1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,720 Speaker 1: This episode is sponsored by FX's Fleischman Is in Trouble, 2 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:09,399 Speaker 1: starring Jesse Eisenberg, Claire Danes, Lizzie Kaplan, and Adam Brodie. 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,639 Speaker 1: The strama tells the story of recently divorced Toby Fleischmann, 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,320 Speaker 1: who dies into the world of app based dating with 5 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:17,360 Speaker 1: the kind of success he never had in his youth. 6 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,280 Speaker 1: Then his ex wife disappears, leaving him with their two 7 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,880 Speaker 1: children and no hint of her return effectus. Fleischman is 8 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:43,000 Speaker 1: in Trouble, streaming November seventeenth only on Hulu. Good morning, peeps, 9 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 1: and welcome to Okay after Daily with Meet Your Girl 10 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:52,519 Speaker 1: Danielle Moody recording prerecording from our studios pot Stream Studios 11 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 1: in Times Square, Folks, I'm really excited about the conversation 12 00:00:55,960 --> 00:01:00,640 Speaker 1: that you're going to listen to today with celebrities dialist, 13 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: makeup artist now author of the new book Dinner for One, 14 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: Lauren Napier. Lauren has a really interesting story, and what 15 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,640 Speaker 1: is interesting to me is that she calls herself a 16 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 1: spinster by choice. She is somebody that has embraced her 17 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 1: single dumb not only embraced it, but wants it right. 18 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 1: It is not by virtue of oh, I didn't find 19 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,480 Speaker 1: the right person, or I've been on the hunt a 20 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,520 Speaker 1: long time. I think that you're going to get a 21 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,720 Speaker 1: lot out of this conversation with regard to how we 22 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:39,120 Speaker 1: talk about ourselves and our relationship with ourselves. For the 23 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:43,040 Speaker 1: past couple of months, right, I've been trying to bring 24 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: us some more wellness into the conversations of what it 25 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,560 Speaker 1: means to be woke. And when I came across Lauren's book, 26 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 1: I thought to myself, dinner for one, how fascinating, and 27 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 1: why let me tell you a little story so you 28 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,440 Speaker 1: all know that I was married for a very long 29 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,560 Speaker 1: time and at the beginning of the pandemic. Actually, January 30 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:09,080 Speaker 1: of twenty twenty was the first time that well I 31 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: had asked for a divorce, but also had moved out 32 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:16,520 Speaker 1: on my own, and I'd never lived alone before, and 33 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,840 Speaker 1: I know, pause for shock. The reality is is that 34 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: I had gone from my parents house to college. Then 35 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 1: after college I lived with best friends and roommates, and 36 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,079 Speaker 1: it wasn't until I met my ex wife that then 37 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 1: I would move in with her. So never along that 38 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:37,680 Speaker 1: journey did I live alone. Did I even experience really 39 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,680 Speaker 1: what it was like to be alone because at the 40 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: ripe old age of twenty three, I got into a 41 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,359 Speaker 1: long term relationship that would turn into a marriage. And 42 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:52,519 Speaker 1: so when I came across Lauren's book Dinner for One, 43 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:57,840 Speaker 1: it brought me back to the first several months of 44 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,639 Speaker 1: being alone. And now this is you know, right at 45 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: the beginning of COVID, which would happen in March of 46 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 1: twenty twenty, and it would bring me back to living 47 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,520 Speaker 1: at home with my parents so that we could all 48 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,160 Speaker 1: be together as my mother was recovering from brain surgery. 49 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 1: But what came up for me during the first couple 50 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 1: of months and then when I would move back to 51 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:24,239 Speaker 1: my apartment, was I had shifted my mindset about cooking 52 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 1: for myself. You know, when I was alone, when but married, 53 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:32,640 Speaker 1: or when I wouldever find myself home alone, cooking was 54 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 1: the last thing that was on my mind. I would 55 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 1: order take out, or I would eat a big bowl 56 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:42,400 Speaker 1: of popcorn and wash it down with some wine, and 57 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:47,600 Speaker 1: I just it didn't feel like I was worthy to 58 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:52,080 Speaker 1: slave in the kitchen for an hour or two hours 59 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 1: to come up with something to make. And then, by 60 00:03:55,960 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 1: virtue of my divorce, I started to realize that I 61 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,560 Speaker 1: was worth the time and the effort. And so I 62 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: started to make wonderful meals for myself, not because I 63 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: thought somebody would be coming by, or you know, or 64 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:17,760 Speaker 1: I just decided that I was worth it. And I 65 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,440 Speaker 1: remember taking my first picture to send to my mom 66 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,280 Speaker 1: to say, look what I made today, And she was like, 67 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,760 Speaker 1: who is coming over? And I said, I made it 68 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 1: for me and she said, I'm so proud of you. 69 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 1: And I think that Lauren's book is a way for 70 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:40,039 Speaker 1: people to give permission to themselves that you are worth 71 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,680 Speaker 1: the time and the effort. That if you can make 72 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:46,599 Speaker 1: these elaborate meals when you have company or for your 73 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,800 Speaker 1: spouse or you know, a partner, significant other, then why 74 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:55,400 Speaker 1: wouldn't you put the same investment in yourself. Why do 75 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,160 Speaker 1: we think that when we are alone that our body 76 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:02,800 Speaker 1: should be filled with greed send nonsense because and only 77 00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:05,600 Speaker 1: we're only going to go shopping and go to the 78 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 1: food store, oh if people are coming, and so dinner 79 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,599 Speaker 1: for one. And the conversation that you'll listen to with Lauren, 80 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 1: you know, was it's revolutionary if you really think about it. 81 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 1: We sell women, and I say women in particular, we 82 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:26,240 Speaker 1: sell women a bag of fucking lies all the time. 83 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:31,240 Speaker 1: We tell women that you're desirable until you hit what 84 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 1: thirty five, and then all of a sudden, it's you 85 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,359 Speaker 1: need to get married, need to have kids, and you 86 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,560 Speaker 1: need to hurry up and do it soon because nobody's 87 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 1: gonna want you. Then when you approach middle age, right 88 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,680 Speaker 1: in your forties, then people are looking at you. And 89 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,640 Speaker 1: if you've never been married, or if you're married and divorce, 90 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:53,359 Speaker 1: it's like, oh, nobody wanted you, or if you get divorced, 91 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: oh why did they get rid of you? It isn't 92 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 1: about empowerment. And Lauren and I will have this conversation 93 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,560 Speaker 1: as it retains to men. Men can be single, they 94 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,760 Speaker 1: can be bachelor's forever, and they are applauded for it. 95 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,400 Speaker 1: Look how distinguished, Look how you know, just care free 96 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 1: and wild this person is. But women get the title spinster. 97 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: So what if you decided to own that that instead 98 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 1: of us believing that we're just you know, waiting for 99 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: that special someone to come, that we actually enjoyed our 100 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:31,919 Speaker 1: time with ourselves, that we decided that instead of reading 101 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,559 Speaker 1: all of the self help books about how to find 102 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,560 Speaker 1: this man, or think like a man, or think like 103 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,359 Speaker 1: a woman, or this, that and the other thing, and 104 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 1: let me go and swipe and swipe and swipe and 105 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:43,359 Speaker 1: be validated by the likes that I'm getting or the 106 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,960 Speaker 1: engagement that I'm getting. What if we just learned how 107 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:51,479 Speaker 1: to like ourselves? And it sounds crazy, but this is 108 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:54,600 Speaker 1: something that for me, and I've talked about this before, 109 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:59,279 Speaker 1: that the pandemic offered. It offered me the opportunity to 110 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:03,360 Speaker 1: fall in love with myself, figure out what I like, 111 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,599 Speaker 1: right and why do I like it? And recognize that 112 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 1: the thing that I feared with divorce, which was being 113 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,960 Speaker 1: alone and how people would perceive me. Oh my god, 114 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 1: she now carries the label divorce. Ah. Right, that I 115 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:25,480 Speaker 1: learned to enjoy being alone, the thing that I thought 116 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,600 Speaker 1: that I was so afraid of, has now become one 117 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 1: of my greatest comforts. I like walking around my home 118 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: and looking at my plans, or deciding to just sit 119 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 1: in silence or play classical music or just be without 120 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: having to explain myself to another person or make time 121 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 1: or make space. The space is just mine. And I 122 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,920 Speaker 1: literally go through waves of guilt where I need to 123 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 1: remind myself that I don't need to be doing a 124 00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:01,080 Speaker 1: damned thing that I can just enjoy being with myself. 125 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 1: And I love Lauren's book. I mean, first of all, 126 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 1: it is self published and it's the most beautiful book 127 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:11,960 Speaker 1: that I've seen. The pictures are just so vibrant and colorful. 128 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 1: And she'll say in our interview that one of the 129 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:18,240 Speaker 1: things that got her into wanting to cook is that 130 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:23,000 Speaker 1: she wanted health and wellness. That when you're walking into 131 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,640 Speaker 1: the grocery store and you're seeing these bright, beautiful colors, 132 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,720 Speaker 1: right that you want them on your plate and you 133 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,440 Speaker 1: want to take them in. So, you know, folks, I 134 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:36,400 Speaker 1: think that if there's anything that you can learn or 135 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,800 Speaker 1: take away from the interview with Lauren, it's that we 136 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: need to change the narrative that society has been feeding 137 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:47,679 Speaker 1: us about where we should or should not find value, 138 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:53,559 Speaker 1: and that it is not being single is not one step, 139 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 1: you know, in the direction of marriage or partnership or 140 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: what have you. That for some people, they're designing the 141 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,040 Speaker 1: life that they want, and everyone should have the opportunity 142 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 1: to do that without having to apologize for the decisions 143 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:09,960 Speaker 1: that they make about their own life. So I hope 144 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,480 Speaker 1: that you enjoy the conversation with Lauren. Drop some thoughts 145 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 1: in the comment section. Have you ever cooked a lavish, 146 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: beautiful meal for yourself and if not, why has it 147 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: ever crossed your mind? I'd love to hear from you, 148 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:31,440 Speaker 1: so do drop a note in the comment section, Folks. 149 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 1: I am very excited to welcome to okay f for 150 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:42,600 Speaker 1: the very first time author, celebrity, makeup, artists, stylists, just 151 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:48,319 Speaker 1: I mean traveler extraordinaire Lauren Napier, who is the author 152 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,960 Speaker 1: of a new book, Dinner for One, which, let me 153 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: tell you something, the one where the eye is. I'm 154 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:58,320 Speaker 1: like smart, this is marketing. I love it. I came 155 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:02,440 Speaker 1: across the book book and by a virtue of a 156 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,120 Speaker 1: friend of mine who was just like Danielle. You have 157 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,640 Speaker 1: to have Lauren on your show, I mean her Instagram, 158 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:12,640 Speaker 1: her life, her story is just It's one your audience 159 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: will really enjoy. And like you say that you are 160 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: single by choice, Laura, what does that mean for you? 161 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:26,080 Speaker 1: Just that single by choice? I enjoy my life as 162 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,679 Speaker 1: it is. I'm not constantly seeking that validation or relationship 163 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:35,840 Speaker 1: that is outside of myself. I enjoy being with myself. 164 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 1: And that's something that I really learned during the pandemic 165 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: is that you can really explore who you are and 166 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:48,680 Speaker 1: have a level of fulfillment with just you. And so 167 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 1: I did that and I pursued that, and I thoroughly 168 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,800 Speaker 1: enjoyed the experience in every way, whether that was just 169 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: like really getting in tune with my boy and understanding 170 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:05,720 Speaker 1: my body, exploring, exploring, just going exploring my thoughts on 171 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:10,680 Speaker 1: a deeper level, spending time nourishing my body a lot 172 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,560 Speaker 1: of it. That's where the concept of dinner for one 173 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:16,320 Speaker 1: came from. Was Like I have a almost like erotic 174 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:21,080 Speaker 1: obsession with food and pleasure, and I thought like, let 175 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,960 Speaker 1: me just explore this, let me understand this, let me 176 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 1: let me feel all of the feelings and emotions and 177 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,680 Speaker 1: the things that come along with like having time by myself. 178 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:35,320 Speaker 1: And I think so often pre pandemic right BC, before COVID, Yeah, 179 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 1: we all were like I just need more time, I 180 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,480 Speaker 1: need time, time, time. And then we got this gift 181 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,040 Speaker 1: of time, and then people didn't know what to do 182 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 1: with it. They felt really lonely and afraid to be 183 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 1: by themselves and like really dig into who they were. 184 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,199 Speaker 1: And I mean I was like, have at it. You know, 185 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 1: It's what I did. And you know it's interesting because 186 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,880 Speaker 1: one of the conversations that I had a lot on 187 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,720 Speaker 1: WOKEA f really is about the fact that people were 188 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:10,880 Speaker 1: really lonely. Depression skyrocketed, anxiety skyte for a host of reasons. 189 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 1: But I also think it is by virtue of the 190 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:18,280 Speaker 1: fact that, especially in cities, we kind of live on 191 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: a treadmill type of life, right, I mean, that's why 192 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 1: you move into metropolitan areas, and so when you then 193 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 1: get to stop, right, And I said this a lot 194 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:35,320 Speaker 1: that I believe that for me, the pandemic was a gift, right, 195 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: And I say that with a lot of privilege, having 196 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,839 Speaker 1: lost family members to COVID, that it was a gift 197 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:46,880 Speaker 1: because it really allowed me to stop the noise around me, 198 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:52,280 Speaker 1: and it really allowed me to understand what is important. Right, 199 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 1: Is it the likes? Is it the clicks? Is the 200 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,439 Speaker 1: TV hits? Or is it like my family, my friends 201 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:02,960 Speaker 1: who are who are my real friends in real circle? 202 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,360 Speaker 1: And so for me, the time by myself and you know, 203 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:11,320 Speaker 1: and I was quarantining in twenty twenty with my family. 204 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,000 Speaker 1: But it was so eye opening. And I love the 205 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:18,400 Speaker 1: fact that you saw it as an opportunity to delve 206 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: into yourself as opposed to oh my god, I'm alone, 207 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:23,720 Speaker 1: and I guess I'm just gonna have popcorn and wine 208 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,640 Speaker 1: for dinner every night. Yeah, you know, I will say this. 209 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,560 Speaker 1: We all are sitting here. I think a lot of 210 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,120 Speaker 1: us are coming from a place of privilege, right and 211 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,719 Speaker 1: our experiences during the pandemic. So I too want to 212 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:39,400 Speaker 1: say that I would be remiss or not being truthful 213 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,200 Speaker 1: if I didn't say that I didn't experience anxiety and 214 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,600 Speaker 1: I didn't experience like confusion, stress, loss, loneliness like I 215 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 1: did experience some of that because I took the pandemic 216 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 1: incredibly seriously, so I spent a lot of time alone, 217 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 1: But I think it was important. It's important to also 218 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: I think I went through the confusion just like everyone 219 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,600 Speaker 1: else did, in the shock, and of like in the intensity, 220 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 1: just like everyone else did initially, But because I find 221 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 1: myself being in tune and being comfortable with myself, it 222 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 1: was very it wasn't as hard to get into that 223 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 1: mindset and that state of mind of just relaxing, taking 224 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:27,640 Speaker 1: the moments to just really fully embrace what was happening 225 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,960 Speaker 1: and embrace the quiet. And I've had a life that's 226 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:35,880 Speaker 1: been very go go go and very intense, and so 227 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,280 Speaker 1: I needed to be still. I needed that and I 228 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:43,280 Speaker 1: took the time to really sit in it. It's important 229 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:48,520 Speaker 1: to just sit and pull, just take advantage of the stillness. 230 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 1: What what had this idea of you say? I think 231 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,760 Speaker 1: it's on your website that you are a spinster by 232 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,840 Speaker 1: choice totally and do you say spend the right choice, 233 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:05,680 Speaker 1: single by choice? What brought that about? I find that 234 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:10,440 Speaker 1: society and our culture really wants us to couple up. Okay, 235 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,240 Speaker 1: care up. And it's funny because I have a wall 236 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 1: in my apartment. It's called the Me Gallery. It's me. 237 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 1: It's literally three huge pictures of myself. And somebody came 238 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 1: over and was like, do you feel ever like it's 239 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,280 Speaker 1: arrogant to have pictures of yourself? And I thought, I said, no, 240 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:29,400 Speaker 1: absolutely not, because if I were married, you would expect 241 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,880 Speaker 1: me to have my wedding pictures, and if I had 242 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,000 Speaker 1: a baby, you would expect me to have pictures of 243 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,440 Speaker 1: my child all over the place. I get up every 244 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: day and I work every day, and I do all 245 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,800 Speaker 1: the things that I need to do for myself, and 246 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 1: therefore I celebrate myself and I can admire myself, and 247 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,880 Speaker 1: I could admire the work that I do and I 248 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,040 Speaker 1: don't think that we should be criticized for that. And 249 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,160 Speaker 1: I also don't think that we should be criticized for 250 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 1: living our lives independently. You know, fulfillment for me is 251 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 1: not or the idea of fulfillment is not a huge family. 252 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,680 Speaker 1: A Fulfillment for me is like getting up and being 253 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,680 Speaker 1: able to do whatever I want to do whenever I 254 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,680 Speaker 1: want to do that. And I think people think that 255 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 1: that's selfish, but it's it's it's life. It's me being 256 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,320 Speaker 1: able to live my life as I choose it, with 257 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: no obligation to anyone else. And I think we are 258 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:30,680 Speaker 1: so we are so it's ingrained that we that we 259 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,520 Speaker 1: should partner up and pair up. And let me also 260 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,800 Speaker 1: say this, I'm not saying that I want to be 261 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,600 Speaker 1: single forever. You know, partnership is something I think that 262 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:42,600 Speaker 1: by human nature, we all want. What I'm saying is, 263 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:46,560 Speaker 1: if you are single, be happy in being that until 264 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 1: you find what it is that you're looking for. Do 265 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: you have to actively seek it? No, Like, you can 266 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 1: be happy with yourself and those things will come to you. 267 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 1: But the quest that we are so often on to 268 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 1: find that partnership, I think it's I think it's a 269 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 1: bit dangerous. It's not only as it's force fed to us. 270 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:13,679 Speaker 1: It's f fed through Hollywood, romantic comedies, sitcoms. All of 271 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,399 Speaker 1: these things tell us that if you were single, there's 272 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 1: something wrong. There's something wrong with you, there's there's really not. 273 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,879 Speaker 1: When I was a kid, people would say, like, I 274 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,320 Speaker 1: never wanted to have kids. I never wanted to have kids. 275 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, when I was in school, 276 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:28,080 Speaker 1: I didn't like going to school, And then as an adult, 277 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 1: I thought, if I have kids, I got to go 278 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 1: back to school with them. I don't want to do that. 279 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,440 Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's totally used to that second half 280 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,440 Speaker 1: of your life in classrooms, but in a different capacity, 281 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,560 Speaker 1: but also dealing with the same crap, which are like 282 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,480 Speaker 1: adults who haven't taken the time to like unlearn their 283 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,119 Speaker 1: bad behavior on So I don't have any desire to 284 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 1: do that. And I have a niece and a nephew 285 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,920 Speaker 1: that I absolutely love and adore, and I have spent 286 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:59,719 Speaker 1: a mini school plays and recitals and scrolls out all 287 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: of the things, and I love them. But I love 288 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 1: being able to choose when I do that. I don't 289 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: want to be obligated to do that. And I feel 290 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,120 Speaker 1: like people the reality people like resent their kids. Yeah, 291 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,359 Speaker 1: but that you know, because again, we don't offer the 292 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:18,000 Speaker 1: space to have those conversations and to have that narrative, Like, 293 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,520 Speaker 1: no one is ever going to ask somebody do you 294 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 1: wish that you didn't have your kids? Right? Well, because 295 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,159 Speaker 1: if you say, but okay, are they honest or are 296 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,440 Speaker 1: they like Lauren, why are you asking me that question? 297 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,640 Speaker 1: Of course I love my kids. I didn't ask them 298 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,840 Speaker 1: if they love them or not. But I have honest 299 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,240 Speaker 1: conversations with my friends. The one thing people used to 300 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,000 Speaker 1: say to me when I ask the kid was or 301 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,640 Speaker 1: younger woman, was if you when you have kids, you'll 302 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,480 Speaker 1: love them? And I'm like that, I don't think it 303 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,160 Speaker 1: is true. I don't think that that's something that's true 304 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,919 Speaker 1: that people talk about. That's how kids end up in 305 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,600 Speaker 1: trash cans. Like that is the reality. That is something 306 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,800 Speaker 1: that we really need to discuss. And I think, you know, 307 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:55,480 Speaker 1: there's greater conversations to be had, like conversations without abortion 308 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,800 Speaker 1: and demonizing that and demonizing like the choices that women 309 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,359 Speaker 1: have to make for them selves. And I also say this, like, 310 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,439 Speaker 1: I don't think that for some people, abortion is a 311 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,200 Speaker 1: hard choice, you know, like the politics. We talk about 312 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,960 Speaker 1: it all the times. A hard choice. It's a hard 313 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 1: choice for some people, and some people it's a no brainer. 314 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:17,240 Speaker 1: Sometimes you just have a good time and something unfortunate 315 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:21,199 Speaker 1: takes place, you know, Like I think, and I'm saying this, 316 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,960 Speaker 1: and it seems very flippant, and you guys don't know 317 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,439 Speaker 1: me fully as an individual. So I don't want to 318 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:31,239 Speaker 1: come off as callous, um um or insensitive, but I 319 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,440 Speaker 1: think we really need to start having honest conversations about 320 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,920 Speaker 1: what our society looks like and why women feel like 321 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:41,040 Speaker 1: they the end all be all is like a marriage 322 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,919 Speaker 1: and kids and a family when sometimes they can Nobody 323 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 1: says that to bachelor's no, because you can be an 324 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:53,520 Speaker 1: older gentleman, right, distinguished, distinguished, older gentleman that just never 325 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,160 Speaker 1: wanted to be tied down. Yeah, and that is something 326 00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:59,600 Speaker 1: I remember what movie is it, Something's Gotta Give with 327 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:04,160 Speaker 1: Anne Keatman. She said, they write books about men who 328 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,439 Speaker 1: are single. They tell you show movies about men that 329 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 1: are single. But it's the spinster, right, who is is 330 00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:13,040 Speaker 1: the woman that has looked at that? It's like, oh, 331 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,320 Speaker 1: nobody wanted you. The definition of spinster is a real 332 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,880 Speaker 1: has such a negative connotation to it, and I just thought, 333 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 1: let's change the direction and let's change that word altogether. 334 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,760 Speaker 1: And that's why I call myself like, I am totally 335 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 1: a spinster by choice. Um. And it's like a woman's 336 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,320 Speaker 1: I think it's something like it's a woman of a 337 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:35,760 Speaker 1: certain age that's no longer desired, desirable, or it's middle aged. Yeah, 338 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,600 Speaker 1: well I'm but middle age. I'm like, but I'm like, 339 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,320 Speaker 1: that's what they tell you. It's like, you know, And 340 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,280 Speaker 1: it was really interesting. I was I was watching another 341 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,200 Speaker 1: show recently with women that were over the age of 342 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 1: sixty and they were taught, and they were with their 343 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,440 Speaker 1: with their daughters, Um there you know, their young daughters, 344 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,480 Speaker 1: and they were saying, you reach an age in society 345 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 1: where you become invisible. Right where I could be sitting 346 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 1: with my daughter at dinner, you know, who's in their 347 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:08,280 Speaker 1: twenties and I'm in my sixties, and no one will 348 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,120 Speaker 1: approach or talk to me, just to her as if 349 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,359 Speaker 1: I don't exist. Well, I remember very well, and I 350 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,600 Speaker 1: will say I think I've had I land in a 351 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:23,239 Speaker 1: really interesting time, like in this life and generations of 352 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 1: people and of women and how we have evolved, Like 353 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,560 Speaker 1: I had Oprah as my role model. I was growing 354 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,679 Speaker 1: up watching Oprah who was single. Yep, you know she 355 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,320 Speaker 1: is single, and she's well not single, she's partnered, but 356 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: she's made a very clear choice not to marry to 357 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,320 Speaker 1: marry um. And then I've seen women like Hallie Berry. 358 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,200 Speaker 1: You know, Halle Berry is beautiful and she obviously wants 359 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,359 Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, and she has so many 360 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,960 Speaker 1: things to offer, and she's this fabulous, phenomenal woman with 361 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,040 Speaker 1: all these accomplishments. She's been single, you know, she's she's 362 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 1: experienced waves. You know, I think of of course, like 363 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,840 Speaker 1: my brain's like at a loss, but they're Tracy Ellis Ra. 364 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,720 Speaker 1: She's a fabulous example. Or you know, I look, there's 365 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,879 Speaker 1: so many different women, not just black women. No, like 366 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,240 Speaker 1: you mentioned Diane Keaton. Yeah she's one. But I go 367 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:14,159 Speaker 1: back to you saying women who are invisible at a 368 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,680 Speaker 1: certain age. I remember watching Oprah and I remember Civil 369 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:22,280 Speaker 1: Shepherd having a conversation and remember Moonlighting. Oh my god, 370 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,119 Speaker 1: you was the star. She was, she was themazon. She 371 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,880 Speaker 1: was in a whole lot of things, and she was single, 372 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,479 Speaker 1: and she was explaining that she was out with her 373 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 1: daughter and men used to just fallow over themselves for her. 374 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,800 Speaker 1: And she was sitting with her daughter and she's like, 375 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,119 Speaker 1: I'm the famous one. People were supposed to know me. 376 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 1: Nobody's looking at me, nobody's talking to me. And she 377 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,600 Speaker 1: found herself being envious and jealous of her daughter. And 378 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:48,080 Speaker 1: I thought to myself, what if? And I was I 379 00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:50,440 Speaker 1: was maybe twelve when I was watching this. I don't 380 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,919 Speaker 1: know that I was young, um, but I remember that, 381 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: and I just remember how how just kind of sad 382 00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:02,000 Speaker 1: that was. For Yeah, how just absolutely like sad it seemed. 383 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:06,760 Speaker 1: You know. I also think too, why what you are 384 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,240 Speaker 1: doing and why your book is so interesting too, is 385 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 1: because there's also another level of societal pressure that is 386 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,239 Speaker 1: put on black women, right, so you know what are 387 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:20,720 Speaker 1: the stories? Oh you know, you'll you'll be alone forever. 388 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,600 Speaker 1: Nobody wants to none of these things. And so it's 389 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:27,320 Speaker 1: like for you and the legions god willing of other 390 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 1: women of color who are just like you know what, 391 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,280 Speaker 1: this is actually a choice that I'm making. And I'm 392 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:35,280 Speaker 1: not just saying that to put on like I'm making 393 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: a choice that society doesn't get to dictate how I 394 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,280 Speaker 1: live my life or if I am lovable because all 395 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:45,040 Speaker 1: of the conversations and the images that we get seen 396 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,840 Speaker 1: that are thrown at us are about how unlovable we are. Well, 397 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,840 Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I think that that's definitely it's it's 398 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,280 Speaker 1: true of what society throws at us. But at the 399 00:23:55,359 --> 00:24:00,080 Speaker 1: same time, I have never subscribed to that idea. But 400 00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:02,360 Speaker 1: I've not subscribed to like anything I think that's really 401 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: conventional or traditional m And I think you have to 402 00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 1: be okay with that, You have to be okay with 403 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,520 Speaker 1: not subscribing to those things. It's it's hard though for 404 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,560 Speaker 1: black women, I think, and I don't want to speak 405 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 1: for all of us, no, I can speak for me. 406 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,280 Speaker 1: We're we are faced with a lot of challenges and 407 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:22,680 Speaker 1: we're faced with a lot of imagery that is one 408 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:27,720 Speaker 1: either that we're unlovable, or we're oversexualized, or we're just 409 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,920 Speaker 1: like aggressive, strong, independent and don't want love and don't 410 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,879 Speaker 1: want that nurturing and that our standards are too high 411 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,240 Speaker 1: and you just need to And the situation I want 412 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:40,840 Speaker 1: to say is that you know, black women are the 413 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:44,200 Speaker 1: most educated demographic in the country. We are, you know, 414 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:49,640 Speaker 1: while albeit there's the economic disparities with you know, equal pay, 415 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:53,720 Speaker 1: which what was that two days ago, correct, yesterday, we're 416 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,760 Speaker 1: experiencing we deserve all of the things that we want, 417 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: and for so long we've been told that we don't 418 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,120 Speaker 1: deserve them. And for I've just always been of the 419 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:06,399 Speaker 1: mind that you create what you want for yourself, and 420 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:11,200 Speaker 1: that's what I continue to do. That's just the philosophy 421 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,200 Speaker 1: and ideals that I subscribe to. It's like, I will 422 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: create the things that I want for myself, and if 423 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:19,560 Speaker 1: that involves another person, then they're very lucky to get 424 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,240 Speaker 1: to enjoy this space with me because I've created such 425 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:27,280 Speaker 1: a beautiful life I can tell you that. So I 426 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,880 Speaker 1: am recently divorced, and I say recent, it's been probably 427 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:35,880 Speaker 1: two years, right, But I was married for fifteen and 428 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:41,000 Speaker 1: one of the things that kept me in a relationship 429 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,480 Speaker 1: that I knew was not what I needed it to 430 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 1: be as it was as it was ending, was the 431 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:50,920 Speaker 1: fear of being a divorcee. Was that I I mean 432 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,440 Speaker 1: I was. I have been in therapy, right. My therapist 433 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:58,359 Speaker 1: is wonderful and literally helped me through getting to the 434 00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:01,240 Speaker 1: other side of that feeling and that fear. But it 435 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,960 Speaker 1: was just like I felt like a failure. Right, how 436 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:09,840 Speaker 1: do you go about creating this life and then it 437 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:14,160 Speaker 1: doesn't work out, right, and then now you're starting over 438 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:17,680 Speaker 1: in this new decade and this new time, and the 439 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 1: title that you have is divorced, say, and I really 440 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,640 Speaker 1: like I took it to heart. I kept saying, who 441 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,320 Speaker 1: is going to want to date me? Right? I don't 442 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,840 Speaker 1: even have like, there are no kids, there's no nothing. 443 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,040 Speaker 1: But it was it was the And I think about 444 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,879 Speaker 1: it now two years later, and I'm just like, why 445 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,760 Speaker 1: did I think that my mother was divorced and and 446 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 1: married my wonderful stepfather. And so it's not as if 447 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:46,600 Speaker 1: I didn't have models for what life looks like after divorce, right, 448 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,040 Speaker 1: or for those that don't remarry, because I have no 449 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 1: desire to, right. But it's just like the weight that 450 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,840 Speaker 1: I carried, the embarrassment. And I think that it's similarly 451 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,720 Speaker 1: for some women who don't see them selves in the 452 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,199 Speaker 1: way that you do, which is like, no, I love this, 453 00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:07,000 Speaker 1: I love my life. I think that again, you reach 454 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:10,520 Speaker 1: a certain age and people are like, well, okay, if 455 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,600 Speaker 1: you're divorced, that means that somebody wanted you at some point, right, 456 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,800 Speaker 1: and it just didn't work out. And if you are 457 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 1: single this entire time you really are looked at is 458 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,040 Speaker 1: if you have a problem, you are. I mean, I'm 459 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,280 Speaker 1: not going to people will listen to this and they'll 460 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,120 Speaker 1: hear me talk and they'll you know, make this assumption 461 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 1: that I'm very selfish or self centered, and that's not 462 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:33,120 Speaker 1: really the case. And so I want to also just 463 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,560 Speaker 1: it's not that that women should look at themselves if 464 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,800 Speaker 1: they're single, that they are unlovable, but that that's what 465 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:42,399 Speaker 1: society is going to say. That's not the case. Again, 466 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,919 Speaker 1: We've got to shift the narrative and shift the conversation. 467 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,640 Speaker 1: Is that what you wanted is something for yourself, and 468 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,680 Speaker 1: that's what you're creating. You are creating exactly what you want. 469 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:57,600 Speaker 1: I know that there's the the feet, not the I 470 00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,320 Speaker 1: guess it is fear. It's a fear of yes, being 471 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:03,520 Speaker 1: called divorced. But I you know, it's hard for me 472 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:05,680 Speaker 1: to speak to that. I grew up in a household 473 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,720 Speaker 1: with a mother who was divorced as well. She also remarried, 474 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:12,120 Speaker 1: but she was from an era where that was a choice. 475 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,199 Speaker 1: That was a choice you needed to you needed to 476 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,239 Speaker 1: be married, you know, in order to feel fulfilled as 477 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,480 Speaker 1: a human being. And I think that's what we need 478 00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:22,439 Speaker 1: to get beyond is that you are you can be 479 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:26,440 Speaker 1: fulfilled as a human being, as one person, as an individual. 480 00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:32,480 Speaker 1: I think about my friends who are unmarried, and I've 481 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,800 Speaker 1: seen very healthy marriages, and I've also seen very unhealthy marriages. 482 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:40,760 Speaker 1: I've also experienced loss with friends and family too, of 483 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:45,000 Speaker 1: their partners and spouses. It's hard. That's hard, and that's 484 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,239 Speaker 1: that's a completely different conversation that you have to have. 485 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 1: But I will say this, this is why I wrote 486 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,240 Speaker 1: the book and why I created it because I am 487 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,440 Speaker 1: a single woman um and I'm single by choice. My 488 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 1: sister during the pandemic got divorced, and my mother during 489 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,960 Speaker 1: the pandemic lost her husband to COVID, So all three 490 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:10,400 Speaker 1: of us are single for three very different reasons. And 491 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:14,040 Speaker 1: what I discovered in the conversations that I kept having 492 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:17,320 Speaker 1: with between my sister and between my mother was that 493 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:23,360 Speaker 1: we have to embrace, albeit as challenging and as difficult 494 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:26,480 Speaker 1: as it is for each one of us individually, because 495 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,600 Speaker 1: we were all having this like very crazy collective COVID experience, 496 00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:36,360 Speaker 1: but we also are having unique experiences, and for each 497 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,440 Speaker 1: one of us, we were doing it alone, and we 498 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:41,560 Speaker 1: were doing it alone for the first time, and the 499 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:48,400 Speaker 1: goal was to tap into ourselves and enjoy and learn 500 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:54,239 Speaker 1: and discover and be okay and forgive whatever it was 501 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:56,160 Speaker 1: that we were going through so that we could be 502 00:29:56,280 --> 00:30:00,440 Speaker 1: okay as ourselves, as individuals, as one person, because if 503 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,480 Speaker 1: you're not okay with yourself, then you don't have the 504 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 1: ability to move forward, you know. And that's that was 505 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:08,240 Speaker 1: the conversation that that just it just kept coming to me, 506 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:12,040 Speaker 1: you know. And there's so much more that we can 507 00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:15,280 Speaker 1: get into. I mean, but you don't, yeah, because I'm saying, 508 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:19,040 Speaker 1: like the thing that I find too again from for 509 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 1: this time for me during COVID. So I'm similar to 510 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,000 Speaker 1: your sister, right. It was, you know, the beginning of 511 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:28,560 Speaker 1: twenty twenty, I moved out on my own for the 512 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:32,280 Speaker 1: very first time as a grown ass woman. UM never 513 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 1: lived alone because went to college, had roommates. Then you know, 514 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,800 Speaker 1: fell in love and then moved in together and that 515 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:43,120 Speaker 1: was life for fifteen years. And I think that what 516 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:48,920 Speaker 1: is really important and it and it sounds cliche, It 517 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,880 Speaker 1: sounds like those spiritual memes that are sent around that 518 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:58,320 Speaker 1: I love, but that UM that are about like you 519 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 1: really do have to love yourself. You really do have 520 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,920 Speaker 1: to take care of yourself. And it's why you know 521 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:08,840 Speaker 1: your book just the pictures of let's talk about the 522 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:13,520 Speaker 1: pictures and how beautiful. So how did it? How did 523 00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:16,760 Speaker 1: it start? That? You said? I mean, again, I love 524 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,800 Speaker 1: the way that you think, and I love your mindset. 525 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:23,960 Speaker 1: But there are other people right who for them. If 526 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:27,440 Speaker 1: I'm having dinner alone, I'm getting chopsticks and I'm eating 527 00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:30,280 Speaker 1: out of the out of the box. If I'm eating 528 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:33,080 Speaker 1: dinner alone, maybe I'm not having dinner. Maybe I'm having 529 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:35,920 Speaker 1: a kind bar and I'm going to bed. And I 530 00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:39,240 Speaker 1: was like that until I started to sit with myself 531 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,560 Speaker 1: and think about why am I not worth the effort 532 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,400 Speaker 1: in the time that I would put in for other people? 533 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:49,400 Speaker 1: And this that was my journey through twenty through twenty twenty, 534 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:51,760 Speaker 1: was well, now I am going to be cooking for 535 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:55,600 Speaker 1: myself right, Um, friends may or may not come through, 536 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,280 Speaker 1: But so am I to eat popcorn for the rest 537 00:31:58,280 --> 00:31:59,640 Speaker 1: of it? Because that was when I say that, because 538 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,000 Speaker 1: that was my go to food. But I so for me, 539 00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:05,760 Speaker 1: it's like I looked at the pictures and I said, 540 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:09,440 Speaker 1: this is gorgeous. You are worth that you are. I mean, 541 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:13,640 Speaker 1: here's the thing. Every night I'm already a person who 542 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:18,040 Speaker 1: enjoys food and experience and esthetics like that is my vibe. 543 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:20,520 Speaker 1: I'm like a wellness person. I'm a makeup artist. I 544 00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 1: live in New York City, Like my senses are constantly 545 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:29,000 Speaker 1: being stimulated. And what I felt was because we could not, 546 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:31,719 Speaker 1: we were not experiencing that in the same way. I 547 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 1: was not going to deprive myself of that experience. And again, 548 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:37,800 Speaker 1: that's what I want everyone to do, is never deprive 549 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,920 Speaker 1: yourself of something that is good for you and feels good. 550 00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:43,680 Speaker 1: This was something that was impacting my mental health, my 551 00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:46,440 Speaker 1: physical health, just all of those things. And I thought, 552 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,280 Speaker 1: I will create an experience. There's one thing that I 553 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:52,840 Speaker 1: have to do every single day, that's one thing that 554 00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:54,640 Speaker 1: we all have to do every single day, and that's 555 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:59,280 Speaker 1: nourish ourselves, feed ourselves and eat. And I thought, I 556 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:02,640 Speaker 1: will take the time every day to do this very 557 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:07,000 Speaker 1: kind thing. I always had a flower arrangement because nothing 558 00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:10,480 Speaker 1: makes me happier than like flowers and beautiful balloon arrangements. 559 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,640 Speaker 1: But couldn't do the balloons every day, but I was 560 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:16,800 Speaker 1: able to do flowers. And you guys, I think too. 561 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,480 Speaker 1: I'm a whole food shopper. Okay, flowers or like seven 562 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,760 Speaker 1: dollars a bunch. If you can do that for yourself, 563 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,320 Speaker 1: do it. They last all week. It's something that's really 564 00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:30,160 Speaker 1: just a gift to yourself. It's something living, it's something breathing. 565 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,720 Speaker 1: It's something colorful and beautiful that you can bring into 566 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,440 Speaker 1: your environment, into your home space. So that was where 567 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:38,720 Speaker 1: I started. But the next thing was to create something 568 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:45,440 Speaker 1: that tasted good that also had some nutritional value to it. 569 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:50,760 Speaker 1: I again am beauty and wellness person. I'm also over forty, 570 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:54,479 Speaker 1: so it was important for me to be eating healthy, 571 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 1: but to be feeling like what I was eating was 572 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,520 Speaker 1: really tasty and yummy, and I could feel the flavors 573 00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:04,160 Speaker 1: and experience the flavors, and um, I'm Southern, so I 574 00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:08,920 Speaker 1: can cook cook, you know, I cook cook and food 575 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:11,400 Speaker 1: food and food food. And so I was giving peach cobbler. 576 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:13,400 Speaker 1: I was giving like all the different foods, but I 577 00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:15,080 Speaker 1: was doing it in a healthy way, a way that 578 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:20,960 Speaker 1: was centered around like portion control and also respecting relationships 579 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,520 Speaker 1: with food. Like my mother, my grandmother grew up during 580 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:26,520 Speaker 1: the depression era, so she likes to buy like canned foods, 581 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,120 Speaker 1: and those were my That's how I learned how to cook. 582 00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:31,840 Speaker 1: But I also was able to incorporate the things that 583 00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:34,480 Speaker 1: I know now about wellness and well being and taking 584 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,440 Speaker 1: care of yourself fresh foods and how that impacts your 585 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:40,799 Speaker 1: skin and how that impacts your different organs and you know, 586 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:43,480 Speaker 1: all of those things, and incorporate that into the recipes. 587 00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:49,160 Speaker 1: So I did that, and I ate colorful foods and delicious, 588 00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:53,319 Speaker 1: delectable meals that I could I just can't. I just 589 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:56,759 Speaker 1: consume them, right, It's just everything about them. I was 590 00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,560 Speaker 1: experiencing the food. So I allowed myself to have an 591 00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,600 Speaker 1: experience against every night, and that's what was important to me. 592 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,360 Speaker 1: I had to do that for myself to survive this 593 00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:10,040 Speaker 1: whole experience. But what it did was it just taught me, 594 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:13,879 Speaker 1: like you, when you take care of yourself, you feel good, 595 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:17,080 Speaker 1: you know, like so you feel good. And so I 596 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:19,959 Speaker 1: think that is what has allowed me to one come 597 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:24,680 Speaker 1: out on the other side of the pandemic mentally like 598 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:30,040 Speaker 1: saying healthy and then physically healthy as well. But I, 599 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:32,560 Speaker 1: like I said, I have this obsession with food and 600 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:34,760 Speaker 1: I just love it, and I feel like with every 601 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:38,000 Speaker 1: bite there's so much level of satisfaction that you get 602 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:41,200 Speaker 1: from food and from consuming something that just tastes so 603 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 1: good and something that you've created for yourself. So that's 604 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,319 Speaker 1: the concept. I mean, it's beautiful. So at the end 605 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:51,400 Speaker 1: of my shows, which I've been trying to do because 606 00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:54,399 Speaker 1: I rage against the machine all day, I've been trying 607 00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:58,680 Speaker 1: to do a woke moment of wellness, right, So, because 608 00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:04,399 Speaker 1: I actually have a wellness expert with me, what would 609 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:07,440 Speaker 1: you what what advice do you give to people that 610 00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:11,640 Speaker 1: are still maybe at the beginning stages of this self 611 00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:15,319 Speaker 1: care of their self care journey, about how to make 612 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:19,680 Speaker 1: it consistent, about how about why, especially now in the 613 00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,400 Speaker 1: times that we're living in that are so unstable, that 614 00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:27,840 Speaker 1: are so so tenuous on our mental health. What advice 615 00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:30,160 Speaker 1: do you give for them? One thing I can say 616 00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:34,600 Speaker 1: is uncertainty is certain. Like if you can accept the 617 00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:37,560 Speaker 1: fact that you won't have the answer to everything, the 618 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:41,040 Speaker 1: plans that you made might change, I think it's easier 619 00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:43,759 Speaker 1: to accept it, and I think it's easier to process it. 620 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:46,480 Speaker 1: And then I think, don't be so hard on yourself. 621 00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:49,360 Speaker 1: If you can practice steps of wellness, they lead to 622 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:52,319 Speaker 1: greater steps of wellness, you know, And I think too 623 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:55,719 Speaker 1: for a lot of us, we don't know everything for 624 00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:57,480 Speaker 1: all of us. We don't know everything, but when it 625 00:36:57,520 --> 00:36:59,800 Speaker 1: comes to wellness and when it comes to like health, 626 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:05,319 Speaker 1: we're all learning and we have to learn. It's incremental 627 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:08,360 Speaker 1: progress of what works for you. So try things, but 628 00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:11,360 Speaker 1: don't be afraid to try, and don't be afraid to fail. 629 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:15,040 Speaker 1: Nobody knows everything all at once, and you don't have 630 00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:18,520 Speaker 1: the anthraveld one. So I just I think it seems 631 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:22,560 Speaker 1: like my wellness is very regimented. It's not. It's very casual, 632 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:27,440 Speaker 1: but it's casual because I've slowly implemented into my full lifestyle. 633 00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:31,000 Speaker 1: And I think that's what that's what we have to do, 634 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,799 Speaker 1: is not be hard on ourselves, but slowly implemented to 635 00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:35,920 Speaker 1: where it just becomes something that you do for yourself 636 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,920 Speaker 1: every day, Like making dinner for myself every day that was, 637 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:44,440 Speaker 1: you know, colorful and healthy and became second nature. Folks, 638 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:48,320 Speaker 1: You're worth the time and the beauty and the self care. Lauren, 639 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:51,440 Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining okay at Folks. The 640 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:55,879 Speaker 1: book is Dinner for One, go get it. People loved 641 00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:58,480 Speaker 1: it so much that you were back ordered yet so 642 00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,360 Speaker 1: now and so but but I couldn't believe it. You 643 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:05,560 Speaker 1: guys so well it's self published, which I think is 644 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:08,480 Speaker 1: a feat in itself because I've never the venture that 645 00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:13,200 Speaker 1: I've never ventured out on. But people bought it like crazy, 646 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:17,279 Speaker 1: and the printer ran out of ink. I didn't know, 647 00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:21,880 Speaker 1: like there's supply chain issues everywhere, specific color for the book, 648 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:24,239 Speaker 1: so I had to wait. Everybody had to wait. So 649 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:28,360 Speaker 1: you know, order it, get your copy, yeah, and follow 650 00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:32,319 Speaker 1: you on, tell them on all the socials. I have 651 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:34,840 Speaker 1: a very very quiet following on Twitter, but I follow 652 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,680 Speaker 1: everybody else. It's so good. But it's Lauren Napier on Twitter, 653 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,399 Speaker 1: it's Lauren Napier on Instagram or Lauren Napier Beauty where 654 00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:44,319 Speaker 1: you can find like all of the wellness things, and 655 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,680 Speaker 1: then the book is at Lauren Napier dot com. So 656 00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:49,640 Speaker 1: super easy. It's all in the same place. Wonderful. Thank 657 00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:52,040 Speaker 1: you so much for having me, Thank you for joining. 658 00:38:52,160 --> 00:39:02,680 Speaker 1: Appreciate measure. Thank you as always, dear friends. Power to 659 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:06,040 Speaker 1: the people and to all the people. Power, get woke 660 00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:07,919 Speaker 1: and stay woke as fuck.