WEBVTT - Whine About It: Scheduling Sex 0:00:01.960 --> 0:00:05.399 Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast. 0:00:07.000 --> 0:00:09.879 This week's Whine About It Thursday Therapy, We've got Rebecca 0:00:09.960 --> 0:00:12.480 Alvarez coming on. She is one of the most influential 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:15.440 intimacy experts with a gift of predicting trends in the 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:20.520 intimacy category. She's a boss Babe CEO. She also has 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:25.000 a company that she created called Bloomy, which has massage 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:27.760 oils and vibrators. So let's get her on and talk 0:00:28.280 --> 0:00:29.400 all things in the bed. 0:00:30.320 --> 0:00:34.479 Hello, hey girl, Oh my gosh, so nice to meet you. 0:00:35.360 --> 0:00:37.520 Same. I'm Jana. This is Catherine. 0:00:37.600 --> 0:00:37.760 Hi. 0:00:37.880 --> 0:00:38.239 How are you? 0:00:38.920 --> 0:00:41.320 Hi? Good, nice to meet you. So I've heard your 0:00:41.400 --> 0:00:43.960 last podcast that you were at twenty something weeks? Are 0:00:44.000 --> 0:00:46.680 you still twenty something weeks? Yes? 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:49.360 I am in my third trimester. 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:52.839 Now, okay, yes, exciting congress. 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:58.240 Almost think yep, thank you. I'm counting down. It's starting 0:00:58.240 --> 0:00:59.840 to get real for sure. Do you have kids? 0:01:00.680 --> 0:01:02.520 I do have two. I have a four year old 0:01:02.560 --> 0:01:03.840 and a fifteen year old. 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:06.920 Oh, okay, there we go. So how long you've been 0:01:06.920 --> 0:01:07.360 married for? 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:09.360 Seven years? 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:13.560 Seven years? Okay, So for you, how is it kind 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:17.920 of keeping that intimacy alive in your relationship since you 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:19.560 are the intimacy expert. 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:22.480 Oh my gosh, but that's like such a there's so 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:25.600 many parts to it. I was a single mom with 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:29.160 my first daughter, and so that was all about like 0:01:29.480 --> 0:01:32.200 tapping into like what do I want, what do I need? 0:01:32.360 --> 0:01:37.360 Dating so much under the dating world having partners, and 0:01:37.440 --> 0:01:41.440 then when I met my husband, it was like blending 0:01:41.480 --> 0:01:46.200 family and time management and really carving out time to date. 0:01:46.680 --> 0:01:49.920 Now it's more like how do we carve out time 0:01:49.960 --> 0:01:53.400 for us consistently? So we have like we have blocks, 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:57.960 so like Wednesday date night, or we have one weekend 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:02.120 per month where we just get a sitter overnight. We 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:04.280 just if we go on a family vacation, we make 0:02:04.280 --> 0:02:06.920 sure we also block time for us. So it's kind 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:09.280 of on a calendar. It may sound not sexy, but 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:12.000 the thing I love about it is it happens we 0:02:12.480 --> 0:02:15.359 get that time because it's like scheduled right sure. 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:17.919 And I love kind of how you just explain that too, 0:02:17.919 --> 0:02:20.480 because for a long time, intimacy for me, I thought 0:02:20.560 --> 0:02:22.800 was just sex. But intimacy is so much more than 0:02:22.880 --> 0:02:26.120 just having sex with your partner. My fiance and I 0:02:26.360 --> 0:02:29.080 something that we try to do and we haven't. It 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:32.080 hasn't been routine as much, but like something we said, 0:02:32.120 --> 0:02:33.760 like every day we want to go for at least 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:36.239 a twenty minute walk together. So it's something that it's 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:38.880 us together. But I've got to be honest with you, 0:02:38.919 --> 0:02:42.079 we haven't done it like maybe like once every two 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:44.520 weeks because things are so busy or things are going 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:46.720 on or the kids or this, and it's like, oh, shoot, 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:48.560 we forgot our walk today. Well then two weeks later 0:02:48.600 --> 0:02:50.720 we forgot two weeks of walks. I think that's the 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:51.440 hardest piece. 0:02:51.639 --> 0:02:53.800 Yeah, we put stuff on the calendar too. That's the 0:02:53.880 --> 0:02:54.320 only way. 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:54.639 I mean. 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:57.160 It sounds terrible, but like we put walks on calendar. 0:02:57.240 --> 0:02:59.919 Really yeah, literally we'll put it on there. 0:03:00.120 --> 0:03:01.679 Wow, I mean that's I mean. But it's a great 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:04.320 idea though, because it's like if not because we have 0:03:04.400 --> 0:03:07.600 a die by calendar, like, well, if something's not on there, then. 0:03:08.400 --> 0:03:10.639 I mean I used to schedule sex too on the calendar. 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:15.160 So it's totally Actually we have we call it the 0:03:15.240 --> 0:03:17.920 family calendar, but it's just between my husband and I 0:03:18.840 --> 0:03:20.800 and my assistant, which is hilarious. Now that. 0:03:23.480 --> 0:03:25.280 Please don't add that to the calendar any of the 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:27.040 calendars because I can see them all. 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:29.280 But what you have my A and you have my 0:03:29.320 --> 0:03:31.640 Alan and Jana calendar now, but I won't add sex. 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:32.480 I'll just add the walk. 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:34.720 Okay, that's fine. I don't need to know when you're 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:35.720 having sex, but I do. 0:03:35.880 --> 0:03:38.280 I do really like that because it's you don't think 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:41.440 that you'd have to calendar that in. But it just 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:43.400 makes sense, no, because I'm like, well, I calendar my 0:03:43.480 --> 0:03:46.440 workouts in, so that should be something that But I 0:03:46.480 --> 0:03:49.760 feel like it's even harder with your You've got three kids, 0:03:49.840 --> 0:03:52.520 you're I mean, you are always on the go with 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:56.400 like every activity possible. So it's like, how that's I 0:03:56.400 --> 0:03:57.800 feel like that's gonna be hard for you and Nick, 0:03:57.840 --> 0:04:00.680 and especially because they just to like with her story, 0:04:00.720 --> 0:04:04.520 like they she was gonna file for divorce and then not. 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:06.280 So it's like there was a lot of lack of 0:04:06.320 --> 0:04:09.840 intimacy in their marriage and then there was the honeymoon 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:13.040 back together lots of intimacy. So and it's now it's 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:16.120 probably back in the like not how it was right, 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:18.279 trying to find like your new normal. 0:04:18.560 --> 0:04:20.599 Yeah, no, for sure, And it's hard. And I've thought 0:04:20.640 --> 0:04:24.480 about scheduling all the things we're so busy though, like 0:04:24.520 --> 0:04:27.400 you said, it is very hard, but we just have 0:04:27.440 --> 0:04:29.440 to book out, like you know, I mean, that's just 0:04:29.800 --> 0:04:31.479 you know how we have to do it. But yeah, 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:33.960 it's I live and die by a calendar. So I'm like, 0:04:34.000 --> 0:04:36.080 you know, I had a therapist tell us, you know, 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:38.039 I mean, I had a therapist, you know, years ago 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:40.760 when we were going through trouble, say, schedule sex, and 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:42.920 then I had a lot of different opinions about that, 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:47.039 a lot from a lot of people. But I didn't 0:04:47.120 --> 0:04:50.640 love that either. Though I like scheduling like dace and sex, but. 0:04:50.560 --> 0:04:52.240 I don't like that scheduling. And that's I think I 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:54.719 was the unpopular opinion because to me, that makes me 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:57.160 feel like like I have. 0:04:57.080 --> 0:05:00.440 To started giving me anxiety. Yeah, anxiety because I would 0:05:00.440 --> 0:05:02.000 like see it on the calendar and it would like 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:03.880 give me you know. So I think we just kind 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:05.800 of have to find the like happy medium for us. 0:05:05.839 --> 0:05:07.520 But I think for everybody it's great too. 0:05:07.839 --> 0:05:10.520 Yeah, the scheduling sex is a big topic. A lot 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:16.159 of intimacy experts recommend it. Sometimes experts will ask you 0:05:16.200 --> 0:05:19.320 to schedule knowing that there will be some anxiety, knowing 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:21.680 that there will be self discomfort because all of that 0:05:21.720 --> 0:05:24.120 comes out, it comes to surface, you have to talk 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:27.239 about it, You reshift, and it's almost like it pushes 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:30.159 you to create new boundaries. You then say, yeah, the 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:34.279 scheduling on Friday night sex gives me anxiety because you 0:05:34.440 --> 0:05:38.280 learn why, and then you reshift. I prefer, like you said, 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:41.720 I prefer the date nights. I prefer the day dates 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:43.920 or and then you kind of start to find your 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:45.520 middle ground with each of you. 0:05:46.680 --> 0:05:50.240 That's so interesting. I hadn't thought about that. Now I'm 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:52.600 kind of like I feel duped a little bit, like 0:05:52.640 --> 0:05:54.159 you were just trying to get me to talk about 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:55.760 my anxiety about sex. Got it? 0:05:56.279 --> 0:05:56.440 Now? 0:05:56.600 --> 0:05:57.160 That makes sense? 0:05:57.160 --> 0:06:01.520 Though, Why do you think people correlate just well? In 0:06:01.560 --> 0:06:04.680 my brain that sex is just the only form of intimacy. 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:08.799 I think intimacy is a new concept, to be honest. 0:06:09.400 --> 0:06:12.680 It was a word that I started using a lot 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:16.080 when I started my company because I was trying to 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:21.359 broaden sex. I was trying to broaden sex into like 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:25.800 the love category, the connection category. So for me, I 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:30.640 see that that word has become more like all encompassing 0:06:30.839 --> 0:06:33.240 and a little bit safer and easy to use, especially 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:37.560 if you're advertising and running ads or whatever. You don't 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:41.680 you can't use the word sex, right, but intimacy intimate, 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:46.400 Like it encompasses so much. Talking can be intimate. Holding 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:49.600 someone's hand can be intimate. Sex can be intimate. It 0:06:49.600 --> 0:06:52.160 could be not intimate. Like there's just so much about it. 0:06:52.200 --> 0:06:57.120 So it's almost like figuring out what people crave and 0:06:57.160 --> 0:07:00.400 like what intimacy means to them. It is important. It's 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:01.520 kind of like the foundation. 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:17.320 See, I just never really thought of as anything but sex. 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:18.640 Like I remember, I used to be like I want 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:20.120 you to be I want you to be intimate with me, 0:07:20.200 --> 0:07:23.760 and you know, and I just always equaled that as sex. 0:07:23.840 --> 0:07:27.440 But over time, now I see like how impactful just 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:30.000 you know, the moments of you know, my fiancee and 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:32.720 I going for when we do walk or because that's 0:07:33.040 --> 0:07:37.080 we're holding hands, we're connecting, we're breathing in fresh air. Yeah, 0:07:37.120 --> 0:07:40.560 it's like, yeah, it's such a different conversation than just 0:07:40.600 --> 0:07:43.200 sitting in the house over our phones watching TV. 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:48.320 I mean I feel more intimate and more connected with conversation. Yeah, 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:51.000 like by far, Like that feels so much more intimate 0:07:51.040 --> 0:07:52.800 to me, just having like a deep conversation. 0:07:52.920 --> 0:07:54.640 So and you would be surprised that I now feel 0:07:54.640 --> 0:07:57.520 the same. I love that now I love sex. You're like, 0:07:57.560 --> 0:07:59.640 don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong. I love 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:03.440 having my fancy. It's fantastic. Having said that, I just 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:06.000 like it's it's an, it's an and with both of them, 0:08:06.080 --> 0:08:09.400 like both are needed. It just it's not just the 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:12.720 other one was just sex. I didn't care if we 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:16.320 spent every day together, like I liked it, but I 0:08:16.560 --> 0:08:20.280 just I wanted just sex to like fill the intimate void. 0:08:20.360 --> 0:08:22.080 And now I'm like no, And I think maybe Nick 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:24.400 is kind of the same, like maybe he just wanted 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:25.920 the sex too, but like no, it's like, as long 0:08:25.920 --> 0:08:29.240 as you have connection, that's really what's like important. Yeah, 0:08:29.920 --> 0:08:30.920 the answer both. 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:33.000 And both of us. 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:36.880 So, okay, want to shift gears a little bit with 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:42.320 this topic. So obviously I'm pregnant and my daughter I 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:45.360 skirted around the question because she said, but you're not married, 0:08:45.440 --> 0:08:47.760 because she thought that when you got married that's when 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:50.200 a baby just like forms in the belly. I don't 0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:51.719 know how she thought that, because we actually have never 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:57.320 had the conversation. But then the second time it happened 0:08:57.360 --> 0:08:59.360 a couple of weeks ago, we were watching Baby Boss. 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:02.439 You know how that movie is all about babies being 0:09:02.480 --> 0:09:04.360 made in a factory. And she looked at she was 0:09:04.440 --> 0:09:06.880 like she's trying to figure it out. And I could 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:09.439 see her like processing, like what's going on. I'm like, okay, 0:09:09.440 --> 0:09:14.480 here's here, it's coming. So she's like, so waitre do 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:16.920 babies come from a factory? Like how are they made? 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:20.600 Because she's like but because mommy, you're pregnant and that's 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:24.560 not in a factory. And I'm like nope, still not 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:26.320 ready to tell you. And I was like, well, yeah, 0:09:26.360 --> 0:09:29.160 that's just a movie. And you know, yes when you 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:30.720 and I couldn't say when you get married. So I 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:32.280 was really just trying to find my words. And then 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:34.280 I just kind of changed. I was like, God, did 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:37.720 it And you know, it's just it just appeared we 0:09:37.760 --> 0:09:40.679 love each other and love made a baby. And then 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:42.800 I just stopped because I was like, I don't know 0:09:43.000 --> 0:09:46.120 when to say. And I think she's too young right now, 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:50.200 she's gonna be eight. But what is your advice? Since 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:52.120 you've had both, you know, you have a you have 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:53.000 an old and a young. 0:09:54.520 --> 0:09:57.439 You totally got caught in that moment of a child 0:09:57.600 --> 0:10:01.520 asking you a sex related question and parent feels a 0:10:01.520 --> 0:10:05.040 little flustered. But that's normal. That's most of us. That's 0:10:05.120 --> 0:10:07.959 me sometimes too, even with my teenager who purposely tries 0:10:08.000 --> 0:10:12.640 to stump me. I'll just tell you that, Yeah, the 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:16.800 thing about sex education with your kids is when they're little, 0:10:17.200 --> 0:10:21.640 I would say, up until like preteen, you're actually not 0:10:21.679 --> 0:10:25.240 even talking about sex itself. You're talking about healthy relationships, 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:29.360 about body, about hygiene. It's like the things kind of 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:32.760 around intimacy and stuff like that. And I think what 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:36.320 you did was great. The focus for kids is usually 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:39.560 just answering their question and being kind of general about 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:43.280 it and then moving on, but allowing them to have 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:45.440 space to ask you questions and trust that you're going 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:47.920 to give them an answer. So just because it was 0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:51.640 embarrassing for us growing up, because you know, I didn't 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:53.680 talk about these topics with my family, I think that's 0:10:53.720 --> 0:10:56.760 common in a lot of households. It doesn't mean that 0:10:56.800 --> 0:10:58.760 they have to grow up being embarrassed. So we're in 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:02.680 this unique position to really change the script for our kids. 0:11:03.120 --> 0:11:05.080 So the fact that you answered the question I think 0:11:05.160 --> 0:11:08.240 is great. Good step one for little kids, I would 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:11.840 say under ten, really focusing on like healthy relationships. Love. 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:14.760 When people love each other, they can decide to expand 0:11:14.760 --> 0:11:18.120 the family. That's perfect. If they start asking more like 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:21.000 anatomy questions, it's up to you, like where you think 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:25.280 they're at developmentally, and just like answering pretty briefly works 0:11:25.320 --> 0:11:26.040 most of the time. 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:29.640 I heard this thing though, and I don't know if 0:11:29.679 --> 0:11:31.240 I heard it from you or my therapist, but they 0:11:31.240 --> 0:11:36.320 were saying eight is too late about you know, learning 0:11:36.360 --> 0:11:40.000 things because they're on school buses and people just know 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:43.400 things so much younger now, and so my fear is 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:46.200 I wouldn't want her to hear something on the bus 0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:48.320 or she says something and then she's made fun of 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:52.240 by like an older kid that obviously knows that a 0:11:52.240 --> 0:11:54.320 penis and vagina and this and that and then makes 0:11:54.320 --> 0:11:57.760 a baby. So it's like, you'd still recommend going that route. 0:11:57.760 --> 0:11:59.160 And then have you have you heard the eight is 0:11:59.200 --> 0:11:59.760 too late thing? 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:00.080 Oh? 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:02.640 Yeah, no, I've heard it, and I feel again, I 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:04.200 feel like it's different with every kid. I have a 0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:09.840 fourteen year old, eleven and seven, both fourteen and eleven 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:14.079 year olds. We had a form of the conversation at nine, 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:18.320 but there were reasons around it. With the fourteen year old. 0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:20.560 He was a boy. We knew friends of his were 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:23.360 having conversations about things, so we knew we had to 0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:26.240 get ahead of it. The eleven year old was the 0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:29.440 question thing, but it was just one question after another 0:12:29.480 --> 0:12:34.000 after another, and developmentally, I realized she just knows things, 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:36.440 and so I was like, all right, we're going for it. 0:12:36.520 --> 0:12:39.240 But my seven year old, I don't see that happening. 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:41.200 So I just think it's kind of different for everybody. 0:12:41.440 --> 0:12:43.640 But they will hear stuff, trust me. My eleven year 0:12:43.640 --> 0:12:46.560 old told me, Yeah, she told me the other day 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:49.640 that they her and her best friends, they're the only 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:51.880 ones that have already had a conversation out of all 0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:56.320 their friends from their parents. But everybody knows about it. 0:12:56.800 --> 0:12:58.720 All their friends know, but we're the only ones that 0:12:58.720 --> 0:12:59.679 I've talked to him about it. 0:13:01.840 --> 0:13:04.280 My two cents about all of this is I feel 0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:07.320 like every child needs something different, which is why it's 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:10.760 like you can't just like apply lessons one through three 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:13.800 for every kid at this exact age. But they will 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:17.079 hear things, and they'll usually come to you to clarify 0:13:17.280 --> 0:13:19.480 or like to see if it's true. So that's why 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:24.080 if you give them honest responses, they'll know that you 0:13:24.160 --> 0:13:26.960 can be a source. Unfortunately, a lot of kids are 0:13:26.960 --> 0:13:31.240 finding out sex education through porn or through friends, especially 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:34.440 if those friends have older siblings. So you being kind 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:36.760 of like their home base is always going to feel 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:42.600 reassuring to them. And privacy is a concept that comes 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:45.760 in like anatomy is a concept that comes in early. 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:51.040 That's like a three year old conversation. That is like 0:13:51.120 --> 0:13:54.360 a you're learning your body. This is your ear, this 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:57.440 is your nose, this is your vulva, Like just straight 0:13:57.520 --> 0:14:00.400 up that's the body. And concepts of privacy are really 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.800 important to keep kids safe. Right, So no one should 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:06.000 ever do a B and C. No one should ever 0:14:06.600 --> 0:14:10.120 touch your private areas. Only and you list the people 0:14:10.240 --> 0:14:13.360 only me or Grandma can help to dry you or 0:14:13.440 --> 0:14:15.920 change you. They will ask you why you can say 0:14:15.960 --> 0:14:19.240 that's a private area of the body. If anybody ever 0:14:19.400 --> 0:14:21.960 tries to get you to come into a separate room, 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:25.360 that's that's a no go. Like it's kind of scary 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:27.960 to talk about these things, but I feel like privacy 0:14:28.000 --> 0:14:31.720 and safety should definitely be talked about really really early, 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:33.960 like elementary early. I agree with that. 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:36.680 Yeah, this is speaking of the privacy aspect that this 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:39.720 goes like sorry, way off intimacy. But we were at 0:14:39.720 --> 0:14:42.520 my son's baseball game the other day and or was 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:44.920 practice and she's like, mom, I forgot something in the car. 0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:46.640 And I was like, you know, and she's she's she 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:49.520 wants her independence so bad. She keeps asking, mom, can 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:51.760 I please ride my bike on the sub you know, 0:14:51.800 --> 0:14:54.560 by myself? And I'm like, no, honey, not yet. But 0:14:54.560 --> 0:14:56.960 I'm like I'm trying to give her like pieces where 0:14:57.000 --> 0:14:59.640 like she can. I'm like, but I will stand way behind, 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:02.000 like allan, and I will walk really far behind you 0:15:02.600 --> 0:15:06.080 so you can still feel like you're by yourself. Just 0:15:06.120 --> 0:15:07.960 you know, make sure to just do the loop and 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:11.120 we'll we'll we'll walk way behind. But at the baseball game, 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:14.080 she had said that she, you know, for outmoy car. 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:16.320 So I was just like, oh, yeah, here, take my key, 0:15:16.680 --> 0:15:18.760 go get it. But then when she started walking away, 0:15:18.840 --> 0:15:20.440 I was just like, I'm going to lose sight of 0:15:20.440 --> 0:15:21.680 her there, and I'm like, I can't do it. So 0:15:21.720 --> 0:15:23.600 I just I started I started just like booking it 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:25.120 to her. She's like, but Mommy, I want to go 0:15:25.160 --> 0:15:28.160 by myself, and I go, honey, I have to have 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:29.840 eyes on you. I go because when you round that 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:31.840 corner right there, this is a parking lot, and I 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:34.440 just I got sick to my stomach. I go because 0:15:34.480 --> 0:15:37.160 if this is when I was like, baby girl, tell 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:38.640 me what she want to do? Here it what happens 0:15:38.680 --> 0:15:40.120 if a van, If a guy pulls up in a 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:43.160 van with twelve puppies, what would you do? 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:43.640 You know what I mean? 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:45.760 Because in my mind, I'm like, I think you're going 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:48.080 to go in the van with the puppies and that 0:15:48.160 --> 0:15:50.200 man is going to take you and I would never 0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:52.640 see you know. So I just started to like I 0:15:52.680 --> 0:15:55.040 got this like sick gut feeling, and I just I mean, 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:56.200 I was booking. 0:15:55.880 --> 0:15:57.200 It like I was like. 0:15:58.600 --> 0:16:01.280 Yeah, but that's other thing too, because it's like I 0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:03.400 just you have to like I was like, oh, I 0:16:03.480 --> 0:16:05.520 need to have this conversation with your age. 0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:06.480 Have to be early. 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:08.000 Yeah, that's hard. 0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:12.120 I like it. I like I am on the same frequency. 0:16:12.280 --> 0:16:14.360 I think that your intuition is spot on. 0:16:15.840 --> 0:16:17.680 It's just so it's a but but I also like 0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:19.600 want to give her her but I'm like, yeah, she's 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:20.320 still just too young. 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:24.880 Like I just like, yeah, I just think it depends 0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:27.040 and I really do I mean, I'm still having conversations 0:16:27.080 --> 0:16:29.720 with my fourteen year old, like it's coming up now 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:32.040 because they're doing a lot of like youth group stuff 0:16:32.120 --> 0:16:35.400 and a lot of things that's a lot more really independent, 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:37.720 And I'm like, I know we've talked about this, right, 0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:39.000 but you know, not to be in a room by 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:41.160 yourself with an adult, you know, not to you know. 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:43.200 I mean, it's like it's a constant, It's a conversation 0:16:43.280 --> 0:16:44.200 that just keeps going. 0:16:44.600 --> 0:17:02.960 Yeah, okay, switching tears again. You mentioned porn as an 0:17:03.000 --> 0:17:07.040 intimacy expert. Is your what is your thoughts on porn 0:17:07.280 --> 0:17:08.320 in relationships? 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:15.959 So many thoughts, So it depends on the couple or 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.879 the partners and the type of porn, and there's, like 0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:22.320 I want to say, thousands of combinations of this, but overall, 0:17:23.000 --> 0:17:26.800 I feel like porn can be positive in a relationship 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:30.320 if it's serving a healthy purpose. So if, for example, 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:33.199 both of you get turned on if you put it 0:17:33.240 --> 0:17:34.840 on in the background and it helps get you in 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:38.760 the mood, I think that's great. If you are supporting 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:46.160 like ethical porn producers and certain artists that are known 0:17:46.240 --> 0:17:49.399 for like creating really quality content that's very realistic. I 0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:52.040 think that's great. So there's a lot of ways I 0:17:52.080 --> 0:17:56.720 think that you can absorb porn. But if it's problematic 0:17:56.760 --> 0:18:00.199 in the sense that one partner watches porn and other 0:18:00.280 --> 0:18:04.399 partner does not, and it doesn't feel positive, like the 0:18:04.440 --> 0:18:07.680 one that doesn't feels negatively about it, then I feel 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:09.479 like you have to talk about it and address, like 0:18:09.640 --> 0:18:12.560 why what do you specifically like not feeling good about. 0:18:13.000 --> 0:18:16.000 I would say most of the time, ninety percent of 0:18:16.040 --> 0:18:19.120 porn that's on the market is not realistic sex. Though 0:18:19.320 --> 0:18:22.080 that's my main issue with porn, and there are websites 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:26.440 that are doing great things like Afterglow does like really 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:30.919 high quality like realistic porn, Make Love not porn has 0:18:30.960 --> 0:18:35.000 like actual couples that upload their videos. So there are 0:18:35.040 --> 0:18:40.600 ways to engage in watching porn that is realistic, but 0:18:40.640 --> 0:18:43.400 the unrealistic porn or the one that's like very one 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:47.600 sided or traditional in the sense like male dominating woman, 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:51.120 Like if it's a turnof for both people and they 0:18:51.240 --> 0:18:53.240 enjoy watching it, I think there's nothing wrong with it. 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:55.679 But most of the time it's just not realistic sex. 0:18:55.720 --> 0:18:57.600 And I want people to feel like they can be 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:01.160 their true, authentic self and they're enjoying sex with their 0:19:01.200 --> 0:19:05.040 partner and not feeling like they're performative or like holding 0:19:05.080 --> 0:19:07.960 back noises or whatever it is that they're trying to 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:08.920 mimic from porn. 0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:13.600 M I feel like it takes away the intimacy too 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:19.800 personally for me of their relationship and it kind of numbs. Again, 0:19:19.880 --> 0:19:22.280 this is my own personal that it might numb their 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:26.640 relationship if they're going to porn rather than like if 0:19:26.640 --> 0:19:28.639 you're not watching it together and he's just doing it 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:31.040 by himself or whatever, that it might kind of numb 0:19:31.160 --> 0:19:35.000 the then intimacy with the partner. That's how I've always 0:19:35.040 --> 0:19:35.600 kind of viewed it. 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:38.640 But I think a lot of couples that I would 0:19:38.680 --> 0:19:41.240 work with, the issues would come up with one when 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:43.840 one partner really wanted to watch a certain type of 0:19:43.880 --> 0:19:46.560 porn and the other didn't. So you're right, if it's 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:49.160 a tool that helps both of you get in the mood, 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:52.399 it can be great. I've also talked to a lot 0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:54.879