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Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. And today's topic is

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Speaker 1: it's a powerful one. It's all about the healing power

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Speaker 1: of forgiveness. Forgiveness might be one of the most difficult

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Speaker 1: things in our lives to do because it's hard to

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Speaker 1: move on from something that has so badly hurt us.

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Speaker 1: And I understand that, and it's taken me time to

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Speaker 1: forgive people in my life. For sure. I'm not somebody

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Speaker 1: that's gonna sit here and say, oh, I can forgive

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Speaker 1: so easily. It can take time, and that's okay. It's

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Speaker 1: a journey, right, But the ability to forgive is so

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Speaker 1: important because it's not just for the other person. It's

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Speaker 1: for you. And there's a lot of a lot of

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Speaker 1: health benefits to forgiveness and a lot of scary things

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Speaker 1: that can come your way if you don't forgive. And

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Speaker 1: let me clarify by saying, forgiveness doesn't mean that you

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Speaker 1: need to become best friends with the person that you're

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Speaker 1: forgiving and totally forget about everything that they did to

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Speaker 1: you that hurt you, because that's not realistic. You're not

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Speaker 1: going to forget, You're never gonna forget. You're going to

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Speaker 1: always remember what somebody did to tremendously hurt you. But

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Speaker 1: what forgiveness means is you're able to move on from

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Speaker 1: it in a way that doesn't make you harbor anger

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Speaker 1: or resentment or rage or stress or anxiety, because those

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Speaker 1: are things that eat at you. So it allows you

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Speaker 1: to kind of compartimentalize, so you can say I don't

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Speaker 1: feel those things for you anymore, which is a very

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Speaker 1: freeing thing. But it doesn't mean I need to have

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Speaker 1: you in my life or have you in my orbit.

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Speaker 1: It just means that I genuinely feel like I have

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Speaker 1: put a lock on that chapter of my life and

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Speaker 1: I no longer need to be feeling the things that

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Speaker 1: make me feel so badly based off what you did

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Speaker 1: to me, you know, X, Y or Z time ago.

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Speaker 1: So there's some real science behind forgiveness on how it

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Speaker 1: impacts the body and the brain and your mental health.

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Speaker 1: You know, it reduces stress, it lowers blood pressure, it

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Speaker 1: improves mood. And there's a new Harvard lead study that

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Speaker 1: came out and it builds on earlier research that teases

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Speaker 1: out the effects of the most human of actions, aka forgiveness,

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Speaker 1: and it shows that forgiveness boosts our mental well being

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Speaker 1: by reducing anxiety and depression, and the result adds to

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Speaker 1: the other recent evidence that can ease stress, improve sleep,

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Speaker 1: lower bread blood pressure, and heart rates. And what forgiveness is,

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Speaker 1: according to Harvard the Harvard Medical Journal, it's not excusing, explaining,

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Speaker 1: or exonerating, but saying you forgive is easy, but it

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Speaker 1: doesn't change the feelings inside. So we can be sad

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Speaker 1: for what we experienced and angry about what happened, but

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Speaker 1: above all, a state of forgiveness is accepting that what

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Speaker 1: happened is over. Wow, that's powerful. Let me say that

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Speaker 1: last sentence again. A state of forgiveness is accepting that

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Speaker 1: what happened is over. And that's Tyler Vanderweel, co author

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Speaker 1: of the new Harvard study and the co director of

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Speaker 1: the Initiative on Health, Spirituality and Religion. So, Man, I

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Speaker 1: think when you think about it that way, that's a

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Speaker 1: really powerful thing. It doesn't mean you have to reconcile

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Speaker 1: a relationship, right, It just means you're releasing that grip

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Speaker 1: of anger and resentment and pain, which is only something

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Speaker 1: that's going to help you. And this Harvard study, I think,

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Speaker 1: just shows how important it is for our well being

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Speaker 1: and our health to be able to come to a

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Speaker 1: place where we can do that. So there are people

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Speaker 1: in my life who have hurt me very badly over

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Speaker 1: the years, and in certain moments it's become very hard

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Speaker 1: to want to forgive them. But then working through those

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Speaker 1: feelings that sometimes certain people who have hurt me don't

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Speaker 1: know better, and they've done the best they can in

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Speaker 1: their own lives, and it's what they know. And I

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Speaker 1: think framing it in that perspective has been one tool

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Speaker 1: for me that has allowed me to let go of

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Speaker 1: any sort of anger or resentment I have felt over

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Speaker 1: my life towards various people. It's not always easy to do,

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Speaker 1: and it's definitely a work in progress, right, but I

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Speaker 1: think starting to flip the script and realizing that sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's the best somebody can do. They don't have the

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Speaker 1: tools to do better, they are not equipped to do better.

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Speaker 1: This is what they know, this is what they were given,

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Speaker 1: this is what they are. It can help you manage

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Speaker 1: those feelings of anger and resentments and sadness a little

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Speaker 1: bit better. And there are some tools I think that

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Speaker 1: can definitely help you get there on your forgiveness journey.

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Speaker 1: No matter who the person is that you're trying to forgive.

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Speaker 1: I think that therapy is really good. Therapy is really

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Speaker 1: really good. Like I am a dude, and I am

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Speaker 1: talking about therapy, and a lot of dudes don't talk

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Speaker 1: about therapy, but here we are. Therapy can tremendously help

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Speaker 1: you work through your feelings you have towards somebody so

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Speaker 1: you can start letting go of those heavy, hard feelings

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Speaker 1: and moving on and moving on. So I think having

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Speaker 1: a therapist that you trust and that you listen to

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Speaker 1: and that helps you navigate those feelings is invaluable to

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Speaker 1: help you be able to forgive. I think journaling is

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Speaker 1: really great to help you get your feelings out on paper,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes just saying it or working through it is

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Speaker 1: a really big way for you to be able to

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Speaker 1: do that. Meditating, yoga, prayer, these are all self care

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Speaker 1: practices that help give you clarity in what you're feeling

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Speaker 1: and what you want to work through, and I think

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Speaker 1: all of that is tremendously valuable. And being able to

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Speaker 1: forgive as well. And I think that just being able

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Speaker 1: to look at something that once hurt you at a

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Speaker 1: time in your life where you were maybe a different

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Speaker 1: person or in a different space and realizing that, you

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Speaker 1: know what, what I went through sucked. It absolutely sucked,

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Speaker 1: and I wish I didn't have to go through that.

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Speaker 1: But at the same time, going through that taught me

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Speaker 1: a lesson. And maybe you don't know what that lesson

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Speaker 1: is right now in this moment, but I promise you you're

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Speaker 1: going to figure out that lesson one day. And I

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Speaker 1: trust in whatever's out there in this universe or above us,

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Speaker 1: that there is a reason why sometimes we do go

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Speaker 1: through these things, and it teaches us something about ourselves

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Speaker 1: and maybe makes us a stronger human being. So I

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Speaker 1: like to say that if something hurt you way back

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Speaker 1: when you were a different person than than you are now,

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Speaker 1: and yeah, you can be hurt from it, but don't

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Speaker 1: let that hold on to you forever. Don't let that

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Speaker 1: hold on to you forever. I have friends who have

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Speaker 1: gone through awful breakups and in this day and age,

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Speaker 1: in this moment of time, will say it's the worst

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Speaker 1: thing ever, right, and they want to put this person

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Speaker 1: in a category of I will never forgive them, And

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Speaker 1: then you fast forward to five years from now and

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Speaker 1: it's like, oh, yeah, that sucked. That was a really

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Speaker 1: shitty thing I went through, But more all good, Like

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Speaker 1: I wish them well. And what a beautiful, freeing thing

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Speaker 1: that is to wish somebody well even though they hurt you,

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Speaker 1: because that's only a reflection of you and what you

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Speaker 1: can attract in your life and the energy you're putting

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Speaker 1: into yourself. And like I said earlier, like Harvard said

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Speaker 1: that the health aspects of being able to do that

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Speaker 1: are so tremendous. It's like a weight has been lifted

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Speaker 1: off of you. There's a reason why that expression exists.

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Speaker 1: It's true. A weight lifting off of you is so

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Speaker 1: important because it helps you stay healthy and like your

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Speaker 1: best self. So I think that forgiveness is a journey, right,

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Speaker 1: and you can't beat yourself up over it. Just because

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Speaker 1: some people say, you know, you need to forgive somebody

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Speaker 1: today and you're not quite there, doesn't mean you have

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Speaker 1: to be there in this moment. It just means you

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Speaker 1: want to work towards it, and you will get there.

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Speaker 1: You will get there if you want to get there.

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Speaker 1: There are people who want to hold on to the

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Speaker 1: anger and resentment for their whole lives, and that is

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Speaker 1: a choice that they are making, and it's not a

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Speaker 1: great choice in my opinion, because it's only affecting you

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Speaker 1: and not the other person that you're mad at. So

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Speaker 1: all of the anger for what someone did to you

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Speaker 1: is actually still hurting you in this day and age

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Speaker 1: because you're harboring those feelings, So you're kind of letting

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Speaker 1: that person hurt you twice, if you think about it

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Speaker 1: that way. So you have to try as best as

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Speaker 1: you can to work through those emotions and those feelings,

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Speaker 1: and the only way to do that is by confronting them.

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Speaker 1: And you might not ever get an apology, by the way,

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Speaker 1: from somebody that you want an apology from. So half

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Speaker 1: the battle and forgiveness is feeling like somebody is sorry,

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Speaker 1: and that makes it easier, but you really might not

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Speaker 1: ever get that. So that's why it's it's so important

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Speaker 1: to work through the feelings on your own of what

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Speaker 1: you do and don't need, so that independent of what

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Speaker 1: that person does or doesn't do, you can try to

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Speaker 1: move on. So I think that's a really crucial thing.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes not having that sorry can actually make it

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Speaker 1: easier to forgive somebody because you realize they're incapable of that,

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't mean you give them a free pass.

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Speaker 1: I don't want people like that in my life and

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Speaker 1: people like that aren't in my life. They're not, but

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Speaker 1: it means that you're not angry about it anymore. You

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Speaker 1: kind of just become like indifferent to the person. It's

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Speaker 1: like a you know, there they are, like I don't

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Speaker 1: I don't really care what they're up to. It's it's fine,

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Speaker 1: it is what it is. And that's kind of a feeling.

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Speaker 1: I like, the feeling of indifference is so much better

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Speaker 1: than a feeling of anger or resentment. And I think

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Speaker 1: there's probably people listening who have that feeling towards friends.

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Speaker 1: They're like, oh, yeah, I totally feel that one hundred percent.

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Speaker 1: So the bottom line is it's not easy to forgive,

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Speaker 1: but trust me when I tell you it is so

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Speaker 1: incredibly healing. So I am not sitting here on a

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Speaker 1: pedestal saying I am the guru of forgiveness, because I've

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Speaker 1: gone through my own journeys of holding onto things. But

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Speaker 1: what I will say for sure is I am in

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Speaker 1: a place in my life where I want to be

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Speaker 1: somebody who can forgive because it's the healthiest thing for me,

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Speaker 1: for my mental health, for my body, for every area

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Speaker 1: of who I am. And life is too short to

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Speaker 1: hold onto those feelings that cause us such pain. So

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Speaker 1: forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean you're complacent.

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Speaker 1: Forgiveness does not mean you're giving a free pass. Forgiveness

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Speaker 1: just means you're able to let go of the awful

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Speaker 1: feelings you're feeling so that you can move forward with

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Speaker 1: your life. And I'm going to say that quote one

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Speaker 1: more time that I said earlier, which I think is

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Speaker 1: so important, which is above all, a state of forgiveness

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Speaker 1: is accepting that what happened is is over. So on

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Speaker 1: that note, I wish all of us, including myself, an

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Speaker 1: amazing journey of forgiveness for anyone in our lives that

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Speaker 1: we need to forgive and remember to be gentle with yourself,

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Speaker 1: because it sure is a journey. I've Never Said This

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Speaker 1: Before is hosted by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is

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Speaker 1: executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy,

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Speaker 1: with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before

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Speaker 1: is part of the Elvis Duran podcast network on iHeart Podcasts.

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Speaker 1: For more, rate review and subscribe to our show. And

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Speaker 1: if you liked this episode, tell your friends, Until next time,

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Speaker 1: I'm Tommy de Dario