1 00:00:16,897 --> 00:00:29,297 Speaker 1: Pushkin. Before we get started, let's talk about Pushkin Plus. 2 00:00:29,817 --> 00:00:34,417 Speaker 1: Pushkin Plus is a subscription podcast program available on Apple Podcasts. 3 00:00:34,977 --> 00:00:38,417 Speaker 1: Members will get access to exclusive bonus content like my 4 00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:41,137 Speaker 1: weekly bookmarks, where I talk about how I got a 5 00:00:41,177 --> 00:00:43,577 Speaker 1: book agent and what I'm watching on TV that week. 6 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:47,937 Speaker 1: You'll get uninterrupted listening to many of your favorite podcasts 7 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:53,137 Speaker 1: like Revisionis History, Cautionary Tales, and The Happiness Lab. Sign 8 00:00:53,217 --> 00:00:55,537 Speaker 1: up for Pushkin Plus on the show page in Apple 9 00:00:55,617 --> 00:01:13,657 Speaker 1: Podcasts or at pushkin dot com. Disha Philly y'all grew 10 00:01:13,737 --> 00:01:17,817 Speaker 1: up surrounded by women in Jacksonville, Florida, who would eventually 11 00:01:17,857 --> 00:01:22,017 Speaker 1: aspire her debut collection of short stories, The Secret Lives 12 00:01:22,017 --> 00:01:25,617 Speaker 1: of Church Ladies. I looked at the women who dressed 13 00:01:25,617 --> 00:01:28,657 Speaker 1: the part and acted the part, and I was like, 14 00:01:28,777 --> 00:01:31,697 Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be them, but I don't know how. 15 00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,737 Speaker 1: And also these women who aren't like them, they're having 16 00:01:34,737 --> 00:01:39,217 Speaker 1: more fun. They're going to hell, but they're having more fun. 17 00:01:40,137 --> 00:01:44,937 Speaker 1: Her collection explores the confusing double standards she experienced growing 18 00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:48,497 Speaker 1: up in the Black church, where redemption is not readily 19 00:01:48,537 --> 00:01:52,257 Speaker 1: available for women and many topics are two taboo to 20 00:01:52,297 --> 00:01:58,377 Speaker 1: discuss openly. So I was confused by church. Critics and 21 00:01:58,417 --> 00:02:02,337 Speaker 1: readers alike loved the revealing stories, and her book went 22 00:02:02,337 --> 00:02:05,817 Speaker 1: on to win the twenty twenty one Penn Faulkner Award 23 00:02:05,857 --> 00:02:09,697 Speaker 1: for Fiction. It's also being adapted into a mini series 24 00:02:09,737 --> 00:02:14,777 Speaker 1: for HBO Matt which I can't wait to watch. Welcome 25 00:02:14,817 --> 00:02:17,937 Speaker 1: to Well Read Black Girl, the literary kickback you didn't 26 00:02:17,977 --> 00:02:24,017 Speaker 1: even know you needed. I'm your host, Glory Adam. Each 27 00:02:24,057 --> 00:02:27,417 Speaker 1: week I sit in conversation with one of my favorite authors, 28 00:02:27,497 --> 00:02:30,977 Speaker 1: and among other things, we talk about the craft of writing. 29 00:02:33,857 --> 00:02:37,097 Speaker 1: In my conversation with Disha phil y'all, we talk about 30 00:02:37,137 --> 00:02:41,057 Speaker 1: both of our complex relationships with the church, how intimate 31 00:02:41,097 --> 00:02:44,137 Speaker 1: she gets with her characters, and how black women have 32 00:02:44,257 --> 00:02:54,577 Speaker 1: shaped her life both on and off the page. Hey girl, 33 00:02:54,697 --> 00:02:59,377 Speaker 1: how's it going. Hello, I'm great. Thank you for having me. 34 00:02:59,737 --> 00:03:02,417 Speaker 1: I am so happy to have you on the podcast 35 00:03:02,617 --> 00:03:07,177 Speaker 1: because I have questions on poon questions. I actually read 36 00:03:07,457 --> 00:03:10,217 Speaker 1: your book like it was like my secret treat. It 37 00:03:10,297 --> 00:03:12,857 Speaker 1: was like my own little thing that I would like 38 00:03:12,897 --> 00:03:15,697 Speaker 1: curl up in bed and read and then go to 39 00:03:15,777 --> 00:03:17,897 Speaker 1: my group text message and be like, girl, did you 40 00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:20,977 Speaker 1: get to this part? Did you read this yet? It 41 00:03:21,697 --> 00:03:24,657 Speaker 1: just it just felt so right, like being in the 42 00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:28,137 Speaker 1: church and leaning towards the teachings, but also trying to 43 00:03:28,217 --> 00:03:32,297 Speaker 1: understand desire and sexuality, and just like your blackness and 44 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:36,737 Speaker 1: being full like you address all these things. It feels 45 00:03:36,777 --> 00:03:39,937 Speaker 1: like you. And granted I don't know you know you, 46 00:03:40,417 --> 00:03:43,817 Speaker 1: but I feel like I know you. Thank you, thank you. 47 00:03:43,937 --> 00:03:46,617 Speaker 1: I mean, it's such an intimate book, and that's really 48 00:03:46,697 --> 00:03:49,777 Speaker 1: what I wanted it to be. Really an intimate look 49 00:03:49,857 --> 00:03:53,897 Speaker 1: at black women's interior lives and how we speak, how 50 00:03:53,937 --> 00:03:56,457 Speaker 1: we speak to each other, how we, you know, talk 51 00:03:56,497 --> 00:04:00,657 Speaker 1: about ourselves. That is something so special about our work, right, 52 00:04:00,737 --> 00:04:03,777 Speaker 1: Like when we see each other, it feels immediate. It's like, oh, 53 00:04:04,097 --> 00:04:07,737 Speaker 1: like she understands. I would love to start from the 54 00:04:07,857 --> 00:04:11,817 Speaker 1: very beginning. How did reading and literature up in your childhood? 55 00:04:12,417 --> 00:04:15,577 Speaker 1: So I apparently read early. My mom said I could 56 00:04:15,617 --> 00:04:19,457 Speaker 1: three when I was three, and she said she read 57 00:04:19,497 --> 00:04:22,097 Speaker 1: to me a lot, but to her chagrin, I had 58 00:04:22,177 --> 00:04:26,337 Speaker 1: no recollection of being read to. But I remember reading. 59 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:31,897 Speaker 1: I've always been really enamored with language and words early on. 60 00:04:31,977 --> 00:04:34,297 Speaker 1: You know. I read Judy Bloom like many of us do. 61 00:04:34,777 --> 00:04:37,497 Speaker 1: But I did get into some of James Baldwin's work 62 00:04:37,537 --> 00:04:40,777 Speaker 1: and even Tony Morrison and Alice Walker in high school, 63 00:04:41,097 --> 00:04:44,737 Speaker 1: but in elementary school, my next door neighborhood was my godmother. 64 00:04:44,777 --> 00:04:47,417 Speaker 1: She had a whole bookshelf, which for me was like 65 00:04:47,497 --> 00:04:50,337 Speaker 1: having a library at your house, which blew my mind. 66 00:04:50,737 --> 00:04:53,617 Speaker 1: And so she had adult novels. So I remember I 67 00:04:53,737 --> 00:04:57,737 Speaker 1: was eight, I read The Happy Hooker. I read Portnoy's Complaints. No, 68 00:04:57,937 --> 00:05:03,097 Speaker 1: not The Happy Hooker. I was reading stuff that I 69 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:06,697 Speaker 1: had no business reading. And honestly, you know, a lot 70 00:05:06,737 --> 00:05:09,737 Speaker 1: of things that I learned about sex was from books. 71 00:05:10,057 --> 00:05:13,577 Speaker 1: I remember reading Jackie Collins novels in the library, sitting 72 00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:15,977 Speaker 1: on the floor of the public library in Jacksonville and 73 00:05:16,297 --> 00:05:19,097 Speaker 1: reading biology books, just trying to figure out this mystery, 74 00:05:19,257 --> 00:05:23,057 Speaker 1: you know, of sex. But other books like Louise Merriweather's 75 00:05:23,097 --> 00:05:26,457 Speaker 1: Daddy Was a Number Runner, opened up other worlds and 76 00:05:26,657 --> 00:05:29,657 Speaker 1: just let me know that there is a big world 77 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,177 Speaker 1: out there, and it made me curious and let me 78 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:36,657 Speaker 1: know that I could aspire to go places that could 79 00:05:36,697 --> 00:05:39,697 Speaker 1: actually build a life beyond the one that I had. 80 00:05:40,457 --> 00:05:43,937 Speaker 1: I read Terry McMillan, Jay California Cooper. You know so 81 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:48,737 Speaker 1: many black women authors because like you said about my book, 82 00:05:48,817 --> 00:05:51,457 Speaker 1: those were the stories and the voices that spoke to 83 00:05:51,497 --> 00:05:54,737 Speaker 1: me and my experience, and people who were writing about 84 00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:58,137 Speaker 1: people that lived like we lived. Always had a very 85 00:05:58,257 --> 00:06:03,097 Speaker 1: rich reading life straight through college and into my early 86 00:06:03,097 --> 00:06:06,537 Speaker 1: adulthood after college, but I really didn't start writing until 87 00:06:06,857 --> 00:06:10,177 Speaker 1: my late twenties. But I have always been a reader. 88 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:14,697 Speaker 1: You mentioned the Happy Hooker, You mentioned Jay California Cooper, 89 00:06:14,857 --> 00:06:19,017 Speaker 1: and Terry McMillan, like you had these vast examples of 90 00:06:19,577 --> 00:06:23,257 Speaker 1: black womanhood or even just girlhood and coming of age. 91 00:06:23,897 --> 00:06:26,497 Speaker 1: How did you come to understand what being a good 92 00:06:26,577 --> 00:06:29,457 Speaker 1: girl meant and who you are becoming as you were 93 00:06:29,497 --> 00:06:33,417 Speaker 1: reading all these things. I got so much conflicting information 94 00:06:34,377 --> 00:06:36,977 Speaker 1: about it, as we, you know, all of us do, 95 00:06:37,817 --> 00:06:41,017 Speaker 1: especially those of us who have a connection with the church, 96 00:06:41,177 --> 00:06:43,457 Speaker 1: because on the surface, what it seemed like to me 97 00:06:43,617 --> 00:06:45,657 Speaker 1: is that there were a lot of rules to be 98 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:48,817 Speaker 1: a good girl. Didn't seem to be any rules for boys, 99 00:06:49,297 --> 00:06:51,497 Speaker 1: but it seemed like with girls there was so much 100 00:06:51,497 --> 00:06:53,697 Speaker 1: you couldn't do, There was so much risk, there was 101 00:06:53,737 --> 00:06:56,577 Speaker 1: so much fear, and then there seemed to be a 102 00:06:56,617 --> 00:07:00,537 Speaker 1: war inside because of course we had those natural desires 103 00:07:00,537 --> 00:07:04,977 Speaker 1: and urges, and so what I learned early on about 104 00:07:05,017 --> 00:07:07,737 Speaker 1: being a good girl is that you had to hide stuff, 105 00:07:08,417 --> 00:07:11,137 Speaker 1: you know. And then, of course, as kids were so 106 00:07:11,577 --> 00:07:14,537 Speaker 1: self centered and not realizing we got secrets, other people 107 00:07:14,577 --> 00:07:17,737 Speaker 1: have secrets too, you know, And that curiosity kind of 108 00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:20,297 Speaker 1: extended to the women around me too, And how were 109 00:07:20,337 --> 00:07:23,097 Speaker 1: they kind of navigating this idea that you were supposed 110 00:07:23,137 --> 00:07:26,137 Speaker 1: to be chased, that sex was reserved for marriage. I 111 00:07:26,217 --> 00:07:28,497 Speaker 1: didn't know what to make of the fact that that 112 00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:31,257 Speaker 1: wasn't observed by the women around me. My mother was 113 00:07:31,297 --> 00:07:33,897 Speaker 1: a single mother, my grandmother was a single mother, and 114 00:07:33,977 --> 00:07:37,177 Speaker 1: weren't they good. You know, they didn't go to church, 115 00:07:37,217 --> 00:07:39,417 Speaker 1: but they sent me to church, so clearly they were 116 00:07:39,457 --> 00:07:42,617 Speaker 1: trying to make me good, and that was a lot 117 00:07:42,697 --> 00:07:44,777 Speaker 1: of pressure. You know. My mother had me when she 118 00:07:44,897 --> 00:07:47,377 Speaker 1: was eighteen, she got pregnant when she was seventeen, so 119 00:07:47,417 --> 00:07:50,257 Speaker 1: I knew, even without her ever saying the words, that 120 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:55,297 Speaker 1: the expectation was that that not happened to me, and 121 00:07:55,337 --> 00:07:57,857 Speaker 1: that you know, it'd be something that it happens to you. 122 00:07:57,857 --> 00:08:00,817 Speaker 1: You know, there's not this agency. And so it seemed 123 00:08:00,857 --> 00:08:04,897 Speaker 1: like being a good girl meant being very passive and 124 00:08:05,377 --> 00:08:08,817 Speaker 1: having a lot of desire and wanting and longing to 125 00:08:08,857 --> 00:08:14,177 Speaker 1: overcome the appearance of chastity and holiness and being untouched 126 00:08:15,137 --> 00:08:17,977 Speaker 1: when you know, what we want most of all, it 127 00:08:18,057 --> 00:08:20,097 Speaker 1: was to be touched, you know, yes, and that touch 128 00:08:20,217 --> 00:08:23,457 Speaker 1: isn't necessarily always a romantic desire, that is just like 129 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:28,137 Speaker 1: an embrace of love and nourishment, you know. Absolutely. It's 130 00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:31,497 Speaker 1: really interesting to hear that your grandmother and mother didn't 131 00:08:31,537 --> 00:08:33,857 Speaker 1: go to church, but they were adamant about sending you 132 00:08:33,937 --> 00:08:36,577 Speaker 1: to church. So how would you describe your relationship with 133 00:08:36,577 --> 00:08:38,497 Speaker 1: the church growing up? Yeah, you know, it was one 134 00:08:38,497 --> 00:08:41,057 Speaker 1: of those things like we just accept a lot from 135 00:08:41,057 --> 00:08:44,297 Speaker 1: our parents without question. I think our generation is such 136 00:08:44,497 --> 00:08:46,417 Speaker 1: that we were to be seen and not heard. And 137 00:08:46,457 --> 00:08:49,537 Speaker 1: I only asked about that one time and my grandmother, 138 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,697 Speaker 1: you know, her response let me know she didn't want 139 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:53,497 Speaker 1: to talk about it, but what she said was when 140 00:08:53,537 --> 00:08:56,057 Speaker 1: I get myself together, when I get right, I'll go 141 00:08:56,137 --> 00:08:58,737 Speaker 1: to church. And even as a kid, I was confused 142 00:08:58,777 --> 00:09:00,617 Speaker 1: because I was like that, I thought church was where 143 00:09:00,657 --> 00:09:05,017 Speaker 1: you go to get right. But in retrospect, I understand 144 00:09:05,017 --> 00:09:08,057 Speaker 1: now as two single mothers, my mother and my grandmother 145 00:09:08,097 --> 00:09:11,057 Speaker 1: didn't feel welcome at church. You know, I think fear 146 00:09:11,257 --> 00:09:15,137 Speaker 1: judgment I think they felt shame, but they clearly weren't 147 00:09:15,177 --> 00:09:19,817 Speaker 1: rejecting the church's position around these things because they sent me, 148 00:09:19,857 --> 00:09:23,897 Speaker 1: and it was like I could be salvaged, you know, somehow. 149 00:09:24,457 --> 00:09:27,577 Speaker 1: And so I went to church and that's all I'd 150 00:09:27,617 --> 00:09:31,217 Speaker 1: ever known, and I took everything to heart about being 151 00:09:31,217 --> 00:09:34,417 Speaker 1: good and heaven and hell. But I was very terrified 152 00:09:34,417 --> 00:09:36,297 Speaker 1: because I was like, I want to get this right. 153 00:09:36,897 --> 00:09:39,737 Speaker 1: I looked at the women who dressed the part and 154 00:09:40,217 --> 00:09:43,937 Speaker 1: acted the part, and I was like, I'm supposed to 155 00:09:43,977 --> 00:09:47,097 Speaker 1: be them, but I don't know how. And also these 156 00:09:47,097 --> 00:09:50,617 Speaker 1: women who aren't like them, they're having more fun. They're 157 00:09:50,617 --> 00:09:55,337 Speaker 1: going to hell, but they're having more fun. So I 158 00:09:55,417 --> 00:09:59,217 Speaker 1: was confused by church. Yeah. Well, when you read the 159 00:09:59,257 --> 00:10:02,417 Speaker 1: Bible and you're taking in the messaging the teaching, it 160 00:10:02,457 --> 00:10:06,417 Speaker 1: can feel very binary. It's like Yavn's hell black white, 161 00:10:06,697 --> 00:10:09,777 Speaker 1: there's nothing in between. And then you're sitting there listening 162 00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:12,457 Speaker 1: to the pastor on the pulpit and you're like, how 163 00:10:12,497 --> 00:10:15,617 Speaker 1: do I choose, especially when you're young and you're just 164 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,897 Speaker 1: trying to figure it all out? That's right. I have 165 00:10:18,977 --> 00:10:21,737 Speaker 1: this quote that is one of my favorite of yours 166 00:10:21,777 --> 00:10:25,977 Speaker 1: that really just embodies what you're doing with your work. 167 00:10:26,537 --> 00:10:29,417 Speaker 1: It's us here. The stories are the kinds of things 168 00:10:29,417 --> 00:10:33,017 Speaker 1: that black women whisper amongst ourselves. So those are the 169 00:10:33,057 --> 00:10:37,137 Speaker 1: secrets about how we navigate our full humanity, our full sexuality, 170 00:10:37,177 --> 00:10:40,737 Speaker 1: our full sexual lives in the face of the church's teachings. 171 00:10:41,137 --> 00:10:45,337 Speaker 1: What I really appreciated about your book is this idea 172 00:10:45,377 --> 00:10:48,737 Speaker 1: of exploring what it means to heal from those teachings 173 00:10:48,737 --> 00:10:54,337 Speaker 1: and accept yourself right. I think my healing came before 174 00:10:55,377 --> 00:10:59,977 Speaker 1: I was writing these stories. It came because I got 175 00:11:00,017 --> 00:11:03,737 Speaker 1: divorced around the time that my mother and my grandmother died. 176 00:11:03,777 --> 00:11:05,937 Speaker 1: They both died the same year, and it was the 177 00:11:05,977 --> 00:11:10,937 Speaker 1: same year that I separated from my first husband, And 178 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:14,777 Speaker 1: at that point I looked at my life and it was, 179 00:11:15,177 --> 00:11:18,937 Speaker 1: you know, I married a good Christian man. I didn't 180 00:11:19,017 --> 00:11:22,897 Speaker 1: have babies or even get pregnant before I was married. 181 00:11:23,137 --> 00:11:28,177 Speaker 1: I did everything right, and yet I wasn't happy. I 182 00:11:28,217 --> 00:11:31,777 Speaker 1: felt so empty and so lonely and so sad, and 183 00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:34,857 Speaker 1: so those things in my relationship with the church kind 184 00:11:34,857 --> 00:11:38,377 Speaker 1: of got all tangled up together. I think inside I 185 00:11:38,417 --> 00:11:41,577 Speaker 1: had left the church years before I physically left the church, 186 00:11:42,257 --> 00:11:46,537 Speaker 1: and after my mother died, I didn't, you know, consider 187 00:11:46,577 --> 00:11:50,377 Speaker 1: myself a churchgoer anymore, And so some years later was 188 00:11:50,537 --> 00:11:55,297 Speaker 1: working on these stories. They were not as personal in 189 00:11:55,417 --> 00:11:57,697 Speaker 1: terms of the church stuff. There was a lot more 190 00:11:57,777 --> 00:12:01,297 Speaker 1: mother daughter stuff in the collection that was more what 191 00:12:01,377 --> 00:12:05,617 Speaker 1: was happening with me at that moment. You said something 192 00:12:05,657 --> 00:12:08,697 Speaker 1: that just made me think of this idea of more 193 00:12:08,737 --> 00:12:11,937 Speaker 1: more simply existing and not living. You know, when we 194 00:12:12,217 --> 00:12:14,257 Speaker 1: were just like moving through the motions of our lives 195 00:12:14,457 --> 00:12:18,537 Speaker 1: without actually having an appreciation for the joy or experiencing 196 00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:21,577 Speaker 1: the grief. It's like we're in default mode. And sometimes 197 00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:26,457 Speaker 1: it takes these like huge milestones, these huge losses, for 198 00:12:26,577 --> 00:12:29,137 Speaker 1: us to hit the reset button and start living again. 199 00:12:29,497 --> 00:12:31,857 Speaker 1: So it's like the divorce, the loss of your mother, 200 00:12:31,977 --> 00:12:33,897 Speaker 1: the loss of your grandmother, and it's like you have 201 00:12:33,977 --> 00:12:40,417 Speaker 1: to reevaluate everything, everything more. With Disha fili'all after the break, 202 00:12:52,417 --> 00:12:56,097 Speaker 1: I'm Glory Adam, and you're listening to well Read Black Girl. Today. 203 00:12:56,137 --> 00:12:59,457 Speaker 1: I'm joined by Disha Filiall, and we're talking about her 204 00:12:59,497 --> 00:13:03,177 Speaker 1: twenty twenty debut novel, The Secret Lives of Church Ladies, 205 00:13:03,697 --> 00:13:12,497 Speaker 1: and the inspiration behind this collection of beautiful stories. I 206 00:13:12,577 --> 00:13:14,617 Speaker 1: want to turn into the book because I know you 207 00:13:14,737 --> 00:13:17,857 Speaker 1: leaned a lot on your own experience within the church 208 00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:22,337 Speaker 1: and especially the elders around you to create this wonderful 209 00:13:22,377 --> 00:13:26,057 Speaker 1: collection of stories. For example, dear sister, Yeah, that's just 210 00:13:26,177 --> 00:13:29,057 Speaker 1: one of my favorite stories in the book. It says, 211 00:13:29,137 --> 00:13:32,377 Speaker 1: dear Jackie, I've started this letter about five different times 212 00:13:32,457 --> 00:13:35,897 Speaker 1: in five different ways. I finally just told myself, you're 213 00:13:35,937 --> 00:13:37,977 Speaker 1: either going to read it or you're not, and it's 214 00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:39,977 Speaker 1: not going to come down to how I write it. 215 00:13:40,537 --> 00:13:43,657 Speaker 1: And the way you started off this letter, I was like, 216 00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:46,257 Speaker 1: that's me, Like I do that all the time, do 217 00:13:46,417 --> 00:13:49,177 Speaker 1: that all the time. But you're writing throughout the book 218 00:13:49,297 --> 00:13:52,737 Speaker 1: is again so sharp. How did you just perfect making 219 00:13:52,777 --> 00:13:56,457 Speaker 1: it authentic and really true to the characters. I think 220 00:13:56,457 --> 00:14:00,297 Speaker 1: a lot of it is just from listening, especially you 221 00:14:00,337 --> 00:14:03,457 Speaker 1: mentioned the elders. And I grew up in a household 222 00:14:03,497 --> 00:14:05,257 Speaker 1: with my grandmother. You know, my grandmother and my mother 223 00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:08,457 Speaker 1: raised me. And you know that generation like you, you 224 00:14:08,497 --> 00:14:11,577 Speaker 1: don't speak, you know, you don't get grown folks business. 225 00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:14,377 Speaker 1: And so I learned that if I was just quiet, 226 00:14:14,577 --> 00:14:18,217 Speaker 1: I could stay and I could hear things that maybe 227 00:14:18,337 --> 00:14:21,497 Speaker 1: I wasn't supposed to hear, things that really kind of 228 00:14:21,537 --> 00:14:26,137 Speaker 1: stuck with me, and I think that black women's voices, 229 00:14:26,217 --> 00:14:29,017 Speaker 1: especially black women of a certain age, it's like music, 230 00:14:29,657 --> 00:14:32,817 Speaker 1: you know, there's just the way that we say things 231 00:14:33,017 --> 00:14:35,857 Speaker 1: that's just singular. So some of it has just been 232 00:14:35,897 --> 00:14:39,617 Speaker 1: all of those years of listening, and when it came 233 00:14:39,657 --> 00:14:43,417 Speaker 1: time to write the book, I was going back in 234 00:14:43,577 --> 00:14:47,777 Speaker 1: time and really being in the room with these characters, 235 00:14:47,817 --> 00:14:51,617 Speaker 1: and sometimes I would speak the dialogue, whether it was 236 00:14:51,777 --> 00:14:54,777 Speaker 1: actual dialogue or their interior monologues, you know, speaking out 237 00:14:54,817 --> 00:14:58,977 Speaker 1: loud and just hearing how would she say that, you know, 238 00:14:59,177 --> 00:15:02,857 Speaker 1: or what might that actually be like? And some of 239 00:15:02,857 --> 00:15:05,937 Speaker 1: these experiences or experiences that lots of us have had, 240 00:15:06,377 --> 00:15:10,417 Speaker 1: and you know, just trying to inhabit the characters in 241 00:15:10,497 --> 00:15:13,937 Speaker 1: the a moment or if I'm stuck, I'll ask my 242 00:15:14,017 --> 00:15:18,217 Speaker 1: characters questions. And a lot of times in interviewing the characters, 243 00:15:18,297 --> 00:15:20,657 Speaker 1: you know, eighty percent of what I find out may 244 00:15:20,697 --> 00:15:22,737 Speaker 1: not show up in the story, but I know them 245 00:15:22,857 --> 00:15:26,057 Speaker 1: better and so that helps me with sort of the 246 00:15:26,137 --> 00:15:28,857 Speaker 1: details and specificity of how they might do or say 247 00:15:29,057 --> 00:15:31,417 Speaker 1: a certain thing. You know. I try to go for 248 00:15:31,457 --> 00:15:35,337 Speaker 1: those details that are very specific and very tender because 249 00:15:35,377 --> 00:15:41,657 Speaker 1: it makes it real. I'm very visual so I visualize 250 00:15:41,977 --> 00:15:45,657 Speaker 1: the scenes, and even if it's just my character cooking something, 251 00:15:46,217 --> 00:15:50,417 Speaker 1: I'm watching her hands and then what is she thinking about? 252 00:15:50,457 --> 00:15:52,377 Speaker 1: You know? What am I thinking about? When I'm standing 253 00:15:52,377 --> 00:15:55,057 Speaker 1: over the stove. I get intimate with the characters, and 254 00:15:55,177 --> 00:15:57,457 Speaker 1: that helps you as a reader to get intimate with 255 00:15:57,497 --> 00:16:01,017 Speaker 1: them on the page. I'm so impressed with your tenacity. 256 00:16:01,737 --> 00:16:04,097 Speaker 1: You've been writing over like twenty years, right over, yeah, 257 00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:08,657 Speaker 1: over twenty years, and it feels, or it appears to 258 00:16:08,697 --> 00:16:13,417 Speaker 1: me that you just have a great sense of self discipline, impatience, 259 00:16:13,857 --> 00:16:17,177 Speaker 1: patience with you know, actually writing these stories and putting 260 00:16:17,217 --> 00:16:19,817 Speaker 1: them together in a way that you feel fit, but 261 00:16:20,017 --> 00:16:23,937 Speaker 1: also patience with yourself and your surroundings. Can you talk 262 00:16:23,977 --> 00:16:27,137 Speaker 1: about your writing journey and your relationship with patience as 263 00:16:27,177 --> 00:16:29,817 Speaker 1: a writer. I don't know that I think of it 264 00:16:29,857 --> 00:16:35,537 Speaker 1: as patience. I consider myself a pretty impatient person. But 265 00:16:36,097 --> 00:16:39,417 Speaker 1: what happens that I think a lot of women can 266 00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:42,497 Speaker 1: relate to if they are mothers, is there's a surrender 267 00:16:42,657 --> 00:16:49,177 Speaker 1: that kind of happens, because see patience sounds voluntarily. Surrender 268 00:16:49,377 --> 00:16:52,497 Speaker 1: is like I gave up. You know, these are the 269 00:16:52,577 --> 00:16:55,417 Speaker 1: cards that I have been dealt. This is the time 270 00:16:56,017 --> 00:16:59,617 Speaker 1: that I have to write. These are the realities of 271 00:16:59,697 --> 00:17:04,857 Speaker 1: trying to raise children, trying to be married, you know, 272 00:17:04,977 --> 00:17:09,577 Speaker 1: trying to balance all of those things. And the legacy 273 00:17:09,697 --> 00:17:12,137 Speaker 1: that I think too many of us as black women, 274 00:17:12,177 --> 00:17:16,257 Speaker 1: have inherited is one of servitude and long suffering. And 275 00:17:16,337 --> 00:17:20,417 Speaker 1: so the journey has been what it's been because I 276 00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:22,817 Speaker 1: wasn't able to do the one thing that I really 277 00:17:22,857 --> 00:17:25,857 Speaker 1: wanted to do, which was the right fiction. When I 278 00:17:25,897 --> 00:17:28,657 Speaker 1: got divorced, I needed to make a living, and so 279 00:17:28,857 --> 00:17:31,497 Speaker 1: I started doing what a lot of us do as writers, 280 00:17:31,537 --> 00:17:35,617 Speaker 1: this patchwork quilt of income, and so it became less 281 00:17:35,657 --> 00:17:38,737 Speaker 1: about these stories I wanted to tell and more about 282 00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:40,937 Speaker 1: what do I need to do to make money? You know, 283 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:43,417 Speaker 1: I need to build a profile. I need to build 284 00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:46,177 Speaker 1: you know the word they use now, platform and all 285 00:17:46,217 --> 00:17:49,777 Speaker 1: of those things. And it was very slow going. I 286 00:17:49,817 --> 00:17:53,537 Speaker 1: think about so many writers that when they're able to 287 00:17:53,577 --> 00:17:56,777 Speaker 1: do it, it's because somebody else is paying the bills. Right. 288 00:17:56,857 --> 00:17:59,817 Speaker 1: It is so hard to do the kind of writing 289 00:18:00,097 --> 00:18:01,937 Speaker 1: that you want to do that you can be proud 290 00:18:01,977 --> 00:18:04,377 Speaker 1: of and make a living. So we have to do 291 00:18:04,457 --> 00:18:10,137 Speaker 1: other things, you know. So I've freelanced. I have written marketing, 292 00:18:10,137 --> 00:18:13,257 Speaker 1: brochure for people. I've done project manage, I've just done 293 00:18:13,257 --> 00:18:17,777 Speaker 1: all kinds of things while raising my kids, and would 294 00:18:17,777 --> 00:18:20,497 Speaker 1: always try to have some time for the fiction, you know, 295 00:18:20,617 --> 00:18:23,977 Speaker 1: try to squeeze it in. It took me a really 296 00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:28,017 Speaker 1: long time, but the desire was always there. The confidence 297 00:18:28,137 --> 00:18:31,897 Speaker 1: was there. Confidence came from my mother and my grandmother 298 00:18:31,937 --> 00:18:37,177 Speaker 1: passing away too soon. My mother was fifty two, and 299 00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:41,417 Speaker 1: neither of them had done the things that they wanted 300 00:18:41,457 --> 00:18:43,897 Speaker 1: to do. I don't even know what they wanted to do. 301 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:47,497 Speaker 1: When my mother would talk about her life, she would 302 00:18:47,497 --> 00:18:52,817 Speaker 1: say that I was her greatest accomplishment. And I appreciate 303 00:18:52,937 --> 00:18:55,497 Speaker 1: how my mother loved me and sacrifice for me, but 304 00:18:56,257 --> 00:18:58,537 Speaker 1: I wish she had had her own goals and her 305 00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:01,657 Speaker 1: own dreams and passions and had had the opportunity to 306 00:19:01,737 --> 00:19:05,177 Speaker 1: pursue them. And so that's why you know, I've been 307 00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:08,217 Speaker 1: dogged because I'm like, she didn't get that chance. My 308 00:19:08,257 --> 00:19:10,377 Speaker 1: grandmother didn't get that chance. I have this chance. It 309 00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:12,857 Speaker 1: might take me longer, but I'm going to do it 310 00:19:13,257 --> 00:19:16,497 Speaker 1: and I'm not gonna play small. I don't have that luxury. 311 00:19:17,217 --> 00:19:20,377 Speaker 1: I appreciate that last tidbit because we all need these 312 00:19:20,457 --> 00:19:24,137 Speaker 1: different ways to support ourselves, to support our children, to 313 00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:27,257 Speaker 1: like actually move towards our dreams. And we can't be 314 00:19:27,777 --> 00:19:29,977 Speaker 1: as you said, we can't play small, like we have 315 00:19:30,057 --> 00:19:33,257 Speaker 1: to surrender to the reality of our lives, but move 316 00:19:33,337 --> 00:19:37,057 Speaker 1: towards the goal with precision and just like a passion. 317 00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:40,337 Speaker 1: I've had some complicated things happened in my past, and 318 00:19:40,377 --> 00:19:43,057 Speaker 1: I definitely have that like how did you do it? 319 00:19:43,177 --> 00:19:45,577 Speaker 1: And I agree with you. It's like, I don't know 320 00:19:45,577 --> 00:19:47,817 Speaker 1: if you have a choice, so we don't have time 321 00:19:47,817 --> 00:19:51,297 Speaker 1: to waste, right, It's like you have to respond when 322 00:19:51,337 --> 00:19:54,737 Speaker 1: you've lost or when you've had difficult things you you know, 323 00:19:54,817 --> 00:19:58,457 Speaker 1: it changes you. It changes your perspective, it changes your 324 00:19:58,497 --> 00:20:02,097 Speaker 1: sense of urgency. So I'm not saying that I don't 325 00:20:02,137 --> 00:20:06,697 Speaker 1: have worries or concerns, but at a certain point we 326 00:20:06,777 --> 00:20:11,017 Speaker 1: have to put things into perspective. And as black women, 327 00:20:11,137 --> 00:20:14,977 Speaker 1: we're doing it against the tide of a culture that 328 00:20:15,137 --> 00:20:19,097 Speaker 1: wants nothing more than for us to not prioritize ourselves, 329 00:20:19,457 --> 00:20:22,617 Speaker 1: to continue worrying about things that in the larger scheme 330 00:20:22,657 --> 00:20:26,457 Speaker 1: of things don't really matter, but that are a nice distraction. 331 00:20:27,097 --> 00:20:29,817 Speaker 1: But I think we just have to be daring like 332 00:20:29,857 --> 00:20:32,417 Speaker 1: that and create our own things. I mean, you know 333 00:20:32,457 --> 00:20:36,537 Speaker 1: you created well read black girl. You centered us, and 334 00:20:36,617 --> 00:20:39,817 Speaker 1: what does that say to other black women? I can 335 00:20:39,857 --> 00:20:49,377 Speaker 1: center myself in the things that I'm passionate about too. 336 00:20:43,697 --> 00:21:00,937 Speaker 1: When it's time for rapid by, uh okay, already I'm ready. 337 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:05,297 Speaker 1: So literally the first thing that comes to your mind. Okay, 338 00:21:05,737 --> 00:21:10,777 Speaker 1: name three items on your desk. David Dennis's book The 339 00:21:10,817 --> 00:21:16,817 Speaker 1: Movement made Us some vitamin d oil and lighter to 340 00:21:16,897 --> 00:21:21,737 Speaker 1: light a candle. Your life's theme song, Oh goodness? You know, 341 00:21:21,897 --> 00:21:26,057 Speaker 1: maybe Ooh Child by the Five Stairsteps, because as a kid, 342 00:21:26,057 --> 00:21:28,457 Speaker 1: as a little kid, I love that song and it 343 00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:30,697 Speaker 1: was saying that you know, things are gonna get easier, 344 00:21:30,737 --> 00:21:32,857 Speaker 1: things are gonna get brighter, and it's just a really 345 00:21:33,537 --> 00:21:38,377 Speaker 1: optimistic song. That is a good song. Oh favorite church 346 00:21:38,417 --> 00:21:45,057 Speaker 1: snacks Runner Scotch Okay, most memorable church lady, Oh my gosh, 347 00:21:45,177 --> 00:21:49,697 Speaker 1: she was my first husband's maternal grandmother, Odessa May Thomas. 348 00:21:50,337 --> 00:21:54,737 Speaker 1: Favorite book of all time and why of all time? 349 00:21:54,977 --> 00:22:01,097 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, Daddy was a number runner Louise Merriweather Classic. 350 00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:04,137 Speaker 1: Read that book to the covers and pages fell out. 351 00:22:04,217 --> 00:22:07,497 Speaker 1: I have owned several copies. Okay, this is the last one, 352 00:22:07,657 --> 00:22:12,257 Speaker 1: and it's a film. One which movie the Fighting Temptations 353 00:22:12,697 --> 00:22:16,257 Speaker 1: or Kingdom Come, Kingdom Come, that's the one with LLL right, 354 00:22:17,537 --> 00:22:20,137 Speaker 1: because even though he has disappointed me later in life, 355 00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:25,857 Speaker 1: not the disappointment. Listen, the summer I was fifteen, I 356 00:22:26,017 --> 00:22:30,777 Speaker 1: played I Need Love over and over again in my 357 00:22:30,937 --> 00:22:34,137 Speaker 1: room because I knew he was singing to me. So 358 00:22:34,297 --> 00:22:39,857 Speaker 1: I will always love cool James. Oh, I love that. 359 00:22:41,857 --> 00:22:44,777 Speaker 1: Thank you for this conversation, but also just thank you 360 00:22:44,897 --> 00:22:49,577 Speaker 1: for all you do for us. Thank you. That means 361 00:22:49,617 --> 00:22:52,217 Speaker 1: a lot, Like always so wonderful to come out and 362 00:22:52,257 --> 00:22:55,497 Speaker 1: like actually talk to folks and be in like you know, 363 00:22:55,617 --> 00:22:58,737 Speaker 1: communion and community. It just feels really good. Now. I 364 00:22:58,817 --> 00:23:01,857 Speaker 1: love doing this because I can actually like see people again. 365 00:23:02,017 --> 00:23:05,257 Speaker 1: You know. The pandemic has changed so much and it's 366 00:23:05,297 --> 00:23:08,177 Speaker 1: made me feel distance. Oh we are going through it. 367 00:23:08,497 --> 00:23:12,097 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we are still going through it, and we're 368 00:23:12,137 --> 00:23:16,537 Speaker 1: still showing up for each other and making art and 369 00:23:17,017 --> 00:23:19,697 Speaker 1: celebrating art. It's because these are the things that we 370 00:23:19,697 --> 00:23:22,177 Speaker 1: can still do safely. You know. We can read, we 371 00:23:22,217 --> 00:23:24,457 Speaker 1: can write, we can talk to each other right right. 372 00:23:24,697 --> 00:23:26,897 Speaker 1: We can't hold each other right now, but we can 373 00:23:26,937 --> 00:23:28,457 Speaker 1: hold each other in our hearts, you know what I mean, 374 00:23:28,537 --> 00:23:31,537 Speaker 1: and life just appreciate our work together and still celebrate 375 00:23:31,817 --> 00:23:38,057 Speaker 1: each other. So I'm grateful for that. As Black women, 376 00:23:38,137 --> 00:23:41,057 Speaker 1: we really do not have time to play small, to 377 00:23:41,217 --> 00:23:44,657 Speaker 1: dim our light, to not go after the things we 378 00:23:44,697 --> 00:23:49,137 Speaker 1: want in life. Disha Philliall's own hardships were a reminder 379 00:23:49,217 --> 00:23:52,257 Speaker 1: for her to move forward and go after her dream 380 00:23:52,337 --> 00:23:56,457 Speaker 1: of writing fiction and now Disha's work helps us look 381 00:23:56,497 --> 00:24:00,097 Speaker 1: at the walking contradictions in our own lives and even 382 00:24:00,177 --> 00:24:03,657 Speaker 1: teaches us how to learn from our mothers and grandmothers 383 00:24:04,097 --> 00:24:08,497 Speaker 1: to be better versions of ourselves. Her work reminds me 384 00:24:08,617 --> 00:24:12,617 Speaker 1: of the prolific writer Margaret Walker, where in her nineteen 385 00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:18,337 Speaker 1: eighty nine poem Lineage, she calls upon her grandmother's My 386 00:24:18,497 --> 00:24:23,457 Speaker 1: grandmothers are full of memories, smelling of soap and onions 387 00:24:23,497 --> 00:24:28,217 Speaker 1: and wet clay, with veins rolling roughly over quick hands. 388 00:24:28,777 --> 00:24:33,377 Speaker 1: They have many clean words to say. My grandmother's were strong, 389 00:24:34,137 --> 00:24:40,577 Speaker 1: Why am I not? As they be sure to read 390 00:24:40,657 --> 00:24:44,697 Speaker 1: Disha Filiol's The Secret Lies of Church Ladies out now. 391 00:24:46,617 --> 00:24:49,097 Speaker 1: We're off next week, so look out for our next 392 00:24:49,137 --> 00:24:52,577 Speaker 1: episode on Tuesday, March twenty second. I will be speaking 393 00:24:52,577 --> 00:24:55,697 Speaker 1: with britt Bennett about her latest book, The Vanishing Half. 394 00:25:04,577 --> 00:25:08,137 Speaker 1: Well Read black Girl is a production of Pushkin Industries. 395 00:25:08,537 --> 00:25:11,977 Speaker 1: It is written and hosted by me Glory Edam and 396 00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:17,337 Speaker 1: produced by cher Vincent and Brittany Brown. Our associate editor 397 00:25:17,537 --> 00:25:21,617 Speaker 1: is Keishall Williams. Our engineer is Amanda ka Wayang, and 398 00:25:21,697 --> 00:25:27,417 Speaker 1: our showrunner is Sasha Matthias. Our executive producers are Miya 399 00:25:27,577 --> 00:25:32,377 Speaker 1: Lobell and Leetal Molad. At Pushkin thanks to Heather Fane, 400 00:25:32,617 --> 00:25:39,777 Speaker 1: Harley Migliori, Jason Gambrel, Julia Barton, Jen Goerra, John Schnars, 401 00:25:40,417 --> 00:25:43,817 Speaker 1: and Jacob Wiseberg. You can find me on Twitter and 402 00:25:43,937 --> 00:25:47,057 Speaker 1: Instagram at Well Read black Girl. You can find pushkin 403 00:25:47,137 --> 00:25:50,537 Speaker 1: and all social media platforms at pushkin Pods, and you 404 00:25:50,577 --> 00:25:54,297 Speaker 1: can sign up for our newsletter at pushkin dot Fm. 405 00:25:54,337 --> 00:25:57,297 Speaker 1: If you love this show and others from Pushkin Industry, 406 00:25:57,617 --> 00:26:01,817 Speaker 1: consider subscribing to Pushkin Plus. Pushkin Plus is a podcast 407 00:26:01,857 --> 00:26:06,057 Speaker 1: subscription that offers bonus content and uninterrupted listening for four 408 00:26:06,257 --> 00:26:09,697 Speaker 1: ninety nine a month. Look for Pushkin Plus on Apple 409 00:26:09,737 --> 00:26:13,937 Speaker 1: podcast subscripts, and if you're already a subscriber, make sure 410 00:26:13,977 --> 00:26:17,497 Speaker 1: to check out my exclusive bookmark series on Pushkin Plus 411 00:26:17,497 --> 00:26:21,537 Speaker 1: starting on February eighteenth, you'll hear extended interviews with book 412 00:26:21,537 --> 00:26:25,737 Speaker 1: club members, bookstore owners, and more. And do you get 413 00:26:25,777 --> 00:26:28,497 Speaker 1: to hear what's on my mind, what's on my radar, 414 00:26:29,017 --> 00:26:31,897 Speaker 1: and of course, what's on my reading list? Each week. 415 00:26:32,777 --> 00:26:37,857 Speaker 1: To find more Pushkin podcasts, listen on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 416 00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:39,817 Speaker 1: or wherever you like to listen