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Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't

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Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know

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Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's

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Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die

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Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a

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Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was

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Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel

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Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And

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Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope

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Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,

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Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi, guys,

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Speaker 1: become to a new episode of You Need Therapy podcast.

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Speaker 1: My name is Kat. I am the host. And before

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Speaker 1: we get started, here is your quick reminder that although

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Speaker 1: I'm a therapist and the podcast is called You Need Therapy,

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Speaker 1: this does not serve as a replacement for a substitute

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Speaker 1: for any actual mental health services. But we always hope

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Speaker 1: that it can help in some way. So a couple

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Speaker 1: of weeks ago. I actually posted about this on Instagram.

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Speaker 1: If you don't follow me, you can follow me at

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Speaker 1: cat van Buren. I did change my Instagram name. I'm

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Speaker 1: walking towards officially changing my last name, and that is

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Speaker 1: one of the steps that I have taken. So if

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Speaker 1: you see that name and you're like, Ooh, I don't

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Speaker 1: know who this person is, it's me. And if you

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Speaker 1: want to follow me you can cat van Buren. There'll

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Speaker 1: be a link in the show notes to that. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: I posted about this a couple of weeks ago, so

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Speaker 1: some of you may have heard the story. But I

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Speaker 1: was laying on the couch watching TV with my husband

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Speaker 1: around like eight thirty in the doorbell rang and I

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Speaker 1: immediately went into a panic and as my husband up

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Speaker 1: to answer the door, I said, do not open the door.

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Speaker 1: Don't open it, don't open it. I mean, I was

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Speaker 1: in full panic mode. Then he peeked out the window

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Speaker 1: and realized that the person who rang my doorbell was

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Speaker 1: my two nieces and my older brother and they were

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Speaker 1: stopping by because they were in our neighborhood and just

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Speaker 1: wanted to surprise us and say hello. And honestly, unless

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Speaker 1: somebody explicitly tells me they're coming over. This is the

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Speaker 1: normal reaction I have to a knock at the door

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Speaker 1: or my doorbell rang. It is panic. My initial response

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Speaker 1: is to drop to the floor, to pretnomously to hide,

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Speaker 1: to wait until I like freeze until they I know

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Speaker 1: they leave. And honestly, I take that back, because sometimes

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Speaker 1: telling me you're coming over isn't even enough to stop

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Speaker 1: the panic. Because a couple of years ago, I heard

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Speaker 1: a knock at my door and myself and my roommate

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Speaker 1: at the time both dropped to the ground and hid,

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Speaker 1: waiting for the person to finally leave. And it wasn't

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Speaker 1: until my phone started ringing and I realized it was

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Speaker 1: my younger brother and my sister in law coming over

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Speaker 1: for the dinner that we had planned to have together.

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Speaker 1: I knew they were coming, and still I panicked when

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Speaker 1: somebody knocked on the door. And I'm realizing that the

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Speaker 1: panic that I have in those situations is oftentimes normal.

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Speaker 1: It is oftentimes the majority that it is scary when

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Speaker 1: somebody approaches your home, especially when you're not expecting them.

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Speaker 1: And I really started to wonder why, and I asked

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Speaker 1: this question on Instagram, and you guys gave me various answers,

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Speaker 1: but some of the things I was thinking about, like

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Speaker 1: has always been this way? Is it something about our generation?

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Speaker 1: Are we listening to too many true crime podcasts? Like?

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Speaker 1: What has been this shift? And if it hasn't always

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Speaker 1: been this way, what has been the shift in our

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Speaker 1: culture in our society that has made this thing that

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Speaker 1: seemingly I assume at one point was very normal and

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Speaker 1: welcomed so scary. And is it specific for different people

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Speaker 1: people because not everybody has this experience, and I think

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of things at play. One I had

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Speaker 1: to say before I get into this, I don't have

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Speaker 1: the real answer here, partly because I didn't do any

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Speaker 1: real research, like actual empirical research. But I also think

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Speaker 1: that this answer is probably more complex and nuanced. There's

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Speaker 1: not one thing that created this, because this also doesn't

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Speaker 1: affect everybody. But I do think that there is one

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Speaker 1: thing that I have been looking into that has played

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Speaker 1: a role in this and also has played a role

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Speaker 1: in a lot of the other parts of our social lives.

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Speaker 1: And before I started really looking into this, I was

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Speaker 1: wondering for myself if one of the reasons I felt

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Speaker 1: this way was because of the kind of neighborhood I

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Speaker 1: live in, and I don't know anybody on my street.

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Speaker 1: I know people who live in my neighborhood, but I

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Speaker 1: don't know the name of anybody who lives on my

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Speaker 1: actual street. And I have lived here for four years now.

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Speaker 1: I have moved houses on this street, lives in this

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Speaker 1: exact house for four years, but I have lived on

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Speaker 1: the street in the same pretty much general area for

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Speaker 1: four years. And the community that I live in is

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Speaker 1: a little different, Like there's not an HOA, there's not

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Speaker 1: like a neighborhood community center or neighborhood pool or anything

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Speaker 1: like that that I think would allow some of that

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Speaker 1: to happen naturally. But I do see my neighbors sometimes

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Speaker 1: we just don't speak. And my neighborhood is different in

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Speaker 1: the sense that there's a lot of diversity in it.

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Speaker 1: That could be a benefit, right regardless. I think to

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Speaker 1: me that was one of the thoughts, like, oh, do

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Speaker 1: I get scared of the knock on the door because

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Speaker 1: if it's my neighbor, I don't know them, And obviously

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Speaker 1: my neighbor wouldn't just knock on my door because we

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Speaker 1: don't talk to each other. If something happened like an

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Speaker 1: emergency and I needed somebody's help. I wouldn't be going

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Speaker 1: to my neighbors if I needed to borrow an egg

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Speaker 1: or some butter or something like that in the middle

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Speaker 1: of a baking project. I would drive to public before

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Speaker 1: I would knock on my neighbor's door. And it hasn't

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Speaker 1: always been that way, and I don't think that it's

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Speaker 1: that way everywhere. It is that way in the space

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Speaker 1: that I live, or at least it is for me.

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Speaker 1: And I was listening to another podcast on an unrelated

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Speaker 1: topic as I was working on my art project turned

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Speaker 1: uterus painting the last week and if you know, you know,

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Speaker 1: if you don't know, you can check out the real

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Speaker 1: I made on Instagram as well. But basically got this

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Speaker 1: jolt of energy to create this thing I saw on

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Speaker 1: Instagram that I couldn't afford. And I worked so hard

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Speaker 1: on this thing and put so many hours and really

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Speaker 1: enjoyed it. I put a lot of hours into it,

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Speaker 1: but I really enjoyed the process of it. And when

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Speaker 1: it was finished, I was so excited to go hang

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Speaker 1: it in my office and I set it up and

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Speaker 1: I immediately was like, one, this is ugly. Two I

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Speaker 1: found out it looked like I had painted a uterus,

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Speaker 1: so we'll be trying that again. AnyWho. As I was

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Speaker 1: doing that, I listened to a lot of podcasts while

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Speaker 1: I was working on it, and I listened to an

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Speaker 1: episode of b there in five that I actually referenced

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Speaker 1: on couch Talks last week because it was talking about

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Speaker 1: relevant to that conversation. But in that episode they also

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Speaker 1: mentioned this thing called the third place and how we

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Speaker 1: have a lack of them right now. So I did

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Speaker 1: what I do best when I find interesting topics, and

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Speaker 1: I went on a little deep dive. And if you're

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Speaker 1: unfamiliar with the third places, it is a term that

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Speaker 1: was created or coined by sociologist Ray Oldenberg, and it

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Speaker 1: describes a place or places that are outside of your

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Speaker 1: first place, which is your home and your second place,

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Speaker 1: which is work, where people go to just connect with

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Speaker 1: others and it's a casual environment where no one's obligated

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Speaker 1: to be there. Finances do not and should not prevent

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Speaker 1: someone from going to a place like this, and it's

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Speaker 1: just basically a place where you go to connect with

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Speaker 1: other people in your community for the sake of community

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Speaker 1: and conversation. Productivity is not part of the plan. It's

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Speaker 1: not about making something, creating something. It's literally just for leisure.

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Speaker 1: And in these places, they're going to include people you

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Speaker 1: don't know, They're going to include people you kind of

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Speaker 1: know acquaintances, and they're going to probably include good friends

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Speaker 1: that you have as well. And one of the things

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Speaker 1: that I really want to drive home there is one

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Speaker 1: of the requirements for this is nobody's forcing you to

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Speaker 1: show up and be there. It is something that you

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Speaker 1: get to just choose. Now, some of you are probably

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Speaker 1: going to be like, oh, I have one of those,

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Speaker 1: and some of you guys are going to be like, huh,

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Speaker 1: what I don't, And also who cares? But third places

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Speaker 1: play a really important role in helping us build both

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Speaker 1: individual and collective identities outside of the first and second place,

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Speaker 1: the home and the workplace. So there's more to you

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Speaker 1: than the roles you play at home and the roles

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Speaker 1: that you play at work, and what you do at

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Speaker 1: work and what you accomplish there. They are social hubs

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Speaker 1: and they really allow the space to bridge the gap

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Speaker 1: in this loneliness epidemic that we've been having. And I

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Speaker 1: know there are some people that are like I'm more introverted,

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Speaker 1: and I don't really want a ton of social interaction,

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Speaker 1: and so I don't really think that's necessary. And I

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Speaker 1: hear that. And also I was reading an article from

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Speaker 1: today called do you have a third Place? Here's why

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Speaker 1: finding one is a key for your well being, And

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Speaker 1: in it I'm going to read just a quote that

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Speaker 1: I thought was important and speaks to that even if

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Speaker 1: you aren't always an active social force in a third place,

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Speaker 1: just showing up matters. It's crucial for people to escape

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Speaker 1: from a sense of loneliness and build a sense of community.

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Speaker 1: Some people go to a third place just to be

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Speaker 1: surrounded by other people watch them and rest while just

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Speaker 1: enjoying the ambiance and white noise. And I totally feel

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Speaker 1: that because sometimes I don't want to be the center

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Speaker 1: of attention or put a lot of energy into something,

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Speaker 1: but it does feel nice to be around something and

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Speaker 1: be entertained in some way or feed off of the

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Speaker 1: social energy of others. Now, historically these kinds of places

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Speaker 1: would be like parks or neighborhood coffee shops, bars, churches,

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Speaker 1: places of worship. If you think of like the central

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Speaker 1: perk from friends, that's a third place, or the bar

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Speaker 1: and cheers. That's a third place. And while those places

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Speaker 1: still exist, they I believe exists in a different way

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Speaker 1: in at least my world. There is another article iuse

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Speaker 1: reading in The Atlantic, where the author Ali Conti wrote,

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Speaker 1: the Arsat's third place is a consequence of a culture

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Speaker 1: obsessed with productivity and status, whose subjects might have decent

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Speaker 1: incomes but little recreational time. Urban dwelling Americans, however, tend

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Speaker 1: to place work at the center of life, in part

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Speaker 1: because cities are so expensive to live in. They might

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Speaker 1: work a fifty hour week to survive, leaving little to

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Speaker 1: no time for leisure and community engagement. Unstructured quality time

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Speaker 1: with friends is replaced with a scheduled series of continuous catchups. Subsequently,

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Speaker 1: these overscheduled people lack meaningful ties with their neighbors ding ding, ding,

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Speaker 1: and so they patronize spaces to make those connections even

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Speaker 1: less frequently. And I think that there are a couple

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Speaker 1: big reasons that these third places are not as prevalent,

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Speaker 1: or not as available, or not as frequented. One of

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Speaker 1: them speaks to what that quote was just saying, we

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Speaker 1: don't have the time. We are living in a world

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Speaker 1: that is so hyper focused on success, on getting things done,

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Speaker 1: on achieving that the simple pleasure of connecting and connection

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Speaker 1: becomes something that continuously gets pushed farther down on the

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Speaker 1: to do list, to the point I think some of

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Speaker 1: us stop even putting it on the list. At the

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Speaker 1: end of the workday, you don't want to do anything,

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Speaker 1: so you stop saying hang with friends, visit somebody, have

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Speaker 1: a conversation. I know me, I don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: on the phone. I don't a lot of times after work,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to talk to anybody. I want to

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Speaker 1: just zone out and watch TV. And part of that

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Speaker 1: is because of how jam packed and I think strenuous

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Speaker 1: in different ways all of work can be strenuous in

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Speaker 1: all different ways. Our workdays are now where the simple

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Speaker 1: act of spending time with new people can be an

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Speaker 1: unnecessarily complex challenge. Right, So, if I don't even want

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Speaker 1: to talk to a friend that I know really well,

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Speaker 1: I definitely am not going to have the energy to

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Speaker 1: do something that is genuinely simple, to go and talk

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Speaker 1: to somebody. The idea of doing that has become so big,

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Speaker 1: and I think really does genuinely feel so big. We

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Speaker 1: make it bigger than it used to be part of

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Speaker 1: that is because we don't do it anymore right, We

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Speaker 1: haven't had the energy to do it. So then now

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Speaker 1: doing something like that feels even bigger than it would

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Speaker 1: have been if we do it more often. Right, starting

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Speaker 1: is the hardest part, so it starts to feel bigger

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Speaker 1: and harder, and really that avoidance perpetuates the magnitude of

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Speaker 1: what socialization really is, where it feels like it takes

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Speaker 1: more out of me than I get. And if I'm

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Speaker 1: going to do something for fun, I'm probably going to

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Speaker 1: prioritize these big things that I want to put on

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Speaker 1: my list, then the small, you know, just have a

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Speaker 1: conversation with somebody random, or go into an experience where

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Speaker 1: I don't know I'm going to get out of it.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to fill my calendar, my social calendar, with

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Speaker 1: a thing that I want to attend versus these things

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Speaker 1: that I could take her leave, and life in general

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Speaker 1: I think is more complex. It's interesting. We're in summer

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Speaker 1: right now, and I think summer oftentimes it's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna have so much time to rest and see

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Speaker 1: each other and do things, But then summer ends up

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Speaker 1: being less of a break to slow down and more

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Speaker 1: of a little blip of time because we've packed so

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Speaker 1: many things in that space, and I have this experience

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Speaker 1: I feel like every summer where I think I'm going

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Speaker 1: to have all this time to make these random hangouts

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Speaker 1: or see people or do things. But I'm doing so

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Speaker 1: many things that I've had planned for the summer that

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Speaker 1: I don't get to do the everyday regular things. So

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Speaker 1: not having time is a big part why these third

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Speaker 1: places don't so much exist. The other thing is there's

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Speaker 1: so many other ways we find leisure, and I think

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Speaker 1: that has to do with just the way our society

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Speaker 1: and culture has shifted, especially with the development of different things,

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Speaker 1: and you know, think about TV and television and that

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Speaker 1: kind of entertainment. Used to watch an episode of a

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Speaker 1: show every week, right, So if there's a show I liked,

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Speaker 1: I would, you know, watch it on Thursday nights. And

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Speaker 1: maybe there's two shows on Thursday, and I don't know.

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Speaker 1: But now we're getting shows in entirety, right, So instead

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Speaker 1: of spending an hour watching TV, I could be watching

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Speaker 1: TV for five hours and not be bored. And there

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Speaker 1: could be also a million different TV shows I could

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Speaker 1: be watching because of streaming services, and let's say, you

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Speaker 1: don't even you're even watching shows like social media success

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Speaker 1: in As the world has changed, the way we have

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Speaker 1: entertained ourselves has changed dramatically with it. Instead of things

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Speaker 1: like bunco groups, we binge watch entire television series. Like

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Speaker 1: I was saying in one evening, that's the social thing

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Speaker 1: that I'm doing, that's the leisurely thing I'm doing, instead

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Speaker 1: of hanging out with friends and having a good time

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Speaker 1: in that way, and it feels easier, and I'm already

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Speaker 1: so exhausted from the workday, I'm more likely going to

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Speaker 1: just want to lay on the couch and do that

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Speaker 1: than have to put the effort to then go have

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Speaker 1: those conversations and those experiences. We can lose two hours

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Speaker 1: more than that. Sometimes scrolling TikTok instead of having an

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Speaker 1: actual conversation at a local spot, whether that's a restaurant,

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Speaker 1: a borrow coffee shop, or a community center, we can

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Speaker 1: get stuck just scrolling our phones, and instead of having

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Speaker 1: these real conversations with people about current events, we can

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Speaker 1: tweet at people, people that we have probably never met

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Speaker 1: and probably will never actually meet, maybe not even ever

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Speaker 1: re interact with again after we tweet at them. And

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Speaker 1: I think again, part of that's because we're exhausted, and

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Speaker 1: part of it's because our social muscles have like atrophied.

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Speaker 1: We haven't been working them, we haven't been using them.

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Speaker 1: And so it feels again, going to back what I

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Speaker 1: was saying earlier, doing this other stuff sometimes feels impossible.

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Speaker 1: It feels so hard when I think it used to

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Speaker 1: be like a natural instinct. Ps. As I was developing

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Speaker 1: this episode and writing some stuff down, I started thinking

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Speaker 1: about those bunko groups and I literally had to take

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Speaker 1: a pause and started to like, actually organize a bunko

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Speaker 1: group because I want that, Like I want those things

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Speaker 1: to feel more natural, and I want to feel excited

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Speaker 1: about them. And I know a lot of people are

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Speaker 1: doing book clubs and stuff like that. Side note three

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Speaker 1: quarts Therapy might be developing something like that soon, But

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Speaker 1: I also wanted something that felt more I'm more of

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Speaker 1: a lover of board games and all of that than

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Speaker 1: a reader, and it's something that I remember my parents doing,

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Speaker 1: having these monthly groups where all their friends would get

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Speaker 1: together and they would have so much fun. And we

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Speaker 1: still have those people still do that, but I want

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Speaker 1: us to have more of it, and I want it

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Speaker 1: to be like a normal experience for us versus this.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that sounds like so much work. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to commit to that. It's another thing on

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Speaker 1: my calendar. If socialization and community is important, then I

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Speaker 1: have to start prioritizing it so it does not feel

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Speaker 1: like it is such a burden versus it is part

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Speaker 1: of my life. It also makes me think about how

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Speaker 1: I went on a walk last weekend with Patrick in

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Speaker 1: a park near our neighborhood, which normally I think in

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Speaker 1: the past could be considered a third place. But we

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Speaker 1: don't really communicate or talk to anybody else at this park.

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Speaker 1: And also when it comes to parks, I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of communities created these things for third places, for

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Speaker 1: shared community and environments, and as the world has shifted,

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Speaker 1: it's kind of creepy to walk up to a stranger

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Speaker 1: at a park now. Like if you're hanging out at

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Speaker 1: a park and you're laying by yourself somewhere, or you're

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Speaker 1: on a walk, there's a lot of stranger danger. I

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Speaker 1: think that we're experiencing as well, so that plays a

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Speaker 1: role in this. But anyway, we were walking and as

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Speaker 1: we were walking, we passed a woman who made a

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Speaker 1: casual and kind upbeat comment to us, and our initial

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Speaker 1: reaction was, what a strange thing to do, you know,

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Speaker 1: talk to a stranger, say hello to a stranger. And

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Speaker 1: after Patrick and I talked about the interaction for a second,

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Speaker 1: I was like, we are the weirdos. We are the

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Speaker 1: weird ones. The fact that you would complain or think

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Speaker 1: it's weird or like scoff or whatever when somebody says

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Speaker 1: hello and makes a friendly comment that maybe who knows,

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Speaker 1: maybe they were hoping for a conversation or to spark something,

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Speaker 1: and that was their intro into it. The fact that

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Speaker 1: I think that's weird, That is weird. Somebody was just

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Speaker 1: being friendly, And I think that kind of explained some

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Speaker 1: of this social exhaustion. I go to this park and

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Speaker 1: I complain about having to see people that I know,

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Speaker 1: because I so often want to go on a walk

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Speaker 1: to relax and decompress, but I want to completely disconnect

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Speaker 1: from everybody, and I don't want to have to stop

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Speaker 1: what I'm doing or share that experience with somebody. And

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Speaker 1: I do think that there's a time and a place

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Speaker 1: where like, yes, we need our alone time. That's not

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying at all. But I think that my

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Speaker 1: knee jerk reaction of needing so much of it or

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00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:16,960
Speaker 1: being so exhausted by the interactions that I do have,

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Speaker 1: that I don't have space for these just leisurely, just

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Speaker 1: for joy communications because maybe I'm exhausted at home or

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Speaker 1: exhausted in the workplace. That I think is part of

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Speaker 1: an issue really that I see where our communities are

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Speaker 1: so divided right like I don't know my community because

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Speaker 1: I don't have the social energy to do so, when

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Speaker 1: that could bring so much more joy and help in

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Speaker 1: my life and bring us together versus create this such individualized, separate,

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Speaker 1: than polarizing experience we're having in our communities now. I

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Speaker 1: also think that speaking to this idea that there are

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Speaker 1: so many different ways we find leisure is part of

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Speaker 1: the issue with this is not just that we aren't

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Speaker 1: going in public to find our leisure. I think another

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Speaker 1: thing that plays into that is there are so many

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Speaker 1: more opportunities and options, Like there are so many options

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Speaker 1: to have and there are so many places to go

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Speaker 1: depending on where you live. Instead of just going to

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Speaker 1: the neighborhood coffee shop. I live in Nashville, there's a

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Speaker 1: new coffee shop to try every month. There are all

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Speaker 1: these new places, and it feels like the establishments that

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Speaker 1: have been around here the longest are closing down more

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Speaker 1: often than staying consistent because of so many of these

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Speaker 1: new places. And you know how we are. We love newness,

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Speaker 1: we love shine, we love excitement, and the safeness and

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Speaker 1: the I won't even say the health and the normalcy

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Speaker 1: of going to the same places becomes very boring, and

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Speaker 1: we're tired of it because maybe we're not talking to

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Speaker 1: people when we're there. Those places are going away more often,

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Speaker 1: and all these new places are popping up. And I

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Speaker 1: think that's the same with restaurants, it's the same with

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Speaker 1: your neighborhood bars. I imagine this feels different depending on

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Speaker 1: where you live. I think there can be different roadblocks

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Speaker 1: when it comes to this idea. Maybe in some role

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Speaker 1: places there aren't enough options, there's no options at all,

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Speaker 1: And then places like I am right now, there are

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Speaker 1: too many, and these old establishments with a nostrogia can't

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Speaker 1: keep up with these new, fancier places that are coming in,

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Speaker 1: or they're getting bought and turning into something else, and

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00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,880
Speaker 1: then those places become these revolving doors. There's so many

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Speaker 1: buildings around here that stay open for less than a year,

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Speaker 1: and people keep putting something else in the same spot

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Speaker 1: and nothing sticks. And we've almost like lost trust in

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Speaker 1: the establishments, I think, because they come and go so

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Speaker 1: fast and they're not around long enough for a community

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Speaker 1: to really be solidified, especially at the rate that we're

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Speaker 1: going to them, right, that we're going to them regularly.

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Speaker 1: So then that leads me to this third idea that

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Speaker 1: I think is kind of roadblocking us into having these

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Speaker 1: third place that we used to have more regularly, and

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Speaker 1: that is just our social skills. And I think I've

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00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,560
Speaker 1: layered that into what I've already said, and it sounds

411
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,159
Speaker 1: weird because I feel like this is also something that

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00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,920
Speaker 1: should be advancing versus trending down. But the more technology

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Speaker 1: that adds to the ease of our lives, like the

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00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:22,880
Speaker 1: different streaming services, like the social media, like all these

415
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,040
Speaker 1: different things that adds ease to our lives, it's also

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00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:29,679
Speaker 1: stealing opportunity for us to develop, to develop as people,

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00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 1: to develop as groups, to develop our own skills in

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Speaker 1: different areas, one of those skills being our social skills.

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Speaker 1: I was talking to somebody the other day because I

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Speaker 1: use chat GBT for the first time, which is such

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Speaker 1: a weird thing to me. It scares me a little bit.

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Speaker 1: And I was talking about, like, how are we going

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Speaker 1: to develop our writing skills? How are we going to

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00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,359
Speaker 1: develop our critical thinking skills? How are we going to

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00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:58,359
Speaker 1: develop our problem solving skills? And we have these robots

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Speaker 1: that just do all this for us, And so there's that,

427
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,720
Speaker 1: but it's also stealing from our social skills. And social

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00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,080
Speaker 1: skills are skills. There are things that we can learn.

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Speaker 1: We can have more of a natural way of leaning

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00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 1: into that, just like any other skill. But it's also

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00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 1: a skill that can be and is often learned through

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00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:22,959
Speaker 1: our experiences and through our communities and our surroundings, and

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Speaker 1: a lot of us are really out of practice. I mean,

434
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,240
Speaker 1: even just the idea of small talk can be so

435
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,400
Speaker 1: difficult these days. People don't know how to do it.

436
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:33,960
Speaker 1: One because we don't like it. I could go on

437
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 1: a whole different conversation around that, but a part of

438
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,080
Speaker 1: it is it scares us because we just don't know

439
00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:43,880
Speaker 1: how to do it and everything's awkward. And I mean

440
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,600
Speaker 1: I'm the first to make a joke about that. I

441
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,880
Speaker 1: even posted the other day about my fear of going.

442
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,040
Speaker 1: As I was doing my art project turned uterous painting,

443
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,560
Speaker 1: I had to go and talk to the people at

444
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,119
Speaker 1: Low's and ask them to cut some pieces of wood

445
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,439
Speaker 1: frame for me. That took so much out of me.

446
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,680
Speaker 1: There was nerves around it for different reasons. But these

447
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,920
Speaker 1: things that used to be so simple, going to the

448
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,439
Speaker 1: hardware store and asking for some help, or being in

449
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,560
Speaker 1: line the grocery store and start talking to the person

450
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,920
Speaker 1: next to you, they're scary. We don't do them. And again,

451
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,160
Speaker 1: like the woman that said hello to me, people think

452
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,000
Speaker 1: that they're weird, and I don't think that they need

453
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:25,439
Speaker 1: to be. And so it's interesting because one of the

454
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:29,480
Speaker 1: most common frustrations I hear in my office centers around

455
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:33,959
Speaker 1: the difficulty in finding and maintaining friendships and community in adulthood.

456
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:38,600
Speaker 1: I think that the individualism that has helped us grow

457
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:43,680
Speaker 1: in so many ways has also stolen an essential part

458
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,359
Speaker 1: of creating a meaningful life. Like we can move to

459
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,520
Speaker 1: a new city and follow our dreams, but we can't

460
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:53,040
Speaker 1: go to a bar and sit down and strike up

461
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:55,800
Speaker 1: a conversation with the person next to us. And again,

462
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,199
Speaker 1: there's a host of reasons of where that comes from

463
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:02,040
Speaker 1: and why that is but if you're asking, like, okay,

464
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:06,840
Speaker 1: who really cares, Like yes, community, Yes, it's one of

465
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,600
Speaker 1: the reasons. Maybe you're scared of the person that you're door.

466
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,640
Speaker 1: Why does this really matter? I really think these third

467
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,240
Speaker 1: places matter for so many reasons. One, like I mentioned,

468
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 1: the lack of these places really does play a role

469
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,520
Speaker 1: in the loneliness epidemic we have been facing for the

470
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,520
Speaker 1: past I don't know, decade, but we've actually been paying

471
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 1: attention to for the past couple of years. Like that

472
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:30,120
Speaker 1: didn't start with the pandemic. I think it was exacerbated

473
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:32,320
Speaker 1: by it, which honestly might have been a good thing,

474
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,560
Speaker 1: so we did start paying attention to it. But the

475
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:40,040
Speaker 1: difficulty of finding friendships and maintaining those friendships and maintaining

476
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:43,280
Speaker 1: social connection, and the issue that there aren't places that

477
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,040
Speaker 1: we can just show up and be seen and see

478
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,080
Speaker 1: other people in the way that we used to have

479
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: these places, to me, it is something we should be

480
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:54,639
Speaker 1: concerned about, Like we're so worried about and sometimes we

481
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,439
Speaker 1: think we're worried about the collective culture, but a lot

482
00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:02,160
Speaker 1: of times we really do overcorrect. And this selfless versus

483
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 1: selfishness where there has to be a middle ground where

484
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 1: I want to be involved in a part of my

485
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,600
Speaker 1: community and I want to take care of others and

486
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,399
Speaker 1: I want to take care of myself those things are

487
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:17,440
Speaker 1: allowed to coexist. I think I talked about this about

488
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,440
Speaker 1: the over correctedness we do with like setting boundaries. It's

489
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,280
Speaker 1: all of a sudden we're cutting everybody out of our

490
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:26,679
Speaker 1: lives versus just setting boundaries or knowing that there I

491
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,199
Speaker 1: might need some extra self care in some areas, or

492
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,120
Speaker 1: people can be problematic, but it doesn't mean that they're toxic.

493
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,160
Speaker 1: Like We've just overcorrected in a lot of ways. That

494
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 1: has also ripped opportunities away from us. And people don't

495
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,040
Speaker 1: have to be all good and all bad all the time.

496
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,000
Speaker 1: There can be a middle ground and I can still

497
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:54,320
Speaker 1: share positive experiences with people that aren't perfect in every way.

498
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,359
Speaker 1: I really do think that this is part of the

499
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,920
Speaker 1: issue that we have dividing us as an entire country,

500
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 1: not just individual communities. In the same article in The

501
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:07,639
Speaker 1: Atlantic that I referenced earlier, there was a professor at

502
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 1: Colorado College that was quoted saying a world made up

503
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:15,240
Speaker 1: of atomized, physically isolated people is a world without true

504
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:20,680
Speaker 1: shared reality, which is a recipe for civic disengagement, misinformation,

505
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:25,680
Speaker 1: and perhaps even political extremism. And I'm not getting into

506
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,159
Speaker 1: the politics of all of this. That's not what this

507
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 1: is really pointing at. It's actually pointing out the issue

508
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 1: with it, right. The lack of socialization within our community

509
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:38,560
Speaker 1: is creating more polarizing divides between us. The simple conversations

510
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,520
Speaker 1: aren't happening anymore, where we can enjoy parts of each

511
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 1: other and shared positive experiences before we make an opinion

512
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:50,560
Speaker 1: that's opposite of the halo effect based on certain beliefs

513
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:52,240
Speaker 1: that we do not share or we assume that we

514
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,400
Speaker 1: do not share. We are not finding ourselves in spaces

515
00:27:55,440 --> 00:28:00,679
Speaker 1: where we are sitting and having normal, calm, less extreme

516
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,640
Speaker 1: conversations about certain topics because we're just not having conversations

517
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 1: at all. And I really do think the lack of

518
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,080
Speaker 1: a third space creates a lack of the wider community,

519
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:15,240
Speaker 1: almost where community becomes a luxury and to some a

520
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,960
Speaker 1: burden versus the way in which we survive. I honestly

521
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:22,000
Speaker 1: sometimes think we're like scared of people, not in the

522
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:24,680
Speaker 1: sense that like I'm scared at the person at my door.

523
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,959
Speaker 1: I think it turns into that, but we're just scared

524
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: of people in general, because what we do end up seeing,

525
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,800
Speaker 1: because we are not sharing spaces and having conversations with

526
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 1: these diverse people and having communities that are not all

527
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,560
Speaker 1: or nothing, we see the extreme sides of things because

528
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 1: that's what we're seeing on things like social media, that's

529
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:46,920
Speaker 1: what's being platformed on there. And so I think as

530
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,360
Speaker 1: much as we're afraid of what others think, we are

531
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:51,720
Speaker 1: afraid of what other people think of us, Like we

532
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:54,760
Speaker 1: don't want to get into these conversations or have conversations

533
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 1: about certain things. We tiptoe around things, and then we

534
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:01,640
Speaker 1: end up avoiding them at all costs, honestly, because we

535
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,840
Speaker 1: assume that the majority of how people think and know

536
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,520
Speaker 1: and what people know and how smart people are and

537
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: all that stuff is we're comparing to that to what

538
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 1: we see on social media, and that's such an extreme

539
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 1: version of what how most people live and what most

540
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,280
Speaker 1: people will know, and how most people will just work

541
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:22,000
Speaker 1: and operate. The less I keep using the word extreme,

542
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,800
Speaker 1: but it's I mean the less polarized, the less loud,

543
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 1: the less angry, Like the lesser of those voices isn't shared,

544
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,560
Speaker 1: and so we're just not talking to anybody And that's

545
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,240
Speaker 1: actually what I talked about last week on couch Talks

546
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:35,560
Speaker 1: when I was talking about answering a question on a

547
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 1: listener who was sharing that her and her partner don't

548
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:41,080
Speaker 1: have the same political beliefs, so they don't know how

549
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:44,320
Speaker 1: to have conversations about it. We're so scared all the time.

550
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:48,680
Speaker 1: But my greater point in that is that by not

551
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:52,600
Speaker 1: having these third places, by not having these community centers.

552
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:54,440
Speaker 1: When I say that, I like think of like the

553
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:57,600
Speaker 1: old community center, like a senior citizen center or something

554
00:29:57,640 --> 00:29:59,320
Speaker 1: like that, but I just mean like community centers, like

555
00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:02,160
Speaker 1: places where people just feel safe to come and like

556
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,719
Speaker 1: chat and you see the regulars, and you meet this

557
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:07,560
Speaker 1: person their acquaintance, and then you're able to say hi

558
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 1: to them at the grocery store, and then maybe you

559
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:12,440
Speaker 1: see them at the soccer complex when your kids are

560
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,960
Speaker 1: having a game, and we just have a wider net

561
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:19,000
Speaker 1: of human beings in real life. But the ability for

562
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,000
Speaker 1: us to not have these spaces where we meet these

563
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:25,920
Speaker 1: people and we have these conversations are keeping us in

564
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:32,120
Speaker 1: these tighter, more almost like dungeon like circles of community.

565
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:35,240
Speaker 1: It often feels like the communities that we're in are

566
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:42,720
Speaker 1: these separate very almost like elite or exclusive social clubs

567
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:47,160
Speaker 1: that only certain people are allowed in and out, and

568
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: it's hard to get in or it's hard to even

569
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 1: know where they are. We just separate ourselves so much

570
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:56,280
Speaker 1: versus come together. And there's something to that that like exclusivity.

571
00:30:56,320 --> 00:31:00,160
Speaker 1: There's honestly, there's so much psychology behind that. I think

572
00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:03,640
Speaker 1: I would love to research the science of that, because

573
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 1: exclusiveness is attractive, Right, you want things that less people have, Right,

574
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:12,200
Speaker 1: that's what makes certain items more like oh, there's only

575
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:14,280
Speaker 1: three made in the world, so they're more expensive, they're

576
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,920
Speaker 1: of more value. If less people are allowed into this

577
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 1: social club, they're of more value. And I think about

578
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:23,760
Speaker 1: like the Soho houses in the different cities. It's you

579
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 1: have to apply to get in and if you have

580
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 1: a membership, and they're expensive, so only a certain type

581
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 1: of person can even afford to be there. That's not

582
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 1: a third place because money is not supposed to keep

583
00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,560
Speaker 1: somebody in and out of this. Anybody should be allowed

584
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,320
Speaker 1: to show up and be there if they want. And

585
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 1: I even think about how fitness has changed where third

586
00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,200
Speaker 1: places might have been the gyms, Like when I grew up,

587
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,040
Speaker 1: I grew up in a neighborhood that had a community

588
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,640
Speaker 1: rec center, and to go work out at that rec

589
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:53,160
Speaker 1: center was like two dollars, and I think there's actually

590
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,440
Speaker 1: a place like that around here as well, where like

591
00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:57,840
Speaker 1: to take a class at one of these centers is

592
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,640
Speaker 1: like two or three dollars versus to take a workout

593
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:05,160
Speaker 1: class at these boutique fitness studios they're upwards of thirty bucks.

594
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 1: And I think part of that is one, it's a business,

595
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:11,640
Speaker 1: they're making money versus they're funded by the government or

596
00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:15,840
Speaker 1: the whoever. But also there is I think a part

597
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:19,840
Speaker 1: where people want to create that exclusive feeling where like

598
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:23,160
Speaker 1: to be here and to be seen as special, which

599
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 1: is an issue I think that I think there is

600
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,520
Speaker 1: with the fitness world, and that wellness and health should

601
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,960
Speaker 1: not be a luxury or a privilege. It should be

602
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,959
Speaker 1: something we are all allowed to be a part of.

603
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 1: That is really tough. And then when we find ourselves

604
00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:42,600
Speaker 1: in those exclusive social clubs or scenes, then we are

605
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,040
Speaker 1: creating almost like echo chambers. We're either not having those

606
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:49,400
Speaker 1: conversations where we're not hearing different opinions because we're scared

607
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 1: of each other, or we're surrounded by people that all

608
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 1: do think the same, and we're not having really fruitful conversations,

609
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,200
Speaker 1: and so we almost get so amped up on what

610
00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:00,400
Speaker 1: we believe and everybody around us is amping up, and

611
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: then when we are here's something that goes against that,

612
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 1: we want to fight versus go, oh, I've never thought

613
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 1: of it that way. Tell me more, or oh, you know,

614
00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:13,160
Speaker 1: I don't agree with that, but I still might like you,

615
00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:17,120
Speaker 1: like they've become the enemy. Maybe this is why I'm

616
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,520
Speaker 1: coming back to this idea that someone coming to my

617
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 1: door felt like an invasion of privacy, right, a panic,

618
00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:26,880
Speaker 1: a threat versus an opportunity to connect with somebody or

619
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,320
Speaker 1: a fun surprise. There would be no good reason for

620
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:32,240
Speaker 1: someone to be knocking on my door if I wasn't

621
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:35,719
Speaker 1: expecting somebody. That's the thought, Like, what would the reasoning

622
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 1: be because that doesn't happen versus it would be a

623
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:42,880
Speaker 1: normal part of our world, an unexpected addition to our

624
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 1: day versus a burden to have to talk to somebody.

625
00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:48,920
Speaker 1: It would be a good thing if we experienced it

626
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,920
Speaker 1: being a good thing more often, but we just don't.

627
00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:54,680
Speaker 1: And because I don't exist in a world where my

628
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:58,120
Speaker 1: neighbor might pop over, the vast majority of knocks on

629
00:33:58,160 --> 00:33:59,720
Speaker 1: my door will end up being from people that I

630
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:02,320
Speaker 1: don't want to be there, So that's going to be

631
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 1: where my brain is shifting now. They might not be

632
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 1: all people that are going to come rob me and

633
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:08,800
Speaker 1: murder me in my home, but they might be salespeople,

634
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,360
Speaker 1: or they might be I don't know. But because that

635
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,000
Speaker 1: is what I'm getting, I have nothing to compare it to.

636
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:17,440
Speaker 1: And I think my takeaway through this is one I'm

637
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,640
Speaker 1: going to start a Bunco group. I've already sent out

638
00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:22,319
Speaker 1: some texts and I will hold myself accountable for that,

639
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,319
Speaker 1: and it will be not just like my core group

640
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,040
Speaker 1: of friends. I want to invite people from different areas

641
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,920
Speaker 1: of my life into that, and also the idea of

642
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:33,160
Speaker 1: we can continue to add people to that and people

643
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,040
Speaker 1: can rotate in and out of it. It doesn't have

644
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 1: to be this fixed thing. But my other takeaway is

645
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:42,719
Speaker 1: I read this line in the article from today dot

646
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:45,600
Speaker 1: Com and I mentioned earlier, and it said we need

647
00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 1: physical spaces for serendipitous productivity, free conversation, and that really

648
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,800
Speaker 1: just like sums it up for me. We need spaces

649
00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:59,560
Speaker 1: where the goal is enjoyment rather than networking for work

650
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:03,400
Speaker 1: or gain social status, because when that's the goal of

651
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:06,440
Speaker 1: social interaction, it does feel like work. And when we're

652
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:08,960
Speaker 1: already exhausted by work, obviously we don't want to go

653
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:12,080
Speaker 1: do more. We're going to resort to those easier to

654
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 1: relax experiences that strip us from actually really honing in

655
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:21,880
Speaker 1: and developing social skills that connect us and benefit our health.

656
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:26,080
Speaker 1: We need places where there is an us mentality right

657
00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:31,960
Speaker 1: versus a better than or a scared of or against them,

658
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:37,000
Speaker 1: where the opportunity for unplanned moments shared is really welcomed

659
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:42,480
Speaker 1: versus feared. So my challenge for you one, if you

660
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:44,000
Speaker 1: have a third place, I want to hear it. I

661
00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:45,480
Speaker 1: want to know what it is. I want to know

662
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:48,719
Speaker 1: what it's like. What kind of place you even live in? Right,

663
00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 1: if you live in a big city, if you live

664
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,759
Speaker 1: in a moral roural era, if you live in the suburbs, Like,

665
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 1: tell me about your third place. If you don't have one,

666
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:58,840
Speaker 1: let's find one. And again, they don't have to be

667
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,359
Speaker 1: the go group. Right, there are any places where you

668
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:06,319
Speaker 1: can go and connect with people, and the connection can

669
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 1: be just a simple conversation with a stranger. And one

670
00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 1: of the articles I was reading it was telling about

671
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:14,960
Speaker 1: how she went, I don't know, somewhere to some meditation

672
00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:16,719
Speaker 1: group or yoga class or something. On her way back,

673
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:19,399
Speaker 1: she saw this building. She was curious, so she went

674
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:21,840
Speaker 1: into it and it was kind of like a social

675
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 1: club for the neighborhood, like a community bar or something

676
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:28,400
Speaker 1: like that. And she had a conversation with the bartender

677
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:30,960
Speaker 1: and they learned something about each other, and she enjoyed

678
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,279
Speaker 1: meeting this stranger, and it actually filled her cup up

679
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,799
Speaker 1: more than the yoga class she went to, which is

680
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:40,200
Speaker 1: so interesting because so often when I'm going to the gym,

681
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:42,799
Speaker 1: I'm not talking to anybody. I go in, I go out, like,

682
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:45,960
Speaker 1: that's not where I'm even finding this. I don't know,

683
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:50,440
Speaker 1: exposure to people that I think we expect to find

684
00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:53,880
Speaker 1: in those places now because we're so just stare ahead,

685
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,120
Speaker 1: that whole individualism idea. I'm going to go do what

686
00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:59,359
Speaker 1: I need to do, and I can't have anybody get

687
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,719
Speaker 1: in the way of it, where I kind of want

688
00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 1: want to let somebody get in the way of it.

689
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,160
Speaker 1: There's a neighborhood pizza place where I live that I love.

690
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:08,320
Speaker 1: I would love to be one of my third places.

691
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:10,759
Speaker 1: And I went with a couple friends months ago and

692
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:12,959
Speaker 1: sat at the bar. Sitting at the bar is such

693
00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:15,400
Speaker 1: a fun experience and also can be really scary. But

694
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 1: there was the persons they at the corner that we

695
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:20,799
Speaker 1: didn't know, and he just started talking about I don't know,

696
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 1: the game or something that was on TV. And we

697
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 1: had a whole conversation with him for our whole meal.

698
00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:27,640
Speaker 1: I've never spoken to him again, I probably never will

699
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 1: unless I run into him again. But it was fun

700
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:33,600
Speaker 1: to talk to him and it didn't steal anything. It

701
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:37,120
Speaker 1: actually brought some thought provoking conversations between me and my

702
00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:40,680
Speaker 1: friends later. And what if those kinds of things were

703
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:46,640
Speaker 1: exciting versus a bummer or avoided. I don't know. Maybe

704
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:48,719
Speaker 1: I would be less scared at my brother knocking on

705
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 1: my door. Maybe not, but I am willing to try

706
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:55,640
Speaker 1: to find out. So find a third place, or tell

707
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,600
Speaker 1: me about your third place, and let's do our own

708
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:01,560
Speaker 1: part to shift some of this loneliness stuff. Let's create

709
00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:04,160
Speaker 1: more spaces for people to be able to connect versus

710
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:08,000
Speaker 1: more spaces for us to avoid each other. That's what

711
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 1: I'm gonna end with. So I hope you guys have

712
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 1: the day you need to have. I will be back

713
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:13,680
Speaker 1: with you on Wednesday for Couch Talks. If you want

714
00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,640
Speaker 1: to follow me at kat Van Buren, at You Need

715
00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:22,440
Speaker 1: Therapy podcast, at three Quart Therapy, and Top Dealers