Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,
Speaker 1: This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's
Speaker 1: tip is that appreciation helps even when you can't. In
Speaker 1: situations where work is unequally shared, Acknowledging that and expressing
Speaker 1: sincere thanks can make everyone happier. Long term, it might
Speaker 1: be better to work out a different distribution of labor,
Speaker 1: but more immediately, appreciation helps even if someone isn't helping
Speaker 1: as much as others. So there has been a lot
Speaker 1: written and discussed about the division of household labor. There
Speaker 1: are the obvious chores like cooking or cleaning, and many
Speaker 1: people do try to share those, But then there is
Speaker 1: also the mental effort involved in knowing what's coming up,
Speaker 1: seeing what needs to be done, managing a schedule, in
Speaker 1: social relationships, and so forth. For instance, if a couple
Speaker 1: has two kids and each is invited to a birthday
Speaker 1: party on Saturday, each parent may take one kid. It
Speaker 1: looks like they are evenly splitting this work, but maybe
Speaker 1: only one parent received the invitations, knew that these children
Speaker 1: were good friends of their kids, reworked the Saturday schedule
Speaker 1: so both parties could be attended, talked with each of
Speaker 1: the kids about what the birthday children would like, and
Speaker 1: bought the presents, figured out wrapping in cards, filled out
Speaker 1: the waivers for the bouncy house places, made sure the
Speaker 1: other parent knew where to go and when, and took
Speaker 1: the present, and so forth. There was the obvious work,
Speaker 1: but also a lot of invisible mental work. A recent guest,
Speaker 1: Alison Damager, studied how this mental work is split in
Speaker 1: various sorts of couples. In many couples, as you might guess,
Speaker 1: it is not equal. One could write whole books about
Speaker 1: why that is, and indeed such books have been written.
Speaker 1: But I was struck by something I'd read in Damager's work,
Speaker 1: which is that expressing appreciation is often helpful, even in
Speaker 1: these unequal situations. Acknowledging that work has been done and
Speaker 1: thanking the other person for doing it makes them feel
Speaker 1: happier about it and reduces resentment. I think there is
Speaker 1: a lot of merit to this idea in all sorts
Speaker 1: of situations. Let's say you have been traveling a lot
Speaker 1: for work, and you know your partner has had to
Speaker 1: navigate a tough situation for a kid at school simply
Speaker 1: saying I really appreciate all the time and effort you
Speaker 1: are putting into this. I know it is not easy,
Speaker 1: and I see it, and I see that you are
Speaker 1: doing most of it, and I think you are doing
Speaker 1: a great job. Can be really helpful. Or one could
Speaker 1: imagine a scenario at work too. Maybe a colleague has
Speaker 1: really been putting in some effort to keep everyone on
Speaker 1: your team happy, even though she is not actually the manager.
Speaker 1: She made sure there were birthday cakes and quietly stepped
Speaker 1: in to take on someone's extra work when she knew
Speaker 1: he had something big with his family in the evening.
Speaker 1: Even if you are not in a position to take
Speaker 1: on a similar share of the mental effort of team building,
Speaker 1: you could say a sincere thank you. I see what
Speaker 1: you are doing. I think you're doing an amazing job.
Speaker 1: I want you to know that I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: This acknowledgment and appreciation is free. It is easy to do,
Speaker 1: certainly easier than actually learning the whole family schedule, for instance.
Speaker 1: So why don't people do it? I imagine sometimes it's that
Speaker 1: invisible labor is really invisible. People take it for granted,
Speaker 1: or maybe they think it is the way of the world.
Speaker 1: Perhaps some people believe that they deserve to have other
Speaker 1: people carrying a bigger share of mental load around them.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I think that mindset is worth rethinking.
Speaker 1: Carrying a bigger share of the mental load is often
Speaker 1: a big gift someone is giving someone else. Acknowledging this
Speaker 1: is simply fair and good for any relationship. And if
Speaker 1: you are the one carrying a bigger share of the
Speaker 1: mental load, you might actually ask for appreciation. And I
Speaker 1: know that this can feel wrong, like shouldn't people see it?
Speaker 1: But if they don't and you want the benefits of appreciation,
Speaker 1: you might try speaking up, as in, I just want
Speaker 1: to point out that I manage the whole schedule while
Speaker 1: you are traveling for work. You didn't even and know
Speaker 1: that our babysitter had asked for the day off on Thursday.
Speaker 1: I dealt with all of that. I would appreciate if
Speaker 1: you would acknowledge that and thank me for it. Now
Speaker 1: that may or may not happen, but at least the
Speaker 1: other person now knows that there is a path to
Speaker 1: reduced resentment if he or she is willing to take it.
Speaker 1: In the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and
Speaker 1: here's to making the most of our time. Thanks for
Speaker 1: listening to Before Breakfast. If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback,
Speaker 1: you can reach me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com.
Speaker 1: Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts
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