Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: When there's a breakdown in a relationship, it's hard on
Speaker 1: the people involved, But here's the truth, it is even
Speaker 1: harder on the people watching. It's harder because they don't
Speaker 1: know if they have to pick aside. They can see
Speaker 1: who's responsible for what, but they can't always say it.
Speaker 1: It's hard on the people watching the breakdown and they
Speaker 1: become collateral damage. But they have to have clear boundaries
Speaker 1: and they have to know where they can and cannot tread.
Speaker 1: They have to know that the relationship can be healed.
Speaker 1: But the only way it can be healed is if
Speaker 1: the people involved in the breakdown are willing. And when
Speaker 1: they're not willing, the people who are watching the breakdown
Speaker 1: just have to stop watching, turn your head in another direct,
Speaker 1: don't look if it's hard to look at, look somewhere else.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that you don't act like it's
Speaker 1: not going on, but you just don't stick your opinion
Speaker 1: in it at all. You've got to know that no
Speaker 1: matter how bad it looks, a relationship can be healed
Speaker 1: and you may not be the vehicle through which it
Speaker 1: is here. Welcome to the r spot, beloved. Thank you
Speaker 1: for your patience. Now what is your challenge, issue, dilemma,
Speaker 1: problem that we can nibble on together today?
Speaker 2: Hi, Yes, ma'am. I'm a father of four. My oldest daughter,
Speaker 2: it's currently a strange from her a relationship with their mom.
Speaker 2: She's twenty four years old and early on me and
Speaker 2: her mom went through a separation, divorce and she was
Speaker 2: out of my life for approximately five years. Based on
Speaker 2: things that happened immediately following a divorce, it took me
Speaker 2: an additional five years just for us to get into
Speaker 2: a really good, comfortable space, and unfortunately the downside is
Speaker 2: that she no longer has a relationship with their mother.
Speaker 2: The major dilemma that I would like to address is
Speaker 2: that I would love for her to be able to
Speaker 2: have both parents in her life at the same time.
Speaker 3: He's always stated to me, tried to.
Speaker 2: Not get involved in try to mind senses and I
Speaker 2: try to follow that to the tea because that's what
Speaker 2: she said she wants. But part of me, especially how
Speaker 2: I was raised with both parents, it still is an
Speaker 2: unsettled feeling for myself.
Speaker 1: Yeah. First of all, I want you to take a breath.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're nervous, or you're moving or
Speaker 1: what's going on, but take a breath. Nervous Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. Think of me as
Speaker 1: your older sister.
Speaker 3: Okay, we'll do for sure.
Speaker 1: I have no heat, no judgment. I just want to
Speaker 1: support you in being the best that you can be.
Speaker 1: What a blessing that your baby girl has her dad
Speaker 1: and her life.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: So many women who would give their two front teeth
Speaker 1: to have their dad and their life. So she's blessed,
Speaker 1: and I think she's It sounds like she's very important
Speaker 1: to you, So I want to you and being there
Speaker 1: for her and being the best that you can be.
Speaker 1: So it sounds like your greatest challenge here is that
Speaker 1: your twenty four year old daughter, with whom you now
Speaker 1: have a relationship after being absent, is a strange from
Speaker 1: her mom. Yes, ma'am, you're wanting to know how you
Speaker 1: can support her and being in relationship with her mom?
Speaker 1: Is that it?
Speaker 3: That's correct?
Speaker 1: How does her being estranged from her mother show up
Speaker 1: in her life? How is it affecting her? How is
Speaker 1: it impacting her?
Speaker 2: Just recently she got married. My daughter did just as
Speaker 2: past December, and what I noticed during that time frame,
Speaker 2: we try to call each other at least one or
Speaker 2: two times per week.
Speaker 3: She would speak.
Speaker 2: About her mother and had not done so in a while.
Speaker 2: And currently every time I'm on the phone with her,
Speaker 2: she brings up her mother one way or the other.
Speaker 2: My greatest fear is I don't want her to feel
Speaker 2: betrayed by me, but that's usually.
Speaker 4: How it shows up currently.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Are you in relationship with the mother?
Speaker 3: No, we do not have a relationship.
Speaker 2: It was a very difficult divorce that took place and
Speaker 2: we don't talk at all. The last time I saw
Speaker 2: is our youngest son's graduation, and that's actually the last
Speaker 2: time I actually talked to her, so that was about
Speaker 2: three years ago.
Speaker 1: Are you in relationship with all of the children.
Speaker 2: Yes, currently, my youngest daughter, she was the last one
Speaker 2: that came on board. We started talking just this past December,
Speaker 2: and there was a three year break of us not
Speaker 2: talking that just we started in December.
Speaker 1: Okay, let me see if I can put it to
Speaker 1: you this way. You're not looking at your daughter not
Speaker 1: being estranged from her mother. You're looking at two women
Speaker 1: and breakdown. You gotta hold it like that in your mind.
Speaker 1: This is two women. Definitely, don't put your foot in
Speaker 1: that at all, because as a man, you can't even
Speaker 1: begin to understand the intricate details of a breakdown between
Speaker 1: two women. You cannot because most of the time we
Speaker 1: can't understand it. What you can do is be there
Speaker 1: for your daughter. Listen to your daughter, offer her words
Speaker 1: of wisdom. If she just got married, did the mother
Speaker 1: go to the wedding? No? Oh yeah, though your daughter's
Speaker 1: really hurting. She's in a lot of pain. Does she
Speaker 1: have children?
Speaker 3: No, no children. She said that may be part of
Speaker 3: the future.
Speaker 2: Which is it change from what she originally said that
Speaker 2: that was never going to happen.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, but she she's going to have to have
Speaker 1: her first baby without her mother and that's going to
Speaker 1: be a problem for her. And the thing that you
Speaker 1: can wait in the door is I understand that you're
Speaker 1: upset and separated from your mom, But what are some
Speaker 1: of the things that she did that you don't want
Speaker 1: to do, because that's going to be a question. You know,
Speaker 1: she's probably trying so hard not to be like her mother.
Speaker 1: Do you know why they separated? What was the breakdown about.
Speaker 2: It's something that kind of brewed over time period. I
Speaker 2: can say that the very last straw is that my
Speaker 2: daughter is biracial. Her mother is Caucasian. I'm black, and
Speaker 2: certain traditions stayed around the house after I left, and
Speaker 2: they were talking politics. She was in her in her
Speaker 2: third year in school, and there was a discussion about
Speaker 2: at the table, they were just talking about war and
Speaker 2: veteran stuff. And my daughter has a very straight hard
Speaker 2: line and that's Sam when it comes to it. She
Speaker 2: supports her dad, she loves her dad, the veteran, but
Speaker 2: she has a hard line about war in the military itself.
Speaker 2: And her mother looked at her and says, you're an
Speaker 2: angry black woman.
Speaker 1: Ooh, hold up, this white lady told her daughter, you're
Speaker 1: an angry black woman.
Speaker 3: Yeah, she did.
Speaker 2: At I think how it was termed as more of
Speaker 2: a question, which she's like, I don't know what happened
Speaker 2: to my daughter, but why are you such an angry
Speaker 2: black woman, and there was a mixed company at the table.
Speaker 2: My ex wife's boyfriend was there at the table when
Speaker 2: she said that, and her siblings at the table, and
Speaker 2: I know that was played a larger.
Speaker 3: Role into the separation. I think that to mark with
Speaker 3: things change, Wow.
Speaker 1: That gives this a whole new flavor. But I'm not
Speaker 1: going to move off my original point. Daddy, you can't
Speaker 1: put your foot in this at all, not at all.
Speaker 1: And now you really can't put your foot in it.
Speaker 1: You got a white woman and a black woman and upset.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, are the other children in relationship with
Speaker 1: their mom?
Speaker 2: My youngest son just recently broke away from his mom,
Speaker 2: and that was a pretty surprising. I think that took
Speaker 2: place when it happened. But my son, again, he's one
Speaker 2: of the out of the four, he's one of the
Speaker 2: two that don't have a current relationship with their mom.
Speaker 1: Wow, it sounds to me, and I don't know this
Speaker 1: to be true, because I'm sure she has her perspective,
Speaker 1: but it sounds to me like mom might need to
Speaker 1: do some work and that she might be the focus
Speaker 1: of attention. And again, all you can do is support her.
Speaker 1: I don't know how that feels to have your mother
Speaker 1: ask you such a question. I know, in this day
Speaker 1: and age, being biracial is a lot easier than it
Speaker 1: was in my time, but still still to have that
Speaker 1: come out of your mother's mouth is I don't even
Speaker 1: know what that is. I don't know what the word
Speaker 1: for it is. But if you have children, are you
Speaker 1: going to let your mom see them? Do you know
Speaker 1: how important a grandmother is in a grandchild's life. Mothers
Speaker 1: love their children, grandmothers adore them. You just have to
Speaker 1: think about it. These are things that you can just
Speaker 1: broach with her. When you talk to her about her mom.
Speaker 1: What does she say?
Speaker 2: There are certain discussions that pop up, like I have.
Speaker 2: I found a bunch of pictures from there from her childhood,
Speaker 2: and I started sending messages. Of course, she wouldn't remember them,
Speaker 2: and she'd find herself next to someone in the picture
Speaker 2: and she would say, hey, dad, who's this? Is this
Speaker 2: my real mother? In her mind it I don't know
Speaker 2: why my own mother doesn't like me. For about two years,
Speaker 2: she wouldn't even bring up her mother in a discussion.
Speaker 2: But since the wedding, it's these things become more questioned
Speaker 2: and I think she's just trying to figure out what
Speaker 2: happened regarding her relationship with her mom.
Speaker 1: And she says to you stay out of it, right.
Speaker 2: Yes, she's like that, I love you, but this. You
Speaker 2: can't help this. I don't want you to. If me
Speaker 2: and my mother are gonna resolve things, that has to
Speaker 2: be done by her choice, and she has to make
Speaker 2: that first step.
Speaker 1: The mother has to make the first step.
Speaker 3: Correct.
Speaker 1: Yeah, again, all you can do is off for words
Speaker 1: of wisdom. When the time comes and you have your
Speaker 1: first child, you know you're going to want your mom there.
Speaker 1: So I hope you can resolve whatever this difficulty is
Speaker 1: before then or when you have problems in your marriage.
Speaker 1: If you have questions or challenges, you want your mom
Speaker 1: to be a soft place for you to fall, right.
Speaker 1: I hope that you will think about those things. But
Speaker 1: I agree with her. Don't put your foot in that,
Speaker 1: particularly if you and her mother didn't part on good company,
Speaker 1: on good term. Just be there for her daddy, so
Speaker 1: you when she has her first baby, you have to go, Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll do with your iPhone, with your iPhone and take
Speaker 1: the pictures.
Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely, most definitely.
Speaker 1: This is a little subversive but you can do this
Speaker 1: when you know things happen and send you send them
Speaker 1: to the mom. Can you do that? Just wanted to
Speaker 1: share this with you.
Speaker 3: I can't.
Speaker 1: Did you share wedding pictures with her?
Speaker 3: I did not.
Speaker 2: That was one of those things you specifically said don't do.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, yeah, honor that and just know if nothing else,
Speaker 1: this is not about your daughter being in breakdown with
Speaker 1: her mother. Take it off of that, because that's going
Speaker 1: to pull a heart string for you. This is about
Speaker 1: two women in breakdown, and really there really is nothing
Speaker 1: that you can do, particularly because your daughter has said
Speaker 1: stay out of it. Honor that.
Speaker 2: We'll do.
Speaker 1: Honor that. Well, I'm glad she's got you, daddy. I'm
Speaker 1: glad she's got you.
Speaker 2: One of the greatest joys of my life. So I
Speaker 2: am thankful.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if you're a praying man, but
Speaker 1: I would pray about it.
Speaker 3: I will.
Speaker 2: I will definitely ask.
Speaker 1: The angels, the guardians, the ancestors to God to bring
Speaker 1: this to healing for the highest good of everybody involved. Okay,
Speaker 1: well for sure, all right, thank you. I don't have
Speaker 1: many broken relationships in my life, but one that is
Speaker 1: broken for me is my relationship with my youngest daughter,
Speaker 1: and as a mom, it is heartbreaking, gut wrenching to
Speaker 1: know that my baby girl is out there in the
Speaker 1: world and doesn't want me to be a part of
Speaker 1: her life. But as a woman, I have to respect
Speaker 1: her choice. I'm her mother, and the power don't run up,
Speaker 1: it runs down. So if she has made the choice
Speaker 1: that she'd rather be out in the world without her mom,
Speaker 1: if I'm not a soft place for her to fall,
Speaker 1: if she can't trust my voice and my intentions, then
Speaker 1: maybe it's just best that we not be in relationship.
Speaker 1: And just like my last guest, I'm sure it's really
Speaker 1: hard on the people watching, But all I can do
Speaker 1: is hold a space for her, because sometimes the healing
Speaker 1: is in letting it go. And even though the people
Speaker 1: watching and the people all around you they try to
Speaker 1: give you suggestions and recommendations, just tell them shh, I'm
Speaker 1: willing to be totally and completely responsible, but I'm letting
Speaker 1: go now. My next caller is dealing with the same issue.
Speaker 1: But as long as you hold on, dealing can happen.
Speaker 1: We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R Spot. We are continuing our conversation about
Speaker 1: letting go until the healing happens. Thank you for calling
Speaker 1: our spot. Now, what is your relationship challenge issued dilemma
Speaker 1: that I can support you in Today?
Speaker 4: I've been watching my closest family members, the closest to me,
Speaker 4: fall apart, so to speak. Within the past three years,
Speaker 4: we lost one family member to suicide, one had a
Speaker 4: heart condition that took him pretty quickly, and some others
Speaker 4: that have exhibited mental illness. And I have what I
Speaker 4: call Superman complex where I want to fix things and
Speaker 4: I want to fix things I don't have control over,
Speaker 4: especially as it relates to my loved ones. And I've
Speaker 4: noticed that the connection that we've had as a family
Speaker 4: is fading because of these things, and it's had a
Speaker 4: profound effect on me, especially as a new mother. I
Speaker 4: just had a baby recently, So I'm looking to know
Speaker 4: how I can bess navigate this because I'm watching the
Speaker 4: ones that I love most thinking to depression, addiction, hopelessness,
Speaker 4: and I feel helpless myself. I do listen to your show,
Speaker 4: and I know you talk a lot about faith, but
Speaker 4: prayer it doesn't feel like it's always enough. And these
Speaker 4: are people I interact with every day.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, do you have a pencil and a
Speaker 1: piece of paper?
Speaker 4: I could get one.
Speaker 1: Okay, then I don't. I don't want you to have
Speaker 1: to do that because you've been holding so long. So
Speaker 1: I want you to hear this. I'm going to write
Speaker 1: it down for you. Okay, frightened control freak? Did you
Speaker 1: hear what I.
Speaker 4: Said, frightened control freak? Yes?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I didn't think I was going there, did you.
Speaker 4: No control freak is not good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, it's not. It's not good at all. And
Speaker 1: I think the most disturbing thing I heard you say
Speaker 1: was the prayer doesn't seem like it's enough. So that
Speaker 1: says to me, not only is there a little manic
Speaker 1: control freak running around someplace in the left quadrant of
Speaker 1: your brain, you also have a predetermined scenario of what
Speaker 1: you think this should look like. And if you're praying
Speaker 1: and it still looks the same, how do you know
Speaker 1: what that person's spiritual contract is and what they have
Speaker 1: to go through and what they have to experience in
Speaker 1: order to get to where they need to be. It
Speaker 1: may look like addiction, it may look like depression, it
Speaker 1: may look like hopelessness, But how do you know in
Speaker 1: the midst of your prayer. That's it not exactly what
Speaker 1: it needs to look like right now to get to
Speaker 1: where they need to be. How do you know that?
Speaker 4: I don't know that, But it's sometimes hard to think
Speaker 4: about the journey when I'm so scared and i feel
Speaker 4: like I'm watching something dangerous happen.
Speaker 1: That's the other part, the frightened part. But you see,
Speaker 1: there are only two emotions that matter. The first one
Speaker 1: is love and the second one is fear. And when
Speaker 1: you are in fear, you cannot be in love because
Speaker 1: no two things can occupy the same space at the
Speaker 1: same time. So you're in fear because it doesn't look
Speaker 1: like you think it should look, and you don't feel
Speaker 1: or know what to do about it. That's creating for you, knew.
Speaker 4: Mama, he definitely is.
Speaker 1: So I want to share with you two things and
Speaker 1: maybe one of them will fit. Okay. I had a
Speaker 1: very dear friend. Actually she was one of my students,
Speaker 1: and I love her dearly, and she was in the
Speaker 1: throes of a crippling depression, crippling almost to the point
Speaker 1: where she wouldn't comb her hair every day, but she
Speaker 1: kept getting up and she kept coming to class. Sometimes
Speaker 1: she would come to class and just weep. She would
Speaker 1: try to get the work done and couldn't get the
Speaker 1: work done. And I'm looking at this and I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my God, what do I do?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: So I did what I know how to do best,
Speaker 1: which is pray, help her, God, show me what to do.
Speaker 1: That was really my prayer. I didn't even say help
Speaker 1: her God, tell the Jew, I'm telling the jewth okay.
Speaker 1: I would say, show me what to do. What do
Speaker 1: I need to do? How can I help her? And
Speaker 1: to me, it looked like it was getting worse, to
Speaker 1: the point where if I didn't hear from her, like
Speaker 1: in three or four days, I'd send people a call
Speaker 1: and check on her and make sure she hadn't harmed herself.
Speaker 1: That's how bad it was. Yeah, until one day I
Speaker 1: was praying, and what came to me is you're praying
Speaker 1: the wrong prayer. You're asking your creator, your source, what
Speaker 1: you need to do to fix this, as opposed to
Speaker 1: turning it over and letting create a source God fix it.
Speaker 1: I said, oh my goodness, So I changed my prayer
Speaker 1: to I'm placing her in your hands. I know you
Speaker 1: love her. I don't like what this looks like I
Speaker 1: don't like what it feels like. And I prayed that prayer,
Speaker 1: and after I don't know, maybe a month or two,
Speaker 1: you know what I heard. I heard this I'll meet
Speaker 1: her on the other side. I was like, whoa, I'll
Speaker 1: meet her on the other side. So that let me
Speaker 1: know two things. Number one, my prayer had been heard,
Speaker 1: and number two, she was going to get through this.
Speaker 1: And if it was too hard for me to look at,
Speaker 1: I stopped looking. I kept praying, but I stopped looking.
Speaker 1: I stopped looking, I stopped calling, I stopped worrying. I
Speaker 1: stopped making up all kinds of horrifying scenarios in my
Speaker 1: mind about her harming herself or ended up homeless on
Speaker 1: the street eating cat food, all of the stuff that
Speaker 1: I was tormenting myself with. I stopped it.
Speaker 4: I've been there.
Speaker 1: Because I had that word, yeah, yeah, I'll meet her
Speaker 1: on the other side. That also told me that something
Speaker 1: greater than me was in it with her. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense to you?
Speaker 4: It does? It does? It takes found amount of letting
Speaker 4: go to get there.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. And the other thing that I had to really embrace,
Speaker 1: particularly you said you're a new mama. I'm an old mama,
Speaker 1: when my youngins, when my pups, when my babies were
Speaker 1: going through a difficult time, and I was twisting myself
Speaker 1: in a pretzel trying to keep them from hitting rock
Speaker 1: bottom because to me, rock bottom they were looking at
Speaker 1: rock bottom okay, And as mama, I want to fix it,
Speaker 1: change it, throw money at it, throw people at it,
Speaker 1: everything to fix it and change it. Until I was
Speaker 1: reading something one day and I came across this line
Speaker 1: and it said, it's very hard to watch your loved
Speaker 1: ones hit rock bottom until you remember that God made
Speaker 1: the wow. And what I took from that was maybe
Speaker 1: they've got to get down there to find their strength there, faith,
Speaker 1: their trust, their relationship with God. That's when they are
Speaker 1: going to have to pray for themselves. See, we don't
Speaker 1: know what anybody's spiritual contract is. We don't know what
Speaker 1: they came here to learn or do or accomplish. And
Speaker 1: as long as we're afraid, it's saying two things that
Speaker 1: we don't believe. First of all, that God can save them,
Speaker 1: and second of all that they have the wherewithal to
Speaker 1: save themselves.
Speaker 4: Since we've had a suicide, I think that kind of
Speaker 4: took away my ability in a way to see that
Speaker 4: someone could save themselves. But I sometimes it's imagine the
Speaker 4: worst case scenario. If someone goes through enough sufferings, they'll
Speaker 4: take themselves away.
Speaker 1: People don't commit suicide because they want to die. People
Speaker 1: commit suicide because they don't know how to live. They
Speaker 1: don't know how to end the pain. They don't really
Speaker 1: want to die, they just haven't prayed the prayer or
Speaker 1: found the way, or found the fortitude whatever it is
Speaker 1: required to move through the pain. So to end the pain,
Speaker 1: they end their lives. But there's always a way to
Speaker 1: end the pain. And one person committing suicide, as challenging
Speaker 1: and difficult as it is, that may have been their
Speaker 1: contract that has nothing to do with anybody else. But
Speaker 1: you got to give up this control piece. I don't
Speaker 1: know which is worse, to control or to fear.
Speaker 4: For the horrible combination too, it's.
Speaker 1: Like drinking poison expecting somebody else to die. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: I know we'll talk about that right after this break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to
Speaker 1: the conversation. This is gonna sound horrible, but it's the
Speaker 1: only way I know you're going to get out of
Speaker 1: this is to see the worst and work yourself through it.
Speaker 1: See the worst and work yourself through it. What that
Speaker 1: means is, let's say I heard you say something about
Speaker 1: drug abuse. So let's say that person is strung out
Speaker 1: or out on the streets and you know, gets beat
Speaker 1: up or gets arrested or God forbid overdoses. How would
Speaker 1: you feel? How would you feel? Work yourself through that
Speaker 1: so that you can clear that out, because you're not
Speaker 1: going to be able to see anything higher as long
Speaker 1: as you're fighting against acknowledging the lower. And if you
Speaker 1: love these people, love them enough to see them higher,
Speaker 1: even though your eyes are looking at rock bottom. Remember
Speaker 1: who made the rock, love them enough to see them higher.
Speaker 1: I know you can do this. I know You've got
Speaker 1: the strengthen there, and I'm calling it forward in you
Speaker 1: right now. You're better than this, You're more than this,
Speaker 1: and you may have to pray that prayer for a
Speaker 1: long time, but God will meet him on the other side.
Speaker 4: I never thought about it that way.
Speaker 1: That's because you've let your control freak run them up.
Speaker 4: I just want it to be right.
Speaker 1: It is right, because that's what it is. That's what
Speaker 1: it is right now, and it is right can it
Speaker 1: get better? Yes? Right, these people people weren't always like this.
Speaker 1: Is that accurate?
Speaker 4: That's true? Yes?
Speaker 1: Yeah? So where is that that kept it at bay
Speaker 1: for so long? Yeah?
Speaker 4: I just love them so much. I just I know
Speaker 4: I never imagined that my own family, my closest family members,
Speaker 4: with so many of them, would be in this state.
Speaker 1: Well, love them enough to know that this is what
Speaker 1: they have to go through at this time. Stop thinking
Speaker 1: that you know where they should be, because you don't.
Speaker 1: This is where they are and it's hard. I'm hearing
Speaker 1: it's hard, And don't try to talk them out of it,
Speaker 1: shame them in it. You know, it's a simple statement.
Speaker 1: I see so much better for you, and I'm praying
Speaker 1: that you get there.
Speaker 4: Simple If you don't mind me asking how many times
Speaker 4: a day do you pray?
Speaker 1: I pray all day. I'm praying right now, prayer for you.
Speaker 1: I don't have to stop and kneel down and go
Speaker 1: in the corner. And I don't have to do that
Speaker 1: because I know that every thought I think is a prayer,
Speaker 1: every word I speak is a prayer. That's why I
Speaker 1: say to you, go to the worst, work yourself through it,
Speaker 1: and get higher because you thinking or hold trying not
Speaker 1: to think about the worst possible outcome. That's a prayer.
Speaker 1: That's a prayer. Every thought is a prayer. And this
Speaker 1: is horrible, that's a prayer. You're sending that energy out.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, they shouldn't be like this. That's a prayer.
Speaker 1: And so is this is getting better. May not look
Speaker 1: better right now, but this is shifted, this is turning around.
Speaker 1: And I'm so grateful. And it may be hard based
Speaker 1: on what you're looking at, but you want to send
Speaker 1: that prayer out there too. I'm praying for you and
Speaker 1: your new baby. Thank you so much that you can
Speaker 1: take some of this energy that you're dispensing over things
Speaker 1: you can control and turn it on your baby. And
Speaker 1: I'm praying that you elevate that fear into love, real
Speaker 1: true love, and know that the same creator that holds
Speaker 1: you near holds them near. We don't know the good
Speaker 1: that's on the other side of this, We just don't.
Speaker 1: And it's hard to look at right. My brother was
Speaker 1: cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, and after a while
Speaker 1: I just stopped looking. I couldn't look no more. I
Speaker 1: stopped looking, Wow, thinking every day he's gonna get better.
Speaker 1: He's gonna get better. I stopped.
Speaker 4: And how long did it take you to get there?
Speaker 4: Or it's just a natural thing, you just got there.
Speaker 1: No, he was my older brother, addicted to drugs and
Speaker 1: alcohol from the I He was sixteen years old, and
Speaker 1: I didn't stop looking until we were like in our forties. Wow,
Speaker 1: but I just couldn't look no more. I couldn't look.
Speaker 1: I told him, don't call me, don't call me. If
Speaker 1: this is how you want to be, don't call me.
Speaker 1: And that was really hard. And he didn't call for
Speaker 1: five years.
Speaker 4: It's a long time. Ah, yeah, a long time, seeing
Speaker 4: as it stands at being nervous wrecktion an entire five years.
Speaker 1: That's the control freak in. You have to put her
Speaker 1: to rest, because really, what can you do? What can
Speaker 1: you do? My brother never came to me and said,
Speaker 1: will you help me with my addiction? Never he'd come
Speaker 1: to me and say can I have some money? He
Speaker 1: never said I want to stop using can you help me?
Speaker 4: Well, they really do, and then I guess then separating
Speaker 4: myself from it. I used to think separating myself from it,
Speaker 4: which just as bad as being around everyone and wishing
Speaker 4: I could help. And I feel like what you've given
Speaker 4: me is a medium, is a place that maybe I
Speaker 4: can be in because it was pulling me both sides.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I would say again, in your prayers and
Speaker 1: in your affirmations or in your positive mind state, whatever
Speaker 1: you want to call it, turn it over. Acknowledge your frailty.
Speaker 1: I know there's nothing I can do about this. I'm
Speaker 1: turning it over to something greater than me, greater than that. Right, Okay,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be okay. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1: And don't awfulize. Don't expect the worst, because it sounds
Speaker 1: like you're doing that too. You're traumatizing yourself.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I do.
Speaker 1: You have a frightened control freak running a mark in
Speaker 1: your mind. Give her her name and give her something
Speaker 1: else to do. I know what you can give her
Speaker 1: to do. You want to give her something else to do,
Speaker 1: Please send her to the House of Representatives in Washington.
Speaker 1: Tell her to teach them how to vote for the
Speaker 1: good of the people. Okay, let her work on that.
Speaker 4: Okay, send her right.
Speaker 1: Down to Washington, d C. And let her wrangle up
Speaker 1: them politicians down there. Let her work on that. So
Speaker 1: anytime you start thinking about how horrible this is in
Speaker 1: your family. Get on the bus, Go to d C.
Speaker 1: Go down to the House of Representative, Go into the Senate,
Speaker 1: go somewhere, go over there and work with them people.
Speaker 1: Leave me alone, underway. Okay, let them wrangle that up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: send her, give her a name. Tell her, Betty, I
Speaker 1: need you to go down to DC. They need you
Speaker 1: in the Senate right now. They're trying to they trying
Speaker 1: to make some bills. Go down there and work on them.
Speaker 1: Leave me alone, okay, okay. Strengthen your prayers, beloved, strengthen
Speaker 1: your prayers, and get out of the middle of it, right. Okay,
Speaker 1: Thank you so so much, Thank you for your patience.
Speaker 4: Of course, bye bye bye.
Speaker 1: Loving people and wanting the best for them is a
Speaker 1: very different thing than trying to control what they do.
Speaker 1: And sometimes when we love people and we want the
Speaker 1: best for them, we also think that we know how
Speaker 1: to bring their best about, and that's not always true.
Speaker 1: And when we don't make the distinction between loving people
Speaker 1: and controlling people, between wanting the best for some people
Speaker 1: those people that we love, and trying to make it
Speaker 1: look the way we think it should look. When we
Speaker 1: don't make that distinction, we create unnecessary stress for ourselfs
Speaker 1: and that stress will impact the relationship. Loving somebody and
Speaker 1: controlling somebody two completely different things. And if you love somebody,
Speaker 1: you want to see the best for them, hold the
Speaker 1: best for them, know the best for them, without trying
Speaker 1: to make it happen the way you think it's supposed
Speaker 1: to happen. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
Speaker 1: and if you have a question about this or any
Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all
Speaker 1: of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace
Speaker 1: and not be seased. The R Spot is a production
Speaker 1: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
Speaker 1: from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.