Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
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Speaker 1: experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
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Speaker 1: Head to Jasheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get
Speaker 1: yours today. Break the patterns your brain links routines to them.
Speaker 1: If you change your routine, you will change the attachment too.
Speaker 1: Many of us don't change our pattern, don't change our
Speaker 1: routine and expect to change the attachment. The number one
Speaker 1: health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Shetty, Hey everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty,
Speaker 1: and I am so happy, so grateful that you've joined
Speaker 1: me today. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's struggling
Speaker 1: with a breakup. If you or your friend has gone
Speaker 1: through a recent breakup, and even though you're putting on
Speaker 1: a brave face or they're putting on a brave face,
Speaker 1: you know this has affected you, it's affected them. This
Speaker 1: episode is for you and them. If you're someone who
Speaker 1: is scared of breaking up because of what might come,
Speaker 1: this episode is for you. And if you're someone who
Speaker 1: just got broken up with and you're trying to figure
Speaker 1: out what healing looks like, whether it's possible, what are
Speaker 1: the things that are about to come your way, this
Speaker 1: episode is for you. I really want you to use
Speaker 1: this episode as a map, as a guideline to create
Speaker 1: your own reinvention, to create your own rejuvenation, and to
Speaker 1: create your own comeback. I really believe that this episode
Speaker 1: will give you ideas, insights, ways in which you can
Speaker 1: apply to see how to use this as a transformative experience.
Speaker 1: These moments in our lives come at us hard and fast.
Speaker 1: They hit us really hard, and they affect all areas
Speaker 1: of our life. And often when we're going through a breakup,
Speaker 1: we really feel like there will be no better day.
Speaker 1: There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Speaker 1: We can often experience this, but this episode is here
Speaker 1: to remind you not only will you write, but you
Speaker 1: all rise stronger, better, and more resilient. I also want
Speaker 1: to make this episode extremely practical and tactical for you,
Speaker 1: So write down notes, whether you're using your phone or
Speaker 1: whether you're writing down in your journal, and make sure
Speaker 1: you come back to this one as well. So the
Speaker 1: first thing I want to set you is this idea
Speaker 1: called a thirty day no contact reinvention Challenge. Instead of
Speaker 1: just avoiding contact, I want you to actively reinvent yourself
Speaker 1: each day. The reason why breakups hurt so much is
Speaker 1: because we feel parts of ourself are lost, broken, or
Speaker 1: gone forever. And when we've realized that, actually we're not
Speaker 1: trying to hold on to what was there. We're trying
Speaker 1: to rebuild from what's left. We're looking at what has
Speaker 1: been left behind and what we can do with that
Speaker 1: at not what we once had. So I'm gonna break
Speaker 1: this down into five day experiences because often what we
Speaker 1: think about is we hear things like time will heal
Speaker 1: all wounds. That's not untrue. I actually think that is true.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing. We need to make it smaller.
Speaker 1: We need to make it more measurable. We need to
Speaker 1: make it more actionable. Does time mean six months, twelve months,
Speaker 1: three months? So I'm gonna give you a thirty day
Speaker 1: no contact reinvention challenge. Day one to five potentially the
Speaker 1: most difficult, hardest, painful days. You just broke up with them,
Speaker 1: They just broke up with you. This is the time
Speaker 1: that you're most likely to run back to them, or
Speaker 1: they're most likely to try and get you back, or
Speaker 1: they're most likely to ignore you and you really want
Speaker 1: them back. Day one to five will be the hardest
Speaker 1: days you experience. Here's what you do. Delete messages, remove reminders,
Speaker 1: block social media, create a breakup free digital space. It's
Speaker 1: so needed, it's so so needed, And a big part
Speaker 1: of this is something I call the anti ritual disruption.
Speaker 1: You had a ritual with this person that started to
Speaker 1: feel like your life. You always texted them good night,
Speaker 1: you always got a good morning message from them, You
Speaker 1: always went out to coffee together on Saturday Sundays for brunch.
Speaker 1: Break those patterns, purge, delete the messages, remove the reminders,
Speaker 1: block mute, break up free digital space, and break the
Speaker 1: patterns of those rituals. If you always texted them goodnight.
Speaker 1: Text someone else good night. A friend, a family member,
Speaker 1: someone who's always been there for you, someone who's always around,
Speaker 1: someone that you may not even remember that often send
Speaker 1: them a good night message. Used to go with them
Speaker 1: every Saturday to get a coffee, every Sunday to get brunch.
Speaker 1: Change your coffee shop, change your brunt spot. I don't really,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter how much you love that place or
Speaker 1: how amazing it was, change the memory, break the pattern,
Speaker 1: take yourself out for coffee, go out with someone else
Speaker 1: for brunch, switch the pattern up. One of the biggest
Speaker 1: mistakes we make is we stay in the same pattern
Speaker 1: wanting to get rid of something. It is pretty impossible
Speaker 1: to remove an emotional feeling from a physical place. If
Speaker 1: that physical place mattered to you. Both break the patterns
Speaker 1: your brain links routines to them. If you change your routine,
Speaker 1: you will change the attachment. Too. Many of us don't
Speaker 1: change our pattern, don't change our routine, and expect to
Speaker 1: change the attachment. Now. It is true, we kind of
Speaker 1: want to feel close to it. There's a part of
Speaker 1: us that secretly even enjoys the fact that that place
Speaker 1: mattered to us. We still go there. We have some feelings.
Speaker 1: I get it, but we have to purge. Day one
Speaker 1: to five, Day six to ten body reset. Change something physical.
Speaker 1: Maybe you're going to change a new hairstyle, a fitness routine,
Speaker 1: a sleep schedule. We're going back to breaking patterns, but
Speaker 1: we're breaking patterns of our own. So the first half
Speaker 1: was breaking patterns from the relationships. Day one to five
Speaker 1: used to message them you mess with someone else. Day
Speaker 1: six to ten, you're breaking your own patterns. A new
Speaker 1: fitness routine, a new sleep schedule, a new hairstyle, whatever
Speaker 1: it may be that works for you. The reason why
Speaker 1: we want to break things so quickly and organically as well,
Speaker 1: of course there has to be things you want to
Speaker 1: do is because you're shifting and moving. We're not used
Speaker 1: to change, especially when you're in relationships. When you get
Speaker 1: into a long term relationship or an invested relationship, routines
Speaker 1: are at the heart of that rich relationship. Rituals are
Speaker 1: at the heart of that relationship. The quicker you shift
Speaker 1: your rituals and routines, the quicker you change your memories
Speaker 1: of that relationship. Too many of us stay in the
Speaker 1: same physical state. We don't do a body reset. We
Speaker 1: stay in the same place for a long long time.
Speaker 1: It's one of the reasons why revenge body, which I'm
Speaker 1: not encouraging. I encourage you to work out for yourself
Speaker 1: and your own health. But a reason why that idea
Speaker 1: makes sense because you're getting active, you're shifting something about yourself,
Speaker 1: but ideally do it for yourself. Day eleven to fifteen
Speaker 1: is a social reset. Reach out to three old friends
Speaker 1: or make a new connection. By day eleven to fifteen,
Speaker 1: you're going to want to text that X. You might
Speaker 1: even have been strong up until now, and now you
Speaker 1: can't bear it. It's not harder than the first five days.
Speaker 1: It's harder than it felt in those first five days
Speaker 1: to not message them. You get pulled back into that
Speaker 1: old habit. So I'm going to give you what I
Speaker 1: call the five text rule for breaking the urge to
Speaker 1: reach out. This is called the five text rule. Before
Speaker 1: you text your X, send five texts, one to a friend,
Speaker 1: one to someone you admire, one to a family member,
Speaker 1: one to yourself. Yep, literally text yourself and five one
Speaker 1: to a new connection. By the end of that the
Speaker 1: urge usually passes because you've created five conversations. Now you
Speaker 1: may message your friend and your friend's not available. So
Speaker 1: usually you'd message your friend and then you'd go message
Speaker 1: your ex, especially if you ask your friend, hey, should
Speaker 1: I message my ex? Don't make the conversation about your ex.
Speaker 1: Make it about something else. Message your friend and ask
Speaker 1: them what they're doing later. What are they doing this weekend?
Speaker 1: How's their day going? Ask them questions about them. Shift
Speaker 1: the energy from your problems to helping them. Too many
Speaker 1: of us will reach out to everyone in our life
Speaker 1: and only talk about our problems. Hey, I really need
Speaker 1: to talk to you. I'm really struggling with this. Hey
Speaker 1: I just need to talk about my ex. Hey I
Speaker 1: think I should take them back? Hey, I really want
Speaker 1: to message them? What should I do? You use the
Speaker 1: people that are trying to help you to solve the
Speaker 1: situation about the person who hurt you. Make it about
Speaker 1: that person, help them, support them, be there for them,
Speaker 1: ask them how their day is going. You will get
Speaker 1: out of your own head. So send a message to
Speaker 1: a friend and don't make it, hey should I text
Speaker 1: my ex? Second, someone you admire, maybe a professor, or
Speaker 1: it may be a DM to someone online. Whatever it
Speaker 1: may be, just someone you look up to, and again,
Speaker 1: make it separate from the conversation one to a family member.
Speaker 1: I promise you there's a family member in your life
Speaker 1: who loves you, who supports you, who's there for you,
Speaker 1: and you forgot about them during that relationship. You ignored them,
Speaker 1: you disconnected for them, and you don't need to do that.
Speaker 1: Send a message to that person. Number four, Send a
Speaker 1: message to yourself. It's a great place to store your thoughts.
Speaker 1: Often we try and solve our thoughts in our head.
Speaker 1: Pretty difficult to do that. It's almost like, when you
Speaker 1: think about it, there's a courtroom and then there's a
Speaker 1: jewelry room right in the courtroom. The jewelry room listens,
Speaker 1: but they go to the jewey room to make a decision.
Speaker 1: You need to have a conversation with yourself in text
Speaker 1: form in the jury room. Your mind's like the courtroom
Speaker 1: where you think you have to make the big decisions,
Speaker 1: where you think you have to solve everything. But that's
Speaker 1: not true. You need to be able to go to
Speaker 1: a jewelry room to discuss it, to think about it,
Speaker 1: to reflect, and the courtroom is just the place you
Speaker 1: announce the decision. Notice that distinction is huge, right, Often
Speaker 1: we're just having conversations in our head. Should I stay
Speaker 1: with them, should I text them? Should I take them back?
Speaker 1: What should I do? And you're almost trying to make
Speaker 1: this big decision in the courtroom. Text yourself, build a
Speaker 1: log of how you feel different at different times, how
Speaker 1: do you really feel about that person? And I'll come
Speaker 1: back to that point, But what do you really think?
Speaker 1: What do you really believe? The courtroom? Your mind is
Speaker 1: a place to listen, is a place to absorb. It's there,
Speaker 1: But the decision is made in the jewelry room and
Speaker 1: announced in the courtroom. When you've taken out that personal
Speaker 1: time to reflect, to introspect, to think, you can come
Speaker 1: back to your mind, and whenever your mind says let's
Speaker 1: text them, you go, no, we thought about this. I'm
Speaker 1: going to text five people first. The five text rule
Speaker 1: for breaking the urge to reach out is a game changer.
Speaker 1: One to a friend, one to someone you admire, one
Speaker 1: to a family friend, one to yourself, and fifth to
Speaker 1: a new connection. Could be someone you're networking with, a
Speaker 1: community member, obviously if it's brand new, ideally not someone
Speaker 1: you're dating, But if you're further down the line, it
Speaker 1: could be that and all of a sudden, you've started
Speaker 1: five conversations, and here's what you learn through this. You
Speaker 1: start to learn that there is more connection out there
Speaker 1: than you actually believe. There is more love out there
Speaker 1: than you actually believe. There is more support out there
Speaker 1: than you actually believe. Let me say that again. You
Speaker 1: have to remember that there is more love in your
Speaker 1: life than you believe. You have more support in your
Speaker 1: life than you believe, and you have more people rooting
Speaker 1: for you than you believe. The problem is, you've learned
Speaker 1: to believe that there's only one person who can love
Speaker 1: you perfectly. You've learned to believe that there's only one
Speaker 1: person who knows what you need. You have trained yourself
Speaker 1: to believe that there's only one person who can satisfy you.
Speaker 1: And when you text five people, you start recognizing that's
Speaker 1: just not true. There are so many people who understand you,
Speaker 1: there are so many people who care about you, there
Speaker 1: are so many people who value you, and you have
Speaker 1: to experience it. You can't just remind yourself, you can't
Speaker 1: just talk yourself through it. You actually have to practice it.
Speaker 1: And when you get messages back from your friend, someone
Speaker 1: you admire, a family member, yourself, you're not going to
Speaker 1: get a text back from but you now have that
Speaker 1: jewelry room courtroom breakdown, and finally a person, maybe that
Speaker 1: you're networking with, a community member, someone you're dating, all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, you realize you always had that value.
Speaker 1: We have to unlearn this idea that there's only one
Speaker 1: person who knows how to love you, that there's only
Speaker 1: one person who knows how to help you. I couldn't
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Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink Jauni dot com and make
Speaker 1: sure you use the code on Purpose. Day sixteen to
Speaker 1: twenty is called the mind Shift. Notice how we went
Speaker 1: body people mind, right, So we started with the purge,
Speaker 1: so we kind of blocked out everything we didn't want in.
Speaker 1: But then we started with the body because it's great
Speaker 1: to feel shift in the body. Then we went the
Speaker 1: people around us, and now we do the mind. So
Speaker 1: what we often do with the mind is we just
Speaker 1: listen to love songs, we watch our favorite romantic movies
Speaker 1: and guess what, You sit there and you cry and
Speaker 1: you e ice screaming, by the way, and there's nothing
Speaker 1: wrong with any of that. That's okay if you want
Speaker 1: to do that. But when you're ready, this is the
Speaker 1: thirty days that's going to change it for you. The
Speaker 1: no love songs, no sad movies, detox, cut out all
Speaker 1: breakup music and movies for thirty days when you're ready
Speaker 1: to really get over this breakup. Right. This thirty days
Speaker 1: may come three months after you break up for some
Speaker 1: of you, who may come immediately after your breakup. For
Speaker 1: some people, it may come six years after you break up.
Speaker 1: But these thirty days have to happen at some point.
Speaker 1: Replace them with uplifting, neutral, or empowering content. Start a
Speaker 1: new book, Listen to a new podcast. Maybe you're listening
Speaker 1: to this one right now for that reason. Start a
Speaker 1: new course, a masterclass. Flood your brain with new ideas.
Speaker 1: It's time to change your mind. Now. Why did we
Speaker 1: go body people mind? Because if you try and do
Speaker 1: this one first, it's really hard. When you've already shifted
Speaker 1: your body, you're feeling a new state. Right. We all
Speaker 1: know the feeling when we change something physical because we
Speaker 1: live in our physical selves. It changes everything for us.
Speaker 1: Right when you change your hairstyle, you almost are surprised
Speaker 1: every time you look in the mirror. When you change
Speaker 1: your workout routine, you're more surprised about the energy you feel.
Speaker 1: When you change your environment, like the color of a room,
Speaker 1: you feel different. So we want to change physical states first,
Speaker 1: then the people around us, then our mind. A lot
Speaker 1: of us try and do the mind shift first and
Speaker 1: it doesn't work right, It doesn't work, And this works wonders.
Speaker 1: This mind shift fuels you with so many different ideas
Speaker 1: and a good thing you can add to this is
Speaker 1: something I call the reverse bucket list. Instead of listing
Speaker 1: things you want to do, list things you never want
Speaker 1: to do or repeat in a relationship. Right we're used
Speaker 1: to writing down all the things we want to do
Speaker 1: before we die. List all the things you never want
Speaker 1: to do again in a relationship, and use this as
Speaker 1: a guide when you start dating again, so you don't
Speaker 1: just heal, but you upgrade. I think this is one
Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes we make. People are just trying
Speaker 1: to get over their X. We're just trying to move on,
Speaker 1: but we're not upgrading. And I think when you choose
Speaker 1: to say, hey, this is what I'm I'm never gonna
Speaker 1: do again. I'm never gonna fall fast. I'm never just
Speaker 1: gonna give up my trust. I'm never just gonna hand them.
Speaker 1: You know, whatever it is that you made mistakes on
Speaker 1: and again, you don't want these things to be extreme.
Speaker 1: You want them to be real, and you may edit them,
Speaker 1: you may review them, and you may change them over time.
Speaker 1: But it's great to start with a reverse bucket list.
Speaker 1: I want to go back to that idea about a
Speaker 1: new identity for a second. It's so important that if
Speaker 1: your Sunday routine used to involve snuggling up to a movie,
Speaker 1: make Sundays your workout and meal prep day. The goal
Speaker 1: is all about erasing patterns and building new ones. That
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you'll never go back to that park. It
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you'll never go back to that restaurant that
Speaker 1: you loved. Right, that's not the point I'm making. The
Speaker 1: point I'm making is that we need to shift pattern.
Speaker 1: We need to edit pattern as quickly as possible. Right,
Speaker 1: we have to do that. Another thing that usually happens
Speaker 1: by this day is there are things you want to
Speaker 1: say to that person. Right by this point, you've reflected,
Speaker 1: you've thought about it, and now you're like, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: there's stuff I want to say to that person that
Speaker 1: I never got to say. And sometimes it's an excuse
Speaker 1: to just get back in touch, feel a bit of
Speaker 1: you know, interest again. A lot of the time, it's
Speaker 1: just a painful point that you never got closure from them.
Speaker 1: So what you want to do in this regard is
Speaker 1: create a private note or text thread where you vent
Speaker 1: instead of texting them, So you're not texting yourself. You're
Speaker 1: now texting them, but it's not going to them. You're
Speaker 1: not pressing send. Every time you feel an emotional wave,
Speaker 1: type out what you'd say to them, but don't send it,
Speaker 1: and you can read it back later. See how fast
Speaker 1: your emotion shift. And this helps you break the illusion
Speaker 1: that they are the solution to your feelings. You believe
Speaker 1: that they're the ones to give you closure. This process,
Speaker 1: you realize that you're the only person who can give
Speaker 1: you closure. What this evolves into is something I call
Speaker 1: the reverse closure letter that you never send. Write a
Speaker 1: letter from your future healed self to your present self.
Speaker 1: It could sound like this, I know this hurts now,
Speaker 1: but trust me, it will all make sense. You'll be
Speaker 1: grateful for this in the future, this will turn out
Speaker 1: to be the best thing that ever happened to you,
Speaker 1: and you can read this every time you doubt yourself.
Speaker 1: I hope that this is helping. I hope it's resonating.
Speaker 1: I hope it's connecting. I want you to find one
Speaker 1: or two things in here that really move the needle
Speaker 1: for you, that really help you. And a few quick
Speaker 1: ways to think about it is the opposite day technique.
Speaker 1: If you feel like isolating, make yourself go out. If
Speaker 1: you feel like crying in bed, make yourself journal. The
Speaker 1: goal is to retrain your nervous system so that you're
Speaker 1: not just sinking into emotional autopilot. The opposite day technique
Speaker 1: is one of my favorite ways because it shifts you
Speaker 1: out of your thing. And that's really what we're talking
Speaker 1: about here. What we're talking about with all of this
Speaker 1: is how can you quickly shift yourself, not to make
Speaker 1: things better, not to negate your feelings, not to neglect
Speaker 1: how you feel, but to put yourself in a position
Speaker 1: of strength of being able to actually deal with this
Speaker 1: in a healthy way. Day twenty one to day twenty five,
Speaker 1: Adventure mode. Do something you've never done before. Right, It's
Speaker 1: fun it's exciting. Set up a solo date night, set
Speaker 1: up an activity night, whatever you want to do with
Speaker 1: some friends, find people that you want to do interesting
Speaker 1: things with that you've never done before. All of a sudden,
Speaker 1: you realize your life is filled with more adventure than
Speaker 1: you ever thought. Twenty six to day thirty is reflection.
Speaker 1: In the reflection phase, I want you to set a
Speaker 1: ninety day reminder. Mark a date ninety days from today
Speaker 1: on your calendar, right down where you want to be emotionally.
Speaker 1: One you skill, hobby, or milestone you will have accomplished
Speaker 1: or work towards. And then in ninety days you have
Speaker 1: something to look at, something to look at how far
Speaker 1: you've come, something to look at how far you've broken
Speaker 1: And remember when you thought you'd never get over this,
Speaker 1: Look at you now now. Healing isn't linear. You'll have
Speaker 1: moments where you go back and forth, but it will
Speaker 1: blow your mind how far you've come. You have to
Speaker 1: set a future date from which you can look back
Speaker 1: at where you are now. One of my favorite reflections
Speaker 1: that have encouraged clients to do in this regard is
Speaker 1: point when you're ready to call. What I call is
Speaker 1: visualizing them as a stranger. Imagine running into them ten
Speaker 1: years from now at a coffee shop. Picture them as
Speaker 1: just some person, no emotional charge, no judgment, just neutral.
Speaker 1: It tricks your brain into fast forwarding the healing process
Speaker 1: and reducing emotional intensity. Now you can't rush to that,
Speaker 1: but it's a really great way of realizing that one day,
Speaker 1: right now, there's all these emotions, there's all this pain,
Speaker 1: there's all this stress, which you're allowed to feel. One
Speaker 1: day you won't feel it, not in the same intensity
Speaker 1: at least. And another thing that's really helped me is
Speaker 1: what I call removing the storyline. Take a brutally honest
Speaker 1: inventory of the relationship's worst moments. Look at the facts.
Speaker 1: Did they make you feel insecure? Did you have to
Speaker 1: shrink yourself and reframe it? You didn't lose them, You
Speaker 1: freed yourself, right, You didn't lose them, You actually became free.
Speaker 1: And I think to so many of us, that's what
Speaker 1: we're trying to recognize, is that in some way, somewhere
Speaker 1: deep down, we know you know that this is actually
Speaker 1: going to be good for you. It's just that we're
Speaker 1: holding so strongly onto the idea. And then if all
Speaker 1: of that doesn't work. Here's my favorite. Change their contact
Speaker 1: name or delete it. But if you don't change it,
Speaker 1: save their name as do not text or call. That
Speaker 1: simple reminder will block you when you're about to do something.
Speaker 1: Remove the shared Google photo access, mute and block on Spotify,
Speaker 1: Venmo anywhere that it may come up. Because all it
Speaker 1: is is a trigger. Instagram TikTok. All it is is
Speaker 1: a trigger, and you don't have to be strong enough
Speaker 1: to not be triggered. I think a lot of us think, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not weak. I can still see them and not
Speaker 1: be affected. We are that weak. All of us are
Speaker 1: sent back right down nostalgia lane, memory lane, and that's
Speaker 1: where we go. Give it a moment. I really hope
Speaker 1: this helps. I really hope this supports you. Let me
Speaker 1: know who you shared this with. I really believe that
Speaker 1: these techniques will help you throw a breakup. Thank you
Speaker 1: for trusting me with your time. Remember I'm always in
Speaker 1: your corner and forever routing for you. Thanks for listening,
Speaker 1: and I really really can't wait for you to listen
Speaker 1: to another episode. Hey everyone, if you love that conversation,
Speaker 1: go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist,
Speaker 1: Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people
Speaker 1: ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak,
Speaker 1: and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space
Speaker 1: right now, you won't want to miss this comsation. If
Speaker 1: it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue.
Speaker 1: It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as
Speaker 1: you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.