Speaker 1: This episode is sponsored by FX's Fleischman Is in Trouble,
Speaker 1: starring Jesse Eisenberg, Claire Danes, Lizzie Kaplan, and Adam Brodie.
Speaker 1: The strama tells the story of recently divorced Toby Fleischmann,
Speaker 1: who dies into the world of app based dating with
Speaker 1: the kind of success he never had in his youth.
Speaker 1: Then his ex wife disappears, leaving him with their two
Speaker 1: children and no hint of her return effectus. Fleischman is
Speaker 1: in Trouble, streaming November seventeenth only on Hulu. Good morning, peeps,
Speaker 1: and welcome to Okay after Daily with Meet Your Girl
Speaker 1: Danielle Moody recording prerecording from our studios pot Stream Studios
Speaker 1: in Times Square, Folks, I'm really excited about the conversation
Speaker 1: that you're going to listen to today with celebrities dialist,
Speaker 1: makeup artist now author of the new book Dinner for One,
Speaker 1: Lauren Napier. Lauren has a really interesting story, and what
Speaker 1: is interesting to me is that she calls herself a
Speaker 1: spinster by choice. She is somebody that has embraced her
Speaker 1: single dumb not only embraced it, but wants it right.
Speaker 1: It is not by virtue of oh, I didn't find
Speaker 1: the right person, or I've been on the hunt a
Speaker 1: long time. I think that you're going to get a
Speaker 1: lot out of this conversation with regard to how we
Speaker 1: talk about ourselves and our relationship with ourselves. For the
Speaker 1: past couple of months, right, I've been trying to bring
Speaker 1: us some more wellness into the conversations of what it
Speaker 1: means to be woke. And when I came across Lauren's book,
Speaker 1: I thought to myself, dinner for one, how fascinating, and
Speaker 1: why let me tell you a little story so you
Speaker 1: all know that I was married for a very long
Speaker 1: time and at the beginning of the pandemic. Actually, January
Speaker 1: of twenty twenty was the first time that well I
Speaker 1: had asked for a divorce, but also had moved out
Speaker 1: on my own, and I'd never lived alone before, and
Speaker 1: I know, pause for shock. The reality is is that
Speaker 1: I had gone from my parents house to college. Then
Speaker 1: after college I lived with best friends and roommates, and
Speaker 1: it wasn't until I met my ex wife that then
Speaker 1: I would move in with her. So never along that
Speaker 1: journey did I live alone. Did I even experience really
Speaker 1: what it was like to be alone because at the
Speaker 1: ripe old age of twenty three, I got into a
Speaker 1: long term relationship that would turn into a marriage. And
Speaker 1: so when I came across Lauren's book Dinner for One,
Speaker 1: it brought me back to the first several months of
Speaker 1: being alone. And now this is you know, right at
Speaker 1: the beginning of COVID, which would happen in March of
Speaker 1: twenty twenty, and it would bring me back to living
Speaker 1: at home with my parents so that we could all
Speaker 1: be together as my mother was recovering from brain surgery.
Speaker 1: But what came up for me during the first couple
Speaker 1: of months and then when I would move back to
Speaker 1: my apartment, was I had shifted my mindset about cooking
Speaker 1: for myself. You know, when I was alone, when but married,
Speaker 1: or when I wouldever find myself home alone, cooking was
Speaker 1: the last thing that was on my mind. I would
Speaker 1: order take out, or I would eat a big bowl
Speaker 1: of popcorn and wash it down with some wine, and
Speaker 1: I just it didn't feel like I was worthy to
Speaker 1: slave in the kitchen for an hour or two hours
Speaker 1: to come up with something to make. And then, by
Speaker 1: virtue of my divorce, I started to realize that I
Speaker 1: was worth the time and the effort. And so I
Speaker 1: started to make wonderful meals for myself, not because I
Speaker 1: thought somebody would be coming by, or you know, or
Speaker 1: I just decided that I was worth it. And I
Speaker 1: remember taking my first picture to send to my mom
Speaker 1: to say, look what I made today, And she was like,
Speaker 1: who is coming over? And I said, I made it
Speaker 1: for me and she said, I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 1: And I think that Lauren's book is a way for
Speaker 1: people to give permission to themselves that you are worth
Speaker 1: the time and the effort. That if you can make
Speaker 1: these elaborate meals when you have company or for your
Speaker 1: spouse or you know, a partner, significant other, then why
Speaker 1: wouldn't you put the same investment in yourself. Why do
Speaker 1: we think that when we are alone that our body
Speaker 1: should be filled with greed send nonsense because and only
Speaker 1: we're only going to go shopping and go to the
Speaker 1: food store, oh if people are coming, and so dinner
Speaker 1: for one. And the conversation that you'll listen to with Lauren,
Speaker 1: you know, was it's revolutionary if you really think about it.
Speaker 1: We sell women, and I say women in particular, we
Speaker 1: sell women a bag of fucking lies all the time.
Speaker 1: We tell women that you're desirable until you hit what
Speaker 1: thirty five, and then all of a sudden, it's you
Speaker 1: need to get married, need to have kids, and you
Speaker 1: need to hurry up and do it soon because nobody's
Speaker 1: gonna want you. Then when you approach middle age, right
Speaker 1: in your forties, then people are looking at you. And
Speaker 1: if you've never been married, or if you're married and divorce,
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, nobody wanted you, or if you get divorced,
Speaker 1: oh why did they get rid of you? It isn't
Speaker 1: about empowerment. And Lauren and I will have this conversation
Speaker 1: as it retains to men. Men can be single, they
Speaker 1: can be bachelor's forever, and they are applauded for it.
Speaker 1: Look how distinguished, Look how you know, just care free
Speaker 1: and wild this person is. But women get the title spinster.
Speaker 1: So what if you decided to own that that instead
Speaker 1: of us believing that we're just you know, waiting for
Speaker 1: that special someone to come, that we actually enjoyed our
Speaker 1: time with ourselves, that we decided that instead of reading
Speaker 1: all of the self help books about how to find
Speaker 1: this man, or think like a man, or think like
Speaker 1: a woman, or this, that and the other thing, and
Speaker 1: let me go and swipe and swipe and swipe and
Speaker 1: be validated by the likes that I'm getting or the
Speaker 1: engagement that I'm getting. What if we just learned how
Speaker 1: to like ourselves? And it sounds crazy, but this is
Speaker 1: something that for me, and I've talked about this before,
Speaker 1: that the pandemic offered. It offered me the opportunity to
Speaker 1: fall in love with myself, figure out what I like,
Speaker 1: right and why do I like it? And recognize that
Speaker 1: the thing that I feared with divorce, which was being
Speaker 1: alone and how people would perceive me. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: she now carries the label divorce. Ah. Right, that I
Speaker 1: learned to enjoy being alone, the thing that I thought
Speaker 1: that I was so afraid of, has now become one
Speaker 1: of my greatest comforts. I like walking around my home
Speaker 1: and looking at my plans, or deciding to just sit
Speaker 1: in silence or play classical music or just be without
Speaker 1: having to explain myself to another person or make time
Speaker 1: or make space. The space is just mine. And I
Speaker 1: literally go through waves of guilt where I need to
Speaker 1: remind myself that I don't need to be doing a
Speaker 1: damned thing that I can just enjoy being with myself.
Speaker 1: And I love Lauren's book. I mean, first of all,
Speaker 1: it is self published and it's the most beautiful book
Speaker 1: that I've seen. The pictures are just so vibrant and colorful.
Speaker 1: And she'll say in our interview that one of the
Speaker 1: things that got her into wanting to cook is that
Speaker 1: she wanted health and wellness. That when you're walking into
Speaker 1: the grocery store and you're seeing these bright, beautiful colors,
Speaker 1: right that you want them on your plate and you
Speaker 1: want to take them in. So, you know, folks, I
Speaker 1: think that if there's anything that you can learn or
Speaker 1: take away from the interview with Lauren, it's that we
Speaker 1: need to change the narrative that society has been feeding
Speaker 1: us about where we should or should not find value,
Speaker 1: and that it is not being single is not one step,
Speaker 1: you know, in the direction of marriage or partnership or
Speaker 1: what have you. That for some people, they're designing the
Speaker 1: life that they want, and everyone should have the opportunity
Speaker 1: to do that without having to apologize for the decisions
Speaker 1: that they make about their own life. So I hope
Speaker 1: that you enjoy the conversation with Lauren. Drop some thoughts
Speaker 1: in the comment section. Have you ever cooked a lavish,
Speaker 1: beautiful meal for yourself and if not, why has it
Speaker 1: ever crossed your mind? I'd love to hear from you,
Speaker 1: so do drop a note in the comment section, Folks.
Speaker 1: I am very excited to welcome to okay f for
Speaker 1: the very first time author, celebrity, makeup, artists, stylists, just
Speaker 1: I mean traveler extraordinaire Lauren Napier, who is the author
Speaker 1: of a new book, Dinner for One, which, let me
Speaker 1: tell you something, the one where the eye is. I'm
Speaker 1: like smart, this is marketing. I love it. I came
Speaker 1: across the book book and by a virtue of a
Speaker 1: friend of mine who was just like Danielle. You have
Speaker 1: to have Lauren on your show, I mean her Instagram,
Speaker 1: her life, her story is just It's one your audience
Speaker 1: will really enjoy. And like you say that you are
Speaker 1: single by choice, Laura, what does that mean for you?
Speaker 1: Just that single by choice? I enjoy my life as
Speaker 1: it is. I'm not constantly seeking that validation or relationship
Speaker 1: that is outside of myself. I enjoy being with myself.
Speaker 1: And that's something that I really learned during the pandemic
Speaker 1: is that you can really explore who you are and
Speaker 1: have a level of fulfillment with just you. And so
Speaker 1: I did that and I pursued that, and I thoroughly
Speaker 1: enjoyed the experience in every way, whether that was just
Speaker 1: like really getting in tune with my boy and understanding
Speaker 1: my body, exploring, exploring, just going exploring my thoughts on
Speaker 1: a deeper level, spending time nourishing my body a lot
Speaker 1: of it. That's where the concept of dinner for one
Speaker 1: came from. Was Like I have a almost like erotic
Speaker 1: obsession with food and pleasure, and I thought like, let
Speaker 1: me just explore this, let me understand this, let me
Speaker 1: let me feel all of the feelings and emotions and
Speaker 1: the things that come along with like having time by myself.
Speaker 1: And I think so often pre pandemic right BC, before COVID, Yeah,
Speaker 1: we all were like I just need more time, I
Speaker 1: need time, time, time. And then we got this gift
Speaker 1: of time, and then people didn't know what to do
Speaker 1: with it. They felt really lonely and afraid to be
Speaker 1: by themselves and like really dig into who they were.
Speaker 1: And I mean I was like, have at it. You know,
Speaker 1: It's what I did. And you know it's interesting because
Speaker 1: one of the conversations that I had a lot on
Speaker 1: WOKEA f really is about the fact that people were
Speaker 1: really lonely. Depression skyrocketed, anxiety skyte for a host of reasons.
Speaker 1: But I also think it is by virtue of the
Speaker 1: fact that, especially in cities, we kind of live on
Speaker 1: a treadmill type of life, right, I mean, that's why
Speaker 1: you move into metropolitan areas, and so when you then
Speaker 1: get to stop, right, And I said this a lot
Speaker 1: that I believe that for me, the pandemic was a gift, right,
Speaker 1: And I say that with a lot of privilege, having
Speaker 1: lost family members to COVID, that it was a gift
Speaker 1: because it really allowed me to stop the noise around me,
Speaker 1: and it really allowed me to understand what is important. Right,
Speaker 1: Is it the likes? Is it the clicks? Is the
Speaker 1: TV hits? Or is it like my family, my friends
Speaker 1: who are who are my real friends in real circle?
Speaker 1: And so for me, the time by myself and you know,
Speaker 1: and I was quarantining in twenty twenty with my family.
Speaker 1: But it was so eye opening. And I love the
Speaker 1: fact that you saw it as an opportunity to delve
Speaker 1: into yourself as opposed to oh my god, I'm alone,
Speaker 1: and I guess I'm just gonna have popcorn and wine
Speaker 1: for dinner every night. Yeah, you know, I will say this.
Speaker 1: We all are sitting here. I think a lot of
Speaker 1: us are coming from a place of privilege, right and
Speaker 1: our experiences during the pandemic. So I too want to
Speaker 1: say that I would be remiss or not being truthful
Speaker 1: if I didn't say that I didn't experience anxiety and
Speaker 1: I didn't experience like confusion, stress, loss, loneliness like I
Speaker 1: did experience some of that because I took the pandemic
Speaker 1: incredibly seriously, so I spent a lot of time alone,
Speaker 1: But I think it was important. It's important to also
Speaker 1: I think I went through the confusion just like everyone
Speaker 1: else did, in the shock, and of like in the intensity,
Speaker 1: just like everyone else did initially, But because I find
Speaker 1: myself being in tune and being comfortable with myself, it
Speaker 1: was very it wasn't as hard to get into that
Speaker 1: mindset and that state of mind of just relaxing, taking
Speaker 1: the moments to just really fully embrace what was happening
Speaker 1: and embrace the quiet. And I've had a life that's
Speaker 1: been very go go go and very intense, and so
Speaker 1: I needed to be still. I needed that and I
Speaker 1: took the time to really sit in it. It's important
Speaker 1: to just sit and pull, just take advantage of the stillness.
Speaker 1: What what had this idea of you say? I think
Speaker 1: it's on your website that you are a spinster by
Speaker 1: choice totally and do you say spend the right choice,
Speaker 1: single by choice? What brought that about? I find that
Speaker 1: society and our culture really wants us to couple up. Okay,
Speaker 1: care up. And it's funny because I have a wall
Speaker 1: in my apartment. It's called the Me Gallery. It's me.
Speaker 1: It's literally three huge pictures of myself. And somebody came
Speaker 1: over and was like, do you feel ever like it's
Speaker 1: arrogant to have pictures of yourself? And I thought, I said, no,
Speaker 1: absolutely not, because if I were married, you would expect
Speaker 1: me to have my wedding pictures, and if I had
Speaker 1: a baby, you would expect me to have pictures of
Speaker 1: my child all over the place. I get up every
Speaker 1: day and I work every day, and I do all
Speaker 1: the things that I need to do for myself, and
Speaker 1: therefore I celebrate myself and I can admire myself, and
Speaker 1: I could admire the work that I do and I
Speaker 1: don't think that we should be criticized for that. And
Speaker 1: I also don't think that we should be criticized for
Speaker 1: living our lives independently. You know, fulfillment for me is
Speaker 1: not or the idea of fulfillment is not a huge family.
Speaker 1: A Fulfillment for me is like getting up and being
Speaker 1: able to do whatever I want to do whenever I
Speaker 1: want to do that. And I think people think that
Speaker 1: that's selfish, but it's it's it's life. It's me being
Speaker 1: able to live my life as I choose it, with
Speaker 1: no obligation to anyone else. And I think we are
Speaker 1: so we are so it's ingrained that we that we
Speaker 1: should partner up and pair up. And let me also
Speaker 1: say this, I'm not saying that I want to be
Speaker 1: single forever. You know, partnership is something I think that
Speaker 1: by human nature, we all want. What I'm saying is,
Speaker 1: if you are single, be happy in being that until
Speaker 1: you find what it is that you're looking for. Do
Speaker 1: you have to actively seek it? No, Like, you can
Speaker 1: be happy with yourself and those things will come to you.
Speaker 1: But the quest that we are so often on to
Speaker 1: find that partnership, I think it's I think it's a
Speaker 1: bit dangerous. It's not only as it's force fed to us.
Speaker 1: It's f fed through Hollywood, romantic comedies, sitcoms. All of
Speaker 1: these things tell us that if you were single, there's
Speaker 1: something wrong. There's something wrong with you, there's there's really not.
Speaker 1: When I was a kid, people would say, like, I
Speaker 1: never wanted to have kids. I never wanted to have kids.
Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, when I was in school,
Speaker 1: I didn't like going to school, And then as an adult,
Speaker 1: I thought, if I have kids, I got to go
Speaker 1: back to school with them. I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's totally used to that second half
Speaker 1: of your life in classrooms, but in a different capacity,
Speaker 1: but also dealing with the same crap, which are like
Speaker 1: adults who haven't taken the time to like unlearn their
Speaker 1: bad behavior on So I don't have any desire to
Speaker 1: do that. And I have a niece and a nephew
Speaker 1: that I absolutely love and adore, and I have spent
Speaker 1: a mini school plays and recitals and scrolls out all
Speaker 1: of the things, and I love them. But I love
Speaker 1: being able to choose when I do that. I don't
Speaker 1: want to be obligated to do that. And I feel
Speaker 1: like people the reality people like resent their kids. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but that you know, because again, we don't offer the
Speaker 1: space to have those conversations and to have that narrative, Like,
Speaker 1: no one is ever going to ask somebody do you
Speaker 1: wish that you didn't have your kids? Right? Well, because
Speaker 1: if you say, but okay, are they honest or are
Speaker 1: they like Lauren, why are you asking me that question?
Speaker 1: Of course I love my kids. I didn't ask them
Speaker 1: if they love them or not. But I have honest
Speaker 1: conversations with my friends. The one thing people used to
Speaker 1: say to me when I ask the kid was or
Speaker 1: younger woman, was if you when you have kids, you'll
Speaker 1: love them? And I'm like that, I don't think it
Speaker 1: is true. I don't think that that's something that's true
Speaker 1: that people talk about. That's how kids end up in
Speaker 1: trash cans. Like that is the reality. That is something
Speaker 1: that we really need to discuss. And I think, you know,
Speaker 1: there's greater conversations to be had, like conversations without abortion
Speaker 1: and demonizing that and demonizing like the choices that women
Speaker 1: have to make for them selves. And I also say this, like,
Speaker 1: I don't think that for some people, abortion is a
Speaker 1: hard choice, you know, like the politics. We talk about
Speaker 1: it all the times. A hard choice. It's a hard
Speaker 1: choice for some people, and some people it's a no brainer.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you just have a good time and something unfortunate
Speaker 1: takes place, you know, Like I think, and I'm saying this,
Speaker 1: and it seems very flippant, and you guys don't know
Speaker 1: me fully as an individual. So I don't want to
Speaker 1: come off as callous, um um or insensitive, but I
Speaker 1: think we really need to start having honest conversations about
Speaker 1: what our society looks like and why women feel like
Speaker 1: they the end all be all is like a marriage
Speaker 1: and kids and a family when sometimes they can Nobody
Speaker 1: says that to bachelor's no, because you can be an
Speaker 1: older gentleman, right, distinguished, distinguished, older gentleman that just never
Speaker 1: wanted to be tied down. Yeah, and that is something
Speaker 1: I remember what movie is it, Something's Gotta Give with
Speaker 1: Anne Keatman. She said, they write books about men who
Speaker 1: are single. They tell you show movies about men that
Speaker 1: are single. But it's the spinster, right, who is is
Speaker 1: the woman that has looked at that? It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: nobody wanted you. The definition of spinster is a real
Speaker 1: has such a negative connotation to it, and I just thought,
Speaker 1: let's change the direction and let's change that word altogether.
Speaker 1: And that's why I call myself like, I am totally
Speaker 1: a spinster by choice. Um. And it's like a woman's
Speaker 1: I think it's something like it's a woman of a
Speaker 1: certain age that's no longer desired, desirable, or it's middle aged. Yeah,
Speaker 1: well I'm but middle age. I'm like, but I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's what they tell you. It's like, you know, And
Speaker 1: it was really interesting. I was I was watching another
Speaker 1: show recently with women that were over the age of
Speaker 1: sixty and they were taught, and they were with their
Speaker 1: with their daughters, Um there you know, their young daughters,
Speaker 1: and they were saying, you reach an age in society
Speaker 1: where you become invisible. Right where I could be sitting
Speaker 1: with my daughter at dinner, you know, who's in their
Speaker 1: twenties and I'm in my sixties, and no one will
Speaker 1: approach or talk to me, just to her as if
Speaker 1: I don't exist. Well, I remember very well, and I
Speaker 1: will say I think I've had I land in a
Speaker 1: really interesting time, like in this life and generations of
Speaker 1: people and of women and how we have evolved, Like
Speaker 1: I had Oprah as my role model. I was growing
Speaker 1: up watching Oprah who was single. Yep, you know she
Speaker 1: is single, and she's well not single, she's partnered, but
Speaker 1: she's made a very clear choice not to marry to
Speaker 1: marry um. And then I've seen women like Hallie Berry.
Speaker 1: You know, Halle Berry is beautiful and she obviously wants
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, and she has so many
Speaker 1: things to offer, and she's this fabulous, phenomenal woman with
Speaker 1: all these accomplishments. She's been single, you know, she's she's
Speaker 1: experienced waves. You know, I think of of course, like
Speaker 1: my brain's like at a loss, but they're Tracy Ellis Ra.
Speaker 1: She's a fabulous example. Or you know, I look, there's
Speaker 1: so many different women, not just black women. No, like
Speaker 1: you mentioned Diane Keaton. Yeah she's one. But I go
Speaker 1: back to you saying women who are invisible at a
Speaker 1: certain age. I remember watching Oprah and I remember Civil
Speaker 1: Shepherd having a conversation and remember Moonlighting. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: you was the star. She was, she was themazon. She
Speaker 1: was in a whole lot of things, and she was single,
Speaker 1: and she was explaining that she was out with her
Speaker 1: daughter and men used to just fallow over themselves for her.
Speaker 1: And she was sitting with her daughter and she's like,
Speaker 1: I'm the famous one. People were supposed to know me.
Speaker 1: Nobody's looking at me, nobody's talking to me. And she
Speaker 1: found herself being envious and jealous of her daughter. And
Speaker 1: I thought to myself, what if? And I was I
Speaker 1: was maybe twelve when I was watching this. I don't
Speaker 1: know that I was young, um, but I remember that,
Speaker 1: and I just remember how how just kind of sad
Speaker 1: that was. For Yeah, how just absolutely like sad it seemed.
Speaker 1: You know. I also think too, why what you are
Speaker 1: doing and why your book is so interesting too, is
Speaker 1: because there's also another level of societal pressure that is
Speaker 1: put on black women, right, so you know what are
Speaker 1: the stories? Oh you know, you'll you'll be alone forever.
Speaker 1: Nobody wants to none of these things. And so it's
Speaker 1: like for you and the legions god willing of other
Speaker 1: women of color who are just like you know what,
Speaker 1: this is actually a choice that I'm making. And I'm
Speaker 1: not just saying that to put on like I'm making
Speaker 1: a choice that society doesn't get to dictate how I
Speaker 1: live my life or if I am lovable because all
Speaker 1: of the conversations and the images that we get seen
Speaker 1: that are thrown at us are about how unlovable we are. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I think that that's definitely it's it's
Speaker 1: true of what society throws at us. But at the
Speaker 1: same time, I have never subscribed to that idea. But
Speaker 1: I've not subscribed to like anything I think that's really
Speaker 1: conventional or traditional m And I think you have to
Speaker 1: be okay with that, You have to be okay with
Speaker 1: not subscribing to those things. It's it's hard though for
Speaker 1: black women, I think, and I don't want to speak
Speaker 1: for all of us, no, I can speak for me.
Speaker 1: We're we are faced with a lot of challenges and
Speaker 1: we're faced with a lot of imagery that is one
Speaker 1: either that we're unlovable, or we're oversexualized, or we're just
Speaker 1: like aggressive, strong, independent and don't want love and don't
Speaker 1: want that nurturing and that our standards are too high
Speaker 1: and you just need to And the situation I want
Speaker 1: to say is that you know, black women are the
Speaker 1: most educated demographic in the country. We are, you know,
Speaker 1: while albeit there's the economic disparities with you know, equal pay,
Speaker 1: which what was that two days ago, correct, yesterday, we're
Speaker 1: experiencing we deserve all of the things that we want,
Speaker 1: and for so long we've been told that we don't
Speaker 1: deserve them. And for I've just always been of the
Speaker 1: mind that you create what you want for yourself, and
Speaker 1: that's what I continue to do. That's just the philosophy
Speaker 1: and ideals that I subscribe to. It's like, I will
Speaker 1: create the things that I want for myself, and if
Speaker 1: that involves another person, then they're very lucky to get
Speaker 1: to enjoy this space with me because I've created such
Speaker 1: a beautiful life I can tell you that. So I
Speaker 1: am recently divorced, and I say recent, it's been probably
Speaker 1: two years, right, But I was married for fifteen and
Speaker 1: one of the things that kept me in a relationship
Speaker 1: that I knew was not what I needed it to
Speaker 1: be as it was as it was ending, was the
Speaker 1: fear of being a divorcee. Was that I I mean
Speaker 1: I was. I have been in therapy, right. My therapist
Speaker 1: is wonderful and literally helped me through getting to the
Speaker 1: other side of that feeling and that fear. But it
Speaker 1: was just like I felt like a failure. Right, how
Speaker 1: do you go about creating this life and then it
Speaker 1: doesn't work out, right, and then now you're starting over
Speaker 1: in this new decade and this new time, and the
Speaker 1: title that you have is divorced, say, and I really
Speaker 1: like I took it to heart. I kept saying, who
Speaker 1: is going to want to date me? Right? I don't
Speaker 1: even have like, there are no kids, there's no nothing.
Speaker 1: But it was it was the And I think about
Speaker 1: it now two years later, and I'm just like, why
Speaker 1: did I think that my mother was divorced and and
Speaker 1: married my wonderful stepfather. And so it's not as if
Speaker 1: I didn't have models for what life looks like after divorce, right,
Speaker 1: or for those that don't remarry, because I have no
Speaker 1: desire to, right. But it's just like the weight that
Speaker 1: I carried, the embarrassment. And I think that it's similarly
Speaker 1: for some women who don't see them selves in the
Speaker 1: way that you do, which is like, no, I love this,
Speaker 1: I love my life. I think that again, you reach
Speaker 1: a certain age and people are like, well, okay, if
Speaker 1: you're divorced, that means that somebody wanted you at some point, right,
Speaker 1: and it just didn't work out. And if you are
Speaker 1: single this entire time you really are looked at is
Speaker 1: if you have a problem, you are. I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to people will listen to this and they'll
Speaker 1: hear me talk and they'll you know, make this assumption
Speaker 1: that I'm very selfish or self centered, and that's not
Speaker 1: really the case. And so I want to also just
Speaker 1: it's not that that women should look at themselves if
Speaker 1: they're single, that they are unlovable, but that that's what
Speaker 1: society is going to say. That's not the case. Again,
Speaker 1: We've got to shift the narrative and shift the conversation.
Speaker 1: Is that what you wanted is something for yourself, and
Speaker 1: that's what you're creating. You are creating exactly what you want.
Speaker 1: I know that there's the the feet, not the I
Speaker 1: guess it is fear. It's a fear of yes, being
Speaker 1: called divorced. But I you know, it's hard for me
Speaker 1: to speak to that. I grew up in a household
Speaker 1: with a mother who was divorced as well. She also remarried,
Speaker 1: but she was from an era where that was a choice.
Speaker 1: That was a choice you needed to you needed to
Speaker 1: be married, you know, in order to feel fulfilled as
Speaker 1: a human being. And I think that's what we need
Speaker 1: to get beyond is that you are you can be
Speaker 1: fulfilled as a human being, as one person, as an individual.
Speaker 1: I think about my friends who are unmarried, and I've
Speaker 1: seen very healthy marriages, and I've also seen very unhealthy marriages.
Speaker 1: I've also experienced loss with friends and family too, of
Speaker 1: their partners and spouses. It's hard. That's hard, and that's
Speaker 1: that's a completely different conversation that you have to have.
Speaker 1: But I will say this, this is why I wrote
Speaker 1: the book and why I created it because I am
Speaker 1: a single woman um and I'm single by choice. My
Speaker 1: sister during the pandemic got divorced, and my mother during
Speaker 1: the pandemic lost her husband to COVID, So all three
Speaker 1: of us are single for three very different reasons. And
Speaker 1: what I discovered in the conversations that I kept having
Speaker 1: with between my sister and between my mother was that
Speaker 1: we have to embrace, albeit as challenging and as difficult
Speaker 1: as it is for each one of us individually, because
Speaker 1: we were all having this like very crazy collective COVID experience,
Speaker 1: but we also are having unique experiences, and for each
Speaker 1: one of us, we were doing it alone, and we
Speaker 1: were doing it alone for the first time, and the
Speaker 1: goal was to tap into ourselves and enjoy and learn
Speaker 1: and discover and be okay and forgive whatever it was
Speaker 1: that we were going through so that we could be
Speaker 1: okay as ourselves, as individuals, as one person, because if
Speaker 1: you're not okay with yourself, then you don't have the
Speaker 1: ability to move forward, you know. And that's that was
Speaker 1: the conversation that that just it just kept coming to me,
Speaker 1: you know. And there's so much more that we can
Speaker 1: get into. I mean, but you don't, yeah, because I'm saying,
Speaker 1: like the thing that I find too again from for
Speaker 1: this time for me during COVID. So I'm similar to
Speaker 1: your sister, right. It was, you know, the beginning of
Speaker 1: twenty twenty, I moved out on my own for the
Speaker 1: very first time as a grown ass woman. UM never
Speaker 1: lived alone because went to college, had roommates. Then you know,
Speaker 1: fell in love and then moved in together and that
Speaker 1: was life for fifteen years. And I think that what
Speaker 1: is really important and it and it sounds cliche, It
Speaker 1: sounds like those spiritual memes that are sent around that
Speaker 1: I love, but that UM that are about like you
Speaker 1: really do have to love yourself. You really do have
Speaker 1: to take care of yourself. And it's why you know
Speaker 1: your book just the pictures of let's talk about the
Speaker 1: pictures and how beautiful. So how did it? How did
Speaker 1: it start? That? You said? I mean, again, I love
Speaker 1: the way that you think, and I love your mindset.
Speaker 1: But there are other people right who for them. If
Speaker 1: I'm having dinner alone, I'm getting chopsticks and I'm eating
Speaker 1: out of the out of the box. If I'm eating
Speaker 1: dinner alone, maybe I'm not having dinner. Maybe I'm having
Speaker 1: a kind bar and I'm going to bed. And I
Speaker 1: was like that until I started to sit with myself
Speaker 1: and think about why am I not worth the effort
Speaker 1: in the time that I would put in for other people?
Speaker 1: And this that was my journey through twenty through twenty twenty,
Speaker 1: was well, now I am going to be cooking for
Speaker 1: myself right, Um, friends may or may not come through,
Speaker 1: But so am I to eat popcorn for the rest
Speaker 1: of it? Because that was when I say that, because
Speaker 1: that was my go to food. But I so for me,
Speaker 1: it's like I looked at the pictures and I said,
Speaker 1: this is gorgeous. You are worth that you are. I mean,
Speaker 1: here's the thing. Every night I'm already a person who
Speaker 1: enjoys food and experience and esthetics like that is my vibe.
Speaker 1: I'm like a wellness person. I'm a makeup artist. I
Speaker 1: live in New York City, Like my senses are constantly
Speaker 1: being stimulated. And what I felt was because we could not,
Speaker 1: we were not experiencing that in the same way. I
Speaker 1: was not going to deprive myself of that experience. And again,
Speaker 1: that's what I want everyone to do, is never deprive
Speaker 1: yourself of something that is good for you and feels good.
Speaker 1: This was something that was impacting my mental health, my
Speaker 1: physical health, just all of those things. And I thought,
Speaker 1: I will create an experience. There's one thing that I
Speaker 1: have to do every single day, that's one thing that
Speaker 1: we all have to do every single day, and that's
Speaker 1: nourish ourselves, feed ourselves and eat. And I thought, I
Speaker 1: will take the time every day to do this very
Speaker 1: kind thing. I always had a flower arrangement because nothing
Speaker 1: makes me happier than like flowers and beautiful balloon arrangements.
Speaker 1: But couldn't do the balloons every day, but I was
Speaker 1: able to do flowers. And you guys, I think too.
Speaker 1: I'm a whole food shopper. Okay, flowers or like seven
Speaker 1: dollars a bunch. If you can do that for yourself,
Speaker 1: do it. They last all week. It's something that's really
Speaker 1: just a gift to yourself. It's something living, it's something breathing.
Speaker 1: It's something colorful and beautiful that you can bring into
Speaker 1: your environment, into your home space. So that was where
Speaker 1: I started. But the next thing was to create something
Speaker 1: that tasted good that also had some nutritional value to it.
Speaker 1: I again am beauty and wellness person. I'm also over forty,
Speaker 1: so it was important for me to be eating healthy,
Speaker 1: but to be feeling like what I was eating was
Speaker 1: really tasty and yummy, and I could feel the flavors
Speaker 1: and experience the flavors, and um, I'm Southern, so I
Speaker 1: can cook cook, you know, I cook cook and food
Speaker 1: food and food food. And so I was giving peach cobbler.
Speaker 1: I was giving like all the different foods, but I
Speaker 1: was doing it in a healthy way, a way that
Speaker 1: was centered around like portion control and also respecting relationships
Speaker 1: with food. Like my mother, my grandmother grew up during
Speaker 1: the depression era, so she likes to buy like canned foods,
Speaker 1: and those were my That's how I learned how to cook.
Speaker 1: But I also was able to incorporate the things that
Speaker 1: I know now about wellness and well being and taking
Speaker 1: care of yourself fresh foods and how that impacts your
Speaker 1: skin and how that impacts your different organs and you know,
Speaker 1: all of those things, and incorporate that into the recipes.
Speaker 1: So I did that, and I ate colorful foods and delicious,
Speaker 1: delectable meals that I could I just can't. I just
Speaker 1: consume them, right, It's just everything about them. I was
Speaker 1: experiencing the food. So I allowed myself to have an
Speaker 1: experience against every night, and that's what was important to me.
Speaker 1: I had to do that for myself to survive this
Speaker 1: whole experience. But what it did was it just taught me,
Speaker 1: like you, when you take care of yourself, you feel good,
Speaker 1: you know, like so you feel good. And so I
Speaker 1: think that is what has allowed me to one come
Speaker 1: out on the other side of the pandemic mentally like
Speaker 1: saying healthy and then physically healthy as well. But I,
Speaker 1: like I said, I have this obsession with food and
Speaker 1: I just love it, and I feel like with every
Speaker 1: bite there's so much level of satisfaction that you get
Speaker 1: from food and from consuming something that just tastes so
Speaker 1: good and something that you've created for yourself. So that's
Speaker 1: the concept. I mean, it's beautiful. So at the end
Speaker 1: of my shows, which I've been trying to do because
Speaker 1: I rage against the machine all day, I've been trying
Speaker 1: to do a woke moment of wellness, right, So, because
Speaker 1: I actually have a wellness expert with me, what would
Speaker 1: you what what advice do you give to people that
Speaker 1: are still maybe at the beginning stages of this self
Speaker 1: care of their self care journey, about how to make
Speaker 1: it consistent, about how about why, especially now in the
Speaker 1: times that we're living in that are so unstable, that
Speaker 1: are so so tenuous on our mental health. What advice
Speaker 1: do you give for them? One thing I can say
Speaker 1: is uncertainty is certain. Like if you can accept the
Speaker 1: fact that you won't have the answer to everything, the
Speaker 1: plans that you made might change, I think it's easier
Speaker 1: to accept it, and I think it's easier to process it.
Speaker 1: And then I think, don't be so hard on yourself.
Speaker 1: If you can practice steps of wellness, they lead to
Speaker 1: greater steps of wellness, you know, And I think too
Speaker 1: for a lot of us, we don't know everything for
Speaker 1: all of us. We don't know everything, but when it
Speaker 1: comes to wellness and when it comes to like health,
Speaker 1: we're all learning and we have to learn. It's incremental
Speaker 1: progress of what works for you. So try things, but
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to try, and don't be afraid to fail.
Speaker 1: Nobody knows everything all at once, and you don't have
Speaker 1: the anthraveld one. So I just I think it seems
Speaker 1: like my wellness is very regimented. It's not. It's very casual,
Speaker 1: but it's casual because I've slowly implemented into my full lifestyle.
Speaker 1: And I think that's what that's what we have to do,
Speaker 1: is not be hard on ourselves, but slowly implemented to
Speaker 1: where it just becomes something that you do for yourself
Speaker 1: every day, Like making dinner for myself every day that was,
Speaker 1: you know, colorful and healthy and became second nature. Folks,
Speaker 1: You're worth the time and the beauty and the self care. Lauren,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining okay at Folks. The
Speaker 1: book is Dinner for One, go get it. People loved
Speaker 1: it so much that you were back ordered yet so
Speaker 1: now and so but but I couldn't believe it. You
Speaker 1: guys so well it's self published, which I think is
Speaker 1: a feat in itself because I've never the venture that
Speaker 1: I've never ventured out on. But people bought it like crazy,
Speaker 1: and the printer ran out of ink. I didn't know,
Speaker 1: like there's supply chain issues everywhere, specific color for the book,
Speaker 1: so I had to wait. Everybody had to wait. So
Speaker 1: you know, order it, get your copy, yeah, and follow
Speaker 1: you on, tell them on all the socials. I have
Speaker 1: a very very quiet following on Twitter, but I follow
Speaker 1: everybody else. It's so good. But it's Lauren Napier on Twitter,
Speaker 1: it's Lauren Napier on Instagram or Lauren Napier Beauty where
Speaker 1: you can find like all of the wellness things, and
Speaker 1: then the book is at Lauren Napier dot com. So
Speaker 1: super easy. It's all in the same place. Wonderful. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for having me, Thank you for joining.
Speaker 1: Appreciate measure. Thank you as always, dear friends. Power to
Speaker 1: the people and to all the people. Power, get woke
Speaker 1: and stay woke as fuck.