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Speaker 1: All right, hi guys, welcome to a new episode of

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Speaker 1: couch Talks. I am Cat and Couch Talks is the

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Speaker 1: special bonus episode that we do every single Wednesday where

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Speaker 1: I answer questions that you guys send in to me.

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Speaker 1: And if you have a question you want me to answer,

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Speaker 1: you can send it to Catherine at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast dot com and maybe one day I will answer it. Now,

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Speaker 1: most of you guys know that I've been listening to

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Speaker 1: the podcast, and who aren't new to the podcast, that

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Speaker 1: I am a therapist and I'm a licensed therapist. However,

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Speaker 1: when it comes to the podcast, and especially when it

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Speaker 1: comes to couch Talks and me answering questions, I like

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Speaker 1: to remind you guys that this podcast is not therapy

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Speaker 1: and I am not acting as your therapist by answering

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Speaker 1: any of these questions. I'm really just using them as

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Speaker 1: kind of like points to jump off of for some

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Speaker 1: of you guys, Like I think, sometimes you might listen

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Speaker 1: to these episodes and you might not have the same

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Speaker 1: exact thing going on, but some of the feedback that

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Speaker 1: I might offer will help you go then explore parts

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Speaker 1: of your lives deeper, but it won't tell you exactly

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Speaker 1: what to do. I'm never going to tell you what

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Speaker 1: exactly what to do, and to be honest, even if

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Speaker 1: it was your therapist, I'm not going to be doing

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Speaker 1: that unless it was like a do or die situation.

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Speaker 1: We like to help you figure it out and not

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Speaker 1: figure it out for you. And so anyway, all that

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Speaker 1: to say, I just want to remind you, guys that

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Speaker 1: this is not therapy and I am not your therapist.

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Speaker 1: Although wouldn't it be nice if I could be everybody's Actually,

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Speaker 1: I take that back. I don't think that would be

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Speaker 1: very nice. I'd feel a lot of pressure, I'd be

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Speaker 1: very tired. Anyway, Okay, so I usually answered two questions.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna do two questions today, and I always keep

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Speaker 1: them anonymous. So let's just jump into it. The first

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Speaker 1: question comes from, like I said, an anonymous person, and

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Speaker 1: here is the email that I received. Okay, cat a

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Speaker 1: couple of loaded questions here and would love your thoughts

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Speaker 1: and to share this in case any other listeners are

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Speaker 1: having similar experiences. I have been working with a therapist

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Speaker 1: for over a year to address some of my own

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Speaker 1: mental health concerns, many stemming from a childhood dealing with

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Speaker 1: a mom and Munchausen's by proxy. My sister and I

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Speaker 1: connected the dots regarding our childhood and the traumatic experiences

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Speaker 1: we both had, and together we decided to both see

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Speaker 1: therapists to help us heal. Many times we were each

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Speaker 1: hospitalized for illnesses that didn't exist, symptoms that were exaggerated, etcetera.

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Speaker 1: Almost once a year, each of us had some type

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Speaker 1: of life threatening illness that required many doctors and treatments. Now,

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Speaker 1: as an adult and with my own daughter, I really

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Speaker 1: struggle having my mom as part of my life as

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Speaker 1: well as my daughter's life. She has always wanted to

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Speaker 1: be seen as the best mother with the perfect life

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Speaker 1: and the perfect family. If you ever ask her or

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Speaker 1: bring up anything to do with our medical history as children,

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Speaker 1: she acts as a martyr and in quote, she did

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Speaker 1: everything she could to get and keep us well, seeing

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Speaker 1: the best doctors, blah blah blah blah blah. And now

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Speaker 1: we've even brought it to our father's attention, and he's

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Speaker 1: in denial about it. He says that we are selfish

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Speaker 1: for not appreciating all of the medical care my mom

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Speaker 1: insisted on giving us. My question is is it possible

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Speaker 1: for a family to heal from a situation of Munchausen's.

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Speaker 1: Do you think it's possible for my mom or my

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Speaker 1: dad to ever understand the situation? Thanks again for all

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Speaker 1: your work on the podcast. Oh boy, this is a

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Speaker 1: very brave story to talk about, even though it is anonymous,

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Speaker 1: and it's a very brave question to ask. And before

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Speaker 1: we get into any of this, I just want to

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Speaker 1: first validate you and the work you're doing, because this

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Speaker 1: is a lot and this sounds very challenging for so

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Speaker 1: many reasons, and my heart's like beating extra specially for

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Speaker 1: you right now even just reading this. So for those

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Speaker 1: of you who might not know what Munchausen's is, I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of us might or a lot of

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Speaker 1: people out there might now know what it is. After

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Speaker 1: the Netflix series The Act, be sure that's what was

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Speaker 1: called UM. That kind of depicted the life we're not

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Speaker 1: kind of it definitely did depicted the life of Gypsy Rose.

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Speaker 1: Really great series. Really UM could be triggering for this

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Speaker 1: the person who wrote this, but just like very hard

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Speaker 1: to watch. It was a true story. So Munchausen's is UM.

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Speaker 1: Something that's also called factitious disorder, and that is where

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Speaker 1: you essentially fake illnesses or exaggerate physical or mental issues

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Speaker 1: in order to get some external reward. And Munchausen's by

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Speaker 1: proxy is when somebody imposes that on someone else, so

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Speaker 1: you can have it yourself and you do it to yourself,

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Speaker 1: and then by proxies when you do it to someone else.

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Speaker 1: And that's what the act was. Her mom was doing

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Speaker 1: it to her, and that's the same in this case

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Speaker 1: scenario as well. I do want to say this gets

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Speaker 1: confused with hypochondria a lot, and that is different in

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Speaker 1: the sense that that is when somebody struggles with actually

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Speaker 1: being preoccupied or believing or thinking that they have issues

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Speaker 1: or illnesses. They really think that affectious disorder and munch

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Speaker 1: sense you know, you don't have anything wrong with you,

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Speaker 1: essentially making it up. So there's the back if that,

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Speaker 1: If that didn't make sense to anybody, it's fascinating stuff.

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Speaker 1: It's completed stuff. Nobody really knows that. There's not like

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Speaker 1: a one reason why it happens. There are things that

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Speaker 1: people believe that lead to it, stemming from abuse and

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Speaker 1: trauma and people's lives, but there's not necessary cause and

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Speaker 1: effect and a cure for all for that. And it's

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Speaker 1: so it's really tough. And that's why I even said

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Speaker 1: in the beginning, this is such a brave question. My

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Speaker 1: heart going out for you. So when it comes to

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Speaker 1: adjust your question, healing is always possible. The thing is, uh,

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Speaker 1: your mom and your dad would need to first acknowledge

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Speaker 1: that there was a wound, and I don't know if

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Speaker 1: it sounds like they're willing to or even able to

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Speaker 1: do that in the present moment. And I say that

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Speaker 1: in regards to the healing that I am imagining that

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Speaker 1: you want healing as a family as a whole, for

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Speaker 1: all of you to kind of come together, acknowledge the

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Speaker 1: truth in this, and then kind of make amends and

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Speaker 1: move forward. Your parents would need to acknowledge that there's

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Speaker 1: a wound there, and it sounds like they do not

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Speaker 1: believe that. And you know I've mentioned people do this

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Speaker 1: to get some kind of external reward, right, Well, if

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Speaker 1: your parents continue to believe that what they did was

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Speaker 1: right or good, it helps them maintain that external gain

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Speaker 1: or even the idea of it. Now, if they were

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Speaker 1: to acknowledge the reality of the situation, I would imagine

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Speaker 1: that it would take away from that reward and what

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Speaker 1: I know to be true about human behavior is that

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Speaker 1: people don't tend to change if something's working for them,

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Speaker 1: and they definitely have a hard time changing is something's

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Speaker 1: working for them and they know that changing is going

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Speaker 1: to make that thing no longer work. In other words,

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Speaker 1: the cost benefit of their behavior would likely need to

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Speaker 1: flip flop for them to be able and willing to

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Speaker 1: honor your truths now. Good news here is that healing

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Speaker 1: for you is still possible regardless. It just may look

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Speaker 1: different than you want it to. And I'm not sure

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Speaker 1: if your mom or dad will ever fully understand, And

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Speaker 1: there's no way for me to know that or kind

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Speaker 1: of tell you or give you any kind of you know,

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Speaker 1: future telling as an outsider, because I don't know this

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Speaker 1: scenario personally, But I do believe that there can be

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Speaker 1: a certain amount of hope and acceptance at the same

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Speaker 1: time of what reality is for you right now, So

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Speaker 1: you can have hope that that might be something based

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Speaker 1: on more of the details of your story, and also

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Speaker 1: there can be acceptance of what the reality is now

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Speaker 1: regardless of what happens in the future. Healing can look

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Speaker 1: a million different ways, and part of that for you

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Speaker 1: could be to find some radical acceptance for the limitations

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Speaker 1: your parents have. Now I have to also say this,

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Speaker 1: it could be true that they are not safe people

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Speaker 1: for you to continue to engage in. So I'm going

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Speaker 1: to let you and your therapists iron out the details here.

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Speaker 1: What I'm just saying is, regardless of what your parents do,

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Speaker 1: there is so much healing and freedom available for you.

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Speaker 1: You just might have to examine your expectations of what

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Speaker 1: that actually is. And that goes for everybody, no matter

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Speaker 1: what your situation is. I think a lot of us

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Speaker 1: put a lot of energy in other people in our

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Speaker 1: lives changing in order for us to get our needs met.

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Speaker 1: And as adults, it doesn't have to be that way.

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Speaker 1: We can take ownership and responsibility of our own healing process,

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Speaker 1: which is very cool. Now that does come with some

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Speaker 1: grief work, a lot of grief work probably, and especially

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Speaker 1: in this situation I'm imagining there's so much grief work

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Speaker 1: in that of letting go of what you want and

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Speaker 1: what you actually what you deserve as a human and

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Speaker 1: as a as a daughter two people. But also with

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Speaker 1: that grief or and also I should say I like

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Speaker 1: to use the end with that grief comes something better

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Speaker 1: than putting all of our emotional outcomes in other people's hands.

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Speaker 1: It comes with the ability for you to move forward

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Speaker 1: and have the life that you want to have and

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Speaker 1: the life that you deserve to have. So all not

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Speaker 1: to say there's definitely healing possible. What that healing looks

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Speaker 1: like might depend on kind of you and your process

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Speaker 1: and the abilities and the willingness of your parents to

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Speaker 1: acknowledge this stuff. You know, this just is another example

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Speaker 1: of the greatness of the world. Right. We want these

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Speaker 1: black and white answers, and we want to yes, and

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Speaker 1: we want to know. And I can't give you that

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Speaker 1: either of those. But what I would like to encourage

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Speaker 1: you to focus on is how do I stay present

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Speaker 1: in the moment that I have now and how do

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Speaker 1: I find healing the moment that I have now? Because

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Speaker 1: I also believe that the moments that we have in

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Speaker 1: the present are the most important moments ever because they're

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Speaker 1: what we have like, they are what we're in. So

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Speaker 1: it's it's necessary for us to acknowledge the present and

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Speaker 1: what's in front of us. Again, heart goes out to you.

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Speaker 1: This is so tough, and I can't imagine what you've

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Speaker 1: been through, and I'm so grateful at the same time,

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Speaker 1: even though I don't know you that you have been

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Speaker 1: able to do some really good work around this, and

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Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to continue that work, because,

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Speaker 1: especially having a daughter of your own, I'm sure a

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Speaker 1: lot of that stuff is popping up for you all

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Speaker 1: over the place. So thank you for sharing that, and

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Speaker 1: let's move on to question number two. All right, Hi, Cat,

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Speaker 1: So I have been going to therapy for a couple

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Speaker 1: of months now, and it's large part thanks to you

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Speaker 1: in the podcast. I've gotten a lot out of it,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not going every week anymore. I'm going every

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Speaker 1: other week, and I'm so glad I even started going

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Speaker 1: in the first place. My question is, though, not about

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Speaker 1: my therapy, but more about therapist rules. For lack of

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Speaker 1: a better understanding of what to call this, I saw

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Speaker 1: my therapist out the other night, and I swear we

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Speaker 1: made eye contact, but I felt like she ignored me

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Speaker 1: when I tried to say hi. I definitely remember talking

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Speaker 1: about boundaries in our first session, and I understand that

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Speaker 1: she can't talk to me if I don't talk to

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Speaker 1: her first. However, I felt like it was really weird

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Speaker 1: that night and I wanted to bring it up in

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Speaker 1: our next session, because I did try to say hi.

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Speaker 1: I have found myself making up a lot of stories

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Speaker 1: and scenarios in my head, and I've even convinced myself

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Speaker 1: that she doesn't like me. I'm asking this even though

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Speaker 1: I know from being an avid listener that you aren't

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Speaker 1: going to give me a direct answer or that act

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Speaker 1: answer that I want. But what do you think I

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Speaker 1: should say? What do you think I should do? I

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Speaker 1: don't want to impede on my therapist life or think

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Speaker 1: that I'm trying to outside of our therapy, and I

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Speaker 1: don't want to make her feel bad, but I wish

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Speaker 1: you would have been open to saying hi to me

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Speaker 1: in public. Okay, I love this question so much, and

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Speaker 1: I actually bumped this question up in hopes that maybe

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Speaker 1: you could hear this before you see your therapist skin.

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Speaker 1: So I hope I've caught you at the right time. Now,

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Speaker 1: before we get into this one, I want to explain

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Speaker 1: some general therapist boundaries. So I'm an LPC, So that's

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Speaker 1: that's my license, and this is the rules for us,

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Speaker 1: and I think it's kind of like probably the rules

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Speaker 1: for any healthcare professional. It regards to HIPPA and privacy,

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Speaker 1: so and This is just the standard. So some therapists

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Speaker 1: might have different boundaries and more strict boundaries based on

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Speaker 1: them in their lives. So I don't know if this

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Speaker 1: therapist has stricter boundaries, but this is the essential basics.

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Speaker 1: One on one. A therapist cannot say hi to a

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Speaker 1: client in public unless the client says hi to them,

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Speaker 1: because that's protecting your privacy. So if a client were

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Speaker 1: to see me out somewhere and I saw them, and

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Speaker 1: let's say even we even made eye contact, I can't

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Speaker 1: even wave unless the client waves first. If I saw

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Speaker 1: them in the grocery store, I mean it's anywhere. If

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Speaker 1: I saw them literally anywhereks at my office, that would

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Speaker 1: be the rule. And I will say I see clients

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Speaker 1: kind of quite often, and I've had clients that have

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Speaker 1: one thousand percent ignored me, and it's fine, like if

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Speaker 1: that's because therapy, and I averybody wants first of all,

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Speaker 1: and everybody wants people to know their in therapy, and

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Speaker 1: it can be uncomfortable. Some people don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: to their therapists or see their therapists when they're out

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Speaker 1: in the wild, and that can be for a million reasons.

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Speaker 1: And I'm not even going to get into that because

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Speaker 1: there's a million of them and so it would take

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Speaker 1: a lot of our time. But with that, some therapists

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Speaker 1: might tack on extra stuff. They might say like I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to talk to you in public, or if

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Speaker 1: I see you in a certain place, I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to speak to you. And some of you guys might

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Speaker 1: be like, oh why, Like why does is that such

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Speaker 1: a boundary? Like why do they have to say how

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Speaker 1: do you? First? And it's because it's fine if a

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Speaker 1: client wants to acknowledge their therapist. But if we're let's

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Speaker 1: say we're out in public, and we eld say, were

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Speaker 1: the grocery store and you're I don't know why I

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Speaker 1: picked a grocery store. We're at the grocery store. I

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Speaker 1: didn't see my therapist at the grocery store once, and

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Speaker 1: we did talk. I was on myself, she was by herself.

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Speaker 1: But we're gonna make that scenario different. Okay, Let's say

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Speaker 1: I was with like a new guy I was dating,

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Speaker 1: and I was at Trader Joe's and I saw my

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Speaker 1: therapist and let's say I went up and said hi

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Speaker 1: to her, or let's just say actually she came up

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Speaker 1: and said hi to me. First, I didn't say hid her.

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Speaker 1: I didn't have a choice, and I say, Hi, how

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Speaker 1: are you good? Good? How are you? This is my

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Speaker 1: friend so and so, or this is my boyfriend and

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Speaker 1: this guy, however, I want to introduce him. Okay, therapist

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Speaker 1: leaves boy says who was that? Well, then I'm put

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Speaker 1: in this situation where I either have to brush it off,

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Speaker 1: lie or tell him that that was my therapist, and

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Speaker 1: that might move into a conversation I'm not ready to

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Speaker 1: have yet with that person. At the same time, maybe

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Speaker 1: I'm with somebody and that's also his therapist and we

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Speaker 1: don't know that yet, and we're both seeing the same theory.

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Speaker 1: I mean, there's so much in that, and that's why

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Speaker 1: I even said before. There's the reasons why somebody might

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Speaker 1: not want to or not. We can't get into all

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Speaker 1: of them. But it breaks confident dent reality. Even if

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Speaker 1: I don't say Hi, I'm so and So's therapist or

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Speaker 1: it's like written on my face, because it puts them

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Speaker 1: in a situation where they might have to answer a

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Speaker 1: question like that, if that makes any sense. So, I mean,

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Speaker 1: and there's more to that as well, but that's the rule.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna stop talking about this and move on to

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Speaker 1: this question because I think got a little side trap

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Speaker 1: um anyway, So honestly, I think it is a waste

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Speaker 1: of time to even go through the scenario that you

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Speaker 1: sent me and and talk about the scenarios. It's a

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Speaker 1: waste of time for you to go through all these

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Speaker 1: scenaries in your head of trying to figure out why

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Speaker 1: your therapists ignored you, if that's what she even did,

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Speaker 1: because it doesn't actually matter. It doesn't matter if she

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Speaker 1: saw you, if she doesn't didn't see you, It doesn't

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Speaker 1: matter why if she did ignore you should ignored you.

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Speaker 1: None of that has to do with you at all,

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Speaker 1: None of it. None of that has to do with you.

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Speaker 1: That all has to do with your therapist, her life,

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Speaker 1: her eyeballs, her thoughts, her whatever. What's important is how

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Speaker 1: you felt and how easy it was for you to

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Speaker 1: jump to all these conclusions that it seems like you

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Speaker 1: jumped too. So that is what I think you should say.

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Speaker 1: I just think you should tell her that you saw

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Speaker 1: her and then explain to her kind of what went

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Speaker 1: through your head. Walk through that, and I believe that

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Speaker 1: would be such a beneficial session to talk about and

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Speaker 1: to talk about what came up when you saw her.

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Speaker 1: It is very very very very very natural to want

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Speaker 1: your therapist to like you. So there's nothing wrong with them,

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Speaker 1: nothing at all, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

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Speaker 1: You might have shame, acknowledge that and talk about it,

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Speaker 1: because there's something underneath of that. The important part of

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Speaker 1: all this is getting to the why behind your what here?

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Speaker 1: Why do you want her to like you? Why is

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Speaker 1: that important? Why is it easy for you to assume

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Speaker 1: she doesn't. All of this is therapy in itself, and

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Speaker 1: so this is a I think kind of like a

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Speaker 1: godsend that this even happened because it might help you

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Speaker 1: get to the root of more of your stuff. And again,

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Speaker 1: none of this is about your therapist and her why

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Speaker 1: behind her what. It's yours, and I want you to

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Speaker 1: really remember that no matter what her raised was, that's

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Speaker 1: not important. What's important is your experience and what came

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Speaker 1: up in you and what popped up in you. Because

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Speaker 1: there might be some people out there who that happens

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Speaker 1: and their first thought is, oh, she must not have

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Speaker 1: saw me. It doesn't seem like you did that, or

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Speaker 1: that happens. Oh she must not want to impede on

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Speaker 1: on my night. She maybe she felt awkward and didn't

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Speaker 1: want whatever. But your first thing went to like, oh,

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Speaker 1: she doesn't like me. And the other thing is, which

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Speaker 1: I think is important to talk about with your therapist,

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Speaker 1: and so many of my clients bring this up about

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Speaker 1: it is important for her to like you and why

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Speaker 1: that is. Talk about that, talk about that all day long.

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Speaker 1: That could be like five sessions. You might not want

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Speaker 1: it to be, but there might be enough juice in

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Speaker 1: there for it to be five sessions. So yeah, I

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Speaker 1: would just encourage you to really go to your therapist

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Speaker 1: and bring all that up without filtering it and just

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Speaker 1: see what comes up. And if she is a good therapist,

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Speaker 1: which I'm sure she is because it sounds like you've

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Speaker 1: done some great work with her, you'll be able to

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Speaker 1: do some great work through that. Now for everybody else

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Speaker 1: in the world, I hope that you got something out

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Speaker 1: of the you know, nice hippa explanation I gave to you,

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Speaker 1: very professional, um hippa explanation, And if you ever have

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Speaker 1: experience like that, also bring that up. And you might

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Speaker 1: even want to talk to your therapist about it before

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Speaker 1: it happens. If they haven't brought it up already of like, hey,

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Speaker 1: what do you normally do or what usually happens in

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Speaker 1: these scenarios. I might be helpful because depending on what

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Speaker 1: kind of town you live in, you could bump into

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Speaker 1: your therapist all kinds of different places. And Nashurville is

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Speaker 1: like a big small town, so I see people all

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Speaker 1: the time, and you know, we get through it all, right.

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Speaker 1: So that wraps up this episode of couch Talks, and

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys are having the week that you

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Speaker 1: need to have this week. I right now, I'm on vacation,

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Speaker 1: so this I recorded earlier, and I hopefully am out

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Speaker 1: on lake somewhere skiing and wakeboarding and not face planting,

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Speaker 1: but I could also be doing that. Um. But again,

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys are having the week need to

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Speaker 1: have and I will talk to you on Monday.