WEBVTT - Mom Guilt 0:00:03.960 --> 0:00:12.160 Who baby, my baby beloved. I need you, Oh how 0:00:12.480 --> 0:00:16.720 I need you. What to Expect is a production of 0:00:16.840 --> 0:00:20.880 My Heart Radio. I'm your host Heidi Murkoff, and I'm 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:23.480 a mom on a mission, a mission to help you 0:00:23.520 --> 0:00:29.319 know what to expect every step of the way. I 0:00:29.360 --> 0:00:31.200 don't know this for a fact, but I have a 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:34.279 hunch that ever since there have been moms, there has 0:00:34.360 --> 0:00:38.680 been mom guilt, that nagging feeling that no matter what 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:42.800 we do for our little ones, it's never quite enough. No, 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:47.159 today's moms didn't invent mom guilt, but we have gotten really, 0:00:47.360 --> 0:00:51.120 really good at it. We feel guilty about everything we 0:00:51.159 --> 0:00:54.920 do and everything we don't do. Today, Emma and I, 0:00:55.000 --> 0:00:58.960 both Guilty of Mom Guild, are taking on this beast 0:00:59.040 --> 0:01:02.600 of an emotion to figure out what's normal, what's not, 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:05.919 and what we can do about it, with the help 0:01:06.000 --> 0:01:11.280 of our best resource of all, So What to Expect Community, Sarah, 0:01:11.360 --> 0:01:14.840 What to Expect Community Director is joining us again with 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:20.600 questions and insights from our amazing moms. Hey, Sarah, Hey Heidi, 0:01:20.680 --> 0:01:24.800 Hi Emma, Hi love h So excited to be here again, 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:28.080 especially with this topic of mom guilt, which we see 0:01:28.280 --> 0:01:32.039 impacting moms in so many different ways. We posted a 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:35.200 call out on our Instagram and in our community to 0:01:35.319 --> 0:01:40.160 see what's affecting moms today. So we found out a lot. 0:01:40.959 --> 0:01:44.440 Yeah that we probably mostly knew. But one thing is 0:01:44.480 --> 0:01:49.480 that mom Guild actually starts before you officially become a mom. 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:53.680 For a lot of women were over thinkers, over analyzers, 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:58.560 micro managers from way back. And so we come up 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:01.200 with a birth plan and when things don't go according 0:02:01.240 --> 0:02:02.960 to plan, and by the way, we do have to 0:02:03.000 --> 0:02:07.200 rename the birth plan because unless you're writing in a pencil, 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:09.840 it's so not going to go down that way. Anyway. 0:02:09.840 --> 0:02:13.840 We can't control the birth of our baby. But sometimes 0:02:13.840 --> 0:02:16.560 moms feel guilty about the kind of birth that they 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:20.160 end up having. I mean, Sarah, you you've probably heard 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:23.840 a lot about that in the community. Yeah, definitely. I mean, 0:02:23.880 --> 0:02:27.240 I think there's so many times where you think, like 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:29.280 you said, you have a birth plan, you're going to 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:32.480 have a natural labor, or you end up having an 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:36.519 epidural or even a C section. Yeah, and this isn't new. 0:02:36.600 --> 0:02:40.720 I have to say these sections were considered by mom's. 0:02:40.720 --> 0:02:44.960 I would get these pained letters saying I had a 0:02:45.000 --> 0:02:47.960 C section, I failed myself, I failed my baby. I 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:51.839 failed my partner, as if birth were a test said 0:02:51.880 --> 0:02:54.000 you could pass or fail, which of course it is not. 0:02:54.280 --> 0:02:57.400 You know, a successful birth is one where the mom 0:02:57.440 --> 0:03:00.320 and baby are both healthy, you know. Honestly, for me, 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:03.600 like when I was in labor of Sebastian, like five 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:07.320 weeks early, I was guilty that I failed him by 0:03:07.840 --> 0:03:11.200 my body failed him by having him come too soon, 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:13.880 and I was like, I ruined his pregnancy experience. He 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:16.040 doesn't get to stay inside me and stay safe and 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:20.839 warm in there. I felt guilty literally in that hospital bed, 0:03:20.960 --> 0:03:24.000 which I had zero control over, and I felt that 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:26.320 guilt like it was my fault and your water brook, 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:28.200 so he had no toy, my water brook. There was 0:03:28.240 --> 0:03:31.799 nothing I could do. My body was doing it for me, 0:03:32.200 --> 0:03:35.080 and that was hard. So another thing that we heard 0:03:35.200 --> 0:03:38.320 a lot about just in this never ending wave of 0:03:38.360 --> 0:03:42.280 mom guilt was around feeding. That was something that a 0:03:42.280 --> 0:03:45.240 lot of moms said they're having guilt around, whether it's 0:03:45.280 --> 0:03:48.560 like breastfeeding or all that. And Emma, I know I've 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:51.440 heard you talk about that a little bit before. Yeah, 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:54.400 So for me, I wasn't able to produce milk, so 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:57.680 I felt like I was failing as a mom in 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:01.600 like the eyes of society. At least, my whole goal 0:04:01.760 --> 0:04:04.240 was to breastfeed. I didn't buy bottles, you know, I 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:07.160 didn't buy a pump. I wasn't prepared for like what 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:10.520 my body was going to throw at me. I felt 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:13.640 so much guilt for both kids. On my second one, 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:16.719 I felt guilt not only for my son, but also 0:04:16.760 --> 0:04:19.680 I felt like I was failing my husband. So it 0:04:19.760 --> 0:04:22.599 was just a lot and the worst part I'll never forget. 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:24.680 With Lennox, I took him to one Mommy and Me 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:28.520 class and I quit that day because everyone pulled out 0:04:28.520 --> 0:04:30.800 their breast and I pulled out a bottle of formula, 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:33.279 you know, and I felt like, oh, they're totally judging me. 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:36.799 I'm there's something wrong. Yeah. I think that's so common 0:04:36.960 --> 0:04:39.560 with the mom groups because I felt the same way, 0:04:39.600 --> 0:04:41.880 like I could breastfeed with one baby and not the other. 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:45.760 And then they would have like special sessions where lactation 0:04:45.800 --> 0:04:48.240 consultants would come in and help all the breastfeeding moms, 0:04:48.240 --> 0:04:49.839 and I would just like, I want to go cry 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:52.560 in the corner. Yeah, exactly. And of course, as we 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:55.760 always say on what to expect, there's no shame in 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:59.480 the feeding game. So that's something we always have to remember. 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:02.200 I just had mom said to me on Facebook that 0:05:02.360 --> 0:05:07.240 she hated breastfeeding both times and she's now pregnant again 0:05:07.279 --> 0:05:09.599 with her third and she's feeling guilty that she doesn't 0:05:09.680 --> 0:05:12.360 want to do it again. I had another mom who 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:16.080 just told me yesterday that she was racked with guilt 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:20.400 over the struggles she was having with breastfeeding. Listened to 0:05:20.560 --> 0:05:23.080 our breastfeeding podcast, which you guys can all go back 0:05:23.080 --> 0:05:26.400 and listen to, and felt so much better. And I 0:05:26.440 --> 0:05:30.279 feel like this is one area where guilt is pervasive, 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:33.280 but it shouldn't be. Yeah, and then of course there 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:36.200 are moms who who hate pumping and they want to 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:39.839 quit pumping. They feel guilty. Emma, we had to do 0:05:39.880 --> 0:05:42.960 an intervention with you to get you. Just lost my 0:05:43.040 --> 0:05:46.480 nipple from mastitis. I had some mistitis so many times, 0:05:46.520 --> 0:05:48.440 but in that case, I was just on a mission 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:54.279 to make milk, regardless of the consequences. So another major 0:05:54.400 --> 0:05:58.800 theme for our moms are difficulty around childcare and the 0:05:58.880 --> 0:06:02.119 time spent away for your little one. So many moms 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:05.800 said going back to work working too much. It starts 0:06:05.800 --> 0:06:08.840 with like the base of feeling guilty about work in general, 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:12.239 and then just every day there's something tied to that 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:15.480 that you know, makes moms feel like they're not doing 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:18.600 enough exactly by the way. You can feel this way 0:06:18.640 --> 0:06:21.520 working from home, and a lot of moms have been 0:06:21.520 --> 0:06:23.359 working at home. In fact, I kind of think that 0:06:23.480 --> 0:06:27.080 it's it's in so many ways harder because you can't 0:06:27.200 --> 0:06:31.640 separate your two jobs. It's so hard. And then there's 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:35.279 also you know, guilt around sending kids to daycare or 0:06:35.320 --> 0:06:39.000 whatever childcare that you go with. I think every decision 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:41.800 is is really tough along the way you question am 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:44.480 I doing the right thing? Yeah, when I'm working at home, 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:47.080 I'm in computer and Lennox like, hey, can we draw? 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:48.800 And I'm like, oh god, I have to do this 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:50.760 right now. So I feel guilty like I can't give 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:53.160 him that attention because he knows I'm here. So yeah, 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:56.839 it's almost harder when you're at home because it's like 0:06:56.920 --> 0:06:59.479 double guilt, you know, and it's hard. It's hard to 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:03.520 come part mentalized. And with daycare, you know, if you 0:07:03.560 --> 0:07:06.920 find good quality daycare, there are a lot of pluses there. 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:10.840 Kids get a lot of social interaction that they otherwise wouldn't. 0:07:10.880 --> 0:07:15.840 They also beef up their man system. But they are very, 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:19.760 very resilient, and we have to remember that. Yeah, I think, Emma, 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:23.160 what you said about that double guilt. Like you said, Heidi, 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:26.600 so many moms are working from home now, and it's 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:29.960 just like another level when your child is right there 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:32.320 looking at you, like, Mom, why aren't you paying attention 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:36.560 to me? Versus if they're actually outside of the home. Exactly, 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:40.160 all right, So let's talk about parenting guilt in general, 0:07:40.200 --> 0:07:42.560 because we had so many moms right in with different 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:45.880 forms of that. Basically, there's a million different ways to 0:07:45.880 --> 0:07:49.960 feel guilty. Oh my gosh. Well, Sebastian is like a 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:53.720 walking e er. Visit the first time when he was 0:07:53.760 --> 0:07:56.400 like sixteen months old, I was letting him play with 0:07:56.840 --> 0:07:58.440 bottles like he was giving them to me, and he 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.520 dropped it and slashed his leg. I had to call 0:08:01.640 --> 0:08:04.160 them one one one the ambulance, and I felt so 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:06.800 much guilt. Yeah, well, what I mean, seriously, what are 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:09.960 you gonna do? Bubble wrap the guy? But like Lenox 0:08:10.000 --> 0:08:12.200 never had one stitch in knock on wood. But like 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:15.560 Sebby's like a walking shows that you don't need to 0:08:15.560 --> 0:08:21.360 feel guilty about this because it's more about Sebby's personality. Yeah, 0:08:21.400 --> 0:08:25.040 he's just a real go gether exactly. Lenox is a 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:27.800 little more cautious. Yeah. I think it's hard to you know, 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:30.200 whenever your kids get hurt, like my son broke his 0:08:30.280 --> 0:08:33.280 leg and I was the most traumatic thing in the world. Like, 0:08:33.360 --> 0:08:36.120 it's just whenever your kids are hurt, it hurts you, 0:08:36.360 --> 0:08:38.960 like you feed their pain, like it hurts so much, 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:41.320 and then you have the guilt on top of that. Yes, 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:44.439 also we you know we talk about feeling anger when 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:46.480 your kids won't go to sleep. I mean, who can't 0:08:46.480 --> 0:08:50.200 relate to that, like when you're just so exhausted, Oh 0:08:50.240 --> 0:08:53.040 my god, Yes, I can relate to that. What about 0:08:53.080 --> 0:08:59.600 guilt over the pandemic and it's impact on kids, you know, 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:02.760 they feel guilty that the kids aren't having the normal 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:06.280 social interactions. I am saying this the other day. Semis 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:11.000 to his whole life has basically been inside during this pandemic. 0:09:11.120 --> 0:09:14.160 The first real year where he's like alert and cognitive 0:09:14.320 --> 0:09:17.640 of like life like what's happening has been inside And 0:09:17.679 --> 0:09:21.559 I feel bad. But again, kids are resilient, yes, yes, 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:24.840 and they are getting more time with you. Yeah, and 0:09:24.840 --> 0:09:27.800 they're handling it. Better than adults are. Okay, so this 0:09:27.880 --> 0:09:31.680 is a big one screen time mom guilt, both having 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:35.400 kids watch so much and also you yourself being on 0:09:35.440 --> 0:09:38.360 your phone. One of our moms said she feels guilt 0:09:38.400 --> 0:09:41.480 around letting kids watch TV while she gets things done, 0:09:41.920 --> 0:09:45.160 or specifically while she's making food and you know, her 0:09:45.160 --> 0:09:48.120 baby's crying or whatever. You know, I think this happens 0:09:48.160 --> 0:09:52.360 all the time, right, Yes, I mean, honestly, it's hard 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:55.520 not to feel guilty when your baby cries. But the 0:09:55.600 --> 0:09:58.800 reality is you are a mother in the real world 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:01.440 where tours have to get done, food has to get made, 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:05.240 and eating. You have to eat and sometimes I can't wait, 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:08.679 and that's important, yeah, or shower. I feel like it's 0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:10.880 a sign of the times in a sense. I felt 0:10:10.920 --> 0:10:13.400 guilty for a long time about screen time for them, 0:10:13.400 --> 0:10:16.800 but now this is what's normal as the years go on, 0:10:16.920 --> 0:10:20.960 like technology is becoming such a focal point of life. 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:25.160 And I think that what Sevy is watching on his iPad, 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:28.440 he'll watch things in Arabic, or he'll watch things like 0:10:28.880 --> 0:10:32.280 they're educational, and I really do notice him repeating things 0:10:32.840 --> 0:10:36.000 that he learned from his app. So if I can't 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:38.160 give him that full attention that he needs in that 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:41.760 moment at least he's learning something. It's a balancing act, right, 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:44.160 Like you're like, Okay, I need to have this time, 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:47.760 but how much time? I feel like I take it 0:10:47.880 --> 0:10:50.679 day by day? Yeah. Yeah, And of course there are 0:10:50.760 --> 0:10:53.319 days when you need to rely on that more than 0:10:53.360 --> 0:10:57.320 other days, and that's totally fine. So another topic that 0:10:57.480 --> 0:11:00.680 I know we want to talk about is sibling and 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:05.240 the guilt around siblings, which I think is never ending, 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:10.720 never ending battle. Right, Oh my gosh. Yes. My favorite 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:15.199 story is that I got went into labor with Sebastian 0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:18.840 and it was the morning, and I was like, Lennox 0:11:18.880 --> 0:11:20.600 has to go to school, he has to have a normal, 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:24.680 normal morning. So I literally sat there with constractions, making 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:28.400 him sausage, making him breakfast, and then I insisted on 0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:32.520 driving myself to the hospital in labor. Don't do that 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:36.160 so my husband could take him to school so he 0:11:36.200 --> 0:11:40.040 could have a normal day. And I drove myself to 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:41.840 the hospital. Like who took you here? Was like I 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:44.400 took myself. They're like oh no, no, no, no, no, no, 0:11:45.320 --> 0:11:49.960 so god, so nut, so nut. Yeah, I know, so understandable, 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:53.720 but so not true. And a lot of moms worry 0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:56.600 about having a second baby and how that's or third baby, 0:11:56.600 --> 0:11:59.000 and how that's going to impact the relationship with their 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:02.120 first baby. I had a mom on Facebook say that 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:05.040 she feels guilty about not having enough time for her 0:12:05.120 --> 0:12:08.960 first baby. Totally normal, or I remember you had a 0:12:09.000 --> 0:12:12.560 hard time thinking about loving another baby as much as 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:15.320 you loved Lennox. And I tell the some moms all 0:12:15.320 --> 0:12:17.920 the time, you love them differently because they are different 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:23.120 with different personalities, but you love them equally. There is 0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:25.760 enough love in your heart. I think a mom on 0:12:25.760 --> 0:12:29.600 my Facebook page summed up what so many moms feel, 0:12:30.200 --> 0:12:33.680 and that's never feeling good enough. Something else that someone 0:12:33.720 --> 0:12:36.440 said on Facebook was she goes to bed every night 0:12:36.520 --> 0:12:40.000 thinking about all the things that she should have done 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:44.079 different or better. That's the kind of guilt that we 0:12:44.160 --> 0:12:49.040 need to let go of. Always think about tomorrow. Go 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:52.840 to bed not thinking about what happened during this day, 0:12:52.880 --> 0:12:56.280 because this day is over, you know, Tomorrow's another day. 0:12:56.400 --> 0:12:58.679 We have so much pressure on ourselves, but we have 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:03.000 to remember limited of our species. Right, We're humans, hu 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:08.800 moms if you want moms, and we do have superpowers, 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:12.800 but we're still only human and we can always try harder, 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:18.320 but we won't ever achieve perfection or even anything approximating perfection. 0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:22.119 And I think that's really important to remember, Emma. Remember 0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:24.160 what we used to say when you guys were little. 0:13:24.559 --> 0:13:27.839 We would say, what's the best you can do? And 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.800 I can do the best I can do? The best 0:13:31.920 --> 0:13:34.640 you can do is the best you can do, and 0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:48.920 sometimes you would just say best best. Another thing I 0:13:48.960 --> 0:13:51.840 wanted to bring up the moms run into and their 0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:54.520 babies start to grow into toddlers, so if you're not 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:57.960 there yet, it could be coming. Is feeling guilty about 0:13:58.040 --> 0:14:01.959 having your own meltdown, so losing your temper or yelling 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:06.040 or feelings of resentment. Oh, I do that ship all 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:08.960 the time. Afterwards I say I'm sorry I yelled, and 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:11.840 you know he has a lot of big feelings because 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:14.440 they need to know that you're only human as well. Yeah, 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:17.520 and they need to know that when you lose your temper, 0:14:17.559 --> 0:14:20.760 you apologize and all it's good and a more positive 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:23.760 approach actually, instead of feeling guilty about yelling is to 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:28.000 take a beat. Take a beat, as you said, apologize, hug, 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:32.680 do something together, because sometimes guilt itself gives you, like 0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:35.720 the perfect excuse not to do something positive because you're 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:37.920 already feeling guilty about it. But in fact, you can 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:40.600 put a positive spin on it. You can use the 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:44.600 guild for good because guilt is inevitable. I mean we 0:14:44.680 --> 0:14:47.680 all have it, but a confessed or if you allow 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:50.600 it to build up, so you know, instead try to 0:14:50.640 --> 0:14:53.960 turn it into something positive and break the cycle instead 0:14:53.960 --> 0:14:56.280 of just like sitting on it and letting it ste 0:14:57.280 --> 0:15:01.280 We also ask moms where they find comfort and support from, 0:15:01.320 --> 0:15:04.200 like when the mom guilt comes on, and they really 0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:07.360 had some great answers. So many of them said they 0:15:07.360 --> 0:15:11.200 talked with their friends, family, other moms they trust and 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:13.920 use that as an outlet. And who do you go 0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:19.200 to for support? My mom? None of my friends have kids, 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:22.400 so it's really hard. Sometimes I go to social media 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:24.560 and then I feel like some of my followers I've 0:15:24.600 --> 0:15:27.800 kind of connected with, but usually good to my mom 0:15:28.040 --> 0:15:32.200 or your dad, Oh my dad. Yeah. We heard a 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:36.080 lot about supportive husband's right. One mom said her husband 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:39.960 told her you can't compare yourself to other moms. You 0:15:40.040 --> 0:15:43.280 don't know what their struggles or challenges are. Oh yeah, 0:15:43.520 --> 0:15:46.520 that's wisdom, that's wisdom, and that's what we're talking about. 0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:49.040 And her own mom also told her, you're the best 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:53.440 mom for your kids. That's a really important message because 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:57.840 nobody is better, nobody is better at parenting your children 0:15:58.080 --> 0:16:00.800 than you are. You are the best mom they ever had, 0:16:01.080 --> 0:16:06.040 literally moderately. And sometimes our moms say that obviously they 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:09.520 need to just talk to their therapist, right. I love 0:16:09.560 --> 0:16:12.080 to hear that because it's so important to know when 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:15.800 it's too much to handle on your own. Sometimes a 0:16:15.840 --> 0:16:20.080 mood disorder that hasn't been diagnosed or hasn't been properly treated, 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:24.560 you know, can exacerbate the guild and that's really hard 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:26.760 to get over on your own. And that's when you know, 0:16:27.600 --> 0:16:30.080 you should know to reach out. And and that's one 0:16:30.160 --> 0:16:33.360 positive step that you can take. I've done it, yeah 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:36.120 for sure. And you know, someone said it helps to 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:39.000 know other moms feel this way too. That's that's why 0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:42.800 that is so helpful to me. If someone has the 0:16:42.840 --> 0:16:46.320 same thing, you feel immediately better, Like it just gives 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:49.680 me this like blanket of comfort. Another positive step that 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:52.200 mom has talked about was baby hugs. I would argue 0:16:52.280 --> 0:16:55.200 hugs in general, but that that can help you get 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:58.840 over a lot of those feelings. Any negative feelings, you 0:16:59.040 --> 0:17:02.960 just melt into hug And I also want to empower 0:17:03.040 --> 0:17:05.800 you to realize that not all mom guilt is a 0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:08.960 bad thing. Well placed guilt, the right amount of the 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:12.320 right kind of guilt, is actually good for you. I mean, 0:17:12.560 --> 0:17:16.360 if you think about it, emotionally healthy people will always 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:19.479 feel some guilt. Children feel guilt, you know, when they 0:17:19.520 --> 0:17:21.560 do something wrong, they feel guilty about it. That means 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:25.760 we're raising empathetic little people. Because when we're empathetic and 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:28.680 we can put someone else's feelings ahead of our own, 0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:31.320 that's sort of the foundation of guilt. So that kind 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:33.320 of guilt is not a bad thing. That's what nurturing 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:35.960 actually takes. And it can in many ways make us 0:17:36.359 --> 0:17:41.399 more productive, you know, better citizens, more responsible, and in 0:17:41.440 --> 0:17:44.119 a way it's kind of fundamental to being a good parent. 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:48.680 But when it consumes us, it can actually become counterproductive, 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:51.600 Like I can't be good enough, so why bother trying? 0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:54.320 You know, that kind of guilt or if at least 0:17:54.359 --> 0:17:56.560 present on that, I never have time for myself, So 0:17:56.640 --> 0:17:59.680 I resent my kids and my partner. So I think 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:04.080 like breathing else and whether it's screen time, whatever, it's 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:07.919 about finding balance. Like anything else in your life, and 0:18:08.040 --> 0:18:11.000 especially in your parenting life, one of the best things 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:13.320 that we can do to feel better is to do 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:18.479 something nice for ourselves. Yeah, so we asked our moms 0:18:18.640 --> 0:18:20.679 what was one nice thing that they planned to do 0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:23.840 for themselves this week? And I love these responses. Some 0:18:23.920 --> 0:18:27.679 of these ideas feel like really small things, but you know, 0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:30.200 as busy moms, like you said earlier, Emma, just getting 0:18:30.200 --> 0:18:33.800 a shower is like a big wind sometimes. So I'm 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:35.359 going to go run through the list and we can 0:18:35.400 --> 0:18:37.360 kind of talk about our thoughts on this. And this 0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:39.800 may or may not be intentional, but the first one 0:18:39.840 --> 0:18:42.159 I have on the list is going to Target for 0:18:42.200 --> 0:18:47.240 one hour dangerous for Emma heaven. Yeah, except for my 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:50.919 credit card, but oh god, that sounds amazing. Just to 0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:56.679 like brows, not the toy section. A lot of our 0:18:56.720 --> 0:18:58.880 moms said that they do just to kind of take 0:18:58.960 --> 0:19:01.320 some time for them selves. Is to paint their nails. 0:19:01.359 --> 0:19:04.560 Really brings you so much happiness, right, just yeah, and 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:06.760 it really does, but also helps with anxiety. It's kind 0:19:06.760 --> 0:19:08.760 of like the paint by numbers things like, it's just 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:12.480 like soothing. Oh that would be soothing. Yeah. I did 0:19:12.520 --> 0:19:15.720 a paint by number of myself. Oh my gosh, you 0:19:15.760 --> 0:19:18.480 can get these paint by number kits of like photos. 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:21.439 And for our anniversary, I got the first picture I 0:19:21.440 --> 0:19:24.080 sent Simon. It was a super sexy selfie and I 0:19:24.119 --> 0:19:27.919 painted it paint by numbers. It was literally the most 0:19:28.440 --> 0:19:31.600 relaxing moment I've had this year. I was so sad 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:34.000 when it was over. But it's so easy, Like you 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:36.320 can get one of your baby and just paint it. 0:19:36.320 --> 0:19:40.919 It's amazing. That's so cool. So we also have on 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:43.119 the list taking a bath, and then a lot of 0:19:43.400 --> 0:19:46.440 I said, a lot of women said washing their hair, showering, 0:19:46.720 --> 0:19:49.280 But like a bath is like the ultimate, right, Like bath, 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:53.280 that's the treat. How about going for a walk. And 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:57.000 I feel like you're big into doing the family walk. Yeah, 0:19:57.000 --> 0:19:59.880 but I take walks with my kids, Like I made 0:19:59.880 --> 0:20:02.320 a sting we time because I don't think you know 0:20:02.400 --> 0:20:05.080 me time. It always has to be just me, But 0:20:05.160 --> 0:20:07.280 it can be we two if it's really fun and 0:20:07.359 --> 0:20:09.639 relaxing and a family walk and be that. Maybe not 0:20:09.720 --> 0:20:13.360 with Sebby, but with Lennox it's not relaxing at all. 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:15.840 Next wants to talk about video games the whole time 0:20:15.840 --> 0:20:17.360 and they want me to put them in trees. It's 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:20.399 not that relaxing. Don't you love pretending you're interested in 0:20:20.480 --> 0:20:26.240 video game talk? And God just go off and like really, 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:31.160 no way, Yeah, totally. I got a lot of comments 0:20:31.240 --> 0:20:36.040 that said wine in all caps past the wine. Another 0:20:36.080 --> 0:20:38.320 one we had was taking a nap, which is so 0:20:38.440 --> 0:20:41.000 hard to do that every single day, every single day 0:20:41.119 --> 0:20:44.120 when Sebi naps because I am tired and I nap 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:46.760 for like thirty minutes and I'm good. That's so good. 0:20:47.000 --> 0:20:49.200 And then another one on here was reading, which I 0:20:49.280 --> 0:20:51.600 just a lot of times I like to listen to 0:20:51.640 --> 0:20:55.359 audible or podcasts. I mean, that's pretty much my reading time. 0:20:55.400 --> 0:20:58.720 I think. I don't know what about you guys. Unless 0:20:58.720 --> 0:21:01.280 there's pictures like a magazine, like my mind will be 0:21:01.359 --> 0:21:05.119 too racing and going places that doesn't relax me. I 0:21:05.119 --> 0:21:07.120 had to read what to Expect when You're expecting to 0:21:07.160 --> 0:21:10.399 her because that was the only way to true. And 0:21:10.440 --> 0:21:13.959 then also someone said just going to her therapist was 0:21:14.359 --> 0:21:16.600 you know that me time, which kind of love to 0:21:16.640 --> 0:21:21.080 hear that. Right, Going anywhere let X is when I 0:21:21.119 --> 0:21:22.760 pick up Lettox, I have to get in there an 0:21:22.760 --> 0:21:26.200 hour early to get in line and that's a great 0:21:26.320 --> 0:21:29.840 me time. I listen to podcasts, I score Instagram, I'm 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:32.919 by myself, I'm my own little world. It's great. And 0:21:32.960 --> 0:21:35.560 it's literally just picking up my kid. And often you 0:21:35.640 --> 0:21:39.440 call me or you call dad. Yep, Heidi. What's your 0:21:39.480 --> 0:21:42.840 final word of advice for mom's listening and for yourself 0:21:43.119 --> 0:21:46.480 for dealing with mom guilt? The bottom line is mom 0:21:46.520 --> 0:21:50.359 guilt is part of the job description. My mom had it, 0:21:50.800 --> 0:21:54.280 Your mom's had it. You don't need to overdo mom 0:21:54.320 --> 0:21:56.800 guilt to be a good mom. You gotta cut yourself 0:21:56.840 --> 0:21:59.960 some slack, right. You are the best mom your little 0:22:00.000 --> 0:22:03.000 I've ever had. So give yourself a big round of 0:22:03.040 --> 0:22:07.320 applause and a big self hug. We're all in this together. 0:22:10.720 --> 0:22:18.680 Who baby belove, my baby love. I need you, Oh 0:22:18.680 --> 0:22:24.360 how I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember I'm always 0:22:24.400 --> 0:22:27.400 here for you. What to Expect is always here for you. 0:22:27.760 --> 0:22:30.760 We're all in this together. For more on what you 0:22:30.840 --> 0:22:34.240 heard on today's episode, visit what to Expect dot com 0:22:34.280 --> 0:22:37.520 slash podcast. You can also check out what to Expect 0:22:37.560 --> 0:22:40.520 when You're expecting, What to Expect the first Year, and 0:22:40.640 --> 0:22:44.080 the what to Expect app And we want to hear 0:22:44.200 --> 0:22:47.800 from you connect with us on our community message board 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:51.080 or on our social media. You can find me at 0:22:51.160 --> 0:22:55.160