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Speaker 1: Blind Down with Jane Kramer and Michael Coffin and I'm

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Speaker 1: her radio podcast. You know what I think is funny

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Speaker 1: where there's been a few times where we've woken up

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Speaker 1: in the morning and whatever our dream was has really

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Speaker 1: dictated how we felt about the other person. Yeah, because

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Speaker 1: the other day I woke up and you broke up

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Speaker 1: with me and you went back to your ex girlfriend,

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Speaker 1: and I was just blindsided, and I just remember it

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Speaker 1: feeling so real and just like, how could he just

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Speaker 1: blindside me like this? And I told Mike, I was

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Speaker 1: like and the worst part of it was, I was

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Speaker 1: like I had no prospects. Like I just remember going

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Speaker 1: through my phone being like, you didn't even give me

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Speaker 1: a heads up. I didn't have heads up to even

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Speaker 1: think about who a prospect could be. But I was

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Speaker 1: just like nobody. That was the thing that she was

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Speaker 1: the most upset about. She was like, Okay, fine, you

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Speaker 1: left me for your ext but damn give her sister

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Speaker 1: heads up so I could set some things in motion.

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Speaker 1: And then you're like, you'd have prospects. I was like no,

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Speaker 1: And I was like I started thinking about it. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you know how we've always you know, like when you're

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Speaker 1: in relationships. You're like, I could probably Texas person, but like,

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Speaker 1: there was nobody in my dream, and there would be

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Speaker 1: nobody now, but I'm just saying there was nobody and

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Speaker 1: it was just I woke up just being like, oh

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Speaker 1: I didn't like that, and then I was just like,

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Speaker 1: how could you do that to me? And then this

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Speaker 1: morning you woke up, yeah, where you slept with somebody

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Speaker 1: that we know, and you're so unapologetic and unempathetic. You're

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Speaker 1: just like, yeah, okay, whatever changed. I woke up. I

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Speaker 1: was like, what the is your problem? I was like,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, what's dick? I was like, what

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Speaker 1: do you mean? I was like, good morning to you too.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, good morning, and I was like, what

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Speaker 1: did I do wrong to you last night? Bad taste

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Speaker 1: in my mouth about you? This morning? Well, but then

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Speaker 1: you get ever it. I just think it's funny. No,

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Speaker 1: it is fun me because we didn't actually I didn't

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Speaker 1: actually cheat on you and you didn't actually leave me

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Speaker 1: for your ex. But the first thing you wake up,

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Speaker 1: you kind of give that personal look, like vivid dreams

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Speaker 1: that you have. Dreams are interesting, dreams are so interesting.

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Speaker 1: But I also think dreams, which I'd love to get

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Speaker 1: a dream expert on because I'm so fascinated by dreams

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Speaker 1: and what it means. And you know why I was

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Speaker 1: you know, why did you dream about me having an

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Speaker 1: affair with someone? I think we talked to somebody early

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Speaker 1: on in the show from us doing this show, someone

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Speaker 1: talked about dreams and they were describing it more as

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Speaker 1: like metaphork, where it's just like if you dream about

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Speaker 1: a polar bearer, that means you're sad or something like that,

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Speaker 1: and I just I want more more than that. I

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Speaker 1: want more than just like the metaphor around it. Well,

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Speaker 1: they say that whatever you're thinking about before you go

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Speaker 1: to bed, that could also be what's in your dream.

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Speaker 1: So were you thinking that I was having an affair?

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Speaker 1: See I completely personally, I completely disagree with that in

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Speaker 1: my in my experience, yeah, where it's like things that

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Speaker 1: I'll think about it before bed, I very seldom dream about. Well,

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Speaker 1: we had this dream book growing up and it was

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Speaker 1: a gift I think that my uncle Ray gave to

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Speaker 1: my mom and it was all about dreams. And it's

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Speaker 1: crazy because you would look in this dream book and

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Speaker 1: even to this day, I think my mom still has it,

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Speaker 1: but it's like torn to shreds and pieces missing, because

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Speaker 1: it's just this book is like this ancient witch book, right,

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Speaker 1: and if you were to dream about like a shark,

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Speaker 1: you go in there and you look at this dream

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Speaker 1: book and it's like, oh, yeah, I am kind of

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Speaker 1: stressed out about money right now or whatever, like the

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Speaker 1: shark represents you know, or you feel like trapped or

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Speaker 1: you feel interesting, I know. And so then you start

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Speaker 1: to introspectively look at it and you're like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: kind of. But then it's like there's that also shape

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Speaker 1: your like steer you in a direction on your thought

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Speaker 1: process maybe or maybe it's something good, like something's coming.

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Speaker 1: But then Mike has like a you know, one of

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Speaker 1: your video game games, or like an alien dream, which

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Speaker 1: if I could take my dreams and the next day

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Speaker 1: be able to jot down everything in detail as vivid

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Speaker 1: as it wasn't my dream, I would be the next

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Speaker 1: Michael Bay. Like my dreams would be uh them as

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Speaker 1: movies would be amazing. I feel like you and Eastern

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Speaker 1: would have like the most like Marvel packed word dreams. Easton,

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Speaker 1: do you agree with this if our dreams could become movies,

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Speaker 1: I don't know that. Like I almost feel like Eastern's

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Speaker 1: like dreams are not what we think they're Eastern. My

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Speaker 1: dreams are not exciting at all. They're they're not like

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Speaker 1: it's like I have to like build a go cart

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Speaker 1: with my ex landlord. Like that's like the dream very disappointing.

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Speaker 1: That mean storry to let you down, to Mike, but

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Speaker 1: that is disappointing, you know. It's anxiety that nfs in

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Speaker 1: really disappointing ways. Like my wife has like crazy dreams

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Speaker 1: where she's like being chased by a serial killer or

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Speaker 1: like something so insane. And then mine are like always

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Speaker 1: like I had a dream that I left my keys

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Speaker 1: at home and I had to go get them and

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Speaker 1: I was waiting for work, and it's like I had

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Speaker 1: come on these dreams. You're like, come on, You're like,

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Speaker 1: I'm the coolest, I have the greatest ideas, Like give

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Speaker 1: me some Marvel, But no, I have to reoccurring dreams,

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Speaker 1: like the one is that I don't I didn't graduate

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Speaker 1: high school. That's one reoccurring dream. And I always wake

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Speaker 1: up feeling just like a failure. And but it's like

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Speaker 1: a constant thing where I'm like, oh my god, I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to graduate. I'm not going to graduate like crap.

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Speaker 1: So that's one, and then the second one is whenever

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Speaker 1: I'm sick. And I've had this since I was like

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Speaker 1: Jolie's age. I can remember whenever I'm sick, I have

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Speaker 1: I have like a dream of like a trailer or

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Speaker 1: like one of those tractors like crushing me terrif. I know,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, this is this is a different thing,

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Speaker 1: but it's it's along the thought of dreams, but it's

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Speaker 1: more of like a day dream where I'll almost like

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Speaker 1: relive a situation but the opposite outcome occurred. We're like, man,

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Speaker 1: say I had a really good football game, right, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like reflecting back on it, I'm like, oh, what

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Speaker 1: if I had dropped that pass? What if I had

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Speaker 1: done this? And it's like I'll take my back myself

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Speaker 1: back through the memory with the opposite outcome, and then

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Speaker 1: I'll like start feeling like the guilt or shamer on him.

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Speaker 1: I don't have sucked, but like, no, no, it didn't happen.

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Speaker 1: Didn't happen. Yeah, do you ever do that? Cool? Just me?

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Speaker 1: I do that all the time, Mike, I start, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I do, like I had a really bad relationship like

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Speaker 1: ten years ago that like really messed me up, and

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Speaker 1: I always think about, like I could, like what if

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Speaker 1: I had gotten her pregnant or like gotten married to her,

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Speaker 1: Like I was thinking about that and how different my

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Speaker 1: life would be now, because like I was just making

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Speaker 1: some horrible decisions when I was with this person, and like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, I think about that all the time,

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Speaker 1: and then then I feel like, oh, I'm glad I

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Speaker 1: didn't do all that stuff, Like I'm right because I'm

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Speaker 1: happy with the decisions I did make. It's like when

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Speaker 1: you press on a tooth that kind of hurts, you know,

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Speaker 1: like it's like a controlled kind of pain because I

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Speaker 1: don't know if that makes sense, No, that makes sense,

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Speaker 1: but that's what it feels like. M Yeah, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I could, if I could, if

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Speaker 1: I do that, like that would just I feel like

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Speaker 1: that cosm anxiety, like the what IF's and that's like,

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Speaker 1: all right, I went through that. That sucks or that stunk,

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Speaker 1: you know, But if not or if I wouldn't have

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Speaker 1: done this, and I would, it's like I I mean, yeah, definitely,

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Speaker 1: it definitely opens up a rabbit hole that you can

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Speaker 1: start going down. It's but yet it is what if

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Speaker 1: trained And for me it's primarily been sport. It's related,

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Speaker 1: but there's also been times where, like you Easton, where

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Speaker 1: I'm like, well, man, what if what if I never

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Speaker 1: met Janna? You know what I mean? Like, I can't

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Speaker 1: imagine what my life would be like. It wouldn't be

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Speaker 1: nearly what it is. And what if this didn't happen?

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Speaker 1: What if that didn't happen. It's just, yeah, it's crazy.

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Speaker 1: So that's what those are. It's so interesting that those

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Speaker 1: are the because I don't I don't know if. I

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Speaker 1: wonder if women, Becky, do you do that? Because I

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Speaker 1: don't feel like I do the well what if I

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Speaker 1: didn't make Mike? Where would I be? It's almost just

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Speaker 1: I don't know, um no, because that would cause me anxiety.

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Speaker 1: I would have an actual panic attack. The what if

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Speaker 1: mindset would like be paralyzing for me. Yeah, go down

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Speaker 1: that path, which is so interesting. I wonder if it's

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Speaker 1: like like mostly guys do that, then that is interesting

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Speaker 1: I think for me. I think we should have a

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Speaker 1: dream expert, I think and they could probably touch on

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Speaker 1: this topic because it is kind of a similar relation

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Speaker 1: between dreams and like this what if thought process, and

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Speaker 1: I think for me at least personally, it's my way

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Speaker 1: of reflecting and being able to be, you know, express

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Speaker 1: gratitude for the moment to be like Okay, it's like

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna take myself down this bad path of where

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Speaker 1: things could be, but then it brings me back to

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Speaker 1: where I'm am today and be like, man, thank god

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Speaker 1: I am where I am today, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 1: Like it's yeah, yeah, I mean I'm starting thinking like, well,

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Speaker 1: what if I didn't where I go. I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: what if I didn't meet my crazy X in the

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Speaker 1: baby beginning? And then what if I didn't meet you? Well,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, then I wouldn't have Jolian Jason.

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Speaker 1: Then I started to get Then I start to get

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Speaker 1: anxiety because I'm like no, no, no no, no, Like I

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Speaker 1: can't imagine like how how would there not be a

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Speaker 1: world without them? So it's like I just go like

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Speaker 1: kind of Becky's saying, like straight to just like anxiety.

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Speaker 1: I don't like that what if? Now? That what if

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Speaker 1: that I do do is like when I'm on an airplane,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, what if I die? That's

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Speaker 1: the what if game I play all the time, which

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Speaker 1: is like so bad. Like, so there we go, that's

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Speaker 1: what women do. Then the women are doing like what

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Speaker 1: if I die? Like I'm I'm always like, am I

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Speaker 1: gonna die? I'm not gonna die? Well what if I

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Speaker 1: do die? Like because I'm like, oh God, like my kids,

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Speaker 1: like you know, they're young. I hope they remember me.

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Speaker 1: Like I'm already writing letters like if I die, you know.

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Speaker 1: So it's like it's bad. So that's that's what women do.

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Speaker 1: We go a little bit more morbid, and you go like,

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Speaker 1: you know, what if I didn't meet this, you know,

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Speaker 1: Chick fil a drive through, it wouldn't hit the girl

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Speaker 1: in front of me. By the way, Michael is banned

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Speaker 1: from drive through is because not only did he scrape

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Speaker 1: his car and then McDonald's drive through and he then

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Speaker 1: just hit someone at a Chick fil a drive through.

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Speaker 1: I was like, you are a banned from eating bad food.

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Speaker 1: Even the chick Fila is good. But anyways, I don't

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Speaker 1: have a good track record with Blood Sugar. What's going on? Well,

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Speaker 1: the most recent one I blame on Jolie, but it's okay.

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Speaker 1: How do you blame our daughter. She was asking me

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Speaker 1: for something. I turned around the helper and what your

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Speaker 1: foot just goes on thing? And my foot like slipped

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Speaker 1: because I was like pushing on the break till you

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Speaker 1: reached back towards her in my foot slip and went

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Speaker 1: forward and loved tap this car in front of me. No, no,

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Speaker 1: he didn't love tap. And here's the funny thing. He's like,

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Speaker 1: this is this is a very funny story because there's

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Speaker 1: actually a comedy skit by Sebastian Maniscalco and he talks

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Speaker 1: about basically the love tap the scratch, and you know,

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Speaker 1: his wife's like, it's not it's just just a little scrape.

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Speaker 1: And he's like, I'm really curious to see what my

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Speaker 1: wife thinks is a little scrape. And he goes out

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Speaker 1: there and he's like like you know, and he's like

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Speaker 1: trying to hold back his Italian anger, and he's like

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Speaker 1: the entire he's like the entire like door has to

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Speaker 1: be replaced, Like it's not just a little like you

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Speaker 1: can't buff it out. So Mike's like saying, it's you know,

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Speaker 1: it's gonna be like maybe like a hundred dollars, like

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Speaker 1: just a little like a little scrape. You could like

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Speaker 1: use a pen to wipe it out. So I look

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Speaker 1: at his phone this morning or when he woke up

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Speaker 1: and I was like, hey, you got a text message.

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Speaker 1: It says maybe Jennifer. I was like, who's maybe Jennifer?

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Speaker 1: And he's like, oh, that's the lady that I hit.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, oh, I want to see the pictures.

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Speaker 1: And so I opened it up. I was like, Babe,

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Speaker 1: that's not a scratch. I was like, that's like her

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Speaker 1: whole back bumper was a scratch across the whole back bumper.

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Speaker 1: Oh God. Okay, anyways, we're let's take a break, but

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Speaker 1: then we have a really really really awesome guest um

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Speaker 1: two guests coming on, Nate and Kaylee Clemp. So let's

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Speaker 1: take a break and then we'll bring them on. We're

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Speaker 1: going to be wearing masks for a while. It's important

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Speaker 1: to have the right mask protect yourself and others. The

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Speaker 1: N ninety five rest brators can provide a big upgrade

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Speaker 1: to your current mask. There are fakes and counterfeit versions,

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Speaker 1: so you want to be sure you have the approved version.

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Speaker 1: Secure Components guarantees authenticity. Secure Components is a trusted source

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Speaker 1: and provided support ppe needed for frontline workers, and they

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00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,359
Speaker 1: are now available to the public. Go to secure components

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Speaker 1: dot com to order masks for you, your friends and family,

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Speaker 1: or your business Secure components dot Com. I'm super excited

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Speaker 1: to have these next two guests on our show to

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Speaker 1: husband and wife Nate and Kaylee clemp Um, and I'm

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Speaker 1: just gonna let them kind of give their elevator pitch

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Speaker 1: of themselves because they're both extremely accomplished human beings and

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Speaker 1: professionals in their world. So let's have them on. And

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Speaker 1: I will say they have a book out right now

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Speaker 1: called The Eight Marriage, a New Model for a Happier,

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Speaker 1: Stronger Relationship on Amazon. So excited to dive in on

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Speaker 1: that as well. So here they come. Hello, Hello, Thank

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Speaker 1: you guys so much for coming on Wine Down. We

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Speaker 1: really appreciate it. Obviously our podcast is very relationship focused.

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Speaker 1: So um, when I you know, started to just like

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Speaker 1: read the breakdown everything, I was like, oh my goodness, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm ordering your book right now, and be like I'm

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Speaker 1: just super excited to dive in. So yeah, So we

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Speaker 1: gave our our listeners a little bit of intro on

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Speaker 1: you guys, but you know, you guys are such accomplished

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Speaker 1: people in your own right. So I want you guys

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Speaker 1: to kind of give us the elevator pitch of yourselves

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Speaker 1: to our list and marriage because you can say it

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Speaker 1: better than any of us can. Well, my name is

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Speaker 1: Nate Clemp. I'm a founding partner at Mindful, co author

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Speaker 1: of the AD eighty marriage with Kaylee. I was a

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Speaker 1: former philosophy professor till I decided to get out of

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Speaker 1: the activity I could gave me a business and become

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Speaker 1: a writer on mindfulness and marriage. And I'm Kayley Clemp.

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Speaker 1: So co authored a eight marriage here with Nate. And

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Speaker 1: I'm also a leadership executive coach and worked with executive

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Speaker 1: teams and individuals looking at personality and all the tools

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Speaker 1: of conscious leadership. You know, it's it's so cool. Sorry, honey,

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Speaker 1: I was just gonna know. You go ahead, Oh, you

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Speaker 1: go ahead. We see we're such We're such a happy marriage.

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Speaker 1: Radical generosity is everywhere right now, right Um, I'll go ahead, honey.

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Speaker 1: And what I was gonna say when I was reading

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Speaker 1: the breakdown, you know, I love the combination of both

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Speaker 1: of you because you know, with your background Nate in

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Speaker 1: the in the mindfulness is such a big thing nowadays,

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Speaker 1: especially with mental health and just meditation, those kind of

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Speaker 1: practices really getting some momentum. And then Kayley, with everything

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Speaker 1: that you do and kind of helping you know, the

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Speaker 1: executive leadership and and the angiogram stuff that you're a

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Speaker 1: specialist in that I read about is just so fascinating

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Speaker 1: because it's like, you guys are like the perfect blend

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Speaker 1: of like what you want someone to like read a

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Speaker 1: book from, like literally, so it's exciting to talk to

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Speaker 1: you guys about that and that you have a book

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Speaker 1: around that. So because of that, are you guys, I mean,

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Speaker 1: please tell us that you guys still have arguments and

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Speaker 1: you still fight. Yeah, for sure, definitely. And uh, well

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Speaker 1: especially because this week actually today is launch day for

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Speaker 1: this book. So we have been just like in this

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Speaker 1: insane you know, you guys have a look you know

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Speaker 1: what it's like that pre launch period. And simultaneously our

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Speaker 1: daughter broke her risk. There was like a woodpecker outside

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Speaker 1: of our house trilli into our wall the middle night. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so so we've had this like perfect storm which is

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Speaker 1: led to just you know, some healthy arguments exactly all

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Speaker 1: the same, like, oh that's what happening is that really

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Speaker 1: your truth right now, because I see it different way.

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Speaker 1: How do you guys handle a conflict when you get

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Speaker 1: in those situations. So one of the things that we

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Speaker 1: wrote about in the book that we definitely advocate for

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Speaker 1: and also practice is called reveal and request, And basically

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Speaker 1: the whole idea behind it is reveal your inner experience,

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Speaker 1: this is what's going on for me, and then to

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Speaker 1: make a request of your partner. And when we're in

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Speaker 1: those conflict moments, I think it's really an opportunity just

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Speaker 1: to be known because a lot of times I'm actually

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Speaker 1: surprised that when I say something where I'm like, hey,

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Speaker 1: this is what's going on for me, and I would

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Speaker 1: love it if you did this instead, a lot of

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Speaker 1: times says surprises like oh my gosh, I have no idea,

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Speaker 1: I'm really sorry, and it's it's so fast. Why yeah,

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Speaker 1: and so's a great question. Yeah. Well, so I think

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Speaker 1: it starts with the precursor to a d which is

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Speaker 1: what we think of this fifty marriage fairness. It's this

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Speaker 1: idea that we're all really familiar, you're with that you

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Speaker 1: know the way to a perfect marriage in this modern

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Speaker 1: age where we're both equals and we want to be

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Speaker 1: in love is to just make everything perfectly fair. And

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Speaker 1: we tried this, man, did we try this for like

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Speaker 1: a good decade, just like trying to make everything fair,

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Speaker 1: trying to keep score. And it was like a total disaster.

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Speaker 1: I mean it almost ended our marriage, you know, it

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Speaker 1: was It was actually very painful. We can joke about it,

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Speaker 1: but like the fights and the conflict and the feeling

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Speaker 1: of resentment, and so, you know, when we interviewed couples

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Speaker 1: for this book, we found that this really isn't working

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Speaker 1: for anybody, and that there are a couple of reasons

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Speaker 1: for that. One. You know, when you're trying to keep

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Speaker 1: score all the time, it's the perfect setup for all

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Speaker 1: sorts of resentment. Um. But also we ran into all

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Speaker 1: this interesting research and psychology while writing this book, showing

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Speaker 1: that we consistently overestimate our own contributions to the marriage

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Speaker 1: and underestimate those of our partners. So basically, there are

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Speaker 1: all these cognitive biases at work, making it almost impossible

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Speaker 1: to decide what is or isn't fair. So so I'd

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Speaker 1: say that's really the starting point, is that we're working

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Speaker 1: against that background. So I mean from there, where we

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Speaker 1: go A d eight is basically saying if you're striving

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Speaker 1: to contribute more than your fair share. The reason that

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Speaker 1: that works better is because it gets contagious. So when

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Speaker 1: both people are really trying to do more than just half,

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Speaker 1: then you get a spirit of generosity, of contribution, of appreciation.

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Speaker 1: But it's interesting we stopped at a D eighty. We

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Speaker 1: didn't say, like, go a hundred a hundred because we

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Speaker 1: also also think it's really important for each person to

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Speaker 1: have their own purpose and some of their own things

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Speaker 1: that are specific to them. And so there's a way

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Speaker 1: that you go all out a D eight, try to

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Speaker 1: overshoe the name with your partner, but you have to

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Speaker 1: keep your own purpose. I love that because when you

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Speaker 1: guys are talking about it, I think of you know,

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Speaker 1: I feel like you know people today or maybe they

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Speaker 1: will call it a generational thing if they want to

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Speaker 1: say millennials or whatever, where people have a more of

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Speaker 1: a tendency to say, well, that's not my job. Why

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Speaker 1: am I going to do that? Right? And it's like

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Speaker 1: because I asked you to or because it needs to

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Speaker 1: get done, you know. And it's one of those things

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Speaker 1: where I think Janna and I've fallen into a healthy

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Speaker 1: version of that where it's like, yeah, we have the

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Speaker 1: things kind of like you're saying, Kayley, that we primarily

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Speaker 1: do ourselves, but then there's things that overlap. So we've

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Speaker 1: been maybe living some of the eight eighty without even knowing.

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Speaker 1: I bet you have. And it's it's interesting actually, because

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Speaker 1: I think what you're describing is when you actually get

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Speaker 1: clear on some of those roles, it frees up a

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Speaker 1: lot of energy. So when you know, hey, these are

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Speaker 1: the things that I do and these are the things

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Speaker 1: that Jannah does, it actually it relieves a lot of

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Speaker 1: tension where you don't have to fight about each and

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Speaker 1: every chore or each and everything that you go, oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: I take those. You take those, and there are a

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Speaker 1: couple where we want to have a conversation. I totally

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Speaker 1: agree with you. And for me, that's where resentment goes away,

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Speaker 1: because when when when it's just like I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I have to do this too, and I have to

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Speaker 1: do this too, and I'm like, oh what is he doing?

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Speaker 1: And it's like resentment just build so much that then

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Speaker 1: I start screaming at him about a lamp shade. There's

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Speaker 1: nothing to do about the lamp shade has everything to

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Speaker 1: do about this list of resentment that's been building. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: once we started doing the roles and be like, okay,

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Speaker 1: you know this is what the roles are, this is

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Speaker 1: what it looks like. Are we happy? Cool? And it's

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Speaker 1: been really good. I feel like we've had less conflict

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Speaker 1: because we've we've taken those on and then we're not

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Speaker 1: building resentment because I feel like resentment is so deadly,

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Speaker 1: especially for you, for both of us, because I brew

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Speaker 1: anger and I feel like resentment is pretty bad. And

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Speaker 1: with addiction as well, right, Oh for sure. I mean

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Speaker 1: that's that's a catalyst for a lot of acting out behavior,

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Speaker 1: no matter what your addiction is. And Keylee, where does

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Speaker 1: the India Graham stack up in all of this? Like,

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Speaker 1: how is that benefited y'aw's relationship because I know that's

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Speaker 1: something that's also starting to take off because I just

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Speaker 1: to it probably just a couple of years ago on

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Speaker 1: an episode of our podcast when we had someone on,

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Speaker 1: So I know there's it's it's newer out there. So

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Speaker 1: how does that help you guys in your marriage? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: So the angiogram is my favorite of all the personality

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Speaker 1: models and a sudden all of them who've got like

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Speaker 1: Myer Springs in the Disk and the Workman. Is that

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Speaker 1: your favorite? It's my favorite because it's about why, why

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Speaker 1: are you doing what you're doing? So not only do

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Speaker 1: you get really predictable behavioral studies and really really clear

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Speaker 1: understanding of what people are most likely to do, especially

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Speaker 1: when they're stressed, but it's about why. And that frees

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Speaker 1: up a lot of empathy because when somebody's doing something,

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Speaker 1: you're like, are you serious right now? That that's your strategy.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot more generosity of spirit if you know

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Speaker 1: this is what they're striving to do. So, for example,

426
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,840
Speaker 1: if somebody feels like they're being really controlling or really

427
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,240
Speaker 1: overbearing or super overly intense, but you know that they're

428
00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:00,320
Speaker 1: in aid a challenger, you can in some ways reentert

429
00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:02,919
Speaker 1: that with some empathy. We're like, Okay, they're striving to

430
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,239
Speaker 1: be strong, they're striving to make sure they have enough

431
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,359
Speaker 1: free sources. How can I bring some mature boundaries and

432
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 1: some compassion and also my own limits to the conversation,

433
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,560
Speaker 1: knowing that that's an effective way to have some respect.

434
00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:17,520
Speaker 1: So what are you guys? What are y'alls? And your

435
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,240
Speaker 1: gram number? Yes, so my home basis one. So that's

436
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:23,719
Speaker 1: the reformer. So I'm a nine, which is the peacemaker.

437
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:29,760
Speaker 1: It's the best type to be. Marriage are pretty mellow. Yeah, exactly, sorry,

438
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 1: honey on one below that, So I'm the challenger, the challenger. Yes,

439
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:42,600
Speaker 1: she's a two. It's so interesting. That's a really common

440
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,240
Speaker 1: pairing that we'll see aids paired with nine s pret

441
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,440
Speaker 1: of it and eights and twos. And you actually, I

442
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:48,680
Speaker 1: don't know how well you know the on your groom,

443
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,960
Speaker 1: but you run the line between eight and two, which

444
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,159
Speaker 1: is the service access. So what what is something to

445
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,840
Speaker 1: look out for in our marriage with being a two

446
00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,440
Speaker 1: and an eight. That's that's a great question. So one

447
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,879
Speaker 1: of the things to watch out for is that eights

448
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:07,080
Speaker 1: are typically pretty clear with their requests, um, and so

449
00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:09,600
Speaker 1: they'll kind of come at you and as a too,

450
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,919
Speaker 1: if you're not mindful, your tendency will be to give

451
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,520
Speaker 1: more to someone else than to advocate for yourself, and

452
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,680
Speaker 1: so it can start to create a spiral where you're

453
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 1: over giving over contributing, and that I think you named

454
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,960
Speaker 1: it Jane a little bit earlier. It comes to sort

455
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,760
Speaker 1: of this dark underbelly of resentment, and so watching out

456
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,720
Speaker 1: for how you kind of hook each other in that way.

457
00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:34,240
Speaker 1: I mean to a T. I mean you just you

458
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:40,159
Speaker 1: spelled it all out there. That is spun on. If

459
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:43,240
Speaker 1: I know your indiogram type, it might also be psychic. Yeah, absolutely,

460
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,760
Speaker 1: because I mean that's exactly what happens. Janna will get

461
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:49,919
Speaker 1: resentful because she'll see me taking time for myself. I

462
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:51,919
Speaker 1: have more hobbies than you can probably even list, and

463
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,080
Speaker 1: it drives your nuts, but I'll take that time. I

464
00:23:54,119 --> 00:23:56,320
Speaker 1: know how important that time is for myself to kind

465
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 1: of ground myself her. I have to force her to

466
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,920
Speaker 1: do own thing, you know, because she just won't stop,

467
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,880
Speaker 1: just constantly be doing something, whether it's for the family

468
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 1: or for work, or for this or for that. I'm like,

469
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,320
Speaker 1: just take a second, do something for you. But then

470
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,720
Speaker 1: I get resentful when he's doing something for himself because

471
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,159
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I would love to do something for

472
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:16,480
Speaker 1: myself right now, but you're choosing to do something else. Well,

473
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,600
Speaker 1: And it's so funny, right because the list of people

474
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,760
Speaker 1: who you could help seems to be endless, and so

475
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,000
Speaker 1: there's a like, I'll take time for myself just as

476
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,920
Speaker 1: soon as everybody he needs help has been helped. We'll

477
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,920
Speaker 1: shoot that list is just never ending. No, it's not.

478
00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 1: And Nate, what about you with the mindfulness, with your

479
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,800
Speaker 1: kind of history and that, how has that benefited y'all's relationship,

480
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,440
Speaker 1: you personally and for couples that are listening to this, Yeah,

481
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:40,080
Speaker 1: absolutely well. I would say, you know, one of the

482
00:24:40,119 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 1: most challenging parts of our marriage was about twelve years ago.

483
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,400
Speaker 1: I was finishing grad school. I had a serious bike accident,

484
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,480
Speaker 1: and um, I did not know how to deal with

485
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:56,160
Speaker 1: significant stress and significant challenge. So I kind of just

486
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,480
Speaker 1: collapsed under the weight of that all and I got,

487
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,320
Speaker 1: you know, very anxious and depressed. And we call those

488
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,960
Speaker 1: the dark years, and it was really it was a

489
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:09,679
Speaker 1: very intense time. And I knew that for me to

490
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 1: get back into this marriage and into my life, really

491
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,800
Speaker 1: I had to figure out how to manage my own mind,

492
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,879
Speaker 1: which you know, here I was grad student getting a

493
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:21,480
Speaker 1: PhD at Princeton. You'd think that they would teach you that,

494
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 1: but not at all, Right, Like, that was the one

495
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,280
Speaker 1: skill I had never learned. So so that sent me

496
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,479
Speaker 1: on this journey of really starting to understand, like, what

497
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:32,919
Speaker 1: are the practices and technologies we can use to essentially

498
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: train the mind? Um, and it's been you know, twelve

499
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:42,000
Speaker 1: or so years, and I've just slowly seen how I've

500
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,359
Speaker 1: been able to get back into full engagement in my

501
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 1: marriage and my life and just sort of reclaim a

502
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 1: little bit of control around my my emotions, mental states, etcetera.

503
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,240
Speaker 1: And I would say it benefits me and our marriage

504
00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:02,000
Speaker 1: in that Nate has more space. So when something happens,

505
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,480
Speaker 1: right you were asking us a little bit ago about conflict,

506
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:08,800
Speaker 1: there's this space where he's just not nearly as reactive.

507
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,159
Speaker 1: He can sort of take that deep breath, bring some

508
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: peace to it, and that helps us engage with each

509
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,399
Speaker 1: other so much more thoughtfully. How does he do that?

510
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear it, I am. I will

511
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:27,520
Speaker 1: say because of my practice, right, it was the mindfulness

512
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,440
Speaker 1: because that that definitely helps because um, he's um really

513
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:37,760
Speaker 1: he was was. I still have tendencies, yes, but to

514
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:43,119
Speaker 1: have that like really initial outward reaction and it's like me,

515
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,760
Speaker 1: I'm like, whoa like please have a conversation, like I

516
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 1: just want to talk about this. Um. Yeah. So I

517
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,960
Speaker 1: can definitely vouch for that that I've had the same

518
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,840
Speaker 1: experience Nate. We're just taken, you know, which I've gotten

519
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 1: away from the last probably month. But taking that time

520
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,480
Speaker 1: in the morning and doing some meditation as I'm reading

521
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,359
Speaker 1: has allowed me to have that space that you're talking about, Kaylee,

522
00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:05,240
Speaker 1: to not react immediately and just be like, Okay, wait

523
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:07,359
Speaker 1: a second, let me process this just for a second.

524
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:10,000
Speaker 1: It's amazing how just that one second can change the

525
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,680
Speaker 1: whole narrative of that conflict. How long again? How many

526
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 1: years have you guys been married? For? Twelve days ago,

527
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 1: days ago? That's awesome, was there? I mean, obviously there

528
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 1: were some dark times in your marriage, but what's one

529
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,960
Speaker 1: thing that you've like, you still even after fifteen years,

530
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,800
Speaker 1: you have to be mindful of to, you know, to

531
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:36,960
Speaker 1: kind of look in the mirror and be like, I

532
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 1: still have to work on this piece about this piece

533
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:43,639
Speaker 1: of me. Yeah, it's such a great question for me.

534
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,919
Speaker 1: It's actually kind of central to the topic of the book,

535
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:51,480
Speaker 1: which is my mindset of fairness. That I really easily

536
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,360
Speaker 1: fall into a thought process of I'm doing more, I'm

537
00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:58,399
Speaker 1: trying harder, that's not fair, and so I have to

538
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:02,639
Speaker 1: just consistently we're mind myself, I'm not seeing everything that

539
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,080
Speaker 1: he's doing, right, Like I'm intimately familiar with every dishwashed

540
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,359
Speaker 1: and every trash can emptyed. But to remind myself, like,

541
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,080
Speaker 1: how long did it take to practice those spelling words

542
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,760
Speaker 1: with our daughter? And as I do that and really

543
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:20,119
Speaker 1: intentionally shift to more of a framework of generosity and appreciation,

544
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,040
Speaker 1: it helps me kind of curb that tendency. But I

545
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,840
Speaker 1: watch it, it's a yeah, it's like a score keeping.

546
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,320
Speaker 1: He says that to me a lot, like I'm keeping score,

547
00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, no, it's in my mind. I'm like, no,

548
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:33,000
Speaker 1: it's not about keeping score. But hearing that, I'm like, oh,

549
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,680
Speaker 1: that's that's kind of like keeping score. Yeah, it's kind

550
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,639
Speaker 1: of like keeping score. And it's funny. In my tally,

551
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:44,120
Speaker 1: I always seem to be ahead. I would actually just

552
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 1: add to that, there's the score keeping piece, but there

553
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:51,600
Speaker 1: for me, there's also something about like shifting from my

554
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 1: mindset being about me and my success being about us

555
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,360
Speaker 1: and what's best for us together. You know, I think

556
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 1: we met in high school. We were sort of like

557
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:06,479
Speaker 1: type A, you know, really good students. We went out

558
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 1: in the world trying to make our mark as individuals,

559
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:13,920
Speaker 1: and that mindset of kind of individual exceptionalism has been

560
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 1: very hard to unlearn, you know, it's still there, Like

561
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:20,200
Speaker 1: I we still fall into it. You know, this is

562
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:22,000
Speaker 1: my thing and I need to I need to be

563
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,360
Speaker 1: amazing at it, and I need time to do it.

564
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:26,520
Speaker 1: And so a big shift for us has been just

565
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:30,640
Speaker 1: trying to go back to what's best for us, like

566
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:34,440
Speaker 1: as a couple, and and how are my contributions part

567
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,640
Speaker 1: of this thing that's really great for us, not just

568
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:40,880
Speaker 1: what's best for me. You know that's so fascinating because

569
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:43,720
Speaker 1: I feel like that's such a simple concept, right, but

570
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:47,280
Speaker 1: so difficult for every relationship to kind of grasp hold

571
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,760
Speaker 1: of until you're For a lot of people it's too late, right,

572
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,800
Speaker 1: and they just decide, hey, this is gonna work out,

573
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:54,400
Speaker 1: and they think it's gonna be different with somebody else,

574
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:56,800
Speaker 1: and it's not because I know for us, I mean again,

575
00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:00,280
Speaker 1: I mean Nate, I'm mirror that experience where my former

576
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:02,040
Speaker 1: career was all about me and it's all about what

577
00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 1: I had to do and perform on the field and

578
00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:06,080
Speaker 1: take care of me. And then I meet Janna and

579
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: then I retire and it becomes all about her, and

580
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 1: then it's like, how do I have that mindset to

581
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:12,880
Speaker 1: go from me me, me, me me and my own

582
00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:17,280
Speaker 1: success too, you know, supportive or we now and and

583
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 1: make it about the greater good and make it about

584
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: each other. But when you're not used to doing that,

585
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,280
Speaker 1: which I feel like no matter your profession, as we're

586
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 1: young adults, you're just focused on your career, right being,

587
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:31,080
Speaker 1: being successful in achieving your goals. So I mean, if

588
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:32,479
Speaker 1: that's something that you can get they can get out

589
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,120
Speaker 1: of the marriage book, then that's I mean, that's no

590
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 1: brainer to read that. Yeah, did you guys struggle writing

591
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:44,240
Speaker 1: the book together? How would you answer that? I would

592
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,680
Speaker 1: say I would say that roles in the book writing

593
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:50,720
Speaker 1: process were pretty clear and so that made it easier.

594
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:54,160
Speaker 1: But I will say the end of the book was crazy.

595
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:58,840
Speaker 1: So we turned in sort of our final draft and

596
00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:01,600
Speaker 1: then we got back our visions, which I think it's

597
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:05,719
Speaker 1: fair to say we're substantial from the editor. Right at

598
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 1: the end of March as it was you know, crazy quarantine.

599
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:11,920
Speaker 1: You know, our daughter was down home from school. This

600
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:13,760
Speaker 1: is when we were still trying to like sanitize the

601
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:20,320
Speaker 1: outside of the salad box, and that part was extremely stressful.

602
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:22,960
Speaker 1: So I think sort of the struggle as you added

603
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: extra responsibilities. It wasn't it certainly wasn't a walk in

604
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 1: the park, but it was helpful to at least have

605
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:31,480
Speaker 1: a sense of what we were reaching that we had

606
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:35,280
Speaker 1: such clear roles that it almost mitigated most of the

607
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:37,760
Speaker 1: conflict we would have had, which is actually, in some

608
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:41,600
Speaker 1: ways a gift that came from having written co authored

609
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:44,480
Speaker 1: books before, because if we learned some of those lessons

610
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:46,600
Speaker 1: along the way to make sure that we were really clear.

611
00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:49,400
Speaker 1: What do you do when you guys are in conflict

612
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,920
Speaker 1: and you have to have these interviews and it's like

613
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,320
Speaker 1: right now I don't like you and we're fighting or

614
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 1: in how like sometimes I'm like, are we frauds? Because

615
00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:00,360
Speaker 1: look at we're we're a mess and we're fighting. But

616
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:02,480
Speaker 1: yet in our book we preach about this and we're

617
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:04,720
Speaker 1: not even doing it like we have like we don't

618
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:06,800
Speaker 1: We're not doing it right now, you know, in this moment,

619
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,160
Speaker 1: And it's like, do you guys ever have that where

620
00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:11,560
Speaker 1: you're just in such conflict that you you're just like,

621
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 1: this is this is hard? And why aren't we listening

622
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:18,040
Speaker 1: to what we've written on the pages? Yeah? Absolutely, I

623
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:22,320
Speaker 1: mean I think that for us, this whole thing feels

624
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:26,239
Speaker 1: like a process of you have a certain ideal. In

625
00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:28,800
Speaker 1: our case, it's this E eight marriage ideal that we're

626
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,080
Speaker 1: trying to strive for and we're constantly falling short of it.

627
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:35,360
Speaker 1: And really the key is like, can we quickly become

628
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 1: aware of the fact that we're getting caught and then

629
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:43,560
Speaker 1: shift And so, like just three hours ago, we had

630
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 1: a conflict. It was about you know, all these like

631
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:49,880
Speaker 1: COVID safety protocols. You know, Kaylee had a friend over

632
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 1: helping her with some makeup stuff. We have a launch

633
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:56,720
Speaker 1: party tonight, and I was like, you know, that wasn't

634
00:32:56,760 --> 00:33:00,320
Speaker 1: our agreement about some of these safety protocols. And I

635
00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:02,280
Speaker 1: was kind of piste off because I was like, you know,

636
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:05,040
Speaker 1: you said you couldn't do this, that and the other thing,

637
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:06,960
Speaker 1: but you're doing this thing with your friends, but can

638
00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:08,680
Speaker 1: you really put on makeup without, you know, with a

639
00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,240
Speaker 1: mask on? I mean so so yeah, So like here

640
00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:14,160
Speaker 1: we are, We're about to launch a book on marriage

641
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,760
Speaker 1: in like five hours and we're having this conflict. But

642
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:21,640
Speaker 1: but we did. I would say, like about an hour later,

643
00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:24,480
Speaker 1: we were driving and and I was like, hey, let's

644
00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,720
Speaker 1: let's go back. Can we get clear on that? You know,

645
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:30,960
Speaker 1: we kind of we kind of revealed our experience, but

646
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:34,480
Speaker 1: it did feel like we got back totally. I think

647
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,520
Speaker 1: that's what you're both saying though, that there's an aspiration,

648
00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 1: but we're all human. And I think that's so important

649
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,480
Speaker 1: because gosh, if people read the book and they're like,

650
00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:45,840
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, they're perfect and they never have any

651
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,800
Speaker 1: conflict or any fight, that's not true. But I think

652
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 1: it does give a framework where when we're off, there's

653
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:55,680
Speaker 1: at least a path back. It's not necessarily instant, but

654
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,760
Speaker 1: there's a path back. I think it's cool too, because

655
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:01,720
Speaker 1: you know, I'm rooting for you guys. There's so many

656
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:04,360
Speaker 1: books about marriage out there, and but it's like, even

657
00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 1: though with some of the concepts you guys have shared

658
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:10,359
Speaker 1: that you're talking about in the eighty eight Marriage Book

659
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:12,880
Speaker 1: and then what we've talked about, they're similar in ideals,

660
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,800
Speaker 1: but they're said so differently, but with the same concept

661
00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:17,839
Speaker 1: that it's gonna it's gonna hit people a different way,

662
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 1: you know, depending on how people receive information. So I'm

663
00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: personally rooting for you guys. It's awesome. I love the

664
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:24,719
Speaker 1: concept of what you guys are doing. Ordering it on

665
00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 1: Amazon right now, the eight Marriage and also so we

666
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:32,400
Speaker 1: a way to connect. Um, we read a marriage book together. Um,

667
00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:35,879
Speaker 1: so this is going to be one next one so

668
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:38,680
Speaker 1: oh I'm still excited. And then after we read it,

669
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,080
Speaker 1: can we get we have you guys back on the

670
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:45,319
Speaker 1: show to talk to you. We'll definitely do that once

671
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,880
Speaker 1: we get finished here, uh soon because I'd be a

672
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,280
Speaker 1: lot of fun to really dive into the deep stuff

673
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 1: on And what we do is we take notes on

674
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:54,880
Speaker 1: the stuff that we're reading and what comes up for us.

675
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,120
Speaker 1: So we love to process the things that come up

676
00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:59,439
Speaker 1: for us when we're reading your book, and that would

677
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,120
Speaker 1: be a lot of fun to dive in about that.

678
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:03,640
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, so exciting. Do you guys have an

679
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,560
Speaker 1: UM website so that our listeners can find you guys

680
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,000
Speaker 1: at two but also go to Amazon and get the

681
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:12,799
Speaker 1: eight marriage. Yeah, we're at a eight marriage dot com

682
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:17,600
Speaker 1: and marriage on Facebook and Instagram, so pretty easy. Yeah. Awesome.

683
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 1: Well you guys, thank you so much. UM have a

684
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,879
Speaker 1: great launch. So excited for you guys and can't wait

685
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:26,080
Speaker 1: to see on the on the list. Thank you so much,

686
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:30,279
Speaker 1: anytime anytime to talk with you about the book when

687
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:34,879
Speaker 1: you're done. Absolutely all right, Thank you guys, guys. Hey

688
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:38,560
Speaker 1: a great job. Hey, thank you. As the recording. Stop.

689
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:43,399
Speaker 1: Great job. You guys did great, awesome, I know, Oh

690
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:46,000
Speaker 1: my gosh, this is so exciting for real. I'm so

691
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:47,920
Speaker 1: so looking forward to talking with you about it when

692
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:51,080
Speaker 1: you like take your nuge, like, so what about this part? Yeah,

693
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:55,200
Speaker 1: I love you. How how like informal and fun it is?

694
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:57,360
Speaker 1: You know we've been we were on Good Morning America

695
00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:02,280
Speaker 1: three yesterday and it was like, this is really fun,

696
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:07,280
Speaker 1: how great? Thank you, thank you so much. We understand.

697
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:09,800
Speaker 1: We empathize with how this book tour is so and

698
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,680
Speaker 1: take deep breaths and just have fun. And I get it. Michael,

699
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:15,040
Speaker 1: He's like, he'll be like, wait, so I couldn't go

700
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:16,600
Speaker 1: do this, but you can go hang out with your

701
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:18,520
Speaker 1: friend over here. And I'm like, well, you know, like

702
00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:27,720
Speaker 1: it's a necessity. Here they are and you look beautiful.

703
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,920
Speaker 1: So they did a great job. All right, guys, have

704
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:37,279
Speaker 1: a good one. Congrat YouTube. I love them. Oh they

705
00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:43,480
Speaker 1: were awesome people fifteen years. Yeah. It's just it's so

706
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 1: inspiring because especially when you hear that they had a

707
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,359
Speaker 1: few bad years and you know, they had some darker years.

708
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:54,359
Speaker 1: It's just it's just true. There's no perfect I don't

709
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:56,720
Speaker 1: believe there's a perfect marriage, and I think that's okay.

710
00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,040
Speaker 1: I think that's just as long as people can grow

711
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:04,200
Speaker 1: together and do the work. That's what makes a lasting

712
00:37:04,239 --> 00:37:07,440
Speaker 1: marriage is doing the work. Yeah, And it's just you know,

713
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:10,840
Speaker 1: we've been fortunate to share our journey. These people, Kaylie

714
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:14,279
Speaker 1: and Nader are fortunate to share their journey and use

715
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,359
Speaker 1: their platforms. So it's just awesome that there are other

716
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,440
Speaker 1: people out there willing because again, they're gonna have they

717
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 1: might have a different audience that here their things better

718
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:24,400
Speaker 1: than they heard our book or something. So it's just

719
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 1: the more people that do this, I really root for

720
00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:29,440
Speaker 1: everyone in that genre because I want people to be

721
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:32,399
Speaker 1: educated about these relationships and be willing to make them work,

722
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:36,640
Speaker 1: you know. All Right, well, let's take a break and

723
00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:39,799
Speaker 1: then I'm sure marky Mark has got some emails for us.

724
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:55,080
Speaker 1: Let's do it. Okay, Hey Mark, do we have any emails?

725
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:58,120
Speaker 1: We have a couple of good ones. Actually, this is

726
00:37:58,239 --> 00:38:01,960
Speaker 1: from Alex. She says, I'm from South Jersey and my

727
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,480
Speaker 1: husband's from Long Island, New York. That's where we're currently living.

728
00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:06,720
Speaker 1: We're moving back to New Jersey in a few weeks

729
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,920
Speaker 1: because I just need to be near my family and

730
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:11,399
Speaker 1: I've really struggled with that, especially since my dad got

731
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 1: diagnosed with brain cancer three years ago. I struggle with

732
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:18,400
Speaker 1: anxiety and depression, and being in New York has been hard.

733
00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:20,840
Speaker 1: I have a tremendous amount of guilt that my husband

734
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:22,879
Speaker 1: has to leave everything. But I know this will make

735
00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 1: me happier and honestly both of us as a couple.

736
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:27,320
Speaker 1: But I also fear it's going to be a strain

737
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:30,320
Speaker 1: for us. Do you guys struggle being away from family?

738
00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:32,840
Speaker 1: Can you give me advice for not feeling so guilty?

739
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:36,080
Speaker 1: Am I being selfish? I'm so afraid of my husband

740
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:42,560
Speaker 1: being miserable and resenting me. First of all, I'm sorry

741
00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:50,360
Speaker 1: that's awful that your dad is going through that. Um.

742
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 1: I don't think you're being selfish at all. I mean,

743
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:56,799
Speaker 1: if you're able to move right, that's and I mean

744
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:01,640
Speaker 1: the husband doesn't didn't say he's upset, is he? No?

745
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:05,719
Speaker 1: I don't say anything. I think here, Alexa, you just

746
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:11,080
Speaker 1: have to trust the fact that if your husband had

747
00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:13,560
Speaker 1: an issue or had feelings around it, he would tell you.

748
00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 1: And that's his responsibility to tell you because if you

749
00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:22,600
Speaker 1: ask him if he's willing to do this, and he was,

750
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:26,000
Speaker 1: and he said, I understand, and let's do it. You

751
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,959
Speaker 1: have to take him for his take him for his word,

752
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,640
Speaker 1: and if he tries to hold that against you, that

753
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:34,799
Speaker 1: is his work. That is all on him, and that

754
00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:40,920
Speaker 1: would be extremely unfair to do in the relationship. Yeah,

755
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:45,160
Speaker 1: of him. Um, I also think too, what could be

756
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,560
Speaker 1: nice and may be helpful for helpful for your husband too,

757
00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:50,520
Speaker 1: as if you said, you know, just check in with

758
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:53,759
Speaker 1: him like hey, and and not thank him, but be

759
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:57,920
Speaker 1: like I appreciate you for doing this and you know

760
00:39:58,120 --> 00:39:59,920
Speaker 1: coming here and you know how much this means to me.

761
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:03,279
Speaker 1: So I think when the person that is willing to

762
00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:09,239
Speaker 1: make this move with you, just if they feel appreciated

763
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:11,919
Speaker 1: to know that, I think that would go a long way, right.

764
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:13,960
Speaker 1: I Mean it's like if you know, you coming here

765
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:17,439
Speaker 1: to while I'm working and filming, and if I didn't

766
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:20,640
Speaker 1: appreciate you'd be like why am I like what? You know?

767
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:22,799
Speaker 1: For sure, but just to be like, hey, I really

768
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:24,680
Speaker 1: appreciate you coming here and being with the kids and

769
00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:27,560
Speaker 1: being with us, and like thank you, it really means

770
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:29,640
Speaker 1: a lot to me. Yeah. I mean everyone likes to

771
00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:32,360
Speaker 1: be validated, especially when they're making sacrifices. But that's what

772
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,520
Speaker 1: especially in marriage is all about, right, you make sacrifices

773
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:38,600
Speaker 1: for one another for the greater good and just support

774
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:40,279
Speaker 1: each other and so that you love each other. And

775
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:42,600
Speaker 1: you know, even so you're going from Long Island and

776
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:44,880
Speaker 1: New Jersey, you're not going that well your South Jersey.

777
00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:46,560
Speaker 1: So yeah, that is a little further, but you know

778
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:50,120
Speaker 1: it's not across the country, um, you know. And in

779
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:54,880
Speaker 1: terms of do we struggle being away from family, UM,

780
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:58,960
Speaker 1: I don't think we do. I know I don't personally. Um.

781
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:03,600
Speaker 1: But having said that, it's now with kids and like

782
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:08,399
Speaker 1: my sister having kids, that's the part I struggle with

783
00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:11,920
Speaker 1: because I would love, you know, and then with our

784
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:15,360
Speaker 1: niece and nephew you know my um Jianna's brother or

785
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:18,000
Speaker 1: niece and nephew on that side, that's the stuff I

786
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,640
Speaker 1: wish we were all closer with is to be around

787
00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:22,920
Speaker 1: the kids more, be around the nieces and nephews, have

788
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:26,600
Speaker 1: our kids be around the grandparents. So that's the biggest

789
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:29,839
Speaker 1: thing for me. Yeah, And I think wherever you are

790
00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:33,200
Speaker 1: to you you you make family like your friends become

791
00:41:33,239 --> 00:41:36,120
Speaker 1: family and in a sense too, And if I could,

792
00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:38,960
Speaker 1: I don't think I would want to. I love my

793
00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:41,400
Speaker 1: family don't get me wrong, but I thought I'd like

794
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:43,680
Speaker 1: to be able to just visit them as well. Yeah,

795
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:45,480
Speaker 1: you and I are both that way where our friends

796
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:50,880
Speaker 1: have always been like family does so. Good question, and

797
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:54,000
Speaker 1: this is from Lisa Jianna. I'm currently five months pregnant

798
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:56,440
Speaker 1: and see myself as a workaholic and definitely put my

799
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:59,680
Speaker 1: job above other things, even my relationships. Sometimes. How do

800
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:01,759
Speaker 1: you if I of the balance between family and work

801
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:03,440
Speaker 1: And does Mike ever have to tell you to slow

802
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:09,200
Speaker 1: down or try to put less on your plate? Yes, Lisa,

803
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:15,240
Speaker 1: I do. Somehow she's able to balance family and everything

804
00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:22,000
Speaker 1: that she does. Um. And also I'm I'm able to

805
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:25,320
Speaker 1: understand that if she has to be on her phone

806
00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:29,759
Speaker 1: a little bit more around times, you know, she's good

807
00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:31,279
Speaker 1: at like you know, no, we don't do any phones

808
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,400
Speaker 1: at dinner. We don't, you know, when the kids are

809
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:35,239
Speaker 1: trying to get our attention, we're going to call each other.

810
00:42:35,239 --> 00:42:38,960
Speaker 1: I'll be like, hey, so it's calling your name. And

811
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,160
Speaker 1: early on I had an issue with Janna having to

812
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:45,360
Speaker 1: be on her phone so much, but then I understood,

813
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:49,440
Speaker 1: you know, that's what's keeping a roof of our head primarily,

814
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:52,880
Speaker 1: you know, so I have grace with that, but I

815
00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:54,680
Speaker 1: do try to tell her to slow down, because you're

816
00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:56,680
Speaker 1: not going to solve all the world's problems in one day.

817
00:42:57,440 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 1: I have to force her to take time for herself,

818
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:05,319
Speaker 1: literally have to force her. And well, I still I'm

819
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:07,680
Speaker 1: trying to get through that thick skull of hers. Is

820
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:11,799
Speaker 1: that by her taking time for herself, taking a night

821
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,080
Speaker 1: to hang out with friends, taking a day, taking whatever,

822
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:18,719
Speaker 1: it's not just helping her. It's helping everybody. It's helping me,

823
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:21,920
Speaker 1: it's helping her, it's helping the kids, it helps the

824
00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:25,080
Speaker 1: whole crew. If you just take the time every now

825
00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:32,239
Speaker 1: and then. Yeah, it's just hard. But I will say

826
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:35,480
Speaker 1: I make sure from something for me. Well, I'll say

827
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,640
Speaker 1: this too. It's I think it's hard for me to

828
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:42,399
Speaker 1: to balance because my time for myself is working out,

829
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:45,160
Speaker 1: and so I would feel guilty if I'd have to

830
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,640
Speaker 1: ask ask for additional time. So that's something that I'm

831
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,839
Speaker 1: constantly working at because usually we're like, hey, you take

832
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:52,440
Speaker 1: an hour, I take an hour to do and that

833
00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:54,879
Speaker 1: hour is usually I work out, And yeah, I would

834
00:43:54,880 --> 00:43:56,560
Speaker 1: love to be able to just relax and take a

835
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,160
Speaker 1: bath or do this or you know, so you know,

836
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:01,080
Speaker 1: it's one of those things I'm working on. I'm working

837
00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:03,160
Speaker 1: on it, but again asking for what I need, ask

838
00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:05,440
Speaker 1: for what you need, Lisa, because you're not going to

839
00:44:05,520 --> 00:44:07,400
Speaker 1: be able to do it all by yourself and have

840
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:10,319
Speaker 1: your partner help you. All right, Well, that was a

841
00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:14,160
Speaker 1: great show, um, and we will see you guys next week.

842
00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 1: All right, later