1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:13,320
Speaker 1: M H. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast,

2
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:18,720
Speaker 1: a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all

3
00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,400
Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best

4
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,760
Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard

5
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:30,560
Speaker 1: and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more

6
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:34,640
Speaker 1: information or to find a therapist in your area, visit

7
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:38,760
Speaker 1: our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While

8
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,479
Speaker 1: I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast,

9
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,080
Speaker 1: it is not meant to be a substitute for relationship

10
00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:57,080
Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so

11
00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,360
Speaker 1: much for joining me for session two oh one of

12
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,600
Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girl's podcast. We'll dive into the

13
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:16,119
Speaker 1: episode right after a word from our sponsors. Like many

14
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,119
Speaker 1: of you, I have been paying attention to my timelines

15
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,520
Speaker 1: this past week watching the story unfold as it relates

16
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,760
Speaker 1: to self proclaimed relationship expert Derrick Jackson, and I felt

17
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,160
Speaker 1: a rant forming in my spirit, So of course I

18
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,440
Speaker 1: had to invite Dr Donna orio Will back to chat

19
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,720
Speaker 1: with me all about it. In case you've missed her before.

20
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:42,120
Speaker 1: Dr orio Wi is an author, international speaker, and certified

21
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:45,840
Speaker 1: sex and relationship therapists in the Washington, d C. Metro area.

22
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,160
Speaker 1: She's the owner of a nod Right and specializes in

23
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,080
Speaker 1: working with black women on issues related to colorism and

24
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:56,240
Speaker 1: texturism and its impact on mental and sexual health. She's

25
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:59,320
Speaker 1: also the author of Cocoa Butter and Hair Grease, a

26
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:03,160
Speaker 1: self love journey through hair and skin. Dr orio O

27
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,240
Speaker 1: and I chatted about who gets the privilege of amassing

28
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:10,160
Speaker 1: large platforms to teach black women about what they need

29
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,160
Speaker 1: to do to be in relationships, why these teachings are

30
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,120
Speaker 1: often dangerous and damaging, how to disconnect our sense of

31
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,880
Speaker 1: worth from our relationship status, and why you are the

32
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:24,360
Speaker 1: only one who can ever be an expert on your relationship.

33
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,920
Speaker 1: If there's something that resonates with you while enjoying our conversation,

34
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,840
Speaker 1: please share with us on social media using the hashtag

35
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:39,280
Speaker 1: tbg in session. Here's our conversation. So I'm so glad

36
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,760
Speaker 1: that you are back with us today, Dr Ori. Well,

37
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:45,520
Speaker 1: it has been a minute but always on time for

38
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:49,840
Speaker 1: you to join us for yet another lively conversation. I

39
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:54,560
Speaker 1: am sure so makes me feel like I'm related to Jesus.

40
00:02:54,600 --> 00:03:00,720
Speaker 1: Always on time, always on time. So I am sure

41
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,280
Speaker 1: you like the rest of us have been paying attention

42
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,200
Speaker 1: to all of what has been going on on social

43
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:10,760
Speaker 1: media this past week related to Derek Jackson and here shenanigans.

44
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:15,440
Speaker 1: So we are going to kind of talk not specifically

45
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,840
Speaker 1: necessarily about all the stuff going on with him, but

46
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,800
Speaker 1: I think more of like what he represents. So the

47
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,519
Speaker 1: first question I have for you, and this is a

48
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:26,520
Speaker 1: question Cindy and I have been noodling on this whole week.

49
00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:29,440
Speaker 1: Are you able to think of any black woman who

50
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:34,200
Speaker 1: has the same level of a platform to dispense dating

51
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:39,840
Speaker 1: and relationship advice quote unquote that is comfortable to his goodness?

52
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:44,000
Speaker 1: You can ask a question now, and I'm thinking no,

53
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,440
Speaker 1: I can't readily think of I mean, unless you want

54
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,520
Speaker 1: to talk about I mean, all the trash that's out there.

55
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,240
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess we can go Kevin Samuels. But

56
00:03:53,280 --> 00:04:02,040
Speaker 1: a black woman, Oh woman? Right? No? Right? No? Right,

57
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,960
Speaker 1: I really wow? Right. So we have been thinking on

58
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:11,200
Speaker 1: for several We have been thinking about this for several days,

59
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,000
Speaker 1: and I feel like this is a huge part of

60
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:17,360
Speaker 1: the concern, right, is that it definitely feels like there

61
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:22,640
Speaker 1: is something too how men are able to gain a

62
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:29,159
Speaker 1: sizeable platform to share uncredentialed. I'm not sure where it

63
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:36,040
Speaker 1: comes from information that frankly feels incredibly exploitive of black

64
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:43,680
Speaker 1: women in particular. Oh absolutely, I mean number one, completely absolutely.

65
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,560
Speaker 1: And I think it's it's sort of like, you know

66
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,360
Speaker 1: how they talk about like dad's and they're like, oh,

67
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:53,080
Speaker 1: you know, he's doing her hair, and he's taking care

68
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,400
Speaker 1: of the babies. He's taking them. Now, he'd go on places,

69
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:58,320
Speaker 1: but then he's seeing thene he dressing thene he doing

70
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,040
Speaker 1: all the things. Oh my goodness is I can't believe it.

71
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,240
Speaker 1: Go ahead, dad. It's sort of like that men do

72
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:08,240
Speaker 1: the mundane and get the praise. Mm hmm. Now I'm

73
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,480
Speaker 1: not saying that taking kids is the mundane, but no

74
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,200
Speaker 1: one praising mothers for doing it because it's like, well

75
00:05:15,839 --> 00:05:19,919
Speaker 1: to do. So a man who then is having conversation

76
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,359
Speaker 1: about relationships when it's women who have been talked to

77
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,719
Speaker 1: aspire to relationships and now brings in this whole other

78
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,880
Speaker 1: thing up. Oh my gosh, look at this man. He's

79
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:33,240
Speaker 1: talking to us about aspiring for relationships and what not

80
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,360
Speaker 1: to take from nobody. So then it becomes like, oh

81
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,520
Speaker 1: my gosh, let's lift him up, let's make him into

82
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,440
Speaker 1: a celebrity, despite the fact that he's really just saying

83
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,000
Speaker 1: some of the same basic things that anybody else would

84
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,800
Speaker 1: have already told you, and probably not even saying it

85
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,440
Speaker 1: to the same level that other relationship gurus out there

86
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,560
Speaker 1: who are never on the same level get to say it. Yes,

87
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,560
Speaker 1: So I want to scale back to your point around

88
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,960
Speaker 1: the ways that women are grew to want relationships and

89
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,320
Speaker 1: marriage in a way that men typically are not. Can

90
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:09,160
Speaker 1: you say more about that. I mean, from the time

91
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,720
Speaker 1: that we're young, we're giving these beautiful baby dolls. I

92
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,559
Speaker 1: don't know about you, but my baby dolls was white

93
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,479
Speaker 1: until they weren't um But you know, you you get

94
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:21,000
Speaker 1: these baby dolls were taught to be nurturers, were groom

95
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,839
Speaker 1: to be nurturers. We're grown to be nice that you know,

96
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,000
Speaker 1: boys will be boys, but girls will accommodate boys that

97
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,480
Speaker 1: will be boys. It is our way in our nature

98
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,640
Speaker 1: to to practice being nice, not kind, but nice, to

99
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:38,240
Speaker 1: perform the niceties in a way that allows other people

100
00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:41,240
Speaker 1: to think well or highly of us because of the

101
00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:44,640
Speaker 1: ways that we sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others.

102
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:48,159
Speaker 1: So we're already groomed in that way. We're groom to

103
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:52,239
Speaker 1: take care of other people, and we're certainly socialized towards

104
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:57,239
Speaker 1: aspirations of marriage, of children, of having a family, because

105
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,360
Speaker 1: this is also how we're taught that we will find

106
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:03,280
Speaker 1: our work. Our worth lies in our ability, especially for

107
00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:08,800
Speaker 1: those who are heterosexual or having hetero performative relationships, that

108
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:12,680
Speaker 1: our job is to aspire to having a masculine or

109
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,720
Speaker 1: male partner who will then be the reason why we

110
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:20,440
Speaker 1: have now found our value. It is the reason why,

111
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:25,480
Speaker 1: despite what a woman achieves, the congratulations really come when

112
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:29,320
Speaker 1: she's getting married. Mm hmm, it will really come when

113
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,600
Speaker 1: she's having a child. You really want you to have

114
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,880
Speaker 1: the first one, but then I'm gonna care after that.

115
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:38,120
Speaker 1: They just want you to to follow the norm, the

116
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,880
Speaker 1: norm right, or the tropes that have been laid out

117
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,720
Speaker 1: to say. Okay, first she went to school, Now you

118
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,960
Speaker 1: met your man. Now that you got your man, you

119
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,280
Speaker 1: got married to your man. So now you've won your man.

120
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,120
Speaker 1: You have the ultimate prize in hand. Now go here

121
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,120
Speaker 1: to make some babies in your life is complete. You

122
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:59,160
Speaker 1: have now done everything that this life has taught young girl.

123
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,800
Speaker 1: When men an adults an adult women to sort of

124
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,440
Speaker 1: do in order to show that they are a valuable,

125
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:10,000
Speaker 1: functioning piece of society that we should now look to

126
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,200
Speaker 1: as someone who can be seen as a full and

127
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,840
Speaker 1: complete person, because a woman is never complete without a

128
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:20,880
Speaker 1: man and a kid. Yeah, and it just really sends

129
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:25,600
Speaker 1: me that, you know, in te In some ways, I

130
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,640
Speaker 1: feel like this conversation has moved forward, and in some

131
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:32,400
Speaker 1: very significant ways, it feels like it hasn't right. Like

132
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:36,120
Speaker 1: I think the the idea or the evidence of a

133
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,679
Speaker 1: Derrick Jackson and Kevin Samuels gives us proof that we

134
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,560
Speaker 1: really have not gone there far with this conversation. Oh no,

135
00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,800
Speaker 1: not at all, especially when you think about the various iterations.

136
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,800
Speaker 1: Steve Harvey and his cheat and stelf also wrote a

137
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,200
Speaker 1: book Thankfuy, like in a lot of ways that was

138
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,360
Speaker 1: the beginning of all of this. I'm just like, I

139
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,240
Speaker 1: had no idea whether or not as the beginning, but

140
00:08:56,360 --> 00:09:00,160
Speaker 1: certainly he got to make plenty of money and will

141
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:04,000
Speaker 1: be right. We're creating something that tells women how to

142
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,000
Speaker 1: behave in order to get a man. It's the funniest

143
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,199
Speaker 1: thing you ever did here. And I think that the

144
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,160
Speaker 1: next part of the question is where are these conversations

145
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:21,280
Speaker 1: and workshops and books targeted towards men, you know, and

146
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,400
Speaker 1: I'm sure it goes back to your earlier points around

147
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,360
Speaker 1: how women are groomed in this world, but you never

148
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:31,240
Speaker 1: see the same kind of marketing and audience for men

149
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:36,680
Speaker 1: to be having these conversations. Not I mean number one,

150
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,840
Speaker 1: It's almost like it would be moot right because men

151
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:43,280
Speaker 1: are already talked to their independent individual who need nothing

152
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,760
Speaker 1: from no one in order for them to gain personhood.

153
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:50,000
Speaker 1: They already have everything that they've already needed. So what

154
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,640
Speaker 1: is it that you're really going to tell a man

155
00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:53,679
Speaker 1: to go do other than to get a good job

156
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,080
Speaker 1: and make sure he got money in the bank, because

157
00:09:56,559 --> 00:09:59,160
Speaker 1: that's what helps make a man. A man is made

158
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,560
Speaker 1: a man by the money in his wallet and the

159
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:05,600
Speaker 1: girl on his arm. But he doesn't necessarily need to

160
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,720
Speaker 1: be faithful, He doesn't necessarily need to have a good woman.

161
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:13,320
Speaker 1: He just needs to mostly just bad people. Like who

162
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,719
Speaker 1: can you pull? What kind of clout do you have?

163
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,520
Speaker 1: What does your wallet allow you with your looks allow

164
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:22,440
Speaker 1: you to be able to purchase into right, So it's like,

165
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,280
Speaker 1: I make money so that I can get the most

166
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,480
Speaker 1: beautiful girl that I can get, which usually means that

167
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:32,200
Speaker 1: they're going towards the lightest skin trophy right that they

168
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,600
Speaker 1: can acquire for themselves, because this is how you show

169
00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:39,560
Speaker 1: that you have worth to other people. Usually men are

170
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,760
Speaker 1: trying to prove it to other men. M it's not

171
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,480
Speaker 1: even about showing their worth to women at large. It's

172
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,440
Speaker 1: it's like, no, see me as being a powerful individual being,

173
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,880
Speaker 1: and let me show you that. How I've been able

174
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,559
Speaker 1: to do that by having this girl on my arm

175
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,520
Speaker 1: because of my wallet looking like this. So it's almost

176
00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:00,400
Speaker 1: like trading one commodity for the next. Right, you get

177
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,320
Speaker 1: the money so that you can get the girls that

178
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,400
Speaker 1: you want, so that you can show other men that

179
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:08,520
Speaker 1: you are a powerful individual. So their script has already

180
00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:11,120
Speaker 1: been written as well. This is why I say patriarchy,

181
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:16,400
Speaker 1: especially white supremacist capitalistic patriarchy, it doesn't actually serve anybody

182
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:22,199
Speaker 1: because their pigeonholes as far as what they're worth looks

183
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,280
Speaker 1: like for in the eyes of other men and thus

184
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,840
Speaker 1: what they're able to sort of do within the trajectory

185
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,920
Speaker 1: of their own lives. But our both are tied to theirs.

186
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:35,000
Speaker 1: So really everybody involved is living a real pick me life.

187
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,600
Speaker 1: Pick me, choose me, love me. We are all in

188
00:11:38,679 --> 00:11:43,280
Speaker 1: that space of okay, but women in particular, How can

189
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,160
Speaker 1: I dangle just right to get chose so that I

190
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,079
Speaker 1: can show other people that I have value and men

191
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,640
Speaker 1: are life. I need to show them that I made

192
00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:51,280
Speaker 1: it And how I showed them I made it is

193
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:54,079
Speaker 1: by having the baddest bitch I can't have on my arm. M.

194
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,760
Speaker 1: It's just so sad, I mean, because it's you know,

195
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,720
Speaker 1: like you're saying, it really is limiting. You know, like

196
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,360
Speaker 1: what else could we be doing in our lives if

197
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,280
Speaker 1: we did not have to feed into this kind of

198
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:09,400
Speaker 1: a society. Yeah, I'm like, can you imagine, Like I

199
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,200
Speaker 1: think that what I see is every now and then

200
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,400
Speaker 1: you see these these beautiful, bright stars, these gems, these

201
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,480
Speaker 1: people who are living their lives on their turns, and

202
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,760
Speaker 1: they just they just light up the room, you know,

203
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,800
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, wow, you light it up. And most

204
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,000
Speaker 1: people are not living in that space. But when you

205
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,840
Speaker 1: are basking in the orbit of that person's blow, you

206
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:36,080
Speaker 1: feel like you can do anything. And I just imagine, like,

207
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,040
Speaker 1: considering that, you know, people are generally still lives being

208
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,559
Speaker 1: pretty good lives, what would your life look like if

209
00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:44,920
Speaker 1: you were really living and allowed that glow from your

210
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,200
Speaker 1: inner self to shine out instead of feeling like you

211
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,880
Speaker 1: have to hide pieces of who you are, put them

212
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:54,400
Speaker 1: away or otherwise, you know, be less than what you

213
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:59,520
Speaker 1: are in order to make it in this world. What

214
00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:02,040
Speaker 1: would you actually do? Like if you were able to

215
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:06,280
Speaker 1: be just you as you are, without worrying about judgment

216
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:10,040
Speaker 1: or without worrying about all these other pieces, who could

217
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,679
Speaker 1: you actually be? And it's just sad to see that

218
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,360
Speaker 1: so many people are not being themselves and that there's

219
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:21,960
Speaker 1: this huge disconnect between the then that they present to

220
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,240
Speaker 1: the world and then then they are privately sort of

221
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,320
Speaker 1: like you know, it's Joharry's window all over again. Um,

222
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,120
Speaker 1: Like your public self is just a persona that you

223
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,000
Speaker 1: put on for the benefit of others, whereas your private

224
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,120
Speaker 1: self is what you hid because you're worried that the

225
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:40,920
Speaker 1: public opinion won't support who you are. And that right there,

226
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,880
Speaker 1: it's a whole sadness and I mean this whole there,

227
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:49,800
Speaker 1: Jackson thing is a huge sadness and a moment for

228
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,320
Speaker 1: multiple people to check themselves. M h. Yeah. So the

229
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,520
Speaker 1: word that you used to describe at least a part

230
00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:00,240
Speaker 1: of the situation was predatory your feelings towards things that

231
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,120
Speaker 1: have happened, So can you say more about what was

232
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:07,400
Speaker 1: predatory in your opinion, I'm just like, well, there's the

233
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,160
Speaker 1: predatory nature and this is something that is here about.

234
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,920
Speaker 1: Stage has also said that, you know, like, it's predatory

235
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,880
Speaker 1: as fun for the whole thing, a whole system to

236
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:20,080
Speaker 1: be built off the insecurities that they build in women

237
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,880
Speaker 1: from the time we are small to the time that

238
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,520
Speaker 1: we grow up to now say not only do you

239
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,920
Speaker 1: not look good and you should change that, but here's

240
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,440
Speaker 1: also how you need to behave in order to get

241
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:34,360
Speaker 1: a partner. And now people are making millions and billions

242
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,640
Speaker 1: of dollars. Full industries are made off the backs of

243
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,080
Speaker 1: the insecurities that they've given to women. So people are

244
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:45,240
Speaker 1: lining their pockets from you feeling like ship right and

245
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,800
Speaker 1: this guy, I'm not necessarily saying whether or not he's

246
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:52,480
Speaker 1: different or not, but this idea that a man should

247
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,480
Speaker 1: then continue to tell you how to behave in order

248
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,920
Speaker 1: to get a man like him, presumably right and then

249
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,640
Speaker 1: and he turns out not to be the man that

250
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,800
Speaker 1: you thought he was. He he himself has also been

251
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,800
Speaker 1: a person lacking in integrity. Now, I would like to

252
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,440
Speaker 1: preface this by saying that we do live in a

253
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,560
Speaker 1: beautiful plury birse. And the idea of the plury verse

254
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,440
Speaker 1: is that multiple truths can hold space at the same time.

255
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,360
Speaker 1: So I can draw the number six. You staying on

256
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,720
Speaker 1: one side, I staying on one side. I see six,

257
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:24,480
Speaker 1: you see nine. Neither of us are wrong. We just

258
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:28,160
Speaker 1: don't have the perspective of the other right. And I'm

259
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,560
Speaker 1: prefacing it this way because there's also this other piece

260
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,520
Speaker 1: of me that is just like and Derek Jackson is

261
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,720
Speaker 1: not your man. He didn't owe you fidelity in his

262
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,880
Speaker 1: relationship in order for him to teach you anything. And

263
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:45,400
Speaker 1: just because he was cheating to Rag, well, however long

264
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,920
Speaker 1: he was a cheating to Rag, it does not mean

265
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:52,120
Speaker 1: then that what he has to say was completely invalid,

266
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,000
Speaker 1: because I've watched some of his videos in the past,

267
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,240
Speaker 1: and I'm like, you know what, he still had a

268
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,640
Speaker 1: good point. A broken clock is still right to that.

269
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,920
Speaker 1: So I'm like, just because he turns out to be

270
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,880
Speaker 1: unfaithful to his wife, it does not mean then that

271
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,520
Speaker 1: you gotta throw everything he ever said away, because some

272
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,560
Speaker 1: of it may still hold value for you. I think

273
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,760
Speaker 1: it's mostly remembering that he ain't your man. You don't

274
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:21,320
Speaker 1: owe your fidelity, his white fidelity. He owed her faithfulness.

275
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,920
Speaker 1: He don't owe your faithfulness. His whole job is to

276
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,160
Speaker 1: teach you what he can teach you, and you take

277
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,520
Speaker 1: from it what is yours and you leave what of

278
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,560
Speaker 1: it is not yours. But he doesn't really owe anybody

279
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,240
Speaker 1: anything other than his wife. So I'm like, so there's

280
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:42,800
Speaker 1: that one, right. The other end of some of that stuff,

281
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:46,360
Speaker 1: I'm like, Yeah, something wrong with him for commented on

282
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:50,600
Speaker 1: his own video the way that I'm like, But I

283
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:53,960
Speaker 1: also see how we do that in our own day

284
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:57,480
Speaker 1: on our own daily lives. Right. So sometimes when we

285
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,920
Speaker 1: say something that we sometimes intended to say, but it

286
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,000
Speaker 1: came out weird or awkward, and there's that awkward silence,

287
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,719
Speaker 1: people continue to dig the hole by not shutting up.

288
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,360
Speaker 1: They try to fix it, but keep talking, and it's

289
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,120
Speaker 1: just like, man, he's just putting your foot in your mouth.

290
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:18,160
Speaker 1: Shut up, right. This could be that situation where it's

291
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:22,560
Speaker 1: just like he is watching the ship that he has

292
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:28,080
Speaker 1: built on the insecurities of women sake, m and he

293
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,840
Speaker 1: is trying to rebuild his boat as quickly as he can.

294
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:37,119
Speaker 1: He's trying to sell his book on infidelity. He tried

295
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,119
Speaker 1: he trying to keep the people on board. He is

296
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,719
Speaker 1: trying to show that see, I can also look at myself.

297
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,840
Speaker 1: I can also make fun of myself. I can also

298
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:50,720
Speaker 1: critique myself in this moment, but it didn't come off well.

299
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,640
Speaker 1: I think that that was a moment where he could

300
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:57,919
Speaker 1: have taken several seats, took some time to reflect and

301
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,840
Speaker 1: just you know, kept pushing. But he just kept putting

302
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,760
Speaker 1: his foot in his mouth. And I think that that's

303
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,560
Speaker 1: something that people are are wont to do. We do

304
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,880
Speaker 1: that often, and just because we saw a play out

305
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Speaker 1: on social media doesn't mean that we don't also do it.

306
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,199
Speaker 1: I think that what it means is that when it

307
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,800
Speaker 1: happens on social media, we forget that people are people,

308
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,800
Speaker 1: and we stop having any empathy or any sympathy for

309
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,480
Speaker 1: the fact that they for all the emotions that may

310
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,040
Speaker 1: come up with something like this happen more from Dr

311
00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:37,040
Speaker 1: Oriole after the break. So the other point that I

312
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:40,000
Speaker 1: was really struck by, and and it wasn't just in

313
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,720
Speaker 1: this situation. We see it often when a man has

314
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,560
Speaker 1: been unfaithful to his partner, that the female partner will

315
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:50,680
Speaker 1: be drug into the situation to sit next to them

316
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:55,840
Speaker 1: while they you know, share their contrition or leg thereof

317
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:59,920
Speaker 1: in some cases, and that to me just really is

318
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,359
Speaker 1: in such poor taste because in my mind it demonstrates

319
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:06,159
Speaker 1: the lack of care. Right. So, not only have you

320
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:10,080
Speaker 1: embarrassed this person publicly, but now the expectation is that

321
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:14,119
Speaker 1: they have to join you in this public declaration of

322
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,679
Speaker 1: whatever you know. And so I would just love to

323
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,679
Speaker 1: hear your thoughts about that, because again we saw that

324
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,520
Speaker 1: with Derek, but that is not the first time we've

325
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,320
Speaker 1: seen like a wife or our girlfriend, you know, staying

326
00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:28,000
Speaker 1: next to someone who has been publicly unfaithful. Yo. I mean,

327
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:30,680
Speaker 1: the first thing that came to mind with Hillary Clinton's

328
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:35,480
Speaker 1: say by your man, right, And just like, how often

329
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,679
Speaker 1: when there is this way of doing things where it's like, okay,

330
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,000
Speaker 1: I now owe an apology not just to my wife

331
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,960
Speaker 1: but to the public, and now my wife has to

332
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,479
Speaker 1: stay next to me. And how some of it is

333
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,520
Speaker 1: we have the rhetoric of you know, you gotta stand

334
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:54,119
Speaker 1: by your man, and in this moment, in this moment

335
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:58,639
Speaker 1: of weakness or in this moment of appearing contract that

336
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,480
Speaker 1: the wife has to stay next to him in order

337
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:05,560
Speaker 1: to number one helped to rebuild him in the eyes

338
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,040
Speaker 1: of others to say like, hey, he wronged me and

339
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:10,680
Speaker 1: I forgive him, so you should also forget him. It's

340
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,679
Speaker 1: what it feels like. And at the same time, I

341
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,320
Speaker 1: agree with you it demonstrates a lack of care because

342
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,000
Speaker 1: why do they need to be present in order for

343
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,360
Speaker 1: you to make your apologies look like, yes, you wronged

344
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,480
Speaker 1: her and or them or whomever it is that you're wrong,

345
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:30,160
Speaker 1: and you you apologize to them if you're gonna apologize

346
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,879
Speaker 1: the public as well, I don't think they need to

347
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,040
Speaker 1: be there. I think that you can do that on

348
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,560
Speaker 1: your own and take whatever backlash on your own of

349
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:41,480
Speaker 1: whatever it is, because I feel like in this particular case,

350
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,000
Speaker 1: it went sideways. People were looking at her and making

351
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,560
Speaker 1: comments about what she looked like, how she was dressed

352
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,560
Speaker 1: on camera, and took that to be like, well, look,

353
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,760
Speaker 1: you did it to yourself, because look at what you

354
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,080
Speaker 1: look like. If this is what you look like, it's

355
00:20:56,119 --> 00:21:00,400
Speaker 1: no wonder he's straight. And I feel like oftentime times

356
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:04,040
Speaker 1: when they are in the habit of bringing in their partners,

357
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,840
Speaker 1: it's almost I feel like sometimes it is almost looking

358
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:13,240
Speaker 1: for justification they're wrong for their wrong ass behavior that

359
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,080
Speaker 1: if their partner does not look as good that somebody

360
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,280
Speaker 1: will be able to say, like, well, look at them.

361
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,760
Speaker 1: That's why, that's why Cheeta used supposed to look like X,

362
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,760
Speaker 1: Y and Z, and it puts some of that blame

363
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,240
Speaker 1: back on them. But I think that it's in a

364
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,240
Speaker 1: lose lose situation because we have such a right or

365
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:33,880
Speaker 1: dieing narrative specifically for women, that if she wasn't there,

366
00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:36,520
Speaker 1: people will still have something to say, right, she still

367
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:40,760
Speaker 1: would have been brought into the narrative some kind of way. Exactly. Yeah,

368
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,240
Speaker 1: I'm like in that case, it's almost like, well, how

369
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:48,119
Speaker 1: do you win? How can you have a real good,

370
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:54,280
Speaker 1: full conversation and understanding of what is without her to

371
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,520
Speaker 1: tell her side of the story? But why should she

372
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:59,560
Speaker 1: also have to parade her paying around in order for

373
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,320
Speaker 1: you to say? Faith? Right? Right? Yeah? And it really

374
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,879
Speaker 1: is a catch twenty two, you know, because he is

375
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,959
Speaker 1: the public figure, right, not her, And so you know,

376
00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:10,359
Speaker 1: like you mentioned earlier, like he didn't cheat on the

377
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,120
Speaker 1: public you know. Now, of course he had to own

378
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,520
Speaker 1: up to that when so much of your whole platform

379
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,119
Speaker 1: is around being the stand up guy, and you know,

380
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,480
Speaker 1: more guys should be like you. Of course you're going

381
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:23,000
Speaker 1: to have to you know, you're gonna have to answer

382
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:27,800
Speaker 1: for those those questions, right, but right, but it wasn't

383
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,760
Speaker 1: the kind of thing where they both were on camera

384
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,919
Speaker 1: giving couples advice. You know, it was him, you know,

385
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:36,080
Speaker 1: so I can imagine that this is a very pr move,

386
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,800
Speaker 1: especially since we have seen it so often that you know,

387
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,760
Speaker 1: it looks good for the partner to be there, and

388
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,359
Speaker 1: it's more believable and you know, all of those things.

389
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,680
Speaker 1: But I think just in terms of thinking about your

390
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:50,000
Speaker 1: actual partner, right, like who you are actually with off camera,

391
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,440
Speaker 1: you know that that just doesn't to me demonstrate any

392
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:56,520
Speaker 1: care for the relationship or how they might be feeling

393
00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:02,320
Speaker 1: in that moment. Absolutely, it's pressing. Yeah. The only embarrassing

394
00:23:02,359 --> 00:23:05,560
Speaker 1: because you have already cheated on me and it's public,

395
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,879
Speaker 1: and now I have to be on camera for this

396
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:13,680
Speaker 1: apology video. Dang, we ain't done enough, right, Like, just

397
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,119
Speaker 1: leave me out of it. I do not want to

398
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,479
Speaker 1: have to be on camera for this. Well, I'm already

399
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 1: I'm already embarrassed, right, I've already been hurt by this,

400
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,879
Speaker 1: and now I have to sit here and parade my

401
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,960
Speaker 1: pain or pretend like it doesn't matter as much. So

402
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,200
Speaker 1: that now you can apologize to other people who are

403
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 1: not me, right, Yeah, And you know, I definitely think

404
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:38,000
Speaker 1: that there is something to be said around agency, you know,

405
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,040
Speaker 1: like because of course we're saying, like, why did she

406
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,080
Speaker 1: have to do it? We know, of course she didn't

407
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,040
Speaker 1: have to, but we also don't know the dynamics of

408
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,200
Speaker 1: the relationship, you know, like what kind of abuse there

409
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,879
Speaker 1: may or may not be going on, you know, so

410
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,000
Speaker 1: I think we have to tread very lightly in terms

411
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,400
Speaker 1: of talking about like, well, why would she do it?

412
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,359
Speaker 1: You know, because I don't know that we know enough

413
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 1: to be able to make a determined and about that,

414
00:24:01,119 --> 00:24:03,800
Speaker 1: and we don't. What we do know is that his

415
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,520
Speaker 1: platform is something that has paid him, and that this

416
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:12,679
Speaker 1: very well may actually end up impacting their finances, and

417
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 1: that that could be a factor. It could be that

418
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,359
Speaker 1: she simply does actually forgive him and that she is

419
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,359
Speaker 1: wanting to support him. We have no idea, but everyone

420
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,560
Speaker 1: was speculating based off that video with the hand and

421
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,480
Speaker 1: and the hat and all this other stuff and the

422
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,240
Speaker 1: things that she said on the internet. And I'm just like, look,

423
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:35,439
Speaker 1: we don't know her. And while I guess speculation, I

424
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,880
Speaker 1: guess it's good fun gossip for you. It's we're forgetting

425
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:45,040
Speaker 1: that this is an actual person, an actual black woman

426
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,680
Speaker 1: who is now being attack. But other black people they

427
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:52,440
Speaker 1: say that they care about black women, right, And I'm

428
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:56,280
Speaker 1: just like, I don't know. I I worry sometimes that

429
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,760
Speaker 1: we are okay and even look forward to building someone

430
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:05,480
Speaker 1: up to watch them fall. Can you say more about that? Well,

431
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,680
Speaker 1: I feel like it's not even you know, just like

432
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,640
Speaker 1: you know the Derek Jackson's per se, right, But there

433
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,760
Speaker 1: seems to be this obsession with, oh, yes, let's support

434
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:18,080
Speaker 1: black people, let's support this, let's support that, But there's

435
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:22,080
Speaker 1: also almost equal obsession with being able to be like,

436
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:27,560
Speaker 1: look at them, they failed, feeling like, oh well they

437
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,119
Speaker 1: got too big for their breeches and they needed to fall,

438
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,080
Speaker 1: and now this makes me feel better. And I'm just like,

439
00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:36,639
Speaker 1: I don't understand why someone else is failure makes you

440
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:40,040
Speaker 1: feel better. It didn't put any additional money in your pocket,

441
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: it didn't give you any additional likes. No one is

442
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,399
Speaker 1: giving you a pat on your back for someone else failing.

443
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:50,440
Speaker 1: But there does seem to be an obsession with build

444
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:54,120
Speaker 1: them up, watch them fall. I'm looking like it's Jenga.

445
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:58,200
Speaker 1: It's a game. And it's something that I can't say

446
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,640
Speaker 1: that I fully get because I'm like, I just want

447
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,879
Speaker 1: I want people to succeed. I am I'm all for it. Yeah.

448
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:09,200
Speaker 1: I think that we get insecure in ourselves and we

449
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,280
Speaker 1: see someone saying or doing something that we feel like,

450
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,359
Speaker 1: oh wow, I would say that or I could do that,

451
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:18,639
Speaker 1: and instead of just being happy for them, we're sad

452
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 1: for us. And that's we throw the tray all their

453
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 1: way as though that it's gonna make you move into

454
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,080
Speaker 1: the life that you actually want for yourself, and like, oh, yeah,

455
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,400
Speaker 1: you know that's not how this works. M M. So

456
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:36,160
Speaker 1: you know, related to how often we see these instances

457
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,399
Speaker 1: of men bringing out their wives after they have been unfaithful,

458
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,800
Speaker 1: I also cannot remember any instances of women bringing out

459
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,360
Speaker 1: their husbands are part of other male partners when they

460
00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:52,199
Speaker 1: are why do you say you are her? She cheated

461
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 1: on you, you met drop her? Because women, oh loyalty,

462
00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:01,399
Speaker 1: men do not even public fig years. Yeah, it's almost

463
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,680
Speaker 1: like boys will be boys all grown up boys will

464
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:09,320
Speaker 1: be boys will be violent, boys will be rough and tumble,

465
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:17,679
Speaker 1: boys will be abusive, lightly abusive, emotionally or mentally. I

466
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,600
Speaker 1: don't know that we are as accepting per se of

467
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:25,400
Speaker 1: whoop your wife right or beat up your girlfriend, except

468
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 1: that we seem to be because it's like, oh, I'm

469
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,080
Speaker 1: not in that relationship, let me mind my business. In

470
00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:33,280
Speaker 1: a way, we become passively accepting of that type of behavior.

471
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,399
Speaker 1: But certainly, boys will be boys, and they do not

472
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,639
Speaker 1: owe loyalty. You know. Oh, men will sleep around. You know,

473
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:46,240
Speaker 1: they're visual creatures who cannot help themselves. So if someone

474
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,320
Speaker 1: presents it to them, they're gonna take it. So it

475
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:52,960
Speaker 1: becomes and it moves back into that space of oh, yeah,

476
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,879
Speaker 1: boys will be boys. Yeah, And even if it doesn't

477
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:59,320
Speaker 1: raise the level of cheating, it definitely feels like whenever

478
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:03,560
Speaker 1: we see your relationship in it is often the woman

479
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,000
Speaker 1: who is under the microscope, right, So like what did

480
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:09,439
Speaker 1: she do to like make this man leave her? Or

481
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: you know, like, oh, what kind of means did she

482
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,840
Speaker 1: create that she that he has to leave exactly? I mean,

483
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,000
Speaker 1: look at this thing, like we are still talking about

484
00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:25,639
Speaker 1: future whenever and her husband Russell, how is I'm like

485
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 1: he is in her past two whole I'm just like

486
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:35,119
Speaker 1: that once because that's this idea that she still belongs

487
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:40,640
Speaker 1: to him and that anything that comes after is not

488
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:45,720
Speaker 1: really genuine, it's not really there, and it's it sort

489
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:50,520
Speaker 1: of continues this idea that women are property of whoever

490
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: it is that claims them as such, who we have

491
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:57,720
Speaker 1: known them to be with. So you are your father's

492
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,000
Speaker 1: property until such a time that you are with whatever

493
00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:04,520
Speaker 1: the whatever do you with, and then you are his

494
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:09,040
Speaker 1: property until he gets rid of youth. Yes, and even

495
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: then you still sort of belong to him because even

496
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,040
Speaker 1: if you're broken up. I mean, there's still like this practice.

497
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 1: And I've heard this, you know some of my guy

498
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 1: friends where it's just like, yeah, I had to check

499
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: with home and to make sure it's okay to data

500
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:28,560
Speaker 1: what I didn't know if she was property, I didn't

501
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 1: know that. I'm like, they talked for two weeks. Please explain.

502
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,520
Speaker 1: Helped me to understand. But it doesn't make any sense

503
00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:43,840
Speaker 1: except that women are not seen as full individual, consenting

504
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:50,120
Speaker 1: beings capable of making choices for themselves within relationships or

505
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:53,920
Speaker 1: outside of them. When you reduce a woman down to

506
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 1: what she looks like and how she can benefit men it,

507
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 1: then it's very easy to follow the logic of, well,

508
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:02,440
Speaker 1: she will ols to me and while I cheated on

509
00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,160
Speaker 1: her and that's not cool, especially for my platform, which

510
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 1: includes women in particular who may be upset with me.

511
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 1: That's okay, because I'm gonna use my wife to make

512
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:16,440
Speaker 1: sure that i still look good in the eyes of

513
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:19,360
Speaker 1: the general public. Because if she could forgive me, you

514
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:22,440
Speaker 1: should forgive me. Because where's your loyalty as a woman.

515
00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:26,720
Speaker 1: You're supposed to be a ride or die? Right, right? Yeah?

516
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,600
Speaker 1: That that messaging is really ingrained in large and small ways,

517
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 1: this whole idea of a ride or die, and it

518
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:37,680
Speaker 1: is so problematic and dangerous I think in a lot

519
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:41,400
Speaker 1: of ways. You know that it is very often women

520
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:45,440
Speaker 1: who just never end up choosing themselves, right, you know.

521
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,760
Speaker 1: And so of course there will be compromised in a relationship.

522
00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:51,720
Speaker 1: Of course, you know you're not gonna always get your way.

523
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:55,640
Speaker 1: I mean that is to be expected. But the degradation

524
00:30:55,960 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 1: and the my needs are never met is not what

525
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,640
Speaker 1: a relationship should feel like. And I mean you said

526
00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:06,680
Speaker 1: it right, It's it's to me. It's like, is it

527
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:15,880
Speaker 1: compromise or are you compromised? Okay? Oprah, okay, okay, Uh.

528
00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:21,200
Speaker 1: A lot of people are not compromising, they're being compromised.

529
00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,479
Speaker 1: Not the same. Yeah, I believe and you know, I've

530
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,440
Speaker 1: said this before, and I said this in public space,

531
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:30,120
Speaker 1: and I know that people give all the side out

532
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:32,920
Speaker 1: in the world. I believe that if you want to settle,

533
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:37,800
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong for settling. That is a compromise. And

534
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 1: when you compromise, you're doing it with your eyes open.

535
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:44,080
Speaker 1: You know exactly what it is that you value. You

536
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 1: know what it is that you need, you know what

537
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:47,520
Speaker 1: it is that you want, and you know what it

538
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:51,040
Speaker 1: is that you are getting. So you're not wish dating.

539
00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:55,320
Speaker 1: You're not in a wish relationship. You actually know exactly

540
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,840
Speaker 1: what it is that where it is, and you're not

541
00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:01,360
Speaker 1: hoping that someday they'll grow to be something that they're not. Right.

542
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: You are in this and you know exactly what you're getting.

543
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:07,920
Speaker 1: You have chosen to compromise on these things. When you

544
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:13,280
Speaker 1: are compromised, you have now given up essential things that

545
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:17,560
Speaker 1: you need for you to function well in the relationships

546
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,320
Speaker 1: that you were in. You are picking and chipping away

547
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:25,640
Speaker 1: at yourself, at your values, at yourself worth in order

548
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 1: for you to maintain a relationship with somebody who's not

549
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:32,920
Speaker 1: even worthy of your time, with someone who who doesn't

550
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,160
Speaker 1: choose you in the way that you choose them. But

551
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:41,160
Speaker 1: someone who wants power in the relationship to the point

552
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 1: that they're willing to do anything it takes to have it,

553
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 1: including hurt you. Yes. And I'm just like we learned

554
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:51,880
Speaker 1: to want to be in a relationship at the cost

555
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:57,520
Speaker 1: of everything else. So many of us are compromised. We

556
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:02,400
Speaker 1: have not compromised. That is a word. Stay tuned from

557
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 1: more of my conversation with Dr Oriole right after the break,

558
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:18,400
Speaker 1: you know. And I feel like there is real value

559
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 1: in in us having these conversations and and I think

560
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:27,000
Speaker 1: it goes back to the larger point of like relationship

561
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:32,360
Speaker 1: gurus and experts, because I think there is value in

562
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:35,560
Speaker 1: like people hearing this conversation that we are having now, right.

563
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:39,440
Speaker 1: But I want people to be clear that we are

564
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 1: not coming from a place of like we know it

565
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:44,800
Speaker 1: all and y'all gotta get in line, right, which is

566
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:47,760
Speaker 1: where I think we often missed the boat, you know,

567
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:50,120
Speaker 1: because I think a lot of times when you see

568
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:54,000
Speaker 1: these gurus quote unquote, it is, uh, you don't know anything.

569
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:56,480
Speaker 1: Let me teach you all the ways that you are broken.

570
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 1: And I just I want so much better for us,

571
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:03,880
Speaker 1: right because we are not broken. We're not broken. We're

572
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:08,200
Speaker 1: not We are not broken. Are there areas that we

573
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:11,400
Speaker 1: all likely want to improve in our lives, of course,

574
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:15,600
Speaker 1: But there is nothing inherently wrong about you that makes

575
00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:19,600
Speaker 1: you unlovable or unworthy or you know, people don't want

576
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:22,200
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with you it and I

577
00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:24,080
Speaker 1: feel like that is what so many of these men

578
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:27,800
Speaker 1: build their platforms on, and it is just so incredibly hurtful.

579
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:31,040
Speaker 1: So I would love to hear you talk about how

580
00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:35,319
Speaker 1: people can be more maybe judicious in terms of like

581
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:39,640
Speaker 1: paying attention to what experts to quote unquote are sharing,

582
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:42,759
Speaker 1: Like how do you know who you should be kind

583
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:44,880
Speaker 1: of taking information from and who you might need to

584
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:52,360
Speaker 1: be careful around? Oh oh you said so much so

585
00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:58,760
Speaker 1: on the one end, right, So, like before I answer

586
00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:02,640
Speaker 1: this question, I think that there is a space between

587
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,640
Speaker 1: being knowledgeable and growing. I think that too many of

588
00:35:05,719 --> 00:35:09,000
Speaker 1: us are into this expert role, which almost is like

589
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:12,359
Speaker 1: we can never be fallible that we know everything that

590
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:14,160
Speaker 1: there is to know. And this is why I have

591
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:18,280
Speaker 1: had such resistance, and you know, business coaches say it

592
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 1: that I've had such resistance around using the word expert

593
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:26,879
Speaker 1: to describe myself because I'm just like expert gives off

594
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,560
Speaker 1: this air of you know everything and that there's nothing

595
00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:31,239
Speaker 1: left for you to learn, and I'm just like, but

596
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:34,359
Speaker 1: I'm still alive, and as long as I'm alive, I

597
00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:36,279
Speaker 1: don't know what I don't know until I know it.

598
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:42,080
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm constantly learning and growing, And instead of

599
00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:46,080
Speaker 1: being the expert that is stagnant, I am, I am

600
00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:49,400
Speaker 1: someone who I believe is knowledgeable and growing. And like

601
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:51,600
Speaker 1: a tree is a tree, whether it's a sapling or

602
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:55,120
Speaker 1: a mighty oak, so I'm like, I am somewhere between

603
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:59,880
Speaker 1: sapling and big old oak tree. You can't deny that

604
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:01,680
Speaker 1: I am a tree. I am a person that has

605
00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:04,799
Speaker 1: knowledge in this thing. I have roots in it, I've

606
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 1: grown in it, and yet I still have more growing

607
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:11,160
Speaker 1: to do. I still have more learning that there's so

608
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:14,000
Speaker 1: much more that I can stretch from that right, and

609
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:17,279
Speaker 1: if we could allow space for that, we would also

610
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:20,759
Speaker 1: remember that people are human beings and that we have

611
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:24,640
Speaker 1: not experienced everything that there is for us to know,

612
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:28,120
Speaker 1: which means that we can't be fully expert. The only

613
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,600
Speaker 1: people that can be fully expert are people who have

614
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:34,719
Speaker 1: since gone. They've already died, and they can't even tell

615
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:38,040
Speaker 1: you so ha ha. I mean, so it means that

616
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:40,839
Speaker 1: everyone here that is left is learning and growing. They

617
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:44,640
Speaker 1: can only teach you from the knowledge of their own

618
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:47,520
Speaker 1: experiences and the knowledge that they've received from books, and

619
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,759
Speaker 1: that knowledge is constantly changing and evolving. I'm like, come on,

620
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, didn't white folk just get put on to

621
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:59,719
Speaker 1: like pokema oil years ago? I'm like, come on, now,

622
00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:04,319
Speaker 1: there's learning and growing like and it's a constant thing,

623
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,080
Speaker 1: and I think that we need to allow space for that, right.

624
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:10,400
Speaker 1: So then, how do you know if you're following somebody,

625
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:14,759
Speaker 1: who is someone good for you to follow? I think

626
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,200
Speaker 1: usually for me it's do you feel like ship after

627
00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:22,360
Speaker 1: you're done listening to them? And there are so many

628
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:26,200
Speaker 1: that you feel like ship when you're done, Yes, And

629
00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:32,080
Speaker 1: if you feel less happy with yourself, then maybe that's

630
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:34,520
Speaker 1: not them, that's not the one for you. Now, there's

631
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,759
Speaker 1: a difference between feeling shitty because they don't hit on

632
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: a truth. It's like who they called me out and

633
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:48,319
Speaker 1: someone whose aim almost feels like it is to to

634
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:53,480
Speaker 1: hurt your feelings. And I'm like, nothing that is say

635
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 1: should be that that in controversial? West likedes well that

636
00:37:56,920 --> 00:37:59,959
Speaker 1: what what what are you talking to? I mean, because

637
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:01,920
Speaker 1: if it comes off like that, then they might not

638
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,080
Speaker 1: be the person that you need to be following. I

639
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:05,759
Speaker 1: would say that you also want to make sure that

640
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:08,600
Speaker 1: you're tempering it right, and sometimes you don't know it

641
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,160
Speaker 1: right off the bat. Sometimes people are people are very

642
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:17,040
Speaker 1: great at playing nice but not being kind. Like I

643
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:20,279
Speaker 1: have a deep love of black women. Everything that I

644
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 1: say ain't nice. I'm not going to perform the niceties

645
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:26,759
Speaker 1: to spare your feelings. I'm going to be kind, and

646
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:29,319
Speaker 1: kindness comes with truth, but it also comes with how

647
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:32,040
Speaker 1: the truth is delivered. And it's like, my purpose is

648
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 1: not to stomp on your feelings and then say buy

649
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 1: my ship to make you grow. I'm just like, no,

650
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:43,640
Speaker 1: I'll give you free advice so you can grow. I'm like,

651
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:46,600
Speaker 1: I'll tell you whatever I can add no cost, so

652
00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 1: you can grow. I'm interested in your growth and your happiness,

653
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:53,120
Speaker 1: and you're living your authentic life and that doesn't require

654
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:56,680
Speaker 1: me to put you down to build you up. It

655
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,080
Speaker 1: may be stripping off some of the layers of pretend

656
00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 1: that you wear and you may feel a little bit

657
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:05,919
Speaker 1: naked and exposed. That's called vulnerability. Vulnerability is fine, but

658
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,160
Speaker 1: some of these people are out here. They're just aiming

659
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:09,920
Speaker 1: to hurt your feelings and then being like, all right,

660
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:12,760
Speaker 1: and this is how you feel better about yourself. So

661
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 1: I say checking with you, your your inner tuition already

662
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:19,279
Speaker 1: knows what it is that you need and knows who

663
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:23,040
Speaker 1: is inappropriate for you to be following that morbid curiosity

664
00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 1: will kill your self esteem. So don't forget more. Morbidity

665
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:29,359
Speaker 1: is death. But we don't need that type of death

666
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:31,680
Speaker 1: to our self esteem. We have enough haters in the

667
00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:36,640
Speaker 1: world without purposefully taking that stuff in not sharing what

668
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:38,719
Speaker 1: they said. I'm looking some of the stuff just don't

669
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:40,200
Speaker 1: need to be shared. We don't need to give them

670
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:44,120
Speaker 1: a platform. Times you just quietly unfollowed. You don't even

671
00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:46,560
Speaker 1: need to tell them, just quietly unfollowed, just go your

672
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:49,640
Speaker 1: way because they are not for you. For me, that's

673
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:52,360
Speaker 1: the main way. That's the how you know that you

674
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:56,960
Speaker 1: might need to check out of whatever shenanigans they Yeah,

675
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,439
Speaker 1: And I also think it's really important to remember that

676
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,719
Speaker 1: you are the only one living in your life. Right.

677
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:05,600
Speaker 1: So there may be some things that I know because

678
00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:08,279
Speaker 1: of my training, because of my you know, work with

679
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:12,919
Speaker 1: clients and just life experience, but ultimately you are who

680
00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:16,040
Speaker 1: knows you and your relationship best. So there may be

681
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,760
Speaker 1: things that you see a share on Instagram and tips

682
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:21,759
Speaker 1: and helpful hints and all of that, but ultimately it

683
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,680
Speaker 1: has to be about you kind of digging in doing

684
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 1: the inner work to know whether that is something that's

685
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:28,959
Speaker 1: gonna be a good fit for you or not. Take

686
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:33,359
Speaker 1: what's yours and leave the rest. Yes, absolutely, absolutely so

687
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:35,880
Speaker 1: I would love for you to maybe talk Dr Oriole

688
00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:39,400
Speaker 1: about some things that may help us to kind of

689
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:46,040
Speaker 1: untied this connection to worthiness, being connected to our relationship status.

690
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 1: Might know that you do a ton of this work,

691
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,600
Speaker 1: you know, with your clients and with your workbook and

692
00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:53,239
Speaker 1: all of these ways. Is there something that you can

693
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:56,040
Speaker 1: leave us with, perhaps for our press pause moment that

694
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,400
Speaker 1: might be like a journal prompt or something that people

695
00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:00,719
Speaker 1: can kind of really reflect on how to do some

696
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:05,160
Speaker 1: of this work. Absolutely, and I have said this before,

697
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:07,400
Speaker 1: but sit down and do a list of one hundred,

698
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:11,840
Speaker 1: one hundred things that you want and do it in

699
00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:15,040
Speaker 1: one sitting. That is hard, but try your very best

700
00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:18,640
Speaker 1: to do it in one sitting because what you'll find,

701
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:21,760
Speaker 1: or what I have found, not just through doing it myself.

702
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,600
Speaker 1: I've done it now twice for myself that it once

703
00:41:24,640 --> 00:41:28,800
Speaker 1: with my partner, I walked my clients through it, etcetera, etcetera,

704
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,520
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, you know what, when you do

705
00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:32,520
Speaker 1: this list of one hundred, some of the first things

706
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,640
Speaker 1: that come out probably not even about you. It's almost

707
00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:37,480
Speaker 1: the things that you want so that people could see

708
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:40,880
Speaker 1: you like a whole person or a worthy person, or

709
00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:43,440
Speaker 1: so that you can have your basic needs met. But

710
00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:46,239
Speaker 1: that stuff comes later, the stuff you gotta dig for.

711
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:49,799
Speaker 1: Those are the things that's like, oh, now that I

712
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 1: have gone through all the layers of other things, the

713
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 1: real nitty gritty, these are the things that I want

714
00:41:56,600 --> 00:41:58,920
Speaker 1: and they can be anything. And if you feel like

715
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:01,239
Speaker 1: you still got the power to keep going, you keep going.

716
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:04,520
Speaker 1: You keep going until you ring that rag dry. So

717
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:06,400
Speaker 1: if that means you go beyond one hundred, you go

718
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:09,520
Speaker 1: beyond one hundred. So taking that sit down and really

719
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:12,960
Speaker 1: writing out those one hundred things that you want, not

720
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:16,680
Speaker 1: you want for others, not what you want for your mom.

721
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,640
Speaker 1: The same way that you know people come to therapy

722
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:21,320
Speaker 1: talking about something, well they need to be in therapy,

723
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,759
Speaker 1: but they're no, no, no no, no, no no, let's let's

724
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:26,920
Speaker 1: come back to you. What is that you want. Sitting

725
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:29,239
Speaker 1: down and really taking the time to consider what it

726
00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:32,279
Speaker 1: is that you want also gives you. I think it

727
00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,000
Speaker 1: gives you an honest list so that you're able to

728
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:38,239
Speaker 1: take a good look around at your life and no,

729
00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:41,200
Speaker 1: what are the things that you said you want do

730
00:42:41,239 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 1: you actually already have? And what are the things that

731
00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:49,520
Speaker 1: are taking you in the opposite direction? M It allows

732
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:54,000
Speaker 1: for a beautiful amount of reflection. Yes, yes, so this

733
00:42:54,120 --> 00:43:00,920
Speaker 1: may be more than one journal pages of activity. I

734
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,680
Speaker 1: love it. Thank you so much for that. So remind

735
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,360
Speaker 1: us where we can find you all over the web.

736
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:09,520
Speaker 1: You can find me at Donna orio Wold dot com,

737
00:43:09,719 --> 00:43:12,520
Speaker 1: a nod right dot com at a nod right, on

738
00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 1: Instagram a n n O d r I g h

739
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:19,840
Speaker 1: D find me a doctor Donald orio o r I

740
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:23,759
Speaker 1: O w oh. I mean my name is kind of distinctive,

741
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:26,879
Speaker 1: so if you put it in something should pop up. Yes,

742
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:31,680
Speaker 1: and book Instagram and on websites. Yes, and do not

743
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:34,680
Speaker 1: forget the work book that is incredible Cocoa Butter and

744
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:37,840
Speaker 1: Hair Grease. Dr Le has been here talking about colorism

745
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:40,439
Speaker 1: and texturism before, but now she has an incredible work

746
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:42,799
Speaker 1: book that I think is a must have for all

747
00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:45,760
Speaker 1: sisters and the little sisters in our lives, so definitely

748
00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:47,600
Speaker 1: grab a copy of that. We will of course be

749
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:49,960
Speaker 1: including all that in the show notes. Thank you for

750
00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:53,919
Speaker 1: plugging the fun of course. Thank you for always coming

751
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:55,799
Speaker 1: back to have these conversations with me. I know I

752
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:59,080
Speaker 1: appreciate it as well as the community. Well. I hope

753
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:05,240
Speaker 1: to be here here of course, it's always a pleasure

754
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:08,120
Speaker 1: to have Dr Orio will join us. To find out

755
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,360
Speaker 1: more about her work, ort to grab a copy of

756
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:12,960
Speaker 1: her workbook. Be sure to visit the show notes at

757
00:44:12,960 --> 00:44:16,479
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session two oh one,

758
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,120
Speaker 1: and don't forget to text two of your girls and

759
00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:22,359
Speaker 1: tell them to check out the episode right now. Don't

760
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:24,760
Speaker 1: forget that. If you're looking for a therapist in your area,

761
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:27,760
Speaker 1: be sure to check out our therapist directory at Therapy

762
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:31,279
Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And if you

763
00:44:31,320 --> 00:44:34,160
Speaker 1: want to continue digging into this topic or just be

764
00:44:34,239 --> 00:44:37,160
Speaker 1: in community with other sisters, come on over and join

765
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:40,040
Speaker 1: us in the Sister Circle. It's our cozy corner of

766
00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:43,279
Speaker 1: the Internet designed just for black women. You can join

767
00:44:43,360 --> 00:44:46,680
Speaker 1: us at community dot Therapy for Black Girls dot com.

768
00:44:46,719 --> 00:44:48,959
Speaker 1: Thank y'all so much for joining me again. This week.

769
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:52,160
Speaker 1: I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all

770
00:44:52,560 --> 00:45:02,840
Speaker 1: real soon. Take it care, the best plan open, the

771
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:03,560
Speaker 1: best wood