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Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Professional. Hey,

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from

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Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear

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Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will

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Speaker 1: enlightened and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear

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Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.

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Speaker 1: If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and

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Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only. Hold

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Speaker 1: me Down, Don't hold me Up. Merch is now available

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Speaker 1: on the site as well as my book list, so

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Speaker 1: please make sure you visit the link in the show

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Speaker 1: notes below. You can connect with the kid on Instagram

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Speaker 1: at the Professional home Girl and at the PSD podcast.

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Speaker 1: If you are on Twitter, please follow me at the

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Speaker 1: PhD podcast now. If you are all caught up with episode,

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Speaker 1: listen to the bonus episodes by supporting the PSD podcast

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Speaker 1: Patreon account. To support, please visit www dot Patreon dot com.

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Speaker 1: Forward slash the PSD podcast now. Please keep in mind

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Speaker 1: that all of my guests are nonnes so let's again

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Speaker 1: this week's episode. We're excited about this week's episode because

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Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of people can relate to

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Speaker 1: your story, but not a lot of people are talking

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Speaker 1: about it. Do you agree? Um, I can agree with that.

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Speaker 1: I can agree with that because it's really like it

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Speaker 1: seems taboo sometimes, especially in the black community for sure,

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Speaker 1: for sure. So before I begin, how are you feeling?

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Speaker 1: How you doing? I'm doing pretty good. You know, I'm

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Speaker 1: pretty relaxed today. Um, yeah, I relaxed. Yeah, absolutely, I

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Speaker 1: don't have no complaints. Um, I'm happy to be here

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Speaker 1: for sure, but I'm feeling good. I can't complain. How

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Speaker 1: has the play pen'd never been treating you? Um, it's

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Speaker 1: been weird. I mean I've allowed myself it's well, it's

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Speaker 1: afforded me to do a lot of soul searching. Um,

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Speaker 1: I've really tried to figure out what my purpose was

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Speaker 1: as far as or is I should say, in life,

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Speaker 1: because right now it was like kind of in between jobs.

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Speaker 1: I was a counselor for a while, and then I

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Speaker 1: really just got tired of, um like living vicariously through

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Speaker 1: other people's like taking it home. So I I'm on

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Speaker 1: the hightst right now trying to see what looking at

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Speaker 1: other career fields. So it it's been treating me relatively

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Speaker 1: fine as far as Uh, it helped me. It's gave

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Speaker 1: me the time to learn a little bit more about

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Speaker 1: self and what direction I need to go in what's

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Speaker 1: a good thing, because sometimes you have to slow down

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Speaker 1: to figure out what's gonna be your next step forward?

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Speaker 1: For sure? For sure. So while watching your story only YouTube,

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Speaker 1: you said that you were being fast. And the reason

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Speaker 1: why I'm saying is because I feel like the narrative

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Speaker 1: is so like prominent with young girls, especially Black girls,

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Speaker 1: especially when we're start having sex at a young age.

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Speaker 1: So looking back, do you think become a pregnant a

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Speaker 1: young age and give me your child for adoption could

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Speaker 1: have been prevented? Um? I do? Um? I want to say,

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Speaker 1: I remember it used to. It started at like uh

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Speaker 1: talks at school with like my friends, you know, they

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Speaker 1: would be asking like who is still a virgin? And

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Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh me, you know, and um That's

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Speaker 1: when I started to get kind of curious and I

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Speaker 1: kind of spread up my process of one. Then I'm like,

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Speaker 1: all right, I just want to get that part over with.

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Speaker 1: And so I felt like that the talks, if I

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Speaker 1: was around like a different um social impeer group, perhaps

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't have been so quick to try to do that.

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Speaker 1: So I definitely feel like it couldn't been prevented, you know.

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Speaker 1: And I also thought, I remember having those conversations were

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Speaker 1: my friends when I was growing up to growing up too,

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Speaker 1: and they should be like everybody was having sex with

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Speaker 1: me because I didn't start having sex I got in college.

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Speaker 1: And that's that's like what I what I felt like

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Speaker 1: should have happened. But then we're so like, it's the

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Speaker 1: shutter cud of what is that that? Really? That's like

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Speaker 1: sometimes where it's supposed to happen here, society tells us

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Speaker 1: when it should happen, you know, um. And so yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's funny that you were having those conversations too, But

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Speaker 1: I wonder what separates people from when they choose to

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Speaker 1: act on that, you know. Well, you know, for me,

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Speaker 1: my mom had my baby sister, um, and I was

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Speaker 1: pretty much her mother. So I was like, no, I'm

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Speaker 1: not trying to have no kid. Yeah, I think that's

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Speaker 1: what scared me. I feel like I should have had

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Speaker 1: something that scared me more. I was more of one

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Speaker 1: of those invincible teages. I kind of felt like although

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Speaker 1: you heard about it, like friends would talk about it,

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Speaker 1: I never I still never thought it would be me,

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Speaker 1: which is like, hellobratardy girl, why you need to get invisible?

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Speaker 1: I don't even believe it when I when I got pregnant,

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Speaker 1: I could not believe that that was actually what's going on.

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Speaker 1: I was working at her. Did your mom talked to

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Speaker 1: you about that? She tried to, Like, I have a

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Speaker 1: twin sister, and she she did try to talk to

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Speaker 1: us about it, and I would do is like laugh

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Speaker 1: because it's so freaking uncomfortable to have that conversation that,

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Speaker 1: Like she was serious about it, but we didn't take

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Speaker 1: it that seriously, Like we were just like, yeah, we know, like,

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Speaker 1: but it's not gonna be asked, so you don't really

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Speaker 1: have much to worry about. So when it did happen,

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Speaker 1: I think, like you know, they was very disappointing for sure.

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Speaker 1: So when you tell people your story, now, do you

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Speaker 1: feel like people judge you or do you feel like

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Speaker 1: they support your decision? Um? I feel like to make

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Speaker 1: sure of both. I feel like if they're judging me,

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Speaker 1: they try not to put it on like they're judging me.

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Speaker 1: But I think it's only after we judge people based

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Speaker 1: upon your values and your beliefs, So it was probably,

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Speaker 1: it's probably and make sure of both. I feel like

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Speaker 1: people support me when they're my friends, but but they

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Speaker 1: kind of judge me somewhat based upon like like they

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Speaker 1: have their own kids, and they know that they wouldn't

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Speaker 1: have done that with their kids. So some of them

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Speaker 1: are kind of shocked that I would have made such

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Speaker 1: a decision, especially if I'm going to talk about it

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Speaker 1: and appear to need sympathy for which I really don't.

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Speaker 1: TARFA some people to sympathize with the situation, like I said,

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Speaker 1: based upon their own situation or their values and their beliefs.

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Speaker 1: So I I again, it's definitely makes your both for sure. Listen,

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Speaker 1: it gotta be a good day. Where are you wet?

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Speaker 1: Because some birds are key kid and child, Yes they are.

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Speaker 1: They are key kiding every time you talk. They talked about,

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Speaker 1: oh look, all right, so how old were you when

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Speaker 1: you found out that you were program? I was sixteen.

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Speaker 1: I was sixteen. I was almost seventeen, so I almost

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Speaker 1: forget that I was sixteen at the time. I almost

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Speaker 1: wished that show like six Sing Pregnant was out of

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Speaker 1: the time, but I wonder, I'm like, well, maybe I

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Speaker 1: don't wish it was but I was like, man, if

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Speaker 1: I would have seen that show, maybe things would have

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Speaker 1: been different. But I was sixteen, I think, so I

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Speaker 1: don't know if it was, because now I see when

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Speaker 1: that show first came out, it was more real than

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Speaker 1: what it is now because most of them, them girls

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Speaker 1: is like rich now based upon selling their stories to

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Speaker 1: the media, you know what I'm saying, And so they

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Speaker 1: struggle as people can't really relate to it anymore because

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Speaker 1: now they see like with a big house, so and

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Speaker 1: they have followed your stories, and she was sixteen, and

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Speaker 1: people believe that that's what's gonna happen to them, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm that's not In the beginning, I felt

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Speaker 1: like it would have been a good show to watch.

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Speaker 1: But now what it is now like following them girls,

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Speaker 1: all of them, they don't have the same problems you're

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Speaker 1: average sixteen or would have you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: That's not in a good situation that you're not about

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Speaker 1: to have no money, You're not about to you're about

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Speaker 1: to think about all kinds of stuff, you know what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. So it's not relatable anymore for myself anyway,

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Speaker 1: So when did um I noticed when I was working

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Speaker 1: at Sonic at the time, and I remember, like I started.

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Speaker 1: It was a great time. It really was. Um. I

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Speaker 1: remember working there and I was eating like I was

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Speaker 1: eating color pickles. I'll never forget it. But I still

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Speaker 1: didn't think I was pregnant because I always like pickled,

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Speaker 1: so it wasn't really a thing. But I started eating

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Speaker 1: like the chicken sound she crack ton of pickles on it.

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Speaker 1: And I remember this girl came through the draft too,

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Speaker 1: and she asked me was I pregnant? I was like, girl, no,

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Speaker 1: Like I was thinking to her, like what would give

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Speaker 1: you that indication? And then I had gotten pulled over.

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Speaker 1: I gotten pulled over, I remember, and this guy that

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Speaker 1: the copy even asked was that pregnant? And I was

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Speaker 1: just like, yo, this is like two coincidental, Like they

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Speaker 1: keep asking people keep asking me this. And I didn't

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Speaker 1: think that I looked pregnant. I really didn't. I thought

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Speaker 1: I was like bloaded. I remember my mom was talking

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Speaker 1: about my weight at one time and then I got

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Speaker 1: really mad at her, and then she took me up

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Speaker 1: to the hospital to go get seen about because she

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Speaker 1: felt like my stomach was just like awkwardly for me.

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Speaker 1: I just thought I was bloated or something. I didn't

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Speaker 1: know what was going on. It was crazy that I

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Speaker 1: didn't even think that that was the issue, because, like

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Speaker 1: I said, I'm thinking, I'm so invincible like this, that

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Speaker 1: can't be it. When that nurse told me I was

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Speaker 1: burning it, I must have ran all the way down

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Speaker 1: fourth floor. I'll went all the way down to the

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Speaker 1: first floor. I like ran out of the hospital. Like

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Speaker 1: I just was mortified. I'm telling I think at that time,

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Speaker 1: I might have been like four. I might have been

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Speaker 1: like four at that time, and I was shocked. I

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Speaker 1: was just too shocked. I just couldn't believe, like this

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Speaker 1: is this is actually what was happening. Um, But you

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Speaker 1: know that's my ebol all because not for nothing. I

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Speaker 1: was pregnant before too, and I was like, I mean,

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Speaker 1: you've never seen it before. But I looked at I

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Speaker 1: looked the same exact way that I am now, and

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Speaker 1: I was close to fore must being pregnant, and I

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Speaker 1: just couldn't believe because I'm like, I just don't. I mean,

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Speaker 1: and then it's crazy how you look at yourself versus

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Speaker 1: how like the world is actually seeing you. So it's

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Speaker 1: it's so it's so different I don't think I am.

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Speaker 1: I don't think it richistered to me for a minute,

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Speaker 1: I got even more mad with my mom asked me, like,

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Speaker 1: um so, who's the dad. I was pissed when she

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Speaker 1: asked me that I don't even been. It says to

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Speaker 1: be honest, The key key was I didn't even know

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Speaker 1: at the time, like I knew I was. I was.

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Speaker 1: That's my next question, because I was like girl messing

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Speaker 1: with this is guy was messing with like I would always.

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Speaker 1: He was already out of high school, but only like

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Speaker 1: a year out of high school, so not only like

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Speaker 1: pedophile type stuff like her, um, I would only mess.

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Speaker 1: I would only see him like after hours, like we was.

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Speaker 1: We wasn't really dating, but he might have thought we were,

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Speaker 1: but we weren't. I didn't see him in that in

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Speaker 1: that life, and it was cool, but that was it.

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Speaker 1: And then I remember I stopped talking to him for

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Speaker 1: a while for maybe like a month, and I was

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Speaker 1: talking to his other dude. I only saw him like once,

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Speaker 1: so I didn't really know between those two. Even though

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Speaker 1: you would think you would sleep, you would pick the

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Speaker 1: one that you were most actively sleeping with, like you

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Speaker 1: slept with the most times. I was thinking. I still

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Speaker 1: didn't know who who it was, so I just picked one.

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Speaker 1: But hey, you know what's so funny because when I

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Speaker 1: was walking a YouTube story, I know people who like

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Speaker 1: what but you was also a kid, so it just

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Speaker 1: makes I mean, obviously now you're ground, so you know

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Speaker 1: better now. But back then, it just because she was like,

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Speaker 1: because it was like, girl, this is what target. So

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Speaker 1: I went, I went with that narrative. I just picked one,

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Speaker 1: and I was just like, um, I was just like, okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm just gonna wrote with him. Was gonna say, I'm

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Speaker 1: just gonna say that he's dead, But did you would

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Speaker 1: find out? And that it was? It was such forever

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Speaker 1: till I actually okay. So the guy that I blamed

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Speaker 1: it on, like, I even showed like his family. I

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Speaker 1: told him like, um, I showed his family, like the

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Speaker 1: ultrasound pictures. His mom was it's like, are you sure

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Speaker 1: because you know this has happened to him before. Um,

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Speaker 1: so like this happened to him before, And I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm positive. In the back of my mind, I had

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Speaker 1: no freaking idea. I was just like, I mean, he's

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Speaker 1: gonna be it for now. And then I started having

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Speaker 1: serious doubts, and I remember I told him, okay, I

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Speaker 1: finally told him I don't actually think this baby to us,

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Speaker 1: and he did not believe me. He normally a god

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Speaker 1: his age, you know, he was a teenager like myself.

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Speaker 1: He would just be like, yes, thank god, it's not mine.

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Speaker 1: I would think and just like want to run away

240
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Speaker 1: from where he was, like Adamant had a lot of

241
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,040
Speaker 1: him and told him that I checked, I had it.

242
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Speaker 1: I had it checked some kind of way throughout some

243
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Speaker 1: ambionic titastic. I had no idea what I was talking about,

244
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,280
Speaker 1: but I researched something and I made something up and

245
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Speaker 1: just told him like that's how I know it's not yours,

246
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Speaker 1: and he believes me. So it was so crazy. I

247
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Speaker 1: was just like, why are you this way? Why? Because

248
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Speaker 1: something in my mind was just like, yo, and if

249
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Speaker 1: if he finds out any other way, like let's just

250
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:33,520
Speaker 1: say he just shows up at the at the birth,

251
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Speaker 1: like he's dark skinned and the guy, the other guy

252
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Speaker 1: that I was like actively sleeping with the most, he's

253
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Speaker 1: a light skinned guy. So I was just like, yo,

254
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Speaker 1: what if the baby comes out like super light and

255
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Speaker 1: he's like, what the heck, son't you designing her practicing

256
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Speaker 1: that you want to go, So I was. I had

257
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Speaker 1: thought maybe about as soon as it happened, I knew

258
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Speaker 1: that I didn't want to keep child like I was

259
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Speaker 1: just like, um, I don't want to be attached to this,

260
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Speaker 1: Like I was very detached, like my whole pricy because

261
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,319
Speaker 1: it's never what I wanted. Even like some girls in

262
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Speaker 1: our school, like theyver had like this whole pregnancy like group.

263
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Speaker 1: I was not trying to be a part of that.

264
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,719
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not proud of this cat like I'm

265
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Speaker 1: not about and it's sad how I was, how I was,

266
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Speaker 1: how my mindset was, but I was pissed. So I

267
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,080
Speaker 1: wasn't like you're happy, go lucky Priory the person who

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Speaker 1: I just accepted it. I was just like I had

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Speaker 1: plans of like going to college or going to the

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Speaker 1: military because my mom was prior military. So it's kind

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Speaker 1: of like all I knew and all I know was this,

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Speaker 1: This was like a right in my plans, and so

273
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Speaker 1: I just couldn't want this happen. So I tried to

274
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Speaker 1: go get an abortion, and when I went up there,

275
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,520
Speaker 1: like I had never seen this before. I had one

276
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Speaker 1: always Charlotte, Um, and what I see I saw these protests.

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Speaker 1: It's like totally freaked me out. My mom took me

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Speaker 1: up there and then before she wouldn't even let me

279
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Speaker 1: go because she was looking at like all these um

280
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Speaker 1: like she was looking at how traumatic it could actually be.

281
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Speaker 1: I didn't care about that. I was just like, well,

282
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Speaker 1: I'm not trying to have this baby. I went up there.

283
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Speaker 1: They told me you're too far along. I was screaming.

284
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,920
Speaker 1: I was mortified. I was just like, this cannot be happening.

285
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Speaker 1: How can I not have this option right now? Like

286
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:20,480
Speaker 1: I cannot. I was just like, okay, I was terrified.

287
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,760
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm actually gonna have to deliver this baby,

288
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Speaker 1: like I'm not trying to have my couci like freaking

289
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Speaker 1: side of water. And I was just thinking of all

290
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,800
Speaker 1: this crazy stuff, like I'm never gonna be the same

291
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Speaker 1: my life. So that's when I started thinking about adoption

292
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Speaker 1: because I felt like it's my last option as far

293
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Speaker 1: as my decision not keeping the child. So that's when

294
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Speaker 1: I started looking into adoption and like adopted parents and

295
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:48,800
Speaker 1: all that stuff. I just wanted stuff to be over

296
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Speaker 1: as quickly as possible. I just didn't I didn't want

297
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:57,120
Speaker 1: to feel nothing, and I know you have a twin sister,

298
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Speaker 1: so she didn't talk to me a lot. Um. She

299
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,680
Speaker 1: it took her a long time to stop being angry

300
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,360
Speaker 1: at me about it because she felt like all the

301
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,560
Speaker 1: attention was on me during that time, and she took

302
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,600
Speaker 1: away from her academic success, which I never actually thought

303
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,600
Speaker 1: about because she was always the one to make a grade,

304
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,800
Speaker 1: you know. And my mom could acknowledge that because she

305
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,360
Speaker 1: was so busy like focusing on me and my partners say,

306
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,920
Speaker 1: to make sure I was okay, which for a long

307
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,760
Speaker 1: time I couldn't. It took me a long time to

308
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,160
Speaker 1: understand how she might have felt, or even to consider

309
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:34,880
Speaker 1: it right. So what were you looking for in a

310
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,960
Speaker 1: family when it came to the adoption. I didn't look

311
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,960
Speaker 1: for much. It was crazy, how how you can just

312
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,800
Speaker 1: not look for much. I'm like, as long as they

313
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:48,920
Speaker 1: have good jobs, um, and they're black, because I don't

314
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,600
Speaker 1: want that much confusion. And I wanted to make sure

315
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,360
Speaker 1: they were dark skinning. This is bad too, well kind

316
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,360
Speaker 1: of bad. But didn't he that I wanted to make

317
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,360
Speaker 1: sure that they were dark skinned so that he wouldn't

318
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,120
Speaker 1: know that that's not his family. But then that's so

319
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,360
Speaker 1: like funked up in a way because it's like, well,

320
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,200
Speaker 1: why would I want anybody? Wait? So he wouldn't know,

321
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,639
Speaker 1: And I wanted like his family, like the family he

322
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,680
Speaker 1: was placed. I wanted him to like maybe look for

323
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,040
Speaker 1: me one day. And I feel like the only way

324
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,119
Speaker 1: you could is it you had some noticeable differences and

325
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,720
Speaker 1: maybe you start asking questions. That's why my mom was

326
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,639
Speaker 1: thinking at that time, which is kind of my stuff

327
00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,159
Speaker 1: because who wouldn't want to feel as a part of

328
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,120
Speaker 1: their family, you know what I'm saying. But I couldn't

329
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:31,720
Speaker 1: think all that level at that time. So how do

330
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,560
Speaker 1: about it now? About how you thought with that particular car.

331
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,359
Speaker 1: I really felt funked up for how selfish I was,

332
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,920
Speaker 1: but I just didn't know how not. I really didn't

333
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,560
Speaker 1: know not not to be selfish at that time, Like

334
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,800
Speaker 1: can't you I could have put on one a lot

335
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,440
Speaker 1: of your skin family, But I was just like, well

336
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,239
Speaker 1: then what if they never tell them about me? Well

337
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,000
Speaker 1: maybe that's a good thing if they never tell him.

338
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,160
Speaker 1: I started thinking all kind of stuff. You know, Um

339
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,960
Speaker 1: so I don't nowadays, I don't feel good about it,

340
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,200
Speaker 1: but I don't know a lot that I could do

341
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:11,120
Speaker 1: because some other fun up stuff I did was when

342
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:16,359
Speaker 1: it came time for um, when it came time for

343
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:19,280
Speaker 1: me to have the child, like they, well, the adoptive agency,

344
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:20,879
Speaker 1: they asked me that I know who the father was,

345
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,080
Speaker 1: and I told him no because I didn't want them

346
00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:26,360
Speaker 1: to searching for him because I didn't want another right

347
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,600
Speaker 1: to be in my plans. Which is also really fucked

348
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:33,560
Speaker 1: up because um, it robbed him on the opportunity to

349
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:37,680
Speaker 1: say anything to stop the whole thing, which later on

350
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,679
Speaker 1: I had to answer for because you know, he when

351
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,400
Speaker 1: I finally did tell him about it, it was after

352
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,760
Speaker 1: the fact, and he was not happy about that, you know. Um.

353
00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:51,720
Speaker 1: And but how did you know he was a father?

354
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,640
Speaker 1: Know I was him, because well it was the only

355
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,679
Speaker 1: between two people. And then when the child came out,

356
00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:05,320
Speaker 1: he looked just like just like the Patris today. Um yeah, basically,

357
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:13,800
Speaker 1: so I saw like less of before without validation. So

358
00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:18,159
Speaker 1: it was it was it was interesting. I am that

359
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:25,200
Speaker 1: that whole potrayial innocence with him. It's still eating me

360
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:28,280
Speaker 1: to this day. Like I actually I ended up going

361
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:31,879
Speaker 1: to the military, but then I had to Um, but

362
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,480
Speaker 1: then I had to still answer for that because I

363
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,440
Speaker 1: was married when I got married when I got in

364
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:40,840
Speaker 1: the military, and oh, so down because that's one of

365
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:44,200
Speaker 1: my that's one of my other questions I got. So

366
00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:46,320
Speaker 1: I know that you did a close adoption, So can

367
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:49,920
Speaker 1: you explain what that is? What that means an adoption

368
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:55,000
Speaker 1: that takes place whereas you are not permitted to have

369
00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:58,440
Speaker 1: any contact with their parents, You're not permitted to receive

370
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:03,199
Speaker 1: any um updates on the child and pictures. It's basically

371
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:07,639
Speaker 1: like you don't exist, you know. UM. A lot of

372
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,960
Speaker 1: open adoptions they are they'll they'll you know, permitted to

373
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,480
Speaker 1: give you updates and pictures and things like that. But

374
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:18,679
Speaker 1: with close adoptions, you know, nothing is guaranteed you at all.

375
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,800
Speaker 1: They don't have to do a thing. Nothing, there's no contract,

376
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,199
Speaker 1: no now being that you want under age. Could your

377
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:37,159
Speaker 1: mom could, um, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure nowadays

378
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,880
Speaker 1: it's probably something that she could have done, but I'm

379
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:43,480
Speaker 1: not even sure if she looked into that based upon

380
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:48,160
Speaker 1: I don't know if parental parental rights trump for your

381
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:53,160
Speaker 1: parents rights, if that makes sense. Yeah, right, I'm not sure.

382
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:59,720
Speaker 1: That's a really good question. Actually, So after you gave

383
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,480
Speaker 1: can you explain what was next in the adoption process, Like,

384
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,400
Speaker 1: how did that how does that work? You get birth,

385
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,639
Speaker 1: and so normally you give birth and the adopted parents

386
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:13,000
Speaker 1: they're somewhere in the fracinity. UM, you have essentially like

387
00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:16,000
Speaker 1: they might like they're in the area waiting on you

388
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:20,360
Speaker 1: because you have like, if I'm not mistaken, I really

389
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,080
Speaker 1: have to look this up again, because you have like

390
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,600
Speaker 1: either for a day, hours to thirty days to like

391
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:30,800
Speaker 1: change your mind or something like that. UM, I really

392
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,240
Speaker 1: have to look into what those specifics are. But I

393
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:35,480
Speaker 1: know while you're in the hospital, you're signing like those

394
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:40,280
Speaker 1: final paperwork, that final paperwork that basically signs your baby

395
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,760
Speaker 1: over to them and all rights and also like medical

396
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,440
Speaker 1: bills and stuff. Normally the adopted parents have to cover that. UM.

397
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 1: So yeah, while you're in there, you're signing over all

398
00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:55,639
Speaker 1: that stuff. UM. And if you are if by the

399
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,679
Speaker 1: time you leave the hospital in those two days, if

400
00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,800
Speaker 1: you're like finaling a decision, you can go down and

401
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:04,359
Speaker 1: see your baby, which we did and my mom was

402
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,320
Speaker 1: like crying and something. I think we might have shed

403
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:08,120
Speaker 1: a tear in the hallway. Baby. That was the first

404
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,000
Speaker 1: time I worked really cried about it. But I wasn't sure,

405
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,359
Speaker 1: but she was crying or I wasn't really sure what

406
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,240
Speaker 1: I was feeling at the time, Um, because I didn't

407
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:19,840
Speaker 1: want to hold them or nothing. I didn't hold them

408
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,160
Speaker 1: or nothing because I right, you didn't want no type

409
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,480
Speaker 1: of connection with him. Yeah, I was trying to spare myself,

410
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:31,719
Speaker 1: I suppose. UM. So they they were waiting in another room.

411
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,800
Speaker 1: I never got to see them, um after that, but

412
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,800
Speaker 1: they took him after after I was discharged, and that

413
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,520
Speaker 1: was that was kind of it, you know. It was

414
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,240
Speaker 1: the adoption is that kept in touching me for a

415
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,360
Speaker 1: little while, just to see if I would change my mind.

416
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,080
Speaker 1: And that's like the adoptive parents worst nightmare, to change

417
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:52,639
Speaker 1: your mind. Nelse thirty days. Some days I wish I

418
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:57,280
Speaker 1: would have How long has it been since you gave

419
00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:04,200
Speaker 1: him up for adoption? Two thousand nine? So how do

420
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:10,080
Speaker 1: you feel now? Um? I feel like it just makes

421
00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:14,000
Speaker 1: me feel strange, you know, wondering what could have been.

422
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,440
Speaker 1: I don't even want Some days, I don't even want kids.

423
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,040
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I don't want to. I don't know,

424
00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:20,840
Speaker 1: I don't wanna have to answer for that and this,

425
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,040
Speaker 1: you know, um. And then other days I really wish

426
00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,600
Speaker 1: that I did have to. Almost there's always a void

427
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,159
Speaker 1: to feel some kind of way, And I don't know

428
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,840
Speaker 1: if either way it's healthy healthy way to feel a void,

429
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 1: like you don't want to just have a kid off

430
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:42,200
Speaker 1: the stretch of losing one, you know, um, exactly. My

431
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 1: mom's still kind of like does things like she goes

432
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,119
Speaker 1: and looks for him, and it just does stuff that

433
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 1: it's totally out of pocket. But that's a whole another story,

434
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,199
Speaker 1: because well, why do you think it's out of pocket?

435
00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,280
Speaker 1: Doesn't she doesn't. Um, she has little regards sometimes for

436
00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:02,640
Speaker 1: how I might feel about her average search for him,

437
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:06,679
Speaker 1: meaning like she's done things where they're located in Jacksonville, Florida,

438
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,200
Speaker 1: and my long boyfriend says, in Jacksonville, Florida, and she

439
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:14,560
Speaker 1: found a way to get in touch with the school

440
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,840
Speaker 1: that he goes to and found his school picture, and

441
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,720
Speaker 1: then then she wouldn't give it to me because I

442
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,679
Speaker 1: told her she was wrong for doing that. And then

443
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 1: I guess she feels like I don't want to have

444
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,879
Speaker 1: regards for her, like I don't. I forgot what you

445
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,639
Speaker 1: call the onim no grid, he telling her, like, legally,

446
00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:34,080
Speaker 1: we don't have any rights, so you have to stop

447
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:38,320
Speaker 1: acting like you do. Initially, they were giving us pictures.

448
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:41,879
Speaker 1: But early on, in the early on, in that communication,

449
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:46,119
Speaker 1: my mom freaking gave their address to my baby daddy

450
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,000
Speaker 1: and he wrote them a letter and they got scared

451
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:55,639
Speaker 1: and never sent us another picture. Yes, so yes, it

452
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 1: was kind of I felt like, I, oh, oh, like

453
00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:02,000
Speaker 1: he deserves to know things, but in the manner in

454
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:05,800
Speaker 1: which my mom is trying to forcibly know things, it

455
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,920
Speaker 1: ruined a lot in the beginning, like we could have

456
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,160
Speaker 1: been had other pictures, like I hadn't had pictures since

457
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,080
Speaker 1: he was a baby, And that was my my mom's fault,

458
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,760
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, because she overstepped sometimes and

459
00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:19,679
Speaker 1: it caused him to not trust us anymore. So they

460
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:23,159
Speaker 1: just stopped communicating with us. I know that dad communicates

461
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,160
Speaker 1: with me like once a year, but I don't tell

462
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 1: my mom that because do anything. So I know you

463
00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:36,119
Speaker 1: were married, So how did this affect your marriage? Um?

464
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:40,920
Speaker 1: Like I was when I got married, So I was

465
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:44,119
Speaker 1: still young then and I didn't understand how My relationship

466
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,040
Speaker 1: with my baby's father because we would talk every now

467
00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:48,640
Speaker 1: and then, because I always felt like I at least

468
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,600
Speaker 1: owed him that to give him some kind of affection

469
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,639
Speaker 1: for the precious thing. That I robbed him of if

470
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:59,200
Speaker 1: that makes sense. Um, So when he wanted to talk,

471
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,920
Speaker 1: I would, and that like seep off into my marriage.

472
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:07,359
Speaker 1: It looked like infidelity, but on the for me, it wasn't.

473
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:11,240
Speaker 1: For me, it was hey, you know, just right. I

474
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,320
Speaker 1: was kind of way because I carried this bagage into

475
00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:18,200
Speaker 1: my marriage and he that it's something that a person

476
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 1: doesn't really understand unless sometimes unless you go through it,

477
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,200
Speaker 1: or you really try to understand it, then you might.

478
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,120
Speaker 1: So my husband did not understand why would you still

479
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,359
Speaker 1: keep up communications with this person? And sometimes there were

480
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,720
Speaker 1: the conversations were inappropriate as far as like we always

481
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:36,040
Speaker 1: used to wonder like what could be in better circumstances,

482
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:40,360
Speaker 1: So of course any man would be intendibly right such

483
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,240
Speaker 1: a conversation. It wasn't really fair to him, you know.

484
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 1: So he divorced me, and I was okay with that

485
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,040
Speaker 1: book actually really heartbroken for a while because I was

486
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 1: just like, man, I just keep being feeling like my

487
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,120
Speaker 1: own worst enemy too, because he was someone that really

488
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,880
Speaker 1: did love me, and I'm not sure if I had

489
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:04,600
Speaker 1: anybody loved me like that anymore. So, right, well, I

490
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:06,800
Speaker 1: feel like just speaking to you and like listening to

491
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 1: your story on YouTube and stuff like I can tell

492
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:13,480
Speaker 1: like this, it's weird because I feel like I wear

493
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:18,800
Speaker 1: um a decent phase for for what it is, because

494
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,600
Speaker 1: I feel like I caused a lot of it. So

495
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to to, like not necessarily to

496
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 1: talk about it a lot, but it's hard for me

497
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:31,119
Speaker 1: to play the like like, hey, that still bothers me,

498
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:35,000
Speaker 1: and I want somebody to care because on the surface,

499
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:38,520
Speaker 1: it looks like, hey, these are totably totally avoidable situations

500
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,760
Speaker 1: like we How do you feel for a person like that?

501
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:48,879
Speaker 1: I don't know. M hmm, So do you want us

502
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 1: to do you want to have a relationship with your child?

503
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 1: And if so, what would the relationship look like for you?

504
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,680
Speaker 1: I don't know if I I want to, I think

505
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,239
Speaker 1: I think so. I think I do, but not at

506
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,880
Speaker 1: this point. I want him to grow up in all

507
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 1: that stuff, and I feel like when he's older and

508
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:10,440
Speaker 1: he's at a point where he can like maturely received

509
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,040
Speaker 1: the backstory of it all, then I think that's what

510
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,480
Speaker 1: I would want one because right now I think it

511
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 1: would be very confusing. You know, I don't know a

512
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,560
Speaker 1: child I would be able to retain, Yeah, but not

513
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:25,960
Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, he's a for sure, but how would

514
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,720
Speaker 1: you how would you feel if he doesn't want to

515
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:31,680
Speaker 1: have relations? Would say that a part of me has

516
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:35,760
Speaker 1: accepted that because a part of me has detached some

517
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:41,960
Speaker 1: ways from ever knowing him. Um, because I feel like

518
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:45,680
Speaker 1: it's easier for me to accept it then for me

519
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 1: to want one and be rejected, If that makes sense.

520
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:54,760
Speaker 1: Do you think you would ever have more kids? If

521
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:58,680
Speaker 1: if God willing? Maybe? Maybe? Other times I feel like

522
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: I don't, like it's just not meant to be, because

523
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:05,120
Speaker 1: I know recently, I was trying to go get my

524
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:07,720
Speaker 1: boged over because I had a one that goes in

525
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 1: your arm, and they were telling me how I was

526
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,480
Speaker 1: like six months laid on it and I had no

527
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,200
Speaker 1: idea because this one lasts for like three years or

528
00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:18,800
Speaker 1: something like that, and I haven't sleep with my boyfriend

529
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,640
Speaker 1: and my current boyfriend now and I was like, oh, wow,

530
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 1: you know I don't get pregnant for like six months.

531
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,000
Speaker 1: So I was like, maybe that's a sign that I'm

532
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:28,400
Speaker 1: like so stupid and I'm like not making because ever again,

533
00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:33,680
Speaker 1: because god, you know, even they say statistically like after

534
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:40,320
Speaker 1: you after when you have a child young, like I

535
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,400
Speaker 1: think they say like three to five years, you're like

536
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:44,760
Speaker 1: such to have another one. And I actually did get

537
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:48,400
Speaker 1: pregnant after that, and I avoid it like expeditiously because

538
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:52,240
Speaker 1: I could not rewive that that was like I was

539
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:54,240
Speaker 1: just like, I don't think God's gonna bless me another child.

540
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 1: I don't even know what to do with him. Like

541
00:29:56,040 --> 00:30:03,680
Speaker 1: I feel like, who are you talking about this though? Though?

542
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,280
Speaker 1: Like do you? Like I mean, because I'm pretty sure

543
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:08,320
Speaker 1: if you don't talk to your sister about it or

544
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,960
Speaker 1: your mom about it, especially your mom because she's like

545
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,560
Speaker 1: it seems like she really wants to have that relationship

546
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:19,160
Speaker 1: with her girlsn oh, So that did you go to

547
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:23,680
Speaker 1: therapy or like therapy about it? I have, um, I

548
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,280
Speaker 1: think I've talked, like I've shared the story with a

549
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:29,400
Speaker 1: couple of people, and one like it's therapy me for

550
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,000
Speaker 1: me to share it because it forces me to talk

551
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,600
Speaker 1: about it. And so there's some sometimes I have some

552
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:40,920
Speaker 1: pretty um therapeutic feels whenever I'm just talking about it.

553
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:42,840
Speaker 1: So I haven't really like talked to any kind of

554
00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:46,440
Speaker 1: professional about it because I don't know what what I

555
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:50,360
Speaker 1: need to hear, if that makes sense, Like what do

556
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:55,720
Speaker 1: I need to is it? Is it doing something to me.

557
00:30:55,800 --> 00:31:01,000
Speaker 1: I have no idea, right, but you wouldn't know unless

558
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 1: you try to. This is something that I need to

559
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:08,920
Speaker 1: consider it for sure if you feel like but that's

560
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:10,720
Speaker 1: a decision that you would have to make. But I

561
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:13,480
Speaker 1: know when when I go to go to therapy, I

562
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:16,160
Speaker 1: don't go as often because I don't put hands on

563
00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:20,400
Speaker 1: people no more. But like when I was going to therapy,

564
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,040
Speaker 1: because I still know, but not as an often, I

565
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 1: was certain things that was so traumatic affected a lot

566
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:34,920
Speaker 1: of areas in my life. That this is true. So

567
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:38,840
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure this is a particularly experience that you had.

568
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:44,320
Speaker 1: It had it probably still lives affect I. Really, you're

569
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:48,160
Speaker 1: probably right about that. It's actually what boundaries like with

570
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:59,840
Speaker 1: your mom. Yeah, I mean this so or I learned

571
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:01,720
Speaker 1: learn how to communicate bet because I can see why

572
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,040
Speaker 1: you're still you have a twin, Like that's not like

573
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:07,000
Speaker 1: you're still that's your twin. So I can see how

574
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:12,520
Speaker 1: she probably what's fun the way that she was. She

575
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,040
Speaker 1: took us forever to even talk about. She always told

576
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:17,560
Speaker 1: me like no one ever asked how I felt about it.

577
00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:22,480
Speaker 1: You know she did say that right, right, right, that's

578
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:26,720
Speaker 1: your twin. That's crazy, Um, if there's anything that you'd

579
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:28,960
Speaker 1: like to say to your child now when they get

580
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:34,280
Speaker 1: probably it would probably I'd probably say, you know, um,

581
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,400
Speaker 1: i'd say it's weird that I would say this, but

582
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,400
Speaker 1: I think i'd be like, I just say, like, mommy

583
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:44,800
Speaker 1: made a lot of mistakes and I hope your childhood

584
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 1: wasn't hard because of it. You know, I want to say,

585
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:51,160
Speaker 1: That's what I start off by saying, but I probably

586
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 1: may let him do most of the talking because I

587
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 1: feel guilty for doing a lot of talking, I think

588
00:32:56,320 --> 00:33:04,840
Speaker 1: at that time, Right, do you have any regrets? Some days?

589
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,480
Speaker 1: Most days I feel like no, because I don't know

590
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 1: what my life would be. Yeah, well, I mean I

591
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,400
Speaker 1: don't think so, but some days I am I do

592
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:22,520
Speaker 1: feel like I do have regret for what it meant

593
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 1: for those around me, if that makes sense. And this question,

594
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:31,840
Speaker 1: this came out to talk to my dog, but this

595
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:33,920
Speaker 1: is this is the last question because I'm just thinking

596
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,840
Speaker 1: about as when we was young girls, and like you know,

597
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,560
Speaker 1: sex was such a big intricing part when it comes

598
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 1: to hanging out with your friends because either you were

599
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 1: having sex and you weren't. Wasn't having sex? Did you

600
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:47,320
Speaker 1: feel comfortable enough like with going to somebody and like

601
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,800
Speaker 1: sharing these conversations with him that she was having your friends, Like,

602
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:52,560
Speaker 1: what do you think that you could have done differently

603
00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:56,360
Speaker 1: when you was having those moments? Because I think about

604
00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:58,959
Speaker 1: that all the time too, And even like earlier when

605
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 1: you was like where was to disconnect? Where you chose

606
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:04,640
Speaker 1: to get pregnant and not chose away because or vice versa,

607
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 1: because a lot of people go through this as young kids. Absolutely,

608
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:15,120
Speaker 1: absolutely I wouldn't say there should there could have been

609
00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:19,320
Speaker 1: more of an open door in regards to like talking

610
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,840
Speaker 1: to your parents about these kind of things, because no

611
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:23,800
Speaker 1: matter how you put it, I feel like parents and

612
00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:26,759
Speaker 1: parents and they're just even in the most open relationships,

613
00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 1: you're not gonna tell him everything. But if there was

614
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:31,279
Speaker 1: more of an open guy, like like my mom was

615
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:34,360
Speaker 1: going all the time, you know, and when she was

616
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,680
Speaker 1: home while she was sleeping, stuff like that, because you know,

617
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:38,680
Speaker 1: she worked long outwards like a lot of our parents,

618
00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:44,440
Speaker 1: and um, I felt like she tried, but there there

619
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:46,440
Speaker 1: still wasn't an openness that I could just go and

620
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:48,880
Speaker 1: talk to her or anyone for that matter, about what

621
00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:51,560
Speaker 1: was going on in my life, because I just I

622
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:55,120
Speaker 1: didn't think it was a problem. You feel like, well,

623
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:58,279
Speaker 1: everything does it? So, I mean, and then we'll talk

624
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:01,879
Speaker 1: about I know about it offend, but you still like, yeah,

625
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:05,320
Speaker 1: there definitely wasn't a person that I was openly talking

626
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:13,480
Speaker 1: to about that. I can't not one and all right now.

627
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:17,919
Speaker 1: And I anger what a dad's presence would have done,

628
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 1: how much it would have impacted. So there's there are

629
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:26,560
Speaker 1: lives that like anger towards him. And amongst the African

630
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:31,080
Speaker 1: immunicative African American community where this asolique fathers are such

631
00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 1: a theme. It's problematic, it really is, especially with within

632
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:39,520
Speaker 1: young girls lives, you know, and you men too, of course,

633
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:43,000
Speaker 1: but we don't acknowledge how how much of an impact

634
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:45,120
Speaker 1: you can have for girls either as much as we

635
00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:49,840
Speaker 1: do the man. Do you think your life could have

636
00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 1: possibly been different if your father was around? For sure? Sure? Well,

637
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:01,920
Speaker 1: I appreciate you for sharing your story. You know, I

638
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 1: was watching something mad long ago, and um, it was

639
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:07,839
Speaker 1: with this woman. She was on an open win free

640
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:09,239
Speaker 1: show and she was saying how she get for a

641
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:12,399
Speaker 1: child for adoption when she was fourteen and now she's

642
00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:14,759
Speaker 1: like pushing for you something at the time, and I

643
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 1: always wanted to like how that feeling must how it

644
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:21,839
Speaker 1: must feel to give your child up because you went

645
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:25,759
Speaker 1: through a vaginal birth, so like for you to carry

646
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,960
Speaker 1: your child for nine months and then you give it

647
00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:32,160
Speaker 1: for adoption. I had to be and I always wondering,

648
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:34,840
Speaker 1: wouldn't have been worse if I was older and I

649
00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:38,880
Speaker 1: knew how to maturely handle those feelings? What with the

650
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:42,400
Speaker 1: attachment would have been worse. I almost felt like it

651
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 1: tool Like I said, it took me a long time

652
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:46,960
Speaker 1: and even cry about it. That's how disconnected I was.

653
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:49,800
Speaker 1: I like pushed to the back of my mind so

654
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:53,479
Speaker 1: far that I didn't I didn't feel for a long time,

655
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 1: like until I go I was actually an adult, and

656
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:59,200
Speaker 1: then I started it actually realized the magnitude of what

657
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:02,480
Speaker 1: took place, and it felt like another day to me.

658
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:05,919
Speaker 1: That was That's what's how crazy it was. How how

659
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 1: you know a person can really compartmentalize trauma to that magnitude.

660
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:17,719
Speaker 1: M hmm. What the questions? Do you feel guilty when

661
00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:21,880
Speaker 1: you do share your story? And when you when you

662
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,000
Speaker 1: tell people your story and then you meet women or

663
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:34,000
Speaker 1: you see mm hmm. I know of like I have

664
00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:36,840
Speaker 1: a friend that I was telling this story too, and

665
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:40,080
Speaker 1: then she like was telling me why she's like pro life,

666
00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:44,120
Speaker 1: you know, as far as um as far as not

667
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,759
Speaker 1: you know, aborting your babies and things like that, after

668
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:49,239
Speaker 1: telling her my stories, because she was saying that there

669
00:37:49,239 --> 00:37:51,760
Speaker 1: are people that can't have baby. So in that regard,

670
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:55,320
Speaker 1: I deeply, I deeply feel for that, you know what

671
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:58,040
Speaker 1: I'm saying, and I feel like I advocate for action

672
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:01,360
Speaker 1: for those that for those that could be a blessing

673
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 1: for those that can't. But I could still only imagine

674
00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:07,759
Speaker 1: not being able to have your own you know, all right,

675
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:11,120
Speaker 1: I don't know like I do. There is a level

676
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 1: of guilt there too, especially the way that I seemingly

677
00:38:15,239 --> 00:38:17,560
Speaker 1: speak about it. So AFF was mostly you know what

678
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:21,359
Speaker 1: I'm saying, so I could see how how Yeah, there

679
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:24,040
Speaker 1: is a little guilt there sometimes. I feel like, especially

680
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:26,480
Speaker 1: if I know my audience, is that if that's what

681
00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:36,239
Speaker 1: I'm speaking to, I'd be real selective. All right, Well,

682
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:38,880
Speaker 1: I appreciate you. Thank you so much for being a

683
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:43,840
Speaker 1: part and sharing your story. UM if anyone have any comments, questions,

684
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:47,120
Speaker 1: for concerns, please make sure to email me and hello

685
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:51,080
Speaker 1: at the PhD podcast dot com and thank you and

686
00:38:51,239 --> 00:38:53,879
Speaker 1: until next time, everyone already Later