WEBVTT - #40 Flipping the Switch 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:04.680 We're starting the show. Hell h I Suck Good Dating 0:00:05.000 --> 0:00:08.400 with Dean, Vanessa and Jared and I Heart Radio podcast. 0:00:11.200 --> 0:00:13.680 Hello and welcome to an all new episode of Help 0:00:13.840 --> 0:00:17.360 I Suck At Dating. My name is Jared. I'm joined 0:00:17.360 --> 0:00:23.239 by Vanessa Vanessa. You out there. Vanessa is here nine Studio. 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:25.200 As you can tell, Vanessa is here to talk to us. 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:27.520 Dean is still traveling all around the world. I think 0:00:27.520 --> 0:00:32.000 he's in France right now. I know, I'm pretty jealous. 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:34.000 I hope he's having a wonderful time, which he is. 0:00:34.040 --> 0:00:36.680 But we have a very special guest in studio to 0:00:36.760 --> 0:00:40.320 kick things off this episode. We have a relationship expert, 0:00:40.360 --> 0:00:44.080 a best selling author of five acclaimed books, none other 0:00:44.120 --> 0:00:47.480 than Charles J. Orlando. Thank you so much for joining 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:52.680 us today. No, thank you for having me. Yes so yeah, wow, 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:55.560 that was Yes, We're excited. We got balloons, we got horns, 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:57.600 were ready to go. So, Charles. You will also on 0:00:57.640 --> 0:01:03.120 the Lifetime UH Lifetime channel show Seven Year Switch, That's 0:01:03.160 --> 0:01:05.640 It Season three, Season three. Can you tell us a 0:01:05.680 --> 0:01:09.000 little bit about that? Oh? Absolutely? So. Seven Years Switch 0:01:09.160 --> 0:01:14.000 takes UH four couples that are in emotional turmoil and 0:01:14.280 --> 0:01:17.160 helps them reach a better place, uh, through a radical 0:01:17.200 --> 0:01:19.920 concept called switch therapy. They work with us, and they 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:22.640 end up working us being the experts, and they work 0:01:22.720 --> 0:01:26.520 with a like minded person who's going through something similar. 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:28.759 We keep a very close eye on them and put 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:31.480 them on an accelerated path for two weeks where we 0:01:31.520 --> 0:01:34.000 get them out of their bad patterns, remove all the 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:36.840 stuff that's causing them to head out a path towards 0:01:37.120 --> 0:01:40.560 divorce or further disconnection, uh, and get them to a 0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:43.039 better place, both individually and hopefully as a couple. So 0:01:43.080 --> 0:01:45.440 what is switched therapy? Like you said, you use switch 0:01:45.480 --> 0:01:47.920 therapy to fix this problem. So we work with the 0:01:48.320 --> 0:01:51.000 with the couples as married couples, and then we switch 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:53.440 them for two weeks so that they can get a 0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:56.440 better So you're smirking, and I'll help that. No, No, no, 0:01:56.480 --> 0:01:59.080 I'm just smirking because I have a mind of a 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:00.920 twelve year old and you can imagine where I just went. 0:02:01.400 --> 0:02:04.560 So well, everybody does, right, yes, And I'm sure that 0:02:04.640 --> 0:02:06.800 vanause you're you're sitting over there thinking the same things 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:09.679 as well, and it's easy to go down that path 0:02:09.680 --> 0:02:12.280 where it's like, oh, this is a show about hookups. Actually, no, 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:15.880 this is a show about perspective. You can't learn new 0:02:15.919 --> 0:02:18.880 skills without a practice ground. So could these couples do 0:02:19.000 --> 0:02:22.720 something stupid on national television television? Yes they could. That's 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:28.680 not the goal though. Seven years Well, it's a play 0:02:28.720 --> 0:02:31.520 on seven year Itch, the movie starring Marilyn and Row 0:02:31.600 --> 0:02:35.239 talking about the challenges that people experience once the honeymoons 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:38.280 has kind of faded away and now you're in what 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:41.800 many people would consider the humdrum of day to day. Uh, 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:43.960 it's it's a it's a challenge for most couples. It's 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:47.280 a challenge for everybody. Sure, So do find themselves up 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:51.359 to beget nominated by somebody? Or is actively throughout the 0:02:51.880 --> 0:02:56.240 couples both. There's an extensive casting process along with psychological 0:02:56.280 --> 0:02:59.600 evaluations and a real assessment of where they're at both 0:02:59.639 --> 0:03:02.040 individu Julie and as a couple before they're admitted to 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:08.639 the show. So what in after how many years of marriage? Well, 0:03:08.919 --> 0:03:14.920 so be more of I guess the problem? Well I can. 0:03:14.960 --> 0:03:17.280 I can give you the statistics because there's no goal, 0:03:17.400 --> 0:03:20.200 there's no hard and fast rule around when couples start 0:03:20.240 --> 0:03:23.639 experiencing disconnection. Some people experience it on their first date, 0:03:23.800 --> 0:03:28.519 yet they get married anyway. Um, statistically all marriages in 0:03:28.560 --> 0:03:32.280 the domestic US uh and before year five, So there's 0:03:32.280 --> 0:03:35.440 a divorce before year five divorce rate. I know this 0:03:35.560 --> 0:03:38.600 isn't good news for you. Your your recently. I'm very 0:03:38.600 --> 0:03:40.360 confident in my relationship. But you tell me that fifty 0:03:40.760 --> 0:03:43.480 couples in the United States don't last five years. Yes, 0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:47.000 and that's only half of the of the data. Of 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:49.200 those that make it five years, fifty percent of those 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:53.200 don't make it to year ten. That's a seventy divorce rate. Ah. 0:03:54.080 --> 0:03:56.840 Let me just like the numbers on that one. My 0:03:56.920 --> 0:03:59.800 parents are both My parents are divorce and they're both 0:03:59.840 --> 0:04:03.640 in now loving long term committed relationships. Um, what do 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:07.960 you think is Well, I'm having trouble As we mentioned 0:04:08.080 --> 0:04:10.360 last week, I'm really single again. Well it's not newly. 0:04:10.400 --> 0:04:11.960 It was like k of dating, but now I'm like 0:04:12.120 --> 0:04:14.680 completely single and I just find it hard to find 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:17.880 someone I can connect with on a deeper level, especially 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:20.040 now with this new like all the dating apps that 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:21.800 are out there, I'm not on any dating apps. It's 0:04:21.800 --> 0:04:24.320 really hard for me to meet someone organically because I 0:04:24.400 --> 0:04:26.120 find a lot of people are just hiding behind computer 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:28.000 screens in their phone. So what do you think is 0:04:28.080 --> 0:04:31.600 one of the biggest issues now, um or the problems 0:04:31.680 --> 0:04:34.600 that my divorce is so high? Well, you just kind 0:04:34.600 --> 0:04:37.440 of called it out. From my perspective, there's there's two things, 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:40.520 and it's a fantastic question, and there's there's two main 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:43.520 things that are really changing how people meet and inter 0:04:43.600 --> 0:04:48.360 relate from from jump. The first is technology. Uh. Technology 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:50.839 gives us the illusion of being connected when the truth 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:54.520 is that we're more distant than ever. Uh. Most relationships 0:04:54.600 --> 0:04:58.800 have a technological aspect to it, where there's communication takes 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:02.240 place over email or text message or voicemail or there's 0:05:02.240 --> 0:05:04.480 a lot on the phone. Uh. And that's a very 0:05:04.560 --> 0:05:07.040 subjective way of relating to each other. I mean, if 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:09.839 you back up thirty or forty years, the divorce rates 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:13.880 weren't necessarily so high, disconnection wasn't so bad, and couples 0:05:14.160 --> 0:05:17.920 like would speak in person like this, like we're in studio, right. 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:21.159 You have body language, you have facial uh, facial features 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:24.120 and emotions that you can go off of. All those 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:27.600 things are missing when you have a subjective piece of 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:30.320 technology that teaches you how to communicate. So that's the 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:33.039 first thing. The second, though, is what you're talking about 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:36.520 when we talk about online dating, uh, and that's false 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:41.120 positives and expectations being projected on somebody you actually don't know, 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:44.080 Like you read their profile and then that's not enough, 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:45.800 so you stalk their Instagram and you check them out 0:05:45.800 --> 0:05:49.040 on Snapchat, like you build up an entire persona of 0:05:49.120 --> 0:05:52.080 a person that you actually don't even know. Because you 0:05:52.160 --> 0:05:55.600 know you're you're you're evaluating two different things when you're 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:57.840 when you're dating somebody or when you meet somebody. The 0:05:57.920 --> 0:06:00.599 first is are we compatible? But the second is how 0:06:00.640 --> 0:06:02.800 do they plug into my life? And those are two 0:06:03.000 --> 0:06:06.760 things that are mutually exclusive and they're they're connected, but 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:09.240 they're but they're mutually exclusive. So, as a relationship expert, 0:06:09.279 --> 0:06:13.240 how do you advise our listeners to best meet people nowadays? Well, 0:06:13.440 --> 0:06:15.560 online dating can help you cast a wide net, but 0:06:15.920 --> 0:06:18.280 the best way to meet somebody, in my estimation, is 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:20.320 to get out into the real world, which is harder. 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:22.840 You say, you say something on your Instagram that I 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:25.400 read last night that I absolutely loved. Where you said, 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:29.160 stop saying it's easier easier said than done. Just do 0:06:29.360 --> 0:06:31.600 it then it will get easier over time, which I 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:36.479 completely agree with people like practice makes perfect. For example, 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:38.760 if you want to approach if you're a guy and 0:06:38.800 --> 0:06:40.960 you want to approach girls at a bar, you have 0:06:41.080 --> 0:06:43.520 to actually practice that by going up to girls at 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:44.720 a bar. And the first time you do it, you're 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:47.040 probably gonna suck at it, but over time it will 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:49.920 get easier because you keep doing it over and over 0:06:50.000 --> 0:06:51.320 and over again. And when I read that quote on 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:53.440 your Instagram, I don't know, just something resonated with me. Well, 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:56.760 and I appreciate that, and it's true. We are experiential learners, 0:06:56.839 --> 0:06:59.200 like there's no way to learn a new skill unless 0:06:59.200 --> 0:07:01.200 you practice a new Like, so, did you take a 0:07:01.240 --> 0:07:03.360 foreign language in school? Yes, and you were good right 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:06.200 out of the gate, right killed it. Obviously I can 0:07:06.279 --> 0:07:10.000 speak fluid Spanish and French and Greek and Italian and everything, 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:14.880 of course. But so that's really what she's Canadian. It's 0:07:14.920 --> 0:07:18.600 not fair that I I call nonsense than that. Um 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:23.720 but I called Shenanigans. That's not fair. But um no, 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:26.520 we're we're really talking about is to your point, practice 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:28.680 makes perfect. So you're not going to have a lot 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:31.280 of success, but that's at the beginning. But that's hard, 0:07:31.680 --> 0:07:33.920 you know, to be that vulnerable and be that open 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:36.960 is really really difficult. So you're newly engaged. How long 0:07:37.040 --> 0:07:38.240 have you guys been dating. I'm gonna put you on 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:41.200 the couch for a second. We've been dating for not 0:07:41.360 --> 0:07:45.520 long a few months maybe, yeah, a few months, but 0:07:45.600 --> 0:07:47.680 we've known each other for over three years. Okay, So 0:07:47.840 --> 0:07:50.280 and so you have a nice foundation to to start from. 0:07:50.360 --> 0:07:52.040 We have a great foundation, all right. So here's the 0:07:52.120 --> 0:07:55.400 other part. So the third part. We were talking about expectations, 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:58.080 we were talking about false positives and technology. But the 0:07:58.160 --> 0:08:01.280 third part is forgetting that people change over time. So 0:08:01.360 --> 0:08:04.320 the woman that you love today has a foundation, okay, 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:06.920 and so do you as a man. But you guys 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:10.240 are going to change as individuals over the next ten, 0:08:10.360 --> 0:08:15.120 thirty fifty years. And the way relationships work successfully is 0:08:15.160 --> 0:08:18.200 when you change together. When you start drifting, you don't 0:08:18.240 --> 0:08:21.720 check back in, and you're not connecting on a constant basis, 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:25.320 You by default are drifting apart. So you end up 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:26.640 on my show, and then you end up on our 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:29.200 show where we do the seven year switch. Um, so 0:08:29.360 --> 0:08:31.400 my question is what would you what would you tell 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:33.839 these couples who do change over time and their love 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:37.280 also changes over time, and they start like, I've never 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:40.040 found that because love changes, that means your relationship is 0:08:40.040 --> 0:08:43.839 getting worse, it's just becoming different. So how like, what 0:08:43.960 --> 0:08:45.800 would you tell those people on how to make your 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.480 relationship better even though things change over time? Don't rest 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:51.319 on your laurels like love is a contract, okay, and 0:08:51.400 --> 0:08:54.199 it has to be renewed every single day. And it 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:57.240 sounds trite, It sounds like some sorry that somebody would 0:08:57.240 --> 0:09:00.760 put on on on Instagram like me, like you write that, 0:09:01.360 --> 0:09:04.920 but that it's never been more true that you have 0:09:05.120 --> 0:09:09.360 to reconnect every single day about the big stuff and 0:09:09.600 --> 0:09:13.000 really about the little things they count the most. So 0:09:13.240 --> 0:09:15.760 if you're piste off that they didn't put the tube 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:18.640 the cap back on the tube of toothpaste, you're not 0:09:18.720 --> 0:09:20.960 supposed to hide that as a resentment that you don't 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:23.559 talk about. You're supposed to say, dude, you're killing me. 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:25.800 We just put it back. It takes two seconds. So 0:09:25.880 --> 0:09:28.040 you'd say communication is probably the most important part, but 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:33.720 honesty right, because communication too often means two things. It first, 0:09:33.840 --> 0:09:36.680 it means a postured view of what you what you're 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:38.360 giving them, like you don't I don't want to hurt 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:40.080 their feelings. It's not about hurting their feelings. Just put 0:09:40.120 --> 0:09:42.440 it out straight. Okay, So that's the first thing. Second though, 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:45.920 is that for too many people, communication means to speak 0:09:46.440 --> 0:09:50.079 and it doesn't it means to listen, also of course 0:09:50.400 --> 0:09:53.280 without judgment. So if she says I just don't have 0:09:53.360 --> 0:09:55.560 time in the morning, I don't care your jobs, then 0:09:55.600 --> 0:09:57.280 put yourself in her shoes, like, well, how can we 0:09:57.360 --> 0:09:59.600 work together to make this happen. Maybe there's a different 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:01.839 type of two space that doesn't require, you know, the 0:10:01.960 --> 0:10:04.480 the top to go back on. You can just flip 0:10:04.520 --> 0:10:07.360 it back instead. That's where we start problem solving instead 0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:10.199 of no, put it back on. Now we're advocating who's 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:12.880 right and who's wrong, when the truth is that everybody's 0:10:12.960 --> 0:10:14.520 right from their own point of view. So if you 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:16.520 get your ego out of the way, you all of 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:18.080 a sudden end up in a place where you're working 0:10:18.160 --> 0:10:20.720 together instead of a part. Sometimes I find it difficult though, 0:10:20.760 --> 0:10:24.480 while I'm being honest, sometimes I think my tone some 0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:27.040 like things that bother me, For example, little things like 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:29.240 that if I'm being honest them about them, I feel 0:10:29.280 --> 0:10:32.800 that my tone is is negative, which breathe like that 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:37.240 doesn't create an argument, but just creates an awkward vibe 0:10:37.280 --> 0:10:39.079 in the air for the simple fact that it's annoying 0:10:39.120 --> 0:10:40.640 and she knows it, and while we can fix it, 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:43.120 like how do I approach that? You would start by 0:10:43.160 --> 0:10:45.960 saying what you just said, so you'll if if you're 0:10:45.960 --> 0:10:50.760 experiencing yourself is like maybe coming across maybe crappy, ask 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:52.520 her like, are you hearing me as some kind of 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:54.920 jerk right now? And then she's supposed to say, yeah, 0:10:54.960 --> 0:10:56.319 I really don't like the way you're talking to me, 0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:58.160 and you're supposed to say, all right, hold on, let 0:10:58.200 --> 0:11:00.240 me find a different way to phrase this, because I'm 0:11:00.240 --> 0:11:02.040 not trying to sound like a like a jerk, like, 0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:04.079 let me let me put it a different way. So 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:07.959 then now you're still working together through a disconnection. See. Look, 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:10.599 too many people think that the perfect relationship has no 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:14.200 fights and no arguments, and that is it is non sense. 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:16.920 I've seen my parents been married for thirty five years, 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:18.920 and I've seen so many arguments between them. But they 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:21.800 are the most loving and dependent people on each other 0:11:22.160 --> 0:11:24.320 because they've gone through those arguments, because they've gone through 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:27.440 tough times and and still have overcome those obstacles together 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:30.120 and that's real love in my mind. Well, sure you're 0:11:30.120 --> 0:11:33.400 talking about like disconnections are normal. What keeps your folks 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:38.520 together is how they repair because everybody's yeah, totally, Like 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:41.920 arguments are normal, you know. I mean, if you think 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:44.079 you've got an expert here sitting at the microphone that 0:11:44.120 --> 0:11:46.280 doesn't screw up his own relationships, boy, you got the 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:49.280 wrong guy here. But it's it's how you put it together. Um, 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:52.000 I'm still all right now. So obviously I trying to 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:54.920 reevaluate the whole dating seed and all that, and I'm 0:11:54.960 --> 0:11:57.319 thinking time to refocus on things that I know that 0:11:57.480 --> 0:12:00.160 I did in my relationships and my past relationship us 0:12:00.240 --> 0:12:04.199 that maybe we're not the healthiest and probably you know, 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:08.880 it didn't contribute in the most positive ways. Um, what 0:12:09.000 --> 0:12:10.720 what what kind of advice would you give? Because right 0:12:10.760 --> 0:12:13.320 now Jared is engaged and he's engaged to be married. 0:12:13.400 --> 0:12:14.880 What kind of advice is to give to someone who 0:12:14.920 --> 0:12:17.520 is single? Last week he had Patty stains from um 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:21.320 not to make her millionaire, and she was saying, how 0:12:22.160 --> 0:12:26.840 the guys want women who aren't hungry, who aren't thirsty, 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:29.480 who don't want who don't give off that like I 0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:30.959 want to get married and I want to have kids, 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.360 and you know who are more like easygoing type. I 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:36.280 am not that I'm not that I don't know where 0:12:36.280 --> 0:12:39.040 I kind of fit right now, but I feel like 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:43.160 I don't get approached um in the way that I 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:45.520 kind of want to be approached or with the kind 0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:47.679 of guys that I want to approach me. So I 0:12:47.800 --> 0:12:49.599 have to be the hunter. I have to be the 0:12:49.640 --> 0:12:51.120 go getter, and I have to be the one that 0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:55.880 has to kind of do the chasting um. And so 0:12:56.120 --> 0:12:58.559 when Dared was talking about practice makes Perfect and going 0:12:58.600 --> 0:13:03.199 into bars and going up to women that no, I 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:05.240 don't think you're doing it wrong. I do think it 0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:07.640 just as a comment, a brief comment. I think that 0:13:08.040 --> 0:13:09.880 there's too many men today who don't know what to 0:13:09.960 --> 0:13:13.439 do with equality in the world, where they they have 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:16.400 the notion of feminism mixed up with what it means 0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:20.000 to be involved in a relationship and what primal courtship 0:13:20.120 --> 0:13:24.400 rituals are all about, which strips away whatever equality is. 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:28.719 I'm because I'm a staunch advocate of feminism, but just 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:32.800 for the record, but courtship is still courtship. So you know, 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:34.920 the guys who are sitting listening this saying no, no, no, 0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:37.079 no no. I'm the alpha male. They come to me, 0:13:37.480 --> 0:13:41.200 no idiot, the alpha male goes after no. The definition 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:44.040 of what you say you are please, So say that 0:13:44.080 --> 0:13:46.120 against the after mail. You're saying that people men are 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:49.400 self prom back. They are sitting back. But I also 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:51.599 don't think that it's anything wrong for nowadays for a 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:54.400 woman to approach a man because we are in changing 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:56.960 times and some managers shy and some men agree don't 0:13:57.000 --> 0:13:58.679 know how to approach a woman because they just never 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:00.760 really been taught that because we of in a different age. 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:03.040 I totally agree. And that's the second half of this 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:05.559 when when you know, Vanessa, when you're asking, you know, 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:07.600 how do I do this? Am I doing the right things? 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:10.760 Should I be approaching these guys at bars? Definitely? But 0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:13.160 then I would ask you what is your definition of love? 0:14:13.320 --> 0:14:16.960 Because too many people they're looking for a relationship, they're 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:19.920 looking for love, and I would say, no, what you 0:14:20.040 --> 0:14:22.400 want to look for is happiness. You want to look 0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:24.760 for how do you feel about you when you're with 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:28.800 this person. From there, a relationship becomes normal, like don't 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:32.280 don't pre qualify yourself because the moment you say I 0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:34.640 really want to be in a relationship. What you're actually 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:37.080 saying is I'm going to ignore all the red flags 0:14:37.120 --> 0:14:38.560 and all the things that I don't like, and I'm 0:14:38.560 --> 0:14:41.480 going to pretend that this is great because just I 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:44.120 just need a warm body next to me. And that's 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:45.960 not the way it runs, That's not the way it's 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:49.080 supposed to go, I think, um. And I was just 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:50.640 just talking about this with a fun of mine. In 0:14:50.680 --> 0:14:52.360 the last five years, I feel like I've lived like 0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:54.360 nine different lives and I thought at the age of 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:57.880 I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner. Although 0:14:57.960 --> 0:15:01.240 seeing you know, the fundamental pap not change, but in 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:04.440 the way that I perceive a relationship and perceive my 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:07.760 own happiness, Um, but that has changed. And I think 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:13.200 oftentimes we tend to equate our happiness or how sad 0:15:13.400 --> 0:15:17.240 or or you know, proud we are to the person 0:15:17.320 --> 0:15:19.800 that we're with and if you wake up happy because 0:15:19.880 --> 0:15:22.440 you make yourself happy. And I think that's where I'm 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:25.800 starting to work on and just being comfortable with myself 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:30.640 right well, happiness is into that. Happiness is definitely an 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:33.560 inside job, but it's also your definition of where you 0:15:33.680 --> 0:15:36.680 want because too many people end up with a specific 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:40.040 plan of what they want from this person, and they 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:44.240 have this package involved. But sometimes Mr Wright doesn't come 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:46.000 in a two piece suit with a smooth line and 0:15:46.080 --> 0:15:49.240 drink his hand. Sometimes he trips over his own words. 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:50.880 He spills his drink on your dress and says, well, 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:54.280 so sorry, like you know, my name is stupid and 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:56.920 I'm going to just disappear over here per minute. Um, 0:15:57.400 --> 0:15:59.480 They're just real. So if you if you get out 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:02.760 of your own way and and start realizing that that 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:05.120 you're supposed to look for how you feel about you 0:16:05.360 --> 0:16:08.200 with them instead of how they make you feel there, 0:16:08.400 --> 0:16:10.920 that's two different things. I agree. I think all my 0:16:11.040 --> 0:16:13.440 life i've been I've pictured the idea of who I 0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:15.920 should be with and what they should be like. And Ashley, 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:18.440 my fiance, is the complete opposite of that. But I 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:22.080 love everything about her. It's so interesting because, like I said, 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:25.240 I've just always pictured myself with like a little you know, 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:27.800 white picket fence and like this small house in Rhode 0:16:27.840 --> 0:16:30.720 Island with this very cute, shy girl that's like you know, 0:16:31.960 --> 0:16:36.600 you know, sunflowers and rainbows, And I never envisioned myself 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:39.240 with somebody like Ashley, and yet I've never been happier 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:41.480 and she's the person that I am supposed to be with, 0:16:42.200 --> 0:16:45.400 and so I totally agree with that, like, don't have 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:47.720 your blinders on, you know, be open to a lot 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:50.480 of different types of people. And I think also to 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:53.520 tap back into happiness, you have to be responsible for 0:16:53.600 --> 0:16:55.760 your own happiness. I think people are forgetting that nowadays 0:16:55.800 --> 0:16:58.840 because everybody gets a participation trophy. So they're like no, no, no, no, no, no, 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:01.280 Like I need assurance, I need support. I can't do 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:02.920 this on my own. It's like, well, sometimes you're gonna 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:06.520 have to. And while yes, love is a relationship, like, uh, 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:09.240 you know, marriage and relationships are are two people coming 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:12.600 together to become one. Having said that, you can't just 0:17:12.760 --> 0:17:17.119 solely rely on that other person to bring you happiness. No, no, 0:17:17.280 --> 0:17:20.720 you're you're right. So yeah, the people forget that when 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:23.480 you when you join a relationship. So you know this 0:17:23.680 --> 0:17:27.240 is obviously broadcast, this is in television, so but I'll 0:17:27.280 --> 0:17:28.840 give it to you here in the studio. You picture 0:17:28.880 --> 0:17:32.240 two people with a hundred percent of their stuff together, okay, 0:17:32.520 --> 0:17:35.880 and each person puts into the middle, and that makes 0:17:35.920 --> 0:17:39.520 a hundred percent relationship, right, but it also keeps fifty 0:17:40.119 --> 0:17:45.040 of themselves back, so you maintain your individuality. You put 0:17:45.080 --> 0:17:49.600 in a hundred percent of your fifty. Okay, each person 0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:54.000 puts in to make a relationship work at one, but 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:58.240 they also keep a lot back for themselves, like what like, 0:17:58.400 --> 0:18:00.359 whatever you want to do? What interest to you that 0:18:00.560 --> 0:18:03.480 that Ashley doesn't even care about? Of course? I think, 0:18:03.920 --> 0:18:06.800 I think Will Smith said a response. Will Smith said 0:18:06.840 --> 0:18:10.120 it once on for Valentine's Day, was saying how relationships 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:13.600 should be two individual people on their own individual path 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:17.119 and now and then their past will cross, but then 0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:19.760 they will uncrossed and you you will still continue on 0:18:19.840 --> 0:18:21.680 your own path. And I guess that's kind of like 0:18:21.760 --> 0:18:24.680 the same analogy. Maybe, Um you're talking about where you're 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:29.760 putting in of that into the relationship, but you still 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:34.040 keep stunt to yourself. Yes, and you're supposed to do yeah. Well, 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:36.000 and it's and it's not about being secretive. It's not 0:18:36.040 --> 0:18:39.200 about holding back from your relationship. What I'm saying is 0:18:39.600 --> 0:18:42.320 what do you want? Don't tell me about your wife, 0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:46.040 your girlfriend, your kids, your boss, your car, like any 0:18:46.080 --> 0:18:49.800 of that stuff. What do you want from life? I 0:18:49.840 --> 0:18:51.840 think some people don't like that because it takes like 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.520 the romantic side out of it out where it's like no, no, no, 0:18:54.800 --> 0:18:56.600 you have to be more logical about going into your 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:59.000 relationship because you have to go of you into the 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:01.360 relationship and then it put I'm not saying it's wrong. 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:03.480 What I'm saying is that I think it's probably some 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:07.200 people are like, wow, that just it sounds too Disney 0:19:07.840 --> 0:19:10.280 non Disney exactly. But that's what we were taught. I 0:19:10.320 --> 0:19:12.440 guess that's what we've been taught to do at at 0:19:12.440 --> 0:19:13.639 a young age. And I think that's why a lot 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:15.639 of relationships don't work out, our marriages don't work out, 0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:18.200 because you kind of lose your own identity and you 0:19:18.280 --> 0:19:20.480 want to And I think that was an issue that 0:19:20.520 --> 0:19:24.679 I had to um. I wanted to always still whatever 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:27.760 my partner sold needed, and I was forgetting what my 0:19:27.840 --> 0:19:30.920 knees and my my desires were, and then when the 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:34.359 relationship would end, also going back to being myself again. 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:36.920 So I think you know it's important to always have 0:19:37.840 --> 0:19:41.160 always say I didn't I didn't use that fifty analogy. 0:19:41.200 --> 0:19:47.520 I would always think too and follout sales. Then at 0:19:47.560 --> 0:19:50.200 least they're starting back up from and you're not starting 0:19:50.240 --> 0:19:52.200 back from Sara Charles, let me ask you a question. 0:19:52.480 --> 0:19:54.240 Do you think it's important nowadays to be in a 0:19:54.280 --> 0:19:58.320 committed relationship or a marriage. I think that's an individual decision. 0:19:58.440 --> 0:20:01.560 I think that uh, commit it meant doesn't necessarily need 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:04.960 a marriage behind it. Marriage is a public, religious, and 0:20:05.240 --> 0:20:08.360