2: and you're not like anyone else. Not only does the
Speaker 2: conscience make us compare ourselves to others, but it tells
Speaker 2: us what we are capable of. When it says that
Speaker 2: we're not really the person we claim to be or
Speaker 2: what others think we are, it can feel like imposter syndrome.
Speaker 2: But by acting as if we are the person we
Speaker 2: say we are, we can begin to create the evidence
Speaker 2: we need in order to truly believe it. Our conscience,
Speaker 2: inner critic, or narrator is something that virtually every one
Speaker 2: of us will live alongside for our entire lives. It's
Speaker 2: that chattering box that will tell us what we need.
Speaker 2: It will tell us if we should think of ourselves
Speaker 2: as good or bad. It will cause us to feel
Speaker 2: guilty and ruminate, and it will tell us what we
Speaker 2: should think we're capable of. Since it's almost impossible to
Speaker 2: get rid of the chattering box altogether, we have to
Speaker 2: learn to cultivate one that we can trust. In the
Speaker 2: best of times. It should tell us things that make
Speaker 2: us feel inspired to realize our best selves have the
Speaker 2: unconditional love to forgive and nudge us into feeding our
Speaker 2: good wolf. Cultivating a conscience you can rely on can
Speaker 2: begin at any time. But what's been so great about
Speaker 2: speaking to these kids and making this episode is I've
Speaker 2: had the opportunity to see how, even at their young ages,
Speaker 2: they've got a keen insight into that inner narrator. We
Speaker 2: all wrestle with the voice that compares, judges, criticizes, and
Speaker 2: they're already developing strategies to manage that unrelenting inner critic.
Speaker 2: Whether it's focusing on gratitude, surrounding themselves with affirming friends,
Speaker 2: or simply asking how can I improve rather than why
Speaker 2: am I not good enough? These students are learning the
Speaker 2: fundamentals of emotional intelligence, self compassion, and how to feed
Speaker 2: their good wolf. While these kids are fortunate enough to
Speaker 2: have learned these skills so early, many of us have
Speaker 2: had to learn them in our adult lives. I hope
Speaker 2: that if any of these techniques are new to you,
Speaker 2: you can use them in your life as well.
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