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Speaker 1: Hell, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, Wherever you are in

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Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here

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Speaker 1: back for another episode as we, of course break down

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Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. First and foremost, I want

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Speaker 1: to thank you all so much for the overwhelming love

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Speaker 1: and support you have had for my book, Person in Progress.

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Speaker 1: As I am recording this, the book has been out

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Speaker 1: for just under a week, and the messages and dms

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Speaker 1: I've received, the pictures from people who have found it

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Speaker 1: in Germany, in Singapore, in New York, in Romania, has

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Speaker 1: truly made every single moment since so unbelievably special. You know,

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Speaker 1: you put a lot of love into a book, and

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Speaker 1: this being my first one, I have to admit I

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Speaker 1: wasn't really sure how it was going to turn out,

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Speaker 1: you know, I will happily admit that I was very,

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Speaker 1: very afraid, and the day it came out was actually

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Speaker 1: very anticlimactic but also quite stressful. So hearing from you

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Speaker 1: all now that it's out in the world, seeing you

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Speaker 1: guys with your copies, it really has been the best

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Speaker 1: part of this and it's made it also just so

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Speaker 1: worth it. It's made it like a thing of dreams. Really,

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Speaker 1: it's just it's unbelievable. If you still haven't gotten a copy,

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Speaker 1: it is available wherever you get your books on audible, kindle,

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Speaker 1: in hard copy from a bookstore. It is the easiest

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Speaker 1: and most direct way to support me in the podcast.

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Speaker 1: So I appreciate every single one of you who has

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Speaker 1: bought it, reviewed it, spoken about it with friends, colleagues, family.

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Speaker 1: It truly does all add up now to the episode.

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Speaker 1: I know we were just speaking about something, you know,

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Speaker 1: remarkably happy and positive, but this episode is tackling some

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Speaker 1: that's somewhat adjacent maybe, but also a bit different. It's

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Speaker 1: something a lot of us struggle with silently, and that

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Speaker 1: is an inability to be happy with what we have,

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Speaker 1: that sense that something is always missing, the itch that

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Speaker 1: won't go away. You know, you get the job and

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Speaker 1: then you want a promotion, You move into a new house,

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Speaker 1: and then suddenly you're looking for something even better or

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Speaker 1: thinking about what's not right with it. You get into

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Speaker 1: a relationship, and yet there's still that lingering thought, is

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Speaker 1: there something better out there for me? Is this it?

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Speaker 1: If you are haunted by this type of thinking, you've

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Speaker 1: probably found that it applies to nearly everything in your life.

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Speaker 1: So many of us live in this in between space

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Speaker 1: right there, space between where we are and where we

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Speaker 1: think we should be, and that gap it often feels

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Speaker 1: like failure. Even if we've achieved so much, we end

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Speaker 1: up living by this more more and more mentality I've

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Speaker 1: spoken about before. You know, once we have what we want,

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Speaker 1: all we can think about is what we don't, meaning

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Speaker 1: the bar is always being raised, we always want more.

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Speaker 1: We never appreciate how far we've come, so we repeatedly

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Speaker 1: undervalue our progress, and our happiness is the price we pay.

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Speaker 1: I think this is also particularly conbounded by the upheaval

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Speaker 1: of being in our twenties, where it feels like we're

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Speaker 1: in competition with everyone around us. What do they have

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Speaker 1: that I don't? Why do they seem so much happier?

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Speaker 1: Why does their life seem more together? How can I

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Speaker 1: have that? How can I be like them? How can

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Speaker 1: I feel more secure? The answer is we will never

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Speaker 1: feel secure if we don't first understand what is driving

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Speaker 1: this constant sense of dissatisfaction. And you know what the solution.

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Speaker 1: It's more than just gratitude. It's something that goes a

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Speaker 1: whole lot deeper. It's probably going to surprise a few

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Speaker 1: of you actually, so my friends, I am excited to

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Speaker 1: explore this psychology with you. Some of you may also

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Speaker 1: know I have a podcast called Mantra, and we did

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Speaker 1: a more philosophical take on this episode over there. If

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Speaker 1: you finish this and you want more. Mantra is like

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Speaker 1: the psychology of your twenties, soulful sister, part meditation, part inspirational.

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Speaker 1: Each week we give you a new mantra to focus

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Speaker 1: your attention on for the week ahead. Like some of

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Speaker 1: the recent ones we've done are, I release the need

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Speaker 1: to do it all. I trust myself to make the

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Speaker 1: best decision with what I know now so many more.

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Speaker 1: It's just like the most fabulous way to start your week,

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Speaker 1: So don't forget to check it out after that. But

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Speaker 1: without further ado, let's talk about why we never seem

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Speaker 1: to be happy with what we have. I want to

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Speaker 1: explain the feeling of never being happy with what we

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Speaker 1: have first here because I really want to wat toiculate

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Speaker 1: how this feels in your body, in your thoughts, how

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Speaker 1: it looks in your day to day life, Because if

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Speaker 1: you haven't already suspected. This feeling sounds a lot like,

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Speaker 1: you know, good old fashioned depression, but it is different.

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Speaker 1: This contentment, happiness, treadmill as I call it, this constant

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Speaker 1: pursuit of more. It's not a clinical label. You're not

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Speaker 1: being happy with what you have is not really something

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Speaker 1: that you can be diagnosed with in the way that

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Speaker 1: you could be diagnosed with a mental health disorder, but

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Speaker 1: it may be a symptom of something larger. So to

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Speaker 1: be diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, you do have

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Speaker 1: to meet a number of specific criteria or exhibit a

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Speaker 1: number of symptoms. A lack of satisfaction with what we

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Speaker 1: have is probably going to contribute to a number of these,

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Speaker 1: but it's not a symptom on its own. Depression, you know,

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Speaker 1: it can make even the most remarkable moments bland because

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Speaker 1: of a deeper number of reactions and interactions going on

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Speaker 1: below the surface. So an inability to be happy with

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Speaker 1: what you have may be symptomatic of that. But you

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Speaker 1: can also struggle with this and constantly crave more success,

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Speaker 1: more accolades, more friends, more of whatever it is, whilst

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Speaker 1: not being depressed, whilst still feeling generally kind of happy,

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Speaker 1: still being able to concentrate, not suffering from insomnia, fatigue,

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Speaker 1: these kinds of things. The problem really occurs when this

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Speaker 1: spirals and the dissatisfaction is all you seem to be

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Speaker 1: able to focus on all day, every day. The losses,

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Speaker 1: the failures, they become the fixation for you. So there

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Speaker 1: is this theory called the fifty to fifty principle, which

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Speaker 1: essentially suggests that for every emotion or positive experience we have,

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Speaker 1: there will be an equal experience or emotion that will

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Speaker 1: be negative. So you get a promotion, your car gets towed,

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Speaker 1: you get a free coffee, you stub your toe, you

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Speaker 1: go on a great first date, you forget about your

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Speaker 1: really expensive electricity bill, quickly reflect on your last week.

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Speaker 1: For me, here, I feel like that balance is pretty accurate.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes you have months that are more negative. Sometimes it

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Speaker 1: makes up for it and you have months that are

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Speaker 1: more positive. But it always comes back to the fifty

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Speaker 1: to fifty. When we are struggling with being happy with

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Speaker 1: what we have, this theory would essentially suggest that it's

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Speaker 1: not because nothing good or amazing is happening, but that

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Speaker 1: we're focusing too much on the negative experience that are

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Speaker 1: always going to occur. Or we forget to appreciate what

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Speaker 1: is good, and therefore we start seeing things that are

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Speaker 1: actually positive as a letdown, because perhaps our expectations for

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Speaker 1: the fifty percent that is good in our life is

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Speaker 1: just too high. So, returning to what I was saying before,

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Speaker 1: what does this headspace of never being happy with what

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Speaker 1: we have looked like? Well, Firstly, often what it's going

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Speaker 1: to manifest as is obsessive future planning and a real

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Speaker 1: difficulty staying present. This is also known as when then thinking.

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Speaker 1: So when I get this, then I'll be happy. When

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Speaker 1: I get the job, when I get the partner, when

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Speaker 1: I get the shiny new object. This has another name.

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Speaker 1: It's called the arrival fallacy. When I arrive at this

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Speaker 1: arbitrary point, I will be static. My life will make sense.

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Speaker 1: That point, of course, though, always keeps moving. You know

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Speaker 1: how many of us are constantly waiting for something, and

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Speaker 1: waiting so intently we kind of forget that the chapter

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Speaker 1: we're in now is just as sweet, it's just as important.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes you really have to question, like, what is enough

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Speaker 1: for me? What is this secret, you know, secret doorway

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Speaker 1: that I will one day walk through through that will

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Speaker 1: make me finally happy objectively, when we are experiencing a

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Speaker 1: severe lack of basic needs, getting certain things like job security,

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Speaker 1: more income, stable shelter, you know that's certainly going to

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Speaker 1: increase our happiness levels. The happiness jump between having very

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Speaker 1: little to having enough to sustain you and then having

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Speaker 1: enough to be comfortable, those jumps are very very large.

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Speaker 1: But once you are comfortable from there, we really don't

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Speaker 1: realize how minor and incremental the change to our happiness

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Speaker 1: level will be. But we place so much pressure on

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Speaker 1: what are actually really small changes to transform our lives

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Speaker 1: when we already have you know, actually so much. You

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Speaker 1: may also find that you know, when you do achieve

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Speaker 1: the big things that you previously told yourself would be

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Speaker 1: enough for you, you still feel quite empty. I think

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Speaker 1: this is actually the biggest indicator of them all. You say,

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Speaker 1: you know, when I graduate from university, then my life

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Speaker 1: is going to start. And then you walk across the stage.

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Speaker 1: Nothing really changes. You finally get into the relationship, but

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Speaker 1: you find that you know, even the most perfect person

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Speaker 1: isn't going to eliminate all other struggles in your life.

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Speaker 1: Another indicator that you're not happy with what you have

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Speaker 1: envy or jealousy towards the people you perceive have it all,

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Speaker 1: and with that probably also some frustration and self hatred.

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Speaker 1: You know, that heavy feeling in your body, that battle

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Speaker 1: between you know, feeling envious of someone else and then

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Speaker 1: trying to rein it in and control your ego, and

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Speaker 1: then feeling envious and being like, why am I thinking

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Speaker 1: this way? I'm so such a bad person. But you

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Speaker 1: can't stop it. Then you feel guilty. It's just a

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Speaker 1: constant spiral, persistent restlessness. Now, this can manifest in a

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Speaker 1: lot of things. Freak went, job or relationship hopping, even

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Speaker 1: constantly moving cities, countries, anything to find the place, the person,

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Speaker 1: the thing that could finally, you know, change everything for you.

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Speaker 1: This is a common thing we see in our twenties. Right. Honestly,

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Speaker 1: I'm guilty of it. I moved to Sydney after a

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Speaker 1: breakup because I thought it would change my life, and

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Speaker 1: trust me, it did not have that immediate effect. In fact,

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Speaker 1: it probably made it harder in the first year, the

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Speaker 1: geographic cure. Once I moved to this place, I'll be

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Speaker 1: happy if I just pick up everything and move cities.

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Speaker 1: My whole life will change and I'll forget about all

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Speaker 1: these issues. The geographic cure is a myth. To offer

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Speaker 1: you some evidence of this. In one study in twenty twelve,

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Speaker 1: the researcher David Kahnman asked a group of individuals living

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Speaker 1: in one part of the US, specifically the Midwest, do

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Speaker 1: you think people living in southern California are happier? The

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Speaker 1: majority of them were like, yeah, of course they are.

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Speaker 1: It's beautiful that sonny, who wouldn't be happier there? He

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Speaker 1: then asked, do you think you'd be happier if you

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Speaker 1: moved there? A majority of them said yes they would.

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Speaker 1: But when he actually compared life satisfaction scores between the

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Speaker 1: two cities, he found that they were nearly identical. So

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Speaker 1: all these individuals in the Midwest, and you could replace

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Speaker 1: the Midwest with really any country, any city. There's always

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Speaker 1: going to be this beautiful, romanticized city that we think

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Speaker 1: when we moved to it will change our lives and

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Speaker 1: everyone there as happy and thriving. But what he found

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Speaker 1: was that actually it doesn't really change much. It's nearly identical.

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Speaker 1: Location isn't the thing that is going to change your life.

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Speaker 1: It's the perception of your life or the perception of

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Speaker 1: the place that does that. Another study from twenty sixteen,

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Speaker 1: this time in the UK, found something very similar, but

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Speaker 1: it also found that moving cities actually makes you more stressed,

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Speaker 1: more detached, more lonely. So a warning to anyone in

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Speaker 1: their twenties right now, I'm talking to you. If you

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Speaker 1: think a sudden move is going to finally make you happier,

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Speaker 1: the story is a lot more complex. A fe you

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Speaker 1: other science here that you're struggling to find happiness with

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Speaker 1: what you have, no matter how much you receive or achieve.

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Speaker 1: You can tastriphize small setbacks. You can be quite impulsive,

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Speaker 1: especially with money. You over consume lifestyle content that is

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Speaker 1: idealistic and romanticized. You may spend more time online shopping

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Speaker 1: or scrolling dating apps, and your mood is seemingly linked

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Speaker 1: to your external accomplishments and what you have, rather than

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Speaker 1: your internal sense of satisfaction. So if this sounds like you,

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Speaker 1: I want to explain why this may be happening, because

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Speaker 1: it can be seriously confronting, especially when we to perhaps realize, wait,

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Speaker 1: you know, what would I need to finally be content?

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Speaker 1: And if I don't get that, will I ever be happy?

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Speaker 1: Is there a final destination? A final spot I wish

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Speaker 1: to be does that even exist? So essentially, when we

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Speaker 1: have this more and more more mindset, when we can't

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Speaker 1: be happy with what we have, what is occurring is

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Speaker 1: something called hedonic adaptation. It's also called the hedonism treadmill.

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Speaker 1: So this was first given given a name in the

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Speaker 1: nineteen seventies by two Canadian researchers Brickman and Campbell. And

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Speaker 1: what they found is that humans, no matter what's happening

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Speaker 1: in their life, you know, they could win a Grammy,

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Speaker 1: they could marry the love of their life. They could

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Speaker 1: also lose the love of their life, could lose everything,

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Speaker 1: we will still typically return to a fairly stable baseline

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Speaker 1: level of happiness that seems to be largely predetermined regardless

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Speaker 1: of what is happening around us. Now, this is specifically

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Speaker 1: the case, or especially the case, I should say, with

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Speaker 1: really happy positive events. You know, you land your dream job,

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Speaker 1: but that the ecstasy of that doesn't last that long.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's not long until you start to notice

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Speaker 1: the downsides, or you get into a relationship and it's

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Speaker 1: amazing and thrilling until the novelty wears off, and then

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Speaker 1: you kind of return back to that stable level This

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Speaker 1: is basically our brain's way of maintaining emotional balance, but

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Speaker 1: it also means that we rarely feel happy and satisfied

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Speaker 1: for long. The big things we think will change our life,

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Speaker 1: they actually don't end up changing that much in the

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Speaker 1: long term, but because we expect that they will, we

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Speaker 1: also equally feel even more let down. The psychologist Sonya Lubemeski,

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Speaker 1: she wrote the book The Myth of Happiness, She added

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Speaker 1: onto this research, and she discovered that only around ten

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Speaker 1: percent of our happiness comes from external circumstances, only ten percent,

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Speaker 1: around forty percent comes from attitude and your intentional mindset.

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Speaker 1: Fifty percent is actually genetically determined. Yet that ten percent,

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Speaker 1: that is where we put most of our focus on.

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Speaker 1: We think, if I just had this one more thing,

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Speaker 1: I'd finally feel whole. If I just achieved this, I'd

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Speaker 1: finally be happy. Once we get to it, we recalibrate

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Speaker 1: the happiness we expect it doesn't last. That's hedonic adaptation

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Speaker 1: at work. We're always resetting the bar. Basically, what I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to say through this is it's not you, it's

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Speaker 1: your human blueprint. Trying to kind of almost humble us.

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Speaker 1: It seems our brain chemistry also plays a major role.

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Speaker 1: Of course, if we're going to talk about happiness, at

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Speaker 1: some stage, we're going to talk about dopamine. Dopamine, it's

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Speaker 1: not just the happiness chemical, it's the neurotransmitter associated with motivation, reward,

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Speaker 1: and pleasure. But here's the thing that most of us

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Speaker 1: don't know about dopamine. And I don't think I even

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Speaker 1: ended up learning about this until I was in my

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Speaker 1: third year of studying psychology. Your dopamine doesn't spike when

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Speaker 1: you get the reward, but in anticipation of it. I

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Speaker 1: was always told, you know, when you eat a chocolate bar,

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Speaker 1: it makes you happy. When you do this, it makes

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Speaker 1: you happy. It's the anticipation of it that makes you

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Speaker 1: feel happy and the relief of finally getting it. So

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Speaker 1: when you're fantasizing about the next big thing, your brain

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Speaker 1: floods with dopamine. You feel excited, you feel hopeful, you

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Speaker 1: feel a life. You know, think about the excitement before

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Speaker 1: a first date or a big overseas trip. But once

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Speaker 1: you actually get it, the dopamine drop off from that

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Speaker 1: leaves you feeling flat, even disappointed. It's why people, you know,

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Speaker 1: they go to their dream destinations. They go to Paris,

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Speaker 1: they go to Thailand, they go to Rome, and they're like,

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Speaker 1: I'm kind of disappointed. It's not what Matt, not what

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Speaker 1: my expectations were, or their wedding day or a big milestone.

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Speaker 1: You know, maybe they don't end up leaving that feeling

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Speaker 1: as happy as they thought they would. But this explains

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Speaker 1: why we feel addicted to the act of setting very

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Speaker 1: huge goals but not necessarily fulfilled when we get the thing.

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Speaker 1: We're not actually addicted to achievement. We're addicted to the

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Speaker 1: feeling of almost This can lead to something I call

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Speaker 1: a success hangover. It's also known as gold medal syndrome.

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Speaker 1: For a more formal name you'd find in a psychology textbook.

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Speaker 1: Gold Medal syndrome, of course, named after Olympians who work

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Speaker 1: their entire freaking lives for one moment for a gold medal,

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Speaker 1: and then they get it and they're like, oh, this

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Speaker 1: is it, this is all I ever wanted. Now, what

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Speaker 1: what do I do after this? Every single you know,

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Speaker 1: the Olympics were when I'm recording this last year, every

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Speaker 1: single time the Olympics, and I'm always reminded of this,

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Speaker 1: and I always see people who have worked probably since

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Speaker 1: they were three four years old, finally achieve their dreams

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh my god, that's when that's when

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Speaker 1: the real work begins. That's when the real struggle happens,

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Speaker 1: because now you have to redefine yourself after getting everything

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Speaker 1: you've ever wanted, but also perhaps realizing, you know, you

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Speaker 1: have to fantasize about how amazing it would be in

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Speaker 1: order to get to this place. It might not meet

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Speaker 1: those expectations. And you know what, you don't have to

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Speaker 1: win a gold medal to experience this. Let me give

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Speaker 1: you one final explanation for why we are never happy

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Speaker 1: with what we have, and we kind of talked about

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Speaker 1: it before, but it's something called the negativity bias. So

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Speaker 1: this is a cognitive bias that we have as humans

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Speaker 1: in which we constantly focus on the negative parts of life,

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Speaker 1: some of us more than others. If you're quite pessimistic,

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Speaker 1: you'd also be doing this. Even optimism doesn't necessarily protect

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Speaker 1: us from this. Yes, there are some people who are,

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Speaker 1: you know, crazily optimistic and who perhaps don't see the

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Speaker 1: world in a negative like. Those people are quite rare.

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Speaker 1: Most of us will find that we spend a lot

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Speaker 1: more time thinking about the little frustrations, the things that

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Speaker 1: went wrong, the things that are stressing us out, then

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Speaker 1: the things that are making us feel joyful, then the

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Speaker 1: things that we are happy and proud of, then the

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Speaker 1: things that make our life feel quite meaningful. I know

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Speaker 1: I do this. I literally released a book a week ago,

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Speaker 1: and you know when I spent the whole morning thinking of,

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm so busy, I have so many chores,

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Speaker 1: this and that. You know, the microphone wasn't working this morning,

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Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah, and it's all I thought about, Like,

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Speaker 1: and I realized, oh my goodness, Like this negativity bias

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Speaker 1: is exhausting, but it's also something that we can sometimes

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Speaker 1: struggle to manage because it's how we're hardwired to think.

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about this from a survival perspective. Back in

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Speaker 1: the day, we're roaming the Sahara, we're roaming the mountains,

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Speaker 1: the jungle. You need to focus more on what is

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Speaker 1: potentially threatening, dangerous, scary if you want to survive, then

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Speaker 1: watching the sunset, looking at the beautiful berries, the beautiful flowers,

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Speaker 1: the beautiful butterflies. In a modern society, though, that's no

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Speaker 1: longer as protective as it was back then. Now it's

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Speaker 1: actually just I'm just gonna say it, it's a letdown.

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Speaker 1: It's so annoying, so annoying, you know, when it comes

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Speaker 1: to never being happy with what we have. We can

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Speaker 1: also look at things like comparison, We can look at

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Speaker 1: things like boredom. We could, you know, investigate the society

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Speaker 1: or emphasis or materialism. I feel like these are things

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Speaker 1: that we talk about a lot though, and that we

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Speaker 1: kind of have a grasp on. So I kind of

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Speaker 1: wanted to explore perhaps some different explanations that may not

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Speaker 1: be top of mind for you as you're kind of

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Speaker 1: battling this constant need for more, this constant need to achieve,

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Speaker 1: this constant sense of dissatisfaction with what you have, even

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Speaker 1: if it's what you know, a path version of yourself

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Speaker 1: could only have ever dreamed of. So we are going

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Speaker 1: to take a short break. But when we return, let's

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Speaker 1: talk the consequences of this. Let's also talk the solution,

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Speaker 1: because it's probably a little bit different to what you're expecting.

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Speaker 1: Stay tuned. So what exactly are the consequences of this

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Speaker 1: if it isn't already obvious. Well, the first big one

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Speaker 1: is that, well, obviously you're unhappy all the time, which

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Speaker 1: you know isn't really great, is not how we want

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Speaker 1: to live our lives. The second, though, is extreme guilt,

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Speaker 1: guilt around the fact that you are unhappy without being

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Speaker 1: able to change the fact that you're unhappy because you

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Speaker 1: feel too guilty about it. Now. I think this is

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Speaker 1: especially the case if you can recognize that actually you

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Speaker 1: do have quite a lot, and that there is a

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Speaker 1: lot for you to be grateful for, and you know

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Speaker 1: you have all these things that people themselves admire and

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Speaker 1: are seeking, but you just can't feel good about it.

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Speaker 1: That's a hard one because rationally, you know you have

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Speaker 1: a reason to be happy, but somewhere deep down you

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Speaker 1: can't be and that's going to create these sensations of

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Speaker 1: frustration with yourself, but also the sense that like, I'm

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Speaker 1: not grateful enough, and so I must be a bad person.

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Speaker 1: I must be a bad person for not being able

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Speaker 1: to appreciate this. I think sometimes as well, I have

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Speaker 1: this sense that if I don't feel incredibly grateful and

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Speaker 1: happy about what I have, somehow that's going to mean

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Speaker 1: it's taken away from me. Kind of like I'm an

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Speaker 1: ungrateful child. I don't know. I don't know if anyone

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Speaker 1: else feels this way, but I remember being a kid

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Speaker 1: and opening like a president at Christmas and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: what is this? And I was like not grateful for it,

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Speaker 1: and like my granddad like took it away. I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: if you're not grateful for things they like, you don't

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Speaker 1: deserve them. And now as an adult, I'm like, wow,

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Speaker 1: that really stuck with me. Like, if I don't feel

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Speaker 1: happy about everything I have, I feel extreme guilt because

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Speaker 1: I know someone is doing it a whole lot worse.

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Speaker 1: But also then I feel a lot of fear that

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Speaker 1: it's somehow, this like cosmic power is going to come

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Speaker 1: down and take it away from me, you know, God,

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Speaker 1: the universe, something. It also results in a lot of

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Speaker 1: burnout and perfectionism, procrastination three horsemen of the productivity apocalypse.

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Speaker 1: If you're constantly pushing yourself for more, if you're constantly

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Speaker 1: raising the bars, setting a new milestone, landmark, setting some

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Speaker 1: new goal, the thing is is that it's going to

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Speaker 1: start feeling more and more like a race, and it's

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Speaker 1: going to start having a deeper sense of urgency because

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Speaker 1: your happiness is at stake here, and you're going to

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Speaker 1: push and push and push yourself until something has to give.

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Speaker 1: But for you, even when it does give, it's probably

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Speaker 1: not an option for you to rest. It's not an

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Speaker 1: option for you to reevaluate, because you have tied so

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Speaker 1: much of your life satisfaction to the fulfillment of goals

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Speaker 1: rather than to the experience of existing. And it's something

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Speaker 1: I see a lot of people suffer from. Now. The

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Speaker 1: more you find yourself in this cycle as well, the

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Speaker 1: more pessimistic you actually become about the world. You know,

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Speaker 1: you're constantly raising the bar. Perhaps you are meeting the

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Speaker 1: bar and then of course raising it, but you are

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Speaker 1: achieving certain things and you're still feeling unhappy, and you

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Speaker 1: start to then spire and think, well, if this doesn't

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Speaker 1: do it, what is If I finally have this thing

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Speaker 1: and this wasn't it at some stage there's not going

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Speaker 1: to be anything more, or at some stage there's going

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Speaker 1: to be a goal I can't reach, I can't meet.

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Speaker 1: Does that mean I'm going to be in a perpetual

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Speaker 1: state of misery. It's a pretty big question to ask yourself,

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Speaker 1: and it's one that's pretty hard to answer and will

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Speaker 1: probably lead to quite a lot of sadness. So let's

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Speaker 1: talk about the solution. I took you low there, I

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Speaker 1: took you to a low point. Let's take us back

427
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,399
Speaker 1: to the high point. Gratitude is often the solution people

428
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,440
Speaker 1: will offer you, and it is a pretty brilliant one.

429
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:46,800
Speaker 1: You know. It is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.

430
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,200
Speaker 1: Many studies, including one from I think it was UC Berkeley,

431
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,720
Speaker 1: found that gratitude can actually physically alter your brain and

432
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:57,880
Speaker 1: neural connections, which is just insanely spectacular. In another study,

433
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:03,600
Speaker 1: the same university, University California, Berkeley, recruited three hundred participants

434
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,480
Speaker 1: and asked one third of them to write gratitude letters,

435
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,240
Speaker 1: one third to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings,

436
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:12,600
Speaker 1: and another they didn't ask them to write anything, and

437
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:16,920
Speaker 1: they did find that those who wrote gratitude letters they

438
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:22,479
Speaker 1: were significantly happier four weeks and twelve weeks after this

439
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,120
Speaker 1: exercise had ended. So those results really do just speak

440
00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 1: for themselves. But I have also found that sometimes I

441
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,399
Speaker 1: do need to go deeper to get myself out of

442
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 1: this funk. It's not to discredit gratitude as an important practice,

443
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 1: and of course I think that is the first step

444
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:41,640
Speaker 1: to addressing this. If it doesn't work, though, what's really

445
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 1: helped me get to that next level is actually accepting

446
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,199
Speaker 1: and in fact celebrating negative emotions as much as I

447
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:54,360
Speaker 1: do positive ones, which sounds counterintuitive, but let me give

448
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:58,680
Speaker 1: you my word here. Let me promise you it works.

449
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:02,359
Speaker 1: And it's the same principle behind acceptance and commitment therapy,

450
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:05,320
Speaker 1: a very common kind of therapy which invites people to

451
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:08,800
Speaker 1: open their door to unpleasant feelings instead of feeling trapped

452
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 1: by them. Why do we feel so trapped by being unhappy?

453
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,920
Speaker 1: You know, it doesn't feel great, but really, what's if

454
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 1: we were to look that feeling in the eye, would

455
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,640
Speaker 1: it really be able to hurt us? You know it's

456
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:26,040
Speaker 1: kind of counterintuitive, right, Unpleasant emotions equal bad. We run

457
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 1: away from unpleasant smells, sits tastes, but here we're meant

458
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:33,719
Speaker 1: to run towards it. Well, yeah, and it works because

459
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:38,719
Speaker 1: half the reason unpleasant uncomfortable emotions feel so bad is

460
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:42,760
Speaker 1: because A we're scared of them, and that fear makes

461
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 1: up more of the unpleasantness than the actual emotion does.

462
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:50,240
Speaker 1: And B when we avoid them, we don't develop the

463
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: strategies to sit with negative emotions when they do occur,

464
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,680
Speaker 1: which means that when they break through the internal walls

465
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:59,480
Speaker 1: that we put up, which they will eventually, they feel

466
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 1: even stronger and worse, and that reinforces this initial appraisal

467
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,520
Speaker 1: and belief that they are bad. Here's the thing, and

468
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,480
Speaker 1: I'm going to say it again, why do we view

469
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,440
Speaker 1: not being happy all the time is a terrible thing?

470
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 1: You're sure it doesn't feel amazing when it's all the time.

471
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:18,480
Speaker 1: When it comes to not being able to appreciate hard

472
00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:22,680
Speaker 1: earned successes, it is pretty exhausting. But happiness is not

473
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:32,480
Speaker 1: the only important emotion. Sadness, nostalgia, boredom, confusion, disgust, entransmit, surprise, relief, romance.

474
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 1: They are all so beautiful. They're like our mind's children.

475
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:41,560
Speaker 1: They each serve such an important purpose. So I need

476
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:46,440
Speaker 1: you to lean into experiencing every emotion. Be curious about it.

477
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 1: Think of your life as a very rich tapestry. You know,

478
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 1: if you were happy all the time, that would mean

479
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 1: that the tapestry is just one color. Let's say it's

480
00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,160
Speaker 1: just yellow. It's fine yellow as a beautiful color. We

481
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:04,200
Speaker 1: want blues, we want reds, purples, greens, every hue, to

482
00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:07,920
Speaker 1: make it interesting, to make life interesting, to make that

483
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,760
Speaker 1: tapestry you know, something that's fun to look at. I

484
00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:14,320
Speaker 1: have found and this is the easiest way to gain

485
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,520
Speaker 1: deeper appreciation for the small things, which is really what

486
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,920
Speaker 1: we're after here, not just the big things. That when

487
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 1: you do appreciate and lean into unhappiness, sadness, disappointment and

488
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:31,120
Speaker 1: you really like make it an experience for you, you

489
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:34,720
Speaker 1: get better at noticing happiness because all of your energy

490
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 1: isn't going towards making sure happiness isn't the only flavor

491
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:42,880
Speaker 1: or color. I think that's really really important here. When

492
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:45,160
Speaker 1: we struggle with never being happy with what we have,

493
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:49,120
Speaker 1: I think it's because we believe somehow that we need

494
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 1: to always be happy, that we need to always feel fulfilled,

495
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,720
Speaker 1: and that's why we are let down by the lack

496
00:30:56,760 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 1: of satisfaction that sometimes comes from the big things. Now

497
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 1: I introduced a caveat before about that success hangover we've

498
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:08,840
Speaker 1: spoken about. I think this has another kind of cure,

499
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:11,800
Speaker 1: and that is to name your enough point. And I

500
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 1: want to restate that because I know I mentioned it before,

501
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 1: but I want it to have its own segment in

502
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:22,120
Speaker 1: this section. Before you set a goal. Before you decide

503
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: that something is worthy of achieving or something that you

504
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:29,600
Speaker 1: want to work towards, I want you to seriously ask

505
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:35,360
Speaker 1: yourself what would enough look like for you? Define it

506
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:40,520
Speaker 1: before your brain moves the goalpost. Write it down? Please

507
00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 1: for me? What is enough for you? What is enough money?

508
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 1: What are enough friends? What is enough in a relationship?

509
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:52,160
Speaker 1: What is enough in your career? What is enough just

510
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:56,600
Speaker 1: for right now? Like obviously it will evolve as you

511
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,440
Speaker 1: get older, but at some point I need you to

512
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,360
Speaker 1: sit in a knowledge that you have come very very

513
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:06,840
Speaker 1: far and that you have achieved many, many beautiful things.

514
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,120
Speaker 1: A really beautiful exercise for me, and it's one that

515
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:12,440
Speaker 1: made me so emotional recently with the book and everything.

516
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,440
Speaker 1: Was just thinking if I could have a one on

517
00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:19,760
Speaker 1: one conversation with my childhood self, what would I tell

518
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:23,040
Speaker 1: them and what would they just be so ecstatic by?

519
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:26,520
Speaker 1: And how would they view me? And what are the

520
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,920
Speaker 1: things that they would just never believe? Even my teenage self,

521
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:33,520
Speaker 1: there is something that you have completed and done and

522
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:36,680
Speaker 1: succeeded at that a younger version of you would just

523
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:42,360
Speaker 1: be like gob smacked by. Keep those small achievements that

524
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:45,560
Speaker 1: sometimes we don't even appreciate in the moment at the

525
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:48,640
Speaker 1: center of your mind. Put them somewhere where you can

526
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:54,600
Speaker 1: think about them, read them, view them. Because I don't

527
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,880
Speaker 1: want us to be I don't want us to be

528
00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:01,040
Speaker 1: in the game of forgetting, because we're constantly trying to

529
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:05,440
Speaker 1: push ourselves further. Sometimes I think that there is this

530
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:08,479
Speaker 1: fear of being happy because we think that, well, if

531
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:11,160
Speaker 1: I was happy, I wouldn't be able to push myself anymore.

532
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 1: I think it's particularly common amongst high achievers, people who

533
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:20,720
Speaker 1: really push themselves. There's this cruel thing that we've realized

534
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 1: at some stage that if you dislike yourself and if

535
00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:30,239
Speaker 1: you are dissatisfied, perpetually in a state of dissatisfaction, well,

536
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:33,880
Speaker 1: then you're constantly going to be in a state of

537
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:36,600
Speaker 1: trying to get out of that state, Right Like, if

538
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:41,520
Speaker 1: you are unhappy, if you are trying to prove something

539
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 1: that's great motivation for you. Being happy and content, well,

540
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:49,800
Speaker 1: we think sometimes that would mean that we would become lazy.

541
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:53,880
Speaker 1: That's not true. I'm a study that found that people

542
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:57,520
Speaker 1: who are more fulfilled, content and satisfied with their life

543
00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:02,160
Speaker 1: are actually almost twenty seven percent more productive in their

544
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:05,040
Speaker 1: day to day lives, so it's not something to be

545
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:08,799
Speaker 1: afraid of. You're not going to lose your motivation, You're

546
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:11,200
Speaker 1: not going to lose your efficiency and your productive edge.

547
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:14,839
Speaker 1: Another thing that's been very very helpful for me and

548
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,319
Speaker 1: for other people that I've spoken to as well when

549
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 1: dealing with this happiness conundrum is to start a weird ritual.

550
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,600
Speaker 1: Instead of constantly focusing on what you could have and

551
00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:29,360
Speaker 1: what you could achieve, start something that has nothing to

552
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,040
Speaker 1: do with any of those things. I heard about this

553
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:35,320
Speaker 1: recently from the author Michael Norton, who wrote the book

554
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 1: The Ritual Effect, and essentially what he says is that

555
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,560
Speaker 1: when you focus on something other than what you want

556
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:46,000
Speaker 1: or what you have, and instead focus on something that

557
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:50,720
Speaker 1: you can do and can enjoy, our lives get significantly better.

558
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:53,200
Speaker 1: Some of the ideas for a ritual he had, and

559
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:56,880
Speaker 1: this is my favorite, one was to do mini versions

560
00:34:56,960 --> 00:35:00,759
Speaker 1: of what you would do on a vacation. So go

561
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:04,120
Speaker 1: to the local pool, make yourself like a budget version

562
00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:08,320
Speaker 1: of that holiday cocktail you loved. Commit to maybe doing

563
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:11,120
Speaker 1: a touristy thing in your city each weekend. All you

564
00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,600
Speaker 1: can get into the ritual of hosting an event once

565
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:16,719
Speaker 1: a month for friends. I do this, It's amazing. One

566
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,560
Speaker 1: of my friends I've seen this on TikTok does like

567
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:21,440
Speaker 1: a coffee shop in her house once a month. I

568
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:24,759
Speaker 1: do like a game's art themed night once a month.

569
00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:28,040
Speaker 1: You know, you just need to get involved in the

570
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: act of doing rather than achieving. You know who some

571
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:35,240
Speaker 1: of the happiest and most content people are in the world.

572
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:40,440
Speaker 1: It's those who are grounded in doing rather than having

573
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:45,640
Speaker 1: one group. I always think of hobbyists, not professionals, not

574
00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:51,360
Speaker 1: competitive hobbyists, just hobbyists. People who like bird watching, people

575
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:56,760
Speaker 1: who like like reading, rock climbers like what's another one,

576
00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:00,799
Speaker 1: like cyclists, like those people seem so happy because they

577
00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:04,600
Speaker 1: just enjoy doing something that gets them out of their mind,

578
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 1: and that there is very limited competition in especially if

579
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:10,960
Speaker 1: you're just doing it for the joy of it, doing

580
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:15,920
Speaker 1: it for their own sense of love and attachment and

581
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:20,440
Speaker 1: excitement with the thing. So if you are struggling with

582
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,080
Speaker 1: this happiness treadmill, you're not happy with what you have,

583
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:28,560
Speaker 1: You're constantly looking for more. I need you to take

584
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:31,040
Speaker 1: a step back right now. I need you to take

585
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:35,440
Speaker 1: a step back. Survey your life. When was the last

586
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:38,600
Speaker 1: time you did something just for the joy of it. Seriously,

587
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:41,799
Speaker 1: ask yourself, when was the last time you looked at

588
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:43,360
Speaker 1: your to do list and said, I'm not going to

589
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,520
Speaker 1: do any of that today. I'm actually going to go

590
00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:50,720
Speaker 1: and do something fun, something I want to do. Maybe

591
00:36:50,719 --> 00:36:53,480
Speaker 1: that's your ritual, a day of no to do lists,

592
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:56,520
Speaker 1: a day a week where there is nothing planned. You

593
00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: just get to dilly Dali, Dilly dali and and dordal

594
00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:04,520
Speaker 1: and explore and experience. Okay, we're going to take another

595
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,759
Speaker 1: short break, but when we return, I want to talk

596
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:12,080
Speaker 1: about some of the amazing listener questions that you guys

597
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:21,560
Speaker 1: had on this topic, so stay tuned. Okay, it's time

598
00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:26,440
Speaker 1: for everyone's favorite segment, our listener questions. This first question,

599
00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:29,480
Speaker 1: which I love and which we haven't spoken about very

600
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:32,200
Speaker 1: much at all in this topic so far, is what

601
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:37,480
Speaker 1: is the impact of consumerism? A huge, huge point that

602
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:40,880
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you brought up so I didn't accidentally

603
00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:46,680
Speaker 1: miss it. I blame consumerism for quite a bit of this,

604
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:50,920
Speaker 1: specifically when it comes to not being happy with obviously

605
00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:56,080
Speaker 1: material goods. The current climate that we live in, the

606
00:37:56,160 --> 00:38:01,759
Speaker 1: current society that we live in, is obsess with quantity

607
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:07,839
Speaker 1: and with having more and with displaying wealth through the

608
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:12,600
Speaker 1: new shiny object, the new trending item, the new viral item.

609
00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 1: This is gonnas maybe upset some people, but oh my gosh,

610
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 1: the thing that always frustrates me whenever I'm on Instagram

611
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:23,400
Speaker 1: or TikTok is people who are like, you need this

612
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:28,880
Speaker 1: viral dress in every single color, You need this new item,

613
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:34,319
Speaker 1: like here's my you know, insane clothing hale. Let's refresh

614
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:38,400
Speaker 1: my apartment for Easter or for spring, and go and

615
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,880
Speaker 1: buy all this new stuff, like here's this Life Janney product.

616
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,480
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my goodness, you don't need that. You

617
00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:48,480
Speaker 1: don't need these things, Like I'm sure it makes these

618
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:51,840
Speaker 1: people very, very happy. But like we said at the beginning,

619
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:55,839
Speaker 1: consuming too much of that content is what can contribute

620
00:38:55,880 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 1: to struggling to be happy with what you have, because

621
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:03,759
Speaker 1: there's constantly going to be someone who has more. And

622
00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:08,320
Speaker 1: there's also, given that social media is now a job,

623
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:12,400
Speaker 1: this person is trying and a lot of individuals online

624
00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:15,640
Speaker 1: are trying to get you to buy these things and

625
00:39:15,719 --> 00:39:21,160
Speaker 1: trying to sell you something, if not directly indirectly through

626
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:25,960
Speaker 1: themselves as a brand. Let me just say this, we

627
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:30,800
Speaker 1: definitely don't need as much as is being sold to us,

628
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:34,480
Speaker 1: and if you're not careful enough, you will end up

629
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:39,520
Speaker 1: buying into this narrative that having this item, having this

630
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:42,360
Speaker 1: new thing is going to make you happy, leaning to

631
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:46,640
Speaker 1: perpetual dissatisfaction. You know, consumer culture is built on the

632
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:51,520
Speaker 1: idea that what we currently own or experience isn't enough,

633
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:55,680
Speaker 1: and that buying something will make us happier. It's how

634
00:39:56,239 --> 00:40:03,520
Speaker 1: impulse spending, chronic overspending, chronic shopping addictions occur, its identity

635
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:09,960
Speaker 1: in the pursuit of happiness through possessions, equating what we

636
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:13,080
Speaker 1: have to how we should be feeling. So I think

637
00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:21,759
Speaker 1: there is definitely a large intersection between consumerist culture and

638
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:24,880
Speaker 1: also dissatisfaction and not being happy with what you have.

639
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:28,239
Speaker 1: This next question has to do with body image. So

640
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,279
Speaker 1: if there's something this is something that you're sensitive to,

641
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:33,759
Speaker 1: skip ahead a couple of minutes. But how does never

642
00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:37,080
Speaker 1: being happy with what we have tie into physical appearance?

643
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:39,960
Speaker 1: This is a component we haven't spoken about yet. But

644
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:42,560
Speaker 1: never being happy with what we have doesn't just come

645
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:47,239
Speaker 1: down to achievements or material possessions. It can also come

646
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:50,920
Speaker 1: down to how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive

647
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:54,480
Speaker 1: our bodies. This is again, I think, symptomatic of the

648
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,360
Speaker 1: society we live in. The idea of the perfect body

649
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:02,000
Speaker 1: is constantly changing. And yeah, we are expected to mold

650
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:07,920
Speaker 1: our appearance into whatever shape, form, size, image that it's

651
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,239
Speaker 1: meant to be. Right now, that's not possible, you know.

652
00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:15,640
Speaker 1: Think about it, like you cannot add height, add inches,

653
00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:18,919
Speaker 1: immediately take off thirty killers and then put it back

654
00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:22,240
Speaker 1: on when it comes back in style, Like our bodies

655
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:27,520
Speaker 1: are becoming these, you know, becoming just something that is

656
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:31,600
Speaker 1: only made to be viewed and made to be shaped

657
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:36,040
Speaker 1: and formed and molded into a trend. And it's not

658
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:39,319
Speaker 1: our fault for buying into it, because when you meet

659
00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:43,040
Speaker 1: the trend, it feels like you're doing something right. It

660
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:46,080
Speaker 1: feels like you'll be praised more, people will think you're beautiful.

661
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:49,239
Speaker 1: Perhaps you'll you know, experience a bit of pretty privilege

662
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,880
Speaker 1: some perks who doesn't want that. But this is a

663
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:56,400
Speaker 1: reminder that, again, your body is not a trend. And

664
00:41:56,440 --> 00:42:00,520
Speaker 1: if you're struggling with being happy with your appearance and

665
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,200
Speaker 1: just being happy with and content with where you are now,

666
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:07,799
Speaker 1: I think it's time to probably tune out some of

667
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:12,600
Speaker 1: those some of the sources of this lack of satisfaction.

668
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:17,760
Speaker 1: I'm just going to say it, Unfollow the Kardashians please

669
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:23,879
Speaker 1: and thank you. They are such a so representative of this.

670
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:31,160
Speaker 1: But also unfollow certain pages, Instagram feeds, tiktoks, block content

671
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:33,520
Speaker 1: that is going to make you feel like you need

672
00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:36,880
Speaker 1: to opt into this and remember to add some realism

673
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: into what you're consuming. Filters and the technology we have

674
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,960
Speaker 1: nowadays mean that the person who's filming or you know,

675
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:49,200
Speaker 1: displaying this video probably doesn't even look like that the themselves.

676
00:42:49,719 --> 00:42:53,560
Speaker 1: And also even if they do, someone else's beauty does

677
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:57,200
Speaker 1: not mean that you don't have beauty as well. You know,

678
00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 1: there's not like objectively, one flower that is the most beautiful,

679
00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:06,040
Speaker 1: or one dog or one cat or one horse that

680
00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:09,879
Speaker 1: is the most beautiful. And because they're beautiful, it means

681
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 1: that nothing else, and no one else to, no other

682
00:43:12,719 --> 00:43:17,120
Speaker 1: option has value like this all or nothing thinking when

683
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:21,680
Speaker 1: it comes to beauty, specifically, someone else's appearance can get

684
00:43:21,719 --> 00:43:24,920
Speaker 1: us into a lot of trouble. Obviously this I need

685
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:28,000
Speaker 1: a lot more time to talk about this, but I

686
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:29,839
Speaker 1: do think that it's important to point out that this

687
00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:33,920
Speaker 1: definitely applies. We could even talk about body dysmorphia here,

688
00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:36,359
Speaker 1: but I did a whole episode on that. If this

689
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:39,839
Speaker 1: specific intersection between never being happy with what you have

690
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:43,239
Speaker 1: and physical appearance is calling to you and something you

691
00:43:43,239 --> 00:43:45,560
Speaker 1: want to hear about, listen to the body Dysmorphia episode.

692
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 1: All Right, this next question, how do I stop treating

693
00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:51,560
Speaker 1: life as a checklist and feeling like if I'm not

694
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:54,360
Speaker 1: taking things off the list, I am not allowed to

695
00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:58,120
Speaker 1: be happy? Gosh, is this not the biggest question that

696
00:43:58,160 --> 00:44:00,400
Speaker 1: so many of us face in our twenties. I was

697
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:02,200
Speaker 1: talking to someone about this at a book event the

698
00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:04,760
Speaker 1: other day, and I was like, Wow, it just feels

699
00:44:04,800 --> 00:44:08,319
Speaker 1: like every single one of us is running out of

700
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:12,240
Speaker 1: time to do the millions of different things that people

701
00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:15,080
Speaker 1: have told we need to do in our twenties, when

702
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:18,040
Speaker 1: actually some of them are not even compatible. It's like, well,

703
00:44:18,080 --> 00:44:21,320
Speaker 1: you need to do solo travel. You need to solo travel,

704
00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:23,640
Speaker 1: but you also should have kids before you turn thirty,

705
00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:27,560
Speaker 1: and you need to date around and experience like different

706
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:29,640
Speaker 1: kinds of love. But also you should have a partner,

707
00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:31,960
Speaker 1: and you need to figure out your career and have

708
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:35,600
Speaker 1: a stable career progression, but also let loose a little

709
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:40,359
Speaker 1: bit the checklist. Oh my god, it's so intense. Sometimes,

710
00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:44,359
Speaker 1: what I will say is this, the best thing you

711
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,799
Speaker 1: can do for yourself is just to choose something you

712
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:50,440
Speaker 1: really want to do and pursue it, and to just

713
00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:55,279
Speaker 1: find a way to incorporate experiences you actually want to

714
00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:59,239
Speaker 1: have along the way. Don't get too caught up in

715
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:01,719
Speaker 1: what everyone else is doing and whether that's going to

716
00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:04,799
Speaker 1: make you happy. Trust your intuition. There are certain things

717
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:08,200
Speaker 1: that probably won't make you happy and that you probably

718
00:45:08,239 --> 00:45:11,960
Speaker 1: can skip over, And for the things that you might

719
00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:15,520
Speaker 1: actually really think that you'll enjoy, you have time to

720
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:19,600
Speaker 1: experience them. Our twenties are not the only decade in

721
00:45:19,640 --> 00:45:25,520
Speaker 1: which we have time, space, energy resources to do the

722
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:27,760
Speaker 1: things we want to do. In fact, to the older

723
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:30,640
Speaker 1: we get we probably will be making more money, we

724
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:34,320
Speaker 1: will probably have more flexibility when it comes to checking

725
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:39,080
Speaker 1: off some important bucket list items for ourselves. So just

726
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:40,759
Speaker 1: because you are not where you are right now, just

727
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:43,799
Speaker 1: because you haven't done everything that you've wanted to do

728
00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:46,359
Speaker 1: this far, doesn't mean it's not going to happen. If

729
00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:50,879
Speaker 1: you checked everything off the checklist now before your life

730
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:54,319
Speaker 1: has even really begun, what's there left to do? It's

731
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:58,319
Speaker 1: important to actually take your time appreciate the journey. Al Right,

732
00:45:58,400 --> 00:46:02,160
Speaker 1: we have time for one via question. How does never

733
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:06,840
Speaker 1: being happy with what we have relate to tall poppy syndrome?

734
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 1: Just tall poppy syndrome come into play. So this is

735
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:13,719
Speaker 1: an Australian phrase. For my non Australian listeners, it's one

736
00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:16,799
Speaker 1: of my favorite phrases. Essentially, what it means is that

737
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:20,319
Speaker 1: the tallest flowers are the ones that are cut down

738
00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:24,319
Speaker 1: first when someone is going to make a bouquet, when

739
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:27,160
Speaker 1: someone wants some fresh flowers, they're going to choose the

740
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:31,120
Speaker 1: ones that stick out. So when it comes to human

741
00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:35,480
Speaker 1: beings or people, if you are too open and honest

742
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:40,560
Speaker 1: and brash with your success and your accomplishments, you're going

743
00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:42,839
Speaker 1: to be cut down. You're going to stick out from

744
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:45,200
Speaker 1: the herd. You're going to be taken down for that.

745
00:46:45,920 --> 00:46:47,920
Speaker 1: It's a huge thing in Australia. It's probably a big

746
00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:50,000
Speaker 1: thing in other countries that just might have other terms.

747
00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:53,440
Speaker 1: I think this comes into play with never being happy

748
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:56,440
Speaker 1: with what you have because sometimes you're taught to downplay

749
00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:01,360
Speaker 1: your successes and downplay you're a cheap to not piss

750
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:04,600
Speaker 1: people off. You know, there is a fine line to

751
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:11,360
Speaker 1: walk here between humility and also confidence and being like,

752
00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:14,480
Speaker 1: you know what, I really I am cool and I

753
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:17,640
Speaker 1: do cool things, and I am proud of myself. Tall

754
00:47:17,680 --> 00:47:20,680
Speaker 1: poppy syndrome can make you feel like I need to

755
00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:25,680
Speaker 1: be small for other people's sake, but also to protect myself.

756
00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:30,080
Speaker 1: What I say to this is that personal acknowledgment and

757
00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:34,640
Speaker 1: personal pride and what you're doing goes a long way.

758
00:47:36,120 --> 00:47:38,880
Speaker 1: I also, and you know what I'm going to say it,

759
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:43,080
Speaker 1: you can brag about yourself, brag a little. It's okay.

760
00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:45,760
Speaker 1: The people who really support you will be so proud

761
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:48,840
Speaker 1: of you. Anytime one of my friends comes with me

762
00:47:49,000 --> 00:47:52,040
Speaker 1: with good news or what they think is a brag,

763
00:47:52,719 --> 00:47:57,800
Speaker 1: I'm so frickin pumped for them. Being proud of yourself

764
00:47:57,880 --> 00:48:03,080
Speaker 1: openly is such a good litmus test for understanding who

765
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:06,800
Speaker 1: is really on your side and who sees your achievements

766
00:48:06,840 --> 00:48:10,560
Speaker 1: and your accomplishments and the cool things you're doing as

767
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:12,080
Speaker 1: a win for them because they get to be in

768
00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:15,880
Speaker 1: your presence. So I don't think it's arrogant to sometimes

769
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:19,400
Speaker 1: just say I work really hard, I do cool stuff,

770
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:24,680
Speaker 1: I'm creative, I'm kind, I'm generous. That's not ego. That's

771
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:27,160
Speaker 1: confidence and I think there's time. There's a time and

772
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,320
Speaker 1: a place for it, and if we always suppress everything

773
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:33,880
Speaker 1: and keep it hidden, perhaps we will fall into this

774
00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:41,520
Speaker 1: dissatisfaction trap or that success void that we were speaking about. Well,

775
00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:43,920
Speaker 1: my lovely listeners, I think that is truly all we

776
00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:47,120
Speaker 1: have time for today. We have covered oh so much

777
00:48:47,280 --> 00:48:50,120
Speaker 1: and I hope you enjoyed this episode. Make sure to

778
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:53,240
Speaker 1: check out my book Person and Progress, and check out

779
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:57,800
Speaker 1: the companion episode to this episode on Matra. It's titled

780
00:48:57,880 --> 00:48:59,759
Speaker 1: I Allow Myself to be happy with what I have.

781
00:49:00,320 --> 00:49:05,400
Speaker 1: If you want more affirmations and more inspiration to commit

782
00:49:06,120 --> 00:49:10,279
Speaker 1: to just being satisfied with the little things and with

783
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:12,560
Speaker 1: what you've achieved so far, I feel like that episode

784
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:14,880
Speaker 1: is going to be amazing for that. If you have

785
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:17,600
Speaker 1: further episode suggestions, we are always on the hunt for

786
00:49:17,640 --> 00:49:21,480
Speaker 1: great ideas, feel free to dm me on Instagram. At

787
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:26,080
Speaker 1: that Psychology podcast, we also post a listener question box

788
00:49:26,239 --> 00:49:28,960
Speaker 1: once a week for upcoming episodes, which is where we

789
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:31,799
Speaker 1: got the questions for today's episode from. So if you

790
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:34,760
Speaker 1: want to contribute and hear your question in an episode

791
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:38,120
Speaker 1: an upcoming episode, again, make sure you're following me and

792
00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:40,480
Speaker 1: hey hello, If you have made it this far, I'm

793
00:49:40,520 --> 00:49:42,120
Speaker 1: talking to you. You are one of the lucky ones.

794
00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:44,759
Speaker 1: Our emoji for this week that I want you to

795
00:49:44,840 --> 00:49:46,880
Speaker 1: drop in the comments below if you have made it

796
00:49:46,920 --> 00:49:51,040
Speaker 1: this far is a broccoli stem. I just went grocery

797
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:53,880
Speaker 1: shopping before I recorded this episode, and the thing on

798
00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:57,120
Speaker 1: the top of my list was broccoli, So you guys

799
00:49:57,160 --> 00:49:59,279
Speaker 1: included in on that. Drop a broccoli down below. If

800
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:02,280
Speaker 1: you've made it this far, thank you for listening. Until

801
00:50:02,320 --> 00:50:07,360
Speaker 1: next time, Stay safe, be kind, Most importantly, be happy,

802
00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:12,359
Speaker 1: Be gentle to yourself, celebrate your accomplishments. Know when enough

803
00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:15,239
Speaker 1: is enough, and we will talk very very soon.