Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now, avail ever,
Speaker 1: restuet your podcast at such a Spotify Apple Go listen
Speaker 1: right now to the Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see by so next to zodiac sign
Speaker 1: and favorite color. It never really occurred to me that
Speaker 1: when dating someone to ask their political party affiliation. Dead
Speaker 1: As I wouldn't think about it. Well, dead ass, we
Speaker 1: never would have gotten married if I told my mother
Speaker 1: that you were Republican but I'm not. But it's funny
Speaker 1: you say that like that. But dead As my mother
Speaker 1: was not having it. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the
Speaker 1: ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: with our boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. I make you need derby most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't
Speaker 1: want to talk about through the lens of a millennial,
Speaker 1: married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say
Speaker 1: every day. When we say dead ass, we're actually saying
Speaker 1: facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
Speaker 1: the truth. We're about to take Phillow's off to a
Speaker 1: whole new level. Dead ask starts now. So no, we've
Speaker 1: told you guys a little the backstory of how Deval
Speaker 1: and I met. You know, how is a young whit
Speaker 1: behind the ears, eighteen year old girl and you know,
Speaker 1: just madly, madly, potentially madly in love with this guy here,
Speaker 1: potentially potentially madly in love. There was a prospect there,
Speaker 1: you know, I saw him growing into his head and whatnot.
Speaker 1: So I said, you know what, I'm going to try
Speaker 1: to find this guy's phone number. Couldn't find his phone number.
Speaker 1: Went to the white pages and I went and put
Speaker 1: in his last name, and I found his dad's phone number,
Speaker 1: the house phone number, his name and everything. Right, strange
Speaker 1: strange person. Yes, So I did all that, and h
Speaker 1: called the house phone and spoke to his mom and
Speaker 1: she was the sweetest, sweetest person on the phone. Oh,
Speaker 1: my goodness, Cadine, it's so good to to hear from you.
Speaker 1: We had such a great time at that banquet. Oh
Speaker 1: my goodness, I have a perfect picture of you and
Speaker 1: de Val and stuff. So I got Devo's phone number,
Speaker 1: his cell phone number from his mom and we had
Speaker 1: a great conversation on the phone that day. Fast forward
Speaker 1: to Deval and I actually, you know, seeing each other
Speaker 1: hanging out a couple of times, I guess, you know,
Speaker 1: it was time for me to go to the house
Speaker 1: and meet the family. You know me Mama again that
Speaker 1: go to how you knew you look good? Like okay, okay.
Speaker 1: So you know, it was very off putting because you know,
Speaker 1: the phone conversation that we had initially, like I said,
Speaker 1: my mother in law was sweet as pie. And we
Speaker 1: got to the house and everyone sat down, and you know,
Speaker 1: I was offered a drink and I went into the
Speaker 1: kitchen and sat with his mom and she's like, so Codeine,
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, what's up, Mrs Zealous, you know, and
Speaker 1: she's just like, what church do you remember at m
Speaker 1: And I was like, uh, remember, I mean my family
Speaker 1: goes to x y Z church. And she's like, oh,
Speaker 1: and she has a little pepsi and she's like, you know,
Speaker 1: the straws in the cup, and she's like swirling it
Speaker 1: around and I can hear her ice and I could
Speaker 1: literally hear like all of the bubbles from that carbonated
Speaker 1: soda popping. Because then it got really really awkward and weird.
Speaker 1: And she's just like, Okay, in your your what eighteen?
Speaker 1: I said, yeah, I'm I'm a teen. My birthdays in December,
Speaker 1: I'll be nineteen. And she's like, oh, okay, so you
Speaker 1: couldn't vote in the last election. Are you registered to vote?
Speaker 1: That's my mother. My mama used to say, take your time,
Speaker 1: young man. My mom used to say, don't you rush
Speaker 1: to get up. My mommy used to say, take it
Speaker 1: in your stride. My mommer used to say, live your life.
Speaker 1: Shout out, Karen Alice. I love that. I was about
Speaker 1: to say, didn't have to have that, you gott If
Speaker 1: you don't say it like that, then you don't really
Speaker 1: want to sing the song. So clearly you've grown up
Speaker 1: on this song, because I don't know what the song is.
Speaker 1: I don't think i've ever heard it. No, that's this
Speaker 1: is part of you being you know, Caribbean, West Indian
Speaker 1: and this is part of me being American, and you
Speaker 1: know what with it? Have you ever heard this song before?
Speaker 1: So if your parents grew up in this country, I
Speaker 1: guarantee you would have heard your song a barbecue period
Speaker 1: period you would have heard You're right, So what my
Speaker 1: barbecue and got provoked? No, it didn't get revoked. But
Speaker 1: you listen to different songs like I walk into your house.
Speaker 1: Not here nine alone can quench this act. And I
Speaker 1: didn't hear that I started dating. It's very true, but
Speaker 1: let's not deflect off the fact that my mom my, mom, oh,
Speaker 1: let me not, let me not go. It's more like
Speaker 1: the gatekeeper. You don't disrespect. I have to call caron
Speaker 1: gun bust up here playing about babies. So in my
Speaker 1: story I talked about mom being like the gatekeeper of
Speaker 1: their children, which I can completely agree with. That's me,
Speaker 1: that's I would do the same thing for my boys. Um,
Speaker 1: you know. And we talked about politics religion, So that
Speaker 1: brought us to start talking about today. You know what
Speaker 1: topics are taboo or no longer taboo for us millennials.
Speaker 1: And given the culture right now, what are the things
Speaker 1: that people talk about and don't talk about? What's on
Speaker 1: the table, what's off the table? Well, the funny thing
Speaker 1: is some are taboo and some aren't taboo. And the
Speaker 1: way we the reason why we came up with this
Speaker 1: was because you know, our parents, you know, come out
Speaker 1: to visit us, and it just happened that our brother
Speaker 1: and sister brought home their significant others and to meet
Speaker 1: the parents, and me watching the dynamic of how it
Speaker 1: works just reminds me of me going through it and
Speaker 1: then your parents, because we're both kind of far removed
Speaker 1: from the dating scene, very far. So there's certain things
Speaker 1: around dating that we don't necessarily we're not savvy to anymore.
Speaker 1: And it's funny because when it doesn't matter if your
Speaker 1: brother or your sister or my brother or my sister
Speaker 1: bring home a significant other, it seems like the dad's
Speaker 1: are laid back, Oh, it's nice to meet you, blah
Speaker 1: blah blah. The mom's going to a different type of
Speaker 1: mode and they start asking questions, you know, just like
Speaker 1: my mom asked you what church family are you a
Speaker 1: part of? You know? Did you vote? You know? And
Speaker 1: that made me think about something because it's something you
Speaker 1: said in the very beginning, especially speaking with politics, you said, um,
Speaker 1: I said if you were a Republican, my mother wouldn't
Speaker 1: let me marry you. And you was just like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not. And it just made me laugh because it's
Speaker 1: like black people were being a Democrat as a badge
Speaker 1: of honor. You're right, And I don't understand why I
Speaker 1: got friends. I got friends who would hear someone else
Speaker 1: who's black as a Republican. Yeah, and they would be like,
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, the Republican, bro, you're a Democrat but
Speaker 1: you don't even know who's running in the Democratic Party.
Speaker 1: But you're just probably labeling ourselves a Democrat. But we
Speaker 1: don't understand what's going on with the Democratic Party per se.
Speaker 1: We don't know what's going on with any party. And
Speaker 1: what its flabbergasting to me is that we judge people.
Speaker 1: So I have a question for you. You're a single
Speaker 1: millennial hypothetically because you're not all right, and you meet
Speaker 1: a guy, tall, dark, handsome, bearded up, makes good money,
Speaker 1: you know, makes good money, alright, great in bed and
Speaker 1: is a maga hat Is that a deal breaker for you? Yes? Yes,
Speaker 1: that would have to be a deal breaker for me,
Speaker 1: and not because um, I would say it's not a
Speaker 1: deal breaker for me because of the simple fact that
Speaker 1: he himself may be a Republican. But I think about
Speaker 1: even some of our friends who who's who's salaries may
Speaker 1: put them in the tax bracket to be a Republican, right,
Speaker 1: so they may side with Republicans. However, you have to
Speaker 1: think about how everyone else around you is affected by that.
Speaker 1: And I feel like maybe this young man who seems
Speaker 1: to be the perfect makeup, you know, may not be
Speaker 1: in touch with his people or the people around him
Speaker 1: and how they're being affected by that. That's why, you know,
Speaker 1: That's why it's important. Because Kadine and I we have
Speaker 1: a list of five things here that we think it's
Speaker 1: very important for people to talk about when dating that
Speaker 1: are taboo, and we're gonna start with politics, but we're
Speaker 1: gonna go down the list. Right. Politics is very important
Speaker 1: because who you vote for and what political party you
Speaker 1: are affiliated with often describes and points you in a
Speaker 1: position for your moral compass, right, And I learned this
Speaker 1: growing up. I remember when I was I called my
Speaker 1: mother Angela Davis, all right, mama, Oh she's missing is
Speaker 1: the Afro. She grew up in a time where she
Speaker 1: was the first class to be integrated into James Madison
Speaker 1: High School and also Marine Park, so she had to
Speaker 1: deal with racism or whole life, especially getting her education.
Speaker 1: And um, she's always made me feel proud to be black.
Speaker 1: And part of being black was also voting, especially in
Speaker 1: local elections. Not so much you know, always the you know,
Speaker 1: you gotta be who's the president. Everyone cares about who's
Speaker 1: the president, but you have to be involved with local elections.
Speaker 1: You have a better chance of affecting and influencing your government,
Speaker 1: feeling that change that you're does desiring by having that
Speaker 1: hand in the um the community. Right. Absolutely, so for
Speaker 1: me it was like being aware of politically means a lot, right.
Speaker 1: And I was always like Democrat, Democrat, Democrat because that's
Speaker 1: what I grew up, That's what I was born as
Speaker 1: a Democrat. Then we make it to the NFL, the
Speaker 1: two of us, and you start making a ton of
Speaker 1: money and you realize that they tax you at and
Speaker 1: then you start hearing the murmurs of well, this is
Speaker 1: what the Republican Party is fighting for. They want, you know,
Speaker 1: greater tax breaks for people who make a lot more money.
Speaker 1: And then you start to realize that you start to
Speaker 1: feel like Dan if I was a Republican, I can
Speaker 1: get more tax breaks, but then you start to think
Speaker 1: about how many people around you aren't in that tax
Speaker 1: bracket and what else comes with that party. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, you think about criminal justice reforms because
Speaker 1: it's not all I'm sorry, it's not all about the
Speaker 1: money or the salary, right, and who's going to jail
Speaker 1: and exactly under this party? Right, So you know, you're
Speaker 1: making more money or you get some tax breaks, but
Speaker 1: how many people that look like you are going to
Speaker 1: be masterly in cars race so you're never attempted at
Speaker 1: any point, like you know, when you were making that
Speaker 1: kind of money. NFL days to be like, man, I
Speaker 1: should really vote for somebody who's going to protect the
Speaker 1: best interests of my wealth so that way I can
Speaker 1: then help to build this legacy for my future children
Speaker 1: that you know, I aspire to have full, full transparency. Um.
Speaker 1: When I turned sixteen, I believe it was the two
Speaker 1: thousand election, which was Bush. Then two thousand and four
Speaker 1: I believe was Bush again. He became re elected Bush again, Right,
Speaker 1: So I kind of felt like, just you know, know know,
Speaker 1: when my mom understanding a little bit about politics, was that,
Speaker 1: you know, we're in New York. New York's the blue state,
Speaker 1: They're typically going to be democratic. I didn't feel the
Speaker 1: pressure of of voting as much then two thousand and
Speaker 1: eight was Obama. I don't care what it was. I
Speaker 1: was voting for Obama. You know, it was just it
Speaker 1: was what it was, like, that's just what it was.
Speaker 1: And then more recently and the recent election just really
Speaker 1: would hit me like, dang, am I gonna go for
Speaker 1: Democrat or Republican? Am I going to go Trump? Who
Speaker 1: speaking about economics? Or am I gonna go with Hillary Clin?
Speaker 1: You know? And to be I did not know which
Speaker 1: of those two to pick from. I really didn't. You know,
Speaker 1: you think about the history of the party and you
Speaker 1: want to vote with the history of the party, But
Speaker 1: then you actually think about the candidate and you think
Speaker 1: about being called super predators, and you think about how
Speaker 1: mass and carceration grew during the Clinton era, and then
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, yeah, never forget that, you know it
Speaker 1: kind of it kind of makes you wonder in question.
Speaker 1: But then that made me realize about millennials, right, you know,
Speaker 1: how many millennials like discuss politics when that was taboo
Speaker 1: at one point, you know, I will be the first
Speaker 1: one to admit that politics talk, even just right now,
Speaker 1: kind of makes me feel a little some kind of
Speaker 1: way because it's something that I never really grew up around.
Speaker 1: For example, I say that, you know, politics for you
Speaker 1: was a major thing in your family, like your mom
Speaker 1: always instill she'll text us and remind us to go
Speaker 1: out and vote because we get in the group text,
Speaker 1: don't forget to go out and vote. To that. In
Speaker 1: my household, it wasn't really a thing. It was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: well there's a presidential election, we're registered to vote, We'll
Speaker 1: go vote. And that was really it. It was not
Speaker 1: ingrained in me at a young age the importance of
Speaker 1: politics and my void in it. Um. And it's funny
Speaker 1: because I don't feel like I mean me particularly, I
Speaker 1: don't speak to Jackson as much about politics. Um, do
Speaker 1: you have your moments when you have your talks with him?
Speaker 1: Because okay, you do. At least one of us is
Speaker 1: covering it. Because I said, my I don't know. I
Speaker 1: for sure don't talk much about politics with Jackson, But
Speaker 1: he doesn't need to know the history of where he
Speaker 1: comes from and how he got here. This last presidential
Speaker 1: election was I opening for everyone because there were so
Speaker 1: many people and Hillary Clinton was polling to just win
Speaker 1: in a landslide and she lost. And I remember Jackson
Speaker 1: came home to me and said that so many people
Speaker 1: that his school was upset. Yes, a lot of people.
Speaker 1: And I had to have this conversation at the time.
Speaker 1: And he was six at the time or five at
Speaker 1: the time, but he was asking questions. So I can't,
Speaker 1: you know, eloquently articulate to a five year old what happened.
Speaker 1: But I can, you know, I can speak to him
Speaker 1: about what happens in elections and stuff. But um, for me,
Speaker 1: I think speaking about politics to your significant other is
Speaker 1: important because you can get an idea about someone's moral compass.
Speaker 1: You know, you don't want to give an example. Um,
Speaker 1: some of my my white counterparts they're married as well,
Speaker 1: and they'll say to me that me and my wife
Speaker 1: don't discuss politics or who we're voting for, what political
Speaker 1: party exist in our household their significant other. So it's
Speaker 1: not a wife. So it's not even like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna unfriend this person on Facebook because they posted some
Speaker 1: wild comment about something that I didn't agree with. Because
Speaker 1: there will be some Facebook wars okay, because putting out
Speaker 1: these these status updates that people don't agree with, and
Speaker 1: it's like words listen, I thought, such as such, what's cool?
Speaker 1: Sarah ain't cool, y'all. I'm about to unfriend her because
Speaker 1: of what she said about this current election, you know
Speaker 1: election climate. Yes, because because politics is very triggering for
Speaker 1: some people and very polarizing. So I see people who
Speaker 1: lose friends and defund people because they discussed politics on
Speaker 1: Facebook when it comes to dating. Like one of my
Speaker 1: my buddies, he says, him and his wife, they've been
Speaker 1: married for seven years. They've never discussed any election, who
Speaker 1: they're voting for, other political party, So every period in secret.
Speaker 1: And I think that's a that's a cultural thing because
Speaker 1: you know, he's white. His friends or white, they all
Speaker 1: agree on that they don't do that. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: in in the black community, that's not like in my household,
Speaker 1: we we had no secrets in my house. You can't
Speaker 1: even close the door, my mother, you know, we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about this. And he had privacy in this
Speaker 1: house growing up. So I feel like culturally he grew
Speaker 1: up with privacy thinking this is my information, I can
Speaker 1: keep it or Ultimately, maybe politics don't matter to some people.
Speaker 1: Maybe in their moral compass that you spoke of, maybe
Speaker 1: politics is just not one of those points in there.
Speaker 1: No that gotta matter. I would like to know if
Speaker 1: my wife is donating money to a political party that
Speaker 1: you know, like like for example, I mean, well, yeah,
Speaker 1: because we are us and you just said your white
Speaker 1: counterparts don't do that. I just feel like politics has
Speaker 1: to be discussed if we talk about if we're talking
Speaker 1: about taboo things that need to be discussed during relationships
Speaker 1: or during the dating process, politics has to be one.
Speaker 1: Now when you discuss it is up for debate. But
Speaker 1: you must discussed politics before you get mad. So the
Speaker 1: question is are you going to be as forward as
Speaker 1: my mother in law was second meet up and be like,
Speaker 1: so who are you affiliated with? Are you gonna wait
Speaker 1: till we get into the thicker things when you're already mesmerized,
Speaker 1: you know, by this person, and it's just like, damn,
Speaker 1: this person is an opposing party, right and it's and
Speaker 1: so that would be a deal breaker for you. If
Speaker 1: someone just came in and just had on make American
Speaker 1: grade again, her brother, you are this is above me.
Speaker 1: So KOFE from Brown sugar, because you know that's your bay, right,
Speaker 1: that's your bay from Brown. Don't get Kofee funked up
Speaker 1: on you. It's gone. If I see Kofief ahead, I'm
Speaker 1: a shave his beard listening with you. But um, okay,
Speaker 1: so we got politics. Number two. Religion. My mom also
Speaker 1: asked you. She also asked She also, am I remember
Speaker 1: I'm not even like a church did you go to?
Speaker 1: Intermittently She's like, where you remember at? Where are you
Speaker 1: tiving at? And I was like, well, my family, uh,
Speaker 1: I was raised. But do you understand why that's important
Speaker 1: to her? No? Absolutely, I think even more than politics.
Speaker 1: I feel like religion, when you talk about that moral compass,
Speaker 1: has more of an impact, you know, on things that
Speaker 1: are greater than you. So you want to really thought,
Speaker 1: you want to talk about you know, what you believe in,
Speaker 1: you know how we all got here. Those are conversations
Speaker 1: that I'm sure come up for for people within relationships. Again,
Speaker 1: it may not happen right away, but may not happen
Speaker 1: right away, but that's something that for sure has to
Speaker 1: happen at some point because then it becomes a thing
Speaker 1: where you know, um practices are involved, traditions, are involved holidays,
Speaker 1: become involved, you know children, how we're gonna raise our
Speaker 1: potential children if you decide are they going to be
Speaker 1: you know, Muslim, Are they gonna be Chritian? Are they
Speaker 1: gonna be Jewish? You just never know that has to
Speaker 1: be talked about. You were born and raised seven day events.
Speaker 1: I was born and raised seven days. Yes, so sunset
Speaker 1: Friday to sunset Saturday is what I was raised. Um.
Speaker 1: And when I say what I was raised doing, it
Speaker 1: was by way of my grandmother, my mom's mom, you know,
Speaker 1: my uncle's the seven Day Events is Pastor Town of Florida.
Speaker 1: So you know I was. My mom wasn't really going
Speaker 1: with us, but I know that she felt as if
Speaker 1: it was important for me to have you know, religion
Speaker 1: or some sort of religious education in my life. Um.
Speaker 1: She never pushed that on me, and I think that's
Speaker 1: why she was kind of absent in that process. She
Speaker 1: had my grandmother taking me so I can be exposed
Speaker 1: to it and I can know about God and about
Speaker 1: you know, the story and the Bible. You weren't allowed
Speaker 1: to wear or makeup right going to church? Right, And
Speaker 1: I remember one I well, I went. I remember one
Speaker 1: time in particular that I felt like a heathen because
Speaker 1: I went to church just when I was a little
Speaker 1: bit older. Um, I went to church with my grandmother
Speaker 1: in Brooklyn. I won't say the name of the church,
Speaker 1: but uh, you know, I had on like a nice
Speaker 1: little like kind of like a blazer jacket with a skirt. Um.
Speaker 1: It was a little fitted, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: because I like my stuff tailored to me. Um, I
Speaker 1: was sure showing the don't church. You were showing off
Speaker 1: the don't in the church. Let's just say that I
Speaker 1: had a nicely tailored suit on which I thought I
Speaker 1: was going in fairly modest, you know, had on some
Speaker 1: flesh tone nude shoes, the flesh tone nud shoes, UM,
Speaker 1: a little bit of makeup. I had some stun airrings
Speaker 1: in my air that I forgot to take off because
Speaker 1: I went out of respect not wear airrings to church
Speaker 1: or jewelry to church. And I remember sitting in the
Speaker 1: pew next to my mom, who was dressed similarly to me,
Speaker 1: and then the pastor kind of just like darting at you.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if it's the thing where you
Speaker 1: feel like when you don't go to church for a
Speaker 1: long time that everybody's looking at you, like, oh, she
Speaker 1: showed up today. You know, you feel like everyone's looking
Speaker 1: at you. But I remember the pastor like I feel
Speaker 1: like he was just looking at us the entire time.
Speaker 1: And then his sermon, you know, he put the whole
Speaker 1: thing out there where he's like, I'm gonna go off
Speaker 1: topic because off because you know, the spirits leading me
Speaker 1: to talk about this spirit. The spirit led him to
Speaker 1: then talk about Jezebel and how she played a role
Speaker 1: in whatever society she was in. And I was just like,
Speaker 1: is this man trying to talk to me? Is he
Speaker 1: implying that because I'm wearing, you know, a nicely tailored
Speaker 1: suit and a little makeup in some areas, that Jezebel
Speaker 1: has entered the building? So I did. I grew up
Speaker 1: Baptist and similar story. You know. I know women feel
Speaker 1: judged often, but my brother and I felt judged because
Speaker 1: we got tattoos, and we often felt judged in church.
Speaker 1: I had an aarring, I used to wear braids, tattoos,
Speaker 1: so we often felt judged. So you grew up celebrating
Speaker 1: the Sabbath on this on the Saturday. We celebrate on
Speaker 1: the Sunday, and I remember your aunt saying to you
Speaker 1: while he goes the Sabbath on the wrong day. That's
Speaker 1: another thing too. Yeah, one of my aunts had the
Speaker 1: nerve to look at me be like, oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: he's such a nice guy, but he goes to church
Speaker 1: on the wrong day. Like what I mean, listen, I don't,
Speaker 1: I don't not people's religious beliefs. You know what's funny,
Speaker 1: you and I? You and I raised our children differently.
Speaker 1: We didn't choose. We talked about this when I when
Speaker 1: I asked her what she because it was big in
Speaker 1: my upbringing and it was being her. So I said,
Speaker 1: what are we going to do with with our children?
Speaker 1: Which what day are you and I are going to
Speaker 1: attend church? And um, I was a little blessed to
Speaker 1: get some reprieve if you want to call it a reprieve,
Speaker 1: because we actually played games on Saturday, so we couldn't
Speaker 1: go on a Saturday and on Sundays. To be perfectly honest,
Speaker 1: I just didn't feel a go because I felt so
Speaker 1: judged at times, and I felt like my girlfriend the
Speaker 1: time would be judged because you know, you didn't always
Speaker 1: dressed You dressed modestly, but you know, you're curvy, you
Speaker 1: know when you're cute, and I felt like you're always
Speaker 1: gonna get judged. I was like, you know what, let's
Speaker 1: just not go and we we tried. We found out
Speaker 1: with spirituality on our own. But that leads us to
Speaker 1: what we were discussing, which is when you're meeting people,
Speaker 1: discussed religious beliefs and what days you celebrate the Sabbath
Speaker 1: are extremely important because that can be a deal breaker
Speaker 1: style situation that's going to have to occur to because
Speaker 1: what if, you know, if I was so deeply rooted
Speaker 1: in the Seven day Adventist religion or denomination I should
Speaker 1: say and I could not and would not and was
Speaker 1: not willing to miss the Sabbath or not adhere to
Speaker 1: the rules of the Sabbath, we wouldn't work. We wouldn't
Speaker 1: work at all because Friday Saturdays were your games. You know,
Speaker 1: you like to go out on the weekends, which those
Speaker 1: are things that would not work for us in our relationship,
Speaker 1: which I will admit though, if you're strong in your
Speaker 1: religious beliefs and that's a deal breaker for you, agree
Speaker 1: with that because if that brings you peace and keeps
Speaker 1: you centered in your daily walk for greatness. Don't compromise.
Speaker 1: Don't compromise that, don't compromise. But that's why you have
Speaker 1: to have that conversation super early. You definitely have to
Speaker 1: have that conversation, which brings me to the third point,
Speaker 1: which is one of my favorite points. You know, I
Speaker 1: like to talk about credit. Oh is that a favorite
Speaker 1: point now? Credit? No, it is a favorite point because
Speaker 1: finances are huge for us, and people don't you know
Speaker 1: how many people don't think about getting married? And then
Speaker 1: say to myself, like, I know how many messages I
Speaker 1: get I got married, I married my wife, I married
Speaker 1: my husband, and then I just found out that, you know,
Speaker 1: he has sixty in credit card debt or his credit
Speaker 1: scores under five hundred. And I'm like, yo, y'all didn't
Speaker 1: discuss finances before you all got married. But let's be honest,
Speaker 1: I didn't talk about We didn't talk We didn't talk
Speaker 1: about it either. That was a huge riff for us
Speaker 1: in the very beginning of the first three years. Not
Speaker 1: credit per se, but I mean, shoot, that was a
Speaker 1: big reference like last week. It wasn't last week, you know,
Speaker 1: understanding credit number one sharing And that's why they have
Speaker 1: people who specialize in like credit repair and like courses
Speaker 1: on this stuff, because it's not easy, nor is it
Speaker 1: for the thing at heart, but it's something that's super
Speaker 1: super nectity necessary because then you talk about what credit
Speaker 1: gets you. Credit gets you loans, and credit gets you
Speaker 1: a car, and it gets you a home, and these
Speaker 1: are things that if it's within your plan for five
Speaker 1: years or ten years individually or with someone, it has
Speaker 1: to be hashed out. You have to be evenly yoked.
Speaker 1: Going back to religion credit wise, because we talked about
Speaker 1: moral compass right and walking together. If you're two people
Speaker 1: walking together in one walk, your credit can show you
Speaker 1: your your significant others financial moral compass. It's like, did
Speaker 1: you really think that that was important to putting your
Speaker 1: credit card? Like I don't think you had to pay
Speaker 1: that bill on tong because I feel like sometimes that
Speaker 1: he's like walking down Wall Street like do do do do?
Speaker 1: And I'm back on like Jerome and stutter in Brooklyn
Speaker 1: in the hod with my Shinces Blyn thew there love'.
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying it is what it is, and
Speaker 1: that's something that we struggle with very early on. Yes
Speaker 1: we did, we did. It was it was a growth
Speaker 1: thing and now it becomes a thing where even with finances,
Speaker 1: it requires some consulting. So it's not even like a
Speaker 1: tip for tad or I'm asking for permission to purchase
Speaker 1: something or to do something. But you really have to
Speaker 1: now know that it's not just you that's being affected,
Speaker 1: it's somebody else being affected. And then now we're trying
Speaker 1: to make plans together to progress, and you know how
Speaker 1: does that work out? So we got religion, we got politics,
Speaker 1: we got credit. We did a whole thing on a budget, Nesta,
Speaker 1: We're going to have the budget Neista back to talk
Speaker 1: about credit and financial repair for two people. Um, because
Speaker 1: you know that's that's a that's a whole podcast in itself.
Speaker 1: But this one is well is another story. Was there's
Speaker 1: another d M that we get all the time. Wanting
Speaker 1: children should be discussed early in relationship. It's wanting or
Speaker 1: not wanting. Because I feel like there's a shift now
Speaker 1: where I'm seeing a lot more millennials, people my age
Speaker 1: and even younger saying that they don't want children, and
Speaker 1: for various reasons. I met a young lady recently at
Speaker 1: a conference and she said she wanted children her entire life,
Speaker 1: but the way she sees the world right now and
Speaker 1: the way she is as a person. She feels like
Speaker 1: her heart literally can't take having a child and attempting
Speaker 1: to raise a child in an environment and in a
Speaker 1: world like this where there's so much unknown and they're
Speaker 1: so much changing, and there's so much that she doesn't
Speaker 1: agree with that's happening that she's just like, I changed
Speaker 1: my mind. So imagine if she was in a relationship
Speaker 1: with somebody that you know, Okay, we're gonna have children,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden she's just like, you
Speaker 1: know what, on second thought, I'm not with this whole
Speaker 1: kid thing. You know. You know it's funny. Um, we
Speaker 1: as black people often go into relationships assuming things about
Speaker 1: other black people just because they're black. For example, you
Speaker 1: meet a black person, you automatically assume they go to church.
Speaker 1: God forbid of black person, say the atheist or they
Speaker 1: your spiritual and they don't go to church. It's like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, you're not really black. They assume that
Speaker 1: you're democrat, you know what I'm saying, a lot of
Speaker 1: times they assume that your credit is sucked up. It's
Speaker 1: just how it is, like, that's that's how, That's how
Speaker 1: we are as people, we assume that everyone we meet
Speaker 1: want to have kids. If you go into a relationship, oh,
Speaker 1: if we're dating with purpose, we're dating. And that becomes
Speaker 1: a very sensitive topic for some people too, because with us,
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, y'all date, and when you'll getting engaged, Oh,
Speaker 1: you're engaged, when you getting married? Oh you're married when
Speaker 1: you're having kids. What if they don't want to have
Speaker 1: kids right away? What if someone's trying to have kids
Speaker 1: and they're having problems conceiving. You never know someone's story
Speaker 1: and what they're going through behind the scenes, and you
Speaker 1: have to be very particular and very sensitive about things
Speaker 1: like that. But as long as you and the person
Speaker 1: are on the same accord or you're speaking about it openly,
Speaker 1: I think in the very beginning, we know because children
Speaker 1: are life changing, they're here forever. But my thing is
Speaker 1: when when is it's not convenient? But when is it
Speaker 1: an okay time to say to a woman you're dating, hey,
Speaker 1: are you interested in having children? Because I feel like
Speaker 1: some women would take offense to that. It's just just
Speaker 1: because I'm a woman doesn't mean I want to have children.
Speaker 1: You know, you know, they don't ask the men that
Speaker 1: they always ask women, when are you settling down to
Speaker 1: have kids? When is it okay to say that to
Speaker 1: a woman when you're dating, and just you know be like, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, well, I guess it first would have to
Speaker 1: be if you're taking each other seriously, right, I would
Speaker 1: assume it's a conversation that would happen a couple maybe
Speaker 1: a couple of dates, and when you're feeling each other
Speaker 1: and stuff, or if you feel like this is something
Speaker 1: that could potentially go somewhere. But I also think too,
Speaker 1: as a woman, you kind of have to expect that
Speaker 1: and not take everything so sensitively. I feel like we're
Speaker 1: in a time where a lot of people take things
Speaker 1: like supersensitive off the bat, and it can just be
Speaker 1: a genuine question that someone is asking, or a man
Speaker 1: will be asking, like, you know, hey, do you see
Speaker 1: yourself having children one day? You know, it's all about
Speaker 1: the way it's posed, and I think the timing that
Speaker 1: it comes up or the environment that it comes up in.
Speaker 1: You know that it's not just maybe an interrogation, but
Speaker 1: you know it's something worth speaking about. And I think
Speaker 1: women should be open to, you know, saying how they
Speaker 1: really feel at that point. So what it would it
Speaker 1: be okay for if a dude, say, for example, hypothetical
Speaker 1: you're dating and you say you don't want to have kids.
Speaker 1: If a dude continues to date you knowing that since
Speaker 1: you don't want to have kids, you don't see something
Speaker 1: long term and date someone else. You mean, so if
Speaker 1: he dates someone else because he's like, you know what,
Speaker 1: she doesn't want children. So I'm just gonna go, yeah,
Speaker 1: like what if what if he just would respect that?
Speaker 1: Because then what's the sense in holding onto somebody if
Speaker 1: you feel like I think, what's worse what happen is
Speaker 1: if he knows he really wants children and he feels
Speaker 1: like maybe I could win her over, or maybe her
Speaker 1: thoughts will change, or maybe maybe something you would take
Speaker 1: more kind of romance her into having it. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: would take more offense to that than being upfront of
Speaker 1: him saying you know what, I don't think that you know,
Speaker 1: we're going to align on certain things for our lives
Speaker 1: path this is something I'm expecting or something I want
Speaker 1: out of life, and so that I'm not robbed of that,
Speaker 1: I feel like we should go our separate ways. I
Speaker 1: think that's a mature way to handle it. Wow, that's
Speaker 1: just that's uh, because deeper into this thing, you know,
Speaker 1: and then it may be a thing where then you know,
Speaker 1: in the process of them really feeling each other, that
Speaker 1: is the deal breaker. And then she ultimately feels like,
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe I should just give him a
Speaker 1: baby because she feels guilty. You know, you don't want
Speaker 1: have a guilt baby. Don't have a guilt baby. But
Speaker 1: if you start having this resentment and then you're just
Speaker 1: like this damn baby. Every time this baby comes around,
Speaker 1: it's like a thing, and it's like you're gonna have resentment.
Speaker 1: But that's that's just tough. Though. You meet a woman
Speaker 1: that you're vibe with and and everything is in alignment
Speaker 1: and everything that we talked about politics, finances, religion and everything,
Speaker 1: and then it comes down to children and she just
Speaker 1: says no, and then you just cut it, like I
Speaker 1: feel like that would be harsh maybe, you know. And
Speaker 1: that's why I wouldn't say you try to romance into
Speaker 1: wanting to have a child. But it's like everything is
Speaker 1: going so well, you want to have that. Where is
Speaker 1: the compromise if you want to have you don't want
Speaker 1: to have children, and he wants to have children. Where
Speaker 1: is the compromising that I mean, I feel like there's
Speaker 1: something you don't have to compromise on if you're not
Speaker 1: with the person you know, like you're not married, or
Speaker 1: there's like an attachment to that person per se. If
Speaker 1: it's just an emotional attachment, then I say something that
Speaker 1: should be broken off earlier on. You don't you don't
Speaker 1: meet people, you don't meet soul mates too often, you
Speaker 1: don't mean. I mean, if you was trying to romance
Speaker 1: meant having a baby, and I was like, no, I
Speaker 1: don't really want kids, but that that wants one, maybe
Speaker 1: we can compromise on one and not four. I've been
Speaker 1: romancing you to have another baby since last year. Facts, facts,
Speaker 1: but the compromises you've got three, not four. But I
Speaker 1: don't have no girls anyway. That brings me to our
Speaker 1: fifth topic, taboo mental health, because that's crazy. That was
Speaker 1: the perfect segue. Mental health matters. I like that, Like that, Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: so mental health matters talking about you know, things that
Speaker 1: can be genetic that run in the family, how you've
Speaker 1: been feeling lately. Where do you think mental health runs
Speaker 1: in this whole area of taboo talks? It's it's sad
Speaker 1: because we put mental health as fivestically it should have
Speaker 1: been number one exactly talk about your head. But I
Speaker 1: think we're getting Let me say something to you too.
Speaker 1: You you mentioned my head today, alright. You started your
Speaker 1: story off said that you was wet behind the ears,
Speaker 1: and then you said, I want to see if you
Speaker 1: grew into your head. I'm just saying you like you.
Speaker 1: I don't know where you're going with that story early.
Speaker 1: It took it took a couple of sentences. But anyway,
Speaker 1: mental health, I told as we discover it more as
Speaker 1: a people, how important mental health is. When you meet people,
Speaker 1: it's important to know what things lie in their past
Speaker 1: family members, moms, dad's um, depression, schizophrenia. There are so
Speaker 1: many things that are actually mental health issues. That's not
Speaker 1: just oh he crazy, she crazy. If you knew that
Speaker 1: this person was dealing with a serious issue or chemical
Speaker 1: that has been diagnosed and that they may be taking
Speaker 1: medication for, there's a family history of very important, your
Speaker 1: grandma very important. You know, just knowing that something that
Speaker 1: potentially runs in your family, you know it's UM. It's
Speaker 1: something that's super very serious, and I would I would
Speaker 1: put this at at number one like I would. Man, Man,
Speaker 1: you're trying to meet somebody. Mental health is so important.
Speaker 1: You don't want to fall in love with somebody. Meet somebody,
Speaker 1: you get everything and going, and then you find out
Speaker 1: that they have mental health issues. Because some people don't
Speaker 1: realize they have mental health issues. They walk around as
Speaker 1: a functioning adult and they don't realize it that that
Speaker 1: something is seriously wrong. You know. Um, Depression is big
Speaker 1: in this country, and people can't figure out if it's
Speaker 1: social media, if it's medication, and there's so many different factors.
Speaker 1: I feel like that can contribute to mental health mental
Speaker 1: health issues. And like you said, sometimes people won't walk
Speaker 1: aroun fully functioning not knowing that you know, or we
Speaker 1: tend to diagnose people like oh, you know such as such,
Speaker 1: he's bipolar because one minute he feels and you throw
Speaker 1: it out easily, not knowing that it's something that's that's
Speaker 1: the actual legitimate um, you know, illness that needs to
Speaker 1: have attention um. And I think sometimes those are things
Speaker 1: that are triggered for different reasons throughout life. UM. Like
Speaker 1: I said, some things are genetic. So just even knowing
Speaker 1: family history, family health, so outside of mental health, just
Speaker 1: histories of different things that run in families, you know.
Speaker 1: I mean that was the point of us we found
Speaker 1: out about the sickle cell trade, yes, you know, because
Speaker 1: I had no you had the trade, I had the
Speaker 1: sickle sell I don't have the trade. And what we
Speaker 1: found out is if you have the trade and I
Speaker 1: have the trade, then now our kids have a high chance. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they have a fifty percent chance of having the sickle
Speaker 1: cell trade. And that's something that I didn't know because
Speaker 1: my mom neglected to tell me that. So in dating,
Speaker 1: you know, it wasn't something that I sat down and
Speaker 1: asked someone like, hey, there we go back to the
Speaker 1: zodiac and a favorite color, what's your credit score? And
Speaker 1: do you have the sickle cell trade? You know, And
Speaker 1: it wasn't. It wasn't up there exactly. And and me
Speaker 1: being kind of upfront, forward person, it's something that I
Speaker 1: probably feel like I would bring up earlier, like if
Speaker 1: I was dating now with the intent to have children
Speaker 1: one day, I think it's something worth discussing and even
Speaker 1: said to like my siblings, you know, make sure you
Speaker 1: ask your doctor next time if you have to, because
Speaker 1: they may not have the trait. You know, my mom
Speaker 1: passed it to me and then I passed the to
Speaker 1: two of our sons. So you know, my brother and
Speaker 1: sister may or may not have the trade. But now
Speaker 1: that they're of age where they're dating and they're dating seriously,
Speaker 1: it's important to know um. And those are things that
Speaker 1: you know when you can control it and you know
Speaker 1: ahead of time, all the better. Some things are mental
Speaker 1: health issues that are triggered by various things throughout life. Well,
Speaker 1: it's funny. It's funny you said trigger, because that's why
Speaker 1: it's important to talk about it through relationships. Many mental
Speaker 1: health issues are triggered through relationships. Something happens at work.
Speaker 1: You see a lot of the violence and things that
Speaker 1: go on, you know in America, it happens in the workplace,
Speaker 1: or happens in school. A lot of these people are
Speaker 1: diagnosed with mental health health issues that were triggered by
Speaker 1: something that was happened daily. So now you're meeting someone
Speaker 1: and you're dating, and you're spending a lot of time
Speaker 1: with this person, it's important to know if they have
Speaker 1: these issues, and if there's anything you're doing that could
Speaker 1: trigger their issues. Looking for signs, but also knowing their past,
Speaker 1: because if you know that someone has a mental health
Speaker 1: issue that is triggered by a behavior, and you love
Speaker 1: this person, you don't necessarily have to run from them
Speaker 1: at this point. Now you can understand what behavior is
Speaker 1: trigger that person and help navigate that person and yourself
Speaker 1: so that person can be a functioning adult. You know,
Speaker 1: it's not something you just run from. When you hear
Speaker 1: mental health issue, you make a decision if this is
Speaker 1: someone I want to spend my life with and walk
Speaker 1: with them that we can navigate this together together for sure.
Speaker 1: And and it's very important with triggers because even the violence,
Speaker 1: you're here in relationships where a young man or a
Speaker 1: young woman takes their own life and the life of
Speaker 1: a child, and the life of their significant other and
Speaker 1: a child. I was just showing you on the news, Um,
Speaker 1: there's a young girl, a five year old, her father
Speaker 1: walking her to school like normal, was on the platform
Speaker 1: them out and I think the bronx in the bronx
Speaker 1: and then he jumped in front of the train and
Speaker 1: thank god that baby survived. That you walked away with
Speaker 1: with minor scratching scratch, but he passed away. He did,
Speaker 1: he did. He lost his life and he was dealing
Speaker 1: apparently with depression. Was on and off medication for a
Speaker 1: long time, his wife said, and you never know, you know,
Speaker 1: you hear he listened to this saying, remember this, the
Speaker 1: saying tears of a clown, And what tears of a
Speaker 1: clown talks about is you know how some of the
Speaker 1: most funniest people in your life, some of the happiest
Speaker 1: people in your life, they're always wearing a mask, mask off,
Speaker 1: mask on, mask off, mask on. They're wearing a mask
Speaker 1: underneath that mask of smiles and happiness a lot of
Speaker 1: times or tears that they're hiding from the rest of
Speaker 1: the world, and they're only willing to share with people
Speaker 1: that they trust. So if you're dating someone and you
Speaker 1: become that person's trust, it's important for you to know
Speaker 1: when that person is taking the mask off and who
Speaker 1: they are when they're not in front of their friends
Speaker 1: always joking, because that as you always here, I never
Speaker 1: knew this person was always laughing and joking. And Rob Williams,
Speaker 1: for example, one of the most funniest men ever in
Speaker 1: the history of comedy and films, took his own life
Speaker 1: and also providing that safe space for them to feel comfortable.
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely, you know, sometimes you laugh, we laugh or
Speaker 1: joke about mental health and people just being crazy, but
Speaker 1: that can then deter people from feeling like they can
Speaker 1: confide in you, or having a safe space for people
Speaker 1: to speak and open up about things that are bothering them.
Speaker 1: You know so well, you will give me a safe space. Baby,
Speaker 1: I feel safe. I feel I do. But I have
Speaker 1: to come home and I just be, you know, being
Speaker 1: in a space where I just need my baby sometimes
Speaker 1: and I need you to let me cry on your
Speaker 1: shoulder and let me let it out and it's okay.
Speaker 1: Like I feel comfortable, you know, as a man, as
Speaker 1: a very masculine, alpha male, saying, sometimes I go home
Speaker 1: and when i'm when I'm off and my mask is off,
Speaker 1: I can cry on my cake, you know, I can cry,
Speaker 1: and said, baby, I just want to do this. I
Speaker 1: remember I used to cry to you all the time.
Speaker 1: This is God's on the shoes. I used to be
Speaker 1: in the house and she's like, what's the matter with you?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I just want to act. Man, I
Speaker 1: just wanted the TV. I didn't want to play football,
Speaker 1: I didn't want to train people. I just want to
Speaker 1: act do TV. And I would and he would be
Speaker 1: upset because theo was a person that if he wants
Speaker 1: it like right now, he's gonna try to get it
Speaker 1: right now, like he doesn't want to do the whole
Speaker 1: like we'll get it someday. Thing. He's like, how can
Speaker 1: I make this happen now? And I had to explain
Speaker 1: to him like, hey, this is great. You're doing everything
Speaker 1: in your power, but you have to wait until the
Speaker 1: time is right you. It's not gonna happen overnight like
Speaker 1: that for you. And you kept at it though, because
Speaker 1: those in those week moments you gave me the power
Speaker 1: two I could release that what I'm saying, I could
Speaker 1: release that, and then I could I could refuel, go
Speaker 1: back out and stay at it for what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And I think that we've both developed, um, you know
Speaker 1: us again talking about the taboo topics. We've developed a
Speaker 1: safe space for us to openly speak about all of
Speaker 1: these things that were once taboo that are no longer taboo.
Speaker 1: And I feel like this is starting to kind of
Speaker 1: trickle off onto our families now where you know our parents,
Speaker 1: and know my parents particularly who are not very vocal,
Speaker 1: which I've said before about random things and speaking and
Speaker 1: communication and saying how they feel. We are now, I
Speaker 1: feel like allowing for dialogue to transpire in our household
Speaker 1: and then paving the way for our siblings, you know,
Speaker 1: to then feel comfortable bringing other people around and openly
Speaker 1: speaking about how we feel. So that eliminates so much
Speaker 1: of the unknown and the guessing and the wondering and
Speaker 1: at tiptoeing, and ain't nobody had time for that? No
Speaker 1: more like this stuff to get done. If we can
Speaker 1: be as direct as possible without hurting anyone's feelings, being respectful,
Speaker 1: and creating again the safe space for people to feel
Speaker 1: like they can speak about these things, why the hell not?
Speaker 1: And absolutely and most importantly creating a safe space for
Speaker 1: our children, absolutely, because yeah, and we want them to
Speaker 1: be able to see that. You know. I feel like
Speaker 1: back in the day when I used to my mom
Speaker 1: and her sisters and my grandmother and grandfather, they used
Speaker 1: to have these little hawcuses in the basement and everything
Speaker 1: was very secretive, and you know, we didn't know what
Speaker 1: they were talking about, and I would try to go
Speaker 1: to the stairways to like listen to what they're saying,
Speaker 1: just being nosy. But now I feel like Jackson and
Speaker 1: Kyron Kaz can see us openly sitting down having dialogue
Speaker 1: with each other. They can see us not arguing or bickering,
Speaker 1: but disagreeing but respectfully, you know. And they, as three
Speaker 1: young black men, will ultimately have that dialogue with the
Speaker 1: women they date and they build families with which leads
Speaker 1: us back to the five things that Codeine and I
Speaker 1: feel that you should speak to people about when you date.
Speaker 1: We're gonna go all these five, write these down. We
Speaker 1: got religion, politics, credit, wanting children, and mental health. And
Speaker 1: if you don't have a pit bull, if you don't
Speaker 1: have a pit bull like my mom and her mom,
Speaker 1: you know, because women are the gatekeepers in our families.
Speaker 1: The women, the moms are the gay people's. If you
Speaker 1: don't have a pit bull, you can be the pit
Speaker 1: bull yourself and have these conversations with the people you're dating.
Speaker 1: You know what. I laugh about the mom's being the
Speaker 1: pit bulls because sometimes it's the dad's the kind of
Speaker 1: infuse what they're thinking, and then the mom's come across
Speaker 1: with the pit bulls. Because my father sure be having questions,
Speaker 1: but he don't want to ask directly, so he'll say
Speaker 1: to my mom, I wonder what x y Z is happening,
Speaker 1: and then my mom will be the pit bull. It's
Speaker 1: all right, I got you back. Your father is not
Speaker 1: the peple. Your father is not a pit bull. He's
Speaker 1: not even a though. He's not a chill woman. Your father,
Speaker 1: your father, your father just be chilling. He's like probably
Speaker 1: the most chill person out of the entire family. We're
Speaker 1: gonna take a quick break. We're gonna get into some
Speaker 1: listening letters when we give absolutely and some ads. First,
Speaker 1: definitely got to pay some bills. Got to pay some
Speaker 1: bills and get to these ads, and then listen to
Speaker 1: letters when we get back. Stay tuned. This for the record.
Speaker 1: There it is. Tiger Woods is one of our most
Speaker 1: inspiring sports icons and his story it comes to many chapters.
Speaker 1: I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior,
Speaker 1: but here it is the return to glory. This is
Speaker 1: All American, a new series from Stitcher, hosted by me
Speaker 1: Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Wis doesn't know who he
Speaker 1: is best in the history of golf, no question in
Speaker 1: my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist
Speaker 1: Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger
Speaker 1: Woods that the media has been telling, What if it's
Speaker 1: been completely wrong. All American Tiger is out now. Listen
Speaker 1: in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. All
Speaker 1: right now, So our mailboxes have been flooded and we've
Speaker 1: been trying to get through all these listener letters. So
Speaker 1: let's dive right into the first one for today's episode.
Speaker 1: I met an amazing guy who loves me so much.
Speaker 1: He's been hurt in the past, and honestly, so have I,
Speaker 1: but he has some sort of PTSD from it. He's
Speaker 1: accused me of looking at his debit card pin when
Speaker 1: I just was staring into space. He accused me of
Speaker 1: cheating multiple times by asking why he's seen sheets in
Speaker 1: my dryer A few times he's asked me. He's accused
Speaker 1: me of taking and hiding his things when he cannot
Speaker 1: find them when we talk about it. He thinks I'm
Speaker 1: inconsiderate of his feelings, and I think he's wrong for
Speaker 1: accusing me of things when he swears up and down
Speaker 1: that he trusts me. It's very confusing and it leads
Speaker 1: to plenty of arguments. Please help. I don't think I sorry.
Speaker 1: I don't think I should listen to his accusations because
Speaker 1: I've been supporting him and more than faithful and loving
Speaker 1: to him. I know these are his issues and I'm
Speaker 1: getting hit with the process. He wants forever, but I
Speaker 1: can't deal with this forever. I need a relationship with trust.
Speaker 1: I've never given him a reason to not trust. What
Speaker 1: to do? What should I say? Damn, I'm sorry to
Speaker 1: hear that. So the PTSD that he's experiencing, I'm wondering
Speaker 1: isn't just from I guess past relationships I'm assuming, or
Speaker 1: maybe he's grown up around it could have been something
Speaker 1: that he witnessed, you know, with his family, you know,
Speaker 1: mother father relationship. I'm not sure what his relationship is. UM.
Speaker 1: I wonder if you guys seek any kind of counseling
Speaker 1: or therapy, because sometimes, you know, Devaline have never actually
Speaker 1: gone to a therapist per se, because we've been super
Speaker 1: open about talking and I feel like we've been able
Speaker 1: to navigate some of our problems. UM. But that's because
Speaker 1: we never really have guards up and we don't take
Speaker 1: things too personally, nor do we get defensive at times.
Speaker 1: But but I do think that we both had a
Speaker 1: stigma about therapy early on, and had we gone to therapy,
Speaker 1: we would have gotten through our problems with faster faster
Speaker 1: for sure. And the reason I asked that is because
Speaker 1: or say that rather, it is because as you know,
Speaker 1: him constantly feeling like you're you're not considering his feelings
Speaker 1: or maybe getting defensive about it whenever you bring up
Speaker 1: the topic of conversation, maybe it requires an outside source
Speaker 1: to help kind of circumvent that and navigate the issues.
Speaker 1: You know, um, it may require more than just the
Speaker 1: two of you speaking about it, because he may not
Speaker 1: even think that he has an issue, you know. I
Speaker 1: mean most of the time when when people, whether they
Speaker 1: have PTSD or not from past relationships or things in
Speaker 1: the past, when how you discuss your issues often shows
Speaker 1: you if you're going to get over it. He could
Speaker 1: be right and you could be right, but if y'all
Speaker 1: discuss it in the wrong fashion, you're never going to
Speaker 1: get to the root of the problem. So that's why
Speaker 1: I think that therapy or a mediator can help, because
Speaker 1: if he gets, if she gets, if he feels that
Speaker 1: she's defensive when she's trying to explain to him her truth,
Speaker 1: she's never going to be able to get her truth across,
Speaker 1: which means he's just going to continue to build his
Speaker 1: own narrative, in his own truth about what's going on,
Speaker 1: and things are going to get worse. He's going to
Speaker 1: have to hear from someone independent of you about what
Speaker 1: he's really going through. He's going to have to unpack
Speaker 1: that on his own before he comes to you with
Speaker 1: another issue. The only way he could do that is
Speaker 1: through therapy or through a mediator. For sure. The therapist.
Speaker 1: I saw a therapist and I did not know the
Speaker 1: valencing a therapist, And at first I felt some kind
Speaker 1: of way about it because I was like, how do
Speaker 1: you mean you were like? First of all, I was like,
Speaker 1: where did you tell me you were at when you
Speaker 1: were at a therapist? That was the first thing. Then
Speaker 1: secondly I was just like, well, why couldn't you talk
Speaker 1: to me about it? Why did you have to see
Speaker 1: a therapist? Because one, I didn't want you to feel
Speaker 1: as if you were the reason that I needed to
Speaker 1: go see a therapist, which I understood. I felt like
Speaker 1: if I told you that you would take that on
Speaker 1: knowing you would take the one like, oh my god.
Speaker 1: I needed to find out what was going on within me.
Speaker 1: So in order to do that, I had to do
Speaker 1: something for me. It had nothing to do it wasn't
Speaker 1: about me, it wasn't about you, which I had a
Speaker 1: hard time dealing with that first because I felt like
Speaker 1: you should have been able to at least tell me
Speaker 1: you were going to see a therapist, which is actuly
Speaker 1: why I didn't want to say anything. And I think
Speaker 1: it's okay for people to sometimes in life, because this
Speaker 1: is my life, even though we're sharing it together, make
Speaker 1: decisions about my life that's gonna better me so I
Speaker 1: can be a better version of myself for you, absolutely,
Speaker 1: you know. And because we also talked about not relying
Speaker 1: on somebody else to be the sole source of your happiness,
Speaker 1: eis exactly. And if that's the case, he needed to
Speaker 1: look for some way, you know, some other outside source
Speaker 1: to help him realize why he wasn't happy with himself
Speaker 1: and that had nothing to do with me. And that's
Speaker 1: something that I had to realize and stop being so
Speaker 1: selfish and you know, making it about me when it
Speaker 1: really wasn't about me. So maybe encourage him if he's
Speaker 1: open to it. Um, you know, see if you know,
Speaker 1: you guys can speak with someone about this topic and stuff,
Speaker 1: because I'm sure that's super uncomfortable living like that, like
Speaker 1: even the debit cardpin. It's like, seriously, see all of
Speaker 1: all of this stuff, all all the stuff that she's
Speaker 1: saying that he's accusing her of that don't matter. What
Speaker 1: really matters that he has some issues he needs to unpack.
Speaker 1: And the way they're discussing is discussing this is not
Speaker 1: a way that they can seek resolution. That's what was
Speaker 1: going on with us before. I why my therapist every
Speaker 1: time we spoke, I used to say, to continue, you
Speaker 1: get so defensive, You get so defensive, to the point
Speaker 1: where I stopped talking to her because I didn't want
Speaker 1: to hear her defend why she did something that hurt me.
Speaker 1: And to me, I wasn't being defensive. I was just
Speaker 1: explaining to you why I felt the way I felt,
Speaker 1: or why I did a particular act. I feel like
Speaker 1: if I do something, or if I say something, I
Speaker 1: should be able to explain to you how I arrived there.
Speaker 1: And if I wasn't trying to hear that, he just
Speaker 1: wasn't labeled me defensive, and that bothered me, and it
Speaker 1: still kind of bothers me now when I hear it,
Speaker 1: because it makes me a little excited. But I'm just like,
Speaker 1: you know, I want you. I want to explain the
Speaker 1: full picture here, not just you know, the ending of
Speaker 1: the story. How did I arrive at this story ending?
Speaker 1: What I learned through therapy was that the way I
Speaker 1: feel and how I feel, it's all on me. Her
Speaker 1: telling me why she did what she did is not
Speaker 1: defending herself. It's just her giving her truth. How I
Speaker 1: received her truth is not up to her, that's up
Speaker 1: to me. I learned that in therapy I had to
Speaker 1: work on how I received her truth. If I'm only
Speaker 1: willing to receive her truth as defense, I'm never gonna
Speaker 1: hear what her truth is. And that's what these guys
Speaker 1: are going through. You guys, I think you should see therapy,
Speaker 1: whether it's him by himself or as you together. I
Speaker 1: think that he definitely needs to speak to a professional
Speaker 1: about what he's going through. This way they can learn
Speaker 1: how to discuss Because Kenia, right now, I don't go
Speaker 1: to therapists anymore, but now I know how to deal
Speaker 1: with what she's telling me, and she knows how to
Speaker 1: take what It doesn't have to be a long term thing,
Speaker 1: but it can be just a couple of sessions in
Speaker 1: just to kind of unpack certain things and our culture
Speaker 1: is not is not very kind to or open to
Speaker 1: the idea of therapy. They think it's you know, sharing
Speaker 1: your problems and talking and showing a sign of weakness.
Speaker 1: I wasn't totally be the opposite. I thought it was
Speaker 1: a waste of money. I thought it. I thought it
Speaker 1: was I thought it was just you know a thing
Speaker 1: that quote unquote white people do. White people go in therapy.
Speaker 1: I don't need therapy. I'm strong, like I'm a man.
Speaker 1: You know, just what I do, I'll deal with it.
Speaker 1: But when I got to the point where I couldn't
Speaker 1: deal with it, and the worst was when I did
Speaker 1: not want to come home and I had to choose
Speaker 1: between not seeing my kids and being out or being
Speaker 1: home seeing my kids and dealing with the issues we had.
Speaker 1: At that point, it was like, you know what, I
Speaker 1: gotta I gotta try something new because if it if
Speaker 1: it means that I'm missing time with my boys because
Speaker 1: I'm out just trying to, you know, get away from
Speaker 1: what we're dealing with, that's not good for them. So
Speaker 1: for sure, aren't good luck to y'all. Question number two,
Speaker 1: what do you do if there is no intimacy? I
Speaker 1: try to send nice little text messages, do little nice things,
Speaker 1: but it seems like he is clueless. I know he
Speaker 1: loves me, but he doesn't show love. He is not
Speaker 1: romantic at all. I tried talking to him, but I
Speaker 1: sound like a broken record. If we sleep with each other,
Speaker 1: I always have to start it. I'm very upset. I
Speaker 1: want to feel like I wanted. I also ask him
Speaker 1: is it me, and he claims that it's not me,
Speaker 1: He's just tired. I see he gives other females compliments
Speaker 1: and say nice things to others, but not me. What
Speaker 1: should I do? This is coming from a woman so
Speaker 1: pretty much she feels as if she's not getting the
Speaker 1: attention and the intimacy from her husband. Wow. I wonder
Speaker 1: what her guts telling her, because you know, we always
Speaker 1: talked about female gut in her intuition, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: what is her her gut telling her? She's telling her
Speaker 1: that maybe he's you know, eyes are roaming, or his
Speaker 1: legs are walking elsewhere or not, you know. And it's
Speaker 1: it's a hard thing to not be desired. I think
Speaker 1: it's not just a man, it's not just a woman thing.
Speaker 1: It can be a person thing that the want or
Speaker 1: the desire to feel like you're wanted and you're attracted
Speaker 1: to or someone is attracted to you. Um so that's rough.
Speaker 1: That's rough. Um well, I don't know, as a man,
Speaker 1: what do you think about because as a woman, I
Speaker 1: I don't know what that's like to not feel not
Speaker 1: because you stay on my ass. But I do hear
Speaker 1: that sometimes from I have no I know actually somebody
Speaker 1: who comes to mind who feels that way as well. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean he could be feeling a certain way.
Speaker 1: For example, there were a point, there was a point
Speaker 1: in our relationship even recently, this this past summer, where
Speaker 1: I felt like you weren't paying attention to my needs.
Speaker 1: So in turn, I was leaving it up to you
Speaker 1: to initiate everything. Remember, I was just like, you know
Speaker 1: what you initiated. If you want to do things your way,
Speaker 1: I'm to just wait for you to initiate it. And
Speaker 1: it was petty. I know it was petty, but I
Speaker 1: was doing it to get my point across. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I was doing because that's what married
Speaker 1: people do. Yes, we're mad, petty, pet and we're trying
Speaker 1: to figure it out, and it's just like, well, we're
Speaker 1: gonna see how long this is gonna last? How long
Speaker 1: are those drawers gonna stay on the floor in the
Speaker 1: side of the bed and before del picks them up?
Speaker 1: Little things? I see how you deflect and push this
Speaker 1: to my drawers on the side of the bed when
Speaker 1: we were initially talking about getting the draws. Sorry, I
Speaker 1: had to get that out. You're feeling something that I
Speaker 1: picked my draws up this morning. You probably didn't know.
Speaker 1: They probably still probably still didn't, but probably she needed
Speaker 1: to stay out my drawers and stay on my room,
Speaker 1: my room man. But back to helping home girl out. Yes,
Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like it's it's tough because
Speaker 1: if if he's the type of man who doesn't speak
Speaker 1: on things, which it sounds like it sounds like he
Speaker 1: doesn't doesn't speak on things, and he said he's tired
Speaker 1: this and this and that, I think she should try
Speaker 1: some different things first to get his attention. If she's
Speaker 1: exhausted all those things, I think they should see therapy
Speaker 1: talk about they have sex therapists to talk about intimacy.
Speaker 1: Are they married? Did she say if they were married?
Speaker 1: Or they are married? Okay, they are married? So and
Speaker 1: then you know it's hard being a married couple, they
Speaker 1: have children. Sometimes there's the monotony that happens in life
Speaker 1: just going from day to day because there's a routine
Speaker 1: and there's you know, maybe switching up the routine a bit,
Speaker 1: and I would want to ask her, you know, says,
Speaker 1: what are you doing to make sure that he is
Speaker 1: paying attention? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you?
Speaker 1: I think I think that's super important. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't think. I don't think it's a shallow thing,
Speaker 1: but I do think that looks are important. Being attracted
Speaker 1: to your significant other throughout the marriage or the course
Speaker 1: of your relationship is important. Taking care of yourself is important.
Speaker 1: It's funny my mom had said to me after I
Speaker 1: had Jackson. She was like, okay, you know, just make
Speaker 1: sure you keep yourself together because you're your mom, but
Speaker 1: you're also you know, a wife too, you know which
Speaker 1: is you know, And she made it clear to me, like,
Speaker 1: you know, make sure you keep yourself together. And that
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that I had to be the size to
Speaker 1: to development you know, years prior, but like you had
Speaker 1: a six to eight, Like when you be think like that,
Speaker 1: thank you because I'll never be a class too again.
Speaker 1: But it's just you know, it's just like you don't
Speaker 1: expect that, but you do expect as you evolve and
Speaker 1: as you grow to just take care of yourself. Sometimes
Speaker 1: little things like that can go a long way. I
Speaker 1: don't know if there's an attraction thing that's missing, because
Speaker 1: she said he does complement other women about things, you know,
Speaker 1: so maybe there's something missing there on her and maybe
Speaker 1: she needs to be doing something on her part to
Speaker 1: help kind of job that in him. You know, I
Speaker 1: do believe there's a responsibility in a relationship. You know.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I get flat for saying like, oh, the women
Speaker 1: should be taking accountability for their roll in it, But
Speaker 1: I believe that it's very important to do that. You
Speaker 1: can't be with a man and expect for him to
Speaker 1: just still be that into you if you're not taking
Speaker 1: care of yourself and holding up your end of the bargain,
Speaker 1: and it goes the other way it does? You know?
Speaker 1: That would be in the gym trying to keep it
Speaker 1: together for me at about my back fat all the time.
Speaker 1: When I walk out the shower, do you be like oh,
Speaker 1: or do you be like exactly, I'm just like the
Speaker 1: gym again. And I was like, oh, I'm in the
Speaker 1: Oreole Island. Know he love oreos, but that might add
Speaker 1: to his back fat. So I don't know if I
Speaker 1: should get the Oreos today. Ores, But I think I
Speaker 1: think intimacy is always a tough topic for married couples
Speaker 1: get together along that appearance is definitely one thing, but um,
Speaker 1: there are also other things that have nothing to do
Speaker 1: with appearance, Like right now, I feel like you're a
Speaker 1: tent as a tent can be. I feel like you're perfect.
Speaker 1: But we have our intimacy issues where it's just how
Speaker 1: it's initiated. You send text messages and you try to
Speaker 1: get me in the mood and then you just want
Speaker 1: to get in the bed at night after watching TV
Speaker 1: and just roll over and have sex. Men aren't into that,
Speaker 1: and this is what women need to understand. You may
Speaker 1: not want to hear it because you may think that
Speaker 1: that's you know, I don't want to hear this. Misogynistic
Speaker 1: men like the Chase. Men want excitement. Men want to
Speaker 1: feel like they did when they were in their prime
Speaker 1: and they were trying to get all these different women.
Speaker 1: They kind of want to have that same, that same
Speaker 1: adventure with the women they spend the rest of their
Speaker 1: life with so it's not like, Okay, it's seven o'clock,
Speaker 1: it's Thursday sex time. Oh seven o'clock Thursday, next week
Speaker 1: sex time. That gets boring. And when that starts to happen,
Speaker 1: it's not like I'm not in a mood Like I'm
Speaker 1: not in a mood for that. I really don't. I'll pass,
Speaker 1: I'll pass. I remember um I talked about resetting the
Speaker 1: freak level. The first couple of times I passed on
Speaker 1: sex for Cadine and he was like, that was like what.
Speaker 1: My head did a whole like three sixty on my
Speaker 1: body and I was like, you passed? What that was
Speaker 1: me being petty because I was paying. He just knocked
Speaker 1: on me. He just knocked on me, y'all. He knocked
Speaker 1: on me. And I was like, this cannot be happening
Speaker 1: right now. I didn't and I didn't want to knock
Speaker 1: on you. It was a lot. It was a lot, like, oh, guys,
Speaker 1: it was a lot to me. But he was knocking
Speaker 1: at my door. I was, but I had to prove
Speaker 1: my point. That's that's part of petty marriage. Marriage. This
Speaker 1: was being petty, but just so many different things that
Speaker 1: could be a part of it. One like case ses,
Speaker 1: make sure that you are in you know, keeping up
Speaker 1: with yourself and making sure you're the best version of
Speaker 1: yourself so that he can stay interested and also find
Speaker 1: out what things interest him, because your version of what
Speaker 1: may interest him may not be his version of what
Speaker 1: interests him. And it's funny because we have to do
Speaker 1: the same thing with our wives. Like things that I
Speaker 1: think are sexy could be like Na Son, I was like,
Speaker 1: I think that was sexy at all. Son, I'll take
Speaker 1: a pass on that one. Just recently devout trying to
Speaker 1: do something to me. And he was like, but you
Speaker 1: used to like that, Like I was like, yeah, but
Speaker 1: not no more. No more. Times change change. You got
Speaker 1: a roll with the role with the punches. That used
Speaker 1: to be my move right there. I used to that
Speaker 1: used to be my move. That's all right, It's like
Speaker 1: to bury that one, but continue to grow and learn
Speaker 1: each other, speak to each other for sure, and try
Speaker 1: different things, trying to switch it up a little business.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take my own advice because you know, this
Speaker 1: guy over here like a little variety. As I'm working
Speaker 1: on my acting chops again and you know, getting back
Speaker 1: into I got a different wigs she didn't mention role play. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, it's not got a couple different wigs. It
Speaker 1: depends on who he's trying to see at that particular time.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm trying to find some little funny things
Speaker 1: to do and things to do keep ad at Yes,
Speaker 1: for sure, so listen. If you want to be featured
Speaker 1: is one of our listeners on our listener letters, just
Speaker 1: email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's d E A D A S S A d
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. Nice, And
Speaker 1: that moves us into the moment of truth where we
Speaker 1: tie up the show, put a big bow on top,
Speaker 1: and you tell me what is your biggest takeaway from
Speaker 1: this entire episode. My biggest takeaway first and foremost is
Speaker 1: that I understand what my mom and your mom was
Speaker 1: doing when we met at a young age, because we
Speaker 1: met at eighteen years old. So your mom was a
Speaker 1: pit bull, my mom was a rott Waller, and they
Speaker 1: were guarding their prize possession, which is their daughters. So
Speaker 1: for them, it was trying to find out the most
Speaker 1: important aspects of the people outside of oh the looks.
Speaker 1: And they're in love and they love each other. And
Speaker 1: they're satuated. They wanted to get to the nitty gritty,
Speaker 1: and I realized that you have to have these important
Speaker 1: conversations with the people you're dating. If you're thinking long term, religion, politics, credit,
Speaker 1: wanting children, mental health very very important, speak about it,
Speaker 1: own your truth. If you win it, get it up,
Speaker 1: get together. If not, move on and find somebody else.
Speaker 1: For sure. For sure, I think that kind of seguags
Speaker 1: into my moment of truth when I was thinking about
Speaker 1: the mask. We talked about the mask with mental health,
Speaker 1: but just the mask in general. A lot of us
Speaker 1: wear masks around here, you know, when we're dating and
Speaker 1: we're talking and we're interacting with people. Um and and
Speaker 1: sometimes that's for valid reasons. You feel like you want
Speaker 1: to guard yourself and you feel like you're better off
Speaker 1: kind of keeping things to yourself because it's better for you,
Speaker 1: or you know, you kind of want to be that
Speaker 1: observer first, you know, versus the person who's quick to
Speaker 1: speak um. But kind of opening that up and you know,
Speaker 1: feeling comfortable and knowing who you can take the mask
Speaker 1: off with. It's very important. Um And it may not
Speaker 1: happen in the very beginning of a dating relationship. You know. Again,
Speaker 1: I don't know what much about what the dating scene
Speaker 1: is like, but from what I hear from single friends,
Speaker 1: it's sometimes hard to do that wall to discuss these things.
Speaker 1: That's dope, you know, even if you guys like cock
Speaker 1: it to the side real quick just to kind of
Speaker 1: peek out and see can I do this or can
Speaker 1: I not? You know, and then looking for signs and
Speaker 1: looking for triggers within a person or within a relationship
Speaker 1: or in with a conversation where you may feel comfortable
Speaker 1: or not divulging certain things. So um, that's my takeaway
Speaker 1: from today's show is um trying to see you know
Speaker 1: what that mask looks like. Yeah, people take your masks off, man,
Speaker 1: if you really, if you're really about this, this millennial
Speaker 1: dating life and building a legacy, creating a future with
Speaker 1: someone else, men, take the mask off. Talking about these
Speaker 1: topics for sure, And be sure to follow us on
Speaker 1: social media. That's I am Devout and cadeine I am.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to
Speaker 1: rate review because we love to hear your feedback and
Speaker 1: what you like and what we can improve are Also,
Speaker 1: don't forget to hit that subscribe button. That way we
Speaker 1: can get new episodes out and they automatically download to
Speaker 1: your phone. Dead As dead Ass is a production of Stitcher.
Speaker 1: It's produced by T Square and Donora Penya. Our associate
Speaker 1: producers are Kristen Tourists and Trouble. Our studio engineers are
Speaker 1: Brendan Burns and Andy, Kristen's daughter. Attention all dead Ass listeners.
Speaker 1: We have a special announcement. I repeat a special announcement.
Speaker 1: Why are you screaming out? Our listeners? They can hear you.
Speaker 1: The only thing I gotta make sure they hear me
Speaker 1: because we are taking our show on the road for
Speaker 1: two nights only dead Ass. On Thursday, November twenty one,
Speaker 1: we will be at the Underground Arts in Philly, and
Speaker 1: on Friday, November twenty two, we'll be back in our hometown, Boklyn. Baby.
Speaker 1: That's right. Tickets are available right now. Special guests will
Speaker 1: be announce soon, so get your tickets at dead as
Speaker 1: podcast dot com. You don't want to miss it. We'll back.
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McGarry and I'm David Roth. We have a
Speaker 1: podcast going on right now. It's part of the stitchen
Speaker 1: netwhere called Substraction. That's available Everywhere gets a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,
Speaker 1: Apple Go. Listen right now to the distraction, right now,
Speaker 1: it's out. Do it, please,