WEBVTT - The Fifth Hour: Where is Helmet Man? 0:00:00.760 --> 0:00:01.520 Cut booms. 0:00:02.360 --> 0:00:05.440 If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes 0:00:05.480 --> 0:00:09.280 a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants 0:00:09.280 --> 0:00:12.560 of the old Republic, a sol fastion of fairness. He 0:00:12.640 --> 0:00:15.560 treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the 0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:19.680 rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearinghouse of 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:23.560 hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:29.360 with Ben Mahller starts right now in. 0:00:29.280 --> 0:00:34.040 The air everywhere The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler 0:00:34.240 --> 0:00:38.680 and Danny g Radio. A happy Saturday to you as 0:00:38.720 --> 0:00:40.880 we are recording this early in the morning. You listen 0:00:40.920 --> 0:00:43.080 whenever you want. You don't have to listen today. Obviously 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:45.159 a lot of people listen throughout the week. But we 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:50.200 are here early on a Saturday, as the NFL will 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:55.240 continue tomorrow. We had Shade Jogis Alexander mess with the 0:00:55.240 --> 0:00:57.840 basketball gods. I guess that was the story that would 0:00:57.840 --> 0:01:00.520 have been a monologue last night. He talked about the 0:01:00.960 --> 0:01:04.520 thunder trying to set the record for wins and people 0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:05.160 up in arms. 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:08.279 You're messing with the basketball gods? What are you doing? 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:11.640 You know, all that nonsense. We will not talk about 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:12.000 that here. 0:01:12.120 --> 0:01:17.399 Instead, on this podcast, we have the choice love train true, 0:01:17.680 --> 0:01:20.520 and in addition to that, we will have time permitting 0:01:21.200 --> 0:01:26.000 the phrase of the week. But we begin with this, 0:01:26.280 --> 0:01:30.560 there is a truth that does not require sources. 0:01:30.600 --> 0:01:32.800 There's a truth that does not require sources. 0:01:33.480 --> 0:01:37.560 You don't need analytics, you don't need somebody who's verified 0:01:37.640 --> 0:01:40.000 on social media, you don't need one of those big 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:45.280 daytime people. Listen, there's a difference, and we've talked about 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:48.560 this a lot over the last couple of years on 0:01:48.600 --> 0:01:54.680 this podcast, and it's not a slight difference between daytime 0:01:55.240 --> 0:02:01.560 sports radio and nighttime sports radio. It's not a moderate upgrade. 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:05.240 It's not a slightly better ZIP code. It's a totally 0:02:05.280 --> 0:02:11.919 different ecosystem. The operation during the day it's like Planet 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:17.640 per Dium. You get SUVs with tinted windows that pick 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:19.960 you up and take you to work. You've got private 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:26.480 garages and security guards that outnumber producers and just just 0:02:26.560 --> 0:02:26.920 all that. 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:27.480 All that. 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:33.480 The daytime guys broadcasts from gated communities with hedge hedges 0:02:33.520 --> 0:02:39.200 that are manicured with precision, and they've got people that 0:02:39.240 --> 0:02:40.880 look out for them and all that stuff. They have 0:02:40.919 --> 0:02:44.320 parking spots that are reserved for them, and all that stuff. 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:47.760 Now when you do the overnight show. We fend for ourselves. 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:49.800 We fend for ourselves. It's a badge of honor. 0:02:49.880 --> 0:02:50.880 Right. We travel light. 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:54.440 We don't have an entourage, we don't have seven producers, 0:02:54.520 --> 0:02:57.120 and all of our travel paid for, and all that 0:02:57.160 --> 0:03:01.760 we live dangerously. For example, the male praying that the 0:03:01.919 --> 0:03:06.359 check engine light is merely decorative. In fact, this weekend, 0:03:06.360 --> 0:03:09.640 the malamobile is sitting in a repair shop as we 0:03:09.720 --> 0:03:12.600 speak right now. More on that later, which brings me 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:18.280 to earlier in the week. Sofi Stadium, or as it 0:03:18.320 --> 0:03:23.560 is affectionately called by our friend, Sofa stadium, because it 0:03:23.600 --> 0:03:28.040 looks like something you'd recline on while watching a rerun 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:30.639 of House Hunters, or you just don't know how to 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:31.560 pronounce so far. 0:03:32.639 --> 0:03:34.840 So just it looks like it might be sofas it's 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:35.680 called sofa. 0:03:36.120 --> 0:03:39.680 It's proudly in Inglewood, in the hood and up to 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:44.120 no good, a neighborhood that blends clamor grit like a 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:48.480 cocktail that shouldn't work but somehow does. And I was there. 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:51.240 I was there from Monday night football last week. The 0:03:51.280 --> 0:03:56.320 Philadelphia football team was in town to take on the Chargers, and, 0:03:56.800 --> 0:04:00.000 as is the normal case, I have to leave early 0:04:00.280 --> 0:04:02.680 to beat the traffic. So as the fourth quarter began, 0:04:03.720 --> 0:04:07.200 I did what every overnight sports talk radio host who 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:08.320 attends games has to do. 0:04:08.400 --> 0:04:09.040 I left early. 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:12.680 Not out of disrespect, not trying to mess with the 0:04:12.720 --> 0:04:16.400 football gods, but out of survival. There is a show 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:21.040 to do and the commute I must endure. And because 0:04:21.080 --> 0:04:25.600 of the circadian rhythm that I have and being up 0:04:25.640 --> 0:04:28.520 all night and actually having to be on time. One 0:04:28.560 --> 0:04:30.200 of the things about these jobs you can't be late. 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:32.800 You can't be late. You got to be when the 0:04:32.839 --> 0:04:35.120 show starts at a certain time. You can't push it back, 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:36.640 be like I'll be there ten minutes later. No, no, 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:39.039 you got to be there when it starts. So as 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:44.599 I exited so Fi or Sofa Stadium through the VIP 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:50.040 media entrance, I was immediately confronted with what we call 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:53.880 the choice. I was confronted with the choice. Some would say, 0:04:53.880 --> 0:04:57.920 it's a fourk in the road now number one. Option 0:04:58.000 --> 0:05:01.359 Number one was I could turn right now. If you 0:05:01.400 --> 0:05:05.880 turn right, I had a short walk to the malmobile 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:10.440 safety predictability. Those were all the options on Option one 0:05:10.520 --> 0:05:13.560 to the right now. Option two was to the left. 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:15.839 That was a much longer walk. That would have taken 0:05:15.880 --> 0:05:20.599 me past the NFL Network studios and past the old 0:05:20.680 --> 0:05:23.520 Great Western Forum where it's called something else now, but 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:26.200 the Lakers used to play and the Kings played there 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:30.320 back in the day. So option two left turn longer 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:35.760 walk past the NFL Network, possibly also the Forum. 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:38.520 As I said, and if the stars. 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:41.320 Were to align, there would be a run in with 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:45.880 a man known as Helmet Man, a character on the show. 0:05:46.400 --> 0:05:50.240 Now for those that are somehow unfamiliar with the legend 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:52.560 that is Helmet Man, and shame on you if you are, 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:55.599 it's a bad job by you. He is not merely 0:05:55.720 --> 0:05:58.680 a character in the Malard militia. He is an institution, 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:05.040 Helmet Man. I have known this man since the nineteen nineties. 0:06:05.080 --> 0:06:09.360 It's been a generation plus that I've known Helmet Man 0:06:09.680 --> 0:06:13.960 back when local radio was loud and unfiltered and gave 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:17.839 strong opinions, even criticized the local teams right and was 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:22.360 one bad caller away from FCC intervention. Not now where 0:06:22.400 --> 0:06:25.479 it's grab ass and rah rah and all that. Now, 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:30.040 Helmet Man is from Baltimore. And if you didn't know 0:06:30.240 --> 0:06:32.479 Helmet Man was from Baltimore, you just have to run 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:35.240 into him wearing his Oriole stuff or his Raven stuff 0:06:35.320 --> 0:06:38.440 or whatever. And when I say he's from Baltimore, not 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:43.520 just casually, it's like a religious situation for Helmet Man. 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:47.080 The man famously once appeared. I ran into him downtown 0:06:47.160 --> 0:06:49.960 Los Angeles, just adjacent to skid Row at the arena 0:06:50.000 --> 0:06:53.440 formerly known as Staples Center, and he was wearing a 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:59.360 full Baltimore Orioles uniform, not just the jersey, not a hat, 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:04.440 the uniform, batting gloves, he had the helmet. He was 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:09.279 doing cal Ripken cosplay, and it was as if Camden 0:07:09.400 --> 0:07:12.880 Yards had sprouted legs and wandered to the West Coast 0:07:13.120 --> 0:07:15.080 and he was waiting to go into the batter's box 0:07:15.080 --> 0:07:18.480 for the Orioles. So Helmet Man, let's just say he's 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:24.600 semi retired. He does sell memorabilia. He sells what some 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.679 would call crap, other people would say very valuable items. 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:32.640 At least the items strongly resemble memorabilia. 0:07:32.960 --> 0:07:34.480 I don't know if they actually are or not. 0:07:34.640 --> 0:07:38.360 But outside of NFL network, and he's called into the 0:07:38.360 --> 0:07:41.040 Overnight Show a few times, he always says, well, are 0:07:41.080 --> 0:07:42.560 you going to be at the game, And I'm like, well, 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:43.760 I don't know, if I'll be at the game. And 0:07:43.760 --> 0:07:44.840 then I said, well I'll be at the game, and 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:48.040 say okay, I'm gonna be there. And so think of 0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:54.000 helmet Man as a roaming museum gift shop. There is 0:07:54.080 --> 0:07:58.280 no return policy. He only takes cash, and the often, 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:02.400 you know, he often tis of the items. It's questionable. 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:05.600 So naturally, again we go back to the choice. I 0:08:05.640 --> 0:08:08.520 had option one, option two I chose. Naturally, I chose 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:14.280 option number two. And Overnight Radio trains you to embrace 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:18.000 the absurd, and we love it. We look forward to 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:22.400 it that the daytime shows take calls from Steven Scott 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:27.800 style and let's go to Mikensan Francisco the overnight talk show. 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:30.760 Though we get mouthwash Mike telling us how he's been 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:35.160 banned from all the MGM properties and all the Caesars properties, 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:37.840 and yet he wants to go swimming through the fountains 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:42.000 at the Belagio. That's mouthwash Mike, right, followed by a 0:08:42.040 --> 0:08:46.200 call from Jet who fled Who's calling from a shed 0:08:46.679 --> 0:08:51.439 whispering about some nonsense and then dropping Glenn Beck's name 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:54.559 in while listening to a police scanner hoping not to 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:57.719 get caught. You don't avoid the weirdness. You kind of 0:08:57.800 --> 0:08:59.520 lean into it. You got to lean into it when 0:08:59.559 --> 0:09:03.040 you do night show. So I started walking and walking. 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:06.120 So I walked out of the gate I was supposed 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:08.560 to be at. I made the left turn. I walked 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:13.200 down about one hundred yards and then I had to 0:09:13.240 --> 0:09:15.760 make another turn. I had to turn left. So then 0:09:15.800 --> 0:09:18.240 I turned left, and I kept walking and walking and 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:22.240 walking and walking. It felt less like leaving a stadium 0:09:22.240 --> 0:09:26.080 and more like wandering the Sahara Desert, except instead of 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:30.280 sand dunes, I was surrounded by hot dog vendors rhythmically 0:09:30.360 --> 0:09:33.160 tapping their grills, chanting hot TC, hot Doc, got Doc, 0:09:33.200 --> 0:09:37.080 Hot Doc. The bacon wrapped hot dog, a staple, that 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:42.679 sausage that glistened under the fluorescent lights of these little carts, 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:44.360 just a staple of southern California. 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:47.479 Go into sport events, and the smell kind of clung. 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:47.760 In the air. 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:50.679 It was like a at tax almost. You could smell 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:52.840 the tacks and you're like trying to tempt you to 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:53.920 get one of their hot dogs. 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:57.480 So I passed by those people. I kept going. I walked, 0:09:57.520 --> 0:09:58.320 I walked, I walked. 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:01.280 I passed a couple of dumpsters, and I did not 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:03.280 realize this at the time, but I was given a show. 0:10:03.480 --> 0:10:04.840 It was a walk in a show. 0:10:05.240 --> 0:10:08.600 So I'm going past the dumpsters and I got our 0:10:08.640 --> 0:10:14.160 own Olympic diving. Someone call it dumpster diving. And these 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:16.600 men dove in there with the grace of a gymnast, 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:20.480 chasing recyclable glory. It was gritty, it was chaotic, it 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:23.640 was dirty, it was smelly. It was unmistakably la or 0:10:23.640 --> 0:10:26.440 in this case, in the hood in Inglewood. Now I 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:31.080 am happy to report that eventually I did reach the 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:35.520 NFL network building, the Promised Land, and I saw the 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:39.400 logo right there, the propaganda arm of the NFL, the 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:41.960 state sponsored media, all that. So I looked at it 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:45.320 to the left. I then went to the right. I 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:47.240 went back to the left. I went back to the 0:10:47.360 --> 0:10:53.439 right and pressed DOW. What did I see? A whole 0:10:54.000 --> 0:10:59.559 giant bag of nothing. A whole giant bag of nothing. 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:05.920 Zippo helmet Man was nowhere to be found. Now I 0:11:06.080 --> 0:11:08.960 carefully planned game. I again had a fork in the road. 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:14.120 I go right, go left, I went left, and yeah, 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:19.160 the spin off of Where's Waldo and it's Where's helmet Man? 0:11:19.200 --> 0:11:22.960 Had collapsed. There was no helmet man. There was no 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:26.720 man wearing orio gear, no rogue memorabilia merchant in the 0:11:26.800 --> 0:11:30.840 night lurking in the shadows. Nope, my plan was foiled 0:11:30.920 --> 0:11:34.720 yet again. So I turned back. I found the malamobile 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:39.680 and began the nightly pilgrimage to the palatial studios just 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:43.839 down the hill from bel Air in beautiful Sherman Oaks, California. 0:11:44.080 --> 0:11:49.040 A phrase that sounds luxurious until you're circling the parking 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:51.360 lot in the middle of the night. 0:11:51.800 --> 0:11:54.880 So inside the studio I made it safely. 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:59.680 I was continuing my copious amounts of preparation for the 0:11:59.679 --> 0:12:03.199 over show, and I watched the final moments of the 0:12:03.240 --> 0:12:07.160 Monday night football game that did go to overtime, overtime 0:12:07.240 --> 0:12:09.800 before the Chargers pulled it off. 0:12:10.000 --> 0:12:12.280 Very nice of Jane on Hurst to turn the ball 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:16.200 over five times in that game. So that was that. 0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:19.400 I watched the end of the Monday night game getting 0:12:19.440 --> 0:12:24.440 ready for my show, kind of calm, quiet and the 0:12:25.040 --> 0:12:30.040 just mellowness before the madness, the mellowness before the madness. 0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:33.120 So then I get a call on my phone and 0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:35.360 as I don't know who that is, and I answer 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:39.000 the phone and say it's Ben. Hey, is this Ben Mahler. 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:41.720 It's helmet Man on the other month, I said, of 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:44.880 course it was. Of course it was. Come on, helmet Man, 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:46.760 you know you called me. What do you think somebody 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:49.480 else is gonna answer my phone? All right, so you 0:12:49.559 --> 0:12:53.840 realize you're like the only guy left that uses that technology. Yeah, 0:12:53.880 --> 0:12:59.280 what do you think about the oil? That is a 0:12:59.400 --> 0:13:03.480 classic line, helmet man, We just got a new drop, 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:10.280 so I answered immediately, and then was interrogated. And then 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:14.200 I interrogated him. That's what seasoned detectives do. He asked 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:16.880 where I was. I said, what do you mean where 0:13:16.960 --> 0:13:18.960 I was? You told me you were going to be 0:13:18.960 --> 0:13:22.840 outside the NFL Network building. You were not there, and 0:13:22.920 --> 0:13:25.520 he sighed and he said you know because I said 0:13:25.520 --> 0:13:28.760 what happened? And helmet Man says, I didn't make it 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:30.880 to the game. I said, I know that I was there. 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:32.720 I didn't see you, So why didn't you make it 0:13:32.800 --> 0:13:37.920 the game? And then came the most helmet man answer imaginable. 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:45.560 He said, in a straight, dead pan delivery, I was 0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:50.360 in the shower. What he said, I got in the shower, 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:55.559 and he said he stayed for roughly ninety minutes and 0:13:55.600 --> 0:13:57.760 he missed the bus that he was supposed to. Apparently 0:13:57.800 --> 0:13:59.240 he doesn't live right next I thought he lived right 0:13:59.280 --> 0:14:00.119 next to Sofia. 0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:00.679 He does not. 0:14:01.400 --> 0:14:03.920 He takes a bus there. He missed the bus. So 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:08.040 ninety minutes. Let me remind it, ninety minutes to do something. 0:14:08.120 --> 0:14:12.760 Most people doing about two minutes ninety minute shower and 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:17.280 the rest of us are able to navigate this shower 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:20.440 and a limited amount of time. But Helmet Man, he 0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:24.520 was like marinating like a human tea bag in the shower, 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:25.760 and that right. 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:30.280 There is what we do. That is the type that 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:31.200 we get. 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:34.000 Helmet Man in the shower for ninety minutes, even though 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:36.080 he'd said on the air's like I got to meet you. 0:14:36.080 --> 0:14:39.000 I want to meet you right in from the NFL network. Okay, fine, 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:39.840 we'll do it. 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:43.760 I'm actually on the live air. Yes you're on the. 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:48.280 And there we were, so and listen. I would not 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:49.160 trade this for anything. 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:49.680 I love it. 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:52.160 I have a great time with the people that are 0:14:52.240 --> 0:14:53.520 characters on the show, and. 0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:57.520 The fact that it's just real. It's just different, right, 0:14:57.560 --> 0:14:58.040 It's raw. 0:14:58.120 --> 0:15:02.440 It's the wild wild West of podcasting, populated by night 0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:07.240 shift workers and zombiacs, truck drivers, conspiracy theorists, loyal foot 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:10.160 soldiers in the malord militia and beyond. 0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:10.840 And it's a. 0:15:10.760 --> 0:15:15.480 Little community, little community bonded not by the ratings, not 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:19.640 by contract bonuses or even any raises at all, not 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:23.320 by valet parking, not by being sent on trips on 0:15:23.400 --> 0:15:24.200 the company dime. 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:27.440 No no, no, by shared chaos. 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:30.040 The daytime guys they get all the gadgets and the 0:15:30.080 --> 0:15:32.360 gizmos and the dew hickeys, and they get their ass 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:36.680 kissed and all that stuff. But we have recurring characters 0:15:37.400 --> 0:15:41.400 who disappear for ninety minutes or longer to take a shower. 0:15:42.200 --> 0:15:44.120 You'd think this would be the cleanest person in the world. 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:44.520 It's not. 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:49.880 And somewhere in all of this madness, a new holiday 0:15:49.920 --> 0:15:55.720 tradition was born. Forget the hottest gadget, forget the AI toaster, 0:15:55.880 --> 0:15:59.000 forget whatever the tech people in. 0:15:59.000 --> 0:16:01.280 Northern California are selling you this week. 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:06.640 The hottest gift for kids this Christmas, Sitting proudly atop 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:09.600 Santa's wish list is Where's Waldo two point zero? 0:16:09.960 --> 0:16:11.680 The helmet Man addition. 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:15.120 Now it's the same premise, all right, the same premise, 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:18.760 but it's a much tougher game. Instead of a striped shirt. 0:16:18.960 --> 0:16:22.160 Instead of striped shirt. You're searching for a roaming Baltimore 0:16:22.320 --> 0:16:27.040 sports logo like an oriole hat or a raven ad 0:16:27.440 --> 0:16:31.040 something along night along those lines. Who may or may 0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:34.920 not be wearing a full uniform, you never know, and 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:38.600 may or may not be selling quote authentic memorabilia, and 0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:42.560 may or may not be stuck in the shower while 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:44.800 the rest of the world is at the stadium. So 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:50.240 the difficulty level on the new game here, Where's Waldo? 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:54.160 The two point zero the Helmet Man Edition? The difficulty 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:57.640 level is extreme, The odds are long, the payoff pure 0:16:57.840 --> 0:17:03.640 overnight radio bliss underpast the chanting hot dog vendors, hot Dog, 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:07.120 hot Dog, hot Dog, hot Dog. You dodge dumpster divers, 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:12.320 You circle NFL Network like a detective under flickering lights, 0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:17.480 and just when you think you've lost the phone rings, 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:22.080 it's helmet Man. He wasn't there, he was never there, 0:17:22.160 --> 0:17:24.120 but somehow he still wins. 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:27.040 See that is overnight. 0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:30.120 Radio in a nutshell, a world that again, the daytime 0:17:30.200 --> 0:17:33.560 guys will just never understand. They don't get it. And 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:38.800 where's helmet Man exactly? That's the point. Where is Helmet Man? 0:17:40.160 --> 0:17:43.560 All right? Now turning the page on that I was. 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:45.520 I didn't want to mention this story because we talk 0:17:45.560 --> 0:17:47.440 about the life of Mather, a life of. 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:49.520 Danny g when Danny joins us every once in a while. 0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:54.120 But I was summoned. I was summoned to the Inland Empire. 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:57.920 If you're not familiar with the geography of southern California, 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:01.120 it's called the Inland Empire for a reason. You spend 0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:04.040 about five hours in traffic to get there. So this 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:08.240 was last weekend, and I was not subpoened. Normally people 0:18:08.280 --> 0:18:11.000 go to that part of town because you're subpoened. I 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:15.919 wasn't extradited. I was requested. And there's a difference between 0:18:15.960 --> 0:18:20.520 being subpoened, extradited, and requested. When your presence is requested 0:18:21.080 --> 0:18:28.280 for a concert featuring the OJS, the Commodores and Sister Sledge, 0:18:28.400 --> 0:18:32.000 you don't ask any follow up questions, You don't check 0:18:32.040 --> 0:18:32.480 the weather. 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:35.240 You just hop in the malamobile. 0:18:35.280 --> 0:18:38.480 You load up the wife and your caravan, and you 0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:40.800 get out there and meet a bunch of her coworkers, 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:46.040 and you point yourself towards Ontario like you're chasing the 0:18:46.080 --> 0:18:48.720 final clue in a late night scavenger hunt. So the 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:54.200 marketing copy that I was given for this shindig promised 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:59.919 timeless hits, unforgettable music, which is always interesting phrasing. 0:19:00.480 --> 0:19:01.760 I always interesting. 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:06.480 Phrasing because if something is truly timeless, if I have 0:19:06.560 --> 0:19:11.119 somebody's timeless, it technically shouldn't need to be remembered. It 0:19:11.359 --> 0:19:18.360 should just exist, like gravity, for example, or Costco's rotisserie chickens. 0:19:18.400 --> 0:19:22.080 They just exist. There's no rhyme or reason. They just 0:19:22.160 --> 0:19:24.880 happen to exist. And if you're new to the mal 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:28.760 Ard militia or relatively new, here's the thing about me 0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:34.320 and music. I was not born with the music gene. 0:19:34.320 --> 0:19:37.560 I am deficient in the music gene. I like music. 0:19:38.520 --> 0:19:43.679 I listen to music, however, it's mostly like wallpaper. It 0:19:43.760 --> 0:19:48.560 kind of fills up space. I respond to rhythm, to 0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:51.760 the beat, to the vibe. I respond to that. Lyrics 0:19:51.760 --> 0:19:57.399 are often just syllables writing shotgun and a lot of 0:19:57.440 --> 0:19:59.960 people in my life love the lyrics and they love 0:20:00.200 --> 0:20:03.639 to remember the lyrics. With rare exceptions, I don't. Johnny Cash, 0:20:03.680 --> 0:20:07.879 for example, would be one the man in Black. I 0:20:07.960 --> 0:20:11.400 hear words that he says and I just know the lyrics. 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:15.320 I feel like I'm being told the story, not just 0:20:15.359 --> 0:20:20.399 a nudge into the mood. So again, walking into this 0:20:20.520 --> 0:20:26.359 concert hall, it felt like an odd juxtaposition. It did, 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:30.200 because there are groups whose songs I have referenced. 0:20:31.240 --> 0:20:32.400 These groups, are you know? 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:36.080 I've referenced these songs regularly over the years on the 0:20:36.200 --> 0:20:41.080 radio show, but mostly as linguistic tools. If you haven't 0:20:41.080 --> 0:20:43.840 figured out by now, and I'm putting together a monologue, 0:20:43.880 --> 0:20:45.960 I put bullet points together. But one of the things 0:20:46.040 --> 0:20:47.640 I like to do is spice it up a little 0:20:47.720 --> 0:20:52.800 Kayenne Pepper and their little Hallapano. And so something strange happened. 0:20:52.880 --> 0:20:56.240 As I was settling into my seat to watch all 0:20:56.280 --> 0:20:58.679 of these old school groups get together. 0:20:58.800 --> 0:20:59.400 It hit me. 0:21:00.920 --> 0:21:04.800 That not emotionally like a Pixar moment. It wasn't one 0:21:04.840 --> 0:21:10.280 of those things, not intellectually like realizing you've been unknowingly 0:21:10.400 --> 0:21:15.600 speaking these tunes your entire life. I was there for nostalgia. 0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:19.399 I was there for I guess recognition. I don't know 0:21:19.400 --> 0:21:22.680 if that's the right word. But for example, take the Commodores, 0:21:23.640 --> 0:21:26.400 and that is a group it was very popular million 0:21:26.480 --> 0:21:32.600 years ago. I have used brick House forever. A team 0:21:32.720 --> 0:21:34.880 does not shoot the ball well on a given night 0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:35.639 in the NBA. 0:21:35.880 --> 0:21:37.920 They are a break house. 0:21:38.720 --> 0:21:42.160 I've done that, a team clanking jumpers like they've been 0:21:42.520 --> 0:21:47.600 sponsored by a home depot, brick house. And they have 0:21:47.640 --> 0:21:51.159 another song, the Commodore's Night Shift. Now that's not just 0:21:51.200 --> 0:21:55.000 a song, that is a that's kind of the soundtrack 0:21:55.040 --> 0:21:57.960 of my life. That that's me driving through the north 0:21:58.000 --> 0:22:00.480 Woods at three forty in the morning, whatever it might be, 0:22:00.840 --> 0:22:05.359 living life on vampire hours, doing radio while the rest 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:09.480 of the world snores. Some even call up to snore, 0:22:09.560 --> 0:22:16.560 like hollering James. So I didn't learn those things. I 0:22:16.640 --> 0:22:20.920 absorbed them and they became part of my language. Same 0:22:20.960 --> 0:22:24.760 for the Ojs. Not that oj he's dead, but the Ojays, 0:22:24.840 --> 0:22:27.840 another old school group. They came up with the tune 0:22:27.920 --> 0:22:31.800 love Train True True, and that is a recurring bit. 0:22:31.840 --> 0:22:34.320 We talk about Travis Kelcey and Taylor Swift. They're on 0:22:34.359 --> 0:22:38.760 the love train. True Yeah, I love train pulling into 0:22:38.800 --> 0:22:40.919 the station, a locker room romance. 0:22:41.240 --> 0:22:43.480 All of the above and sunshine. 0:22:44.000 --> 0:22:49.800 That's the sonic equivalent of saying a team had good vibes, 0:22:50.280 --> 0:22:56.639 good juju, solar powered optimism, and you don't analyze it, 0:22:56.680 --> 0:23:00.760 you just kind of deployed. Then there is cis Sledge 0:23:01.000 --> 0:23:03.600 now Price, I don't care about Sisters Sledge. I don't 0:23:03.600 --> 0:23:05.960 even know what that is. Well, one of their songs 0:23:06.440 --> 0:23:09.840 was amazing back in the day. It was that we 0:23:10.080 --> 0:23:14.000 are familyite, we are family Now. I have used that 0:23:14.040 --> 0:23:16.440 phrase so many times it might as well be stamped 0:23:16.440 --> 0:23:20.600 on my forehead. And teams who are really clicking, like 0:23:20.680 --> 0:23:24.760 Oklahoma City, Oklahoma State really clicking for the most part. 0:23:24.840 --> 0:23:25.040 Right. 0:23:26.359 --> 0:23:28.240 The word that people love to use because there's no 0:23:28.280 --> 0:23:33.439 way to debunk it is chemistry and that and so 0:23:33.600 --> 0:23:39.040 we are family not just a song. It's a shorthanded cohesion. 0:23:39.440 --> 0:23:42.480 It's for harmony, for vibes, all that. 0:23:42.640 --> 0:23:47.040 And yes, it was in the late nineteen seventies the 0:23:47.480 --> 0:23:53.679 soundtrack for the Pittsburg Pirates the Buckos, which means it lives. 0:23:53.720 --> 0:23:57.280 It does live at the intersection of sports, music and mythology. 0:23:57.880 --> 0:23:59.760 The late great Dave Parker. 0:24:00.520 --> 0:24:03.359 Parker was part of this podcast and was part of 0:24:03.400 --> 0:24:06.120