1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:05,359 Speaker 1: Wine Down with Jane Kramer and I Heart Radio podcast. 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:12,480 Speaker 1: You know, it's so annoying. What is that Mark only 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:18,080 Speaker 1: comes on the show when something is like I just 4 00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:22,920 Speaker 1: had this feeling, Well here he comes, this little bobblehead. 5 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: I know, but it's just whenever anything is like in 6 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: the press or which there's that I don't know what 7 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,960 Speaker 1: I'm talking about there, but um, it's just I'm like, 8 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,320 Speaker 1: I bet you Mark is going to be on the 9 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,640 Speaker 1: show because he's just a digger. He likes to dig 10 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:40,720 Speaker 1: and he likes to poke and he likes to proud 11 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 1: because he's a producer. It is. It's a fine line 12 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,280 Speaker 1: I want and I don't want to impose myself in 13 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 1: the show and I'm not needed. I don't want to 14 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 1: be in the way, but there are times when some 15 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:57,960 Speaker 1: prodding could help the situation, right yeah, Because I mean 16 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:04,280 Speaker 1: I have seen some stories you have some very complimentary 17 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,800 Speaker 1: thank you. That's so sweet. I haven't looked or noticed 18 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: at all. It's so great because she just doesn't pay 19 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:13,200 Speaker 1: attention stuff. No, it's it's awesome. And living my life 20 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:16,760 Speaker 1: as a single mom and having fun and um, just 21 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,039 Speaker 1: you know, I stay on social media. I love it 22 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:22,120 Speaker 1: and I'm over here, like that's smart. But I will 23 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 1: tell you that I did see one article that says 24 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:28,399 Speaker 1: that you are a smoke So wait, I'm sorry, can 25 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 1: we what does that mean? Um my understanding? Well I 26 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 1: always go great to Urban Dictionary in this. Yeah, well 27 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 1: I should read you the actual definition of it. But 28 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,400 Speaker 1: is it now? Is a smoke which I believe is 29 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:49,000 Speaker 1: often short for a smoke show wow, And a smoke 30 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 1: show is a word to described someone so hot that 31 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:56,080 Speaker 1: you basically see the smoke coming off. That's so good man. 32 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 1: I got to get back on social media. I was 33 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,040 Speaker 1: so nervous for a second. Was not going to me 34 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:07,400 Speaker 1: in smoke show like trust me saying, um No, I 35 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,360 Speaker 1: mean that's a lie to say. IM not on social media. 36 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 1: I I just don't. Um I've I learned from the 37 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:18,239 Speaker 1: divorce to not read comments because people are very mean, 38 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 1: and I think there's just so much misinformation out in 39 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:25,440 Speaker 1: the world in general that it's it's um my, my 40 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,959 Speaker 1: heart is always like but that's not true, and it's 41 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:32,720 Speaker 1: like it takes so much energy to like defend or 42 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 1: it's just so funny. Everyone thinks they have it all 43 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,639 Speaker 1: figured out. They know everything that goes on and they 44 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: just you know, so what can you do? You can't? 45 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 1: You just gotta let it, let it ride. Is it 46 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,240 Speaker 1: a weird feeling that if you choose to comment on 47 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,960 Speaker 1: the you know, if there are twenty articles this week, 48 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:54,280 Speaker 1: came on your podcast and said, uh, these aren't truer. Okay, 49 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,000 Speaker 1: well that's true. Whatever you said, it would create twenty 50 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,680 Speaker 1: more articles and probably forty articles next week. Is that 51 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 1: a weird feeling that you have that kind of power 52 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,239 Speaker 1: to create this stuff? You know? I know, I think 53 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,760 Speaker 1: I think I've learned lessons of speaking, you know, and 54 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:11,280 Speaker 1: I think, um, yeah, I don't have no comment on 55 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 1: being a smoke. Oh thank you. My comment is being 56 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: a smoke is that's I'm very flattered, So thank you. 57 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:22,560 Speaker 1: It's very sweets and um thanks Cat Hilcome. Okay, so, 58 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: speaking of my best dam, we're going to Vegas because 59 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:33,799 Speaker 1: I Heart Music Festival is back gambling. Yes, we're being 60 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 1: So we're doing a pre show podcast hosted by me 61 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,000 Speaker 1: and my best friend Catherine is gonna be with me. 62 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: It's gonna be a blast. Um. We're gonna have some 63 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:49,680 Speaker 1: amazing artists and celebrities joining the show. We're gonna have 64 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: Tasha Adams, Chrissie Mets, Debbie Gibson, Joey McIntyre. Oh my god, 65 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:02,880 Speaker 1: if I started singing any of his songs. Okay, thanks, Um, 66 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:10,040 Speaker 1: Donny Osmond, Maddie and Kenzie Ziel. You love dance moms 67 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,200 Speaker 1: and I love Um, I love their mom. They're so 68 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,840 Speaker 1: sweet nine degrees obsessed. Do you know that their Christmas 69 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: album is probably one of the best Christmas albums of 70 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: all time? So good? Um and Teddy Mellencamp who She's 71 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: My Girl? So um so and so many more. So 72 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:31,600 Speaker 1: get your tickets today at on location live dot com 73 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: and let's have fun and get lucky in Vegas. Hey, Hey, Hi, Hi, 74 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:43,279 Speaker 1: it's good lucky. Okay, Okay. We have a really exciting 75 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 1: guest that's coming on today, Pastor Cal. And he has 76 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: a book out called Marriage Ain't for Punks. And he's 77 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: also a mentor on Married at First Sight, which is 78 00:04:55,480 --> 00:05:00,800 Speaker 1: Wednesday's on Lifetime Lifetime. Um. But I'm really pumped to 79 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,919 Speaker 1: get him on and talk all things marriage. And actually 80 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,479 Speaker 1: I think is in the waiting room now, so let's 81 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:23,480 Speaker 1: bring him in. Hey, Pastor Cal, Hey, Janna, how are you? 82 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,479 Speaker 1: I'm good, thank you? How are you I'm Janna and 83 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:30,000 Speaker 1: this is my friend Catherine. Hi. Oh my goodness, I'm 84 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: so excited to have you on the show. Um. First 85 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,920 Speaker 1: of all, I just your book. The title is just 86 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:42,479 Speaker 1: fantastic because it's so true. Marriage is not for punks. 87 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 1: You know the name for punks. It's hard, it's it's 88 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 1: it's it's not an easy thing. It's it's pretty tough. Actually, 89 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,359 Speaker 1: But do you know what, I'm possible and when it works, 90 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,240 Speaker 1: it works great, It works so well. How long have 91 00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:59,720 Speaker 1: you been married? For my wife and I we've been 92 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 1: married for We're gonna year, okay, Yeah, And we're very 93 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: open and honest with people. We tell them, you know, 94 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 1: this is our we're second timer. As we get married 95 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 1: first time, very young and very dumb, and we made 96 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,159 Speaker 1: a lot of mistakes. But this time it's it's still death. 97 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 1: Do us part voluntarily or involuntarily. You're gonna have to 98 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:24,920 Speaker 1: day to leave. Yeah. My ex said the same thing, 99 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,919 Speaker 1: but he's not here anymore. It's fine, it's fine. I 100 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 1: think everything you know, things happen, right. But yeah, it's 101 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 1: interesting when you say the young and dumb, because I think, well, 102 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,440 Speaker 1: I mean, I definitely had a young and dumb moment. 103 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 1: I mean I was nineteen and had Elvis mary me 104 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,359 Speaker 1: in Vegas and I only knew the guy for two weeks. 105 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,679 Speaker 1: So there's you know, that's a young and dumb moment. 106 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:47,520 Speaker 1: But there is something to be said to where, you know, 107 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:51,240 Speaker 1: I've got a six year old daughter, and it's like, 108 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,360 Speaker 1: how do I how do you tell your kids? Like, hey, 109 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,599 Speaker 1: wait until you're a certain age because I even see 110 00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: kids now, I mean, shoot, our you know, our are 111 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 1: someone who's helping us with our kids. She was twenty 112 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,039 Speaker 1: three and she got married and she was twenty something. 113 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh gosh, because I'm like, I just think 114 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 1: of all like them, how much I've grown from nineteen 115 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,520 Speaker 1: to twenty three and then twenty three to twenty six 116 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,800 Speaker 1: and then six to thirty, and it's like, I I 117 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:21,040 Speaker 1: feel like I'm different people in those than those gaps. Yeah, 118 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 1: oh absolutely. It's one thing I talked about in the 119 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:28,040 Speaker 1: book is is the you know, the beauty of change, 120 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: and that that we are always changing and you know 121 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 1: where you you're not the person you were when you 122 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:36,560 Speaker 1: were twenty three, You're not the person you were last year. 123 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: You're not even the person you were yesterday. More than 124 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: likely because every experience we have in life changes us. 125 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: And I believe that for every relationship that's going to work, 126 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 1: you have to notify each other of when those changes happen. 127 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,400 Speaker 1: My wife and I we still do that, you know, 128 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,920 Speaker 1: we let each other know. You know, we're different now. 129 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 1: Things that I used to like I may not like 130 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,080 Speaker 1: it anymore. My love language changes. I mean, all things 131 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:02,200 Speaker 1: are changing, sidly, and that's the beauty and the excitement 132 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,720 Speaker 1: of marriage, but also the challenge. What do you say 133 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 1: when people say that person will never change. I don't 134 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,320 Speaker 1: believe that, not at all. Yeah, no, I don't believe. 135 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,440 Speaker 1: I believe people change. People can change. The question is 136 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 1: when they do change, will you still be will you 137 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,120 Speaker 1: want them? You know? Yeah, it doesn't mean you have 138 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: to stay be with them because they're changing. But everybody, 139 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 1: I guess. I don't know if I'm an idealist or 140 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: just an eternal optimist or what, but I I believe 141 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 1: that everyone can change. Everyone has the ability to change. 142 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,600 Speaker 1: And you've heard it said Janna, you know, one once 143 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 1: a cheat, always a cheating. I mean what if we 144 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,320 Speaker 1: what if we said that about about other things in 145 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:49,839 Speaker 1: our lives, you know, you know, once uh, overweight person 146 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,760 Speaker 1: always an overweight person or once you know what I mean. No, 147 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,960 Speaker 1: people change, people grow, people are different, and uh, I 148 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,200 Speaker 1: think we have to give people attitude to do that. No, 149 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,920 Speaker 1: I mean, I are you for sure on that? And 150 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,240 Speaker 1: I think you know, I've always been a huge advocate 151 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,320 Speaker 1: that things people can change, and you can grow, and 152 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:10,040 Speaker 1: you can learn and heal and and be a better person. 153 00:09:10,559 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 1: But there has to come a point too. And I 154 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 1: think you know experiences with my last relationship where I 155 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 1: kept saying, oh, it's gonna change, it's gonna change, it's 156 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: gonna change. But when the pattern keeps happening for six 157 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 1: years and you know, the cheating continues, it's like at 158 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,120 Speaker 1: some point, like you gotta throw your hands up right 159 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:29,640 Speaker 1: pastor and be like, hey, I like there is not 160 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 1: there's I don't see the change. And I'm not saying 161 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 1: you won't ever change, but you're clearly not changing in 162 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,959 Speaker 1: our in this when like holding out for me, I'm like, 163 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 1: I'm the kind of person like I want to hold 164 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,000 Speaker 1: out for like that change because now I'm like, oh, 165 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,280 Speaker 1: now he's gonna change for the next person. Well that's 166 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:47,080 Speaker 1: that sucks, you know, But like, yeah, but you're absolutely 167 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,920 Speaker 1: right it's like, you know, you you have to determine 168 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,280 Speaker 1: what your limits are. You have to determine where your 169 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:58,080 Speaker 1: balance pretes are. Um as I mentioned before, were I'm 170 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,559 Speaker 1: a second time or my wife is as well. And 171 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:02,920 Speaker 1: you know, I've had people say, well, look if you guys, 172 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,800 Speaker 1: you know, could you have made your first marriage work? 173 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,640 Speaker 1: I said, you know what, I don't know? Maybe if 174 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: of course about knowing what I know now. Yeah, but 175 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 1: but at at that certain point, um, you know, you 176 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:18,680 Speaker 1: have to ask yourself the question is this going to 177 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,120 Speaker 1: be good for me going into the future with all 178 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 1: the trials and all the problems and all the almost 179 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,440 Speaker 1: irreparable damage that the relationship, that this relationship is caused. 180 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: And if you're in a relationship where there's been irreparable damage, 181 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,480 Speaker 1: the last thing you want to do is to stay 182 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:37,360 Speaker 1: in it where it's it's damaging you. You know. So 183 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 1: you know, change can happen, people can change, But that's 184 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,480 Speaker 1: still the question still is out there. You know, do 185 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:48,960 Speaker 1: does that mean that you have to stay in that relationship? Yeah? 186 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 1: That's just like that's just like the tough part because 187 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,000 Speaker 1: it's like after so many years, you're like, well, I've 188 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,320 Speaker 1: waited this song so it's like the change has got 189 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,480 Speaker 1: to come, But then you realize it's probably not going 190 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: to come with you, and it's hard to pass that 191 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,960 Speaker 1: on to be like, oh, man, I fought for something 192 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,840 Speaker 1: that now all that hard work is going to just 193 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:10,120 Speaker 1: go into like this new blessinging romance that that I 194 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,520 Speaker 1: fought for right or that people fight for And that 195 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:18,199 Speaker 1: feels very unfair. Yeah it is, but you know, look this, 196 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,160 Speaker 1: this is that this is one of the mysteries of relationships. Yes, 197 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,920 Speaker 1: you can be in a relationship and look, am I 198 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,360 Speaker 1: better than I was in my last marriage? Absolutely? You know. 199 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:30,280 Speaker 1: Are you better than you were in your last marriage? Absolutely? 200 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:33,840 Speaker 1: So yes, you may have done something to to to 201 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,720 Speaker 1: to make him better, but those experiences also made you better, sure, 202 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:41,160 Speaker 1: you know. And so we all get better, we're all different, 203 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,840 Speaker 1: we're all better than we were, and we just have 204 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,679 Speaker 1: to embrace that, you know. I mean, I look at 205 00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 1: it like this that people come into your life for 206 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:55,240 Speaker 1: a reason sometimes but not for a lifetime, you know. 207 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,160 Speaker 1: And if someone's in your life and you change during 208 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:01,920 Speaker 1: that time and you experience growth, and the trials that 209 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 1: you go through help you to experience a greater understanding 210 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: and a more pleasing personality than accept that that person 211 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 1: wasn't meant for you for the long term, so you 212 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,959 Speaker 1: said earlier. So like, I've been married for fourteen years 213 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:21,760 Speaker 1: and got married young, like you were saying earlier, Um, 214 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 1: so young. But so no, sorry that I referenced someone 215 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 1: that was so young, because I think about that all 216 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,040 Speaker 1: the time, and I mean in our mayor just definitely 217 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,120 Speaker 1: had ups and downs and so like you were saying earlier, 218 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: I'm so you know, we change, We changed through the 219 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,080 Speaker 1: years every day all that. So it's like, how do 220 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,719 Speaker 1: you recommend kind of you said that, y'all communicate that, 221 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: but it's like, obviously me and my husband have changed 222 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,240 Speaker 1: a lot through that time, so it's like, you know, 223 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,520 Speaker 1: how do you I mean, how do you know and 224 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,679 Speaker 1: are aware of what you need to talk about and 225 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,839 Speaker 1: what the changes. I mean, it's just it seems being 226 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,520 Speaker 1: very aware yourself would be key, I guess, but that 227 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 1: just sounds hard to me. Yea, it is hard. It 228 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,800 Speaker 1: is hard, and of course you don't marriageing for pomps, 229 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 1: but it is. It's it's very difficult to know this 230 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,960 Speaker 1: and this is this is why I always encourage, you know, 231 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: constant communication and communication on on on deeper levels, not 232 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:19,880 Speaker 1: just you know, talking about events and and you know, 233 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,960 Speaker 1: how is your day and all that stuff. But communication 234 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: is difficult. It's so hard. It's hard to to to 235 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:30,360 Speaker 1: talk about, you know, things that are painful. It's hard 236 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: to talk about things that you don't like anymore. It's 237 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,280 Speaker 1: hard to talk about things in your spouse or in 238 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 1: your partner that you don't like anymore. But it's it's 239 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,680 Speaker 1: just necessary. You have to have those tough discussions. You 240 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 1: have to have those tough arguments even in order for 241 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,480 Speaker 1: it too, in order to get those things out in 242 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,920 Speaker 1: order for it to work. But you're absolutely right, it's 243 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 1: tough for people who have been married. You're married young 244 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,480 Speaker 1: now you're not the same person that you are that 245 00:13:54,640 --> 00:14:00,200 Speaker 1: you were. It requires an incredible amount of vulnerability, openness, 246 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,440 Speaker 1: and and and introspection, you know, to to sit down 247 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,880 Speaker 1: with your spouse and say, you know what, I want 248 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,360 Speaker 1: to tell you how I'm different. I want to tell 249 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: you how I'm not the same person, and I want 250 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 1: to know how you're not the same person. And I I 251 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 1: don't want to find out how can these two new 252 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,720 Speaker 1: people still stay together and still find love and still 253 00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: discover the beauty and the newness that we all now share. 254 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:26,000 Speaker 1: You know, it's it's it's tough, but it's necessary. Do 255 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,040 Speaker 1: you think you could do that? Because I feel like 256 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 1: I would just cry, well, you know my problem, and 257 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 1: I would be like, this is how you've changed that 258 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:40,160 Speaker 1: you can't you know, it's like but I mean this, yeah, 259 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: And that's where it's like you have to I guess, 260 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 1: like you just said point out how I've changed and said, 261 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,280 Speaker 1: now you tell me how you've changed, And I guess 262 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: that would be a better way to have that conversation. 263 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,560 Speaker 1: Why is it so hard? I mean because I feel 264 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:56,280 Speaker 1: like I've I've definitely got it, but I've been doing 265 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,600 Speaker 1: a better job at it over the years. But to 266 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,680 Speaker 1: to have those vone rble conversations, it's your partner, it 267 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,720 Speaker 1: should they should be your best friend, Like where where 268 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 1: does that go? Where? Like where does that piece go? 269 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,200 Speaker 1: When shouldn't that be that person that you're just so 270 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: comfortable being like, hey, this is I'm going to be 271 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,920 Speaker 1: vulnerable with you, Like I don't understand like how we're 272 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,560 Speaker 1: that because I feel like I was a little bit 273 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:23,720 Speaker 1: better with that in our marriage. But why it isn't 274 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,360 Speaker 1: reciprocated or why it's harder for other people to like 275 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:32,120 Speaker 1: get that. Yeah, it's because it's scary. It is scary 276 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:36,840 Speaker 1: man to uh, to reveal yourself and too, to let 277 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 1: somebody know you know who you really are and what 278 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,920 Speaker 1: you really feel and your deep dark secrets and and 279 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,760 Speaker 1: and you're the things that you're not pleased about it. 280 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,080 Speaker 1: I mean, it's it's really difficult to be that vulnerable. 281 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 1: I heard a psychologist put it this way. He said 282 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,760 Speaker 1: that she said that when I reveal who I really am, 283 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,000 Speaker 1: it's a dangerous thing because I'm telling you the deepest 284 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,360 Speaker 1: parts of me um and if you don't accept those 285 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,720 Speaker 1: deepest parts, I have nothing left. You have completely rejected 286 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 1: who I am. So people quite often will will will 287 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,320 Speaker 1: hide those parts. You'll keep those parts for themselves because 288 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,000 Speaker 1: they don't want to feel rejected. But if you're going 289 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 1: to experience great love, you also have to take great risks. 290 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: You also have to be willing to uh, to be 291 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,400 Speaker 1: that open and to be that vulnerable and and unfortunately 292 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,520 Speaker 1: a lot of people are are afraid of that, which 293 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,400 Speaker 1: is why the divorce rate is so high. It's funny 294 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:33,760 Speaker 1: because when we look at you know, arranged marriages like 295 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,200 Speaker 1: which is what what I do. You know, we do 296 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,400 Speaker 1: on the show sort of a new take on arranged marriages. 297 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:43,600 Speaker 1: They have roughly a ninety five percent success rate arranged marriages, 298 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:47,920 Speaker 1: and it's because they're not they're not romantic marriages. People 299 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,600 Speaker 1: are getting together for a different reason. They're getting together 300 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:55,000 Speaker 1: because number one, their families connect. Number two, they're building 301 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:59,280 Speaker 1: legacies together. And what they're creating is a they're contributing 302 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:03,080 Speaker 1: to the social stability of their community. And that's how 303 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 1: they look at it. They're not looking at it that 304 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 1: so that I love you, I love you, and we 305 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 1: just we just want to be together and see the 306 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,560 Speaker 1: rainbows and the bunny rabbits and and you know, see 307 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: the clout of gold, and that's cool. But when you 308 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,480 Speaker 1: have something that's much more firm, much more stable, to 309 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,240 Speaker 1: build a relationship on the fact that we are actually 310 00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:24,679 Speaker 1: building something. Look, if I know that we have a 311 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 1: solid foundation. This is what my wife and we experienced 312 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,640 Speaker 1: when we just determined and we we decided that look, 313 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 1: we're not going anywhere period. That's it. We know what 314 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,399 Speaker 1: the pain of loss feels like, we know what the 315 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 1: pain of divorce feels like. We will we will never 316 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:43,359 Speaker 1: experience that again. Once we've established that in our relationship, 317 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,840 Speaker 1: we can argue because that has been established and irrespectable, 318 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:52,160 Speaker 1: I respectable, what happens, We're not going anywhere. We will 319 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:56,480 Speaker 1: be together unless something happens where it's like, you're just miserable, right, 320 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,399 Speaker 1: because like you wouldn't want to stay in something that 321 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:02,320 Speaker 1: you're just the since not picking, you know, not being 322 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:06,080 Speaker 1: your partner and helping and growing. If person just like 323 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:09,080 Speaker 1: throws it away, like you can't stay in that right, well, 324 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:16,399 Speaker 1: well you know you look, here's the thing. Misery is 325 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 1: a part of marriage, sure, but not for like five years? 326 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 1: Could you be miserable? Like honestly, like if if I 327 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,760 Speaker 1: ever get married again, if I'm miserable and like it is, 328 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,840 Speaker 1: I'm in a five year, ten year misery, Like what 329 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,399 Speaker 1: is the point I'd rather be alone? If I've tried 330 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,520 Speaker 1: and I've done therapy and this person is still not 331 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,639 Speaker 1: like doing their work, Like how is that healthy? Yeah? 332 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,560 Speaker 1: I'm not the guy who to say stay in a 333 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,720 Speaker 1: marriage under any give any search chance. I'm not going 334 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,520 Speaker 1: to say that, but I am going to say, because 335 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,920 Speaker 1: you know, for for all the couples that I've I've 336 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:53,320 Speaker 1: talked to the last twenty some years. One one common 337 00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 1: denominator that I've seen is that people do give up 338 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 1: too quickly. For sure. I've seen couples who have been 339 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:08,199 Speaker 1: miserable for years have learned tools to cope and to 340 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,920 Speaker 1: deal and to understand and to reveal. Look, I've seen 341 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,800 Speaker 1: couples have been violent. I mean literally, I don't. I don't. 342 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 1: I don't advise the violence. I don't. I don't stand 343 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,360 Speaker 1: for it all. But I've seen couples have been physically 344 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,679 Speaker 1: violent towards one another, have come to an understanding of 345 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:27,720 Speaker 1: why that was happening, have corrected their behavior, and have 346 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:32,679 Speaker 1: accepted each other the corrected people that they that they become. 347 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,239 Speaker 1: And the last time that I've checked, they have been 348 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 1: married down for twenty one years, happy, happy because they've 349 00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:45,159 Speaker 1: They've They've understood what the problem was. They isolated the problem. 350 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,639 Speaker 1: They didn't they didn't attach the problem to the person, 351 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,439 Speaker 1: but they took the problem, as I often say, and 352 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,960 Speaker 1: they set it on the shelf and say, you know what, 353 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,639 Speaker 1: that's the problem this year is attacking our marriage. How 354 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:59,000 Speaker 1: do we attack that issue, not connect the issue to 355 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,000 Speaker 1: the person, but so separate the issue from the person 356 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:06,280 Speaker 1: and deal with the issue objectively. Two people have to 357 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:08,200 Speaker 1: be willing to do that, and they have to be 358 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,800 Speaker 1: willing to stay in this thing and work at it, 359 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,879 Speaker 1: and they have to be vulnerable and realized, look, I 360 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,840 Speaker 1: screw it up. And if you have a person who's 361 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,119 Speaker 1: not willing to admit their error, that's a problem. And 362 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 1: that's when I see marriages decline. Yeah, I mean for sure. 363 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,399 Speaker 1: I remember when I went into my therapist office. She 364 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,720 Speaker 1: was like when I found out about you know, all 365 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,359 Speaker 1: the affairs and stuff, my therapist is like, give it, 366 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:32,640 Speaker 1: do not do anything for at least a year, yes, 367 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:37,040 Speaker 1: And I'm like, what the did you decay? I think, 368 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:41,679 Speaker 1: because like what now, like you're out of your mind, 369 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: Like how I can't even be in the same And 370 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:46,160 Speaker 1: she's like, I need you to give it. Do not 371 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,520 Speaker 1: make any drastic And I think you're right. I think 372 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,080 Speaker 1: people do give up to you too easy. And I 373 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: think it's they're shiny objects over here, and there's a 374 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,639 Speaker 1: shiny object over there, and it's it seems like a 375 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,800 Speaker 1: quick fix, but there's not. But then the lead into 376 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,800 Speaker 1: my point where she was I was saying, like, Okay, 377 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,680 Speaker 1: then six years later, still misery still relapses. Okay, now 378 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:08,560 Speaker 1: it's like, what do I want for my next fifty 379 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,080 Speaker 1: you know, like I that's just not a life and 380 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,200 Speaker 1: and neither for him to like you know, he's we 381 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,919 Speaker 1: we weren't. Um, we were better off co parents and 382 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:23,040 Speaker 1: that's the unfortunate truth. And you know, um yeah, and 383 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,199 Speaker 1: again not something that I think we it's not like 384 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:30,520 Speaker 1: you walk into that but knowing that marriage is really hard. Um. 385 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,480 Speaker 1: But I'm curious, like, what do you say to the 386 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:37,560 Speaker 1: people that they didn't cheat, they're not alcoholics, they don't 387 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:41,720 Speaker 1: have um, there's really nothing wrong. They just kind of 388 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,200 Speaker 1: feel stuck. Is it just going back to that same 389 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,439 Speaker 1: like communication or is there something that can kind of 390 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:51,239 Speaker 1: like jump started a little bit? Absolutely, and that this 391 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,159 Speaker 1: is when this is when Kelseling comes in. You need 392 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 1: to look. I God, I've talked to so many people 393 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 1: who have been in that situation. I'm talking about people 394 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,960 Speaker 1: been married for years. I'm tying ten, fifteen, twenty years, 395 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:09,080 Speaker 1: and they felt stuck. And there's a way to become unstuck, 396 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,280 Speaker 1: of course, you know, And yeah, we have started in 397 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 1: every individual, you know, because every situation is different. So 398 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,439 Speaker 1: I can't give you just a carte blanche. You do 399 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:21,320 Speaker 1: this magic thing improve you're unstuck it. Actually, you actually 400 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:26,320 Speaker 1: have to one identify what that challenge is. What, Okay, 401 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,560 Speaker 1: you know, why do I feel this way? And you know, 402 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,280 Speaker 1: take the focus off your partner and put the focus 403 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 1: on you. Why do I feel? Like? Why do I 404 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,760 Speaker 1: feel stuff? What if you don't know? Though, Like what 405 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,000 Speaker 1: if you're like, I don't know? That's when a therapist 406 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,560 Speaker 1: canna help you uncover that because a lot of times, 407 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,360 Speaker 1: a lot of times, what you deal with in your 408 00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:45,359 Speaker 1: relationship has nothing to do with your relationship. It has 409 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,600 Speaker 1: to do with some some craft that you've dealt with 410 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,960 Speaker 1: in your history, has to do with some some stuff 411 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: you've dealt with in your past. I mean, I've I've 412 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,680 Speaker 1: talked to numerous people who are who are carrying baggage 413 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:58,960 Speaker 1: from their parents, carrying baggage from their old relationships, and 414 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,640 Speaker 1: they're wondering, know, why is my marriage suffering? Where your 415 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,680 Speaker 1: marriage is suffering because you never resolved those things from 416 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,800 Speaker 1: your past and those things are weighing you down, and 417 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 1: they're weighing your spouse down. And when you have two 418 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,400 Speaker 1: people who are dealing with some of the same kind 419 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,080 Speaker 1: of challenges, you know, yeah, it's it's almost a sinking 420 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,399 Speaker 1: ship that you're you're you're on so a lot of 421 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,119 Speaker 1: times that that stuck feeling that thing that you know, 422 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,080 Speaker 1: why is there a weight on us? Why is it 423 00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:26,600 Speaker 1: that our that that you know, we can't seem to 424 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:31,920 Speaker 1: just be happy, we can't seem to just feel good. 425 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,520 Speaker 1: I mean, what is that? I always said, I think 426 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:38,680 Speaker 1: your your therapist was so right. Don't make any rast decisions. 427 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,560 Speaker 1: The first thing you need to do individually is seek 428 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,920 Speaker 1: some counseling and find out, first of all, is there 429 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,239 Speaker 1: something about me that's causing me to be stuck not 430 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,520 Speaker 1: only in my marriage, but in other areas of my 431 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:53,119 Speaker 1: life as well, and that needs to be uncovered with 432 00:23:53,160 --> 00:24:02,119 Speaker 1: some serious, some serious interventions. Mhm, great, church rightious. Good. 433 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,880 Speaker 1: What's been the biggest, um, the biggest lesson that you've 434 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:12,199 Speaker 1: kind of or not said lesson, but um awakening I 435 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:19,080 Speaker 1: guess that you've had to realize with marriage. Yeah, I guess, well, 436 00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,359 Speaker 1: there's so many, but I guess one thing that comes 437 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 1: to mind, uh, is that you know, there is no 438 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 1: perfect marriage. There is no that all my expectations have 439 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:38,160 Speaker 1: to be altered and normalized, you know, and I think 440 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:43,760 Speaker 1: that there's nothing that's that that's perfect, that that's going 441 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:48,000 Speaker 1: to be exactly what I expected to be. But it's 442 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:52,639 Speaker 1: probably better than you know, what what other people are 443 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:54,840 Speaker 1: going through as well. I tell people this all the time, 444 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: you know, for all the people who complain about their relationships. 445 00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,880 Speaker 1: If you were to take everyone and sit them, stand 446 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 1: me in a circle and somehow take all your problems 447 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,080 Speaker 1: and throw them in the middle, and if everyone could 448 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,240 Speaker 1: stand around and look at those problems in the middle, 449 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:11,239 Speaker 1: I will bet you you'd take yours back. Yes, Now, 450 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:15,080 Speaker 1: everybody's going through their own bs. Everybody's going to their 451 00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:18,400 Speaker 1: own kind of crap man, and you know, you we can, 452 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,879 Speaker 1: you know, monumentalize ours and say, oh my god, this 453 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:25,400 Speaker 1: is the worst thing in the world. But yeah, it's 454 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,800 Speaker 1: never as bad as you think it is. There's never 455 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:29,679 Speaker 1: you know, the grass is never really grieving on the 456 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,760 Speaker 1: other side. That's so true. And just to share a 457 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,960 Speaker 1: quick little story, I went to get a new computer 458 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,399 Speaker 1: and the guy that sold me the computer he was blind, 459 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,080 Speaker 1: and I just, I don't know, I just kind of 460 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,320 Speaker 1: felt this nudge to just have conversation with him, and 461 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,120 Speaker 1: you know, so I started talking to him, asking where 462 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:48,679 Speaker 1: he's from, and um, I could just see him kind 463 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,600 Speaker 1: of uh loosen up a little bit and um start 464 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 1: smiling and it just warm my heart. And so then 465 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,399 Speaker 1: I started asking him about you know, I said, if 466 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,280 Speaker 1: it's if it's okay to ask, you know, how long 467 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:02,119 Speaker 1: if was this? Were you born blinder? And he just 468 00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 1: started telling a story and it was fascinating. And then 469 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,160 Speaker 1: he goes, and you know what, and he said, exactly 470 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,760 Speaker 1: what you just said. He goes, if if we all 471 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,760 Speaker 1: sat in a circle, we put all of our in 472 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,680 Speaker 1: the middle of the room. He goes, I will take 473 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,000 Speaker 1: my blindness over any of the other stuff that people 474 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: put in the middle. And I was just like it 475 00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 1: was just like it almost like made it started interior. Wow, 476 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:22,800 Speaker 1: that's so true. Like we all have our stuff, and 477 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: it's just how we find the gratitude in and how 478 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,600 Speaker 1: we grow from it, how we learn from it, and 479 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:30,760 Speaker 1: how we are grateful, like, Okay, it's not really that bad. 480 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 1: It's not And if we could just tell ourselves that, 481 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:35,879 Speaker 1: I mean, it's you know, my wife always used this 482 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,800 Speaker 1: illustrations that the building always looks until intimidating. It always 483 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 1: looks large when you're standing right at the front entrance, 484 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,000 Speaker 1: you know, you look up its Oh my god, that 485 00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:46,480 Speaker 1: is a looming building. That is the biggest thing. But 486 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,359 Speaker 1: when you step back, the further you go back from it, 487 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,399 Speaker 1: you notice, wait a minute, you know, it tends to 488 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,639 Speaker 1: come into focus. I think most of the time we 489 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,200 Speaker 1: have to step away from our situations so we can 490 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,440 Speaker 1: sit back and look at it objective and say, okay, fine, 491 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,239 Speaker 1: how bad is this actually? M hm? You know, how 492 00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:05,119 Speaker 1: how bad was this argument? Did my didn't you know? 493 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,840 Speaker 1: Did my husband hit me? Did my wife? No, it 494 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,200 Speaker 1: wasn't any of that. Okay, fine, you know, are they? 495 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,000 Speaker 1: Are they a bad person? I asked to I asked 496 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:15,080 Speaker 1: a couple of this once, um on on on on 497 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,159 Speaker 1: the show Married at First Sight, and I asked her. 498 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,400 Speaker 1: I said she was complaining about a relationships. I said, 499 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:20,960 Speaker 1: if you were to give you a relationship a grade 500 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:25,480 Speaker 1: from A to F, what would it be? And she said, well, 501 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 1: probably a B minus. I said, oh my gosh, you 502 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,640 Speaker 1: realize how people have been married for fifty years when 503 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,920 Speaker 1: A see and if I got to be minus in school, 504 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:39,720 Speaker 1: I'd be celebrating. So that sounds pretty damn good. Be minus. Hey, 505 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:45,240 Speaker 1: we're having a party. Yeah, Oh my gosh. It's perspective. 506 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,959 Speaker 1: It's all perspective. Do you like doing merrit at first sight? 507 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,880 Speaker 1: Because I mean it's it's so fun. I I really do. 508 00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:55,919 Speaker 1: It's you know, and probably for a different reason. Uh, 509 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,520 Speaker 1: it's not. It's not the TV. TV is great, you know, 510 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,240 Speaker 1: but it's not just that when you when you have 511 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:05,720 Speaker 1: I think right now we have about sixteen successful individuals, 512 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,480 Speaker 1: you know, we have like eight babies. I mean that 513 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:15,400 Speaker 1: is the kind of stuff that just were like making families. Man, 514 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:19,200 Speaker 1: and Jamie Otis was on Married at First Sight, right, Yeah, 515 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: we're friends on Instagram. She's a sweetheart and I and 516 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,720 Speaker 1: I'm just like, wow, that's so crazy that that actually works, 517 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,760 Speaker 1: you know. And you're that's a lot better than the 518 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:31,760 Speaker 1: Bachelor Bachelor, right, So yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna brochade, 519 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:35,199 Speaker 1: but you're absolutely right, we're knocking them out the water. 520 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,640 Speaker 1: But it's great. And then do you have how many kids? 521 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:43,560 Speaker 1: Do you have? Three? Have three? So because you know, 522 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:46,960 Speaker 1: you're so aware and I've shoot, I've done a lot 523 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,840 Speaker 1: of childhood work and realizing how what how that has 524 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:53,200 Speaker 1: brought into my adult life and I've been so mindful 525 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,080 Speaker 1: of like, Okay, what what is going to be my 526 00:28:55,240 --> 00:29:00,000 Speaker 1: part that I play in my children's life now with um, 527 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,560 Speaker 1: their traumas that I'm gonna I got, I'm gonna have 528 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:04,240 Speaker 1: to probably bring something that I don't know if it's 529 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:05,840 Speaker 1: not going to be the divorce or whatever, but is 530 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,440 Speaker 1: there something that are you mindful of ways that you 531 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:12,920 Speaker 1: communicate with your kids so that, um, they're not going 532 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:19,440 Speaker 1: to be sitting in therapy. It's just talking about y'all. Yes, 533 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:25,240 Speaker 1: they might still be sitting in therapy. But god, you know, 534 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:27,600 Speaker 1: it's kind of funny because you know, I have I 535 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,959 Speaker 1: have a you know, two millennials and and one who 536 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,280 Speaker 1: is just outside outside that that are or somewhere, and 537 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 1: I don't know they are, but but it's a whole 538 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:43,880 Speaker 1: different way of thinking. I I don't understand them anymore. 539 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,880 Speaker 1: But yeah, but you know, but yeah, you're absolutely right. 540 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:51,280 Speaker 1: I tried to pour as much openness and honesty and 541 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:55,720 Speaker 1: kindness and understand again them so that they they can 542 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 1: you know, have some kind of balance and success. As 543 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:02,080 Speaker 1: a matter of fact, it's funny because I guess all 544 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:05,440 Speaker 1: three of them come to me when they're having issues 545 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 1: and challenges and we sit down and they do talk 546 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:09,800 Speaker 1: about their their issues. You know, Dad, what do you 547 00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:12,200 Speaker 1: think about this? How do you pass rewarding you know, 548 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:19,320 Speaker 1: so so like open communication, keep the keep the open. 549 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:21,720 Speaker 1: And then for for those of us that are in 550 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:26,280 Speaker 1: the dating world, what do what do you recommend for? 551 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:29,360 Speaker 1: For that? I gotta I gotta hear it. Girl? Do 552 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:32,280 Speaker 1: you do? You? Do you? Okay? You marry you? You're 553 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:36,400 Speaker 1: you're singing? Do you have a checklist? I have boxes? Okay, 554 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:41,080 Speaker 1: you have boxes to be checked, Yes, the check but okay, 555 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:43,600 Speaker 1: but you know it's like the list is like this, 556 00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:45,360 Speaker 1: and then I have like they're like boxes. That's how 557 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:51,320 Speaker 1: I visually. Oh man, I guess I've never really um uh, well, 558 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,960 Speaker 1: they don't go any and I'm not gonna won't go 559 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:55,640 Speaker 1: through the list. Okay, fine, I don't know. Let's say 560 00:30:55,720 --> 00:31:00,880 Speaker 1: like between five to ten, so too many five thinking boxes? 561 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:06,640 Speaker 1: I would say, what's the right answers? The right answer 562 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:12,360 Speaker 1: I want to be I would say that if you know, 563 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:15,479 Speaker 1: and this is not just for you, but anyone who 564 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 1: has checklists or boxes or any of that, um, I 565 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:27,080 Speaker 1: would say destroy them. No, what I would say, destroy 566 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:31,160 Speaker 1: your boxes, destroy your Let me tell you something first 567 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:33,440 Speaker 1: of all, and you're you're okay because you you you've 568 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,320 Speaker 1: been married before. Yes, and you've gone through something. I 569 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 1: would bet you that some of your boxes are based 570 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:45,200 Speaker 1: on what you've gone through. I'm gone, I'm with you. 571 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:48,880 Speaker 1: I get that. But here's the thing you create. You've 572 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,400 Speaker 1: created boxes. And again it's not just you, but most 573 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:55,360 Speaker 1: people create boxes based on what they've seen, based on 574 00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,480 Speaker 1: what they've experienced and said, you know what, I don't 575 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,200 Speaker 1: want that. And here's the problem. You may meet someone 576 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:05,280 Speaker 1: who might remind you of something from your past, and 577 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:08,680 Speaker 1: immediately you'll dismiss them because they remind you from something 578 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:12,000 Speaker 1: of their past, of your past. But you know, I 579 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,640 Speaker 1: learned this when I actually sat with the therapist after 580 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:20,160 Speaker 1: my first marriage, and the therapist told me this. She said, cal, 581 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:22,880 Speaker 1: you're gonna meet people who remind you of what you 582 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 1: went through. What I need you to do is to 583 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:31,480 Speaker 1: ignore that, okay, because here's the thing. There are some 584 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,280 Speaker 1: things that are peculiar to limit There are some things 585 00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:37,240 Speaker 1: that are peculiar to all men. And what you're doing 586 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:40,520 Speaker 1: now is you're just just taking up making a blanket 587 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:45,480 Speaker 1: statement about all people. Because because you have too many girlfriends, 588 00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:48,360 Speaker 1: too many female friends, or you have you know, you 589 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:52,400 Speaker 1: don't listen. You kind of talk when I'm talking or 590 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 1: you or you have all these things that come from 591 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: your past. You're constantly dismissing people. These are probably things 592 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,280 Speaker 1: that are fixable. They may not been fixable with your ex, 593 00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:01,640 Speaker 1: but they're stable with you. They might be fixable with 594 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:04,719 Speaker 1: this next person. So tell people often is that if 595 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:06,920 Speaker 1: you have a checklist, forget it. When I did, I 596 00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:08,440 Speaker 1: did a couple of years of law school before I 597 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:11,360 Speaker 1: twit and hated it. But when I was in law school, 598 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,040 Speaker 1: the first day I professor told us, he said, some 599 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,800 Speaker 1: of you have taken political science. Raise your hand. Some 600 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:18,760 Speaker 1: of you have parents who attorney is. Raise your hand. 601 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:20,720 Speaker 1: They all did. Some of you may have worked in 602 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:22,960 Speaker 1: law firms. Raiser and they are Some of others did. 603 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,080 Speaker 1: He said, So some of you might think you know 604 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,400 Speaker 1: some things about the law right and some raise your hand. 605 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,960 Speaker 1: He said, you know nothing. Forget everything you've learned, because 606 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,480 Speaker 1: what you're going to learn he is completely different. This 607 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,480 Speaker 1: is nothing like you've ever experienced. And I think that 608 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:40,000 Speaker 1: every marriage has that element. The next marriage is nothing 609 00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:43,040 Speaker 1: like the last one. It's this marriage that I have now, 610 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,760 Speaker 1: Oh my god, like it's nothing like my ex, my 611 00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,480 Speaker 1: last man. And so I had to have a completely 612 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,400 Speaker 1: open mind. For single people out there, you have to 613 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:54,520 Speaker 1: have a completely open mind. You honestly have to start 614 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:58,200 Speaker 1: with a blank slate and give everybody a clear new 615 00:33:58,280 --> 00:34:02,000 Speaker 1: chance of impressing you without any expectations. I love that 616 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,960 Speaker 1: and I just realized this. I was like, Oh, you 617 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:08,960 Speaker 1: guys must have co parented done with the older kids. Yes, yes, 618 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:13,040 Speaker 1: yes we're yes, we're blended fan. So was that difficult? 619 00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,560 Speaker 1: And what's the best advice for you know, my my 620 00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:19,879 Speaker 1: co parenting situation, because it can, it has its ups 621 00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:23,560 Speaker 1: and downs. It's co parenting ain't for punks either. Let 622 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:27,480 Speaker 1: me tell you that too. Yeah, call me, are we 623 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:32,720 Speaker 1: gonna We're gonna have a conversation. Co Parenting is tough. 624 00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:35,080 Speaker 1: But here's the thing, and this is whether you're co 625 00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:38,000 Speaker 1: parenting or parenting, or whether you're both of the biological parents. 626 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:41,520 Speaker 1: I tell people, first of all, never, this is going 627 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 1: to be a little tough. Never put your children above 628 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 1: your spouse. Never put your children. Never put your children 629 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:53,000 Speaker 1: about the ex spouse or the No, I love your 630 00:34:53,040 --> 00:35:00,200 Speaker 1: current spouse. Why what I think that's that's always I 631 00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:03,279 Speaker 1: was going to stop and let the marinate per sect. No, 632 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:04,880 Speaker 1: I need to what do you like my kids are 633 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:08,680 Speaker 1: my Your kids are your world, absolutely and they should 634 00:35:08,719 --> 00:35:12,239 Speaker 1: be right now because you're a single parent. Well, once 635 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:14,759 Speaker 1: you get married. This is what children, This is what 636 00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:18,160 Speaker 1: I found the children need. I love how you let 637 00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:25,799 Speaker 1: that man for a minute. Uh, this is what children need. 638 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,759 Speaker 1: Children need first of all, parents who are happy with 639 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:34,839 Speaker 1: each other. Mhm. Children need parents who are communicating, who 640 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:40,879 Speaker 1: are vulnerable, who argue and make up, and so they 641 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,239 Speaker 1: can see that entire progression of having a conflict and 642 00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:46,040 Speaker 1: then knowing how to get out of that conflict and 643 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 1: then seeing you happy again. I think that's one of 644 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,480 Speaker 1: the healthiest things for children. Things for children is to 645 00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:52,720 Speaker 1: see for them to see that their parents are normal, 646 00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:55,120 Speaker 1: that they're happy, and that they were in love, and 647 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,120 Speaker 1: that they they are a unified front. And I think 648 00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:00,520 Speaker 1: that what I've seen quite often is it when when 649 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:04,160 Speaker 1: when I see either biological or co parenting situations where 650 00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:07,160 Speaker 1: people have put their children above their parents, the children 651 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:11,239 Speaker 1: have to choose between whether or not they're going to 652 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:14,640 Speaker 1: be Uh where where where? Yeah? Where parents have put 653 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:17,879 Speaker 1: their children above Yeah. Well you know what I'm saying. 654 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:25,600 Speaker 1: Children to choose between almost like, well, mom is putting 655 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,799 Speaker 1: me again over dad, So then where do I fit 656 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:32,359 Speaker 1: in this thing? Because if if mom is looking at 657 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:36,840 Speaker 1: me as more important than Dad, then I must be 658 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,960 Speaker 1: more important to dad, and then I'm going to treat 659 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:44,960 Speaker 1: Dad accordingly. Or if Dad is putting mom thinks Paul, 660 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:47,520 Speaker 1: mom is more important than me, then I must be 661 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,160 Speaker 1: more important than mom. And I've seen this. I've seen 662 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:54,920 Speaker 1: it where I've seen fathers place a higher estimation on 663 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:58,080 Speaker 1: their children than they do their wives. And the children start, 664 00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:02,919 Speaker 1: the children start treating their mothers like the father does. 665 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:07,040 Speaker 1: M hm. You know, children don't want to be above 666 00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:10,640 Speaker 1: their parents. Children don't want they don't want to be 667 00:37:10,719 --> 00:37:12,960 Speaker 1: valued higher than their parents. They want their parents to 668 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:15,960 Speaker 1: be like little gods. They want their parents to be 669 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:19,440 Speaker 1: higher than them. That gives them security, It gives them 670 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:20,920 Speaker 1: that kind of feeling that you know, I have someone 671 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:25,080 Speaker 1: who can protect me. And if both parents are realizing that, hey, 672 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:28,279 Speaker 1: we are the leaders of this room. We are the 673 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:31,400 Speaker 1: ones who are taking care of you, and we're always 674 00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:35,080 Speaker 1: a united front and irrespectable. What you bring to the table, 675 00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:39,120 Speaker 1: we're gonna be in sync on it, and we're going 676 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:41,080 Speaker 1: to be the ones who you will never be able 677 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:44,080 Speaker 1: to separate us. We'll go through our crap, will argue, 678 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:46,160 Speaker 1: will be okay, but we're going to be your parents. 679 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:48,200 Speaker 1: We're going to be in charge. We're the ones who 680 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:50,520 Speaker 1: are superior. And I hate to say that that way, 681 00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,799 Speaker 1: but that's the way it is. Children want that. No, 682 00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:55,399 Speaker 1: it makes that makes sense. I've always you know, I've 683 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,640 Speaker 1: always heard that in like your marriage and then like 684 00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:00,600 Speaker 1: the biological parents. You know, obviously it's like you know, 685 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,200 Speaker 1: I've always I believe it's God and then your spouse 686 00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:06,040 Speaker 1: and then your kids. But it's interesting going into a 687 00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:10,439 Speaker 1: new marriage with kids where it's a stepparent. That's where 688 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:12,279 Speaker 1: I think it could get a little bit tricky. It's like, 689 00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:15,720 Speaker 1: now these are my kids, but like putting him first. 690 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,360 Speaker 1: So that's where it would be more of a challenge, 691 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,360 Speaker 1: I feel like. And the first thing you have to 692 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:25,399 Speaker 1: do is eliminate step you know. I I came into 693 00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:31,280 Speaker 1: my daughter's life when she was seven and she's twenty 694 00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:36,240 Speaker 1: one now, and I have she I have never presented 695 00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:40,800 Speaker 1: myself as her stepdad. I'm never calling myself for a stepdad, 696 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:45,280 Speaker 1: and she has never seen me as her stepdad. I'm 697 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,839 Speaker 1: her dad as far as she's concerned. Now that she 698 00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:51,080 Speaker 1: she has a biological father, she calls him also, you know, 699 00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:53,719 Speaker 1: she refers to him as daddy, But I am her 700 00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:56,080 Speaker 1: biological Well, I tell her, I I joke around and 701 00:38:56,120 --> 00:39:00,600 Speaker 1: tell her I'm a biological dad. That's me. But it's okay. 702 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:04,600 Speaker 1: I'm sure her dad doesn't listen to this, but I 703 00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:09,879 Speaker 1: am her dad. And even with her, she understands that 704 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:12,399 Speaker 1: I can't get between you and mom. I mean, I've 705 00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:14,280 Speaker 1: heard the boys say that I never here to say, Okay, 706 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,160 Speaker 1: I know that whatever I say to you, you're gonna tell, 707 00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,920 Speaker 1: You're gonna tell, you know, mom whatever, whatever, because and 708 00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:23,600 Speaker 1: they realized, you know that, hey, it's us against them always, 709 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,440 Speaker 1: even even with the biological children. But you need to 710 00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,160 Speaker 1: parents who are going to be who are going to 711 00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:32,000 Speaker 1: be honest and open with these children. I mean, I 712 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:36,400 Speaker 1: would never treat my my my daughter, my non biological 713 00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:40,200 Speaker 1: daughter any lesson I treat the boys. I just wouldn't 714 00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:42,440 Speaker 1: for sure. I mean, I love her like she's like 715 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,240 Speaker 1: I was there in the in the in the delivery 716 00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:49,400 Speaker 1: bo and in your book. Uh, what can readers expect 717 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:52,600 Speaker 1: when they read Mary Jane for Punks? They can expect 718 00:39:53,080 --> 00:40:01,399 Speaker 1: a very straightforward, hard hitting realistically of marriage. It's not 719 00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:05,360 Speaker 1: it's not the kind of book that glosses over the 720 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:09,360 Speaker 1: tough issues. Um, we were in the book. We're talking 721 00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:14,440 Speaker 1: about boundaries. I'll give it. I'll give a little example, Okay, Um, 722 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,279 Speaker 1: one story, this is a little is gonna be I'm 723 00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:18,680 Speaker 1: giving a little a little a little depth there is 724 00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:21,040 Speaker 1: might be a little deep. But I talked about we 725 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,120 Speaker 1: don't get deep at all on this podcast, so it's fine, 726 00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:26,760 Speaker 1: don't worry about it. I talked about one story where 727 00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:31,319 Speaker 1: the wife and the bride and groom they married and 728 00:40:31,320 --> 00:40:35,040 Speaker 1: they were a biracial couple, interracial couple. Well he was okay, 729 00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:36,719 Speaker 1: he was black and she was white, whatever you call that. 730 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:44,480 Speaker 1: So they got married. I don't know what they they 731 00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:49,040 Speaker 1: got married, but they got married against their parents wishes, um, 732 00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,680 Speaker 1: and they were Um. They were married, and they were 733 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,520 Speaker 1: enjoying life and everything. They felt that love could conquer 734 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:58,480 Speaker 1: all that all we need is love, and so they 735 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:00,880 Speaker 1: married each other, they had a baby. They were just 736 00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:04,759 Speaker 1: enjoying life until one day he came home. You know, 737 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:07,200 Speaker 1: he's black and she's white. He came home and he 738 00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,080 Speaker 1: was pretty upset about something that happened at work, and 739 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:12,640 Speaker 1: he felt as though he was he was discriminated against 740 00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:17,080 Speaker 1: Well she um. She responded and said, well you sure. 741 00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,960 Speaker 1: He said, well, yeah, I'm sure. She said, well, what 742 00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:24,040 Speaker 1: do you mean, maybe it was something else? Maybe said no, 743 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,520 Speaker 1: I know, because others got this and I didn't get this. 744 00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:29,640 Speaker 1: And so he wanted her to understand that, and she 745 00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:33,240 Speaker 1: she had was a counterpoint, which was fine. And then 746 00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:36,000 Speaker 1: in the middle of their arguing, he said, well, you 747 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:38,359 Speaker 1: don't understand because your privilege, you never had to deal 748 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:40,120 Speaker 1: with this, and she she said, well why, well, why 749 00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:46,080 Speaker 1: are you acting like an N word? Oh? Yeah, that's 750 00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:50,160 Speaker 1: the beginning of the chapter. Oh, oh, my gosh. And 751 00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:52,920 Speaker 1: then she called me, this is an actual situation. I 752 00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:57,600 Speaker 1: changed all the names protectically, but this is an actual story. 753 00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:00,239 Speaker 1: And so I got a phone call saying, hey, eight, 754 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,120 Speaker 1: can you come help us. Our marriage is about the 755 00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:07,239 Speaker 1: fall apart because he walked out, and and so then 756 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,000 Speaker 1: the rest of that chapter I show how we were 757 00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:13,160 Speaker 1: able to establish boundaries and how we were able to 758 00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:16,520 Speaker 1: resolve those issues. And every chapter starts with a story 759 00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:21,160 Speaker 1: about a couple, whether it's infidelity, whether it's bad communication, 760 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:24,279 Speaker 1: whether it's I don't know, co parenting, or what have you. 761 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:28,320 Speaker 1: Each chapter starts with a real life story or loosely 762 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:30,520 Speaker 1: based on a real life situation because I can't I 763 00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:33,080 Speaker 1: can't tell every about business, but it's based on a 764 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:36,319 Speaker 1: real life situation. And then throughout that chapter I show 765 00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:39,960 Speaker 1: you how we resolve those issues. Wow. Well, I just 766 00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:42,160 Speaker 1: cannot thank you enough for coming on the show. I 767 00:42:42,200 --> 00:42:45,200 Speaker 1: can't wait to read the book. And um, where can 768 00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:48,360 Speaker 1: our listeners find you? You can find me on Instagram. 769 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,640 Speaker 1: I am Calvin Robertson. Uh. You can buy the book 770 00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:54,000 Speaker 1: wherever books are sold. And let me just say that 771 00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:56,360 Speaker 1: book is for everyone, because I think when I was 772 00:42:56,400 --> 00:43:00,560 Speaker 1: writing it, I intentionally wrote it for married people, single 773 00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:03,320 Speaker 1: people who are thinking about getting married, people who are divorced. 774 00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:06,040 Speaker 1: Whatever stage you're in, you're going to find something in 775 00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:08,400 Speaker 1: this book. Even if you want to know how to 776 00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:13,240 Speaker 1: how to remove yourself from certain people. Uh, and still 777 00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:17,160 Speaker 1: remains silk everyone. I just want to say, wherever you 778 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:20,520 Speaker 1: are in your in the spectrum of relationships, the book 779 00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:23,520 Speaker 1: will we'll have something for you. That's awesome. Well, thank 780 00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:24,920 Speaker 1: you so much for coming on the show. This is 781 00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:28,000 Speaker 1: the true joy. So thank you. It was such a pleasure. 782 00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:33,000 Speaker 1: Thank you guys. You did great. Thank you so much. 783 00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,960 Speaker 1: Thank you. You're so sweet. I love your energy. Thank you. 784 00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:39,879 Speaker 1: This is you guys are awesome. Thank you you guys. 785 00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:57,160 Speaker 1: Right bye? Oh god, I loved him going to buy 786 00:43:57,200 --> 00:44:03,200 Speaker 1: the book, being up on the book. Yes, uh no, 787 00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:05,399 Speaker 1: that was good because that's gotta be tough. I mean, 788 00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:08,359 Speaker 1: you didn't marry so young that you have to be 789 00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:10,960 Speaker 1: totally different than the girl that you married, that that 790 00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:12,839 Speaker 1: he you know that he married. Yeah, I mean that's 791 00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:14,920 Speaker 1: such a good point, like you realize that. But like 792 00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:16,880 Speaker 1: him saying it, I was like, oh, yeah, like I 793 00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,759 Speaker 1: know I've changed as I'm twenty, but like it's such 794 00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:21,920 Speaker 1: a good point. How much you change in those he changes, 795 00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:26,640 Speaker 1: I change, and how do you reconnect like new people essentially, 796 00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:30,120 Speaker 1: which is crazy. I don't know, it's a lot, but yeah, 797 00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:31,759 Speaker 1: would it be too much for you to read the 798 00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:36,399 Speaker 1: book together? Hey? You know what I'm with, cal I think, 799 00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:42,239 Speaker 1: you know, the personal therapy on our own, on our own, 800 00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:44,680 Speaker 1: and then some couples therapy. I think it is probably 801 00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:49,799 Speaker 1: are we doing individual therapy? I gotta call Okay, I'm 802 00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:52,800 Speaker 1: proud of you. That's like we've done it before. To 803 00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:55,080 Speaker 1: just spen a long time. But he brought up a 804 00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:58,000 Speaker 1: really really great point. Sometimes it's not about the other person. 805 00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:03,279 Speaker 1: It's about yourself, which I you know, I've acknowledged about myself. Yeah. 806 00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:06,120 Speaker 1: It's so hard though, but when you do, it's good. 807 00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:11,200 Speaker 1: You start to not point the finger and shoot, it's 808 00:45:11,239 --> 00:45:12,600 Speaker 1: time for me to look in the mirror. That's not 809 00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:17,680 Speaker 1: fun times. Um A well fun show. And oh we're 810 00:45:17,719 --> 00:45:20,600 Speaker 1: going to be in Vegas this weekend. I'm so excited 811 00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:25,640 Speaker 1: and you're coming with me girlfriends, so uh, let's let's 812 00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:29,160 Speaker 1: take some wine for this one. Yes, yeah, okay, it'll 813 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:37,080 Speaker 1: be fine. I can't wait. Fine,