Speaker 1: Trigger warning.
Speaker 2: For this episode, we're going to be talking about mental health,
Speaker 2: postpartum depression, and trying to conceive.
Speaker 3: Scrubbing in with Becatilly and Tanya Brad and iHeartRadio and
Speaker 3: People's Choice Award winning podcast. Hello, everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 3: That is an unfamiliar voice because Tanya is gallivanting around
Speaker 3: Italy and scrubbing in with me today. Is my best
Speaker 3: friend manager Randy. To my clin Ali Grant, Welcome, though,
Speaker 3: I am so excited to be scrubbing in today. I'm
Speaker 3: so happy that you're here because you were here. I'm
Speaker 3: trying to think of when that was. Was that before
Speaker 3: or after your wedding?
Speaker 2: Because so much has happened since you were last on
Speaker 2: the podcast.
Speaker 3: I think it was right before my wedding. Oh it
Speaker 3: was pre what I think it was? Or was it
Speaker 3: two years ago? Yeah? A whole child since then, been
Speaker 3: pregnant since I think it was before the wedding or
Speaker 3: maybe like directly after. Yeah, it's a while, it's.
Speaker 1: Been a while.
Speaker 2: And we did have a slight breakdown trying to get
Speaker 2: her camera adjusted before this, and they had me seated
Speaker 2: next to her and I was like, she is We're
Speaker 2: not like Tanya, She's we need space, so we're like touching.
Speaker 3: We don't like I don't even really like looking at you,
Speaker 3: to be honest, I'm just gonna stare at John podcast today. Yeah.
Speaker 3: So we have a very it's like a very banter,
Speaker 3: heavy friendship, which I love. I love it.
Speaker 1: I don't even know where to begin.
Speaker 3: I feel like people have been wanting to have you
Speaker 3: on the podcast because I think cute. I think that
Speaker 3: you have recently been talking more about your experience of
Speaker 3: you know, getting pregnant and then postpartum, and you were
Speaker 3: kind of quiet for a while on socials, which people
Speaker 3: are not used to because you just been posted yeah quiet.
Speaker 3: I feel like we should start with wanting to have kids, Like,
Speaker 3: wanting to have kids?
Speaker 1: Was that something that.
Speaker 3: You've I want you to talk about this too. Oh okay,
Speaker 3: I talk about it on the podcast. If you were listening.
Speaker 3: I listened to every episode, I like take notes right right? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah you forgot. I forgot that you've talked about that before. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean I think I was like such an on
Speaker 3: the fencer what you call it for so long. It's
Speaker 3: like I would be around other people's kids and I'd
Speaker 3: be like, I don't want this, this sounds horrible. I
Speaker 3: love to sleep, like I'm like a sleeper like you,
Speaker 3: like I need ten hours to feel good in the morning.
Speaker 3: And I loved my life like I did, like I
Speaker 3: was very comfortable, you know, like feeling really really good.
Speaker 3: And I felt like the decision around having kids was
Speaker 3: like a really big one for me. I was never
Speaker 3: like a little girl that like dreamed of being a mommy,
Speaker 3: you know, like I never had that. It was never
Speaker 3: interesting to me. But the thing that I don't even
Speaker 3: know if you know this, the thing that changed me
Speaker 3: the most is that I saw a psychic at like
Speaker 3: someone's party.
Speaker 1: Do you know that, Oh you did tell me this?
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah. And I was like I'm going to ask her,
Speaker 3: like like I'm going to ask her if I should
Speaker 3: have kids. And she was like she sat me down
Speaker 3: and whatever, like felt my aura. She was like, you
Speaker 3: have souls waiting for you, Ali woa, And I like
Speaker 3: burst into tears, like when you hear it that way,
Speaker 3: like you have souls waiting for you. It's like, I
Speaker 3: don't know, it like shifted for me completely. And Remy
Speaker 3: is like such my little soul. That was like meant
Speaker 3: for me, like I really really do feel that way. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but that was something that like helped me decide. But
Speaker 3: I also read some books, some like op Eds. I Like,
Speaker 3: I would go like rogue on my Instagram stories, be
Speaker 3: like should I have kids? And like let people way
Speaker 3: in and like I was like crowdsourcing a very very
Speaker 3: personal decision. It's something that is so different for every
Speaker 3: everyone person. Yeah, it's all circumstantial, right, Like it's all relative.
Speaker 3: And my mom, like I've talked to you about this.
Speaker 3: My mom would be like nah. Like I did not
Speaker 3: have like a like parents being like when are you
Speaker 3: having kids? Like my mom would be like, eh, nah,
Speaker 3: you don't need kids. It's fine, They're not worth it.
Speaker 3: So I never I just didn't have that pressure, which
Speaker 3: I feel like a lot of women do like that,
Speaker 3: like to have grandkids. Yeah yeah, it's like when did
Speaker 3: my grandkids? And never had that question. But yeah, I
Speaker 3: mean we ultimately just like decided and we were like,
Speaker 3: let's do this. His identical twin got pregnant, and like
Speaker 3: identical twins like have a thing where they all have
Speaker 3: to like always do the same thing. So he was
Speaker 3: like okay, now, like he was he was ready, like
Speaker 3: mentally when I was like already kind of there and
Speaker 3: then so we just tried. And then so you were
Speaker 3: there before Carston was there. Yeah, like totally quietly maybe
Speaker 3: like I did it because I didn't want to be
Speaker 3: the one like let's have kids, and then like we
Speaker 3: like regretted it or something, and then like I was
Speaker 3: the one to blame, if that made sense, Like I
Speaker 3: wanted him to come to that decision on his own,
Speaker 3: and so I just was like yeah, like I kind
Speaker 3: of was just like, yeah, I don't know, could go
Speaker 3: either way. Like that was kind of like what I
Speaker 3: would say to people and to him. So y'all got married, uh,
Speaker 3: May twenty twenty four. Yeah, and then like that, when
Speaker 3: did y'all Like when do you feel like but before
Speaker 3: the wedding, had you felt like you wanted kids? Did
Speaker 3: the psychic thing happened before your wedding or was it
Speaker 3: after the psychic thing happened before by wedding? Yeah, I
Speaker 3: went into like the wedding, wedding kids, but you were
Speaker 3: pretty I feel like our conversations were very like cool
Speaker 3: about it because I just like I don't know, I
Speaker 3: like didn't I didn't also want to get like too
Speaker 3: excited about the idea and then it be like I
Speaker 3: really wanted my partner to be like all in on it,
Speaker 3: right right, Like that's like it's such a fifty well
Speaker 3: most of it's like only on the woman, but like
Speaker 3: raising a kid as fifty to fifteen totally. So I
Speaker 3: like I get I don't know, like probably like nearer
Speaker 3: around the wedding is like when I was like you
Speaker 3: locked in, I locked in. I was like, because remember
Speaker 3: I stopped drinking. I kind of went on like my
Speaker 3: health mode directly after that, so I like I had
Speaker 3: like an inkling in the mind.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but the drinking was for anxiety.
Speaker 3: I feel like initially stopped drinking because it was anxiety. Yeah,
Speaker 3: that's like the whole thing. Yeah, drinking causes severe anxiety
Speaker 3: for me, and I'm so glad I don't drink now,
Speaker 3: Like I will have like a margarita and like be
Speaker 3: on the floor.
Speaker 2: Yeah one hit wonder, might one might say full one
Speaker 2: hit wonder when did y'all start trying?
Speaker 1: Like what was the process of trying to conceive and everything?
Speaker 3: So you know me like I am so like everything
Speaker 3: has to be planned and structured and I like need
Speaker 3: to control.
Speaker 2: So tonya actually very y'all are so different, but y'all
Speaker 2: are so similar in in.
Speaker 3: That way way. Yeah. Yeah, Like I'm Type A, but
Speaker 3: I'm also like extremely type B. It's weird. I'm almost
Speaker 3: like a mix of you, like IM don't call me
Speaker 3: that though. When was it that we started to try?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 3: I got married in May. I got pregnant in November, yeah,
Speaker 3: because we found out at Morgan's Morgan's wedding when I
Speaker 3: was like three and a half weeks for I didn't
Speaker 3: even miss my period yet. We use something called a nido,
Speaker 3: which is like a like a like a tracker thing,
Speaker 3: like it tells you when you're like being fertile or not.
Speaker 3: So we use that from day one. I read this
Speaker 3: book I forget the name of it. It's like some
Speaker 3: fertility book I got on Amazon, and it like talked
Speaker 3: about keeping your feet warm, to like getting acupuncture kind
Speaker 3: of like holistic wellness to like get pregnant. And I
Speaker 3: like really like took it all heart. So that's why
Speaker 3: I like stopped caffeine, I stopped drinking, like I just
Speaker 3: tried to like live this like very like cozy, warm, calm,
Speaker 3: soft yeah life, and I feel like it's like an
Speaker 3: interesting method, Like all of it kind of makes sense
Speaker 3: and like acupuncture to me like really makes sense too.
Speaker 3: So anyways, did all of that We tried once, so
Speaker 3: we had sex once one day six marriage. No, Like
Speaker 3: the amount of times you actually have to have sex
Speaker 3: during trying to conceive is crazy, Like it's literally fourteen
Speaker 3: days in a row, like you are like raw, like
Speaker 3: it is like it is like what are you and
Speaker 3: not to be like rude to Carson, but are you
Speaker 3: enjoying it? Or is it like like business like it
Speaker 3: is like get your ass over here and we're having
Speaker 3: sex and like just laid out. It's not like it's
Speaker 3: kind of I mean for other people maybe it is
Speaker 3: like enjoyable thing, but it felt very like transactional, right,
Speaker 3: like let's let's get this done right, and then you
Speaker 3: have to have your feet up after. Like nothing about
Speaker 3: it is like sensual or whatever. Although having an orgasm
Speaker 3: for the woman I feel like really helps you conceive,
Speaker 3: really is it fact? No, it's like it's told me that. No,
Speaker 3: but just like think about like having an orgasm and
Speaker 3: like what happens down there and like since it like
Speaker 3: opens things up, you know, and then like the sperm, and.
Speaker 2: I don't have the experience personally, not experiencing.
Speaker 3: I know. That's another thing that I feel strongly about,
Speaker 3: is like the woman should have or try to have
Speaker 3: an orgasm. So try to make it as pleasurable as
Speaker 3: getting your micrator out if you need to. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know. Okay, so y'all had one sex. I was
Speaker 3: trying to think. I think the first time we did it,
Speaker 3: we did it like like it's like two days before
Speaker 3: your ovulaty and then like ovulation day, and then like
Speaker 3: three days after you ovulate, so it's like a matter
Speaker 3: of a week. That's like your window and then whatever.
Speaker 3: I like swore I was pregnant, but I wasn't, no,
Speaker 3: because we were in Vegas. Yea, yeah is that? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Remember I was like, I'm definitely I felt it, but
Speaker 3: I wasn't. And and the reason I feel like I wasn't, well,
Speaker 3: I'm sure there's a million reasons. The chances of getting
Speaker 3: pregnant in any one session or whatever is really really low.
Speaker 3: It's like fifteen or twenty percent. It's not crazy, and
Speaker 3: like we're all grown up to like be like so
Speaker 3: afraid of like getting pregnant. Twenty four to seven, like
Speaker 3: it's I mean, obviously when you're like sixteen, it's easier,
Speaker 3: but like it's kind of crazy how hard getting pregnant is.
Speaker 3: But anyways, we use lube, and so lube I think
Speaker 3: kills the sperm. Not. I think. I think it's like
Speaker 3: a science thing that makes sense. I don't think you're
Speaker 3: I know, you're not like talking about sperm that much.
Speaker 3: I'm I'm a grown adult. I realize that. I realized
Speaker 3: people are navigating lives with sperm. Yeah, there's a lot
Speaker 3: that there is a lot of sperm floating around. So yeah,
Speaker 3: we used lube, and you know that just that just
Speaker 3: hurt the chances. Yeah, did not get pregnant. Second time
Speaker 3: we did get pregnant. Wow, Yeah, were you I didn't
Speaker 3: feel like, oh my god, even though you were trying
Speaker 3: to feel like, oh my gosh. Yeah, but you kind
Speaker 3: of are like wait what, Like you're like no, like
Speaker 3: are you sure? Like Carson's like no, you're not, No,
Speaker 3: You're not, no, You're not. Like I would show him
Speaker 3: the strip and he'd be like no, I don't think.
Speaker 1: So I think this is sooner than I was.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I mean I've just like in my mind
Speaker 3: like people tell you takes a year or more like
Speaker 3: like that was what was kind of like in my mind.
Speaker 3: So yeah, it was really quick, which I'm like, in
Speaker 3: hindsight like very feel like very grateful and blessed, and
Speaker 3: like the trying to conceive journey or era is like
Speaker 3: very sensitive and delicate, and there's like so much emotion
Speaker 3: that goes into it, including lots of heartbreak and excitement
Speaker 3: and ups and downs, and so it's like, I know
Speaker 3: also like my personality, I think I would have it
Speaker 3: would have been really hard for me, really really hard
Speaker 3: for me. And like you know number two if we
Speaker 3: do go down there, like who knows what's going to happen.
Speaker 3: But I feel very very blessed. And I do want
Speaker 3: to say that and preface that because it's trying to
Speaker 3: con see if it's it's and be very hard.
Speaker 2: And it's also there's so many there's so much information,
Speaker 2: there's so much advice and you're hearing yeah, people.
Speaker 3: Say you should do this, you should do this, and
Speaker 3: it feels it seems very overwhelming just from yeah, what
Speaker 3: I've learned of you know, friends going through it. Yeah, yeah, no,
Speaker 3: it's tough and there's and that's i think that there's
Speaker 3: so much noise around, like pregnancy and labor and trying
Speaker 3: to conceive, and like I think, like navigating that noise
Speaker 3: is really difficult too. You have any like influencer or
Speaker 3: whatever saying what they think is the right thing, Like
Speaker 3: even me just sitting here talking about what I think
Speaker 3: is right, Like, don't listen to me, like I'm an idiot,
Speaker 3: Like I have a degree in journalism literally everything.
Speaker 2: You have to do your research, and you have to
Speaker 2: do what is best for you and your your body
Speaker 2: and your lifestyle realistically.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and be realistic about it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So you get pregnant, and let's talk about pregnancy
Speaker 2: as well on a doozy for all.
Speaker 3: Involved, Like, of course, my pregnancy was the way it
Speaker 3: was right, like it It's funny because like labor was
Speaker 3: really great and easy for me. Getting pregnant was really
Speaker 3: easy for me. My pregnancy, like I didn't have complications,
Speaker 3: but I was so sick, like so unwell, Like I
Speaker 3: was bedridden for probably like three or four months, well,
Speaker 3: definitely the first trimester. Yeah, and second it was up
Speaker 3: to twenty six weeks. I was still throwing up and nauseous,
Speaker 3: which is isn't that Like second end of second trimester.
Speaker 1: That's hard to say.
Speaker 3: I don't know, it's it's deep into the pregnancy.
Speaker 2: So you you did go past the first trimester with
Speaker 2: the nausea and all that.
Speaker 3: Yes, where were you were?
Speaker 1: I just felt like you were always tired. I didn't
Speaker 1: know you were still throwing me.
Speaker 3: I was tired, right. I would invite her just to
Speaker 3: be like I just so she can say I invited her,
Speaker 3: but I know she don't count her in. I missed
Speaker 3: my birthday, I missed Christmas, like Thanksgiving, like literally every holiday.
Speaker 3: I was just like so so bad it was. It
Speaker 3: was so rough, and everyone be like, oh, thirteen weeks,
Speaker 3: that's when like the what not seasickness whatever the hell
Speaker 3: is called morning is basically worse than seats sickness. Morning
Speaker 3: sickness will go away and you'll be fine. So was
Speaker 3: like counting down, like and then it's like fourteen weeks
Speaker 3: still here literally twenty six weeks. Whoa, yeah, I mean
Speaker 3: I was like in sweats, didn't brush my hair like sick.
Speaker 1: You got some good picks, yeah, good selfies.
Speaker 3: It wasn't my best time. I mean I also, like,
Speaker 3: I think you envision, like what you're going to be pregnant,
Speaker 3: and it's like you like cute belly ow, like we're the.
Speaker 4: Sun dress thing that was gonna better everything we know.
Speaker 3: I don't know. I don't know, and I'm always like
Speaker 3: a weak human. So yeah, we're talking about she comes.
Speaker 3: We would go on trips together and if we stayed
Speaker 3: in the same room.
Speaker 2: She brought her own fan. It was a whole thing
Speaker 2: of her item. She needed sell machine. She's an iPad kid,
Speaker 2: so she.
Speaker 3: Fell delicious and delicate and like needy and like I
Speaker 3: just have Yeah, And I think the thing with like
Speaker 3: being pregnant is like you lose all control of your body.
Speaker 3: Your body is literally not yours. And I think that
Speaker 3: feeling is really intense, like emotionally and physically, and like,
Speaker 3: I don't know, but we've had like so many like
Speaker 3: close friends have just the most amazing pregnancies as well.
Speaker 3: You're the only person I noticed they just like a like,
Speaker 3: I just complain a lot, like that's a part of it. No,
Speaker 3: because I think nausea and throwing up is miserable, Like
Speaker 3: I don't think there's anything more miserable than that. And
Speaker 3: I even if I have a night where I'm sick
Speaker 3: for just the night and then I feel better the
Speaker 3: next day.
Speaker 2: I always go, I don't know how people do this
Speaker 2: for months and months and months and months of no relief.
Speaker 3: I think that's the thing. Is like, yeah, like if
Speaker 3: you like are really sick and like have diarrhy or whatever,
Speaker 3: You're like, I'll be I'll be better in the morning.
Speaker 3: But it's like no, it's like I don't know if
Speaker 3: I want to be better in like three weeks from now. Yeah,
Speaker 3: like there's no end in sight. So how'd you get
Speaker 3: through it? Well? I tried zofran, which everyone was like,
Speaker 3: try so it's like the best thing ever. It didn't work.
Speaker 3: And then like I couldn't poop for like forty five
Speaker 3: days because it constant fates you like crazy. It didn't work.
Speaker 3: So that sucked because I was like I remember I
Speaker 3: got the prescription and I like took it and I
Speaker 3: was like, oh my gosh, and there was like one
Speaker 3: hour later, I'm like, I am still super sick. Didn't
Speaker 3: work for me at all. The only thing that worked
Speaker 3: is I would take unison like the sleeping tablet at
Speaker 3: night and then the next day would be like my
Speaker 3: best day. Oh so my obgian said to do that
Speaker 3: and it like was the only thing that worked for me.
Speaker 3: And then just like the most like guardettos, Like I
Speaker 3: would be like Carston go to seven eleven and like whatever,
Speaker 3: eleven PM, I need guardettos. And it was only like
Speaker 3: the little brown they have the bags of just the
Speaker 3: brown ones. No is that new? No? How long have
Speaker 3: they had that?
Speaker 1: Ears?
Speaker 3: Of course I gave that. Damn I would be plucking
Speaker 3: them out and yeah, you're pregnancy cravings were like my
Speaker 3: daily No, we talked, Yeah, I would have like a Gatorade,
Speaker 3: like just like really process grows stuff that I just
Speaker 3: like normally wouldn't. And then I went into like a
Speaker 3: fruit phase where like I had to have watermelon, oranges,
Speaker 3: orange juice, pineapple, tomatoes, like I was obsessed with tomatoes.
Speaker 3: I'd also make like bloody mary mix. I just chug
Speaker 3: that down with salt. It's like it was weird. So,
Speaker 3: during this time you're navigating getting through it, are you
Speaker 3: thinking about giving birth?
Speaker 1: Because I think a lot of people that is there.
Speaker 3: They love the idea of being a mom or you know,
Speaker 3: a parent, but the idea of going through the process
Speaker 3: of labor is so terrifying.
Speaker 1: Were you thinking of that or did you think about that?
Speaker 3: No, I was like, weirdly never really terrified of it
Speaker 3: because I think my pregnancy was so sick and like
Speaker 3: unwell that I was like get him out and I
Speaker 3: don't care how like I just was like I'm ready
Speaker 3: to give birth. Yeah, Like I mean I would like
Speaker 3: see stuff like on social media and like be like
Speaker 3: a little freaked out and like for whatever reason, when
Speaker 3: you're pregnant, like people want to tell you their birth stories,
Speaker 3: and when they're like negative, I'm like shut up, like
Speaker 3: what are you doing? Like it's really crazy or like
Speaker 3: people's moms will be like my daughter was in labor
Speaker 3: for seventy two hours and that emerge. I'm like, are
Speaker 3: you good? Like why are you telling me this story?
Speaker 3: It's it's a really odd just to get too prepared, Yeah,
Speaker 3: you don't want to hear it. I think if like
Speaker 3: for me, like I try not to, like, well, mine
Speaker 3: was really positive, so I like say, but like I
Speaker 3: think it's best just to be like, you know, it'll
Speaker 3: be great, You'll be good, Like, don't tell your personal experience.
Speaker 2: So when when you can you tell the process of
Speaker 2: when you went into labor?
Speaker 3: Yeah, so when okay, that was whatever middle of the night,
Speaker 3: at like one am, I started getting like cramps.
Speaker 2: Like this was Tanya's birthday that you yes, because I
Speaker 2: was like.
Speaker 1: You cannot have a baby on to I need at least.
Speaker 3: One day, yeah, which I think it's like one day.
Speaker 3: So it was like one in the morning and I
Speaker 3: was getting like cramps, and I thought I was just
Speaker 3: having gas. I like, hit Carson. You know I'm a
Speaker 3: gassy girl. So I hit Carson. I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 3: I'm like I'm having so much gas. He's like okay,
Speaker 3: And I was like, I'm gonna have a bowl cereal
Speaker 3: because that's gonna I know what will alleviate me.
Speaker 1: Cereals.
Speaker 3: I don't know. I mean at the time, it's probably
Speaker 3: like a puffins or something like that, or like the
Speaker 3: peanut butter puppose.
Speaker 1: Are so good for victory gas.
Speaker 3: Really. Yeah, So got my bowl of cereal and I
Speaker 3: was like really going away. And then I'm like I'm
Speaker 3: not farking also, so so it's like I'm not like
Speaker 3: this is weird. And I was like I'm gonna get
Speaker 3: the contraction app out because I'm like I feel I
Speaker 3: was what like two days away from my yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: du day you're doing the twenty first Yeah. Yeah. So
Speaker 3: I was like, okay, this is probably it and it was,
Speaker 3: and so started tracking the contractions. It went from like
Speaker 3: zero to sixty like that, like it was like I'm
Speaker 3: going to fart to like I'm on the ground. Whoa.
Speaker 3: So I took and it's all a title for the podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm on the Ground.
Speaker 3: I had. Like, so this was like a Thursday whatever.
Speaker 3: The next day, I had a blowout booked. My mom
Speaker 3: was gonna help me do like my spray TND. I
Speaker 3: think I was gonna get my nails done, like this
Speaker 3: was my beauty day because I was going to blog
Speaker 3: in the hospital like that was my moment. I was
Speaker 3: gonna be taking all the footage and missed all of that.
Speaker 3: I have insanely curly hair. I take a hot shower
Speaker 3: while these like contractions are starting, so and then it
Speaker 3: like and then I was like, okay, then I'll like
Speaker 3: kind of blow dry my hair. My mom will help
Speaker 3: me whatever, like I'll have time time like this all
Speaker 3: just started. Like I said, it went from zero to sixty. So,
Speaker 3: like I take my shower, I'm in the on the
Speaker 3: ground in the shower, my mom and dad are in
Speaker 3: an airbnb like next door. They all come over, they're
Speaker 3: getting the car prepped. We didn't have the bags ready.
Speaker 3: We were like like it was just it was all
Speaker 3: like with Carson had like one too many IPAs the
Speaker 3: night before. He was like because we all because I
Speaker 3: was initially going to be induced that Monday because he
Speaker 3: was so big, So we all kind of were like,
Speaker 3: he's coming Monday, like that was the plan. Hair's wet.
Speaker 3: Then we're like we gotta go. So I just like
Speaker 3: pull on whatever. It wasn't my planned cute outfit, my
Speaker 3: you know, my hair, like it was like Bahamas times
Speaker 3: one thousand, Like I get to oh and I'm like
Speaker 3: in the midst of all of this like collapsing, I'm like,
Speaker 3: I need a snack. I'm like so like Sara, I
Speaker 3: was like I need a snack. My dad and oh,
Speaker 3: my dad the whole time like the content creator that
Speaker 3: he is filming me. So I'm on the ground. He's
Speaker 3: got his phone out like up in my face, like
Speaker 3: when I've seen this mode like I can send a
Speaker 3: deal and I'm like I'm like I don't know why.
Speaker 3: I'm like getting all nasty towards everyone. We get in
Speaker 3: the car, it's probably like two thirty ish or whatever.
Speaker 3: So this whole thing is like an hour. It's like quick,
Speaker 3: like because I thought I'd be like laboring at home
Speaker 3: for a while before I go. Carson's like getting lost.
Speaker 3: He like, we don't he doesn't know how to get
Speaker 3: the cedars you Like, I'm like screaming at him. I
Speaker 3: put Daisies on by Justin Bieber like that was my
Speaker 3: song at the moment. I have my like birthing comb,
Speaker 3: which is like this thing that you like squash. Have
Speaker 3: you heard of one of this? No, Just like it's
Speaker 3: just a wood comb and you're supposed to like hold
Speaker 3: it and it like helps with like the pain because
Speaker 3: it like puts pain when you put pain some of
Speaker 3: it like whatever. So I'm doing that. The contractions are insane,
Speaker 3: like a contraction pain is like no other like people
Speaker 3: like you don't know unless you've been through it. Was
Speaker 3: it like your Bahama's pain when I'm terrible. We almost
Speaker 3: had to bet that was like a yeah, like ish
Speaker 3: kind of similar, wow, similar, but like a million It
Speaker 3: is like gas pain, but like forty million times worse.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So I'm having like full blown contractions on the drive there.
Speaker 3: I get there, so they don't admit you unless you're
Speaker 3: like a certain amount dilated. And I was like, oh
Speaker 3: my god, I bet I'm not like I'm gonna have
Speaker 3: to like go to like what is that Beverly Center
Speaker 3: and walk around. Probably doesn't even open. I don't know.
Speaker 3: They like literally will turn you away. And I was like,
Speaker 3: there's no way. I and so much pain I'll die.
Speaker 3: I was seven centimeters dilated, like within like an hour.
Speaker 1: The ten is where your time to push that's coming out.
Speaker 3: It was crazy. It was so quick and I'm like
Speaker 3: I need an epidural like scree like I was such
Speaker 3: a mood. I was like such some not like being
Speaker 3: that nice, like being so bossy to everyone, like you
Speaker 3: know when I get that little like, oh my god.
Speaker 3: It was like times ten. Carson's sick. He's like because
Speaker 3: he's got like such bad nerves. He's like happening to
Speaker 3: go to the bathroom like every like it was bad.
Speaker 3: We were like a hot mess. I didn't get a
Speaker 3: duel line.
Speaker 4: I'm picturing you how you imagine this calm blog with
Speaker 4: your hair and your nails and your spray tan, and
Speaker 4: like my hair started to dry.
Speaker 3: I have no product in it. It's like it's like
Speaker 3: a crown of fur. Like it's like a mullet. No
Speaker 3: makeup on.
Speaker 1: Why doesn't yelling at everybody?
Speaker 3: I like, I don't even know what I'm like wearing
Speaker 3: some like Amazon outfit, but it was, yeah, yelling at everyone.
Speaker 3: And the parking in Cedars it is like in a dungeon,
Speaker 3: and like he had to just leave me with like
Speaker 3: the valet person and I'm like sitting there and I'm like, no,
Speaker 3: to like go park the car. Oh yeah, because of
Speaker 3: the valet people weren't like valeting at that time because
Speaker 3: I was like middle of the night or whatever. So
Speaker 3: he used to go to the park. I'm left with
Speaker 3: this like guy and he's like, oh, are you okay.
Speaker 3: I'm like, no, I'm not okay. I catch the baby
Speaker 3: that comes out. Literally are you ready? Yeah? Literally? So anyways,
Speaker 3: get rolled up, get into my room. So we had
Speaker 3: done a tour and during this remember when I did
Speaker 3: the hospital tour, Yeah, and I was like I hate
Speaker 3: this hospital.
Speaker 1: It is wanted.
Speaker 3: I wanted it. Yeah, I wanted to sweet. I want
Speaker 3: a suite at Cedars. Sign I was like fifteen thousand
Speaker 3: dollars and they don't take insurance.
Speaker 1: So f yi, you see someone with the sweet.
Speaker 3: Unit, They've got real money. But I was like, no,
Speaker 3: I want to switch hospitals because this place is like
Speaker 3: it's not equipped to what I need, which is like crazy.
Speaker 3: It's like one of the best hospitals like in the
Speaker 3: United States, but they the tour they send you, they
Speaker 3: don't let you look at the other rooms or they
Speaker 3: let you look at the other rooms, but they put
Speaker 3: you in this one room and like talk about all
Speaker 3: like the gear and stuff. It is like smaller than that.
Speaker 3: It is like a close like a broom closet, and
Speaker 3: I'm like if I get this room, I'm gonna freak out,
Speaker 3: Like there's my karma. We got that room. There's only
Speaker 3: like one of those small rooms and the rest of
Speaker 3: them have like these like huge windows with like you
Speaker 3: can see like the Hollywood Hills and like all of
Speaker 3: la not a single window room closet.
Speaker 1: Like there's only one.
Speaker 3: There's like not very limited and like the majority, and
Speaker 3: I'm like, they like wheel me in this. I'm like
Speaker 3: I'm not no, Like I'm not no, I'm not going
Speaker 3: to be in here. But I was like in so
Speaker 3: much pain that I was like, but I need my
Speaker 3: up and they're like, you would have to like wait
Speaker 3: like a day to get the other one, and that's
Speaker 3: not happening. I was like, fine, so I'm in this room,
Speaker 3: which again is like so me because you know, it's
Speaker 3: like I complain, like probably no one else complaints, and
Speaker 3: I know they literally probably being so I'm nasty that
Speaker 3: they're on room calls. This bitch needs the room. And
Speaker 3: epidural came in like forty five minutes after that, and
Speaker 3: the feeling from no epidural to epidural. I don't get
Speaker 3: why people would not do, Like, what do you think
Speaker 3: the like logic is behind. I think there's risks, like yeah,
Speaker 3: I mean I think there's risk if they hit your
Speaker 3: spinel cord or something. You know, oh, if you're Pregnanty,
Speaker 3: you did not hear that, You're like, well, I wanted
Speaker 3: to do it.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying people reason.
Speaker 3: I think that's super rare. I think that's I'm just
Speaker 3: saying it's rare.
Speaker 2: But I think if people have anxiety about complications, but
Speaker 2: I agree. I've heard like my sister has had five
Speaker 2: kids and.
Speaker 3: She loved she loves giving birth because she loves the epidural.
Speaker 3: She just loves that she's just like in blissible. I
Speaker 3: mean it's in like not instantly, it takes it. I
Speaker 3: don't know, like twenty thirty minutes before it starts like
Speaker 3: fully kicking in. But it's like this like warmth that
Speaker 3: like takes over your body and like all the pain
Speaker 3: has gone and the contractions come and go. I literally
Speaker 3: had to be like, was that a contraction? Like you
Speaker 3: don't so what do you feel pressure or kind of
Speaker 3: just like a little like maybe tiny like like period cramp.
Speaker 1: Wow, So can sorry.
Speaker 3: If you're pregnant and you're already scared, but can I
Speaker 3: ask if the epidural hurts? Because really no, I was
Speaker 3: so like people could be like, oh, it's like a
Speaker 3: needle that's like a foot long. I mean it is.
Speaker 3: It was like a pinch, like literally like a shot.
Speaker 3: Like I guess by the time you're asking for an epidural,
Speaker 3: you're experiencing such intense pain. I think that too. It's
Speaker 3: like you're going into it like with like your pain
Speaker 3: threshold is probably like adjusted because you're like, holy crap,
Speaker 3: But no, it didn't hurt at all. It's like the
Speaker 3: comb Yeah you're fling, yeah yeah, yeah, literally it's just
Speaker 3: like a little pinch and then yeah, you like what's weird.
Speaker 3: And I didn't really realize is you can't use like
Speaker 3: you you don't feel your legs. Yeah, because the numbs
Speaker 3: down there. Yeah, And I think that would be like
Speaker 3: a big reason I'm not wanting to get it because
Speaker 3: it does then slow down labor because you're not able
Speaker 3: to likely feel and control, so it's like you're like
Speaker 3: kind of wobbly down there.
Speaker 2: That's the only thing was a little weird. So you
Speaker 2: gave birth in the broom closet and the broom closet,
Speaker 2: and I felt like for you that was in terms
Speaker 2: of the pregnancy and everything was the easiest.
Speaker 3: I like, I love the labor, Like I like it
Speaker 3: was so empowering. It felt like, I don't know, it
Speaker 3: was like magical to me. Wow, I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 3: Like it was really really hard, really taxing. I pushed
Speaker 3: for like two and a half hours. He was a
Speaker 3: nine pound baby. Son was a big boy. That's a
Speaker 3: big boy.
Speaker 1: I was ready to come.
Speaker 3: Second degree tear, okay, which is like normal, it's like average.
Speaker 3: I think there's four levels. I want to know how
Speaker 3: to mid range stitch right up yeah, and yeah really
Speaker 3: like uncomplicated and simple.
Speaker 1: Well, I as your friend.
Speaker 3: I and we have like such a funny relationship, like
Speaker 3: we're so close, we're like literally like sisters and how
Speaker 3: we talk and banter, and I like burst into tears
Speaker 3: when Carson texted me, you did did you tell me what?
Speaker 2: It was so emotional. He just said she, you know,
Speaker 2: she did it, and it was He was like, I'm
Speaker 2: so proud of her. She was amazing. It was really
Speaker 2: it was really really sweet.
Speaker 3: But I remember that feeling of being like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 3: she she did it, because I felt like everything was
Speaker 3: the Pretnancy was so hard that I was like, good god,
Speaker 3: yeah those labors going to be a doucy Yeah, and
Speaker 3: you were just such a boss and handled it and.
Speaker 1: Nasty to everybody leading up.
Speaker 3: Made it happen.
Speaker 4: Well.
Speaker 3: I was like as soon as the epidural hit, I
Speaker 3: was so sweet. I was like, you look like Sydney Sweeney.
Speaker 3: I was like, you're so beautiful, Like I was like
Speaker 3: almost like high and like this girl. And they were like, Cary, Wow,
Speaker 3: that's really emotional. Yeah.
Speaker 2: It was cool because you're my first, like I would say,
Speaker 2: my first best friend, the person closest to me outside
Speaker 2: of like my family that has gone through that. And also,
Speaker 2: I mean I lived with my sister at one point
Speaker 2: when she had her kids, but in a long time,
Speaker 2: the person that I'm so close with, you're the first
Speaker 2: person that's gone through that.
Speaker 1: So yeah, it's also nerve wracking because such a big.
Speaker 2: Deal and you know, you want it to go well
Speaker 2: and to be for it to be like a positive experience,
Speaker 2: and so it was really emotional. But I want to
Speaker 2: get into what happened after you had Remy.
Speaker 3: Well, I mean I was good, I was great for
Speaker 3: a while there. Would you say the first Yeah, but
Speaker 3: I will say the first like a few months, you know,
Speaker 3: you were just the adjustment to.
Speaker 1: Life not being what it was forever.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was an adjustment. My sleep was gone. I
Speaker 3: mean even had a night nurse and like, I didn't
Speaker 3: sleep that well.
Speaker 2: Because you're still having to you were breastfeeding, so you're
Speaker 2: still yeah you're woken up.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, Carson slept well, but.
Speaker 1: Your mother in law son slept exactly.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean it's like, okay, you like are given
Speaker 3: this baby, you've never had a baby. You come home
Speaker 3: and you're like, what the hell, Like what do you
Speaker 3: do with him? Like literally, I'm like I don't know,
Speaker 3: Like you can't like all the books you read and
Speaker 3: the youtubes you watch, like nothing will prepare you for
Speaker 3: like bringing home your own baby and having to keep
Speaker 3: him alive. Like it's it's really intense. And he was
Speaker 3: like an angry little fella. He was like he came
Speaker 3: into this world angry. I always say with him, was
Speaker 3: like he didn't like being a newborn. He was like,
Speaker 3: I want to be a toddler. Like he's like, I'm not.
Speaker 1: He wanted to skip that Yeah, he wanted to skip
Speaker 1: that day.
Speaker 3: So he was angry about it.
Speaker 1: So that getting Garnettos and puffin cozy, I know, it.
Speaker 3: Was just like what yeah, yeah, I mean it's like
Speaker 3: you're you've got a wound down there. You're like totally
Speaker 3: busted from giving birth. Your hormones, like the hormone drop
Speaker 3: is like insane, Like you're sweating, you smell like it's
Speaker 3: like it's just so much stuff is going on, and
Speaker 3: then you got to take care of this baby. Like
Speaker 3: it's like a huge adjustment. And I think you like
Speaker 3: go from like your normal life and like doing whatever
Speaker 3: you want to, like just like this newborn bubble where
Speaker 3: you're like at home all day every day, not sleeping.
Speaker 3: It's like weird and like it was also like really
Speaker 3: hot in La at that time. I think it was
Speaker 3: like kind of how it is now. So like we
Speaker 3: couldn't really go outside either, so I was literally house bound.
Speaker 3: He hated the stroller, he hated the car seat, so
Speaker 3: likely go anywhere. So nothing felt like old life. Nothing
Speaker 3: felt normal, And I think in hindsight, I wish I
Speaker 3: just like surrendered, Like I wish I was just like
Speaker 3: this is where I'm at right now, and I am
Speaker 3: going to accept it because I he's only this little
Speaker 3: for this long, right, But I think I was fighting
Speaker 3: it the whole time. I was like, Okay, let's like,
Speaker 3: why isn't he doing this? Why is he like, let's
Speaker 3: taking me it like I should.
Speaker 1: Have just y'all are very like on the go.
Speaker 3: I love being at home and resting, so I feel
Speaker 3: like that, but no more bubble would be a breeze
Speaker 3: for me personally. Yeah, but y'all are very like on
Speaker 3: the go, so actually being confined to the house is daunting,
Speaker 3: I imagine. Yeah, And it's just like you don't know
Speaker 3: what you're doing you know, it's like, Okay, he's screaming.
Speaker 3: Why is he screaming? Does he need a pass? He?
Speaker 3: Does he need a bottle? Does he need a breath? Like?
Speaker 3: What does he need? I think that, and like I
Speaker 3: think cars. Every time he cried, it was like what
Speaker 3: am I doing wrong? Yeah, like you're kind of like
Speaker 3: you know what I mean? And breastfeeding was like he
Speaker 3: latched initially all that, but as you know, rest feeding
Speaker 3: kind of led to my well before we.
Speaker 1: Got to that.
Speaker 2: I remember going over and you were you were saying
Speaker 2: the feeling you had was almost like the feeling of
Speaker 2: being homesick.
Speaker 3: Oh my god. Yeah, that was kind of like the
Speaker 3: I don't remember when was that maybe like two months
Speaker 3: post part.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say maybe a month or to two months.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you were like, how are you doing? And I
Speaker 3: think I was like, you start crying? Yeah, it was
Speaker 3: the first time I think I saw you ever cry.
Speaker 3: I'm not a ever, but I'm not a cry You're
Speaker 3: not a crier. Yeah, And we like even if something sad,
Speaker 3: we like laughed through it. It's probably unhealthy, but it's
Speaker 3: how we do it. And so I was kind of like, oh,
Speaker 3: like this is serious. You know this is like a
Speaker 3: moment of yeah, like real raw you know, and being
Speaker 3: And I also think you know, you see social media
Speaker 3: and it's so I mean, I do think there's so
Speaker 3: much beauty and like joy in that new phase, but
Speaker 3: it is like such a raw thing that just watching
Speaker 3: you go through it, and I only know through what
Speaker 3: I know of other people, but it seems so jarring,
Speaker 3: the lifestyle change and the hormones and everything that comes
Speaker 3: with it. So I think hearing you say that, I
Speaker 3: was like, oh, this is my best friend who's like
Speaker 3: this is real. Yeah, I think I answered. I think
Speaker 3: you're like, how you doing? I cry and I'm like
Speaker 3: I feel homesick. It's like that feeling like when you
Speaker 3: go sleepover at a friend's house when you're little, and
Speaker 3: like all you want is to go home, yes and
Speaker 3: see your mom. I saw this quote recently that was
Speaker 3: like the first time like looking at yourself, like post birth.
Speaker 3: You look in the mirror and you're like, I'm so
Speaker 3: like messed up and hurt and in pain and like
Speaker 3: I need my mom, And then you realize you are
Speaker 3: the mom. Whoa yeah, And it's like it's just like
Speaker 3: this shift that's like really crazy I do think, like
Speaker 3: when I like kind of broke down to you that
Speaker 3: it was the start of my postpartum depression. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 3: so I do feel like that was a start, and
Speaker 3: that was around two months. And then when I have
Speaker 3: a memory of it, which you can correct me if
Speaker 3: I'm wrong, was we were at my birthday dinner, so
Speaker 3: October thirtieth, Yeah, and we were both having a hard time,
Speaker 3: Like I had my own stuff going on, and we
Speaker 3: were both crying, and You're like, I'm having a really hard.
Speaker 1: Time and I was like me too, like you what's
Speaker 1: going on?
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you were just having a hard time with
Speaker 2: it was breastfeeding that you could label.
Speaker 3: Yeah, at the moment, that's like kind of what I
Speaker 3: was labeling it as I think it started with like
Speaker 3: and first of all, this is like three months postpartum,
Speaker 3: kind of like when it started like getting bad, Like
Speaker 3: I kind of thought I was in the clear, you know,
Speaker 3: like when you hear about postpartum depression, you hear it
Speaker 3: happening like immediately after birth or pretty close to it.
Speaker 3: Three months, I was like, I guess I didn't get
Speaker 3: any like I'm good, Like, you know, there's a few things,
Speaker 3: but I just like chalked it up to being like
Speaker 3: you know, lack of sleep or whatever. So I think
Speaker 3: there needs to be more education around the fact that
Speaker 3: postpart and depression can have to happen up to a
Speaker 3: year postpartum or even more. Well, so if you don't
Speaker 3: if you keep pushing it down or don't take care
Speaker 3: of it that too, it can just yeah, be right,
Speaker 3: but it can like be and get worse or it
Speaker 3: can emerge. Yeah, So I think it was. It kind
Speaker 3: of started with like kind of just like some moodiness
Speaker 3: that I was noticing, like kind of like luteal phase vibes,
Speaker 3: like you know when you're like I'm about to start
Speaker 3: my period and I'm just like a nasty little witch.
Speaker 3: Like That's how I was noticing that towards like my husband,
Speaker 3: my mother in law, like my parents, like just like
Speaker 3: a little nasty the nastiness and re emerged again, and
Speaker 3: then I would like get weird about like people wearing
Speaker 3: shoes and like very obsessed over him, like germs and
Speaker 3: people holding him. And then EMFs. I like read something
Speaker 3: on Instagram about EMFs, like on electronic magnet whatever that
Speaker 3: you know what an EMF is. It's like this stuff
Speaker 3: that like like a Wi Fi router puts out or
Speaker 3: like a cell I'm like moving the Wi Fi routers
Speaker 3: around his nan it. I'm like, you can't have the nant.
Speaker 3: Like I'm like this is weird, Like this is a
Speaker 3: little bit odd odd behavior. So just like little things
Speaker 3: like that that would kind of like almost like obsess
Speaker 3: over like little OCD. And I think that was just
Speaker 3: like the start of like a hormone fluctuation. And I
Speaker 3: was starting like the the depression was starting the depressive episode,
Speaker 3: and then it I went to your party, I was
Speaker 3: like crying the whole time. Eventually, I think like after that,
Speaker 3: didn't sleep probably five days straight, like did not sleep
Speaker 3: a wink baby sleeping. I'm not sleeping like it It
Speaker 3: like went really it went from like again like my
Speaker 3: labor like zero to sixty yeah, very quickly, and I
Speaker 3: was like WHOA, something's wrong and what's weird. In the
Speaker 3: very beginning, I think you would come over. I'm like
Speaker 3: I'm not good. I text you like I'm not good.
Speaker 3: We over and we go and we go on a walk,
Speaker 3: and it like something shifted. I was like completely fine,
Speaker 3: Like it came in like a wave. It was so
Speaker 3: weird and I felt good for like twenty four hours
Speaker 3: after that, and then I don't think I felt good.
Speaker 2: I was gonna say we had a time where I came.
Speaker 2: You were like can you come over? And we went
Speaker 2: on a walk and we talked it out, and I
Speaker 2: remember you texting you were like, thank you for coming.
Speaker 2: I feel so much better. And then I feel like
Speaker 2: not the next day. But the next day it.
Speaker 3: Was like bad, bad, really really bad, and just kept
Speaker 3: getting worse. So I got connected with the psychiatrist, a therapist.
Speaker 3: They put me on medicine wasn't working. I mean it
Speaker 3: got like really critical really quickly, Like I mean deep
Speaker 3: dark thoughts, like the most horrible things you can imagine.
Speaker 3: Like I was thinking about myself and like it was
Speaker 3: really really really scary, like just beyond for myself orone
Speaker 3: around me, and I felt like I had like no
Speaker 3: control over it whatsoever. I was so deeply depressed.
Speaker 2: Well, I've always seen when people talk about postpartum depression
Speaker 2: that it's it's kind of associated with baby blues and
Speaker 2: kind of the thing that you had at the beginning,
Speaker 2: which was like, oh my life has changed and there's
Speaker 2: like this new thing. But yours was very different from
Speaker 2: anything I had read about or you know seen Yeah.
Speaker 3: It wasn't very like textbook I would say, like I was.
Speaker 3: It was almost this like feeling of just like it
Speaker 3: wasn't good enough, wasn't good enough, like for my family,
Speaker 3: for Remy, for like anyone like I was just like
Speaker 3: a bad mom, like breastfeeding failure like and ultimately what happened,
Speaker 3: I was weaning breastfeeding. So I dropped my breasts feeding
Speaker 3: over the night, in the middle of the night, and
Speaker 3: that puts you in like a weaning state. And no
Speaker 3: one told me this, but when you wean, like the
Speaker 3: hormone shift is almost as great as the shift that
Speaker 3: happens would you give birth whoa, So it is another massive,
Speaker 3: massive hormone shift. So and for a lot of women
Speaker 3: it can it could be the start of like PPA
Speaker 3: or PPD. And for me that was my trigger. It
Speaker 3: was the weaning. So like the oxytocin and the hormones
Speaker 3: from breastfeeding, they like oscillate and they go crazy when
Speaker 3: you when you wean, and sometimes your your mind can't
Speaker 3: handle that. And that was what was happening to me.
Speaker 3: And I was so obsessed with continuing to breastfeed Remy.
Speaker 3: I couldn't stop. And finally I went to a breastfeeding doctor,
Speaker 3: not like a lactation consultant, but a doctor, and she's like,
Speaker 3: you need to stop. She's like you're done, Like put
Speaker 3: the boob away, get the bobby out. Yeah, Like that's
Speaker 3: what needs to happen. And I, I mean, my depressive
Speaker 3: episode started. It wasn't until like six seven weeks later
Speaker 3: that this woman told me that, this doctor told me this.
Speaker 3: A week after that, I was fine. So like for me,
Speaker 3: like actually stopping allowed my hormones and my body to adjust,
Speaker 3: and so it was like the dragging it out I
Speaker 3: think was like the biggest.
Speaker 2: Mistake because you were wanting to You were wanting to
Speaker 2: pre him to have breast milk like obsessively to the
Speaker 2: point obsessively.
Speaker 1: Like it was like I can't stop.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was like I can't. He has to. Like
Speaker 3: I was like, so like formula is like the best
Speaker 3: thing ever, Like a fed baby is a happy baby, right,
Speaker 3: like no matter how you do it, And like that's
Speaker 3: what bugs me so much about like what's on the
Speaker 3: internet and what people say and like the opinions around that.
Speaker 3: It's just like it is like I wish i'd just
Speaker 3: put my phone in like the trash at that time, right, Like,
Speaker 3: it was just I was like on Reddit form forums,
Speaker 3: like looking like what does breastfeeding do? What does formula do?
Speaker 3: Like I was just like it information overloads so much
Speaker 3: noise that I just did not need. And he loves Bobby.
Speaker 3: Bobby's great, he's a Bobby.
Speaker 1: The thing is he's a big boy.
Speaker 2: So I was like, there's no way your body can
Speaker 2: keep up with what he wants. Like it's just and
Speaker 2: it wasn't a failure, but I get.
Speaker 3: It because you're like, wait, I should be able to
Speaker 3: do this because he's my baby, But yeah, he was.
Speaker 3: I'd come around hold him and feed him and I'd
Speaker 3: be like he's done, and you're like, I want I
Speaker 3: don't know anymore, no more. Yeah. He would eat like
Speaker 3: for forty five minutes. Every forty five minutes. Yeah, so
Speaker 3: it was like he was sucking me dry. I had
Speaker 3: to pup. I was triple feeding basically. So it was
Speaker 3: I just I wish I had just like done the
Speaker 3: formula like Comba fed from the beginning, put less stress
Speaker 3: on myself.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but who knows, like you know, its hindsight though,
Speaker 2: I mean, especially when you're doing something for the first time,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, people talk about having a first.
Speaker 3: Child and then they do everything, try to do everything
Speaker 3: by the book, and then they have the second one,
Speaker 3: they're like, uh, yeah, you know, because that's just life life.
Speaker 1: So you, I will say as your friend, it was
Speaker 1: it was.
Speaker 2: Really hard to watch you go through that because it
Speaker 2: would be, you know, checking in how are you doing today,
Speaker 2: and it was just like, not good. There was no
Speaker 2: life in your which even though it's over text, but
Speaker 2: it's just it was so not you. And I would
Speaker 2: just text Carson or he called me and he'd like
Speaker 2: I took her phone away because you were obsessive about
Speaker 2: researching things, and.
Speaker 1: It was it was really.
Speaker 2: I'm just so happy that you're on the other side
Speaker 2: of it, because it was it was so unexpected because
Speaker 2: you we thought just like you thought, I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: she's crushing not even she's totally fine. And then I
Speaker 2: remember when I saw you and and walked in that
Speaker 2: one day and you were just like started crying.
Speaker 1: It was so unfamiliar to me and trying to.
Speaker 2: Be there for you, and a lot of people ask
Speaker 2: me like how how did you want people to be
Speaker 2: there for you during that.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I think that's a good question. I think even
Speaker 3: though I wasn't super responsive, like the check ins and
Speaker 3: the calls and the like, stoppings to the house like
Speaker 3: those really went a long way. And I think if
Speaker 3: you have a friend dealing with depression, severe depression, whatever,
Speaker 3: it might be like reaching out even though they might
Speaker 3: not be responsive, like there's a chance of reading it
Speaker 3: and that it is helping them. So I every little text,
Speaker 3: every little thing, like even though I couldn't give very much,
Speaker 3: it really really really helped me. Yeah, And I think
Speaker 3: that's important to note because you kind of more. I
Speaker 3: think at one point I feel like I'm talking to
Speaker 3: a wall. I was, but I was like, I'll keep
Speaker 3: doing it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll keep checking in because you know, I don't
Speaker 2: want you to feel alone, even though I knew you
Speaker 2: had your parents in Carson and Paana. But I we
Speaker 2: had a someone right in last week and they were
Speaker 2: saying their friend hadn't visited them since they gave birth
Speaker 2: like months ago, and they lived like forty minutes apart.
Speaker 2: And I was shocked because I thought, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: I even if it was like hey, I can come
Speaker 2: help do laundry, I can come sit with you. I
Speaker 2: can hold the baby while you go shower whatever, or
Speaker 2: just watch the baby if you don't want them holding it.
Speaker 2: And some people were like, the last thing I wanted
Speaker 2: was anyone to come over and be there with me
Speaker 2: during that time. So I was curious about your take
Speaker 2: on that of during postpartum or during like post partners
Speaker 2: just like having a baby.
Speaker 1: But I guess both.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think because you kind of like you're we're
Speaker 2: the same that we like solitude.
Speaker 1: I'm good, Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 3: Yeah, over please. I think in that moment, like come over,
Speaker 3: hold the baby so I can go shower, or you
Speaker 3: hold the baby and all, you know, go do the
Speaker 3: dishes for you or something like. I think that is
Speaker 3: really nice and like helpful. But I also get at
Speaker 3: the same time just like leave me alone and like
Speaker 3: send me some Postmates or something, you know, Like I
Speaker 3: think it's like, again, you're going through this like hormone waves.
Speaker 3: It's kind of like what you want in the moment. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but I think too, like realizing, like you know, I
Speaker 3: had friend or I had a baby later in life,
Speaker 3: like got pregnant thirty six, had them at thirty seven,
Speaker 3: Like a lot of my friends from college and stuff
Speaker 3: like had babies like ten years ago, almost when they
Speaker 3: were in their like twenties, and I realized, like I
Speaker 3: was such a bad friend to them because like I
Speaker 3: didn't know what to do and I hadn't gone through it.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, oh my god, Like I could have
Speaker 3: set up like a meal chain or like sent them
Speaker 3: food or like just been like so much more thoughtful
Speaker 3: about it. And it's like, unless you've like been through it,
Speaker 3: you kind of don't know what you need. I guess,
Speaker 3: you know. It's like it sent some like onesies or something,
Speaker 3: but I'm like that's not what a new mom wants,
Speaker 3: you know, Like I don't know. I have the idea
Speaker 3: of sending like post it, like just being like, hey,
Speaker 3: here's a gift card, so your dinner's on me and
Speaker 3: taking off that stress. Yeah, because I think there's ways,
Speaker 3: especially now with apps and technology, that you can show
Speaker 3: up without physically showing up. Yeah, that's true, which is
Speaker 3: so you for your brand.
Speaker 1: I was just trying to figure it out with you.
Speaker 3: And that's the thing too that I like have to
Speaker 3: like and like I worked through that through therapy. Is
Speaker 3: like you know, I I when all of this like
Speaker 3: got better. I was like, the thing that's still like
Speaker 3: in the back of my mind is like the pain
Speaker 3: I caused the people around me, you know, like when
Speaker 3: I went through this, what do you mean, like just
Speaker 3: it was really scary, Like it was really dark and
Speaker 3: like I wasn't you know myself. Like it's like a
Speaker 3: lot of people around me spent a lot of time
Speaker 3: being really worried me, and I I carried guilt about that.
Speaker 1: Really, yeah, you should.
Speaker 2: Let go of that because, as you know, I mean,
Speaker 2: I think I think it was a way specifically, I
Speaker 2: think also for Carston to show up, because your body
Speaker 2: had been through so much and your mind and it
Speaker 2: was like it was his moment to like step up
Speaker 2: and be the partner and like dad, and obviously she and.
Speaker 1: He totally did.
Speaker 3: He went beyond.
Speaker 2: He went beyond and he I don't think you expect
Speaker 2: like something that serious to happen so soon after first
Speaker 2: of all, marriage, you know, because it's like in sickness
Speaker 2: and in health, and that's those are the moments where
Speaker 2: that your person shows up. And same with your parents
Speaker 2: and Parsons, Mom, Pam, like everyone came to show up
Speaker 2: for you. And I think if anything, it's a testament
Speaker 2: to who you are that people were like determined to
Speaker 2: walk with you through.
Speaker 1: It as opposed to being like good luck.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know so, I think it's a good way
Speaker 3: to reframe it. Becca, thank you. I'm a podcaster and
Speaker 3: an advice giver. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I want to talk about.
Speaker 2: Coming out on the other side and motherhood and all
Speaker 2: the things. And I think this is going to be
Speaker 2: the end of part one and we're going to have
Speaker 2: a part two episode.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, okay, we'll be back, okay on Thursday. On Thursday,
Speaker 3: well it's Thursday's episode, but we're recording it now. We'll
Speaker 3: be back on Thursday.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3: We love you. By