1 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:09,360 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning, 2 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:16,360 Speaker 1: This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's 3 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:23,079 Speaker 1: tip is that appreciation helps even when you can't. In 4 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:28,920 Speaker 1: situations where work is unequally shared, Acknowledging that and expressing 5 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:34,600 Speaker 1: sincere thanks can make everyone happier. Long term, it might 6 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,200 Speaker 1: be better to work out a different distribution of labor, 7 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:43,200 Speaker 1: but more immediately, appreciation helps even if someone isn't helping 8 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 1: as much as others. So there has been a lot 9 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:51,839 Speaker 1: written and discussed about the division of household labor. There 10 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 1: are the obvious chores like cooking or cleaning, and many 11 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,960 Speaker 1: people do try to share those, But then there is 12 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,000 Speaker 1: also the mental effort involved in knowing what's coming up, 13 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,720 Speaker 1: seeing what needs to be done, managing a schedule, in 14 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:09,479 Speaker 1: social relationships, and so forth. For instance, if a couple 15 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,040 Speaker 1: has two kids and each is invited to a birthday 16 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:18,000 Speaker 1: party on Saturday, each parent may take one kid. It 17 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,920 Speaker 1: looks like they are evenly splitting this work, but maybe 18 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:26,280 Speaker 1: only one parent received the invitations, knew that these children 19 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:29,960 Speaker 1: were good friends of their kids, reworked the Saturday schedule 20 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 1: so both parties could be attended, talked with each of 21 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:35,360 Speaker 1: the kids about what the birthday children would like, and 22 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:39,720 Speaker 1: bought the presents, figured out wrapping in cards, filled out 23 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,959 Speaker 1: the waivers for the bouncy house places, made sure the 24 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:46,120 Speaker 1: other parent knew where to go and when, and took 25 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 1: the present, and so forth. There was the obvious work, 26 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:57,360 Speaker 1: but also a lot of invisible mental work. A recent guest, 27 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,880 Speaker 1: Alison Damager, studied how this mental work is split in 28 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 1: various sorts of couples. In many couples, as you might guess, 29 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:07,560 Speaker 1: it is not equal. One could write whole books about 30 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:11,040 Speaker 1: why that is, and indeed such books have been written. 31 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,519 Speaker 1: But I was struck by something I'd read in Damager's work, 32 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:19,760 Speaker 1: which is that expressing appreciation is often helpful, even in 33 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:25,560 Speaker 1: these unequal situations. Acknowledging that work has been done and 34 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:29,079 Speaker 1: thanking the other person for doing it makes them feel 35 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:34,920 Speaker 1: happier about it and reduces resentment. I think there is 36 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,600 Speaker 1: a lot of merit to this idea in all sorts 37 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:41,440 Speaker 1: of situations. Let's say you have been traveling a lot 38 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,200 Speaker 1: for work, and you know your partner has had to 39 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:48,080 Speaker 1: navigate a tough situation for a kid at school simply 40 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: saying I really appreciate all the time and effort you 41 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: are putting into this. I know it is not easy, 42 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,760 Speaker 1: and I see it, and I see that you are 43 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,120 Speaker 1: doing most of it, and I think you are doing 44 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:03,880 Speaker 1: a great job. Can be really helpful. Or one could 45 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: imagine a scenario at work too. Maybe a colleague has 46 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: really been putting in some effort to keep everyone on 47 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 1: your team happy, even though she is not actually the manager. 48 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,720 Speaker 1: She made sure there were birthday cakes and quietly stepped 49 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,520 Speaker 1: in to take on someone's extra work when she knew 50 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: he had something big with his family in the evening. 51 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: Even if you are not in a position to take 52 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,160 Speaker 1: on a similar share of the mental effort of team building, 53 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,120 Speaker 1: you could say a sincere thank you. I see what 54 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,000 Speaker 1: you are doing. I think you're doing an amazing job. 55 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 1: I want you to know that I really appreciate it. 56 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 1: This acknowledgment and appreciation is free. It is easy to do, 57 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:51,600 Speaker 1: certainly easier than actually learning the whole family schedule, for instance. 58 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 1: So why don't people do it? I imagine sometimes it's that 59 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:01,880 Speaker 1: invisible labor is really invisible. People take it for granted, 60 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: or maybe they think it is the way of the world. 61 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: Perhaps some people believe that they deserve to have other 62 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 1: people carrying a bigger share of mental load around them. 63 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:17,440 Speaker 1: I don't know, but I think that mindset is worth rethinking. 64 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: Carrying a bigger share of the mental load is often 65 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 1: a big gift someone is giving someone else. Acknowledging this 66 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 1: is simply fair and good for any relationship. And if 67 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 1: you are the one carrying a bigger share of the 68 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 1: mental load, you might actually ask for appreciation. And I 69 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:44,480 Speaker 1: know that this can feel wrong, like shouldn't people see it? 70 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 1: But if they don't and you want the benefits of appreciation, 71 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:54,279 Speaker 1: you might try speaking up, as in, I just want 72 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:57,159 Speaker 1: to point out that I manage the whole schedule while 73 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,480 Speaker 1: you are traveling for work. You didn't even and know 74 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,480 Speaker 1: that our babysitter had asked for the day off on Thursday. 75 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:08,039 Speaker 1: I dealt with all of that. I would appreciate if 76 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:12,440 Speaker 1: you would acknowledge that and thank me for it. Now 77 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 1: that may or may not happen, but at least the 78 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:17,560 Speaker 1: other person now knows that there is a path to 79 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 1: reduced resentment if he or she is willing to take it. 80 00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:29,560 Speaker 1: In the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and 81 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:39,560 Speaker 1: here's to making the most of our time. Thanks for 82 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:44,359 Speaker 1: listening to Before Breakfast. If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, 83 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:54,000 Speaker 1: you can reach me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. 84 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 1: Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts 85 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:02,839 Speaker 1: from iHeartMedia, please visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 86 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:04,680 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.