1
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,760
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we

2
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:12,119
Speaker 1: discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the

3
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,120
Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible

4
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:19,520
Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,

5
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:24,680
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information

6
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:28,920
Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls

7
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,800
Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to

8
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,159
Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to

9
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,400
Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental

10
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:47,559
Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, welcome to session sixteen of the

11
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,680
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls podcast. I want to thank all

12
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,840
Speaker 1: of you who already joined our private Facebook community, the

13
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,240
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls Thrive tribe. I've definitely been enjoying

14
00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,480
Speaker 1: the conversations with you all. If you're interested and joining

15
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,560
Speaker 1: that community, head on over to Therapy for Black Girls

16
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:07,720
Speaker 1: dot com backslash tribe. So I feel like I would

17
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,039
Speaker 1: be remiss if I did not share at least a

18
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,280
Speaker 1: few of my musings about four or forty four UM,

19
00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:16,320
Speaker 1: the recent jay Z album that came out. UM. So,

20
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:20,479
Speaker 1: I've been thinking a lot about how um Lemonade really

21
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:25,240
Speaker 1: opened up the conversation for so many sisters about UM,

22
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:30,560
Speaker 1: difficult relationships both with partners, with fathers, UM, and just

23
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,920
Speaker 1: kind of Black womanhood in general. And it feels like

24
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,760
Speaker 1: it really took us on a journey around UM like

25
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:43,440
Speaker 1: self discovery and difficult relationships and do I stay in

26
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:47,319
Speaker 1: this relationship and then came to a resolution And then

27
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,400
Speaker 1: it feels like with four or forty four, jay Z

28
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,000
Speaker 1: just kind of reopened their wound and kind of ripped

29
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,880
Speaker 1: the band aid off UM. So I definitely have seen

30
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,960
Speaker 1: a lot of sisters talking with a lot of pain

31
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:04,480
Speaker 1: online around relationships they've had, and you know, some of

32
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:08,400
Speaker 1: the lyrics in that song in particular really feeling like

33
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:13,000
Speaker 1: UM like a needle almost being stabbed in the eye,

34
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,680
Speaker 1: because it really, I think opened up some more difficult

35
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,360
Speaker 1: conversations and really has forced us to sit with some

36
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:23,639
Speaker 1: things that we may be thought were done or resolved,

37
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:26,200
Speaker 1: and has helped us to realize that it really has

38
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:31,000
Speaker 1: not been resolved. So I think UM for a lot

39
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:36,680
Speaker 1: of people we have overidentified with not only Beyonce but

40
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,840
Speaker 1: a lot of celebrities in general, but particularly in this situation,

41
00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:44,000
Speaker 1: just because it's the most recent example, UM have really

42
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,239
Speaker 1: overidentified with Beyonce and thinking, oh, well, if this could

43
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,920
Speaker 1: happen to her, then what chance do I stand in

44
00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:54,560
Speaker 1: a relationship? Right like if if somebody cheats on the

45
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,840
Speaker 1: most beautiful and most powerful, most amazing woman in the world,

46
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:01,880
Speaker 1: and do can I ever have a healthier successful relationship?

47
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,840
Speaker 1: And I really want to us stop and interrogate that

48
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:10,240
Speaker 1: line of thinking, because it really places a lot of

49
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:15,800
Speaker 1: the fault on a relationship ending with yourself, which is

50
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:21,480
Speaker 1: not the case. Right, So, no amount of beauty or

51
00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:27,720
Speaker 1: no amount of fabulous dishes or um dropping it down

52
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,080
Speaker 1: like it's hot is going to keep somebody in a

53
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,120
Speaker 1: relationship if they do not want to be there. And

54
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,560
Speaker 1: so I really want us to kind of get out

55
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,960
Speaker 1: of the frame of mind of thinking that there is

56
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,080
Speaker 1: something that we can do or we can enhance our

57
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,640
Speaker 1: fabulousness in some way that will keep somebody in a

58
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,440
Speaker 1: relationship if they don't want to be there. That is

59
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,200
Speaker 1: not at all the case. And I feel like we

60
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,000
Speaker 1: set ourselves up for frustration and a lot of times

61
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,240
Speaker 1: when thinking that we are not enough simply for who

62
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,320
Speaker 1: we are, that we need to be superhuman or be

63
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,120
Speaker 1: some other thing than just ourselves to be loved and

64
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,480
Speaker 1: that's not true. So I really hope that you can,

65
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,560
Speaker 1: if you take nothing else from kind of all the

66
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,720
Speaker 1: conversations around four forty four, I hope that you can

67
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,640
Speaker 1: hold onto that. So today I really wanted to talk

68
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:19,560
Speaker 1: with you all about UM the top three reasons why

69
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,800
Speaker 1: you are having difficulty letting go of your ex. So,

70
00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:26,440
Speaker 1: since we are already having so much relationship conversation, I

71
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,279
Speaker 1: didn't want to talk a little bit about breakups and

72
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,080
Speaker 1: why it may be difficult for you to let go

73
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,400
Speaker 1: of your ex. So the number one reason I think

74
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,359
Speaker 1: that sometimes we have difficulty letting go over next is

75
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,920
Speaker 1: that we are holding out for closure, and that includes

76
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,000
Speaker 1: UM feeling like you have to have a why for

77
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,480
Speaker 1: why the relationship ended. So a lot of times when

78
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,240
Speaker 1: we think about closure, we're thinking that there can be

79
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:55,400
Speaker 1: some magical conversation or some great meeting that we can

80
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,480
Speaker 1: have with our ex that is going to kind of

81
00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:02,360
Speaker 1: finally wrap all of these royal window feelings that we have, UM,

82
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,760
Speaker 1: wrap all of that up in a nice, neat little

83
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,240
Speaker 1: bow and make it so that we can move on.

84
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,479
Speaker 1: And that may happen on lifetime, but that typically does

85
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,560
Speaker 1: not happen in real life right, That is not typically

86
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,760
Speaker 1: what happens with closure. And I think a lot of

87
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,480
Speaker 1: times we are looking for something from our ex that

88
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,400
Speaker 1: will allow us to move on that our X could

89
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,279
Speaker 1: never give us. Um. So you're never going to be

90
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,840
Speaker 1: able to heal what is broken by the person who

91
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:33,440
Speaker 1: broke it. That has to come from you. So holding

92
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,280
Speaker 1: on to these ideas that there's something that the X

93
00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:40,279
Speaker 1: can do or they can offer some magical apology, um

94
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:45,560
Speaker 1: is really setting yourself up for failure. And again, you know,

95
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,839
Speaker 1: when we kind of get into this thinking of what

96
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,919
Speaker 1: why did it happen? You know, why did he or

97
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,120
Speaker 1: she leave me? What did I do? I think that

98
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:57,200
Speaker 1: that can be really dangerous thinking because none of that

99
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,080
Speaker 1: really matters. Um. So there's never a why or any

100
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,240
Speaker 1: reason that an ex is going to be able to

101
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,880
Speaker 1: give you that's really going to be able to kind

102
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,000
Speaker 1: of really settle the hurt that is caused by a

103
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,520
Speaker 1: relationship ending, even if it wasn't you know, the relationship

104
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,520
Speaker 1: that you knew you should have been in regardless of

105
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,719
Speaker 1: any of that, When a relationship ends, it is typically

106
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,240
Speaker 1: really painful, and so I think a lot of times

107
00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:24,920
Speaker 1: we try to avoid sitting with that hurt by trying

108
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:29,160
Speaker 1: to get this closure conversation, and really you just need

109
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,640
Speaker 1: to unfortunately sit with that hurt. So the number one

110
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,000
Speaker 1: reason why I think you're may may be having trouble

111
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,960
Speaker 1: letting go of your ex is that you're still holding

112
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:41,160
Speaker 1: out for closure. The second reason where why it may

113
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,239
Speaker 1: be difficult for you to let go of your ex

114
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,800
Speaker 1: is that you are still stalking them on social media.

115
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:50,159
Speaker 1: So I know that, UM, Instagram and Facebook and Twitter

116
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:53,040
Speaker 1: make it incredibly easy for you to kind of keep

117
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,320
Speaker 1: up with people without them even necessarily knowing that you

118
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,680
Speaker 1: are UM. But I really want to caution you against this,

119
00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,640
Speaker 1: and I know it's difficult, especially UM in the first

120
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:06,520
Speaker 1: couple of days or first months after a breakup. You

121
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,240
Speaker 1: want to know what's going on. But there are a

122
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,360
Speaker 1: couple of reasons why continuing to stalk your X on

123
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,040
Speaker 1: social media makes it more difficult for you to move

124
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,120
Speaker 1: on UM. So. The first is that if you are

125
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,960
Speaker 1: still putting so much energy into keeping up with this

126
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:24,480
Speaker 1: other person's life, then that is leaving very little energy

127
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:28,200
Speaker 1: for you to actually be keeping up with your own life. UM. So,

128
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,080
Speaker 1: the more that you're kind of paying attention to where

129
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:34,440
Speaker 1: they are and who they're with, then you're not actually

130
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,600
Speaker 1: being a full participant in your own life. Um and

131
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,600
Speaker 1: especially in the first days after a breakup, it may

132
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,120
Speaker 1: be really difficult to kind of care for yourself and

133
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,880
Speaker 1: do the things that you know would help you to

134
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,360
Speaker 1: feel better. But definitely paying attention to what that other

135
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,480
Speaker 1: person is doing is not going to help. So definitely

136
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,600
Speaker 1: trying to avoid that as much as you can, even

137
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,040
Speaker 1: though I know it's really difficult. One of the other

138
00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:01,520
Speaker 1: reasons why continuing to stalk your on social media is

139
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:06,280
Speaker 1: problematic is because eventually they are going to post something

140
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,840
Speaker 1: that will make you incredibly anxious. So there will be

141
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,000
Speaker 1: some picture with this other person and you're gonna start wondering,

142
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,760
Speaker 1: is that the new person? Is this the person that

143
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,120
Speaker 1: has replaced me? And of course nobody can ever replace you,

144
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,440
Speaker 1: But you may not even know the full context around

145
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:26,080
Speaker 1: this situation, around whatever this picture is, but it will

146
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:30,600
Speaker 1: make you incredibly anxious. So we call that anticipatory anxiety.

147
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:36,040
Speaker 1: So this anticipatory in anticipation of this new person popping

148
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:40,840
Speaker 1: up on the person's timeline, you become anxious. So you know,

149
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,280
Speaker 1: you may notice that even as you go to tap

150
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,680
Speaker 1: the icon on your phone you UM feel an increased

151
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,800
Speaker 1: heart rate or UM your mind starts to feel a

152
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:55,040
Speaker 1: little foggy. Those are anxiety symptoms that you're having that

153
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,160
Speaker 1: are trying to race yourself for the impact of what

154
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,000
Speaker 1: you might see. So you can imagine that kind of

155
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,640
Speaker 1: continuing to have that convert. Continuing to have that type

156
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:08,280
Speaker 1: of feeling over and over is very unpleasant, and so

157
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,600
Speaker 1: you don't want to keep throwing yourself into that WorldWind

158
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,360
Speaker 1: of emotions if you don't have to. So that's why

159
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:18,240
Speaker 1: it is best if you can to um to after

160
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:20,920
Speaker 1: a breakup, even though it's difficult, like I said, to

161
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:25,640
Speaker 1: stop following this person UM, to unfriend them, and do

162
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,200
Speaker 1: all of those things so that you can't as easily

163
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:32,840
Speaker 1: continue to follow um what's happening with them on social media.

164
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,480
Speaker 1: The third reason why it may be difficult for you

165
00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:39,600
Speaker 1: to let go of your ex is that you are

166
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,560
Speaker 1: holding on to their representation. So a lot of times

167
00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:46,640
Speaker 1: what I see typically in working with women is that

168
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:50,640
Speaker 1: a breakup, though it's difficult UM and like I said,

169
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:54,920
Speaker 1: typically really painful, no matter what the circumstances are, a

170
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,720
Speaker 1: lot of women are holding onto the representation of what

171
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:02,720
Speaker 1: this person meant. So you and this person looks really

172
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,040
Speaker 1: good on papers. You both graduated and got your NBA s,

173
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:09,280
Speaker 1: and um on paper, you look like this ideal couple

174
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:13,520
Speaker 1: that will look great on all the black wedding blogs, right, UM,

175
00:10:13,559 --> 00:10:16,440
Speaker 1: So you're holding onto these ideas of what this person

176
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:20,160
Speaker 1: represents for you as opposed to the reality of this person.

177
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:24,360
Speaker 1: So you know, sometimes we throw ourselves into relationships to

178
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:29,120
Speaker 1: escape from childhood traumas, and we feel like this person

179
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,120
Speaker 1: is a person that can come into our lives and

180
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,520
Speaker 1: save us, or we project a lot of different things

181
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:38,040
Speaker 1: onto a partner that really have nothing to do with

182
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,480
Speaker 1: the partner and really are more about internal issues that

183
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,360
Speaker 1: need to be worked out. So it really is important

184
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,920
Speaker 1: to kind of, um, after a relationship has ended, to

185
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,120
Speaker 1: take an assessment of what was real and what was

186
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:55,120
Speaker 1: a representation in that relationship. So if you had to

187
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,280
Speaker 1: kind of list out all of the things that you

188
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:01,360
Speaker 1: thought were successful about the relationship, what is that list

189
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:06,079
Speaker 1: and then list, Okay, in what ways did I, um,

190
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,760
Speaker 1: kind of play myself small in this relationship? In what

191
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,840
Speaker 1: ways or my needs and my expectations not met in

192
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,040
Speaker 1: this relationship? And in what ways that I contribute to

193
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:20,520
Speaker 1: those needs and expectations not being met because sometimes, you know,

194
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,280
Speaker 1: we just kind of have these unvoiced expectations from a

195
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,720
Speaker 1: partner that the partner doesn't even know, so we of

196
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,679
Speaker 1: course can't imagine that, We of course can't expect them

197
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,800
Speaker 1: to meet those But I think it is good after

198
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,280
Speaker 1: the end of a relationship to list all of that

199
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,559
Speaker 1: out so that you can see, Okay, this is what

200
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,640
Speaker 1: I thought was going on in the relationship, but actually

201
00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:43,280
Speaker 1: when I look at it on paper, this, this, and

202
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:47,200
Speaker 1: this actually wasn't meeting my needs and expectations and the relationship.

203
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,800
Speaker 1: And sometimes I think you can do that once you've

204
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,200
Speaker 1: had a little distance from the actual breakup. So again,

205
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,640
Speaker 1: and in recapping the top three reasons why it may

206
00:11:56,679 --> 00:11:58,760
Speaker 1: be difficult for you to let go of your X

207
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:03,120
Speaker 1: or one still holding out for closure, two you're still

208
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,360
Speaker 1: talking to them on social media, and three you're still

209
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:11,040
Speaker 1: holding on to their representation. So we did have a

210
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,160
Speaker 1: question and on the porch question this week, and this

211
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:17,440
Speaker 1: question says, I'm reaching out for some advice in a

212
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,840
Speaker 1: situation I'm trying to work through with my partner. He

213
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,800
Speaker 1: and I have been together for six years, have made

214
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,160
Speaker 1: great strides in developing our lives together by supporting each

215
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,800
Speaker 1: other's careers, moving across the country away from families to

216
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:34,440
Speaker 1: explore new cities, and recently bought a new home. Our

217
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,640
Speaker 1: opposite work schedules have become a burden to spend quality

218
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,200
Speaker 1: time with one another, and we felt the strain in

219
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:44,200
Speaker 1: our relationship. In the past couple of months. I found

220
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,720
Speaker 1: rolled up dollar bills in his clothes and have found

221
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,640
Speaker 1: drugs hidden in the house. I asked him one night

222
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,360
Speaker 1: if he was using cocaine again, and he admitted to

223
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:56,240
Speaker 1: using again. Early in our relationship, he used until he

224
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,360
Speaker 1: told me he would stop because I wasn't okay with

225
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,600
Speaker 1: the choice on his end. Although he said he's not

226
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,080
Speaker 1: addicted and claims to only use occasionally, he said he

227
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:09,760
Speaker 1: can stop again. I was heartbroken when he confirmed my suspicions,

228
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,240
Speaker 1: and I'm having trouble trusting him this time around. I

229
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,240
Speaker 1: don't know what I can ask of him to earn

230
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:18,160
Speaker 1: my trust again, but I'm having a hard time not

231
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,640
Speaker 1: giving him the chance. I keep going through his clothes

232
00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:26,640
Speaker 1: to find evidence, and have unfortunately still found drugs on him.

233
00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:30,280
Speaker 1: I propose the option of couples therapy since the situation

234
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,520
Speaker 1: is potentially a deal breaker for me, but I'm scared

235
00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:37,280
Speaker 1: of admitting my recent actions at these sessions. If he's

236
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,320
Speaker 1: promised to stop using but continues to and hides it

237
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,840
Speaker 1: from me, how do we both work through this issue

238
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,800
Speaker 1: and how can we learn to develop trust and respect

239
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:49,000
Speaker 1: one another? Again? So, first, i'd like to thank you

240
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:53,560
Speaker 1: for writing in to get some feedback about this situation. UM.

241
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,960
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling with this,

242
00:13:56,559 --> 00:13:59,320
Speaker 1: and I do think that couples therapy is probably a

243
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,160
Speaker 1: very good idea for the both of you, UM, so

244
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,440
Speaker 1: that you can have a safe place to share what's

245
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,559
Speaker 1: been going on and what's been happening with you. UM. Now,

246
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,160
Speaker 1: you did mention though, that you feel like you're scared

247
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,200
Speaker 1: about couple of therapy because you're afraid that you you're

248
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,640
Speaker 1: afraid of admitting that you've been like searching through his

249
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,280
Speaker 1: clothes and that kind of thing. UM. And so I

250
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,520
Speaker 1: want to put a caveat on the couple of therapy

251
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:24,640
Speaker 1: issue because if there is any um threat of physical

252
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:28,400
Speaker 1: violence or anything, then couple therapy is not a good

253
00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,360
Speaker 1: idea because you don't ever know what's gonna come up

254
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,760
Speaker 1: in couple of therapy, and you don't want to have

255
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,280
Speaker 1: a situation that then results in UM violence. So if

256
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,520
Speaker 1: there's any danger of physical violence, then couple of therapy

257
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,200
Speaker 1: would not be what I would say, jess UM. But

258
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,440
Speaker 1: if that is not the case, and you're just afraid

259
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,480
Speaker 1: of you know that he will be upset that he

260
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,240
Speaker 1: that you're still searching, then I do think couple of

261
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,520
Speaker 1: therapy would be a really good idea because it would

262
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,160
Speaker 1: give you guys a neutral place to kind of talk

263
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,600
Speaker 1: about what's been going on and for you to share

264
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,720
Speaker 1: your fears and to maybe hear more or about what's

265
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:06,520
Speaker 1: going on with him. UM. I also think that it

266
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,720
Speaker 1: would probably be a good idea for him to try

267
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,960
Speaker 1: to get some individual counseling. UM. So I'm not sure

268
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,640
Speaker 1: of all the details around the cocaine use UM, and

269
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,120
Speaker 1: I hear you saying that he says he can stop whenever, UM,

270
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,800
Speaker 1: but sometimes it's not that easy to UM let go

271
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,680
Speaker 1: of a substance that someone has been using. And so

272
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,560
Speaker 1: I think it would be a really good idea for

273
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:31,840
Speaker 1: him to also get some individual counseling to examine his

274
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,920
Speaker 1: relationship with cocaine to see if that is something that

275
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,360
Speaker 1: he actually can quit or does he need to go

276
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,760
Speaker 1: to some kind of a more formal rehab detox kind

277
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,840
Speaker 1: of program UM to be able to kind of discontinue

278
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:48,320
Speaker 1: use of that substance. I also really think, UM, it's

279
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,720
Speaker 1: important for you to maybe do some individual counseling or

280
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,320
Speaker 1: just some self reflection in journaling maybe on your own,

281
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:58,160
Speaker 1: about what this means for you. UM. So it sounds

282
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,200
Speaker 1: like you had a boundary around him not using and

283
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:06,080
Speaker 1: you have the UM discovered that that boundary has been violated.

284
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:09,040
Speaker 1: And so I think for you it's really important to

285
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,480
Speaker 1: kind of consider is this something you really can come

286
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:16,080
Speaker 1: back from? UM? Do you think that you will ever

287
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,040
Speaker 1: trust that he is not using? Are you going to

288
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,400
Speaker 1: continue to be searching even if you guys go to

289
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,360
Speaker 1: a couple of therapy and he says, UM that he's

290
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:28,800
Speaker 1: not using. I just wonder for you how you are

291
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,760
Speaker 1: going to be able to kind of make peace with

292
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,680
Speaker 1: this situation or if you can, UM. And I think

293
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,280
Speaker 1: only you are going to be able to answer that question,

294
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,640
Speaker 1: like I said, either through some very honest self reflection

295
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,640
Speaker 1: or in working with a therapist to get clearer on

296
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,640
Speaker 1: that UM. And I think it is really important for

297
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,560
Speaker 1: you UM to kind of be again, honest with yourself

298
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,640
Speaker 1: because this was a boundary that you had said, UM,

299
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,880
Speaker 1: and he has now violated that. So I think you

300
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,880
Speaker 1: have to be honest with yourself and see, okay, am

301
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:59,400
Speaker 1: I okay? With this boundary violation, do I feel like

302
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,760
Speaker 1: the trust be restored in the relationship and what is

303
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,320
Speaker 1: he willing to do, like I said in in conjunction

304
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,280
Speaker 1: with couples therapy, to really be able to restore trust

305
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,720
Speaker 1: in this situation. So again, thank you so much for

306
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:16,680
Speaker 1: writing in and I hope that feedback was helpful. If

307
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,840
Speaker 1: you have any questions that you would like to get

308
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:23,200
Speaker 1: some feedback about, definitely send those into podcasts at Therapy

309
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:27,280
Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. I always love seeing your

310
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:30,320
Speaker 1: comments and how much you're sharing on social media, so

311
00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:33,080
Speaker 1: please continue to do that. Let me know what you're

312
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,760
Speaker 1: thinking about the episodes. If there are things that you'd

313
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,280
Speaker 1: like to hear me cover that I have it, I'm

314
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,720
Speaker 1: happy to address those. You can send them to me

315
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,400
Speaker 1: on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. UM. On Twitter where at

316
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,919
Speaker 1: therapy four the number four be girls and on Facebook

317
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:53,960
Speaker 1: and um Instagram we're at Therapy for Black Girls. Or

318
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,200
Speaker 1: you can send an email like I just mentioned to

319
00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:00,040
Speaker 1: podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls dot com again, and

320
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,080
Speaker 1: if you would like to continue these conversations offline with

321
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,479
Speaker 1: other women who are fans of the show, then definitely

322
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:08,240
Speaker 1: hop on into our Facebook group. You can find that

323
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:12,560
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash Tribe, and

324
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,280
Speaker 1: I'm definitely looking forward to continuing all of these great

325
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,600
Speaker 1: conversations with you all real soon. Take get care