WEBVTT - Rob Delaney 0:00:02.680 --> 0:00:06.359 Well, hello everybody, and welcome to the Mini Driver Bonanza 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:08.280 and wild West Review podcast. 0:00:09.920 --> 0:00:12.719 I can't believe we're going to be talking about Bonanza TV. 0:00:13.160 --> 0:00:15.800 It's an important show, very important. 0:00:17.360 --> 0:00:22.000 Hello, I'm Mini Driver. I've always loved Preust's questionnaire. It 0:00:22.120 --> 0:00:26.279 was originally in nineteenth century parlor game where players would 0:00:26.320 --> 0:00:29.680 ask each other thirty five questions aimed at revealing the 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:33.560 other player's true nature. In asking different people the same 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:37.120 set of questions, you can make observations about which truths 0:00:37.120 --> 0:00:39.839 appear to be universal. And it made me wonder, what 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:42.600 if these questions were just the jumping off point, what 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:46.120 greater depths would be revealed if I asked these questions 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:50.120 as conversation starters. So I adapted Prus's questionnaire and I 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:52.919 wrote my own seven questions that I personally think are 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:56.120 pertinent to a person's story. They are when and where 0:00:56.120 --> 0:00:58.960 were you happiest? What is the quality you like least 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:03.480 about yourself? What relationship, real or fictionalized, defines love for you? 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:07.639 What question would you most like answered, What person, place, 0:01:07.760 --> 0:01:10.640 or experience has shaped you the most? What would be 0:01:10.680 --> 0:01:13.280 your last meal? And can you tell me something in 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:16.960 your life that's grown out of a personal disaster, and 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:21.480 I've gathered a group of really remarkable people, ones that 0:01:21.560 --> 0:01:24.039 I am honored and humbled to have had the chance 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:26.679 to engage with. You may not hear their answers to 0:01:26.760 --> 0:01:30.080 all seven of these questions. We've whittled it down to 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:34.440 which questions felt closest to their experience, or the most surprising, 0:01:34.880 --> 0:01:40.880 or created the most fertile ground to connect. My guest 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:44.559 today on many questions is Rob Delaney. I think people 0:01:44.600 --> 0:01:48.480 think of Rob as a brilliant comedian and actor, and 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:51.400 I mean I do too, But the thing that has 0:01:51.440 --> 0:01:54.880 always stayed with me about him is his writing. I 0:01:55.000 --> 0:01:59.040 loved the finely crafted, hilarious darkness and truth of his 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:03.920 and the wonderful Sharon Horgan's show Catastrophe, but it is 0:02:03.960 --> 0:02:06.760 his book A Heart that Works, that I returned to 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:10.239 again and again. We first met over social media when 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:12.519 I was on a TV show called Speechless, where I 0:02:12.600 --> 0:02:15.400 played a mum with a nonverbal kid, and we'd had 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:18.360 this conversation about signing because his son, Henry, had a 0:02:18.360 --> 0:02:23.640 tracheotomy and couldn't speak. His frankness and generosity in sharing 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:27.320 Henry's condition and looking for solutions for him were so 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:32.440 diligent and thorough. He was clearly a devoted father who 0:02:32.560 --> 0:02:36.680 happened to be extremely funny. Henry died in twenty eighteen 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:40.480 from an ependymoma, which is an aggressive form of cancer 0:02:40.720 --> 0:02:45.120 in the shape of a brain tumor. Somehow Rob and 0:02:45.200 --> 0:02:48.480 his family survived Henry's death, and Rob went on to 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:52.120 write A Heart That Works, which to me really is 0:02:52.200 --> 0:02:56.000 one of the clearest, most keenly observed meditations on life, 0:02:56.120 --> 0:03:00.200 love and grief that I've ever read. It is a 0:03:00.240 --> 0:03:04.520 great privilege to get to talk to Rob today. Now, 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:05.840 what do you want to ask me? Rob? 0:03:05.960 --> 0:03:08.560 Okay the pod? So, I know this is your podcast, 0:03:08.600 --> 0:03:10.760 but I first wanted to say not too long ago. 0:03:10.880 --> 0:03:14.120 You know, I have kids, and sometimes after you've watched 0:03:14.160 --> 0:03:16.320 you know, Goonies and Gremlins and all the ones that 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:19.200 you can watch with their kids, there you realize there's 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:22.560 like a finite amount, right, So I was like, for god, 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:26.560 what next Phantom of the Opera? And so this is 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:28.560 what I thought putting it in. I was I was like, 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:31.000 this is just to kill some time with my kids, 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:34.840 and I put it in. And it turns out Joel 0:03:34.880 --> 0:03:39.920 Schumacher is the best possible person to direct that insane story, 0:03:40.280 --> 0:03:44.160 and the movie was superb and I was weeping at 0:03:44.160 --> 0:03:48.680 the end. So this is a full throated endorsement of 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:51.280 The Phantom of the Opera, in which you played Carlotta. 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:55.080 Am I right about that? Yes, yes, just I'll watch 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:55.520 it again. 0:03:55.680 --> 0:03:59.840 I am so glad that your transition from the movies 0:03:59.840 --> 0:04:05.000 of childhood into more adult Fair was fans of the Opera. 0:04:05.200 --> 0:04:07.240 I think I was in a different film to everybody 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:09.360 else in that film, and I rather like the film. 0:04:09.160 --> 0:04:09.640 That I was in. 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:12.520 Yeah, I mean, I like fanso of the Opera, but 0:04:12.600 --> 0:04:14.560 I also like this weird confection. 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:16.920 You know, you realize he's sort of one of those 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:19.360 guys who're like, what is he up to? And then 0:04:19.880 --> 0:04:23.240 he really his work ripens and retrospect and you look 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:24.800 at it and you're like, god, damn it, you know, 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:26.680 because there's the ones you love out of the gate, 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:28.720 and then there's ones where you're like really, and then 0:04:28.760 --> 0:04:30.719 you look back and you're like, no, that's awesome. 0:04:30.880 --> 0:04:35.679 He's amazing. He's amazing, And I'm telling you go watch 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:36.640 his Batman. 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:38.080 I will. 0:04:39.960 --> 0:04:43.800 His Batman. He's a genius and the funniest, the funniest 0:04:43.880 --> 0:04:46.080 man to hang out with the wiest set. I don't 0:04:46.080 --> 0:04:48.200 know if I've said it on this podcast. When we 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:51.400 were filming our set was the happiest set on the lot. 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:54.800 And they were filming Eyes wide Shirts at the same time, 0:04:54.960 --> 0:04:59.720 and they were also filming Alexander, two sets that were 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:06.120 I would say, dark, less happy. We got some notes 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:12.000 slipped under our studio door, which was hilarious from the 0:05:12.000 --> 0:05:16.560 eyesword shut studios, saying don't look at any of us 0:05:16.640 --> 0:05:18.960 when we are going in and out of the studio. 0:05:19.360 --> 0:05:22.640 Obviously we sent them notes back saying we love you 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:26.480 and we see you. But the other thing was Colin Farrell, 0:05:26.560 --> 0:05:31.520 he'd made phone booth with Joel, was I think often 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:35.880 trying to escape his set. And he would come and 0:05:35.920 --> 0:05:40.880 he had that very blonde hair and you'd see him 0:05:40.920 --> 0:05:44.160 sitting in his funny outfit with his very bright platinum hair, 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:48.760 watching us either light a huge dance number or rehearse 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:51.920 it and practice it. And he was so happy there 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:55.400 and it was the happiest set. It was proper song 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:59.000 and dance and amazing and Joel wouldn't have it any 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:02.120 other way. And if there was any bad behavior, obviously 0:06:02.160 --> 0:06:04.440 not from me, because I was happy in my wig 0:06:04.440 --> 0:06:07.279 with my small dog. But there was some bad behavior 0:06:07.360 --> 0:06:11.200 and he was so hysterically funny about it because what 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:14.640 he'd do is he'd gather everyone together, not single out 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:17.640 the person who was being a total ass, and he 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:21.000 would say, he'd be like, I just want you in now. 0:06:21.440 --> 0:06:24.920 There's nothing I like more in the whole world than 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:28.839 a funeral scene. And if you want to make me 0:06:28.960 --> 0:06:32.919 give you a huge fucking funeral, I will do it. Wow, 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:35.479 And I'll get Andrew to write a funereal song. 0:06:37.520 --> 0:06:43.080 That was its quality. He was amazing. I love love him, 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:46.360 Thank you. I'm so glad that your children loved it. 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:47.080 They like it. 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:47.880 Where they frightened? 0:06:48.200 --> 0:06:51.280 Yeah, at times they were are you okay? When I'm 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:55.880 weeping at the end, I'm being like, that's what That's 0:06:55.880 --> 0:07:04.160 what it looks like. Strongly pro phantom style relationship, underground cavern, 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:07.640 you know, imprisonment, tutelage, all that stuff is what makes 0:07:07.640 --> 0:07:12.920 a relationship sing powodynamics trauma. 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:16.360 I'm very glad that we've got into Rob's idea of 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:24.120 love so early on. Where and when were you happiest? 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:28.720 Oh boy, well it's funny now, I mean, you know, 0:07:30.480 --> 0:07:34.920 to hit the ground running hard when I hear happiness. Now. 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:39.480 You know, you know, Minnie, that I have a son 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:46.000 named Henry who died five years ago, And so when 0:07:46.080 --> 0:07:50.440 I dare to feel happy now, which I do, there 0:07:50.600 --> 0:07:53.960 is it's almost like if you look like a marble 0:07:54.360 --> 0:07:57.560 tabletop that was white, but it had all these gray 0:07:57.600 --> 0:08:00.400 marble marblings, I guess you would call it in them. 0:08:00.720 --> 0:08:03.000 That's what my happiness looks like now. My happiness is 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:08.200 not like monochromatic. It's shot through with sadness. You know. 0:08:09.040 --> 0:08:13.960 I rode my bicycle here today and I passed the 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:17.840 house that Henry died in, and I looked in the window. 0:08:18.800 --> 0:08:20.840 Other people live there now, but I looked by as 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:23.640 I rode by my bike and thought of Henry in 0:08:23.680 --> 0:08:27.640 his final weeks and days. So I guess anytime now 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:33.360 that I'm holding ideally more than one family member, I 0:08:33.440 --> 0:08:36.720 do kind of like to be smushed by them. But 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:40.280 if I can have, say, at least two boys, and 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:43.280 I have three boys who are alive. Now, if I'm 0:08:43.320 --> 0:08:46.720 holding two or more family members and just sort of 0:08:47.280 --> 0:08:52.559 tousling their hair, that's the most happy I can be. Yeah, 0:08:52.640 --> 0:08:54.840 I love it. And happiness for me now was different 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:59.120 because I now know what the things that we love 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:02.439 most in treasure the most and believe are going to 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:07.360 like outlast us might not. So I know how fleeting 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:10.760 it all is. So I could be wrong, but I 0:09:10.800 --> 0:09:16.680 do feel like my perception of time and the sort 0:09:16.720 --> 0:09:23.520 of impermanence of life is different from most people, not everybody, 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:25.440 because the people who've been through the same as me 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:29.679 and worse. But I would say more than your average civilian. 0:09:30.160 --> 0:09:35.040 I know how it can all just go away, And 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:41.000 so yeah, holding, smelling, squeezing more than one family member, 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:42.240 That's what I like to be. I mean, I would 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:43.560 like to lie down on a couch and just have 0:09:43.600 --> 0:09:45.079 them all sit on top of me, and then I 0:09:45.080 --> 0:09:46.760 would be like, this is it. 0:09:47.800 --> 0:09:53.880 I love the smush version of happiness, and I fully 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:58.079 endorse and agree with that. I think it's really interesting 0:09:58.200 --> 0:10:03.240 the idea that is super binary about things like happiness 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:07.480 and sadness and right and wrong, given that most of 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:11.120 our world takes place in the gray. I love that 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:16.360 idea that happiness contains sadness and sadness contains happiness, and 0:10:16.400 --> 0:10:21.280 that it's not this idea of it being pure unadulterated joy, 0:10:21.360 --> 0:10:24.679 but happiness is being able to ride your bike by 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:29.360 the house where Henry died. And it's sad, but I 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:31.800 was thinking that the other day Rob and I did 0:10:32.280 --> 0:10:34.880 this amazing event called Letters Live at the Albert Hall together. 0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:37.920 And whenever I see Rob, because I have a son 0:10:37.960 --> 0:10:39.960 called Henry and Rob has a son called Henry, I 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:42.440 feel connected because of our Henry's and I think about 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:48.040 your Henry. And Rob just became a citizen of the 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:48.920 United Kingdom. 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:51.640 Sure did, which welcome. 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:54.160 I can see you're drinking tea. Well done. Part of 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:58.079 that is Henry lived here, Henry died here in England, 0:10:58.120 --> 0:11:00.960 and there is a connection to that which is wrapped 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:03.880 up in the moving forward of your own lives, of 0:11:03.920 --> 0:11:06.839 yours and your wife and your children. He is part 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:11.160 of the roots of that. And that's to me incredibly 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:17.440 beautiful and happy, notwithstanding the profound, unimaginable for most of 0:11:17.520 --> 0:11:22.680 us sadness of losing a child. So I think we 0:11:22.760 --> 0:11:26.760 could all stand to have it all intertwine a bit 0:11:26.800 --> 0:11:30.560 more and not be so frightened of things holding more 0:11:30.600 --> 0:11:31.360 than one truth. 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:35.000 Yeah, and you've got to let it all move through you. 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:39.080 There's this quote, I'm not like a practicing Christian. I 0:11:39.120 --> 0:11:42.160 did grow up going to Catholic church and stuff. But 0:11:42.200 --> 0:11:46.320 when I got sober twenty years ago, I got this 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:49.199 recovery book and I had a quote in the beginning 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:53.880 from a guy named Jesus Christ, and the quote said, 0:11:54.679 --> 0:11:57.880 if you bring forth what is within you, what is 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:00.640 within you will save you. If you do not bring 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:03.520 forth what is within you, what is within you will 0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:08.240 destroy you. And no, I don't know if he said that, 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:11.200 but it made it past random house copy editors and 0:12:11.240 --> 0:12:14.520 all that, and that really struck me because, like, if 0:12:14.559 --> 0:12:17.839 you let stuff move through you and don't deny it. 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:20.320 I'm not saying if you're like I should go slap 0:12:20.360 --> 0:12:22.520 that guy in the road, that you should do that. 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:24.760 But if you haven't urge to write a song or 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:28.160 roll down hill even though you're forty, then do it, 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:29.600 you know what I mean, Because if you don't, that 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:32.760 stuff's gonna build up and you're gonna have a heart 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:35.360 attack three weeks earlier than you would have otherwise. You know, 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:37.840 get a pull up up your ass because you're just 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:44.520 so wound up tight and you yeah, you don't put 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:47.600 a pup grows in case there are doctors listening. Carry 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:49.200 carry on, carry on, But you know what I mean. 0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:51.600 You've got to let it flow through you. And so 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:54.920 if you're feeling sad, feel sad. It's not bad to 0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:57.920 be sad, It's normal. And if you let it happen, 0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:01.040 then it'll dissipate, you'll kind of tabolize it. But if 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:04.720 you're like, don't you feel sad, then you're in real trouble. 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:07.960 And it has only taken me almost fifty years to 0:13:08.240 --> 0:13:11.240 learn that on paper, and now I'm trying to really 0:13:11.480 --> 0:13:12.560 absorb it and work with it. 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:16.200 Can I ask you, because I'm fascinated about this idea 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:19.440 of happiness, were you aware of a period where you 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:25.560 felt guilty for feeling happiness in the first times that 0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:27.240 you felt it after Henry died? 0:13:27.679 --> 0:13:28.000 Yes? 0:13:28.640 --> 0:13:31.240 And were you very clear about that? And did you 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.520 either have help or did you help yourself by going, 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:37.560 this is on its way to somewhere else, and this 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:40.000 is just what is and I'm going to be in 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:41.480 the isness of this. 0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:49.000 So I was really really lucky that i had years 0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:55.160 of twelve step recovery under my belt because I'm as 0:13:55.440 --> 0:14:02.800 messy and as selfish and as kinked and calcified does anybody, 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:07.800 but due to recovery I've been able to sort of 0:14:09.000 --> 0:14:12.880 not like hate those facts, and I can sort of 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:15.719 turn on a light switch and look at them and 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:19.880 be like honest about them and then gradually start to 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:25.680 work through them. So when Henry died and I heard 0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:30.040 that there were bereaved parent groups that you could go 0:14:30.120 --> 0:14:34.040 to and be around other bereaved parents, I didn't do 0:14:34.840 --> 0:14:39.360 what some people would do. And I would say more 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:41.280 of these people would be men than women, because this 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:44.760 is a more sort of classically negative masculine trade. I'm 0:14:44.760 --> 0:14:47.640 not saying you can't. You many can't have classically negative, 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:50.240 what are considered masculine trades, but a lot of men 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:52.360 would be like, yeah, I'm just gonna just watch the 0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:55.040 football and maybe drink a little bourbon and stuff it down, 0:14:55.080 --> 0:14:57.400 and I'm not gonna go talk to somebody about my field. 0:14:57.400 --> 0:14:59.720 You know, my son's dead. I'll just be said forever, 0:15:00.200 --> 0:15:03.240 things will be terrible, forever. That's fine. But I was like, Nope, 0:15:03.320 --> 0:15:05.920 I'm going directly to the bereathed parents group. And that 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:08.760 was super helpful because I remember the first time I 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:12.280 saw a film after Henry died, and this would be 0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:16.640 months after he died. I'm like going to a movie 0:15:16.680 --> 0:15:22.960 in the daytime alone, and I'm thinking to myself, how 0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:29.320 dare I go to a movie? What kind of monster 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:36.000 goes to a movie when their son's ashes are sitting 0:15:36.040 --> 0:15:38.680 on a shelf at home, you know, and some are 0:15:38.680 --> 0:15:41.600 scattered in places that he loved. You're gonna go to 0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:47.800 a movie. But like I would tell a different breathed parent, like, hey, man, 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:50.360 you know what, go to a movie, or like have 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:54.720 bacon on the cheeseburg, Get the bacon, you know, like 0:15:56.160 --> 0:15:59.440 you have an hour between meetings and you just happened 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:02.760 to walk by a place that does half hour foot 0:16:02.800 --> 0:16:06.040 massages in a little chair. Get this studid thing. Your 0:16:06.120 --> 0:16:08.680 kid died, you know. But to me, it was like, 0:16:08.720 --> 0:16:11.480 you can't go to a movie. And so luckily talking 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:13.680 to other berieved parents that were like, mate, you can 0:16:13.880 --> 0:16:15.920 go to a movie, and in fact, you should go 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:18.520 to a movie. And as a bereaved dad or mom 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:20.960 who's years ahead of you in this journey, I'm actually 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:24.560 gonna prescribe that you go to a movie. And so yeah, 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:27.920 I definitely felt guilt. I get it because our big 0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:30.760 frontal lobes like look at you and me, we write 0:16:30.840 --> 0:16:34.000 books and like are like, you know, like look at 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:37.080 her to thinking and I are talking and uh like 0:16:38.120 --> 0:16:43.640 were These frontal lobes are not the most helpful things 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:45.440 that we have, or rather, at the very least, they're 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:47.440 not the oldest parts of us. The oldest parts of 0:16:47.480 --> 0:16:50.680 us are like smell and like fight or flight. Right, 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:56.160 So my frontal lobe can get it that I shouldn't 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:59.000 feel guilty about my son's death. He died of a 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:02.960 brain to with all they know about brain tumors now, 0:17:03.000 --> 0:17:05.960 they don't know why they happen, and this is one 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:09.200 they don't know how to fix. So I didn't put 0:17:09.200 --> 0:17:12.080 it in there. So it's not my fault that he died. 0:17:12.119 --> 0:17:15.639 I can say that, right, But the sense of smell 0:17:15.680 --> 0:17:17.800 part of my brain, the fight or flight part, is like, yeah, 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:21.520 but he died before you. You know, it's your fault. 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:24.639 You did something wrong. You know, you didn't dig a 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:28.159 whole miles under the earth in Sweden to try to 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:31.080 find a friggin root that you could get the essence 0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:32.159 of to cure his cancer. 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:32.879 You didn't. 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:35.840 It's your fault, you know, And so you need to 0:17:36.000 --> 0:17:39.239 know that you're going to feel the guilt if your 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:42.600 kid dies before you. It's part of what happens when 0:17:42.640 --> 0:17:47.320 your kid dies, And intellectually you'll understand that it's not 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:52.280 your fault, but you'll still feel guilty. Yeah, and I 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:56.720 guess the next thing I'll say is, oh, well, exactly, 0:17:57.280 --> 0:17:59.200 I'm not able to sew that up with like a 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:00.280 I have to. 0:18:00.480 --> 0:18:02.480 It's really interesting hearing about that. And I love the 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:07.680 idea that your doctors prescribing you were other breps who 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:10.960 are just a little further down the corridor than you were. 0:18:11.040 --> 0:18:14.000 And that's that makes me happy. 0:18:14.280 --> 0:18:16.440 Good you had that support. 0:18:32.640 --> 0:18:36.440 Okay, so next question, what quality do you like least 0:18:36.480 --> 0:18:37.359 about yourself? 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:42.000 I mean, the thing that first came to mind is selfishness. 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:45.640 And it's weird because the selfishness I feel now at 0:18:45.680 --> 0:18:49.440 age forty six, I think, I am you. 0:18:49.400 --> 0:18:53.440 Look forty six, thank you in a nice way. I'm 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:57.159 fifty three, so I think is a spring chicken. 0:18:58.240 --> 0:18:59.760 We're very foxy fifty three. 0:19:00.000 --> 0:19:00.480 That's true. 0:19:00.560 --> 0:19:01.919 I mean, I no, people can't see you. It is 0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:04.240 interesting that you do wear a ball gown that barely 0:19:04.320 --> 0:19:07.240 fits the train of your ball gown barely fits into 0:19:07.320 --> 0:19:08.639 the little studio, which is funny. 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:13.479 Your rider is weird, and you insisted on me wearing this, 0:19:13.800 --> 0:19:15.159 So that's what I'm doing. 0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:19.080 That's the funniest possible. Yes, And like I said, you're 0:19:19.080 --> 0:19:22.440 wearing it and you and you said it's because I insisted. 0:19:24.400 --> 0:19:26.800 That's the funniest thing I've heard in several months. Okay, 0:19:27.040 --> 0:19:28.680 So what I was gonna say is the selfishness that 0:19:28.680 --> 0:19:30.680 I feel at forty six is not very different from 0:19:30.760 --> 0:19:33.679 the selfishness I felt as a little kid. It's weird, 0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:38.400 is it like Boston Irish Catholic like guilt that you're 0:19:38.440 --> 0:19:40.560 born with, Because as a little kid, I can remember 0:19:40.560 --> 0:19:44.280 doing chores like sweeping the kitchen and being like, I 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:47.240 don't think anybody's going to see that pile. I'm not 0:19:47.240 --> 0:19:50.880 going to sweep it, you know, And in that moment, I'm. 0:19:50.600 --> 0:19:51.679 Not getting credit for it. 0:19:51.920 --> 0:19:54.720 I'm not doing it right. And even in that moment, 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:59.520 and we're talking, being nine, being like I'm a piece 0:19:59.560 --> 0:20:04.239 of shit, Like only a piece of shit wouldn't do that. 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:07.360 And my parents never called me a piece of shit. Yes, 0:20:07.480 --> 0:20:13.200 they grew up in Catholic orphanages and Catholic schools and 0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:19.880 were abused by nuns, nikes and stuff, so maybe they 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:21.720 couldn't help it pass a little that at all? But 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:24.199 why did I feel that way? And then when I 0:20:24.280 --> 0:20:28.760 found booze at age twelve was the first time I 0:20:28.800 --> 0:20:31.880 got drunk before I figured out that you could put 0:20:31.880 --> 0:20:36.200 something in your body that would make everything magic and perfect. 0:20:36.600 --> 0:20:41.760 I would steal and like vandalize, and then it was like, oh, 0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:45.240 you can vandalize yourself and then everything seems great, so 0:20:45.280 --> 0:20:46.960 you don't have to do things externally. You can just 0:20:47.000 --> 0:20:52.080 pour booze and feel amazing. That felt really good. And 0:20:52.200 --> 0:20:55.879 so now still there's a part of me that is 0:20:55.920 --> 0:20:59.600 still like the little kid who's like sweep the whole floor. 0:21:00.320 --> 0:21:02.280 You know, it's so weird. 0:21:02.320 --> 0:21:05.680 Like, but how is that selfish a little twelve year old? 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:08.760 So I don't think it is. So I guess we're 0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:13.919 discovering in real time here. My answer is not rational, right. 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:16.960 I can't believe that as a human being you would 0:21:17.000 --> 0:21:20.800 have a non rational to a traumatic question. 0:21:21.520 --> 0:21:23.919 Oh. I mean another one that would perhaps be more 0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:28.359 rational is anger, you know, which is also something I 0:21:28.400 --> 0:21:31.720 really need to start thinking about more because I'm the 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:35.560 largest person in my house by a lot. Until recently, 0:21:35.640 --> 0:21:38.520 I weighed more than the other four people put together. 0:21:38.280 --> 0:21:39.879 And no wonder you want them to assist on you, 0:21:40.240 --> 0:21:41.280 I know, right, just. 0:21:41.200 --> 0:21:45.159 Balances that, like everybody in my house is allowed to 0:21:45.160 --> 0:21:48.600 get angry except me because I'm big, and it's scary 0:21:48.640 --> 0:21:50.760 when I get angry, you know. And I don't hit 0:21:50.800 --> 0:21:54.040 people or anything like that, but sure I'll yell or swear. 0:21:54.720 --> 0:21:58.720 And nobody likes to get yelled or sworn at by 0:21:58.920 --> 0:22:01.960 somebody who's six foot. They just it's not pleasant, right, 0:22:02.600 --> 0:22:05.040 And so the kind of new thing I'm working on 0:22:05.400 --> 0:22:07.960 is trying to like figure out how do you be 0:22:08.080 --> 0:22:10.920 angry if you're giants? Yeah, because I don't want to 0:22:10.960 --> 0:22:14.960 scare my family, but they'll be like crazy dervishes and 0:22:14.960 --> 0:22:18.040 then I'm like god damn it and fist on the table, right, 0:22:18.320 --> 0:22:20.680 and then people start crying, you know what I mean. 0:22:20.960 --> 0:22:24.280 And so it's sort of a weird one because I 0:22:24.320 --> 0:22:26.800 just said earlier you have to feel emotions as you 0:22:26.920 --> 0:22:28.760 have them. You don't have to act on them and 0:22:28.800 --> 0:22:32.119 like do crazy stuff. But I'm not a bad person 0:22:32.160 --> 0:22:34.399 because I'm angry. Nobody is. You know. 0:22:35.600 --> 0:22:38.120 I wonder if there is a field where one can 0:22:38.200 --> 0:22:40.320 go just to experience. 0:22:40.160 --> 0:22:43.600 A real physical field you're yeah. 0:22:42.760 --> 0:22:45.720 Like your anger. Wait, there's a great roomy quote that 0:22:45.760 --> 0:22:49.080 I'm going to butcher out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and 0:22:49.160 --> 0:22:53.160 right doing. There is a field. I'll meet you there, 0:22:54.240 --> 0:22:56.360 And I really like that, But I actually wish there 0:22:56.359 --> 0:22:58.840 was a physical field where one could go and actually 0:22:58.880 --> 0:23:03.400 be experience orientially angry, because I sometimes you don't want 0:23:03.400 --> 0:23:05.399 to channel it into something else. We live in polite 0:23:05.440 --> 0:23:07.840 society and we don't want to frighten our children. But 0:23:07.960 --> 0:23:14.040 that expression of anger. I've screamed underwater when I was 0:23:14.160 --> 0:23:18.240 angry when my mom died and I buried her ashes 0:23:19.240 --> 0:23:22.679 at the place where I surf, and one day I 0:23:22.800 --> 0:23:25.560 was so sad and so angry that she was at 0:23:25.560 --> 0:23:27.280 the bottom of the sea and not sitting on the 0:23:27.320 --> 0:23:29.800 beach drinking of old Crantonic and I went under and 0:23:29.840 --> 0:23:32.720 I screamed so loudly, and it was just about the 0:23:32.760 --> 0:23:36.119