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Speaker 1: Swine Down with Janet Kramer and I'mheart Radio Podcast.

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Speaker 2: Well I'm very excited about my little special guest for

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Speaker 2: Adult Education today.

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Speaker 1: Well Hi, yeah, Hi, honey.

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Speaker 2: You know Alan's training Honey muktar right now? Oh MLS,

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Speaker 2: do you know anything about No, no, no, he's like

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Speaker 2: the best, one of the best strikers on the Nashville

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Speaker 2: MLS team that's playoffs. But he's like, hey, I'm sorry

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Speaker 2: I'm missing Adult Education. I'm like, Honey, no worries, I said,

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Speaker 2: because honestly, this guest is for KB.

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Speaker 3: I do feel a little scene already just by reading

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Speaker 3: doctor Tracy's bio.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so doctor Tracy's coming on. She's a clinical psychologist,

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Speaker 2: couple therapists and sought after a relationship expert. But what

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Speaker 2: she really specializes in is you your husband and his mother,

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Speaker 2: create a healthy relationship with your mother in law and

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Speaker 2: your spouse in five simple stuf. And I was like,

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Speaker 2: not saying you have a complicated.

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Speaker 3: No, I don't. I actually have a really sweet relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and.

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Speaker 2: We love an and on this show, there's some questions, right,

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Speaker 2: and so she's got her new book all about in

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Speaker 2: laws and how to walk through that. So without further ado,

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Speaker 2: let's get doctor Tracy.

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Speaker 1: On good morning. Nice to see you, but.

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Speaker 2: Nice to see you both as well. You know, I

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Speaker 2: just find it cool to have a doctor in front

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Speaker 2: of your name. I don't know, does that just make

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Speaker 2: you happy too?

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Speaker 1: It does? And truthfully, I didn't change my last name either,

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Speaker 1: so it's just that kind of yep, this is me,

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Speaker 1: all me.

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Speaker 3: That's right, doctor Tracy. Not all heroes were capes. Some

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Speaker 3: carry a doctorate. And we have a lot of questions

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Speaker 3: about mother in law, so you have to let us

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Speaker 3: know where you'd like to start. But the holidays are

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Speaker 3: fast approaching.

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Speaker 2: Well, I think that's the piece too, right, So let's

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Speaker 2: start with that, because holidays are approaching and I'll never

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Speaker 2: forget one of my ex mother in law can do

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Speaker 2: for a couple episodes actually, but she had said, oh, well,

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Speaker 2: you'll be coming here for Christmas, and I'm like, no,

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Speaker 2: we we won't. Like I Christmas time, I was always

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Speaker 2: traveling all the time, and I remember just that first

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Speaker 2: moment of saying, well, she was just assuming every Christmas

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Speaker 2: will go there, and it's like, no, no, especially when

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Speaker 2: we when we have kids, you know, I I want

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Speaker 2: to create our own memories. At home, and but you

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Speaker 2: are more than welcome to come. But there's this and listen,

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Speaker 2: I very much now being a mother, especially to you know,

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Speaker 2: a boy as well, and I have a feeling, you know.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I don't even know. It's doesn't really matter,

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Speaker 2: I guess now just the kids in general. But I

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Speaker 2: feel like I'm going to have that immediate reaction like, no,

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Speaker 2: you're coming home right there, right, thank you will.

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Speaker 1: I don't think you will. I think that we, as

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Speaker 1: this generation will show up differently because that ex mother

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Speaker 1: in law was doing to you, which she endured. So

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Speaker 1: how many years ago she received that message from her

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Speaker 1: mother in law saying you'll be here. And that's where

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Speaker 1: this tension shows up in generations because we today are

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Speaker 1: so different compared to thirty, forty, fifty years ago. And

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Speaker 1: so then we had this older generation that comes in

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Speaker 1: and asks you and I hear this all the time.

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Speaker 1: The baby boomers will say to me, yeah, we packed

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Speaker 1: up the kids. We've got the newborn and the toddler

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Speaker 1: and the dog and the gifts. And here in Ontario,

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Speaker 1: you're driving five hours in the snow on Christmas Day,

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Speaker 1: but you have to be there for Christmas Day dinner

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Speaker 1: and it's just what you did. And I'm using quotations

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Speaker 1: for listeners, sure, because that's the generation. And that's how

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Speaker 1: different we are today because we are saying, no, that

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Speaker 1: doesn't work for us, No, we want to make our

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Speaker 1: own memories. I totally hear you, and I actually agree

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Speaker 1: with you. My only thing, though, is in my brain

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Speaker 1: I go, well, then I'm going to be the reverse

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Speaker 1: opposite nightmare, because I'm going to be like, well, I'm

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Speaker 1: coming to you then my dog, and I guess like

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Speaker 1: I just couldn't imagine a world where I don't spend

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Speaker 1: the holidays with my kids. And for many of us,

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Speaker 1: what comes out of that is renegotiating. And that's something

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Speaker 1: that I think people are missing, is that your bond

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Speaker 1: with your children when they get older will not hinge

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Speaker 1: on just one day, a few hours. You'll have all

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Speaker 1: these moments throughout the year that create this healthy connection.

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Speaker 1: Because when families feel tension and disconnected, they do this

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Speaker 1: almost anxious pursuit.

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Speaker 2: Well, I was just gonna say, this is my own

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Speaker 2: trauma because I had a divorced family growing up, and

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Speaker 2: so I was always having to go to this house

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Speaker 2: and to this house, and it was so stressful, and

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Speaker 2: I always just wanted one house at Christmas time and

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Speaker 2: just being with the family at a family unit, like

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Speaker 2: family unit to me is so important. So as I

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Speaker 2: said that, I'm like, girl, that's just my own trauma

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Speaker 2: talking because I just want to be with my family

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Speaker 2: and my kids and that's what makes me happy. But

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna have to have years to work on though.

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Speaker 3: Just a couple.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, there's something really incredible that I think we're doing

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Speaker 1: differently today too. And I'll give the example of my son.

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Speaker 1: So I have a son and a daughter. I know

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Speaker 1: one day I'm going to be welcoming in different people

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Speaker 1: to my family. Recently, he's ten and ten is so cool.

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Speaker 1: I mean there's this like push pull of one day

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Speaker 1: he's coming in for the biggest, deepest hugs and I

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Speaker 1: just want to hold tight. He's my first, and then

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Speaker 1: other days it's pushing me away.

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Speaker 3: Sake. Mom.

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Speaker 1: We don't say that, so it comes.

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Speaker 2: It almost ten year old, so we get it.

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Speaker 1: So he we had this plan to watch a movie

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Speaker 1: together and then he comes to me and says, my

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Speaker 1: buddy's at the park. I want to go play with him,

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Speaker 1: And I said, hey, absolutely, I get it, I know

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Speaker 1: how much you love playing with your friends. And he

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Speaker 1: goes out and I say, let's make sure we plan

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Speaker 1: our date for another day, and we do. But right there,

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Speaker 1: it's that modeling. You come to me and tell me

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Speaker 1: what you want and need, and I accept you as

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Speaker 1: doing this. You know, we do the therapy speak of

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Speaker 1: you're tapping into your own autonomy separation, which is healthy,

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Speaker 1: your individuation. That is so good. And now that he's

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Speaker 1: done it at this age, he'll be able to do

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Speaker 1: it at twenty twenty seven, thirty, whatever when if a

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Speaker 1: baby arrives. But for many men that I work with today,

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Speaker 1: they don't know how to do that with their mothers.

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Speaker 3: It's interesting because biblically, there's a leave cleave weave like

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Speaker 3: story in the Bible, right And I also have an

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Speaker 3: ex mother in law Welcome to our couch, doctor, Tracy,

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Speaker 3: and there was not any leaving in that situation. Very

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Speaker 3: a very dominant personality. And it was interesting because even

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Speaker 3: projecting into the future, things that we would argue about,

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Speaker 3: like she would start and argue with me about breastfeeding.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, we're not even like what is happening? You know?

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Speaker 3: But I have noticed in My current husband and I

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Speaker 3: have been together for ten years, and so his parents

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Speaker 3: are not new to me obviously, and really sweet, wonderful people.

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Speaker 3: They just really enjoy being hosted. So when they come there,

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Speaker 3: I'm doing breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I've always had

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Speaker 3: little babies, and when we met and we had babies

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Speaker 3: right away, so we've always had little kids. And Jana

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Speaker 3: and I are pretty copy paste our kids' ages. So

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Speaker 3: we have almost ten seven yeah, seven and almost well

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Speaker 3: two and two and a half. Yeah, So you know,

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Speaker 3: like that just is you're already a baby on a hip,

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Speaker 3: and you already don't know when you're shampooed last. And

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Speaker 3: we've got traveling husbands and schedules and businesses and all

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Speaker 3: the things. So when his parents come, this is the

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Speaker 3: part that I was most excited to talk to you

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Speaker 3: about because I know that you're really an expert with boundaries,

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Speaker 3: and that is a love language of both Channa and I.

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Speaker 3: I'm a I'm captain of the boundary team, but sometimes

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Speaker 3: I wonder if it's too much. I know, and this

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Speaker 3: little self reflection my forty third year of life, I

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Speaker 3: just start to feel like I've boundaried up. So hard

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Speaker 3: that when you say things like you know, well they

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Speaker 3: would want to know you and Jana are saying like

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Speaker 3: I would want to be with my kids on Christmas.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, like, I don't think of it that way.

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Speaker 3: Of course they want to see him, but I don't

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Speaker 3: want to take care of everyone, doctor Tracy, and it

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Speaker 3: takes away from the holiday magic I want to have

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Speaker 3: in the traditions i'd like to have with my own kids.

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Speaker 3: Because I'm there's a little resentment. I know that's an

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Speaker 3: ugly word, but it's an honest one when it's the

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Speaker 3: real one. Yeah, when I'm doing it all.

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Speaker 1: And you know, here's the thing that I talk about

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Speaker 1: in my book. So first you want to know what

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Speaker 1: type of mother in law you have, and that will

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Speaker 1: really help you know how you're going to communicate with

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Speaker 1: this person. Not to diagnose them. We're not turning to

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Speaker 1: our husbands and saying I'm diagnosing your mother. That's not

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Speaker 1: gonna work.

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Speaker 2: What are the different types of mother in laws?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Absolutely so I categorize them in three different ways.

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Speaker 1: So one is the internalizers externalizers, and then there's the

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Speaker 1: more balanced group. So internalizers are martyr the martyr type

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Speaker 1: and the victim type, the externalizers, blamer and controller type,

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Speaker 1: and then we have this other group they kind of

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Speaker 1: do both. Piece one is the distancer, that's the mother

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Speaker 1: in law who lives twenty minutes down the street and

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Speaker 1: is never involved with the kids and you want her

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Speaker 1: to come over more. And then we have the supporter.

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Speaker 1: And that's where my clients have said to me throughout

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Speaker 1: the years, I won the jackpot with my mother in law.

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Speaker 1: We're a good connected family. But for a lot of

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Speaker 1: daughters in law, part of this struggle is we vacillate

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Speaker 1: almost from being this good girl daughter in law passing

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Speaker 1: through the more collaborative space that we want to be,

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Speaker 1: which is healthy boundaries, flexibility coming from a place of

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Speaker 1: our values and not from guild. And then sometimes we

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Speaker 1: go into the more manager daughter in law. And that's

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Speaker 1: sometimes where people will say, ooh am, I too boundaried

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Speaker 1: up and also too appreciating that if we've been people

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Speaker 1: plasers in our life, if we were caregivers, if we

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Speaker 1: played these roles early on, it's going to feel really

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable to express those boundaries. So you're probably not going

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Speaker 1: out to rigidity and control. You're probably desiring something that's

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Speaker 1: very real, and then the how you go and communicate

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Speaker 1: it is the most important thing, which is always that

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Speaker 1: giving family reassurance because that's what they need to hear.

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Speaker 1: Our in laws, our own parents. They just want to

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Speaker 1: know that they still matter to us and they have

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Speaker 1: a role, even if we're saying we don't want to

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Speaker 1: do the holidays with you this year. But the other

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Speaker 1: piece here is the boundary is always about what you

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Speaker 1: are willing or not willing to do. And I think

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Speaker 1: this is where a lot of women get tripped up

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Speaker 1: with setting boundaries as we talk about them. If your

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Speaker 1: mother just wouldn't criticize my parenting, or if your mother

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Speaker 1: wouldn't show up with all of the pasta dishes filling

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Speaker 1: my fridge, that's about her. But instead, what are we

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Speaker 1: going to do in those moments? How do we express

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Speaker 1: what we want and need?

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Speaker 3: I have a really lovely mother in law. She's a creature,

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Speaker 3: she's fascinating, she's fun. She's just no help. Like we've

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Speaker 3: I've said that on this podcast a few different times.

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Speaker 3: But like you know, there's a difference between help and company. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: and most often in postpartum in holidays, I'm not looking

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Speaker 3: for the company and I know that sounds really ugly.

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Speaker 1: No, it's the truth. You're in the trenches. Yes, you

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Speaker 1: need help. And sometimes when I think about that mother

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Speaker 1: in law, I sometimes think they need to be called in,

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Speaker 1: they need direction. I don't know if that's something that

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Speaker 1: you feel comfortable to accurate.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, No, that's a really good piece because I remember

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Speaker 2: even my mom at a certain time, she's like, I

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Speaker 2: don't know what you need? And I'm like, in my mind,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, how do you not know what I need?

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Speaker 2: Don't you see I need help with this or that?

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Speaker 2: But it's like once I was able to go, hey, Mom,

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Speaker 2: can you help me with She's just like absolutely, you know.

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Speaker 2: So it's but it was hard for me to ask

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Speaker 2: because I just as a mom, I'm like, how do

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Speaker 2: you not know that?

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Speaker 1: That's what I would need help with?

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Speaker 2: You know?

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Speaker 1: Which is interesting because it does speak to that dynamic

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Speaker 1: where we have to vocalize and get comfortable sharing our

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Speaker 1: needs and we can. Most often people will say I

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Speaker 1: feel more comfortable doing that with my own mother than

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Speaker 1: with his mother, because that's this whole new role that

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Speaker 1: you're entering in. There's also a power dynamic. You want

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Speaker 1: this other mother that you are not first an insider.

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Speaker 1: You want her to like you and to bring her in.

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Speaker 1: So then when you're transitioning into having kids, you're no

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Speaker 1: longer in the dating stage. But now you're with kids,

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Speaker 1: you have to be squeaky almost and that does again

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Speaker 1: it's almost this idea of can you set expectations before

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Speaker 1: the holidays? Hey, it's crazy this year. You know, two

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Speaker 1: and a half year old on my hip, that's a lot.

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Speaker 1: Could you bring this dish and that dish and be

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Speaker 1: part of that responsibility for it and just get really

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Speaker 1: clear with her.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I would have a tough now that I think

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Speaker 2: about that, being like a mother in law, I'd have

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Speaker 2: a tough time asking. Especially it's so hard for me

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Speaker 2: because my mother in law doesn't even live in the

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Speaker 2: same country, and it's so sad because I miss I

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Speaker 2: miss her. I wish we had more time together. So

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Speaker 2: I love it when they come because I get to

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Speaker 2: host them and that makes me happy because they don't

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Speaker 2: come often. So that's difficult with her being so far away.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, in your situation, I I don't know, like

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Speaker 2: I feel like I could ask my ex mother in

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Speaker 2: law things once we got into.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, she's lovely and we communicate really well, like we

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Speaker 3: kind of you know, we've talked about hopes and dreams.

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Speaker 3: She's great. I just I am on a mission this

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Speaker 3: holiday season to have a different heart posture for all

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Speaker 3: of this, because I don't like how I feel like

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Speaker 3: I've booked for them to come. They actually stay in

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Speaker 3: a Airbnb now, which has been really helpful to our

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Speaker 3: relationship because we love you know, quiet nights and slow mornings,

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Speaker 3: and that gets we don't feel like we're missing out

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Speaker 3: on me a little scarcity mindset with time with our data. Anyways,

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Speaker 3: So can.

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Speaker 1: I ask a question about that? How did that come

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Speaker 1: about in your relationship to ask them to stay at

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Speaker 1: an airbn? Because I know that is something I talk

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Speaker 1: about with a lot of clients and they struggle to

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Speaker 1: do that well.

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Speaker 3: In our case, I kind of just made a case

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Speaker 3: for how we don't have enough like good beds. They're

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Speaker 3: older now, they're in their seventies, mid seventies, and so

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Speaker 3: I say they deserve like a solid bed and a

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Speaker 3: great shower and a little quiet time in slow mornings

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Speaker 3: because they don't get up with the birds anymore, and

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Speaker 3: we do, you know, And also we have like a

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Speaker 3: crib and we have a lofted bed, and we have

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Speaker 3: a bed that's made for fifty pound kids and it's

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Speaker 3: not supportive and they deserve good beds. I mean, I'm

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Speaker 3: forty three and I feel that way about myself. Even

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Speaker 3: so it was an I think there is a little

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Speaker 3: bit of hurt feelings there has been, because they will say, well,

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Speaker 3: I can sleep on a couch and I said, well,

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Speaker 3: you could do that, but I wouldn't do that for

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Speaker 3: you because I care enough about you. So I just

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Speaker 3: try to keep framing it out of love best I can.

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Speaker 1: I love that you're doing that, and I love also

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Speaker 1: too that you've wavered through that initial hurt response. I

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Speaker 1: think that's where a lot of us struggle with boundaries,

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Speaker 1: is the discomfort that comes from seeing their hurt, pain, sadness,

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Speaker 1: or even guilt sometimes. And then when it comes to boundaries,

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Speaker 1: then we backtrack, Oh okay, sure you can stay the

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Speaker 1: extra day. Oh yeah, you're right, why don't you stay

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Speaker 1: in that bed? And that's where resentment is a breeding ground,

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Speaker 1: like it's going to bruin that, and then at the

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Speaker 1: same time, it's the okay, now, how do you get

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Speaker 1: more of what you need?

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Speaker 2: This holiday. So you have a three step holiday survival plan.

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Speaker 2: Can you tell us that is that in your book

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Speaker 2: or is this in okay?

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Speaker 3: Is it passive aggressive if I leave your book on

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Speaker 3: the coffee table.

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Speaker 1: Hey, guys, just doing my best. This is a conversation starter.

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Speaker 1: I'm encouraging everyone to put it on their night sand

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Speaker 1: stond table or on the coffee table. And because it

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Speaker 1: is the we all want to stay connected. That's really

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Speaker 1: what this is about for families. So this is step

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Speaker 1: five of my vault methods. So in the book, I

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Speaker 1: walk people through five steps on how to have healthier

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Speaker 1: relationships with your in laws. It doesn't have to be

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Speaker 1: your mother in law. Maybe it's your sister in law.

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Speaker 1: But it's also about getting on the same page with

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Speaker 1: your partner, because a lot of the conversations I hear

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Speaker 1: are where couples don't see eye to eye on setting

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Speaker 1: back boundaries, on making those wishes, or even just understanding

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Speaker 1: the hurt and pain that comes with those criticisms. A

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Speaker 1: lot of women will say, I feel like I have

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Speaker 1: these micro cuts, these paper cuts. It's death by a

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Speaker 1: thousand cuts, and then their partner says, so it's not

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Speaker 1: that bad. This is just mom and it becomes this

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Speaker 1: really invalidating cycle between partners. So to help couples for

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Speaker 1: this holiday season, my three steps really are. The first

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Speaker 1: one is, let's anticipate, you know, what's happening this holiday season,

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Speaker 1: because it happens every year. Is it the politics that's

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Speaker 1: brought up at the table, the comment about your feeding

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Speaker 1: choices or sleeping choices, is it the you know, not

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Speaker 1: helping out, so you know it's gonna happen. Sit down

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Speaker 1: with your partner and identify what is really important to

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Speaker 1: you this year. And I talk about this a lot

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Speaker 1: with couples because we're not a generation that's being guided

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Speaker 1: by morality in terms of like what's right or wrong.

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Speaker 1: The right thing is showing up for every Christmas on

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Speaker 1: this day, But instead couples today are really saying what's

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Speaker 1: important to us, what matters most to us. So then

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Speaker 1: the second piece is that you're going to act. What

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Speaker 1: are you actually going to do when you're with family

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Speaker 1: and for some people depending on and again going through

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Speaker 1: the different types of mothers in law, seeing how your

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Speaker 1: mother in law responds to you, how are you going

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Speaker 1: to respond to that? Are you going to just kind

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Speaker 1: of have the you know, raised eyebrows across the table

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Speaker 1: because you both know she just made that passive aggressive comment. Again,

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Speaker 1: is your partner going to swoop in and take back baby?

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Speaker 1: Because mother in law says no, No, I'm just so

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Speaker 1: happy to hold baby all this time, whatever the situation is.

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Speaker 1: And then the last piece that couples really miss is

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Speaker 1: the adjust And this is where I say to couples,

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Speaker 1: after you've had time with family, come back together, come

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Speaker 1: back and express something that you did really well, because

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Speaker 1: it's not supposed to be perfect. And I think when

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Speaker 1: we ask partners to set boundaries, we hope that it

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Speaker 1: will go a certain way and it doesn't. So I

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Speaker 1: always remind couples come back, recognize that you did something

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Speaker 1: as a team, and then be able to plan for

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Speaker 1: next time. Okay, so you learned more information about mom

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Speaker 1: and dad this time, Now what do we do next time?

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Speaker 2: I love that what happens if the husband, though, isn't

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Speaker 2: on the same page, Like what do you do in

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Speaker 2: that situation?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is the question of how important it is,

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Speaker 1: and it really is part of what I teach in

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Speaker 1: the book and step four around setting boundaries, and I

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Speaker 1: have yet to see any book do this because couples

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Speaker 1: need to be on the same page. So we're talking

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Speaker 1: about the willingness of your partner to set the boundary,

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Speaker 1: the importance, do they understand why this matters, and then

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Speaker 1: the ability. It's one thing to say yes, yes, this

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Speaker 1: boundary is important. I'll say that to mom, and then

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Speaker 1: in front of Mom, all of his old trauma stuff

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Speaker 1: gets activated and he's not able to then say something

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Speaker 1: to Mom. He goes into autopilot mode and shut down,

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Speaker 1: and then we're right back into the same cycle. So

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Speaker 1: this is really about you deciding if my partner can't

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Speaker 1: do this, is it something that I want to do.

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Speaker 1: Is it that important to me that I'm going to

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Speaker 1: do it. Will it rupture us or will it help

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Speaker 1: us move forward? And again I think that's the piece

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Speaker 1: of saying to your partner it matters for me and

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Speaker 1: I need to do this. The piece here that I

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Speaker 1: always say is when it comes to safety in the kids.

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Speaker 1: So Grandma gives a chunk of candy, you look over

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Speaker 1: at your partner and he's deer in the headlights. You're

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Speaker 1: gonna swoop in there and say, oh, we're not having candy.

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Speaker 1: It just is what it is, right, Our buckles aren't

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Speaker 1: buckled up. You're gonna swoop in and do the thing right.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I have one last question here. So we have

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Speaker 3: a situation, and I again like I don't want this

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Speaker 3: to be like in laws and blast.

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Speaker 1: We just have this.

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Speaker 3: There's this dynamic where I feel like my husband is

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Speaker 3: the middle, but he's biologically the oldest, and so there's

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Speaker 3: a little bit of the first born, like saving and

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Speaker 3: taking care of and you know in our family systems,

408
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Speaker 3: we are probably the most well off in our family system,

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Speaker 3: and so there's this kind of assumption we'll handle everything.

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Speaker 3: I mean, we are tucking in bibbs at a restaurant

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Speaker 3: and ordering market price items not even knowing what market

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Speaker 3: price is. And so is there is there something? And

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Speaker 3: again like I'm I might be I might vote myself

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Speaker 3: most excited to read your book because I think this

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Speaker 3: is brilliant and I think it solves so much like

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Speaker 3: our Probably our biggest point of contention is them coming

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Speaker 3: into town. You know, he thinks that they should stay

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Speaker 3: for weeks. I would love them here for just a

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Speaker 3: few nights. That seems cozy, and off you go. There's

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Speaker 3: like a garbage and guest rule or something. Isn't it

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Speaker 3: like three nights or three days or something.

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Speaker 1: I've heard it. It's the chicken I've heard. You know,

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Speaker 1: family is family in your house is like chicken. After

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Speaker 1: three days, they start to expire.

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Speaker 3: That's what it is. So is there a is there

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Speaker 3: something like a tool that you would suggest if you

427
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Speaker 3: do have a family member that is kind of always

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Speaker 3: looking for more. So we're there's some passive comments. Boy,

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Speaker 3: I'd love like that.

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Speaker 1: Boy.

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Speaker 3: You know, it's like it's I have a friend who

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Speaker 3: calls things, calls this dry begging. I don't know if

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Speaker 3: that's like a clinical term or not, but it's not

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Speaker 3: an outward ask, but it's definitely you know, I feel

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Speaker 3: like we have kids home from college, if I'm honest,

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Speaker 3: And that sounds ugly, but it's like they go to

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Speaker 3: the store and they leave with grocery bags.

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Speaker 1: But it's it's the truth though, because I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of parents right now feel really torn between reparenting themselves.

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Speaker 1: We're doing so much work in this generation. Then we're

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Speaker 1: parenting our littles, trying to do things different, and then

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Speaker 1: we're also having to look towards our own parents or

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Speaker 1: in laws, and it feels like we're parenting them as well,

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Speaker 1: and it's exhausting. And I think I think there is

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna speak broad strokes. This is not for everyone,

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00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,520
Speaker 1: but for many of the men I see, they don't

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00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:52,359
Speaker 1: feel that tension that comes up when parents move in

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00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,720
Speaker 1: for six days or two weeks or three weeks. They

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00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,879
Speaker 1: just want more of it, and it's there's this longing

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00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,680
Speaker 1: for that connection. But because they also have and again

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Speaker 1: not everybody, but for many, they have this old coping

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00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:08,520
Speaker 1: mechanism of just shutting down. They don't talk about the

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Speaker 1: hard stuff. They don't see the hard stuff. It's just

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Speaker 1: the we're going about our day, and that's how they

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00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,800
Speaker 1: lived in that family system. And so I think sometimes

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Speaker 1: for couples, the most important piece here is for us

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Speaker 1: to talk about is it really about quality of time

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Speaker 1: or what's the quantity? We want good time together. We

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Speaker 1: don't want family to start to irritate any of us

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Speaker 1: because everybody starts to feel it. We don't want them

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Speaker 1: to become stinky chicken in the fridge.

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Speaker 2: I love that, well, Doctor Tracy, Everyone go get your book.

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Speaker 2: You your husband and his mother, create a healthy relationship

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Speaker 2: with your mother in law and your spouse and five

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Speaker 2: the simple Steps. Thank you so much for coming on

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Speaker 2: and hope your holiday season is amazing, amazing. Thank you

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00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,920
Speaker 2: both for having me here in this conversation. Thanks Carol,

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00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 2: but Bite, it's amazing. Well, you can order the book now.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to order the book on a Mission'm gonna

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Speaker 3: try to be more joyful and enjoy company. Chase Joy,

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Speaker 3: my friend, Chase joy this holiday season and make sure

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00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,360
Speaker 3: you have your best friend on speed down and see

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Speaker 3: you next week. Bye by