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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now, avail ever,

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Speaker 1: restuet your podcast at such a Spotify Apple Go listen

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Speaker 1: right now to the Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.

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Speaker 1: Go listen to see by so next to zodiac sign

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Speaker 1: and favorite color. It never really occurred to me that

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Speaker 1: when dating someone to ask their political party affiliation. Dead

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Speaker 1: As I wouldn't think about it. Well, dead ass, we

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Speaker 1: never would have gotten married if I told my mother

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Speaker 1: that you were Republican but I'm not. But it's funny

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Speaker 1: you say that like that. But dead As my mother

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Speaker 1: was not having it. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the

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Speaker 1: ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos

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Speaker 1: with our boys and reading each other publicly as a

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Speaker 1: form of therapy. I make you need derby most days. Wow.

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Speaker 1: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

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Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about

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Speaker 1: some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't

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Speaker 1: want to talk about through the lens of a millennial,

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Speaker 1: married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say

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Speaker 1: every day. When we say dead ass, we're actually saying

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Speaker 1: facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but

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Speaker 1: the truth. We're about to take Phillow's off to a

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Speaker 1: whole new level. Dead ask starts now. So no, we've

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Speaker 1: told you guys a little the backstory of how Deval

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Speaker 1: and I met. You know, how is a young whit

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Speaker 1: behind the ears, eighteen year old girl and you know,

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Speaker 1: just madly, madly, potentially madly in love with this guy here,

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Speaker 1: potentially potentially madly in love. There was a prospect there,

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Speaker 1: you know, I saw him growing into his head and whatnot.

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Speaker 1: So I said, you know what, I'm going to try

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Speaker 1: to find this guy's phone number. Couldn't find his phone number.

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Speaker 1: Went to the white pages and I went and put

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Speaker 1: in his last name, and I found his dad's phone number,

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Speaker 1: the house phone number, his name and everything. Right, strange

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Speaker 1: strange person. Yes, So I did all that, and h

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Speaker 1: called the house phone and spoke to his mom and

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Speaker 1: she was the sweetest, sweetest person on the phone. Oh,

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Speaker 1: my goodness, Cadine, it's so good to to hear from you.

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Speaker 1: We had such a great time at that banquet. Oh

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Speaker 1: my goodness, I have a perfect picture of you and

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Speaker 1: de Val and stuff. So I got Devo's phone number,

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Speaker 1: his cell phone number from his mom and we had

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Speaker 1: a great conversation on the phone that day. Fast forward

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Speaker 1: to Deval and I actually, you know, seeing each other

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Speaker 1: hanging out a couple of times, I guess, you know,

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Speaker 1: it was time for me to go to the house

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Speaker 1: and meet the family. You know me Mama again that

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Speaker 1: go to how you knew you look good? Like okay, okay.

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Speaker 1: So you know, it was very off putting because you know,

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Speaker 1: the phone conversation that we had initially, like I said,

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Speaker 1: my mother in law was sweet as pie. And we

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Speaker 1: got to the house and everyone sat down, and you know,

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Speaker 1: I was offered a drink and I went into the

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Speaker 1: kitchen and sat with his mom and she's like, so Codeine,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, what's up, Mrs Zealous, you know, and

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Speaker 1: she's just like, what church do you remember at m

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Speaker 1: And I was like, uh, remember, I mean my family

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Speaker 1: goes to x y Z church. And she's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: and she has a little pepsi and she's like, you know,

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Speaker 1: the straws in the cup, and she's like swirling it

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Speaker 1: around and I can hear her ice and I could

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Speaker 1: literally hear like all of the bubbles from that carbonated

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Speaker 1: soda popping. Because then it got really really awkward and weird.

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Speaker 1: And she's just like, Okay, in your your what eighteen?

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Speaker 1: I said, yeah, I'm I'm a teen. My birthdays in December,

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Speaker 1: I'll be nineteen. And she's like, oh, okay, so you

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Speaker 1: couldn't vote in the last election. Are you registered to vote?

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Speaker 1: That's my mother. My mama used to say, take your time,

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Speaker 1: young man. My mom used to say, don't you rush

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Speaker 1: to get up. My mommy used to say, take it

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Speaker 1: in your stride. My mommer used to say, live your life.

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Speaker 1: Shout out, Karen Alice. I love that. I was about

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Speaker 1: to say, didn't have to have that, you gott If

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Speaker 1: you don't say it like that, then you don't really

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Speaker 1: want to sing the song. So clearly you've grown up

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Speaker 1: on this song, because I don't know what the song is.

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Speaker 1: I don't think i've ever heard it. No, that's this

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Speaker 1: is part of you being you know, Caribbean, West Indian

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Speaker 1: and this is part of me being American, and you

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Speaker 1: know what with it? Have you ever heard this song before?

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Speaker 1: So if your parents grew up in this country, I

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Speaker 1: guarantee you would have heard your song a barbecue period

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Speaker 1: period you would have heard You're right, So what my

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Speaker 1: barbecue and got provoked? No, it didn't get revoked. But

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Speaker 1: you listen to different songs like I walk into your house.

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Speaker 1: Not here nine alone can quench this act. And I

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Speaker 1: didn't hear that I started dating. It's very true, but

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Speaker 1: let's not deflect off the fact that my mom my, mom, oh,

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Speaker 1: let me not, let me not go. It's more like

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Speaker 1: the gatekeeper. You don't disrespect. I have to call caron

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Speaker 1: gun bust up here playing about babies. So in my

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Speaker 1: story I talked about mom being like the gatekeeper of

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Speaker 1: their children, which I can completely agree with. That's me,

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Speaker 1: that's I would do the same thing for my boys. Um,

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Speaker 1: you know. And we talked about politics religion, So that

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Speaker 1: brought us to start talking about today. You know what

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Speaker 1: topics are taboo or no longer taboo for us millennials.

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Speaker 1: And given the culture right now, what are the things

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Speaker 1: that people talk about and don't talk about? What's on

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Speaker 1: the table, what's off the table? Well, the funny thing

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Speaker 1: is some are taboo and some aren't taboo. And the

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Speaker 1: way we the reason why we came up with this

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Speaker 1: was because you know, our parents, you know, come out

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Speaker 1: to visit us, and it just happened that our brother

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Speaker 1: and sister brought home their significant others and to meet

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Speaker 1: the parents, and me watching the dynamic of how it

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Speaker 1: works just reminds me of me going through it and

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Speaker 1: then your parents, because we're both kind of far removed

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Speaker 1: from the dating scene, very far. So there's certain things

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Speaker 1: around dating that we don't necessarily we're not savvy to anymore.

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Speaker 1: And it's funny because when it doesn't matter if your

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Speaker 1: brother or your sister or my brother or my sister

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Speaker 1: bring home a significant other, it seems like the dad's

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Speaker 1: are laid back, Oh, it's nice to meet you, blah

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Speaker 1: blah blah. The mom's going to a different type of

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Speaker 1: mode and they start asking questions, you know, just like

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Speaker 1: my mom asked you what church family are you a

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Speaker 1: part of? You know? Did you vote? You know? And

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Speaker 1: that made me think about something because it's something you

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Speaker 1: said in the very beginning, especially speaking with politics, you said, um,

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Speaker 1: I said if you were a Republican, my mother wouldn't

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Speaker 1: let me marry you. And you was just like, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm not. And it just made me laugh because it's

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Speaker 1: like black people were being a Democrat as a badge

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Speaker 1: of honor. You're right, And I don't understand why I

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Speaker 1: got friends. I got friends who would hear someone else

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Speaker 1: who's black as a Republican. Yeah, and they would be like,

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Speaker 1: they're like, oh, the Republican, bro, you're a Democrat but

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Speaker 1: you don't even know who's running in the Democratic Party.

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Speaker 1: But you're just probably labeling ourselves a Democrat. But we

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Speaker 1: don't understand what's going on with the Democratic Party per se.

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Speaker 1: We don't know what's going on with any party. And

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Speaker 1: what its flabbergasting to me is that we judge people.

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Speaker 1: So I have a question for you. You're a single

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Speaker 1: millennial hypothetically because you're not all right, and you meet

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Speaker 1: a guy, tall, dark, handsome, bearded up, makes good money,

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Speaker 1: you know, makes good money, alright, great in bed and

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Speaker 1: is a maga hat Is that a deal breaker for you? Yes? Yes,

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Speaker 1: that would have to be a deal breaker for me,

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Speaker 1: and not because um, I would say it's not a

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Speaker 1: deal breaker for me because of the simple fact that

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Speaker 1: he himself may be a Republican. But I think about

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Speaker 1: even some of our friends who who's who's salaries may

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Speaker 1: put them in the tax bracket to be a Republican, right,

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Speaker 1: so they may side with Republicans. However, you have to

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Speaker 1: think about how everyone else around you is affected by that.

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Speaker 1: And I feel like maybe this young man who seems

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Speaker 1: to be the perfect makeup, you know, may not be

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Speaker 1: in touch with his people or the people around him

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Speaker 1: and how they're being affected by that. That's why, you know,

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Speaker 1: That's why it's important. Because Kadine and I we have

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Speaker 1: a list of five things here that we think it's

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Speaker 1: very important for people to talk about when dating that

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Speaker 1: are taboo, and we're gonna start with politics, but we're

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Speaker 1: gonna go down the list. Right. Politics is very important

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Speaker 1: because who you vote for and what political party you

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Speaker 1: are affiliated with often describes and points you in a

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Speaker 1: position for your moral compass, right, And I learned this

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Speaker 1: growing up. I remember when I was I called my

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Speaker 1: mother Angela Davis, all right, mama, Oh she's missing is

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Speaker 1: the Afro. She grew up in a time where she

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Speaker 1: was the first class to be integrated into James Madison

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Speaker 1: High School and also Marine Park, so she had to

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Speaker 1: deal with racism or whole life, especially getting her education.

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Speaker 1: And um, she's always made me feel proud to be black.

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Speaker 1: And part of being black was also voting, especially in

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Speaker 1: local elections. Not so much you know, always the you know,

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Speaker 1: you gotta be who's the president. Everyone cares about who's

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Speaker 1: the president, but you have to be involved with local elections.

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Speaker 1: You have a better chance of affecting and influencing your government,

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Speaker 1: feeling that change that you're does desiring by having that

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Speaker 1: hand in the um the community. Right. Absolutely, so for

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Speaker 1: me it was like being aware of politically means a lot, right.

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Speaker 1: And I was always like Democrat, Democrat, Democrat because that's

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Speaker 1: what I grew up, That's what I was born as

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Speaker 1: a Democrat. Then we make it to the NFL, the

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Speaker 1: two of us, and you start making a ton of

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Speaker 1: money and you realize that they tax you at and

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Speaker 1: then you start hearing the murmurs of well, this is

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Speaker 1: what the Republican Party is fighting for. They want, you know,

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Speaker 1: greater tax breaks for people who make a lot more money.

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Speaker 1: And then you start to realize that you start to

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Speaker 1: feel like Dan if I was a Republican, I can

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Speaker 1: get more tax breaks, but then you start to think

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Speaker 1: about how many people around you aren't in that tax

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Speaker 1: bracket and what else comes with that party. You know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying, you think about criminal justice reforms because

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Speaker 1: it's not all I'm sorry, it's not all about the

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Speaker 1: money or the salary, right, and who's going to jail

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Speaker 1: and exactly under this party? Right, So you know, you're

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Speaker 1: making more money or you get some tax breaks, but

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Speaker 1: how many people that look like you are going to

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Speaker 1: be masterly in cars race so you're never attempted at

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Speaker 1: any point, like you know, when you were making that

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Speaker 1: kind of money. NFL days to be like, man, I

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Speaker 1: should really vote for somebody who's going to protect the

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Speaker 1: best interests of my wealth so that way I can

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Speaker 1: then help to build this legacy for my future children

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Speaker 1: that you know, I aspire to have full, full transparency. Um.

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Speaker 1: When I turned sixteen, I believe it was the two

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Speaker 1: thousand election, which was Bush. Then two thousand and four

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Speaker 1: I believe was Bush again. He became re elected Bush again, Right,

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Speaker 1: So I kind of felt like, just you know, know know,

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Speaker 1: when my mom understanding a little bit about politics, was that,

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Speaker 1: you know, we're in New York. New York's the blue state,

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Speaker 1: They're typically going to be democratic. I didn't feel the

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Speaker 1: pressure of of voting as much then two thousand and

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Speaker 1: eight was Obama. I don't care what it was. I

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Speaker 1: was voting for Obama. You know, it was just it

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Speaker 1: was what it was, like, that's just what it was.

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Speaker 1: And then more recently and the recent election just really

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Speaker 1: would hit me like, dang, am I gonna go for

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Speaker 1: Democrat or Republican? Am I going to go Trump? Who

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Speaker 1: speaking about economics? Or am I gonna go with Hillary Clin?

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Speaker 1: You know? And to be I did not know which

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Speaker 1: of those two to pick from. I really didn't. You know,

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Speaker 1: you think about the history of the party and you

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Speaker 1: want to vote with the history of the party, But

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Speaker 1: then you actually think about the candidate and you think

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Speaker 1: about being called super predators, and you think about how

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Speaker 1: mass and carceration grew during the Clinton era, and then

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Speaker 1: it's like, oh, yeah, never forget that, you know it

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Speaker 1: kind of it kind of makes you wonder in question.

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Speaker 1: But then that made me realize about millennials, right, you know,

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Speaker 1: how many millennials like discuss politics when that was taboo

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Speaker 1: at one point, you know, I will be the first

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Speaker 1: one to admit that politics talk, even just right now,

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Speaker 1: kind of makes me feel a little some kind of

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Speaker 1: way because it's something that I never really grew up around.

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Speaker 1: For example, I say that, you know, politics for you

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Speaker 1: was a major thing in your family, like your mom

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Speaker 1: always instill she'll text us and remind us to go

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Speaker 1: out and vote because we get in the group text,

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Speaker 1: don't forget to go out and vote. To that. In

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Speaker 1: my household, it wasn't really a thing. It was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: well there's a presidential election, we're registered to vote, We'll

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Speaker 1: go vote. And that was really it. It was not

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Speaker 1: ingrained in me at a young age the importance of

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Speaker 1: politics and my void in it. Um. And it's funny

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Speaker 1: because I don't feel like I mean me particularly, I

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Speaker 1: don't speak to Jackson as much about politics. Um, do

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Speaker 1: you have your moments when you have your talks with him?

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Speaker 1: Because okay, you do. At least one of us is

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Speaker 1: covering it. Because I said, my I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: for sure don't talk much about politics with Jackson, But

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Speaker 1: he doesn't need to know the history of where he

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Speaker 1: comes from and how he got here. This last presidential

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Speaker 1: election was I opening for everyone because there were so

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Speaker 1: many people and Hillary Clinton was polling to just win

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Speaker 1: in a landslide and she lost. And I remember Jackson

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Speaker 1: came home to me and said that so many people

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Speaker 1: that his school was upset. Yes, a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: And I had to have this conversation at the time.

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Speaker 1: And he was six at the time or five at

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Speaker 1: the time, but he was asking questions. So I can't,

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Speaker 1: you know, eloquently articulate to a five year old what happened.

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Speaker 1: But I can, you know, I can speak to him

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Speaker 1: about what happens in elections and stuff. But um, for me,

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Speaker 1: I think speaking about politics to your significant other is

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Speaker 1: important because you can get an idea about someone's moral compass.

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Speaker 1: You know, you don't want to give an example. Um,

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Speaker 1: some of my my white counterparts they're married as well,

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Speaker 1: and they'll say to me that me and my wife

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Speaker 1: don't discuss politics or who we're voting for, what political

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Speaker 1: party exist in our household their significant other. So it's

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Speaker 1: not a wife. So it's not even like, oh, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna unfriend this person on Facebook because they posted some

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Speaker 1: wild comment about something that I didn't agree with. Because

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Speaker 1: there will be some Facebook wars okay, because putting out

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Speaker 1: these these status updates that people don't agree with, and

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Speaker 1: it's like words listen, I thought, such as such, what's cool?

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Speaker 1: Sarah ain't cool, y'all. I'm about to unfriend her because

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Speaker 1: of what she said about this current election, you know

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Speaker 1: election climate. Yes, because because politics is very triggering for

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Speaker 1: some people and very polarizing. So I see people who

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Speaker 1: lose friends and defund people because they discussed politics on

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Speaker 1: Facebook when it comes to dating. Like one of my

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Speaker 1: my buddies, he says, him and his wife, they've been

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Speaker 1: married for seven years. They've never discussed any election, who

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Speaker 1: they're voting for, other political party, So every period in secret.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's a that's a cultural thing because

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Speaker 1: you know, he's white. His friends or white, they all

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Speaker 1: agree on that they don't do that. And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: in in the black community, that's not like in my household,

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Speaker 1: we we had no secrets in my house. You can't

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Speaker 1: even close the door, my mother, you know, we're going

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Speaker 1: to talk about this. And he had privacy in this

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Speaker 1: house growing up. So I feel like culturally he grew

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Speaker 1: up with privacy thinking this is my information, I can

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Speaker 1: keep it or Ultimately, maybe politics don't matter to some people.

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Speaker 1: Maybe in their moral compass that you spoke of, maybe

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Speaker 1: politics is just not one of those points in there.

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Speaker 1: No that gotta matter. I would like to know if

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Speaker 1: my wife is donating money to a political party that

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Speaker 1: you know, like like for example, I mean, well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because we are us and you just said your white

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Speaker 1: counterparts don't do that. I just feel like politics has

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Speaker 1: to be discussed if we talk about if we're talking

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Speaker 1: about taboo things that need to be discussed during relationships

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Speaker 1: or during the dating process, politics has to be one.

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Speaker 1: Now when you discuss it is up for debate. But

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Speaker 1: you must discussed politics before you get mad. So the

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Speaker 1: question is are you going to be as forward as

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Speaker 1: my mother in law was second meet up and be like,

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Speaker 1: so who are you affiliated with? Are you gonna wait

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Speaker 1: till we get into the thicker things when you're already mesmerized,

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Speaker 1: you know, by this person, and it's just like, damn,

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Speaker 1: this person is an opposing party, right and it's and

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Speaker 1: so that would be a deal breaker for you. If

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Speaker 1: someone just came in and just had on make American

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Speaker 1: grade again, her brother, you are this is above me.

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Speaker 1: So KOFE from Brown sugar, because you know that's your bay, right,

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Speaker 1: that's your bay from Brown. Don't get Kofee funked up

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Speaker 1: on you. It's gone. If I see Kofief ahead, I'm

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Speaker 1: a shave his beard listening with you. But um, okay,

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Speaker 1: so we got politics. Number two. Religion. My mom also

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Speaker 1: asked you. She also asked She also, am I remember

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Speaker 1: I'm not even like a church did you go to?

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Speaker 1: Intermittently She's like, where you remember at? Where are you

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Speaker 1: tiving at? And I was like, well, my family, uh,

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Speaker 1: I was raised. But do you understand why that's important

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Speaker 1: to her? No? Absolutely, I think even more than politics.

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Speaker 1: I feel like religion, when you talk about that moral compass,

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Speaker 1: has more of an impact, you know, on things that

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Speaker 1: are greater than you. So you want to really thought,

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Speaker 1: you want to talk about you know, what you believe in,

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Speaker 1: you know how we all got here. Those are conversations

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Speaker 1: that I'm sure come up for for people within relationships. Again,

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Speaker 1: it may not happen right away, but may not happen

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Speaker 1: right away, but that's something that for sure has to

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Speaker 1: happen at some point because then it becomes a thing

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Speaker 1: where you know, um practices are involved, traditions, are involved holidays,

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Speaker 1: become involved, you know children, how we're gonna raise our

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Speaker 1: potential children if you decide are they going to be

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Speaker 1: you know, Muslim, Are they gonna be Chritian? Are they

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Speaker 1: gonna be Jewish? You just never know that has to

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Speaker 1: be talked about. You were born and raised seven day events.

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Speaker 1: I was born and raised seven days. Yes, so sunset

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Speaker 1: Friday to sunset Saturday is what I was raised. Um.

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Speaker 1: And when I say what I was raised doing, it

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Speaker 1: was by way of my grandmother, my mom's mom, you know,

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Speaker 1: my uncle's the seven Day Events is Pastor Town of Florida.

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Speaker 1: So you know I was. My mom wasn't really going

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Speaker 1: with us, but I know that she felt as if

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Speaker 1: it was important for me to have you know, religion

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Speaker 1: or some sort of religious education in my life. Um.

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Speaker 1: She never pushed that on me, and I think that's

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Speaker 1: why she was kind of absent in that process. She

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Speaker 1: had my grandmother taking me so I can be exposed

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Speaker 1: to it and I can know about God and about

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Speaker 1: you know, the story and the Bible. You weren't allowed

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Speaker 1: to wear or makeup right going to church? Right, And

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Speaker 1: I remember one I well, I went. I remember one

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Speaker 1: time in particular that I felt like a heathen because

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Speaker 1: I went to church just when I was a little

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Speaker 1: bit older. Um, I went to church with my grandmother

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Speaker 1: in Brooklyn. I won't say the name of the church,

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Speaker 1: but uh, you know, I had on like a nice

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Speaker 1: little like kind of like a blazer jacket with a skirt. Um.

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Speaker 1: It was a little fitted, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 1: because I like my stuff tailored to me. Um, I

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Speaker 1: was sure showing the don't church. You were showing off

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Speaker 1: the don't in the church. Let's just say that I

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Speaker 1: had a nicely tailored suit on which I thought I

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Speaker 1: was going in fairly modest, you know, had on some

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Speaker 1: flesh tone nude shoes, the flesh tone nud shoes, UM,

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Speaker 1: a little bit of makeup. I had some stun airrings

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Speaker 1: in my air that I forgot to take off because

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Speaker 1: I went out of respect not wear airrings to church

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Speaker 1: or jewelry to church. And I remember sitting in the

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Speaker 1: pew next to my mom, who was dressed similarly to me,

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Speaker 1: and then the pastor kind of just like darting at you.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if it's the thing where you

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Speaker 1: feel like when you don't go to church for a

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Speaker 1: long time that everybody's looking at you, like, oh, she

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Speaker 1: showed up today. You know, you feel like everyone's looking

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Speaker 1: at you. But I remember the pastor like I feel

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Speaker 1: like he was just looking at us the entire time.

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Speaker 1: And then his sermon, you know, he put the whole

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Speaker 1: thing out there where he's like, I'm gonna go off

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Speaker 1: topic because off because you know, the spirits leading me

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Speaker 1: to talk about this spirit. The spirit led him to

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Speaker 1: then talk about Jezebel and how she played a role

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Speaker 1: in whatever society she was in. And I was just like,

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Speaker 1: is this man trying to talk to me? Is he

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Speaker 1: implying that because I'm wearing, you know, a nicely tailored

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Speaker 1: suit and a little makeup in some areas, that Jezebel

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Speaker 1: has entered the building? So I did. I grew up

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Speaker 1: Baptist and similar story. You know. I know women feel

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Speaker 1: judged often, but my brother and I felt judged because

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Speaker 1: we got tattoos, and we often felt judged in church.

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Speaker 1: I had an aarring, I used to wear braids, tattoos,

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Speaker 1: so we often felt judged. So you grew up celebrating

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Speaker 1: the Sabbath on this on the Saturday. We celebrate on

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Speaker 1: the Sunday, and I remember your aunt saying to you

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Speaker 1: while he goes the Sabbath on the wrong day. That's

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Speaker 1: another thing too. Yeah, one of my aunts had the

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Speaker 1: nerve to look at me be like, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 1: he's such a nice guy, but he goes to church

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Speaker 1: on the wrong day. Like what I mean, listen, I don't,

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Speaker 1: I don't not people's religious beliefs. You know what's funny,

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Speaker 1: you and I? You and I raised our children differently.

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Speaker 1: We didn't choose. We talked about this when I when

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Speaker 1: I asked her what she because it was big in

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Speaker 1: my upbringing and it was being her. So I said,

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Speaker 1: what are we going to do with with our children?

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Speaker 1: Which what day are you and I are going to

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Speaker 1: attend church? And um, I was a little blessed to

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Speaker 1: get some reprieve if you want to call it a reprieve,

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Speaker 1: because we actually played games on Saturday, so we couldn't

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Speaker 1: go on a Saturday and on Sundays. To be perfectly honest,

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Speaker 1: I just didn't feel a go because I felt so

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Speaker 1: judged at times, and I felt like my girlfriend the

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Speaker 1: time would be judged because you know, you didn't always

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Speaker 1: dressed You dressed modestly, but you know, you're curvy, you

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Speaker 1: know when you're cute, and I felt like you're always

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Speaker 1: gonna get judged. I was like, you know what, let's

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Speaker 1: just not go and we we tried. We found out

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Speaker 1: with spirituality on our own. But that leads us to

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Speaker 1: what we were discussing, which is when you're meeting people,

425
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:03,520
Speaker 1: discussed religious beliefs and what days you celebrate the Sabbath

426
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:07,200
Speaker 1: are extremely important because that can be a deal breaker

427
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,120
Speaker 1: style situation that's going to have to occur to because

428
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,240
Speaker 1: what if, you know, if I was so deeply rooted

429
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,160
Speaker 1: in the Seven day Adventist religion or denomination I should

430
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,200
Speaker 1: say and I could not and would not and was

431
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,520
Speaker 1: not willing to miss the Sabbath or not adhere to

432
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,959
Speaker 1: the rules of the Sabbath, we wouldn't work. We wouldn't

433
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:31,280
Speaker 1: work at all because Friday Saturdays were your games. You know,

434
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 1: you like to go out on the weekends, which those

435
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,040
Speaker 1: are things that would not work for us in our relationship,

436
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,399
Speaker 1: which I will admit though, if you're strong in your

437
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,760
Speaker 1: religious beliefs and that's a deal breaker for you, agree

438
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,920
Speaker 1: with that because if that brings you peace and keeps

439
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,040
Speaker 1: you centered in your daily walk for greatness. Don't compromise.

440
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,359
Speaker 1: Don't compromise that, don't compromise. But that's why you have

441
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,919
Speaker 1: to have that conversation super early. You definitely have to

442
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,960
Speaker 1: have that conversation, which brings me to the third point,

443
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,800
Speaker 1: which is one of my favorite points. You know, I

444
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,439
Speaker 1: like to talk about credit. Oh is that a favorite

445
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,720
Speaker 1: point now? Credit? No, it is a favorite point because

446
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,760
Speaker 1: finances are huge for us, and people don't you know

447
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,080
Speaker 1: how many people don't think about getting married? And then

448
00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:13,280
Speaker 1: say to myself, like, I know how many messages I

449
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,119
Speaker 1: get I got married, I married my wife, I married

450
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,320
Speaker 1: my husband, and then I just found out that, you know,

451
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,080
Speaker 1: he has sixty in credit card debt or his credit

452
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:23,280
Speaker 1: scores under five hundred. And I'm like, yo, y'all didn't

453
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,200
Speaker 1: discuss finances before you all got married. But let's be honest,

454
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,080
Speaker 1: I didn't talk about We didn't talk We didn't talk

455
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,200
Speaker 1: about it either. That was a huge riff for us

456
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,600
Speaker 1: in the very beginning of the first three years. Not

457
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 1: credit per se, but I mean, shoot, that was a

458
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:38,520
Speaker 1: big reference like last week. It wasn't last week, you know,

459
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 1: understanding credit number one sharing And that's why they have

460
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,680
Speaker 1: people who specialize in like credit repair and like courses

461
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:49,040
Speaker 1: on this stuff, because it's not easy, nor is it

462
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:51,080
Speaker 1: for the thing at heart, but it's something that's super

463
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:53,800
Speaker 1: super nectity necessary because then you talk about what credit

464
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,960
Speaker 1: gets you. Credit gets you loans, and credit gets you

465
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:58,160
Speaker 1: a car, and it gets you a home, and these

466
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,560
Speaker 1: are things that if it's within your plan for five

467
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,160
Speaker 1: years or ten years individually or with someone, it has

468
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,119
Speaker 1: to be hashed out. You have to be evenly yoked.

469
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:11,320
Speaker 1: Going back to religion credit wise, because we talked about

470
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:14,080
Speaker 1: moral compass right and walking together. If you're two people

471
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:17,760
Speaker 1: walking together in one walk, your credit can show you

472
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:22,640
Speaker 1: your your significant others financial moral compass. It's like, did

473
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,280
Speaker 1: you really think that that was important to putting your

474
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,920
Speaker 1: credit card? Like I don't think you had to pay

475
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,639
Speaker 1: that bill on tong because I feel like sometimes that

476
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,080
Speaker 1: he's like walking down Wall Street like do do do do?

477
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,040
Speaker 1: And I'm back on like Jerome and stutter in Brooklyn

478
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:41,800
Speaker 1: in the hod with my Shinces Blyn thew there love'.

479
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying it is what it is, and

480
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:46,960
Speaker 1: that's something that we struggle with very early on. Yes

481
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,000
Speaker 1: we did, we did. It was it was a growth

482
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,360
Speaker 1: thing and now it becomes a thing where even with finances,

483
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,280
Speaker 1: it requires some consulting. So it's not even like a

484
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 1: tip for tad or I'm asking for permission to purchase

485
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,679
Speaker 1: something or to do something. But you really have to

486
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,240
Speaker 1: now know that it's not just you that's being affected,

487
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,880
Speaker 1: it's somebody else being affected. And then now we're trying

488
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,400
Speaker 1: to make plans together to progress, and you know how

489
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:12,080
Speaker 1: does that work out? So we got religion, we got politics,

490
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,800
Speaker 1: we got credit. We did a whole thing on a budget, Nesta,

491
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,480
Speaker 1: We're going to have the budget Neista back to talk

492
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,240
Speaker 1: about credit and financial repair for two people. Um, because

493
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:22,760
Speaker 1: you know that's that's a that's a whole podcast in itself.

494
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 1: But this one is well is another story. Was there's

495
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:29,040
Speaker 1: another d M that we get all the time. Wanting

496
00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:32,240
Speaker 1: children should be discussed early in relationship. It's wanting or

497
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,000
Speaker 1: not wanting. Because I feel like there's a shift now

498
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 1: where I'm seeing a lot more millennials, people my age

499
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,479
Speaker 1: and even younger saying that they don't want children, and

500
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,600
Speaker 1: for various reasons. I met a young lady recently at

501
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,960
Speaker 1: a conference and she said she wanted children her entire life,

502
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,040
Speaker 1: but the way she sees the world right now and

503
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,480
Speaker 1: the way she is as a person. She feels like

504
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:54,920
Speaker 1: her heart literally can't take having a child and attempting

505
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:56,840
Speaker 1: to raise a child in an environment and in a

506
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,960
Speaker 1: world like this where there's so much unknown and they're

507
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,359
Speaker 1: so much changing, and there's so much that she doesn't

508
00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:04,400
Speaker 1: agree with that's happening that she's just like, I changed

509
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 1: my mind. So imagine if she was in a relationship

510
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,680
Speaker 1: with somebody that you know, Okay, we're gonna have children,

511
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:10,159
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden she's just like, you

512
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,960
Speaker 1: know what, on second thought, I'm not with this whole

513
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,639
Speaker 1: kid thing. You know. You know it's funny. Um, we

514
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 1: as black people often go into relationships assuming things about

515
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,720
Speaker 1: other black people just because they're black. For example, you

516
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:23,960
Speaker 1: meet a black person, you automatically assume they go to church.

517
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: God forbid of black person, say the atheist or they

518
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:28,919
Speaker 1: your spiritual and they don't go to church. It's like,

519
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 1: oh my god, you're not really black. They assume that

520
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:33,600
Speaker 1: you're democrat, you know what I'm saying, a lot of

521
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:37,240
Speaker 1: times they assume that your credit is sucked up. It's

522
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,440
Speaker 1: just how it is, like, that's that's how, That's how

523
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,600
Speaker 1: we are as people, we assume that everyone we meet

524
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,919
Speaker 1: want to have kids. If you go into a relationship, oh,

525
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:50,639
Speaker 1: if we're dating with purpose, we're dating. And that becomes

526
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,680
Speaker 1: a very sensitive topic for some people too, because with us,

527
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,960
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, y'all date, and when you'll getting engaged, Oh,

528
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,680
Speaker 1: you're engaged, when you getting married? Oh you're married when

529
00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,919
Speaker 1: you're having kids. What if they don't want to have

530
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:01,840
Speaker 1: kids right away? What if someone's trying to have kids

531
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 1: and they're having problems conceiving. You never know someone's story

532
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:07,399
Speaker 1: and what they're going through behind the scenes, and you

533
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 1: have to be very particular and very sensitive about things

534
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 1: like that. But as long as you and the person

535
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:15,160
Speaker 1: are on the same accord or you're speaking about it openly,

536
00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 1: I think in the very beginning, we know because children

537
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,720
Speaker 1: are life changing, they're here forever. But my thing is

538
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 1: when when is it's not convenient? But when is it

539
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 1: an okay time to say to a woman you're dating, hey,

540
00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:30,720
Speaker 1: are you interested in having children? Because I feel like

541
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 1: some women would take offense to that. It's just just

542
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,919
Speaker 1: because I'm a woman doesn't mean I want to have children.

543
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:37,639
Speaker 1: You know, you know, they don't ask the men that

544
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,639
Speaker 1: they always ask women, when are you settling down to

545
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,439
Speaker 1: have kids? When is it okay to say that to

546
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:44,840
Speaker 1: a woman when you're dating, and just you know be like, hey,

547
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:46,879
Speaker 1: you know, well, I guess it first would have to

548
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 1: be if you're taking each other seriously, right, I would

549
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,320
Speaker 1: assume it's a conversation that would happen a couple maybe

550
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 1: a couple of dates, and when you're feeling each other

551
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,080
Speaker 1: and stuff, or if you feel like this is something

552
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,400
Speaker 1: that could potentially go somewhere. But I also think too,

553
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,360
Speaker 1: as a woman, you kind of have to expect that

554
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,000
Speaker 1: and not take everything so sensitively. I feel like we're

555
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,040
Speaker 1: in a time where a lot of people take things

556
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,480
Speaker 1: like supersensitive off the bat, and it can just be

557
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 1: a genuine question that someone is asking, or a man

558
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:09,800
Speaker 1: will be asking, like, you know, hey, do you see

559
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:11,800
Speaker 1: yourself having children one day? You know, it's all about

560
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:13,479
Speaker 1: the way it's posed, and I think the timing that

561
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,560
Speaker 1: it comes up or the environment that it comes up in.

562
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:19,399
Speaker 1: You know that it's not just maybe an interrogation, but

563
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:21,320
Speaker 1: you know it's something worth speaking about. And I think

564
00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:23,760
Speaker 1: women should be open to, you know, saying how they

565
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,800
Speaker 1: really feel at that point. So what it would it

566
00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 1: be okay for if a dude, say, for example, hypothetical

567
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 1: you're dating and you say you don't want to have kids.

568
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:35,920
Speaker 1: If a dude continues to date you knowing that since

569
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,480
Speaker 1: you don't want to have kids, you don't see something

570
00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:42,440
Speaker 1: long term and date someone else. You mean, so if

571
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,200
Speaker 1: he dates someone else because he's like, you know what,

572
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,520
Speaker 1: she doesn't want children. So I'm just gonna go, yeah,

573
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,400
Speaker 1: like what if what if he just would respect that?

574
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:50,360
Speaker 1: Because then what's the sense in holding onto somebody if

575
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,720
Speaker 1: you feel like I think, what's worse what happen is

576
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:54,480
Speaker 1: if he knows he really wants children and he feels

577
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:57,200
Speaker 1: like maybe I could win her over, or maybe her

578
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 1: thoughts will change, or maybe maybe something you would take

579
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 1: more kind of romance her into having it. Yeah, I

580
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:04,000
Speaker 1: would take more offense to that than being upfront of

581
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 1: him saying you know what, I don't think that you know,

582
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 1: we're going to align on certain things for our lives

583
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,720
Speaker 1: path this is something I'm expecting or something I want

584
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,000
Speaker 1: out of life, and so that I'm not robbed of that,

585
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,520
Speaker 1: I feel like we should go our separate ways. I

586
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,960
Speaker 1: think that's a mature way to handle it. Wow, that's

587
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:20,480
Speaker 1: just that's uh, because deeper into this thing, you know,

588
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:22,640
Speaker 1: and then it may be a thing where then you know,

589
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 1: in the process of them really feeling each other, that

590
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:27,840
Speaker 1: is the deal breaker. And then she ultimately feels like,

591
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:29,160
Speaker 1: you know what, maybe I should just give him a

592
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,400
Speaker 1: baby because she feels guilty. You know, you don't want

593
00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 1: have a guilt baby. Don't have a guilt baby. But

594
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:34,760
Speaker 1: if you start having this resentment and then you're just

595
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:36,560
Speaker 1: like this damn baby. Every time this baby comes around,

596
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 1: it's like a thing, and it's like you're gonna have resentment.

597
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:40,680
Speaker 1: But that's that's just tough. Though. You meet a woman

598
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:43,480
Speaker 1: that you're vibe with and and everything is in alignment

599
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: and everything that we talked about politics, finances, religion and everything,

600
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,240
Speaker 1: and then it comes down to children and she just

601
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:55,760
Speaker 1: says no, and then you just cut it, like I

602
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:59,640
Speaker 1: feel like that would be harsh maybe, you know. And

603
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 1: that's why I wouldn't say you try to romance into

604
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,920
Speaker 1: wanting to have a child. But it's like everything is

605
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 1: going so well, you want to have that. Where is

606
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,080
Speaker 1: the compromise if you want to have you don't want

607
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,400
Speaker 1: to have children, and he wants to have children. Where

608
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:13,520
Speaker 1: is the compromising that I mean, I feel like there's

609
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:15,280
Speaker 1: something you don't have to compromise on if you're not

610
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:17,400
Speaker 1: with the person you know, like you're not married, or

611
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 1: there's like an attachment to that person per se. If

612
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:23,440
Speaker 1: it's just an emotional attachment, then I say something that

613
00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:25,720
Speaker 1: should be broken off earlier on. You don't you don't

614
00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: meet people, you don't meet soul mates too often, you

615
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:30,880
Speaker 1: don't mean. I mean, if you was trying to romance

616
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:32,200
Speaker 1: meant having a baby, and I was like, no, I

617
00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:34,440
Speaker 1: don't really want kids, but that that wants one, maybe

618
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:36,440
Speaker 1: we can compromise on one and not four. I've been

619
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 1: romancing you to have another baby since last year. Facts, facts,

620
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:45,480
Speaker 1: but the compromises you've got three, not four. But I

621
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:49,880
Speaker 1: don't have no girls anyway. That brings me to our

622
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 1: fifth topic, taboo mental health, because that's crazy. That was

623
00:30:54,560 --> 00:31:03,640
Speaker 1: the perfect segue. Mental health matters. I like that, Like that, Like, yeah,

624
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:07,080
Speaker 1: so mental health matters talking about you know, things that

625
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:11,840
Speaker 1: can be genetic that run in the family, how you've

626
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:15,200
Speaker 1: been feeling lately. Where do you think mental health runs

627
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:19,240
Speaker 1: in this whole area of taboo talks? It's it's sad

628
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: because we put mental health as fivestically it should have

629
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,600
Speaker 1: been number one exactly talk about your head. But I

630
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 1: think we're getting Let me say something to you too.

631
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,560
Speaker 1: You you mentioned my head today, alright. You started your

632
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:33,880
Speaker 1: story off said that you was wet behind the ears,

633
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: and then you said, I want to see if you

634
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 1: grew into your head. I'm just saying you like you.

635
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,719
Speaker 1: I don't know where you're going with that story early.

636
00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:44,000
Speaker 1: It took it took a couple of sentences. But anyway,

637
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:49,920
Speaker 1: mental health, I told as we discover it more as

638
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:54,480
Speaker 1: a people, how important mental health is. When you meet people,

639
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,880
Speaker 1: it's important to know what things lie in their past

640
00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:04,600
Speaker 1: family members, moms, dad's um, depression, schizophrenia. There are so

641
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:06,840
Speaker 1: many things that are actually mental health issues. That's not

642
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 1: just oh he crazy, she crazy. If you knew that

643
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:11,920
Speaker 1: this person was dealing with a serious issue or chemical

644
00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:14,320
Speaker 1: that has been diagnosed and that they may be taking

645
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:18,120
Speaker 1: medication for, there's a family history of very important, your

646
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:20,560
Speaker 1: grandma very important. You know, just knowing that something that

647
00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 1: potentially runs in your family, you know it's UM. It's

648
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,840
Speaker 1: something that's super very serious, and I would I would

649
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:30,200
Speaker 1: put this at at number one like I would. Man, Man,

650
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:33,040
Speaker 1: you're trying to meet somebody. Mental health is so important.

651
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:35,160
Speaker 1: You don't want to fall in love with somebody. Meet somebody,

652
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:37,080
Speaker 1: you get everything and going, and then you find out

653
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:39,920
Speaker 1: that they have mental health issues. Because some people don't

654
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:42,040
Speaker 1: realize they have mental health issues. They walk around as

655
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:45,280
Speaker 1: a functioning adult and they don't realize it that that

656
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:49,440
Speaker 1: something is seriously wrong. You know. Um, Depression is big

657
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 1: in this country, and people can't figure out if it's

658
00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:55,400
Speaker 1: social media, if it's medication, and there's so many different factors.

659
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:57,560
Speaker 1: I feel like that can contribute to mental health mental

660
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,840
Speaker 1: health issues. And like you said, sometimes people won't walk

661
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:02,360
Speaker 1: aroun fully functioning not knowing that you know, or we

662
00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:05,000
Speaker 1: tend to diagnose people like oh, you know such as such,

663
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 1: he's bipolar because one minute he feels and you throw

664
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,200
Speaker 1: it out easily, not knowing that it's something that's that's

665
00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:14,960
Speaker 1: the actual legitimate um, you know, illness that needs to

666
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:18,240
Speaker 1: have attention um. And I think sometimes those are things

667
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,719
Speaker 1: that are triggered for different reasons throughout life. UM. Like

668
00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 1: I said, some things are genetic. So just even knowing

669
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:26,240
Speaker 1: family history, family health, so outside of mental health, just

670
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 1: histories of different things that run in families, you know.

671
00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 1: I mean that was the point of us we found

672
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:33,120
Speaker 1: out about the sickle cell trade, yes, you know, because

673
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 1: I had no you had the trade, I had the

674
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:37,080
Speaker 1: sickle sell I don't have the trade. And what we

675
00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 1: found out is if you have the trade and I

676
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:41,040
Speaker 1: have the trade, then now our kids have a high chance. Yeah,

677
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:42,960
Speaker 1: they have a fifty percent chance of having the sickle

678
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:44,840
Speaker 1: cell trade. And that's something that I didn't know because

679
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 1: my mom neglected to tell me that. So in dating,

680
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:49,520
Speaker 1: you know, it wasn't something that I sat down and

681
00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:52,560
Speaker 1: asked someone like, hey, there we go back to the

682
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 1: zodiac and a favorite color, what's your credit score? And

683
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:56,640
Speaker 1: do you have the sickle cell trade? You know, And

684
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:59,000
Speaker 1: it wasn't. It wasn't up there exactly. And and me

685
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:02,080
Speaker 1: being kind of upfront, forward person, it's something that I

686
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:04,160
Speaker 1: probably feel like I would bring up earlier, like if

687
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 1: I was dating now with the intent to have children

688
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:09,200
Speaker 1: one day, I think it's something worth discussing and even

689
00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:12,120
Speaker 1: said to like my siblings, you know, make sure you

690
00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:15,800
Speaker 1: ask your doctor next time if you have to, because

691
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,200
Speaker 1: they may not have the trait. You know, my mom

692
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:19,799
Speaker 1: passed it to me and then I passed the to

693
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:22,000
Speaker 1: two of our sons. So you know, my brother and

694
00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:23,359
Speaker 1: sister may or may not have the trade. But now

695
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 1: that they're of age where they're dating and they're dating seriously,

696
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:28,440
Speaker 1: it's important to know um. And those are things that

697
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 1: you know when you can control it and you know

698
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 1: ahead of time, all the better. Some things are mental

699
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,080
Speaker 1: health issues that are triggered by various things throughout life. Well,

700
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: it's funny. It's funny you said trigger, because that's why

701
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:42,680
Speaker 1: it's important to talk about it through relationships. Many mental

702
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:47,000
Speaker 1: health issues are triggered through relationships. Something happens at work.

703
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:48,560
Speaker 1: You see a lot of the violence and things that

704
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,759
Speaker 1: go on, you know in America, it happens in the workplace,

705
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:53,719
Speaker 1: or happens in school. A lot of these people are

706
00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:57,560
Speaker 1: diagnosed with mental health health issues that were triggered by

707
00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:00,400
Speaker 1: something that was happened daily. So now you're meeting someone

708
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,640
Speaker 1: and you're dating, and you're spending a lot of time

709
00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:05,279
Speaker 1: with this person, it's important to know if they have

710
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:07,799
Speaker 1: these issues, and if there's anything you're doing that could

711
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:13,280
Speaker 1: trigger their issues. Looking for signs, but also knowing their past,

712
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:16,160
Speaker 1: because if you know that someone has a mental health

713
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:19,799
Speaker 1: issue that is triggered by a behavior, and you love

714
00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 1: this person, you don't necessarily have to run from them

715
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,440
Speaker 1: at this point. Now you can understand what behavior is

716
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 1: trigger that person and help navigate that person and yourself

717
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:31,480
Speaker 1: so that person can be a functioning adult. You know,

718
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:33,080
Speaker 1: it's not something you just run from. When you hear

719
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:36,120
Speaker 1: mental health issue, you make a decision if this is

720
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,440
Speaker 1: someone I want to spend my life with and walk

721
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:41,600
Speaker 1: with them that we can navigate this together together for sure.

722
00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,520
Speaker 1: And and it's very important with triggers because even the violence,

723
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,800
Speaker 1: you're here in relationships where a young man or a

724
00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:48,719
Speaker 1: young woman takes their own life and the life of

725
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:51,040
Speaker 1: a child, and the life of their significant other and

726
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:55,160
Speaker 1: a child. I was just showing you on the news, Um,

727
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:57,359
Speaker 1: there's a young girl, a five year old, her father

728
00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 1: walking her to school like normal, was on the platform

729
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,040
Speaker 1: them out and I think the bronx in the bronx

730
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:03,839
Speaker 1: and then he jumped in front of the train and

731
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,080
Speaker 1: thank god that baby survived. That you walked away with

732
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:10,239
Speaker 1: with minor scratching scratch, but he passed away. He did,

733
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,439
Speaker 1: he did. He lost his life and he was dealing

734
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,640
Speaker 1: apparently with depression. Was on and off medication for a

735
00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:18,360
Speaker 1: long time, his wife said, and you never know, you know,

736
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:20,759
Speaker 1: you hear he listened to this saying, remember this, the

737
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:24,279
Speaker 1: saying tears of a clown, And what tears of a

738
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,440
Speaker 1: clown talks about is you know how some of the

739
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:29,360
Speaker 1: most funniest people in your life, some of the happiest

740
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:32,080
Speaker 1: people in your life, they're always wearing a mask, mask off,

741
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 1: mask on, mask off, mask on. They're wearing a mask

742
00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:38,080
Speaker 1: underneath that mask of smiles and happiness a lot of

743
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:40,480
Speaker 1: times or tears that they're hiding from the rest of

744
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:43,280
Speaker 1: the world, and they're only willing to share with people

745
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:45,799
Speaker 1: that they trust. So if you're dating someone and you

746
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:49,000
Speaker 1: become that person's trust, it's important for you to know

747
00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:51,279
Speaker 1: when that person is taking the mask off and who

748
00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:53,800
Speaker 1: they are when they're not in front of their friends

749
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 1: always joking, because that as you always here, I never

750
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:59,440
Speaker 1: knew this person was always laughing and joking. And Rob Williams,

751
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 1: for example, one of the most funniest men ever in

752
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:05,959
Speaker 1: the history of comedy and films, took his own life

753
00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:09,520
Speaker 1: and also providing that safe space for them to feel comfortable.

754
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:14,000
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely, you know, sometimes you laugh, we laugh or

755
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 1: joke about mental health and people just being crazy, but

756
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:18,759
Speaker 1: that can then deter people from feeling like they can

757
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:20,799
Speaker 1: confide in you, or having a safe space for people

758
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:23,800
Speaker 1: to speak and open up about things that are bothering them.

759
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: You know so well, you will give me a safe space. Baby,

760
00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:30,319
Speaker 1: I feel safe. I feel I do. But I have

761
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:35,560
Speaker 1: to come home and I just be, you know, being

762
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 1: in a space where I just need my baby sometimes

763
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:39,960
Speaker 1: and I need you to let me cry on your

764
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:41,760
Speaker 1: shoulder and let me let it out and it's okay.

765
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,520
Speaker 1: Like I feel comfortable, you know, as a man, as

766
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:47,400
Speaker 1: a very masculine, alpha male, saying, sometimes I go home

767
00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:50,399
Speaker 1: and when i'm when I'm off and my mask is off,

768
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:53,160
Speaker 1: I can cry on my cake, you know, I can cry,

769
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:54,520
Speaker 1: and said, baby, I just want to do this. I

770
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 1: remember I used to cry to you all the time.

771
00:37:56,239 --> 00:37:57,600
Speaker 1: This is God's on the shoes. I used to be

772
00:37:57,600 --> 00:37:59,040
Speaker 1: in the house and she's like, what's the matter with you?

773
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:01,759
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I just want to act. Man, I

774
00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:04,200
Speaker 1: just wanted the TV. I didn't want to play football,

775
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:06,719
Speaker 1: I didn't want to train people. I just want to

776
00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:08,759
Speaker 1: act do TV. And I would and he would be

777
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,799
Speaker 1: upset because theo was a person that if he wants

778
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:13,400
Speaker 1: it like right now, he's gonna try to get it

779
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 1: right now, like he doesn't want to do the whole

780
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:17,719
Speaker 1: like we'll get it someday. Thing. He's like, how can

781
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:19,560
Speaker 1: I make this happen now? And I had to explain

782
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:21,800
Speaker 1: to him like, hey, this is great. You're doing everything

783
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:25,080
Speaker 1: in your power, but you have to wait until the

784
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,719
Speaker 1: time is right you. It's not gonna happen overnight like

785
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 1: that for you. And you kept at it though, because

786
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:34,720
Speaker 1: those in those week moments you gave me the power

787
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:39,359
Speaker 1: two I could release that what I'm saying, I could

788
00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 1: release that, and then I could I could refuel, go

789
00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:44,640
Speaker 1: back out and stay at it for what I'm saying.

790
00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:47,520
Speaker 1: And I think that we've both developed, um, you know

791
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:50,319
Speaker 1: us again talking about the taboo topics. We've developed a

792
00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:52,719
Speaker 1: safe space for us to openly speak about all of

793
00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:55,960
Speaker 1: these things that were once taboo that are no longer taboo.

794
00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:57,799
Speaker 1: And I feel like this is starting to kind of

795
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:01,960
Speaker 1: trickle off onto our families now where you know our parents,

796
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,720
Speaker 1: and know my parents particularly who are not very vocal,

797
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:07,520
Speaker 1: which I've said before about random things and speaking and

798
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:11,319
Speaker 1: communication and saying how they feel. We are now, I

799
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:15,480
Speaker 1: feel like allowing for dialogue to transpire in our household

800
00:39:15,719 --> 00:39:20,080
Speaker 1: and then paving the way for our siblings, you know,

801
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:24,280
Speaker 1: to then feel comfortable bringing other people around and openly

802
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:26,879
Speaker 1: speaking about how we feel. So that eliminates so much

803
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:30,319
Speaker 1: of the unknown and the guessing and the wondering and

804
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:33,120
Speaker 1: at tiptoeing, and ain't nobody had time for that? No

805
00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:35,160
Speaker 1: more like this stuff to get done. If we can

806
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 1: be as direct as possible without hurting anyone's feelings, being respectful,

807
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,239
Speaker 1: and creating again the safe space for people to feel

808
00:39:41,239 --> 00:39:44,400
Speaker 1: like they can speak about these things, why the hell not?

809
00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:47,960
Speaker 1: And absolutely and most importantly creating a safe space for

810
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:52,520
Speaker 1: our children, absolutely, because yeah, and we want them to

811
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:54,640
Speaker 1: be able to see that. You know. I feel like

812
00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:56,959
Speaker 1: back in the day when I used to my mom

813
00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:59,319
Speaker 1: and her sisters and my grandmother and grandfather, they used

814
00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:01,320
Speaker 1: to have these little hawcuses in the basement and everything

815
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:03,239
Speaker 1: was very secretive, and you know, we didn't know what

816
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:04,600
Speaker 1: they were talking about, and I would try to go

817
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,800
Speaker 1: to the stairways to like listen to what they're saying,

818
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:09,400
Speaker 1: just being nosy. But now I feel like Jackson and

819
00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 1: Kyron Kaz can see us openly sitting down having dialogue

820
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:17,239
Speaker 1: with each other. They can see us not arguing or bickering,

821
00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:22,640
Speaker 1: but disagreeing but respectfully, you know. And they, as three

822
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:26,719
Speaker 1: young black men, will ultimately have that dialogue with the

823
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,959
Speaker 1: women they date and they build families with which leads

824
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:32,759
Speaker 1: us back to the five things that Codeine and I

825
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 1: feel that you should speak to people about when you date.

826
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:38,040
Speaker 1: We're gonna go all these five, write these down. We

827
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:44,880
Speaker 1: got religion, politics, credit, wanting children, and mental health. And

828
00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:46,560
Speaker 1: if you don't have a pit bull, if you don't

829
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:48,439
Speaker 1: have a pit bull like my mom and her mom,

830
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 1: you know, because women are the gatekeepers in our families.

831
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,440
Speaker 1: The women, the moms are the gay people's. If you

832
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:55,520
Speaker 1: don't have a pit bull, you can be the pit

833
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:58,640
Speaker 1: bull yourself and have these conversations with the people you're dating.

834
00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:00,440
Speaker 1: You know what. I laugh about the mom's being the

835
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:02,880
Speaker 1: pit bulls because sometimes it's the dad's the kind of

836
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:05,040
Speaker 1: infuse what they're thinking, and then the mom's come across

837
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:07,480
Speaker 1: with the pit bulls. Because my father sure be having questions,

838
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:09,520
Speaker 1: but he don't want to ask directly, so he'll say

839
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:12,280
Speaker 1: to my mom, I wonder what x y Z is happening,

840
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:14,319
Speaker 1: and then my mom will be the pit bull. It's

841
00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:15,960
Speaker 1: all right, I got you back. Your father is not

842
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:19,080
Speaker 1: the peple. Your father is not a pit bull. He's

843
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:22,200
Speaker 1: not even a though. He's not a chill woman. Your father,

844
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:26,200
Speaker 1: your father, your father just be chilling. He's like probably

845
00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:28,960
Speaker 1: the most chill person out of the entire family. We're

846
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:30,880
Speaker 1: gonna take a quick break. We're gonna get into some

847
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,600
Speaker 1: listening letters when we give absolutely and some ads. First,

848
00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:35,600
Speaker 1: definitely got to pay some bills. Got to pay some

849
00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 1: bills and get to these ads, and then listen to

850
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:47,320
Speaker 1: letters when we get back. Stay tuned. This for the record.

851
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:55,640
Speaker 1: There it is. Tiger Woods is one of our most

852
00:41:55,800 --> 00:42:01,000
Speaker 1: inspiring sports icons and his story it comes to many chapters.

853
00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:06,080
Speaker 1: I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior,

854
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:14,120
Speaker 1: but here it is the return to glory. This is

855
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:17,759
Speaker 1: All American, a new series from Stitcher, hosted by me

856
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,920
Speaker 1: Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Wis doesn't know who he

857
00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:24,560
Speaker 1: is best in the history of golf, no question in

858
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:28,760
Speaker 1: my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist

859
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:33,560
Speaker 1: Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger

860
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 1: Woods that the media has been telling, What if it's

861
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:42,400
Speaker 1: been completely wrong. All American Tiger is out now. Listen

862
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:49,879
Speaker 1: in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. All

863
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:53,000
Speaker 1: right now, So our mailboxes have been flooded and we've

864
00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:54,719
Speaker 1: been trying to get through all these listener letters. So

865
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:57,840
Speaker 1: let's dive right into the first one for today's episode.

866
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,040
Speaker 1: I met an amazing guy who loves me so much.

867
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,799
Speaker 1: He's been hurt in the past, and honestly, so have I,

868
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,960
Speaker 1: but he has some sort of PTSD from it. He's

869
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 1: accused me of looking at his debit card pin when

870
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:14,320
Speaker 1: I just was staring into space. He accused me of

871
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:18,200
Speaker 1: cheating multiple times by asking why he's seen sheets in

872
00:43:18,239 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 1: my dryer A few times he's asked me. He's accused

873
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:25,480
Speaker 1: me of taking and hiding his things when he cannot

874
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:28,359
Speaker 1: find them when we talk about it. He thinks I'm

875
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:30,960
Speaker 1: inconsiderate of his feelings, and I think he's wrong for

876
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:33,080
Speaker 1: accusing me of things when he swears up and down

877
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:36,760
Speaker 1: that he trusts me. It's very confusing and it leads

878
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:41,160
Speaker 1: to plenty of arguments. Please help. I don't think I sorry.

879
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:44,120
Speaker 1: I don't think I should listen to his accusations because

880
00:43:44,360 --> 00:43:47,600
Speaker 1: I've been supporting him and more than faithful and loving

881
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:50,000
Speaker 1: to him. I know these are his issues and I'm

882
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:54,040
Speaker 1: getting hit with the process. He wants forever, but I

883
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:57,680
Speaker 1: can't deal with this forever. I need a relationship with trust.

884
00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 1: I've never given him a reason to not trust. What

885
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:07,480
Speaker 1: to do? What should I say? Damn, I'm sorry to

886
00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:11,520
Speaker 1: hear that. So the PTSD that he's experiencing, I'm wondering

887
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:16,200
Speaker 1: isn't just from I guess past relationships I'm assuming, or

888
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:19,880
Speaker 1: maybe he's grown up around it could have been something

889
00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:24,200
Speaker 1: that he witnessed, you know, with his family, you know,

890
00:44:24,239 --> 00:44:28,959
Speaker 1: mother father relationship. I'm not sure what his relationship is. UM.

891
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,040
Speaker 1: I wonder if you guys seek any kind of counseling

892
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:34,000
Speaker 1: or therapy, because sometimes, you know, Devaline have never actually

893
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 1: gone to a therapist per se, because we've been super

894
00:44:37,080 --> 00:44:38,839
Speaker 1: open about talking and I feel like we've been able

895
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:42,239
Speaker 1: to navigate some of our problems. UM. But that's because

896
00:44:42,239 --> 00:44:44,959
Speaker 1: we never really have guards up and we don't take

897
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:47,600
Speaker 1: things too personally, nor do we get defensive at times.

898
00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:49,160
Speaker 1: But but I do think that we both had a

899
00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:52,400
Speaker 1: stigma about therapy early on, and had we gone to therapy,

900
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:56,200
Speaker 1: we would have gotten through our problems with faster faster

901
00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:58,400
Speaker 1: for sure. And the reason I asked that is because

902
00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:00,799
Speaker 1: or say that rather, it is because as you know,

903
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:05,280
Speaker 1: him constantly feeling like you're you're not considering his feelings

904
00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:07,440
Speaker 1: or maybe getting defensive about it whenever you bring up

905
00:45:07,480 --> 00:45:11,400
Speaker 1: the topic of conversation, maybe it requires an outside source

906
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:15,120
Speaker 1: to help kind of circumvent that and navigate the issues.

907
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:17,560
Speaker 1: You know, um, it may require more than just the

908
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:19,239
Speaker 1: two of you speaking about it, because he may not

909
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:21,759
Speaker 1: even think that he has an issue, you know. I

910
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:24,880
Speaker 1: mean most of the time when when people, whether they

911
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:27,719
Speaker 1: have PTSD or not from past relationships or things in

912
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:33,400
Speaker 1: the past, when how you discuss your issues often shows

913
00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:35,279
Speaker 1: you if you're going to get over it. He could

914
00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:37,000
Speaker 1: be right and you could be right, but if y'all

915
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:38,920
Speaker 1: discuss it in the wrong fashion, you're never going to

916
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:42,239
Speaker 1: get to the root of the problem. So that's why

917
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 1: I think that therapy or a mediator can help, because

918
00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:47,400
Speaker 1: if he gets, if she gets, if he feels that

919
00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:51,680
Speaker 1: she's defensive when she's trying to explain to him her truth,

920
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:54,560
Speaker 1: she's never going to be able to get her truth across,

921
00:45:54,840 --> 00:45:57,520
Speaker 1: which means he's just going to continue to build his

922
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:00,239
Speaker 1: own narrative, in his own truth about what's going on,

923
00:46:00,640 --> 00:46:03,120
Speaker 1: and things are going to get worse. He's going to

924
00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:06,560
Speaker 1: have to hear from someone independent of you about what

925
00:46:06,600 --> 00:46:08,840
Speaker 1: he's really going through. He's going to have to unpack

926
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:11,359
Speaker 1: that on his own before he comes to you with

927
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:13,200
Speaker 1: another issue. The only way he could do that is

928
00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:16,720
Speaker 1: through therapy or through a mediator. For sure. The therapist.

929
00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:21,040
Speaker 1: I saw a therapist and I did not know the

930
00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:22,880
Speaker 1: valencing a therapist, And at first I felt some kind

931
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:24,239
Speaker 1: of way about it because I was like, how do

932
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:25,960
Speaker 1: you mean you were like? First of all, I was like,

933
00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:27,480
Speaker 1: where did you tell me you were at when you

934
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:30,239
Speaker 1: were at a therapist? That was the first thing. Then

935
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:31,839
Speaker 1: secondly I was just like, well, why couldn't you talk

936
00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:33,000
Speaker 1: to me about it? Why did you have to see

937
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:35,720
Speaker 1: a therapist? Because one, I didn't want you to feel

938
00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:38,200
Speaker 1: as if you were the reason that I needed to

939
00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:40,440
Speaker 1: go see a therapist, which I understood. I felt like

940
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:43,040
Speaker 1: if I told you that you would take that on

941
00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:44,680
Speaker 1: knowing you would take the one like, oh my god.

942
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:48,839
Speaker 1: I needed to find out what was going on within me.

943
00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:51,000
Speaker 1: So in order to do that, I had to do

944
00:46:51,080 --> 00:46:53,960
Speaker 1: something for me. It had nothing to do it wasn't

945
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:55,680
Speaker 1: about me, it wasn't about you, which I had a

946
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:57,279
Speaker 1: hard time dealing with that first because I felt like

947
00:46:57,280 --> 00:46:58,520
Speaker 1: you should have been able to at least tell me

948
00:46:58,560 --> 00:47:00,280
Speaker 1: you were going to see a therapist, which is actuly

949
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:01,920
Speaker 1: why I didn't want to say anything. And I think

950
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:04,359
Speaker 1: it's okay for people to sometimes in life, because this

951
00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:06,680
Speaker 1: is my life, even though we're sharing it together, make

952
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:09,239
Speaker 1: decisions about my life that's gonna better me so I

953
00:47:09,280 --> 00:47:12,319
Speaker 1: can be a better version of myself for you, absolutely,

954
00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:14,840
Speaker 1: you know. And because we also talked about not relying

955
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:17,040
Speaker 1: on somebody else to be the sole source of your happiness,

956
00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 1: eis exactly. And if that's the case, he needed to

957
00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:22,200
Speaker 1: look for some way, you know, some other outside source

958
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:25,600
Speaker 1: to help him realize why he wasn't happy with himself

959
00:47:25,920 --> 00:47:27,960
Speaker 1: and that had nothing to do with me. And that's

960
00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:29,680
Speaker 1: something that I had to realize and stop being so

961
00:47:29,760 --> 00:47:32,239
Speaker 1: selfish and you know, making it about me when it

962
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:34,560
Speaker 1: really wasn't about me. So maybe encourage him if he's

963
00:47:34,600 --> 00:47:37,080
Speaker 1: open to it. Um, you know, see if you know,

964
00:47:37,120 --> 00:47:39,359
Speaker 1: you guys can speak with someone about this topic and stuff,

965
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:41,600
Speaker 1: because I'm sure that's super uncomfortable living like that, like

966
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:45,040
Speaker 1: even the debit cardpin. It's like, seriously, see all of

967
00:47:45,160 --> 00:47:46,919
Speaker 1: all of this stuff, all all the stuff that she's

968
00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:49,759
Speaker 1: saying that he's accusing her of that don't matter. What

969
00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:52,280
Speaker 1: really matters that he has some issues he needs to unpack.

970
00:47:52,719 --> 00:47:55,640
Speaker 1: And the way they're discussing is discussing this is not

971
00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:58,680
Speaker 1: a way that they can seek resolution. That's what was

972
00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:01,520
Speaker 1: going on with us before. I why my therapist every

973
00:48:01,520 --> 00:48:03,920
Speaker 1: time we spoke, I used to say, to continue, you

974
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:06,919
Speaker 1: get so defensive, You get so defensive, to the point

975
00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:09,600
Speaker 1: where I stopped talking to her because I didn't want

976
00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:12,319
Speaker 1: to hear her defend why she did something that hurt me.

977
00:48:12,760 --> 00:48:15,000
Speaker 1: And to me, I wasn't being defensive. I was just

978
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:18,319
Speaker 1: explaining to you why I felt the way I felt,

979
00:48:18,360 --> 00:48:20,759
Speaker 1: or why I did a particular act. I feel like

980
00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:22,480
Speaker 1: if I do something, or if I say something, I

981
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:24,839
Speaker 1: should be able to explain to you how I arrived there.

982
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:26,360
Speaker 1: And if I wasn't trying to hear that, he just

983
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:29,239
Speaker 1: wasn't labeled me defensive, and that bothered me, and it

984
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:30,640
Speaker 1: still kind of bothers me now when I hear it,

985
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:32,560
Speaker 1: because it makes me a little excited. But I'm just like,

986
00:48:32,600 --> 00:48:34,200
Speaker 1: you know, I want you. I want to explain the

987
00:48:34,239 --> 00:48:36,920
Speaker 1: full picture here, not just you know, the ending of

988
00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:39,640
Speaker 1: the story. How did I arrive at this story ending?

989
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:42,839
Speaker 1: What I learned through therapy was that the way I

990
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:46,759
Speaker 1: feel and how I feel, it's all on me. Her

991
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:49,279
Speaker 1: telling me why she did what she did is not

992
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:52,960
Speaker 1: defending herself. It's just her giving her truth. How I

993
00:48:53,000 --> 00:48:55,440
Speaker 1: received her truth is not up to her, that's up

994
00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:57,920
Speaker 1: to me. I learned that in therapy I had to

995
00:48:57,920 --> 00:49:00,719
Speaker 1: work on how I received her truth. If I'm only

996
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 1: willing to receive her truth as defense, I'm never gonna

997
00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:06,200
Speaker 1: hear what her truth is. And that's what these guys

998
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,800
Speaker 1: are going through. You guys, I think you should see therapy,

999
00:49:08,840 --> 00:49:12,000
Speaker 1: whether it's him by himself or as you together. I

1000
00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:14,120
Speaker 1: think that he definitely needs to speak to a professional

1001
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:16,080
Speaker 1: about what he's going through. This way they can learn

1002
00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:18,360
Speaker 1: how to discuss Because Kenia, right now, I don't go

1003
00:49:18,400 --> 00:49:20,719
Speaker 1: to therapists anymore, but now I know how to deal

1004
00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:22,239
Speaker 1: with what she's telling me, and she knows how to

1005
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:24,000
Speaker 1: take what It doesn't have to be a long term thing,

1006
00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:25,440
Speaker 1: but it can be just a couple of sessions in

1007
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:28,720
Speaker 1: just to kind of unpack certain things and our culture

1008
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:32,080
Speaker 1: is not is not very kind to or open to

1009
00:49:32,120 --> 00:49:34,560
Speaker 1: the idea of therapy. They think it's you know, sharing

1010
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,680
Speaker 1: your problems and talking and showing a sign of weakness.

1011
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,520
Speaker 1: I wasn't totally be the opposite. I thought it was

1012
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:41,239
Speaker 1: a waste of money. I thought it. I thought it

1013
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:44,080
Speaker 1: was I thought it was just you know a thing

1014
00:49:44,080 --> 00:49:46,160
Speaker 1: that quote unquote white people do. White people go in therapy.

1015
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:48,080
Speaker 1: I don't need therapy. I'm strong, like I'm a man.

1016
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:49,960
Speaker 1: You know, just what I do, I'll deal with it.

1017
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:51,880
Speaker 1: But when I got to the point where I couldn't

1018
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:54,759
Speaker 1: deal with it, and the worst was when I did

1019
00:49:54,840 --> 00:49:57,400
Speaker 1: not want to come home and I had to choose

1020
00:49:57,400 --> 00:50:01,759
Speaker 1: between not seeing my kids and being out or being

1021
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:04,439
Speaker 1: home seeing my kids and dealing with the issues we had.

1022
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:06,600
Speaker 1: At that point, it was like, you know what, I

1023
00:50:06,600 --> 00:50:09,000
Speaker 1: gotta I gotta try something new because if it if

1024
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:10,920
Speaker 1: it means that I'm missing time with my boys because

1025
00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:13,879
Speaker 1: I'm out just trying to, you know, get away from

1026
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,839
Speaker 1: what we're dealing with, that's not good for them. So

1027
00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:18,879
Speaker 1: for sure, aren't good luck to y'all. Question number two,

1028
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:21,360
Speaker 1: what do you do if there is no intimacy? I

1029
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:24,520
Speaker 1: try to send nice little text messages, do little nice things,

1030
00:50:24,520 --> 00:50:26,799
Speaker 1: but it seems like he is clueless. I know he

1031
00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:29,040
Speaker 1: loves me, but he doesn't show love. He is not

1032
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:31,440
Speaker 1: romantic at all. I tried talking to him, but I

1033
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:34,040
Speaker 1: sound like a broken record. If we sleep with each other,

1034
00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:37,160
Speaker 1: I always have to start it. I'm very upset. I

1035
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,960
Speaker 1: want to feel like I wanted. I also ask him

1036
00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:41,560
Speaker 1: is it me, and he claims that it's not me,

1037
00:50:41,640 --> 00:50:44,839
Speaker 1: He's just tired. I see he gives other females compliments

1038
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:47,400
Speaker 1: and say nice things to others, but not me. What

1039
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:51,080
Speaker 1: should I do? This is coming from a woman so

1040
00:50:51,120 --> 00:50:54,840
Speaker 1: pretty much she feels as if she's not getting the

1041
00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:58,200
Speaker 1: attention and the intimacy from her husband. Wow. I wonder

1042
00:50:58,239 --> 00:50:59,640
Speaker 1: what her guts telling her, because you know, we always

1043
00:50:59,640 --> 00:51:01,880
Speaker 1: talked about female gut in her intuition, and I'm like,

1044
00:51:01,920 --> 00:51:04,000
Speaker 1: what is her her gut telling her? She's telling her

1045
00:51:04,040 --> 00:51:06,560
Speaker 1: that maybe he's you know, eyes are roaming, or his

1046
00:51:06,640 --> 00:51:10,520
Speaker 1: legs are walking elsewhere or not, you know. And it's

1047
00:51:10,560 --> 00:51:12,239
Speaker 1: it's a hard thing to not be desired. I think

1048
00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:14,120
Speaker 1: it's not just a man, it's not just a woman thing.

1049
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:16,840
Speaker 1: It can be a person thing that the want or

1050
00:51:16,880 --> 00:51:20,000
Speaker 1: the desire to feel like you're wanted and you're attracted

1051
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:23,399
Speaker 1: to or someone is attracted to you. Um so that's rough.

1052
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:26,600
Speaker 1: That's rough. Um well, I don't know, as a man,

1053
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:29,120
Speaker 1: what do you think about because as a woman, I

1054
00:51:29,239 --> 00:51:32,080
Speaker 1: I don't know what that's like to not feel not

1055
00:51:34,080 --> 00:51:36,120
Speaker 1: because you stay on my ass. But I do hear

1056
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:38,879
Speaker 1: that sometimes from I have no I know actually somebody

1057
00:51:38,920 --> 00:51:41,359
Speaker 1: who comes to mind who feels that way as well. Well,

1058
00:51:41,360 --> 00:51:43,120
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean he could be feeling a certain way.

1059
00:51:43,120 --> 00:51:44,640
Speaker 1: For example, there were a point, there was a point

1060
00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:48,200
Speaker 1: in our relationship even recently, this this past summer, where

1061
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:50,920
Speaker 1: I felt like you weren't paying attention to my needs.

1062
00:51:51,520 --> 00:51:54,200
Speaker 1: So in turn, I was leaving it up to you

1063
00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:57,040
Speaker 1: to initiate everything. Remember, I was just like, you know

1064
00:51:57,080 --> 00:51:59,319
Speaker 1: what you initiated. If you want to do things your way,

1065
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:01,799
Speaker 1: I'm to just wait for you to initiate it. And

1066
00:52:02,560 --> 00:52:04,560
Speaker 1: it was petty. I know it was petty, but I

1067
00:52:04,600 --> 00:52:06,799
Speaker 1: was doing it to get my point across. You know

1068
00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:08,839
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I was doing because that's what married

1069
00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:12,359
Speaker 1: people do. Yes, we're mad, petty, pet and we're trying

1070
00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:13,640
Speaker 1: to figure it out, and it's just like, well, we're

1071
00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:15,400
Speaker 1: gonna see how long this is gonna last? How long

1072
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:17,440
Speaker 1: are those drawers gonna stay on the floor in the

1073
00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:19,399
Speaker 1: side of the bed and before del picks them up?

1074
00:52:19,560 --> 00:52:21,360
Speaker 1: Little things? I see how you deflect and push this

1075
00:52:21,400 --> 00:52:23,000
Speaker 1: to my drawers on the side of the bed when

1076
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:26,120
Speaker 1: we were initially talking about getting the draws. Sorry, I

1077
00:52:26,120 --> 00:52:28,520
Speaker 1: had to get that out. You're feeling something that I

1078
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:30,719
Speaker 1: picked my draws up this morning. You probably didn't know.

1079
00:52:30,760 --> 00:52:35,640
Speaker 1: They probably still probably still didn't, but probably she needed

1080
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:37,480
Speaker 1: to stay out my drawers and stay on my room,

1081
00:52:38,520 --> 00:52:41,480
Speaker 1: my room man. But back to helping home girl out. Yes,

1082
00:52:41,800 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like it's it's tough because

1083
00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:46,360
Speaker 1: if if he's the type of man who doesn't speak

1084
00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:48,560
Speaker 1: on things, which it sounds like it sounds like he

1085
00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:50,680
Speaker 1: doesn't doesn't speak on things, and he said he's tired

1086
00:52:50,719 --> 00:52:52,600
Speaker 1: this and this and that, I think she should try

1087
00:52:52,640 --> 00:52:55,399
Speaker 1: some different things first to get his attention. If she's

1088
00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 1: exhausted all those things, I think they should see therapy

1089
00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:02,560
Speaker 1: talk about they have sex therapists to talk about intimacy.

1090
00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:04,000
Speaker 1: Are they married? Did she say if they were married?

1091
00:53:04,080 --> 00:53:06,279
Speaker 1: Or they are married? Okay, they are married? So and

1092
00:53:06,280 --> 00:53:08,279
Speaker 1: then you know it's hard being a married couple, they

1093
00:53:08,280 --> 00:53:11,760
Speaker 1: have children. Sometimes there's the monotony that happens in life

1094
00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:14,000
Speaker 1: just going from day to day because there's a routine

1095
00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:16,040
Speaker 1: and there's you know, maybe switching up the routine a bit,

1096
00:53:16,040 --> 00:53:18,520
Speaker 1: and I would want to ask her, you know, says,

1097
00:53:18,680 --> 00:53:20,160
Speaker 1: what are you doing to make sure that he is

1098
00:53:20,160 --> 00:53:22,480
Speaker 1: paying attention? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you?

1099
00:53:23,920 --> 00:53:26,239
Speaker 1: I think I think that's super important. I mean, you know,

1100
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,560
Speaker 1: I don't think. I don't think it's a shallow thing,

1101
00:53:29,600 --> 00:53:32,880
Speaker 1: but I do think that looks are important. Being attracted

1102
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:35,239
Speaker 1: to your significant other throughout the marriage or the course

1103
00:53:35,239 --> 00:53:38,520
Speaker 1: of your relationship is important. Taking care of yourself is important.

1104
00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:41,040
Speaker 1: It's funny my mom had said to me after I

1105
00:53:41,080 --> 00:53:43,640
Speaker 1: had Jackson. She was like, okay, you know, just make

1106
00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:45,320
Speaker 1: sure you keep yourself together because you're your mom, but

1107
00:53:45,360 --> 00:53:48,279
Speaker 1: you're also you know, a wife too, you know which

1108
00:53:48,280 --> 00:53:49,880
Speaker 1: is you know, And she made it clear to me, like,

1109
00:53:49,920 --> 00:53:51,840
Speaker 1: you know, make sure you keep yourself together. And that

1110
00:53:51,880 --> 00:53:53,400
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that I had to be the size to

1111
00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:56,960
Speaker 1: to development you know, years prior, but like you had

1112
00:53:57,000 --> 00:54:01,399
Speaker 1: a six to eight, Like when you be think like that,

1113
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:05,280
Speaker 1: thank you because I'll never be a class too again.

1114
00:54:05,560 --> 00:54:07,520
Speaker 1: But it's just you know, it's just like you don't

1115
00:54:07,560 --> 00:54:09,719
Speaker 1: expect that, but you do expect as you evolve and

1116
00:54:09,719 --> 00:54:11,880
Speaker 1: as you grow to just take care of yourself. Sometimes

1117
00:54:11,880 --> 00:54:13,759
Speaker 1: little things like that can go a long way. I

1118
00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:16,240
Speaker 1: don't know if there's an attraction thing that's missing, because

1119
00:54:16,239 --> 00:54:19,920
Speaker 1: she said he does complement other women about things, you know,

1120
00:54:20,040 --> 00:54:22,080
Speaker 1: so maybe there's something missing there on her and maybe

1121
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:24,239
Speaker 1: she needs to be doing something on her part to

1122
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:27,200
Speaker 1: help kind of job that in him. You know, I

1123
00:54:27,239 --> 00:54:29,520
Speaker 1: do believe there's a responsibility in a relationship. You know.

1124
00:54:29,600 --> 00:54:32,320
Speaker 1: Sometimes I get flat for saying like, oh, the women

1125
00:54:32,360 --> 00:54:35,000
Speaker 1: should be taking accountability for their roll in it, But

1126
00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:37,000
Speaker 1: I believe that it's very important to do that. You

1127
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:38,840
Speaker 1: can't be with a man and expect for him to

1128
00:54:38,920 --> 00:54:42,080
Speaker 1: just still be that into you if you're not taking

1129
00:54:42,120 --> 00:54:43,800
Speaker 1: care of yourself and holding up your end of the bargain,

1130
00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:45,960
Speaker 1: and it goes the other way it does? You know?

1131
00:54:46,320 --> 00:54:47,520
Speaker 1: That would be in the gym trying to keep it

1132
00:54:47,560 --> 00:54:50,200
Speaker 1: together for me at about my back fat all the time.

1133
00:54:52,640 --> 00:54:54,520
Speaker 1: When I walk out the shower, do you be like oh,

1134
00:54:54,719 --> 00:54:57,680
Speaker 1: or do you be like exactly, I'm just like the

1135
00:54:57,680 --> 00:54:59,040
Speaker 1: gym again. And I was like, oh, I'm in the

1136
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:01,719
Speaker 1: Oreole Island. Know he love oreos, but that might add

1137
00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:03,080
Speaker 1: to his back fat. So I don't know if I

1138
00:55:03,080 --> 00:55:07,880
Speaker 1: should get the Oreos today. Ores, But I think I

1139
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,200
Speaker 1: think intimacy is always a tough topic for married couples

1140
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:14,839
Speaker 1: get together along that appearance is definitely one thing, but um,

1141
00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:16,279
Speaker 1: there are also other things that have nothing to do

1142
00:55:16,320 --> 00:55:18,920
Speaker 1: with appearance, Like right now, I feel like you're a

1143
00:55:19,280 --> 00:55:21,440
Speaker 1: tent as a tent can be. I feel like you're perfect.

1144
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:24,200
Speaker 1: But we have our intimacy issues where it's just how

1145
00:55:24,239 --> 00:55:27,799
Speaker 1: it's initiated. You send text messages and you try to

1146
00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:30,359
Speaker 1: get me in the mood and then you just want

1147
00:55:30,400 --> 00:55:33,399
Speaker 1: to get in the bed at night after watching TV

1148
00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:36,480
Speaker 1: and just roll over and have sex. Men aren't into that,

1149
00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:39,239
Speaker 1: and this is what women need to understand. You may

1150
00:55:39,280 --> 00:55:41,160
Speaker 1: not want to hear it because you may think that

1151
00:55:41,160 --> 00:55:43,200
Speaker 1: that's you know, I don't want to hear this. Misogynistic

1152
00:55:43,480 --> 00:55:46,759
Speaker 1: men like the Chase. Men want excitement. Men want to

1153
00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:48,479
Speaker 1: feel like they did when they were in their prime

1154
00:55:48,520 --> 00:55:50,240
Speaker 1: and they were trying to get all these different women.

1155
00:55:50,480 --> 00:55:52,680
Speaker 1: They kind of want to have that same, that same

1156
00:55:52,719 --> 00:55:55,040
Speaker 1: adventure with the women they spend the rest of their

1157
00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:57,800
Speaker 1: life with so it's not like, Okay, it's seven o'clock,

1158
00:55:57,840 --> 00:56:01,839
Speaker 1: it's Thursday sex time. Oh seven o'clock Thursday, next week

1159
00:56:02,120 --> 00:56:05,000
Speaker 1: sex time. That gets boring. And when that starts to happen,

1160
00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:06,440
Speaker 1: it's not like I'm not in a mood Like I'm

1161
00:56:06,440 --> 00:56:09,000
Speaker 1: not in a mood for that. I really don't. I'll pass,

1162
00:56:09,560 --> 00:56:12,400
Speaker 1: I'll pass. I remember um I talked about resetting the

1163
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:15,040
Speaker 1: freak level. The first couple of times I passed on

1164
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:17,440
Speaker 1: sex for Cadine and he was like, that was like what.

1165
00:56:17,600 --> 00:56:20,440
Speaker 1: My head did a whole like three sixty on my

1166
00:56:20,480 --> 00:56:23,960
Speaker 1: body and I was like, you passed? What that was

1167
00:56:24,000 --> 00:56:28,480
Speaker 1: me being petty because I was paying. He just knocked

1168
00:56:28,480 --> 00:56:31,240
Speaker 1: on me. He just knocked on me, y'all. He knocked

1169
00:56:31,239 --> 00:56:33,400
Speaker 1: on me. And I was like, this cannot be happening

1170
00:56:33,480 --> 00:56:34,960
Speaker 1: right now. I didn't and I didn't want to knock

1171
00:56:34,960 --> 00:56:38,000
Speaker 1: on you. It was a lot. It was a lot, like, oh, guys,

1172
00:56:38,040 --> 00:56:39,840
Speaker 1: it was a lot to me. But he was knocking

1173
00:56:39,880 --> 00:56:41,640
Speaker 1: at my door. I was, but I had to prove

1174
00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:45,120
Speaker 1: my point. That's that's part of petty marriage. Marriage. This

1175
00:56:45,360 --> 00:56:48,040
Speaker 1: was being petty, but just so many different things that

1176
00:56:48,080 --> 00:56:49,720
Speaker 1: could be a part of it. One like case ses,

1177
00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:52,440
Speaker 1: make sure that you are in you know, keeping up

1178
00:56:52,480 --> 00:56:54,799
Speaker 1: with yourself and making sure you're the best version of

1179
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:58,719
Speaker 1: yourself so that he can stay interested and also find

1180
00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:01,879
Speaker 1: out what things interest him, because your version of what

1181
00:57:02,080 --> 00:57:04,920
Speaker 1: may interest him may not be his version of what

1182
00:57:05,040 --> 00:57:07,680
Speaker 1: interests him. And it's funny because we have to do

1183
00:57:07,680 --> 00:57:10,080
Speaker 1: the same thing with our wives. Like things that I

1184
00:57:10,120 --> 00:57:13,799
Speaker 1: think are sexy could be like Na Son, I was like,

1185
00:57:14,360 --> 00:57:17,160
Speaker 1: I think that was sexy at all. Son, I'll take

1186
00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:19,240
Speaker 1: a pass on that one. Just recently devout trying to

1187
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:20,600
Speaker 1: do something to me. And he was like, but you

1188
00:57:20,680 --> 00:57:22,440
Speaker 1: used to like that, Like I was like, yeah, but

1189
00:57:22,480 --> 00:57:26,200
Speaker 1: not no more. No more. Times change change. You got

1190
00:57:26,280 --> 00:57:28,320
Speaker 1: a roll with the role with the punches. That used

1191
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:29,640
Speaker 1: to be my move right there. I used to that

1192
00:57:29,720 --> 00:57:32,560
Speaker 1: used to be my move. That's all right, It's like

1193
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:37,080
Speaker 1: to bury that one, but continue to grow and learn

1194
00:57:37,160 --> 00:57:39,600
Speaker 1: each other, speak to each other for sure, and try

1195
00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:41,480
Speaker 1: different things, trying to switch it up a little business.

1196
00:57:41,520 --> 00:57:44,160
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take my own advice because you know, this

1197
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:49,360
Speaker 1: guy over here like a little variety. As I'm working

1198
00:57:49,360 --> 00:57:51,400
Speaker 1: on my acting chops again and you know, getting back

1199
00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:55,640
Speaker 1: into I got a different wigs she didn't mention role play. Yeah,

1200
00:57:55,760 --> 00:57:57,120
Speaker 1: you know, it's not got a couple different wigs. It

1201
00:57:57,120 --> 00:57:59,560
Speaker 1: depends on who he's trying to see at that particular time.

1202
00:57:59,720 --> 00:58:01,680
Speaker 1: You know, I'm trying to find some little funny things

1203
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:04,840
Speaker 1: to do and things to do keep ad at Yes,

1204
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,160
Speaker 1: for sure, so listen. If you want to be featured

1205
00:58:07,240 --> 00:58:09,280
Speaker 1: is one of our listeners on our listener letters, just

1206
00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:12,080
Speaker 1: email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.

1207
00:58:12,200 --> 00:58:15,560
Speaker 1: That's d E A D A S S A d

1208
00:58:15,800 --> 00:58:20,960
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. Nice, And

1209
00:58:21,280 --> 00:58:23,960
Speaker 1: that moves us into the moment of truth where we

1210
00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:27,160
Speaker 1: tie up the show, put a big bow on top,

1211
00:58:27,560 --> 00:58:30,680
Speaker 1: and you tell me what is your biggest takeaway from

1212
00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:34,840
Speaker 1: this entire episode. My biggest takeaway first and foremost is

1213
00:58:34,840 --> 00:58:37,320
Speaker 1: that I understand what my mom and your mom was

1214
00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:40,480
Speaker 1: doing when we met at a young age, because we

1215
00:58:40,560 --> 00:58:43,080
Speaker 1: met at eighteen years old. So your mom was a

1216
00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:46,040
Speaker 1: pit bull, my mom was a rott Waller, and they

1217
00:58:46,080 --> 00:58:49,480
Speaker 1: were guarding their prize possession, which is their daughters. So

1218
00:58:50,800 --> 00:58:53,760
Speaker 1: for them, it was trying to find out the most

1219
00:58:53,840 --> 00:58:57,560
Speaker 1: important aspects of the people outside of oh the looks.

1220
00:58:57,800 --> 00:58:59,720
Speaker 1: And they're in love and they love each other. And

1221
00:58:59,720 --> 00:59:02,360
Speaker 1: they're satuated. They wanted to get to the nitty gritty,

1222
00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:05,840
Speaker 1: and I realized that you have to have these important

1223
00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:10,720
Speaker 1: conversations with the people you're dating. If you're thinking long term, religion, politics, credit,

1224
00:59:10,800 --> 00:59:15,120
Speaker 1: wanting children, mental health very very important, speak about it,

1225
00:59:15,440 --> 00:59:18,080
Speaker 1: own your truth. If you win it, get it up,

1226
00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:20,760
Speaker 1: get together. If not, move on and find somebody else.

1227
00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:23,600
Speaker 1: For sure. For sure, I think that kind of seguags

1228
00:59:23,600 --> 00:59:25,240
Speaker 1: into my moment of truth when I was thinking about

1229
00:59:25,280 --> 00:59:27,520
Speaker 1: the mask. We talked about the mask with mental health,

1230
00:59:27,560 --> 00:59:29,800
Speaker 1: but just the mask in general. A lot of us

1231
00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:33,120
Speaker 1: wear masks around here, you know, when we're dating and

1232
00:59:33,120 --> 00:59:36,240
Speaker 1: we're talking and we're interacting with people. Um and and

1233
00:59:36,280 --> 00:59:38,360
Speaker 1: sometimes that's for valid reasons. You feel like you want

1234
00:59:38,360 --> 00:59:40,800
Speaker 1: to guard yourself and you feel like you're better off

1235
00:59:40,920 --> 00:59:44,400
Speaker 1: kind of keeping things to yourself because it's better for you,

1236
00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:46,120
Speaker 1: or you know, you kind of want to be that

1237
00:59:46,400 --> 00:59:49,960
Speaker 1: observer first, you know, versus the person who's quick to

1238
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:53,320
Speaker 1: speak um. But kind of opening that up and you know,

1239
00:59:53,600 --> 00:59:55,760
Speaker 1: feeling comfortable and knowing who you can take the mask

1240
00:59:55,840 --> 00:59:59,000
Speaker 1: off with. It's very important. Um And it may not

1241
00:59:59,040 --> 01:00:01,560
Speaker 1: happen in the very beginning of a dating relationship. You know. Again,

1242
01:00:01,600 --> 01:00:03,160
Speaker 1: I don't know what much about what the dating scene

1243
01:00:03,200 --> 01:00:05,320
Speaker 1: is like, but from what I hear from single friends,

1244
01:00:05,360 --> 01:00:10,680
Speaker 1: it's sometimes hard to do that wall to discuss these things.

1245
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:12,800
Speaker 1: That's dope, you know, even if you guys like cock

1246
01:00:12,840 --> 01:00:14,280
Speaker 1: it to the side real quick just to kind of

1247
01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:16,240
Speaker 1: peek out and see can I do this or can

1248
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,680
Speaker 1: I not? You know, and then looking for signs and

1249
01:00:18,720 --> 01:00:21,400
Speaker 1: looking for triggers within a person or within a relationship

1250
01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:23,960
Speaker 1: or in with a conversation where you may feel comfortable

1251
01:00:24,040 --> 01:00:29,240
Speaker 1: or not divulging certain things. So um, that's my takeaway

1252
01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:32,240
Speaker 1: from today's show is um trying to see you know

1253
01:00:32,320 --> 01:00:35,240
Speaker 1: what that mask looks like. Yeah, people take your masks off, man,

1254
01:00:35,360 --> 01:00:37,960
Speaker 1: if you really, if you're really about this, this millennial

1255
01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:42,040
Speaker 1: dating life and building a legacy, creating a future with

1256
01:00:42,120 --> 01:00:44,360
Speaker 1: someone else, men, take the mask off. Talking about these

1257
01:00:44,400 --> 01:00:47,720
Speaker 1: topics for sure, And be sure to follow us on

1258
01:00:47,800 --> 01:00:52,520
Speaker 1: social media. That's I am Devout and cadeine I am.

1259
01:00:52,600 --> 01:00:54,880
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to

1260
01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:57,480
Speaker 1: rate review because we love to hear your feedback and

1261
01:00:57,520 --> 01:00:59,880
Speaker 1: what you like and what we can improve are Also,

1262
01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:02,760
Speaker 1: don't forget to hit that subscribe button. That way we

1263
01:01:02,800 --> 01:01:05,640
Speaker 1: can get new episodes out and they automatically download to

1264
01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:12,360
Speaker 1: your phone. Dead As dead Ass is a production of Stitcher.

1265
01:01:12,440 --> 01:01:15,560
Speaker 1: It's produced by T Square and Donora Penya. Our associate

1266
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:19,280
Speaker 1: producers are Kristen Tourists and Trouble. Our studio engineers are

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Speaker 1: Brendan Burns and Andy, Kristen's daughter. Attention all dead Ass listeners.

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Speaker 1: We have a special announcement. I repeat a special announcement.

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Speaker 1: Why are you screaming out? Our listeners? They can hear you.

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Speaker 1: The only thing I gotta make sure they hear me

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Speaker 1: because we are taking our show on the road for

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Speaker 1: two nights only dead Ass. On Thursday, November twenty one,

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Speaker 1: we will be at the Underground Arts in Philly, and

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Speaker 1: on Friday, November twenty two, we'll be back in our hometown, Boklyn. Baby.

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Speaker 1: That's right. Tickets are available right now. Special guests will

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Speaker 1: be announce soon, so get your tickets at dead as

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Speaker 1: podcast dot com. You don't want to miss it. We'll back.

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Speaker 1: I'm Drew McGarry and I'm David Roth. We have a

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Speaker 1: podcast going on right now. It's part of the stitchen

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Speaker 1: netwhere called Substraction. That's available Everywhere gets a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,

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Speaker 1: Apple Go. Listen right now to the distraction, right now,

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Speaker 1: it's out. Do it, please,