1 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:04,920 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can 3 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 1: experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It 5 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO 6 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:25,040 Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, 7 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,120 Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to 8 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences 9 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a 10 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. 11 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: Head to Jasheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get 12 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:49,760 Speaker 1: yours today. Break the patterns your brain links routines to them. 13 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,560 Speaker 1: If you change your routine, you will change the attachment too. 14 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 1: Many of us don't change our pattern, don't change our 15 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 1: routine and expect to change the attachment. The number one 16 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Shetty, Hey everyone, 17 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:14,280 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty, 18 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,840 Speaker 1: and I am so happy, so grateful that you've joined 19 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:23,400 Speaker 1: me today. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's struggling 20 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 1: with a breakup. If you or your friend has gone 21 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,560 Speaker 1: through a recent breakup, and even though you're putting on 22 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 1: a brave face or they're putting on a brave face, 23 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: you know this has affected you, it's affected them. This 24 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:42,440 Speaker 1: episode is for you and them. If you're someone who 25 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 1: is scared of breaking up because of what might come, 26 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: this episode is for you. And if you're someone who 27 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 1: just got broken up with and you're trying to figure 28 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:59,160 Speaker 1: out what healing looks like, whether it's possible, what are 29 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:02,480 Speaker 1: the things that are about to come your way, this 30 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,120 Speaker 1: episode is for you. I really want you to use 31 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 1: this episode as a map, as a guideline to create 32 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:16,320 Speaker 1: your own reinvention, to create your own rejuvenation, and to 33 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:21,639 Speaker 1: create your own comeback. I really believe that this episode 34 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 1: will give you ideas, insights, ways in which you can 35 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:31,919 Speaker 1: apply to see how to use this as a transformative experience. 36 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:37,720 Speaker 1: These moments in our lives come at us hard and fast. 37 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: They hit us really hard, and they affect all areas 38 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,800 Speaker 1: of our life. And often when we're going through a breakup, 39 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:49,160 Speaker 1: we really feel like there will be no better day. 40 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: There is no light at the end of the tunnel. 41 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,240 Speaker 1: We can often experience this, but this episode is here 42 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,239 Speaker 1: to remind you not only will you write, but you 43 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: all rise stronger, better, and more resilient. I also want 44 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,800 Speaker 1: to make this episode extremely practical and tactical for you, 45 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:12,239 Speaker 1: So write down notes, whether you're using your phone or 46 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,000 Speaker 1: whether you're writing down in your journal, and make sure 47 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,240 Speaker 1: you come back to this one as well. So the 48 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 1: first thing I want to set you is this idea 49 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:29,080 Speaker 1: called a thirty day no contact reinvention Challenge. Instead of 50 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 1: just avoiding contact, I want you to actively reinvent yourself 51 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 1: each day. The reason why breakups hurt so much is 52 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:44,240 Speaker 1: because we feel parts of ourself are lost, broken, or 53 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 1: gone forever. And when we've realized that, actually we're not 54 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 1: trying to hold on to what was there. We're trying 55 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: to rebuild from what's left. We're looking at what has 56 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,040 Speaker 1: been left behind and what we can do with that 57 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: at not what we once had. So I'm gonna break 58 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 1: this down into five day experiences because often what we 59 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 1: think about is we hear things like time will heal 60 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:17,440 Speaker 1: all wounds. That's not untrue. I actually think that is true. 61 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:21,240 Speaker 1: But here's the thing. We need to make it smaller. 62 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:24,039 Speaker 1: We need to make it more measurable. We need to 63 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 1: make it more actionable. Does time mean six months, twelve months, 64 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,000 Speaker 1: three months? So I'm gonna give you a thirty day 65 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 1: no contact reinvention challenge. Day one to five potentially the 66 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:45,039 Speaker 1: most difficult, hardest, painful days. You just broke up with them, 67 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,600 Speaker 1: They just broke up with you. This is the time 68 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 1: that you're most likely to run back to them, or 69 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,560 Speaker 1: they're most likely to try and get you back, or 70 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,039 Speaker 1: they're most likely to ignore you and you really want 71 00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:01,680 Speaker 1: them back. Day one to five will be the hardest 72 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:10,280 Speaker 1: days you experience. Here's what you do. Delete messages, remove reminders, 73 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:18,720 Speaker 1: block social media, create a breakup free digital space. It's 74 00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:24,280 Speaker 1: so needed, it's so so needed, And a big part 75 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 1: of this is something I call the anti ritual disruption. 76 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,719 Speaker 1: You had a ritual with this person that started to 77 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 1: feel like your life. You always texted them good night, 78 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:41,200 Speaker 1: you always got a good morning message from them, You 79 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 1: always went out to coffee together on Saturday Sundays for brunch. 80 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:53,760 Speaker 1: Break those patterns, purge, delete the messages, remove the reminders, 81 00:05:54,279 --> 00:05:59,160 Speaker 1: block mute, break up free digital space, and break the 82 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:03,600 Speaker 1: patterns of those rituals. If you always texted them goodnight. 83 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 1: Text someone else good night. A friend, a family member, 84 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:13,240 Speaker 1: someone who's always been there for you, someone who's always around, 85 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:17,039 Speaker 1: someone that you may not even remember that often send 86 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,080 Speaker 1: them a good night message. Used to go with them 87 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,640 Speaker 1: every Saturday to get a coffee, every Sunday to get brunch. 88 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:28,760 Speaker 1: Change your coffee shop, change your brunt spot. I don't really, 89 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,080 Speaker 1: it doesn't matter how much you love that place or 90 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:35,560 Speaker 1: how amazing it was, change the memory, break the pattern, 91 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,280 Speaker 1: take yourself out for coffee, go out with someone else 92 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:43,120 Speaker 1: for brunch, switch the pattern up. One of the biggest 93 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:46,560 Speaker 1: mistakes we make is we stay in the same pattern 94 00:06:47,279 --> 00:06:51,160 Speaker 1: wanting to get rid of something. It is pretty impossible 95 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:56,080 Speaker 1: to remove an emotional feeling from a physical place. If 96 00:06:56,120 --> 00:07:01,200 Speaker 1: that physical place mattered to you. Both break the patterns 97 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:05,640 Speaker 1: your brain links routines to them. If you change your routine, 98 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: you will change the attachment. Too. Many of us don't 99 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 1: change our pattern, don't change our routine, and expect to 100 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 1: change the attachment. Now. It is true, we kind of 101 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,960 Speaker 1: want to feel close to it. There's a part of 102 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:24,400 Speaker 1: us that secretly even enjoys the fact that that place 103 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 1: mattered to us. We still go there. We have some feelings. 104 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:31,400 Speaker 1: I get it, but we have to purge. Day one 105 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 1: to five, Day six to ten body reset. Change something physical. 106 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 1: Maybe you're going to change a new hairstyle, a fitness routine, 107 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: a sleep schedule. We're going back to breaking patterns, but 108 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,400 Speaker 1: we're breaking patterns of our own. So the first half 109 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,720 Speaker 1: was breaking patterns from the relationships. Day one to five 110 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 1: used to message them you mess with someone else. Day 111 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 1: six to ten, you're breaking your own patterns. A new 112 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 1: fitness routine, a new sleep schedule, a new hairstyle, whatever 113 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 1: it may be that works for you. The reason why 114 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 1: we want to break things so quickly and organically as well, 115 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:10,800 Speaker 1: of course there has to be things you want to 116 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:15,560 Speaker 1: do is because you're shifting and moving. We're not used 117 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: to change, especially when you're in relationships. When you get 118 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:25,360 Speaker 1: into a long term relationship or an invested relationship, routines 119 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: are at the heart of that rich relationship. Rituals are 120 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,960 Speaker 1: at the heart of that relationship. The quicker you shift 121 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 1: your rituals and routines, the quicker you change your memories 122 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,439 Speaker 1: of that relationship. Too many of us stay in the 123 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 1: same physical state. We don't do a body reset. We 124 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:49,319 Speaker 1: stay in the same place for a long long time. 125 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 1: It's one of the reasons why revenge body, which I'm 126 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: not encouraging. I encourage you to work out for yourself 127 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,440 Speaker 1: and your own health. But a reason why that idea 128 00:08:58,559 --> 00:09:03,440 Speaker 1: makes sense because you're getting active, you're shifting something about yourself, 129 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:08,479 Speaker 1: but ideally do it for yourself. Day eleven to fifteen 130 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:14,680 Speaker 1: is a social reset. Reach out to three old friends 131 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: or make a new connection. By day eleven to fifteen, 132 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 1: you're going to want to text that X. You might 133 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,439 Speaker 1: even have been strong up until now, and now you 134 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:30,679 Speaker 1: can't bear it. It's not harder than the first five days. 135 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:36,560 Speaker 1: It's harder than it felt in those first five days 136 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,520 Speaker 1: to not message them. You get pulled back into that 137 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: old habit. So I'm going to give you what I 138 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:48,400 Speaker 1: call the five text rule for breaking the urge to 139 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:54,360 Speaker 1: reach out. This is called the five text rule. Before 140 00:09:54,400 --> 00:10:00,239 Speaker 1: you text your X, send five texts, one to a friend, 141 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 1: one to someone you admire, one to a family member, 142 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 1: one to yourself. Yep, literally text yourself and five one 143 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 1: to a new connection. By the end of that the 144 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:19,000 Speaker 1: urge usually passes because you've created five conversations. Now you 145 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 1: may message your friend and your friend's not available. So 146 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: usually you'd message your friend and then you'd go message 147 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,040 Speaker 1: your ex, especially if you ask your friend, hey, should 148 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,280 Speaker 1: I message my ex? Don't make the conversation about your ex. 149 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 1: Make it about something else. Message your friend and ask 150 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,679 Speaker 1: them what they're doing later. What are they doing this weekend? 151 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,959 Speaker 1: How's their day going? Ask them questions about them. Shift 152 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:44,920 Speaker 1: the energy from your problems to helping them. Too many 153 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,000 Speaker 1: of us will reach out to everyone in our life 154 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 1: and only talk about our problems. Hey, I really need 155 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:51,760 Speaker 1: to talk to you. I'm really struggling with this. Hey 156 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,360 Speaker 1: I just need to talk about my ex. Hey I 157 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 1: think I should take them back? Hey, I really want 158 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: to message them? What should I do? You use the 159 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 1: people that are trying to help you to solve the 160 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,480 Speaker 1: situation about the person who hurt you. Make it about 161 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,840 Speaker 1: that person, help them, support them, be there for them, 162 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,720 Speaker 1: ask them how their day is going. You will get 163 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:16,320 Speaker 1: out of your own head. So send a message to 164 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,120 Speaker 1: a friend and don't make it, hey should I text 165 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:23,800 Speaker 1: my ex? Second, someone you admire, maybe a professor, or 166 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 1: it may be a DM to someone online. Whatever it 167 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 1: may be, just someone you look up to, and again, 168 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:34,040 Speaker 1: make it separate from the conversation one to a family member. 169 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,040 Speaker 1: I promise you there's a family member in your life 170 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:40,040 Speaker 1: who loves you, who supports you, who's there for you, 171 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:44,200 Speaker 1: and you forgot about them during that relationship. You ignored them, 172 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,880 Speaker 1: you disconnected for them, and you don't need to do that. 173 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: Send a message to that person. Number four, Send a 174 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:56,600 Speaker 1: message to yourself. It's a great place to store your thoughts. 175 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: Often we try and solve our thoughts in our head. 176 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,320 Speaker 1: Pretty difficult to do that. It's almost like, when you 177 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,280 Speaker 1: think about it, there's a courtroom and then there's a 178 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,679 Speaker 1: jewelry room right in the courtroom. The jewelry room listens, 179 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,400 Speaker 1: but they go to the jewey room to make a decision. 180 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:20,040 Speaker 1: You need to have a conversation with yourself in text 181 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 1: form in the jury room. Your mind's like the courtroom 182 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: where you think you have to make the big decisions, 183 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,720 Speaker 1: where you think you have to solve everything. But that's 184 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 1: not true. You need to be able to go to 185 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,040 Speaker 1: a jewelry room to discuss it, to think about it, 186 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,480 Speaker 1: to reflect, and the courtroom is just the place you 187 00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 1: announce the decision. Notice that distinction is huge, right, Often 188 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,200 Speaker 1: we're just having conversations in our head. Should I stay 189 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,680 Speaker 1: with them, should I text them? Should I take them back? 190 00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:49,959 Speaker 1: What should I do? And you're almost trying to make 191 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:55,160 Speaker 1: this big decision in the courtroom. Text yourself, build a 192 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,720 Speaker 1: log of how you feel different at different times, how 193 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 1: do you really feel about that person? And I'll come 194 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,200 Speaker 1: back to that point, But what do you really think? 195 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: What do you really believe? The courtroom? Your mind is 196 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:13,000 Speaker 1: a place to listen, is a place to absorb. It's there, 197 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,360 Speaker 1: But the decision is made in the jewelry room and 198 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,679 Speaker 1: announced in the courtroom. When you've taken out that personal 199 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,880 Speaker 1: time to reflect, to introspect, to think, you can come 200 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,760 Speaker 1: back to your mind, and whenever your mind says let's 201 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,720 Speaker 1: text them, you go, no, we thought about this. I'm 202 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:32,240 Speaker 1: going to text five people first. The five text rule 203 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,959 Speaker 1: for breaking the urge to reach out is a game changer. 204 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 1: One to a friend, one to someone you admire, one 205 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 1: to a family friend, one to yourself, and fifth to 206 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,120 Speaker 1: a new connection. Could be someone you're networking with, a 207 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,760 Speaker 1: community member, obviously if it's brand new, ideally not someone 208 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,360 Speaker 1: you're dating, But if you're further down the line, it 209 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,880 Speaker 1: could be that and all of a sudden, you've started 210 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:01,199 Speaker 1: five conversations, and here's what you learn through this. You 211 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,040 Speaker 1: start to learn that there is more connection out there 212 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 1: than you actually believe. There is more love out there 213 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:11,160 Speaker 1: than you actually believe. There is more support out there 214 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,960 Speaker 1: than you actually believe. Let me say that again. You 215 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,680 Speaker 1: have to remember that there is more love in your 216 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,920 Speaker 1: life than you believe. You have more support in your 217 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 1: life than you believe, and you have more people rooting 218 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:31,080 Speaker 1: for you than you believe. The problem is, you've learned 219 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 1: to believe that there's only one person who can love 220 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:40,240 Speaker 1: you perfectly. You've learned to believe that there's only one 221 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:45,080 Speaker 1: person who knows what you need. You have trained yourself 222 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,240 Speaker 1: to believe that there's only one person who can satisfy you. 223 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:53,160 Speaker 1: And when you text five people, you start recognizing that's 224 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,600 Speaker 1: just not true. There are so many people who understand you, 225 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 1: there are so many people who care about you, there 226 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 1: are so many people who value you, and you have 227 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 1: to experience it. You can't just remind yourself, you can't 228 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,600 Speaker 1: just talk yourself through it. You actually have to practice it. 229 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,600 Speaker 1: And when you get messages back from your friend, someone 230 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,680 Speaker 1: you admire, a family member, yourself, you're not going to 231 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,720 Speaker 1: get a text back from but you now have that 232 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:23,400 Speaker 1: jewelry room courtroom breakdown, and finally a person, maybe that 233 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,720 Speaker 1: you're networking with, a community member, someone you're dating, all 234 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,680 Speaker 1: of a sudden, you realize you always had that value. 235 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 1: We have to unlearn this idea that there's only one 236 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,840 Speaker 1: person who knows how to love you, that there's only 237 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:43,280 Speaker 1: one person who knows how to help you. 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Notice how we went 261 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:18,920 Speaker 1: body people mind, right, So we started with the purge, 262 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,280 Speaker 1: so we kind of blocked out everything we didn't want in. 263 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,400 Speaker 1: But then we started with the body because it's great 264 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,600 Speaker 1: to feel shift in the body. Then we went the 265 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,399 Speaker 1: people around us, and now we do the mind. So 266 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,560 Speaker 1: what we often do with the mind is we just 267 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:36,639 Speaker 1: listen to love songs, we watch our favorite romantic movies 268 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,639 Speaker 1: and guess what, You sit there and you cry and 269 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:41,160 Speaker 1: you e ice screaming, by the way, and there's nothing 270 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,720 Speaker 1: wrong with any of that. That's okay if you want 271 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,760 Speaker 1: to do that. But when you're ready, this is the 272 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,600 Speaker 1: thirty days that's going to change it for you. The 273 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:52,080 Speaker 1: no love songs, no sad movies, detox, cut out all 274 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,439 Speaker 1: breakup music and movies for thirty days when you're ready 275 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,399 Speaker 1: to really get over this breakup. Right. This thirty days 276 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: may come three months after you break up for some 277 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,320 Speaker 1: of you, who may come immediately after your breakup. For 278 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:05,760 Speaker 1: some people, it may come six years after you break up. 279 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,040 Speaker 1: But these thirty days have to happen at some point. 280 00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:14,560 Speaker 1: Replace them with uplifting, neutral, or empowering content. Start a 281 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:18,520 Speaker 1: new book, Listen to a new podcast. Maybe you're listening 282 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,760 Speaker 1: to this one right now for that reason. Start a 283 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:25,760 Speaker 1: new course, a masterclass. Flood your brain with new ideas. 284 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,879 Speaker 1: It's time to change your mind. Now. Why did we 285 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,679 Speaker 1: go body people mind? Because if you try and do 286 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,280 Speaker 1: this one first, it's really hard. When you've already shifted 287 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,720 Speaker 1: your body, you're feeling a new state. Right. We all 288 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: know the feeling when we change something physical because we 289 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:45,240 Speaker 1: live in our physical selves. It changes everything for us. 290 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 1: Right when you change your hairstyle, you almost are surprised 291 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,760 Speaker 1: every time you look in the mirror. When you change 292 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 1: your workout routine, you're more surprised about the energy you feel. 293 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:57,200 Speaker 1: When you change your environment, like the color of a room, 294 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:01,640 Speaker 1: you feel different. So we want to change physical states first, 295 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,240 Speaker 1: then the people around us, then our mind. A lot 296 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,479 Speaker 1: of us try and do the mind shift first and 297 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:14,560 Speaker 1: it doesn't work right, It doesn't work, And this works wonders. 298 00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:19,360 Speaker 1: This mind shift fuels you with so many different ideas 299 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,480 Speaker 1: and a good thing you can add to this is 300 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:26,959 Speaker 1: something I call the reverse bucket list. Instead of listing 301 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 1: things you want to do, list things you never want 302 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:35,200 Speaker 1: to do or repeat in a relationship. Right we're used 303 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,719 Speaker 1: to writing down all the things we want to do 304 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,320 Speaker 1: before we die. List all the things you never want 305 00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:43,240 Speaker 1: to do again in a relationship, and use this as 306 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:46,840 Speaker 1: a guide when you start dating again, so you don't 307 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:50,439 Speaker 1: just heal, but you upgrade. I think this is one 308 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes we make. People are just trying 309 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,280 Speaker 1: to get over their X. We're just trying to move on, 310 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,960 Speaker 1: but we're not upgrading. And I think when you choose 311 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,480 Speaker 1: to say, hey, this is what I'm I'm never gonna 312 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,040 Speaker 1: do again. I'm never gonna fall fast. I'm never just 313 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:07,639 Speaker 1: gonna give up my trust. I'm never just gonna hand them. 314 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,159 Speaker 1: You know, whatever it is that you made mistakes on 315 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,960 Speaker 1: and again, you don't want these things to be extreme. 316 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 1: You want them to be real, and you may edit them, 317 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,760 Speaker 1: you may review them, and you may change them over time. 318 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 1: But it's great to start with a reverse bucket list. 319 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,919 Speaker 1: I want to go back to that idea about a 320 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:30,439 Speaker 1: new identity for a second. It's so important that if 321 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:34,600 Speaker 1: your Sunday routine used to involve snuggling up to a movie, 322 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,680 Speaker 1: make Sundays your workout and meal prep day. The goal 323 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,679 Speaker 1: is all about erasing patterns and building new ones. That 324 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,800 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you'll never go back to that park. It 325 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,959 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you'll never go back to that restaurant that 326 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 1: you loved. Right, that's not the point I'm making. The 327 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,000 Speaker 1: point I'm making is that we need to shift pattern. 328 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:56,120 Speaker 1: We need to edit pattern as quickly as possible. Right, 329 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,360 Speaker 1: we have to do that. Another thing that usually happens 330 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,760 Speaker 1: by this day is there are things you want to 331 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:06,000 Speaker 1: say to that person. Right by this point, you've reflected, 332 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,960 Speaker 1: you've thought about it, and now you're like, wait a minute, 333 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,960 Speaker 1: there's stuff I want to say to that person that 334 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:14,439 Speaker 1: I never got to say. And sometimes it's an excuse 335 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 1: to just get back in touch, feel a bit of 336 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,800 Speaker 1: you know, interest again. A lot of the time, it's 337 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,480 Speaker 1: just a painful point that you never got closure from them. 338 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,399 Speaker 1: So what you want to do in this regard is 339 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,280 Speaker 1: create a private note or text thread where you vent 340 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 1: instead of texting them, So you're not texting yourself. You're 341 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,480 Speaker 1: now texting them, but it's not going to them. You're 342 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,639 Speaker 1: not pressing send. Every time you feel an emotional wave, 343 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,360 Speaker 1: type out what you'd say to them, but don't send it, 344 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,200 Speaker 1: and you can read it back later. See how fast 345 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,600 Speaker 1: your emotion shift. And this helps you break the illusion 346 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:54,360 Speaker 1: that they are the solution to your feelings. You believe 347 00:21:55,000 --> 00:22:00,200 Speaker 1: that they're the ones to give you closure. This process, 348 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 1: you realize that you're the only person who can give 349 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:08,720 Speaker 1: you closure. What this evolves into is something I call 350 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:13,480 Speaker 1: the reverse closure letter that you never send. Write a 351 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:17,800 Speaker 1: letter from your future healed self to your present self. 352 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,879 Speaker 1: It could sound like this, I know this hurts now, 353 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,040 Speaker 1: but trust me, it will all make sense. You'll be 354 00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:29,200 Speaker 1: grateful for this in the future, this will turn out 355 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,879 Speaker 1: to be the best thing that ever happened to you, 356 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,359 Speaker 1: and you can read this every time you doubt yourself. 357 00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:37,240 Speaker 1: I hope that this is helping. I hope it's resonating. 358 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:40,040 Speaker 1: I hope it's connecting. I want you to find one 359 00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:43,600 Speaker 1: or two things in here that really move the needle 360 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 1: for you, that really help you. And a few quick 361 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,520 Speaker 1: ways to think about it is the opposite day technique. 362 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,360 Speaker 1: If you feel like isolating, make yourself go out. If 363 00:22:56,359 --> 00:23:00,159 Speaker 1: you feel like crying in bed, make yourself journal. The 364 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,240 Speaker 1: goal is to retrain your nervous system so that you're 365 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:07,720 Speaker 1: not just sinking into emotional autopilot. The opposite day technique 366 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,359 Speaker 1: is one of my favorite ways because it shifts you 367 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 1: out of your thing. And that's really what we're talking 368 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,280 Speaker 1: about here. What we're talking about with all of this 369 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,720 Speaker 1: is how can you quickly shift yourself, not to make 370 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:23,080 Speaker 1: things better, not to negate your feelings, not to neglect 371 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,959 Speaker 1: how you feel, but to put yourself in a position 372 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,400 Speaker 1: of strength of being able to actually deal with this 373 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:33,600 Speaker 1: in a healthy way. Day twenty one to day twenty five, 374 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:40,840 Speaker 1: Adventure mode. Do something you've never done before. Right, It's 375 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:45,480 Speaker 1: fun it's exciting. Set up a solo date night, set 376 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,520 Speaker 1: up an activity night, whatever you want to do with 377 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: some friends, find people that you want to do interesting 378 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,159 Speaker 1: things with that you've never done before. All of a sudden, 379 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:58,200 Speaker 1: you realize your life is filled with more adventure than 380 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 1: you ever thought. Twenty six to day thirty is reflection. 381 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:10,200 Speaker 1: In the reflection phase, I want you to set a 382 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:16,399 Speaker 1: ninety day reminder. Mark a date ninety days from today 383 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:20,800 Speaker 1: on your calendar, right down where you want to be emotionally. 384 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,919 Speaker 1: One you skill, hobby, or milestone you will have accomplished 385 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:30,399 Speaker 1: or work towards. And then in ninety days you have 386 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,960 Speaker 1: something to look at, something to look at how far 387 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,800 Speaker 1: you've come, something to look at how far you've broken 388 00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:39,240 Speaker 1: And remember when you thought you'd never get over this, 389 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,800 Speaker 1: Look at you now now. Healing isn't linear. You'll have 390 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,400 Speaker 1: moments where you go back and forth, but it will 391 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,199 Speaker 1: blow your mind how far you've come. You have to 392 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:51,919 Speaker 1: set a future date from which you can look back 393 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,800 Speaker 1: at where you are now. One of my favorite reflections 394 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:59,359 Speaker 1: that have encouraged clients to do in this regard is 395 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:04,159 Speaker 1: point when you're ready to call. What I call is 396 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:08,440 Speaker 1: visualizing them as a stranger. Imagine running into them ten 397 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:11,440 Speaker 1: years from now at a coffee shop. Picture them as 398 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: just some person, no emotional charge, no judgment, just neutral. 399 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,880 Speaker 1: It tricks your brain into fast forwarding the healing process 400 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:23,280 Speaker 1: and reducing emotional intensity. Now you can't rush to that, 401 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:27,040 Speaker 1: but it's a really great way of realizing that one day, 402 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,320 Speaker 1: right now, there's all these emotions, there's all this pain, 403 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,560 Speaker 1: there's all this stress, which you're allowed to feel. One 404 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,280 Speaker 1: day you won't feel it, not in the same intensity 405 00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:40,680 Speaker 1: at least. And another thing that's really helped me is 406 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:45,720 Speaker 1: what I call removing the storyline. Take a brutally honest 407 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:51,080 Speaker 1: inventory of the relationship's worst moments. Look at the facts. 408 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,480 Speaker 1: Did they make you feel insecure? Did you have to 409 00:25:54,480 --> 00:26:00,320 Speaker 1: shrink yourself and reframe it? You didn't lose them, You 410 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:08,280 Speaker 1: freed yourself, right, You didn't lose them, You actually became free. 411 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:12,000 Speaker 1: And I think to so many of us, that's what 412 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 1: we're trying to recognize, is that in some way, somewhere 413 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:21,000 Speaker 1: deep down, we know you know that this is actually 414 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,400 Speaker 1: going to be good for you. It's just that we're 415 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:28,640 Speaker 1: holding so strongly onto the idea. And then if all 416 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:34,240 Speaker 1: of that doesn't work. Here's my favorite. Change their contact 417 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:37,640 Speaker 1: name or delete it. But if you don't change it, 418 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,760 Speaker 1: save their name as do not text or call. That 419 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:45,200 Speaker 1: simple reminder will block you when you're about to do something. 420 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:51,119 Speaker 1: Remove the shared Google photo access, mute and block on Spotify, 421 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,119 Speaker 1: Venmo anywhere that it may come up. Because all it 422 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,480 Speaker 1: is is a trigger. Instagram TikTok. All it is is 423 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:01,440 Speaker 1: a trigger, and you don't have to be strong enough 424 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,160 Speaker 1: to not be triggered. I think a lot of us think, well, 425 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,720 Speaker 1: I'm not weak. I can still see them and not 426 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:08,120 Speaker 1: be affected. We are that weak. All of us are 427 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:12,400 Speaker 1: sent back right down nostalgia lane, memory lane, and that's 428 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,320 Speaker 1: where we go. Give it a moment. I really hope 429 00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:20,760 Speaker 1: this helps. I really hope this supports you. Let me 430 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,119 Speaker 1: know who you shared this with. I really believe that 431 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:28,600 Speaker 1: these techniques will help you throw a breakup. Thank you 432 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,199 Speaker 1: for trusting me with your time. Remember I'm always in 433 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:35,040 Speaker 1: your corner and forever routing for you. Thanks for listening, 434 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:38,280 Speaker 1: and I really really can't wait for you to listen 435 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:41,960 Speaker 1: to another episode. Hey everyone, if you love that conversation, 436 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:45,800 Speaker 1: go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, 437 00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:50,159 Speaker 1: Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people 438 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:54,640 Speaker 1: ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, 439 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,520 Speaker 1: and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space 440 00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,960 Speaker 1: right now, you won't want to miss this comsation. If 441 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:05,720 Speaker 1: it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. 442 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,359 Speaker 1: It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as 443 00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:11,560 Speaker 1: you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.