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Speaker 1: Hey guys, it's Jana. So this week's adult education we

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Speaker 1: recorded last week, but like all of you, we have

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Speaker 1: been watching and following the devastating news of the fires

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Speaker 1: in the Palisades and surrounding areas and it's just heartbreaking

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Speaker 1: to see what is happening in California and so on.

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Speaker 1: Behalf of the wind Down family, many of which you

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Speaker 1: know they're in California, and so just sending our love

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Speaker 1: and prayers to everyone affected, to the heroes fighting the fires.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for what you do, the first responders. And

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Speaker 1: I think now more than ever, is a time to pray,

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Speaker 1: a time to pray for those that have lost their

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Speaker 1: sacred homes. They're safe, their safe place, their belongings, some

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Speaker 1: their lives. To pray for all the families affected and

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Speaker 1: on behalf of the entire Windown family. Uh, We're sending

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Speaker 1: all of our love, all of our prayers to California right.

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Speaker 2: Now, wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast.

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Speaker 1: So people still ask how we met and because I

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Speaker 1: forget that, so no, babe, listen, I swear to you

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Speaker 1: because someone not like there was a few people that

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Speaker 1: will DM me and be like, so, how did you

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Speaker 1: guys meet again. Because here's the problem. I get as

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Speaker 1: many followers a day as I get unfollows, So I

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Speaker 1: get like a thousand new followers a day, and I

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Speaker 1: get a thousand unfollows a day, pretty much like if

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Speaker 1: I was looking at my statistics for how it's usually.

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Speaker 1: That's why I just like stay at that like two

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Speaker 1: million mark, because I I'll get just as many follows

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Speaker 1: as I get unfollows a day, So I'm getting new

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Speaker 1: people that feeltraight through from maybe seeing something from another

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Speaker 1: person's page or whatever, and they don't know our story,

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Speaker 1: and I forget that sometimes when people I'm like, how

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Speaker 1: do they not? But I'm like, oh, because they have

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Speaker 1: no idea really how they found me or how they

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Speaker 1: found us. Sir, She would just gave a brief little

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Speaker 1: snippet for those that I've just listened to this podcast.

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Speaker 3: Want me to summarize it quickly?

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Speaker 4: Sure, yeah, I DM you. You DMed me back, you

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Speaker 4: ignored me for a month. I stayed assistant, and then

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Speaker 4: the tides turned.

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Speaker 1: And the tides turn because I finally googled you and

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Speaker 1: I was like, damn, he's hot, winter fling. Here I come.

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Speaker 4: And then when you were not ignoring me because I

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Speaker 4: was on WhatsApp and you didn't have WhatsApp, but like,

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Speaker 4: you just needs to meet me. I don't know why

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Speaker 4: she's doing this, playing hard to get ship.

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Speaker 1: Well, you know what's really interesting is we actually just

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Speaker 1: had this converse the other day, and I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I think it was from a topic I was talking

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Speaker 1: to one of my girlfriends about where she was saying

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Speaker 1: that she feels like if she wasn't so persistent with

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Speaker 1: the guy, that maybe the guy would like her. And

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Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I think at the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: the guy's going to like you regardless if you respond

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Speaker 1: back like I don't like the whole game playing. I

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Speaker 1: don't like any of that. But there is something to

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Speaker 1: be said that I did not text you back right

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Speaker 1: away even when you DM me. It was at least

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Speaker 1: a week or two, and then when you what's at me,

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Speaker 1: it was I would say, oh hey, sorry, and then

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Speaker 1: two weeks later I'd be like, oh hey, sorry, yeah,

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Speaker 1: so what's your story? And it's like I really was

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Speaker 1: probably one of the first girls that didn't blow you

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Speaker 1: up right like right in the beginning when you reached

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Speaker 1: out right If you think back like, I'm sure you had,

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Speaker 1: so I think that might have worked in my favor.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't and I actually wasn't doing it on purpose.

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Speaker 1: I just a I wasn't in the mind frame of

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Speaker 1: dating for the first time in my life. Like I

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Speaker 1: was just like fine being single. B You lived in London. See,

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Speaker 1: I didn't have WhatsApp, so I didn't have that constant

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Speaker 1: notification on my phone. And also so then when I

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Speaker 1: kept going back and again you had your you were

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Speaker 1: private on your profile, so I couldn't really see your

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Speaker 1: picture too. I was just like, ah, soccer coach, like London,

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Speaker 1: like okay, but I never really googled you. So I

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Speaker 1: think that my lack of persistency actually worked in my

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Speaker 1: favor because you were then so persistent and kept blowing

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Speaker 1: me up.

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Speaker 3: Fst of all, that's a huge exaggeration.

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Speaker 1: Wait, I'm sorry. Can I please pull up some receipts

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Speaker 1: because I love a good receipt blowing you up, babe,

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Speaker 1: I have all the receipts.

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Speaker 3: Blue m be up with my life away.

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Speaker 1: You blew me up. It was like boom boom boom bo.

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Speaker 3: Why did you just say it's just silliness?

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Speaker 1: But I was all about But my question was like,

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Speaker 1: why were you so persistent when I clearly wasn't giving

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Speaker 1: you anything. What I was giving you, I was giving

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Speaker 1: you a nuggets.

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Speaker 3: I had this discussion in the car, didn't I.

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Speaker 1: Well, they didn't hear, and so I was like, was

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Speaker 1: it that I was just giving you little nuggets along

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Speaker 1: the weast it was?

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Speaker 4: There was probably a little part of it was like

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Speaker 4: there was probably a couple of different parts, one of

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Speaker 4: them being.

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Speaker 3: She thinks she is ignoring me.

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Speaker 1: I'm superior striker, I'm the best striker coach in the world.

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Speaker 3: The second part would probably be like I like a challenge.

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Speaker 3: Old part would have been.

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Speaker 4: It was probably not that it wasn't busy, because I

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Speaker 4: was at Norwich at the time when I was really

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Speaker 4: busy every day. But I'd come home and I would

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Speaker 4: have probably a lot less to think about than what

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Speaker 4: you did. So I'd be like, I'll touch base, see

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Speaker 4: how she has. And again I was always polite, just

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Speaker 4: checking in because I knew we would eventually meet. Don't

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Speaker 4: ask me how maybe we can our next guest can

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Speaker 4: and elaborate on that. But yeah, I knew we would

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Speaker 4: find we would eventually meet. Once you got your ship together.

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Speaker 1: You knew we would eventually, you knew we would eventually meet.

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Speaker 3: Looking on your phone for the d MS, I'm going to.

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Speaker 1: I'm absolutely going to because then I'm gonna then I'm

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Speaker 1: going to play the voice note that you left me

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Speaker 1: on here?

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Speaker 3: Will you? Will you say that you want Scottish?

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, because we went Russian, I'm going to do it.

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Speaker 1: It's you texted me, and because I just thought you

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Speaker 1: were British or London British. Yeah, so I then then

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Speaker 1: you voice noted me. I was like, oh, what is

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Speaker 1: this accent? And it was like a normal accent and

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Speaker 1: that all of a sudden the next voice note, I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh yeah, Johnna, I forgot to mention I'm

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Speaker 1: actually Scottish. I hope you have a lovely day. And

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Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, did he just put that on thick?

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Speaker 1: Like try?

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Speaker 3: You said? I even know what that accent is.

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Speaker 1: Ah, it's good and I'm going to find it, don't you.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I have receipts from IRIS. Is that bad

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Speaker 1: that I keep my receipts just in case? Receipts forul Oh,

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Speaker 1: I got receipts for like all sorts of different things.

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Speaker 1: Receipts messages proof some things.

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Speaker 3: Cycle.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, what a compliment.

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Speaker 4: But you called me a cycle because we're talking about

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Speaker 4: Christmas presents and how I like the pressure of knowing

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Speaker 4: there's only two of something in the whole world and

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Speaker 4: I leave it late because I want to get one

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Speaker 4: of them.

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Speaker 1: Well, it was a beautiful Christmas, so thank you. But

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Speaker 1: let's take a break, and speaking of dating, we have

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Speaker 1: doctor Christy.

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Speaker 3: Go ahead, Kytherian.

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Speaker 1: She's got a book coming out called Ten Dates to

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Speaker 1: Your Soulmate, a celebrity matchmaker's guide from from first Wipe

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Speaker 1: to Forever. Take a break and get her on. Hello, Hi,

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Speaker 1: how are you so good?

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Speaker 2: So nice to meet you guys. Thanks for having me.

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, thank you so much for coming on.

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Speaker 1: And we'll just hop right into it. I was when

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Speaker 1: I was reading your bio. So when you say you

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Speaker 1: were a former matchmaker for e Harmony, what does that mean, Like,

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Speaker 1: were you like the computerized actual version person like putting

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Speaker 1: people together.

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Speaker 2: No, they actually had a service where people could kind

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Speaker 2: of invest more and have an individual person working with

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Speaker 2: them to match them. So we used the algorithm, but

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Speaker 2: then from their matches, we kind of went on the

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Speaker 2: dates for them we're all therapists, so we kind of assessed,

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Speaker 2: you know, red flags things they were looking for, and

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Speaker 2: then we personally connected them with their compatible matches. So

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Speaker 2: it was like a service with an e harmony.

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Speaker 1: I love that. So I had this dating idea called

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Speaker 1: for them where it was like, because my mom, you know,

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Speaker 1: she's on like she was on when she was on

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Speaker 1: e harmony, in batch dot com, all those things, you know.

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Speaker 1: She was like, I don't want to go through the

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Speaker 1: process of going through everybody, and I'm like, well, I'll

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Speaker 1: do it, you know, like this would be so fun.

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Speaker 1: And I actually went on and I started to connect

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Speaker 1: her with people, and sheind up dating one of the

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Speaker 1: guys for a couple of months. But I went on,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, this is her daughter and this is

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Speaker 1: what she likes and la dah dah dah. And so

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Speaker 1: I thought it'd be really cool to do like a

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Speaker 1: a website like for them. But I just never follow

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Speaker 1: through with it because I'm not an actual dating expert.

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Speaker 1: I've just had about it a lot of bad dates,

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Speaker 1: a lot of good ones that ended up being you know, uh,

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Speaker 1: the forever. So your book is coming out. It's called

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Speaker 1: Ten Dates to Your soulmate, How are you married? What's

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Speaker 1: your background? First?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm in Mayor, I read five years now. I

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Speaker 2: went through my own dating journey kind of a parallel

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Speaker 2: to a lot of my clients. So I was single,

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Speaker 2: I was a matchmaker and learning alongside them. Okay, what

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Speaker 2: am I looking for? What am I not looking for?

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Speaker 2: Just navigating modern dating, and I didn't expect to be

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Speaker 2: single kind of going into my thirties, So I had

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Speaker 2: this like identity shift of Okay, this is different than

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Speaker 2: I imagine, just based on my background and kind of

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Speaker 2: what my family and friends all their past marriage and

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Speaker 2: becoming a therapist and a matchmaker kind of gave me

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Speaker 2: a lot more insight. And I just knew a lot

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Speaker 2: of things that could go wrong.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 2: It's like when you're a doctor or nurse or whatever,

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Speaker 2: you kind of know all the worst case scenarios that

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Speaker 2: could happen in a medical sense, and it's the same

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Speaker 2: thing when you're a therapist or you're in the dating world.

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Speaker 2: So I felt like I had to kind of go

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Speaker 2: on a journey of understanding what's a red flag? What's

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Speaker 2: the process of understanding Okay, this person checks everything on

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Speaker 2: the list on a paper, but what do they actually

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Speaker 2: look like in real life? What is their character like?

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Speaker 2: And then I develop this strategy that now I've helped.

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Speaker 2: You know, thousands of women particularly navigate the dating modern

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Speaker 2: dating landscape when they have values that are more traditional

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Speaker 2: or they just want to kind of have that route

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Speaker 2: of marriage, children and a healthy relationship.

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Speaker 1: What do you think the biggest dating mistakes.

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Speaker 2: Are I think, especially with dating apps, that people often

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Speaker 2: assume that when you're looking at our profile, you should

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Speaker 2: be thinking, Okay, is this person my future husband or wife,

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Speaker 2: when really the only question you should be asking is

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Speaker 2: can I see myself going on a date with this person?

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Speaker 2: Am I interested in learning more? Because often people are

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Speaker 2: really quick to judge, and I think social media dating

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Speaker 2: apps really put us in that landscape of Okay, this

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Speaker 2: guy's hair looks weird, or you know, he said this

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Speaker 2: corny joke on the dating app, so.

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Speaker 3: Not a fit.

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Speaker 2: Whereas we don't really know someone in the three dimensional sense.

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Speaker 2: I think people often feel like they really know themselves,

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Speaker 2: they know what they want, they know what doesn't fit.

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Speaker 2: And I share about this in the book. But people

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Speaker 2: on a first date, typically the average is it takes

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Speaker 2: about nineteen minutes for them to decide they don't want

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Speaker 2: to meet that person or go on another date. And

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Speaker 2: I think that that really is a disadvantage to getting

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Speaker 2: to humanizing other people and understanding, you know, there's a

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Speaker 2: lot more to someone. Maybe they fell nervous, maybe they're

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Speaker 2: awkward or uncomfortable, and we need to give people more

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Speaker 2: time to really understand if they're a good fit for

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Speaker 2: us or not. So I think those really quick judgments

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Speaker 2: can often really be a disadvantage for us, and it

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Speaker 2: doesn't give us a chance to really know somebody. It

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Speaker 2: feels like, well, we can just keep swiping and see

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Speaker 2: if there's somebody better out there.

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Speaker 4: Your book's called ten Dates your Soulmate. What can you

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Speaker 4: define what you think is a soul met Yeah.

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Speaker 2: One of the reasons that I particularly put that word

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Speaker 2: in the title is because I think often our idea

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Speaker 2: of a soulmate is really different than what it truly

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Speaker 2: is in my definition. But I think pop culture, you know,

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Speaker 2: romantic comedies, all of those things kind of paint a

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Speaker 2: soulmate as someone who just one hundred percent aligns with you.

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Speaker 2: Right when you meet them, you know that they're the

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Speaker 2: person that you know meets all of your requirements, they

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Speaker 2: fit all of your gaps, all of your weaknesses or

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Speaker 2: their strengths, and it's just a perfect fit. When actually

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Speaker 2: I think that soulmates are really created instead of found.

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Speaker 2: So it's this dynamic where you meet someone and you

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Speaker 2: understand that there's that connection there, but there's also that

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Speaker 2: idea that we can grow with this person, and we

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Speaker 2: feel like when I see this person, I see someone

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Speaker 2: that's not just you know, checking off all the boxes,

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Speaker 2: but somebody that I can learn with more about myself,

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Speaker 2: more about them. I can see kind of our futures

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Speaker 2: aligning with our vision and values, and I can really

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Speaker 2: say that no matter what life throws at us, we

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Speaker 2: can work on, you know, getting ourselves to a place

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Speaker 2: where we're in a happy relationship. I think sometimes people

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Speaker 2: feel that a soulmate should just be the perfect person

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Speaker 2: right away, but really it's that growth and seeing, Okay,

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Speaker 2: can is this person willing to grow? And can I

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Speaker 2: see myself doing that alongside that? Because we don't know

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Speaker 2: what life is going to bring, but sometimes we have

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Speaker 2: to really say okay. A lot of people say, you know,

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Speaker 2: don't date potential, but I often say everyone is potential

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Speaker 2: for something in the future because we don't know what

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Speaker 2: life is going to bring. So understanding that someone's potential

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Speaker 2: is something that you can align with because you're coming

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Speaker 2: from that place of connection alignment and you both want

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Speaker 2: the same thing.

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Speaker 1: You're saying in your book ten dates or less. Now,

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Speaker 1: some we really like is this truth value right here?

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Speaker 2: Like?

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Speaker 1: Or is this are we going to is someone going

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Speaker 1: to do this?

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Speaker 4: Read this?

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Speaker 1: And then actually you think find their soulmate in ten

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Speaker 1: dates or less?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that if you're going through the dating

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Speaker 2: process with the intention and understanding do I have connection

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Speaker 2: chemistry and I really want to learn someone's character, you

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Speaker 2: can really know if someone has that potential to go

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Speaker 2: at the distance. Not necessarily saying you should get married

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Speaker 2: after ten dates, because obviously you need to learn about

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Speaker 2: somebody throughout the seasons. You need to know that their

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Speaker 2: characters consistent over time and different experiences, But by ten dates,

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Speaker 2: we recommend that that's the time that you commit in

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Speaker 2: an exclusive relationship with someone, once you've gone through all

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Speaker 2: the steps that we map out in the book. And

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Speaker 2: so that really kind of comes down to you're getting

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Speaker 2: to know someone, you're through conversation. You're also getting to

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Speaker 2: know them through context and observation. And I think this

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Speaker 2: is really something that gets missed a lot. People assume

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Speaker 2: if I just sit across this person from dinner and

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Speaker 2: hear about them and let them tell me about them,

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Speaker 2: then I'm going to learn everything there is to know,

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Speaker 2: And that's really not the case, especially with people that

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Speaker 2: are good at talking or good at and all of

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Speaker 2: us are good at self representation and wanting to put

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Speaker 2: our best pay it forward. But we have to learn

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Speaker 2: about somebody in context and know how to observe them

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Speaker 2: kind of in their natural environment. So I talk about

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Speaker 2: that in the book as well, and then in the

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Speaker 2: later part of the dating, it's really about understanding alignment

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Speaker 2: and saying does this person want the same things that

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Speaker 2: I want? And how do we have these conversations in

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Speaker 2: a way that doesn't feel off putting, but that helps

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Speaker 2: us be more connected and helps like two individual independent

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Speaker 2: people really feel like, Okay, I can be myself with

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Speaker 2: this person and we can tolerate differences, but we are

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Speaker 2: going in the same direction. We're in the same book,

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Speaker 2: and we are going to want the same things long term.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 1: What would you define as the like the biggest red

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Speaker 1: flags that you see early dating.

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Speaker 2: I think in early dating, a really big red flag

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Speaker 2: is not wanting to understand and listen and learn about

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Speaker 2: the other person. Oftentimes they'll have clients say, you know,

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Speaker 2: he talked the whole time about himself, and I think

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Speaker 2: sometimes that is nerves. So I always recommend taking that

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Speaker 2: with a grain of salt. But oftentimes, if you can't

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Speaker 2: make space for somebody else's wants, needs, differences, and you

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Speaker 2: don't have that intention and desire to really learn about them,

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Speaker 2: that's often a really early red flag because sometimes, and

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Speaker 2: especially women that I work with, we're used to shrinking ourselves.

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Speaker 2: We're used to changing our desires and preferences. I even

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Speaker 2: joke about, you know, if you see someone put their

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Speaker 2: favorite band or whatever their Spotify list and you're like

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Speaker 2: googling and trying to learn about that and trying to say, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I know about this band or I love hiking too,

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Speaker 2: because we all want to be loved. But if we're

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Speaker 2: not able to tolerate differences, then that's where we get

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Speaker 2: into trouble later on in the relationship, because you are

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Speaker 2: going to have needs, you are going to take up space,

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Speaker 2: and that's when people like this that kind of show

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Speaker 2: those red flags early on might be taken it back

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Speaker 2: because they're like, wait, I thought you were the cool

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Speaker 2: girl that liked all the things I like. You don't

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Speaker 2: have any needs or wants or desires, and that becomes

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Speaker 2: a problem later on your relationship. So I always recommend

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Speaker 2: you know, be your full self, you know, share your opinions,

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Speaker 2: be your authentic self early on. If that's not a

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Speaker 2: fit for the person, then you're not going to You're

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Speaker 2: not trying to get that personal like you. You're trying

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Speaker 2: to kind of create a healthy relationship. So I think

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Speaker 2: that's a mindset shift we have to understand when we're

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Speaker 2: seeing those red flags early on where people don't really

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Speaker 2: want to make space or learn about who you are.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 3: So, I'll get two questions that kind of I am

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Speaker 3: relative to us. The first one is, so.

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Speaker 4: If you're get into a date or a dating period

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Speaker 4: where you have a system in place, how much does

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Speaker 4: that Because that's what Jane, that's what you have. You've

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Speaker 4: got a system in place. How do you go into

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Speaker 4: a date without I mean, how do you still be yourself?

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Speaker 4: Known that you've got this system in place that you

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Speaker 4: have to work by or a framework that you have

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Speaker 4: to work with.

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Speaker 3: I feel like I would probably struggle a little bit with.

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Speaker 4: Properly enjoying myself of being genuine No, right, okay, I

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Speaker 4: need I'm going to stick to this system. But also

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Speaker 4: on the other side of that, anything that's done properly

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Speaker 4: in life has a system behind it.

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Speaker 3: So I get the.

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Speaker 4: I get why it's important for people get into the dating. Well,

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Speaker 4: my only thing would be about constantly thinking about how

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Speaker 4: I should do things. Does it take away from who

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Speaker 4: I am? So that's my first question. Does it take

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Speaker 4: away from who the genuine person that's behind it. The

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Speaker 4: second question is how do you advise people to handle

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Speaker 4: like I've been on dates where I know straight away

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Speaker 4: I'm like, oh no, how to get out of this?

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Speaker 3: And so in that situation I would be.

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Speaker 4: And that's maybe totally wrong, But again, your advice on

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Speaker 4: it for people that's lesson them would be really important.

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Speaker 4: I would just feel a lesson. I'm really sorry. I

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Speaker 4: don't want to waste your time. I don't want to

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Speaker 4: waste my time.

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Speaker 3: This is not for me.

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Speaker 2: I might yeah, yeah, those are great questions. So what

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Speaker 2: I usually say is that dating needs a strategy, like

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Speaker 2: everything else. I think what we have come to believe

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Speaker 2: about dating and love, you know, from a lot of

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Speaker 2: different sources in society, is that it should just be

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Speaker 2: magical and we can all just kind of like show

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Speaker 2: up and then everything's going to run its course. We're

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Speaker 2: going to know right away if someone's a right person.

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Speaker 2: But oftentimes the strategy and structure, what I've found is

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Speaker 2: that it helps people just relax a little bit more

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Speaker 2: in dating sometimes, and I think especially for women, we

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Speaker 2: show up to the first date and we have this

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Speaker 2: checklist and we try to figure out, Okay, how am

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Speaker 2: I going to get to know if this person wants

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Speaker 2: a family or not in like a not weird way

401
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Speaker 2: so they don't think I'm interrogating them or investigate. And

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Speaker 2: it's hard because we're in our head trying to figure

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Speaker 2: things out, and we're also trying to build chemistry and

404
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Speaker 2: be ourselves. So the system and the strategy is actually

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Speaker 2: designed to help you leave the checklist at home and

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Speaker 2: focus on how you're feeling with this person. But you

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Speaker 2: still have an intention. So an example is when I

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Speaker 2: talk about, you know, date three is what I call

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Speaker 2: like a context date, So this is where you're wanting

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Speaker 2: to see somebody kind of interacting with an environment. Maybe

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Speaker 2: you're going to the farmer's market or something like that,

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Speaker 2: but your intention around the date is to really see, Okay,

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Speaker 2: how does this person interact with other people? Like, you know,

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Speaker 2: they say that they're really generous, but when I want

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Speaker 2: to buy this thirty dollars candle for my cousin at

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Speaker 2: the farmer's recort, they're like, oh my goodness, you's been

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Speaker 2: thirty dollars. So it's in these like real life interactions

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Speaker 2: that that's where you learn about a person. So instead

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Speaker 2: of thinking, Okay, I need to do this, this and

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Speaker 2: this on the date, it's more about I'm going in

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Speaker 2: it intentionally to learn about their character on this date,

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Speaker 2: not like Okay, I have to make sure I ask

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Speaker 2: this question or that question. We obviously give those ideas,

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Speaker 2: but overall, you just want to be intentional about the

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Speaker 2: dating process instead of just kind of figuring it out

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Speaker 2: as we go, because that sometimes what gets people in

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Speaker 2: relationships that they look back and they're like, wait, I

428
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Speaker 2: never figured out if this person, you know, cares about

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Speaker 2: this political issue or things that are important to you.

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Speaker 2: And it's because we don't really have that strategy or

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Speaker 2: system in place. And the second thing I think is

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Speaker 2: really an interesting perspective, especially from a man. Usually research

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Speaker 2: tells us that within the first date, men typically know

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Speaker 2: if there's chemistry, but women take around like five to

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Speaker 2: seven dates to really understand if there's that chemistry and connection.

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Speaker 2: What I recommend before a first date, and usually I

437
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Speaker 2: recommend this up until the third date, is that you

438
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:49,200
Speaker 2: bookend a date. So sometimes people think, oh, I should

439
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,640
Speaker 2: go on this amazing first date and it should last

440
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,080
Speaker 2: five hours and we just can't get enough of each other.

441
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,280
Speaker 2: And what I say is that dating takes momentum, So

442
00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,880
Speaker 2: even if you have the best time ever, we want

443
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,000
Speaker 2: to make that a shorter amount of time because we

444
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,880
Speaker 2: want to see what happens next. You know, sometimes people

445
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,800
Speaker 2: think they have the best first date, but the person

446
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 2: never calls them bad, and then they waste it all

447
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,120
Speaker 2: that time and energy just building that up. But then

448
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 2: I really want to see them on the second date,

449
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,600
Speaker 2: on the fifth date, on the tenth date. So I

450
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,200
Speaker 2: recommend ahead of the date saying oh, yeah, I'm open

451
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 2: for drinks, but you know, I have a friend's birthdate

452
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,639
Speaker 2: after that, so you know, you kind of bookend it.

453
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,000
Speaker 2: So even if it's you know, not a good fit,

454
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,040
Speaker 2: there's not that connection. You're not committing to like a

455
00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:33,080
Speaker 2: four hour dinner and then a movie or whatever on

456
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,320
Speaker 2: a first date. So that's typically what I recommend for

457
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,800
Speaker 2: people to do. Another idea that kind of came out

458
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,760
Speaker 2: of COVID dating is having like a FaceTime what I

459
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,960
Speaker 2: call vibe check. So this isn't like a whole date

460
00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:47,600
Speaker 2: like in the COVID days, but it's kind of just like, hey,

461
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:50,320
Speaker 2: can we have a quick chat over FaceTime? So you

462
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,520
Speaker 2: make sure someone's not you know, catfishing you, or their

463
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,560
Speaker 2: pictures aren't ten years old, or you just don't connect

464
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,679
Speaker 2: with them you think their voice is weird or whatever

465
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,439
Speaker 2: it is. And so that saves you that time and energy,

466
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,159
Speaker 2: and for women, you know, the effort and getting ready

467
00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 2: and so you don't get as discouraged.

468
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,000
Speaker 1: After that one thousand percent. I tell I have a

469
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:13,520
Speaker 1: girlfriend that is divorced, like over she's like almost two

470
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,080
Speaker 1: years divorced, and every single time I'm like, would you

471
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,639
Speaker 1: please stop going on the dates? And then because like

472
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,600
Speaker 1: we FaceTime them first, Because every time she facetimes them,

473
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:26,439
Speaker 1: she realizes, oh okay, I'm like. Then she goes out

474
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 1: and she's like, oh I just feel like I just

475
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,720
Speaker 1: wasted them. I'm like yeah, because like, did you FaceTime before?

476
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,080
Speaker 1: And she's like no, I just like we had a

477
00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:33,960
Speaker 1: really good like textic, so I thought it'd be fine.

478
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,480
Speaker 1: And then like you know, when I saw it and

479
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,280
Speaker 1: they hung out and I was like, oh, it wasn't there.

480
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,600
Speaker 1: I'm like, you could, like I promise you can tell

481
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,800
Speaker 1: before and that's like what I did, what we did,

482
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,720
Speaker 1: because I'm like, before this man flies across the country,

483
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:48,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, you gotta FaceTime, you know, and there's just

484
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:50,399
Speaker 1: you gotta at least know okay, because I believe there

485
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,720
Speaker 1: has to be some sort of physical for me at

486
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,160
Speaker 1: least I need some I need to be physically attracted

487
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,480
Speaker 1: in some sort of way to have the spark and

488
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:02,240
Speaker 1: the er and excitement and all of it. So I'm

489
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:04,840
Speaker 1: I'm like the biggest advocate. I'm like, before you go,

490
00:25:05,119 --> 00:25:07,120
Speaker 1: even if it's just like five minutes, just to be like, okay,

491
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 1: you guys are both like like what you're seeing another line.

492
00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:13,639
Speaker 1: But then also it's that's not the end all, be all,

493
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,800
Speaker 1: because I've we've obviously FaceTime with other people before, and

494
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,440
Speaker 1: then you meet and then you realize, okay, it's not

495
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:21,000
Speaker 1: the person, but like even with him, like yeah, obviously,

496
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:23,439
Speaker 1: I you know, Alan, I thought you were so handsome

497
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,400
Speaker 1: and we had a good thing, but in person there's

498
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,440
Speaker 1: such a dynamic too, and like what if that isn't

499
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,480
Speaker 1: there in person and that it could be weird then

500
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 1: as well. But I do think that FaceTime is a

501
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 1: good first check.

502
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, if someone fails the FaceTime test, you just.

503
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,760
Speaker 1: I'm usually what I did if someone failed the FaceTime

504
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,479
Speaker 1: is I would just say like, oh, something came up

505
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,160
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't end up and then be like, hey,

506
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:47,879
Speaker 1: I'm not really ready to date yet. That was always

507
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:49,560
Speaker 1: kind of like my go to I'm just not ready yet,

508
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,680
Speaker 1: and I realized like I just need some more time

509
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:56,800
Speaker 1: or yeah, it's always so weird to like talk about

510
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,600
Speaker 1: dating like the husband, right.

511
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:03,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm thought I didn't get that uh not ready line.

512
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,119
Speaker 1: Do you think there's a because we even got a

513
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:13,200
Speaker 1: lot of not hate, but just we moved fast, which

514
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:16,280
Speaker 1: some people can say is a big red flag. And

515
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 1: I see I see both sides of it. I see

516
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,960
Speaker 1: the gas lighting person that's like you're my soulmate. Everything's

517
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:26,280
Speaker 1: very fast, And I've definitely had that side too, but

518
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 1: I also believe because of what we've what we have

519
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,680
Speaker 1: now is that there is beauty in it too and

520
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:37,720
Speaker 1: it's not all just that it is real too, and

521
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,840
Speaker 1: that that can happen as well. So like what do

522
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,200
Speaker 1: you say to that where it's like the haters, but

523
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,399
Speaker 1: also like it can happen as well, Like I've had

524
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 1: people be like I've We've been married for twenty years

525
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:50,000
Speaker 1: and we knew each other for a few a few months. Yeah.

526
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,639
Speaker 2: I always say that if you're dating with support, like

527
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,119
Speaker 2: you have people around you that are going to be

528
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,639
Speaker 2: honest with you, hold you accountable. Maybe you have a

529
00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 2: therapist or just someone that's going to kind of help

530
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,640
Speaker 2: walk you through the process see potential blind spots. You're

531
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,960
Speaker 2: willing to and you're open to that feedback. I think

532
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:10,280
Speaker 2: that the time necessarily doesn't matter as much. It's more

533
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,600
Speaker 2: about kind of what you're doing within that time, which

534
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,600
Speaker 2: is what I really talk about in the book. You know,

535
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 2: someone can go on ten days, they can date for

536
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 2: three years, but they don't go to that depth or

537
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,719
Speaker 2: really understand that level of intimacy, and other people are

538
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 2: able to build that really quickly in a relationship. I

539
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,119
Speaker 2: do think you need a little bit of time to

540
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,679
Speaker 2: really understand that someone is who they say they are

541
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 2: in different context and over time period and getting that

542
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,000
Speaker 2: sometimes it's meeting their friends and family or whatever that

543
00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 2: looks like for you. But I don't necessarily think, especially

544
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,320
Speaker 2: if you're meeting a little bit later in life. So

545
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:45,800
Speaker 2: I work with a lot of people, you know, mid thirties, forties, fifties,

546
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 2: I don't really think that it necessarily takes as much

547
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,720
Speaker 2: time because you already know who you are. Maybe you've

548
00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:55,000
Speaker 2: been through relationships, you've been through what hasn't worked, You're

549
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,679
Speaker 2: aware of all the red flags. So sometimes I actually

550
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,720
Speaker 2: see more of a tendency towards avoidance. It's like, oh,

551
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,560
Speaker 2: I'm gonna just avoid commitment. I'm going to avoid that

552
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,480
Speaker 2: connection because I'm so scared of being hurt again or

553
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 2: being betrayed. So I actually think it's sometimes healthier to

554
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,960
Speaker 2: lean in and understand, Okay, there might be some things

555
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,440
Speaker 2: and nobody's perfect, but I'm going to commit to working

556
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,679
Speaker 2: with that person and leaning more into connection rather than, oh,

557
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,879
Speaker 2: they did something I'm nervous about, I'm just gonna call

558
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 2: it off like right away. So I think that sometimes

559
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:27,359
Speaker 2: it takes that growth and healing. But if you have

560
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 2: the right support, you can make it through that.

561
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes sense to the hopeless girl that's like,

562
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,560
Speaker 1: I am exhausted, I want, I want to find my person.

563
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,520
Speaker 1: What would you say to them?

564
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:45,000
Speaker 2: I always say, I've been there, so I understand. And

565
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:48,400
Speaker 2: I think that if you're able to really look at yourself,

566
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:51,360
Speaker 2: as hard as that is, first and understand what your

567
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 2: roadblocks and blind and blind spots are. There's a famous

568
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,440
Speaker 2: Roomy quote that says, you know, your job isn't to

569
00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:00,320
Speaker 2: seek love, it's to understand all the blocks that you

570
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,640
Speaker 2: have inside yourself and remove those. And I think that

571
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,560
Speaker 2: sometimes that's the hard work, right. It's easy to blame

572
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,800
Speaker 2: the dating apps or say there's nobody good left or

573
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,160
Speaker 2: whatever that is, But sometimes the hard work is understanding

574
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,400
Speaker 2: where am I blocking myself or finding love. Maybe I've

575
00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:19,040
Speaker 2: made it a story that I don't want to meet

576
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,640
Speaker 2: my person this way, so I'm not going to go

577
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:24,080
Speaker 2: on a dating app, or you know, there's I'm just

578
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,200
Speaker 2: committed to my career and the wrong relationship we get

579
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 2: in the way of that. Whatever your story is, I

580
00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 2: think being able to rewrite that narrative and look into okay, like,

581
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 2: maybe I am willing to try this thing even if

582
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,160
Speaker 2: it might get hurt. Sometimes it's easier to not try

583
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,400
Speaker 2: or feel like you're we're externalizing the blame and saying

584
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,720
Speaker 2: it's this, this, and this, because then we don't have

585
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:47,240
Speaker 2: to kind of deal with what's going on internally. So

586
00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 2: I always say, like, you know, get with a friend,

587
00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:52,360
Speaker 2: a therapist, somebody that can kind of walk you through

588
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,200
Speaker 2: maybe this is a pattern that we're seeing and maybe

589
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 2: there's one step I can take, you know, to try

590
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 2: something different and that might change the trajector for you.

591
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:03,600
Speaker 2: So I think that sometimes there's more blocks within us

592
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 2: than we want to recognize, and that's what's keeping us

593
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,720
Speaker 2: from kind of the external finding the right person.

594
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:15,360
Speaker 1: I love that answer. Closing, what is your favorite Obviously

595
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,480
Speaker 1: your favorite book is Ten Dates to your Soulmates, But

596
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:20,320
Speaker 1: what is your favorite app for dating?

597
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,280
Speaker 2: So I'm biased because I met my husband on Bumble

598
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,720
Speaker 2: since what I do love Bumble and I do love

599
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:31,120
Speaker 2: a lot of their features for especially women that are

600
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 2: a little bit scared to date. So they have like

601
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,960
Speaker 2: an incognito feature where you only see people, they only

602
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:38,680
Speaker 2: see you if you swipe right on them. They have

603
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 2: like the travel feature, and their premium has a lot

604
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,920
Speaker 2: of ways that you can kind of filter out people

605
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:47,040
Speaker 2: that aren't a fit. So I do love Bumble because

606
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:49,520
Speaker 2: I met my husband on there, and obviously Harmony I

607
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,560
Speaker 2: worked there, and I think their algorithm really started this

608
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,320
Speaker 2: whole movement that has created a lot of love out there.

609
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,960
Speaker 2: So those are my two favorite. But I always say

610
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,640
Speaker 2: the dating app is a tool, so it's just about

611
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:02,960
Speaker 2: learning to use the tool in the right way, and

612
00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,240
Speaker 2: you could use you could find love on any app.

613
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 1: Yep, agreed. Well, thank you so much for coming on. Everybody,

614
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,040
Speaker 1: you can pre order now, but ten dates to your Soulmate,

615
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:15,640
Speaker 1: A celebrity matchmaker's guide from first swipe to forever. Thank

616
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:17,959
Speaker 1: you so much for coming on. Thank you so much

617
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:22,000
Speaker 1: for having me bie girl. Okay, so I just have

618
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 1: to did you see me going like that on my phone?

619
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,760
Speaker 1: Or I just have to receive a few things just

620
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:30,920
Speaker 1: because I think it's fun.

621
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,480
Speaker 3: I don't want those things in the public domain.

622
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:40,160
Speaker 1: Well, unfortunately, your wife is very public. October third, I

623
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:45,880
Speaker 1: say hey, it's Janna on WHAT'SPP You say hey, beautiful ooh,

624
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,760
Speaker 1: and then we have a little conversation and then I

625
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:51,840
Speaker 1: go away, and then you send me a voice note

626
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,400
Speaker 1: which I won't play because I just had to. I

627
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:57,760
Speaker 1: just had to do the Scottish farm. Please please come on?

628
00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 1: And then I go, hey, I'm so sorry, I'm never

629
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,600
Speaker 1: on WhatsApp. Also, what's with this amazing accent? And I

630
00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:08,920
Speaker 1: go ha, like a doughnut? And then can I say it?

631
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:09,160
Speaker 3: No?

632
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:09,800
Speaker 2: Come on?

633
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:12,200
Speaker 1: Come on?

634
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:13,640
Speaker 3: No please?

635
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:14,160
Speaker 2: No?

636
00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:24,640
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, it's not a nice supotation's funny. Yeah, I

637
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:29,600
Speaker 3: hope you're hold. I'm going to get you back for this.

638
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:32,440
Speaker 3: I am going to get you back for this.

639
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:35,280
Speaker 4: Oh.

640
00:32:35,800 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 1: And then I didn't text back for a while.

641
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:39,200
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, how rude was that.

642
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:42,680
Speaker 1: I didn't then text you back for like a couple

643
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,720
Speaker 1: of days, and I was like, and you said something

644
00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:46,840
Speaker 1: about a video chat. I'm like, yeah, video chat next week.

645
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 1: And then you say you're saying and then and then

646
00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:55,160
Speaker 1: it's actually we're eleven Sorber fifteenth, Chember nineteen twenty second,

647
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,959
Speaker 1: November fourth, Oh, and then November eighteenth is finally when

648
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:00,479
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, I'm so sorry, I'm never here.

649
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:02,800
Speaker 3: I love how you're just stroking your own ego here.

650
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:07,000
Speaker 1: Maybe we fill in love. It's great, but I'm saying

651
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,640
Speaker 1: maybe girls this is it. This is like because it

652
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,280
Speaker 1: was driving you nuts that I wasn't responding to you

653
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,560
Speaker 1: because you always got what you wanted when you wanted it.

654
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:20,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, ladies, just be careful because somethings your stupidity will

655
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 4: ruin things.

656
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: And then but then I but on the night of

657
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,240
Speaker 1: November seventeenth, I googled you, and then on the eighteenth

658
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:35,000
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, oh, I'm sorry because were you

659
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:44,680
Speaker 1: dating some at the time. Money Anyways, Anna Eastern Lessa's war.

660
00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 4: War with what Okay, I'm going to come with a

661
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 4: backpack full of ammunition. Okay to the next podcast.

662
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 1: Well, on that note, a do you guys next week