Speaker 1: Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2: This week's Whine About It Thursday Therapy, We've got Rebecca
Speaker 2: Alvarez coming on. She is one of the most influential
Speaker 2: intimacy experts with a gift of predicting trends in the
Speaker 2: intimacy category. She's a boss Babe CEO. She also has
Speaker 2: a company that she created called Bloomy, which has massage
Speaker 2: oils and vibrators. So let's get her on and talk
Speaker 2: all things in the bed.
Speaker 3: Hello, hey girl, Oh my gosh, so nice to meet you.
Speaker 2: Same. I'm Jana. This is Catherine.
Speaker 3: Hi.
Speaker 2: How are you?
Speaker 3: Hi? Good, nice to meet you. So I've heard your
Speaker 3: last podcast that you were at twenty something weeks? Are
Speaker 3: you still twenty something weeks? Yes?
Speaker 2: I am in my third trimester.
Speaker 3: Now, okay, yes, exciting congress.
Speaker 2: Almost think yep, thank you. I'm counting down. It's starting
Speaker 2: to get real for sure. Do you have kids?
Speaker 3: I do have two. I have a four year old
Speaker 3: and a fifteen year old.
Speaker 2: Oh, okay, there we go. So how long you've been
Speaker 2: married for?
Speaker 3: Seven years?
Speaker 2: Seven years? Okay, So for you, how is it kind
Speaker 2: of keeping that intimacy alive in your relationship since you
Speaker 2: are the intimacy expert.
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, but that's like such a there's so
Speaker 3: many parts to it. I was a single mom with
Speaker 3: my first daughter, and so that was all about like
Speaker 3: tapping into like what do I want, what do I need?
Speaker 3: Dating so much under the dating world having partners, and
Speaker 3: then when I met my husband, it was like blending
Speaker 3: family and time management and really carving out time to date.
Speaker 3: Now it's more like how do we carve out time
Speaker 3: for us consistently? So we have like we have blocks,
Speaker 3: so like Wednesday date night, or we have one weekend
Speaker 3: per month where we just get a sitter overnight. We
Speaker 3: just if we go on a family vacation, we make
Speaker 3: sure we also block time for us. So it's kind
Speaker 3: of on a calendar. It may sound not sexy, but
Speaker 3: the thing I love about it is it happens we
Speaker 3: get that time because it's like scheduled right sure.
Speaker 2: And I love kind of how you just explain that too,
Speaker 2: because for a long time, intimacy for me, I thought
Speaker 2: was just sex. But intimacy is so much more than
Speaker 2: just having sex with your partner. My fiance and I
Speaker 2: something that we try to do and we haven't. It
Speaker 2: hasn't been routine as much, but like something we said,
Speaker 2: like every day we want to go for at least
Speaker 2: a twenty minute walk together. So it's something that it's
Speaker 2: us together. But I've got to be honest with you,
Speaker 2: we haven't done it like maybe like once every two
Speaker 2: weeks because things are so busy or things are going
Speaker 2: on or the kids or this, and it's like, oh, shoot,
Speaker 2: we forgot our walk today. Well then two weeks later
Speaker 2: we forgot two weeks of walks. I think that's the
Speaker 2: hardest piece.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we put stuff on the calendar too. That's the
Speaker 1: only way.
Speaker 3: I mean.
Speaker 1: It sounds terrible, but like we put walks on calendar.
Speaker 1: Really yeah, literally we'll put it on there.
Speaker 2: Wow, I mean that's I mean. But it's a great
Speaker 2: idea though, because it's like if not because we have
Speaker 2: a die by calendar, like, well, if something's not on there, then.
Speaker 1: I mean I used to schedule sex too on the calendar.
Speaker 3: So it's totally Actually we have we call it the
Speaker 3: family calendar, but it's just between my husband and I
Speaker 3: and my assistant, which is hilarious. Now that.
Speaker 1: Please don't add that to the calendar any of the
Speaker 1: calendars because I can see them all.
Speaker 2: But what you have my A and you have my
Speaker 2: Alan and Jana calendar now, but I won't add sex.
Speaker 2: I'll just add the walk.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's fine. I don't need to know when you're
Speaker 1: having sex, but I do.
Speaker 2: I do really like that because it's you don't think
Speaker 2: that you'd have to calendar that in. But it just
Speaker 2: makes sense, no, because I'm like, well, I calendar my
Speaker 2: workouts in, so that should be something that But I
Speaker 2: feel like it's even harder with your You've got three kids,
Speaker 2: you're I mean, you are always on the go with
Speaker 2: like every activity possible. So it's like, how that's I
Speaker 2: feel like that's gonna be hard for you and Nick,
Speaker 2: and especially because they just to like with her story,
Speaker 2: like they she was gonna file for divorce and then not.
Speaker 2: So it's like there was a lot of lack of
Speaker 2: intimacy in their marriage and then there was the honeymoon
Speaker 2: back together lots of intimacy. So and it's now it's
Speaker 2: probably back in the like not how it was right,
Speaker 2: trying to find like your new normal.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, for sure, And it's hard. And I've thought
Speaker 1: about scheduling all the things we're so busy though, like
Speaker 1: you said, it is very hard, but we just have
Speaker 1: to book out, like you know, I mean, that's just
Speaker 1: you know how we have to do it. But yeah,
Speaker 1: it's I live and die by a calendar. So I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know, I had a therapist tell us, you know,
Speaker 1: I mean, I had a therapist, you know, years ago
Speaker 1: when we were going through trouble, say, schedule sex, and
Speaker 1: then I had a lot of different opinions about that,
Speaker 1: a lot from a lot of people. But I didn't
Speaker 1: love that either. Though I like scheduling like dace and sex, but.
Speaker 2: I don't like that scheduling. And that's I think I
Speaker 2: was the unpopular opinion because to me, that makes me
Speaker 2: feel like like I have.
Speaker 1: To started giving me anxiety. Yeah, anxiety because I would
Speaker 1: like see it on the calendar and it would like
Speaker 1: give me you know. So I think we just kind
Speaker 1: of have to find the like happy medium for us.
Speaker 1: But I think for everybody it's great too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the scheduling sex is a big topic. A lot
Speaker 3: of intimacy experts recommend it. Sometimes experts will ask you
Speaker 3: to schedule knowing that there will be some anxiety, knowing
Speaker 3: that there will be self discomfort because all of that
Speaker 3: comes out, it comes to surface, you have to talk
Speaker 3: about it, You reshift, and it's almost like it pushes
Speaker 3: you to create new boundaries. You then say, yeah, the
Speaker 3: scheduling on Friday night sex gives me anxiety because you
Speaker 3: learn why, and then you reshift. I prefer, like you said,
Speaker 3: I prefer the date nights. I prefer the day dates
Speaker 3: or and then you kind of start to find your
Speaker 3: middle ground with each of you.
Speaker 1: That's so interesting. I hadn't thought about that. Now I'm
Speaker 1: kind of like I feel duped a little bit, like
Speaker 1: you were just trying to get me to talk about
Speaker 1: my anxiety about sex. Got it?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: That makes sense?
Speaker 2: Though, Why do you think people correlate just well? In
Speaker 2: my brain that sex is just the only form of intimacy.
Speaker 3: I think intimacy is a new concept, to be honest.
Speaker 3: It was a word that I started using a lot
Speaker 3: when I started my company because I was trying to
Speaker 3: broaden sex. I was trying to broaden sex into like
Speaker 3: the love category, the connection category. So for me, I
Speaker 3: see that that word has become more like all encompassing
Speaker 3: and a little bit safer and easy to use, especially
Speaker 3: if you're advertising and running ads or whatever. You don't
Speaker 3: you can't use the word sex, right, but intimacy intimate,
Speaker 3: Like it encompasses so much. Talking can be intimate. Holding
Speaker 3: someone's hand can be intimate. Sex can be intimate. It
Speaker 3: could be not intimate. Like there's just so much about it.
Speaker 3: So it's almost like figuring out what people crave and
Speaker 3: like what intimacy means to them. It is important. It's
Speaker 3: kind of like the foundation.
Speaker 2: See, I just never really thought of as anything but sex.
Speaker 2: Like I remember, I used to be like I want
Speaker 2: you to be I want you to be intimate with me,
Speaker 2: and you know, and I just always equaled that as sex.
Speaker 2: But over time, now I see like how impactful just
Speaker 2: you know, the moments of you know, my fiancee and
Speaker 2: I going for when we do walk or because that's
Speaker 2: we're holding hands, we're connecting, we're breathing in fresh air. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's like, yeah, it's such a different conversation than just
Speaker 2: sitting in the house over our phones watching TV.
Speaker 1: I mean I feel more intimate and more connected with conversation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like by far, Like that feels so much more intimate
Speaker 1: to me, just having like a deep conversation.
Speaker 2: So and you would be surprised that I now feel
Speaker 2: the same. I love that now I love sex. You're like,
Speaker 2: don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong. I love
Speaker 2: having my fancy. It's fantastic. Having said that, I just
Speaker 2: like it's it's an, it's an and with both of them,
Speaker 2: like both are needed. It just it's not just the
Speaker 2: other one was just sex. I didn't care if we
Speaker 2: spent every day together, like I liked it, but I
Speaker 2: just I wanted just sex to like fill the intimate void.
Speaker 2: And now I'm like no, And I think maybe Nick
Speaker 2: is kind of the same, like maybe he just wanted
Speaker 2: the sex too, but like no, it's like, as long
Speaker 2: as you have connection, that's really what's like important. Yeah,
Speaker 2: the answer both.
Speaker 1: And both of us.
Speaker 2: So, okay, want to shift gears a little bit with
Speaker 2: this topic. So obviously I'm pregnant and my daughter I
Speaker 2: skirted around the question because she said, but you're not married,
Speaker 2: because she thought that when you got married that's when
Speaker 2: a baby just like forms in the belly. I don't
Speaker 2: know how she thought that, because we actually have never
Speaker 2: had the conversation. But then the second time it happened
Speaker 2: a couple of weeks ago, we were watching Baby Boss.
Speaker 2: You know how that movie is all about babies being
Speaker 2: made in a factory. And she looked at she was
Speaker 2: like she's trying to figure it out. And I could
Speaker 2: see her like processing, like what's going on. I'm like, okay,
Speaker 2: here's here, it's coming. So she's like, so waitre do
Speaker 2: babies come from a factory? Like how are they made?
Speaker 2: Because she's like but because mommy, you're pregnant and that's
Speaker 2: not in a factory. And I'm like nope, still not
Speaker 2: ready to tell you. And I was like, well, yeah,
Speaker 2: that's just a movie. And you know, yes when you
Speaker 2: and I couldn't say when you get married. So I
Speaker 2: was really just trying to find my words. And then
Speaker 2: I just kind of changed. I was like, God, did
Speaker 2: it And you know, it's just it just appeared we
Speaker 2: love each other and love made a baby. And then
Speaker 2: I just stopped because I was like, I don't know
Speaker 2: when to say. And I think she's too young right now,
Speaker 2: she's gonna be eight. But what is your advice? Since
Speaker 2: you've had both, you know, you have a you have
Speaker 2: an old and a young.
Speaker 3: You totally got caught in that moment of a child
Speaker 3: asking you a sex related question and parent feels a
Speaker 3: little flustered. But that's normal. That's most of us. That's
Speaker 3: me sometimes too, even with my teenager who purposely tries
Speaker 3: to stump me. I'll just tell you that, Yeah, the
Speaker 3: thing about sex education with your kids is when they're little,
Speaker 3: I would say, up until like preteen, you're actually not
Speaker 3: even talking about sex itself. You're talking about healthy relationships,
Speaker 3: about body, about hygiene. It's like the things kind of
Speaker 3: around intimacy and stuff like that. And I think what
Speaker 3: you did was great. The focus for kids is usually
Speaker 3: just answering their question and being kind of general about
Speaker 3: it and then moving on, but allowing them to have
Speaker 3: space to ask you questions and trust that you're going
Speaker 3: to give them an answer. So just because it was
Speaker 3: embarrassing for us growing up, because you know, I didn't
Speaker 3: talk about these topics with my family, I think that's
Speaker 3: common in a lot of households. It doesn't mean that
Speaker 3: they have to grow up being embarrassed. So we're in
Speaker 3: this unique position to really change the script for our kids.
Speaker 3: So the fact that you answered the question I think
Speaker 3: is great. Good step one for little kids, I would
Speaker 3: say under ten, really focusing on like healthy relationships. Love.
Speaker 3: When people love each other, they can decide to expand
Speaker 3: the family. That's perfect. If they start asking more like
Speaker 3: anatomy questions, it's up to you, like where you think
Speaker 3: they're at developmentally, and just like answering pretty briefly works
Speaker 3: most of the time.
Speaker 2: I heard this thing though, and I don't know if
Speaker 2: I heard it from you or my therapist, but they
Speaker 2: were saying eight is too late about you know, learning
Speaker 2: things because they're on school buses and people just know
Speaker 2: things so much younger now, and so my fear is
Speaker 2: I wouldn't want her to hear something on the bus
Speaker 2: or she says something and then she's made fun of
Speaker 2: by like an older kid that obviously knows that a
Speaker 2: penis and vagina and this and that and then makes
Speaker 2: a baby. So it's like, you'd still recommend going that route.
Speaker 2: And then have you have you heard the eight is
Speaker 2: too late thing?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I've heard it, and I feel again, I
Speaker 1: feel like it's different with every kid. I have a
Speaker 1: fourteen year old, eleven and seven, both fourteen and eleven
Speaker 1: year olds. We had a form of the conversation at nine,
Speaker 1: but there were reasons around it. With the fourteen year old.
Speaker 1: He was a boy. We knew friends of his were
Speaker 1: having conversations about things, so we knew we had to
Speaker 1: get ahead of it. The eleven year old was the
Speaker 1: question thing, but it was just one question after another
Speaker 1: after another, and developmentally, I realized she just knows things,
Speaker 1: and so I was like, all right, we're going for it.
Speaker 1: But my seven year old, I don't see that happening.
Speaker 1: So I just think it's kind of different for everybody.
Speaker 1: But they will hear stuff, trust me. My eleven year
Speaker 1: old told me, Yeah, she told me the other day
Speaker 1: that they her and her best friends, they're the only
Speaker 1: ones that have already had a conversation out of all
Speaker 1: their friends from their parents. But everybody knows about it.
Speaker 1: All their friends know, but we're the only ones that
Speaker 1: I've talked to him about it.
Speaker 3: My two cents about all of this is I feel
Speaker 3: like every child needs something different, which is why it's
Speaker 3: like you can't just like apply lessons one through three
Speaker 3: for every kid at this exact age. But they will
Speaker 3: hear things, and they'll usually come to you to clarify
Speaker 3: or like to see if it's true. So that's why
Speaker 3: if you give them honest responses, they'll know that you
Speaker 3: can be a source. Unfortunately, a lot of kids are
Speaker 3: finding out sex education through porn or through friends, especially
Speaker 3: if those friends have older siblings. So you being kind
Speaker 3: of like their home base is always going to feel
Speaker 3: reassuring to them. And privacy is a concept that comes
Speaker 3: in like anatomy is a concept that comes in early.
Speaker 3: That's like a three year old conversation. That is like
Speaker 3: a you're learning your body. This is your ear, this
Speaker 3: is your nose, this is your vulva, Like just straight
Speaker 3: up that's the body. And concepts of privacy are really
Speaker 3: important to keep kids safe. Right, So no one should
Speaker 3: ever do a B and C. No one should ever
Speaker 3: touch your private areas. Only and you list the people
Speaker 3: only me or Grandma can help to dry you or
Speaker 3: change you. They will ask you why you can say
Speaker 3: that's a private area of the body. If anybody ever
Speaker 3: tries to get you to come into a separate room,
Speaker 3: that's that's a no go. Like it's kind of scary
Speaker 3: to talk about these things, but I feel like privacy
Speaker 3: and safety should definitely be talked about really really early,
Speaker 3: like elementary early. I agree with that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is speaking of the privacy aspect that this
Speaker 2: goes like sorry, way off intimacy. But we were at
Speaker 2: my son's baseball game the other day and or was
Speaker 2: practice and she's like, mom, I forgot something in the car.
Speaker 2: And I was like, you know, and she's she's she
Speaker 2: wants her independence so bad. She keeps asking, mom, can
Speaker 2: I please ride my bike on the sub you know,
Speaker 2: by myself? And I'm like, no, honey, not yet. But
Speaker 2: I'm like I'm trying to give her like pieces where
Speaker 2: like she can. I'm like, but I will stand way behind,
Speaker 2: like allan, and I will walk really far behind you
Speaker 2: so you can still feel like you're by yourself. Just
Speaker 2: you know, make sure to just do the loop and
Speaker 2: we'll we'll we'll walk way behind. But at the baseball game,
Speaker 2: she had said that she, you know, for outmoy car.
Speaker 2: So I was just like, oh, yeah, here, take my key,
Speaker 2: go get it. But then when she started walking away,
Speaker 2: I was just like, I'm going to lose sight of
Speaker 2: her there, and I'm like, I can't do it. So
Speaker 2: I just I started I started just like booking it
Speaker 2: to her. She's like, but Mommy, I want to go
Speaker 2: by myself, and I go, honey, I have to have
Speaker 2: eyes on you. I go because when you round that
Speaker 2: corner right there, this is a parking lot, and I
Speaker 2: just I got sick to my stomach. I go because
Speaker 2: if this is when I was like, baby girl, tell
Speaker 2: me what she want to do? Here it what happens
Speaker 2: if a van, If a guy pulls up in a
Speaker 2: van with twelve puppies, what would you do?
Speaker 3: You know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Because in my mind, I'm like, I think you're going
Speaker 2: to go in the van with the puppies and that
Speaker 2: man is going to take you and I would never
Speaker 2: see you know. So I just started to like I
Speaker 2: got this like sick gut feeling, and I just I mean,
Speaker 2: I was booking.
Speaker 1: It like I was like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that's other thing too, because it's like I
Speaker 2: just you have to like I was like, oh, I
Speaker 2: need to have this conversation with your age.
Speaker 1: Have to be early.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 3: I like it. I like I am on the same frequency.
Speaker 3: I think that your intuition is spot on.
Speaker 2: It's just so it's a but but I also like
Speaker 2: want to give her her but I'm like, yeah, she's
Speaker 2: still just too young.
Speaker 1: Like I just like, yeah, I just think it depends
Speaker 1: and I really do I mean, I'm still having conversations
Speaker 1: with my fourteen year old, like it's coming up now
Speaker 1: because they're doing a lot of like youth group stuff
Speaker 1: and a lot of things that's a lot more really independent,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I know we've talked about this, right,
Speaker 1: but you know, not to be in a room by
Speaker 1: yourself with an adult, you know, not to you know.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's like it's a constant, It's a conversation
Speaker 1: that just keeps going.
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, switching tears again. You mentioned porn as an
Speaker 2: intimacy expert. Is your what is your thoughts on porn
Speaker 2: in relationships?
Speaker 3: So many thoughts, So it depends on the couple or
Speaker 3: the partners and the type of porn, and there's, like
Speaker 3: I want to say, thousands of combinations of this, but overall,
Speaker 3: I feel like porn can be positive in a relationship
Speaker 3: if it's serving a healthy purpose. So if, for example,
Speaker 3: both of you get turned on if you put it
Speaker 3: on in the background and it helps get you in
Speaker 3: the mood, I think that's great. If you are supporting
Speaker 3: like ethical porn producers and certain artists that are known
Speaker 3: for like creating really quality content that's very realistic. I
Speaker 3: think that's great. So there's a lot of ways I
Speaker 3: think that you can absorb porn. But if it's problematic
Speaker 3: in the sense that one partner watches porn and other
Speaker 3: partner does not, and it doesn't feel positive, like the
Speaker 3: one that doesn't feels negatively about it, then I feel
Speaker 3: like you have to talk about it and address, like
Speaker 3: why what do you specifically like not feeling good about.
Speaker 3: I would say most of the time, ninety percent of
Speaker 3: porn that's on the market is not realistic sex. Though
Speaker 3: that's my main issue with porn, and there are websites
Speaker 3: that are doing great things like Afterglow does like really
Speaker 3: high quality like realistic porn, Make Love not porn has
Speaker 3: like actual couples that upload their videos. So there are
Speaker 3: ways to engage in watching porn that is realistic, but
Speaker 3: the unrealistic porn or the one that's like very one
Speaker 3: sided or traditional in the sense like male dominating woman,
Speaker 3: Like if it's a turnof for both people and they
Speaker 3: enjoy watching it, I think there's nothing wrong with it.
Speaker 3: But most of the time it's just not realistic sex.
Speaker 3: And I want people to feel like they can be
Speaker 3: their true, authentic self and they're enjoying sex with their
Speaker 3: partner and not feeling like they're performative or like holding
Speaker 3: back noises or whatever it is that they're trying to
Speaker 3: mimic from porn.
Speaker 2: M I feel like it takes away the intimacy too
Speaker 2: personally for me of their relationship and it kind of numbs. Again,
Speaker 2: this is my own personal that it might numb their
Speaker 2: relationship if they're going to porn rather than like if
Speaker 2: you're not watching it together and he's just doing it
Speaker 2: by himself or whatever, that it might kind of numb
Speaker 2: the then intimacy with the partner. That's how I've always
Speaker 2: kind of viewed it.
Speaker 3: But I think a lot of couples that I would
Speaker 3: work with, the issues would come up with one when
Speaker 3: one partner really wanted to watch a certain type of
Speaker 3: porn and the other didn't. So you're right, if it's
Speaker 3: a tool that helps both of you get in the mood,
Speaker 3: it can be great. I've also talked to a lot
Speaker 3: of people that are addicted to porn, and so I
Speaker 3: feel like there's a lot of levels to it. But overall,
Speaker 3: I think using it as a mode to get turned
Speaker 3: on can be healthy as long as it's used in
Speaker 3: moderation and both people feel good with it.
Speaker 2: Have you ever watched one? Yeah, I just what you're
Speaker 2: in the spot.
Speaker 1: Sorry, I don't want to talk about.
Speaker 2: This who she's just getting used to This podcast is
Speaker 2: always like, oh, I can't come today with this.
Speaker 1: Guest sex expert.
Speaker 2: No I'm not here today. Okay, tell us all about
Speaker 2: your company, bloo Me and everything that listeners can get
Speaker 2: when Yeah, what the products and all of it.
Speaker 3: Yes. I started Bloomy about five years ago because as
Speaker 3: I was working with clients during my sexology sessions, people
Speaker 3: would want their recommendations like Okay, give me the book,
Speaker 3: give me the lube, like what was the toy you mentioned?
Speaker 3: So I would send them all of these different links
Speaker 3: and eventually I just said, let me just create a
Speaker 3: place where I can curate brands that I love. That
Speaker 3: then turned into let me develop some of the products
Speaker 3: that I'm not seeing on the market, And today we
Speaker 3: say blooe met is a sexologist led intimacy company and
Speaker 3: the what we focus on our intimacy solutions that help
Speaker 3: you get in the mood. That's what I specialized in,
Speaker 3: That's what I love doing. The products their plant based,
Speaker 3: clean medical grades on the Cone like just super high
Speaker 3: quality but still accessible price point wise, like usability wise,
Speaker 3: and then the content is inclusive. We have tons of
Speaker 3: sexology content on our platform. I'm essentially trying to find
Speaker 3: a way to scale myself, so instead of just meeting
Speaker 3: one by one with individuals, like this is a way
Speaker 3: where people can see like what I'm recommending kind of
Speaker 3: in a general sense, and then click into the things
Speaker 3: that they're interested in. We are sold nationwide at Target,
Speaker 3: so some people are surprised weight you can get toys
Speaker 3: at Target now you can you can get loubs and
Speaker 3: toys at Target, so you can check like your local
Speaker 3: store or even online. Is a really great way to support.
Speaker 2: And I gotta say the prices are great too, because
Speaker 2: like the play Mini vibrators thirty five dollars, the massage
Speaker 2: platoral and Body Vibra forty dollars, and then like the
Speaker 2: oils like twenty from from twelve to twenty bucks is
Speaker 2: what I see and I mean and I love the
Speaker 2: color lines look really nice too. I like that this
Speaker 2: is all really good. So everyone had to blue me
Speaker 2: dot com that's b Lomi and then question for you
Speaker 2: because I feel like this happens a lot too in relationships.
Speaker 2: What if one person is wanting to do something that
Speaker 2: the other doesn't want to do, and they're caught in
Speaker 2: the position of, well, I want to please my partner
Speaker 2: because I don't want them to leave me or do
Speaker 2: it with someone else, but it kind of goes against
Speaker 2: what they might feel or want to do, Like what
Speaker 2: would you what would be your advice? And you know,
Speaker 2: obviously like yes, talk to the partner, but if it's
Speaker 2: still like resistance, like what do you suggest?
Speaker 3: M hm? This is a classic, Like we have different
Speaker 3: no lists. So in sexology concept we usually go through
Speaker 3: like what are you comfortable with sexually? What are you
Speaker 3: excited to try that you guys haven't discussed yet? And
Speaker 3: then what are your hard knows? If somebody has a
Speaker 3: hard no, usually we say it's off limits, but it
Speaker 3: is worth discussing why is it off limits? What about
Speaker 3: it makes you uncomfortable? Because sometimes people are surprised. Like
Speaker 3: I'll give you an example. A lot of couple's anal
Speaker 3: is on one person's no list but not on another.
Speaker 3: And usually the reason it's on someone's no list is
Speaker 3: because they feel like apprehensive about getting dirty or like
Speaker 3: having an accident. Basically like having PCs, right, that's what
Speaker 3: they're worried about. When the other partner can alleviate that
Speaker 3: worry and say, oh, honey, I don't care, or what
Speaker 3: if it's just the shower, then it actually moves to
Speaker 3: the maybe list. So it is important to understand why.
Speaker 3: But some of these topics might be sensitive, right, like
Speaker 3: some people have trauma or it's just the nost is
Speaker 3: a sensitive zone, So be really careful about asking why
Speaker 3: so if and if you're still like, oh, but I
Speaker 3: really really love this one thing and you're saying no,
Speaker 3: can you do it on yourself? Like is it something
Speaker 3: that you can explore on your own? And are there
Speaker 3: any other things that are similar that your partner would
Speaker 3: be open to. Maybe your partner would be open to
Speaker 3: like rimming, but not anal sex, things like that, find
Speaker 3: find the middles?
Speaker 2: Have you this is again personal question you don't have
Speaker 2: to answer killer, you're just going Have you ever asked
Speaker 2: Nick like what his fantasy is or like what he
Speaker 2: would like like either like what his fantasy in bed
Speaker 2: would be or what he would ever want to do
Speaker 2: with you or as a couple in bed?
Speaker 1: Ish? Yeah, ish, I mean I haven't just said, like,
Speaker 1: what's your fantasy? But yes, yes, we've discussed that.
Speaker 2: Because I think it's so interesting to see, you know,
Speaker 2: what someone's because what I would think would be something
Speaker 2: they'd be like, no, I would never want to do that.
Speaker 2: It's like oh okay, you know, and just like having
Speaker 2: that like and then you feel even closer, almost like
Speaker 2: in right bed too, knowing that like they're not because
Speaker 2: I always ruminate that maybe they're thinking they want they
Speaker 2: want more of this or more of that, or they
Speaker 2: want to be wild with this, when really like he
Speaker 2: just wants to be super intimate and like you know
Speaker 2: again like my old school you know, he's very like
Speaker 2: he's just like no, he's like I don't want the
Speaker 2: trash talk. And I was like, oh, really, I thought
Speaker 2: guys love that, and he's like no, he's like I
Speaker 2: don't like that at all, Like it actually turns me off.
Speaker 2: And so I was just like, oh okay, So I
Speaker 2: had to like reprogram my mind to what I thought
Speaker 2: guys liked and wanted. And then but I was like,
Speaker 2: that's not so just like being open in that conversation.
Speaker 1: When for yourself, you're just because you thought that's what
Speaker 1: they want it.
Speaker 2: For sure, I thought like he would like that, and
Speaker 2: he was just like, by the way, and even he
Speaker 2: was even the one that said, he's like, I don't
Speaker 2: I don't like when you say that. I'm like, oh really,
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. Like he's like, no, no, no, he's I just
Speaker 2: that's he's like, you're my like woman, and yeah, it's
Speaker 2: I don't know. He's like, it's more intimate for me.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh wow, I didn't even like I
Speaker 2: just assumed all guys just wanted girls to act like plus.
Speaker 3: Like in the bedroom. I you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I was like a total assumption for my past I
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Like, so, I just like my.
Speaker 3: Preferences. They change every person. It's so interesting, like every
Speaker 3: partner will be completely different, have different preferences. I like,
Speaker 3: I think it would be really cool for you. And
Speaker 3: I'm sure a lot of people listening is just do
Speaker 3: like a quick fire with your partner when you're having
Speaker 3: a date night. Just I'm just gonna ask you a
Speaker 3: whole bunch of random things, tell me if you like
Speaker 3: it or not. And dirty talk should be on that
Speaker 3: list because you would be surprised when people do not
Speaker 3: like it. And some people are like, I have to
Speaker 3: have it, So then again, what's the middle, right, But
Speaker 3: just go through anything you can think of, and that
Speaker 3: can be like your quick fire.
Speaker 2: Well I think it's kind of cool too, like for
Speaker 2: a date night. That kind of is fun to do
Speaker 2: on a date night because then you're kind of getting.
Speaker 3: Like you're talking about you know what I mean, It's.
Speaker 2: Like you want to hurry up and get home and
Speaker 2: have fun.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Rebecca, where can our listeners find you?
Speaker 3: Oh, people can find me. I'm usually very active on Instagram.
Speaker 3: It's Rebecca Avanis Story. I have a lot of entrepreneur
Speaker 3: mom stuff on there. And then if you want to
Speaker 3: find out more about Bloomy, it's the Bloomy dot com
Speaker 3: and all of the social channels are the same.
Speaker 2: Awesome. Well, thank you so much Rebecca for coming on.
Speaker 2: This was great.
Speaker 3: Thank you, that was fun. It was great to have.
Speaker 2: Thanks girl, Yes, appreciate you.