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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host and if you are wondering what

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Speaker 1: couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast that comes out every single Wednesday,

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that you guys, the listeners, send

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Speaker 1: to me at Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: Each week, I try to answer at least one question

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Speaker 1: and they are always anonymous, so you don't have to

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Speaker 1: worry about anybody finding out who you are unless you

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Speaker 1: give me too much information. So just be mindful of

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Speaker 1: what you say when you send me in the email,

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Speaker 1: and if there's anything you don't want me to share,

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Speaker 1: just make a little note of that. Quick reminder before

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Speaker 1: we get into today's question that although I am a therapist,

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Speaker 1: test this podcast is called UNI therapy. This podcast does

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Speaker 1: not serve as a replacement or a substitute for any

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Speaker 1: actual mental health services. Now today we are doing the

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Speaker 1: normal format. I'm just going to answer one question and

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Speaker 1: it's a pretty good question that I actually related to,

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Speaker 1: so let's get into it. Here is the email, Hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: I wanted to get your input on something. I have

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Speaker 1: been at my current job for almost three years now.

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Speaker 1: There has been a lot of turnover and employees this

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Speaker 1: past year for various reasons. I play a pretty big

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Speaker 1: role at the company, and as more people leave, those

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Speaker 1: left at the company have to take on even more.

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Speaker 1: My company is located in a different state than where

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Speaker 1: I grew up in and where my family still lives.

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Speaker 1: My family means everything to me and we are very close.

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Speaker 1: For the past six months, I've really been debating on

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Speaker 1: leaving my job and moving back to my home state,

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Speaker 1: but as more people quit, I feel obligated to stay.

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Speaker 1: Slash feel guilty for putting the company in a bad position.

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Speaker 1: I know I shouldn't be concerned about what people think

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Speaker 1: about me, and I should ultimately do whatever is in

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Speaker 1: my best interest, but it doesn't make this any easier.

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Speaker 1: Do you have any advice or input on how to

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Speaker 1: step into this decision confidently? Okay, Now, the first thing

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Speaker 1: I would like to say to this listener is you

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Speaker 1: have to stop what we call in the therapy world.

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Speaker 1: You have to stop shoulding on yourself. When we use

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Speaker 1: the word should, we often are covering ourselves in a

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Speaker 1: lot of unnecessary guilt and a lot of shame that

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Speaker 1: we really don't need to step into. Rather than saying

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Speaker 1: I should do this or I should do that, I

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Speaker 1: should feel this, I should feel that, which is not

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Speaker 1: natural because you don't feel it and you didn't do it.

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Speaker 1: If this is something in the past, let's recognize what

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Speaker 1: you do care about and use that to make this

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Speaker 1: decision and go from there. So that's the first part.

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Speaker 1: Watch out, anybody who's listening. Make sure you do not

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Speaker 1: spend a lot of your time in decision making mode

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Speaker 1: shooting on yourself now. Secondly, I don't know if I've

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Speaker 1: ever shared this story on the podcast before. I feel

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Speaker 1: like I probably did at some point, but I actually

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Speaker 1: have a somewhat similar experience in how I felt quitting

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Speaker 1: my job in twenty sixteen. At the time, I was

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Speaker 1: really burnt out and I was stressed all of the time,

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Speaker 1: and people were quitting left and right as well. The

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Speaker 1: company I was working at was going through a lot

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Speaker 1: of changes and they're pretty difficult to swallow. And while

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Speaker 1: most of us love the work we are doing, it

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Speaker 1: was causing a lot of, like I said, necessary strain

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Speaker 1: and stress and creating a lot of burnout. So I

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Speaker 1: wanted to also give myself a chance to work closer

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Speaker 1: to where I lived. My job was an hour away,

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Speaker 1: so I had an hour commute there and back every

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Speaker 1: single day. And I actually got a job at a

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Speaker 1: local private practice. So I had also been at my

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Speaker 1: job for three years and they had done so much

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Speaker 1: for me. Everything I knew was a therapist I learned

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Speaker 1: from this place. They really treated me. The people that

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Speaker 1: I worked for, not so much the big guys upstairs,

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Speaker 1: but they treated me really well and I felt very

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Speaker 1: safe in that place. And like I said, they just

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Speaker 1: they did a lot for me, and I felt like

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Speaker 1: I owed them something for you know, teaching me how

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Speaker 1: to be a therapist. So I ended up quitting. I

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Speaker 1: did do it, but I felt so bad like I

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Speaker 1: had done something wrong by leaving a job that was actually,

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Speaker 1: at that point quite literally making me not want to

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Speaker 1: be a therapist anymore. But anyway, when I told my

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Speaker 1: boss how bad I was feeling, when I was telling

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Speaker 1: her that I was leaving and apologizing probably way too much,

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Speaker 1: she actually said something to me that was really, really,

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Speaker 1: really impactful. And as I was telling her how bad

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Speaker 1: I felt for making her job harder, I already knew

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Speaker 1: that she was under some stress. She said to me, Catherine,

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Speaker 1: this is my job. This is part of my job

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Speaker 1: is to run this part of the company. It's my

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Speaker 1: job to hire people. It's my job to train people.

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Speaker 1: It's my job to supervise them and make sure things

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Speaker 1: here are running smoothly. That's not your job, and that's

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Speaker 1: not what we hired you for. And you did the

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Speaker 1: job we hired you for. And yeah, we trained you

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Speaker 1: because if we wanted you to be the best you

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Speaker 1: could be while you were here working for us, So

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Speaker 1: you don't owe us anything for that. You did what

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Speaker 1: we asked you to do, and you did it really well.

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Speaker 1: And I have taken the responsibility of being the one

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Speaker 1: that has to clean up the kind of messes that

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Speaker 1: happen when people leave, and leaving a natural part of

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Speaker 1: any business. People calm people go, I mean for the

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Speaker 1: most part. So that was really helpful for me. And

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Speaker 1: maybe not everybody's going to feel this way. Not everybody's

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Speaker 1: boss is the same. Circumstances definitely play a role here,

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Speaker 1: because there are ways that you can leave and use

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Speaker 1: and not treat people well in this kind of space.

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Speaker 1: And I think it would be really, really fair to

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Speaker 1: you to leave some space for your boss to also

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Speaker 1: understand your experience and leave some space for your boss

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Speaker 1: to also recognize that this is what they signed up for,

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Speaker 1: not what you signed up for. The permission that I

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Speaker 1: felt to take care of myself after I had that

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Speaker 1: conversation with my former boss was so huge. And your

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Speaker 1: boss signed up for having to maintain employees, turnover, etc.

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Speaker 1: All the things that come with owning a business. That

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Speaker 1: is the responsibility that they take on when they start

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Speaker 1: a small business. Same with me. If someone quits three

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Speaker 1: quarter therapy, it's not up to them to take care

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Speaker 1: of me and what that means when they leave. That's

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Speaker 1: part of my job. I took that on. I agreed

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Speaker 1: to do that when I decided to start this. And

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Speaker 1: it's one thing to take a job knowing you're going

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Speaker 1: to use them for training, then quit as soon as possible,

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Speaker 1: and then create a copycat business. I mean, I don't

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Speaker 1: know that that would be the kindest thing to do.

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Speaker 1: But what I hear you saying is that you took

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Speaker 1: a job, and you learned a lot in three years,

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Speaker 1: and your boss helped build you up, probably because they

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Speaker 1: care about you, and also probably because the better you are,

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Speaker 1: the better they are as a business. And I do

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Speaker 1: not think it's necessary for you or anyone else to

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Speaker 1: indebt themselves to a company because you don't want to

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Speaker 1: mess with someone else's dream, because then who's taking care

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Speaker 1: of the dream you want for your life. You're not

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Speaker 1: leaving a job after getting paid and not doing what

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Speaker 1: you were asked to do. You've done the work that

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Speaker 1: you were paid for, and it's totally fair for you

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Speaker 1: want for you to want to do something different now.

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Speaker 1: I find it really kind that you care about what

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Speaker 1: it would mean for others when and if you leave.

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Speaker 1: But you can care and be kind and leave and

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Speaker 1: do something different. At the same time, when I left

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Speaker 1: my job back in twenty sixteen, I had the ability

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Speaker 1: to stay part time for a couple months and help

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Speaker 1: train my replacement, and it actually helped me get into

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Speaker 1: what I was doing and build up my practice. Before

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Speaker 1: I just like was making no money, so it was

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Speaker 1: kind of like a win win situation. So if that's

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Speaker 1: something you want to do, you can offer that. Like

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Speaker 1: I said, I don't know if your boss is going

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Speaker 1: to be as kind and understanding as mine was. We

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Speaker 1: might be able to leave some space for that to

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Speaker 1: be a possible thing, and whether or not they are,

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Speaker 1: you are still allowed to offer a really smooth transition

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Speaker 1: if that's possible for you. You don't have to quit and

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Speaker 1: then gone the next day. You can work something out

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Speaker 1: that would benefit both of you, and that can be

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Speaker 1: something that you do as a thank you right now.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to do that. That would be something

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Speaker 1: you could say, like, you've treated me really kind and

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Speaker 1: you've done so much for me, and I want to

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Speaker 1: do something for you in return. So in my transition,

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Speaker 1: I would like to help train my replacement, or I

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Speaker 1: would like to stay part time for XYZ, or you know,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what your circumstances are, but work something

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Speaker 1: out that you feel really good about that can be

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Speaker 1: somewhat of a gift to your boss. If you have

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Speaker 1: flexibility and when you want to leave and do something different,

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Speaker 1: you can also start having conversations about, hey, I would

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Speaker 1: like to transition. I want to make this a smooth

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Speaker 1: transition in that way, I have some flexibility, So let's

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Speaker 1: talk about what kind of moving forward without me would

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Speaker 1: look like in three months, in six months, et cetera.

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Speaker 1: And you can set yourself up well knowing that your

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Speaker 1: boss can also, I mean, they can just fire you whenever.

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Speaker 1: So you want to make sure that you guys would

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Speaker 1: have a safe agreement on what that would look like

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Speaker 1: and what you can expect, because you don't want to

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Speaker 1: be kind of backstabbed in that situation. And this is

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Speaker 1: hard because we're talking about feelings and we're also talking

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Speaker 1: about business, and people like to separate those. Oftentimes they

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Speaker 1: are unable to be separated, especially when we create relationships

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Speaker 1: and our jobs. I feel like in the olden days,

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Speaker 1: but I feel like in the past, a job was

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Speaker 1: a job. You go in, you work, you punch your card,

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Speaker 1: you leave, and there aren't a lot of emotions and

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Speaker 1: feelings in it for the most part, and you're told

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Speaker 1: to separate that. But as we've moved forward and our

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Speaker 1: culture has changed and the way that jobs work have changed,

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Speaker 1: I mean, there's it is so different when I think

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Speaker 1: about now with work and how I thought of it

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Speaker 1: growing up. Like growing up, I was like, oh, I

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Speaker 1: can be a doctor, a teacher, this, and that, these

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Speaker 1: very very structured, great jobs, but also ones that you

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Speaker 1: would think about when you know, going to career day

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Speaker 1: when you were in first grade, I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be a nurse because my mom was

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Speaker 1: a nurse. So I'm going to be a teacher because

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Speaker 1: I know that that's a job. But there are so

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Speaker 1: many different kinds of careers now that we get to create,

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Speaker 1: and a lot of those come with different kinds of relationships,

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Speaker 1: and there is emotion in it. And I know, for

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Speaker 1: me at Three Chords, the people that work for me

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Speaker 1: are my friends, and I care about them and I

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Speaker 1: want the best for them, and obviously I want my

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Speaker 1: business to flourish, but I also want their lives to flourish.

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Speaker 1: And so there's this weird sense that I can imagine

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Speaker 1: you are experiencing where it's like, this is not just

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Speaker 1: my boss. This is a person who I've created a

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Speaker 1: relationship with and I want that relationship to be somewhat maintained.

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Speaker 1: And I'm also thinking about how to integrate my own

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Speaker 1: desires and feelings and what I want for my life

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Speaker 1: into this puzzle. And I would say, and I say

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Speaker 1: this when I hire people, like I only want you

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Speaker 1: to work here if you want to work here, And

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Speaker 1: if you're working here because I want you to work here,

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Speaker 1: that's not really gonna work. Because I would like to

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Speaker 1: care about the people that work for me, and if

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Speaker 1: they are killing their dream to support mine, if I

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Speaker 1: knew that was happening, I wouldn't want it. I would

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Speaker 1: want to help support them in any way that I

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Speaker 1: could that felt fair and safe. So one, stop shooting

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Speaker 1: on yourself to create some space for there to be

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Speaker 1: a possibility that your boss could be really understanding of this.

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Speaker 1: And three, is there a way to have a conversation

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Speaker 1: where you guys can work out something together that feels

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Speaker 1: really good and safe and kind and benefits the both

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Speaker 1: of you And it might not. Somebody might be getting

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Speaker 1: a better deal, right like you're leaving, but you're not

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Speaker 1: just going to leave this person that it sounds like

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Speaker 1: has been very helpful for you in the dust. Right.

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Speaker 1: That sounds like that wouldn't feel good in congruent with

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Speaker 1: your character. So I hope this helps. This kind of

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Speaker 1: stuff is tough, as is a lot of the stuff

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Speaker 1: that you guys write in. I mean, being a human

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Speaker 1: is tough, right, So again, I hope this was helpful.

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Speaker 1: If you guys have any follow ups or any questions

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Speaker 1: for me, or any feedback, you know that you can

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Speaker 1: email me Katherine at you need therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can follow us at You Need Therapy podcast. You

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Speaker 1: can follow me at cat dot defoda and my practice

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Speaker 1: at Three Chords Therapy. And until I talk to you

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Speaker 1: guys on Monday for another new episode, I hope you

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Speaker 1: have the day you need to have. Also side note

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Speaker 1: next Monday, the fourth, December fourth, that's my birthday. And

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Speaker 1: so if you would like to give me an early

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Speaker 1: birthday present, please, if you have not done this, rate

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Speaker 1: review the podcast, leave a little note, maybe your favorite episode,

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Speaker 1: maybe something you really like about this podcast, just something

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Speaker 1: kind or encouraging that might impact another person getting to

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Speaker 1: experience and hear this podcast, because that's how a lot

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Speaker 1: of people find new podcasts that are helpful to them

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Speaker 1: is through reviews. And so if you would like to

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Speaker 1: give me an early birthday present, or you can do

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Speaker 1: it on the fourth, you can do that. I would

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Speaker 1: very much appreciate. I feel like I asked for this

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Speaker 1: every single year for my birthday because it is really

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Speaker 1: important to me and I like to know if what

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Speaker 1: I'm doing is falling on deaf ears or you know,

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Speaker 1: helping somebody out. So again, early happy birthday present review

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Speaker 1: for me, and I hope you guys have the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have. Bye.