WEBVTT - Party For One 0:00:01.400 --> 0:00:04.720 This episode is sponsored by FX's Fleischman Is in Trouble, 0:00:05.160 --> 0:00:09.399 starring Jesse Eisenberg, Claire Danes, Lizzie Kaplan, and Adam Brodie. 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:12.639 The strama tells the story of recently divorced Toby Fleischmann, 0:00:12.800 --> 0:00:15.320 who dies into the world of app based dating with 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:17.360 the kind of success he never had in his youth. 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:21.280 Then his ex wife disappears, leaving him with their two 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:24.880 children and no hint of her return effectus. Fleischman is 0:00:24.920 --> 0:00:43.000 in Trouble, streaming November seventeenth only on Hulu. Good morning, peeps, 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:45.960 and welcome to Okay after Daily with Meet Your Girl 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:52.519 Danielle Moody recording prerecording from our studios pot Stream Studios 0:00:52.560 --> 0:00:55.920 in Times Square, Folks, I'm really excited about the conversation 0:00:55.960 --> 0:01:00.640 that you're going to listen to today with celebrities dialist, 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:06.880 makeup artist now author of the new book Dinner for One, 0:01:07.080 --> 0:01:12.520 Lauren Napier. Lauren has a really interesting story, and what 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:15.640 is interesting to me is that she calls herself a 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:20.360 spinster by choice. She is somebody that has embraced her 0:01:20.360 --> 0:01:24.440 single dumb not only embraced it, but wants it right. 0:01:24.520 --> 0:01:26.720 It is not by virtue of oh, I didn't find 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:28.480 the right person, or I've been on the hunt a 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:30.520 long time. I think that you're going to get a 0:01:30.520 --> 0:01:33.720 lot out of this conversation with regard to how we 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:39.120 talk about ourselves and our relationship with ourselves. For the 0:01:39.200 --> 0:01:43.040 past couple of months, right, I've been trying to bring 0:01:43.160 --> 0:01:46.080 us some more wellness into the conversations of what it 0:01:46.120 --> 0:01:49.560 means to be woke. And when I came across Lauren's book, 0:01:50.360 --> 0:01:54.640 I thought to myself, dinner for one, how fascinating, and 0:01:54.720 --> 0:01:57.320 why let me tell you a little story so you 0:01:57.400 --> 0:02:00.440 all know that I was married for a very long 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:04.560 time and at the beginning of the pandemic. Actually, January 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:09.080 of twenty twenty was the first time that well I 0:02:09.120 --> 0:02:11.720 had asked for a divorce, but also had moved out 0:02:11.840 --> 0:02:16.520 on my own, and I'd never lived alone before, and 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:19.840 I know, pause for shock. The reality is is that 0:02:19.880 --> 0:02:23.560 I had gone from my parents house to college. Then 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:27.400 after college I lived with best friends and roommates, and 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:30.079 it wasn't until I met my ex wife that then 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:32.880 I would move in with her. So never along that 0:02:33.000 --> 0:02:37.680 journey did I live alone. Did I even experience really 0:02:37.720 --> 0:02:40.680 what it was like to be alone because at the 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:44.320 ripe old age of twenty three, I got into a 0:02:44.480 --> 0:02:48.359 long term relationship that would turn into a marriage. And 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:52.519 so when I came across Lauren's book Dinner for One, 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:57.840 it brought me back to the first several months of 0:02:57.960 --> 0:03:00.639 being alone. And now this is you know, right at 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:03.160 the beginning of COVID, which would happen in March of 0:03:03.240 --> 0:03:06.680 twenty twenty, and it would bring me back to living 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:08.520 at home with my parents so that we could all 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:12.160 be together as my mother was recovering from brain surgery. 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:15.320 But what came up for me during the first couple 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:17.560 of months and then when I would move back to 0:03:17.639 --> 0:03:24.239 my apartment, was I had shifted my mindset about cooking 0:03:24.320 --> 0:03:29.120 for myself. You know, when I was alone, when but married, 0:03:29.320 --> 0:03:32.640 or when I wouldever find myself home alone, cooking was 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:34.680 the last thing that was on my mind. I would 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:37.560 order take out, or I would eat a big bowl 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:42.400 of popcorn and wash it down with some wine, and 0:03:43.280 --> 0:03:47.600 I just it didn't feel like I was worthy to 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:52.080 slave in the kitchen for an hour or two hours 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:55.880 to come up with something to make. And then, by 0:03:55.960 --> 0:04:00.400 virtue of my divorce, I started to realize that I 0:04:00.480 --> 0:04:03.560 was worth the time and the effort. And so I 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:09.160 started to make wonderful meals for myself, not because I 0:04:09.160 --> 0:04:13.200 thought somebody would be coming by, or you know, or 0:04:13.360 --> 0:04:17.760 I just decided that I was worth it. And I 0:04:17.800 --> 0:04:21.440 remember taking my first picture to send to my mom 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:24.280 to say, look what I made today, And she was like, 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:26.760 who is coming over? And I said, I made it 0:04:26.800 --> 0:04:30.760 for me and she said, I'm so proud of you. 0:04:32.000 --> 0:04:35.800 And I think that Lauren's book is a way for 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:40.039 people to give permission to themselves that you are worth 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:42.680 the time and the effort. That if you can make 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:46.599 these elaborate meals when you have company or for your 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:50.800 spouse or you know, a partner, significant other, then why 0:04:50.800 --> 0:04:55.400 wouldn't you put the same investment in yourself. Why do 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:58.160 we think that when we are alone that our body 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:02.800 should be filled with greed send nonsense because and only 0:05:03.279 --> 0:05:05.600 we're only going to go shopping and go to the 0:05:05.880 --> 0:05:09.560 food store, oh if people are coming, and so dinner 0:05:09.600 --> 0:05:12.599 for one. And the conversation that you'll listen to with Lauren, 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:16.960 you know, was it's revolutionary if you really think about it. 0:05:17.640 --> 0:05:22.000 We sell women, and I say women in particular, we 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:26.240 sell women a bag of fucking lies all the time. 0:05:26.640 --> 0:05:31.240 We tell women that you're desirable until you hit what 0:05:31.560 --> 0:05:34.320 thirty five, and then all of a sudden, it's you 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:36.359 need to get married, need to have kids, and you 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:38.560 need to hurry up and do it soon because nobody's 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:42.400 gonna want you. Then when you approach middle age, right 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:46.680 in your forties, then people are looking at you. And 0:05:46.720 --> 0:05:49.640 if you've never been married, or if you're married and divorce, 0:05:49.839 --> 0:05:53.359 it's like, oh, nobody wanted you, or if you get divorced, 0:05:53.400 --> 0:05:56.320 oh why did they get rid of you? It isn't 0:05:56.360 --> 0:05:59.480 about empowerment. And Lauren and I will have this conversation 0:05:59.520 --> 0:06:02.560 as it retains to men. Men can be single, they 0:06:02.600 --> 0:06:05.760 can be bachelor's forever, and they are applauded for it. 0:06:05.800 --> 0:06:09.400 Look how distinguished, Look how you know, just care free 0:06:09.480 --> 0:06:14.640 and wild this person is. But women get the title spinster. 0:06:15.839 --> 0:06:19.640 So what if you decided to own that that instead 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:22.880 of us believing that we're just you know, waiting for 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:26.760 that special someone to come, that we actually enjoyed our 0:06:26.920 --> 0:06:31.919 time with ourselves, that we decided that instead of reading 0:06:31.960 --> 0:06:34.559 all of the self help books about how to find 0:06:34.600 --> 0:06:36.560 this man, or think like a man, or think like 0:06:36.600 --> 0:06:38.359 a woman, or this, that and the other thing, and 0:06:38.440 --> 0:06:40.800 let me go and swipe and swipe and swipe and 0:06:40.839 --> 0:06:43.359 be validated by the likes that I'm getting or the 0:06:43.400 --> 0:06:46.960 engagement that I'm getting. What if we just learned how 0:06:47.000 --> 0:06:51.479 to like ourselves? And it sounds crazy, but this is 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:54.600 something that for me, and I've talked about this before, 0:06:54.880 --> 0:06:59.279 that the pandemic offered. It offered me the opportunity to 0:06:59.480 --> 0:07:03.360 fall in love with myself, figure out what I like, 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:07.599 right and why do I like it? And recognize that 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:10.960 the thing that I feared with divorce, which was being 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:13.960 alone and how people would perceive me. Oh my god, 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:20.640 she now carries the label divorce. Ah. Right, that I 0:07:20.760 --> 0:07:25.480 learned to enjoy being alone, the thing that I thought 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:28.600 that I was so afraid of, has now become one 0:07:28.640 --> 0:07:33.440 of my greatest comforts. I like walking around my home 0:07:33.520 --> 0:07:37.040 and looking at my plans, or deciding to just sit 0:07:37.120 --> 0:07:42.600 in silence or play classical music or just be without 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:46.480 having to explain myself to another person or make time 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:50.720 or make space. The space is just mine. And I 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:53.920 literally go through waves of guilt where I need to 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:56.600 remind myself that I don't need to be doing a 0:07:56.720 --> 0:08:01.080 damned thing that I can just enjoy being with myself. 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:04.360 And I love Lauren's book. I mean, first of all, 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:06.880 it is self published and it's the most beautiful book 0:08:07.040 --> 0:08:11.960 that I've seen. The pictures are just so vibrant and colorful. 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:15.160 And she'll say in our interview that one of the 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:18.240 things that got her into wanting to cook is that 0:08:18.480 --> 0:08:23.000 she wanted health and wellness. That when you're walking into 0:08:23.000 --> 0:08:26.640 the grocery store and you're seeing these bright, beautiful colors, 0:08:27.200 --> 0:08:29.720 right that you want them on your plate and you 0:08:29.800 --> 0:08:33.440 want to take them in. So, you know, folks, I 0:08:33.559 --> 0:08:36.400 think that if there's anything that you can learn or 0:08:36.480 --> 0:08:39.800 take away from the interview with Lauren, it's that we 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.480 need to change the narrative that society has been feeding 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:47.679 us about where we should or should not find value, 0:08:48.280 --> 0:08:53.559 and that it is not being single is not one step, 0:08:53.960 --> 0:08:56.920 you know, in the direction of marriage or partnership or 0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:59.760 what have you. That for some people, they're designing the 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:03.040 life that they want, and everyone should have the opportunity 0:09:03.080 --> 0:09:06.640 to do that without having to apologize for the decisions 0:09:06.679 --> 0:09:09.960 that they make about their own life. So I hope 0:09:09.960 --> 0:09:14.480 that you enjoy the conversation with Lauren. Drop some thoughts 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:17.520 in the comment section. Have you ever cooked a lavish, 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:22.720 beautiful meal for yourself and if not, why has it 0:09:22.760 --> 0:09:25.080 ever crossed your mind? I'd love to hear from you, 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:31.440 so do drop a note in the comment section, Folks. 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:35.680 I am very excited to welcome to okay f for 0:09:36.000 --> 0:09:42.600 the very first time author, celebrity, makeup, artists, stylists, just 0:09:42.960 --> 0:09:48.319 I mean traveler extraordinaire Lauren Napier, who is the author 0:09:48.360 --> 0:09:51.960 of a new book, Dinner for One, which, let me 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:54.480 tell you something, the one where the eye is. I'm 0:09:54.520 --> 0:09:58.320 like smart, this is marketing. I love it. I came 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:02.440 across the book book and by a virtue of a 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:05.120 friend of mine who was just like Danielle. You have 0:10:05.200 --> 0:10:08.640 to have Lauren on your show, I mean her Instagram, 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:12.640 her life, her story is just It's one your audience 0:10:12.679 --> 0:10:16.800 will really enjoy. And like you say that you are 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:21.440 single by choice, Laura, what does that mean for you? 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:26.080 Just that single by choice? I enjoy my life as 0:10:26.240 --> 0:10:30.679 it is. I'm not constantly seeking that validation or relationship 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:35.840 that is outside of myself. I enjoy being with myself. 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:38.520 And that's something that I really learned during the pandemic 0:10:38.679 --> 0:10:43.400 is that you can really explore who you are and 0:10:43.480 --> 0:10:48.680 have a level of fulfillment with just you. And so 0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:53.280 I did that and I pursued that, and I thoroughly 0:10:53.480 --> 0:10:56.800 enjoyed the experience in every way, whether that was just 0:10:56.880 --> 0:11:01.000 like really getting in tune with my boy and understanding 0:11:01.000 --> 0:11:05.720 my body, exploring, exploring, just going exploring my thoughts on 0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:10.680 a deeper level, spending time nourishing my body a lot 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:12.560 of it. That's where the concept of dinner for one 0:11:12.679 --> 0:11:16.320 came from. Was Like I have a almost like erotic 0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:21.080 obsession with food and pleasure, and I thought like, let 0:11:21.120 --> 0:11:23.960 me just explore this, let me understand this, let me 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:27.160 let me feel all of the feelings and emotions and 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:30.680 the things that come along with like having time by myself. 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:35.320 And I think so often pre pandemic right BC, before COVID, Yeah, 0:11:35.320 --> 0:11:38.120 we all were like I just need more time, I 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:40.480 need time, time, time. And then we got this gift 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.040 of time, and then people didn't know what to do 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:45.880 with it. They felt really lonely and afraid to be 0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:48.760 by themselves and like really dig into who they were. 0:11:48.800 --> 0:11:52.199 And I mean I was like, have at it. You know, 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:55.160 It's what I did. And you know it's interesting because 0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:59.880 one of the conversations that I had a lot on 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:03.720 WOKEA f really is about the fact that people were 0:12:03.840 --> 0:12:10.880 really lonely. Depression skyrocketed, anxiety skyte for a host of reasons. 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:14.240 But I also think it is by virtue of the 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:18.280 fact that, especially in cities, we kind of live on 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:21.320 a treadmill type of life, right, I mean, that's why 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:26.760 you move into metropolitan areas, and so when you then 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:30.400 get to stop, right, And I said this a lot 0:12:30.559 --> 0:12:35.320 that I believe that for me, the pandemic was a gift, right, 0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:37.920 And I say that with a lot of privilege, having 0:12:37.960 --> 0:12:41.839 lost family members to COVID, that it was a gift 0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:46.880 because it really allowed me to stop the noise around me, 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:52.280 and it really allowed me to understand what is important. Right, 0:12:52.679 --> 0:12:55.880 Is it the likes? Is it the clicks? Is the 0:12:55.960 --> 0:12:59.439 TV hits? Or is it like my family, my friends 0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:02.960 who are who are my real friends in real circle? 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:07.360 And so for me, the time by myself and you know, 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:11.320 and I was quarantining in twenty twenty with my family. 0:13:11.960 --> 0:13:15.000 But it was so eye opening. And I love the 0:13:15.000 --> 0:13:18.400 fact that you saw it as an opportunity to delve 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:21.640 into yourself as opposed to oh my god, I'm alone, 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:23.720 and I guess I'm just gonna have popcorn and wine 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:26.640 for dinner every night. Yeah, you know, I will say this. 0:13:28.000 --> 0:13:30.560 We all are sitting here. I think a lot of 0:13:30.600 --> 0:13:34.120 us are coming from a place of privilege, right and 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:36.719 our experiences during the pandemic. So I too want to 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:39.400 say that I would be remiss or not being truthful 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:42.200 if I didn't say that I didn't experience anxiety and 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:46.600 I didn't experience like confusion, stress, loss, loneliness like I 0:13:46.640 --> 0:13:49.920 did experience some of that because I took the pandemic 0:13:49.960 --> 0:13:54.000 incredibly seriously, so I spent a lot of time alone, 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:58.120 But I think it was important. It's important to also 0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:02.400 I think I went through the confusion just like everyone 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:05.600 else did, in the shock, and of like in the intensity, 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:10.040 just like everyone else did initially, But because I find 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:13.760 myself being in tune and being comfortable with myself, it 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:17.920 was very it wasn't as hard to get into that 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:23.000 mindset and that state of mind of just relaxing, taking 0:14:23.040 --> 0:14:27.640 the moments to just really fully embrace what was happening 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:29.960 and embrace the quiet. And I've had a life that's 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:35.880 been very go go go and very intense, and so 0:14:36.160 --> 0:14:39.280 I needed to be still. I needed that and I 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:43.280 took the time to really sit in it. It's important 0:14:43.320 --> 0:14:48.520 to just sit and pull, just take advantage of the stillness. 0:14:48.680 --> 0:14:55.280 What what had this idea of you say? I think 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:57.760 it's on your website that you are a spinster by 0:14:57.840 --> 0:15:00.840 choice totally and do you say spend the right choice, 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:05.680 single by choice? What brought that about? I find that 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:10.440 society and our culture really wants us to couple up. Okay, 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:13.240 care up. And it's funny because I have a wall 0:15:13.680 --> 0:15:16.440 in my apartment. It's called the Me Gallery. It's me. 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:20.400 It's literally three huge pictures of myself. And somebody came 0:15:20.440 --> 0:15:22.320 over and was like, do you feel ever like it's 0:15:22.480 --> 0:15:25.280 arrogant to have pictures of yourself? And I thought, I said, no, 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:29.400 absolutely not, because if I were married, you would expect 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:31.880 me to have my wedding pictures, and if I had 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:35.000 a baby, you would expect me to have pictures of 0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:38.440 my child all over the place. I get up every 0:15:38.520 --> 0:15:42.680 day and I work every day, and I do all 0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:44.800 the things that I need to do for myself, and 0:15:44.840 --> 0:15:48.920 therefore I celebrate myself and I can admire myself, and 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:51.880 I could admire the work that I do and I 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:55.040 don't think that we should be criticized for that. And 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:57.160 I also don't think that we should be criticized for 0:15:57.240 --> 0:16:02.560 living our lives independently. You know, fulfillment for me is 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:08.640 not or the idea of fulfillment is not a huge family. 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:11.680 A Fulfillment for me is like getting up and being 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:13.680 able to do whatever I want to do whenever I 0:16:13.720 --> 0:16:15.680 want to do that. And I think people think that 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:19.400 that's selfish, but it's it's it's life. It's me being 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:21.320 able to live my life as I choose it, with 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:25.520 no obligation to anyone else. And I think we are 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:30.680 so we are so it's ingrained that we that we 0:16:30.760 --> 0:16:33.520 should partner up and pair up. And let me also 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:35.800 say this, I'm not saying that I want to be 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:39.600 single forever. You know, partnership is something I think that 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:42.600 by human nature, we all want. What I'm saying is, 0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:46.560 if you are single, be happy in being that until 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:49.920 you find what it is that you're looking for. Do 0:16:49.920 --> 0:16:52.440 you have to actively seek it? No, Like, you can 0:16:52.920 --> 0:16:56.720 be happy with yourself and those things will come to you. 0:16:57.080 --> 0:17:01.240 But the quest that we are so often on to 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:04.520 find that partnership, I think it's I think it's a 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:08.720 bit dangerous. It's not only as it's force fed to us. 0:17:08.720 --> 0:17:13.679 It's f fed through Hollywood, romantic comedies, sitcoms. All of 0:17:13.680 --> 0:17:16.399 these things tell us that if you were single, there's 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:18.840 something wrong. There's something wrong with you, there's there's really not. 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:20.879 When I was a kid, people would say, like, I 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:23.320 never wanted to have kids. I never wanted to have kids. 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:24.840 As a matter of fact, when I was in school, 0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:28.080 I didn't like going to school, And then as an adult, 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:30.200 I thought, if I have kids, I got to go 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:32.760 back to school with them. I don't want to do that. 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:36.440 Oh my god, that's totally used to that second half 0:17:36.520 --> 0:17:39.440 of your life in classrooms, but in a different capacity, 0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:41.560 but also dealing with the same crap, which are like 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:44.480 adults who haven't taken the time to like unlearn their 0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:48.119 bad behavior on So I don't have any desire to 0:17:48.160 --> 0:17:50.200 do that. And I have a niece and a nephew 0:17:50.480 --> 0:17:53.920 that I absolutely love and adore, and I have spent 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:59.719 a mini school plays and recitals and scrolls out all 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:01.920 of the things, and I love them. But I love 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:04.520 being able to choose when I do that. I don't 0:18:04.560 --> 0:18:06.520 want to be obligated to do that. And I feel 0:18:06.560 --> 0:18:10.120 like people the reality people like resent their kids. Yeah, 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:14.359 but that you know, because again, we don't offer the 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:18.000 space to have those conversations and to have that narrative, Like, 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:19.520 no one is ever going to ask somebody do you 0:18:19.560 --> 0:18:22.760 wish that you didn't have your kids? Right? Well, because 0:18:22.760 --> 0:18:25.159 if you say, but okay, are they honest or are 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:27.440 they like Lauren, why are you asking me that question? 0:18:27.480 --> 0:18:29.640 Of course I love my kids. I didn't ask them 0:18:29.640 --> 0:18:31.840 if they love them or not. But I have honest 0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:34.240 conversations with my friends. The one thing people used to 0:18:34.240 --> 0:18:36.000 say to me when I ask the kid was or 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:39.640 younger woman, was if you when you have kids, you'll 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:41.480 love them? And I'm like that, I don't think it 0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:44.160 is true. I don't think that that's something that's true 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:45.919 that people talk about. That's how kids end up in 0:18:45.960 --> 0:18:48.600 trash cans. Like that is the reality. That is something 0:18:48.600 --> 0:18:50.800 that we really need to discuss. And I think, you know, 0:18:50.840 --> 0:18:55.480 there's greater conversations to be had, like conversations without abortion 0:18:55.560 --> 0:18:58.800 and demonizing that and demonizing like the choices that women 0:18:58.840 --> 0:19:02.359 have to make for them selves. And I also say this, like, 0:19:02.440 --> 0:19:04.439 I don't think that for some people, abortion is a 0:19:04.440 --> 0:19:08.200 hard choice, you know, like the politics. We talk about 0:19:08.200 --> 0:19:09.960 it all the times. A hard choice. It's a hard 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:12.879 choice for some people, and some people it's a no brainer. 0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:17.240 Sometimes you just have a good time and something unfortunate 0:19:17.359 --> 0:19:21.199 takes place, you know, Like I think, and I'm saying this, 0:19:21.240 --> 0:19:23.960 and it seems very flippant, and you guys don't know 0:19:24.080 --> 0:19:26.439 me fully as an individual. So I don't want to 0:19:26.440 --> 0:19:31.239 come off as callous, um um or insensitive, but I 0:19:31.280 --> 0:19:34.440 think we really need to start having honest conversations about 0:19:34.480 --> 0:19:37.920 what our society looks like and why women feel like 0:19:37.960 --> 0:19:41.040 they the end all be all is like a marriage 0:19:41.080 --> 0:19:43.919 and kids and a family when sometimes they can Nobody 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:47.600 says that to bachelor's no, because you can be an 0:19:47.600 --> 0:19:53.520 older gentleman, right, distinguished, distinguished, older gentleman that just never 0:19:53.600 --> 0:19:56.160 wanted to be tied down. Yeah, and that is something 0:19:56.359 --> 0:19:59.600 I remember what movie is it, Something's Gotta Give with 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:04.160 Anne Keatman. She said, they write books about men who 0:20:04.160 --> 0:20:07.439 are single. They tell you show movies about men that 0:20:07.480 --> 0:20:10.960 are single. But it's the spinster, right, who is is 0:20:11.119 --> 0:20:13.040 the woman that has looked at that? It's like, oh, 0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:16.320 nobody wanted you. The definition of spinster is a real 0:20:16.480 --> 0:20:18.880 has such a negative connotation to it, and I just thought, 0:20:18.960 --> 0:20:22.520 let's change the direction and let's change that word altogether. 0:20:22.880 --> 0:20:24.760 And that's why I call myself like, I am totally 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:28.760 a spinster by choice. Um. And it's like a woman's 0:20:28.800 --> 0:20:30.320 I think it's something like it's a woman of a 0:20:30.320 --> 0:20:35.760 certain age that's no longer desired, desirable, or it's middle aged. Yeah, 0:20:35.800 --> 0:20:39.600 well I'm but middle age. I'm like, but I'm like, 0:20:39.680 --> 0:20:42.320 that's what they tell you. It's like, you know, And 0:20:42.400 --> 0:20:45.280 it was really interesting. I was I was watching another 0:20:45.280 --> 0:20:48.200 show recently with women that were over the age of 0:20:48.440 --> 0:20:50.760 sixty and they were taught, and they were with their 0:20:50.960 --> 0:20:54.440 with their daughters, Um there you know, their young daughters, 0:20:54.600 --> 0:20:57.480 and they were saying, you reach an age in society 0:20:57.480 --> 0:21:00.520 where you become invisible. Right where I could be sitting 0:21:00.680 --> 0:21:03.800 with my daughter at dinner, you know, who's in their 0:21:03.840 --> 0:21:08.280 twenties and I'm in my sixties, and no one will 0:21:08.320 --> 0:21:11.120 approach or talk to me, just to her as if 0:21:11.160 --> 0:21:14.359 I don't exist. Well, I remember very well, and I 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:17.600 will say I think I've had I land in a 0:21:17.640 --> 0:21:23.239 really interesting time, like in this life and generations of 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:25.520 people and of women and how we have evolved, Like 0:21:25.560 --> 0:21:28.560 I had Oprah as my role model. I was growing 0:21:28.600 --> 0:21:31.679 up watching Oprah who was single. Yep, you know she 0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:34.320 is single, and she's well not single, she's partnered, but 0:21:34.400 --> 0:21:37.000 she's made a very clear choice not to marry to 0:21:37.040 --> 0:21:41.320 marry um. And then I've seen women like Hallie Berry. 0:21:41.640 --> 0:21:44.200 You know, Halle Berry is beautiful and she obviously wants 0:21:44.240 --> 0:21:46.359 to be in a relationship, and she has so many 0:21:46.400 --> 0:21:48.960 things to offer, and she's this fabulous, phenomenal woman with 0:21:49.000 --> 0:21:53.040 all these accomplishments. She's been single, you know, she's she's 0:21:53.080 --> 0:21:56.600 experienced waves. You know, I think of of course, like 0:21:57.080 --> 0:21:59.840 my brain's like at a loss, but they're Tracy Ellis Ra. 0:22:00.119 --> 0:22:03.720 She's a fabulous example. Or you know, I look, there's 0:22:03.760 --> 0:22:06.879 so many different women, not just black women. No, like 0:22:07.320 --> 0:22:10.240 you mentioned Diane Keaton. Yeah she's one. But I go 0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:14.159 back to you saying women who are invisible at a 0:22:14.160 --> 0:22:16.680 certain age. I remember watching Oprah and I remember Civil 0:22:16.760 --> 0:22:22.280 Shepherd having a conversation and remember Moonlighting. Oh my god, 0:22:22.320 --> 0:22:25.119 you was the star. She was, she was themazon. She 0:22:25.200 --> 0:22:28.880 was in a whole lot of things, and she was single, 0:22:29.080 --> 0:22:31.479 and she was explaining that she was out with her 0:22:31.560 --> 0:22:35.000 daughter and men used to just fallow over themselves for her. 0:22:35.560 --> 0:22:37.800 And she was sitting with her daughter and she's like, 0:22:37.880 --> 0:22:40.119 I'm the famous one. People were supposed to know me. 0:22:40.280 --> 0:22:42.560 Nobody's looking at me, nobody's talking to me. And she 0:22:42.600 --> 0:22:45.600 found herself being envious and jealous of her daughter. And 0:22:45.640 --> 0:22:48.080 I thought to myself, what if? And I was I 0:22:48.119 --> 0:22:50.440 was maybe twelve when I was watching this. I don't 0:22:50.480 --> 0:22:53.919 know that I was young, um, but I remember that, 0:22:54.000 --> 0:22:56.600 and I just remember how how just kind of sad 0:22:56.680 --> 0:23:02.000 that was. For Yeah, how just absolutely like sad it seemed. 0:23:02.680 --> 0:23:06.760 You know. I also think too, why what you are 0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:09.240 doing and why your book is so interesting too, is 0:23:09.280 --> 0:23:13.800 because there's also another level of societal pressure that is 0:23:13.800 --> 0:23:17.239 put on black women, right, so you know what are 0:23:17.280 --> 0:23:20.720 the stories? Oh you know, you'll you'll be alone forever. 0:23:20.800 --> 0:23:23.600 Nobody wants to none of these things. And so it's 0:23:23.640 --> 0:23:27.320 like for you and the legions god willing of other 0:23:27.640 --> 0:23:29.760 women of color who are just like you know what, 0:23:30.200 --> 0:23:32.280 this is actually a choice that I'm making. And I'm 0:23:32.320 --> 0:23:35.280 not just saying that to put on like I'm making 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:38.320 a choice that society doesn't get to dictate how I 0:23:38.400 --> 0:23:41.280 live my life or if I am lovable because all 0:23:41.440 --> 0:23:45.040 of the conversations and the images that we get seen 0:23:45.200 --> 0:23:48.840 that are thrown at us are about how unlovable we are. Well, 0:23:48.880 --> 0:23:51.840 I mean, yeah, I think that that's definitely it's it's 0:23:51.960 --> 0:23:55.280 true of what society throws at us. But at the 0:23:55.359 --> 0:24:00.080 same time, I have never subscribed to that idea. But 0:24:00.119 --> 0:24:02.360 I've not subscribed to like anything I think that's really 0:24:02.359 --> 0:24:05.080