WEBVTT - When Your I Do Part 2, Was Your I Do Part 1 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.960 Hi, guys, welcome back to I Do Part two, the 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:18.840 podcast for people that maybe got love wrong the first time, 0:00:19.560 --> 0:00:21.600 or the second time, or the third or fourth time, 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.400 and now find themselves back out there looking for love. 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:30.080 My name is Jennifer Fessler, and you may or may 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:33.040 not know me from the Housewives of New Jersey. I 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:37.120 also have a podcast that I co host with Jackie 0:00:37.120 --> 0:00:39.520 Goldschander from the Housewives of New Jersey. It's called Two 0:00:39.600 --> 0:00:44.680 Jersey Jays, and I am honored to the hosting I 0:00:44.800 --> 0:00:50.240 Do Part two today. I'm a huge fan of all 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:54.200 of the founders of this podcast, Amy Robot, TJ. Holmes, 0:00:54.280 --> 0:00:56.560 Jenny Garth, Jenna Kramer. I know you guys know them, 0:00:57.120 --> 0:01:00.520 and I also am a big fan of the open 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:03.920 and honest and telling your story. And I don't know, 0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:08.080 I feel privileged to have been asked to tell mine. 0:01:08.720 --> 0:01:11.839 I hope that you guys who are listening can relate 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:15.160 to some of it. It is like every other story. 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:20.120 It is a sad story, sometimes difficult to tell, but 0:01:20.280 --> 0:01:24.839 ultimately the good news is it has a very happy ending. 0:01:26.240 --> 0:01:30.000 You know, I spoke about my love story, my marriage. 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:34.039 I spoke about it on Housewives a little bit in 0:01:34.120 --> 0:01:39.520 season thirteen, maybe even into season fourteen, but not really 0:01:39.520 --> 0:01:43.000 the details of it. So I'm just going to share. 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:47.080 You know, I've been married for twenty five years, and 0:01:48.000 --> 0:01:51.440 two of those years were really really difficult, and actually 0:01:51.920 --> 0:01:54.440 my husband and I separated. But I'm getting way ahead 0:01:54.440 --> 0:01:57.600 of myself, so I will give you a little bit 0:01:57.640 --> 0:02:03.600 of information just about me. I grew up as the 0:02:03.640 --> 0:02:08.240 product of divorce, for sure. So my parents divorced when 0:02:08.240 --> 0:02:12.919 I was three years old, and so I you know, 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:17.640 I don't remember that heart of my life, really, but 0:02:18.000 --> 0:02:21.679 I can tell you that they both got remarried, and 0:02:22.080 --> 0:02:27.920 they both got divorced again and remarried, and then my 0:02:28.200 --> 0:02:31.280 second stepfather passed away. I have a third stepfather now, 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:36.200 and my steck at my dad got divorced again and 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:39.840 then married again and divorced again. So I am certainly 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:46.119 an expert when it comes to parents getting divorced. And 0:02:46.240 --> 0:02:50.720 you would think that my own experience, well, I'm sure 0:02:50.720 --> 0:02:55.040 it was affected by that, but you would think that 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:57.240 that would have been really helpful. But when I was 0:02:57.280 --> 0:03:01.640 separated and considering divorce, but everything is God. You know, 0:03:02.040 --> 0:03:05.960 you do the best you can during difficult times. But 0:03:06.320 --> 0:03:11.200 so my childhood was not idyllic by any stretch of 0:03:11.240 --> 0:03:15.560 the imagination. My parents didn't speak to each other. There 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:20.960 really wasn't like a co parenting situation. I lived my 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:24.800 mom when she got remarried. We moved to Sugarland, Texas 0:03:24.800 --> 0:03:27.919 of all places, and my dad was living in New 0:03:28.000 --> 0:03:31.519 York City, and I guess you know, we went. I 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:34.720 have sister. I have one sister through my dad and 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:39.240 my mom. I have two brothers from my dad and 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:42.480 a stepmother who's no longer my stepmother. And then I 0:03:42.560 --> 0:03:47.800 have a sister from my father and his third wife. 0:03:47.920 --> 0:03:51.040 That sister is actually younger than my daughter. It's a 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:56.200 whole dysfunctional, fed up mess. But anyway, so I come 0:03:56.200 --> 0:04:00.880 from a lot of chaos, and my parents and certainly 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:03.320 did not get along. They didn't really speak, and we 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:07.760 were shuttled back and forth a lot of craziness. So 0:04:08.880 --> 0:04:13.880 you know, when I met my husband, I well, first 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:16.719 of all, I was dying to have babies and get married, 0:04:17.440 --> 0:04:20.960 even after all of the chaos that you know I 0:04:20.960 --> 0:04:25.960 had been through as a kid. I really that biological 0:04:26.000 --> 0:04:30.680 clock was kicking. I met Jeff and I was the 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:34.840 director of a dating service called It's Just Lunch and 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:36.839 the premise behind It's Just Lunch I actually think it 0:04:36.880 --> 0:04:41.600 still exists, was that professionals are really, really busy and 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:45.599 nobody has time for dinner, necessarily on a first date, 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:48.800 and how about we just meet up for lunch or 0:04:48.800 --> 0:04:51.680 a drink, see if there's a spark and move on. 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:58.120 So I was the director and which was really a 0:04:58.200 --> 0:05:02.160 crazy job, but that's for another episode. I was the 0:05:02.200 --> 0:05:04.760 director of this dating service and trying to get my 0:05:04.839 --> 0:05:07.680 numbers up and get people to join, and reached out 0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:12.000 to uh, Jeff Fessler because he had been a client 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:16.200 before I got there and his membership had expired. So 0:05:16.320 --> 0:05:18.720 called him up one day and my name is Jen 0:05:19.400 --> 0:05:22.320 and I would love to meet you. I know you 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:24.720 were a member and your membership has expired. And he's like, no, 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:27.719 thank you. It wasn't great for me, I'm not interested. 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:30.480 And being Jeff Fesslor, I was able to persuade him 0:05:30.520 --> 0:05:32.520 and you know, you haven't met me yet. I'm the 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:35.080 new director, and I think that you know, you can 0:05:35.120 --> 0:05:38.720 have a different experience anyway, So he came in like 0:05:38.760 --> 0:05:40.159 that afternoon. 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:45.720 And he joined. He joined again. 0:05:45.800 --> 0:05:49.920 But the interesting part of that was that he said, 0:05:50.000 --> 0:05:51.880 you know you have all these questions you have to ask, 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:53.760 like what are you looking for? What are you looking for? 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:59.000 You know, mentally, emotionally, physically, and he's like, what am 0:05:59.000 --> 0:05:59.560 I looking for? 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:00.480 Looking mirror? 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:03.400 And if you know Jeff, if any of you've ever 0:06:03.400 --> 0:06:05.720 watched The Housewives or seen him on it, he's that's 0:06:05.760 --> 0:06:10.559 not really his personality. He's he's very introverted, sort of shy. 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:13.680 And so I didn't realize at the time what a 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:17.680 big deal that was. But so I said, no, sorry, 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:19.719 I have a boyfriend, which I didn't. I was not 0:06:19.960 --> 0:06:23.159 attracted to him, not that he wasn't attractive. I just 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:26.360 didn't have a spark, and not to mention the fact 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:28.760 that I was, you know, I was working for this 0:06:28.839 --> 0:06:31.039 company and really shouldn't be dating my clients. But that 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:34.000 was probably second to the fact that I didn't think. 0:06:33.920 --> 0:06:34.599 There was a connection. 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:39.839 Anyway, he was very persistent and started calling me at 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:45.160 work and please, let's get together. We can just be friends, 0:06:45.200 --> 0:06:49.120 and like, I just it's funny because I met him 0:06:49.120 --> 0:06:54.000 for a drink and he walked into we had a 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:57.359 drink at the Four Seasons on fifty seventh Street. Anyway, 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:00.440 he walked in and I thought, not for me. Jeff 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:02.920 is five five. He likes to say he's five six. 0:07:02.960 --> 0:07:06.120 And the only thing I cared about for sure at 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:07.920 that time when people would fix me up on blind 0:07:07.960 --> 0:07:09.960 dates was that he had to be tall, because I 0:07:09.960 --> 0:07:11.800 always had sort of like this complex about being a 0:07:11.800 --> 0:07:16.560 bigger girl, and you know, careful what you wish for, 0:07:16.920 --> 0:07:22.120 and what is that saying? We wait, we do something, 0:07:22.160 --> 0:07:26.320 and God laughs, we plan and God laughs. Anyway, but 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:31.080 we became friends, but he was always still interested and 0:07:31.400 --> 0:07:34.640 I wasn't. But we played that little game and still 0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:40.280 hung out, and eventually I told him i'd fix him up. 0:07:40.760 --> 0:07:43.080 You know, I am the director of this dating service, 0:07:43.120 --> 0:07:44.800 So come in and we'll talk, and I'll show you 0:07:44.840 --> 0:07:47.200 some pictures of some of the women and tell me 0:07:47.200 --> 0:07:50.160 who you like. And so he did that, and the 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:52.600 second he started to pick out those women that he liked, 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:55.720 I started to get really annoyed and I was like, 0:07:56.600 --> 0:07:58.200 excuse me, you are in love with me? 0:07:58.960 --> 0:07:59.920 What is happening here? 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:03.680 So I started to feel something for Jeff, and at 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:06.800 the time, I was dating someone else. Trying to kind 0:08:06.800 --> 0:08:08.680 of wrap this up pretty quickly this part of the story, 0:08:08.720 --> 0:08:12.440 you guys, but long story short on one particular day 0:08:13.040 --> 0:08:14.760 I kissed the guy I was dating, and I kissed 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:16.000 Jeff Fessler, and I was. 0:08:15.920 --> 0:08:17.280 Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:21.720 Wait a second, it's Jeff Fessler. It is not this guy. 0:08:23.040 --> 0:08:25.560 And very quickly I was like, wait, wait, wait, I 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:31.120 love Jeff Fessler. And very quickly after that we were engaged. 0:08:31.400 --> 0:08:35.200 Very quickly after that, we were married. Very quickly after that, 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:39.760 we were pregnant. And so once I realized that he 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:41.240 was the one, he had kind of figured it out 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:45.360 before I did. I just I was like, you know, amen, 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:49.480 let's go, let's start. Let's get this part of my life, 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:55.640 rolling the family, the house in the suburbs, all of 0:08:55.679 --> 0:08:56.400 it was. 0:08:56.760 --> 0:08:58.079 It was so. 0:08:57.960 --> 0:09:00.880 Exciting that time in my life. And you know, we'd 0:09:00.920 --> 0:09:06.160 been really really close friends for a while, and once that, 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:09.360 once I kind of crossed over into falling in love 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:14.680 with Jeff, it was of course, it was more exciting 0:09:14.760 --> 0:09:18.559 and different. But the basis of our relationship was always 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:24.400 that we were best friends. And today I would tell 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:27.240 you that that is the most important part of me 0:09:27.320 --> 0:09:29.640 and Jeff Fessler. I mean, we are family and he 0:09:29.760 --> 0:09:34.320 is everything to me. But I just I had that 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:37.880 with him always. I still have it today, and I 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:40.600 tell my kids all the time how important that is 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:43.200 to not just fall in love and have you know, 0:09:43.440 --> 0:09:48.320 all of the pheromones and the hormones and the you know, 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:54.280 sparks and that kind of a sexual connection. But also 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:58.160 I really like the person you decide to spend your 0:09:58.160 --> 0:10:02.640 life with right and to respect that person. And I 0:10:02.640 --> 0:10:08.480 felt all of that for Jeff Fessler. So we get married, 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:13.920 and we do the newlywed thing, we do the new 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:17.880 parents thing, and four months after we got married, I 0:10:17.960 --> 0:10:23.040 was pregnant and gave birth to my son in two thousand. 0:10:23.240 --> 0:10:27.720 In two thousand and two, I gave birth to my daughter, and. 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:30.719 Was you know, just. 0:10:32.400 --> 0:10:34.800 I don't want to say playing that role. It's not 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:37.360 it's really not the way it felt. I was living 0:10:37.400 --> 0:10:40.079 that life. I was just everything was about, you know, 0:10:40.360 --> 0:10:45.520 the babies and Jeff and our new family. And I 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:50.360 guess like seven years into the marriage, well, things probably 0:10:50.400 --> 0:10:53.240 started to change before that. Maybe they started to change 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:57.120 a little bit year five. I don't know, but I 0:10:57.360 --> 0:11:02.640 I started hanging out with friends who loved going out 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:04.880 on Thursday nights in my town and we would go 0:11:05.000 --> 0:11:09.120 out to whatever local restaurant or bar and we would 0:11:09.240 --> 0:11:13.560 drink and we would flirt with guys and there wasn't 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:16.840 anything specific happening. I wasn't I didn't have an affair, 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:20.040 but I sort of like started to check out a 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:25.160 little bit and I started to crave that attention that 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:28.559 I did for years from men. I had lots of 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:32.360 daddy issues, but I always felt the need to draw 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:36.360 a man's attention. And you know the beginning when you 0:11:36.400 --> 0:11:39.680 have little babies, I wasn't feeling that as much, and 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:43.400 then all of a sudden, I was like I started 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:50.920 to started to need attention from men again, and so 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:54.480 it was kind of like a thing. I mean, I 0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:56.120 don't know how I found this group of women that 0:11:56.160 --> 0:11:58.640 also wanted to go out on Thursday nights. Because you know, 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:00.800 my best friends who are still my best friends today, 0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:03.440 a lot of them have been divorced, but there are 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:05.480 some of them that didn't really crave that. I don't 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:07.040 know if that's just where I was at in my 0:12:07.120 --> 0:12:11.800 life and Jeff and I were not connecting. He was 0:12:11.840 --> 0:12:17.600 working crazy long hours. He was an associate who was 0:12:17.920 --> 0:12:20.920 trying to make partner and at a law firm as 0:12:20.920 --> 0:12:24.720 a lawyer, and so he was traveling all the time 0:12:25.520 --> 0:12:29.080 and you know, I used to with the kids and 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:30.960 another friend of mine know, his husband was traveling all 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:32.880 the time. We always said we were like sister wives, 0:12:32.920 --> 0:12:36.680 and it was like, you know, four kids together and 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:42.240 the two of us getting them through anyway. So I 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:45.920 was out there as my point and my marriage was 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:51.400 definitely not my priority at that time, and it wasn't 0:12:51.960 --> 0:12:55.480 for Jeff either, and so, you know, we were just 0:12:55.520 --> 0:12:58.360 not connecting. We were not connecting on an emotional level, 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:01.400 and we were not connecting on a physical level. And 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:06.840 eventually I discovered at about year seven, I guess that 0:13:06.920 --> 0:13:13.120 Jeff had an affair, and yeah, that was that was 0:13:13.160 --> 0:13:17.320 a hard day. Podcast is not long enough for me 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:19.600 to get into all of the details of it all, 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:22.439 but I will tell you that it was a very 0:13:22.520 --> 0:13:27.880 strange thing. This woman that Jeff was involved with and 0:13:27.920 --> 0:13:32.080 I had this conversation and I don't know, I knew 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:36.240 almost immediately that something was up. But that's not the 0:13:36.280 --> 0:13:41.320 point of this whole big picture story. But I, as 0:13:41.559 --> 0:13:44.920 you would expect, completely lost my mind. I'm saying all 0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:46.679 of this to you first about my going out on 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:49.920 Thursday nights and the headspace I was in because I 0:13:49.960 --> 0:13:52.920 do believe that if it was just a matter of 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:57.840 time before it was me. And so everybody, you know, 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:02.640 got so much feedback and advice, and I remember, just 0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:04.560 like my mom saying, how could you stay with him? 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:08.760 But I guess I knew there was a part of 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:10.640 me that knew that that not only does it take 0:14:10.679 --> 0:14:14.400 too But I almost felt lucky that it was him first, 0:14:14.720 --> 0:14:19.800 because I could place all the blame on him. But 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:22.360 I had been flirting with other guys and whatever. I 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:35.720 know that I was headed in that direction. Once I 0:14:35.800 --> 0:14:39.560 discovered that Jeff had had an affair, we probably spent 0:14:39.680 --> 0:14:47.840 I guess about a year still together. And this summer 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:50.480 after it happened, I said to him, I'm going to 0:14:50.520 --> 0:14:52.600 Florida because I'd had lots of friends in Florida. My 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:55.280 sister was in Florida. I'm taking the kids for the summer, 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:59.080 and I just need some space. This was not a separation, 0:14:59.200 --> 0:15:01.160 This was just I just want to go to Florida. 0:15:01.320 --> 0:15:03.680 I want to, you know, be by my friends, be 0:15:03.760 --> 0:15:07.800 by my sister. Found a little rental, went to Florida, 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.960 and not only found a little rental, found myself a 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:17.560 little boyfriend. And so the end of that summer I'll 0:15:17.560 --> 0:15:21.600 never forget. Jeff came to visit and I told him 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:28.480 that I wanted a separation. And it's interesting because I 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:31.640 remember when he came to visit and we actually took 0:15:31.640 --> 0:15:35.480 the kids to Disney, and when he left, I just 0:15:35.520 --> 0:15:38.080 will never forget my son, just being so distraught. I 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:40.360 want to go home, I want daddy. You know, I 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:45.280 didn't factor in when I got separated. I guess because 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:49.000 I had been through so much divorce. I didn't factor 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:51.440 and how hard it was going to be, not only 0:15:51.480 --> 0:15:54.600 on my kids, but to watch my kids in that 0:15:54.680 --> 0:15:56.440 kind of pain. You know, they weren't. My parents were 0:15:56.440 --> 0:15:57.920 divorced when I was three, and then they got divorced 0:15:57.960 --> 0:16:02.520 again and again and again and again, and so you know, 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:07.480 my mind, kids are resilient, but it was a whole 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:11.800 other level of difficult. And you know, I think probably 0:16:11.800 --> 0:16:17.040 every mother and father feels that. Right when heard it 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:19.840 said that, like when you're getting divorced, you get to 0:16:19.880 --> 0:16:21.440 the point if you go through with your divorce, where 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.440 nothing matters except that you can't be with this person 0:16:24.440 --> 0:16:26.920 anymore because it's so hard. It's so hard, especially if 0:16:26.960 --> 0:16:29.560 you have kids. Well it's hard even if you don't, obviously, 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:34.400 but it's so hard to watch your kids go through 0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:38.040 this with you, and so I guess I think a 0:16:38.040 --> 0:16:40.000 lot of people get to the point where they're like, Okay, listen, 0:16:40.040 --> 0:16:43.480 the kids are resilient. I don't care about the money, 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:46.680 I don't care about being alone. I just can't be 0:16:46.720 --> 0:16:49.400 in this marriage anymore. But that was not the case 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:54.200 with me or Jeff. So but I had this boyfriend, 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:59.000 and I was convinced that, you know, it was time 0:16:59.200 --> 0:17:02.760 and that I on it a divorce. So I went 0:17:02.800 --> 0:17:05.720 back to Jersey and Jeff moved out and he moved 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:11.800 into New York City and was distraught, I have to say, 0:17:11.840 --> 0:17:15.560 and the boyfriend, my boyfriend at the time, moved to 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:20.879 Jersey from Florida. I did so many things wrong, you guys, 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:24.640 that I wouldn't not do again and that I'm sorry for, 0:17:25.359 --> 0:17:27.879 even though in the end there's a happy ending. But 0:17:29.600 --> 0:17:32.920 you know, I was so caught up in this feeling 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:36.639 of my heart racing from this guy, and you know, 0:17:36.680 --> 0:17:37.360 he's a nice guy. 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:38.400 He was a very nice guy. 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:43.199 And this passion that I was feeling and that just 0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:47.439 took over in a way, and I would have I 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:49.960 had to do it again, I would have slowed things 0:17:50.080 --> 0:17:57.200 way down and I would have, you know, potentially just happened. 0:17:57.200 --> 0:17:59.480 It all seemed to happen so fast, and him moving 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:02.480 to New Jersey and introducing him to my kids and 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:07.320 you know, them forming a relationship. So you know, you 0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:10.639 live and learn. And the thing is, though, you know, 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:13.440 Jeff and I were separated for a year and a 0:18:13.480 --> 0:18:17.719 half going on two. But the whole time we were separated, 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:24.320 we just didn't seem to move forward in the divorce proceedings. 0:18:24.480 --> 0:18:29.320 So we got a mediator, and which was an easy 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:34.720 choice to make because there wasn't a lot of animosity 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:38.159 there anything. There was just like I just felt so 0:18:38.359 --> 0:18:42.120 sad and so badly because Jeff really did not want 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:46.399 to get divorced, although we did. He got a girlfriend also, 0:18:48.400 --> 0:18:51.719 but we would like I don't know, there was no 0:18:52.600 --> 0:18:54.560 screaming at each other over money. I remember at one 0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:56.600 point I said to him, listen, I'm not worried. I 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:58.520 don't we don't need a lawyer because I know you, 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:00.920 I know your heart, I know what kind of father 0:19:01.000 --> 0:19:03.120 you are. I'm not at all worried that you're gonna 0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:06.680 screw me. I trust you, and I'm sure that people 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:08.359 everywhere friends I don't remember at the time, they were 0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:11.479 probably like, you're you're a freaking idiot. But I just 0:19:11.600 --> 0:19:14.919 I knew him. I know Jeff Wessler, and so we 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:18.240 didn't like, we weren't at each other's throats. When the 0:19:18.280 --> 0:19:22.480 kids would call UH to complain about I don't know 0:19:22.560 --> 0:19:25.040 daddy said this or Daddy did that. I was sort 0:19:25.080 --> 0:19:28.439 of like, honey, you died the wrong number. Do not 0:19:28.440 --> 0:19:31.760 complain about your father to me. And you know, he 0:19:31.880 --> 0:19:34.840 was the same. We were just very respectful of each 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:40.240 other and sad and just very very sad. And eventually 0:19:41.560 --> 0:19:47.199 there's a lot that that went down. But eventually we 0:19:47.200 --> 0:19:52.720 were both on vacation. Jeff took the kids to beaches 0:19:52.720 --> 0:19:55.760 in Jamaica maybe and I at that time went to 0:19:56.119 --> 0:20:01.680 Saint Bart's, very glamorous with my boyfriend. And the whole 0:20:01.720 --> 0:20:05.919 time I was there, I was so sad. And it 0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:10.600 had nothing to do with this guy. Again, perfectly lovely, guy, 0:20:10.720 --> 0:20:15.080 treated me very well, but I just missed my family. 0:20:15.760 --> 0:20:18.159 And when I would talk to Jeff and the kids, 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:19.919 you know, and they were in a whole different they 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:23.200 were at all inclusive, and I don't know I was 0:20:23.200 --> 0:20:25.959 at this glamorous hotel, it was like, you know, a 0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:29.240 fortune and hob nobbing with the rich and famous, and 0:20:29.280 --> 0:20:31.000 all I wanted to do was like be at the 0:20:31.040 --> 0:20:34.399 buffet at beaches in Jamaica, and I just, I guess 0:20:34.520 --> 0:20:41.359 I just missed Jeff. I just missed him terribly. So 0:20:42.320 --> 0:20:45.080 got back from vacation and would like lie to my 0:20:45.080 --> 0:20:47.040 boyfriend and tell him I was going to go into mediation. 0:20:47.119 --> 0:20:51.480 And meanwhile I was like meeting Jeff at Chili's and 0:20:51.600 --> 0:20:57.320 just talking, and you know, he was so certain that 0:20:57.600 --> 0:21:01.399 we were making a mistake the whole time, and I 0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:04.040 think I was. I also, I knew in my heart 0:21:04.119 --> 0:21:07.320 that it was a mistake, because again, it's not easy 0:21:07.359 --> 0:21:11.000 to get divorced. I think that most people, maybe not everyone, 0:21:11.000 --> 0:21:13.840 but most people that do, they're they're pretty positive, right, 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:19.080 And I just didn't want to live my life without Jeffessler. 0:21:19.119 --> 0:21:23.080 And there were so many reasons for it. Jeff Fessler 0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:28.440 made and makes me feel safe and makes me feel peaceful. 0:21:28.440 --> 0:21:32.680 I heard said this maybe mel Robbins said something once. 0:21:32.720 --> 0:21:34.919 It resonated with me, and it was that he's, like 0:21:35.000 --> 0:21:39.840 she said, don't wish to fall madly in love, wish 0:21:39.960 --> 0:21:43.399 to fall peacefully in love. And I know, like at 0:21:43.440 --> 0:21:48.200 the beginning of any relationship, there's the sparks fly, and 0:21:48.240 --> 0:21:53.119 there's all of that energy, and you know, excitement and 0:21:53.720 --> 0:21:56.600 crazy sex and all of that, not always but hopefully. 0:21:57.240 --> 0:21:59.440 But I would say, and I have said to my kids, 0:21:59.480 --> 0:22:02.159 all of that after a while, it's not that it 0:22:02.200 --> 0:22:07.560 goes away entirely, but life gets real. And so that 0:22:07.640 --> 0:22:13.160 did definitely dissipate for us that excitement and life got real, 0:22:13.320 --> 0:22:16.520 and I think that we both were looking for that 0:22:16.600 --> 0:22:19.240 excitement again as opposed to looking to each other to 0:22:19.280 --> 0:22:22.280 find it and to put it back into our marriage. 0:22:23.480 --> 0:22:25.000 I say all this to you, by the way, I'm 0:22:25.000 --> 0:22:27.520 not a marriage counselor this is just I'm just this 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:34.840 is just you know, my experience. But we again, we 0:22:34.880 --> 0:22:37.919 went to Chili's and then it was Valentine's Day and 0:22:37.920 --> 0:22:41.400 he bought me these little earrings and it was like, okay, enough, 0:22:41.680 --> 0:22:44.840 this is clearly we are not ready to get divorced. 0:22:44.840 --> 0:22:48.080 But we also knew that we couldn't get back together 0:22:48.280 --> 0:22:50.439 and then have it happen again. Right, you can't do 0:22:50.520 --> 0:22:54.959 that to your kids again. So we had long conversations 0:22:55.280 --> 0:22:57.640 and I just knew that I didn't want to live 0:22:57.960 --> 0:23:03.000 my life without Jeff Fessler it not only in it, 0:23:03.040 --> 0:23:08.080 but you know, as my husband, and so we made 0:23:08.080 --> 0:23:11.920 that decision and try again. I remember we went my 0:23:12.040 --> 0:23:14.000 kids always went to Sleepway Camp and we went to 0:23:14.080 --> 0:23:16.679 visiting day and we sat down and we're like, you know, 0:23:16.680 --> 0:23:17.720 we have to tell you something. 0:23:20.160 --> 0:23:22.320 We are getting back together. 0:23:22.800 --> 0:23:27.600 And I just remember them staring at us and like 0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:32.280 it was like you, guys, I promise, I promise you, 0:23:32.359 --> 0:23:34.240 this is not going to happen again. And I don't 0:23:34.280 --> 0:23:36.359 remember the exact words that I use, but you know 0:23:36.560 --> 0:23:40.240 they were confused, of course, and happy, of course. And 0:23:41.880 --> 0:23:45.080 we sold our house because it was just time for 0:23:45.119 --> 0:23:48.120 a fresh start and same town, moved into a new 0:23:48.119 --> 0:23:52.840 house and actually we're in our third house here in 0:23:52.920 --> 0:23:56.159 Upper Saltle River where we live, and we started again. 0:23:56.920 --> 0:24:02.040 So let me just say, of all, I am not 0:24:02.680 --> 0:24:06.000 suggesting that anyone following the path that Jefffessler and I did, 0:24:06.160 --> 0:24:10.440 and I'm not saying that separation for sure is the answer. 0:24:10.600 --> 0:24:13.080 I can only speak from my own experience and say 0:24:13.119 --> 0:24:17.840 that things changed, and they changed for better. It's funny 0:24:17.840 --> 0:24:21.679 because in my town, like a lot of small suburban towns, 0:24:21.720 --> 0:24:24.720 everybody talks, right. So like when we got separated, everybody talked. 0:24:26.440 --> 0:24:31.600 When you know, everybody knew about our infidelity, and everybody 0:24:31.920 --> 0:24:35.080 knew when I had the new boyfriend and whatever. But 0:24:36.400 --> 0:24:38.920 when we got back together, I think that's probably when 0:24:38.960 --> 0:24:41.240 people started talking the most. And I started getting phone 0:24:41.240 --> 0:24:47.760 calls from a lot of women confidentially reaching out and saying, listen, 0:24:47.920 --> 0:24:51.920 I you know whatever, I really am not I want 0:24:51.960 --> 0:24:53.960 to get separated, but I'm not sure I want to 0:24:54.000 --> 0:24:56.560 get divorced or women that were separated, and how'd you 0:24:56.600 --> 0:24:56.960 do it? 0:24:57.240 --> 0:24:57.760 What did you do? 0:24:57.880 --> 0:25:00.119 How did you manage to get back together? And I 0:25:00.119 --> 0:25:02.160 don't even know, and I didn't know then. I really 0:25:02.200 --> 0:25:05.399