WEBVTT - Appreciation helps, even when you can't

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,

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<v Speaker 1>This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's

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<v Speaker 1>tip is that appreciation helps even when you can't. In

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<v Speaker 1>situations where work is unequally shared, Acknowledging that and expressing

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<v Speaker 1>sincere thanks can make everyone happier. Long term, it might

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<v Speaker 1>be better to work out a different distribution of labor,

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<v Speaker 1>but more immediately, appreciation helps even if someone isn't helping

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<v Speaker 1>as much as others. So there has been a lot

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<v Speaker 1>written and discussed about the division of household labor. There

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<v Speaker 1>are the obvious chores like cooking or cleaning, and many

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<v Speaker 1>people do try to share those, But then there is

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<v Speaker 1>also the mental effort involved in knowing what's coming up,

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<v Speaker 1>seeing what needs to be done, managing a schedule, in

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<v Speaker 1>social relationships, and so forth. For instance, if a couple

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<v Speaker 1>has two kids and each is invited to a birthday

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<v Speaker 1>party on Saturday, each parent may take one kid. It

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<v Speaker 1>looks like they are evenly splitting this work, but maybe

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<v Speaker 1>only one parent received the invitations, knew that these children

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<v Speaker 1>were good friends of their kids, reworked the Saturday schedule

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<v Speaker 1>so both parties could be attended, talked with each of

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<v Speaker 1>the kids about what the birthday children would like, and

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<v Speaker 1>bought the presents, figured out wrapping in cards, filled out

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<v Speaker 1>the waivers for the bouncy house places, made sure the

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<v Speaker 1>other parent knew where to go and when, and took

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<v Speaker 1>the present, and so forth. There was the obvious work,

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<v Speaker 1>but also a lot of invisible mental work. A recent guest,

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<v Speaker 1>Alison Damager, studied how this mental work is split in

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<v Speaker 1>various sorts of couples. In many couples, as you might guess,

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<v Speaker 1>it is not equal. One could write whole books about

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<v Speaker 1>why that is, and indeed such books have been written.

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<v Speaker 1>But I was struck by something I'd read in Damager's work,

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<v Speaker 1>which is that expressing appreciation is often helpful, even in

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<v Speaker 1>these unequal situations. Acknowledging that work has been done and

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<v Speaker 1>thanking the other person for doing it makes them feel

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<v Speaker 1>happier about it and reduces resentment. I think there is

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of merit to this idea in all sorts

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<v Speaker 1>of situations. Let's say you have been traveling a lot

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<v Speaker 1>for work, and you know your partner has had to

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<v Speaker 1>navigate a tough situation for a kid at school simply

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<v Speaker 1>saying I really appreciate all the time and effort you

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<v Speaker 1>are putting into this. I know it is not easy,

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<v Speaker 1>and I see it, and I see that you are

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<v Speaker 1>doing most of it, and I think you are doing

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<v Speaker 1>a great job. Can be really helpful. Or one could

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<v Speaker 1>imagine a scenario at work too. Maybe a colleague has

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<v Speaker 1>really been putting in some effort to keep everyone on

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<v Speaker 1>your team happy, even though she is not actually the manager.

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<v Speaker 1>She made sure there were birthday cakes and quietly stepped

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<v Speaker 1>in to take on someone's extra work when she knew

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<v Speaker 1>he had something big with his family in the evening.

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<v Speaker 1>Even if you are not in a position to take

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<v Speaker 1>on a similar share of the mental effort of team building,

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<v Speaker 1>you could say a sincere thank you. I see what

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<v Speaker 1>you are doing. I think you're doing an amazing job.

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<v Speaker 1>I want you to know that I really appreciate it.

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<v Speaker 1>This acknowledgment and appreciation is free. It is easy to do,

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<v Speaker 1>certainly easier than actually learning the whole family schedule, for instance.

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<v Speaker 1>So why don't people do it? I imagine sometimes it's that

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<v Speaker 1>invisible labor is really invisible. People take it for granted,

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<v Speaker 1>or maybe they think it is the way of the world.

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<v Speaker 1>Perhaps some people believe that they deserve to have other

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<v Speaker 1>people carrying a bigger share of mental load around them.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know, but I think that mindset is worth rethinking.

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<v Speaker 1>Carrying a bigger share of the mental load is often

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<v Speaker 1>a big gift someone is giving someone else. Acknowledging this

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<v Speaker 1>is simply fair and good for any relationship. And if

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<v Speaker 1>you are the one carrying a bigger share of the

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<v Speaker 1>mental load, you might actually ask for appreciation. And I

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<v Speaker 1>know that this can feel wrong, like shouldn't people see it?

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<v Speaker 1>But if they don't and you want the benefits of appreciation,

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<v Speaker 1>you might try speaking up, as in, I just want

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<v Speaker 1>to point out that I manage the whole schedule while

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<v Speaker 1>you are traveling for work. You didn't even and know

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<v Speaker 1>that our babysitter had asked for the day off on Thursday.

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<v Speaker 1>I dealt with all of that. I would appreciate if

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<v Speaker 1>you would acknowledge that and thank me for it. Now

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<v Speaker 1>that may or may not happen, but at least the

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<v Speaker 1>other person now knows that there is a path to

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<v Speaker 1>reduced resentment if he or she is willing to take it.

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<v Speaker 1>In the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and

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<v Speaker 1>here's to making the most of our time. Thanks for

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<v Speaker 1>listening to Before Breakfast. If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback,

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<v Speaker 1>you can reach me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com.

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<v Speaker 1>Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts

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