Speaker 1: Scrubbing in with Becka Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: and two times People's Choice Award winning podcasts.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, they are scrubbing in.
Speaker 1: How you doing, doing dandy? How you doing?
Speaker 2: I'm great, just absolutely Like after doing the first podcast,
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm in like the groove, you know
Speaker 2: you do. I get so tired so Hayley doing all this.
Speaker 2: I mean, she did so much press for the movie,
Speaker 2: like for two weeks it was like multiple interviews every day.
Speaker 2: But for a while she was just doing podcasts here
Speaker 2: and there starting out the press, and she was like,
Speaker 2: I don't know how y'all do multiple podcasts back to back.
Speaker 2: I'm exhausted. It's like, that's right, show biz baby doing
Speaker 2: a little flex nine.
Speaker 3: Years Like get her getting asked the same questions over
Speaker 3: and over. That's the thing it.
Speaker 1: I do feel like that would be like if we
Speaker 1: were having the same conversation over and over again, I
Speaker 1: think we'd be like tired, you're right, you know.
Speaker 2: You're right. We like although I feel like I could
Speaker 2: just go through an answer any questions they have for her,
Speaker 2: I can answer, I know the real top of my head.
Speaker 1: I because I feel like when I did my press
Speaker 1: for my book, it was like, really the only thing
Speaker 1: I can kind of equate it to. And it's true,
Speaker 1: it's like there's this monotony to it, you know, like
Speaker 1: there's like these pillars that everybody asks you about, and
Speaker 1: it's just like how many times can I have the
Speaker 1: same But it's to so many different audiences, so it's
Speaker 1: like you kind of have to say this, you know,
Speaker 1: the same thing, just to spread right. So I do
Speaker 1: think maybe Haley's experience was different than ours.
Speaker 2: It's like the Lady Gaga when she was in uh.
Speaker 1: Yeah Born This or What No No?
Speaker 2: With Bradley Cooper Stars A Star Was Born, Star is Born? Yeah,
Speaker 2: and there were she said one hundred You can have
Speaker 2: one hundred people in the room and all it takes
Speaker 2: is one to believe in you or whatever, And it's
Speaker 2: like that story is so impactful. But then with TikTok
Speaker 2: and social media gets put into like a you know,
Speaker 2: a whole video, you've heard it once, you've heard it before.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not giving authentic, that's the problem, I know.
Speaker 2: But it's like how many how many stories can you
Speaker 2: come up with.
Speaker 1: For every different your job? Think about it?
Speaker 2: Yeah, she could have maybe switched up the wording.
Speaker 1: Especially when it's like such an impactful line, like you
Speaker 1: can't just keep using that. Yes, the age of social media.
Speaker 4: Like someone did a video where it was all it
Speaker 4: was the wow ok trend, but it was her saying
Speaker 4: that line and it was like different ways, so funny.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that is pretty good. It's also scary sometimes it
Speaker 1: is so scary.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1: I think I have to stop ingesting so much. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I also take everything for like I take I
Speaker 1: think everybody's like an expert, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And Robbie will be like, Babe, these people don't know
Speaker 1: what they're talking about. Why are you listening to them?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, but they say I need to eat
Speaker 1: this to to for my mitochondria. And He's like, who
Speaker 1: the fuck is that person? Like you need to stop
Speaker 1: and get off the scrolling. And I'm like, I think
Speaker 1: he might be right because you can't control what you see,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Yeah, and my algorithm
Speaker 1: knows what it's doing.
Speaker 2: Hailey said something to me about not oh, not washing
Speaker 2: your dog's bowls or something, Yes, not washing them, like
Speaker 2: being you shouldn't or something.
Speaker 4: Yeah, something, And I go Okay, sometimes you just gotta
Speaker 4: log off, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: But I'm like, Hailey, like anything I see, I like
Speaker 1: send it right over to Robbie and I'm like, we
Speaker 1: have to do this, this, this, And he's like, I'm
Speaker 1: not listening to like user two three.
Speaker 2: Five, And that's that's we need. We need that balance.
Speaker 1: Yeah, for y'all, speaking of what I forgot.
Speaker 2: But the day we got home from opening day, which
Speaker 2: was Friday, we got home and and I get home
Speaker 2: and I see that Phoebe had had like an diarrhea
Speaker 2: on our carp rug awesome, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, like are you sick? And so I'm
Speaker 2: it is a like I'm using every cleaner I have.
Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm freaking out, like get rid of the rug.
Speaker 2: So then I go, I'm walking back in the hallway.
Speaker 2: There's more drops of it on the hardwood floor, and
Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, well, at least she tried to make
Speaker 2: it onto just the hardwood floor. She has diarrhea, So
Speaker 2: I'm cleaning that up. Colorox wives like crazy, go back
Speaker 2: into the bedroom, more on our bedroom carp rug. So
Speaker 2: I am just absolutely stressed out, and I'm like, man,
Speaker 2: we come home. Haley's holding the dog back like the
Speaker 2: bag while I'm putting like the wipes and stuff. She's like,
Speaker 2: you know, life is so glamorous. You go from like
Speaker 2: your opening week directorial day to jeanning up your dogs.
Speaker 1: Remember when phoebpede on our bed, my bed.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she's going out of that.
Speaker 1: I think she'll never live that down in our house
Speaker 1: now we don't let dogs up in our bedroom like Phoebe.
Speaker 1: Phoebe lost all the privileges for any dog to come
Speaker 1: into our bedroom.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's really sad.
Speaker 1: You know what I forgot to tell you about. Actually
Speaker 1: what So we had our canasta tournament last week. So
Speaker 1: it wasn't like a tournament. This was just like a
Speaker 1: Canasta knight.
Speaker 2: Okay, fun.
Speaker 1: It was just fun.
Speaker 2: No low steaks, low steaks.
Speaker 1: Robbie and I sat down with these two girls who
Speaker 1: were like canasta masters, so we were like canasteras and
Speaker 1: so robb and I were like, we're probably gonna lose,
Speaker 1: but we'll learn, you know, like this is a great
Speaker 1: learning because we've only played a handful of times and
Speaker 1: then we only got two We had two tutoring sessions. Okay,
Speaker 1: our tutor was at this party and we were like
Speaker 1: talking to her and she's like, oh, I brag about
Speaker 1: you guys all the time. Like I say, I had
Speaker 1: a couple pick it up in two sessions, and I
Speaker 1: was like really, She's like, yeah, some people take like
Speaker 1: twelve sessions. And I was like, oh my gosh. Like
Speaker 1: so I'm feeling fly Like I'm like she kind of
Speaker 1: puffed me up. My chest was out. Yeah, and we're
Speaker 1: playing with these masters, these two girls, and we crushed them,
Speaker 1: like blew them out of the water. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: maybe Robbie and I have something here like like to
Speaker 1: where we could do it competitively.
Speaker 2: You should do it, I know.
Speaker 1: So I'm looking into if they do CANASA tournaments because
Speaker 1: I want to enter. And then I get home that
Speaker 1: night and I found out that Travis Kelcey was at
Speaker 1: the same place we were at that night, but I
Speaker 1: didn't see him because I was like, just like, no,
Speaker 1: he wasn't. He wasn't in the CANASA tournament. It's like
Speaker 1: a club that has like many different like levels or
Speaker 1: like a restaurant on one and there's like a rooftop bar.
Speaker 2: In LA Yeah, Birtree, he was there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but we had LA ships in the night.
Speaker 2: He probably came way after you.
Speaker 1: That's what I was thinking. I was like, we were
Speaker 1: probably leaving our getting ready for dinner. Yeah yeah, but
Speaker 1: I was so excited about it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's exciting.
Speaker 1: Yeah, regardless.
Speaker 2: Anyway, allegedly he was on his bachelor trip. Was that
Speaker 2: his bachelor trip?
Speaker 1: I'm guessing, well, it was Wednesday night.
Speaker 2: So oh you never know. When you're a celebrity, you
Speaker 2: do a bachelor week sure an LA bachelor romp.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because Taylor had her bachelrette this weekend, I thought
Speaker 1: the island fireworks.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Do you scroll on social media?
Speaker 2: I do, but I saw this thing that was like
Speaker 2: they're getting ready for a wedding and it was like,
Speaker 2: clearly not their wedding because people were like, I don't
Speaker 2: think those people would be dressed like that for their wedding.
Speaker 1: Oh shoot, yeah, feels judgmental.
Speaker 2: So I don't know. I don't I just don't believe
Speaker 2: everything when I scroll.
Speaker 1: Oh I do.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So, like Taylor had her bachelor party, she bacherette party,
Speaker 1: fireworks in Rhode Island. There was fireworks. Like Lively was
Speaker 1: not there because she was photographed in New York City.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I did see that, but she was photographed
Speaker 2: on what ever, it was two different nights, so she
Speaker 2: could have been at the party the.
Speaker 1: Bachelorette for this one night. Sure, just a quick extent, Sure,
Speaker 1: in and out. Yeah, do people do that? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Most of most people do bachelor at nights and it's
Speaker 2: not like a whole thing. So Blake could have been like,
Speaker 2: I just need to pop in and then I gotta
Speaker 2: get back to the kids. I'm sticking with my story
Speaker 2: that she wasn't invited.
Speaker 1: No, I don't know if she was invited. She just
Speaker 1: wasn't there. Okay, she might have been invited, but I
Speaker 1: can't confirm nor deny.
Speaker 2: Than Tanya will call TMZ but it's Tanya's maybe.
Speaker 3: Zigone what the zigon zygoat is like an embryo, But
Speaker 3: I don't think ygon.
Speaker 2: Semi. I don't know. We'll work on it. Into Dear Banya.
Speaker 3: Let's do some Dear Banya. This first one is uh
Speaker 3: from Brie, who is a Canadian ally and has some
Speaker 3: questions for Becca. So Beca, get your answering muscles ready. Truthfully,
Speaker 3: I started listening to your podcast when Becka came out.
Speaker 3: I found her story so beautiful and inspiring, and I've
Speaker 3: been a regular listener ever since. Well, welcome to the party, Brie.
Speaker 3: Looking back through Beca's story, I realized that her sisters
Speaker 3: are also queer. It made me curious about what that
Speaker 3: experience has been like for your family growing up in
Speaker 3: the South. Did you and your sisters have conversations about
Speaker 3: identity with one another or was everyone's journey more individual?
Speaker 3: Is that something that was openly discussed when you were younger,
Speaker 3: or did those conversations happen later in life? And his
Speaker 3: having queer sisters shaped the way your family relates to
Speaker 3: and supports one another. Happy pride from a Canadian ally, xoxobri.
Speaker 2: Hi Brie, thanks for listening. It's been a very interesting
Speaker 2: journey because I didn't even like I don't have the
Speaker 2: experience of feeling like I was in the closet my
Speaker 2: whole life, right because I am also attracted to men,
Speaker 2: and I think any idea of like what in hindsight
Speaker 2: could have been a crush, I just thought like, oh,
Speaker 2: I want to I want to be like her, or
Speaker 2: I don't even have remember I had like crushes on
Speaker 2: teachers or like innocent things like that, but I didn't
Speaker 2: have like friends or people that were my peers that
Speaker 2: I had crushes on that I remember till I was older,
Speaker 2: where I go like, oh, maybe that was more of
Speaker 2: a crush than a just like a friend only so
Speaker 2: I had a different experience, And because when I met
Speaker 2: Hayley was the first time that I even started thinking
Speaker 2: or questioning that, and so it wasn't a conversation I
Speaker 2: ever really thought about having growing up. And I also
Speaker 2: grew up very conservative and Christian, so it was just
Speaker 2: very much like shut off because like, you're told that's wrong,
Speaker 2: so don't even go there. Basically, my sisters are Caroline's
Speaker 2: seven years younger than me, and then my other sister,
Speaker 2: Hank is like eleven years younger than me. So they
Speaker 2: had each other, I think now, navigating that together and
Speaker 2: probably had more conversations about it. I didn't find out
Speaker 2: till they lived with me, and I think Kink was
Speaker 2: nineteen or eighteen when she told me. And it was
Speaker 2: so nice when I met Haley because they were living
Speaker 2: with me at the time and so we had each
Speaker 2: other and you know, it's like you navigate hard conversations
Speaker 2: with family and coming out and I don't share a
Speaker 2: lot about that because I've chosen to have a public
Speaker 2: life and that wasn't my family's choice. But I think
Speaker 2: in all, yeah, I think having sisters who were super
Speaker 2: supportive and also understood the feelings that I was going
Speaker 2: through even though I'm so much older than them, was
Speaker 2: really like helpful for me to accept what I was
Speaker 2: feeling without overthinking it. Because when they came out to me,
Speaker 2: I remember that was when I kind of questioned, like
Speaker 2: how I was raised to believe that it was wrong?
Speaker 2: And I was like, wait, these people that I love
Speaker 2: more than anything, how am I supposed to think anything
Speaker 2: negatively about them? Like? I just want them to be happy,
Speaker 2: be and fine love And so I think having those
Speaker 2: conversations before I met Haley made me accept those feelings
Speaker 2: I had for her so much easier because I knew
Speaker 2: I had them at the very least. I was like,
Speaker 2: everyone could leave and not I wouldn't have anybody. At
Speaker 2: least I have them. So yeah, I think having that
Speaker 2: was really like a beautiful part of that part of
Speaker 2: my life. And I also think it wasn't something we
Speaker 2: discussed growing up because we didn't talk about our feelings
Speaker 2: much about like they were so much younger than me,
Speaker 2: so I wasn't really asking them the questions. But actually,
Speaker 2: one of my favorite stories, and the reason why Tanya
Speaker 2: is on the podcast, is because I had my sisters
Speaker 2: on or like one of the first few episodes when
Speaker 2: I was just doing the podcast by myself, and they're
Speaker 2: so funny and quick witted, and I was like, they'll
Speaker 2: be so fun to have on the podcast, but I
Speaker 2: didn't know they were queer, and so I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: what guy, what kind of guys are y'all into? And
Speaker 2: trying to have this call conversation with them, and they
Speaker 2: were so awkward, and I was like, they got so
Speaker 2: weird in front of the microphone, which now I know why,
Speaker 2: but I didn't at the time. And so Tanya was
Speaker 2: still in the studio and I was like, Hey, will
Speaker 2: you come be on this episode? I need to fill
Speaker 2: in this some space here. And that's how it was.
Speaker 1: I was just a chair sitting in the studio.
Speaker 2: You were the most imp to be had it shaped.
Speaker 2: Thank you Caroline and Hink for not coming out to
Speaker 2: me yet, because it shaped the way this podcast would
Speaker 2: be forever forever. But no, we are. We all have
Speaker 2: each other and it's been a really special thing. And
Speaker 2: you know, I'm really grateful for them and that, especially
Speaker 2: during that time, it was vital for me. Yeah, even
Speaker 2: though all my friends were totally fine with it.
Speaker 1: Somebody asked me about that because we were talking about
Speaker 1: the movie, because I guess they were under the impression
Speaker 1: that Girls Like Girls was like your Lovestore with Hailey,
Speaker 1: and I was like, no, this was like Haley's like
Speaker 1: first ever, like she was kind of navigating in it,
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm trying to remember who it was.
Speaker 1: But they were like, what was it like like when
Speaker 1: Becka told you, like, did she have this whole like
Speaker 1: coming out to you thing? And I was like, no,
Speaker 1: she like literally just told me I made out with
Speaker 1: this girl last night. And I was like, oh my god.
Speaker 1: It was like the Katy Perry song. I was like,
Speaker 1: did you like it?
Speaker 2: You know? Yeah, I liked it.
Speaker 1: Like it wasn't even like this coming out thing. It
Speaker 1: was literally just like I made out with this girl
Speaker 1: and like I'm obsessed with her. Yeah, we never really
Speaker 1: had that. It wasn't like a thing.
Speaker 2: No, no. And I also think I, you know, I
Speaker 2: was almost thirty at the time. I felt I was
Speaker 2: very confident in crazy as it was and I think
Speaker 2: that had a big part to do with my how
Speaker 2: I navigated it. And I also trust my friends so much,
Speaker 2: like I felt so loved my my friend. I never
Speaker 2: once thought like, oh my god, Donya was going to
Speaker 2: abandon me because I kissed a girl or like a girl.
Speaker 2: And then that's why.
Speaker 1: I was honestly concerned for you. At that time. I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't know if this girl is capable
Speaker 1: of love, Like I'm concerned. She's almost thirty and she's
Speaker 1: said she's like never had these feelings and she's never
Speaker 1: like wanted to like spend every minute with somebody. I
Speaker 1: was like, I just don't know if Becka has it
Speaker 1: in her.
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm same. I also am such a if you've
Speaker 2: seen the movie Sonia Is, they're both like in high
Speaker 2: school and sonia Is make some decisions that are really
Speaker 2: hurtful and says things that are hurtful. But I am
Speaker 2: such a Sonia defender because in my mind, if I
Speaker 2: was navigating how I felt about Haley at sixteen seventeen,
Speaker 2: whatever in the environment I grew up in, which is
Speaker 2: this is wrong, you can't do this. But I knew
Speaker 2: how strong my feelings were for her, I would have
Speaker 2: been doing the exact same thing, like having those moments
Speaker 2: of like I need to like graze your leg, I
Speaker 2: need to like kiss you, I need in private, and
Speaker 2: then I would feel so much pressure from the outside.
Speaker 2: I had noises and what I was supposed to be
Speaker 2: in the expectations of me. So everyone who's such a
Speaker 2: hater and they're like, don't date a sonya, I'm like,
Speaker 2: they're kids, Like the guys are doing this too, and
Speaker 2: it doesn't make their actions right.
Speaker 1: The guys were doing it, so they were doing it
Speaker 1: to me the coolie.
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean they're a bad person, because I would
Speaker 2: like to think people have growth beyond their high school years.
Speaker 2: Hopefully we have some questionable text.
Speaker 1: Oh yes from I read this and I was pissed.
Speaker 2: Let's just take a break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're back. This one's from anonymous. I'm thirty one.
Speaker 3: I've been dating my boyfriend who's twenty eight for seven months.
Speaker 3: Notes things have been great. He's never given me a
Speaker 3: reason not to trust him. I do have some trust
Speaker 3: issues from a previous five year relationship, and I'm actively
Speaker 3: working through them in therapy. Recently, while plugging in his phone.
Speaker 3: I saw a text exchange with a friend for context.
Speaker 3: He's always had an open phone policy and told me
Speaker 3: I can look through it whenever I want. My boyfriend writes, bruh,
Speaker 3: did Kate lose weight because she looks hot? Friend? Yeah, dude,
Speaker 3: she's been on a zembic. My boyfriend, I was gonna say,
Speaker 3: if I still live there? Woof crying laughing emoji two
Speaker 3: of them. The fact that he finds another woman attractive
Speaker 3: doesn't bother me. It's that if I still live there?
Speaker 3: Woof comment that felt disrespectful. I also saw a text
Speaker 3: where he was complaining to a close female friend about
Speaker 3: me getting lip filler. He did say I'm beautiful without it,
Speaker 3: but it still bothered me because I've already talked to
Speaker 3: him about it. One thing I've told him is that
Speaker 3: I'm trying to do relationships differently this time. In my
Speaker 3: last relationship, problems were discussed with friends instead of with
Speaker 3: each other. And I've made it clear I value bringing
Speaker 3: concerns directly to your partner. Are these legitimate concerns worth
Speaker 3: bringing up? Or am I lady? My baggage from my
Speaker 3: last relationship influenced my reaction, and if I should bring
Speaker 3: it up. How would you do it?
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: I have two schools of thought on this.
Speaker 3: Let's her classes and sessions.
Speaker 1: My first school of thought is, if you dig, you
Speaker 1: shall find Like if you're looking through their phone, you're
Speaker 1: gonna find something you don't like. I just guarantee it,
Speaker 1: no matter what. I don't care. If your husband partner
Speaker 1: is Jesus Christ himself, you disagree, you don't think so
Speaker 1: if you went digging, I remember I.
Speaker 2: I don't think she was digging. I think that's what
Speaker 2: she's looking through.
Speaker 1: But she was looking through his phone.
Speaker 2: She was plugging his phone in and.
Speaker 1: Looking through it. Yeah, I saw a text. That's looking
Speaker 1: through someone like probably saw the text pop up. I'm
Speaker 1: just saying something.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying, I don't know. This isn't giving digging.
Speaker 1: All I'm saying is if you dig, you will find
Speaker 1: a someon.
Speaker 2: Do we agree with this? Uh?
Speaker 3: I agree that if you dig you will fine, yes,
Speaker 3: But I also don't think she was looking for I
Speaker 3: think she she probably saw a text come through and
Speaker 3: was like, let's see what's going on here.
Speaker 1: But that's guys, I don't looking.
Speaker 2: Says she was pulling it like he he's like, you
Speaker 2: can look through my phone, so she wasn't having to
Speaker 2: like get his phone at nice.
Speaker 1: No, but it's still looking period. However, to me, these
Speaker 1: text messages are so concerning for multiple disrespectful, so disrespectful
Speaker 1: that because she looks hot, Okay, it's fine to say, bruh,
Speaker 1: did Kate lose weight? I guess, but because she looks
Speaker 1: hot is so inappropriate? And then if I still live there,
Speaker 1: woolf also, complaining about your lip filler to another woman
Speaker 1: is like beyond weird, too.
Speaker 5: Wild wild Yeah uh though if I still basically what
Speaker 5: he is telling you with this text is that if
Speaker 5: he ran into her in another place.
Speaker 1: Wolf Yeah, But I don't even know how you bring
Speaker 1: this up to him, Like the one about complaining about
Speaker 1: the lip filler, I would say, like, hey, like I
Speaker 1: we're supposed to be a team, like a front facing team,
Speaker 1: Like if you don't like my lip filler, just tell me.
Speaker 2: I would really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: If you didn't like say that to your friends or
Speaker 1: our family, like if you if you have a problem
Speaker 1: with it, please come to me and just share it
Speaker 1: with me, Like I don't I don't like that.
Speaker 2: And she said she's already talked to him about it,
Speaker 2: So if that would have been his moment, if they
Speaker 2: had a conversation of like, hey, I'm gonna get lip
Speaker 2: filler and he was like, oh, I think you look
Speaker 2: so beautiful with thought it well you know, but yeah
Speaker 2: it was. It was going behind the back and complaining
Speaker 2: about it. Rude.
Speaker 1: But I don't even know how I would bring up
Speaker 1: the other one because I would just be so livid, like,
Speaker 1: I don't I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even I don't
Speaker 1: even know what to say.
Speaker 3: I'd say, hey, bruh, Yeah, I hate that, he says
Speaker 3: if I still lived there and not if I were single, Yeah,
Speaker 3: like that's crazy to me, which is still not great, No,
Speaker 3: still not great. But also like, also, I'm sorry I
Speaker 3: thought Wolf was bad, Like I'm going back to home
Speaker 3: alone well as your girlfriend Wolf.
Speaker 1: Yeah, wof was bad too, But I think.
Speaker 3: It's like wolf like howling like a like a dog,
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 2: But barking, sparking.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's all bad, it's all horrible.
Speaker 2: I think you should just say, hey, I have been
Speaker 2: sitting on this and I was trying to figure out
Speaker 2: a way because I'm I'm wanting to do this relationship
Speaker 2: differently than I did my last one, and I don't
Speaker 2: want to bring my insecurities from my last relationship into
Speaker 2: this one. But I was plugging your phone in and
Speaker 2: I saw this text exchange, and I'm just having a
Speaker 2: really hard time moving on from it. So I wanted
Speaker 2: to talk about it with you, and and I personally
Speaker 2: don't know how I would move forward with this with trust,
Speaker 2: Like I would definitely have to be like, we need
Speaker 2: a couples therapists to navigate how I'm feeling about this,
Speaker 2: because that to me basically is like in my mind,
Speaker 2: I would be like he's he's going to cheat.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just it just to me. I don't want
Speaker 1: to say it's like grounds breaking up, but I just
Speaker 1: feel like you don't want someone moving that way or
Speaker 1: thinking that it's okay to move that way inside a relationship.
Speaker 2: Talk about and like you can't with other people.
Speaker 1: It's a character thing, yeah, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like it's not something that he can It's not like
Speaker 1: I don't like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
Speaker 1: Please don't leave the toilet seat up, because then I
Speaker 1: fall in you know what I mean? Like this is
Speaker 1: like a character thing. That I unfortunately don't think that
Speaker 1: you can correct in conversation with him. Do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's disrespectful. It's disrespectful to you both. Both things
Speaker 2: that he did here that we have evidence of, who
Speaker 2: knows what we don't have evidence of.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just it's not it's just.
Speaker 2: Me being You're trying to heal something that someone else
Speaker 2: broke or you had issues with from a previous relationship,
Speaker 2: and I fear that you're with someone who is going
Speaker 2: to disrespect you he already has.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just going to continue and it probably will
Speaker 1: get worse.
Speaker 2: But I definitely think you should bring it up. I
Speaker 2: would be so curious to hear what his reasoning or.
Speaker 1: Now he will weasel his way out of this so fast.
Speaker 2: There's nothing I mean like Ross.
Speaker 1: Geller and some leather slippery jeans.
Speaker 2: He did not always allow to try try and damn
Speaker 2: what happens. I just think you need to bring it up.
Speaker 2: I don't think you're crazy for being upset by this.
Speaker 2: I don't think you're irrational. I don't think you're in
Speaker 2: the wrong. I think that he is very disrespectful and
Speaker 2: if he's speaking about if you found that just with
Speaker 2: no effort. There's no what is he saying about you? Like,
Speaker 2: how is he speaking about you? Not in text messages
Speaker 2: when he's with his boys on a night out.
Speaker 3: I think you're in a very great part of the
Speaker 3: relationship though, because they've been together seven months, Because that
Speaker 3: to me, that's not like you could still end this
Speaker 3: and you're you're not living.
Speaker 1: Together, right, no skin off your teeth.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but the seven months is also long enough for
Speaker 3: someone to show you who he is. I think I
Speaker 3: think this he's not going to change. I don't think
Speaker 3: even if you bring us up to him and he's like, well,
Speaker 3: you know what, You're right. I should not have said
Speaker 3: those things, like he's not going to do that first
Speaker 3: of all, and if he did, I don't know. I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: This is just like this type of guy I don't
Speaker 3: think changes. Yeah, sorry to say that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm sorry you're going through that. It's really Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's tough. But I agree Easton that you make a
Speaker 2: good point. You're in a good spot ended right now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it feels like an ended to me too.
Speaker 3: Here's another anonymous one. I've been married for almost twelve years.
Speaker 3: My relationship with my mother in law has always been difficult.
Speaker 3: She's often been critical and judgmental of me, but I've
Speaker 3: always tried to keep the peace. In twenty twenty, a
Speaker 3: huge fight broke out during a family vacation. My husband
Speaker 3: had just had a hip replacement and was running a
Speaker 3: fever during the trip, and a lot of long standing
Speaker 3: issues came to the surface. My in law's left that night,
Speaker 3: and despite our attempts to reach out afterward, they completely
Speaker 3: cut off communication with us and our kids for an
Speaker 3: entire year. No calls, no birthday nothing. A few weeks ago,
Speaker 3: my father in law reach out to my husband and
Speaker 3: ask to reconnect. My husband is ready to move forward,
Speaker 3: but I'm struggling with the idea of simply pretending nothing happened.
Speaker 3: What hurts me most is the impact on my kids,
Speaker 3: especially my son, who is extremely close with his grandfather.
Speaker 3: He spent that year confused, hurt, and wondering why they
Speaker 3: disappeared from his life. I've told my husband that before
Speaker 3: we move forward, I'd like a conversation with his parents
Speaker 3: about what happened and said we acknowledgment of the hurt
Speaker 3: that was caused. I'm not looking for a perfect apology,
Speaker 3: but I don't want to teach my kids that it's
Speaker 3: okay to just disappear from someone's life for a year
Speaker 3: and then act like nothing happened. Am I justified in
Speaker 3: wanting to address it and set boundaries or should I
Speaker 3: let it go and move on.
Speaker 2: I know that everyone's living life for the first time,
Speaker 2: like everyone's navigating things as they go. But when parents
Speaker 2: don't act like parents, yeah, it drives me crazy. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And it's like because at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: when you're fighting, it's really ego, Like that's really what
Speaker 1: we don't know and tell us what this spide is about.
Speaker 1: But it's really just ego that makes you stop talking.
Speaker 1: And and then there's children involved, Like you're hurting these
Speaker 1: little kids' hards innocent because of your ego because you
Speaker 1: can't just suck it up and either apologize or like
Speaker 1: get to some common ground with another adult.
Speaker 2: My thing is, even if you have conflict with the adults,
Speaker 2: like send the kids gifts.
Speaker 1: Like yeah them like yes, it's so it's insane behavior
Speaker 1: that is so devastating. It's I agree.
Speaker 2: With everything you're saying. I don't think you can expect
Speaker 2: a perfect that I think there it's the only thing
Speaker 2: that can rebuild. This is time and like you know,
Speaker 2: working at both parties choosing to move forward. But I
Speaker 2: also think you deserve every right to have a conversation
Speaker 2: about like, hey, this was really hurtful and we need
Speaker 2: to talk about why that was wrong and how we
Speaker 2: all want to move forward.
Speaker 1: Well, I think ultimately, I do think coming to like
Speaker 1: some understand and communication and like having that be a
Speaker 1: cordial relationship is super important. But I also think setting
Speaker 1: the boundary and the expectation of like, you cannot do
Speaker 1: this to my kids again, Like if you're going to
Speaker 1: be in their lives, You're going to be in their lives.
Speaker 1: You're not just going to ghost them again, like that
Speaker 1: this isn't happening again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, otherwise you're out forever. Yeah, Like if you can
Speaker 2: have issues with us, but you cannot come in and
Speaker 2: out as you please into their lives. Yeah, but yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm sorry that I would. I definitely think your husband
Speaker 2: should navigate this with you and be a team with
Speaker 2: you and make sure that y'all are having the conversations
Speaker 2: needed that you feel ready to like have them back
Speaker 2: in y'all's lives.
Speaker 6: Yeah, sheesh, that's a rough one.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we have another anonymous one, but should we should
Speaker 3: we take a break?
Speaker 2: Were you going to do the husband stalling with kids
Speaker 2: in emotional affair?
Speaker 3: I was going that's when I was going to.
Speaker 2: Okay, let's take a break and then do it.
Speaker 6: Okay, we're about.
Speaker 3: Another anonymous email here on Dear Bonnia. My husband and
Speaker 3: I had been together for thirteen years and married for five.
Speaker 3: Before we got engaged, I was very clear that I
Speaker 3: wanted children, and he agreed that he could see that
Speaker 3: future too. But seven years later, he's still ensure about
Speaker 3: having kids, and it's become one of the biggest challenges
Speaker 3: in our marriage. Recently, while trying to understand why we
Speaker 3: felt so disconnected, I discovered he's been having what I
Speaker 3: would consider to be an emotional affair with a coworker.
Speaker 3: There was nothing physical, but he had been confiding in
Speaker 3: her about his fears, his stress, work struggles, and concerns
Speaker 3: about our future, things I thought he was sharing with me.
Speaker 3: He says the relationship developed during a stressful period and
Speaker 3: wasn't the cause of our problems, but rather a result
Speaker 3: of them. He has apologized, taking accountability and says he's
Speaker 3: committed to repairing our marriage. Still, I feel blindsided and
Speaker 3: deeply betrayed. How do I know if his uncertainty about
Speaker 3: children is something he'll eventually work through? And how do
Speaker 3: I know whether our marriage can recover after he chose
Speaker 3: to lean on someone else during such an important crossroads
Speaker 3: in our lives? At what point do you stop believing
Speaker 3: in someone's potential and start accepting it who they are
Speaker 3: right now?
Speaker 2: This might need to go to someone with a higher
Speaker 2: degree than us. Want to say, why because it feels
Speaker 2: like you know this, the conversation of wanting kids before
Speaker 2: you get married is such an important decision for both
Speaker 2: people to agree on, and it sounds like.
Speaker 1: It seems like they did. And then he changes mind.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but which is not communicating that to her. He's
Speaker 2: going to somebody else that he spends every day with
Speaker 2: at work this information, And it's like the question I
Speaker 2: would have is why do you feel so safe? Why
Speaker 2: don't you feel safe sharing that with me as your partner?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I feel like these are things that are very
Speaker 1: important to talk about before you get married, you know,
Speaker 1: like being on the same page about those things is
Speaker 1: like so crucial, even if it takes you longer, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like robb and I weren't always
Speaker 1: necessarily on the same page about everything in terms of timing,
Speaker 1: just because of our history and like our lives and
Speaker 1: where we were at. But like we overly communicated our
Speaker 1: expectations and what we wanted out of the relationship, and
Speaker 1: when we finally got on the same page, that's when
Speaker 1: we got engaged and like moved our relationship forward. So
Speaker 1: I feel like having those conversations is super important. Also,
Speaker 1: I don't know how old you are, but like you
Speaker 1: can't kick the can forever, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Like unfortunately, as women, we do have a biological clock
Speaker 1: and like he's gotta get on the horse, if you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, or vice versa.
Speaker 2: Do you kick the can mean die?
Speaker 1: No? Kick the can means like you just kick it down,
Speaker 1: like I'll do it later, I'll do it tomorrow, I'll
Speaker 1: do it, and I will do it next y you.
Speaker 3: It also does mean die.
Speaker 1: Oh, it means both. Oh what a double on tom.
Speaker 3: Kick the can down the road means to delay something
Speaker 3: and then kick the can, So I.
Speaker 1: Meant kick the can down the road.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's I mean, it's it's tough. I always think,
Speaker 3: like when you get when you're in a long term
Speaker 3: or serious relationship with someone, I think you have to
Speaker 3: be you really have to be on the same page
Speaker 3: on things like children and then like personal values. That's
Speaker 3: something like Alison and I do not have the same
Speaker 3: taste in music, or like there's so many things where
Speaker 3: we are different on, but we are exactly aligned in
Speaker 3: like you know, uh, the politics and where we are
Speaker 3: in terms of starting a family and those kind of expectations.
Speaker 3: And I think that's why a relationship works. You really
Speaker 3: have to be locked in. And I think the fact
Speaker 3: that she was so determined she said like, I know
Speaker 3: I wanted kids, and he was like, kind of she says,
Speaker 3: I he could see that future too.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Same.
Speaker 2: I Also now there's this, Okay, so you have stalled
Speaker 2: and we don't know where we land on having kids
Speaker 2: or when that's going to happen. So there's that issue.
Speaker 2: And now she has this trust issue with him confiding
Speaker 2: and someone else, and it's like, how do you navigate
Speaker 2: him going to work every day that.
Speaker 1: This person that would send me.
Speaker 2: All jerks aside. I really do think you should talk
Speaker 2: to a couple therapists because I think you need to
Speaker 2: decide what are the boundaries that work that are realistic,
Speaker 2: because like, if this is a job that he loves
Speaker 2: and is financially supporting, y'all, then he can't just quit
Speaker 2: his job. But like, what does it look like moving forward?
Speaker 2: Because on top of big life decisions, now you have
Speaker 2: to consider him, you know, having an emotional affair.
Speaker 1: You Know what's interesting, though, is I always feel like,
Speaker 1: because they're married, the stakes are higher, do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Where if they weren't married, they were
Speaker 1: together for thirteen years and he was having he was
Speaker 1: playing these tricks, I'd be like, get out, yeah, move on.
Speaker 1: But I'm like, the stakes are higher because they're married.
Speaker 2: But then I'm like, yeah, but there's no kids yet, right.
Speaker 1: Well, maybe get out now. But then I like that
Speaker 1: he apologized, took accountability, and says he's committed to repairing
Speaker 1: our marriage. Like that is a huge thing. Imagine if
Speaker 1: it was if he was just like, there's no problem
Speaker 1: with those of them, a whole different story, we'd all
Speaker 1: be like, get out. The fact that he did those
Speaker 1: things makes me feel like he's not a bad guy.
Speaker 1: He maybe made some bad choices.
Speaker 2: I think you talked to somebody, a professional, tell him
Speaker 2: that's what you need to do?
Speaker 1: What fine?
Speaker 2: I just think it's I think it's helpful because I
Speaker 2: don't want her to get into a place where she's
Speaker 2: spirals and then the boundaries are confused or blurred and
Speaker 2: they don't know what's okay, what's not okay? Do you
Speaker 2: want to have kids like he He clearly doesn't feel
Speaker 2: safe to talk to her about it. So having a
Speaker 2: third party there to navigate the conversation, I just think
Speaker 2: would be so helpful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just to say what.
Speaker 2: You need to say, both of you. But I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2: This is awful, really complicated and tough. We wish you
Speaker 2: the best whatever that looks like.
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, I hope everything works out for you. Anonymous.
Speaker 1: I think we should wrap.
Speaker 2: Let's do the last one.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know. I think we should do one more
Speaker 3: before we say goodbye. And I'm sorry we did. That
Speaker 3: was a very heavy one. And this is another kind
Speaker 3: of intense email. So I'm really sorry. This is from
Speaker 3: Brooke Dear Becca Tanya Mark in Easton. I'm an avid
Speaker 3: listener from South Carolina and I came upon this story
Speaker 3: while scrolling social media. Had to read it to make
Speaker 3: sure this was not Tanya Love a huge Tanya taught Brook.
Speaker 3: Here's the article women arrested after driving over one hundred
Speaker 3: miles per hour to watch Love Island. Tanya, were you
Speaker 3: in Arizona recently?
Speaker 1: This was not me. You could have been, It could
Speaker 1: have been, It could have been, But it was not me.
Speaker 1: She was maybe season six, but not seasoning.
Speaker 2: No no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 3: She's going one hundred and eight and a sixty five
Speaker 3: mile prior zone. She was trying to get home fast
Speaker 3: to watch Love Island, to make it home in time.
Speaker 5: You know.
Speaker 1: I do have to say though, now that Love Island
Speaker 1: is bigger than it was before. I could watch Love
Speaker 1: Island at my leisure. Now, if I don't watch it
Speaker 1: the day it comes out, I'm getting spoilers on social media.
Speaker 1: So I understand the speeding because the spoilers do be coming.
Speaker 1: And even me, somebody like, if you don't watch it
Speaker 1: at six pm on the nose, you're getting spoilers, Like
Speaker 1: I watch them before I go to bed, so it's
Speaker 1: like eight o'clock at night, and I've already seen like
Speaker 1: some of the crotch stuff, you know, so.
Speaker 2: Broke crotch stuff, well, like the girth check.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the check. I'm seeing all this stuff on social media,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't want to see that. So
Speaker 1: I understand the speeding.
Speaker 2: Well, here's the thing though, it's it's a sometimes you're
Speaker 2: speeding to rush home so you don't miss it, and
Speaker 2: then you get pulled over and put you even further
Speaker 2: back with a ticket.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true. It's never as no.
Speaker 2: If she got a ticket or not, that's the important part.
Speaker 2: Did Love Island to get her out of the ticket?
Speaker 2: I imagine no.
Speaker 3: I She was arrested and booked on charges of pel
Speaker 3: speed and her vehicle was impounded for twenty days.
Speaker 2: Shes just a way, just drive the speed limit. It'll
Speaker 2: be there when you get home. Okay, we will be.
Speaker 2: We're leaving. We're done.
Speaker 1: Audios, audios.
Speaker 2: We love y'all so much. I love you a wonderful weekend.
Speaker 6: Bye.