Speaker 1: On God. Sometimes you just gotta let shape go. Facts.
Speaker 1: I mean, ship called me Elsa. Why am I calling hello? Frozen?
Speaker 1: Let me go? Let go? No, you didn't get it.
Speaker 1: We don't. Yeah, we don't be watching that ship, all right,
Speaker 1: dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You
Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
Speaker 1: as is the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take pillow talk to our whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: Ass starts right now. Sometimes, when when it's time to
Speaker 1: let things go, it'd be hard for you to let
Speaker 1: it go because it's people you love. For example, everybody
Speaker 1: knows my brother Brian is my best friend. Right. I
Speaker 1: retired from the NFL in two thousand, who incidentally, he
Speaker 1: graduated from college in the same year. So we moved
Speaker 1: back to the apartment together. We were living together. Uh,
Speaker 1: it was almost like we were the odd couple. I
Speaker 1: hadn't lived with my brother since I was eighteen, he
Speaker 1: was sixteen, and at that point we couldn't live together.
Speaker 1: I was downstairs in our parents basement. He was upstairs
Speaker 1: because we shared a room our whole lives and we
Speaker 1: we couldn't stand each other during that time. But now
Speaker 1: it's like, you know what, we're back together. Let's make
Speaker 1: this work. We're talking about building. You know, I had
Speaker 1: lost my job here, graduate from college. You didn't want
Speaker 1: to move back in my parents. I wasn't married. Jet
Speaker 1: Canina and I were engaged. We could use the additional income,
Speaker 1: so we was like, you know, let's have roommates. So
Speaker 1: we moved in with my brother Brian and Sharif and
Speaker 1: at the time we were doing the big guys I
Speaker 1: think about it. So my brother and I started a
Speaker 1: company called a Lead Prototype Athletics, Incorporated, and we were
Speaker 1: doing extremely well. At the same time, there were problems
Speaker 1: at home. When I talked about problems at home, I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about Codeina and I talking about me and
Speaker 1: my brother. This was my apartment, right. I paid the
Speaker 1: most of the bills, paid the heat, paid the gas.
Speaker 1: And since he was a young guy, it was almost
Speaker 1: like he was kind of like my son, even though
Speaker 1: he wasn't my son. So he'd be coming in the
Speaker 1: house late from being out and I'd be sitting that up.
Speaker 1: Let me sitting up and like, yo, bro, how are
Speaker 1: you not gonna text me? You coming in? I got
Speaker 1: a son in here, and my wife isn't here, and
Speaker 1: you're just walking here three if all o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 1: He's looking at me like, dude, I'm grown as man.
Speaker 1: And then I sounded like my father. You know they
Speaker 1: growing as man looking living in my house if you're
Speaker 1: growing ass man living in your own apartment. So I
Speaker 1: was like, you know what this this isn't working. Simultaneously,
Speaker 1: we're still building this company. The company is doing well,
Speaker 1: so it's almost like you're working with someone and you
Speaker 1: you're living with him. It's like we were married. One day,
Speaker 1: he was going to I think the movies, going to
Speaker 1: the movies, and me and Kate were leaving to go
Speaker 1: somewhere and I go into the bathroom after he's left,
Speaker 1: and it's hair in the sink, and you know, I
Speaker 1: hate when it's hearing this sink, right, So I called
Speaker 1: mysel Brian, Yo, just hearing the bathroom sink. He says,
Speaker 1: it's not mine, hangs up the phone. So now I'm pissed. Okay,
Speaker 1: now I'm pissed because I know it ain't my here
Speaker 1: because I wasn't there when I cut my own here.
Speaker 1: If I cut my left it, I would have been there,
Speaker 1: but I wasn't, so I knew it was mine. So
Speaker 1: I went into his room and I found out bush. No,
Speaker 1: it wasn't yours. I found a brush that he used
Speaker 1: after he cut his hair, and I shook the brush
Speaker 1: out over the sink. You know, it came out hair.
Speaker 1: So I called him back. I said, Brian, you're a liar.
Speaker 1: He said, what do you mean. I said, there's a
Speaker 1: brush in your room. He screamed, you went in my room?
Speaker 1: I said, yes, How are you gonna go in my room?
Speaker 1: I said, because this is my apartment. You pay partial
Speaker 1: rent for this one room, but as the owner of
Speaker 1: the apartment, I have the right to go in any
Speaker 1: room I want, and you own technically at the door. Yes,
Speaker 1: I owned the door, and I owned the door in
Speaker 1: that part of the room as well, so I could
Speaker 1: open it whenever I want. So I was like, yo,
Speaker 1: you gotta come back and clean out the sink. Somebody
Speaker 1: cleaning it up. So he ignored me on the phone,
Speaker 1: ignored me. So me, being the petty person I am,
Speaker 1: I fired him from the company and I dissolved the company,
Speaker 1: noting the relationship and work it was all toxic. It
Speaker 1: was bad, it was back, it was all toxic. I
Speaker 1: fired him from the company. I dissolved the company. I
Speaker 1: gave him his share in the severance package, and I
Speaker 1: continued to move on by myself. Yes, because this year
Speaker 1: they're working on top of that, I made it move out.
Speaker 1: You cannot live with me thinking you can do everything
Speaker 1: you want to do on your terms, and I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna stand for it. So me and my brother went
Speaker 1: completely separate ways after about two years of building that company.
Speaker 1: And you know what happened after that. He went back
Speaker 1: to college, got his master's degree, became a tennis teacher,
Speaker 1: and started making more money ever made in his life,
Speaker 1: something that he wasn't doing during the time because kind
Speaker 1: of had a little bit of a crutch right. He
Speaker 1: was living at home with his older brother, didn't have
Speaker 1: to pay as much in rank and come and go
Speaker 1: as he pleased. But then when he moved out and
Speaker 1: that rent went from paying five hundred dollars a month
Speaker 1: for that room to three thousand dollars a month for
Speaker 1: that rent, it's time to really get focused in life, real,
Speaker 1: real quick. And for me, it allowed me to release
Speaker 1: being an older brother and feeling like I had to
Speaker 1: I had to be there for him, which kind of
Speaker 1: made him feel entitled to do whatever he wanted to
Speaker 1: do because he felt like I was always there. And
Speaker 1: plus I had to refocus because now I had a
Speaker 1: son and I had a wife. We had just recently
Speaker 1: got married, So it allowed both of us to grow
Speaker 1: by separating from each other. And I noticed in that
Speaker 1: moment that sometimes it isn't the best interest for both
Speaker 1: parties to just let things go. I got little remix.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna sing a song, and it's not really the
Speaker 1: words of the song of the melody. You'll remember, all right,
Speaker 1: shout out to Tony Braxon. I believe let it go,
Speaker 1: letting go, letting google, let go. It's definitely let it flow,
Speaker 1: is it? Yeah? It's been sound better everything out. I mean,
Speaker 1: I guess you can't work out Rod and new lit
Speaker 1: Goo and know her boys be deep? She singing that deep?
Speaker 1: I mean she might have let it go mixed in
Speaker 1: with the flow. I mean when I let go with
Speaker 1: my brother's things started. Alright, I'm down for the remix
Speaker 1: then ship. All right, well, let's go on. One thing
Speaker 1: we can't remix is these bills, because the bills is
Speaker 1: gonna bill. So we want to take a quick break
Speaker 1: and get back to the meat of the show. Stick around,
Speaker 1: all right, So al right, back to story time. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you all. First of all, Okay, having roommates, baby,
Speaker 1: it's like having a roommate who's a stranger is one thing,
Speaker 1: right you think about college roommates getting into your norm
Speaker 1: room first time, moving in that already it's like a
Speaker 1: learning curve. I knew when I moved in with my
Speaker 1: roommate my first year at Hotstrat that I had to
Speaker 1: do everything in my power to have my own four walls.
Speaker 1: I don't care if my room was going to be
Speaker 1: eight by eight by eight. Yeah that means is that anyway?
Speaker 1: For eight for eights it was mine, my four walls right,
Speaker 1: But then when you add the layer of a family
Speaker 1: member who you genuinely care about absolutely, and I think
Speaker 1: in any moment when you decide to move a family
Speaker 1: member into your home or your space, it's naturally because
Speaker 1: you're saying, Okay, I want to assist this person or
Speaker 1: help this person get on their feet, or you know,
Speaker 1: all parties involved. Because we benefited from that as well too.
Speaker 1: You know, Brian have a trief at one point living
Speaker 1: with us, like that apartment was the place where we
Speaker 1: all kind of started, we started to build. It was like,
Speaker 1: fresh out of college, what's the best way to most
Speaker 1: cost effectively exist and build. That's what all college students
Speaker 1: would do too. If you have a group of friends
Speaker 1: that once you get out into the real world, if
Speaker 1: you don't want to take on all that responsibility of
Speaker 1: paying all the bills, share an apartment, share the bills,
Speaker 1: put extra money away in and put yourselves on like
Speaker 1: a five year plan to say, after five years, if
Speaker 1: I say, for example, an addition to a thousand dollars
Speaker 1: a month, that's twelve tho dollars a year, that's sixty
Speaker 1: dollars over the course of five years, you can put
Speaker 1: it down payment on a home, your own condo, an apartment,
Speaker 1: and have your own space. But at least you can
Speaker 1: do it in a way where you feel safe and
Speaker 1: secure and not trying to make ends meet all the
Speaker 1: time when you have roommates. Absolutely until you leave here
Speaker 1: in the sink and then what so let me let's
Speaker 1: let's unpack that, right, and this is important, this is important, right.
Speaker 1: I chose this story to tell because my brother and I, like,
Speaker 1: you don't get closer to someone than someone you grew
Speaker 1: up within the house. Right, Me and Brian are two
Speaker 1: years apart. We did everything together. I don't remember life
Speaker 1: without my brother. So you would figure that living with
Speaker 1: someone that you lived with growing up would be easy,
Speaker 1: right you would You would think that. Right on top
Speaker 1: of that, we started a business together. And I use
Speaker 1: that as an example because marriage is too part. Right,
Speaker 1: it's the emotional spiritual part of friendship part, but then
Speaker 1: it's also the business. Right with my brother, I felt
Speaker 1: almost like it was a marriage. We were living together,
Speaker 1: so you have that marriage emotional spiritual part together as
Speaker 1: my brother, but we officially had a business together that
Speaker 1: we were working on together. I learned during that time
Speaker 1: that just like with you, everybody has their own process,
Speaker 1: regardless of if they grew up in the same house.
Speaker 1: He and I went to separate middle school, separate high school,
Speaker 1: separate colleges, so we all we had different experiences in
Speaker 1: life which caused us to be very different people. When
Speaker 1: trying to live with someone, you start to realize all
Speaker 1: their little quirks and you have to make a decision
Speaker 1: on does this really work for me and does this
Speaker 1: really work for us? Well, you know what I think
Speaker 1: the issue was too. When you work with someone who,
Speaker 1: in turn, you have to go home to at night,
Speaker 1: usually when you clock out of work, your escape from
Speaker 1: work his home, your escape from having to talk about
Speaker 1: anything work related is you can have a cut off time,
Speaker 1: you know. But when you have a family member or spouse,
Speaker 1: like for example, you and I, we have moments where
Speaker 1: the lines get blurred too, because it's just like ship.
Speaker 1: Like right now, I want to talk to my husband,
Speaker 1: not my co worker, my co host, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I just want to speak to my husband,
Speaker 1: who I have the emotional attachment to, not the business
Speaker 1: attachment to. I think that's what happened with you and
Speaker 1: Brian White kind of strange. Your relationship in that moment too,
Speaker 1: because it's like your brother who you used to just
Speaker 1: kind of like shooting ship with and doing fun things with.
Speaker 1: Now you're having resentment because why his process is not
Speaker 1: like yours. And it's something that we had an issue
Speaker 1: with two workers you know together. But but I don't
Speaker 1: think it only happens with work though. I think it
Speaker 1: even happens with married couples who don't even work together. Right,
Speaker 1: So for example, you're you're my best friend. We do
Speaker 1: a lot of friends ship things together. Even if we
Speaker 1: didn't work together, we still have the parent together. Parenting
Speaker 1: is a whole different job. It's like when I'm speaking
Speaker 1: to you now, when you only want to talk about
Speaker 1: the kids, is very similar to only talking about work.
Speaker 1: What if we don't have kids, what if you want
Speaker 1: to you want to focus on old thing, on another business, right,
Speaker 1: and you always want to talk about work once. Sometimes
Speaker 1: one partner is like I just don't want to do
Speaker 1: I want my friend right now in this moment. I
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about the marriage. I don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about counseling. I don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: the kids. I don't want to talk about business on
Speaker 1: top of that people's lifestyle be different. Right, Brian was
Speaker 1: just coming back from college. He was used to being
Speaker 1: in and out on his own terms, on his own time,
Speaker 1: and he was paying rent. I had a wife at
Speaker 1: home and I had a son at home. I'm not
Speaker 1: used to someone else being in my space, coming in
Speaker 1: and out. So there is no right and wrong in
Speaker 1: that situation. It's just a difference of lifestyle. And it
Speaker 1: didn't work collectively for the two rights because it for
Speaker 1: you it was a safety thing. You were like, Yo,
Speaker 1: when I locked my doors at night in my house
Speaker 1: and I'm expecting to sleep soundly because if I hear
Speaker 1: some rattling at the door, nobody might get their head
Speaker 1: taken off, you know. So it became like it's a
Speaker 1: safety thing. You were like, Yo, you have to let
Speaker 1: me know if anyone's coming in and out of here
Speaker 1: at random time, just because you know, I need to know, um.
Speaker 1: And you can't sleep sound in your own house when
Speaker 1: you know that's happening, you know, um. But stay in
Speaker 1: your familiar places. Situations and relationships kind of gives people comfort.
Speaker 1: And I think people rely on comfort a lot in
Speaker 1: these situations because why they don't want to make it uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: So that uncomfortable conversation that you then had to have
Speaker 1: with your brother, it's like, how did you decipher how
Speaker 1: am I gonna How am I going to roll this
Speaker 1: out to him? Without it being from a petty standpoint,
Speaker 1: because people might think, oh, ship, like now you want
Speaker 1: to dissolve the business because he left here in the
Speaker 1: sink at home, Like was that really worth it? But no,
Speaker 1: you guys had already had differences and how you wanted
Speaker 1: to roll out the business plan and how the work
Speaker 1: was divided. So I think it was a compounded amount
Speaker 1: of things that really got you to the decision. It
Speaker 1: wasn't just like it wasn't up and wanted to just
Speaker 1: have a tantrum and dissolve the business. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1: I was that was a joke as far as me
Speaker 1: being petty and dissolving the business. But it really was,
Speaker 1: um something that he and I had to sit down
Speaker 1: with and decide what was best for us as brothers
Speaker 1: because it got to a point where, um, the tension
Speaker 1: was so bad in the house. We would both show
Speaker 1: up to our parents house as we typically did after
Speaker 1: going to the gym, because that was a neutral site.
Speaker 1: And we didn't speak to each other. We didn't talk,
Speaker 1: you know, And Um, I learned a lot about myself
Speaker 1: during that process that I like things a certain way
Speaker 1: and even if you're my best friend, that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that we have to work together because you like things
Speaker 1: in a certain way as well, you like things differently,
Speaker 1: and that that brings me to um the topic in
Speaker 1: general of letting it go, right, letting it go doesn't
Speaker 1: only mean, you know, with your friends or your family,
Speaker 1: but it could also mean divorce. Right. You and I
Speaker 1: never ever talk about divorce. Yeah, definitely have made a
Speaker 1: decision in our marriage that divorce is not going to
Speaker 1: be on the table. But we do have people ask
Speaker 1: us all the time, like, I'm married, I don't know
Speaker 1: if it's going in the right direction, you know, do
Speaker 1: you think I should look for a divorce? Should I
Speaker 1: let this person go? And that's ultimately what this topic
Speaker 1: of the show is knowing when it's okay to say
Speaker 1: it's time to move forward. And UM, I want to
Speaker 1: start by saying this and using my brother as an example,
Speaker 1: because he's not He wasn't a love interest, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. The wasn't about us having differences because
Speaker 1: most people think when when there's a divorce, happened, what happened,
Speaker 1: someone cheated, it's infidelity, right, And I wanted to use
Speaker 1: this as an example because there was no cheating going on.
Speaker 1: This is my brother we're talking about. But our lifestyles
Speaker 1: were so different. Our mindsets on what we wanted for
Speaker 1: each other, what we we wanted for ourselves in that
Speaker 1: moment didn't work. And even though collectively we were making
Speaker 1: money working together as a business, the friendship and the
Speaker 1: brotherhood was more important to both of us that we
Speaker 1: was like, we can't work together. Imagine if people applied
Speaker 1: that same principle to marriage and friendships. Right, You have
Speaker 1: a wife or a husband, and over time, living together,
Speaker 1: you realize that your lifestyles are different. You realize over
Speaker 1: time that even the marriage, the way we do business
Speaker 1: and conduct business in our marriage is different, and neither
Speaker 1: one of you want to change. That is the moment
Speaker 1: when you realize it is okay for us to let
Speaker 1: things go. For you and I, for example, we talk
Speaker 1: about we over me, right, We're both in it collectively.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do what I have to do and evolve
Speaker 1: and change. For you, You're gonna do the same thing
Speaker 1: for me if it were different, And I said, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm said, in my ways, I like doing
Speaker 1: things the way I want to and I'm not in
Speaker 1: a position nor I do I think I ever want
Speaker 1: to be in a position where I have to change
Speaker 1: for someone. And you're in a relationship with someone who
Speaker 1: believes the same thing, you can be in agreement that
Speaker 1: it's not okay for y'all to be together and be
Speaker 1: better apart. We've seen some of our closest friends who've
Speaker 1: been together longer than Kadine and I decide that they
Speaker 1: no longer wanted to be together and became better friends
Speaker 1: because they became healthier partners, and we're able to co parent.
Speaker 1: And we have friends that have a business together and
Speaker 1: children together and have been effortless. Their separation and divorce
Speaker 1: has been effortless because they're in agreement that they believe
Speaker 1: in their own way. And I feel that if more
Speaker 1: people were mature enough to have that conversation and decide
Speaker 1: that we're not gonna still together for optics, you know,
Speaker 1: because for me and Brian it was the same thing
Speaker 1: what we started prototype together. If we split up, people
Speaker 1: going to think and then we were like, you know what,
Speaker 1: no one realistically has to know will understand why it happened. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure, businesses dissolved all the time. We can dissolve
Speaker 1: the business. I changed the name from Elite Prototype Athletics
Speaker 1: to Prototype Sports Performance Lab, got a different business partner,
Speaker 1: and the business thrive. My brothers started coaching at Grand
Speaker 1: Street Campus, won the city championship, went back and got
Speaker 1: his master's degree. We had another child. He ended up
Speaker 1: getting another place, We ended up buying a home. It's
Speaker 1: like that split made us better individually, but it also
Speaker 1: did what it was supposed to do when we were together.
Speaker 1: Imported y'all the opportunity to say that's amortant business and
Speaker 1: all that. And that is actually the silver lining around
Speaker 1: the whole moment of y'all dissolve in the company. We
Speaker 1: got what we needed out of it. Yes, you did,
Speaker 1: and he did. You know, Um, you also said something important.
Speaker 1: You said what he said to you. You know what
Speaker 1: what people think if we dissolved the company, and it's
Speaker 1: what a lot of people experience with divorced For example, right,
Speaker 1: we know several people who are just in unhappy places
Speaker 1: in their marriage and just for optics. I don't know
Speaker 1: if it's for comfort, just feel like I'm just going
Speaker 1: to exist in this space. No, I'm not, like you
Speaker 1: don't think it's just that I think part of it
Speaker 1: is optics, because we've been conditioned to feel as if
Speaker 1: if you get a divorce, failure, and most people, for
Speaker 1: their own psychological reasons, like I'm not going to be
Speaker 1: a failure, so I'm gonna stay in here miserable as
Speaker 1: opposed to finding my peace. What we ultimately have to
Speaker 1: do is normalize people deciding to make changes in their
Speaker 1: lives and not being condemned for Normalize people making changes
Speaker 1: for their betterment, for their well being, for their mental health.
Speaker 1: Like we want to throw mental health around so much. Now,
Speaker 1: it's like if this relationship is no longer serving me
Speaker 1: in this space, or I know that I am not
Speaker 1: in a condition or a position to be of service
Speaker 1: to someone in this space being mature enough to say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I think we need to let this
Speaker 1: go and letting people throw I mean, we got one
Speaker 1: shot at this one shot. So it's like why it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, I see an experience, you know, the energy
Speaker 1: from certain couples around me that I'm just like, man, like,
Speaker 1: I feel like y'all will just thrive so much better
Speaker 1: if you were maybe apart. You know, like you hate
Speaker 1: to be the one to say that, or I can
Speaker 1: think it internally and never express it, but you just wonder, like, man,
Speaker 1: I wonder if this couple would be just happier if
Speaker 1: they're just so different. So let me ask you all,
Speaker 1: they are there certain things or not. I won't say
Speaker 1: red flags because that's just like, but it's there something.
Speaker 1: Is there anything that you'd be like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I think divorce may be better for this couple. Are
Speaker 1: there's certain things you look at in a couple when
Speaker 1: you say, nah, they need to be divorce because you know,
Speaker 1: we always work on helping people build, like that's always
Speaker 1: our biggest thing, is like, let's try to work and communicate.
Speaker 1: Is there any point where you say, nah, they need
Speaker 1: to let this go? I mean I think yeah, I
Speaker 1: think there's um For example, if a couple are in
Speaker 1: two different wavelengths, for example, with just what they want
Speaker 1: out of life, that can be extremely daunting. We had
Speaker 1: a listener letter recently. I don't know how it's going
Speaker 1: to roll out in the episodes, but it talked about
Speaker 1: resentment being built because you know, this person was like
Speaker 1: a go getter trying to build their business, and we
Speaker 1: were assessing the situation and thinking, you know, maybe her
Speaker 1: spouse was just comfortable with his simple lifestyle. So when
Speaker 1: you have one person who's always just one person who's
Speaker 1: always pounding the pavement looking for the next next gig,
Speaker 1: what's the next move, what's the next one. I'm going
Speaker 1: to ascend, And then you have one person who is
Speaker 1: just like content with just I got a roof over
Speaker 1: my head, I closed on my back, I'm okay with
Speaker 1: a simple life. That is a toxic environment to be
Speaker 1: in because why, you've got one person who always feels
Speaker 1: like they're putting themselves out on the limb, who's always
Speaker 1: going to be pushing to be the breadwinner, and then
Speaker 1: you've got one person who's sitting back saying I'm comfortable.
Speaker 1: You know, there's so many different emotions from either party
Speaker 1: that can just be so toxic. That's so funny, Right,
Speaker 1: part of the reason why my brother and I didn't
Speaker 1: work in the business was that the same exact reason.
Speaker 1: How when I when you think about my life, right,
Speaker 1: I've always been a dreamer, Right, I went from I
Speaker 1: want to start a program, I want to own a gym,
Speaker 1: I want to have multiple gyms. I wanted, like I
Speaker 1: wanted prototype to be this big national thing. My brother
Speaker 1: was like, we have a community here in Brooklyn that
Speaker 1: needs to be service. I'm comfortable servicing the community now.
Speaker 1: Is he wrong? No? Am I wrong? No? It's just
Speaker 1: two different mentalities and mindsets working on the same business
Speaker 1: and it can't work that way. Because he was hyper
Speaker 1: focused on the kids in the community, and for me,
Speaker 1: it was like, yeah, I know, but we have so
Speaker 1: much that we can give an offer to so many
Speaker 1: other kids. Why just limited to kids in the community.
Speaker 1: And for him, he would just he couldn't fathom it.
Speaker 1: He was just like, how are we going to service
Speaker 1: the nation about? And I'm thinking about other programs. I
Speaker 1: thought about doing a prototype or demand, which was an app,
Speaker 1: and all this other stuff. And I didn't feel the
Speaker 1: support from my brother when they came to doing all
Speaker 1: of those things. He thought I was doing too much right,
Speaker 1: And then if you if you look at the way
Speaker 1: our lives have gone right, We've built this platform to
Speaker 1: help people on a national and international scale. So I
Speaker 1: was able to do and scale what I wanted to do,
Speaker 1: and my brother was able to do and scale what
Speaker 1: he wanted to do because he ended up winning a
Speaker 1: city championship in two thousand fifteen. He's the head coach
Speaker 1: of Canarsi High School now. He does a bunch of
Speaker 1: free programs for kids in Canarsi right now. And it's like, wow,
Speaker 1: they both were extremely successful at what they wanted to do.
Speaker 1: But in that moment when we were together, we couldn't
Speaker 1: get anything done. We were just moving in circles arguing, yeah,
Speaker 1: because you felt like he wasn't doing enough. You felt
Speaker 1: like you would dragging him along, and he felt like
Speaker 1: he was the worker b you know, he was the
Speaker 1: worker being devoured. Was like the innovative mind, and I
Speaker 1: think you have to also respect people and what they
Speaker 1: are comfortable. I was wanting to do, like not everybody
Speaker 1: is going to be the innovative creative mind, you know,
Speaker 1: and then what does the innovative creative mind need the
Speaker 1: worker bees who are actually going to implement and put
Speaker 1: these you know, ideas into place, and just even knowing
Speaker 1: being experienced with you and be married to you, like
Speaker 1: I've told you recently that I feel like you need
Speaker 1: to do more of being present in the moments that
Speaker 1: you're in and absorbing and being happy and being grateful
Speaker 1: for and also just celebrating yourself in moments of accomplishments.
Speaker 1: For example, you twenty years ago told me that you
Speaker 1: want to have your own TV show, and literally almost
Speaker 1: twenty years to the date, you have your own TV show,
Speaker 1: Like this was October two and your show premiered September two,
Speaker 1: twenty two. And when it hit us when we had
Speaker 1: this conversation recently, I'm like, do you even realize that,
Speaker 1: first of all, this was twenty years in the making,
Speaker 1: So when people see you now or see us now
Speaker 1: and think like that this ship happened overnight, and oh no,
Speaker 1: it didn't. Twenty years in the making to the date,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, oh my, I almost made
Speaker 1: me emotional. I'm like, devout. You need to be present
Speaker 1: in this, Like do you understand how big this is?
Speaker 1: You have your own show twenty years in you know?
Speaker 1: And I'm just so happy for that and happy for
Speaker 1: you in that moment um. But yeah, it was something
Speaker 1: that we always kind of saw between you and Brian,
Speaker 1: for example, and I see that in some married couples
Speaker 1: now where that can be grounds for a divorce because
Speaker 1: y'all are just not on the same wave like they
Speaker 1: want different things out of life. But now here's the
Speaker 1: crazy part, Right, most people are not going to be
Speaker 1: in the same wave length. You know what the red
Speaker 1: flag was or the line in the sand that we
Speaker 1: had to end the relationship in that way was when
Speaker 1: the communication stopped. And I used the example with the
Speaker 1: hair brush as an example for a reason. Right, that
Speaker 1: hair brush story was a microcosm of what our relationship was. Right,
Speaker 1: something happens right, something very very small, and it can
Speaker 1: easily be communicated of what happened, someone can take accountability.
Speaker 1: But when you have two people who are both in
Speaker 1: the relationship to prove that their way of doing things
Speaker 1: is right, and neither one is willing to listen to
Speaker 1: the other partner for the better meant of the whole group,
Speaker 1: that means a communication is done. When we would get
Speaker 1: around our parents, we wouldn't talk. When we when we
Speaker 1: got to the gym and got to work, he did
Speaker 1: his job. I did mind. We didn't talk at that point,
Speaker 1: especially in a marriage or even a friendship, that's when
Speaker 1: it's time to move on. Because, like you said, every
Speaker 1: relationship realistically has its season, and its season is determined
Speaker 1: on how much the two people are willing to communicate
Speaker 1: to help each other out. Once the communication or the
Speaker 1: ability or the need or the want or the desire
Speaker 1: to communicate to change for each other ends, that's when
Speaker 1: the season is done. And that doesn't only have to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship. It can also be in a friendship,
Speaker 1: because we see a lot of friendships who you're friends
Speaker 1: for five or ten years and now you're no longer friends.
Speaker 1: Why because y'all live differently, and then in the friendship
Speaker 1: no longer serves me or serves them. So until we
Speaker 1: can communicate in a way where it's beneficial for both
Speaker 1: of us, we need to just let it go. And
Speaker 1: I feel like we're divorce especially, and I know it
Speaker 1: sounds bad because people like there's never a reason for divorce.
Speaker 1: Yes there is reason for divorce, and those reasons often
Speaker 1: are outside of the typical or stereotypical this person cheated,
Speaker 1: had a baby. Sometimes people need to have a divorce
Speaker 1: because they're just not the same people anymore. You evolve, right,
Speaker 1: and that's okay. You learn more about yourself over the years.
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like we're an anomaly because you know,
Speaker 1: I mean, we have come across a lot of couples
Speaker 1: to say, hey, we've been dating since high school or college.
Speaker 1: But the fact that we still have the desire, I
Speaker 1: think that's the that's the component that's the most important.
Speaker 1: Having the desire to want to continue to pour into
Speaker 1: and work on and communicate through a relationship, whether it's
Speaker 1: a friendship, whether it's a family relationship, whether it's a marriage.
Speaker 1: That's probably the most important piece. I feel like we've
Speaker 1: been seeing, at least in social media recently, like every
Speaker 1: other day someone's popping up divorce and meaning these are
Speaker 1: like celebrity couples or couples who are just like YO,
Speaker 1: didn't such and such just get married like they would
Speaker 1: just posting winning pictures the other day, and now we're
Speaker 1: hearing that they're divorced. Um. So some facts and stats
Speaker 1: we have it says overall the rates of divorce in
Speaker 1: America is falling, which would make you think the opposite
Speaker 1: if you're paying attention to social media, that's why social
Speaker 1: media is not in place. Yeah, exactly, because if you're
Speaker 1: looking at actual facts and that's that's not the case.
Speaker 1: Do you understand why divorces are are falling. I think
Speaker 1: it's I think it's because people are not people getting
Speaker 1: married as quick. Agree, you know, so if you're waiting
Speaker 1: to get married or just the marriage rate in general
Speaker 1: is lower than divorce rate is going to be lower.
Speaker 1: But what were you going to say? I would also
Speaker 1: say that was a good one. But I also going
Speaker 1: to say our generation is now more communicative. We're we're
Speaker 1: no longer accepted of tradition traditions. Right, so it's like,
Speaker 1: oh the whole thing, well, wives going nag, happy wife,
Speaker 1: happy life. Boys will be boys. Let that man do
Speaker 1: what he does. Those were traditions that were extremely toxic
Speaker 1: that allowed for poor communication skills to where men never
Speaker 1: had to communicate with the you just do what they
Speaker 1: want to accept and women were just like they were
Speaker 1: known as just nags. You didn't know how to communicate.
Speaker 1: So it was like both parties were taught through traditions
Speaker 1: and conditioning that communication doesn't solve anything. Just let them
Speaker 1: do what they do and stay married for optics. But
Speaker 1: look what you just said about that generation right now.
Speaker 1: Another fact is divorces amongst people aged fifty plus years
Speaker 1: are rising, So now that makes it's fed up, and
Speaker 1: they're just like, I'm not doing this more. Not only
Speaker 1: fed up though, they're actually finally talking to each other
Speaker 1: and realizing like, hey, we don't have to stay together,
Speaker 1: and that's okay, you know what I'm saying. So I
Speaker 1: don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It's like people
Speaker 1: are speaking and deciding what's what's advantageous for us individually,
Speaker 1: us as a couple, and also the kids that are involved,
Speaker 1: well the kids. So now that makes me think of
Speaker 1: these couples who are now fifty years plus their kids
Speaker 1: are our age. We're the ones that are now encouraging
Speaker 1: dialogue between our parents generation for example, right, absolutely, how
Speaker 1: any times have you or I had to step in
Speaker 1: almost like you know, a mediator or counselor or a
Speaker 1: therapist for our parents, because we're seeing things now as
Speaker 1: adults that were just like, well god damn, like I
Speaker 1: really don't just like not talk to each other yet,
Speaker 1: you know, And to be fear, our parents weren't given
Speaker 1: the tools by their parents, absolutely not how to be
Speaker 1: more communicative. You know. It's like as as you learn
Speaker 1: better as a different generation, you should do better. And
Speaker 1: sometimes doing better doesn't mean you do better for the
Speaker 1: next generation. Sometimes you gotta you gotta circle the block.
Speaker 1: You'll spend the block and be like, hey, mom and dad,
Speaker 1: have y'all ever tried this? This is something that we've
Speaker 1: learned watching your generation, And a lot of times these
Speaker 1: people are looking at each other and be like, you
Speaker 1: know what, the kids are right And all the time
Speaker 1: we thought we were doing stuff to save that doing
Speaker 1: it for the kids, and they're really telling us how
Speaker 1: that didn't really save them together for the kids. That
Speaker 1: generation now is like, oh, ship, our kids are grown,
Speaker 1: Like we're not doing this facade thing anymore. Because we
Speaker 1: have comming together for the kids. We can go our
Speaker 1: every way and enjoy what's left of our life, which
Speaker 1: I applaud that when people make that decision, um fewer
Speaker 1: couples choose to marry than pre more people are married
Speaker 1: in one than in nineteen sixty. So this one that
Speaker 1: says fewer couples choose to marry than for example, I
Speaker 1: guess I guess what they're saying is a fewer couples
Speaker 1: choose to marry me couples will be together and have
Speaker 1: these compentations decides you know what marriage isn't for me?
Speaker 1: That's true because marriage isn't for everybody. The marriage isn't
Speaker 1: to be all the end all. We talked about this
Speaker 1: all the time. Choosing marriages like choosing to be a vegan.
Speaker 1: It's a lifestyle choice, it's not a lifestyle obligation. You
Speaker 1: don't lose cool points because you're not vegan. You don't
Speaker 1: lose cool points because you're not married. But that's the
Speaker 1: case nowadays, because back in the day that wasn't the case.
Speaker 1: If a woman is rolling on her thirties and she's
Speaker 1: not married yet, now it's just like, well, why isn't
Speaker 1: she married? What's wrong with her? And that was back
Speaker 1: in the day when socio economically, women had a better
Speaker 1: chance of advancing in society if they were married, and
Speaker 1: it was a status thing. But now women have better careers,
Speaker 1: they're doing their own things, so now it's like I
Speaker 1: don't need to have a man to feel fulfilled or
Speaker 1: to move upwardly in society. So socio economically things have
Speaker 1: changed for women in this country, which which have also
Speaker 1: affected so many of these different stats. For sure, they're
Speaker 1: around six hundred and thirty thousand divorces in the US.
Speaker 1: That was a tough time two people was at home.
Speaker 1: People couldn't it was at home and couldn't escape. You know,
Speaker 1: thinking of how many people are in the US and
Speaker 1: that rate, I don't think that it doesn't seem that high.
Speaker 1: I guess we'd have to know against how many people
Speaker 1: were actually married, and most Americans who fought for divorce
Speaker 1: to do so between January and March. That's because people
Speaker 1: be fed up around Valentine's Day. Let me tell you something,
Speaker 1: No mana tired and not getting shipped on Valentine's Day. Well,
Speaker 1: y'all got all of these expectations. Y'all want diamonds and
Speaker 1: chocolins and rings and all this other stuff, and y'all
Speaker 1: want wine, and all y'all offer us is booty. And
Speaker 1: then if y'all get wine, you'll get too tired. They
Speaker 1: can't even give us no booty, so we just we
Speaker 1: just go to sleep on Valentine's Day pissed. That's really
Speaker 1: why people getting divorced here. Well, Triple had a good
Speaker 1: point earlier pre show. She was just like, maybe people
Speaker 1: are like, we'll give it to the end of the year,
Speaker 1: like you know, having a new fresh start. It's just
Speaker 1: like a hard I gave it to December thirty one,
Speaker 1: you know, or my New Year resolutions, dude, exactly, or
Speaker 1: you know, you know, let me get my last Christmas
Speaker 1: gift round, you know, before I make my my exit.
Speaker 1: So um, that's interesting that they're trying to get divorced
Speaker 1: before tax time because they're like, I'm I'm filing separate, Okay,
Speaker 1: I wanted to be away from him. Get my coin bag, baby, okay.
Speaker 1: So um, those are interesting to see. So how do
Speaker 1: you let go? In six simple steps? All right? Now?
Speaker 1: Now these are steps? And I want to say that
Speaker 1: because Triple is happily single, which means she knows how
Speaker 1: to let people go. She'd be letting my fuckers go.
Speaker 1: Are you happy lea single, Triple or are you on
Speaker 1: the hunt? You want to prowd? That's what we want
Speaker 1: to there. I'm just playing. Okay, listen, guys, shoot your shots,
Speaker 1: but don't be surprised if she blocks you. Step one, block,
Speaker 1: block block. Assess your values. What do you find most
Speaker 1: important in your life? Make a list of your values
Speaker 1: and the ways you honor them. I love that, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that. I mean that's the core of where
Speaker 1: everything starts for people. And I'm like, if she don't
Speaker 1: align there at the very base of core values, then
Speaker 1: off to the wrong start. I like these. I like
Speaker 1: that because I feel you have to be or try
Speaker 1: your best to be as complete of a person as
Speaker 1: you can when entering into a relationship, as opposed to
Speaker 1: late waiting for someone to complete you. You understand what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, because if you're waiting for that person to
Speaker 1: complete you, they can't. It's impossible for them to complete
Speaker 1: anything that you already haven't completed in yourself. So then
Speaker 1: you end up just pointing the finger and finding guilt
Speaker 1: in that person and trying to make them feel like
Speaker 1: they are the worst person because they haven't completed you.
Speaker 1: A relationship can't work like that, right or then if
Speaker 1: you decide to go separate ways or that person who
Speaker 1: was completing you quote unquote leaves, then what your life
Speaker 1: is in shambles and you feel like half of your
Speaker 1: life left with you. That's assess your situation. Does it
Speaker 1: align with or go against your values? Does the situation
Speaker 1: force you to betray yourself by directing you away from
Speaker 1: the things that are most important to you? So let
Speaker 1: me ask you a question that's interesting because we're talking
Speaker 1: about this. Why is it that so many women say
Speaker 1: they lost themselves in their relationship? That's not That's not
Speaker 1: typically something you hear a man say. You typically hear
Speaker 1: women say, you know, you know, I you know, I
Speaker 1: lost who I was and now it's time for me
Speaker 1: to find who I was who I am now as individual,
Speaker 1: even even in marriages or after having kids. Why do
Speaker 1: so many women say they lost themselves? Um? I think
Speaker 1: that's because we care so much about wanting to be
Speaker 1: everything that we need our spouse or are significant other
Speaker 1: to be that. Sometimes you find yourself just really in
Speaker 1: this rat race of trying to appease somebody else, or
Speaker 1: to be of service to somebody else, or to pour
Speaker 1: into somebody else that along the way, you're just like ship,
Speaker 1: what do I like? Again? Like the focus is just
Speaker 1: shifted from you to somebody else. I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 1: what I think it is. You don't think it's that, No,
Speaker 1: it is. I think it's the way we've been brought up.
Speaker 1: Men have been conditioned to go out there and conquer
Speaker 1: so a wild get get find ourselves, do what we want,
Speaker 1: where women have been conditioned to be selected by a man. Right, Like,
Speaker 1: if you think about the value proposition, right, even for women. Right,
Speaker 1: a woman can be the president of the United States
Speaker 1: if she's single. You know what they're gonna say, She's
Speaker 1: not run the country, but she can't keep a man,
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. So I feel like society
Speaker 1: has put all this pressure on women to prove her
Speaker 1: value by showing that she can be acceptable by be
Speaker 1: accepted a chosen by a man. So I feel like
Speaker 1: a lot of times women go into relationships saying, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's the type of man I want to be accepted by,
Speaker 1: So let me see what I have to do in
Speaker 1: order to be accepted. You know, it's more like curtailing
Speaker 1: your lifestyle to be accepted. Yes, and almost a song
Speaker 1: and dance, yes, right, And this is this is just
Speaker 1: my my humble opinion. You know what I'm saying. Of
Speaker 1: course this I'm not a woman, so I know what
Speaker 1: goes into it. But when I look at society and
Speaker 1: I see the way we all interact, it's always a show. Right. So,
Speaker 1: for example, a woman's value proposition is to prove that
Speaker 1: she's acceptable or she can be received by a man
Speaker 1: or kept by a man for a man. It's how
Speaker 1: many women can you have? And how much money can
Speaker 1: you make to show your value as a man. See
Speaker 1: how different that is. So for us, it's never oh
Speaker 1: well you don't got a wife, or it's not a
Speaker 1: grooming yourself for a man. Right, right, you're not grooming yourself. Particularly,
Speaker 1: you're not wooming yourself for a woman. And if a
Speaker 1: man is single, and they may call him immature and
Speaker 1: say why she why he chases so many young girls,
Speaker 1: but he never loses his value for being an older
Speaker 1: man and not having a wife. So for him, his
Speaker 1: purpose in life has been shifted. His purpose in life
Speaker 1: is shifted to looking for wealth or power or or
Speaker 1: conquering so many different women. That's what his what he
Speaker 1: sees his value in. And I think it's toxic for
Speaker 1: both men and women to exist in that space. And
Speaker 1: we've talked about this before because if we're teaching and
Speaker 1: grooming men to live in that space, but then we're
Speaker 1: teaching women to try to find a man to be
Speaker 1: accepted by. Right, how do those two people come together
Speaker 1: and have a relationship if they're not groomed to be
Speaker 1: for each other? What I'm saying, So, that's that's what
Speaker 1: I think it is. When when when women say they
Speaker 1: lost themselves because even even our friends that we know,
Speaker 1: you know, it was just like you never liked that before.
Speaker 1: Now you're dating this guy, and all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: you you like that, Like you know what that's different
Speaker 1: that when people when people kind of like start to
Speaker 1: um your right life. What was it? I think it
Speaker 1: was one of your cousins you said, like whenever he's
Speaker 1: dating a certain kind of woman, like he's all into
Speaker 1: their coach. He's just like he instantly becomes Puerto Rican
Speaker 1: or instantly becomes Jamaican, Like depending on who he's dating.
Speaker 1: It's just like who are you today? Absolutely accept yes,
Speaker 1: looking for because he wants to you know, he wants
Speaker 1: to be a part of that. Right. You have a
Speaker 1: family member that has never been married, doesn't have any children,
Speaker 1: he's a male and he's just living his best life
Speaker 1: knowing that he never wanted to be married, never had children,
Speaker 1: and just is rocking out. No, he wanted to be married.
Speaker 1: Oh he didn't want to be married, but he never
Speaker 1: wanted to settle. He was never going to settle with
Speaker 1: someone just because he was going to be judged by
Speaker 1: people for not being married. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And if we're being honest. The only thing that happens,
Speaker 1: especially in that he's an older gentleman in those generations,
Speaker 1: is people often say, sometimes well he's not married. Was
Speaker 1: he gay? But even that has changed from because now
Speaker 1: it's like, dude, like, he don't want to be married.
Speaker 1: He just got mad chicks and he just don't want
Speaker 1: to be bogged down by one person. But when I
Speaker 1: did ask him about it, I was just like, yo,
Speaker 1: you never wanted to get married? Said, of course I did.
Speaker 1: I wanted to get married, and of course I wanted
Speaker 1: to have children. But he never wanted to settle. That's
Speaker 1: that's also kind of admirable because I know a lot
Speaker 1: of a lot of people who would have just been like,
Speaker 1: all right, well, I mean this person, you know, checks
Speaker 1: about my boxes, so we're gonna try to make it work,
Speaker 1: you know, And then on the opposite side and they're miserable. True,
Speaker 1: very true. I mean he's contenting the fact that he's
Speaker 1: not married. It seems like he's not content. He's happy, right,
Speaker 1: he's not content, Like when I speak to him, he's
Speaker 1: not like, that's true. I'm doing okay of here. He
Speaker 1: always smiling, always somewhere. That is and we see him,
Speaker 1: we always see him with an attractive woman around his age,
Speaker 1: so he's still definitely doing his thing. But yeah, he's
Speaker 1: moving freely. I'm just trying to think if it was
Speaker 1: the other way around, and then you have a woman
Speaker 1: who's of his age, for example, in there, what they're
Speaker 1: going to it's just going to get that quote unquote
Speaker 1: old made syndrome, like, oh, she's all made with nobody
Speaker 1: but living her best life him and they get together
Speaker 1: and they have a good time, you know, absolutely. And
Speaker 1: the thing is there is never too old. You know,
Speaker 1: we hear all the time now on social media people
Speaker 1: find loving the fifties, sixties, you know. I just I
Speaker 1: just feel like the way society has conditioned us, the
Speaker 1: old you know, the patriarchy has created you know, a
Speaker 1: generation of people now who find themselves kind of lost,
Speaker 1: especially especially for women. You know, you can do all
Speaker 1: these great things, and if you're not married by a
Speaker 1: certain age, your value diminishes because and not married. I think,
Speaker 1: and I do think that that's going to change because
Speaker 1: our generation and the generations after us are speaking more
Speaker 1: about the value that you can bring to life without
Speaker 1: having children of being married. But I think it's also
Speaker 1: changing from the men in particular, a lot more men.
Speaker 1: If you see, especially in our communities, men are championing,
Speaker 1: championing other men who have families and you traditional ways
Speaker 1: to bring forth and pass forth generational wealth. Yeah. Right,
Speaker 1: so we we see like like the dad guys, all
Speaker 1: men who are men who are married or were married,
Speaker 1: who are invested in their families, invested in their children,
Speaker 1: who aren't um considering their value in how many women
Speaker 1: they've slept with or how much money they make. Their
Speaker 1: value is determined by how good of a father they are.
Speaker 1: And the more that changes, you'll see a lot more
Speaker 1: marriages going up, in a lot more of the divorce
Speaker 1: rate going down, which is proven, and marriage rates going
Speaker 1: up because people want to aspire to that. There's still
Speaker 1: people who aspire to be married and aspired to have
Speaker 1: absolutely know the quote unquote white picket fence and things
Speaker 1: like that. Um, you know. So I just think the
Speaker 1: onus isn't knowing exactly what you want, all right. Number three,
Speaker 1: Acknowledge the good. While the situation may be bad now,
Speaker 1: it wasn't always that way. It's okay to remember the
Speaker 1: good times finally and express gratitude for them, But it
Speaker 1: is important to acknowledge that those good times are not
Speaker 1: what is present. So that's pretty cool, just healthy. It's
Speaker 1: healthy to know like, at one point this was good,
Speaker 1: but it's no longer serving. You know, one thing I
Speaker 1: can't stand in divorces. When people get divorced and now
Speaker 1: everything that that person did was the worst thing ever.
Speaker 1: I loved that person at fact. Don't don't go don't
Speaker 1: walk around now acting like that person is the devil, Okay,
Speaker 1: because if that's the case, you loved the devil at
Speaker 1: some point, you know, at some point, like people change,
Speaker 1: things happen, situations, and Kenina and I always say this,
Speaker 1: what came first? The chicken and the egg. Everyone has
Speaker 1: a story as to why they hate their ex. Right,
Speaker 1: he did this, she did this. Then you asked the person, well,
Speaker 1: he did this, she did that. What happened first? No
Speaker 1: one wants to claim what was the start of this
Speaker 1: snowball that created the divorce. So let's not even go there.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about the happy times and remember that you
Speaker 1: know you're both humans, you both have good redeeming qualities.
Speaker 1: Remember that in that separation, and be like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I loved you for this reason and allow people who
Speaker 1: are mutual friends of yours to not have to decide
Speaker 1: to pick the side. Bro. For the love of God,
Speaker 1: y'all liked each other at some point, and then we
Speaker 1: liked y'all too right. We may not have liked y'all together,
Speaker 1: but we could like y'all as individuals, and we can
Speaker 1: continue to like y'all as individuals after the fact. But
Speaker 1: I think sometimes when that letting go divorce process happens,
Speaker 1: it's like, who side are you going to be on?
Speaker 1: First of all, I'm on the side of the Lord,
Speaker 1: and then secondly, I don't feel like I have to
Speaker 1: necessarily choose a side, because why, there's certain things I
Speaker 1: liked about you as an individual, and you as an
Speaker 1: individual you didn't do me wrong. In that situation, I
Speaker 1: might feel away because you did my friend wrong. But
Speaker 1: there comes a point where people kind of naturally, I think,
Speaker 1: will gravitate to one side. And what makes that a
Speaker 1: case is when usually they split and they're not on
Speaker 1: good terms. For example, our friends that split and they're
Speaker 1: on good terms, we can easily and freely still be
Speaker 1: friends with both of them because they both can co
Speaker 1: exist in the space together. They both are okay being
Speaker 1: around each other. They still go to each other's events.
Speaker 1: So we go to both events. They have events, and
Speaker 1: it's like, well, they they're amicable, and they were mature
Speaker 1: enough to understand that they still love each other and
Speaker 1: they're still friends. When I tell you, they have the
Speaker 1: most beautiful divorce I've ever seen in my life. I've
Speaker 1: never seen anything like it. And I told them, I said,
Speaker 1: y'all need to write a book on divorce. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, because when you speak to the two
Speaker 1: of them, right, you know, sometimes you speak to people
Speaker 1: who divorced and the first thing they said, huh this motherfucker. No, No,
Speaker 1: they're like, you know what your friends you know, I
Speaker 1: love him or I love friend. It's like that, y'all
Speaker 1: still say y'all love each other, you know, And and
Speaker 1: they still they like like this says they remember the
Speaker 1: good times and they don't push those aside because the
Speaker 1: bad times of the reason why they're no longer together,
Speaker 1: that's important. Those good times got them in a position
Speaker 1: where they're good to be okay as individuals, you know. Um,
Speaker 1: And then's tis you end up in a situation like
Speaker 1: we have another set of friends who divorced it, and
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I just always kind of liked you
Speaker 1: more than I liked you, so I just naturally became
Speaker 1: a little bit closer to you, Like it just happens
Speaker 1: like that, And it's not because you're not together anymore,
Speaker 1: but as a couple, sometimes you gotta take the deal.
Speaker 1: You gotta take the package, and you know, you tend
Speaker 1: to connect more with one person in the couple, So
Speaker 1: you know, don't let your friends who have to coexist
Speaker 1: with y'all feeling uncomfortable and ship all right because that
Speaker 1: ship is awkward. Allow yourself to grieve. It may be
Speaker 1: hard at first, but the end of anything always requires
Speaker 1: you to grieve, except that it is the end, and
Speaker 1: let yourself feel what comes up in this knowing pretty straightforward, straightforward.
Speaker 1: I think everything that comes in the time to grieve.
Speaker 1: You can't expect people to seeing ending something so finite
Speaker 1: and then just be normal the next day. The grieving
Speaker 1: process is often the empathy the outside people should have
Speaker 1: for those who are going through those emotions, because realistically,
Speaker 1: we never listed in that relationship, so we don't know
Speaker 1: what emotions are happening. So telling people you know, move
Speaker 1: on already move on already. That to me, that's that's
Speaker 1: probably the worst thing you can tell someone because now
Speaker 1: you're you're not validating their feelings and you're making them
Speaker 1: feel as if they don't have a reason to grieve,
Speaker 1: and a lot of times that creates confusion, and that
Speaker 1: create that confusion can often create depression and anxiety. It's
Speaker 1: like then they start second guessing, am I not supposed
Speaker 1: to feel the way? And if I do feel the way,
Speaker 1: what's wrong with me? Then that that what's wrong with me?
Speaker 1: Begins the self loathing process and it's even harder to
Speaker 1: move on when you're self loathing. Well, yeah, because like
Speaker 1: you said, usually we see, for example, divorce or anything
Speaker 1: ending as a failure when ending something or or even
Speaker 1: terminating a business or ending a job, like sometimes that's
Speaker 1: actually a reason. Have you seen people having divorce parties? Now? Yes,
Speaker 1: people are just like yo, I'm celebrating the fact that
Speaker 1: I can now reactlimate myself in a single life and
Speaker 1: this is going to serve me better. Absolutely so absolutely
Speaker 1: that works. Release it, acknowledge to yourself that you're letting
Speaker 1: go of what you're ending. Adopt and mindfulness or faith
Speaker 1: practice so that you can learn how to let difficult
Speaker 1: moments and thoughts move through you more easily instead of
Speaker 1: being stuck. Yeah. I have a lot of friends who
Speaker 1: have made transitions or ended certain relationships and that in
Speaker 1: turn brought them closer to God, for example, because that
Speaker 1: was their way of, you know, like it says faith practice,
Speaker 1: that was their way of trying to have y'all lean on,
Speaker 1: lean on the Lord, lead on the Lord, or just
Speaker 1: find a way to I guess cope. This is like
Speaker 1: a way to cope to me. I think it's very
Speaker 1: simple to Releasing is understanding that you cannot control everything
Speaker 1: in life. Holding onto things that you can't control will
Speaker 1: will often leave you heartbroken, but set you up for
Speaker 1: ultimate failure. You set those expectations where you think you
Speaker 1: control everything right, and then when you can't control it,
Speaker 1: those are failures. You're trying to control stuff that you
Speaker 1: can't control, and every time it comes out of control,
Speaker 1: you feel like you failed. That's when you start to
Speaker 1: feel inadequate, when in reality, you couldn't control it anyway.
Speaker 1: So how could you feel inadequate about something you could
Speaker 1: never control but you kept trying to control and you
Speaker 1: failed at it. You gotta learn how to release things.
Speaker 1: For example, you're in a relationship with someone, you cannot
Speaker 1: control how that person feels about you. This is a fact, right.
Speaker 1: You can love them in every love language that they require.
Speaker 1: You can buy them gifts, you can take them on trips,
Speaker 1: you can do everything. But if that person is just
Speaker 1: not feeling the same way about you as you felt
Speaker 1: about them, you never can control that, and you never
Speaker 1: could control that. The idea that you can buy a
Speaker 1: person's feelings, or love language of person's feelings, or sex
Speaker 1: of person's feelings is just wrong, And that's how you
Speaker 1: set yourself up for failure. Release it. Wake up in
Speaker 1: the morning every morning knowing that that person doesn't have
Speaker 1: an obligation to love me. That person has to make
Speaker 1: a choice. And if that person decided on this day
Speaker 1: that they no longer loved me, that's okay because I
Speaker 1: was never in control of that in the beginning. Easier
Speaker 1: said than then, though, because I'll last. So you in boy,
Speaker 1: real quick, if you decide one day you don't love
Speaker 1: me no more, you know it's funny. You know it's funny.
Speaker 1: I don't know's it's funny. You say that we should
Speaker 1: have U. I want to have a podcast with a
Speaker 1: group of guys and girls because we often talk about this.
Speaker 1: They say that guys can have sex with girls and
Speaker 1: just walk away and night care not have a commotional connection.
Speaker 1: But they say women tend to have more of an
Speaker 1: emotional connection right now when they talk about physiologically and
Speaker 1: emotionals and stuff like that. We're all built different, right.
Speaker 1: You guys have estrogen, we have to stop them. Certain
Speaker 1: hormones and certain physiological differences allow us to move on differently,
Speaker 1: and it makes it that much harder sometimes to even
Speaker 1: understand each other, which is a scientific fact, right, Which
Speaker 1: is a scientific fact. But I think that's also important
Speaker 1: for men to understand when you lay down with a
Speaker 1: woman and you have a soul tie, for you to
Speaker 1: just say and the same for me, and walk away
Speaker 1: maybe easier for you than her. So it's important men
Speaker 1: to have empathy for women who you're trying to have
Speaker 1: relationship with, even if it doesn't work out. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying be sympathetic and stay with her just because of
Speaker 1: her feelings, but be empathetic and choose your words wisely
Speaker 1: as to why you no longer being wanted be in
Speaker 1: that relationship. That can help a woman release. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and I'm not sitting here trying to
Speaker 1: make it seem like women are weaker so you have
Speaker 1: to do things this way. No, what I'm saying. Let's
Speaker 1: own up to the fact that we are different, like physiologically,
Speaker 1: we are different beings. So the approach to being a
Speaker 1: part has to be handled differently. You know, understand what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And then also to um, you know, I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's a thing or not or for
Speaker 1: something that we're just saying because it sounds right to
Speaker 1: say it. But women, now I'm hearing, are having more
Speaker 1: transactional sex and they can be the ones to go
Speaker 1: away from those situations. And does does that leave the man? Now?
Speaker 1: I kind of butt her like Dan, like she just
Speaker 1: kind of hit and run. I'm like, maybe I didn't
Speaker 1: hit it right. No, that that goes down. I'm glad
Speaker 1: she might have was in it for what she wanted
Speaker 1: and she kept it pushing. Okay, I'm glad you brought
Speaker 1: that up because it is exactly what you said. Right.
Speaker 1: Men have been socially conditioned to believe that we can
Speaker 1: have sex with women and walk away have no emotional
Speaker 1: ties and that women have more emotional ties. But oftentimes
Speaker 1: you run into that woman who was just like you,
Speaker 1: will make her own money, who do her own thing,
Speaker 1: who just be like, yeah, I wanted some dick, And
Speaker 1: now the dude is like what and and that dude, yeah,
Speaker 1: sometimes that dude is like, it's not even that I
Speaker 1: wanted to be with her, it's the fact that she
Speaker 1: she took the liberty to decide that she didn't want
Speaker 1: to be with me. And that's what hurts you, know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And that that happens as society changes, right,
Speaker 1: those soul ties back in the day. Think about it.
Speaker 1: If you you grew up in the forties and the
Speaker 1: fifties and your only way to advance socially was to
Speaker 1: find a wealthy man, and now you're competing with other
Speaker 1: women for that same wealthy man. That wealthy man decides
Speaker 1: to sleep with you, right, but then wants to marry
Speaker 1: Mary E Joe Beth. So now you gave this man
Speaker 1: part of yourself, but you're still at home with your
Speaker 1: parents because it's the forties and women aren't allowed to work,
Speaker 1: and they the gap for wages and during that time
Speaker 1: for women that did work with so small that now
Speaker 1: you're working, but you're living with your parents, and he
Speaker 1: went on and married Mary Beth after sleeping with you.
Speaker 1: That's a different type of pain than in the ninth
Speaker 1: in when you sleep with that guy who you think
Speaker 1: is wealthy, and then he goes and sleeps with with
Speaker 1: Mary Beth. But your value that seven figures as a woman,
Speaker 1: so you can go on to do you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. It's different, you know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: so people need to understand that all of those different
Speaker 1: mentalities have changed a lot. It ain't the same ball game, y'all.
Speaker 1: And last, but not least, give yourself time acceptance is key.
Speaker 1: Right to accept the ending, give yourself time away from it.
Speaker 1: Try your best to keep your attention away from the
Speaker 1: past and in the present moment, because what out of sight,
Speaker 1: out of mind? Oh trip, Let me tell you something
Speaker 1: about doctor Trible. This this one right here, to accept
Speaker 1: the ending, give yourself time away from it. I agree
Speaker 1: with that. Yes, sometimes you just have the cold turkey
Speaker 1: walk away, cut and cut the tie and go sometimes,
Speaker 1: but I think that this is important. People have to
Speaker 1: realize that your your love life, especially in divorce, is
Speaker 1: only one aspect of your life. When that part ends,
Speaker 1: your life doesn't end. Think about it. If you're a parent,
Speaker 1: if you're a career person, you have extended family, you
Speaker 1: have friends. Just because one aspect of your life is changing,
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that the rest of your life stops.
Speaker 1: And oftentimes we focus on the one thing that we
Speaker 1: can't control, and when we can't control that one aspect,
Speaker 1: it seems like our whole life is out of control
Speaker 1: because you're you're so blind, you're hyper focused on the
Speaker 1: one thing that's not going in your favor. At the moment,
Speaker 1: we depressed, we got anxiety. You're taking time off, you're
Speaker 1: neglecting your kids, you're staying away from your friends, you're
Speaker 1: saying away from your family, You're isolating yourself because you're
Speaker 1: not removing yourself from that one little piece and realizing, like,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I have a ton of other things
Speaker 1: that should be grateful, happy and excited about, and your
Speaker 1: hyper focused on the one thing you can't control. That
Speaker 1: to me, this number six is key. Give yourself time away. Okay,
Speaker 1: this part of the relationship is ending, it's not working.
Speaker 1: Let me not wake up every day and see if
Speaker 1: this person texts me let me not check their Facebook
Speaker 1: or the Instagram or the Twitter every day to see
Speaker 1: what they're doing. We focus on other things. That's healthy.
Speaker 1: That's healthy absolutely. All right, sounds good. I think we're
Speaker 1: gonna take a quick break now and come back and
Speaker 1: see what you got today. Today we'll be talking about
Speaker 1: and listening letters. All right, stick around, all right, We're
Speaker 1: back for talking about letting go, the and go of
Speaker 1: relationships and go hairlines. I mean, all the letting go
Speaker 1: is happening today. I'm not letting it goack. Not only
Speaker 1: it's giving stress free mother President, I'm a client. Anyway,
Speaker 1: let's see what you got to talk about today. I
Speaker 1: hand codeine. I want to say I love you guys podcast.
Speaker 1: I had a great time at the live event in
Speaker 1: New York. Gass the live shows was so popping, y'all
Speaker 1: because he loved the long ponytails is thank you. Listen
Speaker 1: to the long ponytails are making I come back, baby.
Speaker 1: Janelle's out here, you know, starting trends and whatnot. To
Speaker 1: the floor now, shout out to Janelle silly Smith after
Speaker 1: that long ponytail with the rings in between. We've seen
Speaker 1: it four separate times, and we saw it on Fashion Week,
Speaker 1: Fashion Week, So give my girl Janelle Silly Smith a
Speaker 1: credit period. It's the first time I've seen it period
Speaker 1: and then I used it that night. I had the rails.
Speaker 1: I was holding onto the rail talk about it last
Speaker 1: So okay, it was given Stallion. It was giving Stallion
Speaker 1: was like, alright, girl, she says she needs some advice.
Speaker 1: Slash and honest opinion. My boyfriend and I have been
Speaker 1: together since senior year of high school, a prom date
Speaker 1: turned into a wonderful twelve year in counting love story.
Speaker 1: After high school, I went to college, got a degree,
Speaker 1: and now work in corporate. My boyfriend, on the other hand,
Speaker 1: has had a different career path of not being able
Speaker 1: to complete college, part time jobs, living paycheck to paycheck,
Speaker 1: and now finally a certified HVACT technician a trade. Okay,
Speaker 1: my boyfriend is thirty and I'm twenty nine years old.
Speaker 1: I'm at the point where I want to get married
Speaker 1: and have kids. We've been together way too long to
Speaker 1: not be moving towards marriage. So I gave him an
Speaker 1: ultimatum that he needs to propose to me by the
Speaker 1: end of this year two or I'm out. He agreed,
Speaker 1: but his mind is so focused on the money aspect.
Speaker 1: He is not financially stable, he says, I don't understand
Speaker 1: since my path was easy he compared to his. We
Speaker 1: both know that I make more money and he won't
Speaker 1: be near my level anytime soon. I do tell him
Speaker 1: that we are a partnership, a team, but he's not
Speaker 1: buying it. The question I have is and my waiting
Speaker 1: on a proposal is more? Is waiting on a proposal
Speaker 1: more important? Love or money stability? Our love bond is strong,
Speaker 1: but at the same time, is it okay knowing I
Speaker 1: may have to pay for everything in the future, expenses,
Speaker 1: nights out or vacations, or that I might need to
Speaker 1: do things alone. He's a great man and will be
Speaker 1: a great father. He just settled into a career path
Speaker 1: much later in life, and the advice you can give
Speaker 1: me is much appreciated. Um, hold on, let me just recap,
Speaker 1: and you know when you read sometimes you just let
Speaker 1: me make sure I get Yeah. So, um it already
Speaker 1: is giving resentment because I can see how this is
Speaker 1: going to build into resentment in a relationship, especially if
Speaker 1: they're trying to get married. I already know that Devout
Speaker 1: has said in the past and have a plan, and
Speaker 1: their plan is typically to make sure that they feel
Speaker 1: like they're financially stable enough to be able to care
Speaker 1: for a spouse and then care for future children. Because
Speaker 1: that goes on us to where we talked about social
Speaker 1: conditioning and how women are conditioned to look for acceptance
Speaker 1: in the man for their value. A man's value is
Speaker 1: determined by how much money he makes right and how
Speaker 1: much he can provide for a future family and spouse.
Speaker 1: So I think putting the pressure and the ultimatum on
Speaker 1: him is not going to take things anywhere, especially if
Speaker 1: he is already just financially not going to babe the
Speaker 1: kid period Um. It's just literally comes down to the
Speaker 1: math of everything. And I can already foresee that if
Speaker 1: she's the one that's going to be the breadwinner and
Speaker 1: taking on all the responsibility in the household, the resentment
Speaker 1: is already start insists, Like we had a very similar
Speaker 1: letter about this before, and I know people in this
Speaker 1: this exact situation, and as a woman, you begin to
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, damn, like I'm the one that
Speaker 1: has to play the quote unquote man role in this relationship.
Speaker 1: I think like this, they're thirty now, right, She's five
Speaker 1: years away from becoming considered geriatric for having children. So
Speaker 1: I understand her sense of urgency. It's like, Yo, we've
Speaker 1: been together since we were eighteen is twelve years now,
Speaker 1: I'm thirty. I want to have kids. You're finally getting
Speaker 1: settled in a career, which means I'm gonna probably have
Speaker 1: to wait another couple of years for you to be
Speaker 1: able to say I'm excuse me, I'm comfortable getting engaged.
Speaker 1: Then we have to wait another couple of years to
Speaker 1: say I'm comfortable getting married. Then it's another couple of
Speaker 1: years say I'm comfortable having children. That puts her into
Speaker 1: what late thirties. It's way more difficult for a woman
Speaker 1: to have a baby in her late thirties. So I
Speaker 1: get her sense of urgency, but I also understand where
Speaker 1: he's coming from. At no point did she say that
Speaker 1: he was a deadbeat. She said that he was trying
Speaker 1: to figure out his place in life. He finally became
Speaker 1: an h VAC technician, so he's found his place, or
Speaker 1: what he wants to do is gonna take time to build.
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean that he doesn't want to build with her.
Speaker 1: It just didn't happen on her timeline, And this is
Speaker 1: what happens with so many men and women. Her timeline
Speaker 1: isn't matching his timeline. So do you leave a man
Speaker 1: that you love, who you think is gonna be a
Speaker 1: great father and husband to find someone who's more in
Speaker 1: your timeline? That man maybe on your timeline, But what
Speaker 1: if he's an asshole? What if he's a narcissistic, money
Speaker 1: hungry type of dude who's just gonna use you as
Speaker 1: a trophy wife and you'll not be happy you have
Speaker 1: some kids, will tell you to sit your ass at
Speaker 1: home while he goes out and do whatever he want
Speaker 1: to do. He was on your timeline to get married,
Speaker 1: because you got married what you want, but he's not
Speaker 1: loving you the way this man has been loving you
Speaker 1: since eighteen. Like you can't you can't just decide that
Speaker 1: my timeline is more important than love and what I
Speaker 1: see for myself. That's my biggest thing. That's my biggest
Speaker 1: issue with with women is like everything has to be
Speaker 1: on your timeline. And my biggest issue with men is
Speaker 1: not understanding that their timeline exists for a reason. Biologically.
Speaker 1: They can't sit back and fucking wait for you to
Speaker 1: figure it out in your late thirties, like they can't
Speaker 1: bro like, like we as a community of people have
Speaker 1: to start realizing that these are realities. Right. A woman's
Speaker 1: biological clock is real. The reason why I get passionate
Speaker 1: about this is because we had our fourth child, Kay
Speaker 1: had postpartum pre clamshure and could have died. That's the
Speaker 1: reality that she could have died having a baby that
Speaker 1: much later in life because her body has already gone
Speaker 1: through its prime of having children. Women don't want to
Speaker 1: think about that. As a husband, I don't want to
Speaker 1: think about that. What if I wasn't where I wanted
Speaker 1: to be in my life, and I kept pushing back
Speaker 1: and pushing back, and we went to have our first
Speaker 1: child at thirty eight and something happened and we lost
Speaker 1: the child. Now we try to go again at thirty
Speaker 1: nine and forty and and your body can't do it.
Speaker 1: I can understand how resentment can come from a woman
Speaker 1: at that point, if she waited that long and now
Speaker 1: her body is saying they can't. I wholeheardly understand that.
Speaker 1: And then as a man I could I could see
Speaker 1: how say I wanted to have a child, and I
Speaker 1: want to have multiple kids, and I only had one child.
Speaker 1: You have to make a decision as a man what
Speaker 1: your timeline is gonna be as well. And ladies y'all
Speaker 1: have to understand if your timeline is that important, be
Speaker 1: upfront about it from the very beginning and let them
Speaker 1: know exactly what you're looking for and why, right Because
Speaker 1: I mean, she said twelve years they've been together, So
Speaker 1: twelve years they've been working at this relationship. And the
Speaker 1: fact that they've been able to grow together through these
Speaker 1: twel years, I think is already admirable. And her trying
Speaker 1: to sell to him the point that they were a
Speaker 1: team or a partnership. I think it's nice and I
Speaker 1: think her heart's in the right place. The same way
Speaker 1: with you, and I was like some moments I had
Speaker 1: it and you didn't, and vice versa. You had and
Speaker 1: then I didn't. But we knew wholeheartedly together that we
Speaker 1: were a team, and you felt okay leaning on me
Speaker 1: in those moments because why you were pounding the pavement
Speaker 1: to be able to then take us out of the
Speaker 1: situation that we were in, and then the roles switched
Speaker 1: to where you were the breadwinner. It went back and
Speaker 1: forth a lot for us and didn't go back and
Speaker 1: forth and back and forth a lot. I was the
Speaker 1: bread winner for the first three years. Even though you
Speaker 1: were making more consistent money, I still made my own money,
Speaker 1: but there was not talking about more when you were
Speaker 1: like build your business and happen to kind of start
Speaker 1: from scraps. Oh no, no, I understand what you're saying,
Speaker 1: But even in that moment, you weren't the breadwinner at
Speaker 1: that time. I still made more money, but I relied
Speaker 1: on your money to make sure all the bills are paid,
Speaker 1: was reinvesting. That was a partnership. But I think it's
Speaker 1: different when she makes more money than him, so he
Speaker 1: can't even contribute as much as she can. Write that
Speaker 1: right there, for dynamic purposes is going to be an
Speaker 1: issue between the two of them, especially if they want
Speaker 1: she wants to have kids, because if she has to
Speaker 1: step back for a year or two to focus on
Speaker 1: the kids, he can't support that. Right So my issue
Speaker 1: with that is when you give someone an ultimatum, an
Speaker 1: ultimatum only gets what you want at that time, but
Speaker 1: that doesn't put the person you gave the ultimatum too
Speaker 1: in a positive space to continue to provide that for
Speaker 1: you for the longevity of the relationship. So when you
Speaker 1: say to somebody we need to get married now, I'm out.
Speaker 1: He could bend to that right and say, fine, fine,
Speaker 1: I'm going to propose right like I did. Remember you
Speaker 1: said you didn't want to be living our girlfriend anymore,
Speaker 1: So I propose knowing that I wasn't ready to be married.
Speaker 1: Right then you said let's get married because you don't
Speaker 1: want to be engaged too long. You didn't give me
Speaker 1: an ultimatum, but you pretty much was telling me like,
Speaker 1: you gotta ship to get off the pot. Right. So
Speaker 1: we got married and we weren't in a good financial
Speaker 1: space for me to be the type of husband I
Speaker 1: could be, and we struggled the first five years. So
Speaker 1: you ultimately got what you wanted, but it wasn't perfect.
Speaker 1: And that's what I'm saying. Giving people an ultimatum to
Speaker 1: get what you want in that time doesn't work, especially
Speaker 1: if you're only focused on the title and the wedding
Speaker 1: and not focused on the marriage. If you're really focused
Speaker 1: on the marriage and its totality, and the marriage, if
Speaker 1: you really want to be married to someone, is infinite,
Speaker 1: So there's no amount of time that's going to go
Speaker 1: out with the marriage. Expires until somebody dies, So you're
Speaker 1: forcing somebody. You're forcing somebody to get married to you
Speaker 1: so you can have a wedding on your time without
Speaker 1: thinking about the marriage. To me, it's just shortsighted, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I don't believe in ultimately. I
Speaker 1: just don't. Hey, I understand the biological clock, but ultimatums
Speaker 1: never worked. Alright, girl, Hopefully that helps specs a little
Speaker 1: things into perspective for you. Um, all right, we got
Speaker 1: one more listening letter. Let's see what we got here.
Speaker 1: What's up, Codeine and Devout? I'm K from Houston. What's up, K,
Speaker 1: and I've been a long time listening since the i
Speaker 1: G videos and the start of the podcast. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much. I have a situation with a young woman
Speaker 1: I've been involved with for about four years. We've had
Speaker 1: a very rough relationship. Within that time, I found out
Speaker 1: that the child she had in two thousand nineteen wasn't mine.
Speaker 1: I stuck around and told her that we can work
Speaker 1: through it, and everything was good until she started acting
Speaker 1: very masculine once she moved out on her own. Within
Speaker 1: the four years, I hoped her get two cars, with
Speaker 1: one being in my name that I ended up getting
Speaker 1: from her. Upon getting her newer and much better car,
Speaker 1: she started to act like she didn't want to spend
Speaker 1: time with me. The sex stopped, and every time I
Speaker 1: wanted to talk, she would always tell me not right now.
Speaker 1: And it's been like that for four years. Do what
Speaker 1: are we talking about at this point? Honestly speaking, I've
Speaker 1: been verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused by this woman. By
Speaker 1: the by the way, she's twenty three and I'm twenty
Speaker 1: nine as of right now. She ended up having another
Speaker 1: baby by the same type of guy who denied it was.
Speaker 1: We decided to call the quits. I don't air quotes
Speaker 1: because she couldn't stay away from she, We couldn't stay
Speaker 1: away from each other, Okay. I stuck by her side
Speaker 1: through that as well. Do she using you? Recently? I
Speaker 1: got fed up with the way I've been treated, so
Speaker 1: I let her know how I've been feeling for the
Speaker 1: last few years. Long story short, this woman had the
Speaker 1: nerve to tell me that I wasn't always there for
Speaker 1: her when every time I was trying to be there
Speaker 1: for her, she ghosted or since or sent me the voicemail. Dude,
Speaker 1: she's clearly using you. And she told me everything I
Speaker 1: told her to use it against me. She's a narcissist.
Speaker 1: She's recently she's recently behind on a lot of her
Speaker 1: bills because she has grown people saying to her that
Speaker 1: she can't I'm staying with her. What does happ do
Speaker 1: that she that I can't even help her? And I
Speaker 1: managed to get from money to catch up? Why my
Speaker 1: rent and her cardinal? Should I leave this bitch? Bro?
Speaker 1: She's been going, you don't have her? Why are you here?
Speaker 1: You don't have her? Dude? This is this you can
Speaker 1: you ain't at bro? This is clear. This is clear,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna say this on on on the podcast.
Speaker 1: Narcissism is not a male trade, Okay, anybody can be
Speaker 1: a narcissist. I see on social media all the time.
Speaker 1: The minute a man uses manipulation to get a woman
Speaker 1: to do something, Oh, he's a narcissist. He's a narcissist.
Speaker 1: What about the women who use children to manipulate their
Speaker 1: their baby fathers. What about the women who use sex
Speaker 1: to manipulate in relationships? What about the women who use
Speaker 1: the fact that they need help the danceel in distress
Speaker 1: their narcissists as well, and they know who they can
Speaker 1: pull that ship with. And you were one of them, bro.
Speaker 1: Absolutely definition of a burger. It's giving burgers all. He's
Speaker 1: twenty three, which means he's extreme. Know, he's twenty nine
Speaker 1: and he's twenty nine. She's twenty three, which means she's young. Right,
Speaker 1: She's young, so she's Instagram life too. She's probably just like, oh,
Speaker 1: I got this older dude, because you're the older dude
Speaker 1: to her who's going to take care of her, take
Speaker 1: care of her while she's out there and two kids
Speaker 1: with other people people. She was never yours, Bro, She's
Speaker 1: not in now Here's the reality, right. He's delusional in
Speaker 1: his mind and he thinks that that's his woman, right,
Speaker 1: And the reason why he thinks that's his woman is
Speaker 1: because he continues to provide stuff for her. Remember when
Speaker 1: I said man to find their value, they find their
Speaker 1: value and saying I can take care, I can provide,
Speaker 1: I can That's this right. Here is the version of
Speaker 1: toxic masculinity that we don't ever see, the version that
Speaker 1: a man is so toxic, toxically masculine that he allows
Speaker 1: a woman to treat him like ship because he feels
Speaker 1: like a man because he can take care of her.
Speaker 1: Oh my good, that was the word. He has to
Speaker 1: get that, he has to get that. Come on, I
Speaker 1: think you're a great dude, but does She's just not
Speaker 1: the one for you, man, And that ain't your kid
Speaker 1: giving her money? Leave her alone? And he says, she's
Speaker 1: living with adults who clearly know that you're the guy
Speaker 1: that's taking taking care of them, the collective them. Bro,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry used that last sense? And should I leave this?
Speaker 1: Help me? Please? Okay? This to me? Kay? Okay, where's
Speaker 1: the camera? Okay? Okay, bye, don't listen. She's communicated to
Speaker 1: you how she feels. You gotta believe it when she
Speaker 1: says it. She says you want there for her. She
Speaker 1: says she don't want to be with you. Believe her.
Speaker 1: Move on, let it go, let do let it go,
Speaker 1: let it go, let it go. Everything's gonna work out. Okay,
Speaker 1: country music, But yeah, she goes to be she'd be
Speaker 1: goste you and send need to voicemil that she wants
Speaker 1: to answer when she needs money. Period. All right, y'all,
Speaker 1: If you want to be featured as a listener letter,
Speaker 1: email us at dead as sid advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's D E A D S S A d V
Speaker 1: I C E at gmail dot com. All right now,
Speaker 1: moment of truth time. We're talking about letting it go.
Speaker 1: Letting it go, whether it's divorce, when things are no
Speaker 1: longer serving you, whatever the relationship may be. It maybe
Speaker 1: a job, like I said it maybe in her line.
Speaker 1: But when you decide, how do you decide to let
Speaker 1: it go? What is your moment of truth? Baby, moment
Speaker 1: of truth when things are no longer serving you and
Speaker 1: you can't be of service to the person that you
Speaker 1: feel you want to be of service to, it's okay
Speaker 1: to let it go. Divorce, I'm gonna get to take
Speaker 1: a line from my son, divorce is a mark, not
Speaker 1: a tattoo. It won't last forever. The minute you find
Speaker 1: something on and you move on and you let it go,
Speaker 1: find something better, baby, It's a mark, not a tattoo.
Speaker 1: That is a fact. I like that one there. Um.
Speaker 1: I think my moment of truth is letting go or
Speaker 1: putting an end to whatever the relationship may be. It
Speaker 1: can be a toxic marriage, it can be a toxic relationship.
Speaker 1: It can be a job that's not fulfilling. Those things
Speaker 1: are not necessarily failures, and we have to stop the
Speaker 1: narrative and stop the dialogue around that being a failure.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's just a lesson. Sometimes it's a moment for
Speaker 1: you to say, you know what, this did not work
Speaker 1: for me in this season. This relationship is no longer
Speaker 1: serving me in this season. It's taking its course, and
Speaker 1: it's time for me to grow and move on. And
Speaker 1: you'd be surprised how when we don't look at some
Speaker 1: of these endings as failures, they become new beginnings, opportunities
Speaker 1: for you to flourishes. To be a failure, it can
Speaker 1: also be a victory. Yeah, think about how much you
Speaker 1: can flourish when you're not carrying that baggage anymore. Sometimes
Speaker 1: letting it go can be a victory. All right, y'all
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us on social media. The podcast
Speaker 1: page is dead As the podcast and you can find
Speaker 1: me at Cadine I Am and I Am Devoted and
Speaker 1: if you live sening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe as dead Ass is a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead
Speaker 1: As to podcasts and never miss a thing