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Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, Sophia Bush here. Welcome to work in progress,

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Speaker 1: where I talked to people who inspire me about how

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Speaker 1: they got to where they are and where they think

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Speaker 1: they're still going. Guys, I am so excited for you

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Speaker 1: to hear my conversation with today's guest. Well, I wish

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Speaker 1: I could have met Tara Schuster in person. It obviously

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Speaker 1: felt appropriate and timely to do our interview remotely. We

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Speaker 1: got together on zoom and had such a ball. Tar

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Speaker 1: is an executive at Comedy Central who wrote an incredible

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Speaker 1: book called By Yourself, The Fucking Lilies and Other Rituals

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Speaker 1: to Fix Your Life from someone who's been there. For

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Speaker 1: those of us who do have some extra time to

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Speaker 1: think and reflect, this period can be challenging, and the

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Speaker 1: thing is that Tara talks about in her book are

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Speaker 1: incredibly helpful ways to cope, like journaling and figuring out

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Speaker 1: what principles you live by. So if you're feeling stuck

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Speaker 1: or anxious, or honestly even if you're not, I think

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Speaker 1: that this conversation will be incredibly relatable and comforting, and

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Speaker 1: I hope that it brings you some joy while we're

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Speaker 1: all physically distancing enjoy I've been saying two people, Um,

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Speaker 1: we're also in a pandemic, so it's good to remember that.

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Speaker 1: It's okay if things feel more overwhelming than they actually are,

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Speaker 1: because they are more overwhelming than they actually are. We

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Speaker 1: kind of have to remember that and be really gentle

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Speaker 1: with ourselves. Yeah, it's pretty wild. Like yesterday, I've been

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Speaker 1: needing to just sort of reorganize at my house for

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Speaker 1: a while, and I started, and I theoretically got a

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Speaker 1: lot done, but it still looks like a bomb went off.

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Speaker 1: And it five o'clock. I just went, Wow, I don't

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Speaker 1: know if I can do this anymore. And I actually

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Speaker 1: took a moment and I went, I don't have to

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Speaker 1: do this, yes, exactly tomorrow, Yes, And I went and

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Speaker 1: I sat on the couch and I turned on old

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Speaker 1: episodes of Grey's Anatomy of All Things, and I just

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Speaker 1: was like, this is my pandemics tse, this is what

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Speaker 1: I mean. I love that. That's my plan for this

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Speaker 1: afternoon is I could be working on my book proposal

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Speaker 1: for a book, to which I will, but I decided

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Speaker 1: after we do this podcast, i have the day off

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Speaker 1: and I'm going to watch on the Waterfront, which I've

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Speaker 1: never watched and have wanted to, Like I'm gonna make

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Speaker 1: some popcorn, I'm gonna get by the fireplace, like I

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Speaker 1: am curling up into this for the rest of the day.

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Speaker 1: And I love that we have to take care of ourselves,

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Speaker 1: and I keep trying to remind myself of that. And

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Speaker 1: I had this sort of aha moment, I think over

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Speaker 1: the weekend where I realized that so many of the

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Speaker 1: things that are making me stressed out in my physical

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Speaker 1: space aren't done, aren't taken care of, because I've been

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Speaker 1: so accustomed to overworking. You know, my very first job,

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Speaker 1: my very first show, we would shoot eighteen hours a

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Speaker 1: day our whole first season. Everything was so crazy, and

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Speaker 1: so I'm just used to that. And so I work,

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Speaker 1: and I overschedule, and I don't make time to meditate,

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Speaker 1: and and I you know, I remember you saying like

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Speaker 1: you didn't know how to change the bag in a

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Speaker 1: vacuum cleaner, was dying coughing because I was like honestly saying,

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Speaker 1: like before I had a dice and I didn't know

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Speaker 1: what I was doing. And the way in the book,

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Speaker 1: I don't say that, I don't say dison, but this,

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Speaker 1: the little footing is like I bought a vacuum cleaner

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Speaker 1: without a bag. That's what I got. Like, I was like,

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Speaker 1: I can't do this. I can't do it either. I

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Speaker 1: just can't hope, And you do you realize I just

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Speaker 1: I felt so much for you, and I also felt

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Speaker 1: so seen by what you wrote because to your point

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Speaker 1: in your book, you were this high performing person at work,

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Speaker 1: but in your life you were like, wait, I missed

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Speaker 1: I missed something. I have a friend who used to

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Speaker 1: tell me. He was like, it's like you skipped to expert,

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Speaker 1: but you missed all of beta, Like you just missed

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Speaker 1: the whole thing. And it's interesting too to start, I think,

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Speaker 1: to come to terms with needing to go back and

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Speaker 1: reassess some of the steps you took to get where

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Speaker 1: you are, the basics you know, Yeah, I don't. I

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Speaker 1: don't know about your background like childhood, But for me,

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Speaker 1: I definitely thought I had to achieve all of the

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Speaker 1: things immediately or there would be no time. No, And

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Speaker 1: I think so I rushed through how do you set

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Speaker 1: up a life? But also when you have no examples,

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Speaker 1: and it's something I'm always coming to terms with it,

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Speaker 1: even in relationships now, it's like, wait, I've never in

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Speaker 1: a healthy relationship. Maybe that's part of why I keep

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Speaker 1: falling into familiar things that aren't great. You know, yep,

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Speaker 1: I sure do. Wow talk my gosh. Well, I'm just

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited that you're here. I mean, we just

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Speaker 1: hit the ground running. And and there is to the

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Speaker 1: point of what we've discussed so far, so much in

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Speaker 1: the book that's so relevant to talk about. And I

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Speaker 1: think we'll be so illuminating for everyone, especially because we

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Speaker 1: are in this time where so many of us are

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Speaker 1: at home and being forced to sit with ourselves in

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Speaker 1: rays that we haven't in the past. Um And I

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Speaker 1: think that can be overwhelming. But I also think, to

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Speaker 1: the point of the beginning of this conversation, we need

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Speaker 1: to be a little more gentle with ourselves. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: think of ourselves and permission the key for me. So

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Speaker 1: self care is always an important part I think of

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Speaker 1: anybody's journey. But I think in a in a crisis,

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Speaker 1: it's sort of mandatory. But because you know, I write

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Speaker 1: about you know, on the airplane safety videos where the

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Speaker 1: oxygen mask descends from the sky and the mom un

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Speaker 1: characteristically calmly puts it on her first, you have to

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Speaker 1: be able to help yourself before you can help anyone else.

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Speaker 1: So in a crisis like a pandemic, I feel like

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Speaker 1: this is the time for self care. But the step

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Speaker 1: people are missing is it's okay to fall apart. It's

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Speaker 1: okay to, you know, to have moments of I just

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Speaker 1: can't do anything. I just can't take a shower. I

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Speaker 1: feel the cultural anxiety, because it would be pretty weird

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Speaker 1: if you didn't, like if you just like immediately went

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Speaker 1: to I'm learning how to bake bread, that is odd.

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Speaker 1: We have to acknowledge, you know, like we have to

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Speaker 1: acknowledge this is something beyond our control. This is something

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Speaker 1: where so many people are suffering, where we too might suffer,

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Speaker 1: could suffer, our families, could suffer, and honor that that

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Speaker 1: that that is a real fear, and that our fear

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Speaker 1: is intelligent, and that that fear is what's keeping us

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Speaker 1: six feet away from people, keeping us in our houses.

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Speaker 1: So it's it's okay to to feel those those anxieties,

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Speaker 1: those fears, those worries. But then we need to rise

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Speaker 1: from the ashes. And one of the things I've been

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Speaker 1: saying is we need to go Mary Poppins on our lives,

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Speaker 1: you know, we need to descend from the heavens with

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Speaker 1: a little bit of discipline and cheer and get things organized,

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Speaker 1: you know, even our houses, um, making sure everything is

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Speaker 1: not falling apart, or at least if you have kids

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Speaker 1: and it's impossible, do you have like mom's shelf, shelf

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Speaker 1: of organization, like you have one place that is just

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Speaker 1: your own. Um. So I think it's about tending to

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Speaker 1: our physical space and then our emotional um are kind

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Speaker 1: of emotional journey that we're in, and so I'm really

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Speaker 1: recommending that people journal I mean journaling. There's so much

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Speaker 1: science behind journaling about I have so many questions for

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Speaker 1: you about it, so many. I'm glad you brought it up.

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Speaker 1: But before before we get into what we need to

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Speaker 1: be doing today, I actually I want to go back

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Speaker 1: because the book, you know, when when I'm when I'm

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Speaker 1: referencing your writing in the stories that you tell about

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Speaker 1: in a way, you know, going back and reprogramming the

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Speaker 1: beta bits. I love that you talk about it because

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Speaker 1: I like to go back with people at the start,

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Speaker 1: you know, and find out what you were like as

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Speaker 1: a kid, you know, who was Tara at ten? Were

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Speaker 1: you this very productive, overachieving you know, uh looks put

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Speaker 1: together on the outside kind of kid, or or were

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Speaker 1: other things happening then? Yeah, I was a combination of trusting,

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Speaker 1: you know, I just wanted and anybody to hug me.

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Speaker 1: I would abandon my parents table at dinner and just

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Speaker 1: go look for adults to go talk to, and asked

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Speaker 1: them pretty inappropriate questions too that you know, like I'd

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Speaker 1: asked them about their sex life and things that I

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Speaker 1: had been seeing on showtime because there was no adult

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Speaker 1: supervision whatsoever at home, and I basically watched anything I wanted.

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Speaker 1: So I had all these adults thoughts about how the

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Speaker 1: world worked, and so I just wanted to be around adults.

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Speaker 1: So I was really tenacious and jumping at the idea

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Speaker 1: that I could talk to other adults when I was

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Speaker 1: in public and then at home, you know, even with

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Speaker 1: my babysitter, I was constantly telling them like I love you,

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Speaker 1: don't leave me, like I was really looking for love.

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Speaker 1: But I always achieved at school. I was never a slacker.

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Speaker 1: School was the only place where there were a else

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Speaker 1: paying any attention to me. So I think I formed

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Speaker 1: real bonds with my teachers, and my whole self worth

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Speaker 1: became tied up in how well am I doing at school?

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Speaker 1: Because that was the only place I was getting any

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Speaker 1: positive feedback. So me as a little kid, I was

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Speaker 1: I think my most natural state is just trusting and

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Speaker 1: jumpy and glittery, and I mean jumping in a good way,

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Speaker 1: like a lot of energy and just wants to go

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Speaker 1: do and explore. But I think because of the circumstances

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Speaker 1: that I was kind of in, I I tended to

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Speaker 1: to get into a little bit of trouble too, you know,

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Speaker 1: to kind of embellish the truth. And like I would,

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Speaker 1: I would lie about things and brag about things that

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Speaker 1: just were not true, all in an attempt to get

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Speaker 1: positive reinforcement. So it was just looking for please help.

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Speaker 1: Like you could, you could sum up my childhood with

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Speaker 1: the sentence please hug me. That was was what I

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Speaker 1: was trying to get. I also wonder if if sometimes

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Speaker 1: that that tendency that kids have to embellish, and especially

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Speaker 1: when you are looking for safety and you don't feel

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Speaker 1: it as a child, I wonder sometimes if that comes

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Speaker 1: from your brain connecting dots to fantasy and hero stories.

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Speaker 1: The thing that little kids are raised on, you know

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Speaker 1: where where, whether it's a fairytale, like Sleeping Beauty or

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Speaker 1: you know, a Pixar movie like Brave. It's like we

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Speaker 1: were raised to think that if we are tenacious enough

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Speaker 1: or or brave enough, or special enough, that that will

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Speaker 1: slay the dragon, and that the prince will come to

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Speaker 1: save us, and that will rescue the kingdom. And and

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Speaker 1: I really wonder what kind of effects those things have

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Speaker 1: on kids, because when I think about it through that lens,

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Speaker 1: through through the stories that we get raised on, it's

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Speaker 1: no wonder to me that that we want to take

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Speaker 1: a place in those books, that we want to be

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Speaker 1: special enough, right right And special enough is such a

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Speaker 1: good phrase here, because I think my parents the only

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Speaker 1: real values they modeled or make a lot of money.

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Speaker 1: So when I look back and and I was like

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Speaker 1: concocting tales of how I am a rich princess like

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Speaker 1: my real parents, Like I was doing all of those

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Speaker 1: like weird stories like these aren't my real parents or

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Speaker 1: my dad's a big ceo like that. I was making

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Speaker 1: up a lot of this because my parents, the stories

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Speaker 1: they told of what is success, what is a good

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Speaker 1: life is it was just stuff. It was just the

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Speaker 1: accumulation of wealth and status. And so even though I

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Speaker 1: didn't really know what the word status meant. I projected thinking, oh,

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Speaker 1: other people love me if they think that's who I am,

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Speaker 1: because I see from my parents that that's all that

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Speaker 1: really matters. And in fact, it is repelling, absolutely repelling

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Speaker 1: to to everybody when somebody brags or embellishes in that way.

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Speaker 1: And I've really had to come to terms with not

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Speaker 1: feeling embarrassed of myself as a little kid and having

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Speaker 1: some self compassion and just you know, saying to myself

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Speaker 1: that little girl was really hurting and did not know

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Speaker 1: any better. It's not embarrassing, it's it is. It is

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Speaker 1: what it is, and you know, not adding shame and

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Speaker 1: blame to the story, because for a long time I

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Speaker 1: was really embarrassed of how trusting and needy and braggy

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Speaker 1: I was as a little kid. But that little kid

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Speaker 1: was just hurting and looking for any kind of validation.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. What what was the dynamic in your family?

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Speaker 1: If you're comfortable talking about it, like what what were

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Speaker 1: your parents like? And and looking back on it, how

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Speaker 1: do you think you connect all those dots? Now? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think they really didn't know themselves and we're kind

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Speaker 1: of out of control, like they didn't really have They

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Speaker 1: didn't have values or principles or they ever grew up.

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Speaker 1: They were something you know in the book, I really

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Speaker 1: try and never to tell their stories because I don't know.

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Speaker 1: You know, they're very secretive. I don't know what happened exactly.

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Speaker 1: But what I saw was they didn't value themselves. They

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Speaker 1: didn't take the time to do a real accounting of

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Speaker 1: what they needed. So it was chaos. It was chaos

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Speaker 1: inside and then the trappings of success on the outside.

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Speaker 1: That was sort of what they modeled. My mom was

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Speaker 1: a doctor and my dad was a lawyer. Stuff, vacations

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Speaker 1: and nice cars were all that mattered. But the financial

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Speaker 1: stress that that put them under emotionally reached haboc on

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Speaker 1: their lives. You know, they'd want something and then they'd

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Speaker 1: be stretching to get it, so then they get depressed, anxious,

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Speaker 1: upset about it. It was like, this never ending cycle

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Speaker 1: of stuff will make me happy, but the path to

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Speaker 1: being happy makes me so anxious, fearful, depressed. So I think,

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Speaker 1: in the most generous way, I can say they were messes.

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Speaker 1: They just didn't know themselves at all. Mm hmm. And

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Speaker 1: what do you think that being in that energy because

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Speaker 1: you know, they they say hindsight, it's I imagine easy

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Speaker 1: to understand as an adult who's done the work when

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Speaker 1: you look back, and you can be gracious in that way.

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Speaker 1: But as a kid, you don't understand those things, specifically

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Speaker 1: that that kind of energy to grow up in a

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Speaker 1: household like that. What did that propel you into? Were

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Speaker 1: you writing as a child? Were you super active? Like

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Speaker 1: how do you think you coped? I poured myself into school.

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Speaker 1: I just thought school is the only thing that's possibly

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Speaker 1: going to get me out of here. I could spend

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Speaker 1: less time at home if I'm at school, so you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm having lunch with my teachers, I'm joining every single

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Speaker 1: extracurricular activity. I did lots of theater. You know, we're

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Speaker 1: so I could literally be somebody else and literally like

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Speaker 1: get applause from from anybody, get somebody to to give

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Speaker 1: me a hug and say congratulations. So school was my escape.

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Speaker 1: But at the same time, by high school, I was

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Speaker 1: using weed as a way to really numb out and

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Speaker 1: obliterate my memories and just get as far away from

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Speaker 1: my emotions as possible. My early childhood was all about survive,

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Speaker 1: get out of here, get go to a quote unquote

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Speaker 1: fancy college that will deem you worthy, you know, like

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Speaker 1: I was looking for something external to say you're a

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Speaker 1: good human, like because you went here, you're a value,

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Speaker 1: and then obliterating my emotions with mostly with weeds, sometimes

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Speaker 1: with alcohol, but just getting as far away from myself

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Speaker 1: as I possibly could. M hmm. And do you think,

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Speaker 1: you know, when you talk about college, do you think

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Speaker 1: that that environment, because there is such a we have

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Speaker 1: such a culturing here in America that college is for

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Speaker 1: partying and you know, the kids get to go in rage,

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Speaker 1: do you think that that kind of college culture made

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Speaker 1: it easy for you to hide just how much numbing

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Speaker 1: you were doing. I mean, I didn't hide it. I

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Speaker 1: did not hide it. I'm but I guess the persona

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Speaker 1: I always had though, was stoner girl who is somehow

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Speaker 1: able to get the best grades, whose some hard play,

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Speaker 1: hard work, hard play hard, totally good at work, bad

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Speaker 1: at life. That was always my my way, and especially

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Speaker 1: for me, what I thought college was going to be

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Speaker 1: was my savior, that this was going to save my life.

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Speaker 1: And the professors, We're going to understand me and understand

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Speaker 1: what I had been through and teach me some new

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Speaker 1: way to be. But I wasn't ready at all to

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Speaker 1: even myself. You know, my my college friends barely knew

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Speaker 1: about my childhood. They I never talked about my mom.

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Speaker 1: I barely talked about any of the dysfunction because I

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Speaker 1: was so embarrassed by it all. So it's funny now

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Speaker 1: that the book is out, a lot of them have said, wait,

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Speaker 1: that's why you never talked about your mom, Like wait

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Speaker 1: that you know, they'll they'll find a story and they're like, wow,

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00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,399
Speaker 1: that makes a lot more sense now, because I was

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Speaker 1: doing so much hiding of of who I was. Except

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Speaker 1: for the partying, I could be relied on to be fun.

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Speaker 1: And again, if you're getting all of your validation from

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Speaker 1: external sources, you want to be the life of the party,

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00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:51,239
Speaker 1: always down to do something. Throwing an epic rager in

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Speaker 1: your dorm room. That was definitely me, but it was

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Speaker 1: because I wanted people to hug me. And you know,

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Speaker 1: it's it's taken a lot to be able to say that,

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Speaker 1: you know, without feeling embarrassed of myself. Just how much

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Speaker 1: I was looking for external validation. I feel like that's

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Speaker 1: such a beautiful signifier though, of when you've done the

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Speaker 1: work in an authentic way. I I have my own

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Speaker 1: versions of that, where I can look at something and say, oh,

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Speaker 1: that's how I was coping, or oh that's what I

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Speaker 1: was trying to solve for, or of course I put

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Speaker 1: this situation ahead of myself, which was toxic, because I've

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Speaker 1: been trained to do that, to be a good girl

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Speaker 1: by a society that wants us to, you know, sit

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Speaker 1: there and be smart but not too smart, and be

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Speaker 1: pretty but not too attractive because then you're a distraction

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Speaker 1: or a whore or whatever you know. In the list

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Speaker 1: goes on and on and and I don't feel embarrassed

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Speaker 1: by by any of those realizations. I'm actually I feel

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Speaker 1: so much more gentle than I used to. I think

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Speaker 1: when I was unwilling to look at my experience is

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Speaker 1: good and bad, my successes and failures through the lens

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Speaker 1: of both my experience and larger cultural conditioning. When I

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Speaker 1: when I couldn't do that, I was so much quicker

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Speaker 1: to anger. Yeah, I I love that you've brought that up.

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Speaker 1: That the only way to be gentle with ourselves is

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Speaker 1: to admit who we are and what we've been through

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Speaker 1: in a non judgmental way, and it softens zero every time.

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Speaker 1: Every time you're able to admit and see without judgment

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Speaker 1: who you are, who you were, you soften and you

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00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:43,520
Speaker 1: gain empathy for other people. And I find myself less

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Speaker 1: angry with other people. The more I'm accepting of myself,

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00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:52,600
Speaker 1: the more I I meet my edges and say that's okay,

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Speaker 1: that that is me, that's okay. I'm not damned and

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Speaker 1: unworthy because I behave that way. I just am and

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to do my best. The more I give

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Speaker 1: that leeway to other people, and I find myself giving

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00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:09,120
Speaker 1: other people the benefit benefit of the doubt more and more,

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00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,399
Speaker 1: you know, with boundaries of course, you know, trying to

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00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:17,760
Speaker 1: build healthier and healthier relationships, but with a gentleness towards

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Speaker 1: myself and towards others. Yeah, mm hmmmm, all the yes.

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Speaker 1: So college is happening because because we're talking about where

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Speaker 1: we where, we find ourselves now in these more tender places,

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Speaker 1: and I love it. But you discuss school, you know,

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Speaker 1: you're the life of the party. Everything looks like it's great,

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Speaker 1: and I know that things changed for you at where

353
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:58,920
Speaker 1: where between college and and that sort of moment at

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00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:04,840
Speaker 1: did the internship at the Daily Show with Jon Stewart

355
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,199
Speaker 1: come in. How did that fit into this? It was

356
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Speaker 1: right around because I graduated in the height of the

357
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Speaker 1: two thousand and eight recession. Welcomes the new recession. But

358
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Speaker 1: uh so I couldn't get a job. There were there

359
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,120
Speaker 1: were no jobs for me. And I was living with

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Speaker 1: my living boyfriend in New York who basically he said,

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Speaker 1: you know, do you want to move in with me

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00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,679
Speaker 1: and my apartment in New York? And I had no

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00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 1: other place to go, so yes, of course. But I

364
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,639
Speaker 1: didn't realize was that I was moving in with him

365
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:42,520
Speaker 1: and his parents, which was a very different It's a

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Speaker 1: very different question would you like to move in with

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Speaker 1: me versus would you like to move in with me

368
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:51,760
Speaker 1: and my parents? Um, it's a huge detail to just

369
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,560
Speaker 1: leave out. Yeah, yeah it was. And so now I

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Speaker 1: find myself in New York. I don't really have any money,

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Speaker 1: I have a lot of student debt, I'm in a

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Speaker 1: very unhealthy relationship living with my boyfriend and his parents,

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Speaker 1: and I was a complete mess. I was interning at

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Speaker 1: different theaters around New York City because I had gone

375
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:18,119
Speaker 1: to school for playwriting, I had always kept up theater

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00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:23,119
Speaker 1: and it just wasn't working. Also, being in that scene,

377
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 1: I was just drinking so much and a friend said,

378
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,000
Speaker 1: you know, maybe you should try the Daily Show. I

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Speaker 1: just interned there, and I was like, oh my god,

380
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 1: I love the Daily Show and I love TV. That

381
00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:39,360
Speaker 1: would be amazing. And by some miracle, I got that internship.

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00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 1: But again all of the disorder and chaos in my

383
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:47,639
Speaker 1: internal life, I never showed that one lick at the

384
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,040
Speaker 1: Daily Show. You know. I I was dedicated to being

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Speaker 1: the best at the worst of tasks, Like you show

386
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,679
Speaker 1: me something horrible, I got it, Like, whatever is the

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00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:03,240
Speaker 1: least glamorous job here, I'm on it because I write

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00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 1: about in the book. When we had our internship lunch,

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00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 1: you know, time to talk with John Stewart, who I

390
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,960
Speaker 1: do not know by his first name John, that would

391
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,600
Speaker 1: be that would be crazy. Um. But when when John

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00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:19,359
Speaker 1: talked to us, one of the interns asked, how do

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Speaker 1: you get your first big break? And John very quickly said,

394
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 1: there are no big breaks. There are just a series

395
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 1: of tiny little breaks. And the trick is you have

396
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,640
Speaker 1: to work your hardest and your best at each one

397
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:37,760
Speaker 1: of those. And to hear that from somebody I admired

398
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,320
Speaker 1: so much, somebody who was so rigorous in his work

399
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,360
Speaker 1: and and really kind he was. He was the kind

400
00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: of guy who would smile at anybody in the hallway

401
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,000
Speaker 1: asked how you were doing. He's just as good. I'm

402
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,680
Speaker 1: so happy to report. He is exactly who you want

403
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,719
Speaker 1: him to be, just as good as you want him

404
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,960
Speaker 1: to be. But hearing that from him, I realized, oh,

405
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 1: I don't need to be the fun eiest in turn,

406
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,200
Speaker 1: I don't need to be dazzling them and writing them pitches.

407
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:09,479
Speaker 1: I need to find my big little break. And I

408
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,639
Speaker 1: found it in the coffee machine at the Daily Show

409
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:17,560
Speaker 1: where so after rehearsal, John would always make himself a

410
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,000
Speaker 1: again don't know him by John, but let's just go with.

411
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:25,399
Speaker 1: John would make himself a cup of iced coffee. But

412
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:29,359
Speaker 1: I noticed that the coffee machine was often out of water,

413
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:36,159
Speaker 1: ominous red light, you know, just dirty, not working, And

414
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 1: I realized, oh my god, this is it. This is

415
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:43,000
Speaker 1: this is what I was put here to do. I've

416
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,560
Speaker 1: got this, so, you know, I read online how to

417
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:50,719
Speaker 1: fix it. Every day I would check, you know, before

418
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,120
Speaker 1: John has made his coffee, after he's made his coffee,

419
00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:57,040
Speaker 1: how's this thing functioning? I made that coffee machine, my bitch.

420
00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:02,760
Speaker 1: I was just gonna do it, and that decision. The

421
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 1: producers noticed that, and they hooked me up with my

422
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:11,320
Speaker 1: first job at Comedy Central. So my whole career sprung

423
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:14,960
Speaker 1: from that decision to be the best at the worst.

424
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 1: But I think what's interesting is my little survivor engine

425
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:24,160
Speaker 1: that makes me look for external validation and how can

426
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,520
Speaker 1: I be helpful? How can I be indispensable. It does

427
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:34,159
Speaker 1: drive me and ends up with success. But now that

428
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,520
Speaker 1: i've I've got a little bit more space from my

429
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:39,399
Speaker 1: childhood and have done a lot of the work, I've realized,

430
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:44,320
Speaker 1: Oh but my interior life matters too, like like this

431
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:49,359
Speaker 1: is extremely important, and you know it doesn't need to

432
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:53,680
Speaker 1: be about the external validation anymore because that's so fleeting

433
00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:58,359
Speaker 1: it never lasts. It's just not a good place to

434
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:02,080
Speaker 1: hit your wagon. There. People's perceptions of you you cannot

435
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:05,119
Speaker 1: control at all. All you can control is your own perception.

436
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 1: So it's interesting that my this little driver in me

437
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 1: gets me far. But I have to remember, wait, am

438
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,520
Speaker 1: I taking care of myself? Am I burning myself out?

439
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: Am I being gentle with myself? Am I pushing too hard? So? Yeah,

440
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:28,159
Speaker 1: that was my moment, my hitting rock bottom happened pretty

441
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:33,560
Speaker 1: close to that internship. Mm hmmm. When you talk about

442
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:38,600
Speaker 1: getting this job at Comedy Central, can you explain to

443
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:41,560
Speaker 1: people what you were doing there, because I'm curious again

444
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 1: what that looks like because to your point at that

445
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:48,160
Speaker 1: time in your life, from the outside, everything looks great.

446
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:50,920
Speaker 1: So what does it mean to get a job there?

447
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:54,000
Speaker 1: What are you doing there? What is your life become? Yeah,

448
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:59,200
Speaker 1: so my first job was completely entry level p A

449
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:03,440
Speaker 1: at Comedy Sun Troll, but I had no entertainment contacts.

450
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,120
Speaker 1: Even though I'm from Los Angeles, I didn't know anybody

451
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 1: in the quote unquote business. So it was a big

452
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,240
Speaker 1: deal for me to get my foot in the door somewhere,

453
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 1: especially because I didn't have any of the right I mean,

454
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,000
Speaker 1: the Daily Show was a really good internship, but other

455
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,520
Speaker 1: than that, I didn't have any of the right internships.

456
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,320
Speaker 1: So I always try to highlight that to people that

457
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 1: it's okay if you didn't have the quote unquote right internships,

458
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 1: know the right people. I didn't have any of that. Um,

459
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:35,280
Speaker 1: So that job was basically, you know, when you play

460
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:39,640
Speaker 1: a video online like a YouTube clip or vicivity of website,

461
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,760
Speaker 1: somebody had to build that video record and that somebody

462
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 1: was me and I. I built all of the video

463
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:52,840
Speaker 1: records of their stand up collection, and they had been

464
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,960
Speaker 1: doing years and years of stand up. And whereas somebody

465
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:59,480
Speaker 1: else might have looked at this as possibly the most

466
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 1: MENI all, I mean drudgery data entry job in the world,

467
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:06,320
Speaker 1: I looked at it as my opportunity to go to

468
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 1: grad school and comedy because I watched literally everything, every

469
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 1: piece of stand up they had for years and years

470
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:18,240
Speaker 1: and years. I had to watch, put tags on it,

471
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:22,760
Speaker 1: log and put in the system. And it was miserable.

472
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:27,680
Speaker 1: I will say that the menial work was miserable. Oh

473
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,280
Speaker 1: my god. I was just about to be like, God,

474
00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:30,760
Speaker 1: I want to do that job. I want to go

475
00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 1: to grad school for comedy. No, you can do it

476
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 1: in other ways. No, the time has passed. Just watched

477
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 1: comedy specials. You don't need to log the videos to

478
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:44,680
Speaker 1: to get that grad school experience. Uh. It was pretty bad,

479
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:49,960
Speaker 1: but I learned again. You know, people on the team

480
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:54,160
Speaker 1: ended up really liking me because I was confident and reliable,

481
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:58,160
Speaker 1: which I didn't realize. We're in such short demand in Hollywood.

482
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 1: I didn't realize that those two things like showing up

483
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:06,120
Speaker 1: and doing what you say you'll do are hugely important.

484
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:10,160
Speaker 1: So that was sort of the very beginning. But again

485
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,680
Speaker 1: I was trying to be the best at the worst,

486
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:17,440
Speaker 1: really trying to maximize this weird opportunity, and so I

487
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 1: started getting more and more leeway to try new projects,

488
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:27,440
Speaker 1: and eventually I pitched myself to be the digital producer

489
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:30,680
Speaker 1: of can Peel, which was a brand new show for

490
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:34,640
Speaker 1: the network, which was in a pilot stage, and they

491
00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:38,840
Speaker 1: were sort of like, you know, whatever, okay whatever, Like

492
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 1: it was so low level the job that I wanted

493
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,280
Speaker 1: as quote unquote digital producer, kind of like what even

494
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:48,720
Speaker 1: is that? Because this is not in two thousand and twenty.

495
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:52,280
Speaker 1: This is like at least maybe seven years ago, eight

496
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:55,960
Speaker 1: years ago, something like that. But I had seen their pilot,

497
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,640
Speaker 1: and since I just graduated college, I was just like,

498
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 1: oh my god, this needs to be on YouTube, Like

499
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 1: we need to put some of these sketches out and

500
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:07,000
Speaker 1: serve them to younger people so that they see what

501
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:11,640
Speaker 1: this sketch shows all about. Um, And that was sort

502
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:15,920
Speaker 1: of how I went from the more menial, horrible tasks

503
00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:19,280
Speaker 1: to being able to do something more creative and fun.

504
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:25,360
Speaker 1: That's so cool. But then here we are you're at

505
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:28,479
Speaker 1: this point where things are going great in your career,

506
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 1: and as we've discussed, from the outside, everyone assumes, well,

507
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:35,720
Speaker 1: she's killing it. She must be so happy. She really

508
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:41,600
Speaker 1: has her life together, she's becoming a producer. But where

509
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,760
Speaker 1: did you Where did you stand? Because you know, you

510
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,000
Speaker 1: write in the book that you were openly just crying

511
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:51,200
Speaker 1: on the subway often, so what was going on on

512
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:54,800
Speaker 1: a good day, on a good on a good day,

513
00:32:55,160 --> 00:33:00,040
Speaker 1: I was openly weeping on the subway, you know. I

514
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 1: I basically hit rock bottom at when I drunk out

515
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:10,120
Speaker 1: my therapist, threatening to hurt myself. And you know, the

516
00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 1: next morning, when I listened to her voicemails and heard

517
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:17,520
Speaker 1: the worry and her voice, I got really worried for

518
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 1: the first time because she was this placid European woman,

519
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 1: constantly drinking tea. And now she's leaving me voicemails about

520
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:28,120
Speaker 1: how I need to go to a hospital and am

521
00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:32,920
Speaker 1: I around people. That really shook me up, and I realized,

522
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,560
Speaker 1: you know, this is also not a thing. I don't

523
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 1: want to be known as the girl drunk dialing her

524
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,480
Speaker 1: therapists and threatening to hurt herself. I've got to take

525
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 1: control of my life. No parents are coming, I don't

526
00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:48,760
Speaker 1: have any wise mentors. All I have is me. There

527
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 1: was a Feist quote at the time that I that

528
00:33:51,760 --> 00:33:54,120
Speaker 1: I had read that said, at the end of the day,

529
00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:58,560
Speaker 1: you're all you have. I was like, oh, Feist, Eugenius.

530
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,400
Speaker 1: But I realized I was all I had and I

531
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 1: had to take responsibility for myself. And since I had

532
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:07,000
Speaker 1: always been a really good student, I just thought, what

533
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,680
Speaker 1: if I attacked this like a project. What if I

534
00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 1: made a curriculum of reparenting myself. I don't know what

535
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:17,640
Speaker 1: that looks like. What if I what would it look

536
00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:20,439
Speaker 1: like if I were to be my own parents? What

537
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:25,160
Speaker 1: values would they teach myself? What principles? Um? What vegetables

538
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 1: would I feed myself? Like, genuinely, what vegetables are the

539
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:31,160
Speaker 1: good ones? Which one should I be eating? So I

540
00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:35,280
Speaker 1: just started asking all these questions. But where were you asking?

541
00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:40,680
Speaker 1: And I'm curious how you began to answer because these

542
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 1: are big questions. You know, just learning how to eat

543
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:48,280
Speaker 1: vegetables and feed yourself differently could could be a job

544
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:51,440
Speaker 1: that could be a singular focus for a month before

545
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:54,520
Speaker 1: you add a second task. So how did you begin

546
00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:57,719
Speaker 1: to do this? Because I think when I think about

547
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,759
Speaker 1: ways in which I would like to perhaps to reprogram

548
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:05,080
Speaker 1: elements of my own life, I'm like, how, how do

549
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:09,120
Speaker 1: you really begin right? Well, it's such a good question,

550
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,080
Speaker 1: and I think it's a question that stops a lot

551
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 1: of people dead in their tracks because it seems too

552
00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:18,200
Speaker 1: big and overwhelming. So a very good news, which is

553
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:22,839
Speaker 1: you start right where you are. You you stop worrying

554
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:25,239
Speaker 1: about where you're going to get. So I didn't. I

555
00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:28,200
Speaker 1: couldn't even worry about what life was going to be

556
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:30,960
Speaker 1: like five years in the future because I was worried

557
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:35,239
Speaker 1: I wouldn't survive that day. So I just I put

558
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:38,319
Speaker 1: it aside. How is this all going to work out?

559
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:40,160
Speaker 1: Am I going to be able to do this? How?

560
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:42,320
Speaker 1: How am I going to do it? And just start

561
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,920
Speaker 1: right now? And how I started right now was by

562
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:52,320
Speaker 1: reading memoirs as self care. I watched how other um

563
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:56,160
Speaker 1: my friends parents treated them like I started going to

564
00:35:56,160 --> 00:36:00,920
Speaker 1: a lot of other families Sunday night dinners and taking notes.

565
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,680
Speaker 1: I paid attention that the biggest thing here is I

566
00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:07,920
Speaker 1: paid attention to my life. I asked questions and then

567
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:12,120
Speaker 1: paid attention to the answers. And sometimes it was as

568
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:14,800
Speaker 1: simple as you know. When I was trying to decide

569
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,640
Speaker 1: what principles do I want and what is a principle?

570
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:21,400
Speaker 1: I just spent a day googling it. I focused on

571
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:26,120
Speaker 1: the question and typed things like what are principles and

572
00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:29,320
Speaker 1: which one should I have? And as I went through

573
00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:33,480
Speaker 1: the answers that I just read online, I journaled about it.

574
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:36,520
Speaker 1: I journaled about what's important to me, which got me

575
00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:38,880
Speaker 1: to wait, you know what would be cool is if

576
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:41,200
Speaker 1: I knew where my self esteem came from. If I

577
00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:43,960
Speaker 1: was able to name where my self esteem came from,

578
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:47,480
Speaker 1: So let me write down that. By by asking the questions,

579
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:51,920
Speaker 1: you just get moving and that's all that matters. I

580
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:53,799
Speaker 1: think it's just that you have to take off the

581
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:57,439
Speaker 1: table the end results like know that you'll get there,

582
00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:01,080
Speaker 1: But it's you know, it's so cliche, but the process

583
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:04,879
Speaker 1: is usually the thing that matters most, and in this

584
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:08,040
Speaker 1: case it was true too. So I wrote down the

585
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:13,200
Speaker 1: questions and I just started attacking them without worrying how

586
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,560
Speaker 1: is this all going to work out? Yeah? You can't

587
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,800
Speaker 1: focus so much on the outcome. You have to follow

588
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:33,040
Speaker 1: the curiosity exactly exactly and be gentle with yourself. And

589
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:36,040
Speaker 1: when you talk about the principles that you were googling. Now,

590
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:40,600
Speaker 1: are there are there certain kind of tenants principles in

591
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:44,640
Speaker 1: your life that are your go too? Yeah, I'm actually um.

592
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:47,120
Speaker 1: I can look at my wall next to me, which

593
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:51,719
Speaker 1: has three places I derived my self esteem, my principles,

594
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:53,799
Speaker 1: and then what I want people to say about me

595
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:57,240
Speaker 1: when I'm dead, and those are sort of the guiding

596
00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:02,279
Speaker 1: light of being able to check back in with myself. Um,

597
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:05,600
Speaker 1: but you know the principles and just looking at the wall. Um.

598
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:09,040
Speaker 1: My Number one is enjoy life, that this is an

599
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,839
Speaker 1: adventure and not a crisis to endure. And I I

600
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: have to come back to that basically every day, especially

601
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:22,080
Speaker 1: now that even in a crisis, you get to choose

602
00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:24,640
Speaker 1: who you are and how you're going to live through it.

603
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:27,160
Speaker 1: And if this is the only life we're going to

604
00:38:27,239 --> 00:38:31,399
Speaker 1: be granted, then we've better make sure we're enjoying just

605
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 1: a sliver of it, because otherwise I think it's a

606
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:38,200
Speaker 1: very ungracious way to thank the universe for putting you here.

607
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:42,840
Speaker 1: And I did just use the word universe earnestly. But

608
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:46,160
Speaker 1: that's my biggest is to really find how to enjoy

609
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:49,359
Speaker 1: my life. And then the second would be to give

610
00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:53,279
Speaker 1: gratitude for that life, to make sure that I'm you know,

611
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:56,360
Speaker 1: letting people know how important they are to me, that

612
00:38:56,480 --> 00:39:02,000
Speaker 1: I'm smiling and looking people in the eye and thanking them,

613
00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:05,279
Speaker 1: and that I act in a way that is full

614
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:10,120
Speaker 1: of gratitude because that gratitude really has changed my life.

615
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:13,960
Speaker 1: Instead of thinking about what I don't have, how I'm

616
00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:18,719
Speaker 1: not achieving, really counting and keeping an inventory of what

617
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:22,239
Speaker 1: I do have and and how thankful I am for that.

618
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:26,400
Speaker 1: Those are two really important ones. Is gratitude part of

619
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:31,719
Speaker 1: your journaling practice? Yes? Um, So every morning, the first

620
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:36,280
Speaker 1: thing I do is I write three pages of free

621
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:40,440
Speaker 1: flowing thoughts. I I picked this up from Julia Cameron's

622
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:42,920
Speaker 1: The Artist Way, which is an have you read The

623
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,640
Speaker 1: Artist Way? So it's really interesting. A friend of mine

624
00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:48,560
Speaker 1: gave it to me a couple of years ago, and

625
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:52,720
Speaker 1: every time that I've gone to start it, I've wound

626
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:55,640
Speaker 1: up booking a job and then not been able to. Yeah.

627
00:39:55,800 --> 00:40:00,000
Speaker 1: Well and I and I quite literally two days ago,

628
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,080
Speaker 1: pulled it off my bookshelf and thought this should probably

629
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:11,000
Speaker 1: be my pandemic project. Wow, well that's crazy. Yeah, thanks,

630
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:19,680
Speaker 1: Oh my god, oh my goodness. That feels very faded. Okay, okay, here,

631
00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:26,120
Speaker 1: all right, all right, I see you, universe, I see

632
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:29,680
Speaker 1: you right now. That's a little sparkly jumpy sign. Yeah.

633
00:40:30,239 --> 00:40:34,280
Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, the artist's way. That what taught

634
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:39,719
Speaker 1: you to journal? Yes, because that's always a question I've had.

635
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:42,120
Speaker 1: I've always wanted to be a person who keeps a journal.

636
00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:45,279
Speaker 1: But I don't get it. I'm like, what do you

637
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:49,040
Speaker 1: how to? What do you do with that blank page?

638
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:53,320
Speaker 1: Like I, similarly to you, was such a good student

639
00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:56,480
Speaker 1: and such an overachiever in school, and just I love school.

640
00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:58,120
Speaker 1: I still miss school. All I want to do is

641
00:40:58,160 --> 00:40:59,880
Speaker 1: go back to school. Like if I won the lottery,

642
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:04,520
Speaker 1: I would literally just go to school forever. And I

643
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:09,399
Speaker 1: love a prompt. Yeah, And I have this feeling even

644
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,839
Speaker 1: as an adult, I have this feeling of panic when

645
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:16,719
Speaker 1: I see a blank page. So interesting because first off,

646
00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:18,440
Speaker 1: it makes total sense to me that you want to

647
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:21,560
Speaker 1: that you would be a student forever. You're one of

648
00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:24,920
Speaker 1: the most curious people I've ever encountered. And that's why

649
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,400
Speaker 1: I love your podcast so much, is because I always

650
00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:31,640
Speaker 1: know I'm going to learn something new. Um, because you're

651
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:36,239
Speaker 1: following your own curiosity so authentically. But with journaling, you know.

652
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:41,719
Speaker 1: Now I've been doing it for I think like nine years, um,

653
00:41:41,719 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 1: not really skipping days. So on the other side of it,

654
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:48,600
Speaker 1: it's it's so easy now, it's like second nature. At

655
00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:52,080
Speaker 1: the beginning, I only tell you that so that at

656
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:55,880
Speaker 1: the beginning, I thought journaling was for broken narcissists, and

657
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 1: I absolutely was not going to do it. I thought

658
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:01,799
Speaker 1: you must be its like caught and way to end

659
00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:05,759
Speaker 1: yourself to journal, like your life is so important you

660
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:11,000
Speaker 1: and guess what my life is important? It's important to me, like, yes,

661
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:13,160
Speaker 1: of course, and I'd like to make a difference and

662
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 1: I'd like to do good things. So it's okay to

663
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,560
Speaker 1: to say I have a voice. I'd like to use

664
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:22,160
Speaker 1: it and in this completely non offensive way in my journal.

665
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:25,839
Speaker 1: And so Julia Cameron teaches she has a practice called

666
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:29,320
Speaker 1: the Morning Pages, and I should add I was also

667
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:34,520
Speaker 1: really apprehensive of journaling because I had journaled as a

668
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:39,000
Speaker 1: little kid, and in my parents divorce, a family friend

669
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:42,680
Speaker 1: found my journal and entered it into my parents divorce

670
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:46,080
Speaker 1: proceedings as evidence that I was a liar, that I

671
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:50,839
Speaker 1: would embellish things, and that I shouldn't be trusted. Yeah,

672
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,200
Speaker 1: and when I when I think about it, I get

673
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:58,480
Speaker 1: really angry and like my ears fold up like little sheets,

674
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:01,120
Speaker 1: like that's how they're like when I when I think

675
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:05,319
Speaker 1: about the anger I feed for a violation. Yeah, it

676
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:09,160
Speaker 1: was awful, and I was. I was twelve and being told,

677
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:13,880
Speaker 1: you know, your word is not valuable and in fact

678
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:17,120
Speaker 1: is a problem, you know, and you're not to be trusted.

679
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:21,520
Speaker 1: And so I had really resisted journaling. But again on

680
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:24,759
Speaker 1: a good day, I was openly weeping on the subway.

681
00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:29,680
Speaker 1: So I just thought, whatever, I have nothing left to lose.

682
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:33,960
Speaker 1: Let me try these morning pages. And what the morning

683
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: pages are are three pages of just word vomit. What

684
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:42,360
Speaker 1: are you thinking? Thoughts? And as you begin, it's okay

685
00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 1: if what you write is I hate the morning pages.

686
00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:46,960
Speaker 1: This really sucks. I have nothing to say. I was

687
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,240
Speaker 1: there was a prompt. Why would someone give me a prompt?

688
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:53,360
Speaker 1: Because what you're doing is I call it d m

689
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:56,759
Speaker 1: NG with your soul, like you're getting in touch with

690
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:02,000
Speaker 1: that part of you that's got semi sneak secret word messages,

691
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:05,920
Speaker 1: like you're touching it and saying like I'm here, I'm listening.

692
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:10,560
Speaker 1: So the content really doesn't matter, like it doesn't even

693
00:44:10,600 --> 00:44:12,680
Speaker 1: it doesn't need to look nice. It doesn't need to

694
00:44:12,719 --> 00:44:15,520
Speaker 1: be an accounting of the cool sushi you ate last night.

695
00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:20,080
Speaker 1: Nobody's asking anyone to write a novel. It's just can

696
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:22,520
Speaker 1: you start to get in touch with your self awareness?

697
00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:25,000
Speaker 1: Can you start to get in touch with the things

698
00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:28,240
Speaker 1: that that you care about and want to think about?

699
00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 1: And in the book, I provide some prompts to help

700
00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:36,400
Speaker 1: getting started, but they're all really simple, like here's exactly

701
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:40,600
Speaker 1: how I feel today. Something as simple as that can

702
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:44,879
Speaker 1: really jump start you on journaling. But it's it has

703
00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:48,520
Speaker 1: changed my life. I mean, if any practice from the

704
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:54,320
Speaker 1: book has worked, Journaling gave me perspective, gave me a

705
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:57,920
Speaker 1: little distance from my thoughts and emotions so that I

706
00:44:57,960 --> 00:45:01,640
Speaker 1: can see them and see and see them physically on

707
00:45:01,680 --> 00:45:07,640
Speaker 1: a page. And then you can see what the egoic

708
00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:11,600
Speaker 1: part of the brain, that insidious, nasty voice, you call

709
00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:14,240
Speaker 1: it your friend of me, which I love. You see

710
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:16,839
Speaker 1: the way that that part of your brain talks to you,

711
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:21,319
Speaker 1: and and you you begin to get a little context

712
00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:24,480
Speaker 1: to undo the lies it tells you, yes, and to

713
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:28,279
Speaker 1: see that your front of me within is not you

714
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:30,759
Speaker 1: your friend of me. In the book I write, you know,

715
00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:33,880
Speaker 1: it's like the girl that you met at summer camp

716
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 1: and your other friends are like, why are you inviting

717
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:40,280
Speaker 1: her to our dinner parties? She sucks, She's like draining

718
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:42,600
Speaker 1: all of the energy. And You're like, well, we have

719
00:45:42,719 --> 00:45:45,040
Speaker 1: a history and I've known her a long time and

720
00:45:45,080 --> 00:45:48,480
Speaker 1: if we met today wouldn't be friends. But here we are.

721
00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:52,240
Speaker 1: Because I think most people can relate to having someone

722
00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:55,400
Speaker 1: like that in their lives. I finally stopped being friends

723
00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:59,279
Speaker 1: with those people and and it was awesome, right, And

724
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:03,160
Speaker 1: nothing bad happens. No, nothing bad happened. That's another thing

725
00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:06,640
Speaker 1: to write about. You can stop hanging out with people

726
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 1: you don't like and nothing bad will happen. Yeah, Like,

727
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:13,759
Speaker 1: just because you were friends with someone from your childhood,

728
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:16,040
Speaker 1: if they're not a nice person in their adulthood, you

729
00:46:16,080 --> 00:46:18,120
Speaker 1: don't have to be there for Yeah. Or if you

730
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:20,759
Speaker 1: met them in college and they were your roommate and

731
00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:23,960
Speaker 1: they're supposed to be your best friend forever, but they

732
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:27,680
Speaker 1: are driving you insane and never ask you a single

733
00:46:27,760 --> 00:46:31,560
Speaker 1: question about yourself. Yeah, you do not need to hang

734
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:33,839
Speaker 1: out with people you do not want to hang out with.

735
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:39,200
Speaker 1: Um and especially not front of me, is within who

736
00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:43,160
Speaker 1: reside in your own mind? Because you've got some control there,

737
00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:46,719
Speaker 1: so that just as you were saying the journeying, it

738
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:49,920
Speaker 1: really gets you in touch with how vicious you can

739
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,879
Speaker 1: be to yourself. I didn't know that. I didn't know

740
00:46:54,239 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 1: the extent of how mean I was, and that the

741
00:46:57,120 --> 00:47:01,440
Speaker 1: soundtrack of my life was a disc track. I was

742
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:07,680
Speaker 1: just constantly distracting myself, just constant criticism. And so the

743
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:11,360
Speaker 1: journaling really showed me, Wait, you think you're too old

744
00:47:11,480 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 1: to find love? And this wasn't like five, I'm writing

745
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:18,840
Speaker 1: I'm too old to find love. I'm too old to

746
00:47:18,880 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 1: have a fulfilling career. If I haven't done it yet,

747
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:27,000
Speaker 1: I never will. Like it was pathetic that that I

748
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:30,440
Speaker 1: thought that, and and too old for what I mean

749
00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:33,799
Speaker 1: really at any age, it's like, wait, why who said that?

750
00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:36,600
Speaker 1: Oh I did? Okay, so that's a lie. I can

751
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:39,919
Speaker 1: change that. And isn't it interesting that when you tell

752
00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:44,959
Speaker 1: a lie about yourself, you projected as true rights rights? Absolutely?

753
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:48,160
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of what journaling is about

754
00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:52,680
Speaker 1: is discerning between beliefs and truth. That you can believe

755
00:47:52,760 --> 00:47:55,839
Speaker 1: you're too old to do something, but the truth is

756
00:47:56,000 --> 00:48:00,480
Speaker 1: completely different, and that these self limiting beliefs we have

757
00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:03,480
Speaker 1: the power to change, but we can't change them if

758
00:48:03,480 --> 00:48:06,399
Speaker 1: we don't know them. And the best way to know them,

759
00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:10,600
Speaker 1: I find is to journal. I know journaling is disgusting

760
00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:13,600
Speaker 1: and horrible and nobody wants to do it. But on

761
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:17,200
Speaker 1: the other side of it, as somebody who really was

762
00:48:17,360 --> 00:48:21,040
Speaker 1: not a believer, I can say it's it's a habit,

763
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:24,440
Speaker 1: it's a practice, and once you're in it, it's awesome

764
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:28,120
Speaker 1: and really healthy. You just have to give yourself the

765
00:48:28,880 --> 00:48:33,000
Speaker 1: space to do it. Yeah. Well, and I love there's

766
00:48:33,040 --> 00:48:38,360
Speaker 1: something that you talk about that journaling physicalizes the thought.

767
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:41,879
Speaker 1: It makes your mind and your hand connect to each other,

768
00:48:42,640 --> 00:48:46,160
Speaker 1: and and that led you into one of my favorite

769
00:48:46,200 --> 00:48:48,360
Speaker 1: quotes of yours, As you said, there's a real difference

770
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:53,279
Speaker 1: between truth and a belief, and I think the thing

771
00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:58,319
Speaker 1: that can discern is that mind hand connection. Yes, I

772
00:48:58,360 --> 00:49:02,800
Speaker 1: think that's the key to journaling, is that it's physical.

773
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:06,000
Speaker 1: And everything I write about in the book is physical,

774
00:49:06,719 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 1: even the emotional things, because I think if you're lost

775
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:13,759
Speaker 1: in your head and overwhelmed by your thoughts, it's hard

776
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:16,280
Speaker 1: to get anything done. Like we were talking about, even

777
00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:19,200
Speaker 1: how do I start to reprogram myself, how do I

778
00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:22,400
Speaker 1: start to reparent myself? If you're in your head about

779
00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:27,960
Speaker 1: how complicated that is. You can't even begin. So all

780
00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:30,759
Speaker 1: the things I write about are small rituals that you

781
00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:34,120
Speaker 1: can do in the real world, physical things that you

782
00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 1: can see, because I find that that gives us so

783
00:49:37,719 --> 00:49:42,240
Speaker 1: much more power and momentum to keep moving because we

784
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 1: see the progress. You know, I can look at my

785
00:49:44,640 --> 00:49:49,440
Speaker 1: bookshelf and I'm looking at thirty notebooks, like I see

786
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:53,960
Speaker 1: that I have been working on understanding myself better, being

787
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:57,440
Speaker 1: a more compassionate person in this world. I know I have.

788
00:49:57,640 --> 00:50:00,359
Speaker 1: I can just look at these notebooks. That's what I've doing.

789
00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:03,759
Speaker 1: So you write in notebooks, not in a Google doc

790
00:50:03,880 --> 00:50:06,640
Speaker 1: or something. So I have I've got two things. So

791
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:09,160
Speaker 1: I've got the Google doc, which is what the book

792
00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:12,120
Speaker 1: is based off of, which ended up being six hundred

793
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:16,480
Speaker 1: pages of let Me Reparent Myself, and so I've I've

794
00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:19,600
Speaker 1: got that, and then I've got the journals, which were

795
00:50:19,680 --> 00:50:23,600
Speaker 1: every morning, the three pages. So what was the difference?

796
00:50:23,680 --> 00:50:26,480
Speaker 1: What what were you you were journaling your three pages?

797
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:28,640
Speaker 1: Why why did you even start the Google doc in

798
00:50:28,680 --> 00:50:32,480
Speaker 1: the first place. The pages are really just they're not

799
00:50:32,680 --> 00:50:37,960
Speaker 1: meant to tell a story or be productive. There's no

800
00:50:38,040 --> 00:50:40,880
Speaker 1: there's nothing productive that I'm doing in my journal, Like

801
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:44,319
Speaker 1: there's no goal. There's a lot that is productive about it,

802
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:47,759
Speaker 1: but that's not the aim. The aim is just get

803
00:50:47,800 --> 00:50:52,200
Speaker 1: in touch. The Google doc had a really serious, urgent

804
00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:56,960
Speaker 1: goal in mind, which was how do I take responsibility

805
00:50:57,000 --> 00:51:01,120
Speaker 1: for my life in a joyful way? Because first I thought,

806
00:51:01,120 --> 00:51:04,879
Speaker 1: taking responsibility for my life is gonna be so sucky.

807
00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:08,200
Speaker 1: That was gonna be just like literally the worst experience.

808
00:51:08,480 --> 00:51:12,279
Speaker 1: Why would I take responsibility. I even thought, if I

809
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:15,319
Speaker 1: take responsibility, then I can't blame my parents anymore. That

810
00:51:15,400 --> 00:51:18,160
Speaker 1: sounds like a bad idea, Like I had that conscious

811
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:22,279
Speaker 1: thought that I couldn't blame anybody anymore. And on the

812
00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:24,200
Speaker 1: other side, I'm like, oh yeah, and now I'm free

813
00:51:24,239 --> 00:51:27,560
Speaker 1: of blame, which is awesome, Like I feel so much better.

814
00:51:27,680 --> 00:51:31,160
Speaker 1: Like it turns out it's much worse to not take

815
00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:34,680
Speaker 1: responsibility for your life than to take responsibility. So the

816
00:51:34,719 --> 00:51:39,600
Speaker 1: Google doc really it was more like, here are the steps,

817
00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:43,000
Speaker 1: Here's how I'm going to take care of this. Here's

818
00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:47,600
Speaker 1: how to cook Swiss chart. This is a here's a

819
00:51:47,680 --> 00:51:50,680
Speaker 1: passage from Nora Afron about how she feels about her body.

820
00:51:50,800 --> 00:51:53,040
Speaker 1: How do I feel about my body, How can I

821
00:51:53,160 --> 00:51:56,319
Speaker 1: change it? Here's a Google result for how to change

822
00:51:56,360 --> 00:52:01,000
Speaker 1: what you think about your body? It was much more

823
00:52:01,280 --> 00:52:07,280
Speaker 1: goal oriented. Yeah, And do you think that that's where

824
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:11,560
Speaker 1: you were able to start the reckoning because I think about,

825
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:15,879
Speaker 1: you know, even when I've read interviews where you've talked

826
00:52:15,920 --> 00:52:19,240
Speaker 1: about how you just want to blast through that super

827
00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:24,080
Speaker 1: annoying phrase or mythology of like follow your bliss, it's

828
00:52:24,120 --> 00:52:26,640
Speaker 1: like you you had to you had to walk into

829
00:52:26,719 --> 00:52:30,719
Speaker 1: uncharted territory, into your pain to get to bliss on

830
00:52:30,760 --> 00:52:36,080
Speaker 1: the other side. And and and do you think, yeah,

831
00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:39,440
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna stop there. And I love that you

832
00:52:39,480 --> 00:52:44,719
Speaker 1: brought that up because one of my top hated phrases

833
00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:48,640
Speaker 1: is follow your bliss, because I'm like, oh, really, where

834
00:52:48,719 --> 00:52:52,319
Speaker 1: does one find that bliss? Like that was everyone else

835
00:52:52,400 --> 00:52:55,759
Speaker 1: just given what they were supposed to love and I'm

836
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:59,080
Speaker 1: just here like saying like, well, I'm not exactly sure. Also,

837
00:52:59,120 --> 00:53:02,520
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to start vive over here. So thanks

838
00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:07,920
Speaker 1: for this overwhelming burden of bliss. Um. So I hated

839
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:09,719
Speaker 1: that phrase so much. And that was what people were

840
00:53:09,719 --> 00:53:12,280
Speaker 1: saying when I graduated college. That was like a big

841
00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:16,440
Speaker 1: college graduation game. Follow your passion follow your bliss, Like cool,

842
00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:18,360
Speaker 1: I have a bunch of student loans to payoff, so

843
00:53:18,440 --> 00:53:21,400
Speaker 1: thank you. Um, You're like, also, what if my passion

844
00:53:21,480 --> 00:53:23,920
Speaker 1: is for expensive wine because I need to not be

845
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:26,880
Speaker 1: an alcoholic or be drunk all the time, Like, shall

846
00:53:26,920 --> 00:53:31,600
Speaker 1: I follow that? Like how am I supposed to afford this? Yeah? Exactly.

847
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:35,280
Speaker 1: So my whole thing is just take the next step.

848
00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:40,359
Speaker 1: If something is interesting and you are interested in it,

849
00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:43,960
Speaker 1: just what is the next step towards that interest? And

850
00:53:44,719 --> 00:53:48,120
Speaker 1: I don't know where I'm ultimately going to end up,

851
00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:51,840
Speaker 1: like my ultimate job, I have no idea. All I

852
00:53:51,920 --> 00:53:55,200
Speaker 1: know is that I keep following what I'm interested in,

853
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:59,520
Speaker 1: what I am curious about, and I take responsibility for

854
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:03,279
Speaker 1: my mental health. These are the things that I can do.

855
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:07,400
Speaker 1: And it's maybe it's not as sexy as follow your bliss,

856
00:54:07,440 --> 00:54:11,759
Speaker 1: follow your passion, but it's freeing because I'm not so

857
00:54:11,840 --> 00:54:17,440
Speaker 1: worried about did I achieve the big goal? Like I

858
00:54:17,440 --> 00:54:20,920
Speaker 1: don't know. I'm doing the very best I can and

859
00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:24,759
Speaker 1: I'm very happy. So that feels pretty good to me,

860
00:54:25,080 --> 00:54:28,239
Speaker 1: you know. Um, and I and back to what you're

861
00:54:28,239 --> 00:54:31,000
Speaker 1: saying at the very beginning, I think if you think

862
00:54:31,040 --> 00:54:35,040
Speaker 1: about this as a huge project that it's gonna up

863
00:54:35,160 --> 00:54:37,560
Speaker 1: end your life, and it's going to be so overwhelming

864
00:54:38,120 --> 00:54:41,839
Speaker 1: it's really hard to start. So that's again and and

865
00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:43,880
Speaker 1: a reason why I don't think about follow your bliss.

866
00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:47,360
Speaker 1: I think about follow the next step, Follow what excites

867
00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:51,320
Speaker 1: me sometimes follow You know what? Am I envious of

868
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:54,360
Speaker 1: other people? Like when I see somebody like has a

869
00:54:54,440 --> 00:54:59,280
Speaker 1: project and I feel a little like envy, Like, oh, envy?

870
00:54:59,520 --> 00:55:01,080
Speaker 1: Why do I feel that? What are you trying to

871
00:55:01,080 --> 00:55:03,520
Speaker 1: say to me? Okay, you want to be doing something

872
00:55:03,560 --> 00:55:07,239
Speaker 1: like that. Okay, let's let's write through this. Let's figure

873
00:55:07,239 --> 00:55:11,239
Speaker 1: out what you want to do. I'm paying attention as

874
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:16,759
Speaker 1: opposed to just barreling through my life either feeling ashamed

875
00:55:16,760 --> 00:55:21,080
Speaker 1: of my thoughts or ignoring them. I really love that.

876
00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:25,880
Speaker 1: And getting over the shame in your fear or in

877
00:55:25,920 --> 00:55:29,920
Speaker 1: your desire is such a big deal, I think, especially

878
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:34,960
Speaker 1: for women. You know, it's tied. There's shame tied to ambition,

879
00:55:35,040 --> 00:55:40,720
Speaker 1: their shame tied to intimate desire. There's shame tied two independence.

880
00:55:40,760 --> 00:55:43,600
Speaker 1: I mean so so much. And to get out from

881
00:55:43,680 --> 00:55:48,200
Speaker 1: underneath that. Yeah, I feel like a herculean task at times.

882
00:55:48,280 --> 00:55:51,040
Speaker 1: Oh and it is. I mean, I love what you're

883
00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:53,600
Speaker 1: saying right there. I mean, to be a woman is

884
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:57,880
Speaker 1: to be told to be ashamed of yourself, like Adam

885
00:55:57,920 --> 00:56:03,279
Speaker 1: and Eve like are first origin story is, you know,

886
00:56:03,560 --> 00:56:07,480
Speaker 1: this shameful tale of a woman tempting a man and

887
00:56:07,520 --> 00:56:12,040
Speaker 1: then we damned everybody this story that and that's our

888
00:56:12,120 --> 00:56:15,880
Speaker 1: foundational text of what it is to be a woman.

889
00:56:16,600 --> 00:56:21,120
Speaker 1: And you know, I've started thinking of that story as

890
00:56:21,480 --> 00:56:25,640
Speaker 1: he was kind of cool, like he was like, oh, knowledge,

891
00:56:26,120 --> 00:56:29,200
Speaker 1: Like I'd liked, I want to know more. And actually,

892
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:32,360
Speaker 1: is it so bad that then they were in touch

893
00:56:32,440 --> 00:56:36,279
Speaker 1: with what was real that they were in this complete

894
00:56:36,360 --> 00:56:40,880
Speaker 1: fantasyans and then by having a little knowledge, they actually

895
00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:43,279
Speaker 1: were able to get in touch with this is the

896
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:47,040
Speaker 1: reality of the world, and let's learn about it, you know.

897
00:56:47,080 --> 00:56:51,160
Speaker 1: So I think for women were so tied to shame

898
00:56:51,800 --> 00:56:56,480
Speaker 1: and but they're really there's some low hanging fruit um

899
00:56:56,520 --> 00:56:58,080
Speaker 1: of how to get over shame, you know. And for

900
00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:01,840
Speaker 1: me it's writing, like writing out how I feel so

901
00:57:01,880 --> 00:57:04,400
Speaker 1: that I'm comfortable and nobody else has to see it.

902
00:57:04,480 --> 00:57:10,600
Speaker 1: But if it's in a beautiful penny decorated golden spines journal,

903
00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:13,960
Speaker 1: it's a lot easier to deal with those feelings. And

904
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:18,280
Speaker 1: those thoughts and and to practice, and you talk about

905
00:57:18,680 --> 00:57:21,640
Speaker 1: I mean the title of the book, by the fucking lilies,

906
00:57:22,080 --> 00:57:26,280
Speaker 1: You're worth buying yourself seven dollar flowers. You can put

907
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:29,440
Speaker 1: something in your room that makes it it look beautiful.

908
00:57:29,920 --> 00:57:35,320
Speaker 1: You can quite literally give yourself gifts because you are worthy,

909
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:38,880
Speaker 1: and you are. You are teaching your body and your

910
00:57:39,160 --> 00:57:43,640
Speaker 1: and your brain that you appreciate your own worthiness. And

911
00:57:43,760 --> 00:57:48,640
Speaker 1: but but how my first reflex to that even where

912
00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:51,600
Speaker 1: I am is you know, nobody, We're not worth it.

913
00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:54,040
Speaker 1: And then I have to be like, wait a minute,

914
00:57:54,400 --> 00:57:58,600
Speaker 1: we absolutely are. You know, I had where the title

915
00:57:58,640 --> 00:58:01,880
Speaker 1: of the book comes from, is on this reparenting journey,

916
00:58:01,920 --> 00:58:04,720
Speaker 1: I would go to Trader Joe's, I went to see

917
00:58:04,720 --> 00:58:07,160
Speaker 1: the seven dollar lilies, and I would think those are

918
00:58:07,240 --> 00:58:09,760
Speaker 1: just too good for me. I'm not worth them. They're

919
00:58:09,760 --> 00:58:16,880
Speaker 1: gonna die there. It's stupid. I'm stupid, what a stupid indulgence.

920
00:58:17,240 --> 00:58:19,520
Speaker 1: Until one day I got sick of that and I

921
00:58:19,560 --> 00:58:23,320
Speaker 1: was like, look this, I am worth lilies. I'm at

922
00:58:23,400 --> 00:58:27,800
Speaker 1: least worth seven dollars. Otherwise, why am I working so hard? Well?

923
00:58:27,880 --> 00:58:29,760
Speaker 1: Why am I here at all? If I'm not worth

924
00:58:30,360 --> 00:58:34,360
Speaker 1: a bouquet of flowers? That literally can change my entire day.

925
00:58:34,400 --> 00:58:38,480
Speaker 1: That the they're so beautiful and they bring me such joy,

926
00:58:38,600 --> 00:58:42,520
Speaker 1: and and so I think, you know, self care. You

927
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:45,600
Speaker 1: could think of self care as a vacation to to loom.

928
00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:49,240
Speaker 1: And I've got nothing against touloum. Toloom is lovely, but

929
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:52,000
Speaker 1: that's not self care. You could think of self care

930
00:58:52,080 --> 00:58:55,080
Speaker 1: as buying yourself a beautiful face mask. I got nothing

931
00:58:55,080 --> 00:58:58,760
Speaker 1: against face masks, but that is it's like self soothed

932
00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:01,480
Speaker 1: and really nice. But it's not self care. Self care

933
00:59:02,240 --> 00:59:07,000
Speaker 1: is luxuriating and the mundane details of our lives, taking

934
00:59:07,080 --> 00:59:10,440
Speaker 1: care of ourselves like we would a little kid, you know,

935
00:59:10,600 --> 00:59:13,880
Speaker 1: And that and that, those those little habits we build

936
00:59:13,920 --> 00:59:17,160
Speaker 1: for ourselves, those rituals we build for ourselves are so

937
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:20,880
Speaker 1: much more enjoyable than any vacation. They and they last

938
00:59:20,920 --> 00:59:25,440
Speaker 1: a lifetime. The lilies. You know, even in this pandemic,

939
00:59:25,680 --> 00:59:29,400
Speaker 1: I am still buying myself flowers at Trader Joe's. When

940
00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:33,600
Speaker 1: I go for my rations. Part of my rations are flowers.

941
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:36,840
Speaker 1: And if they stop selling flowers, it's gonna be baths.

942
00:59:37,200 --> 00:59:39,200
Speaker 1: And if I can't take a bath, it's gonna be

943
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:43,680
Speaker 1: clean socks. There's always some small thing that you can

944
00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:49,000
Speaker 1: do two as you were saying before, unite your minds

945
00:59:49,080 --> 00:59:54,840
Speaker 1: and your body and just showing yourself that you're worth it. Yeah. God,

946
00:59:56,040 --> 00:59:59,080
Speaker 1: I love that you say that about how you would

947
00:59:59,120 --> 01:00:01,840
Speaker 1: parent a child. I one of the most kind of

948
01:00:01,840 --> 01:00:08,160
Speaker 1: profound realizations that I've had in my life was I

949
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:10,560
Speaker 1: was working a job years ago that was a really

950
01:00:10,640 --> 01:00:16,400
Speaker 1: toxic working environment, and I was making every excuse for

951
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:18,480
Speaker 1: how I could handle it, how I could fix it,

952
01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:21,160
Speaker 1: how I could solve for it, how I needed to

953
01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:23,080
Speaker 1: take care of my crew, and you know, yeah, it

954
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:26,040
Speaker 1: sucked for me, but there were two hundred people's jobs there,

955
01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:28,760
Speaker 1: and you know what, I had all these excuses for

956
01:00:28,880 --> 01:00:32,560
Speaker 1: why I was taking it. And while I was doing

957
01:00:32,600 --> 01:00:36,240
Speaker 1: that job, one of my closest friends had a baby,

958
01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:44,120
Speaker 1: and I remember standing there and holding her eight day

959
01:00:44,120 --> 01:00:50,560
Speaker 1: old son in my arms, and we were laughing because obviously,

960
01:00:50,600 --> 01:00:54,120
Speaker 1: you know, my voice is like I register at the

961
01:00:54,200 --> 01:00:58,360
Speaker 1: level of dub step like a other thing. And when

962
01:00:58,440 --> 01:01:01,320
Speaker 1: she was pregnant and I would talk into her belly,

963
01:01:01,480 --> 01:01:04,960
Speaker 1: he would always start moving around a lot. The first

964
01:01:05,000 --> 01:01:07,439
Speaker 1: time that I spoke to him, he looked at me

965
01:01:08,000 --> 01:01:11,320
Speaker 1: in this way like, oh and she went he knows

966
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:16,200
Speaker 1: it's you, like he knows your voice. It was crazy.

967
01:01:16,360 --> 01:01:22,160
Speaker 1: It was just this crazy experience. And you know, she

968
01:01:22,360 --> 01:01:24,200
Speaker 1: is one of the people I love the most on

969
01:01:24,240 --> 01:01:28,000
Speaker 1: the planet, and so obviously that transfers, and I love

970
01:01:28,080 --> 01:01:31,360
Speaker 1: him the most, and I would like pick up a car,

971
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:34,920
Speaker 1: you know, for him, if I needed to. And I

972
01:01:35,000 --> 01:01:39,200
Speaker 1: was talking about just what a surreal thing it was,

973
01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:42,080
Speaker 1: what a perspective shift it was to be looking at

974
01:01:42,080 --> 01:01:47,800
Speaker 1: this new little person and and to realize that I

975
01:01:47,840 --> 01:01:50,760
Speaker 1: would do anything to protect him, and that I wasn't

976
01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:55,480
Speaker 1: protecting myself. And my therapist said to me, she was like,

977
01:01:55,520 --> 01:01:57,560
Speaker 1: this is really important. She said, you know, would you

978
01:01:57,600 --> 01:02:01,440
Speaker 1: ever allow someone to not that baby sleep? And I

979
01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:04,440
Speaker 1: said no? And she said, would you ever allow someone

980
01:02:04,480 --> 01:02:06,920
Speaker 1: to feed him food that would make him sick? I

981
01:02:06,920 --> 01:02:09,760
Speaker 1: said no. Would you allow someone to harm him physically

982
01:02:09,840 --> 01:02:12,520
Speaker 1: or emotionally? No? No, And we went through the whole list,

983
01:02:12,560 --> 01:02:15,160
Speaker 1: and she said, so, why are you more capable of

984
01:02:15,200 --> 01:02:17,840
Speaker 1: taking care of a baby that has its own parent?

985
01:02:19,840 --> 01:02:21,800
Speaker 1: Why do you why do you give him the care

986
01:02:21,880 --> 01:02:24,360
Speaker 1: he deserves but not give yourself the care you deserve.

987
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:29,040
Speaker 1: It's I mean, I'm nodding, nodding, nodding, yeah, it's a

988
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:35,240
Speaker 1: mind blown kind of moment. I yeah, I realized. You know,

989
01:02:35,360 --> 01:02:38,640
Speaker 1: if if a little girl, you know, scraped her knee

990
01:02:39,240 --> 01:02:43,040
Speaker 1: or was scared or you know, ashamed, or had fears,

991
01:02:43,080 --> 01:02:46,520
Speaker 1: would you yell at the little girl? Would you say

992
01:02:46,840 --> 01:02:49,200
Speaker 1: you need to keep working, do better, don't feel this,

993
01:02:49,880 --> 01:02:53,040
Speaker 1: you know, especially in a time in a crisis. If

994
01:02:53,080 --> 01:02:56,960
Speaker 1: if you know, people are feeling overwhelming anxiety or just fear,

995
01:02:57,280 --> 01:02:58,720
Speaker 1: just fear that they don't know what to do with.

996
01:02:59,200 --> 01:03:01,920
Speaker 1: If a little girl, little toddler comes up to you

997
01:03:02,160 --> 01:03:05,920
Speaker 1: and pulls on on your pants leg and says, I'm scared,

998
01:03:06,240 --> 01:03:09,120
Speaker 1: do you say you shouldn't be scared. Other people have

999
01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:13,680
Speaker 1: it worse than you. What do you say, Oh, I hear,

1000
01:03:13,880 --> 01:03:17,040
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way. Let's talk

1001
01:03:17,120 --> 01:03:20,760
Speaker 1: about it. You're okay right in this moment, you're safe.

1002
01:03:21,360 --> 01:03:25,360
Speaker 1: Let's do something nice, you know. And my whole mission

1003
01:03:25,520 --> 01:03:28,520
Speaker 1: of this book is to think of ourselves in those

1004
01:03:28,640 --> 01:03:31,480
Speaker 1: terms as people to be taken care of and not

1005
01:03:31,640 --> 01:03:35,400
Speaker 1: told to shut up and stop feeling your feelings, because

1006
01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:38,760
Speaker 1: we are taught that is, we were talking about shame

1007
01:03:39,440 --> 01:03:43,720
Speaker 1: as little girls were taught pretty quickly, you're wrong, your

1008
01:03:43,760 --> 01:03:47,000
Speaker 1: body is wrong. Don't speak too much, but speak but

1009
01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:49,960
Speaker 1: not like that. Wait a minute, you know, we're like

1010
01:03:50,080 --> 01:03:53,200
Speaker 1: put in box box box, box box, until we're so

1011
01:03:53,320 --> 01:03:57,680
Speaker 1: repressed and small and told to stay small that we

1012
01:03:57,760 --> 01:04:00,360
Speaker 1: start to believe that we are in fact small and

1013
01:04:00,360 --> 01:04:03,040
Speaker 1: that we don't have these feelings. We don't have these emotions,

1014
01:04:03,080 --> 01:04:05,800
Speaker 1: and we should feel ashamed. And what I'd like to

1015
01:04:05,840 --> 01:04:09,360
Speaker 1: do is free that little girl up and start taking

1016
01:04:09,360 --> 01:04:12,800
Speaker 1: care of her, even if she's thirty four, which is

1017
01:04:13,000 --> 01:04:17,280
Speaker 1: exactly where I find myself, you know, which is it's

1018
01:04:17,360 --> 01:04:20,640
Speaker 1: not too late to heal my thoughts. I'm worth taken

1019
01:04:20,640 --> 01:04:23,640
Speaker 1: care of. And I'm the best person to do that

1020
01:04:23,680 --> 01:04:27,000
Speaker 1: work because I know myself the best you know. And

1021
01:04:27,000 --> 01:04:29,680
Speaker 1: and it's not sad. A lot of people, you know,

1022
01:04:29,760 --> 01:04:32,440
Speaker 1: they'll say, I'm so sorry you had the childhood you had,

1023
01:04:32,480 --> 01:04:35,200
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry you have those parents, and like cool,

1024
01:04:35,240 --> 01:04:40,480
Speaker 1: because I'm not like that. Okay, okay, that's fine, and

1025
01:04:40,680 --> 01:04:44,920
Speaker 1: I mean I understand you're trying to empathize with me,

1026
01:04:45,520 --> 01:04:48,760
Speaker 1: but I'm grateful. You know, had I not gone through

1027
01:04:48,760 --> 01:04:51,800
Speaker 1: what I went through, I could just be blindly going

1028
01:04:51,840 --> 01:04:56,080
Speaker 1: through my life, letting it pass me by. But because

1029
01:04:56,120 --> 01:04:58,960
Speaker 1: of these experiences, I really had to take notice and

1030
01:04:59,040 --> 01:05:02,600
Speaker 1: decide well kind of person I wanted to be. And

1031
01:05:02,640 --> 01:05:08,560
Speaker 1: that has been an incredibly amazing gift that has let

1032
01:05:08,600 --> 01:05:12,000
Speaker 1: me be vulnerable with other people. That that that I

1033
01:05:12,040 --> 01:05:15,480
Speaker 1: get to meet you because I because of that, because

1034
01:05:15,520 --> 01:05:18,360
Speaker 1: that all happened, I get to cross your path. I

1035
01:05:18,400 --> 01:05:21,560
Speaker 1: get to cross paths of people who I would have

1036
01:05:21,600 --> 01:05:26,520
Speaker 1: otherwise never met. So, you know, there's there's always two

1037
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:30,080
Speaker 1: ways to look at something, you know, and I choose

1038
01:05:30,120 --> 01:05:34,080
Speaker 1: to reframe things to see what I am grateful about.

1039
01:05:34,160 --> 01:05:36,520
Speaker 1: You know, it doesn't take away the trauma, It doesn't

1040
01:05:36,520 --> 01:05:38,960
Speaker 1: take away the sorrow. Do I wish I had a

1041
01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:43,280
Speaker 1: relationship with my mom, Of course I do. But I

1042
01:05:43,360 --> 01:05:49,120
Speaker 1: also found maternal love for myself that I have cultivated

1043
01:05:49,200 --> 01:05:52,640
Speaker 1: and learned how to give. That wouldn't have happened. I

1044
01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:55,880
Speaker 1: wouldn't have become close with all the moms of my friends.

1045
01:05:55,920 --> 01:05:57,800
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have all of their love, I wouldn't have

1046
01:05:57,840 --> 01:06:01,160
Speaker 1: all of their support. So, you know, I think a

1047
01:06:01,200 --> 01:06:06,080
Speaker 1: lot of times, you know, we we get to choose

1048
01:06:06,080 --> 01:06:09,280
Speaker 1: the story we're telling ourselves. And Nora Efron has an

1049
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:15,520
Speaker 1: amazing quote at the Wellesley College commencement of She said,

1050
01:06:15,760 --> 01:06:19,480
Speaker 1: above all else, be the heroine of your life. M

1051
01:06:20,520 --> 01:06:22,840
Speaker 1: and I you know, I've got that taped to my

1052
01:06:22,880 --> 01:06:27,760
Speaker 1: wall about six times. You know, like that. That's our choice.

1053
01:06:28,360 --> 01:06:31,920
Speaker 1: It's it is a choice, no matter how bad the circumstance.

1054
01:06:32,400 --> 01:06:35,720
Speaker 1: And there are some really bad circumstances. So this is

1055
01:06:35,760 --> 01:06:39,920
Speaker 1: not to be Pollyanna about oh rose colored glasses. It's

1056
01:06:39,960 --> 01:06:44,320
Speaker 1: just your perspective. It's the one life you get. So

1057
01:06:44,360 --> 01:06:47,400
Speaker 1: if you're going to cast yourself as the victim, you

1058
01:06:47,440 --> 01:06:50,640
Speaker 1: are going to be the victim. And that's a role

1059
01:06:50,960 --> 01:06:54,600
Speaker 1: that is available. It's definitely not one that I want

1060
01:06:54,600 --> 01:06:59,760
Speaker 1: to play. Yeah, and it's such a good reminder that M.

1061
01:07:00,040 --> 01:07:07,080
Speaker 1: We actually can rest the control back. Yeah, choose the

1062
01:07:07,120 --> 01:07:10,800
Speaker 1: path of our own destiny. Yeah. And it's not to

1063
01:07:10,880 --> 01:07:15,600
Speaker 1: say that that's easy. You know. It takes oh use

1064
01:07:15,680 --> 01:07:19,280
Speaker 1: the word hercula, and you know, it takes a ton

1065
01:07:19,320 --> 01:07:23,000
Speaker 1: of effort and work and practice and sucking it up

1066
01:07:23,080 --> 01:07:25,440
Speaker 1: and then saying Okay, that's okay, I'm gonna get back

1067
01:07:25,480 --> 01:07:28,720
Speaker 1: up and I'm gonna try again. But the process, the

1068
01:07:28,800 --> 01:07:32,800
Speaker 1: effort is worth it, you know, it's it's it is

1069
01:07:32,880 --> 01:07:40,040
Speaker 1: absolutely worth it. I love that, I really do. Thank you. Wow. Well,

1070
01:07:41,200 --> 01:07:45,240
Speaker 1: my favorite question to ask everyone because the answer is

1071
01:07:45,280 --> 01:07:47,760
Speaker 1: always very and I'm always so fascinated and I'm really

1072
01:07:47,800 --> 01:07:51,640
Speaker 1: excited to hear yours. Um. Obviously, the podcast is called

1073
01:07:51,640 --> 01:07:56,120
Speaker 1: work in progress, and I'm really curious at this moment

1074
01:07:57,200 --> 01:07:59,560
Speaker 1: what feels like a work in progress in your life,

1075
01:07:59,560 --> 01:08:06,480
Speaker 1: whether it's personal or professional or perhaps pandemic orient Right, Oh,

1076
01:08:06,600 --> 01:08:09,600
Speaker 1: that I had forgotten we were in one. You had

1077
01:08:09,720 --> 01:08:12,240
Speaker 1: you had put me in a bubble of everything's okay.

1078
01:08:13,240 --> 01:08:15,920
Speaker 1: The I think the thing that I'm in the most

1079
01:08:16,000 --> 01:08:19,160
Speaker 1: progress about. You know, the book is all about the

1080
01:08:19,240 --> 01:08:22,000
Speaker 1: story of how I built stability and structure, how I

1081
01:08:22,080 --> 01:08:26,760
Speaker 1: kind of ground grounded myself. Mhm. But what I'm and

1082
01:08:26,800 --> 01:08:29,519
Speaker 1: I so I thought in writing the book, you know, oh,

1083
01:08:29,560 --> 01:08:31,559
Speaker 1: it's going to change my life because I'm gonna meet

1084
01:08:31,600 --> 01:08:34,000
Speaker 1: cool people and it's going to be so fun. That's

1085
01:08:34,080 --> 01:08:35,880
Speaker 1: that's how I thought it was going to change my life.

1086
01:08:35,880 --> 01:08:37,800
Speaker 1: And I thought it's going to be the end of

1087
01:08:37,840 --> 01:08:42,000
Speaker 1: my childhood. I'll have touched everything, and you know, that

1088
01:08:42,080 --> 01:08:44,639
Speaker 1: was probably a pretty naive thought. But now I realized

1089
01:08:44,640 --> 01:08:47,800
Speaker 1: it was just the beginning, that it was the beginning

1090
01:08:48,160 --> 01:08:51,400
Speaker 1: of a different path, not the end of an old one,

1091
01:08:52,000 --> 01:08:56,439
Speaker 1: and that I have a lot of fear around what

1092
01:08:56,640 --> 01:09:00,000
Speaker 1: I could do, who I could love, what my life

1093
01:09:00,200 --> 01:09:03,880
Speaker 1: could look like. And I'm so tied to my routines

1094
01:09:04,000 --> 01:09:07,559
Speaker 1: because they bring me such joy and stability. But can

1095
01:09:07,720 --> 01:09:12,920
Speaker 1: I get a little comfortable with feeling uncomfortable? And I

1096
01:09:12,960 --> 01:09:16,920
Speaker 1: think that's sort of the next chapter, you know, is

1097
01:09:17,000 --> 01:09:21,240
Speaker 1: sort of confronting some of my fears, confronting some more

1098
01:09:21,280 --> 01:09:24,679
Speaker 1: of my limiting beliefs. That the more work I do,

1099
01:09:25,439 --> 01:09:29,160
Speaker 1: the more I kind of am aware of these things.

1100
01:09:29,240 --> 01:09:33,880
Speaker 1: And so I think, particularly in love and in all relationships,

1101
01:09:33,920 --> 01:09:35,800
Speaker 1: I think for me, the next thing to work on

1102
01:09:35,960 --> 01:09:43,040
Speaker 1: is confronting some of my fears. Mm hmm that feels

1103
01:09:44,280 --> 01:09:50,320
Speaker 1: That feels to me like a like a cyclical Yeah. Yeah,

1104
01:09:50,800 --> 01:09:55,160
Speaker 1: I feel like we repeat that over and over because

1105
01:09:55,200 --> 01:09:58,680
Speaker 1: you confront something, you move through it, you learn, you achieve,

1106
01:09:58,880 --> 01:10:03,680
Speaker 1: you get your perspective, and then the next one comes. Yeah. Absolutely,

1107
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:07,040
Speaker 1: And I think that's been a big lesson for me.

1108
01:10:07,200 --> 01:10:10,080
Speaker 1: Is like there was a while where I thought, oh, well,

1109
01:10:10,120 --> 01:10:12,439
Speaker 1: if I do the work, then I'll be done right

1110
01:10:13,200 --> 01:10:15,400
Speaker 1: And one day I had to look around and I

1111
01:10:15,439 --> 01:10:18,519
Speaker 1: was like, oh, oh I have to Oh I'm going

1112
01:10:18,600 --> 01:10:29,400
Speaker 1: to have to do the work forever. Yes, okay, cool, cool, okay, okay, Yeah,

1113
01:10:29,800 --> 01:10:32,960
Speaker 1: it's funny. You know in therapy um, which I'm a

1114
01:10:33,040 --> 01:10:36,920
Speaker 1: huge proponent of therapy. You know, I always I sometimes

1115
01:10:36,960 --> 01:10:39,799
Speaker 1: get frustrated at my therapist. I'm like, but I already

1116
01:10:39,960 --> 01:10:43,760
Speaker 1: did this work. But I already know I already did this.

1117
01:10:43,840 --> 01:10:47,000
Speaker 1: And one thing she says is it's sort of like

1118
01:10:47,240 --> 01:10:50,719
Speaker 1: boxes that you you're you're moving and you put it away.

1119
01:10:51,680 --> 01:10:55,200
Speaker 1: You know, you've organized it perfectly, everything's ready, you put

1120
01:10:55,240 --> 01:10:57,360
Speaker 1: it away, and then there's gonna be another moment in

1121
01:10:57,360 --> 01:10:59,000
Speaker 1: your life you have to pull it off the shelf,

1122
01:10:59,400 --> 01:11:02,240
Speaker 1: open it up again and look at it, but from

1123
01:11:02,280 --> 01:11:06,880
Speaker 1: a different perspective, and not to get frustrated that that

1124
01:11:07,000 --> 01:11:09,800
Speaker 1: this is again part of the process, and that it's

1125
01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:14,479
Speaker 1: a gift that that we get to lead richer lives

1126
01:11:14,680 --> 01:11:19,440
Speaker 1: when we're paying attention. We get we get to enjoy

1127
01:11:19,560 --> 01:11:23,599
Speaker 1: the process of getting to know ourselves and having our

1128
01:11:23,640 --> 01:11:28,360
Speaker 1: minds change and our perspectives change if we're open to

1129
01:11:29,360 --> 01:11:33,080
Speaker 1: really experiencing how we're feeling and what we're going through.

1130
01:11:33,400 --> 01:11:37,720
Speaker 1: So I completely agree it's cyclical, and I never you

1131
01:11:37,760 --> 01:11:41,160
Speaker 1: know now that I'm like a quote unquote self care expert,

1132
01:11:41,240 --> 01:11:43,559
Speaker 1: which makes me want to throw up in my mouth

1133
01:11:43,560 --> 01:11:46,160
Speaker 1: a little bit. You know, Like, I'm like, that's not

1134
01:11:46,439 --> 01:11:50,839
Speaker 1: that's not even close to you know, what I started

1135
01:11:50,840 --> 01:11:52,639
Speaker 1: out setting out to do. I just wanted to save

1136
01:11:52,720 --> 01:11:55,120
Speaker 1: my life. I wasn't looking to write a book. But

1137
01:11:55,360 --> 01:11:58,920
Speaker 1: what I can say is that what makes me an

1138
01:11:58,960 --> 01:12:03,880
Speaker 1: expert is only my curiosity and willingness to feel things.

1139
01:12:05,200 --> 01:12:08,240
Speaker 1: It's not that I finished anything and that I'm a

1140
01:12:08,280 --> 01:12:12,360
Speaker 1: perfect person and hey, look how good I look on Instagram.

1141
01:12:12,520 --> 01:12:16,680
Speaker 1: That's not what it's about. It's about being willing to

1142
01:12:16,720 --> 01:12:21,320
Speaker 1: ask questions, being willing to seek answers, being willing to

1143
01:12:21,439 --> 01:12:26,559
Speaker 1: screw up and still love myself. That's where you can

1144
01:12:26,640 --> 01:12:29,360
Speaker 1: become a kind of self care expert. In my book,

1145
01:12:29,400 --> 01:12:31,960
Speaker 1: I call it a ninja of self love. You know,

1146
01:12:32,080 --> 01:12:35,559
Speaker 1: you're you're willing to do the training, do the work,

1147
01:12:36,280 --> 01:12:40,840
Speaker 1: don you're dope ninja outfit, and show up to take

1148
01:12:40,880 --> 01:12:45,400
Speaker 1: care of yourself. So it's it's completely cyclical, and I

1149
01:12:45,439 --> 01:12:50,040
Speaker 1: think that's the sort of I'm just going. I'm like seeing, oh,

1150
01:12:50,080 --> 01:12:52,280
Speaker 1: there's a lot more work to be done, and a

1151
01:12:52,280 --> 01:12:54,880
Speaker 1: lot a lot of people who are really resonating with

1152
01:12:54,920 --> 01:12:57,800
Speaker 1: the book and maybe maybe this is part of my

1153
01:12:57,920 --> 01:13:00,679
Speaker 1: mission in my life is to make people feel less lonely.

1154
01:13:00,880 --> 01:13:06,280
Speaker 1: In this experience, I love it. Thank you, thank you,

1155
01:13:06,439 --> 01:13:09,200
Speaker 1: thank you so much for bring me. This was awesome.

1156
01:13:15,439 --> 01:13:18,600
Speaker 1: This show is executive produced by me Sophia Bush and

1157
01:13:18,680 --> 01:13:23,480
Speaker 1: sim Sarna. Our supervising producer is Alison Bresnick. Our associate

1158
01:13:23,520 --> 01:13:26,720
Speaker 1: producer is Kate Linlee. This episode was edited by Matt

1159
01:13:26,760 --> 01:13:30,080
Speaker 1: Sasaki and our music was written by Jack Garrett and

1160
01:13:30,080 --> 01:13:32,519
Speaker 1: produced by Mark Foster. This show is brought to you

1161
01:13:32,560 --> 01:13:34,000
Speaker 1: by Kabrillion Anatomy