1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:06,359 Speaker 1: Well, hello everybody, and welcome to the Mini Driver Bonanza 2 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,280 Speaker 1: and wild West Review podcast. 3 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,719 Speaker 2: I can't believe we're going to be talking about Bonanza TV. 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 1: It's an important show, very important. 5 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:22,000 Speaker 2: Hello, I'm Mini Driver. I've always loved Preust's questionnaire. It 6 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:26,279 Speaker 2: was originally in nineteenth century parlor game where players would 7 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,680 Speaker 2: ask each other thirty five questions aimed at revealing the 8 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 2: other player's true nature. In asking different people the same 9 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,120 Speaker 2: set of questions, you can make observations about which truths 10 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,839 Speaker 2: appear to be universal. And it made me wonder, what 11 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 2: if these questions were just the jumping off point, what 12 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:46,120 Speaker 2: greater depths would be revealed if I asked these questions 13 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 2: as conversation starters. So I adapted Prus's questionnaire and I 14 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:52,919 Speaker 2: wrote my own seven questions that I personally think are 15 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 2: pertinent to a person's story. They are when and where 16 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 2: were you happiest? What is the quality you like least 17 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,480 Speaker 2: about yourself? What relationship, real or fictionalized, defines love for you? 18 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,639 Speaker 2: What question would you most like answered, What person, place, 19 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 2: or experience has shaped you the most? What would be 20 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,280 Speaker 2: your last meal? And can you tell me something in 21 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:16,960 Speaker 2: your life that's grown out of a personal disaster, and 22 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:21,480 Speaker 2: I've gathered a group of really remarkable people, ones that 23 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,039 Speaker 2: I am honored and humbled to have had the chance 24 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,679 Speaker 2: to engage with. You may not hear their answers to 25 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 2: all seven of these questions. We've whittled it down to 26 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:34,440 Speaker 2: which questions felt closest to their experience, or the most surprising, 27 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:40,880 Speaker 2: or created the most fertile ground to connect. My guest 28 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,559 Speaker 2: today on many questions is Rob Delaney. I think people 29 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,480 Speaker 2: think of Rob as a brilliant comedian and actor, and 30 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,400 Speaker 2: I mean I do too, But the thing that has 31 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,880 Speaker 2: always stayed with me about him is his writing. I 32 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 2: loved the finely crafted, hilarious darkness and truth of his 33 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:03,920 Speaker 2: and the wonderful Sharon Horgan's show Catastrophe, but it is 34 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 2: his book A Heart that Works, that I returned to 35 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,239 Speaker 2: again and again. We first met over social media when 36 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,519 Speaker 2: I was on a TV show called Speechless, where I 37 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,400 Speaker 2: played a mum with a nonverbal kid, and we'd had 38 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 2: this conversation about signing because his son, Henry, had a 39 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 2: tracheotomy and couldn't speak. His frankness and generosity in sharing 40 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 2: Henry's condition and looking for solutions for him were so 41 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 2: diligent and thorough. He was clearly a devoted father who 42 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:36,680 Speaker 2: happened to be extremely funny. Henry died in twenty eighteen 43 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 2: from an ependymoma, which is an aggressive form of cancer 44 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:45,120 Speaker 2: in the shape of a brain tumor. Somehow Rob and 45 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,480 Speaker 2: his family survived Henry's death, and Rob went on to 46 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 2: write A Heart That Works, which to me really is 47 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,000 Speaker 2: one of the clearest, most keenly observed meditations on life, 48 00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 2: love and grief that I've ever read. It is a 49 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 2: great privilege to get to talk to Rob today. Now, 50 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 2: what do you want to ask me? Rob? 51 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: Okay the pod? So, I know this is your podcast, 52 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: but I first wanted to say not too long ago. 53 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 1: You know, I have kids, and sometimes after you've watched 54 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 1: you know, Goonies and Gremlins and all the ones that 55 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 1: you can watch with their kids, there you realize there's 56 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,560 Speaker 1: like a finite amount, right, So I was like, for god, 57 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 1: what next Phantom of the Opera? And so this is 58 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: what I thought putting it in. I was I was like, 59 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 1: this is just to kill some time with my kids, 60 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,840 Speaker 1: and I put it in. And it turns out Joel 61 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 1: Schumacher is the best possible person to direct that insane story, 62 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:44,160 Speaker 1: and the movie was superb and I was weeping at 63 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 1: the end. So this is a full throated endorsement of 64 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,280 Speaker 1: The Phantom of the Opera, in which you played Carlotta. 65 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 1: Am I right about that? Yes, yes, just I'll watch 66 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 1: it again. 67 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,840 Speaker 2: I am so glad that your transition from the movies 68 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:05,000 Speaker 2: of childhood into more adult Fair was fans of the Opera. 69 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 2: I think I was in a different film to everybody 70 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,360 Speaker 2: else in that film, and I rather like the film. 71 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:09,640 Speaker 1: That I was in. 72 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I like fanso of the Opera, but 73 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 2: I also like this weird confection. 74 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:16,920 Speaker 1: You know, you realize he's sort of one of those 75 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,360 Speaker 1: guys who're like, what is he up to? And then 76 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 1: he really his work ripens and retrospect and you look 77 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 1: at it and you're like, god, damn it, you know, 78 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,680 Speaker 1: because there's the ones you love out of the gate, 79 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,720 Speaker 1: and then there's ones where you're like really, and then 80 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 1: you look back and you're like, no, that's awesome. 81 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:35,679 Speaker 2: He's amazing. He's amazing, And I'm telling you go watch 82 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 2: his Batman. 83 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: I will. 84 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 2: His Batman. He's a genius and the funniest, the funniest 85 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,080 Speaker 2: man to hang out with the wiest set. I don't 86 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 2: know if I've said it on this podcast. When we 87 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,400 Speaker 2: were filming our set was the happiest set on the lot. 88 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,800 Speaker 2: And they were filming Eyes wide Shirts at the same time, 89 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:59,720 Speaker 2: and they were also filming Alexander, two sets that were 90 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 2: I would say, dark, less happy. We got some notes 91 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:12,000 Speaker 2: slipped under our studio door, which was hilarious from the 92 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,560 Speaker 2: eyesword shut studios, saying don't look at any of us 93 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 2: when we are going in and out of the studio. 94 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,640 Speaker 2: Obviously we sent them notes back saying we love you 95 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,480 Speaker 2: and we see you. But the other thing was Colin Farrell, 96 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 2: he'd made phone booth with Joel, was I think often 97 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 2: trying to escape his set. And he would come and 98 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:40,880 Speaker 2: he had that very blonde hair and you'd see him 99 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:44,160 Speaker 2: sitting in his funny outfit with his very bright platinum hair, 100 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 2: watching us either light a huge dance number or rehearse 101 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,920 Speaker 2: it and practice it. And he was so happy there 102 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 2: and it was the happiest set. It was proper song 103 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 2: and dance and amazing and Joel wouldn't have it any 104 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,120 Speaker 2: other way. And if there was any bad behavior, obviously 105 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,440 Speaker 2: not from me, because I was happy in my wig 106 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,279 Speaker 2: with my small dog. But there was some bad behavior 107 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 2: and he was so hysterically funny about it because what 108 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 2: he'd do is he'd gather everyone together, not single out 109 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,640 Speaker 2: the person who was being a total ass, and he 110 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 2: would say, he'd be like, I just want you in now. 111 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,920 Speaker 3: There's nothing I like more in the whole world than 112 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,839 Speaker 3: a funeral scene. And if you want to make me 113 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,919 Speaker 3: give you a huge fucking funeral, I will do it. Wow, 114 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,479 Speaker 3: And I'll get Andrew to write a funereal song. 115 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 2: That was its quality. He was amazing. I love love him, 116 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:46,360 Speaker 2: Thank you. I'm so glad that your children loved it. 117 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 4: They like it. 118 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 2: Where they frightened? 119 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, at times they were are you okay? When I'm 120 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: weeping at the end, I'm being like, that's what That's 121 00:06:55,880 --> 00:07:04,160 Speaker 1: what it looks like. Strongly pro phantom style relationship, underground cavern, 122 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 1: you know, imprisonment, tutelage, all that stuff is what makes 123 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 1: a relationship sing powodynamics trauma. 124 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 2: I'm very glad that we've got into Rob's idea of 125 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:24,120 Speaker 2: love so early on. Where and when were you happiest? 126 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 1: Oh boy, well it's funny now, I mean, you know, 127 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 1: to hit the ground running hard when I hear happiness. Now. 128 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 1: You know, you know, Minnie, that I have a son 129 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 1: named Henry who died five years ago, And so when 130 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: I dare to feel happy now, which I do, there 131 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 1: is it's almost like if you look like a marble 132 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 1: tabletop that was white, but it had all these gray 133 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 1: marble marblings, I guess you would call it in them. 134 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,000 Speaker 1: That's what my happiness looks like now. My happiness is 135 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:08,200 Speaker 1: not like monochromatic. It's shot through with sadness. You know. 136 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:13,960 Speaker 1: I rode my bicycle here today and I passed the 137 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 1: house that Henry died in, and I looked in the window. 138 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,840 Speaker 1: Other people live there now, but I looked by as 139 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,640 Speaker 1: I rode by my bike and thought of Henry in 140 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 1: his final weeks and days. So I guess anytime now 141 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 1: that I'm holding ideally more than one family member, I 142 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,720 Speaker 1: do kind of like to be smushed by them. But 143 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 1: if I can have, say, at least two boys, and 144 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 1: I have three boys who are alive. Now, if I'm 145 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 1: holding two or more family members and just sort of 146 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 1: tousling their hair, that's the most happy I can be. Yeah, 147 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 1: I love it. And happiness for me now was different 148 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 1: because I now know what the things that we love 149 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,439 Speaker 1: most in treasure the most and believe are going to 150 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 1: like outlast us might not. So I know how fleeting 151 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,760 Speaker 1: it all is. So I could be wrong, but I 152 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:16,680 Speaker 1: do feel like my perception of time and the sort 153 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 1: of impermanence of life is different from most people, not everybody, 154 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,440 Speaker 1: because the people who've been through the same as me 155 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,679 Speaker 1: and worse. But I would say more than your average civilian. 156 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:35,040 Speaker 1: I know how it can all just go away, And 157 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: so yeah, holding, smelling, squeezing more than one family member, 158 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 1: That's what I like to be. I mean, I would 159 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,560 Speaker 1: like to lie down on a couch and just have 160 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,079 Speaker 1: them all sit on top of me, and then I 161 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 1: would be like, this is it. 162 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:53,880 Speaker 2: I love the smush version of happiness, and I fully 163 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:58,079 Speaker 2: endorse and agree with that. I think it's really interesting 164 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:03,240 Speaker 2: the idea that is super binary about things like happiness 165 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:07,480 Speaker 2: and sadness and right and wrong, given that most of 166 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 2: our world takes place in the gray. I love that 167 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 2: idea that happiness contains sadness and sadness contains happiness, and 168 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 2: that it's not this idea of it being pure unadulterated joy, 169 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,679 Speaker 2: but happiness is being able to ride your bike by 170 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 2: the house where Henry died. And it's sad, but I 171 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,800 Speaker 2: was thinking that the other day Rob and I did 172 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 2: this amazing event called Letters Live at the Albert Hall together. 173 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,920 Speaker 2: And whenever I see Rob, because I have a son 174 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,960 Speaker 2: called Henry and Rob has a son called Henry, I 175 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,440 Speaker 2: feel connected because of our Henry's and I think about 176 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 2: your Henry. And Rob just became a citizen of the 177 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 2: United Kingdom. 178 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,640 Speaker 1: Sure did, which welcome. 179 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 2: I can see you're drinking tea. Well done. Part of 180 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,079 Speaker 2: that is Henry lived here, Henry died here in England, 181 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,960 Speaker 2: and there is a connection to that which is wrapped 182 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 2: up in the moving forward of your own lives, of 183 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,839 Speaker 2: yours and your wife and your children. He is part 184 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 2: of the roots of that. And that's to me incredibly 185 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:17,440 Speaker 2: beautiful and happy, notwithstanding the profound, unimaginable for most of 186 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:22,680 Speaker 2: us sadness of losing a child. So I think we 187 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 2: could all stand to have it all intertwine a bit 188 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,560 Speaker 2: more and not be so frightened of things holding more 189 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,360 Speaker 2: than one truth. 190 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, and you've got to let it all move through you. 191 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:39,080 Speaker 1: There's this quote, I'm not like a practicing Christian. I 192 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 1: did grow up going to Catholic church and stuff. But 193 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:46,320 Speaker 1: when I got sober twenty years ago, I got this 194 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,199 Speaker 1: recovery book and I had a quote in the beginning 195 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 1: from a guy named Jesus Christ, and the quote said, 196 00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,880 Speaker 1: if you bring forth what is within you, what is 197 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,640 Speaker 1: within you will save you. If you do not bring 198 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,520 Speaker 1: forth what is within you, what is within you will 199 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:08,240 Speaker 1: destroy you. And no, I don't know if he said that, 200 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: but it made it past random house copy editors and 201 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,520 Speaker 1: all that, and that really struck me because, like, if 202 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:17,839 Speaker 1: you let stuff move through you and don't deny it. 203 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,320 Speaker 1: I'm not saying if you're like I should go slap 204 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 1: that guy in the road, that you should do that. 205 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: But if you haven't urge to write a song or 206 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 1: roll down hill even though you're forty, then do it, 207 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:29,600 Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Because if you don't, that 208 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 1: stuff's gonna build up and you're gonna have a heart 209 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,360 Speaker 1: attack three weeks earlier than you would have otherwise. You know, 210 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,840 Speaker 1: get a pull up up your ass because you're just 211 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:44,520 Speaker 1: so wound up tight and you yeah, you don't put 212 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,600 Speaker 1: a pup grows in case there are doctors listening. Carry 213 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 1: carry on, carry on, But you know what I mean. 214 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,600 Speaker 1: You've got to let it flow through you. And so 215 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: if you're feeling sad, feel sad. It's not bad to 216 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 1: be sad, It's normal. And if you let it happen, 217 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 1: then it'll dissipate, you'll kind of tabolize it. But if 218 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,720 Speaker 1: you're like, don't you feel sad, then you're in real trouble. 219 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,960 Speaker 1: And it has only taken me almost fifty years to 220 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,240 Speaker 1: learn that on paper, and now I'm trying to really 221 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,560 Speaker 1: absorb it and work with it. 222 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,200 Speaker 2: Can I ask you, because I'm fascinated about this idea 223 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,440 Speaker 2: of happiness, were you aware of a period where you 224 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:25,560 Speaker 2: felt guilty for feeling happiness in the first times that 225 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 2: you felt it after Henry died? 226 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:28,000 Speaker 1: Yes? 227 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,240 Speaker 2: And were you very clear about that? And did you 228 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,520 Speaker 2: either have help or did you help yourself by going, 229 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,560 Speaker 2: this is on its way to somewhere else, and this 230 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,000 Speaker 2: is just what is and I'm going to be in 231 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,480 Speaker 2: the isness of this. 232 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 1: So I was really really lucky that i had years 233 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:55,160 Speaker 1: of twelve step recovery under my belt because I'm as 234 00:13:55,440 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 1: messy and as selfish and as kinked and calcified does anybody, 235 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:07,800 Speaker 1: but due to recovery I've been able to sort of 236 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,880 Speaker 1: not like hate those facts, and I can sort of 237 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,719 Speaker 1: turn on a light switch and look at them and 238 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: be like honest about them and then gradually start to 239 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: work through them. So when Henry died and I heard 240 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:30,040 Speaker 1: that there were bereaved parent groups that you could go 241 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:34,040 Speaker 1: to and be around other bereaved parents, I didn't do 242 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 1: what some people would do. And I would say more 243 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: of these people would be men than women, because this 244 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:44,760 Speaker 1: is a more sort of classically negative masculine trade. I'm 245 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,640 Speaker 1: not saying you can't. You many can't have classically negative, 246 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,240 Speaker 1: what are considered masculine trades, but a lot of men 247 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,360 Speaker 1: would be like, yeah, I'm just gonna just watch the 248 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 1: football and maybe drink a little bourbon and stuff it down, 249 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 1: and I'm not gonna go talk to somebody about my field. 250 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,720 Speaker 1: You know, my son's dead. I'll just be said forever, 251 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,240 Speaker 1: things will be terrible, forever. That's fine. But I was like, Nope, 252 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 1: I'm going directly to the bereathed parents group. And that 253 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,760 Speaker 1: was super helpful because I remember the first time I 254 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,280 Speaker 1: saw a film after Henry died, and this would be 255 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 1: months after he died. I'm like going to a movie 256 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 1: in the daytime alone, and I'm thinking to myself, how 257 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 1: dare I go to a movie? What kind of monster 258 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 1: goes to a movie when their son's ashes are sitting 259 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 1: on a shelf at home, you know, and some are 260 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 1: scattered in places that he loved. You're gonna go to 261 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 1: a movie. But like I would tell a different breathed parent, like, hey, man, 262 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,360 Speaker 1: you know what, go to a movie, or like have 263 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,720 Speaker 1: bacon on the cheeseburg, Get the bacon, you know, like 264 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:59,440 Speaker 1: you have an hour between meetings and you just happened 265 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 1: to walk by a place that does half hour foot 266 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,040 Speaker 1: massages in a little chair. Get this studid thing. Your 267 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,680 Speaker 1: kid died, you know. But to me, it was like, 268 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,480 Speaker 1: you can't go to a movie. And so luckily talking 269 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,680 Speaker 1: to other berieved parents that were like, mate, you can 270 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,920 Speaker 1: go to a movie, and in fact, you should go 271 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 1: to a movie. And as a bereaved dad or mom 272 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 1: who's years ahead of you in this journey, I'm actually 273 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,560 Speaker 1: gonna prescribe that you go to a movie. And so yeah, 274 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 1: I definitely felt guilt. I get it because our big 275 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,760 Speaker 1: frontal lobes like look at you and me, we write 276 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,000 Speaker 1: books and like are like, you know, like look at 277 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: her to thinking and I are talking and uh like 278 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:43,640 Speaker 1: were These frontal lobes are not the most helpful things 279 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,440 Speaker 1: that we have, or rather, at the very least, they're 280 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,440 Speaker 1: not the oldest parts of us. The oldest parts of 281 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,680 Speaker 1: us are like smell and like fight or flight. Right, 282 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: So my frontal lobe can get it that I shouldn't 283 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,000 Speaker 1: feel guilty about my son's death. He died of a 284 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,960 Speaker 1: brain to with all they know about brain tumors now, 285 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 1: they don't know why they happen, and this is one 286 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,200 Speaker 1: they don't know how to fix. So I didn't put 287 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,080 Speaker 1: it in there. So it's not my fault that he died. 288 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:15,639 Speaker 1: I can say that, right, But the sense of smell 289 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,800 Speaker 1: part of my brain, the fight or flight part, is like, yeah, 290 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 1: but he died before you. You know, it's your fault. 291 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: You did something wrong. You know, you didn't dig a 292 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,159 Speaker 1: whole miles under the earth in Sweden to try to 293 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 1: find a friggin root that you could get the essence 294 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:32,159 Speaker 1: of to cure his cancer. 295 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:32,879 Speaker 2: You didn't. 296 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: It's your fault, you know, And so you need to 297 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,239 Speaker 1: know that you're going to feel the guilt if your 298 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 1: kid dies before you. It's part of what happens when 299 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 1: your kid dies, And intellectually you'll understand that it's not 300 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:52,280 Speaker 1: your fault, but you'll still feel guilty. Yeah, and I 301 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,720 Speaker 1: guess the next thing I'll say is, oh, well, exactly, 302 00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,200 Speaker 1: I'm not able to sew that up with like a 303 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:00,280 Speaker 1: I have to. 304 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,480 Speaker 2: It's really interesting hearing about that. And I love the 305 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:07,680 Speaker 2: idea that your doctors prescribing you were other breps who 306 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 2: are just a little further down the corridor than you were. 307 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,000 Speaker 2: And that's that makes me happy. 308 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,440 Speaker 1: Good you had that support. 309 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,440 Speaker 2: Okay, so next question, what quality do you like least 310 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:37,359 Speaker 2: about yourself? 311 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: I mean, the thing that first came to mind is selfishness. 312 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,640 Speaker 1: And it's weird because the selfishness I feel now at 313 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:49,440 Speaker 1: age forty six, I think, I am you. 314 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:53,440 Speaker 2: Look forty six, thank you in a nice way. I'm 315 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:57,159 Speaker 2: fifty three, so I think is a spring chicken. 316 00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,760 Speaker 1: We're very foxy fifty three. 317 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:00,480 Speaker 2: That's true. 318 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:01,919 Speaker 1: I mean, I no, people can't see you. It is 319 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 1: interesting that you do wear a ball gown that barely 320 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:07,240 Speaker 1: fits the train of your ball gown barely fits into 321 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: the little studio, which is funny. 322 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:13,479 Speaker 2: Your rider is weird, and you insisted on me wearing this, 323 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,159 Speaker 2: So that's what I'm doing. 324 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,080 Speaker 1: That's the funniest possible. Yes, And like I said, you're 325 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,440 Speaker 1: wearing it and you and you said it's because I insisted. 326 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,800 Speaker 1: That's the funniest thing I've heard in several months. Okay, 327 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,680 Speaker 1: So what I was gonna say is the selfishness that 328 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 1: I feel at forty six is not very different from 329 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,679 Speaker 1: the selfishness I felt as a little kid. It's weird, 330 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:38,400 Speaker 1: is it like Boston Irish Catholic like guilt that you're 331 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,560 Speaker 1: born with, Because as a little kid, I can remember 332 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 1: doing chores like sweeping the kitchen and being like, I 333 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,240 Speaker 1: don't think anybody's going to see that pile. I'm not 334 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:50,880 Speaker 1: going to sweep it, you know, And in that moment, I'm. 335 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:51,679 Speaker 2: Not getting credit for it. 336 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,720 Speaker 1: I'm not doing it right. And even in that moment, 337 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:59,520 Speaker 1: and we're talking, being nine, being like I'm a piece 338 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:04,239 Speaker 1: of shit, Like only a piece of shit wouldn't do that. 339 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,360 Speaker 1: And my parents never called me a piece of shit. Yes, 340 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:13,200 Speaker 1: they grew up in Catholic orphanages and Catholic schools and 341 00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:19,880 Speaker 1: were abused by nuns, nikes and stuff, so maybe they 342 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,720 Speaker 1: couldn't help it pass a little that at all? But 343 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,199 Speaker 1: why did I feel that way? And then when I 344 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 1: found booze at age twelve was the first time I 345 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,880 Speaker 1: got drunk before I figured out that you could put 346 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 1: something in your body that would make everything magic and perfect. 347 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: I would steal and like vandalize, and then it was like, oh, 348 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:45,240 Speaker 1: you can vandalize yourself and then everything seems great, so 349 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,960 Speaker 1: you don't have to do things externally. You can just 350 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 1: pour booze and feel amazing. That felt really good. And 351 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,879 Speaker 1: so now still there's a part of me that is 352 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,600 Speaker 1: still like the little kid who's like sweep the whole floor. 353 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,280 Speaker 1: You know, it's so weird. 354 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,680 Speaker 2: Like, but how is that selfish a little twelve year old? 355 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,760 Speaker 1: So I don't think it is. So I guess we're 356 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:13,919 Speaker 1: discovering in real time here. My answer is not rational, right. 357 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,960 Speaker 2: I can't believe that as a human being you would 358 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,800 Speaker 2: have a non rational to a traumatic question. 359 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,919 Speaker 1: Oh. I mean another one that would perhaps be more 360 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,359 Speaker 1: rational is anger, you know, which is also something I 361 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,720 Speaker 1: really need to start thinking about more because I'm the 362 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,560 Speaker 1: largest person in my house by a lot. Until recently, 363 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: I weighed more than the other four people put together. 364 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:39,879 Speaker 2: And no wonder you want them to assist on you, 365 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:41,280 Speaker 2: I know, right, just. 366 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,159 Speaker 1: Balances that, like everybody in my house is allowed to 367 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,600 Speaker 1: get angry except me because I'm big, and it's scary 368 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 1: when I get angry, you know. And I don't hit 369 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,040 Speaker 1: people or anything like that, but sure I'll yell or swear. 370 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,720 Speaker 1: And nobody likes to get yelled or sworn at by 371 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,960 Speaker 1: somebody who's six foot. They just it's not pleasant, right, 372 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 1: And so the kind of new thing I'm working on 373 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,960 Speaker 1: is trying to like figure out how do you be 374 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,920 Speaker 1: angry if you're giants? Yeah, because I don't want to 375 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,960 Speaker 1: scare my family, but they'll be like crazy dervishes and 376 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 1: then I'm like god damn it and fist on the table, right, 377 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,680 Speaker 1: and then people start crying, you know what I mean. 378 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,280 Speaker 1: And so it's sort of a weird one because I 379 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,800 Speaker 1: just said earlier you have to feel emotions as you 380 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,760 Speaker 1: have them. You don't have to act on them and 381 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,119 Speaker 1: like do crazy stuff. But I'm not a bad person 382 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,399 Speaker 1: because I'm angry. Nobody is. You know. 383 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,120 Speaker 2: I wonder if there is a field where one can 384 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,320 Speaker 2: go just to experience. 385 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,600 Speaker 1: A real physical field you're yeah. 386 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,720 Speaker 2: Like your anger. Wait, there's a great roomy quote that 387 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:49,080 Speaker 2: I'm going to butcher out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and 388 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:53,160 Speaker 2: right doing. There is a field. I'll meet you there, 389 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,360 Speaker 2: And I really like that, But I actually wish there 390 00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 2: was a physical field where one could go and actually 391 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:03,400 Speaker 2: be experience orientially angry, because I sometimes you don't want 392 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,399 Speaker 2: to channel it into something else. We live in polite 393 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,840 Speaker 2: society and we don't want to frighten our children. But 394 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:14,040 Speaker 2: that expression of anger. I've screamed underwater when I was 395 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:18,240 Speaker 2: angry when my mom died and I buried her ashes 396 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,679 Speaker 2: at the place where I surf, and one day I 397 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,560 Speaker 2: was so sad and so angry that she was at 398 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:27,280 Speaker 2: the bottom of the sea and not sitting on the 399 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,800 Speaker 2: beach drinking of old Crantonic and I went under and 400 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,720 Speaker 2: I screamed so loudly, and it was just about the 401 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:36,119 Speaker 2: most satisfying thing I wonder. I just wonder about the 402 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,359 Speaker 2: expression of it, and I know that it's difficult to 403 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:41,639 Speaker 2: do that. And then all the idea of using yourself 404 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:43,680 Speaker 2: as a crucible that we put anger in and turning 405 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,720 Speaker 2: it into something else, I know that's positive and. 406 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,720 Speaker 1: It's weird, and I'm thinking about it because now I'm 407 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: five years from my son's death, and I really kind 408 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:57,400 Speaker 1: of wouldn't chastise anybody else who was struggling with anger. 409 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:08,000 Speaker 2: Love. What person, place, or experience most altered your life. 410 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,199 Speaker 1: Let me give an example here. So I mentioned my 411 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:16,640 Speaker 1: drinking earlier, almost twenty two years ago. I drank into 412 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 1: a blackout and I drove my car into the Los 413 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:24,359 Speaker 1: Angeles Department of Water and Power. 414 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:25,480 Speaker 2: Where is that? 415 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 1: There's like satellites all over the place. Which one did 416 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:32,119 Speaker 1: you drive into the corner of Pico and Genesee? 417 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:36,720 Speaker 2: I think, oh, exactly where that is? 418 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:38,280 Speaker 1: Okay, well, which is why I targeted it. 419 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:42,520 Speaker 2: Probably, but also drinking, try and forget that that part 420 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:43,119 Speaker 2: carrying out. 421 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 1: No, I drank into a blackout and I don't remember 422 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,240 Speaker 1: the accident, but apparently I did drive into that building. 423 00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:50,479 Speaker 1: No one else was involved, thank goodness. But I got 424 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:54,600 Speaker 1: badly hurt and was arrested and I could either go 425 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 1: to jail or I could go to rehab and then 426 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,280 Speaker 1: a sober living halfway house. I chose re I've been 427 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:04,800 Speaker 1: sober living for a few months and started getting sober, 428 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:09,600 Speaker 1: and when I had that accident, nobody I knew heard 429 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,040 Speaker 1: about it and was like what they were like, Yeah, 430 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,480 Speaker 1: we knew that was going to happen. So I knew 431 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 1: I can't drink anymore. You know, my drinking not only 432 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,080 Speaker 1: is it a danger to myself, which I had been 433 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,919 Speaker 1: at peace with, you know, as pathetic as that might be, 434 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,959 Speaker 1: it was, that was okay. But when I realized, holy mackerel, 435 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,679 Speaker 1: if I could pass out and kill somebody, I'm behind 436 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 1: the wheel and I don't even remember getting in the car. 437 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,200 Speaker 1: This has to stop. I don't want to kill anybody. 438 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:36,920 Speaker 1: I don't want to hurt anybody. And so it started 439 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:41,159 Speaker 1: to get sober and go to twelve Step meetings and stuff. 440 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:45,720 Speaker 1: And when I was sober for a year, this emacated 441 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 1: junkie came into a meeting and I had on a 442 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,800 Speaker 1: Boston Red Sox cap and this guy goes, hey, I'm 443 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,680 Speaker 1: from Boston, and I go, oh cool, And I introduced 444 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:59,280 Speaker 1: myself and talked to him for a little bit. Was 445 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:04,480 Speaker 1: just getting off of pills and was a mess, you know, 446 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:08,480 Speaker 1: really close to death. And I gave him my phone number. 447 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 1: I wrote it down a little piece of paper and 448 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,199 Speaker 1: I was like, well, hey, give me a call and 449 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,840 Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about the Red Sox and not taking 450 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:17,280 Speaker 1: pills and drinking bourbon. And then one year later at 451 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:23,160 Speaker 1: the same meeting and this muscular, tanned, beautiful guy comes 452 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,639 Speaker 1: up to me and is like, hey, Rob, and I 453 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,159 Speaker 1: said hello, and he goes, hey, it's Will. Remember we 454 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: met a year ago. And he pointed to the corner 455 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,680 Speaker 1: where he had been, like, you know, curled up in 456 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,679 Speaker 1: a ball and he was like yeah, I was like skinny, 457 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:38,159 Speaker 1: a junkie, and you were nice to me and gave 458 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,359 Speaker 1: me a number and I was like, yeah, my god, 459 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,560 Speaker 1: like it was like a different person. And so we 460 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,120 Speaker 1: got to talking and he's like, listen, before I went 461 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:49,680 Speaker 1: off the rails, I worked at this camp for people 462 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:53,360 Speaker 1: with disabilities, and now they've got some spride under my belt. 463 00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:55,919 Speaker 1: I'm gonna start one up here in LA because this 464 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,399 Speaker 1: souther one was in Massachusetts. Would you be interested in 465 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,679 Speaker 1: volunteering at it? And I was like, yeah, yeah, it 466 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:06,560 Speaker 1: would be and so I did so, and I loved it, 467 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 1: working with kids and adults with Down syndrome cerebral palsy, 468 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:15,200 Speaker 1: and it was really wonderful. I was twenty six, twenty 469 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:20,280 Speaker 1: seven and then summer was rolling around. So the mothership 470 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:23,920 Speaker 1: that his camp had was the satellite of was in Massachusetts, 471 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,359 Speaker 1: and I decided to go to that. And this was 472 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 1: before Obama Care, so I had to get a job 473 00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:32,720 Speaker 1: that had benefits. And so I was working at this 474 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,840 Speaker 1: terrible internet company and I walked into my boss's office 475 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:38,399 Speaker 1: and I said, I'm quitting, I think, because I'm going 476 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,040 Speaker 1: to go volunteer at this camp for a few weeks. 477 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,439 Speaker 1: And he goes, you know what, that would look good 478 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:47,840 Speaker 1: if we let you do that. That would be just 479 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,640 Speaker 1: be good for tax purposes. We can say like, oh, 480 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,640 Speaker 1: we volunteer, so go do it. We'll pay you half 481 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,440 Speaker 1: your salary while you're doing it, then you can come back. 482 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,640 Speaker 1: And I was like what. It wasn't like hey, that's cool. 483 00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 1: It was like that would look good for us, so 484 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,480 Speaker 1: yet you're not. And I was like, oh all right. 485 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:05,800 Speaker 1: So I went and the day I got there, I 486 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:09,080 Speaker 1: met the woman who is now my wife. She was 487 00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:13,600 Speaker 1: a counselor. Yeah, and the camp was one on one, 488 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,600 Speaker 1: so every counselor had one camper because it was heavy 489 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:18,800 Speaker 1: duty stuff, you know, like a teenager or an adult 490 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,119 Speaker 1: with cebral palsy y. You know, you're lifting them and 491 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,440 Speaker 1: bathing them and stuff. So we each had I had 492 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:26,880 Speaker 1: an adolescent with tarble palsy, and she had a teenager 493 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,400 Speaker 1: with cerebral palsy. And so I just met this beautiful 494 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,560 Speaker 1: woman who was a school teacher and was taking the 495 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,199 Speaker 1: summer to do this volunteer work. And she was in 496 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,400 Speaker 1: a bikini which I recently found in storage when going 497 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,440 Speaker 1: through some old stuff. So it was so tiny. So 498 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:45,600 Speaker 1: in a sense, it wasn't my fault, but she you know, 499 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:48,880 Speaker 1: so we fell in love. Yeah, so this guy. So 500 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,080 Speaker 1: basically what I'm saying is like, the thing was I 501 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,640 Speaker 1: don't know was that? Was it my alcoholism? Was it 502 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,240 Speaker 1: the accident? Was it me putting out my hand in 503 00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:59,560 Speaker 1: the spirit of the twelve Steps and saying like, hey 504 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,400 Speaker 1: man and doing what you're told in that program? You know? 505 00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,120 Speaker 2: Was it him not calling you in that year and 506 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:09,000 Speaker 2: waiting to come back transform about exactly? 507 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:14,280 Speaker 1: And So to me, that's a pretty miraculous turn of events. 508 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 2: I agree. 509 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:16,840 Speaker 1: So I wind up falling in love with that woman. 510 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,640 Speaker 1: We've been together for years, and then we wind up 511 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:23,800 Speaker 1: amazingly having a son who gets disabled by cancer, brain 512 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:27,680 Speaker 1: cancer and surgery, and winds up having things like feeding tubes, 513 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:32,280 Speaker 1: breathing tubes and all the things that we learned. How 514 00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:34,880 Speaker 1: to take care of and maintain when we met. 515 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:40,640 Speaker 2: You know, the crazy, the magic of that of that 516 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:44,719 Speaker 2: wonder and that love. Yeah, none of this disallows the 517 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,800 Speaker 2: agony of what happened. But I'm so interested in how 518 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:53,560 Speaker 2: much grace from will being near death just saying hi 519 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:56,600 Speaker 2: to you and you probably maybe even because I've done 520 00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:00,840 Speaker 2: it myself and alan on meetings through my life performatively 521 00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,280 Speaker 2: oh hey, take my number, and then kind of forgetting 522 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:07,920 Speaker 2: about that person, re meeting him, his life transformed. You 523 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:12,480 Speaker 2: meeting your wife, you having Henry, you both being fully 524 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:16,000 Speaker 2: qualified in the largeness of both of your hearts, and 525 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:19,640 Speaker 2: also expertise from having volunteered to take care of him. 526 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:23,000 Speaker 1: Insane. It just goes to show you that you cannot 527 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:31,560 Speaker 1: know the effect of one tiny act of kindness can 528 00:30:31,720 --> 00:31:00,720 Speaker 1: get rolling like a snowball and become a wonderful avalanche. 529 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,920 Speaker 2: In your life. Can you tell me about something that 530 00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:57,320 Speaker 2: has grown out of a personal disaster? 531 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 1: Well, I feel like I just did with the thing 532 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:06,520 Speaker 1: of the car accident leading to being married to my 533 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,760 Speaker 1: wife and being having some skills in our back pockets 534 00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 1: ready to go to care for Henry. So that's one disaster. 535 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 1: But let me think of another one, maybe like a. 536 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 2: U turn, like in terms of things are going along 537 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,240 Speaker 2: one way and then something happens. It doesn't necessarily have 538 00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:23,080 Speaker 2: to be a disaster. But I think the idea of 539 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:25,880 Speaker 2: we're attached to our life going in one way and 540 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 2: something then happens that is ostensibly not what we've planned. 541 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,320 Speaker 2: It's challenging to talk about this when you've had a 542 00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:37,520 Speaker 2: child who's passed away, because obviously you are here functioning, 543 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:42,480 Speaker 2: this beautiful dad and person and husband, and your very 544 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:45,440 Speaker 2: being here is the answer to this question. But I 545 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:49,760 Speaker 2: wonder if there is, if there was anything in your career, 546 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:52,440 Speaker 2: how did you dovetail out of working at the bad 547 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:56,480 Speaker 2: Internet company into stand up and writing and being a comedian. 548 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:00,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, so I went to Tish School of the Arts, 549 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:03,920 Speaker 1: where I studied musical theater, and thought like, oh, I 550 00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:06,400 Speaker 1: want to do Broadway shows. That's what I want to do. 551 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,160 Speaker 2: I kind of want you to do that, so I'd 552 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:10,520 Speaker 2: love to maybe that can be on the cause. 553 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:17,680 Speaker 1: But then my final year of university I found live comedy, 554 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:20,680 Speaker 1: and this would be in nineteen ninety eight, and so 555 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:25,200 Speaker 1: as soon as I saw people making people laugh with 556 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,920 Speaker 1: stuff that they'd thought up themselves, that I was like, oh, 557 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:33,000 Speaker 1: I want to smoke that crack. Rather than the mediocre 558 00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:35,560 Speaker 1: joint of doing something somebody else wrote that they would 559 00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:37,760 Speaker 1: do even if I weren't there, they would cast somebody 560 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:39,240 Speaker 1: else in it. I want to do stuff that only 561 00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 1: I can do. So I started doing that. And then 562 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:44,880 Speaker 1: after being like what they call a U five meaning 563 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,600 Speaker 1: somebody who has under five lines on a soap opera, 564 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:51,840 Speaker 1: you five. This is an AFTRA contract, not even a SAG, 565 00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:54,640 Speaker 1: no control they time together. So it's so having like 566 00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:57,600 Speaker 1: less than five lines on a couple episodes of all 567 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:01,440 Speaker 1: my children, I was like, obviously I need to go 568 00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:06,920 Speaker 1: to Hollywood immediately. And so I go to Hollywood and 569 00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:09,200 Speaker 1: you know, like six months later i'd drive into the building. 570 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,880 Speaker 1: So then, as I said, I had to get a 571 00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:13,520 Speaker 1: job that I didn't want to do so that I 572 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:16,640 Speaker 1: could have health insurance. And it was a company that 573 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:19,480 Speaker 1: I can't use the word invent because they just kind 574 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:23,880 Speaker 1: of stole it from Friendster. But this company came up 575 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:28,680 Speaker 1: with my Space, and so we all kind of got 576 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,760 Speaker 1: some like clout from being in the same building as 577 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:35,200 Speaker 1: a guy who was like, let's copy Friendster and call 578 00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:38,200 Speaker 1: it MySpace. And so people are like, oh wow, like 579 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:41,040 Speaker 1: you helped invent MySpace and I was like, no, no, 580 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: I didn't. So I kind of like failed upward. I 581 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,160 Speaker 1: wasn't good at it. I hated it. And then I 582 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:49,280 Speaker 1: would get laid off periodically and go to another company 583 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,040 Speaker 1: do like the internet stuff, for like an auto loan 584 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:56,960 Speaker 1: company or a makeup company. And when I got laid 585 00:33:56,960 --> 00:34:02,720 Speaker 1: off from the third company got raided or something. One 586 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,880 Speaker 1: of them later wound up dead in a motel that 587 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,759 Speaker 1: had burned like a really rich guy's found in a 588 00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:12,000 Speaker 1: CD motel that it was just like exploded. So I'm 589 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:16,600 Speaker 1: at these companies which are not feeding my soul, to 590 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:19,799 Speaker 1: say the least. And I get laid off from the 591 00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:25,040 Speaker 1: third one, and I was like it's time. I'm so, 592 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:26,879 Speaker 1: what did you do? I'm a comedian. Oh my god, 593 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,000 Speaker 1: so I'm doing this. This is so funny. 594 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:30,640 Speaker 2: The motel exploded in flames. 595 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:33,680 Speaker 1: This is hilario a switch fuld. Yeah, I guess this 596 00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:37,400 Speaker 1: would be like two thousand and seven or so, and 597 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:40,560 Speaker 1: I just said it's now or never. So then I 598 00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,280 Speaker 1: just started doing stand up in La in La. 599 00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:45,719 Speaker 2: Like all those clubs, just like going. 600 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:48,319 Speaker 1: Multiple sets every night, driving from club to club to 601 00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:51,600 Speaker 1: the theater to bar to thie restaurant where people are like, 602 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:56,120 Speaker 1: oh no, there's a comedy show happening. And I just 603 00:34:56,239 --> 00:34:58,239 Speaker 1: kept doing that, and so I went from having a 604 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:00,000 Speaker 1: little bit of money in the bank to no money 605 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,239 Speaker 1: in the bank, to being horrifically in debt, to my 606 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,920 Speaker 1: wife being like, oh my god, what have I got 607 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,839 Speaker 1: myself into? And it was funny. I was telling our 608 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:11,279 Speaker 1: babysitter about this last night. At one point my wife 609 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:15,560 Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I like Rob, He's a nice person, 610 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,360 Speaker 1: he has good jeens. He isn't gonna be able to 611 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 1: raise a family because so what I'm gonna do is 612 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:29,080 Speaker 1: I'm gonna get pregnant and literally probably won't raise the 613 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:31,600 Speaker 1: child with him, but I'm getting to the point where 614 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:34,520 Speaker 1: I kind of need to have kids, and so I'll 615 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:37,120 Speaker 1: just get pregnant because people have done that and then 616 00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:39,200 Speaker 1: and raised the kid on their own. Or maybe I'll 617 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:42,439 Speaker 1: meet somebody, meet somebody who is employeable. Maybe And then 618 00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:49,200 Speaker 1: weeks after she got pregnant, I got a couple jobs 619 00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,560 Speaker 1: at once, like a job writing for my first TV show. 620 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,440 Speaker 1: Because at this point I'm sending packets of jokes to 621 00:35:56,040 --> 00:36:00,399 Speaker 1: Kimmel Conan Chelsea Handler trying to be a late writer. 622 00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:02,439 Speaker 2: Who gave you the first gig. 623 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:06,439 Speaker 1: It was a show called Ridiculousness on MTV. It wasn't 624 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,600 Speaker 1: a late night show. It's a show that's still running 625 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:13,040 Speaker 1: and dominates MTV. Like there's no music, yeah, because it's 626 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:16,440 Speaker 1: just Ridiculousness, which is like a funny home videos show 627 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:21,600 Speaker 1: hosted by the skater and entrepreneur Rob Dirdick, and so 628 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,600 Speaker 1: it's very funny. I was on the first season of 629 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:28,240 Speaker 1: this show, Ridiculousness, and that changed my life. And shortly 630 00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,600 Speaker 1: after that I got a book deal, and then I 631 00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:36,359 Speaker 1: got to make a pilot for Comedy Central and it began, yeah, 632 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:38,480 Speaker 1: like I started to be able to earn a living 633 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:42,400 Speaker 1: from just jokes and writing and acting and stuff, whereas 634 00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:48,800 Speaker 1: before that I super didn't, or rather I did upon 635 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:53,000 Speaker 1: graduation from school. And then when I drove into the building, 636 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:56,120 Speaker 1: that stopped and then just had a what we'll call 637 00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,320 Speaker 1: I don't know if I was called a fallow period, 638 00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:02,160 Speaker 1: because it was necessary. I think that's sixty the ground 639 00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:03,319 Speaker 1: was being fertilized. 640 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,920 Speaker 2: That is my podcast. 641 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:11,120 Speaker 4: And I can't tell you how oh, I can't tell 642 00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:13,040 Speaker 4: you how much I'm going to listen to this and 643 00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:17,680 Speaker 4: remember things when I need to be reminded of things. 644 00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:21,279 Speaker 1: I can't believe how honest I was with you and 645 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:23,759 Speaker 1: talked about things that I wouldn't normally ever talk about it. 646 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:28,359 Speaker 2: I'm so glad that you did and were and we 647 00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,160 Speaker 2: hug your wife from me, I will And have you 648 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:32,279 Speaker 2: got a fifteen year old? 649 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:34,120 Speaker 1: Is? No? My oldest is twelve? 650 00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:35,759 Speaker 2: Ah? The twelve year old? 651 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:36,160 Speaker 1: Yeah? 652 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:39,200 Speaker 2: Oh yes, I see, because Henry was born in two 653 00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:42,560 Speaker 2: thousand and eight. Yeah, I got it. Well, maybe we'll 654 00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:44,600 Speaker 2: all cross paths in the park. We can go and 655 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:46,080 Speaker 2: play cricket instead of softball. 656 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:48,719 Speaker 1: Wow. I'll have to learn how. But if you're willing 657 00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:50,120 Speaker 1: to be patient with me, it's really good. 658 00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:54,240 Speaker 2: I'd bowl under arm to you anyway. Okay, great, Thank you. 659 00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:55,000 Speaker 2: You're an angel. 660 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:55,520 Speaker 1: You are. 661 00:37:55,960 --> 00:38:02,319 Speaker 2: Thank you. Mini Questions is hosted and written by Me 662 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:07,279 Speaker 2: Mini Driver, Executive produced by Me and Aaron Kaufman, with 663 00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:11,760 Speaker 2: production support from Jennifer Bassett, Zoe Denkler, and Ali Perry. 664 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:16,160 Speaker 2: The theme music is also by Me and additional music 665 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:21,080 Speaker 2: by Aaron Kaufman. Special banks to Jim Nikolay Addison, O'Day, 666 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:26,040 Speaker 2: Henry Driver, Lisa Castello, a Nick oppenheim, A, Nick Mueller 667 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:30,840 Speaker 2: and Annette Wolfe at w kPr, Will Pearson, Nicki Etoor, 668 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,360 Speaker 2: Morgan Lavoy and man gesh Her Tigadore