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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that realized beards are in right

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Speaker 1: now for dudes.

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Speaker 2: And while one is fun, more is better.

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Speaker 1: More beard.

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Speaker 2: That's why he created earbeards. A little glue on.

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Speaker 1: Goates that go on each ear lobe. Nice stick them on,

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Speaker 1: and then it's just hello, ladies, I get it.

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Speaker 2: You got a beard muff.

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Speaker 1: Get your earbards at Walmart exclusively beards three for five dollars.

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Speaker 3: You can't sell beard without ears, so it rights itself.

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Speaker 2: Or you can go to Laser Stories and listen to us.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna read weird news stories around the globe, just

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Speaker 1: like everyone else does, except we've got a laser and

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Speaker 1: those other soul patch studs just don't. This first laser

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Speaker 1: story is out of the Great State of Florida, rightod

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Speaker 1: Criminals have tried all kinds of things to avoid being

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Speaker 1: hauled away by the police, but this is a new one. Recently,

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Speaker 1: cops responded to a place called Palms of Emeralds Coast

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Speaker 1: massage parlor.

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Speaker 3: That sounds wonderful, it sounds illegal, you know.

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Speaker 1: They were called to investigate an alleged attack, not from

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Speaker 1: one of the patrons.

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Speaker 2: Apparently, one of.

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Speaker 1: The massuses physically shoved the customer for not tipping enough.

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Speaker 3: Nobody got it. I mean, anybody, anybody in customer service

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Speaker 3: has wanted to do this, don't do it.

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Speaker 2: One officers showed up.

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Speaker 1: They told the massuse they were sorry, but that is

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Speaker 1: not allowed, and they were going to have to arrest her.

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Speaker 1: And I'm just going to read an excerpt from the

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Speaker 1: official police report on what happened next.

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Speaker 2: Quote.

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Speaker 1: When the cops tried to cuff the woman, she began

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Speaker 1: defecating toward the officers in an attempt to avoid being arrested.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, how can people do that on command?

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Speaker 3: It is incredible.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure what that means exactly. You defecating towards someone?

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Speaker 2: Does it shoot out?

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Speaker 1: But whatever it is that she did, it did not work,

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Speaker 1: and the messeuse was arrested for battery. That.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, you know, at least she has two clients.

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Speaker 3: You're like, oh gosh, she was the best though. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: By the way, the Palms of Emerald's Coast was previously

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Speaker 1: called Classy SPA. No word on why the name was changed,

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Speaker 1: because it clearly sounds like a super classy establishment.

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Speaker 2: I'm sure what they were thinking this.

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Speaker 1: Next laser story is out of condiment corner delicious. You

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Speaker 1: ever wondered why French fry boxes don't come with a

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Speaker 1: special storage just for ketchup convenient, Yeah, well they might

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Speaker 1: soon because Hines just introduced something called the Hinds Dipper,

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Speaker 1: which looks like a Red McDonald's fry box holder, but

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Speaker 1: this one has a built in ketchup pocket with a

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Speaker 1: hinge that you can open and close for easy dipping

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Speaker 1: on the go.

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Speaker 3: Double rainbow, Oh my god.

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Speaker 2: And I would use mustard in the ketchup.

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Speaker 3: I'd also use minnaise or rare. This is genius. It's

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Speaker 3: so smart. It looks like it just I mean, it

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Speaker 3: looks cardboard still, but it like pops out.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm showing a picture it all the co hosts.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna put it up on our Insta stories.

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Speaker 2: So this way they all like that.

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Speaker 1: They really should because this way, instead of juggling packets

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Speaker 1: or squeezing sauce directly onto your fries, now you can

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Speaker 1: just dip it into the built in cup.

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Speaker 3: I hate the sauce directly on the fries.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it gets soggy.

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Speaker 3: Accidentally grab the wrong thing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, ketchup on your fingers oh, but.

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Speaker 3: Then you put it in your cetar console and you

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Speaker 3: take one turn of the whole thing goes flying.

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Speaker 2: I mean totally, it's barbaric. You finally to come to

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Speaker 2: the future. Here.

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Speaker 1: The Dipper debuted at select restaurants yesterday, including sports stadiums worldwide.

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Speaker 1: For now, it's mostly publicity stunt and they'll only be

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Speaker 1: available while supplies last. But we can dream, and I

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Speaker 1: know this dreams can come true.

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Speaker 2: It's a little French fry inspiration.

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Speaker 3: I feel like this is going to be in every

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Speaker 3: sports stadium everywhere and someday people were like, what you

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Speaker 3: lived without it?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, It's like slice bread. I love it.

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Speaker 1: The future is here, get ready for it. This next

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Speaker 1: layer story is out of celebrity corner. After seven long

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Speaker 1: years of lawyers and patent filing, I'm happy to announce

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Speaker 1: Matthew McConaughey has officially trademarked his catchphrase all right, all right,

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Speaker 1: all right, yeah dude.

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Speaker 3: He trademarked more than that.

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Speaker 2: Really he did.

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Speaker 1: This is all in an effort to protect his voice

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Speaker 1: and likeness from unauthorized AI misuse.

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Speaker 3: I love this because these celebrities that have lots of

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Speaker 3: money need to fight this battle for us. So there's

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Speaker 3: a precedent.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's something Brooke is deathly afraid of, even though

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Speaker 1: literally nobody wants to use her image or her likeness.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I just wait, how do you know this is

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Speaker 3: really me? Or did our company just use ai?

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Speaker 1: Although the Heines ketchup dipper, they might want to use

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Speaker 1: your image for that, say. Trademark registration states quote the

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Speaker 1: mark consists of a man saying all right, all right,

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Speaker 1: all right, wherein the first syllable of the first two

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Speaker 1: words is of a lower pitch than the second syllable,

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Speaker 1: and the first syllable of the last word is at

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Speaker 1: a higher pitch than the second syllable.

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Speaker 3: What.

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Speaker 2: That's what trademarks for catchphrases sound like. So I can

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Speaker 2: legally say this right now, all right, all right, all right? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: can't get sued.

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Speaker 1: Matthew also, by the way, secured other trademarks, including a

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Speaker 1: seven second video clip of McConaughey standing.

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Speaker 2: On a porch. Wait, not sure, why do you want

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Speaker 2: to trademark that?

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Speaker 3: What we did? He trademarked him running on a beach shirtless,

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Speaker 3: Like that's the iconic Matthew.

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Speaker 2: He is the visual I get when you say.

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Speaker 1: He also did a three second clip of him sitting

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Speaker 1: in front of a Christmas tree and audio of him saying,

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Speaker 1: just keep living right, I mean, what are we gonna do?

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Speaker 2: What is he trying to trademark every generic?

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Speaker 3: Hell?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this final laser story is out of the American

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Speaker 1: depot of knowledge. Wow, valuable skills are important when your

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Speaker 1: job hunting.

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Speaker 2: Unfortunately we don't really have those anymore.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and I say that because a new poll asked

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Speaker 1: five thousand people about different things they're knowledgeable about.

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Speaker 3: Oh interesting, let's go.

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Speaker 2: To the top ones.

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Speaker 1: Number six America says they're well versed in obscure facts

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Speaker 1: about movie You are one pathetic loser. Yes, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: everybody has like the movie that they can quote every

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Speaker 1: single line in. Number five Americans say they know a

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Speaker 1: lot about interest rates.

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Speaker 2: I mean lately, yeah, too much.

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Speaker 3: That's such a thing to a guy. No wonder we

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Speaker 3: suck at dinner conversations.

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Speaker 1: I mean, do they really know about it or do

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Speaker 1: they just claim to know about it?

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Speaker 2: I'm not really sure.

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Speaker 3: I'll charge you two point five percent to find out.

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Speaker 2: I wish I do with that man. Number four higher

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Speaker 2: or lower?

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Speaker 1: Number four, we are experts at trending music. At least

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Speaker 1: we think we are number three home improvement or DIY projects.

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Speaker 3: I just read that like gen z can like barely

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Speaker 3: change the light bulb really wow Wow, I mean it's

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Speaker 3: barely being able to do it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. On YouTube number two, we know so much about

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Speaker 1: social media trends. Wow, all the latest TikTok kitchen hacks

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Speaker 1: and Facebook plank challenges.

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Speaker 2: We're always so.

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Speaker 3: Trendy, Jeff. Right now, it's all about twenty sixteen.

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Speaker 2: That's the thing. We're bringing it back.

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Speaker 1: And the number one subject Americans say they are experts

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Speaker 1: at the most is reality television drama.

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Speaker 3: Alexis and Jeff talk about this for literally their own

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Speaker 3: That's what glues you as friends.

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Speaker 1: You want to know who hooked up with who on

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Speaker 1: season six from Love Island and ditch them for a

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Speaker 1: sexy uber driver with a limp on season seven. America

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Speaker 1: knows it was now this guy, he's not really into

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Speaker 1: reality TV unless he's making it himself. The show's never

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Speaker 1: go to air, but trust me, he's got cameras everywhere. Okay,

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Speaker 1: And that's how means Laser Stories has come to an

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Speaker 1: end for the day.

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Speaker 2: We'll do it again, same time. On Monday,