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Speaker 1: On God. Sometimes you just gotta let shape go. Facts.

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Speaker 1: I mean, ship called me Elsa. Why am I calling hello? Frozen?

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Speaker 1: Let me go? Let go? No, you didn't get it.

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Speaker 1: We don't. Yeah, we don't be watching that ship, all right,

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Speaker 1: dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You

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Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys

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Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one

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Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We

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Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's

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Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead

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Speaker 1: as is the term that we say every day. So

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Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about

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Speaker 1: to take pillow talk to our whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: Ass starts right now. Sometimes, when when it's time to

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Speaker 1: let things go, it'd be hard for you to let

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Speaker 1: it go because it's people you love. For example, everybody

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Speaker 1: knows my brother Brian is my best friend. Right. I

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Speaker 1: retired from the NFL in two thousand, who incidentally, he

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Speaker 1: graduated from college in the same year. So we moved

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Speaker 1: back to the apartment together. We were living together. Uh,

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Speaker 1: it was almost like we were the odd couple. I

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Speaker 1: hadn't lived with my brother since I was eighteen, he

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Speaker 1: was sixteen, and at that point we couldn't live together.

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Speaker 1: I was downstairs in our parents basement. He was upstairs

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Speaker 1: because we shared a room our whole lives and we

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Speaker 1: we couldn't stand each other during that time. But now

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Speaker 1: it's like, you know what, we're back together. Let's make

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Speaker 1: this work. We're talking about building. You know, I had

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Speaker 1: lost my job here, graduate from college. You didn't want

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Speaker 1: to move back in my parents. I wasn't married. Jet

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Speaker 1: Canina and I were engaged. We could use the additional income,

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Speaker 1: so we was like, you know, let's have roommates. So

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Speaker 1: we moved in with my brother Brian and Sharif and

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Speaker 1: at the time we were doing the big guys I

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Speaker 1: think about it. So my brother and I started a

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Speaker 1: company called a Lead Prototype Athletics, Incorporated, and we were

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Speaker 1: doing extremely well. At the same time, there were problems

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Speaker 1: at home. When I talked about problems at home, I'm

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Speaker 1: not talking about Codeina and I talking about me and

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Speaker 1: my brother. This was my apartment, right. I paid the

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Speaker 1: most of the bills, paid the heat, paid the gas.

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Speaker 1: And since he was a young guy, it was almost

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Speaker 1: like he was kind of like my son, even though

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Speaker 1: he wasn't my son. So he'd be coming in the

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Speaker 1: house late from being out and I'd be sitting that up.

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Speaker 1: Let me sitting up and like, yo, bro, how are

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Speaker 1: you not gonna text me? You coming in? I got

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Speaker 1: a son in here, and my wife isn't here, and

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Speaker 1: you're just walking here three if all o'clock in the morning.

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Speaker 1: He's looking at me like, dude, I'm grown as man.

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Speaker 1: And then I sounded like my father. You know they

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Speaker 1: growing as man looking living in my house if you're

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Speaker 1: growing ass man living in your own apartment. So I

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Speaker 1: was like, you know what this this isn't working. Simultaneously,

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Speaker 1: we're still building this company. The company is doing well,

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Speaker 1: so it's almost like you're working with someone and you

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Speaker 1: you're living with him. It's like we were married. One day,

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Speaker 1: he was going to I think the movies, going to

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Speaker 1: the movies, and me and Kate were leaving to go

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Speaker 1: somewhere and I go into the bathroom after he's left,

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Speaker 1: and it's hair in the sink, and you know, I

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Speaker 1: hate when it's hearing this sink, right, So I called

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Speaker 1: mysel Brian, Yo, just hearing the bathroom sink. He says,

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Speaker 1: it's not mine, hangs up the phone. So now I'm pissed. Okay,

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Speaker 1: now I'm pissed because I know it ain't my here

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Speaker 1: because I wasn't there when I cut my own here.

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Speaker 1: If I cut my left it, I would have been there,

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Speaker 1: but I wasn't, so I knew it was mine. So

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Speaker 1: I went into his room and I found out bush. No,

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Speaker 1: it wasn't yours. I found a brush that he used

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Speaker 1: after he cut his hair, and I shook the brush

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Speaker 1: out over the sink. You know, it came out hair.

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Speaker 1: So I called him back. I said, Brian, you're a liar.

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Speaker 1: He said, what do you mean. I said, there's a

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Speaker 1: brush in your room. He screamed, you went in my room?

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Speaker 1: I said, yes, How are you gonna go in my room?

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Speaker 1: I said, because this is my apartment. You pay partial

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Speaker 1: rent for this one room, but as the owner of

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Speaker 1: the apartment, I have the right to go in any

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Speaker 1: room I want, and you own technically at the door. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I owned the door, and I owned the door in

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Speaker 1: that part of the room as well, so I could

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Speaker 1: open it whenever I want. So I was like, yo,

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Speaker 1: you gotta come back and clean out the sink. Somebody

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Speaker 1: cleaning it up. So he ignored me on the phone,

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Speaker 1: ignored me. So me, being the petty person I am,

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Speaker 1: I fired him from the company and I dissolved the company,

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Speaker 1: noting the relationship and work it was all toxic. It

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Speaker 1: was bad, it was back, it was all toxic. I

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Speaker 1: fired him from the company. I dissolved the company. I

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Speaker 1: gave him his share in the severance package, and I

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Speaker 1: continued to move on by myself. Yes, because this year

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Speaker 1: they're working on top of that, I made it move out.

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Speaker 1: You cannot live with me thinking you can do everything

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Speaker 1: you want to do on your terms, and I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna stand for it. So me and my brother went

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Speaker 1: completely separate ways after about two years of building that company.

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Speaker 1: And you know what happened after that. He went back

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Speaker 1: to college, got his master's degree, became a tennis teacher,

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Speaker 1: and started making more money ever made in his life,

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Speaker 1: something that he wasn't doing during the time because kind

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Speaker 1: of had a little bit of a crutch right. He

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Speaker 1: was living at home with his older brother, didn't have

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Speaker 1: to pay as much in rank and come and go

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Speaker 1: as he pleased. But then when he moved out and

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Speaker 1: that rent went from paying five hundred dollars a month

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Speaker 1: for that room to three thousand dollars a month for

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Speaker 1: that rent, it's time to really get focused in life, real,

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Speaker 1: real quick. And for me, it allowed me to release

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Speaker 1: being an older brother and feeling like I had to

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Speaker 1: I had to be there for him, which kind of

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Speaker 1: made him feel entitled to do whatever he wanted to

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Speaker 1: do because he felt like I was always there. And

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Speaker 1: plus I had to refocus because now I had a

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Speaker 1: son and I had a wife. We had just recently

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Speaker 1: got married, So it allowed both of us to grow

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Speaker 1: by separating from each other. And I noticed in that

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Speaker 1: moment that sometimes it isn't the best interest for both

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Speaker 1: parties to just let things go. I got little remix.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna sing a song, and it's not really the

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Speaker 1: words of the song of the melody. You'll remember, all right,

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Speaker 1: shout out to Tony Braxon. I believe let it go,

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Speaker 1: letting go, letting google, let go. It's definitely let it flow,

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Speaker 1: is it? Yeah? It's been sound better everything out. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I guess you can't work out Rod and new lit

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Speaker 1: Goo and know her boys be deep? She singing that deep?

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Speaker 1: I mean she might have let it go mixed in

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Speaker 1: with the flow. I mean when I let go with

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Speaker 1: my brother's things started. Alright, I'm down for the remix

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Speaker 1: then ship. All right, well, let's go on. One thing

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Speaker 1: we can't remix is these bills, because the bills is

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Speaker 1: gonna bill. So we want to take a quick break

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Speaker 1: and get back to the meat of the show. Stick around,

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Speaker 1: all right, So al right, back to story time. Let

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Speaker 1: me tell you all. First of all, Okay, having roommates, baby,

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Speaker 1: it's like having a roommate who's a stranger is one thing,

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Speaker 1: right you think about college roommates getting into your norm

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Speaker 1: room first time, moving in that already it's like a

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Speaker 1: learning curve. I knew when I moved in with my

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Speaker 1: roommate my first year at Hotstrat that I had to

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Speaker 1: do everything in my power to have my own four walls.

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Speaker 1: I don't care if my room was going to be

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Speaker 1: eight by eight by eight. Yeah that means is that anyway?

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Speaker 1: For eight for eights it was mine, my four walls right,

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Speaker 1: But then when you add the layer of a family

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Speaker 1: member who you genuinely care about absolutely, and I think

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Speaker 1: in any moment when you decide to move a family

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Speaker 1: member into your home or your space, it's naturally because

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Speaker 1: you're saying, Okay, I want to assist this person or

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Speaker 1: help this person get on their feet, or you know,

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Speaker 1: all parties involved. Because we benefited from that as well too.

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Speaker 1: You know, Brian have a trief at one point living

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Speaker 1: with us, like that apartment was the place where we

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Speaker 1: all kind of started, we started to build. It was like,

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Speaker 1: fresh out of college, what's the best way to most

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Speaker 1: cost effectively exist and build. That's what all college students

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Speaker 1: would do too. If you have a group of friends

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Speaker 1: that once you get out into the real world, if

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Speaker 1: you don't want to take on all that responsibility of

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Speaker 1: paying all the bills, share an apartment, share the bills,

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Speaker 1: put extra money away in and put yourselves on like

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Speaker 1: a five year plan to say, after five years, if

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Speaker 1: I say, for example, an addition to a thousand dollars

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Speaker 1: a month, that's twelve tho dollars a year, that's sixty

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Speaker 1: dollars over the course of five years, you can put

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Speaker 1: it down payment on a home, your own condo, an apartment,

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Speaker 1: and have your own space. But at least you can

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Speaker 1: do it in a way where you feel safe and

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Speaker 1: secure and not trying to make ends meet all the

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Speaker 1: time when you have roommates. Absolutely until you leave here

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Speaker 1: in the sink and then what so let me let's

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Speaker 1: let's unpack that, right, and this is important, this is important, right.

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Speaker 1: I chose this story to tell because my brother and I, like,

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Speaker 1: you don't get closer to someone than someone you grew

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Speaker 1: up within the house. Right, Me and Brian are two

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Speaker 1: years apart. We did everything together. I don't remember life

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Speaker 1: without my brother. So you would figure that living with

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Speaker 1: someone that you lived with growing up would be easy,

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Speaker 1: right you would You would think that. Right on top

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Speaker 1: of that, we started a business together. And I use

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Speaker 1: that as an example because marriage is too part. Right,

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Speaker 1: it's the emotional spiritual part of friendship part, but then

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Speaker 1: it's also the business. Right with my brother, I felt

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Speaker 1: almost like it was a marriage. We were living together,

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Speaker 1: so you have that marriage emotional spiritual part together as

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Speaker 1: my brother, but we officially had a business together that

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Speaker 1: we were working on together. I learned during that time

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Speaker 1: that just like with you, everybody has their own process,

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Speaker 1: regardless of if they grew up in the same house.

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Speaker 1: He and I went to separate middle school, separate high school,

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Speaker 1: separate colleges, so we all we had different experiences in

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Speaker 1: life which caused us to be very different people. When

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Speaker 1: trying to live with someone, you start to realize all

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Speaker 1: their little quirks and you have to make a decision

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Speaker 1: on does this really work for me and does this

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Speaker 1: really work for us? Well, you know what I think

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Speaker 1: the issue was too. When you work with someone who,

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Speaker 1: in turn, you have to go home to at night,

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Speaker 1: usually when you clock out of work, your escape from

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Speaker 1: work his home, your escape from having to talk about

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Speaker 1: anything work related is you can have a cut off time,

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Speaker 1: you know. But when you have a family member or spouse,

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Speaker 1: like for example, you and I, we have moments where

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Speaker 1: the lines get blurred too, because it's just like ship.

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Speaker 1: Like right now, I want to talk to my husband,

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Speaker 1: not my co worker, my co host, you know what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. I just want to speak to my husband,

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Speaker 1: who I have the emotional attachment to, not the business

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Speaker 1: attachment to. I think that's what happened with you and

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Speaker 1: Brian White kind of strange. Your relationship in that moment too,

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Speaker 1: because it's like your brother who you used to just

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Speaker 1: kind of like shooting ship with and doing fun things with.

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Speaker 1: Now you're having resentment because why his process is not

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Speaker 1: like yours. And it's something that we had an issue

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Speaker 1: with two workers you know together. But but I don't

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Speaker 1: think it only happens with work though. I think it

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Speaker 1: even happens with married couples who don't even work together. Right,

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Speaker 1: So for example, you're you're my best friend. We do

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Speaker 1: a lot of friends ship things together. Even if we

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Speaker 1: didn't work together, we still have the parent together. Parenting

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Speaker 1: is a whole different job. It's like when I'm speaking

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Speaker 1: to you now, when you only want to talk about

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Speaker 1: the kids, is very similar to only talking about work.

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Speaker 1: What if we don't have kids, what if you want

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Speaker 1: to you want to focus on old thing, on another business, right,

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Speaker 1: and you always want to talk about work once. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: one partner is like I just don't want to do

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Speaker 1: I want my friend right now in this moment. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to talk about the marriage. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to talk about counseling. I don't want to talk about

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Speaker 1: the kids. I don't want to talk about business on

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Speaker 1: top of that people's lifestyle be different. Right, Brian was

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Speaker 1: just coming back from college. He was used to being

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Speaker 1: in and out on his own terms, on his own time,

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Speaker 1: and he was paying rent. I had a wife at

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Speaker 1: home and I had a son at home. I'm not

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Speaker 1: used to someone else being in my space, coming in

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Speaker 1: and out. So there is no right and wrong in

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Speaker 1: that situation. It's just a difference of lifestyle. And it

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Speaker 1: didn't work collectively for the two rights because it for

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Speaker 1: you it was a safety thing. You were like, Yo,

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Speaker 1: when I locked my doors at night in my house

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Speaker 1: and I'm expecting to sleep soundly because if I hear

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Speaker 1: some rattling at the door, nobody might get their head

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Speaker 1: taken off, you know. So it became like it's a

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Speaker 1: safety thing. You were like, Yo, you have to let

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Speaker 1: me know if anyone's coming in and out of here

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Speaker 1: at random time, just because you know, I need to know, um.

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Speaker 1: And you can't sleep sound in your own house when

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Speaker 1: you know that's happening, you know, um. But stay in

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Speaker 1: your familiar places. Situations and relationships kind of gives people comfort.

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Speaker 1: And I think people rely on comfort a lot in

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Speaker 1: these situations because why they don't want to make it uncomfortable.

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Speaker 1: So that uncomfortable conversation that you then had to have

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Speaker 1: with your brother, it's like, how did you decipher how

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Speaker 1: am I gonna How am I going to roll this

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Speaker 1: out to him? Without it being from a petty standpoint,

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Speaker 1: because people might think, oh, ship, like now you want

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Speaker 1: to dissolve the business because he left here in the

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Speaker 1: sink at home, Like was that really worth it? But no,

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Speaker 1: you guys had already had differences and how you wanted

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Speaker 1: to roll out the business plan and how the work

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Speaker 1: was divided. So I think it was a compounded amount

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Speaker 1: of things that really got you to the decision. It

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Speaker 1: wasn't just like it wasn't up and wanted to just

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Speaker 1: have a tantrum and dissolve the business. No, no, no, no, no, no.

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Speaker 1: I was that was a joke as far as me

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Speaker 1: being petty and dissolving the business. But it really was,

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Speaker 1: um something that he and I had to sit down

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Speaker 1: with and decide what was best for us as brothers

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Speaker 1: because it got to a point where, um, the tension

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Speaker 1: was so bad in the house. We would both show

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Speaker 1: up to our parents house as we typically did after

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Speaker 1: going to the gym, because that was a neutral site.

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Speaker 1: And we didn't speak to each other. We didn't talk,

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Speaker 1: you know, And Um, I learned a lot about myself

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Speaker 1: during that process that I like things a certain way

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Speaker 1: and even if you're my best friend, that doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: that we have to work together because you like things

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Speaker 1: in a certain way as well, you like things differently,

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Speaker 1: and that that brings me to um the topic in

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Speaker 1: general of letting it go, right, letting it go doesn't

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Speaker 1: only mean, you know, with your friends or your family,

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Speaker 1: but it could also mean divorce. Right. You and I

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Speaker 1: never ever talk about divorce. Yeah, definitely have made a

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Speaker 1: decision in our marriage that divorce is not going to

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Speaker 1: be on the table. But we do have people ask

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Speaker 1: us all the time, like, I'm married, I don't know

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Speaker 1: if it's going in the right direction, you know, do

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Speaker 1: you think I should look for a divorce? Should I

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Speaker 1: let this person go? And that's ultimately what this topic

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Speaker 1: of the show is knowing when it's okay to say

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Speaker 1: it's time to move forward. And UM, I want to

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Speaker 1: start by saying this and using my brother as an example,

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Speaker 1: because he's not He wasn't a love interest, you know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying. The wasn't about us having differences because

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Speaker 1: most people think when when there's a divorce, happened, what happened,

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Speaker 1: someone cheated, it's infidelity, right, And I wanted to use

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Speaker 1: this as an example because there was no cheating going on.

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Speaker 1: This is my brother we're talking about. But our lifestyles

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Speaker 1: were so different. Our mindsets on what we wanted for

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Speaker 1: each other, what we we wanted for ourselves in that

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Speaker 1: moment didn't work. And even though collectively we were making

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Speaker 1: money working together as a business, the friendship and the

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Speaker 1: brotherhood was more important to both of us that we

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Speaker 1: was like, we can't work together. Imagine if people applied

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Speaker 1: that same principle to marriage and friendships. Right, You have

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Speaker 1: a wife or a husband, and over time, living together,

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Speaker 1: you realize that your lifestyles are different. You realize over

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Speaker 1: time that even the marriage, the way we do business

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Speaker 1: and conduct business in our marriage is different, and neither

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Speaker 1: one of you want to change. That is the moment

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Speaker 1: when you realize it is okay for us to let

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Speaker 1: things go. For you and I, for example, we talk

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Speaker 1: about we over me, right, We're both in it collectively.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna do what I have to do and evolve

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Speaker 1: and change. For you, You're gonna do the same thing

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Speaker 1: for me if it were different, And I said, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm said, in my ways, I like doing

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Speaker 1: things the way I want to and I'm not in

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Speaker 1: a position nor I do I think I ever want

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Speaker 1: to be in a position where I have to change

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Speaker 1: for someone. And you're in a relationship with someone who

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Speaker 1: believes the same thing, you can be in agreement that

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Speaker 1: it's not okay for y'all to be together and be

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Speaker 1: better apart. We've seen some of our closest friends who've

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Speaker 1: been together longer than Kadine and I decide that they

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Speaker 1: no longer wanted to be together and became better friends

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Speaker 1: because they became healthier partners, and we're able to co parent.

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Speaker 1: And we have friends that have a business together and

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Speaker 1: children together and have been effortless. Their separation and divorce

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Speaker 1: has been effortless because they're in agreement that they believe

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Speaker 1: in their own way. And I feel that if more

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Speaker 1: people were mature enough to have that conversation and decide

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Speaker 1: that we're not gonna still together for optics, you know,

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Speaker 1: because for me and Brian it was the same thing

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Speaker 1: what we started prototype together. If we split up, people

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Speaker 1: going to think and then we were like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: no one realistically has to know will understand why it happened. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: for sure, businesses dissolved all the time. We can dissolve

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Speaker 1: the business. I changed the name from Elite Prototype Athletics

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Speaker 1: to Prototype Sports Performance Lab, got a different business partner,

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Speaker 1: and the business thrive. My brothers started coaching at Grand

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Speaker 1: Street Campus, won the city championship, went back and got

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Speaker 1: his master's degree. We had another child. He ended up

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Speaker 1: getting another place, We ended up buying a home. It's

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Speaker 1: like that split made us better individually, but it also

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Speaker 1: did what it was supposed to do when we were together.

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Speaker 1: Imported y'all the opportunity to say that's amortant business and

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Speaker 1: all that. And that is actually the silver lining around

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Speaker 1: the whole moment of y'all dissolve in the company. We

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Speaker 1: got what we needed out of it. Yes, you did,

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Speaker 1: and he did. You know, Um, you also said something important.

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Speaker 1: You said what he said to you. You know what

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Speaker 1: what people think if we dissolved the company, and it's

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Speaker 1: what a lot of people experience with divorced For example, right,

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Speaker 1: we know several people who are just in unhappy places

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Speaker 1: in their marriage and just for optics. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if it's for comfort, just feel like I'm just going

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Speaker 1: to exist in this space. No, I'm not, like you

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Speaker 1: don't think it's just that I think part of it

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Speaker 1: is optics, because we've been conditioned to feel as if

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Speaker 1: if you get a divorce, failure, and most people, for

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Speaker 1: their own psychological reasons, like I'm not going to be

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Speaker 1: a failure, so I'm gonna stay in here miserable as

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Speaker 1: opposed to finding my peace. What we ultimately have to

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Speaker 1: do is normalize people deciding to make changes in their

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Speaker 1: lives and not being condemned for Normalize people making changes

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Speaker 1: for their betterment, for their well being, for their mental health.

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Speaker 1: Like we want to throw mental health around so much. Now,

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Speaker 1: it's like if this relationship is no longer serving me

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Speaker 1: in this space, or I know that I am not

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Speaker 1: in a condition or a position to be of service

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Speaker 1: to someone in this space being mature enough to say,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I think we need to let this

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Speaker 1: go and letting people throw I mean, we got one

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Speaker 1: shot at this one shot. So it's like why it's like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I see an experience, you know, the energy

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Speaker 1: from certain couples around me that I'm just like, man, like,

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Speaker 1: I feel like y'all will just thrive so much better

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Speaker 1: if you were maybe apart. You know, like you hate

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Speaker 1: to be the one to say that, or I can

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Speaker 1: think it internally and never express it, but you just wonder, like, man,

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Speaker 1: I wonder if this couple would be just happier if

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Speaker 1: they're just so different. So let me ask you all,

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Speaker 1: they are there certain things or not. I won't say

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Speaker 1: red flags because that's just like, but it's there something.

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Speaker 1: Is there anything that you'd be like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I think divorce may be better for this couple. Are

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Speaker 1: there's certain things you look at in a couple when

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Speaker 1: you say, nah, they need to be divorce because you know,

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Speaker 1: we always work on helping people build, like that's always

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00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,600
Speaker 1: our biggest thing, is like, let's try to work and communicate.

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Speaker 1: Is there any point where you say, nah, they need

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Speaker 1: to let this go? I mean I think yeah, I

399
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Speaker 1: think there's um For example, if a couple are in

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Speaker 1: two different wavelengths, for example, with just what they want

401
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:03,439
Speaker 1: out of life, that can be extremely daunting. We had

402
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Speaker 1: a listener letter recently. I don't know how it's going

403
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Speaker 1: to roll out in the episodes, but it talked about

404
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,399
Speaker 1: resentment being built because you know, this person was like

405
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,800
Speaker 1: a go getter trying to build their business, and we

406
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Speaker 1: were assessing the situation and thinking, you know, maybe her

407
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Speaker 1: spouse was just comfortable with his simple lifestyle. So when

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Speaker 1: you have one person who's always just one person who's

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Speaker 1: always pounding the pavement looking for the next next gig,

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Speaker 1: what's the next move, what's the next one. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to ascend, And then you have one person who is

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Speaker 1: just like content with just I got a roof over

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Speaker 1: my head, I closed on my back, I'm okay with

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Speaker 1: a simple life. That is a toxic environment to be

415
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Speaker 1: in because why, you've got one person who always feels

416
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Speaker 1: like they're putting themselves out on the limb, who's always

417
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Speaker 1: going to be pushing to be the breadwinner, and then

418
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Speaker 1: you've got one person who's sitting back saying I'm comfortable.

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Speaker 1: You know, there's so many different emotions from either party

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Speaker 1: that can just be so toxic. That's so funny, Right,

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Speaker 1: part of the reason why my brother and I didn't

422
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Speaker 1: work in the business was that the same exact reason.

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Speaker 1: How when I when you think about my life, right,

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00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,600
Speaker 1: I've always been a dreamer, Right, I went from I

425
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:07,880
Speaker 1: want to start a program, I want to own a gym,

426
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Speaker 1: I want to have multiple gyms. I wanted, like I

427
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,800
Speaker 1: wanted prototype to be this big national thing. My brother

428
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,399
Speaker 1: was like, we have a community here in Brooklyn that

429
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:19,800
Speaker 1: needs to be service. I'm comfortable servicing the community now.

430
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,760
Speaker 1: Is he wrong? No? Am I wrong? No? It's just

431
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:28,440
Speaker 1: two different mentalities and mindsets working on the same business

432
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,960
Speaker 1: and it can't work that way. Because he was hyper

433
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,800
Speaker 1: focused on the kids in the community, and for me,

434
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,040
Speaker 1: it was like, yeah, I know, but we have so

435
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,320
Speaker 1: much that we can give an offer to so many

436
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,040
Speaker 1: other kids. Why just limited to kids in the community.

437
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,320
Speaker 1: And for him, he would just he couldn't fathom it.

438
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,879
Speaker 1: He was just like, how are we going to service

439
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,159
Speaker 1: the nation about? And I'm thinking about other programs. I

440
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,800
Speaker 1: thought about doing a prototype or demand, which was an app,

441
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,760
Speaker 1: and all this other stuff. And I didn't feel the

442
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,640
Speaker 1: support from my brother when they came to doing all

443
00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:00,399
Speaker 1: of those things. He thought I was doing too much right,

444
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,800
Speaker 1: And then if you if you look at the way

445
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,840
Speaker 1: our lives have gone right, We've built this platform to

446
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,960
Speaker 1: help people on a national and international scale. So I

447
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,840
Speaker 1: was able to do and scale what I wanted to do,

448
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,399
Speaker 1: and my brother was able to do and scale what

449
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:16,080
Speaker 1: he wanted to do because he ended up winning a

450
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,040
Speaker 1: city championship in two thousand fifteen. He's the head coach

451
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,119
Speaker 1: of Canarsi High School now. He does a bunch of

452
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,120
Speaker 1: free programs for kids in Canarsi right now. And it's like, wow,

453
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:28,000
Speaker 1: they both were extremely successful at what they wanted to do.

454
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:31,359
Speaker 1: But in that moment when we were together, we couldn't

455
00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:34,840
Speaker 1: get anything done. We were just moving in circles arguing, yeah,

456
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,360
Speaker 1: because you felt like he wasn't doing enough. You felt

457
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,159
Speaker 1: like you would dragging him along, and he felt like

458
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,760
Speaker 1: he was the worker b you know, he was the

459
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,800
Speaker 1: worker being devoured. Was like the innovative mind, and I

460
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,399
Speaker 1: think you have to also respect people and what they

461
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,280
Speaker 1: are comfortable. I was wanting to do, like not everybody

462
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:54,320
Speaker 1: is going to be the innovative creative mind, you know,

463
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,240
Speaker 1: and then what does the innovative creative mind need the

464
00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,400
Speaker 1: worker bees who are actually going to implement and put

465
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:03,200
Speaker 1: these you know, ideas into place, and just even knowing

466
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,040
Speaker 1: being experienced with you and be married to you, like

467
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,640
Speaker 1: I've told you recently that I feel like you need

468
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,080
Speaker 1: to do more of being present in the moments that

469
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:14,360
Speaker 1: you're in and absorbing and being happy and being grateful

470
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:18,600
Speaker 1: for and also just celebrating yourself in moments of accomplishments.

471
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,320
Speaker 1: For example, you twenty years ago told me that you

472
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 1: want to have your own TV show, and literally almost

473
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,200
Speaker 1: twenty years to the date, you have your own TV show,

474
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:34,400
Speaker 1: Like this was October two and your show premiered September two,

475
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 1: twenty two. And when it hit us when we had

476
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,399
Speaker 1: this conversation recently, I'm like, do you even realize that,

477
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 1: first of all, this was twenty years in the making,

478
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,479
Speaker 1: So when people see you now or see us now

479
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,440
Speaker 1: and think like that this ship happened overnight, and oh no,

480
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,280
Speaker 1: it didn't. Twenty years in the making to the date,

481
00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:51,719
Speaker 1: and I was just like, oh my, I almost made

482
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,399
Speaker 1: me emotional. I'm like, devout. You need to be present

483
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,960
Speaker 1: in this, Like do you understand how big this is?

484
00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,399
Speaker 1: You have your own show twenty years in you know?

485
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,480
Speaker 1: And I'm just so happy for that and happy for

486
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:06,240
Speaker 1: you in that moment um. But yeah, it was something

487
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,960
Speaker 1: that we always kind of saw between you and Brian,

488
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 1: for example, and I see that in some married couples

489
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,160
Speaker 1: now where that can be grounds for a divorce because

490
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,919
Speaker 1: y'all are just not on the same wave like they

491
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,560
Speaker 1: want different things out of life. But now here's the

492
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 1: crazy part, Right, most people are not going to be

493
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,200
Speaker 1: in the same wave length. You know what the red

494
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,840
Speaker 1: flag was or the line in the sand that we

495
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,359
Speaker 1: had to end the relationship in that way was when

496
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 1: the communication stopped. And I used the example with the

497
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,240
Speaker 1: hair brush as an example for a reason. Right, that

498
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,879
Speaker 1: hair brush story was a microcosm of what our relationship was. Right,

499
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 1: something happens right, something very very small, and it can

500
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:48,560
Speaker 1: easily be communicated of what happened, someone can take accountability.

501
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,680
Speaker 1: But when you have two people who are both in

502
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,080
Speaker 1: the relationship to prove that their way of doing things

503
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,320
Speaker 1: is right, and neither one is willing to listen to

504
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,399
Speaker 1: the other partner for the better meant of the whole group,

505
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,239
Speaker 1: that means a communication is done. When we would get

506
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,080
Speaker 1: around our parents, we wouldn't talk. When we when we

507
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 1: got to the gym and got to work, he did

508
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,000
Speaker 1: his job. I did mind. We didn't talk at that point,

509
00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:14,439
Speaker 1: especially in a marriage or even a friendship, that's when

510
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:17,680
Speaker 1: it's time to move on. Because, like you said, every

511
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,800
Speaker 1: relationship realistically has its season, and its season is determined

512
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,920
Speaker 1: on how much the two people are willing to communicate

513
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:28,920
Speaker 1: to help each other out. Once the communication or the

514
00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:32,480
Speaker 1: ability or the need or the want or the desire

515
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,080
Speaker 1: to communicate to change for each other ends, that's when

516
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:38,840
Speaker 1: the season is done. And that doesn't only have to

517
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,480
Speaker 1: be in a relationship. It can also be in a friendship,

518
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,040
Speaker 1: because we see a lot of friendships who you're friends

519
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,879
Speaker 1: for five or ten years and now you're no longer friends.

520
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,960
Speaker 1: Why because y'all live differently, and then in the friendship

521
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:54,480
Speaker 1: no longer serves me or serves them. So until we

522
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,720
Speaker 1: can communicate in a way where it's beneficial for both

523
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 1: of us, we need to just let it go. And

524
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:02,680
Speaker 1: I feel like we're divorce especially, and I know it

525
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,119
Speaker 1: sounds bad because people like there's never a reason for divorce.

526
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,600
Speaker 1: Yes there is reason for divorce, and those reasons often

527
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:13,159
Speaker 1: are outside of the typical or stereotypical this person cheated,

528
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:17,159
Speaker 1: had a baby. Sometimes people need to have a divorce

529
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:21,439
Speaker 1: because they're just not the same people anymore. You evolve, right,

530
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,480
Speaker 1: and that's okay. You learn more about yourself over the years.

531
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like we're an anomaly because you know,

532
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,080
Speaker 1: I mean, we have come across a lot of couples

533
00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 1: to say, hey, we've been dating since high school or college.

534
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,040
Speaker 1: But the fact that we still have the desire, I

535
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:36,520
Speaker 1: think that's the that's the component that's the most important.

536
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,960
Speaker 1: Having the desire to want to continue to pour into

537
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,200
Speaker 1: and work on and communicate through a relationship, whether it's

538
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:47,320
Speaker 1: a friendship, whether it's a family relationship, whether it's a marriage.

539
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:49,720
Speaker 1: That's probably the most important piece. I feel like we've

540
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:53,480
Speaker 1: been seeing, at least in social media recently, like every

541
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:56,479
Speaker 1: other day someone's popping up divorce and meaning these are

542
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,679
Speaker 1: like celebrity couples or couples who are just like YO,

543
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,160
Speaker 1: didn't such and such just get married like they would

544
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,960
Speaker 1: just posting winning pictures the other day, and now we're

545
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,680
Speaker 1: hearing that they're divorced. Um. So some facts and stats

546
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,520
Speaker 1: we have it says overall the rates of divorce in

547
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 1: America is falling, which would make you think the opposite

548
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,200
Speaker 1: if you're paying attention to social media, that's why social

549
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,840
Speaker 1: media is not in place. Yeah, exactly, because if you're

550
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,000
Speaker 1: looking at actual facts and that's that's not the case.

551
00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 1: Do you understand why divorces are are falling. I think

552
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,040
Speaker 1: it's I think it's because people are not people getting

553
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,800
Speaker 1: married as quick. Agree, you know, so if you're waiting

554
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,119
Speaker 1: to get married or just the marriage rate in general

555
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: is lower than divorce rate is going to be lower.

556
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:34,920
Speaker 1: But what were you going to say? I would also

557
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,280
Speaker 1: say that was a good one. But I also going

558
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:40,760
Speaker 1: to say our generation is now more communicative. We're we're

559
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:44,720
Speaker 1: no longer accepted of tradition traditions. Right, so it's like,

560
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:49,040
Speaker 1: oh the whole thing, well, wives going nag, happy wife,

561
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,119
Speaker 1: happy life. Boys will be boys. Let that man do

562
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 1: what he does. Those were traditions that were extremely toxic

563
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,520
Speaker 1: that allowed for poor communication skills to where men never

564
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,639
Speaker 1: had to communicate with the you just do what they

565
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,240
Speaker 1: want to accept and women were just like they were

566
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:05,879
Speaker 1: known as just nags. You didn't know how to communicate.

567
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 1: So it was like both parties were taught through traditions

568
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 1: and conditioning that communication doesn't solve anything. Just let them

569
00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:14,399
Speaker 1: do what they do and stay married for optics. But

570
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:16,800
Speaker 1: look what you just said about that generation right now.

571
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:21,200
Speaker 1: Another fact is divorces amongst people aged fifty plus years

572
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:24,240
Speaker 1: are rising, So now that makes it's fed up, and

573
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,320
Speaker 1: they're just like, I'm not doing this more. Not only

574
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 1: fed up though, they're actually finally talking to each other

575
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:33,119
Speaker 1: and realizing like, hey, we don't have to stay together,

576
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,920
Speaker 1: and that's okay, you know what I'm saying. So I

577
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 1: don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It's like people

578
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:44,600
Speaker 1: are speaking and deciding what's what's advantageous for us individually,

579
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,520
Speaker 1: us as a couple, and also the kids that are involved,

580
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 1: well the kids. So now that makes me think of

581
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,880
Speaker 1: these couples who are now fifty years plus their kids

582
00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 1: are our age. We're the ones that are now encouraging

583
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,800
Speaker 1: dialogue between our parents generation for example, right, absolutely, how

584
00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 1: any times have you or I had to step in

585
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 1: almost like you know, a mediator or counselor or a

586
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 1: therapist for our parents, because we're seeing things now as

587
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,880
Speaker 1: adults that were just like, well god damn, like I

588
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,400
Speaker 1: really don't just like not talk to each other yet,

589
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:16,640
Speaker 1: you know, And to be fear, our parents weren't given

590
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:19,840
Speaker 1: the tools by their parents, absolutely not how to be

591
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: more communicative. You know. It's like as as you learn

592
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,480
Speaker 1: better as a different generation, you should do better. And

593
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:27,680
Speaker 1: sometimes doing better doesn't mean you do better for the

594
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:31,240
Speaker 1: next generation. Sometimes you gotta you gotta circle the block.

595
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:33,760
Speaker 1: You'll spend the block and be like, hey, mom and dad,

596
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:36,240
Speaker 1: have y'all ever tried this? This is something that we've

597
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,680
Speaker 1: learned watching your generation, And a lot of times these

598
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: people are looking at each other and be like, you

599
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,480
Speaker 1: know what, the kids are right And all the time

600
00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:45,520
Speaker 1: we thought we were doing stuff to save that doing

601
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:47,760
Speaker 1: it for the kids, and they're really telling us how

602
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 1: that didn't really save them together for the kids. That

603
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 1: generation now is like, oh, ship, our kids are grown,

604
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 1: Like we're not doing this facade thing anymore. Because we

605
00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 1: have comming together for the kids. We can go our

606
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:02,640
Speaker 1: every way and enjoy what's left of our life, which

607
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,640
Speaker 1: I applaud that when people make that decision, um fewer

608
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:11,320
Speaker 1: couples choose to marry than pre more people are married

609
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:14,840
Speaker 1: in one than in nineteen sixty. So this one that

610
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 1: says fewer couples choose to marry than for example, I

611
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,200
Speaker 1: guess I guess what they're saying is a fewer couples

612
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:23,200
Speaker 1: choose to marry me couples will be together and have

613
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,520
Speaker 1: these compentations decides you know what marriage isn't for me?

614
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,440
Speaker 1: That's true because marriage isn't for everybody. The marriage isn't

615
00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:30,880
Speaker 1: to be all the end all. We talked about this

616
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:35,040
Speaker 1: all the time. Choosing marriages like choosing to be a vegan.

617
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 1: It's a lifestyle choice, it's not a lifestyle obligation. You

618
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,280
Speaker 1: don't lose cool points because you're not vegan. You don't

619
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,120
Speaker 1: lose cool points because you're not married. But that's the

620
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:45,440
Speaker 1: case nowadays, because back in the day that wasn't the case.

621
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,400
Speaker 1: If a woman is rolling on her thirties and she's

622
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,280
Speaker 1: not married yet, now it's just like, well, why isn't

623
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:54,080
Speaker 1: she married? What's wrong with her? And that was back

624
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:57,880
Speaker 1: in the day when socio economically, women had a better

625
00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:01,640
Speaker 1: chance of advancing in society if they were married, and

626
00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 1: it was a status thing. But now women have better careers,

627
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:07,120
Speaker 1: they're doing their own things, so now it's like I

628
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,880
Speaker 1: don't need to have a man to feel fulfilled or

629
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:13,400
Speaker 1: to move upwardly in society. So socio economically things have

630
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 1: changed for women in this country, which which have also

631
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:19,520
Speaker 1: affected so many of these different stats. For sure, they're

632
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:22,480
Speaker 1: around six hundred and thirty thousand divorces in the US.

633
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,280
Speaker 1: That was a tough time two people was at home.

634
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,960
Speaker 1: People couldn't it was at home and couldn't escape. You know,

635
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,360
Speaker 1: thinking of how many people are in the US and

636
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,440
Speaker 1: that rate, I don't think that it doesn't seem that high.

637
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:37,840
Speaker 1: I guess we'd have to know against how many people

638
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,080
Speaker 1: were actually married, and most Americans who fought for divorce

639
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,440
Speaker 1: to do so between January and March. That's because people

640
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:47,480
Speaker 1: be fed up around Valentine's Day. Let me tell you something,

641
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 1: No mana tired and not getting shipped on Valentine's Day. Well,

642
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:57,360
Speaker 1: y'all got all of these expectations. Y'all want diamonds and

643
00:31:57,480 --> 00:32:00,720
Speaker 1: chocolins and rings and all this other stuff, and y'all

644
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 1: want wine, and all y'all offer us is booty. And

645
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 1: then if y'all get wine, you'll get too tired. They

646
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 1: can't even give us no booty, so we just we

647
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:11,600
Speaker 1: just go to sleep on Valentine's Day pissed. That's really

648
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 1: why people getting divorced here. Well, Triple had a good

649
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:15,760
Speaker 1: point earlier pre show. She was just like, maybe people

650
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:17,200
Speaker 1: are like, we'll give it to the end of the year,

651
00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:19,120
Speaker 1: like you know, having a new fresh start. It's just

652
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:21,160
Speaker 1: like a hard I gave it to December thirty one,

653
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:26,640
Speaker 1: you know, or my New Year resolutions, dude, exactly, or

654
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:28,680
Speaker 1: you know, you know, let me get my last Christmas

655
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,640
Speaker 1: gift round, you know, before I make my my exit.

656
00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:34,479
Speaker 1: So um, that's interesting that they're trying to get divorced

657
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 1: before tax time because they're like, I'm I'm filing separate, Okay,

658
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:43,400
Speaker 1: I wanted to be away from him. Get my coin bag, baby, okay.

659
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:46,600
Speaker 1: So um, those are interesting to see. So how do

660
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:50,760
Speaker 1: you let go? In six simple steps? All right? Now?

661
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 1: Now these are steps? And I want to say that

662
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:57,360
Speaker 1: because Triple is happily single, which means she knows how

663
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,320
Speaker 1: to let people go. She'd be letting my fuckers go.

664
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,480
Speaker 1: Are you happy lea single, Triple or are you on

665
00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:04,800
Speaker 1: the hunt? You want to prowd? That's what we want

666
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:12,640
Speaker 1: to there. I'm just playing. Okay, listen, guys, shoot your shots,

667
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:17,080
Speaker 1: but don't be surprised if she blocks you. Step one, block,

668
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,160
Speaker 1: block block. Assess your values. What do you find most

669
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: important in your life? Make a list of your values

670
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,760
Speaker 1: and the ways you honor them. I love that, Yeah,

671
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:28,440
Speaker 1: I love that. I mean that's the core of where

672
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 1: everything starts for people. And I'm like, if she don't

673
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:34,200
Speaker 1: align there at the very base of core values, then

674
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,360
Speaker 1: off to the wrong start. I like these. I like

675
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:40,640
Speaker 1: that because I feel you have to be or try

676
00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:42,800
Speaker 1: your best to be as complete of a person as

677
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:46,240
Speaker 1: you can when entering into a relationship, as opposed to

678
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:49,280
Speaker 1: late waiting for someone to complete you. You understand what

679
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:51,400
Speaker 1: I'm saying, because if you're waiting for that person to

680
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:55,360
Speaker 1: complete you, they can't. It's impossible for them to complete

681
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:58,479
Speaker 1: anything that you already haven't completed in yourself. So then

682
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 1: you end up just pointing the finger and finding guilt

683
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,440
Speaker 1: in that person and trying to make them feel like

684
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:04,680
Speaker 1: they are the worst person because they haven't completed you.

685
00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 1: A relationship can't work like that, right or then if

686
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:09,359
Speaker 1: you decide to go separate ways or that person who

687
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:13,600
Speaker 1: was completing you quote unquote leaves, then what your life

688
00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:15,040
Speaker 1: is in shambles and you feel like half of your

689
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:19,840
Speaker 1: life left with you. That's assess your situation. Does it

690
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 1: align with or go against your values? Does the situation

691
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,960
Speaker 1: force you to betray yourself by directing you away from

692
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:30,279
Speaker 1: the things that are most important to you? So let

693
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,640
Speaker 1: me ask you a question that's interesting because we're talking

694
00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:36,680
Speaker 1: about this. Why is it that so many women say

695
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:40,840
Speaker 1: they lost themselves in their relationship? That's not That's not

696
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:43,920
Speaker 1: typically something you hear a man say. You typically hear

697
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,800
Speaker 1: women say, you know, you know, I you know, I

698
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:48,960
Speaker 1: lost who I was and now it's time for me

699
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,920
Speaker 1: to find who I was who I am now as individual,

700
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,840
Speaker 1: even even in marriages or after having kids. Why do

701
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,560
Speaker 1: so many women say they lost themselves? Um? I think

702
00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:01,520
Speaker 1: that's because we care so much about wanting to be

703
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,040
Speaker 1: everything that we need our spouse or are significant other

704
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,840
Speaker 1: to be that. Sometimes you find yourself just really in

705
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 1: this rat race of trying to appease somebody else, or

706
00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:14,920
Speaker 1: to be of service to somebody else, or to pour

707
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:18,200
Speaker 1: into somebody else that along the way, you're just like ship,

708
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,800
Speaker 1: what do I like? Again? Like the focus is just

709
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 1: shifted from you to somebody else. I'm gonna tell you

710
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:27,160
Speaker 1: what I think it is. You don't think it's that, No,

711
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:30,279
Speaker 1: it is. I think it's the way we've been brought up.

712
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,040
Speaker 1: Men have been conditioned to go out there and conquer

713
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:37,359
Speaker 1: so a wild get get find ourselves, do what we want,

714
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:44,200
Speaker 1: where women have been conditioned to be selected by a man. Right, Like,

715
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:48,080
Speaker 1: if you think about the value proposition, right, even for women. Right,

716
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:50,800
Speaker 1: a woman can be the president of the United States

717
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,440
Speaker 1: if she's single. You know what they're gonna say, She's

718
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:54,960
Speaker 1: not run the country, but she can't keep a man,

719
00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:58,240
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. So I feel like society

720
00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 1: has put all this pressure on women to prove her

721
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:03,200
Speaker 1: value by showing that she can be acceptable by be

722
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,000
Speaker 1: accepted a chosen by a man. So I feel like

723
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,359
Speaker 1: a lot of times women go into relationships saying, Okay,

724
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,680
Speaker 1: that's the type of man I want to be accepted by,

725
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:13,600
Speaker 1: So let me see what I have to do in

726
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:16,320
Speaker 1: order to be accepted. You know, it's more like curtailing

727
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:21,239
Speaker 1: your lifestyle to be accepted. Yes, and almost a song

728
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:23,239
Speaker 1: and dance, yes, right, And this is this is just

729
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: my my humble opinion. You know what I'm saying. Of

730
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:27,520
Speaker 1: course this I'm not a woman, so I know what

731
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:30,239
Speaker 1: goes into it. But when I look at society and

732
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:34,680
Speaker 1: I see the way we all interact, it's always a show. Right. So,

733
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:38,160
Speaker 1: for example, a woman's value proposition is to prove that

734
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:40,719
Speaker 1: she's acceptable or she can be received by a man

735
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,160
Speaker 1: or kept by a man for a man. It's how

736
00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:46,040
Speaker 1: many women can you have? And how much money can

737
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:48,640
Speaker 1: you make to show your value as a man. See

738
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:52,759
Speaker 1: how different that is. So for us, it's never oh

739
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:55,360
Speaker 1: well you don't got a wife, or it's not a

740
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:59,240
Speaker 1: grooming yourself for a man. Right, right, you're not grooming yourself. Particularly,

741
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:01,880
Speaker 1: you're not wooming yourself for a woman. And if a

742
00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:04,680
Speaker 1: man is single, and they may call him immature and

743
00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:06,800
Speaker 1: say why she why he chases so many young girls,

744
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:09,479
Speaker 1: but he never loses his value for being an older

745
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,920
Speaker 1: man and not having a wife. So for him, his

746
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:14,759
Speaker 1: purpose in life has been shifted. His purpose in life

747
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:19,360
Speaker 1: is shifted to looking for wealth or power or or

748
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,360
Speaker 1: conquering so many different women. That's what his what he

749
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,080
Speaker 1: sees his value in. And I think it's toxic for

750
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,480
Speaker 1: both men and women to exist in that space. And

751
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:30,279
Speaker 1: we've talked about this before because if we're teaching and

752
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:33,000
Speaker 1: grooming men to live in that space, but then we're

753
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,080
Speaker 1: teaching women to try to find a man to be

754
00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:38,240
Speaker 1: accepted by. Right, how do those two people come together

755
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:41,000
Speaker 1: and have a relationship if they're not groomed to be

756
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:44,480
Speaker 1: for each other? What I'm saying, So, that's that's what

757
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:46,480
Speaker 1: I think it is. When when when women say they

758
00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,360
Speaker 1: lost themselves because even even our friends that we know,

759
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,760
Speaker 1: you know, it was just like you never liked that before.

760
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:55,120
Speaker 1: Now you're dating this guy, and all of a sudden,

761
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:59,720
Speaker 1: you you like that, Like you know what that's different

762
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:02,759
Speaker 1: that when people when people kind of like start to

763
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:05,520
Speaker 1: um your right life. What was it? I think it

764
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,279
Speaker 1: was one of your cousins you said, like whenever he's

765
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:09,439
Speaker 1: dating a certain kind of woman, like he's all into

766
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:13,160
Speaker 1: their coach. He's just like he instantly becomes Puerto Rican

767
00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:15,640
Speaker 1: or instantly becomes Jamaican, Like depending on who he's dating.

768
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:19,440
Speaker 1: It's just like who are you today? Absolutely accept yes,

769
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:22,319
Speaker 1: looking for because he wants to you know, he wants

770
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:25,680
Speaker 1: to be a part of that. Right. You have a

771
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:29,880
Speaker 1: family member that has never been married, doesn't have any children,

772
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:33,160
Speaker 1: he's a male and he's just living his best life

773
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,120
Speaker 1: knowing that he never wanted to be married, never had children,

774
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:39,200
Speaker 1: and just is rocking out. No, he wanted to be married.

775
00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:41,080
Speaker 1: Oh he didn't want to be married, but he never

776
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:43,680
Speaker 1: wanted to settle. He was never going to settle with

777
00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:47,279
Speaker 1: someone just because he was going to be judged by

778
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:50,439
Speaker 1: people for not being married. You know what I'm saying.

779
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:52,760
Speaker 1: And if we're being honest. The only thing that happens,

780
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,000
Speaker 1: especially in that he's an older gentleman in those generations,

781
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:57,400
Speaker 1: is people often say, sometimes well he's not married. Was

782
00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:01,000
Speaker 1: he gay? But even that has changed from because now

783
00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:03,800
Speaker 1: it's like, dude, like, he don't want to be married.

784
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 1: He just got mad chicks and he just don't want

785
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:08,480
Speaker 1: to be bogged down by one person. But when I

786
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,239
Speaker 1: did ask him about it, I was just like, yo,

787
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:12,000
Speaker 1: you never wanted to get married? Said, of course I did.

788
00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 1: I wanted to get married, and of course I wanted

789
00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:16,040
Speaker 1: to have children. But he never wanted to settle. That's

790
00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:18,600
Speaker 1: that's also kind of admirable because I know a lot

791
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:21,800
Speaker 1: of a lot of people who would have just been like,

792
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:24,080
Speaker 1: all right, well, I mean this person, you know, checks

793
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,680
Speaker 1: about my boxes, so we're gonna try to make it work,

794
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:31,680
Speaker 1: you know, And then on the opposite side and they're miserable. True,

795
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:33,879
Speaker 1: very true. I mean he's contenting the fact that he's

796
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:36,920
Speaker 1: not married. It seems like he's not content. He's happy, right,

797
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,480
Speaker 1: he's not content, Like when I speak to him, he's

798
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:42,000
Speaker 1: not like, that's true. I'm doing okay of here. He

799
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:47,080
Speaker 1: always smiling, always somewhere. That is and we see him,

800
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,960
Speaker 1: we always see him with an attractive woman around his age,

801
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:53,719
Speaker 1: so he's still definitely doing his thing. But yeah, he's

802
00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:55,759
Speaker 1: moving freely. I'm just trying to think if it was

803
00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,040
Speaker 1: the other way around, and then you have a woman

804
00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:01,880
Speaker 1: who's of his age, for example, in there, what they're

805
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:04,240
Speaker 1: going to it's just going to get that quote unquote

806
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:06,960
Speaker 1: old made syndrome, like, oh, she's all made with nobody

807
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:11,040
Speaker 1: but living her best life him and they get together

808
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,040
Speaker 1: and they have a good time, you know, absolutely. And

809
00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: the thing is there is never too old. You know,

810
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 1: we hear all the time now on social media people

811
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,520
Speaker 1: find loving the fifties, sixties, you know. I just I

812
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 1: just feel like the way society has conditioned us, the

813
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:29,440
Speaker 1: old you know, the patriarchy has created you know, a

814
00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:33,439
Speaker 1: generation of people now who find themselves kind of lost,

815
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:36,680
Speaker 1: especially especially for women. You know, you can do all

816
00:40:36,719 --> 00:40:38,759
Speaker 1: these great things, and if you're not married by a

817
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:42,600
Speaker 1: certain age, your value diminishes because and not married. I think,

818
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:44,840
Speaker 1: and I do think that that's going to change because

819
00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:48,080
Speaker 1: our generation and the generations after us are speaking more

820
00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:50,719
Speaker 1: about the value that you can bring to life without

821
00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:53,399
Speaker 1: having children of being married. But I think it's also

822
00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:56,279
Speaker 1: changing from the men in particular, a lot more men.

823
00:40:56,440 --> 00:41:00,759
Speaker 1: If you see, especially in our communities, men are championing,

824
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:06,120
Speaker 1: championing other men who have families and you traditional ways

825
00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:10,239
Speaker 1: to bring forth and pass forth generational wealth. Yeah. Right,

826
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:14,520
Speaker 1: so we we see like like the dad guys, all

827
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:17,320
Speaker 1: men who are men who are married or were married,

828
00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:20,000
Speaker 1: who are invested in their families, invested in their children,

829
00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:24,600
Speaker 1: who aren't um considering their value in how many women

830
00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,279
Speaker 1: they've slept with or how much money they make. Their

831
00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:29,920
Speaker 1: value is determined by how good of a father they are.

832
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,920
Speaker 1: And the more that changes, you'll see a lot more

833
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:35,040
Speaker 1: marriages going up, in a lot more of the divorce

834
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,759
Speaker 1: rate going down, which is proven, and marriage rates going

835
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:39,680
Speaker 1: up because people want to aspire to that. There's still

836
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:42,160
Speaker 1: people who aspire to be married and aspired to have

837
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:45,239
Speaker 1: absolutely know the quote unquote white picket fence and things

838
00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:48,200
Speaker 1: like that. Um, you know. So I just think the

839
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:52,239
Speaker 1: onus isn't knowing exactly what you want, all right. Number three,

840
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:55,799
Speaker 1: Acknowledge the good. While the situation may be bad now,

841
00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:58,960
Speaker 1: it wasn't always that way. It's okay to remember the

842
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,960
Speaker 1: good times finally and express gratitude for them, But it

843
00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:04,640
Speaker 1: is important to acknowledge that those good times are not

844
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:08,239
Speaker 1: what is present. So that's pretty cool, just healthy. It's

845
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:10,480
Speaker 1: healthy to know like, at one point this was good,

846
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:12,640
Speaker 1: but it's no longer serving. You know, one thing I

847
00:42:12,719 --> 00:42:16,279
Speaker 1: can't stand in divorces. When people get divorced and now

848
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:18,359
Speaker 1: everything that that person did was the worst thing ever.

849
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,520
Speaker 1: I loved that person at fact. Don't don't go don't

850
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:24,840
Speaker 1: walk around now acting like that person is the devil, Okay,

851
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,719
Speaker 1: because if that's the case, you loved the devil at

852
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:30,040
Speaker 1: some point, you know, at some point, like people change,

853
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:33,000
Speaker 1: things happen, situations, and Kenina and I always say this,

854
00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 1: what came first? The chicken and the egg. Everyone has

855
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:38,799
Speaker 1: a story as to why they hate their ex. Right,

856
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:42,239
Speaker 1: he did this, she did this. Then you asked the person, well,

857
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:45,320
Speaker 1: he did this, she did that. What happened first? No

858
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:49,000
Speaker 1: one wants to claim what was the start of this

859
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:52,239
Speaker 1: snowball that created the divorce. So let's not even go there.

860
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,279
Speaker 1: Let's talk about the happy times and remember that you

861
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 1: know you're both humans, you both have good redeeming qualities.

862
00:42:57,640 --> 00:43:00,040
Speaker 1: Remember that in that separation, and be like, you know what,

863
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:03,000
Speaker 1: I loved you for this reason and allow people who

864
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:06,920
Speaker 1: are mutual friends of yours to not have to decide

865
00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:10,919
Speaker 1: to pick the side. Bro. For the love of God,

866
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,840
Speaker 1: y'all liked each other at some point, and then we

867
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 1: liked y'all too right. We may not have liked y'all together,

868
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,400
Speaker 1: but we could like y'all as individuals, and we can

869
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:23,480
Speaker 1: continue to like y'all as individuals after the fact. But

870
00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:26,440
Speaker 1: I think sometimes when that letting go divorce process happens,

871
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:28,239
Speaker 1: it's like, who side are you going to be on?

872
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 1: First of all, I'm on the side of the Lord,

873
00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:34,200
Speaker 1: and then secondly, I don't feel like I have to

874
00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:36,360
Speaker 1: necessarily choose a side, because why, there's certain things I

875
00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:38,400
Speaker 1: liked about you as an individual, and you as an

876
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:41,400
Speaker 1: individual you didn't do me wrong. In that situation, I

877
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:44,160
Speaker 1: might feel away because you did my friend wrong. But

878
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:47,239
Speaker 1: there comes a point where people kind of naturally, I think,

879
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:50,960
Speaker 1: will gravitate to one side. And what makes that a

880
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:53,759
Speaker 1: case is when usually they split and they're not on

881
00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:56,439
Speaker 1: good terms. For example, our friends that split and they're

882
00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:58,880
Speaker 1: on good terms, we can easily and freely still be

883
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:01,279
Speaker 1: friends with both of them because they both can co

884
00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:03,799
Speaker 1: exist in the space together. They both are okay being

885
00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:06,280
Speaker 1: around each other. They still go to each other's events.

886
00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:09,680
Speaker 1: So we go to both events. They have events, and

887
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:13,240
Speaker 1: it's like, well, they they're amicable, and they were mature

888
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 1: enough to understand that they still love each other and

889
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:17,960
Speaker 1: they're still friends. When I tell you, they have the

890
00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:23,200
Speaker 1: most beautiful divorce I've ever seen in my life. I've

891
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:26,200
Speaker 1: never seen anything like it. And I told them, I said,

892
00:44:26,239 --> 00:44:29,680
Speaker 1: y'all need to write a book on divorce. You know

893
00:44:29,719 --> 00:44:31,799
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, because when you speak to the two

894
00:44:31,840 --> 00:44:33,640
Speaker 1: of them, right, you know, sometimes you speak to people

895
00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:37,000
Speaker 1: who divorced and the first thing they said, huh this motherfucker. No, No,

896
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:39,080
Speaker 1: they're like, you know what your friends you know, I

897
00:44:39,160 --> 00:44:40,920
Speaker 1: love him or I love friend. It's like that, y'all

898
00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:43,200
Speaker 1: still say y'all love each other, you know, And and

899
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:46,200
Speaker 1: they still they like like this says they remember the

900
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:49,120
Speaker 1: good times and they don't push those aside because the

901
00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:51,320
Speaker 1: bad times of the reason why they're no longer together,

902
00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:55,440
Speaker 1: that's important. Those good times got them in a position

903
00:44:55,480 --> 00:44:59,319
Speaker 1: where they're good to be okay as individuals, you know. Um,

904
00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:01,279
Speaker 1: And then's tis you end up in a situation like

905
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:03,600
Speaker 1: we have another set of friends who divorced it, and

906
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:05,759
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I just always kind of liked you

907
00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:08,520
Speaker 1: more than I liked you, so I just naturally became

908
00:45:08,719 --> 00:45:10,560
Speaker 1: a little bit closer to you, Like it just happens

909
00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:13,200
Speaker 1: like that, And it's not because you're not together anymore,

910
00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:15,399
Speaker 1: but as a couple, sometimes you gotta take the deal.

911
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:17,719
Speaker 1: You gotta take the package, and you know, you tend

912
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:19,800
Speaker 1: to connect more with one person in the couple, So

913
00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:23,240
Speaker 1: you know, don't let your friends who have to coexist

914
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:25,880
Speaker 1: with y'all feeling uncomfortable and ship all right because that

915
00:45:25,920 --> 00:45:29,800
Speaker 1: ship is awkward. Allow yourself to grieve. It may be

916
00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:32,520
Speaker 1: hard at first, but the end of anything always requires

917
00:45:32,520 --> 00:45:35,360
Speaker 1: you to grieve, except that it is the end, and

918
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:42,279
Speaker 1: let yourself feel what comes up in this knowing pretty straightforward, straightforward.

919
00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:45,280
Speaker 1: I think everything that comes in the time to grieve.

920
00:45:46,120 --> 00:45:49,960
Speaker 1: You can't expect people to seeing ending something so finite

921
00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:52,400
Speaker 1: and then just be normal the next day. The grieving

922
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:55,600
Speaker 1: process is often the empathy the outside people should have

923
00:45:55,719 --> 00:45:59,360
Speaker 1: for those who are going through those emotions, because realistically,

924
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:02,480
Speaker 1: we never listed in that relationship, so we don't know

925
00:46:02,719 --> 00:46:06,359
Speaker 1: what emotions are happening. So telling people you know, move

926
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:09,319
Speaker 1: on already move on already. That to me, that's that's

927
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,960
Speaker 1: probably the worst thing you can tell someone because now

928
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:15,200
Speaker 1: you're you're not validating their feelings and you're making them

929
00:46:15,239 --> 00:46:17,040
Speaker 1: feel as if they don't have a reason to grieve,

930
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:20,000
Speaker 1: and a lot of times that creates confusion, and that

931
00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:23,239
Speaker 1: create that confusion can often create depression and anxiety. It's

932
00:46:23,320 --> 00:46:26,120
Speaker 1: like then they start second guessing, am I not supposed

933
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:28,520
Speaker 1: to feel the way? And if I do feel the way,

934
00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:31,320
Speaker 1: what's wrong with me? Then that that what's wrong with me?

935
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:34,360
Speaker 1: Begins the self loathing process and it's even harder to

936
00:46:34,480 --> 00:46:37,520
Speaker 1: move on when you're self loathing. Well, yeah, because like

937
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,840
Speaker 1: you said, usually we see, for example, divorce or anything

938
00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:43,759
Speaker 1: ending as a failure when ending something or or even

939
00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:47,160
Speaker 1: terminating a business or ending a job, like sometimes that's

940
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:51,799
Speaker 1: actually a reason. Have you seen people having divorce parties? Now? Yes,

941
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:54,160
Speaker 1: people are just like yo, I'm celebrating the fact that

942
00:46:54,239 --> 00:46:57,560
Speaker 1: I can now reactlimate myself in a single life and

943
00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:00,720
Speaker 1: this is going to serve me better. Absolutely so absolutely

944
00:47:00,719 --> 00:47:03,759
Speaker 1: that works. Release it, acknowledge to yourself that you're letting

945
00:47:03,800 --> 00:47:07,000
Speaker 1: go of what you're ending. Adopt and mindfulness or faith

946
00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:09,800
Speaker 1: practice so that you can learn how to let difficult

947
00:47:09,880 --> 00:47:12,440
Speaker 1: moments and thoughts move through you more easily instead of

948
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:16,520
Speaker 1: being stuck. Yeah. I have a lot of friends who

949
00:47:16,600 --> 00:47:21,080
Speaker 1: have made transitions or ended certain relationships and that in

950
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:23,600
Speaker 1: turn brought them closer to God, for example, because that

951
00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:26,040
Speaker 1: was their way of, you know, like it says faith practice,

952
00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:29,600
Speaker 1: that was their way of trying to have y'all lean on,

953
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:33,440
Speaker 1: lean on the Lord, lead on the Lord, or just

954
00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:35,719
Speaker 1: find a way to I guess cope. This is like

955
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:37,920
Speaker 1: a way to cope to me. I think it's very

956
00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:41,520
Speaker 1: simple to Releasing is understanding that you cannot control everything

957
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:45,279
Speaker 1: in life. Holding onto things that you can't control will

958
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:48,239
Speaker 1: will often leave you heartbroken, but set you up for

959
00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:51,800
Speaker 1: ultimate failure. You set those expectations where you think you

960
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:54,279
Speaker 1: control everything right, and then when you can't control it,

961
00:47:54,560 --> 00:47:58,160
Speaker 1: those are failures. You're trying to control stuff that you

962
00:47:58,239 --> 00:48:00,720
Speaker 1: can't control, and every time it comes out of control,

963
00:48:00,719 --> 00:48:02,759
Speaker 1: you feel like you failed. That's when you start to

964
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:06,120
Speaker 1: feel inadequate, when in reality, you couldn't control it anyway.

965
00:48:06,680 --> 00:48:09,000
Speaker 1: So how could you feel inadequate about something you could

966
00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:11,680
Speaker 1: never control but you kept trying to control and you

967
00:48:11,800 --> 00:48:13,759
Speaker 1: failed at it. You gotta learn how to release things.

968
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:18,160
Speaker 1: For example, you're in a relationship with someone, you cannot

969
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:24,520
Speaker 1: control how that person feels about you. This is a fact, right.

970
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:27,880
Speaker 1: You can love them in every love language that they require.

971
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:30,320
Speaker 1: You can buy them gifts, you can take them on trips,

972
00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:32,640
Speaker 1: you can do everything. But if that person is just

973
00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:35,840
Speaker 1: not feeling the same way about you as you felt

974
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:38,839
Speaker 1: about them, you never can control that, and you never

975
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:41,719
Speaker 1: could control that. The idea that you can buy a

976
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:45,759
Speaker 1: person's feelings, or love language of person's feelings, or sex

977
00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:48,719
Speaker 1: of person's feelings is just wrong, And that's how you

978
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:52,080
Speaker 1: set yourself up for failure. Release it. Wake up in

979
00:48:52,120 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 1: the morning every morning knowing that that person doesn't have

980
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:58,160
Speaker 1: an obligation to love me. That person has to make

981
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:00,960
Speaker 1: a choice. And if that person decided on this day

982
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:04,640
Speaker 1: that they no longer loved me, that's okay because I

983
00:49:04,719 --> 00:49:07,880
Speaker 1: was never in control of that in the beginning. Easier

984
00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:11,919
Speaker 1: said than then, though, because I'll last. So you in boy,

985
00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:13,960
Speaker 1: real quick, if you decide one day you don't love

986
00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:16,319
Speaker 1: me no more, you know it's funny. You know it's funny.

987
00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:18,520
Speaker 1: I don't know's it's funny. You say that we should

988
00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:21,560
Speaker 1: have U. I want to have a podcast with a

989
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:25,279
Speaker 1: group of guys and girls because we often talk about this.

990
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:29,400
Speaker 1: They say that guys can have sex with girls and

991
00:49:29,520 --> 00:49:32,280
Speaker 1: just walk away and night care not have a commotional connection.

992
00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 1: But they say women tend to have more of an

993
00:49:34,239 --> 00:49:37,719
Speaker 1: emotional connection right now when they talk about physiologically and

994
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:39,840
Speaker 1: emotionals and stuff like that. We're all built different, right.

995
00:49:39,880 --> 00:49:42,520
Speaker 1: You guys have estrogen, we have to stop them. Certain

996
00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:46,600
Speaker 1: hormones and certain physiological differences allow us to move on differently,

997
00:49:47,480 --> 00:49:48,960
Speaker 1: and it makes it that much harder sometimes to even

998
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:52,040
Speaker 1: understand each other, which is a scientific fact, right, Which

999
00:49:52,040 --> 00:49:54,520
Speaker 1: is a scientific fact. But I think that's also important

1000
00:49:54,600 --> 00:49:56,920
Speaker 1: for men to understand when you lay down with a

1001
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:59,440
Speaker 1: woman and you have a soul tie, for you to

1002
00:49:59,560 --> 00:50:01,320
Speaker 1: just say and the same for me, and walk away

1003
00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:04,879
Speaker 1: maybe easier for you than her. So it's important men

1004
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:07,560
Speaker 1: to have empathy for women who you're trying to have

1005
00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:10,440
Speaker 1: relationship with, even if it doesn't work out. I'm not

1006
00:50:10,480 --> 00:50:13,160
Speaker 1: saying be sympathetic and stay with her just because of

1007
00:50:13,239 --> 00:50:16,560
Speaker 1: her feelings, but be empathetic and choose your words wisely

1008
00:50:16,640 --> 00:50:18,480
Speaker 1: as to why you no longer being wanted be in

1009
00:50:18,560 --> 00:50:22,440
Speaker 1: that relationship. That can help a woman release. You know

1010
00:50:22,440 --> 00:50:23,759
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and I'm not sitting here trying to

1011
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:25,520
Speaker 1: make it seem like women are weaker so you have

1012
00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:27,960
Speaker 1: to do things this way. No, what I'm saying. Let's

1013
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,240
Speaker 1: own up to the fact that we are different, like physiologically,

1014
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:34,920
Speaker 1: we are different beings. So the approach to being a

1015
00:50:35,040 --> 00:50:37,560
Speaker 1: part has to be handled differently. You know, understand what

1016
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:39,360
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And then also to um, you know, I

1017
00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:40,560
Speaker 1: don't know if it's a thing or not or for

1018
00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:43,440
Speaker 1: something that we're just saying because it sounds right to

1019
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:46,120
Speaker 1: say it. But women, now I'm hearing, are having more

1020
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:48,120
Speaker 1: transactional sex and they can be the ones to go

1021
00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:50,880
Speaker 1: away from those situations. And does does that leave the man? Now?

1022
00:50:51,320 --> 00:50:52,840
Speaker 1: I kind of butt her like Dan, like she just

1023
00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:55,839
Speaker 1: kind of hit and run. I'm like, maybe I didn't

1024
00:50:55,880 --> 00:50:59,919
Speaker 1: hit it right. No, that that goes down. I'm glad

1025
00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:02,240
Speaker 1: she might have was in it for what she wanted

1026
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:04,399
Speaker 1: and she kept it pushing. Okay, I'm glad you brought

1027
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:08,319
Speaker 1: that up because it is exactly what you said. Right.

1028
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:11,840
Speaker 1: Men have been socially conditioned to believe that we can

1029
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:14,640
Speaker 1: have sex with women and walk away have no emotional

1030
00:51:14,719 --> 00:51:17,880
Speaker 1: ties and that women have more emotional ties. But oftentimes

1031
00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:20,000
Speaker 1: you run into that woman who was just like you,

1032
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:23,120
Speaker 1: will make her own money, who do her own thing,

1033
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:25,120
Speaker 1: who just be like, yeah, I wanted some dick, And

1034
00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:29,120
Speaker 1: now the dude is like what and and that dude, yeah,

1035
00:51:29,239 --> 00:51:32,040
Speaker 1: sometimes that dude is like, it's not even that I

1036
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,120
Speaker 1: wanted to be with her, it's the fact that she

1037
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:37,719
Speaker 1: she took the liberty to decide that she didn't want

1038
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:40,719
Speaker 1: to be with me. And that's what hurts you, know

1039
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:44,400
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And that that happens as society changes, right,

1040
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:46,840
Speaker 1: those soul ties back in the day. Think about it.

1041
00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:48,279
Speaker 1: If you you grew up in the forties and the

1042
00:51:48,400 --> 00:51:51,360
Speaker 1: fifties and your only way to advance socially was to

1043
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:54,200
Speaker 1: find a wealthy man, and now you're competing with other

1044
00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:57,120
Speaker 1: women for that same wealthy man. That wealthy man decides

1045
00:51:57,160 --> 00:51:59,640
Speaker 1: to sleep with you, right, but then wants to marry

1046
00:51:59,760 --> 00:52:02,279
Speaker 1: Mary E Joe Beth. So now you gave this man

1047
00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:04,160
Speaker 1: part of yourself, but you're still at home with your

1048
00:52:04,239 --> 00:52:06,879
Speaker 1: parents because it's the forties and women aren't allowed to work,

1049
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:10,520
Speaker 1: and they the gap for wages and during that time

1050
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:12,839
Speaker 1: for women that did work with so small that now

1051
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:14,759
Speaker 1: you're working, but you're living with your parents, and he

1052
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,920
Speaker 1: went on and married Mary Beth after sleeping with you.

1053
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 1: That's a different type of pain than in the ninth

1054
00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:23,440
Speaker 1: in when you sleep with that guy who you think

1055
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:26,040
Speaker 1: is wealthy, and then he goes and sleeps with with

1056
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:29,080
Speaker 1: Mary Beth. But your value that seven figures as a woman,

1057
00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:30,279
Speaker 1: so you can go on to do you know what

1058
00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:34,360
Speaker 1: I'm saying. It's different, you know what I'm saying. So

1059
00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:36,880
Speaker 1: so people need to understand that all of those different

1060
00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:41,319
Speaker 1: mentalities have changed a lot. It ain't the same ball game, y'all.

1061
00:52:41,800 --> 00:52:45,080
Speaker 1: And last, but not least, give yourself time acceptance is key.

1062
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:48,560
Speaker 1: Right to accept the ending, give yourself time away from it.

1063
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:52,000
Speaker 1: Try your best to keep your attention away from the

1064
00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:55,080
Speaker 1: past and in the present moment, because what out of sight,

1065
00:52:55,560 --> 00:53:00,000
Speaker 1: out of mind? Oh trip, Let me tell you something

1066
00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:03,680
Speaker 1: about doctor Trible. This this one right here, to accept

1067
00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:07,240
Speaker 1: the ending, give yourself time away from it. I agree

1068
00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:10,440
Speaker 1: with that. Yes, sometimes you just have the cold turkey

1069
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:14,719
Speaker 1: walk away, cut and cut the tie and go sometimes,

1070
00:53:15,320 --> 00:53:17,440
Speaker 1: but I think that this is important. People have to

1071
00:53:17,520 --> 00:53:20,800
Speaker 1: realize that your your love life, especially in divorce, is

1072
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:24,879
Speaker 1: only one aspect of your life. When that part ends,

1073
00:53:25,480 --> 00:53:29,640
Speaker 1: your life doesn't end. Think about it. If you're a parent,

1074
00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:34,040
Speaker 1: if you're a career person, you have extended family, you

1075
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:37,720
Speaker 1: have friends. Just because one aspect of your life is changing,

1076
00:53:38,440 --> 00:53:40,480
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that the rest of your life stops.

1077
00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:43,680
Speaker 1: And oftentimes we focus on the one thing that we

1078
00:53:43,800 --> 00:53:47,120
Speaker 1: can't control, and when we can't control that one aspect,

1079
00:53:47,160 --> 00:53:49,480
Speaker 1: it seems like our whole life is out of control

1080
00:53:49,880 --> 00:53:53,040
Speaker 1: because you're you're so blind, you're hyper focused on the

1081
00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:55,799
Speaker 1: one thing that's not going in your favor. At the moment,

1082
00:53:57,120 --> 00:54:00,600
Speaker 1: we depressed, we got anxiety. You're taking time off, you're

1083
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:03,080
Speaker 1: neglecting your kids, you're staying away from your friends, you're

1084
00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:07,080
Speaker 1: saying away from your family, You're isolating yourself because you're

1085
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:10,080
Speaker 1: not removing yourself from that one little piece and realizing, like,

1086
00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:12,359
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I have a ton of other things

1087
00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:15,040
Speaker 1: that should be grateful, happy and excited about, and your

1088
00:54:15,120 --> 00:54:17,560
Speaker 1: hyper focused on the one thing you can't control. That

1089
00:54:17,760 --> 00:54:22,560
Speaker 1: to me, this number six is key. Give yourself time away. Okay,

1090
00:54:22,680 --> 00:54:25,000
Speaker 1: this part of the relationship is ending, it's not working.

1091
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:26,880
Speaker 1: Let me not wake up every day and see if

1092
00:54:26,920 --> 00:54:29,400
Speaker 1: this person texts me let me not check their Facebook

1093
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:31,600
Speaker 1: or the Instagram or the Twitter every day to see

1094
00:54:31,640 --> 00:54:35,080
Speaker 1: what they're doing. We focus on other things. That's healthy.

1095
00:54:35,840 --> 00:54:39,759
Speaker 1: That's healthy absolutely. All right, sounds good. I think we're

1096
00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:42,560
Speaker 1: gonna take a quick break now and come back and

1097
00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:45,200
Speaker 1: see what you got today. Today we'll be talking about

1098
00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:58,839
Speaker 1: and listening letters. All right, stick around, all right, We're

1099
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:01,759
Speaker 1: back for talking about letting go, the and go of

1100
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:06,759
Speaker 1: relationships and go hairlines. I mean, all the letting go

1101
00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:14,040
Speaker 1: is happening today. I'm not letting it goack. Not only

1102
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:20,880
Speaker 1: it's giving stress free mother President, I'm a client. Anyway,

1103
00:55:20,960 --> 00:55:23,320
Speaker 1: let's see what you got to talk about today. I

1104
00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:26,080
Speaker 1: hand codeine. I want to say I love you guys podcast.

1105
00:55:26,200 --> 00:55:27,960
Speaker 1: I had a great time at the live event in

1106
00:55:28,040 --> 00:55:31,480
Speaker 1: New York. Gass the live shows was so popping, y'all

1107
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:34,399
Speaker 1: because he loved the long ponytails is thank you. Listen

1108
00:55:34,440 --> 00:55:36,440
Speaker 1: to the long ponytails are making I come back, baby.

1109
00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:40,840
Speaker 1: Janelle's out here, you know, starting trends and whatnot. To

1110
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,040
Speaker 1: the floor now, shout out to Janelle silly Smith after

1111
00:55:43,120 --> 00:55:45,480
Speaker 1: that long ponytail with the rings in between. We've seen

1112
00:55:45,560 --> 00:55:48,399
Speaker 1: it four separate times, and we saw it on Fashion Week,

1113
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:51,279
Speaker 1: Fashion Week, So give my girl Janelle Silly Smith a

1114
00:55:51,440 --> 00:55:54,720
Speaker 1: credit period. It's the first time I've seen it period

1115
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:56,960
Speaker 1: and then I used it that night. I had the rails.

1116
00:55:56,960 --> 00:55:59,239
Speaker 1: I was holding onto the rail talk about it last

1117
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:03,880
Speaker 1: So okay, it was given Stallion. It was giving Stallion

1118
00:56:05,200 --> 00:56:12,240
Speaker 1: was like, alright, girl, she says she needs some advice.

1119
00:56:12,320 --> 00:56:14,440
Speaker 1: Slash and honest opinion. My boyfriend and I have been

1120
00:56:14,480 --> 00:56:17,239
Speaker 1: together since senior year of high school, a prom date

1121
00:56:17,320 --> 00:56:20,560
Speaker 1: turned into a wonderful twelve year in counting love story.

1122
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:23,160
Speaker 1: After high school, I went to college, got a degree,

1123
00:56:23,239 --> 00:56:25,399
Speaker 1: and now work in corporate. My boyfriend, on the other hand,

1124
00:56:25,760 --> 00:56:28,120
Speaker 1: has had a different career path of not being able

1125
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:31,680
Speaker 1: to complete college, part time jobs, living paycheck to paycheck,

1126
00:56:31,760 --> 00:56:36,959
Speaker 1: and now finally a certified HVACT technician a trade. Okay,

1127
00:56:37,640 --> 00:56:39,560
Speaker 1: my boyfriend is thirty and I'm twenty nine years old.

1128
00:56:39,560 --> 00:56:41,160
Speaker 1: I'm at the point where I want to get married

1129
00:56:41,239 --> 00:56:44,000
Speaker 1: and have kids. We've been together way too long to

1130
00:56:44,160 --> 00:56:46,719
Speaker 1: not be moving towards marriage. So I gave him an

1131
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:48,920
Speaker 1: ultimatum that he needs to propose to me by the

1132
00:56:49,040 --> 00:56:52,080
Speaker 1: end of this year two or I'm out. He agreed,

1133
00:56:52,320 --> 00:56:54,960
Speaker 1: but his mind is so focused on the money aspect.

1134
00:56:55,680 --> 00:56:58,719
Speaker 1: He is not financially stable, he says, I don't understand

1135
00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:01,279
Speaker 1: since my path was easy he compared to his. We

1136
00:57:01,440 --> 00:57:03,720
Speaker 1: both know that I make more money and he won't

1137
00:57:03,760 --> 00:57:06,799
Speaker 1: be near my level anytime soon. I do tell him

1138
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:08,880
Speaker 1: that we are a partnership, a team, but he's not

1139
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:11,680
Speaker 1: buying it. The question I have is and my waiting

1140
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:14,880
Speaker 1: on a proposal is more? Is waiting on a proposal

1141
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:21,600
Speaker 1: more important? Love or money stability? Our love bond is strong,

1142
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:24,320
Speaker 1: but at the same time, is it okay knowing I

1143
00:57:24,440 --> 00:57:27,320
Speaker 1: may have to pay for everything in the future, expenses,

1144
00:57:27,480 --> 00:57:30,640
Speaker 1: nights out or vacations, or that I might need to

1145
00:57:30,680 --> 00:57:33,320
Speaker 1: do things alone. He's a great man and will be

1146
00:57:33,400 --> 00:57:36,040
Speaker 1: a great father. He just settled into a career path

1147
00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:38,200
Speaker 1: much later in life, and the advice you can give

1148
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:43,800
Speaker 1: me is much appreciated. Um, hold on, let me just recap,

1149
00:57:43,840 --> 00:57:45,120
Speaker 1: and you know when you read sometimes you just let

1150
00:57:45,280 --> 00:57:49,000
Speaker 1: me make sure I get Yeah. So, um it already

1151
00:57:49,240 --> 00:57:51,680
Speaker 1: is giving resentment because I can see how this is

1152
00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:55,880
Speaker 1: going to build into resentment in a relationship, especially if

1153
00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:58,840
Speaker 1: they're trying to get married. I already know that Devout

1154
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:01,320
Speaker 1: has said in the past and have a plan, and

1155
00:58:01,440 --> 00:58:04,040
Speaker 1: their plan is typically to make sure that they feel

1156
00:58:04,120 --> 00:58:07,320
Speaker 1: like they're financially stable enough to be able to care

1157
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:11,200
Speaker 1: for a spouse and then care for future children. Because

1158
00:58:11,200 --> 00:58:13,040
Speaker 1: that goes on us to where we talked about social

1159
00:58:13,080 --> 00:58:19,360
Speaker 1: conditioning and how women are conditioned to look for acceptance

1160
00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:21,720
Speaker 1: in the man for their value. A man's value is

1161
00:58:21,800 --> 00:58:24,320
Speaker 1: determined by how much money he makes right and how

1162
00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:27,040
Speaker 1: much he can provide for a future family and spouse.

1163
00:58:27,760 --> 00:58:30,240
Speaker 1: So I think putting the pressure and the ultimatum on

1164
00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:34,400
Speaker 1: him is not going to take things anywhere, especially if

1165
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:36,680
Speaker 1: he is already just financially not going to babe the

1166
00:58:36,720 --> 00:58:40,240
Speaker 1: kid period Um. It's just literally comes down to the

1167
00:58:40,320 --> 00:58:42,960
Speaker 1: math of everything. And I can already foresee that if

1168
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:44,760
Speaker 1: she's the one that's going to be the breadwinner and

1169
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:48,240
Speaker 1: taking on all the responsibility in the household, the resentment

1170
00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:50,920
Speaker 1: is already start insists, Like we had a very similar

1171
00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:53,360
Speaker 1: letter about this before, and I know people in this

1172
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:56,720
Speaker 1: this exact situation, and as a woman, you begin to

1173
00:58:56,800 --> 00:58:59,040
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, damn, like I'm the one that

1174
00:58:59,120 --> 00:59:02,000
Speaker 1: has to play the quote unquote man role in this relationship.

1175
00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:05,800
Speaker 1: I think like this, they're thirty now, right, She's five

1176
00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:10,720
Speaker 1: years away from becoming considered geriatric for having children. So

1177
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:14,000
Speaker 1: I understand her sense of urgency. It's like, Yo, we've

1178
00:59:14,040 --> 00:59:16,520
Speaker 1: been together since we were eighteen is twelve years now,

1179
00:59:16,600 --> 00:59:18,640
Speaker 1: I'm thirty. I want to have kids. You're finally getting

1180
00:59:18,640 --> 00:59:21,040
Speaker 1: settled in a career, which means I'm gonna probably have

1181
00:59:21,120 --> 00:59:22,840
Speaker 1: to wait another couple of years for you to be

1182
00:59:22,920 --> 00:59:28,480
Speaker 1: able to say I'm excuse me, I'm comfortable getting engaged.

1183
00:59:28,920 --> 00:59:30,520
Speaker 1: Then we have to wait another couple of years to

1184
00:59:30,520 --> 00:59:33,080
Speaker 1: say I'm comfortable getting married. Then it's another couple of

1185
00:59:33,160 --> 00:59:36,080
Speaker 1: years say I'm comfortable having children. That puts her into

1186
00:59:36,160 --> 00:59:39,800
Speaker 1: what late thirties. It's way more difficult for a woman

1187
00:59:39,880 --> 00:59:41,560
Speaker 1: to have a baby in her late thirties. So I

1188
00:59:41,720 --> 00:59:45,520
Speaker 1: get her sense of urgency, but I also understand where

1189
00:59:45,560 --> 00:59:47,800
Speaker 1: he's coming from. At no point did she say that

1190
00:59:47,880 --> 00:59:49,640
Speaker 1: he was a deadbeat. She said that he was trying

1191
00:59:49,680 --> 00:59:52,240
Speaker 1: to figure out his place in life. He finally became

1192
00:59:52,280 --> 00:59:55,040
Speaker 1: an h VAC technician, so he's found his place, or

1193
00:59:55,080 --> 00:59:57,680
Speaker 1: what he wants to do is gonna take time to build.

1194
00:59:58,120 --> 00:59:59,880
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean that he doesn't want to build with her.

1195
01:00:00,160 --> 01:00:02,840
Speaker 1: It just didn't happen on her timeline, And this is

1196
01:00:02,880 --> 01:00:05,640
Speaker 1: what happens with so many men and women. Her timeline

1197
01:00:05,680 --> 01:00:07,920
Speaker 1: isn't matching his timeline. So do you leave a man

1198
01:00:08,040 --> 01:00:09,840
Speaker 1: that you love, who you think is gonna be a

1199
01:00:09,920 --> 01:00:12,040
Speaker 1: great father and husband to find someone who's more in

1200
01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:14,720
Speaker 1: your timeline? That man maybe on your timeline, But what

1201
01:00:14,800 --> 01:00:17,480
Speaker 1: if he's an asshole? What if he's a narcissistic, money

1202
01:00:17,520 --> 01:00:19,440
Speaker 1: hungry type of dude who's just gonna use you as

1203
01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,760
Speaker 1: a trophy wife and you'll not be happy you have

1204
01:00:21,920 --> 01:00:23,560
Speaker 1: some kids, will tell you to sit your ass at

1205
01:00:23,600 --> 01:00:25,560
Speaker 1: home while he goes out and do whatever he want

1206
01:00:25,600 --> 01:00:27,800
Speaker 1: to do. He was on your timeline to get married,

1207
01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:29,520
Speaker 1: because you got married what you want, but he's not

1208
01:00:29,640 --> 01:00:31,560
Speaker 1: loving you the way this man has been loving you

1209
01:00:31,640 --> 01:00:34,920
Speaker 1: since eighteen. Like you can't you can't just decide that

1210
01:00:35,040 --> 01:00:37,360
Speaker 1: my timeline is more important than love and what I

1211
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:40,320
Speaker 1: see for myself. That's my biggest thing. That's my biggest

1212
01:00:40,360 --> 01:00:43,080
Speaker 1: issue with with women is like everything has to be

1213
01:00:43,200 --> 01:00:45,800
Speaker 1: on your timeline. And my biggest issue with men is

1214
01:00:45,880 --> 01:00:49,880
Speaker 1: not understanding that their timeline exists for a reason. Biologically.

1215
01:00:50,280 --> 01:00:52,600
Speaker 1: They can't sit back and fucking wait for you to

1216
01:00:52,760 --> 01:00:55,360
Speaker 1: figure it out in your late thirties, like they can't

1217
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:58,120
Speaker 1: bro like, like we as a community of people have

1218
01:00:58,280 --> 01:01:03,000
Speaker 1: to start realizing that these are realities. Right. A woman's

1219
01:01:03,080 --> 01:01:06,960
Speaker 1: biological clock is real. The reason why I get passionate

1220
01:01:07,040 --> 01:01:10,520
Speaker 1: about this is because we had our fourth child, Kay

1221
01:01:10,600 --> 01:01:14,600
Speaker 1: had postpartum pre clamshure and could have died. That's the

1222
01:01:14,680 --> 01:01:17,520
Speaker 1: reality that she could have died having a baby that

1223
01:01:17,720 --> 01:01:19,840
Speaker 1: much later in life because her body has already gone

1224
01:01:19,880 --> 01:01:22,800
Speaker 1: through its prime of having children. Women don't want to

1225
01:01:22,840 --> 01:01:24,880
Speaker 1: think about that. As a husband, I don't want to

1226
01:01:24,920 --> 01:01:28,800
Speaker 1: think about that. What if I wasn't where I wanted

1227
01:01:28,840 --> 01:01:30,280
Speaker 1: to be in my life, and I kept pushing back

1228
01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:32,000
Speaker 1: and pushing back, and we went to have our first

1229
01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:36,200
Speaker 1: child at thirty eight and something happened and we lost

1230
01:01:36,240 --> 01:01:38,120
Speaker 1: the child. Now we try to go again at thirty

1231
01:01:38,240 --> 01:01:40,120
Speaker 1: nine and forty and and your body can't do it.

1232
01:01:41,320 --> 01:01:43,520
Speaker 1: I can understand how resentment can come from a woman

1233
01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:45,960
Speaker 1: at that point, if she waited that long and now

1234
01:01:46,080 --> 01:01:49,120
Speaker 1: her body is saying they can't. I wholeheardly understand that.

1235
01:01:50,080 --> 01:01:52,760
Speaker 1: And then as a man I could I could see

1236
01:01:52,800 --> 01:01:55,320
Speaker 1: how say I wanted to have a child, and I

1237
01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,520
Speaker 1: want to have multiple kids, and I only had one child.

1238
01:01:58,440 --> 01:02:00,160
Speaker 1: You have to make a decision as a man what

1239
01:02:00,280 --> 01:02:03,200
Speaker 1: your timeline is gonna be as well. And ladies y'all

1240
01:02:03,240 --> 01:02:05,920
Speaker 1: have to understand if your timeline is that important, be

1241
01:02:06,160 --> 01:02:09,520
Speaker 1: upfront about it from the very beginning and let them

1242
01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:12,320
Speaker 1: know exactly what you're looking for and why, right Because

1243
01:02:12,320 --> 01:02:14,000
Speaker 1: I mean, she said twelve years they've been together, So

1244
01:02:14,120 --> 01:02:17,520
Speaker 1: twelve years they've been working at this relationship. And the

1245
01:02:17,560 --> 01:02:19,560
Speaker 1: fact that they've been able to grow together through these

1246
01:02:19,560 --> 01:02:22,080
Speaker 1: twel years, I think is already admirable. And her trying

1247
01:02:22,120 --> 01:02:23,720
Speaker 1: to sell to him the point that they were a

1248
01:02:23,760 --> 01:02:26,120
Speaker 1: team or a partnership. I think it's nice and I

1249
01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:28,080
Speaker 1: think her heart's in the right place. The same way

1250
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,520
Speaker 1: with you, and I was like some moments I had

1251
01:02:30,600 --> 01:02:32,760
Speaker 1: it and you didn't, and vice versa. You had and

1252
01:02:32,840 --> 01:02:36,040
Speaker 1: then I didn't. But we knew wholeheartedly together that we

1253
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:38,640
Speaker 1: were a team, and you felt okay leaning on me

1254
01:02:38,720 --> 01:02:41,440
Speaker 1: in those moments because why you were pounding the pavement

1255
01:02:41,480 --> 01:02:42,880
Speaker 1: to be able to then take us out of the

1256
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:45,920
Speaker 1: situation that we were in, and then the roles switched

1257
01:02:45,960 --> 01:02:48,160
Speaker 1: to where you were the breadwinner. It went back and

1258
01:02:48,200 --> 01:02:49,880
Speaker 1: forth a lot for us and didn't go back and

1259
01:02:49,960 --> 01:02:51,720
Speaker 1: forth and back and forth a lot. I was the

1260
01:02:51,760 --> 01:02:54,480
Speaker 1: bread winner for the first three years. Even though you

1261
01:02:54,600 --> 01:02:57,160
Speaker 1: were making more consistent money, I still made my own money,

1262
01:02:57,240 --> 01:02:59,640
Speaker 1: but there was not talking about more when you were

1263
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:01,800
Speaker 1: like build your business and happen to kind of start

1264
01:03:01,800 --> 01:03:03,600
Speaker 1: from scraps. Oh no, no, I understand what you're saying,

1265
01:03:03,760 --> 01:03:06,520
Speaker 1: But even in that moment, you weren't the breadwinner at

1266
01:03:06,560 --> 01:03:08,480
Speaker 1: that time. I still made more money, but I relied

1267
01:03:08,560 --> 01:03:10,480
Speaker 1: on your money to make sure all the bills are paid,

1268
01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:14,400
Speaker 1: was reinvesting. That was a partnership. But I think it's

1269
01:03:14,440 --> 01:03:19,280
Speaker 1: different when she makes more money than him, so he

1270
01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:23,600
Speaker 1: can't even contribute as much as she can. Write that

1271
01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:26,400
Speaker 1: right there, for dynamic purposes is going to be an

1272
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:28,480
Speaker 1: issue between the two of them, especially if they want

1273
01:03:28,520 --> 01:03:30,040
Speaker 1: she wants to have kids, because if she has to

1274
01:03:30,080 --> 01:03:32,240
Speaker 1: step back for a year or two to focus on

1275
01:03:32,280 --> 01:03:36,640
Speaker 1: the kids, he can't support that. Right So my issue

1276
01:03:36,680 --> 01:03:40,200
Speaker 1: with that is when you give someone an ultimatum, an

1277
01:03:40,320 --> 01:03:43,560
Speaker 1: ultimatum only gets what you want at that time, but

1278
01:03:43,680 --> 01:03:46,000
Speaker 1: that doesn't put the person you gave the ultimatum too

1279
01:03:46,080 --> 01:03:48,880
Speaker 1: in a positive space to continue to provide that for

1280
01:03:49,160 --> 01:03:52,360
Speaker 1: you for the longevity of the relationship. So when you

1281
01:03:52,440 --> 01:03:55,000
Speaker 1: say to somebody we need to get married now, I'm out.

1282
01:03:55,440 --> 01:03:58,320
Speaker 1: He could bend to that right and say, fine, fine,

1283
01:03:58,760 --> 01:04:01,160
Speaker 1: I'm going to propose right like I did. Remember you

1284
01:04:01,240 --> 01:04:04,440
Speaker 1: said you didn't want to be living our girlfriend anymore,

1285
01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:07,120
Speaker 1: So I propose knowing that I wasn't ready to be married.

1286
01:04:07,240 --> 01:04:09,720
Speaker 1: Right then you said let's get married because you don't

1287
01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:11,720
Speaker 1: want to be engaged too long. You didn't give me

1288
01:04:11,720 --> 01:04:13,480
Speaker 1: an ultimatum, but you pretty much was telling me like,

1289
01:04:13,520 --> 01:04:15,440
Speaker 1: you gotta ship to get off the pot. Right. So

1290
01:04:15,600 --> 01:04:18,320
Speaker 1: we got married and we weren't in a good financial

1291
01:04:18,440 --> 01:04:20,400
Speaker 1: space for me to be the type of husband I

1292
01:04:20,520 --> 01:04:23,480
Speaker 1: could be, and we struggled the first five years. So

1293
01:04:23,600 --> 01:04:26,960
Speaker 1: you ultimately got what you wanted, but it wasn't perfect.

1294
01:04:27,440 --> 01:04:29,840
Speaker 1: And that's what I'm saying. Giving people an ultimatum to

1295
01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:33,000
Speaker 1: get what you want in that time doesn't work, especially

1296
01:04:33,080 --> 01:04:35,600
Speaker 1: if you're only focused on the title and the wedding

1297
01:04:36,040 --> 01:04:38,400
Speaker 1: and not focused on the marriage. If you're really focused

1298
01:04:38,440 --> 01:04:40,600
Speaker 1: on the marriage and its totality, and the marriage, if

1299
01:04:40,640 --> 01:04:42,600
Speaker 1: you really want to be married to someone, is infinite,

1300
01:04:43,080 --> 01:04:44,760
Speaker 1: So there's no amount of time that's going to go

1301
01:04:44,840 --> 01:04:48,240
Speaker 1: out with the marriage. Expires until somebody dies, So you're

1302
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:51,040
Speaker 1: forcing somebody. You're forcing somebody to get married to you

1303
01:04:51,160 --> 01:04:53,520
Speaker 1: so you can have a wedding on your time without

1304
01:04:53,600 --> 01:04:57,280
Speaker 1: thinking about the marriage. To me, it's just shortsighted, you

1305
01:04:57,320 --> 01:05:00,200
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I don't believe in ultimately. I

1306
01:05:00,240 --> 01:05:05,080
Speaker 1: just don't. Hey, I understand the biological clock, but ultimatums

1307
01:05:05,120 --> 01:05:08,840
Speaker 1: never worked. Alright, girl, Hopefully that helps specs a little

1308
01:05:09,080 --> 01:05:12,040
Speaker 1: things into perspective for you. Um, all right, we got

1309
01:05:12,120 --> 01:05:14,440
Speaker 1: one more listening letter. Let's see what we got here.

1310
01:05:14,560 --> 01:05:17,360
Speaker 1: What's up, Codeine and Devout? I'm K from Houston. What's up, K,

1311
01:05:17,520 --> 01:05:19,160
Speaker 1: and I've been a long time listening since the i

1312
01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:21,200
Speaker 1: G videos and the start of the podcast. Thank you

1313
01:05:21,280 --> 01:05:23,840
Speaker 1: so much. I have a situation with a young woman

1314
01:05:23,960 --> 01:05:26,840
Speaker 1: I've been involved with for about four years. We've had

1315
01:05:26,880 --> 01:05:29,880
Speaker 1: a very rough relationship. Within that time, I found out

1316
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:33,120
Speaker 1: that the child she had in two thousand nineteen wasn't mine.

1317
01:05:33,520 --> 01:05:35,400
Speaker 1: I stuck around and told her that we can work

1318
01:05:35,480 --> 01:05:37,760
Speaker 1: through it, and everything was good until she started acting

1319
01:05:37,920 --> 01:05:41,600
Speaker 1: very masculine once she moved out on her own. Within

1320
01:05:41,680 --> 01:05:44,240
Speaker 1: the four years, I hoped her get two cars, with

1321
01:05:44,400 --> 01:05:46,240
Speaker 1: one being in my name that I ended up getting

1322
01:05:46,320 --> 01:05:49,480
Speaker 1: from her. Upon getting her newer and much better car,

1323
01:05:50,240 --> 01:05:52,280
Speaker 1: she started to act like she didn't want to spend

1324
01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:54,720
Speaker 1: time with me. The sex stopped, and every time I

1325
01:05:54,760 --> 01:05:57,440
Speaker 1: wanted to talk, she would always tell me not right now.

1326
01:05:57,560 --> 01:06:00,040
Speaker 1: And it's been like that for four years. Do what

1327
01:06:00,120 --> 01:06:03,240
Speaker 1: are we talking about at this point? Honestly speaking, I've

1328
01:06:03,280 --> 01:06:06,120
Speaker 1: been verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused by this woman. By

1329
01:06:06,160 --> 01:06:08,160
Speaker 1: the by the way, she's twenty three and I'm twenty

1330
01:06:08,240 --> 01:06:10,800
Speaker 1: nine as of right now. She ended up having another

1331
01:06:10,840 --> 01:06:14,360
Speaker 1: baby by the same type of guy who denied it was.

1332
01:06:15,160 --> 01:06:18,880
Speaker 1: We decided to call the quits. I don't air quotes

1333
01:06:18,960 --> 01:06:21,919
Speaker 1: because she couldn't stay away from she, We couldn't stay

1334
01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:24,240
Speaker 1: away from each other, Okay. I stuck by her side

1335
01:06:24,280 --> 01:06:27,000
Speaker 1: through that as well. Do she using you? Recently? I

1336
01:06:27,080 --> 01:06:28,800
Speaker 1: got fed up with the way I've been treated, so

1337
01:06:28,840 --> 01:06:31,000
Speaker 1: I let her know how I've been feeling for the

1338
01:06:31,080 --> 01:06:33,040
Speaker 1: last few years. Long story short, this woman had the

1339
01:06:33,080 --> 01:06:35,280
Speaker 1: nerve to tell me that I wasn't always there for

1340
01:06:35,400 --> 01:06:37,760
Speaker 1: her when every time I was trying to be there

1341
01:06:37,840 --> 01:06:41,680
Speaker 1: for her, she ghosted or since or sent me the voicemail. Dude,

1342
01:06:41,760 --> 01:06:44,320
Speaker 1: she's clearly using you. And she told me everything I

1343
01:06:44,440 --> 01:06:48,360
Speaker 1: told her to use it against me. She's a narcissist.

1344
01:06:48,720 --> 01:06:51,400
Speaker 1: She's recently she's recently behind on a lot of her

1345
01:06:51,440 --> 01:06:55,200
Speaker 1: bills because she has grown people saying to her that

1346
01:06:55,320 --> 01:06:58,040
Speaker 1: she can't I'm staying with her. What does happ do

1347
01:06:59,400 --> 01:07:01,080
Speaker 1: that she that I can't even help her? And I

1348
01:07:01,160 --> 01:07:03,440
Speaker 1: managed to get from money to catch up? Why my

1349
01:07:03,600 --> 01:07:07,200
Speaker 1: rent and her cardinal? Should I leave this bitch? Bro?

1350
01:07:07,440 --> 01:07:10,360
Speaker 1: She's been going, you don't have her? Why are you here?

1351
01:07:10,520 --> 01:07:13,160
Speaker 1: You don't have her? Dude? This is this you can

1352
01:07:14,040 --> 01:07:16,640
Speaker 1: you ain't at bro? This is clear. This is clear,

1353
01:07:16,680 --> 01:07:21,520
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna say this on on on the podcast.

1354
01:07:22,360 --> 01:07:26,960
Speaker 1: Narcissism is not a male trade, Okay, anybody can be

1355
01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:29,640
Speaker 1: a narcissist. I see on social media all the time.

1356
01:07:29,760 --> 01:07:32,840
Speaker 1: The minute a man uses manipulation to get a woman

1357
01:07:32,880 --> 01:07:35,680
Speaker 1: to do something, Oh, he's a narcissist. He's a narcissist.

1358
01:07:36,000 --> 01:07:39,600
Speaker 1: What about the women who use children to manipulate their

1359
01:07:39,720 --> 01:07:42,560
Speaker 1: their baby fathers. What about the women who use sex

1360
01:07:42,640 --> 01:07:45,640
Speaker 1: to manipulate in relationships? What about the women who use

1361
01:07:46,200 --> 01:07:48,520
Speaker 1: the fact that they need help the danceel in distress

1362
01:07:49,080 --> 01:07:51,160
Speaker 1: their narcissists as well, and they know who they can

1363
01:07:51,200 --> 01:07:52,800
Speaker 1: pull that ship with. And you were one of them, bro.

1364
01:07:52,960 --> 01:07:58,360
Speaker 1: Absolutely definition of a burger. It's giving burgers all. He's

1365
01:07:58,400 --> 01:08:01,520
Speaker 1: twenty three, which means he's extreme. Know, he's twenty nine

1366
01:08:01,560 --> 01:08:05,320
Speaker 1: and he's twenty nine. She's twenty three, which means she's young. Right,

1367
01:08:05,760 --> 01:08:09,640
Speaker 1: She's young, so she's Instagram life too. She's probably just like, oh,

1368
01:08:09,760 --> 01:08:12,000
Speaker 1: I got this older dude, because you're the older dude

1369
01:08:12,040 --> 01:08:14,440
Speaker 1: to her who's going to take care of her, take

1370
01:08:14,480 --> 01:08:18,080
Speaker 1: care of her while she's out there and two kids

1371
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:21,320
Speaker 1: with other people people. She was never yours, Bro, She's

1372
01:08:21,360 --> 01:08:24,720
Speaker 1: not in now Here's the reality, right. He's delusional in

1373
01:08:24,840 --> 01:08:27,200
Speaker 1: his mind and he thinks that that's his woman, right,

1374
01:08:27,240 --> 01:08:29,479
Speaker 1: And the reason why he thinks that's his woman is

1375
01:08:29,520 --> 01:08:32,200
Speaker 1: because he continues to provide stuff for her. Remember when

1376
01:08:32,240 --> 01:08:34,760
Speaker 1: I said man to find their value, they find their

1377
01:08:34,880 --> 01:08:37,519
Speaker 1: value and saying I can take care, I can provide,

1378
01:08:37,640 --> 01:08:40,400
Speaker 1: I can That's this right. Here is the version of

1379
01:08:40,520 --> 01:08:43,439
Speaker 1: toxic masculinity that we don't ever see, the version that

1380
01:08:43,520 --> 01:08:47,120
Speaker 1: a man is so toxic, toxically masculine that he allows

1381
01:08:47,160 --> 01:08:49,439
Speaker 1: a woman to treat him like ship because he feels

1382
01:08:49,479 --> 01:08:51,120
Speaker 1: like a man because he can take care of her.

1383
01:08:51,320 --> 01:08:53,040
Speaker 1: Oh my good, that was the word. He has to

1384
01:08:53,080 --> 01:08:55,600
Speaker 1: get that, he has to get that. Come on, I

1385
01:08:55,640 --> 01:08:57,400
Speaker 1: think you're a great dude, but does She's just not

1386
01:08:57,520 --> 01:08:59,439
Speaker 1: the one for you, man, And that ain't your kid

1387
01:09:00,160 --> 01:09:02,840
Speaker 1: giving her money? Leave her alone? And he says, she's

1388
01:09:02,840 --> 01:09:05,400
Speaker 1: living with adults who clearly know that you're the guy

1389
01:09:05,560 --> 01:09:09,559
Speaker 1: that's taking taking care of them, the collective them. Bro,

1390
01:09:10,439 --> 01:09:13,560
Speaker 1: I'm sorry used that last sense? And should I leave this?

1391
01:09:14,040 --> 01:09:17,040
Speaker 1: Help me? Please? Okay? This to me? Kay? Okay, where's

1392
01:09:17,040 --> 01:09:22,840
Speaker 1: the camera? Okay? Okay, bye, don't listen. She's communicated to

1393
01:09:22,960 --> 01:09:26,560
Speaker 1: you how she feels. You gotta believe it when she

1394
01:09:26,640 --> 01:09:29,280
Speaker 1: says it. She says you want there for her. She

1395
01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:32,000
Speaker 1: says she don't want to be with you. Believe her.

1396
01:09:32,600 --> 01:09:37,960
Speaker 1: Move on, let it go, let do let it go,

1397
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:46,040
Speaker 1: let it go, let it go. Everything's gonna work out. Okay,

1398
01:09:46,120 --> 01:09:49,320
Speaker 1: country music, But yeah, she goes to be she'd be

1399
01:09:49,360 --> 01:09:51,200
Speaker 1: goste you and send need to voicemil that she wants

1400
01:09:51,240 --> 01:09:54,439
Speaker 1: to answer when she needs money. Period. All right, y'all,

1401
01:09:54,439 --> 01:09:55,840
Speaker 1: If you want to be featured as a listener letter,

1402
01:09:55,960 --> 01:09:58,559
Speaker 1: email us at dead as sid advice at gmail dot com.

1403
01:09:58,720 --> 01:10:01,280
Speaker 1: That's D E A D S S A d V

1404
01:10:01,520 --> 01:10:05,000
Speaker 1: I C E at gmail dot com. All right now,

1405
01:10:05,160 --> 01:10:07,400
Speaker 1: moment of truth time. We're talking about letting it go.

1406
01:10:07,880 --> 01:10:10,600
Speaker 1: Letting it go, whether it's divorce, when things are no

1407
01:10:10,760 --> 01:10:14,160
Speaker 1: longer serving you, whatever the relationship may be. It maybe

1408
01:10:14,200 --> 01:10:16,400
Speaker 1: a job, like I said it maybe in her line.

1409
01:10:16,800 --> 01:10:19,360
Speaker 1: But when you decide, how do you decide to let

1410
01:10:19,439 --> 01:10:21,479
Speaker 1: it go? What is your moment of truth? Baby, moment

1411
01:10:21,560 --> 01:10:24,880
Speaker 1: of truth when things are no longer serving you and

1412
01:10:25,040 --> 01:10:27,600
Speaker 1: you can't be of service to the person that you

1413
01:10:27,760 --> 01:10:31,120
Speaker 1: feel you want to be of service to, it's okay

1414
01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:33,960
Speaker 1: to let it go. Divorce, I'm gonna get to take

1415
01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:39,479
Speaker 1: a line from my son, divorce is a mark, not

1416
01:10:39,640 --> 01:10:44,400
Speaker 1: a tattoo. It won't last forever. The minute you find

1417
01:10:44,479 --> 01:10:46,240
Speaker 1: something on and you move on and you let it go,

1418
01:10:46,800 --> 01:10:50,400
Speaker 1: find something better, baby, It's a mark, not a tattoo.

1419
01:10:50,680 --> 01:10:53,280
Speaker 1: That is a fact. I like that one there. Um.

1420
01:10:53,840 --> 01:10:56,800
Speaker 1: I think my moment of truth is letting go or

1421
01:10:57,000 --> 01:11:00,760
Speaker 1: putting an end to whatever the relationship may be. It

1422
01:11:00,840 --> 01:11:03,960
Speaker 1: can be a toxic marriage, it can be a toxic relationship.

1423
01:11:04,040 --> 01:11:07,439
Speaker 1: It can be a job that's not fulfilling. Those things

1424
01:11:07,479 --> 01:11:10,960
Speaker 1: are not necessarily failures, and we have to stop the

1425
01:11:11,160 --> 01:11:14,439
Speaker 1: narrative and stop the dialogue around that being a failure.

1426
01:11:15,400 --> 01:11:19,000
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's just a lesson. Sometimes it's a moment for

1427
01:11:19,040 --> 01:11:20,599
Speaker 1: you to say, you know what, this did not work

1428
01:11:20,680 --> 01:11:24,120
Speaker 1: for me in this season. This relationship is no longer

1429
01:11:24,240 --> 01:11:27,080
Speaker 1: serving me in this season. It's taking its course, and

1430
01:11:27,160 --> 01:11:29,400
Speaker 1: it's time for me to grow and move on. And

1431
01:11:29,520 --> 01:11:31,519
Speaker 1: you'd be surprised how when we don't look at some

1432
01:11:31,600 --> 01:11:36,240
Speaker 1: of these endings as failures, they become new beginnings, opportunities

1433
01:11:36,280 --> 01:11:39,800
Speaker 1: for you to flourishes. To be a failure, it can

1434
01:11:39,840 --> 01:11:42,680
Speaker 1: also be a victory. Yeah, think about how much you

1435
01:11:42,720 --> 01:11:47,559
Speaker 1: can flourish when you're not carrying that baggage anymore. Sometimes

1436
01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:51,040
Speaker 1: letting it go can be a victory. All right, y'all

1437
01:11:51,280 --> 01:11:53,959
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us on social media. The podcast

1438
01:11:54,040 --> 01:11:56,880
Speaker 1: page is dead As the podcast and you can find

1439
01:11:56,960 --> 01:11:59,560
Speaker 1: me at Cadine I Am and I Am Devoted and

1440
01:11:59,600 --> 01:12:01,960
Speaker 1: if you live sening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,

1441
01:12:02,360 --> 01:12:07,400
Speaker 1: review and subscribe as dead Ass is a production of

1442
01:12:07,479 --> 01:12:10,760
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia

1443
01:12:11,080 --> 01:12:14,160
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead

1444
01:12:14,200 --> 01:12:16,080
Speaker 1: As to podcasts and never miss a thing