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Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. Danny's

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Speaker 1: Listening is a bonus series brought to you by Family

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Speaker 1: Secrets High Family Secrets Family. It's been a while. First,

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Speaker 1: I want to let you know that a new season

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Speaker 1: of Family Secrets will drop on May four, with all

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Speaker 1: new episodes. It's hard to believe we're heading into our

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Speaker 1: eighth season. I've always said that I'd stopped doing this

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Speaker 1: podcast if I ran out of great stories to tell.

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Speaker 1: But here's the thing. There is an endless array of

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Speaker 1: family secrets, the kind we keep, the kind we discover,

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Speaker 1: the kind that are kept from us, because no family

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Speaker 1: is untouched by them, no family is immune, and no

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Speaker 1: family is perfect, which leads me to this brief bonus episode.

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Speaker 1: We're occasionally going to drop listener stories into the feed

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Speaker 1: between now and when the new season drops, along with

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Speaker 1: extraordinary interviews, like an upcoming one with the brilliant Dr Gabor,

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Speaker 1: mate trauma specialist and author most recently, of the Myths

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Speaker 1: of Normal. Stay tuned for that one. You won't want

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Speaker 1: to miss it. But also, so many of you are

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Speaker 1: calling in with your stories. My team and I are

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Speaker 1: incredibly moved by your courage and your trust. In us

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Speaker 1: will work hard to continue to earn that trust and

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Speaker 1: to create this community. So here's our latest episode of

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Speaker 1: a segment we call Danny's Listening because I am. In

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Speaker 1: case you're new to this, We're going to play a

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Speaker 1: listener story for you, and then I'll share a few thoughts.

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Speaker 1: As always, Thanks for being here, Thanks for listening. Hello.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I don't try

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Speaker 1: to make it quick. I have been in an inappropriate

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Speaker 1: relationship was a man for a very long time. The

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Speaker 1: sexual part of it is over. I ended it years ago,

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Speaker 1: but we're still friends, and I know that my family,

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Speaker 1: even though the sexual party is over, I would still

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Speaker 1: consider that inappropriate, as they should. My husband and daughter,

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Speaker 1: I think I hung the moon. They literally referred to

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Speaker 1: me as perfect, which when you think about it, is

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Speaker 1: a hard compliment. And I love them so much. I

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Speaker 1: love them so much. I love my husband so much,

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Speaker 1: and I know that if this were ever discovered, she

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Speaker 1: would not believe that I love him like I love him.

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Speaker 1: It would be hard for him to the leave that

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Speaker 1: because he would equate sexful flu He's very old fashioned

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Speaker 1: and he just wouldn't even be able to fathom how

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Speaker 1: I allowed it to happen and it would just devastate him,

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Speaker 1: and in a way that has devastated me. I've gained

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Speaker 1: a lot of weight, I have anxiety attacks, I don't

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Speaker 1: sleep well, and this has been going on for years.

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Speaker 1: I've gotten all kinds of health problems, and I know

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Speaker 1: that the anxiety around this has contributed to it. But

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Speaker 1: I know that it would be far worse if I

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Speaker 1: were ever confronted with it. No one would understand how

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Speaker 1: I let this happened. Sometimes I'm not even sure I understand.

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Speaker 1: I was going through a lot at the time. And

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Speaker 1: when you say that it sounds like an excuse. It's

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Speaker 1: there is no cause. I know that. But his black

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Speaker 1: eup was a different person, like my mind altered by

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Speaker 1: what was happening to me otherwise, and I just let

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Speaker 1: it happen. And I know I know that my husband

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Speaker 1: and daughter would never forgive me for it. How do

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Speaker 1: you forgive somebody you have on a pedestal. I don't

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Speaker 1: know what else is said. I can't believe I did this,

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Speaker 1: that's all. M wow. Okay, First, I'm so glad you

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Speaker 1: called in. That took a lot of guts, and I

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Speaker 1: could tell as I listened that you were taking a

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Speaker 1: big risk and surprising yourself. My guess is that you

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Speaker 1: may have never spoken these words allowed to a single soul.

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Speaker 1: I hear the weight of this story in your voice.

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Speaker 1: What struck me most is what you say about perfection.

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Speaker 1: Your family, your husband and daughter think you're perfect. You

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Speaker 1: describe that as a hard compliment, and I really agree

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Speaker 1: with you. It's hard because no one is perfect. I mean,

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Speaker 1: of course, it's never an easy thing to have had

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Speaker 1: an inappropriate relationship outside your marriage. But you hardly need

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Speaker 1: me to tell you that. You're telling yourself that. Every

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Speaker 1: single day you're punishing yourself with your anxiety, your weight gain,

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Speaker 1: your health problems. You worry that your husband and daughter

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Speaker 1: wouldn't understand and that they might not forgive you. You say,

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Speaker 1: how do you forgive someone you have on a pedestal?

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Speaker 1: What do we put on pedestals? Statues? That's what statues

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Speaker 1: made of marble of stone. You are of flesh and blood,

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Speaker 1: human being, one who made a mistake and who is

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Speaker 1: living with profound consequences. You don't need the consequences of

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Speaker 1: blowing up your family, of your husband and daughter finding

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Speaker 1: out after all these years it seems to me that

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Speaker 1: what you do need is to be kinder to yourself,

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Speaker 1: to stop expecting perfection, to get down off that pedestal

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Speaker 1: and accept that the person you were when you had

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Speaker 1: the affair you describe her as a different person, is

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Speaker 1: not who you are today. Maybe you can make your

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Speaker 1: own private amends by I don't know, reaching out a

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Speaker 1: hand and kindness to someone else who's suffering. It sounds

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Speaker 1: like you love your family a lot and they love

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Speaker 1: you too. Can you allow yourself a new chapter moving forward?

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Speaker 1: I hope you can. We all make mistakes. Those mistakes

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Speaker 1: don't have to define us forever. I wish you luck

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Speaker 1: and hope you're able to be gentle with yourself. Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's it. We'll be back in a bit with more

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Speaker 1: listeners stories as well as Dr Gabor Mate and remember

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Speaker 1: May Force get ready for the new season. If you

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Speaker 1: have a secret you'd like to share, please call eight

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Speaker 1: eight eight Secret zero. That's eight eight eight secret and

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Speaker 1: the number zero