Speaker 1: Attention Shoppers.
Speaker 2: Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about
Speaker 2: a finitional big box store. Any similarity to real stores
Speaker 2: or real people is completely coincidental.
Speaker 3: Okay, well, I have y'all in here in the break
Speaker 3: room before we open the store. I'm gonna do a
Speaker 3: couple of announcements to get us started off here. And
Speaker 3: remember there's no feed up on the tables here in
Speaker 3: the breakroom, especially without your shoes on. But just in general,
Speaker 3: and hey, Victor, we got this wet spot here. I
Speaker 3: think we need to put out the caution wet floor
Speaker 3: sign right here, thank you very much. And how come
Speaker 3: all the chairs are all at this one table? Guys,
Speaker 3: we need to evenly distribute the chairs.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 4: I don't want like a popular click that I'm not
Speaker 4: in all hanging out at one table. Okay, Like we
Speaker 4: can all hang out together, in fact, even after hours,
Speaker 4: if anybody he wants to like hang or like just
Speaker 4: go to the bar or chat or just you know,
Speaker 4: straight out chill, like hit me up, because like I'm around.
Speaker 5: Lewis nothing We don't say everything by.
Speaker 6: Okay, y'all, I thought it would be really fun if
Speaker 6: we played a little game today, okay, And what I
Speaker 6: thought we could do is that each of us could
Speaker 6: state a goal that we have for our work here
Speaker 6: at Buy Well.
Speaker 1: Today, I'll start to give you an example of what
Speaker 1: I mean. Okay, I want to make at least three
Speaker 1: customers smile today.
Speaker 7: By completely leaving them alone.
Speaker 3: All right, that's Robert. Do you have a goal that
Speaker 3: you'd like to share? Yeah, okay, go ahead, Yeah, I'm
Speaker 3: gonna find a better job.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 3: Well, if you're gonna find a better job, please do
Speaker 3: that on your lunch break, Liz.
Speaker 7: I mean, on a personal level, I really want to
Speaker 7: try to get down to four diet cokes a day,
Speaker 7: down from six, if I can do it. Fingers crossed.
Speaker 7: But I think I'm also going to send my store
Speaker 7: manager an article about loneliness so he can see that
Speaker 7: some of these woo woo activities he plans for us
Speaker 7: are really just a cry for help.
Speaker 3: Well, I think this has been really fun and really useful.
Speaker 6: And oh hey, Arnold, Hi, Hi, everybody, so nice of
Speaker 6: you to join us.
Speaker 1: Where were Arnold?
Speaker 5: I just added the loading dock smoking my morning cigarette.
Speaker 3: Okay, Well, although you are allowed to smoke on the
Speaker 3: loading dock, you really miss out on a lot of
Speaker 3: the fun we are having here in the break room now.
Speaker 5: Jerry, I'm hearing all of it. I leave that door
Speaker 5: cracked open. I can hear everything y'all are talking about.
Speaker 7: So if we go smoke on the loading dock, we
Speaker 7: don't need to be here for this morning meeting. Team
Speaker 7: building garbage is what you're saying.
Speaker 8: You onto something. Oh, I gotta go, Yeah, I do that.
Speaker 7: I probably have a couple of old cigarettes. I'm just
Speaker 7: gonna go check my laun.
Speaker 5: No, I guess I could have tea tea, a couple
Speaker 5: more guys.
Speaker 1: Hey, guys, are you okay? Okay?
Speaker 5: Oh lord, Robert, there are too many damn blue haired
Speaker 5: old ladies in the store today. I tell you, looked
Speaker 5: out there and it looked like a damn bowl of
Speaker 5: Frankenberry cereal.
Speaker 9: This country too old as it is. Did you see
Speaker 9: Mitch McConnell at the press conference? He just went blank.
Speaker 9: They asked him if he was running for re election,
Speaker 9: and he just shut down and just started staring at
Speaker 9: the wall like he was looking off in space, like
Speaker 9: he was here and kill bill, Sirren's.
Speaker 5: You don't have to steer it back to him. He
Speaker 5: is overwhelmed. He's not like these old bitches driving around
Speaker 5: with nothing to do but slow people down at the checkout.
Speaker 5: He's in charge of making sure Congress doesn't do nothing.
Speaker 7: Yeah, Republicans are so worried about the woke ma. Meanwhile,
Speaker 7: their minority leader can't stay awake.
Speaker 8: You know what.
Speaker 10: Honestly, Liz, maybe he just thought it was a stupid question,
Speaker 10: all right, And then fact that is a power move.
Speaker 5: All right.
Speaker 10: Next time you ask me if I'm done with the
Speaker 10: coffee machine, I'm just gonna stare off into space for
Speaker 10: thirty seconds.
Speaker 1: I love this.
Speaker 7: I love it too. I don't get to hear you
Speaker 7: talk for thirty seconds. The Republicans won't let this guy
Speaker 7: step down because they don't want to lose his seat
Speaker 7: in Congress. They'd rather that seat be covered in urine.
Speaker 5: Oh, y'all so quick to jump on Mitch McConnell. He's
Speaker 5: only a year older than Biden, y'all. When Mitch McConnell
Speaker 5: gets light headed, maybe he stops talking. Biden, However, he'll
Speaker 5: just keep running his mouth, yammering on about malarkey and
Speaker 5: whether the dead people are there or not. He is
Speaker 5: out and proud with his dementia. I'll give him that.
Speaker 9: Ms McConnell. I see why he's slowed down Congress. He's
Speaker 9: got a turtle face. It's just manifested. Is coming out
Speaker 9: Oo's works in mysterious ways. I just saw that new
Speaker 9: teenage mutant Ninja Turtles. You don't know how it affects people.
Speaker 7: I've been a Mitch McConnell hater for years, and I
Speaker 7: will say that of all the shitty things Mitch McConnell's done,
Speaker 7: making me feel sorry for him has got to be
Speaker 7: the worst.
Speaker 9: Wait a minute, isn't Mitch McConnell from Kentucky. That's the
Speaker 9: state that was fighting to keep up them Confederate statues, right,
Speaker 9: it only makes sense he wants to beat a statue hisself.
Speaker 7: Oh, he's trying to replace the statue.
Speaker 8: Yes, he is gonna freeze.
Speaker 9: They are gonna dip him in bronze and stand him
Speaker 9: up in the middle of some square somewhere where they
Speaker 9: used to sell black people.
Speaker 4: By Bright.
Speaker 5: Check it out.
Speaker 10: Got a package deal from a family trip. I'm excited.
Speaker 10: We're going to SeaWorld. Can't wait to go to sea World.
Speaker 10: They have a one part of the park where my
Speaker 10: kids can ride a dolphin like a jet ski.
Speaker 7: You right wingers love your trips. I mean, did you
Speaker 7: see where Clarence Thomas just admitted he took three trips
Speaker 7: on a private jet owned by Harlan Crowe.
Speaker 9: Hey, Harlan Crow, that's that donor guy right. I heard
Speaker 9: he took Clarence Thomas on like a whole trip to
Speaker 9: Indonesia on a yacht. It amazes me how bad some
Speaker 9: people want a black friend.
Speaker 5: I will say I am jealous of Clarence Thomas. I
Speaker 5: used to get offered vacations like that from the old
Speaker 5: rich gentlemen, but they were always working vacations, if you
Speaker 5: know what I mean. They would take me on a trip,
Speaker 5: and there is no ocean view that can't be ruined
Speaker 5: by a geriatric ball sack just dripping down.
Speaker 10: They do get longer with age, I've noticed, Oh honey,
Speaker 10: I know.
Speaker 9: They said, Harlan Crow pay for two years of private
Speaker 9: school and bought Clarence Thomas's mama house. And then this
Speaker 9: man just said that's what friends do. If that's what
Speaker 9: friends do, my friends ain't shit. I got terrible friends.
Speaker 9: They don't even pitch in when we go to Buffalo
Speaker 9: Wild Wind.
Speaker 5: I think that the gay Republicans and the Black Republicans
Speaker 5: have got to stick together. We are mythological creatures, unicorns
Speaker 5: and leprechauns. Baby, we can rub each other's bellies for
Speaker 5: good luck, you know it.
Speaker 9: Sometimes you could just tell if somebody evil man's name
Speaker 9: is Harlan crow That sounds like a John wickvillein Tim
Speaker 9: Bucks says, if Harlan Crowe saw Clarence Thomas without his
Speaker 9: judge rob On, he'd hand him his luggage. He's gonna
Speaker 9: find out. It's like when they treated Oprah crazy because
Speaker 9: she didn't have her hair done.
Speaker 10: Those damn meth heads just walked in the store again.
Speaker 10: Oh now, somebody better call over to pharmacy and tell
Speaker 10: him to lock up the pseudo fed baby.
Speaker 5: Well, don't blame me. I turned my location off when
Speaker 5: I come into work now because these damn tweakers follow
Speaker 5: me everywhere.
Speaker 8: Wow.
Speaker 5: But you know it's not just that, it's everything else
Speaker 5: in this country. They're making marijuana llegal everywhere, and it's
Speaker 5: the gateway I read where the Department of Health and
Speaker 5: Human Services just this last week they're trying to change
Speaker 5: the legal status of that damn marijuana, making it a
Speaker 5: schedule three instead of a schedule one. Drug changing that
Speaker 5: damn schedule more than they do down here at Bye.
Speaker 8: Well.
Speaker 10: I'm just concerned that marijuana is a gateway to other stuff,
Speaker 10: you know, you know, like anime, fish concerts.
Speaker 5: Oh lord, you tell me about it. I had some
Speaker 5: younger fella over one time. You put on fish for
Speaker 5: me Fish It sounded like somebody took three old guitars
Speaker 5: and dropped them down a waterfall.
Speaker 7: Whatever you guys. It should be legal, but it needs
Speaker 7: to be used responsibly. I mean, it can be both
Speaker 7: creative or destructive. Marijuana brought us Bob Marley, but it
Speaker 7: also brought us Russell Brand and I use I'm a
Speaker 7: cool mom, Okay. I sometimes have a little puff on
Speaker 7: a joint after the kids go to bed, or when
Speaker 7: I'm driving them to soccer practice, or maybe just like
Speaker 7: a little toke in the bathroom at the PTA meeting.
Speaker 7: I'm cool.
Speaker 8: We needs to be legal.
Speaker 9: I just hate that I can't buy it from the
Speaker 9: people that used to buy it from. I hate going
Speaker 9: to dispensaries. That's not how I like to buy drugs.
Speaker 9: I don't buy drugs with all the lights on. That's weird.
Speaker 9: You're supposed to buy drugs in a dimly lit trap
Speaker 9: house with one light on in the kitchen, and you
Speaker 9: can't really see what's going on, and you just stick
Speaker 9: your money in the light and then somebody hand comes
Speaker 9: out of the dark, grabs your money. It gives you
Speaker 9: what you want, and you leave. Stop trying to make
Speaker 9: this shit look like an apple store, Robert.
Speaker 5: Some of those trap houses sound familiar for different reasons
Speaker 5: to me. Where it's dark, there's one light bulb, you
Speaker 5: give somebody the money and they give you what you want.
Speaker 8: Good God, I never went that deep in there.
Speaker 5: Well neither did I, but it got that deep into me.
Speaker 7: Listen, weed is a soft drug, Okay, it's a Schedule two,
Speaker 7: Schedule three. Harder drugs are called schedule one drugs. And
Speaker 7: I get that cause, like, if you're smoking crack, it
Speaker 7: is like the only thing in your schedule. It's like
Speaker 7: the one thing, you know, Like every space in your
Speaker 7: day planner is like do crack, new crack, new crack,
Speaker 7: you know, like that's the one thing you're focused on.
Speaker 5: Hey, ronold girl, what you're doing out here? I didn't
Speaker 5: know you spoke?
Speaker 7: Well, I go in and out based on you know
Speaker 7: what's happening politically. But Jerry's always in the break room.
Speaker 7: So if I'm out here smoking, I'm not in there
Speaker 7: with Jerry. See how that works. See Timbo out there.
Speaker 5: The lord, Honey, why do you think I've been out
Speaker 5: here puffing on them all day?
Speaker 7: Damn, it's been years since we had a hot fork
Speaker 7: left operator out here.
Speaker 5: They usually come in here looking like a waffle house special.
Speaker 5: I don't know where they got him from. They dragged
Speaker 5: him from twenty four hour fitness. Maybe he's got an
Speaker 5: extra eight hours in the day.
Speaker 7: Lord, huh huh, yes, queen, go.
Speaker 5: Off now, girl, don't you go trying to make me
Speaker 5: your gay friend.
Speaker 7: ARNOLDA.
Speaker 5: I got enough of them down at the slapping dime,
Speaker 5: and I don't need none others that have long hair
Speaker 5: and don't got any whiskers.
Speaker 7: Please, Arnold, come on. There's like nobody fun in Harrisburg.
Speaker 7: I need you. I have so many opinions about drag racing.
Speaker 7: No one to talk to, honey.
Speaker 5: There's message boards.
Speaker 7: I can be fun.
Speaker 5: I'm looking for three things between the legs, honey, and
Speaker 5: you ain't got not one of them.
Speaker 10: Uh, little man drapped in here.
Speaker 5: The word we are just going out, Rich, m oh yeah,
Speaker 5: anyway we go love cigar?
Speaker 10: Yes it is. I love a QB after a hard
Speaker 10: day's work, one big fat qb.
Speaker 7: Well, first of all, it's ten am, and second of all,
Speaker 7: this is like the most offensive smell. Rich, Can you
Speaker 7: stand down wind of me? That thing is so gross.
Speaker 10: We're in a loading dock, there's no wind, liszt.
Speaker 1: We're not on a boat.
Speaker 7: Oh God, watching you suck on that thing is going
Speaker 7: to give me nightmares.
Speaker 9: I can't believe y'all out here smoking. It's bad for you.
Speaker 9: It destroys your lungs. It shortened your lifespan. That's why vight. Yeah,
Speaker 9: it's a lot safer. It's like the blue tooth of smoking,
Speaker 9: instead of inhaling smoke.
Speaker 8: You download.
Speaker 5: Hey, y'all, y'all aure Jerry, you damn fool you let
Speaker 5: the door.
Speaker 7: We had that propped.
Speaker 10: Now we got to walk quarter mile back to the front.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is a big stort. Anybody wanna give me
Speaker 1: one of those cigarettes, Liz? Can I have one of
Speaker 1: those Virginia slims off you?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 7: Here you go, Jerry, you could take my last one.
Speaker 7: I'm gonna start the walk around to the front. I'll
Speaker 7: let you guys in see you.
Speaker 10: Oh man, what a conundrum? Stay out here with Jerry
Speaker 10: or walk with Liz? Is this what hell is?
Speaker 5: Well, there's a short cut. There is a short cut.
Speaker 5: Y'all aren't gonna like it. If somebody can help me
Speaker 5: move this trash bag out of here. We can crawl
Speaker 5: in through the meat department trash chute and get in
Speaker 5: that way. But you're gonna be covered in pork all day.
Speaker 11: We just take a nice long pull off of this
Speaker 11: Virginia slim.
Speaker 1: I may have yeah, thank you, Robert. I may have
Speaker 1: let the wrong end.
Speaker 5: That's it. I'm gonna crawl in through the trash chute.
Speaker 5: I'm not sitting through this ship.
Speaker 8: I'll just walk around.
Speaker 1: Guys, they got.
Speaker 5: Anybody's still out there? Hello, God, damn it. I'm stuck
Speaker 5: in this damn thing like Lenny the pooh Me squeezed
Speaker 5: in here with a bunch of pigpeckers.
Speaker 10: Holy shit, bye.
Speaker 4: Bye way.
Speaker 9: This memo says our biwill has too much shrinkage. That's
Speaker 9: what they call shoplifting. Why they gotta make it a
Speaker 9: penis thing?
Speaker 5: Well, honey, don't come complaining to me. You know, if
Speaker 5: they were gonna make it a boob metaphor, they'd have
Speaker 5: to call it saggage and baggage. You wouldn't be happy
Speaker 5: about that either. But you know, also, unfortunately crime is
Speaker 5: up all over the damn country with Biden in charge.
Speaker 5: I don't know if you want to hear it, but
Speaker 5: just this last week in Chicago, there is a news
Speaker 5: crew reporting on a robbery and they got robbed themselves
Speaker 5: at gunpoint. Hand to god. I read about it right
Speaker 5: about it in a multicolored blog with American flags at
Speaker 5: the bottom. A couple of hamsters dancing.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I saw I saw that story too. Who were
Speaker 7: these guys gonna sell a stolen TV camera?
Speaker 5: To?
Speaker 7: Like? Are there criminals out there filming reality pilots? Are
Speaker 7: the gangster disciples trying to get a Bravo deal? What's
Speaker 7: the market for that?
Speaker 8: You know?
Speaker 10: I'm just gonna point it out. Obama spent a lot
Speaker 10: of time in Chicago.
Speaker 11: Mmm.
Speaker 10: I'm not sure how that's exactly connected with the robbery,
Speaker 10: but just want to point it out.
Speaker 7: A guy tried to rob me one time, but I
Speaker 7: just started talking about all of the socioeconomic injustices that
Speaker 7: had brought him to that point. In his life, and
Speaker 7: he decided it wasn't worth it and he just walked away.
Speaker 10: Clearly what this comes for as arming cameraman.
Speaker 5: All right.
Speaker 10: Luckily they're already familiar with the terms aim and shoot
Speaker 10: and the boom mic guy should have nune chucks. You
Speaker 10: can call him boom boom sticks. We make the whole
Speaker 10: thing work.
Speaker 9: I really hope they make their own news in it.
Speaker 9: That would be great. The criminals covering the crime. We're
Speaker 9: on the scene first because we did it.
Speaker 7: Did I just hear hip hop playing over the bi
Speaker 7: well Pa system.
Speaker 9: Yeah, they playing the Musac version of like all the
Speaker 9: like two thousand rappers. I heard like Muzak Diddy. They
Speaker 9: had a Musak Snoop. The other one they just played
Speaker 9: was Musak fifty cent.
Speaker 7: So ugh that guy, did you hear? He just threw
Speaker 7: a microphone into the crowd at a concert and he
Speaker 7: hit a woman in the head. She had to go
Speaker 7: to the hospital. Brandy Carlisle would never throw microphone into
Speaker 7: the audience. I mean one time I saw her chug
Speaker 7: and toss a plastic kombucha bottle, but that was thrilling.
Speaker 7: On the other hand, you went to a fifty cent
Speaker 7: concert you had to know it was going to be painful.
Speaker 8: You know.
Speaker 10: Fifty cent and I actually have a lot in common,
Speaker 10: you know, because i've I've I've taken a bullet before,
Speaker 10: you know, although in my case it was because of
Speaker 10: another hunter mistook me for a deer.
Speaker 5: And having sex. I ain't making love. I remember that,
Speaker 5: I remember it. Remembered. It played in the background for
Speaker 5: two years every time I was hooking up with somebody,
Speaker 5: that was the song. And let me tell you, he
Speaker 5: looks good. Fifty cent looks good for a man who's
Speaker 5: almost fifty cent years old. They say black don't crack.
Speaker 5: It's not my place to say it, but honey, I
Speaker 5: know something about the cracks, and it doesn't happen in
Speaker 5: his case.
Speaker 8: I didn't know you were a fifty fan.
Speaker 4: Man.
Speaker 9: Now you wearing that G unit tank top makes so
Speaker 9: much sense.
Speaker 12: I get it now, dude, dude, dude, but I do.
Speaker 7: Hey, Arnold, why are you out at the loading dock?
Speaker 5: Mmmm?
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, we were just having a little smoke break altogether.
Speaker 9: Well, y'all can enjoy that, Arnold. What you're doing in here, man,
Speaker 9: You gotta see this. I brought a pre roll joint
Speaker 9: out there and Jerry smokes.
Speaker 5: So yeah, he.
Speaker 7: Keeps saying he's seeing colors. It's crazy. You've got to
Speaker 7: get out here, Arnold.
Speaker 5: Well that is for y'all to enjoy. I will see.
Speaker 5: I'll hear your stories about it.
Speaker 8: What are you in here?
Speaker 5: Well? I quit smoking. Thank you for asking. I was
Speaker 5: waiting for someone to bring it up. I quit smoking.
Speaker 8: Do Come on, man, are you what you like puffing?
Speaker 8: You said it, Arnold?
Speaker 7: You can't quit, honey.
Speaker 5: I can quit whenever I want to quit, seventeen damn times.
Speaker 5: Mm hmm, yeah, y'all. Look at this. I got nicotine
Speaker 5: patches covered me up from crotch to crown. I'm covered
Speaker 5: in nicotine patches. It's almost like an undersuit.
Speaker 8: You know what that's?
Speaker 10: This is how many boxes and nicotine patches?
Speaker 5: Is this?
Speaker 8: At least take the ones off your nipples.
Speaker 5: Those aren't nicotine patches. Those are electro cardiogram patches that
Speaker 5: I keep on there. I don't need y'all. Wherever y'all
Speaker 5: are is where I'm not gonna be. You're gonna be
Speaker 5: teen building out there doing your corporate bullshit, puffing on
Speaker 5: your cigarettes. I'll be here by myself.
Speaker 7: All right. I tried I'm out of here. I'm gonna
Speaker 7: go look at Timbo for a few more minutes and
Speaker 7: have a smoke. Robert, you want to come with?
Speaker 9: Yeah, I think I got it a little time before
Speaker 9: I got to be back on the clock.
Speaker 8: At least enough for one more.
Speaker 10: I'll come.
Speaker 5: Mm mm hmmm mmmm mmm. Look at them ruining their lives.
Speaker 1: Hey, what's up, Arnold? I'm going man?
Speaker 5: I thought I had the room to myself for a second. Hello, Jerry,
Speaker 5: Well you do have.
Speaker 1: It to yourself, because I am not anybody?
Speaker 5: Really?
Speaker 1: Am I? Am I someone to you? Or am I
Speaker 1: someone even to myself?
Speaker 5: Oh? What the fuck? Very few people.
Speaker 3: Can decide who they am if you think about it,
Speaker 3: because there's too many ways to look at it.
Speaker 1: Your identity?
Speaker 5: You know, Jerry, you are squinting like somebody at burning
Speaker 5: Man with the dust storm, and you're sounding like cheaching song.
Speaker 1: Did you get hi hunting man?
Speaker 3: I always wanted to feel what it would be like
Speaker 3: to put your hand in fire.
Speaker 5: Well, you can come try out the toaster in the
Speaker 5: meat section if you want to. You would do that
Speaker 5: for me, honey, I would do anything to get you
Speaker 5: out of my face.
Speaker 1: Well I'm not in your face.
Speaker 5: Man.
Speaker 3: Okay, because you're on your little track. Man, everything is
Speaker 3: made of circles. You're a circle.
Speaker 5: Don't you come at me saying I look like a circle.
Speaker 3: Honey, I'm a circle. Look at all these circles. Look
Speaker 3: at this. Look at this plate.
Speaker 1: That's a circle. These tables are circles.
Speaker 5: Ah, good lord, you know what. I am gonna go
Speaker 5: take my break in the car.
Speaker 13: By Employees Only. Is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty
Speaker 13: Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Farnara. The associate producer
Speaker 13: is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard,
Speaker 13: Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Kloke and Jared Logan. Editing by
Speaker 13: Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Pealisi, Casting by Sherry Henderson.
Speaker 13: Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by
Speaker 13: Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Broneller. Victor is
Speaker 13: by Ross Bryant, Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold
Speaker 13: is played by James Odomian. Mia is played by Keisha Zohler,
Speaker 13: Shilah is played by Suba Argowall, and Darry is played
Speaker 13: by Jared Logan.
Speaker 6: By