1 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:11,240 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:35,640 Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 6 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: When there's a breakdown in a relationship, it's hard on 7 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:45,240 Speaker 1: the people involved, But here's the truth, it is even 8 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 1: harder on the people watching. It's harder because they don't 9 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: know if they have to pick aside. They can see 10 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:59,440 Speaker 1: who's responsible for what, but they can't always say it. 11 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: It's hard on the people watching the breakdown and they 12 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:07,839 Speaker 1: become collateral damage. But they have to have clear boundaries 13 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,760 Speaker 1: and they have to know where they can and cannot tread. 14 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:16,280 Speaker 1: They have to know that the relationship can be healed. 15 00:01:16,319 --> 00:01:18,840 Speaker 1: But the only way it can be healed is if 16 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,640 Speaker 1: the people involved in the breakdown are willing. And when 17 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,319 Speaker 1: they're not willing, the people who are watching the breakdown 18 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:32,240 Speaker 1: just have to stop watching, turn your head in another direct, 19 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 1: don't look if it's hard to look at, look somewhere else. 20 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,720 Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that you don't act like it's 21 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:42,960 Speaker 1: not going on, but you just don't stick your opinion 22 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,280 Speaker 1: in it at all. You've got to know that no 23 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:50,640 Speaker 1: matter how bad it looks, a relationship can be healed 24 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: and you may not be the vehicle through which it 25 00:01:54,320 --> 00:02:00,640 Speaker 1: is here. Welcome to the r spot, beloved. Thank you 26 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 1: for your patience. Now what is your challenge, issue, dilemma, 27 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: problem that we can nibble on together today? 28 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:13,440 Speaker 2: Hi, Yes, ma'am. I'm a father of four. My oldest daughter, 29 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 2: it's currently a strange from her a relationship with their mom. 30 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 2: She's twenty four years old and early on me and 31 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 2: her mom went through a separation, divorce and she was 32 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 2: out of my life for approximately five years. Based on 33 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 2: things that happened immediately following a divorce, it took me 34 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:36,359 Speaker 2: an additional five years just for us to get into 35 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:41,440 Speaker 2: a really good, comfortable space, and unfortunately the downside is 36 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 2: that she no longer has a relationship with their mother. 37 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,639 Speaker 2: The major dilemma that I would like to address is 38 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 2: that I would love for her to be able to 39 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,080 Speaker 2: have both parents in her life at the same time. 40 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 3: He's always stated to me, tried to. 41 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,960 Speaker 2: Not get involved in try to mind senses and I 42 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,760 Speaker 2: try to follow that to the tea because that's what 43 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,760 Speaker 2: she said she wants. But part of me, especially how 44 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,840 Speaker 2: I was raised with both parents, it still is an 45 00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:09,639 Speaker 2: unsettled feeling for myself. 46 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: Yeah. First of all, I want you to take a breath. 47 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 3: Thank you. 48 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: I don't know if you're nervous, or you're moving or 49 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 1: what's going on, but take a breath. Nervous Yeah, no, 50 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,079 Speaker 1: don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. Think of me as 51 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 1: your older sister. 52 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:31,919 Speaker 3: Okay, we'll do for sure. 53 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:35,240 Speaker 1: I have no heat, no judgment. I just want to 54 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,520 Speaker 1: support you in being the best that you can be. 55 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 1: What a blessing that your baby girl has her dad 56 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: and her life. 57 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 3: Thank you. 58 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 1: So many women who would give their two front teeth 59 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:52,120 Speaker 1: to have their dad and their life. So she's blessed, 60 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 1: and I think she's It sounds like she's very important 61 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:02,520 Speaker 1: to you, So I want to you and being there 62 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 1: for her and being the best that you can be. 63 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 1: So it sounds like your greatest challenge here is that 64 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:14,200 Speaker 1: your twenty four year old daughter, with whom you now 65 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:18,920 Speaker 1: have a relationship after being absent, is a strange from 66 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,360 Speaker 1: her mom. Yes, ma'am, you're wanting to know how you 67 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,520 Speaker 1: can support her and being in relationship with her mom? 68 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:27,800 Speaker 1: Is that it? 69 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:29,920 Speaker 3: That's correct? 70 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 1: How does her being estranged from her mother show up 71 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: in her life? How is it affecting her? How is 72 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,159 Speaker 1: it impacting her? 73 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,360 Speaker 2: Just recently she got married. My daughter did just as 74 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:48,679 Speaker 2: past December, and what I noticed during that time frame, 75 00:04:48,839 --> 00:04:50,800 Speaker 2: we try to call each other at least one or 76 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:51,800 Speaker 2: two times per week. 77 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:53,280 Speaker 3: She would speak. 78 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 2: About her mother and had not done so in a while. 79 00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 2: And currently every time I'm on the phone with her, 80 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,479 Speaker 2: she brings up her mother one way or the other. 81 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 2: My greatest fear is I don't want her to feel 82 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,920 Speaker 2: betrayed by me, but that's usually. 83 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 4: How it shows up currently. 84 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, Are you in relationship with the mother? 85 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,599 Speaker 3: No, we do not have a relationship. 86 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:21,040 Speaker 2: It was a very difficult divorce that took place and 87 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 2: we don't talk at all. The last time I saw 88 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 2: is our youngest son's graduation, and that's actually the last 89 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,080 Speaker 2: time I actually talked to her, so that was about 90 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 2: three years ago. 91 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: Are you in relationship with all of the children. 92 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:40,920 Speaker 2: Yes, currently, my youngest daughter, she was the last one 93 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 2: that came on board. We started talking just this past December, 94 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,120 Speaker 2: and there was a three year break of us not 95 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,480 Speaker 2: talking that just we started in December. 96 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,279 Speaker 1: Okay, let me see if I can put it to 97 00:05:56,320 --> 00:06:02,159 Speaker 1: you this way. You're not looking at your daughter not 98 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:07,000 Speaker 1: being estranged from her mother. You're looking at two women 99 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: and breakdown. You gotta hold it like that in your mind. 100 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:16,599 Speaker 1: This is two women. Definitely, don't put your foot in 101 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: that at all, because as a man, you can't even 102 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:27,040 Speaker 1: begin to understand the intricate details of a breakdown between 103 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:30,800 Speaker 1: two women. You cannot because most of the time we 104 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:35,000 Speaker 1: can't understand it. What you can do is be there 105 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,840 Speaker 1: for your daughter. Listen to your daughter, offer her words 106 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:42,800 Speaker 1: of wisdom. If she just got married, did the mother 107 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:49,880 Speaker 1: go to the wedding? No? Oh yeah, though your daughter's 108 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 1: really hurting. She's in a lot of pain. Does she 109 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: have children? 110 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:59,240 Speaker 3: No, no children. She said that may be part of 111 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,080 Speaker 3: the future. 112 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 2: Which is it change from what she originally said that 113 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:03,599 Speaker 2: that was never going to happen. 114 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:08,960 Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, but she she's going to have to have 115 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: her first baby without her mother and that's going to 116 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 1: be a problem for her. And the thing that you 117 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:21,240 Speaker 1: can wait in the door is I understand that you're 118 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 1: upset and separated from your mom, But what are some 119 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 1: of the things that she did that you don't want 120 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 1: to do, because that's going to be a question. You know, 121 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 1: she's probably trying so hard not to be like her mother. 122 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 1: Do you know why they separated? What was the breakdown about. 123 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 2: It's something that kind of brewed over time period. I 124 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,600 Speaker 2: can say that the very last straw is that my 125 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 2: daughter is biracial. Her mother is Caucasian. I'm black, and 126 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,840 Speaker 2: certain traditions stayed around the house after I left, and 127 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 2: they were talking politics. She was in her in her 128 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:04,600 Speaker 2: third year in school, and there was a discussion about 129 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,080 Speaker 2: at the table, they were just talking about war and 130 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:09,559 Speaker 2: veteran stuff. And my daughter has a very straight hard 131 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 2: line and that's Sam when it comes to it. She 132 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,680 Speaker 2: supports her dad, she loves her dad, the veteran, but 133 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,040 Speaker 2: she has a hard line about war in the military itself. 134 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 2: And her mother looked at her and says, you're an 135 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,320 Speaker 2: angry black woman. 136 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:29,880 Speaker 1: Ooh, hold up, this white lady told her daughter, you're 137 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 1: an angry black woman. 138 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, she did. 139 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:38,520 Speaker 2: At I think how it was termed as more of 140 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,960 Speaker 2: a question, which she's like, I don't know what happened 141 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 2: to my daughter, but why are you such an angry 142 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,720 Speaker 2: black woman, and there was a mixed company at the table. 143 00:08:49,679 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 2: My ex wife's boyfriend was there at the table when 144 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,800 Speaker 2: she said that, and her siblings at the table, and 145 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,960 Speaker 2: I know that was played a larger. 146 00:08:57,679 --> 00:09:00,559 Speaker 3: Role into the separation. I think that to mark with 147 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:04,440 Speaker 3: things change, Wow. 148 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:09,520 Speaker 1: That gives this a whole new flavor. But I'm not 149 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: going to move off my original point. Daddy, you can't 150 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 1: put your foot in this at all, not at all. 151 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 1: And now you really can't put your foot in it. 152 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,440 Speaker 1: You got a white woman and a black woman and upset. 153 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,600 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, are the other children in relationship with 154 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:30,120 Speaker 1: their mom? 155 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,320 Speaker 2: My youngest son just recently broke away from his mom, 156 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 2: and that was a pretty surprising. I think that took 157 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:45,559 Speaker 2: place when it happened. But my son, again, he's one 158 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 2: of the out of the four, he's one of the 159 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,040 Speaker 2: two that don't have a current relationship with their mom. 160 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 1: Wow, it sounds to me, and I don't know this 161 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 1: to be true, because I'm sure she has her perspective, 162 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 1: but it sounds to me like mom might need to 163 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 1: do some work and that she might be the focus 164 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:10,080 Speaker 1: of attention. And again, all you can do is support her. 165 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:14,880 Speaker 1: I don't know how that feels to have your mother 166 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 1: ask you such a question. I know, in this day 167 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,199 Speaker 1: and age, being biracial is a lot easier than it 168 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: was in my time, but still still to have that 169 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,680 Speaker 1: come out of your mother's mouth is I don't even 170 00:10:31,679 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: know what that is. I don't know what the word 171 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: for it is. But if you have children, are you 172 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,000 Speaker 1: going to let your mom see them? Do you know 173 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,199 Speaker 1: how important a grandmother is in a grandchild's life. Mothers 174 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:48,240 Speaker 1: love their children, grandmothers adore them. You just have to 175 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,640 Speaker 1: think about it. These are things that you can just 176 00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: broach with her. When you talk to her about her mom. 177 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:55,840 Speaker 1: What does she say? 178 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,480 Speaker 2: There are certain discussions that pop up, like I have. 179 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,520 Speaker 2: I found a bunch of pictures from there from her childhood, 180 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:09,040 Speaker 2: and I started sending messages. Of course, she wouldn't remember them, 181 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 2: and she'd find herself next to someone in the picture 182 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 2: and she would say, hey, dad, who's this? Is this 183 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,440 Speaker 2: my real mother? In her mind it I don't know 184 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:23,800 Speaker 2: why my own mother doesn't like me. For about two years, 185 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,320 Speaker 2: she wouldn't even bring up her mother in a discussion. 186 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,359 Speaker 2: But since the wedding, it's these things become more questioned 187 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,840 Speaker 2: and I think she's just trying to figure out what 188 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:36,480 Speaker 2: happened regarding her relationship with her mom. 189 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,800 Speaker 1: And she says to you stay out of it, right. 190 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 2: Yes, she's like that, I love you, but this. You 191 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,680 Speaker 2: can't help this. I don't want you to. If me 192 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,560 Speaker 2: and my mother are gonna resolve things, that has to 193 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,640 Speaker 2: be done by her choice, and she has to make 194 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:53,400 Speaker 2: that first step. 195 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 1: The mother has to make the first step. 196 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:56,040 Speaker 3: Correct. 197 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, again, all you can do is off for words 198 00:12:00,559 --> 00:12:04,440 Speaker 1: of wisdom. When the time comes and you have your 199 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 1: first child, you know you're going to want your mom there. 200 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 1: So I hope you can resolve whatever this difficulty is 201 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:15,920 Speaker 1: before then or when you have problems in your marriage. 202 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:20,319 Speaker 1: If you have questions or challenges, you want your mom 203 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,640 Speaker 1: to be a soft place for you to fall, right. 204 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 1: I hope that you will think about those things. But 205 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,920 Speaker 1: I agree with her. Don't put your foot in that, 206 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: particularly if you and her mother didn't part on good company, 207 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: on good term. Just be there for her daddy, so 208 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:45,920 Speaker 1: you when she has her first baby, you have to go, Okay, 209 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:49,679 Speaker 1: we'll do with your iPhone, with your iPhone and take 210 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 1: the pictures. 211 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely, most definitely. 212 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:57,800 Speaker 1: This is a little subversive but you can do this 213 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,760 Speaker 1: when you know things happen and send you send them 214 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,880 Speaker 1: to the mom. Can you do that? Just wanted to 215 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:05,719 Speaker 1: share this with you. 216 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 3: I can't. 217 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,760 Speaker 1: Did you share wedding pictures with her? 218 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 3: I did not. 219 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 2: That was one of those things you specifically said don't do. 220 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:18,840 Speaker 1: Oh okay, yeah, honor that and just know if nothing else, 221 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 1: this is not about your daughter being in breakdown with 222 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,760 Speaker 1: her mother. Take it off of that, because that's going 223 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,720 Speaker 1: to pull a heart string for you. This is about 224 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:34,920 Speaker 1: two women in breakdown, and really there really is nothing 225 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:40,439 Speaker 1: that you can do, particularly because your daughter has said 226 00:13:40,559 --> 00:13:42,040 Speaker 1: stay out of it. Honor that. 227 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 2: We'll do. 228 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,240 Speaker 1: Honor that. Well, I'm glad she's got you, daddy. I'm 229 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:47,280 Speaker 1: glad she's got you. 230 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,040 Speaker 2: One of the greatest joys of my life. So I 231 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:50,720 Speaker 2: am thankful. 232 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,440 Speaker 1: And I don't know if you're a praying man, but 233 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,640 Speaker 1: I would pray about it. 234 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:55,360 Speaker 3: I will. 235 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,480 Speaker 2: I will definitely ask. 236 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:01,199 Speaker 1: The angels, the guardians, the ancestors to God to bring 237 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:07,959 Speaker 1: this to healing for the highest good of everybody involved. Okay, 238 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:16,280 Speaker 1: well for sure, all right, thank you. I don't have 239 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:20,760 Speaker 1: many broken relationships in my life, but one that is 240 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,960 Speaker 1: broken for me is my relationship with my youngest daughter, 241 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:31,760 Speaker 1: and as a mom, it is heartbreaking, gut wrenching to 242 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 1: know that my baby girl is out there in the 243 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,280 Speaker 1: world and doesn't want me to be a part of 244 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: her life. But as a woman, I have to respect 245 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:46,600 Speaker 1: her choice. I'm her mother, and the power don't run up, 246 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: it runs down. So if she has made the choice 247 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:55,560 Speaker 1: that she'd rather be out in the world without her mom, 248 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 1: if I'm not a soft place for her to fall, 249 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,760 Speaker 1: if she can't trust my voice and my intentions, then 250 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,920 Speaker 1: maybe it's just best that we not be in relationship. 251 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,760 Speaker 1: And just like my last guest, I'm sure it's really 252 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:16,360 Speaker 1: hard on the people watching, But all I can do 253 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: is hold a space for her, because sometimes the healing 254 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,520 Speaker 1: is in letting it go. And even though the people 255 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,400 Speaker 1: watching and the people all around you they try to 256 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 1: give you suggestions and recommendations, just tell them shh, I'm 257 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:36,560 Speaker 1: willing to be totally and completely responsible, but I'm letting 258 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:41,280 Speaker 1: go now. My next caller is dealing with the same issue. 259 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:45,000 Speaker 1: But as long as you hold on, dealing can happen. 260 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 1: We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back 261 00:15:56,520 --> 00:16:01,360 Speaker 1: to the R Spot. We are continuing our conversation about 262 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:07,240 Speaker 1: letting go until the healing happens. Thank you for calling 263 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 1: our spot. Now, what is your relationship challenge issued dilemma 264 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: that I can support you in Today? 265 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 4: I've been watching my closest family members, the closest to me, 266 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,920 Speaker 4: fall apart, so to speak. Within the past three years, 267 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,880 Speaker 4: we lost one family member to suicide, one had a 268 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 4: heart condition that took him pretty quickly, and some others 269 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,920 Speaker 4: that have exhibited mental illness. And I have what I 270 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 4: call Superman complex where I want to fix things and 271 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,200 Speaker 4: I want to fix things I don't have control over, 272 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 4: especially as it relates to my loved ones. And I've 273 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,760 Speaker 4: noticed that the connection that we've had as a family 274 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:51,360 Speaker 4: is fading because of these things, and it's had a 275 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,320 Speaker 4: profound effect on me, especially as a new mother. I 276 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 4: just had a baby recently, So I'm looking to know 277 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 4: how I can bess navigate this because I'm watching the 278 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 4: ones that I love most thinking to depression, addiction, hopelessness, 279 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 4: and I feel helpless myself. I do listen to your show, 280 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,200 Speaker 4: and I know you talk a lot about faith, but 281 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 4: prayer it doesn't feel like it's always enough. And these 282 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 4: are people I interact with every day. 283 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,199 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, do you have a pencil and a 284 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:24,000 Speaker 1: piece of paper? 285 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,479 Speaker 4: I could get one. 286 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,439 Speaker 1: Okay, then I don't. I don't want you to have 287 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:33,479 Speaker 1: to do that because you've been holding so long. So 288 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,560 Speaker 1: I want you to hear this. I'm going to write 289 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:44,000 Speaker 1: it down for you. Okay, frightened control freak? Did you 290 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:44,480 Speaker 1: hear what I. 291 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:49,440 Speaker 4: Said, frightened control freak? Yes? 292 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:58,159 Speaker 1: Yeah, I didn't think I was going there, did you. 293 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,320 Speaker 4: No control freak is not good. 294 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:08,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, no, it's not. It's not good at all. And 295 00:18:08,119 --> 00:18:12,520 Speaker 1: I think the most disturbing thing I heard you say 296 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:17,639 Speaker 1: was the prayer doesn't seem like it's enough. So that 297 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:22,399 Speaker 1: says to me, not only is there a little manic 298 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,760 Speaker 1: control freak running around someplace in the left quadrant of 299 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: your brain, you also have a predetermined scenario of what 300 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:38,920 Speaker 1: you think this should look like. And if you're praying 301 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,880 Speaker 1: and it still looks the same, how do you know 302 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:46,480 Speaker 1: what that person's spiritual contract is and what they have 303 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:50,280 Speaker 1: to go through and what they have to experience in 304 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,959 Speaker 1: order to get to where they need to be. It 305 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:58,560 Speaker 1: may look like addiction, it may look like depression, it 306 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:03,159 Speaker 1: may look like hopelessness, But how do you know in 307 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 1: the midst of your prayer. That's it not exactly what 308 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,760 Speaker 1: it needs to look like right now to get to 309 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,040 Speaker 1: where they need to be. How do you know that? 310 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 4: I don't know that, But it's sometimes hard to think 311 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:21,560 Speaker 4: about the journey when I'm so scared and i feel 312 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,680 Speaker 4: like I'm watching something dangerous happen. 313 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 1: That's the other part, the frightened part. But you see, 314 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 1: there are only two emotions that matter. The first one 315 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,800 Speaker 1: is love and the second one is fear. And when 316 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:42,320 Speaker 1: you are in fear, you cannot be in love because 317 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: no two things can occupy the same space at the 318 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:51,680 Speaker 1: same time. So you're in fear because it doesn't look 319 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:56,200 Speaker 1: like you think it should look, and you don't feel 320 00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: or know what to do about it. That's creating for you, knew. 321 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,919 Speaker 4: Mama, he definitely is. 322 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,600 Speaker 1: So I want to share with you two things and 323 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:13,000 Speaker 1: maybe one of them will fit. Okay. I had a 324 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:17,479 Speaker 1: very dear friend. Actually she was one of my students, 325 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,679 Speaker 1: and I love her dearly, and she was in the 326 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:27,920 Speaker 1: throes of a crippling depression, crippling almost to the point 327 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 1: where she wouldn't comb her hair every day, but she 328 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 1: kept getting up and she kept coming to class. Sometimes 329 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,280 Speaker 1: she would come to class and just weep. She would 330 00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:41,159 Speaker 1: try to get the work done and couldn't get the 331 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,439 Speaker 1: work done. And I'm looking at this and I'm like, 332 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,160 Speaker 1: oh my God, what do I do? 333 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:45,919 Speaker 4: Right? 334 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,320 Speaker 1: So I did what I know how to do best, 335 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:52,120 Speaker 1: which is pray, help her, God, show me what to do. 336 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,120 Speaker 1: That was really my prayer. I didn't even say help 337 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,719 Speaker 1: her God, tell the Jew, I'm telling the jewth okay. 338 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,119 Speaker 1: I would say, show me what to do. What do 339 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,800 Speaker 1: I need to do? How can I help her? And 340 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:09,640 Speaker 1: to me, it looked like it was getting worse, to 341 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,520 Speaker 1: the point where if I didn't hear from her, like 342 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 1: in three or four days, I'd send people a call 343 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:19,119 Speaker 1: and check on her and make sure she hadn't harmed herself. 344 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,399 Speaker 1: That's how bad it was. Yeah, until one day I 345 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:27,159 Speaker 1: was praying, and what came to me is you're praying 346 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:33,080 Speaker 1: the wrong prayer. You're asking your creator, your source, what 347 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:38,679 Speaker 1: you need to do to fix this, as opposed to 348 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:43,040 Speaker 1: turning it over and letting create a source God fix it. 349 00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:46,119 Speaker 1: I said, oh my goodness, So I changed my prayer 350 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,359 Speaker 1: to I'm placing her in your hands. I know you 351 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:51,480 Speaker 1: love her. I don't like what this looks like I 352 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 1: don't like what it feels like. And I prayed that prayer, 353 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,640 Speaker 1: and after I don't know, maybe a month or two, 354 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 1: you know what I heard. I heard this I'll meet 355 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:06,400 Speaker 1: her on the other side. I was like, whoa, I'll 356 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,879 Speaker 1: meet her on the other side. So that let me 357 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: know two things. Number one, my prayer had been heard, 358 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 1: and number two, she was going to get through this. 359 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,240 Speaker 1: And if it was too hard for me to look at, 360 00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:24,679 Speaker 1: I stopped looking. I kept praying, but I stopped looking. 361 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:29,000 Speaker 1: I stopped looking, I stopped calling, I stopped worrying. I 362 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:32,480 Speaker 1: stopped making up all kinds of horrifying scenarios in my 363 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:36,600 Speaker 1: mind about her harming herself or ended up homeless on 364 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,000 Speaker 1: the street eating cat food, all of the stuff that 365 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,520 Speaker 1: I was tormenting myself with. I stopped it. 366 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 4: I've been there. 367 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,520 Speaker 1: Because I had that word, yeah, yeah, I'll meet her 368 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:51,399 Speaker 1: on the other side. That also told me that something 369 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,000 Speaker 1: greater than me was in it with her. Does that 370 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:54,840 Speaker 1: make sense to you? 371 00:22:56,080 --> 00:23:02,439 Speaker 4: It does? It does? It takes found amount of letting 372 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:04,160 Speaker 4: go to get there. 373 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 1: Absolutely. And the other thing that I had to really embrace, 374 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:19,160 Speaker 1: particularly you said you're a new mama. I'm an old mama, 375 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:23,880 Speaker 1: when my youngins, when my pups, when my babies were 376 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:27,960 Speaker 1: going through a difficult time, and I was twisting myself 377 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,160 Speaker 1: in a pretzel trying to keep them from hitting rock 378 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,359 Speaker 1: bottom because to me, rock bottom they were looking at 379 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: rock bottom okay, And as mama, I want to fix it, 380 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,560 Speaker 1: change it, throw money at it, throw people at it, 381 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:45,439 Speaker 1: everything to fix it and change it. Until I was 382 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:49,560 Speaker 1: reading something one day and I came across this line 383 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 1: and it said, it's very hard to watch your loved 384 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:59,800 Speaker 1: ones hit rock bottom until you remember that God made 385 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:08,359 Speaker 1: the wow. And what I took from that was maybe 386 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:13,520 Speaker 1: they've got to get down there to find their strength there, faith, 387 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:18,800 Speaker 1: their trust, their relationship with God. That's when they are 388 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:22,960 Speaker 1: going to have to pray for themselves. See, we don't 389 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,439 Speaker 1: know what anybody's spiritual contract is. We don't know what 390 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,280 Speaker 1: they came here to learn or do or accomplish. And 391 00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:35,359 Speaker 1: as long as we're afraid, it's saying two things that 392 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,840 Speaker 1: we don't believe. First of all, that God can save them, 393 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:43,240 Speaker 1: and second of all that they have the wherewithal to 394 00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:44,640 Speaker 1: save themselves. 395 00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:50,239 Speaker 4: Since we've had a suicide, I think that kind of 396 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,480 Speaker 4: took away my ability in a way to see that 397 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,840 Speaker 4: someone could save themselves. But I sometimes it's imagine the 398 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:03,000 Speaker 4: worst case scenario. If someone goes through enough sufferings, they'll 399 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,000 Speaker 4: take themselves away. 400 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:10,199 Speaker 1: People don't commit suicide because they want to die. People 401 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:14,400 Speaker 1: commit suicide because they don't know how to live. They 402 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:17,600 Speaker 1: don't know how to end the pain. They don't really 403 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,159 Speaker 1: want to die, they just haven't prayed the prayer or 404 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,760 Speaker 1: found the way, or found the fortitude whatever it is 405 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:28,840 Speaker 1: required to move through the pain. So to end the pain, 406 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:32,000 Speaker 1: they end their lives. But there's always a way to 407 00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:37,280 Speaker 1: end the pain. And one person committing suicide, as challenging 408 00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 1: and difficult as it is, that may have been their 409 00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:44,399 Speaker 1: contract that has nothing to do with anybody else. But 410 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,440 Speaker 1: you got to give up this control piece. I don't 411 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,639 Speaker 1: know which is worse, to control or to fear. 412 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:55,000 Speaker 4: For the horrible combination too, it's. 413 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:58,920 Speaker 1: Like drinking poison expecting somebody else to die. Oh my goodness, 414 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:04,359 Speaker 1: I know we'll talk about that right after this break. 415 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to 416 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 1: the conversation. This is gonna sound horrible, but it's the 417 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:22,119 Speaker 1: only way I know you're going to get out of 418 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:26,159 Speaker 1: this is to see the worst and work yourself through it. 419 00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:32,280 Speaker 1: See the worst and work yourself through it. What that 420 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,679 Speaker 1: means is, let's say I heard you say something about 421 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:40,080 Speaker 1: drug abuse. So let's say that person is strung out 422 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 1: or out on the streets and you know, gets beat 423 00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:47,840 Speaker 1: up or gets arrested or God forbid overdoses. How would 424 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:52,040 Speaker 1: you feel? How would you feel? Work yourself through that 425 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,560 Speaker 1: so that you can clear that out, because you're not 426 00:26:56,720 --> 00:27:00,440 Speaker 1: going to be able to see anything higher as long 427 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:07,240 Speaker 1: as you're fighting against acknowledging the lower. And if you 428 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: love these people, love them enough to see them higher, 429 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:16,160 Speaker 1: even though your eyes are looking at rock bottom. Remember 430 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,720 Speaker 1: who made the rock, love them enough to see them higher. 431 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:22,600 Speaker 1: I know you can do this. I know You've got 432 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,480 Speaker 1: the strengthen there, and I'm calling it forward in you 433 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 1: right now. You're better than this, You're more than this, 434 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: and you may have to pray that prayer for a 435 00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:33,359 Speaker 1: long time, but God will meet him on the other side. 436 00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:37,080 Speaker 4: I never thought about it that way. 437 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:41,919 Speaker 1: That's because you've let your control freak run them up. 438 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,200 Speaker 4: I just want it to be right. 439 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:52,200 Speaker 1: It is right, because that's what it is. That's what 440 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,480 Speaker 1: it is right now, and it is right can it 441 00:27:55,560 --> 00:28:01,200 Speaker 1: get better? Yes? Right, these people people weren't always like this. 442 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:02,240 Speaker 1: Is that accurate? 443 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 4: That's true? Yes? 444 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:08,120 Speaker 1: Yeah? So where is that that kept it at bay 445 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:11,959 Speaker 1: for so long? Yeah? 446 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:15,080 Speaker 4: I just love them so much. I just I know 447 00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:19,560 Speaker 4: I never imagined that my own family, my closest family members, 448 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,720 Speaker 4: with so many of them, would be in this state. 449 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,399 Speaker 1: Well, love them enough to know that this is what 450 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,320 Speaker 1: they have to go through at this time. Stop thinking 451 00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:31,920 Speaker 1: that you know where they should be, because you don't. 452 00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:35,960 Speaker 1: This is where they are and it's hard. I'm hearing 453 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: it's hard, And don't try to talk them out of it, 454 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:42,800 Speaker 1: shame them in it. You know, it's a simple statement. 455 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,479 Speaker 1: I see so much better for you, and I'm praying 456 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:46,320 Speaker 1: that you get there. 457 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 4: Simple If you don't mind me asking how many times 458 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,080 Speaker 4: a day do you pray? 459 00:28:54,080 --> 00:29:00,720 Speaker 1: I pray all day. I'm praying right now, prayer for you. 460 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,640 Speaker 1: I don't have to stop and kneel down and go 461 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:08,840 Speaker 1: in the corner. And I don't have to do that 462 00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,400 Speaker 1: because I know that every thought I think is a prayer, 463 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,840 Speaker 1: every word I speak is a prayer. That's why I 464 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 1: say to you, go to the worst, work yourself through it, 465 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:23,240 Speaker 1: and get higher because you thinking or hold trying not 466 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:26,680 Speaker 1: to think about the worst possible outcome. That's a prayer. 467 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:32,160 Speaker 1: That's a prayer. Every thought is a prayer. And this 468 00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:36,440 Speaker 1: is horrible, that's a prayer. You're sending that energy out. 469 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,560 Speaker 1: Oh my god, they shouldn't be like this. That's a prayer. 470 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:44,040 Speaker 1: And so is this is getting better. May not look 471 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:47,760 Speaker 1: better right now, but this is shifted, this is turning around. 472 00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,880 Speaker 1: And I'm so grateful. And it may be hard based 473 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,920 Speaker 1: on what you're looking at, but you want to send 474 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 1: that prayer out there too. I'm praying for you and 475 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 1: your new baby. Thank you so much that you can 476 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:08,320 Speaker 1: take some of this energy that you're dispensing over things 477 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 1: you can control and turn it on your baby. And 478 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:15,520 Speaker 1: I'm praying that you elevate that fear into love, real 479 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:20,160 Speaker 1: true love, and know that the same creator that holds 480 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:25,240 Speaker 1: you near holds them near. We don't know the good 481 00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:28,360 Speaker 1: that's on the other side of this, We just don't. 482 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:33,280 Speaker 1: And it's hard to look at right. My brother was 483 00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, and after a while 484 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:40,960 Speaker 1: I just stopped looking. I couldn't look no more. I 485 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:45,320 Speaker 1: stopped looking, Wow, thinking every day he's gonna get better. 486 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:49,080 Speaker 1: He's gonna get better. I stopped. 487 00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,960 Speaker 4: And how long did it take you to get there? 488 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,520 Speaker 4: Or it's just a natural thing, you just got there. 489 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:59,080 Speaker 1: No, he was my older brother, addicted to drugs and 490 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:02,239 Speaker 1: alcohol from the I He was sixteen years old, and 491 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:06,320 Speaker 1: I didn't stop looking until we were like in our forties. Wow, 492 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,240 Speaker 1: but I just couldn't look no more. I couldn't look. 493 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,440 Speaker 1: I told him, don't call me, don't call me. If 494 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:15,520 Speaker 1: this is how you want to be, don't call me. 495 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 1: And that was really hard. And he didn't call for 496 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:19,120 Speaker 1: five years. 497 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:24,720 Speaker 4: It's a long time. Ah, yeah, a long time, seeing 498 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,320 Speaker 4: as it stands at being nervous wrecktion an entire five years. 499 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,560 Speaker 1: That's the control freak in. You have to put her 500 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:36,120 Speaker 1: to rest, because really, what can you do? What can 501 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:40,320 Speaker 1: you do? My brother never came to me and said, 502 00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:44,760 Speaker 1: will you help me with my addiction? Never he'd come 503 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:47,000 Speaker 1: to me and say can I have some money? He 504 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:49,840 Speaker 1: never said I want to stop using can you help me? 505 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:56,120 Speaker 4: Well, they really do, and then I guess then separating 506 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:59,760 Speaker 4: myself from it. I used to think separating myself from it, 507 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:04,000 Speaker 4: which just as bad as being around everyone and wishing 508 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:07,120 Speaker 4: I could help. And I feel like what you've given 509 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:10,720 Speaker 4: me is a medium, is a place that maybe I 510 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:14,120 Speaker 4: can be in because it was pulling me both sides. 511 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:21,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, and I would say again, in your prayers and 512 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:25,280 Speaker 1: in your affirmations or in your positive mind state, whatever 513 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:29,960 Speaker 1: you want to call it, turn it over. Acknowledge your frailty. 514 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,000 Speaker 1: I know there's nothing I can do about this. I'm 515 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:39,479 Speaker 1: turning it over to something greater than me, greater than that. Right, Okay, 516 00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:45,120 Speaker 1: it's gonna be okay. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay. 517 00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:50,920 Speaker 1: And don't awfulize. Don't expect the worst, because it sounds 518 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,440 Speaker 1: like you're doing that too. You're traumatizing yourself. 519 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:55,240 Speaker 4: Yeah, I do. 520 00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,600 Speaker 1: You have a frightened control freak running a mark in 521 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:03,200 Speaker 1: your mind. Give her her name and give her something 522 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:05,800 Speaker 1: else to do. I know what you can give her 523 00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:08,640 Speaker 1: to do. You want to give her something else to do, 524 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:18,240 Speaker 1: Please send her to the House of Representatives in Washington. 525 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,520 Speaker 1: Tell her to teach them how to vote for the 526 00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 1: good of the people. Okay, let her work on that. 527 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:30,960 Speaker 4: Okay, send her right. 528 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,280 Speaker 1: Down to Washington, d C. And let her wrangle up 529 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:37,560 Speaker 1: them politicians down there. Let her work on that. So 530 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,920 Speaker 1: anytime you start thinking about how horrible this is in 531 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,160 Speaker 1: your family. Get on the bus, Go to d C. 532 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,360 Speaker 1: Go down to the House of Representative, Go into the Senate, 533 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:47,120 Speaker 1: go somewhere, go over there and work with them people. 534 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:52,560 Speaker 1: Leave me alone, underway. Okay, let them wrangle that up. Yeah, 535 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:56,520 Speaker 1: send her, give her a name. Tell her, Betty, I 536 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 1: need you to go down to DC. They need you 537 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,600 Speaker 1: in the Senate right now. They're trying to they trying 538 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,600 Speaker 1: to make some bills. Go down there and work on them. 539 00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:12,000 Speaker 1: Leave me alone, okay, okay. Strengthen your prayers, beloved, strengthen 540 00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:16,759 Speaker 1: your prayers, and get out of the middle of it, right. Okay, 541 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,360 Speaker 1: Thank you so so much, Thank you for your patience. 542 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:25,160 Speaker 4: Of course, bye bye bye. 543 00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:30,799 Speaker 1: Loving people and wanting the best for them is a 544 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:34,919 Speaker 1: very different thing than trying to control what they do. 545 00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:40,200 Speaker 1: And sometimes when we love people and we want the 546 00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:45,239 Speaker 1: best for them, we also think that we know how 547 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,800 Speaker 1: to bring their best about, and that's not always true. 548 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:54,000 Speaker 1: And when we don't make the distinction between loving people 549 00:34:55,200 --> 00:35:00,000 Speaker 1: and controlling people, between wanting the best for some people 550 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:03,480 Speaker 1: those people that we love, and trying to make it 551 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:06,319 Speaker 1: look the way we think it should look. When we 552 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:12,799 Speaker 1: don't make that distinction, we create unnecessary stress for ourselfs 553 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:18,960 Speaker 1: and that stress will impact the relationship. Loving somebody and 554 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:27,040 Speaker 1: controlling somebody two completely different things. And if you love somebody, 555 00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,880 Speaker 1: you want to see the best for them, hold the 556 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:34,320 Speaker 1: best for them, know the best for them, without trying 557 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,400 Speaker 1: to make it happen the way you think it's supposed 558 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:40,360 Speaker 1: to happen. I hope this has been helpful to someone, 559 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,720 Speaker 1: and if you have a question about this or any 560 00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven 561 00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:51,680 Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now 562 00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:54,520 Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all 563 00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:58,240 Speaker 1: of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace 564 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:05,120 Speaker 1: and not be seased. The R Spot is a production 565 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:10,840 Speaker 1: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts 566 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:16,080 Speaker 1: from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 567 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:18,680 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.