WEBVTT - Dear Banya: There Could Be 100 People in a Room

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<v Speaker 1>Scrubbing in with Becka Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio

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<v Speaker 1>and two times People's Choice Award winning podcasts.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello everybody, they are scrubbing in.

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<v Speaker 1>How you doing, doing dandy? How you doing?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm great, just absolutely Like after doing the first podcast,

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like I'm in like the groove, you know

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<v Speaker 2>you do. I get so tired so Hayley doing all this.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, she did so much press for the movie,

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<v Speaker 2>like for two weeks it was like multiple interviews every day.

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<v Speaker 2>But for a while she was just doing podcasts here

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<v Speaker 2>and there starting out the press, and she was like,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know how y'all do multiple podcasts back to back.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm exhausted. It's like, that's right, show biz baby doing

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<v Speaker 2>a little flex nine.

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<v Speaker 3>Years Like get her getting asked the same questions over

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<v Speaker 3>and over. That's the thing it.

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<v Speaker 1>I do feel like that would be like if we

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<v Speaker 1>were having the same conversation over and over again, I

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<v Speaker 1>think we'd be like tired, you're right, you know.

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<v Speaker 2>You're right. We like although I feel like I could

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<v Speaker 2>just go through an answer any questions they have for her,

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<v Speaker 2>I can answer, I know the real top of my head.

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<v Speaker 1>I because I feel like when I did my press

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<v Speaker 1>for my book, it was like, really the only thing

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<v Speaker 1>I can kind of equate it to. And it's true,

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<v Speaker 1>it's like there's this monotony to it, you know, like

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<v Speaker 1>there's like these pillars that everybody asks you about, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's just like how many times can I have the

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<v Speaker 1>same But it's to so many different audiences, so it's

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<v Speaker 1>like you kind of have to say this, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>the same thing, just to spread right. So I do

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<v Speaker 1>think maybe Haley's experience was different than ours.

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<v Speaker 2>It's like the Lady Gaga when she was in uh.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah Born This or What No No?

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<v Speaker 2>With Bradley Cooper Stars A Star Was Born, Star is Born? Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>and there were she said one hundred You can have

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<v Speaker 2>one hundred people in the room and all it takes

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<v Speaker 2>is one to believe in you or whatever, And it's

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<v Speaker 2>like that story is so impactful. But then with TikTok

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<v Speaker 2>and social media gets put into like a you know,

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<v Speaker 2>a whole video, you've heard it once, you've heard it before.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's not giving authentic, that's the problem, I know.

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<v Speaker 2>But it's like how many how many stories can you

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<v Speaker 2>come up with.

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<v Speaker 1>For every different your job? Think about it?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, she could have maybe switched up the wording.

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<v Speaker 1>Especially when it's like such an impactful line, like you

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<v Speaker 1>can't just keep using that. Yes, the age of social media.

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<v Speaker 4>Like someone did a video where it was all it

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<v Speaker 4>was the wow ok trend, but it was her saying

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<v Speaker 4>that line and it was like different ways, so funny.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that is pretty good. It's also scary sometimes it

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<v Speaker 1>is so scary.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you know.

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<v Speaker 1>I think I have to stop ingesting so much. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>because I also take everything for like I take I

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<v Speaker 1>think everybody's like an expert, you know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 1>And Robbie will be like, Babe, these people don't know

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<v Speaker 1>what they're talking about. Why are you listening to them?

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, but they say I need to eat

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<v Speaker 1>this to to for my mitochondria. And He's like, who

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<v Speaker 1>the fuck is that person? Like you need to stop

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<v Speaker 1>and get off the scrolling. And I'm like, I think

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<v Speaker 1>he might be right because you can't control what you see,

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<v Speaker 1>do you know what I mean? Yeah, and my algorithm

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<v Speaker 1>knows what it's doing.

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<v Speaker 2>Hailey said something to me about not oh, not washing

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<v Speaker 2>your dog's bowls or something, Yes, not washing them, like

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<v Speaker 2>being you shouldn't or something.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, something, And I go Okay, sometimes you just gotta

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<v Speaker 4>log off, you know.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>But I'm like, Hailey, like anything I see, I like

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<v Speaker 1>send it right over to Robbie and I'm like, we

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<v Speaker 1>have to do this, this, this, And he's like, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not listening to like user two three.

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<v Speaker 2>Five, And that's that's we need. We need that balance.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, for y'all, speaking of what I forgot.

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<v Speaker 2>But the day we got home from opening day, which

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<v Speaker 2>was Friday, we got home and and I get home

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<v Speaker 2>and I see that Phoebe had had like an diarrhea

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<v Speaker 2>on our carp rug awesome, and I was like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm so sorry, like are you sick? And so I'm

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<v Speaker 2>it is a like I'm using every cleaner I have.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, I'm freaking out, like get rid of the rug.

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<v Speaker 2>So then I go, I'm walking back in the hallway.

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<v Speaker 2>There's more drops of it on the hardwood floor, and

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, Okay, well, at least she tried to make

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<v Speaker 2>it onto just the hardwood floor. She has diarrhea, So

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<v Speaker 2>I'm cleaning that up. Colorox wives like crazy, go back

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<v Speaker 2>into the bedroom, more on our bedroom carp rug. So

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<v Speaker 2>I am just absolutely stressed out, and I'm like, man,

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<v Speaker 2>we come home. Haley's holding the dog back like the

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<v Speaker 2>bag while I'm putting like the wipes and stuff. She's like,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, life is so glamorous. You go from like

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<v Speaker 2>your opening week directorial day to jeanning up your dogs.

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<v Speaker 1>Remember when phoebpede on our bed, my bed.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, she's going out of that.

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<v Speaker 1>I think she'll never live that down in our house

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<v Speaker 1>now we don't let dogs up in our bedroom like Phoebe.

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<v Speaker 1>Phoebe lost all the privileges for any dog to come

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<v Speaker 1>into our bedroom.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's really sad.

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<v Speaker 1>You know what I forgot to tell you about. Actually

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<v Speaker 1>what So we had our canasta tournament last week. So

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<v Speaker 1>it wasn't like a tournament. This was just like a

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<v Speaker 1>Canasta knight.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, fun.

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<v Speaker 1>It was just fun.

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<v Speaker 2>No low steaks, low steaks.

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<v Speaker 1>Robbie and I sat down with these two girls who

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<v Speaker 1>were like canasta masters, so we were like canasteras and

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<v Speaker 1>so robb and I were like, we're probably gonna lose,

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<v Speaker 1>but we'll learn, you know, like this is a great

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<v Speaker 1>learning because we've only played a handful of times and

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<v Speaker 1>then we only got two We had two tutoring sessions. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>our tutor was at this party and we were like

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<v Speaker 1>talking to her and she's like, oh, I brag about

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<v Speaker 1>you guys all the time. Like I say, I had

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<v Speaker 1>a couple pick it up in two sessions, and I

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<v Speaker 1>was like really, She's like, yeah, some people take like

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<v Speaker 1>twelve sessions. And I was like, oh my gosh. Like

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<v Speaker 1>so I'm feeling fly Like I'm like she kind of

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<v Speaker 1>puffed me up. My chest was out. Yeah, and we're

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<v Speaker 1>playing with these masters, these two girls, and we crushed them,

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<v Speaker 1>like blew them out of the water. And I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>maybe Robbie and I have something here like like to

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<v Speaker 1>where we could do it competitively.

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<v Speaker 2>You should do it, I know.

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<v Speaker 1>So I'm looking into if they do CANASA tournaments because

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<v Speaker 1>I want to enter. And then I get home that

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<v Speaker 1>night and I found out that Travis Kelcey was at

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<v Speaker 1>the same place we were at that night, but I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't see him because I was like, just like, no,

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<v Speaker 1>he wasn't. He wasn't in the CANASA tournament. It's like

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<v Speaker 1>a club that has like many different like levels or

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<v Speaker 1>like a restaurant on one and there's like a rooftop bar.

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<v Speaker 2>In LA Yeah, Birtree, he was there.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but we had LA ships in the night.

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<v Speaker 2>He probably came way after you.

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<v Speaker 1>That's what I was thinking. I was like, we were

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<v Speaker 1>probably leaving our getting ready for dinner. Yeah yeah, but

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<v Speaker 1>I was so excited about it.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's exciting.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, regardless.

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<v Speaker 2>Anyway, allegedly he was on his bachelor trip. Was that

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<v Speaker 2>his bachelor trip?

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<v Speaker 1>I'm guessing, well, it was Wednesday night.

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<v Speaker 2>So oh you never know. When you're a celebrity, you

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<v Speaker 2>do a bachelor week sure an LA bachelor romp.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because Taylor had her bachelrette this weekend, I thought

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<v Speaker 1>the island fireworks.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you scroll on social media?

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<v Speaker 2>I do, but I saw this thing that was like

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<v Speaker 2>they're getting ready for a wedding and it was like,

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<v Speaker 2>clearly not their wedding because people were like, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>think those people would be dressed like that for their wedding.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh shoot, yeah, feels judgmental.

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<v Speaker 2>So I don't know. I don't I just don't believe

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<v Speaker 2>everything when I scroll.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh I do.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>So, like Taylor had her bachelor party, she bacherette party,

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<v Speaker 1>fireworks in Rhode Island. There was fireworks. Like Lively was

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<v Speaker 1>not there because she was photographed in New York City.

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<v Speaker 2>But yeah, I did see that, but she was photographed

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<v Speaker 2>on what ever, it was two different nights, so she

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<v Speaker 2>could have been at the party the.

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<v Speaker 1>Bachelorette for this one night. Sure, just a quick extent, Sure,

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<v Speaker 1>in and out. Yeah, do people do that? Yeah?

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<v Speaker 2>Most of most people do bachelor at nights and it's

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<v Speaker 2>not like a whole thing. So Blake could have been like,

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<v Speaker 2>I just need to pop in and then I gotta

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<v Speaker 2>get back to the kids. I'm sticking with my story

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<v Speaker 2>that she wasn't invited.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I don't know if she was invited. She just

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't there. Okay, she might have been invited, but I

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<v Speaker 1>can't confirm nor deny.

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<v Speaker 2>Than Tanya will call TMZ but it's Tanya's maybe.

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<v Speaker 3>Zigone what the zigon zygoat is like an embryo, But

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<v Speaker 3>I don't think ygon.

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<v Speaker 2>Semi. I don't know. We'll work on it. Into Dear Banya.

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<v Speaker 3>Let's do some Dear Banya. This first one is uh

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<v Speaker 3>from Brie, who is a Canadian ally and has some

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<v Speaker 3>questions for Becca. So Beca, get your answering muscles ready. Truthfully,

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<v Speaker 3>I started listening to your podcast when Becka came out.

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<v Speaker 3>I found her story so beautiful and inspiring, and I've

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<v Speaker 3>been a regular listener ever since. Well, welcome to the party, Brie.

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<v Speaker 3>Looking back through Beca's story, I realized that her sisters

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<v Speaker 3>are also queer. It made me curious about what that

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<v Speaker 3>experience has been like for your family growing up in

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<v Speaker 3>the South. Did you and your sisters have conversations about

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<v Speaker 3>identity with one another or was everyone's journey more individual?

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<v Speaker 3>Is that something that was openly discussed when you were younger,

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<v Speaker 3>or did those conversations happen later in life? And his

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<v Speaker 3>having queer sisters shaped the way your family relates to

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<v Speaker 3>and supports one another. Happy pride from a Canadian ally, xoxobri.

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<v Speaker 2>Hi Brie, thanks for listening. It's been a very interesting

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<v Speaker 2>journey because I didn't even like I don't have the

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<v Speaker 2>experience of feeling like I was in the closet my

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<v Speaker 2>whole life, right because I am also attracted to men,

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<v Speaker 2>and I think any idea of like what in hindsight

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<v Speaker 2>could have been a crush, I just thought like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>I want to I want to be like her, or

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<v Speaker 2>I don't even have remember I had like crushes on

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<v Speaker 2>teachers or like innocent things like that, but I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>have like friends or people that were my peers that

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<v Speaker 2>I had crushes on that I remember till I was older,

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<v Speaker 2>where I go like, oh, maybe that was more of

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<v Speaker 2>a crush than a just like a friend only so

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<v Speaker 2>I had a different experience, And because when I met

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<v Speaker 2>Hayley was the first time that I even started thinking

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<v Speaker 2>or questioning that, and so it wasn't a conversation I

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<v Speaker 2>ever really thought about having growing up. And I also

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<v Speaker 2>grew up very conservative and Christian, so it was just

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<v Speaker 2>very much like shut off because like, you're told that's wrong,

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<v Speaker 2>so don't even go there. Basically, my sisters are Caroline's

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<v Speaker 2>seven years younger than me, and then my other sister,

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<v Speaker 2>Hank is like eleven years younger than me. So they

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<v Speaker 2>had each other, I think now, navigating that together and

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<v Speaker 2>probably had more conversations about it. I didn't find out

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<v Speaker 2>till they lived with me, and I think Kink was

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<v Speaker 2>nineteen or eighteen when she told me. And it was

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<v Speaker 2>so nice when I met Haley because they were living

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<v Speaker 2>with me at the time and so we had each

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<v Speaker 2>other and you know, it's like you navigate hard conversations

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<v Speaker 2>with family and coming out and I don't share a

0:11:22.480 --> 0:11:25.040
<v Speaker 2>lot about that because I've chosen to have a public

0:11:25.080 --> 0:11:28.640
<v Speaker 2>life and that wasn't my family's choice. But I think

0:11:28.760 --> 0:11:33.440
<v Speaker 2>in all, yeah, I think having sisters who were super

0:11:33.480 --> 0:11:36.120
<v Speaker 2>supportive and also understood the feelings that I was going

0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:38.200
<v Speaker 2>through even though I'm so much older than them, was

0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:42.080
<v Speaker 2>really like helpful for me to accept what I was

0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:45.720
<v Speaker 2>feeling without overthinking it. Because when they came out to me,

0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:48.000
<v Speaker 2>I remember that was when I kind of questioned, like

0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:51.280
<v Speaker 2>how I was raised to believe that it was wrong?

0:11:51.400 --> 0:11:53.640
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, wait, these people that I love

0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:57.840
<v Speaker 2>more than anything, how am I supposed to think anything

0:11:57.880 --> 0:12:00.000
<v Speaker 2>negatively about them? Like? I just want them to be happy,

0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:03.000
<v Speaker 2>be and fine love And so I think having those

0:12:03.040 --> 0:12:08.040
<v Speaker 2>conversations before I met Haley made me accept those feelings

0:12:08.120 --> 0:12:12.200
<v Speaker 2>I had for her so much easier because I knew

0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:13.920
<v Speaker 2>I had them at the very least. I was like,

0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:16.560
<v Speaker 2>everyone could leave and not I wouldn't have anybody. At

0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:19.240
<v Speaker 2>least I have them. So yeah, I think having that

0:12:19.320 --> 0:12:23.240
<v Speaker 2>was really like a beautiful part of that part of

0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:25.680
<v Speaker 2>my life. And I also think it wasn't something we

0:12:25.720 --> 0:12:29.400
<v Speaker 2>discussed growing up because we didn't talk about our feelings

0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:32.400
<v Speaker 2>much about like they were so much younger than me,

0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:34.679
<v Speaker 2>so I wasn't really asking them the questions. But actually,

0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:37.160
<v Speaker 2>one of my favorite stories, and the reason why Tanya

0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:39.320
<v Speaker 2>is on the podcast, is because I had my sisters

0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:42.080
<v Speaker 2>on or like one of the first few episodes when

0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:45.280
<v Speaker 2>I was just doing the podcast by myself, and they're

0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:50.600
<v Speaker 2>so funny and quick witted, and I was like, they'll

0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:52.200
<v Speaker 2>be so fun to have on the podcast, but I

0:12:52.200 --> 0:12:56.440
<v Speaker 2>didn't know they were queer, and so I was like, oh,

0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:59.000
<v Speaker 2>what guy, what kind of guys are y'all into? And

0:12:59.040 --> 0:13:01.040
<v Speaker 2>trying to have this call conversation with them, and they

0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.440
<v Speaker 2>were so awkward, and I was like, they got so

0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:06.400
<v Speaker 2>weird in front of the microphone, which now I know why,

0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:09.400
<v Speaker 2>but I didn't at the time. And so Tanya was

0:13:09.440 --> 0:13:11.160
<v Speaker 2>still in the studio and I was like, Hey, will

0:13:11.200 --> 0:13:13.360
<v Speaker 2>you come be on this episode? I need to fill

0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:17.160
<v Speaker 2>in this some space here. And that's how it was.

0:13:17.760 --> 0:13:20.520
<v Speaker 1>I was just a chair sitting in the studio.

0:13:20.960 --> 0:13:26.840
<v Speaker 2>You were the most imp to be had it shaped.

0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:30.720
<v Speaker 2>Thank you Caroline and Hink for not coming out to

0:13:30.760 --> 0:13:34.040
<v Speaker 2>me yet, because it shaped the way this podcast would

0:13:34.080 --> 0:13:38.640
<v Speaker 2>be forever forever. But no, we are. We all have

0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:41.520
<v Speaker 2>each other and it's been a really special thing. And

0:13:42.000 --> 0:13:47.040
<v Speaker 2>you know, I'm really grateful for them and that, especially

0:13:47.120 --> 0:13:50.439
<v Speaker 2>during that time, it was vital for me. Yeah, even

0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:52.200
<v Speaker 2>though all my friends were totally fine with it.

0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:55.360
<v Speaker 1>Somebody asked me about that because we were talking about

0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:58.200
<v Speaker 1>the movie, because I guess they were under the impression

0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:00.360
<v Speaker 1>that Girls Like Girls was like your Lovestore with Hailey,

0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:01.760
<v Speaker 1>and I was like, no, this was like Haley's like

0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:04.920
<v Speaker 1>first ever, like she was kind of navigating in it,

0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:08.360
<v Speaker 1>you know, and I'm trying to remember who it was.

0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:10.120
<v Speaker 1>But they were like, what was it like like when

0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:13.000
<v Speaker 1>Becka told you, like, did she have this whole like

0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:14.520
<v Speaker 1>coming out to you thing? And I was like, no,

0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:17.439
<v Speaker 1>she like literally just told me I made out with

0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:20.920
<v Speaker 1>this girl last night. And I was like, oh my god.

0:14:20.920 --> 0:14:22.280
<v Speaker 1>It was like the Katy Perry song. I was like,

0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:23.000
<v Speaker 1>did you like it?

0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:24.520
<v Speaker 2>You know? Yeah, I liked it.

0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:26.720
<v Speaker 1>Like it wasn't even like this coming out thing. It

0:14:26.760 --> 0:14:28.720
<v Speaker 1>was literally just like I made out with this girl

0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.080
<v Speaker 1>and like I'm obsessed with her. Yeah, we never really

0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:32.560
<v Speaker 1>had that. It wasn't like a thing.

0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.360
<v Speaker 2>No, no. And I also think I, you know, I

0:14:35.440 --> 0:14:38.600
<v Speaker 2>was almost thirty at the time. I felt I was

0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:42.000
<v Speaker 2>very confident in crazy as it was and I think

0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:46.040
<v Speaker 2>that had a big part to do with my how

0:14:46.600 --> 0:14:49.720
<v Speaker 2>I navigated it. And I also trust my friends so much,

0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:52.720
<v Speaker 2>like I felt so loved my my friend. I never

0:14:52.800 --> 0:14:54.760
<v Speaker 2>once thought like, oh my god, Donya was going to

0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:57.520
<v Speaker 2>abandon me because I kissed a girl or like a girl.

0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:00.680
<v Speaker 2>And then that's why.

0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:02.720
<v Speaker 1>I was honestly concerned for you. At that time. I

0:15:02.760 --> 0:15:04.480
<v Speaker 1>was like, I don't know if this girl is capable

0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:08.720
<v Speaker 1>of love, Like I'm concerned. She's almost thirty and she's

0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:11.680
<v Speaker 1>said she's like never had these feelings and she's never

0:15:11.800 --> 0:15:15.240
<v Speaker 1>like wanted to like spend every minute with somebody. I

0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:16.480
<v Speaker 1>was like, I just don't know if Becka has it

0:15:16.520 --> 0:15:17.000
<v Speaker 1>in her.

0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:20.880
<v Speaker 2>Mm hmmm same. I also am such a if you've

0:15:20.880 --> 0:15:24.120
<v Speaker 2>seen the movie Sonia Is, they're both like in high

0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:28.600
<v Speaker 2>school and sonia Is make some decisions that are really

0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:30.680
<v Speaker 2>hurtful and says things that are hurtful. But I am

0:15:30.720 --> 0:15:34.960
<v Speaker 2>such a Sonia defender because in my mind, if I

0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:39.760
<v Speaker 2>was navigating how I felt about Haley at sixteen seventeen,

0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:43.320
<v Speaker 2>whatever in the environment I grew up in, which is

0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:45.400
<v Speaker 2>this is wrong, you can't do this. But I knew

0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:47.960
<v Speaker 2>how strong my feelings were for her, I would have

0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:50.400
<v Speaker 2>been doing the exact same thing, like having those moments

0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:53.160
<v Speaker 2>of like I need to like graze your leg, I

0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:55.960
<v Speaker 2>need to like kiss you, I need in private, and

0:15:56.000 --> 0:16:00.000
<v Speaker 2>then I would feel so much pressure from the outside.

0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:02.680
<v Speaker 2>I had noises and what I was supposed to be

0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:05.640
<v Speaker 2>in the expectations of me. So everyone who's such a

0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:07.520
<v Speaker 2>hater and they're like, don't date a sonya, I'm like,

0:16:08.000 --> 0:16:10.840
<v Speaker 2>they're kids, Like the guys are doing this too, and

0:16:10.880 --> 0:16:12.520
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't make their actions right.

0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:14.520
<v Speaker 1>The guys were doing it, so they were doing it

0:16:14.560 --> 0:16:15.880
<v Speaker 1>to me the coolie.

0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:19.680
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't mean they're a bad person, because I would

0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:23.240
<v Speaker 2>like to think people have growth beyond their high school years.

0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:27.680
<v Speaker 2>Hopefully we have some questionable text.

0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:32.160
<v Speaker 1>Oh yes from I read this and I was pissed.

0:16:32.240 --> 0:16:34.000
<v Speaker 2>Let's just take a break and we'll be right back.

0:16:34.120 --> 0:16:56.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, we're back. This one's from anonymous. I'm thirty one.

0:16:56.480 --> 0:16:59.200
<v Speaker 3>I've been dating my boyfriend who's twenty eight for seven months.

0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:02.880
<v Speaker 3>Notes things have been great. He's never given me a

0:17:02.880 --> 0:17:05.280
<v Speaker 3>reason not to trust him. I do have some trust

0:17:05.320 --> 0:17:08.280
<v Speaker 3>issues from a previous five year relationship, and I'm actively

0:17:08.320 --> 0:17:11.639
<v Speaker 3>working through them in therapy. Recently, while plugging in his phone.

0:17:11.680 --> 0:17:14.400
<v Speaker 3>I saw a text exchange with a friend for context.

0:17:14.440 --> 0:17:16.359
<v Speaker 3>He's always had an open phone policy and told me

0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:20.160
<v Speaker 3>I can look through it whenever I want. My boyfriend writes, bruh,

0:17:20.200 --> 0:17:24.520
<v Speaker 3>did Kate lose weight because she looks hot? Friend? Yeah, dude,

0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:28.160
<v Speaker 3>she's been on a zembic. My boyfriend, I was gonna say,

0:17:28.200 --> 0:17:31.480
<v Speaker 3>if I still live there? Woof crying laughing emoji two

0:17:31.520 --> 0:17:34.200
<v Speaker 3>of them. The fact that he finds another woman attractive

0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:36.240
<v Speaker 3>doesn't bother me. It's that if I still live there?

0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:39.640
<v Speaker 3>Woof comment that felt disrespectful. I also saw a text

0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:41.840
<v Speaker 3>where he was complaining to a close female friend about

0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:44.520
<v Speaker 3>me getting lip filler. He did say I'm beautiful without it,

0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:46.439
<v Speaker 3>but it still bothered me because I've already talked to

0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:48.359
<v Speaker 3>him about it. One thing I've told him is that

0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:51.040
<v Speaker 3>I'm trying to do relationships differently this time. In my

0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:53.800
<v Speaker 3>last relationship, problems were discussed with friends instead of with

0:17:53.840 --> 0:17:55.919
<v Speaker 3>each other. And I've made it clear I value bringing

0:17:55.920 --> 0:17:59.360
<v Speaker 3>concerns directly to your partner. Are these legitimate concerns worth

0:17:59.359 --> 0:18:01.240
<v Speaker 3>bringing up? Or am I lady? My baggage from my

0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:04.200
<v Speaker 3>last relationship influenced my reaction, and if I should bring

0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:05.760
<v Speaker 3>it up. How would you do it?

0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:09.080
<v Speaker 2>Oh my gosh.

0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:11.080
<v Speaker 1>I have two schools of thought on this.

0:18:12.200 --> 0:18:13.919
<v Speaker 3>Let's her classes and sessions.

0:18:14.359 --> 0:18:17.960
<v Speaker 1>My first school of thought is, if you dig, you

0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:21.800
<v Speaker 1>shall find Like if you're looking through their phone, you're

0:18:21.840 --> 0:18:24.640
<v Speaker 1>gonna find something you don't like. I just guarantee it,

0:18:24.760 --> 0:18:28.240
<v Speaker 1>no matter what. I don't care. If your husband partner

0:18:29.160 --> 0:18:35.760
<v Speaker 1>is Jesus Christ himself, you disagree, you don't think so

0:18:35.880 --> 0:18:37.840
<v Speaker 1>if you went digging, I remember I.

0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:39.960
<v Speaker 2>I don't think she was digging. I think that's what

0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:40.520
<v Speaker 2>she's looking through.

0:18:40.720 --> 0:18:41.760
<v Speaker 1>But she was looking through his phone.

0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:43.720
<v Speaker 2>She was plugging his phone in and.

0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:46.160
<v Speaker 1>Looking through it. Yeah, I saw a text. That's looking

0:18:46.160 --> 0:18:50.280
<v Speaker 1>through someone like probably saw the text pop up. I'm

0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:50.960
<v Speaker 1>just saying something.

0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:53.120
<v Speaker 2>I'm just saying, I don't know. This isn't giving digging.

0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:55.639
<v Speaker 1>All I'm saying is if you dig, you will find

0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:56.639
<v Speaker 1>a someon.

0:18:56.640 --> 0:18:58.520
<v Speaker 2>Do we agree with this? Uh?

0:18:58.640 --> 0:19:00.680
<v Speaker 3>I agree that if you dig you will fine, yes,

0:19:00.720 --> 0:19:03.760
<v Speaker 3>But I also don't think she was looking for I

0:19:03.800 --> 0:19:06.520
<v Speaker 3>think she she probably saw a text come through and

0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:07.920
<v Speaker 3>was like, let's see what's going on here.

0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:10.119
<v Speaker 1>But that's guys, I don't looking.

0:19:10.920 --> 0:19:13.399
<v Speaker 2>Says she was pulling it like he he's like, you

0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:15.040
<v Speaker 2>can look through my phone, so she wasn't having to

0:19:15.119 --> 0:19:16.640
<v Speaker 2>like get his phone at nice.

0:19:16.960 --> 0:19:22.240
<v Speaker 1>No, but it's still looking period. However, to me, these

0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:27.560
<v Speaker 1>text messages are so concerning for multiple disrespectful, so disrespectful

0:19:27.920 --> 0:19:30.880
<v Speaker 1>that because she looks hot, Okay, it's fine to say, bruh,

0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:33.440
<v Speaker 1>did Kate lose weight? I guess, but because she looks

0:19:33.480 --> 0:19:35.879
<v Speaker 1>hot is so inappropriate? And then if I still live there,

0:19:35.960 --> 0:19:39.040
<v Speaker 1>woolf also, complaining about your lip filler to another woman

0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:41.440
<v Speaker 1>is like beyond weird, too.

0:19:41.359 --> 0:19:46.679
<v Speaker 5>Wild wild Yeah uh though if I still basically what

0:19:46.840 --> 0:19:50.080
<v Speaker 5>he is telling you with this text is that if

0:19:50.119 --> 0:19:52.360
<v Speaker 5>he ran into her in another place.

0:19:53.760 --> 0:19:56.040
<v Speaker 1>Wolf Yeah, But I don't even know how you bring

0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:58.640
<v Speaker 1>this up to him, Like the one about complaining about

0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:02.560
<v Speaker 1>the lip filler, I would say, like, hey, like I

0:20:02.600 --> 0:20:05.080
<v Speaker 1>we're supposed to be a team, like a front facing team,

0:20:05.160 --> 0:20:08.239
<v Speaker 1>Like if you don't like my lip filler, just tell me.

0:20:08.480 --> 0:20:09.480
<v Speaker 2>I would really appreciate it.

0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:11.359
<v Speaker 1>If you didn't like say that to your friends or

0:20:11.359 --> 0:20:13.919
<v Speaker 1>our family, like if you if you have a problem

0:20:13.920 --> 0:20:15.439
<v Speaker 1>with it, please come to me and just share it

0:20:15.440 --> 0:20:17.760
<v Speaker 1>with me, Like I don't I don't like that.

0:20:18.000 --> 0:20:20.400
<v Speaker 2>And she said she's already talked to him about it,

0:20:20.440 --> 0:20:22.600
<v Speaker 2>So if that would have been his moment, if they

0:20:22.680 --> 0:20:24.560
<v Speaker 2>had a conversation of like, hey, I'm gonna get lip

0:20:24.560 --> 0:20:26.639
<v Speaker 2>filler and he was like, oh, I think you look

0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:29.760
<v Speaker 2>so beautiful with thought it well you know, but yeah

0:20:29.760 --> 0:20:32.600
<v Speaker 2>it was. It was going behind the back and complaining

0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:34.040
<v Speaker 2>about it. Rude.

0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:36.359
<v Speaker 1>But I don't even know how I would bring up

0:20:36.440 --> 0:20:39.280
<v Speaker 1>the other one because I would just be so livid, like,

0:20:39.320 --> 0:20:43.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even I don't

0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:43.760
<v Speaker 1>even know what to say.

0:20:43.840 --> 0:20:47.400
<v Speaker 3>I'd say, hey, bruh, Yeah, I hate that, he says

0:20:47.440 --> 0:20:50.520
<v Speaker 3>if I still lived there and not if I were single, Yeah,

0:20:50.520 --> 0:20:52.720
<v Speaker 3>like that's crazy to me, which is still not great, No,

0:20:52.880 --> 0:20:56.520
<v Speaker 3>still not great. But also like, also, I'm sorry I

0:20:56.560 --> 0:20:59.360
<v Speaker 3>thought Wolf was bad, Like I'm going back to home

0:20:59.400 --> 0:21:01.359
<v Speaker 3>alone well as your girlfriend Wolf.

0:21:01.480 --> 0:21:03.520
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, wof was bad too, But I think.

0:21:03.400 --> 0:21:06.920
<v Speaker 3>It's like wolf like howling like a like a dog,

0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:07.240
<v Speaker 3>you know.

0:21:07.200 --> 0:21:09.000
<v Speaker 2>But barking, sparking.

0:21:09.720 --> 0:21:13.520
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's all bad, it's all horrible.

0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:16.800
<v Speaker 2>I think you should just say, hey, I have been

0:21:16.840 --> 0:21:18.600
<v Speaker 2>sitting on this and I was trying to figure out

0:21:18.600 --> 0:21:21.760
<v Speaker 2>a way because I'm I'm wanting to do this relationship

0:21:21.800 --> 0:21:23.800
<v Speaker 2>differently than I did my last one, and I don't

0:21:23.840 --> 0:21:26.720
<v Speaker 2>want to bring my insecurities from my last relationship into

0:21:26.760 --> 0:21:29.320
<v Speaker 2>this one. But I was plugging your phone in and

0:21:29.400 --> 0:21:32.679
<v Speaker 2>I saw this text exchange, and I'm just having a

0:21:32.720 --> 0:21:35.119
<v Speaker 2>really hard time moving on from it. So I wanted

0:21:35.359 --> 0:21:40.240
<v Speaker 2>to talk about it with you, and and I personally

0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:44.320
<v Speaker 2>don't know how I would move forward with this with trust,

0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:46.359
<v Speaker 2>Like I would definitely have to be like, we need

0:21:46.400 --> 0:21:49.080
<v Speaker 2>a couples therapists to navigate how I'm feeling about this,

0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:53.840
<v Speaker 2>because that to me basically is like in my mind,

0:21:53.840 --> 0:21:55.680
<v Speaker 2>I would be like he's he's going to cheat.

0:21:56.280 --> 0:21:58.919
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I just it just to me. I don't want

0:21:58.960 --> 0:22:01.080
<v Speaker 1>to say it's like grounds breaking up, but I just

0:22:01.080 --> 0:22:03.919
<v Speaker 1>feel like you don't want someone moving that way or

0:22:03.960 --> 0:22:07.520
<v Speaker 1>thinking that it's okay to move that way inside a relationship.

0:22:07.080 --> 0:22:09.399
<v Speaker 2>Talk about and like you can't with other people.

0:22:09.480 --> 0:22:11.280
<v Speaker 1>It's a character thing, yeah, do you know what I mean?

0:22:11.359 --> 0:22:13.240
<v Speaker 1>Like it's not something that he can It's not like

0:22:13.880 --> 0:22:15.720
<v Speaker 1>I don't like it when you leave the toilet seat up.

0:22:15.720 --> 0:22:17.720
<v Speaker 1>Please don't leave the toilet seat up, because then I

0:22:17.800 --> 0:22:19.359
<v Speaker 1>fall in you know what I mean? Like this is

0:22:19.359 --> 0:22:22.280
<v Speaker 1>like a character thing. That I unfortunately don't think that

0:22:22.359 --> 0:22:24.440
<v Speaker 1>you can correct in conversation with him. Do you know

0:22:24.480 --> 0:22:24.840
<v Speaker 1>what I mean?

0:22:25.320 --> 0:22:29.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's disrespectful. It's disrespectful to you both. Both things

0:22:29.600 --> 0:22:32.880
<v Speaker 2>that he did here that we have evidence of, who

0:22:32.960 --> 0:22:34.320
<v Speaker 2>knows what we don't have evidence of.

0:22:34.880 --> 0:22:37.520
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I just it's not it's just.

0:22:37.800 --> 0:22:41.639
<v Speaker 2>Me being You're trying to heal something that someone else

0:22:42.119 --> 0:22:44.919
<v Speaker 2>broke or you had issues with from a previous relationship,

0:22:45.720 --> 0:22:48.320
<v Speaker 2>and I fear that you're with someone who is going

0:22:48.440 --> 0:22:52.080
<v Speaker 2>to disrespect you he already has.

0:22:52.320 --> 0:22:54.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's just going to continue and it probably will

0:22:54.440 --> 0:22:54.879
<v Speaker 1>get worse.

0:22:55.160 --> 0:22:56.679
<v Speaker 2>But I definitely think you should bring it up. I

0:22:56.680 --> 0:23:00.720
<v Speaker 2>would be so curious to hear what his reasoning or.

0:23:00.800 --> 0:23:03.880
<v Speaker 1>Now he will weasel his way out of this so fast.

0:23:04.520 --> 0:23:06.320
<v Speaker 2>There's nothing I mean like Ross.

0:23:06.040 --> 0:23:08.679
<v Speaker 1>Geller and some leather slippery jeans.

0:23:08.400 --> 0:23:11.920
<v Speaker 2>He did not always allow to try try and damn

0:23:12.080 --> 0:23:16.159
<v Speaker 2>what happens. I just think you need to bring it up.

0:23:16.200 --> 0:23:19.239
<v Speaker 2>I don't think you're crazy for being upset by this.

0:23:19.320 --> 0:23:21.399
<v Speaker 2>I don't think you're irrational. I don't think you're in

0:23:21.440 --> 0:23:25.040
<v Speaker 2>the wrong. I think that he is very disrespectful and

0:23:25.320 --> 0:23:30.480
<v Speaker 2>if he's speaking about if you found that just with

0:23:30.520 --> 0:23:34.040
<v Speaker 2>no effort. There's no what is he saying about you? Like,

0:23:34.160 --> 0:23:36.760
<v Speaker 2>how is he speaking about you? Not in text messages

0:23:36.760 --> 0:23:39.080
<v Speaker 2>when he's with his boys on a night out.

0:23:40.400 --> 0:23:42.960
<v Speaker 3>I think you're in a very great part of the

0:23:43.040 --> 0:23:45.639
<v Speaker 3>relationship though, because they've been together seven months, Because that

0:23:46.000 --> 0:23:47.880
<v Speaker 3>to me, that's not like you could still end this

0:23:48.119 --> 0:23:50.679
<v Speaker 3>and you're you're not living.

0:23:50.400 --> 0:23:52.399
<v Speaker 1>Together, right, no skin off your teeth.

0:23:52.480 --> 0:23:54.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, but the seven months is also long enough for

0:23:54.480 --> 0:23:57.359
<v Speaker 3>someone to show you who he is. I think I

0:23:57.600 --> 0:23:59.960
<v Speaker 3>think this he's not going to change. I don't think

0:24:00.200 --> 0:24:01.760
<v Speaker 3>even if you bring us up to him and he's like, well,

0:24:02.040 --> 0:24:03.600
<v Speaker 3>you know what, You're right. I should not have said

0:24:03.600 --> 0:24:05.120
<v Speaker 3>those things, like he's not going to do that first

0:24:05.119 --> 0:24:07.720
<v Speaker 3>of all, and if he did, I don't know. I'm sorry.

0:24:08.040 --> 0:24:11.240
<v Speaker 3>This is just like this type of guy I don't

0:24:11.280 --> 0:24:13.480
<v Speaker 3>think changes. Yeah, sorry to say that.

0:24:14.119 --> 0:24:17.520
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I'm sorry you're going through that. It's really Yeah,

0:24:17.560 --> 0:24:20.080
<v Speaker 2>that's tough. But I agree Easton that you make a

0:24:20.160 --> 0:24:27.000
<v Speaker 2>good point. You're in a good spot ended right now.

0:24:27.119 --> 0:24:28.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it feels like an ended to me too.

0:24:29.640 --> 0:24:33.160
<v Speaker 3>Here's another anonymous one. I've been married for almost twelve years.

0:24:33.320 --> 0:24:35.800
<v Speaker 3>My relationship with my mother in law has always been difficult.

0:24:36.080 --> 0:24:38.240
<v Speaker 3>She's often been critical and judgmental of me, but I've

0:24:38.240 --> 0:24:40.760
<v Speaker 3>always tried to keep the peace. In twenty twenty, a

0:24:40.840 --> 0:24:43.600
<v Speaker 3>huge fight broke out during a family vacation. My husband

0:24:43.600 --> 0:24:45.440
<v Speaker 3>had just had a hip replacement and was running a

0:24:45.480 --> 0:24:47.600
<v Speaker 3>fever during the trip, and a lot of long standing

0:24:47.600 --> 0:24:50.560
<v Speaker 3>issues came to the surface. My in law's left that night,

0:24:50.680 --> 0:24:53.199
<v Speaker 3>and despite our attempts to reach out afterward, they completely

0:24:53.240 --> 0:24:55.520
<v Speaker 3>cut off communication with us and our kids for an

0:24:55.640 --> 0:25:00.280
<v Speaker 3>entire year. No calls, no birthday nothing. A few weeks ago,

0:25:00.359 --> 0:25:01.879
<v Speaker 3>my father in law reach out to my husband and

0:25:01.960 --> 0:25:04.520
<v Speaker 3>ask to reconnect. My husband is ready to move forward,

0:25:04.520 --> 0:25:07.240
<v Speaker 3>but I'm struggling with the idea of simply pretending nothing happened.

0:25:07.520 --> 0:25:09.520
<v Speaker 3>What hurts me most is the impact on my kids,

0:25:09.600 --> 0:25:12.560
<v Speaker 3>especially my son, who is extremely close with his grandfather.

0:25:12.840 --> 0:25:15.040
<v Speaker 3>He spent that year confused, hurt, and wondering why they

0:25:15.119 --> 0:25:17.840
<v Speaker 3>disappeared from his life. I've told my husband that before

0:25:17.880 --> 0:25:20.240
<v Speaker 3>we move forward, I'd like a conversation with his parents

0:25:20.280 --> 0:25:22.640
<v Speaker 3>about what happened and said we acknowledgment of the hurt

0:25:22.680 --> 0:25:25.359
<v Speaker 3>that was caused. I'm not looking for a perfect apology,

0:25:25.520 --> 0:25:27.080
<v Speaker 3>but I don't want to teach my kids that it's

0:25:27.080 --> 0:25:29.320
<v Speaker 3>okay to just disappear from someone's life for a year

0:25:29.359 --> 0:25:31.840
<v Speaker 3>and then act like nothing happened. Am I justified in

0:25:31.840 --> 0:25:33.960
<v Speaker 3>wanting to address it and set boundaries or should I

0:25:34.080 --> 0:25:34.879
<v Speaker 3>let it go and move on.

0:25:38.119 --> 0:25:41.040
<v Speaker 2>I know that everyone's living life for the first time,

0:25:41.080 --> 0:25:44.679
<v Speaker 2>like everyone's navigating things as they go. But when parents

0:25:45.440 --> 0:25:52.520
<v Speaker 2>don't act like parents, yeah, it drives me crazy. Yeah.

0:25:52.560 --> 0:25:54.160
<v Speaker 1>And it's like because at the end of the day,

0:25:54.320 --> 0:25:58.639
<v Speaker 1>when you're fighting, it's really ego, Like that's really what

0:25:59.440 --> 0:26:01.080
<v Speaker 1>we don't know and tell us what this spide is about.

0:26:01.160 --> 0:26:03.760
<v Speaker 1>But it's really just ego that makes you stop talking.

0:26:03.840 --> 0:26:07.640
<v Speaker 1>And and then there's children involved, Like you're hurting these

0:26:07.680 --> 0:26:12.280
<v Speaker 1>little kids' hards innocent because of your ego because you

0:26:12.320 --> 0:26:15.320
<v Speaker 1>can't just suck it up and either apologize or like

0:26:15.440 --> 0:26:17.760
<v Speaker 1>get to some common ground with another adult.

0:26:18.200 --> 0:26:21.000
<v Speaker 2>My thing is, even if you have conflict with the adults,

0:26:21.040 --> 0:26:23.320
<v Speaker 2>like send the kids gifts.

0:26:22.800 --> 0:26:26.960
<v Speaker 1>Like yeah them like yes, it's so it's insane behavior

0:26:27.960 --> 0:26:31.640
<v Speaker 1>that is so devastating. It's I agree.

0:26:31.359 --> 0:26:33.719
<v Speaker 2>With everything you're saying. I don't think you can expect

0:26:33.720 --> 0:26:36.360
<v Speaker 2>a perfect that I think there it's the only thing

0:26:36.359 --> 0:26:39.199
<v Speaker 2>that can rebuild. This is time and like you know,

0:26:39.400 --> 0:26:42.760
<v Speaker 2>working at both parties choosing to move forward. But I

0:26:42.800 --> 0:26:45.879
<v Speaker 2>also think you deserve every right to have a conversation

0:26:45.960 --> 0:26:50.000
<v Speaker 2>about like, hey, this was really hurtful and we need

0:26:50.040 --> 0:26:54.119
<v Speaker 2>to talk about why that was wrong and how we

0:26:54.160 --> 0:26:55.240
<v Speaker 2>all want to move forward.

0:26:55.320 --> 0:26:59.239
<v Speaker 1>Well, I think ultimately, I do think coming to like

0:26:59.320 --> 0:27:03.159
<v Speaker 1>some understand and communication and like having that be a

0:27:03.200 --> 0:27:06.560
<v Speaker 1>cordial relationship is super important. But I also think setting

0:27:06.600 --> 0:27:09.440
<v Speaker 1>the boundary and the expectation of like, you cannot do

0:27:09.520 --> 0:27:11.399
<v Speaker 1>this to my kids again, Like if you're going to

0:27:11.440 --> 0:27:13.040
<v Speaker 1>be in their lives, You're going to be in their lives.

0:27:13.080 --> 0:27:14.879
<v Speaker 1>You're not just going to ghost them again, like that

0:27:15.080 --> 0:27:16.160
<v Speaker 1>this isn't happening again.

0:27:16.240 --> 0:27:18.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, otherwise you're out forever. Yeah, Like if you can

0:27:18.680 --> 0:27:22.720
<v Speaker 2>have issues with us, but you cannot come in and

0:27:22.760 --> 0:27:26.440
<v Speaker 2>out as you please into their lives. Yeah, but yeah,

0:27:26.480 --> 0:27:29.880
<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry that I would. I definitely think your husband

0:27:29.880 --> 0:27:33.119
<v Speaker 2>should navigate this with you and be a team with

0:27:33.160 --> 0:27:35.520
<v Speaker 2>you and make sure that y'all are having the conversations

0:27:35.520 --> 0:27:39.000
<v Speaker 2>needed that you feel ready to like have them back

0:27:39.040 --> 0:27:39.800
<v Speaker 2>in y'all's lives.

0:27:39.960 --> 0:27:44.920
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, sheesh, that's a rough one.

0:27:45.080 --> 0:27:49.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, we have another anonymous one, but should we should

0:27:49.600 --> 0:27:50.400
<v Speaker 3>we take a break?

0:27:50.800 --> 0:27:52.840
<v Speaker 2>Were you going to do the husband stalling with kids

0:27:52.840 --> 0:27:53.760
<v Speaker 2>in emotional affair?

0:27:53.920 --> 0:27:55.320
<v Speaker 3>I was going that's when I was going to.

0:27:55.440 --> 0:27:57.000
<v Speaker 2>Okay, let's take a break and then do it.

0:27:57.080 --> 0:28:13.720
<v Speaker 6>Okay, we're about.

0:28:15.840 --> 0:28:18.639
<v Speaker 3>Another anonymous email here on Dear Bonnia. My husband and

0:28:18.680 --> 0:28:21.240
<v Speaker 3>I had been together for thirteen years and married for five.

0:28:21.480 --> 0:28:23.439
<v Speaker 3>Before we got engaged, I was very clear that I

0:28:23.440 --> 0:28:25.760
<v Speaker 3>wanted children, and he agreed that he could see that

0:28:25.800 --> 0:28:28.960
<v Speaker 3>future too. But seven years later, he's still ensure about

0:28:29.000 --> 0:28:31.440
<v Speaker 3>having kids, and it's become one of the biggest challenges

0:28:31.440 --> 0:28:34.159
<v Speaker 3>in our marriage. Recently, while trying to understand why we

0:28:34.200 --> 0:28:36.800
<v Speaker 3>felt so disconnected, I discovered he's been having what I

0:28:36.800 --> 0:28:39.800
<v Speaker 3>would consider to be an emotional affair with a coworker.

0:28:40.200 --> 0:28:42.520
<v Speaker 3>There was nothing physical, but he had been confiding in

0:28:42.560 --> 0:28:45.280
<v Speaker 3>her about his fears, his stress, work struggles, and concerns

0:28:45.280 --> 0:28:47.680
<v Speaker 3>about our future, things I thought he was sharing with me.

0:28:48.280 --> 0:28:51.080
<v Speaker 3>He says the relationship developed during a stressful period and

0:28:51.400 --> 0:28:53.560
<v Speaker 3>wasn't the cause of our problems, but rather a result

0:28:53.600 --> 0:28:56.520
<v Speaker 3>of them. He has apologized, taking accountability and says he's

0:28:56.560 --> 0:28:59.600
<v Speaker 3>committed to repairing our marriage. Still, I feel blindsided and

0:28:59.640 --> 0:29:02.840
<v Speaker 3>deeply betrayed. How do I know if his uncertainty about

0:29:02.880 --> 0:29:05.160
<v Speaker 3>children is something he'll eventually work through? And how do

0:29:05.200 --> 0:29:07.560
<v Speaker 3>I know whether our marriage can recover after he chose

0:29:07.600 --> 0:29:10.040
<v Speaker 3>to lean on someone else during such an important crossroads

0:29:10.040 --> 0:29:12.320
<v Speaker 3>in our lives? At what point do you stop believing

0:29:12.360 --> 0:29:15.040
<v Speaker 3>in someone's potential and start accepting it who they are

0:29:15.240 --> 0:29:15.760
<v Speaker 3>right now?

0:29:17.600 --> 0:29:20.360
<v Speaker 2>This might need to go to someone with a higher

0:29:20.400 --> 0:29:25.760
<v Speaker 2>degree than us. Want to say, why because it feels

0:29:25.800 --> 0:29:30.720
<v Speaker 2>like you know this, the conversation of wanting kids before

0:29:30.760 --> 0:29:35.360
<v Speaker 2>you get married is such an important decision for both

0:29:35.400 --> 0:29:39.360
<v Speaker 2>people to agree on, and it sounds like.

0:29:39.320 --> 0:29:41.560
<v Speaker 1>It seems like they did. And then he changes mind.

0:29:41.880 --> 0:29:44.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but which is not communicating that to her. He's

0:29:44.960 --> 0:29:47.520
<v Speaker 2>going to somebody else that he spends every day with

0:29:47.640 --> 0:29:53.360
<v Speaker 2>at work this information, And it's like the question I

0:29:53.360 --> 0:29:56.280
<v Speaker 2>would have is why do you feel so safe? Why

0:29:56.320 --> 0:29:58.760
<v Speaker 2>don't you feel safe sharing that with me as your partner?

0:29:59.440 --> 0:30:03.959
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? I feel like these are things that are very

0:30:03.960 --> 0:30:06.600
<v Speaker 1>important to talk about before you get married, you know,

0:30:06.760 --> 0:30:09.080
<v Speaker 1>like being on the same page about those things is

0:30:09.200 --> 0:30:13.760
<v Speaker 1>like so crucial, even if it takes you longer, you

0:30:13.760 --> 0:30:15.400
<v Speaker 1>know what I mean? Like robb and I weren't always

0:30:15.400 --> 0:30:19.120
<v Speaker 1>necessarily on the same page about everything in terms of timing,

0:30:19.560 --> 0:30:21.720
<v Speaker 1>just because of our history and like our lives and

0:30:21.760 --> 0:30:25.640
<v Speaker 1>where we were at. But like we overly communicated our

0:30:25.720 --> 0:30:29.160
<v Speaker 1>expectations and what we wanted out of the relationship, and

0:30:29.240 --> 0:30:31.360
<v Speaker 1>when we finally got on the same page, that's when

0:30:31.560 --> 0:30:33.960
<v Speaker 1>we got engaged and like moved our relationship forward. So

0:30:34.000 --> 0:30:37.360
<v Speaker 1>I feel like having those conversations is super important. Also,

0:30:39.040 --> 0:30:41.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't know how old you are, but like you

0:30:41.080 --> 0:30:43.600
<v Speaker 1>can't kick the can forever, you know what I mean.

0:30:43.680 --> 0:30:46.120
<v Speaker 1>Like unfortunately, as women, we do have a biological clock

0:30:46.160 --> 0:30:49.480
<v Speaker 1>and like he's gotta get on the horse, if you

0:30:49.520 --> 0:30:52.640
<v Speaker 1>know what I'm saying, or vice versa.

0:30:52.840 --> 0:30:54.560
<v Speaker 2>Do you kick the can mean die?

0:30:55.280 --> 0:30:57.400
<v Speaker 1>No? Kick the can means like you just kick it down,

0:30:57.520 --> 0:30:59.080
<v Speaker 1>like I'll do it later, I'll do it tomorrow, I'll

0:30:59.120 --> 0:30:59.960
<v Speaker 1>do it, and I will do it next y you.

0:31:00.440 --> 0:31:01.520
<v Speaker 3>It also does mean die.

0:31:03.040 --> 0:31:06.280
<v Speaker 1>Oh, it means both. Oh what a double on tom.

0:31:06.840 --> 0:31:08.720
<v Speaker 3>Kick the can down the road means to delay something

0:31:08.760 --> 0:31:11.720
<v Speaker 3>and then kick the can, So I.

0:31:11.720 --> 0:31:13.120
<v Speaker 1>Meant kick the can down the road.

0:31:13.240 --> 0:31:17.400
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, it's I mean, it's it's tough. I always think,

0:31:17.440 --> 0:31:21.160
<v Speaker 3>like when you get when you're in a long term

0:31:21.200 --> 0:31:23.400
<v Speaker 3>or serious relationship with someone, I think you have to

0:31:23.440 --> 0:31:24.920
<v Speaker 3>be you really have to be on the same page

0:31:24.960 --> 0:31:30.320
<v Speaker 3>on things like children and then like personal values. That's

0:31:30.320 --> 0:31:32.480
<v Speaker 3>something like Alison and I do not have the same

0:31:32.520 --> 0:31:35.400
<v Speaker 3>taste in music, or like there's so many things where

0:31:35.240 --> 0:31:38.480
<v Speaker 3>we are different on, but we are exactly aligned in

0:31:39.320 --> 0:31:44.360
<v Speaker 3>like you know, uh, the politics and where we are

0:31:44.360 --> 0:31:47.800
<v Speaker 3>in terms of starting a family and those kind of expectations.

0:31:48.160 --> 0:31:51.400
<v Speaker 3>And I think that's why a relationship works. You really

0:31:51.480 --> 0:31:54.080
<v Speaker 3>have to be locked in. And I think the fact

0:31:54.120 --> 0:31:56.480
<v Speaker 3>that she was so determined she said like, I know

0:31:56.560 --> 0:31:59.360
<v Speaker 3>I wanted kids, and he was like, kind of she says,

0:31:59.400 --> 0:32:01.480
<v Speaker 3>I he could see that future too.

0:32:02.560 --> 0:32:02.760
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:32:03.080 --> 0:32:03.360
<v Speaker 1>Same.

0:32:03.680 --> 0:32:07.720
<v Speaker 2>I Also now there's this, Okay, so you have stalled

0:32:07.800 --> 0:32:10.480
<v Speaker 2>and we don't know where we land on having kids

0:32:10.560 --> 0:32:12.479
<v Speaker 2>or when that's going to happen. So there's that issue.

0:32:12.520 --> 0:32:15.680
<v Speaker 2>And now she has this trust issue with him confiding

0:32:15.720 --> 0:32:18.520
<v Speaker 2>and someone else, and it's like, how do you navigate

0:32:19.200 --> 0:32:20.840
<v Speaker 2>him going to work every day that.

0:32:21.120 --> 0:32:23.200
<v Speaker 1>This person that would send me.

0:32:23.920 --> 0:32:26.080
<v Speaker 2>All jerks aside. I really do think you should talk

0:32:26.120 --> 0:32:28.000
<v Speaker 2>to a couple therapists because I think you need to

0:32:28.040 --> 0:32:32.040
<v Speaker 2>decide what are the boundaries that work that are realistic,

0:32:32.120 --> 0:32:34.800
<v Speaker 2>because like, if this is a job that he loves

0:32:34.800 --> 0:32:38.000
<v Speaker 2>and is financially supporting, y'all, then he can't just quit

0:32:38.000 --> 0:32:41.440
<v Speaker 2>his job. But like, what does it look like moving forward?

0:32:41.440 --> 0:32:46.160
<v Speaker 2>Because on top of big life decisions, now you have

0:32:46.240 --> 0:32:51.280
<v Speaker 2>to consider him, you know, having an emotional affair.

0:32:51.400 --> 0:32:53.080
<v Speaker 1>You Know what's interesting, though, is I always feel like,

0:32:53.360 --> 0:32:55.560
<v Speaker 1>because they're married, the stakes are higher, do you know

0:32:55.600 --> 0:32:57.280
<v Speaker 1>what I mean? Where if they weren't married, they were

0:32:57.320 --> 0:33:00.320
<v Speaker 1>together for thirteen years and he was having he was

0:33:00.440 --> 0:33:03.560
<v Speaker 1>playing these tricks, I'd be like, get out, yeah, move on.

0:33:04.080 --> 0:33:05.880
<v Speaker 1>But I'm like, the stakes are higher because they're married.

0:33:06.280 --> 0:33:10.160
<v Speaker 2>But then I'm like, yeah, but there's no kids yet, right.

0:33:09.760 --> 0:33:12.880
<v Speaker 1>Well, maybe get out now. But then I like that

0:33:12.960 --> 0:33:16.360
<v Speaker 1>he apologized, took accountability, and says he's committed to repairing

0:33:16.360 --> 0:33:18.479
<v Speaker 1>our marriage. Like that is a huge thing. Imagine if

0:33:18.480 --> 0:33:21.080
<v Speaker 1>it was if he was just like, there's no problem

0:33:21.120 --> 0:33:24.320
<v Speaker 1>with those of them, a whole different story, we'd all

0:33:24.360 --> 0:33:27.120
<v Speaker 1>be like, get out. The fact that he did those

0:33:27.160 --> 0:33:30.600
<v Speaker 1>things makes me feel like he's not a bad guy.

0:33:30.800 --> 0:33:32.880
<v Speaker 1>He maybe made some bad choices.

0:33:34.200 --> 0:33:36.800
<v Speaker 2>I think you talked to somebody, a professional, tell him

0:33:36.880 --> 0:33:38.000
<v Speaker 2>that's what you need to do?

0:33:38.400 --> 0:33:39.680
<v Speaker 1>What fine?

0:33:40.120 --> 0:33:42.440
<v Speaker 2>I just think it's I think it's helpful because I

0:33:42.600 --> 0:33:44.440
<v Speaker 2>don't want her to get into a place where she's

0:33:44.480 --> 0:33:48.320
<v Speaker 2>spirals and then the boundaries are confused or blurred and

0:33:48.360 --> 0:33:51.560
<v Speaker 2>they don't know what's okay, what's not okay? Do you

0:33:51.600 --> 0:33:54.200
<v Speaker 2>want to have kids like he He clearly doesn't feel

0:33:56.320 --> 0:33:59.320
<v Speaker 2>safe to talk to her about it. So having a

0:33:59.360 --> 0:34:02.280
<v Speaker 2>third party there to navigate the conversation, I just think

0:34:02.360 --> 0:34:04.360
<v Speaker 2>would be so helpful.

0:34:04.600 --> 0:34:05.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, just to say what.

0:34:05.560 --> 0:34:08.400
<v Speaker 2>You need to say, both of you. But I'm so sorry.

0:34:08.440 --> 0:34:14.000
<v Speaker 2>This is awful, really complicated and tough. We wish you

0:34:14.040 --> 0:34:15.400
<v Speaker 2>the best whatever that looks like.

0:34:16.440 --> 0:34:20.360
<v Speaker 3>Yes, yes, I hope everything works out for you. Anonymous.

0:34:21.239 --> 0:34:22.160
<v Speaker 1>I think we should wrap.

0:34:22.360 --> 0:34:23.279
<v Speaker 2>Let's do the last one.

0:34:23.800 --> 0:34:25.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I know. I think we should do one more

0:34:25.520 --> 0:34:27.400
<v Speaker 3>before we say goodbye. And I'm sorry we did. That

0:34:27.520 --> 0:34:30.160
<v Speaker 3>was a very heavy one. And this is another kind

0:34:30.200 --> 0:34:33.399
<v Speaker 3>of intense email. So I'm really sorry. This is from

0:34:33.440 --> 0:34:36.760
<v Speaker 3>Brooke Dear Becca Tanya Mark in Easton. I'm an avid

0:34:36.760 --> 0:34:39.160
<v Speaker 3>listener from South Carolina and I came upon this story

0:34:39.200 --> 0:34:41.520
<v Speaker 3>while scrolling social media. Had to read it to make

0:34:41.560 --> 0:34:44.840
<v Speaker 3>sure this was not Tanya Love a huge Tanya taught Brook.

0:34:45.320 --> 0:34:49.000
<v Speaker 3>Here's the article women arrested after driving over one hundred

0:34:49.000 --> 0:34:52.799
<v Speaker 3>miles per hour to watch Love Island. Tanya, were you

0:34:52.840 --> 0:34:53.920
<v Speaker 3>in Arizona recently?

0:34:55.400 --> 0:34:57.919
<v Speaker 1>This was not me. You could have been, It could

0:34:57.960 --> 0:35:01.200
<v Speaker 1>have been, It could have been, But it was not me.

0:35:02.280 --> 0:35:05.400
<v Speaker 1>She was maybe season six, but not seasoning.

0:35:05.480 --> 0:35:06.440
<v Speaker 2>No no, no, no, no no.

0:35:06.640 --> 0:35:08.239
<v Speaker 3>She's going one hundred and eight and a sixty five

0:35:08.239 --> 0:35:10.280
<v Speaker 3>mile prior zone. She was trying to get home fast

0:35:10.320 --> 0:35:12.600
<v Speaker 3>to watch Love Island, to make it home in time.

0:35:12.920 --> 0:35:13.080
<v Speaker 5>You know.

0:35:13.840 --> 0:35:16.480
<v Speaker 1>I do have to say though, now that Love Island

0:35:16.520 --> 0:35:18.680
<v Speaker 1>is bigger than it was before. I could watch Love

0:35:18.680 --> 0:35:21.680
<v Speaker 1>Island at my leisure. Now, if I don't watch it

0:35:22.040 --> 0:35:24.640
<v Speaker 1>the day it comes out, I'm getting spoilers on social media.

0:35:24.719 --> 0:35:28.880
<v Speaker 1>So I understand the speeding because the spoilers do be coming.

0:35:29.440 --> 0:35:32.680
<v Speaker 1>And even me, somebody like, if you don't watch it

0:35:32.719 --> 0:35:35.440
<v Speaker 1>at six pm on the nose, you're getting spoilers, Like

0:35:35.480 --> 0:35:36.879
<v Speaker 1>I watch them before I go to bed, so it's

0:35:36.880 --> 0:35:38.680
<v Speaker 1>like eight o'clock at night, and I've already seen like

0:35:38.719 --> 0:35:41.480
<v Speaker 1>some of the crotch stuff, you know, so.

0:35:42.360 --> 0:35:45.360
<v Speaker 2>Broke crotch stuff, well, like the girth check.

0:35:45.239 --> 0:35:48.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, the check. I'm seeing all this stuff on social media,

0:35:48.239 --> 0:35:50.520
<v Speaker 1>and I'm like, I don't want to see that. So

0:35:50.560 --> 0:35:51.640
<v Speaker 1>I understand the speeding.

0:35:52.880 --> 0:35:56.200
<v Speaker 2>Well, here's the thing though, it's it's a sometimes you're

0:35:56.239 --> 0:35:58.200
<v Speaker 2>speeding to rush home so you don't miss it, and

0:35:58.200 --> 0:36:00.399
<v Speaker 2>then you get pulled over and put you even further

0:36:00.480 --> 0:36:01.520
<v Speaker 2>back with a ticket.

0:36:01.680 --> 0:36:03.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's true. It's never as no.

0:36:03.680 --> 0:36:06.080
<v Speaker 2>If she got a ticket or not, that's the important part.

0:36:06.160 --> 0:36:07.960
<v Speaker 2>Did Love Island to get her out of the ticket?

0:36:08.360 --> 0:36:09.080
<v Speaker 2>I imagine no.

0:36:09.320 --> 0:36:11.840
<v Speaker 3>I She was arrested and booked on charges of pel

0:36:11.880 --> 0:36:14.040
<v Speaker 3>speed and her vehicle was impounded for twenty days.

0:36:14.400 --> 0:36:18.439
<v Speaker 2>Shes just a way, just drive the speed limit. It'll

0:36:18.440 --> 0:36:24.160
<v Speaker 2>be there when you get home. Okay, we will be.

0:36:24.360 --> 0:36:26.120
<v Speaker 2>We're leaving. We're done.

0:36:26.480 --> 0:36:28.080
<v Speaker 1>Audios, audios.

0:36:28.160 --> 0:36:31.480
<v Speaker 2>We love y'all so much. I love you a wonderful weekend.

0:36:32.239 --> 0:36:39.200
<v Speaker 6>Bye.