1 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,200 Speaker 1: Welcome back, everybody. Today, we're sitting with Chris, the eldest 2 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,479 Speaker 1: in his family. Chris grew up separated from his brothers 3 00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:20,799 Speaker 1: and sisters, navigating loss, adoption, and the painful gaps that 4 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:24,680 Speaker 1: shaped his childhood, and now as a father and grandfather, 5 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,000 Speaker 1: he's trying to understand his siblings more deeply so he 6 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:32,199 Speaker 1: can lead with compassion rather than assumption. What struck me 7 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 1: most in my conversation with Chris is how seriously he 8 00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 1: takes the role of being the oldest, not as a title, 9 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,240 Speaker 1: but as a responsibility. He talks about wanting to see 10 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: life through his sibling's perspective, wanting to approach each of 11 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,360 Speaker 1: them in a way that honors the path they've walked. 12 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,360 Speaker 1: He hopes that in understanding them, he'll become a better father, 13 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,800 Speaker 1: a better grandfather, and a better steward of the legacy 14 00:00:56,200 --> 00:01:00,360 Speaker 1: he's trying to build. This session is about leadership within 15 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 1: a family, the kind no one teaches, the kind you 16 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:09,080 Speaker 1: learn through heartache, discovery, and choosing connection again and again. 17 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,200 Speaker 1: It's about what it means to be the person who 18 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:18,840 Speaker 1: gathers people back together, even when you once felt disconnected yourself. So, Chris, 19 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: what are your best hopes from talking with Ray. 20 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,880 Speaker 2: Part of it understanding you know, my brothers and sisters 21 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 2: a little bit more because I wasn't raised with them. 22 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 2: So it's you know, like like Jasmine said, there were 23 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,479 Speaker 2: some things that she didn't know about me, and then 24 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,959 Speaker 2: you know, just just moving on in life. We all 25 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 2: have ups and downs, even still today. I always look 26 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 2: at therapy as a great way to clear the air, 27 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:46,119 Speaker 2: to get grounded refocused. You know. That's how I look 28 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:49,400 Speaker 2: at therapy. That I had it when I was younger. 29 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 2: How I was separated was because of my mom was murdered, 30 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,840 Speaker 2: and then I was adopted to a family, so I 31 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,280 Speaker 2: had to go through a lot, you know, how to. 32 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,720 Speaker 1: Deal with a lot, I would understand. And your siblings 33 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:01,520 Speaker 1: make a difference for. 34 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:05,160 Speaker 2: You to look at things from their point of view understanding. 35 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,760 Speaker 2: One of the things when we all got together and 36 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,600 Speaker 2: started talking to my dad, I know Jasmine had I know, 37 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:13,639 Speaker 2: she had like a little issue because of the fact 38 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,640 Speaker 2: that he wasn't there, you know, and you know in 39 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,200 Speaker 2: our lives. As for me, I looked at it differently. 40 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,120 Speaker 2: I was just grateful that my dad came back and 41 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 2: you know, to my life, and then it was just 42 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 2: trying to learn, you know, my family, learn my siblings, 43 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 2: know who they were, how they grew up, and know 44 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,560 Speaker 2: their experience so I could be able to, you know, 45 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,640 Speaker 2: understand them and respect them and their views and lives 46 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:40,560 Speaker 2: because we can always have like, I don't ever try 47 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,680 Speaker 2: to be biased, you know, I always wanted to be open, 48 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:48,480 Speaker 2: so I could, you know, because what Jasmine may feel 49 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,400 Speaker 2: will be different than what Gladys will feel, and what 50 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 2: Gladys will feel be different with you know, Lance and 51 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,920 Speaker 2: Lewis Who's gonna feel? You know? So if I'm sitting there, 52 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,040 Speaker 2: being a brother doesn't matter, you know. I mean, I 53 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 2: know I'm the older brother, so but trying to be 54 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,440 Speaker 2: the big brother is just trying to understand where they 55 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 2: came from and understanding their views of how they looked 56 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:10,480 Speaker 2: at things. 57 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,880 Speaker 1: Okay, So, how does let's say you and I talk 58 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:17,079 Speaker 1: and we talked one time ten times. How are times 59 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: we meet and you come away from those meetings with 60 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 1: a full understanding of your siblings perspective and you come 61 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,640 Speaker 1: away being able to say things from their point of view. 62 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,280 Speaker 1: How would that make a difference in Chris's life? How 63 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: does that help Chris to fully understand his siblings because like. 64 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 2: I can't approach Jasmine the same way I would approach Gladdys. 65 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 2: Me and Gladys we have our bond. When we met, 66 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 2: our bond was instant. It was weird, like like you know, 67 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 2: it's weird we didn't grow up, but we were so 68 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 2: close around each other, or she was around my adopted family. 69 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,240 Speaker 2: But like when we connected, like I'm more connected to 70 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:02,080 Speaker 2: Gladdys than I, you know, of all my other siblings, 71 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 2: Lance would be the second, so Jazz, I haven't really 72 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 2: got to really connect with Jazz as much or Lewis. 73 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 2: I was just saying, like, like with my connection, like 74 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 2: with Gladys, is the most solid connection of all my 75 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,520 Speaker 2: siblings when we met, because I actually met Jasmine first, 76 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:25,040 Speaker 2: but then I met Gladys. But like me and Gladys, 77 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,920 Speaker 2: it's like our connection it was always there versus like 78 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,039 Speaker 2: with Jasmine, I'm still getting to know Jasmine and she's 79 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,960 Speaker 2: still getting to know me, you know, and just still 80 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 2: trying to feel her out, you know, feel you know, 81 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 2: if she trusted me, you know, with speaking with you know, 82 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 2: her past or you know not, and so letting her 83 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,480 Speaker 2: get to know me. Like like we said in the beginning, 84 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 2: there was some things she didn't know about me, about 85 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 2: my past. That's the biggest thing is trying to you know, 86 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 2: when I walk away from this, is learning how to 87 00:04:56,120 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 2: you know, knowing how to address her, she addressing me, 88 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:05,320 Speaker 2: and then just knowing our different backgrounds because growing up 89 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,040 Speaker 2: in Boston everything could be different. You know, I was 90 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,719 Speaker 2: way on one side and he was another. 91 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, how would it help you to be connected to 92 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:16,080 Speaker 1: Jasmine in the way that you are, Gladys? How would 93 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,760 Speaker 1: that like improve your life? 94 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,320 Speaker 2: To be able to understand other people, to be more 95 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,560 Speaker 2: open to understand that, you know, when I'm connecting with 96 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,280 Speaker 2: another person or with my kids, because I do have 97 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,479 Speaker 2: a lot of kids and all of them are different. 98 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,520 Speaker 2: Understanding that, you know, not all the time, everybody's going 99 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,440 Speaker 2: to understand the same way. Not everybody's going to take 100 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:44,480 Speaker 2: everything the same way. And having the patience and the 101 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,560 Speaker 2: will to say, okay, let me listen, let me take 102 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 2: time to know that you're going to be different from 103 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,640 Speaker 2: the other person. You know, like my oldest son is 104 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,640 Speaker 2: not being the same like my younger daughter. And then 105 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 2: taking that experience and learning that and then also flying 106 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 2: it to you know, my children as I speak to 107 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,680 Speaker 2: them applying it to my grandchildren as they grow up 108 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 2: and as they go through because even now with my 109 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 2: grandchildren the dynamics of not being in their lives because 110 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,560 Speaker 2: they are with their parents. If I get on a 111 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,160 Speaker 2: phone call, I can still you know, relate to them 112 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 2: and say, you know what, my siblings, we didn't grow 113 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 2: up together. We were separated, and even though I'm not 114 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 2: around you all the time, we can still communicate. And 115 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 2: I understand because my younger sister it was a gap. 116 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,760 Speaker 2: And then you know, I'm your grandfather. Now you know, 117 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,920 Speaker 2: I can still understand where you may come from if 118 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 2: you have some animosity of me not being around all 119 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 2: the time. So understanding that, learning that, like from Jasmine, 120 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:50,159 Speaker 2: whatever animality she meant had of not being around or 121 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,680 Speaker 2: a dad not being around, I can apply that to 122 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:56,520 Speaker 2: my children, you know, and my grandon. Wow. 123 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,320 Speaker 1: And how would that help your life to be able 124 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,799 Speaker 1: to apply that to your children and your and children, Chris, 125 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,200 Speaker 1: that's deep man, that's big. How would that impact you 126 00:07:03,279 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 1: to be able to apply those lessons to your kids 127 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 1: and grandkids. 128 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:11,520 Speaker 2: Because then they'll be able to also learn to pass 129 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 2: it down. And that's one of the things that we 130 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 2: lack sometimes passing those good tools of life, life lessons 131 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 2: of you know, hey, not only life lessons, but being 132 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 2: able to relate, because I find that in today's society 133 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:32,240 Speaker 2: we lose that relationship of relating to family and we 134 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:37,320 Speaker 2: more relate to our friends. We go outside of that 135 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,440 Speaker 2: family nucleus, you know, and it's like trying to bring 136 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 2: it back to say, hey, we as family will always 137 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,040 Speaker 2: have issues and problems, but if we sit down and 138 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:49,680 Speaker 2: talk and pass down all the lessons that we learn, 139 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 2: it makes the family stronger. I think families have gotten 140 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,239 Speaker 2: weak from that in my opinion. And from what I've seen, 141 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,280 Speaker 2: you know, there's no you know, like what's the movie 142 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:03,160 Speaker 2: so Food? No more big mamas, the old grandma's on 143 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 2: nana's that would bring the whole family together when there 144 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 2: was issues and problems and say, hey, we're family, let's 145 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 2: bring it all together. Just keep passing that down to 146 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:17,120 Speaker 2: generation and you know, have them have a way to 147 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,880 Speaker 2: trust within the family and say, you know what, I 148 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:23,320 Speaker 2: remember my grandfather, he always brought us back together. I 149 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 2: want to keep passing it down. 150 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,679 Speaker 1: And would you be pleased to be the like person 151 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,560 Speaker 1: in your family that starts passing down the positive traits 152 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: to your kids and grandkids. 153 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, I always try to. That's my biggest thing because 154 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 2: I always think about my kids and my grandchildren, and 155 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:43,360 Speaker 2: that's my legacy. You know. I love movies and there 156 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,079 Speaker 2: was a quote in a movie Immortals, I don't know 157 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:51,440 Speaker 2: if you're sawry okay, And I love the quote from 158 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,760 Speaker 2: Mickey Warck that played the bad guy. But he said, 159 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 2: the son will never set on my face, which meant 160 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 2: that he had a lot of seeds out there. You know, 161 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:05,600 Speaker 2: to me, my greatest legacy in life is my children 162 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:10,600 Speaker 2: and passing down the knowledge and experience that I have had, 163 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:15,320 Speaker 2: passing it down to them and keeping them connected. Right now, 164 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,319 Speaker 2: I'm going up to Virginia tomorrow and I got to 165 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,080 Speaker 2: settle some issues between my kids because they're you know, 166 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 2: they have a little bicker in fighting. So it's you know, 167 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,680 Speaker 2: taking that and applying that to them and saying, hey, look, 168 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,679 Speaker 2: you guys are siblings. We got to be able to 169 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,360 Speaker 2: work this out. You got kids, your uncles, your aunts. 170 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,120 Speaker 2: What are they going to look at how are they 171 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,480 Speaker 2: going to look at you guys fighting? How are they 172 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,520 Speaker 2: going to take it on with their cousins their brother's business. 173 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,720 Speaker 2: So that's the thing that I've always tried to do. 174 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,559 Speaker 2: And like I said, even with being the oldest, that's 175 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,080 Speaker 2: the biggest thing that I try to want to be 176 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:55,439 Speaker 2: like that glue with my siblings, you know, and then 177 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:56,280 Speaker 2: just keep carrying it on. 178 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,320 Speaker 1: How does it help you to fill that role, Chris? 179 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: What does it do to you to fill that role? 180 00:10:02,679 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 2: It makes me feel so many different ways. It makes 181 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,359 Speaker 2: me feel proud, but it also makes me feel encouraged, 182 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 2: right because I know if I can be there for them, 183 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,720 Speaker 2: it encourages me to keep doing it and keep learning 184 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 2: and pushing myself to be open, not be one minded, 185 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,559 Speaker 2: so that I can be there and be that symbol 186 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:27,040 Speaker 2: you know that they can look up and say, you know, 187 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 2: especially from you know our father. You know, if he 188 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:35,120 Speaker 2: lacked in that, that's fine. But here I am being 189 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 2: the oldest, then next for my father, looking like our father, 190 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,320 Speaker 2: but I can connect that and make that glue. And 191 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:44,760 Speaker 2: even if he didn't carry the mantle well, I can 192 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,040 Speaker 2: carry it better or learn to carry it better. 193 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,079 Speaker 1: So if Chris, if you and I were to work 194 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,920 Speaker 1: together in the outcome of that is you learn to 195 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,720 Speaker 1: carry that mantle better, would you be pleased with that? 196 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:55,320 Speaker 1: As an outcome. 197 00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:00,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, I really would. I'll be pleased, and you know, 198 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 2: it'll all give me the courage to keep going, you know, 199 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,840 Speaker 2: to keep learning, you know, to keep on you know, 200 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,320 Speaker 2: being better person. I always think that we can always 201 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:12,079 Speaker 2: be better. I always believe that every day we can 202 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:15,000 Speaker 2: always be better ourselves, no matter what it is. One 203 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 2: of the things we probably talked about with financial things, 204 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,439 Speaker 2: as long as you keep moving forward, if you make 205 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,880 Speaker 2: it just ten dollars, if you do one thing good, 206 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 2: then matter that and then work on doing ten other 207 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,559 Speaker 2: things just the same. 208 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:28,240 Speaker 1: Right. 209 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:32,200 Speaker 2: I want to use that as a principle of life, 210 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:36,360 Speaker 2: with going through emotions and experiences. 211 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,199 Speaker 1: Well, okay, so I want to go back and just 212 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,600 Speaker 1: kind of get to know a few parts of your story, 213 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:44,400 Speaker 1: if that's okay. 214 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 2: Sure. 215 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,679 Speaker 1: First of all, how many kids do you have? 216 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,160 Speaker 2: I got seven kids and seven grandchildren. 217 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:53,640 Speaker 1: And the kids are from what age to what age? 218 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,119 Speaker 2: From thirty six to eleven? 219 00:11:56,679 --> 00:11:59,320 Speaker 1: Okay, man seven, that's a lot. 220 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 2: It depends how you look at it. 221 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: And you grew up in Boston, so. 222 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, I grew up in Boston. So how my story begins. 223 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:15,880 Speaker 2: The family that got adopted to were my daycare. They 224 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,880 Speaker 2: were That's how I got associated with them. My mom 225 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:24,360 Speaker 2: found a daycare. They became my daycare, and then my 226 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:29,280 Speaker 2: grandmother my adopt The grandmother ran the daycare. Her daughter 227 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:34,559 Speaker 2: ended up reporting my mom to Department Social Service about 228 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 2: some of the bad conditions that, you know, when I 229 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 2: would come over, I'd be you know, smelly or you know, 230 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,880 Speaker 2: diapers or whatever. Because my mom was young. She was 231 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:45,839 Speaker 2: nineteen when she had me, and she already had my brother, 232 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 2: so she was struggling a little bit. But the state 233 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:57,319 Speaker 2: decided that my daycare would become my foster family. So 234 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:03,079 Speaker 2: my grandmother was see my foster mothers first, and then 235 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 2: I just stayed with them and then and then later 236 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,160 Speaker 2: on they became my adopted family. Especially after when my 237 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:13,240 Speaker 2: mom passed away, I was still up for adoption. I 238 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:17,480 Speaker 2: don't know. I don't know the full story of why 239 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:21,600 Speaker 2: anybody from my biological family didn't step up. I guess 240 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,040 Speaker 2: they just figured I was all right. I don't know 241 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:28,640 Speaker 2: that full story. But I got adopted around eight years 242 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:31,400 Speaker 2: old because it was time. They were just like, hey, 243 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,320 Speaker 2: you've been here with this family so long, what are 244 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,160 Speaker 2: you going to do? So they were just like, you 245 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,560 Speaker 2: gotta choose who's going to be your adopted mother, and 246 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,199 Speaker 2: I don't know some wisdom, I chose my mom that 247 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 2: I have now. 248 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 1: They came to an eight year old kid and said, 249 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,800 Speaker 1: you got to choose who's going to be your mom. 250 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:55,280 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, because okay back in the day, you know, 251 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,520 Speaker 2: because that was the thirty eighties. I remember when it 252 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:03,480 Speaker 2: came and chose laugh sometimes because I had the choice. 253 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:08,440 Speaker 2: I remember logically thinking, she's my nana, you know, I 254 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,679 Speaker 2: always see as my nana. And I was like, I 255 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 2: don't think she's you know, young enough to handle me. 256 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,120 Speaker 2: I don't know how I came up with that logic. 257 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,360 Speaker 2: Someone else was thinking for me, but I chose. I 258 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,480 Speaker 2: chose her daughter to be my mom. 259 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:26,400 Speaker 1: At what age did you realize that I'm away from 260 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,280 Speaker 1: my family? 261 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 2: Yeah? I always did. I knew I had brothers, and 262 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,200 Speaker 2: I didn't know that I had a sister because I 263 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 2: didn't know the whole tragedy story. I guess in their minds, 264 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 2: they never wanted to tell me the full truth of 265 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 2: what happened. They always told me, you know, God took 266 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,440 Speaker 2: your mom away, and we were heavily into, you know, 267 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:49,240 Speaker 2: being Catholic. The family that raised me was from Saint Lucia, 268 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 2: we're in the church. But but I never understood when 269 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,840 Speaker 2: they was telling me, how can you tell me that 270 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,320 Speaker 2: God took my mom away? But it's supposed to be 271 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,640 Speaker 2: a merciful god, you know. That was one of the 272 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 2: things that confused me growing up being in the church 273 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 2: and trying to listen to that. And then one of 274 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,080 Speaker 2: the things that had bothered me, which led to me 275 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 2: being in therapy, was why don't my family come for me? 276 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,520 Speaker 2: You know? But I never got straight answers. But later 277 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 2: on in life, I found out that my adopted family 278 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,960 Speaker 2: got attached to me and didn't want to lose me. 279 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:35,360 Speaker 2: When my adopted mom moved to a different residence, they 280 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 2: never told my family where I went. My grandmother did. 281 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:42,120 Speaker 2: They just kept it a secret. You know. I guess that, 282 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,320 Speaker 2: you know, the affair was like of losing me. But 283 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,200 Speaker 2: you know, when you're a kid, you don't know all 284 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 2: those things. You don't know the backstories, right. I remember 285 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,240 Speaker 2: always wanting to have a sister. I don't know why. 286 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,280 Speaker 2: I just always wanted to have a sister. I don't 287 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 2: know why. That was angry child being separated. I was 288 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,360 Speaker 2: trying to figure out, like, why are you telling me 289 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 2: God took my mom. But it supposed to be merciful God. 290 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,400 Speaker 2: You know. It was just so confusing. And then I 291 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,560 Speaker 2: got in trouble, you know, being out you know, the 292 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:17,280 Speaker 2: street to Boston. I got locked up. I was out 293 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 2: in Waltham somewhere, locked up, dys whatever. And I remember 294 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,680 Speaker 2: my sister had told me because somehow it got brought up. 295 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,480 Speaker 2: I said, yeah, I know I have older sisters, but 296 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,400 Speaker 2: I said I always wish I had a younger sister. 297 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 2: And my one of my doctor's sisters said, you did 298 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 2: have a sister. And I was like, what what do 299 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,800 Speaker 2: you mean. I was like, well, I was twelve years 300 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,520 Speaker 2: old now. I was like, what are you talking about? 301 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,120 Speaker 2: And she was like, you did have a sister. You 302 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,480 Speaker 2: lost her, And I'm like, what is going on? When 303 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,760 Speaker 2: did this happen? Luckily I was locked up because it 304 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,240 Speaker 2: threw me, you know, into an anger fit, you know. 305 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 2: And that's one of the things, you know, and taking 306 00:16:55,760 --> 00:17:01,000 Speaker 2: away from like our sessions, and I always try for 307 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 2: the truth of things, no matter what, and even like 308 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,800 Speaker 2: with my siblings and even with my children, I always 309 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,480 Speaker 2: try to tell them the truth. It's because the truth 310 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,440 Speaker 2: was hidden from me for the longest time. I didn't 311 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:18,240 Speaker 2: find the truth until I was older. I was in 312 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,359 Speaker 2: my thirties when you asked me what I take from it. 313 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 2: I always want to know the truth, no matter how 314 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,200 Speaker 2: hard it is with my siblings, and hey, I'll tell 315 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 2: you my truth, tell you my story, and take it 316 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,800 Speaker 2: from there because it's a learning experience. 317 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 1: Can you take me back to when you were twelve 318 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,639 Speaker 1: and you found out you had a sister while you 319 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,480 Speaker 1: were locked up, you said it took you to an 320 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,000 Speaker 1: anger fit. How did you deal with that? So now 321 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:55,600 Speaker 1: I have an eight year old who has to choose 322 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,840 Speaker 1: his family, and now you're locked up. When you get 323 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:04,199 Speaker 1: you get another bit of truth at twelve that you 324 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:07,640 Speaker 1: had a sister? How did you deal with that? 325 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:11,879 Speaker 2: I didn't like I said, I was luckily I was 326 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:18,000 Speaker 2: locked up. I was. I had a anger fit, became violent. 327 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 2: You know I chose, you know me, I chose a 328 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 2: lot of violence when I was young. I had the 329 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:28,200 Speaker 2: thought process when I was younger that it was easier 330 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 2: to be angry to to be happy, because I felt 331 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 2: at that time that every time I found out something 332 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,399 Speaker 2: that I wanted to find out, it angered me because 333 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,120 Speaker 2: it was so confusion of why can't y'all just tell 334 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:45,360 Speaker 2: me the truth. Why can't y'all trust me to handle 335 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:51,040 Speaker 2: the truth? You know? And here I am. One of 336 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,680 Speaker 2: the things I remember. When I was young, I asked 337 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 2: my adopted grandmother, how did I ever know if I 338 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,720 Speaker 2: was with you guys at a young age? Because I 339 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,560 Speaker 2: was with them at like three months when they were 340 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,119 Speaker 2: watching me. I said, how did I know? I had 341 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:11,800 Speaker 2: a mom? All I remember is you guys. I can't 342 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 2: remember anything before my mom's death. I can't remember when 343 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,959 Speaker 2: I was with my mom. I can't remember those things. 344 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,840 Speaker 2: My brother they remember when I met my brothers, they 345 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,000 Speaker 2: were like, oh, yeah, we used to hang out. I'm like, what, 346 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,000 Speaker 2: I don't have that memory. All I remember is going 347 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:36,040 Speaker 2: to Disney World when my mom passed away. My adopted 348 00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:38,480 Speaker 2: mom had already planned to take me to Disney World, 349 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,240 Speaker 2: and that's all I remembered at that time. I don't 350 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,240 Speaker 2: know what happened to my memory. My older brother, Kwan, 351 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,239 Speaker 2: he used to tell me, yeah, we used to hang 352 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,200 Speaker 2: out when we were younger. I used to try to 353 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,879 Speaker 2: get you in trouble, and I'm like, I have no 354 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:53,479 Speaker 2: memory of it. 355 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 1: How old were you when your mom passed away? 356 00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,320 Speaker 2: I was four years old. I remember like when I 357 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:01,440 Speaker 2: asked my brother, I was like, you got so much 358 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 2: of a sensive memory, and I said, I don't. I 359 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,199 Speaker 2: remember when I met him. We had to fill me 360 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,440 Speaker 2: in on when we hang down and stuff like that, 361 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 2: but I don't remember till this day. 362 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,240 Speaker 1: How old were you when you felt like you got 363 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:19,400 Speaker 1: the whole truth? You got bits of truth along the way. 364 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,000 Speaker 1: How old were you when you felt like you got 365 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:21,679 Speaker 1: the whole truth? 366 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,480 Speaker 2: About twenty years ago, I found my biological family and 367 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,040 Speaker 2: then you know, they sat me down, you know, you know, 368 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,879 Speaker 2: family members, was like, hey, this is what this happened. 369 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,280 Speaker 2: This is what this happened. I'm like what. And then 370 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,480 Speaker 2: you know, I had to go back and ask questions. 371 00:20:37,119 --> 00:20:39,479 Speaker 2: And at the time from my adopted mom, I had 372 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,160 Speaker 2: to ask her some questions, some tough questions. I said, 373 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,920 Speaker 2: meeting my real family, they're telling me things that now 374 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,720 Speaker 2: I need clarification. And I said, I'm not. I said, 375 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,800 Speaker 2: I'm too old to get the whole grudges. I'm I'm 376 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,760 Speaker 2: past that. I just want to know what was the answer. 377 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,840 Speaker 2: So I was like about about thirty four years old. 378 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,679 Speaker 1: To be thirty four years old and finally get the truth, 379 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,280 Speaker 1: how did that make a difference in your life? 380 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,960 Speaker 2: Going through what I've been through in life, I can 381 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 2: say I was more acceptable, like I was more able 382 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,800 Speaker 2: to accept things, you know, not past blames. I think 383 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:21,159 Speaker 2: at that time, I had been through one war, so 384 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 2: you know, in the military. I was in the military. 385 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 2: I was involved in Cuasut for war. Okay, So for me, 386 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,639 Speaker 2: I was thankful for life. You know. I looked at 387 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 2: things differently because I had the win the war, and 388 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,719 Speaker 2: then it's like, man, we made it through this craziness. 389 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 2: But when I found out, I was just like, Okay, 390 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:44,560 Speaker 2: I just want to know the truth. 391 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:45,080 Speaker 1: You know. 392 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:48,040 Speaker 2: I'm not trying to blame nobody. I don't want to 393 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,879 Speaker 2: have no regrets, especially when I met my family and 394 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 2: my dad. My dad didn't have his name on my 395 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:58,439 Speaker 2: birth certificate, so I never knew my dad's name. He 396 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:03,240 Speaker 2: just kept up with my real family. How my family 397 00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:06,679 Speaker 2: was found, I had an ex girlfriend in the Navy 398 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,960 Speaker 2: and Skim, the FBI agent. She's the one that found 399 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 2: the family for me. When she found the family, I said, 400 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:19,400 Speaker 2: when I met everybody, I was just happy to close 401 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,199 Speaker 2: a chapter because I was always trying to look for 402 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,840 Speaker 2: my family. I didn't know how many brothers and sisters 403 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,480 Speaker 2: I had from my dad's side. I only knew from 404 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:31,159 Speaker 2: my mom's side. It was just a new beginning. So 405 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 2: for me, I didn't I didn't walk into this with 406 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,960 Speaker 2: any like anger. I didn't walk into it, you know, 407 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:44,720 Speaker 2: with any animosity. I just wanted to know who I was. 408 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:49,679 Speaker 2: And to me, that was the thing, was like finding 409 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,199 Speaker 2: myself like who I was. It was just confirmation of 410 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:55,200 Speaker 2: things that I didn't it because, you know, from my 411 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,040 Speaker 2: adoptive family, they would tease me, oh, how do you 412 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,560 Speaker 2: know your Puerto Rican And I'm like my dad, you know, 413 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:03,200 Speaker 2: you know, like you know kids you know could be kids, 414 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:03,479 Speaker 2: you know. 415 00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:04,320 Speaker 1: Yeah. 416 00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:09,720 Speaker 2: So once I found that, I had to say, don't 417 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,240 Speaker 2: bring no anger into this. You went through life, You're 418 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,560 Speaker 2: had a new chapter, you found your family. Now let's 419 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,200 Speaker 2: just stop learning. Just walk into it with open minds, 420 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:21,120 Speaker 2: open heart. 421 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:24,760 Speaker 1: And if you woke up tomorrow and you're just taking 422 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,679 Speaker 1: another step into being a better person, how would you 423 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,480 Speaker 1: notice it? What would be the first clue that would 424 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:35,800 Speaker 1: tell you I'm not perfect, I've had this crazy journey, 425 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: but I've taken another step into being the best version 426 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:40,199 Speaker 1: of me. How would you notice that? 427 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,600 Speaker 2: How I deal with things like today in life, when 428 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,399 Speaker 2: I get knocked down if things don't go my way. 429 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,000 Speaker 2: I don't have that anger like I used to when 430 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,560 Speaker 2: I was younger or in my twenties. I'm more open. 431 00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:55,879 Speaker 2: I'm always looking for the brighter things, even though I know, 432 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,080 Speaker 2: you know, if I hear something that's bad, whatever it 433 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,719 Speaker 2: may be, I'm still just happy that I'm here. I'm 434 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,600 Speaker 2: able to experience it. I'm able to sit back and 435 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 2: try to listen more. What's that that new TikTok Oh? 436 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,000 Speaker 2: We listen but we don't judge. 437 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, Yeah, I saw that. 438 00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:22,200 Speaker 2: It's kind of that concept, you know, listening, don't judge, 439 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:26,360 Speaker 2: knowing that, hey, things happen, and I just, you know, 440 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:29,200 Speaker 2: I always try to stay happy. A lot of people 441 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 2: always look at me and like, like, today's my birthday, 442 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,320 Speaker 2: and they be like, oh, you're fifty two years old. 443 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,280 Speaker 2: I didn't think it was fifty two. Like, yeah, I'm 444 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,680 Speaker 2: fifty two. They say, how do you do it? I said, 445 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,960 Speaker 2: it's definitely not eating, because I like to eat. But 446 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,600 Speaker 2: I said, it's just being happy. I just like being happy, 447 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,720 Speaker 2: and I search for my inner piece. That's the biggest thing. 448 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,520 Speaker 2: More and more, I gain, you know, bigger, bigger, inner piece, 449 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 2: to be able to deal with everything and to be 450 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,560 Speaker 2: level minded. That's how I would look at it. 451 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:03,920 Speaker 1: Is today actually your birthday, yeah, oh wow, happy birthday? Yeah, 452 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:08,240 Speaker 1: thank you, and this waking up tomorrow just a little 453 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,480 Speaker 1: bit better with inner peace and happiness. Who would be 454 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,879 Speaker 1: the first person other than yourself to notice it? 455 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:18,080 Speaker 2: I think anybody and everybody that knows me, because of 456 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:22,520 Speaker 2: the fact that people know how I am. Like at work, 457 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 2: i am known as happy Feet. That's my nickname is 458 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:29,440 Speaker 2: happy Feet. I love the movie Happy Feet, so I'm 459 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,840 Speaker 2: always doing a little dancing, you know, like hey, you know, 460 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,080 Speaker 2: so that's me. But if I'm ever off, If I 461 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,680 Speaker 2: had a day off, everybody knows, like, oh, what's wrong 462 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,760 Speaker 2: with happy Feet? Dad, what's going on? And I could 463 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,240 Speaker 2: be like, no, I'm all right, I'm just mayby in 464 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 2: deep thought. Oh but you're always you know, sitchever. Oh no, no, 465 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,480 Speaker 2: I'm good. I have to explain it because they everybody 466 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:52,040 Speaker 2: knows when I go throughout my dad I'm a happy person. 467 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:56,800 Speaker 2: So if something is wrong, people would know because I'm 468 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 2: always there for people, always trying to joke with people. 469 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:05,119 Speaker 2: My sense of humor is crazy. It goes from one 470 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,159 Speaker 2: backroom to the other. I could be dark. I I 471 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,720 Speaker 2: just like humor. I like to laugh and that's me. 472 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:14,520 Speaker 2: So if there's a moment where if I'm too quiet, yeah, people, Hey, hey, 473 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 2: what's going on? 474 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,119 Speaker 1: When are you gonna go see your twin daughter? The 475 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,640 Speaker 1: daughters in Virginia that you have to kind of help 476 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:21,280 Speaker 1: with the situation. 477 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,480 Speaker 2: Well, I got twins sons tomorrow, I'm driving up tonight, 478 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:28,840 Speaker 2: I'm going to Georgia to see Gladys and then I'll 479 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:30,400 Speaker 2: be in Virginia Saturday morning. 480 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:35,679 Speaker 1: How would they notice that you've taken another step in 481 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,720 Speaker 1: bettering yourself and connecting with them. How would they notice 482 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,040 Speaker 1: that something has changed because you've gotten just a little 483 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:41,480 Speaker 1: bit better. 484 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:49,840 Speaker 2: How my response is because they always like my For instance, 485 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,679 Speaker 2: I was just talking to now the fight is between 486 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,240 Speaker 2: my youngest daughter and one of the twins Lumba boys. 487 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,000 Speaker 2: But my daughter she said something that I was like, 488 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,040 Speaker 2: oh okay. She said, you know when Kevin, when you 489 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 2: come up dad, because they have a disagreement, and she goes, 490 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,520 Speaker 2: oh wait till your dad come up here. He told 491 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,639 Speaker 2: me you're like the only adult that he will not 492 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,760 Speaker 2: swear at. He maintains is. You know, he'll go off 493 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,720 Speaker 2: on everybody else, but he gives you a lot of respect. 494 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:15,880 Speaker 2: So she was like, yeah, you wait till he does 495 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,760 Speaker 2: come up here. So that's the thing, Like, like I 496 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:23,520 Speaker 2: could keep it even kill with my kids, even if 497 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,680 Speaker 2: I addressed them. You know, I'm always happy if if 498 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:31,720 Speaker 2: I was to ever address them out of anger or 499 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,040 Speaker 2: or you know, miss they would know like something is 500 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:38,080 Speaker 2: wrong with Dad, Like that's not Dad. 501 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:42,320 Speaker 1: How would they know that something was right with Dad 502 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,800 Speaker 1: and getting right? Or how would they know there's something 503 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:49,080 Speaker 1: right with Dad? And it seems to be. 504 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,920 Speaker 2: I think mostly like my responses, like when my responses 505 00:27:54,960 --> 00:28:01,320 Speaker 2: get better, or if I can like some learning here, 506 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:04,760 Speaker 2: if I was able to address them in a different 507 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:09,760 Speaker 2: way with a better explanation, then that's when they're know like, hey, 508 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 2: we brought up a new way. You know, he brought 509 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,560 Speaker 2: up something new from what he you know, was saying before. 510 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,200 Speaker 2: That's how well my kids know me, like my response 511 00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:22,119 Speaker 2: to them. They know I can say anything to my dad, 512 00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 2: but for them, it's all about how he says it. 513 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,320 Speaker 2: What way does he bring it up? You know, what 514 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,840 Speaker 2: new way, what new saying did he bring And that's 515 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:33,520 Speaker 2: how they would know. 516 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:39,600 Speaker 1: How would you know that you are doing a better job, 517 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,000 Speaker 1: not that you were doing a bad job before, but 518 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 1: you were doing a better job of taking care of 519 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,440 Speaker 1: that legacy, Like your children meet your legacy. How would 520 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,600 Speaker 1: you know that you were doing an even better job 521 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 1: of attending to your legacy, ending down those positive things, 522 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 1: not just negative things. 523 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 2: When I go up there, it's when they listen to 524 00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,600 Speaker 2: what I'm telling them of how to be siblings, when 525 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:05,000 Speaker 2: they start working together more and they're like, okay, you know, 526 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,479 Speaker 2: like because I understand it's a growing process as they 527 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:11,040 Speaker 2: get older, but when they start sitting there and saying, 528 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,840 Speaker 2: you know what, Dad's right. For instance, my youngest daughter, 529 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:19,040 Speaker 2: I was always telling her, you think life is so hard. 530 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:21,280 Speaker 2: You're just going through high school. I said, wait till 531 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 2: you graduate high school. Being an adult, it's hard. It's 532 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:27,280 Speaker 2: not the same. You got so much responsibility. I remember 533 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:31,360 Speaker 2: my daughter told me, Dad, you think you know it all. 534 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:33,720 Speaker 2: And I told her, it's not that I know it all. 535 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:36,520 Speaker 2: I only tell you what I know from my experience. 536 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,920 Speaker 2: Whatever I don't know, I will tell you, hey, let's 537 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:43,840 Speaker 2: figure it out. It's just knowing the experience that I've 538 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:46,720 Speaker 2: been through and I pass it on to you. And 539 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:49,440 Speaker 2: that's that thing like once, you know, when I've gained 540 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:53,680 Speaker 2: new experience, when I gain something new of how to 541 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:57,240 Speaker 2: approach someone differently, I said, like learning from my siblings, 542 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,280 Speaker 2: learning how to approach them differently than I can approach 543 00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:04,360 Speaker 2: my kids differently and say, okay, I can relate to 544 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:09,040 Speaker 2: you better, and here's my better response. Maybe two months 545 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:14,040 Speaker 2: ago I was saying this, but now it's different because 546 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:17,760 Speaker 2: I've learned something new. So now why don't you think 547 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,320 Speaker 2: about it this way and giving it to them a 548 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:20,200 Speaker 2: different perspective? 549 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:22,800 Speaker 1: Would that feel good for you? 550 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 2: Yeah? I would, especially when they get it. It's like 551 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:31,840 Speaker 2: when you teach. I was an instructor, but it's it's 552 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:33,760 Speaker 2: you know, I know it's different for you know, like 553 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,680 Speaker 2: when you're teaching adults, but still it's always when you're 554 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,160 Speaker 2: trying to teach someone something. And then when they get that, 555 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,720 Speaker 2: oh I got it, you're like, yeah, you feel more 556 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:47,880 Speaker 2: confident because now you know they got it, They've gained 557 00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:51,560 Speaker 2: confidence and knowledge, and then you gained confidence because you 558 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:54,440 Speaker 2: found a new way to get to them. Right, because 559 00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:57,600 Speaker 2: everybody you know is different in these day names So 560 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 2: when they can learn and understand like, oh, oh yeah, 561 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:03,760 Speaker 2: that was that was my bad. Let me take And 562 00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:07,160 Speaker 2: that's the thing I want to pass down to my kids. 563 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,560 Speaker 2: One of the things is also teaching them make sure 564 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 2: you accept your responsibility of what you do in life, 565 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:16,440 Speaker 2: whether it's good or bad. Make sure you know you're 566 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,280 Speaker 2: able to accept your responsibilities to your actions. 567 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,360 Speaker 1: How would Gladys notice that a better version of her 568 00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:23,360 Speaker 1: brother has showed up? 569 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,520 Speaker 2: Oh? Trust, Like I said, you know, just like with 570 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,200 Speaker 2: my work is, God has knows how I feel. She 571 00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:31,280 Speaker 2: can see it in me, she. 572 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:35,040 Speaker 1: Can just gotcha. Well, Chris, we're about out of time. 573 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:40,760 Speaker 1: Can I ask you to do something actually to somethings? Okay, 574 00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:48,120 Speaker 1: when you're on this trip, I want you to notice 575 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:55,200 Speaker 1: your children and your sister. I want you to notice 576 00:31:55,280 --> 00:32:00,280 Speaker 1: them enjoying you. I want you to notice them like 577 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:09,280 Speaker 1: being pleased that you're around. I think you've had I 578 00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,160 Speaker 1: don't think I've ever met anybody who had eight years 579 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:12,840 Speaker 1: old they had to pick who their parents are going 580 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,480 Speaker 1: to be. I wish someone would just tell me the truth. 581 00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:18,280 Speaker 1: Why is nobody trusted me with the truth. He was 582 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:20,600 Speaker 1: being told bits and pieces of the truth along the way, 583 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:22,960 Speaker 1: but he didn't get the whole truth until he was 584 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:27,080 Speaker 1: in his thirties. That gives you a certain level of 585 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:31,240 Speaker 1: wisdom that I want you to kind of catch yourself 586 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:34,840 Speaker 1: sharing with your kids and with your siblings, and in 587 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,680 Speaker 1: some ways it doesn't really matter whether they get it 588 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:41,960 Speaker 1: right away, but just having you around, having gone through 589 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,600 Speaker 1: all of that and be so positive and connected to them. 590 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,680 Speaker 1: I want you to feel like these people really like 591 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:52,360 Speaker 1: that I'm around. Given where you've been through, that's got 592 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:54,960 Speaker 1: to matter to you. And I want you to live 593 00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: in that truth for a minute. I want you to 594 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:59,640 Speaker 1: enjoy that. When I was eight years old, I had 595 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 1: to chew lose my family. But now I'm in this 596 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:06,840 Speaker 1: family and these people are consistently choosing me and that 597 00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:10,120 Speaker 1: must feel good. I want you to enjoy that. I 598 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:12,280 Speaker 1: want you to notice the impact it has on you. 599 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:16,800 Speaker 1: I'm good enough, I'm what the people around me want 600 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:20,440 Speaker 1: and enjoyed. Notice them relishing you in that way. 601 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, because I know, like Michel Ladis, even though you 602 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:26,200 Speaker 2: know I was just coming up to spend a little 603 00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:28,440 Speaker 2: bit of Bob, she was like, ah, I could just 604 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:29,280 Speaker 2: kill my brother. 605 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:32,440 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, how do you think we did today? 606 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:34,640 Speaker 2: They're good? They're good. They're good. 607 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:41,040 Speaker 1: As we close this session with Chris, I'm left reflecting 608 00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:43,280 Speaker 1: on the courage it takes to lead from a place 609 00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 1: of openness. Chris has lived through separation, confusing and abandonment, 610 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:52,840 Speaker 1: but instead of letting bitterness take root, He's choosing to 611 00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:55,880 Speaker 1: be the glue that keeps his family connected, even when 612 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:59,960 Speaker 1: the past didn't offer him the same stability for everyone, Listen, 613 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:04,040 Speaker 1: I want to invite you into a moment of reflection. Family, 614 00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:08,319 Speaker 1: even in its complicated imperfect form, is one of the 615 00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:13,200 Speaker 1: first places where legacy is created, and preserving that legacy 616 00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:16,520 Speaker 1: often starts with one person deciding to take the reins 617 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:20,279 Speaker 1: and show up differently. Here are a few questions you 618 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,320 Speaker 1: can ask yourself as you think about your own relationships 619 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:28,799 Speaker 1: and the role you play within them. What does leadership 620 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,839 Speaker 1: look like in my family and how am I contributing 621 00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:40,680 Speaker 1: to it intentionally or not? Where can I choose understanding 622 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:43,919 Speaker 1: over assumption in the ways I approach the people I love? 623 00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:53,160 Speaker 1: What truths or stories from my past could help strengthen 624 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:59,799 Speaker 1: the next generation if I share them honestly? What will 625 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,799 Speaker 1: my my legacy be not in terms of achievement, but 626 00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:07,000 Speaker 1: in the relationships I nurture and the connections I preserve. 627 00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:14,480 Speaker 1: Chris reminds us that leadership isn't always loud. Sometimes it's 628 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,600 Speaker 1: simply the willingness to learn about your people, love them 629 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:20,520 Speaker 1: through their differences, and intentionally pass down the tools you 630 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:25,080 Speaker 1: never received. Thank you for joining us today. I hope 631 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:28,239 Speaker 1: this conversation encourages you to take one step towards strengthening 632 00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:34,560 Speaker 1: the bonds that build your own family's legacy. I would 633 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:37,840 Speaker 1: love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family, 634 00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:41,120 Speaker 1: and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM connect 635 00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:43,480 Speaker 1: with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can 636 00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:45,759 Speaker 1: also send me a text message to nine seven two 637 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 1: four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is 638 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:53,280 Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. 639 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,560 Speaker 1: Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by 640 00:35:56,640 --> 00:36:00,440 Speaker 1: Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer, Dolly sa Bishop. 641 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:04,320 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio 642 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:09,520 Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The 643 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:12,480 Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for 644 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:15,360 Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a 645 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,279 Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does 646 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:21,560 Speaker 1: not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to 647 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:24,239 Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any 648 00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:26,160 Speaker 1: specific concern or questions you may have