Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast.
Speaker 2: Rachel Dealto It's going to be on this week's Whine
Speaker 2: About It Thursday episode. She is a communication and relatability expert,
Speaker 2: media personality keynote speaker MC and the author of Relatable
Speaker 2: How to Connect with Anyone Anywhere Even if It scares You.
Speaker 3: Let's get her on.
Speaker 4: I barely brush my hair today.
Speaker 2: Girlfriend, I have no makeup on. I don't think I
Speaker 2: brushed my hair either. You're good, awesome, O, you are
Speaker 2: so good.
Speaker 4: I'm a mess. We've got so much noise, so hopefully
Speaker 4: you can't hear anything.
Speaker 3: Rachel, Where do you Where do you live?
Speaker 4: I'm in New Jersey?
Speaker 3: Okay? Is that where you're born and raised?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 4: I was.
Speaker 1: Actually I was born and raised like ten minutes from here,
Speaker 1: and I went away from Hot Minute, almost went to
Speaker 1: La like ten years ago, and then I ended up
Speaker 1: falling in love and ruined my life because I have
Speaker 1: to stay here in New Jersey.
Speaker 3: Now, So your husband was from New Jersey.
Speaker 1: He's in New Jersey. Actually we're getting married in about
Speaker 1: a month. Oh yeah, And so he lives here and
Speaker 1: had kids and so kind of like firmly planted.
Speaker 4: Which is fine.
Speaker 3: How long were you guys dating for?
Speaker 1: We've been dating for so Actually the la move started,
Speaker 1: The idea started like ten years ago, and I was
Speaker 1: going to do it.
Speaker 4: We got together six years ago.
Speaker 1: Okay, so right around there where I was, I was
Speaker 1: looking at places and then I met him.
Speaker 3: Oh I love that, and then he said he's got kids.
Speaker 4: He's got kids. I've got kids.
Speaker 1: We have a lot of kids, so it's it is
Speaker 1: a busy household, but they're they're a little bit older,
Speaker 1: so it's not that kind of crazy, you know, like
Speaker 1: there's no toddlers running around anymore.
Speaker 4: People like my daughter.
Speaker 1: My youngest is thirteen, and so she's pretty self sufficient.
Speaker 3: How is that thirteen girl who?
Speaker 4: It depends on the day. I have to say she
Speaker 4: was much crazier as a young child than she is
Speaker 4: as a thirteen year old.
Speaker 1: She's actually really kind and kind of quieter and just
Speaker 1: not She's not a jerk yet, so that's cool.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's usually that happens. We'll gets.
Speaker 2: It's like I think I was fifteen when I went
Speaker 2: to the jerk. I don't like it or like the
Speaker 2: but I've heard that it gets now, like you know,
Speaker 2: thirteen fourteen is.
Speaker 4: Like age, but I'm prepared, Like I I'm prepared. I
Speaker 4: just I like wine, so that's helpful.
Speaker 1: And I feel like it's gonna be okay, right, And
Speaker 1: she is like she's the youngest of everyone, So I
Speaker 1: feel like, what's your oldest twenty two?
Speaker 4: You like?
Speaker 3: From you?
Speaker 4: From me?
Speaker 1: Okay? Me?
Speaker 2: I mean you look like you're like in your early thirties.
Speaker 4: Oh you're my new best friend.
Speaker 3: No, but I'm serious, Like, how how old are you?
Speaker 4: I'm forty three?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't so then okay, So then you started
Speaker 2: young having kids then I was.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was still super young, but yeah, so I
Speaker 1: had him when I was twenty one. And he is
Speaker 1: actually graduating from college in two weeks and he's in
Speaker 1: the background me trying to get an apartment because he
Speaker 1: found a job, and he's like going to become a
Speaker 1: member of society.
Speaker 4: And I feel very proud that I have not raised
Speaker 4: a degenerate yet. But there's still time.
Speaker 2: So so your book, though, I'm it's called relatable, and
Speaker 2: I was reading the breakdown of it and was there
Speaker 2: something like in your life where you're like, were you
Speaker 2: socially awkward? Like how did you get into this, uh,
Speaker 2: like with your with your book.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's definitely spawned from my own journey. I
Speaker 1: definitely was very socially awkward when I was younger. I
Speaker 1: was actually part of the opening story in the book
Speaker 1: as I talk about kind of how desperate I was
Speaker 1: for friendship, because by fifth grade, I was eating lunch
Speaker 1: with my teacher and it just was, you know, it
Speaker 1: was kind of a bummer, but it was just one
Speaker 1: of those experiences where I realized how important it was
Speaker 1: to develop those social skills and put yourself into positions
Speaker 1: where you could find people and find friends. And so
Speaker 1: as I got older, and you know, things started to
Speaker 1: shift in seventh eighth grade, and then by the time
Speaker 1: I got.
Speaker 4: To high school, I felt like I was kind.
Speaker 1: Of doing okay, and then it definitely my skills continued
Speaker 1: to grow. But then I always saw where people who
Speaker 1: had that social anxiety or social awkwardness would have such
Speaker 1: troubles and it was just really difficult to connect with people,
Speaker 1: and it has such an impact on our lives.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what do you think some of the social skills
Speaker 2: that people suffer or deal with in conversations and social settings.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think, well, there's a couple of things.
Speaker 1: I think the initial conversation is always difficult for people.
Speaker 1: I hear so often whether we're talking about it from
Speaker 1: a dating standpoint, and it's trying to, you know, start
Speaker 1: a conversation with someone they're interested romantically, to even making friends.
Speaker 1: I have a friend who just moved to Florida and
Speaker 1: she's trying to meet new people and she calls me,
Speaker 1: She's like, Rachel, it's so difficult to start a conversation
Speaker 1: with someone and not feel weird and uncomfortable. And I
Speaker 1: think above all, we're just afraid. We're afraid of being rejected,
Speaker 1: We're afraid of being judged, and so instead of putting
Speaker 1: ourselves out there and beginning those conversations, we just, you know,
Speaker 1: we don't do it. And then it becomes harder when
Speaker 1: you're not doing it, because I think social skills are
Speaker 1: like a muscle, and the more that you do it
Speaker 1: and the more conversations you have, the easier it becomes.
Speaker 1: But it's kind of jumping off that led to the
Speaker 1: people that have the initial.
Speaker 2: Trouble with Yeah, it's interesting because you'll have conversations with
Speaker 2: my brother and you know, he's a very, very opposite.
Speaker 2: He's one of my closest friends. But he's he's very introverted,
Speaker 2: he's very quiet. He's also the funniest person in a
Speaker 2: room if he can open up, and when he really
Speaker 2: gets to know someone, like that's when he really opens up.
Speaker 2: But we were saying something and you know, I could
Speaker 2: just tell that he was a little bit down, and like, Steve,
Speaker 2: why don't you go out with you know, some of
Speaker 2: your friends, like I don't have any friends. And I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: because you're choosing that, like you're not putting yourself out
Speaker 2: there to do it. And it's like I know that
Speaker 2: it's it, like you know, your friend said, like it is,
Speaker 2: it's so hard. But like if you don't then you
Speaker 2: have no friends. So I'm like both, Like both options
Speaker 2: don't look good to me, but I'd rather try than
Speaker 2: like not, you know, so I'm like, all you have
Speaker 2: to do is He's like, well, we'm I supposed to say?
Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, just be like, hey, do you
Speaker 2: want to go grab a beer? He's like, well, you know,
Speaker 2: I'm just like, oh my gosh, Like come.
Speaker 1: On, yeah, well we overthink it, right, Everything comes down
Speaker 1: to overthinking, Oh my gosh, why what'll they think if
Speaker 1: I say this?
Speaker 4: Or what'll they think if I say that?
Speaker 1: And then especially for introverts too, because it's so much
Speaker 1: energy expended. So then it's then they start thinking, am
Speaker 1: I going to waste my energy on this person? And
Speaker 1: so it becomes this cycle and then they end up
Speaker 1: not connecting with anyone and that doesn't work for them either.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then what about for the people because I
Speaker 2: used to do this, like I would I try too hard, right,
Speaker 2: so I would like insert myself in conversations, and like,
Speaker 2: now if someone does that, it it actually drives me
Speaker 2: crazy because I'm like, this person's trying too hard to
Speaker 2: like be in this conversation and now I'm actually now
Speaker 2: I'm annoyed, and now I'm gonna you know, and I
Speaker 2: have a really hard time like hiding that. So I'm like,
Speaker 2: but I'm also have empathy too to go. I used
Speaker 2: to be that person as well, trying to insert myself
Speaker 2: because I wanted, you know, I wanted a friend, or
Speaker 2: I wanted someone to like me, or I wanted and
Speaker 2: so it's like you want to be a part of it.
Speaker 2: But also if you insert yourself too much, then you're
Speaker 2: just looked as this annoying person.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And that's the challenge with that is, you know,
Speaker 1: it's using that skill and it's finding those situations where
Speaker 1: you're accepted in them and then constantly adjusting to read
Speaker 1: the room. And I think that's something that grows with
Speaker 1: more emotional intelligence. But you have to keep doing it
Speaker 1: even if you are in those beginning stages. That person
Speaker 1: that people might find a little bit annoying.
Speaker 4: That's okay. Those just probably aren't your people to start
Speaker 4: talking to initially.
Speaker 1: You're going to have to find, you know, some people
Speaker 1: who are probably a little bit more like you and
Speaker 1: just allow yourself the ability to work on them.
Speaker 4: But I get it too, because I see.
Speaker 1: That, you know, we all have kind of different radars,
Speaker 1: and you know that pick me energy can be kind
Speaker 1: of a turn off.
Speaker 4: So self awareness around that can be kind of good.
Speaker 4: But also I'd.
Speaker 1: Rather people do something and do it wrong than do
Speaker 1: nothing and not have a possibility of you know, at
Speaker 1: least throwing speakt against the wall and seeing what sticks, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Because I'm like, I don't want anyone to like,
Speaker 2: I don't want rather to not have friends or you know,
Speaker 2: it's like I want people to there's certain people that
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I'd love to be you know, closer
Speaker 2: with them or in that mom group or but at
Speaker 2: the same time, I'm also like, I'm very happy with
Speaker 2: my queendom of friends and the tribes because it is
Speaker 2: it's not so much rejection now, it's the time that
Speaker 2: I do have that I'm like, yes, I've got kids,
Speaker 2: I'm a single mom. Like I'm like, I'm already spread
Speaker 2: so thin, and I feel like, you know, there's people
Speaker 2: that like invite me to places and like I want
Speaker 2: to go, like because I'm like I see them trying,
Speaker 2: and like I also want to, but I'm just physically
Speaker 2: don't like have the time or the capacity to like
Speaker 2: fit other people into like my space, and so like
Speaker 2: trying to figure that piece out too has been you
Speaker 2: know interesting in this age.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's tough. I mean I've been there. Obviously.
Speaker 1: We're just saying, I know I was a single mom
Speaker 1: and trying to figure out who's kind of energy worthy,
Speaker 1: whose babysit are worthy was my question, you know, whether
Speaker 1: it was a friend data I thought, you know, I
Speaker 1: really like my couch, but I want to make sure
Speaker 1: that the use of my time is well spent. And
Speaker 1: the beauty of it is, though, is that you have
Speaker 1: those people in your world that fill you up. You
Speaker 1: have your kids who you know, that's a socialization right
Speaker 1: there that a.
Speaker 4: Lot of people don't have.
Speaker 1: And you sound like you have a group of friends
Speaker 1: and all it takes is one. I think that's something
Speaker 1: I would love people to understand is you don't have
Speaker 1: to have this monster group of people. You don't have
Speaker 1: to feel bad because you only have one really good friend.
Speaker 1: You just need to find that person that kind of
Speaker 1: gets you and supports you and gives you that access
Speaker 1: to socialization to really offset so many negative consequences of loneliness.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, I know I love that, Like I feel
Speaker 2: like I have like my my I say, like I
Speaker 2: got like five right because it's like they're But I
Speaker 2: agree with you, like you only truly do need one.
Speaker 2: But I love the small group that I do have
Speaker 2: that it's because different a p So sometimes we can
Speaker 2: fall Like I remember when I just had one there,
Speaker 2: I probably wasn't like I needed someone to combat me
Speaker 2: a little bit more instead of stay in my misery
Speaker 2: with me.
Speaker 3: Does that make sense?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Absolutely, So, like.
Speaker 2: That probably wasn't the best one that I had, but
Speaker 2: I think I almost attracted the one just because like
Speaker 2: I wanted that, like, yeah, you're totally right kind of person.
Speaker 2: And but that's just in this day and age is
Speaker 2: not the healthiest thing to have. So it's like, you know,
Speaker 2: realizing that, like, okay, you need maybe a well rounded
Speaker 2: group of like people that will kind of either a
Speaker 2: call you on your stuff, be there for you, support
Speaker 2: you all of it.
Speaker 1: You know absolutely well, even talking about romantic relationships, obviously
Speaker 1: you don't want your you don't want to put all
Speaker 1: of your expectations for every facet of your personality in
Speaker 1: your life on one person, on your partner, and so
Speaker 1: having a group of people where it's like I know,
Speaker 1: for me, I have the friend that I call if
Speaker 1: I need to cry. I have the friend that I
Speaker 1: call if I need to have my butt kicked. I
Speaker 1: have the friend you know that probably isn't listening when
Speaker 1: I call right right people for.
Speaker 4: Different aspects of our lives.
Speaker 1: And you know, acknowledging that and being aware of it
Speaker 1: can actually really benefit you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's that's so true. I definitely could like.
Speaker 2: Label each one like which one I would call for
Speaker 2: or you know, yeah, truly what is your biggest piece
Speaker 2: of advice for the person that is uncomfortable like starting
Speaker 2: that conversation. Like I know you said, well it's better
Speaker 2: to try, but like, is there something that can like
Speaker 2: if there's socially awkward but also just you know, not
Speaker 2: comfortable in opening up as well, Because for me, it's
Speaker 2: like I can go in and I'll tell you my
Speaker 2: whole life story when I meet you. Other people it's
Speaker 2: and when people when people don't, I'm like, oh, they're
Speaker 2: they're too closed off for me. But it's like that
Speaker 2: is actually not true. They just need a minute to
Speaker 2: warm up, right, or you know, some people just aren't
Speaker 2: as willing to share certain things with leap fran strangers.
Speaker 2: But like what would you say for the people that
Speaker 2: like are just like they want they want to, they're
Speaker 2: just shy.
Speaker 1: I think the baby steps is where it is, you know,
Speaker 1: and it's really about finding certain situations where you're more
Speaker 1: comfortable than others and not judging yourself if you're you know,
Speaker 1: choosing kind of an easier path or or finding people
Speaker 1: who feel more friendly and really just choosing where you're
Speaker 1: going to take that initial step in a space that
Speaker 1: feels more nurturing. And for some people, and I know
Speaker 1: this is probably going to be I don't know if
Speaker 1: the word controversial is really it, but you know, it
Speaker 1: is a controversial when we think about online offline and
Speaker 1: if someone's super shy and they want to start those
Speaker 1: connections and they want to start connecting with people, maybe
Speaker 1: it's someone that they knew in school, or maybe it's
Speaker 1: somebody they've been connected with online that they want to
Speaker 1: get to know better. Start online, send messages, you know,
Speaker 1: start commenting on their Instagram or their tiktoks and starting
Speaker 1: to have a conversation that way, so it feels more
Speaker 1: comfortable in real.
Speaker 4: Life, you know. And so that's kind of like a.
Speaker 1: Really super baby step where people feel a lot more
Speaker 1: confident in who they are because they're able to very
Speaker 1: curate their what they say. And then it's really just
Speaker 1: finding people I think that you have commonality with is
Speaker 1: something that always to me creates this opportunity to have
Speaker 1: a good reception. So if you know, maybe your brother
Speaker 1: is a musician and he finds, you know, some music
Speaker 1: related group or some music related event where it's smaller
Speaker 1: and intimate and people are having conversations, being able to
Speaker 1: talk about something that you're passionate about or interested in
Speaker 1: is so much easier than talking about yourself. So really
Speaker 1: finding kind of those those segues into something that could
Speaker 1: turn into a vulnerable conversation but starts off as like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you know I just took this crazy
Speaker 1: kickboxing class versus I'm going to tell you my deep
Speaker 1: dark secrets. Right.
Speaker 2: Was there a chapter in the book where you had
Speaker 2: a difficult time writing because it's something that you personally
Speaker 2: struggle with.
Speaker 1: I think sharing about my first marriage was the hardest one,
Speaker 1: just because one, I you know, you've been there. It's
Speaker 1: kind of hard to write about those things. And it's
Speaker 1: also I was very protective with my kids because I
Speaker 1: knew at some point not.
Speaker 4: That they'll ever pick up my book. I think they've
Speaker 4: picked it up.
Speaker 1: I don't know if they've opened it, but you know,
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that I'm respectful of the
Speaker 1: fact that I'm talking about things that are part of
Speaker 1: their life too.
Speaker 4: And so that was the hardest part.
Speaker 1: Is and that for me, is an interesting thing to
Speaker 1: think about because I'm all about vulnerability and I'm all
Speaker 1: about sharing the parts of us that aren't so pretty.
Speaker 4: And that was a and a very very important.
Speaker 1: Part of my life that was not the prettiest and
Speaker 1: was probably the most difficult and.
Speaker 4: The most growth associated with it.
Speaker 3: Do you think you found a good balance with it?
Speaker 4: I do. I made a lot of people.
Speaker 1: Read it, Yeah, because I trust myself, and you know,
Speaker 1: probably the version that I wrote for this book would
Speaker 1: have been different ten years ago. You know, the book
Speaker 1: that I wrote today is very different than the book
Speaker 1: that I would have written five years ago.
Speaker 4: So I think that changed.
Speaker 1: So a lot of times when we're sharing personal information
Speaker 1: or vulnerable stories, we have to make sure that.
Speaker 4: Edge is off. So that's been filed down quite a
Speaker 4: bit over the years.
Speaker 2: I hear I'm kind of working on something and I've
Speaker 2: had to go back now countless times to go, Okay,
Speaker 2: that's hurt. Right now, I'm going to take this. And
Speaker 2: there's also protection of kids, and it's also you know,
Speaker 2: but also telling the truth and you know my version and.
Speaker 3: You know, so it's like it's.
Speaker 2: It's interesting though, when I have like gone back to
Speaker 2: kind of like relook at things, and like you see
Speaker 2: your growth in that too, the things that you want
Speaker 2: to take away because you're like, well, does that really
Speaker 2: need to be in there because like, who is that really?
Speaker 2: It's like, it's all you know, divorce is tough, it's itchy,
Speaker 2: it's hard, we all have feelings and stuff with it.
Speaker 2: It's like, but if you can be proud of what
Speaker 2: comes out and go, you know, I walked away with this.
Speaker 2: Here's my story, wasn't It's not easy to tell and
Speaker 2: I did it the best I could, you know, So
Speaker 2: I think that's that's great that you did that.
Speaker 1: That's such an important filter to push it through. Of like,
Speaker 1: and also just realizing what is the service here? Yeah,
Speaker 1: what does the story serve? And and figuring out what
Speaker 1: elements serve the purpose of actually putting it out there?
Speaker 2: Sure, exactly what do you want people to walk away
Speaker 2: from the most with your book?
Speaker 1: I want them to walk away with hope. And it
Speaker 1: sounds so Pollyanna when I say that out.
Speaker 4: I don't think I've ever.
Speaker 1: Said that like that before, but that's really what I
Speaker 1: want because it really does upset me how lonely this
Speaker 1: world is, and I know how horrible that feels because
Speaker 1: I've been there. And so if I could allow people
Speaker 1: to walk away with hope of actually curing some of
Speaker 1: that loneliness and connecting with people and then utilizing it.
Speaker 1: Part of the reason why I wrote the book the
Speaker 1: way I did is because there's so many different facets
Speaker 1: of connection. There's so many different facets of relationships, whether
Speaker 1: it's friendship, whether it's workplace relationships, or if it's romantic.
Speaker 1: I want people to be better in all of those
Speaker 1: because I know that when you have good relationships in
Speaker 1: all of those areas, you're better, You.
Speaker 4: Feel better, your life is better, you're happier.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, well, everybody go get Rachel Dialto's book Relatable How
Speaker 2: to Connect with anyone anywhere, even if it scares you
Speaker 2: and it's all scary, So it is fine, it's all scary,
Speaker 2: but books like that will help you get to the
Speaker 2: first step. So thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2: And good luck with all the construction, because you know,
Speaker 2: we're all sorry, no, we're all on the journey in construction.
Speaker 2: You know, it's just life like we're all we're all
Speaker 2: constructing as we go.
Speaker 4: So just right outside my window.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love it. But thank you and congrats on
Speaker 3: your book.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much, honey. All right bye,