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Speaker 1: Hi, is this Franklin?

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Speaker 2: Hello?

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Speaker 1: How are you doing? Franklin?

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Speaker 2: You know I'm doing very good.

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Speaker 1: How you get I'm doing good myself. I love your voice.

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Speaker 1: You have a great diaphragm.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I've worked a lot on it in my lifetime,

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Speaker 2: I guess. So that's that's very nice of you to say.

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Speaker 1: Really you've worked on your voice. This is not a

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Speaker 1: natural thing you were born with. This is something that

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Speaker 1: you had to put active effort into.

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Speaker 2: Well, I mean partly yes and partly no. You know,

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Speaker 2: like I feel like, compared to most people, I have

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Speaker 2: to make quite a conscious effort as to what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: You know, like I've always said that most others are

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Speaker 2: on like a driving and automatic when it comes to communication,

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Speaker 2: whereas I'm driving a manual car. But also, you know,

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Speaker 2: like I've been told since I was like thirteen, I'm

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Speaker 2: a deep voice. So that's one thing I actually a British.

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Speaker 2: I'm not like faking my accent. That's not one way

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Speaker 2: that I've worked my boy.

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Speaker 1: So I like what you said just now. You said

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Speaker 1: that most people are when they're when they're talking, they're

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Speaker 1: driving an automatic, But you're driving a manual, so you're

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Speaker 1: putting a lot of effort and thought behind each annunciation

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Speaker 1: of each letter of each word exactly.

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Speaker 2: Not only that, but like I used to be a

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Speaker 2: big theater kid, and like all the time my drama

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Speaker 2: teacher would she'd just like be so serious about enunciation

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Speaker 2: and stuff, and like I definitely indoctrinated that, And and

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Speaker 2: annunciation is something that's quite important to me, isn't that?

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Speaker 1: It exhausting though, having to think so much about every

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Speaker 1: single thing that you say, Oh.

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Speaker 2: Very tiring. It's like so unbelievably tiring. Like scripting is

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Speaker 2: a really bad thing for me because I literally can't

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Speaker 2: go into a conversation without like preparing what I'm going

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Speaker 2: to say and what I think the other person is

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Speaker 2: going to say.

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Speaker 1: Hmm, okay, let's dive into that here. Scripting so you

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Speaker 1: script out to the best of your ability, using the

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Speaker 1: knowledge that you have available to you almost all of

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Speaker 1: your own reactions.

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Speaker 2: Yes, definitely, And like a lot it's really bad because

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Speaker 2: a lot of the time I will just try and

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Speaker 2: script a conversation, and if I can't, if it doesn't

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Speaker 2: go the way that I want it to in my head,

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Speaker 2: I will just completely avoid the interaction overall. And it

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Speaker 2: leads to not the best of communication.

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Speaker 1: But so much of conversation is not just preparing what

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Speaker 1: you're going to say beforehand. It's responding in real time

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Speaker 1: to what the other person is going to say. So

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Speaker 1: how do you account for that when you don't know

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Speaker 1: what the other person is going to say?

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Speaker 2: It's so interesting because that is such a huge thing

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Speaker 2: in conversation For me, is like I hate having to

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Speaker 2: react to what people are going to say, especially if

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Speaker 2: they're like telling me a story that I again, it

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Speaker 2: feels so annual that I'm forcing myself to be like, oh,

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Speaker 2: that's so interesting, or like it feels like life is

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Speaker 2: just this huge improv show. And that's why I like

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Speaker 2: improvisation and theater that has helped me a lot, because

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Speaker 2: it's all about like trusting your own instincts and like

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Speaker 2: saying the first thing that comes to mind. But it's

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Speaker 2: so much easier said than done.

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Speaker 1: Why do you think you script so much of your conversations?

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Speaker 1: Where do you think that desire comes from.

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Speaker 2: I think it's like, because I've had so many failed

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Speaker 2: social interactions in my life that I'm able to recognize

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Speaker 2: this pattern of what people expect from me in conversation

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Speaker 2: slash what my abilities in conversation are? I guess, and

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Speaker 2: you know, like I really if I have a social

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Speaker 2: interaction that goes not well, I will fixate on it

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Speaker 2: literally the whole day and be like, you're such an idiot,

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Speaker 2: like why did you say that?

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Speaker 1: And you said this that that this fixation on social

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Speaker 1: interactions is something that happens to you to this day.

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Speaker 2: Yes, definitely.

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Speaker 1: Let me ask you this, when you say a failed

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Speaker 1: social interaction, what does that mean? What is the rubric

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Speaker 1: for failure in your eyes?

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Speaker 2: Basically, Like with failed social interactions, a lot of the time,

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Speaker 2: it's just to do with like how I was acting

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Speaker 2: in the conversation and that like sometimes I can just

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Speaker 2: be really awkward and say things that aren't like too

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Speaker 2: socially acceptable, but they were in my head or a

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Speaker 2: lot of you make a joke.

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Speaker 1: Can we get an example of something that you can

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Speaker 1: think of in recent memory that you said that in

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Speaker 1: your head was socially acceptable, but when you said it,

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Speaker 1: it wasn't.

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Speaker 2: Like a concrete example. I'm not sure. I'm sure I

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Speaker 2: can think of like an exact quote of what I

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Speaker 2: said that Usually it's when I overestimate how mentally ill.

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Speaker 2: Others are like, I forget that not everyone is mentally ill,

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Speaker 2: and I will just kind of like trauma down to

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Speaker 2: something in conversation and people will be like, oh, that's weird,

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, fuck, I wish I never said anything interesting.

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Speaker 1: All right, So you feel like you might be, uh,

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Speaker 1: what they like to call an oversharer.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, I have such an issue with oversharing interesting.

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Speaker 1: Have you spoken to a real therapist about this? I'm curious.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, quite a few.

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Speaker 1: What do they tell you?

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Speaker 2: That's the thing is that I don't know a lot

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Speaker 2: of them don't really want to focus on that aspect

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Speaker 2: of my mental health. A lot of them just try.

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Speaker 2: And it's so hard to put into words, but like basically,

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Speaker 2: like all this stuff to do with communication is to

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Speaker 2: do with my autism basically, and therapists never seem to

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Speaker 2: want to talk about autism. It's like very frustrating because

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Speaker 2: and it's also very invalidating because you know, I mentioned

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Speaker 2: something and it like affects almost every aspect of my

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Speaker 2: life that they just want to talk about, like oh, well,

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Speaker 2: have you been sleeping well or did you eat well

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Speaker 2: or something like that. I'm just like, yeah, I don't

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Speaker 2: really care, Like, you.

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Speaker 1: Know, so you've tried to bring up your autism to

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Speaker 1: therapists and they won't talk to you about it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, especially before I was like diagnosed and stuff.

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Speaker 2: And when I was trying to get diagnosed, the therapists

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Speaker 2: just like were really iffy about it and didn't want

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Speaker 2: to get into that process or help me with it

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Speaker 2: at all. It's like, why so many people self diagnosed

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Speaker 2: with autism because therapists just like aren't helpful about it

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Speaker 2: and they make the process for getting diagnosed really difficult.

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Speaker 1: M let's bring up what you wrote here on the

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Speaker 1: screening notes because I find this interesting. It says here

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Speaker 1: that you figured out that you were autistic after a

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Speaker 1: bad trip on mushrooms.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, what was that? Yeah, So it was the first

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Speaker 2: time I'd ever done psychedelics, and it was my first

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Speaker 2: year at UNI, and I the first mistake I made

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Speaker 2: was that I took shrooms the same day that I

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Speaker 2: actually had a therapy session literally like half an hour before,

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Speaker 2: and it was not a very good one, and so

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Speaker 2: I was not exactly in the best headspace. But then

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Speaker 2: we took the shrooms and I didn't like see anything crazy.

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Speaker 2: That's the thing, Like I was still getting visuals. People's

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Speaker 2: faces looked weird. Everything was like wavy and stuff like that.

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Speaker 2: But the first thing I started to notice was how

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Speaker 2: much I was overthinking, and also how much I didn't

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Speaker 2: want to be around other people. And like, I started

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Speaker 2: having this huge identity crisis and I literally couldn't stop

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Speaker 2: fixating on it because I was like, I realized that

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Speaker 2: I basically just replicate the personality and persona of whoever

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Speaker 2: I'm talking to or interacting with, And I was like

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Speaker 2: why do I do that? And I kept thinking, like

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Speaker 2: why do I do that so much? And it's because

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Speaker 2: I have this like deep rooted fear of people finding

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Speaker 2: out that I'm not normal, and so, you know, and

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Speaker 2: it also goes back to when I was like a

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Speaker 2: little kid, and I was also a non normal kid,

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Speaker 2: and you know, I figured out from a young age

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Speaker 2: that the best way to get other people's validation is

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Speaker 2: by making them laugh, and so you know, from then on,

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Speaker 2: I became like class clown and stuff like that. And

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Speaker 2: so yeah, like when I was having a bad trip,

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Speaker 2: I was overthinking so much and the only way to

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Speaker 2: come myself down was by doing like really repetitive and

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Speaker 2: like stimulating things, like we were watching music videos. Like

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Speaker 2: I just kept putting on music videos because you're getting

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Speaker 2: that auditory stimuli and the visual stimuli, which is really cool.

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about really quick before I move on,

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Speaker 1: because I this peaked my curiosity and I don't want

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Speaker 1: to move on from it. You said that you mirror

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Speaker 1: the personality of whoever you're talking to, and you believe

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Speaker 1: that you do that because you are insecure about your

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Speaker 1: own personality because you believe it is weird. Is that accurate? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: why do you believe that your personality is weird?

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Speaker 2: Well? I was bullied a lot when I was younger,

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Speaker 2: in like primary school and stuff. Kids, You know that

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Speaker 2: all the time they would tell me that I was

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Speaker 2: gay before I even I knew what gay meant, or

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Speaker 2: before I was even like thinking about sexuality and stuff.

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Speaker 2: Because I've never I've never really had I've never perceived

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Speaker 2: the world or anything in like a gendered way. That's

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Speaker 2: also another thing to do with autism. There's that like

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Speaker 2: a lot of the time ORTO two people don't perceive

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Speaker 2: gender norms in that sort of way. And that led

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Speaker 2: to me, you know, I was always like, why is

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Speaker 2: it girly for me to, you know, sing Beyonce, Why

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Speaker 2: is it girly for me to paint my nails or

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Speaker 2: like pretend to be a mermaid with my friends. I

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Speaker 2: never understood the concept of cooties. I was like, cooties

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Speaker 2: are so stupid that literally doesn't make any sense. Even

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Speaker 2: as like a six year old, I was like, why

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Speaker 2: can't I be friends with girls? And so yeah, all

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Speaker 2: the time, I was bullied a lot, and that led

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Speaker 2: to a lot of like me, especially around other guys.

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Speaker 2: I would feel this really strong and toxic urge to

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Speaker 2: like perform masculinity. And the thing is, I've gotten so

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Speaker 2: much better over time at not doing that, but I

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Speaker 2: still I still mask, and I still basically just give

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Speaker 2: the person I'm interacting with whatever they want. Basically, Well, let.

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Speaker 1: Me tell you this. And I'm not a real therapist,

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Speaker 1: and maybe this is a reductive response to to trauma,

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Speaker 1: but I'm gonna hail Mary. I'm gonna say it anyway.

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Speaker 1: I'm you know, when when was this bullying taking place?

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Speaker 1: When you were like what ten, thirteen, twelve?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah, around like preteenage and you're and you're.

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Speaker 1: You're twenty years old, now, yes, you know, thirteen year old,

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Speaker 1: twelve year old, eleven year old boys, they're fucked up

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Speaker 1: and they're a little mean, and it's not a it's

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Speaker 1: not a fun environment to be in when you're autistic,

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Speaker 1: when you have all these sort of things that you're

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Speaker 1: going through, and you know your your community of peers

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Speaker 1: is not emotionally mature enough to, you know, know how

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Speaker 1: to accept you for as you are. And that's a

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Speaker 1: fucking bummer, man. And I get that now that you're twenty,

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Speaker 1: now that you're an adult, you have access to the

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Speaker 1: entirety of the world, which I do believe is filled

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Speaker 1: with people who are understanding and caring. And I think

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Speaker 1: that you know, in this one life that you have, Franklin,

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Speaker 1: you should feel empowered to let go of how you

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Speaker 1: were treated when you were younger and be however the

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Speaker 1: fuck you are. Definitely, what do you think about that?

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Speaker 1: What is your response to that idea?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, I want to do that so much. I

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Speaker 2: literally like that's the dream and I'm working on it.

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Speaker 2: And you know that's why I'm like going through therapy

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Speaker 2: and stuff and I literally just got diagnosable to this.

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Speaker 1: You got you finally got diagnosed by an actual by

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Speaker 1: a mushroom thing.

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Speaker 2: Yes, exactly. And the beautiful thing about it is that

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Speaker 2: one of the most helpful resources wasn't like the therapists

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Speaker 2: or like the Internet and stuff like that. It was

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Speaker 2: other autistic people that helped me realize that I was

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Speaker 2: autistic because I've and from that, I've formed like such

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Speaker 2: a huge community and safe net of autistic people on

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Speaker 2: Tiptop that I'm friends with or that follow me. And

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Speaker 2: it's honestly just like really crazy because I didn't know

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Speaker 2: that there were other people out there that think like me.

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Speaker 2: I always thought I was just broken and everyone else

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Speaker 2: thought it the same way, and so it's very comforting

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Speaker 2: that And like, autism is literally like the most specific

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Speaker 2: thing ever, Like there's some symptoms that are just so

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Speaker 2: fucking specific that I'm like, that's crazy that we share

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Speaker 2: that in common.

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Speaker 1: Well, I'm a big fan. Let me tell you this.

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking about this right now as I'm talking to you.

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Speaker 1: I've taught We've talked to other autistic callers on the

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Speaker 1: show who have like expressed uh like anxiety over how

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Speaker 1: they're presenting themselves in social situations. But like the other

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Speaker 1: autistic people have talked to on the show, but very

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Speaker 1: good at at at talking, like they know when to

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Speaker 1: pause and let me speak there if they're good listeners,

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Speaker 1: Like it's it's I almost think that the the this

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Speaker 1: whole thing that you're doing where you're you're putting a

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Speaker 1: lot of thought and effort into social interactions. I know

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Speaker 1: why it's exhausting. It sounds like it's exhausting, but it's

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Speaker 1: it's it's it's working. I mean, even this conversation I'm

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Speaker 1: having with you right now, you know, I wouldn't think

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Speaker 1: that that you were socially awkward at all.

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Speaker 2: No, definitely. I I think it goes back to like

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Speaker 2: what I was saying that with, like, it's not that

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Speaker 2: autistic people don't understand a lot of social norms and

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Speaker 2: stuff like that, it's that they don't come naturally to us.

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Speaker 2: And that's the whole thing with like being on manual

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Speaker 2: versus automatic, is that I work a much more conscious effort. Yes, exactly.

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Speaker 1: Yeah hmm. So you've been able to find a community

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Speaker 1: of other artistic people went on TikTok and read it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's amazing.

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Speaker 1: That's awesome man. So I mean, how do you feel

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Speaker 1: about your trajectory in terms of what we talked about,

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Speaker 1: of you eventually coming to terms with who you are

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Speaker 1: and being a little bit more comfortable expressing that.

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Speaker 2: I think it's it's very interesting because I think I'm

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Speaker 2: very much on the trajectory of doing that, but there's

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Speaker 2: steps that I need to take. Like one of the

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Speaker 2: biggest steps initially for me was breaking up with my

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Speaker 2: ex girlfriend, and I didn't realize how much I was,

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Speaker 2: you know, performing for her and changing my personality to

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Speaker 2: cater hers. And I think the next step, honestly is

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Speaker 2: like moving out of my family's house, because like, I

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Speaker 2: love them so much, but they just don't really understand.

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Speaker 2: And they also they simultaneously know I'm autistic that they

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Speaker 2: also don't really want to accommodate for me in any

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Speaker 2: sort of way, And you know that's just tiring.

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Speaker 1: Sure, sure, well, Franklin, I I'm really I'm glad to

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Speaker 1: hear it seems like you've been on quite a journey,

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Speaker 1: and it seems like you're on an upward trajectory with this.

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Speaker 1: You definitely seem like you're very aware of all these

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Speaker 1: issues and you're currently working to fix them. I'm not

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Speaker 1: telling you anything that you don't already know, but you

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Speaker 1: don't need to perform for people. I love, man. You know,

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Speaker 1: people are so doom Marie about the internet. But I

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Speaker 1: love that you can go from you know, being thirteen

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Speaker 1: and just having all these people around who just don't

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Speaker 1: and don't even want to try to understand you, to

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Speaker 1: finding a community of people where you go, Oh the fuck,

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Speaker 1: I'm not crazy. This is a real thing that other

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Speaker 1: people are experiencing as well. I'm glad you were able

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Speaker 1: to find Yeah.

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Speaker 2: It's useful, Yeah, definitely.

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Speaker 1: Frankly, is there anything you want to say to the

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Speaker 1: people of the computer before we go?

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Speaker 2: Yes, I have a question for you, Lyle.

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Speaker 1: You're from Maryland, right, Oh yeah, I'm from Maryland.

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Speaker 2: Why what's your opinion on the flag of Maryland? Uh?

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Speaker 1: You want my real answer?

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Speaker 2: I do? Uh?

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Speaker 1: You asking me this question is the very first time

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Speaker 1: I have ever thought about the flag of Maryland.

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Speaker 2: That's what everyone says. What I them about flags?

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Speaker 1: It says Oh, it says here that you have an

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Speaker 1: obsession with flags too, Yes, a.

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Speaker 2: Very strong obsession with flags.

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Speaker 1: What's what's your opinion about the flag of Maryland.

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Speaker 2: I think it's awful. I think it's one of the

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Speaker 2: worst flags I've ever seen. And it also has no

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Speaker 2: symbolism or meaning or significance to Maryland. The only significance

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Speaker 2: is that the people of Maryland love that flag like

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Speaker 2: they love that flag. And I have been like bullied

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Speaker 2: on the internet before because I said that Maryland was

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Speaker 2: the worst state flag and literally the whole state like

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Speaker 2: hoped on in my comment section and with like sending

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Speaker 2: death threats and stuff. But it's just people.

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Speaker 1: People were, actually people are sending you death threats over

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Speaker 1: hating the Maryland.

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Speaker 2: Literally, people were trying to like dock me.

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Speaker 1: All right, well I will I will not be fucking

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Speaker 1: with the flag community anytime soon. No, I am personally,

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Speaker 1: I'm personally not offended by your slander of the Maryland

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Speaker 1: flag because, like I said, I never think about it.

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Speaker 1: But what, Okay, so you have an obsession with flags,

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Speaker 1: What is in your opinion the best flag?

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Speaker 2: Well, that's such a good question. My personal favorite flag

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Speaker 2: is either between Sicily or Uruguay. Basically, a flag has

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Speaker 2: to have five things. It has to have meaningful symbolism,

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Speaker 2: two to three colors, no lettering or seals. It also

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Speaker 2: there's a couple other things that they're like the five

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Speaker 2: rules of vexillology, and basically like almost all of the

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Speaker 2: state flags break those rules. Like that's why I just

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Speaker 2: hate most of the state flags. That Maryland takes the

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Speaker 2: number one spot for my least favorite.

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Speaker 1: Well, I don't have a five point rubric, but I

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Speaker 1: will say I like the California flag because it has

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Speaker 1: a bear.

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Speaker 2: On it, you know, and I respect that. I respect that,

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Speaker 2: but I personally don't like the Californian flag because it

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Speaker 2: has a bear on it. And what does that say

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Speaker 2: about California? You know, it's the Golden State, and there's

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Speaker 2: not even any gold on the flag. There's so much

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Speaker 2: more you could represent about California's beautiful landscape, about its

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Speaker 2: booming economy, about its history, and yet they were just like, oh,

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Speaker 2: there's a lot of beers here, let's put a beer

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Speaker 2: on the flag.

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Speaker 1: And although we disagree about flags, I will not send

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Speaker 1: you any death threats. And I appreciate you calling in

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Speaker 1: and sharing all of this with us. It's been an

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Speaker 1: awesome convo.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's been a lovely conversation, and I appreciate our

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Speaker 2: willingness to agree to disagree. That's just really about human's ability,

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Speaker 2: right there.

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Speaker 1: Hey, I have a good night, Franklin, you too, have

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Speaker 1: a good one. I really have not thought about the

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Speaker 1: Maryland flag. I gotta check where I you know what

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Speaker 1: I should have asked him. I should have asked him

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Speaker 1: where people are arguing about flags. I want to go

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Speaker 1: on r slash flags and just see if it's a

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Speaker 1: fucking blood bath of people saying horrible things to each

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Speaker 1: other because of the disagreements of whether Wyoming or South

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Speaker 1: Dakota has a better shade of blue on their flag.

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Speaker 1: That's a little I know about flags. I'm pretty sure

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Speaker 1: there's no blue in the Wyoming state flag or the

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Speaker 1: North Dakota state flag. All right, I'm gonna look this

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Speaker 1: up really quick. Okay, it is kind of blue. It

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Speaker 1: has a bull. And then let's see it with's South Dakota.

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Speaker 1: That one has a bull on it. That looks kind

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Speaker 1: of cool. Oh fuck, they do both. They are both blue.

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Speaker 1: Holy shit, I'm a genius. They're both blue. That was

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Speaker 1: a complete guess. That was a complete and other guess.

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Speaker 1: And I will say South Dakota's shade of blue I

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Speaker 1: like a little bit better. Oh, North Dakota. North Dakota

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Speaker 1: and Wyoming both have similar shades of blue. Okay, I'm

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Speaker 1: starting to become a little bit obsessed with flags myself.

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Speaker 1: I see where Franklin is coming from. Hello, hey, yeah,

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Speaker 1: this gino?

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Speaker 3: This is he? How you doing?

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Speaker 2: Man?

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Speaker 1: G You know it says here that you once masturbated

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Speaker 1: at the Vatican, Yes, sir, that is correct. Says here

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Speaker 1: that you have a goal in life to masturbate in

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Speaker 1: as many different countries as possible.

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Speaker 3: If I am able to do it, I would absolutely

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Speaker 3: love to.

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Speaker 1: Okay, how many? How many different countries have you masturbated in?

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Speaker 1: So far?

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Speaker 4: Five?

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Speaker 1: Which countries are?

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Speaker 3: France, Italy, the Vatican because the Vaticans can have its

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Speaker 3: own country, United States? And London? Well, London is my country,

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Speaker 3: you can't.

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Speaker 1: Did you did you masturbate in Rome?

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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Okay, so that's Vatican, Rome, France, Italy, US and England.

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Speaker 1: So that's that's six. You masturbated in six countries.

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Speaker 3: In Italy?

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Speaker 1: Wait? Hold on, mm hmm? Did I did you say

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Speaker 1: Italy already?

401
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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Okay, I think I did. I don't. I you know,

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Speaker 1: I know, I have this fucking podcast where I talk

404
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Speaker 1: to people and stuff, but I just don't. I don't

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Speaker 1: know anything, and I don't care. I don't care the

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Speaker 1: people are, like, oh, Rome is a thing. I don't

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Speaker 1: care where anything it is. I don't care what anything is.

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Speaker 1: I don't care how you pronounce things. I don't care

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Speaker 1: if words that I say mean anything I do. I

410
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Speaker 1: don't fucking care. Alaska is a city, it's not a state.

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Speaker 1: I don't care Alabama and Alaska and Morocco in Japan

412
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:07,840
Speaker 1: and Laos and Baltimore and Austin that they're all this.

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Speaker 1: Everywhere is the same place. I don't fucking care. It's

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Speaker 1: all fine. Everything is fine. Everything I say is okay.

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Speaker 3: I agree.

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Speaker 1: Tell me about masturbating in the Vatican, how did that

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Speaker 1: come about?

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Speaker 3: So? Like the Vatican is kind of its own country

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Speaker 3: within within Rome itself, like it has its own like army,

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Speaker 3: it has its own like postal stuff going on. And

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Speaker 3: I visited a couple of times because I was on

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Speaker 3: an archaeological dig in Italy and I went there and

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Speaker 3: the first time I was like, whoa, this is so cool,

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Speaker 3: Like it's got this big museum and there's so much

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Speaker 3: cool art, you know, the Sistine Chapel all that. The

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Speaker 3: second time I went, I was like, man, they're their

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Speaker 3: own country. I've spanked it in like several countries so far,

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Speaker 3: I might not ever get this chance again. Okay, So

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Speaker 3: I didn't like do it in public or like inside

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Speaker 3: the Systeine Chapel or anything like that, but I went

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Speaker 3: to one of the bathrooms in the museum and did

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Speaker 3: it there. And actually the stalls were like very very

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Speaker 3: nice and very kind of private, like they were their

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Speaker 3: own like water closets sort of. And it like it

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Speaker 3: took a little bit because I'm transgender, so like you know,

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Speaker 3: it was a little bit awkward. A couple of people

437
00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:37,440
Speaker 3: banged on the door.

438
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:37,880
Speaker 2: But.

439
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:43,840
Speaker 3: Your people banging on the door, yeah, because they needed

440
00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:44,840
Speaker 3: to use the toilet.

441
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:51,320
Speaker 1: Can I ask you in this bathroom configuration, how many

442
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,359
Speaker 1: stalls are in this bathroom?

443
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,040
Speaker 3: So like the entire bathroom, it was rather large, but

444
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:02,720
Speaker 3: like each stall was kind of its own contained like

445
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:06,199
Speaker 3: water closet, Like it was like a closet almost like

446
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,119
Speaker 3: it was its own kind of private room almost. So

447
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 3: it was very private. It had like sufficient space to

448
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:16,080
Speaker 3: get everything done.

449
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 1: Well, Okay, so what I'm asking you is like I like,

450
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,360
Speaker 1: if I go into a public restroom, I won't take

451
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:24,160
Speaker 1: a shit in a public restroom unless if I see

452
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 1: that there are other stalls, because if I'm the only person,

453
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,480
Speaker 1: because there's absolutely nothing more horrifying than taking a shit

454
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:37,120
Speaker 1: in a stall that's the only one. So like you're

455
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,040
Speaker 1: taking a shit while there's a line to get in,

456
00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:41,199
Speaker 1: that's a horrifying experience. I don't know if that's the

457
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:42,600
Speaker 1: configuration of this bathroom.

458
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,680
Speaker 3: No, no, no, there were other toilets in this bathroom

459
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,440
Speaker 3: as well, Like imagine like a public bathroom that had

460
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:55,200
Speaker 3: like I would say, there were probably maybe twelve other toilets.

461
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, from what I recall, there are twelve other the toilets.

462
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,600
Speaker 1: Why are people banging on your stall? If there's twelve

463
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:02,840
Speaker 1: of the toils, I think I use one of the

464
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 1: other ones.

465
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,640
Speaker 3: It was it was rather busy. There were a lot

466
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,840
Speaker 3: of tourists and things like that, so I it wasn't

467
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,040
Speaker 3: like there were a lot of people. This was in

468
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,160
Speaker 3: the Vatican Museum, proper, Okay.

469
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:20,639
Speaker 1: The Vatican Museum. And how did you feel when you

470
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:21,639
Speaker 1: completed the task?

471
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,440
Speaker 3: I felt very accomplished. Is that my first time being

472
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,359
Speaker 3: like down about like even though I wasn't necessarily in public,

473
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,480
Speaker 3: like it wasn't it was still in like a public space, right,

474
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,399
Speaker 3: Like I wasn't in the hotel room or like in

475
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:39,919
Speaker 3: my bedroom. So the first time I had ever done that,

476
00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:43,879
Speaker 3: and I just felt like accomplished, Like yeah, check that

477
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,639
Speaker 3: box off my bucket list.

478
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:52,359
Speaker 1: And was it in the Vatican. Was it right after

479
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,720
Speaker 1: you jacked off in the Vatican Museum bathroom that you

480
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:00,359
Speaker 1: decided it would be your goal to master beating as

481
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,520
Speaker 1: many countries as possible or was that beforehand?

482
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 3: I really didn't think about it until then. It was

483
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,920
Speaker 3: just like kind of a if I don't do this now,

484
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,480
Speaker 3: like I might never have the chance again because I

485
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 3: don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, you know, if

486
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 3: I get you know, blown away by a car or

487
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:22,000
Speaker 3: something like that, like it's now or never. And so

488
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:27,119
Speaker 3: I just like impulsively decided to do it. But afterwards,

489
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 3: I like, if I ever got God, you got, if

490
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 3: I ever do now to travel to another country, I

491
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,040
Speaker 3: would be like committed to doing it there as well.

492
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,680
Speaker 1: So this is my next question. Are you planning on

493
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:46,440
Speaker 1: traveling to other countries with the express purpose of masturbating

494
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: in there?

495
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 3: If I had the money and the like the time

496
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:57,600
Speaker 3: to do so, absolutely, like that would not like if

497
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 3: I were to plan a travel trip now that would

498
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:04,480
Speaker 3: not necessarily be the number one goal for it. But

499
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,600
Speaker 3: if I have the ability, the free time, the money

500
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 3: and everything to be able to travel wherever I wanted,

501
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,600
Speaker 3: whenever I wanted, absolutely, you know.

502
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:13,560
Speaker 1: What you could probably do is you could probably book

503
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:17,200
Speaker 1: a flight to somewhere like super far away and then

504
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:24,720
Speaker 1: masturbate in the airplane bathroom while it's over different countries

505
00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:26,360
Speaker 1: and kind of plan it out so you can knock

506
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:26,880
Speaker 1: out a few.

507
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,000
Speaker 3: You know, that's a brilliant idea, and I would get

508
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:31,960
Speaker 3: into mild hog club.

509
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:37,760
Speaker 1: You also would potentially get arrested. But you don't see

510
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:46,720
Speaker 1: that's true. I'm rather stealthy, Okay, I have like a

511
00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:50,040
Speaker 1: do you have like a process by which you abide.

512
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:56,600
Speaker 3: To don't get caught? But also it's like I don't

513
00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:01,640
Speaker 3: have so I'm female to male transgender, so I don't

514
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:05,440
Speaker 3: have something that would be like sticking out that could

515
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:07,760
Speaker 3: be seen if that makes sense?

516
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:09,920
Speaker 1: Like, so.

517
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,280
Speaker 3: Is like I'm able to do it stealthier than like

518
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:16,880
Speaker 3: a non transgender man would.

519
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:24,479
Speaker 1: Yep. So you is there is there a country in

520
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:27,680
Speaker 1: particular that's at the top of your list.

521
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:35,800
Speaker 3: Man, Like the Vatican was pretty good. I think if

522
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,920
Speaker 3: there was a next goal, like the next summit that

523
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:44,160
Speaker 3: I could achieve probably be not necessarily a country, but Antarctica.

524
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 3: If I could do it at least like once on

525
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 3: every continent, that would be pretty baller.

526
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,160
Speaker 1: Okay, I think once per I mean every single country.

527
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:56,400
Speaker 1: That's definitely ambitious, and I think it's good to be ambitious,

528
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,720
Speaker 1: But once in every continent, I think that's a little

529
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:06,520
Speaker 1: bit more appropriate or more achievable. Yeah, the Vatican one

530
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:08,760
Speaker 1: is the and you know, we're talking a lot about,

531
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 1: you know, masturbating public bathrooms. The Vatican seems like it's

532
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:14,840
Speaker 1: the only one where, you know, it necessitates needing a

533
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,920
Speaker 1: public bathroom, because every every other place you can you

534
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,600
Speaker 1: can find a there's no hotel rooms in the Vatican,

535
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:24,440
Speaker 1: I don't think, correct. Yeah, so everywhere that's the name.

536
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:28,160
Speaker 1: Everywhere else, there's the Vatican city. That's the hardest. You

537
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 1: already did the most difficult one. Actually, No, North Korea

538
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:32,840
Speaker 1: is probably the most difficult one.

539
00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:34,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, that might be a little bit difficult.

540
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:38,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's that's Is there something to you that is

541
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 1: sexually exciting about this or is this merely just a

542
00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:49,880
Speaker 1: a sort of checking off boxes type of thing for you?

543
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,400
Speaker 3: I would say it's just checking off boxes. I don't

544
00:31:54,440 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 3: have any particular affinity for you know, like I guess

545
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:04,040
Speaker 3: it is like interesting, like thrilling. I guess there's some

546
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:08,040
Speaker 3: adrenaline aspect, but I don't like think about it a

547
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 3: whole lot. For me, Like the goal is just to

548
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:12,680
Speaker 3: be able to say that I did it.

549
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:17,040
Speaker 1: Well, let's see, we've done about ten minutes on masturbating

550
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:20,360
Speaker 1: in every country in the world. Do you think there's

551
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,880
Speaker 1: any part of this conversation. Do you think there's any

552
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:26,959
Speaker 1: stone left unturned in this conversation, any other aspect of

553
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:30,320
Speaker 1: this that we did not go over that the people

554
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,520
Speaker 1: listening might want to hear about.

555
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:39,120
Speaker 3: I don't think so. I just think that, you know,

556
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:43,200
Speaker 3: I mean, there is the aspect of it was kind

557
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:46,520
Speaker 3: of freeing in a personal aspect, since it's like, you know,

558
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:51,080
Speaker 3: a very holy religious city and be having a background

559
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 3: of like Christian extremism, Like, it was a little bit

560
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:59,640
Speaker 3: of a freeing feeling to kind of at my own

561
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 3: hate a little bit a little bit, no offense to

562
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 3: anybody who's religious, but that was just my own personal

563
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:10,560
Speaker 3: like kind of being able to free myself from the

564
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 3: trappings of the past, so to speak. Other than that.

565
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:15,840
Speaker 3: Just about following your dreams.

566
00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:19,160
Speaker 1: Man. Everybody has their own way of dealing with trauma,

567
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:21,040
Speaker 1: and for some people, the way that they do it

568
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 1: is to masturbate in the bathroom of the Vatican Museum.

569
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,720
Speaker 1: And you know, I believe in my heart of hearts

570
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:29,160
Speaker 1: that you should be able to do whatever it is

571
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:30,480
Speaker 1: you want in this life as long as you're not

572
00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:35,240
Speaker 1: hurting other people. So yeah, you know, power to you,

573
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 1: you know.

574
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 3: Rock on. Thank you so much for taking my call, man,

575
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:40,800
Speaker 3: I really appreciate.

576
00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:41,840
Speaker 1: Anything else, anything else you want to say to the

577
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,160
Speaker 1: people of the computer before.

578
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:48,160
Speaker 3: You go, Love and peace and follow your dreams, do

579
00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:51,760
Speaker 3: you know forever? All right? Take it easy, man.

580
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:56,760
Speaker 1: Danny, Danny, Danny, how's it going.

581
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 5: I'm good, are you?

582
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:03,640
Speaker 1: I'm doing pretty swell. I feel like We've had a

583
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 1: good evening of wonderful calls and I'm ready to have

584
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:14,440
Speaker 1: some more. Is there anything in particular you want to

585
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,719
Speaker 1: talk about today, Danny?

586
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:17,160
Speaker 2: Yep.

587
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 5: So this one's a funny story actually in a way.

588
00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:25,640
Speaker 5: So my grandparents immigrated to America. I made like thirty

589
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:28,960
Speaker 5: years ago, and I was born and raised in California,

590
00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:32,440
Speaker 5: lived someone of my life in Texas, and then when

591
00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:33,960
Speaker 5: I was around like nine years old, my mom was like,

592
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,799
Speaker 5: you know what, let's move back to our like to

593
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:38,720
Speaker 5: our roots so you can learn more about your culture.

594
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:41,680
Speaker 5: And next thing, I know, my little gay ass went

595
00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:42,479
Speaker 5: to the Middle East.

596
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:43,680
Speaker 2: Mmm.

597
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:46,600
Speaker 1: Where where exactly in the Middle East?

598
00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:48,440
Speaker 3: Jordan?

599
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:51,879
Speaker 1: Jordan? Okay, all right, so you're nine years old, you're

600
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 1: in Jordan.

601
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,120
Speaker 5: And this is my story of how I learned to

602
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,560
Speaker 5: discover who I am as a person.

603
00:34:58,239 --> 00:34:58,839
Speaker 1: I would love to.

604
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,439
Speaker 5: So, growing up, like, I've always known that I was gay,

605
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:07,920
Speaker 5: but for the most part, there wasn't much representation and

606
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,880
Speaker 5: most religions obviously aren't really fond of it. So growing up, like,

607
00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:14,440
Speaker 5: I've always had this notion that like it's wrong to

608
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,239
Speaker 5: love guys, but in my head, I always thought that

609
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:19,960
Speaker 5: I was the exception. And so growing up I've just

610
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,440
Speaker 5: like always had crushes here and there, like this guy

611
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,879
Speaker 5: in my classroom, like my neighbor, like stuff like that,

612
00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 5: until around high school and I was like, you know what,

613
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,400
Speaker 5: I'm just gonna like learn checked up my gulf and

614
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:35,799
Speaker 5: at home with my parents, I'd be like the very

615
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:39,000
Speaker 5: straightforward I'll do what you say dad, like of course,

616
00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:41,560
Speaker 5: mom kind of kid. But then the moment. I was

617
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:46,440
Speaker 5: out on the streets, I was kissing boys nice and

618
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:48,840
Speaker 5: so one day it got me in a bit of trouble.

619
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:52,600
Speaker 5: I was in a car with this guy that I

620
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:55,960
Speaker 5: met on Grinder and Jordan, and we were having a

621
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:57,080
Speaker 5: good time, like he was really chill.

622
00:35:57,160 --> 00:36:02,279
Speaker 1: Dude, Wait, tell me really quick, because I I how

623
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:03,960
Speaker 1: long were you a Jordan for it, because you're not

624
00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:05,560
Speaker 1: nine years old on grind.

625
00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,239
Speaker 2: Or are you? Oh?

626
00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:10,600
Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, at the time, I think I was eighteen.

627
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 1: Okay, damn, So you and Jordan for a while, Yep.

628
00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 4: It happened.

629
00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:15,120
Speaker 3: Yeah.

630
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:17,680
Speaker 5: So I was in Jordan for about like ten years,

631
00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:19,640
Speaker 5: and this was like around the end of the time

632
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:22,960
Speaker 5: because I left around twenty twenty. But at the time

633
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:25,399
Speaker 5: I was twenty nineteen. I was like eighteen nineen years old,

634
00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:27,560
Speaker 5: and I was in the car with the sky. It

635
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:29,239
Speaker 5: was like really nice whatever. We were having like a

636
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:32,640
Speaker 5: nice chat, and next thing I know, I'm leaning in

637
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,319
Speaker 5: for a kiss. And so we're in this like really

638
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:39,040
Speaker 5: like cute moment, passionate kissing whatever, and all I see

639
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:42,920
Speaker 5: are blue and red lights flashing in the background. Oh no,

640
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:49,280
Speaker 5: And so here's the funny thing. So being gay technically

641
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:54,200
Speaker 5: isn't illegal in Jordan, but that's just like on paper. Realistically,

642
00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 5: considering the society and everything, there are other terms what

643
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:02,319
Speaker 5: they call what I do. And so all I saw

644
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:04,480
Speaker 5: were a bunch of cops putting me in handcuffs and

645
00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:08,920
Speaker 5: escorting me to the station and ooh that was That

646
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:13,000
Speaker 5: was the time. I think I spent like three nights

647
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,360
Speaker 5: there in like a trap in the jail cell because

648
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,160
Speaker 5: they were trying to get my paperwork done to send

649
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:21,120
Speaker 5: me off to court because apparently it was a big

650
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:21,919
Speaker 5: offense that I did.

651
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:27,239
Speaker 1: So yes, I'm very curious. So so being gay is

652
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:30,839
Speaker 1: not expressly illegal in Jordan, but is it a thing

653
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:35,080
Speaker 1: of like the police forces corrupt and so they like

654
00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:38,239
Speaker 1: try to get you on something else even though they're

655
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:42,440
Speaker 1: really trying to get you for being gay.

656
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 5: Yes, So originally my charge was actually public in decency,

657
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,040
Speaker 5: so it wasn't like considered homosexuality. It was just like

658
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:51,520
Speaker 5: because it was indecent to kiss the man in public,

659
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,680
Speaker 5: so that was my charge, but they kind of took

660
00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:57,120
Speaker 5: it to the extreme side. I even remember the chief

661
00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:59,520
Speaker 5: of police from the station looked at me specifically and

662
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:01,359
Speaker 5: was like put that one in a separate cell.

663
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:03,960
Speaker 1: Damn, that's fucked up.

664
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:09,279
Speaker 5: I mean, it was so funny. They even went through

665
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:10,799
Speaker 5: my wallet and they were like killing him what I

666
00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:12,560
Speaker 5: had in my pocket because they were like, oh, like

667
00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:13,359
Speaker 5: how much did he tying?

668
00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:13,799
Speaker 2: You? Like what?

669
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:19,000
Speaker 5: This is not like y'all. I'm like, I coughed way

670
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:22,600
Speaker 5: more than just twenty bil like twenty bucks. But anyway, okay,

671
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 5: and next thing.

672
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:28,239
Speaker 1: Where did they put I'm sorry, I want to let

673
00:38:28,239 --> 00:38:30,799
Speaker 1: you finish your story, but where did they put the

674
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:32,520
Speaker 1: guy who you were kissing? Would they put them in

675
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:33,640
Speaker 1: like a different cellar or something?

676
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,400
Speaker 5: Yeah, they put him in the separate cell but things

677
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,239
Speaker 5: he had other people with him. I think they thought

678
00:38:39,239 --> 00:38:40,480
Speaker 5: he was the top and I was at bottom.

679
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 1: I'm not sure why there is there like a where

680
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 1: do you think they were more harsh to you than him?

681
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:48,160
Speaker 1: Because of that?

682
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:53,759
Speaker 5: It's hard to tell. He did get his fair share

683
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:57,400
Speaker 5: of scrutiny, but I think for me, specifically, my physique

684
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:00,399
Speaker 5: and small stature doesn't really help my case. Not to mention,

685
00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:04,320
Speaker 5: I've always been stubborn about because I've growing up in America,

686
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,400
Speaker 5: I've like I've been more Americanized than other people, so

687
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:09,960
Speaker 5: growing up there, I never really accepted like learning Arabic

688
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 5: or anything, because I just wanted to stick to who

689
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:13,320
Speaker 5: I was as a person and I just want to

690
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,200
Speaker 5: be the unique one. So as they were trying to

691
00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:17,560
Speaker 5: talk to me in my broken Arabic, it was like, Oh,

692
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:19,440
Speaker 5: you're clearly the corrupt one over here. You're the one

693
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:20,280
Speaker 5: that's changing voids.

694
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:25,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, So you're sorry? What all you continue?

695
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:26,200
Speaker 1: You call your mom?

696
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,440
Speaker 5: So I call my mom and I'm like, hey, like, bestie,

697
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:34,920
Speaker 5: I'm not coming home tonight, and uh. She ended up

698
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 5: coming uh to the station and she was like trying

699
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:39,719
Speaker 5: to convince them just to let me out, but like

700
00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:41,200
Speaker 5: I said, be cause they're trying to finish my paperwork.

701
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:43,239
Speaker 5: I ended up staying there for like three nights in

702
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:45,000
Speaker 5: like pretty much two days. I think. It was like

703
00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:47,719
Speaker 5: A went in there like a Thursday night, left there

704
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:50,839
Speaker 5: Saturday morning. It was a fun time, really, They gave

705
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:51,200
Speaker 5: us food.

706
00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:56,400
Speaker 1: It wasn't that bad, you said. It was fun to

707
00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:57,000
Speaker 1: an extent.

708
00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:57,360
Speaker 2: You know.

709
00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:00,279
Speaker 5: I met some pretty cool people there. I I hadn't

710
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:02,040
Speaker 5: expected i'd be like the odd one out and everyone

711
00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:04,520
Speaker 5: would hate me, But honestly, like they were pretty chill

712
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:07,000
Speaker 5: with me. Like surprisingly, it was the people behind bars.

713
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:07,680
Speaker 2: That was the nicest.

714
00:40:09,239 --> 00:40:11,359
Speaker 1: Really, you said you make cool people that who tell

715
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:12,439
Speaker 1: me about the people that you met.

716
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:15,880
Speaker 5: Was this one guy who actually asked for my number

717
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:19,080
Speaker 5: that first time I walked in there. They they didn't

718
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:20,800
Speaker 5: really have any respect for me. But then we just

719
00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:22,719
Speaker 5: start like chatting and I was like, yeah, like talking

720
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:24,320
Speaker 5: to them whatever. And I was pretty chill about it

721
00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:25,600
Speaker 5: because at that point I was like, ocky, I'll get

722
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,839
Speaker 5: a shit And this dude was like, you know, you're

723
00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:30,560
Speaker 5: kind of cool, Like hey, like, once you get out

724
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 5: of you want to hang out. I'm like, sure, here's

725
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:32,359
Speaker 5: my number.

726
00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 1: Did you end up hanging out with here?

727
00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:36,279
Speaker 3: No?

728
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,759
Speaker 5: God, no, he did try calling me, but I kept

729
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 5: blocking the number.

730
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:42,800
Speaker 1: Ah what what what was he like in in in

731
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:44,000
Speaker 1: there for something fucked up?

732
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:47,600
Speaker 5: I think he beats someone up. I wasn't really sure.

733
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:53,440
Speaker 1: Oh Jesus, it is. It is interesting that they's like

734
00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 1: the jail because they're jailing gay men. It just becomes

735
00:40:57,239 --> 00:40:59,839
Speaker 1: another place for you to meet other gay men.

736
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:03,400
Speaker 5: You no, now that you mention it kind of is.

737
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:09,040
Speaker 1: Interesting. So okay, So they weren't that rough with you.

738
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:12,160
Speaker 1: You said it was a chill experience. They weren't like,

739
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,280
Speaker 1: you know, it's weird because to me, when you're painting

740
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:20,120
Speaker 1: the picture of and this is me knowing absolutely nothing

741
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:25,320
Speaker 1: about Jordan, about the Jordanian police force, about what people's

742
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:28,640
Speaker 1: values are over there. I would think in a place

743
00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:32,120
Speaker 1: where it's like literally illegal, well I guess, I guess

744
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:34,880
Speaker 1: you said it's not illegal, but where it's like, uh,

745
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:38,719
Speaker 1: quasi illegal to be gay, I would think that their

746
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:40,719
Speaker 1: prisons would be fucked up too.

747
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,920
Speaker 5: So I only say it's the police station. So for

748
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 5: the most part, like they did drop me out of

749
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 5: myself a few times, and they were like trying to

750
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:51,279
Speaker 5: harass me here and there. A lot of jokes want

751
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 5: it like it was. It wasn't really a fun time.

752
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:57,160
Speaker 5: But for the most part, I kind of just I

753
00:41:57,239 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 5: knew I didn't do anything wrong, and like, despite what

754
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:02,320
Speaker 5: they believe, I just had to bear through and it

755
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:03,680
Speaker 5: was all going to be okay. So I kind of

756
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:08,560
Speaker 5: like kept reassuring myself and it kind of was, well,

757
00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 5: not really, it wasn't that okay. When I went to court,

758
00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:13,680
Speaker 5: I think a week later after they bailed me out,

759
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:17,560
Speaker 5: I think my sentencing was like a year in prison

760
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:23,000
Speaker 5: something like that. Yeah, No, it was serious. At that point.

761
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:24,200
Speaker 5: I was like, okay, so I'm not sure if I

762
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:24,800
Speaker 5: can get out.

763
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:27,359
Speaker 1: Of this, And what happened? Did you have to get

764
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:28,120
Speaker 1: to prison for a year?

765
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:33,080
Speaker 5: So not really, Here's what happened. So the guy that

766
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:35,160
Speaker 5: I was making out with, his dad had some connections,

767
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:37,759
Speaker 5: and so because he didn't want either of us going

768
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:40,160
Speaker 5: to jail, he made a few phone calls and next

769
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,120
Speaker 5: thing I know, they kind of change our sentences to

770
00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:44,920
Speaker 5: like forty hours of community service with like a three

771
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:49,800
Speaker 5: year of probation. And at that point I already contact

772
00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:51,759
Speaker 5: the American Visy. I was like, you know, get me

773
00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:53,879
Speaker 5: out of here, like about this shit, I'm not doing

774
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:58,520
Speaker 5: it anymore. And I think within like three months they

775
00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:01,120
Speaker 5: got all my paperwork ready, they gave me an emergency passport,

776
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:03,560
Speaker 5: bought my plane tickets, and swum me out to Virginia.

777
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:07,520
Speaker 1: God damn, you hooked up with the right grinder guy.

778
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:10,000
Speaker 5: Thank god?

779
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:12,279
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, thank god.

780
00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:12,520
Speaker 2: Man.

781
00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:15,480
Speaker 1: You almost had to spend a year in Jordanian prison,

782
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:17,719
Speaker 1: which I mean, apparently, from what you're saying, is not

783
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:18,840
Speaker 1: that bad, but still.

784
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:24,600
Speaker 5: It could have been worse. Honestly, for the most part,

785
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:26,000
Speaker 5: I think it really did teach me a lot of

786
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,680
Speaker 5: values and it gave me a lot of faith in myself,

787
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:31,279
Speaker 5: and I realized that a lot of not a lot

788
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:32,800
Speaker 5: of people are going to speak up and fight for you.

789
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:34,240
Speaker 5: So if you're not willing to do it for yourself,

790
00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:36,239
Speaker 5: no one else is going to do that. I spent

791
00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 5: so long just like sitting by myself, like especially after that,

792
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:40,399
Speaker 5: my terms are furious. They locked me in my room

793
00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:42,360
Speaker 5: for like probably three months.

794
00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:45,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was that was an aspect of that I

795
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,000
Speaker 1: did touch on that I wanted to ask you about,

796
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:48,560
Speaker 1: is how your parents reacted to all this.

797
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:52,359
Speaker 5: Oh, now that's a funny one.

798
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:54,640
Speaker 2: It was really bad.

799
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:56,600
Speaker 5: I mean I don't to an extent. I guess I

800
00:43:56,680 --> 00:43:58,719
Speaker 5: kind of tore down their reputation, so I can see

801
00:43:58,760 --> 00:44:00,919
Speaker 5: why they were kind of mad. But for the most

802
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:03,799
Speaker 5: part they took it very extremely Both My parents are

803
00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:06,000
Speaker 5: like very religious, so you can imagine how that went down.

804
00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:10,920
Speaker 5: It was dark times all over, and they sent me

805
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:13,560
Speaker 5: to conversion therapy. Actually, they have programs there in Jordan.

806
00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:17,880
Speaker 5: Oh here's a funny one beside Hata twist over there.

807
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:20,480
Speaker 5: I remember he was like telling me, like, yeah, like

808
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:22,520
Speaker 5: we all go through phases in life where we're like

809
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:25,080
Speaker 5: interested in weird things and he was telling me about

810
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:27,359
Speaker 5: his life experiences and how like when he was a kid,

811
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:31,000
Speaker 5: he he's always wanted to kiss a penis. And I

812
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:32,799
Speaker 5: had to sit there like, hey, like do you want

813
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:35,759
Speaker 5: to toss over like the notepad and everything, because I

814
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:37,480
Speaker 5: feel like you can tell me about your relationship with

815
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:37,919
Speaker 5: your dad.

816
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:39,160
Speaker 1: Yeah.

817
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:39,600
Speaker 3: Yeah.

818
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:42,080
Speaker 1: It was like, you know, hey, maybe maybe you're the

819
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:43,440
Speaker 1: one that needs some therapy here.

820
00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:47,319
Speaker 5: No believe or not. It was kind of funny. It's

821
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:51,160
Speaker 5: just a lot of bizarre things. But for the most part,

822
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:53,880
Speaker 5: it didn't. Like I got to know more about myself

823
00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:56,440
Speaker 5: through all the experiences. And by the time I was

824
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:58,280
Speaker 5: ready to leave, like I was born in the airplane

825
00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:01,040
Speaker 5: and like I had five one hundred dollars in my pocket,

826
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:04,879
Speaker 5: I was losing everybody that I knew everything my whole

827
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:07,440
Speaker 5: I was at the time, I was a second year

828
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:11,759
Speaker 5: medical student before I dropped out, and I kind of

829
00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 5: was just like, you know what, no matter what happens next,

830
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:18,480
Speaker 5: everything that I've gone through is a testimony that I

831
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:21,440
Speaker 5: can do things by myself because nobody was willing to

832
00:45:21,480 --> 00:45:23,080
Speaker 5: believe in me. So if I believe in myself, I

833
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:24,960
Speaker 5: was and I could do everything that I've done and

834
00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:27,719
Speaker 5: survive everything, and I can do a little more than

835
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:28,480
Speaker 5: my more.

836
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:29,200
Speaker 3: With myself.

837
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:34,560
Speaker 1: Totally. Man, So you boarded this plane from I have

838
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:38,640
Speaker 1: a bunch of questions about the transition from Jordan to Virginia.

839
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:43,000
Speaker 1: You went completely completely alone, like no friends in Georgia.

840
00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:48,000
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean no no friends in Uh did

841
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:49,480
Speaker 1: I say Georgia when I met Jordan?

842
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:50,040
Speaker 3: Just now?

843
00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:51,839
Speaker 2: Yeah?

844
00:45:52,719 --> 00:45:58,160
Speaker 1: Oh okay, I'm bad at but anyway, anyway, so you

845
00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:02,080
Speaker 1: had no friends or family in Virginia. Did you know

846
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:03,000
Speaker 1: anybody in Virginia?

847
00:46:04,719 --> 00:46:04,759
Speaker 2: So?

848
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:08,200
Speaker 5: I actually only knew one person. He was an old

849
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 5: high school friend of mine. Once he graduated high school,

850
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:13,759
Speaker 5: he uh, because he was born in the States as well,

851
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 5: and like me, his parents were like, hey, like, let's

852
00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:18,120
Speaker 5: introduce you your like side of the family. So he

853
00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:21,480
Speaker 5: graduated high school in Jordan, but then he came back

854
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:25,600
Speaker 5: to Virginia to go to college. And so at the

855
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:28,800
Speaker 5: time I emailed him, I was like, hey, like, I

856
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:30,400
Speaker 5: have no place to go, and I'm trying to just

857
00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:32,680
Speaker 5: like get away from everything, Like do you know anyone

858
00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:34,399
Speaker 5: that's like renting out a room or something? And he goes,

859
00:46:34,440 --> 00:46:36,480
Speaker 5: you know what, you can just chill with me, And

860
00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:39,120
Speaker 5: so I kind of took that leap of faith. I

861
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:40,759
Speaker 5: wasn't really sure what I was jumping into, and he

862
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:42,000
Speaker 5: was like, you know what, I'll help you find a

863
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:43,200
Speaker 5: job whatever, just to get.

864
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:44,120
Speaker 2: You back on your feet.

865
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:49,239
Speaker 5: I think the flight was about so the flight from

866
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:52,279
Speaker 5: Jordan to UH I have to go to Chicago first.

867
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:55,000
Speaker 5: It was like thirteen hours, and then there was like

868
00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:57,880
Speaker 5: a twelve hour delay for a morning flight to get

869
00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:01,600
Speaker 5: me from Chicago to DC and then from DC to Virginia.

870
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:03,680
Speaker 5: So it was a really help mind you, this was

871
00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:06,320
Speaker 5: in twenty twenty, literally right in the middle of COVID,

872
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:08,759
Speaker 5: so it was actually pretty hard getting any tickets. That's

873
00:47:08,760 --> 00:47:10,000
Speaker 5: why the embassy had to arrange.

874
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:10,320
Speaker 2: Everything for me.

875
00:47:11,080 --> 00:47:13,600
Speaker 1: That's amazing that the embassy was able to arrange for

876
00:47:13,719 --> 00:47:15,719
Speaker 1: you to get the fuck out of there.

877
00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:19,360
Speaker 5: No, they they really did help me a lot. They

878
00:47:19,719 --> 00:47:21,960
Speaker 5: so they were always I have question checking up on me.

879
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:29,160
Speaker 1: Oh really they did. That's cool there. The embassy is like,

880
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:31,279
Speaker 1: you know, checking up on you and being cool because

881
00:47:31,320 --> 00:47:35,040
Speaker 1: I would think, I guess my idea, well, America has

882
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:39,520
Speaker 1: a bad rap right now, so public government services they

883
00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:42,640
Speaker 1: my impression of them, I feel like a lot of

884
00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:45,560
Speaker 1: people's impression of them is that they don't really give

885
00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:48,120
Speaker 1: a shit, So I guess this is a good, Oh, hey,

886
00:47:48,239 --> 00:47:49,960
Speaker 1: maybe this one part of the government does give a

887
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:51,839
Speaker 1: shit kind of thing. But I don't know what I'm

888
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:59,400
Speaker 1: talking about anyway. So when is the last time you

889
00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:01,640
Speaker 1: spoke with any of your family back in Jordan?

890
00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:07,600
Speaker 5: So once I moved, I think it was like a

891
00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:09,720
Speaker 5: month or so, I tried reaching out to my sisters.

892
00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:12,360
Speaker 5: For the most part, I really did miss them. They

893
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:14,160
Speaker 5: were they were my biggest supporters through all of it.

894
00:48:15,080 --> 00:48:16,840
Speaker 5: They didn't really know that I was leaving or anything,

895
00:48:16,920 --> 00:48:19,920
Speaker 5: but despite everything, they were still trying to do their

896
00:48:19,960 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 5: best to support me. So I reached out to them,

897
00:48:22,719 --> 00:48:24,160
Speaker 5: and my mom kind of was like, hey, like, I

898
00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:26,759
Speaker 5: don't want to talk to you, and so we spoke

899
00:48:26,760 --> 00:48:29,040
Speaker 5: out our differences. She never really apologized for everything that

900
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:32,680
Speaker 5: she did to me. She told me that she would

901
00:48:32,719 --> 00:48:34,799
Speaker 5: she would only wish if I could understand where she's

902
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:36,960
Speaker 5: coming from, and that she never meant to harm me.

903
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:38,880
Speaker 5: It was just the way she was raised in the

904
00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:40,920
Speaker 5: culture that she grew up in, so she had no

905
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:43,080
Speaker 5: other choice but to grap the way she did. But

906
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:48,240
Speaker 5: despite that, she said family of family, and she actually

907
00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:53,240
Speaker 5: came to visit twice. Not that our relationship is perfect,

908
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:55,120
Speaker 5: but for the most part, it's not as bad as

909
00:48:55,160 --> 00:48:57,239
Speaker 5: I thought it would be. She does tay some like

910
00:48:57,320 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 5: really ignorant comments here and there, but could have been worse.

911
00:49:02,400 --> 00:49:03,960
Speaker 1: So let me ask you when she says this to you,

912
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,720
Speaker 1: When she says, whatever, this is how I was raised,

913
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:08,279
Speaker 1: this is my religion. I wish you could see it

914
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:11,600
Speaker 1: from my perspective. Do you make a genuine attempt to

915
00:49:12,440 --> 00:49:15,640
Speaker 1: see it from her perspective even if you vehemently disagree

916
00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:15,840
Speaker 1: with it.

917
00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:23,640
Speaker 5: Honestly, living on my own for almost two years now,

918
00:49:25,080 --> 00:49:27,160
Speaker 5: I kind of do understand to an extent because I

919
00:49:27,239 --> 00:49:31,000
Speaker 5: realized we all have our own separate experiences and whatever

920
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:35,320
Speaker 5: we're raised and taught from a young age, it shapes

921
00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:37,040
Speaker 5: us into the people that we are, and sometimes it's

922
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:38,960
Speaker 5: hard to shake it off. Some of us are only

923
00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:43,200
Speaker 5: lucky to be to have like accepted, like, very open

924
00:49:43,239 --> 00:49:45,920
Speaker 5: ideas of you know, love and acceptance for other people.

925
00:49:46,520 --> 00:49:49,160
Speaker 5: Not many other people grew up in supportive environment. So

926
00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:53,200
Speaker 5: not that I completely forgive her for everything, but for

927
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,880
Speaker 5: the most part, I think I'll still consider it to

928
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,800
Speaker 5: be like to be my biological mom, like that she

929
00:49:58,880 --> 00:49:59,680
Speaker 5: wants someone to talk to you.

930
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:00,680
Speaker 3: I guess I'll be there for her.

931
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:06,320
Speaker 1: What is your life like now in Virginia before we go,

932
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:08,840
Speaker 1: tell us about it? What do you what do you do?

933
00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:12,120
Speaker 1: Are you a student? Are you dating anyone? Do you

934
00:50:12,200 --> 00:50:15,480
Speaker 1: have friends? Because you came there completely alone, and I

935
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:17,600
Speaker 1: want to hear how you were able to, you know,

936
00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:18,880
Speaker 1: build from that.

937
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:24,879
Speaker 5: Well, it's a crazy I had a lot of really

938
00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:27,680
Speaker 5: bad experiences, but for the most part, I I got

939
00:50:27,719 --> 00:50:30,239
Speaker 5: a job. I kept working hard. It would I would

940
00:50:30,239 --> 00:50:31,880
Speaker 5: always walk to work. It would take me about like

941
00:50:32,560 --> 00:50:35,640
Speaker 5: forty forty five minutes. At the time, I was only

942
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:37,640
Speaker 5: getting paid like eleven dollars an hour, so I was

943
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:39,839
Speaker 5: just trying to make enough to get by. But then

944
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:41,719
Speaker 5: I went from one job to another that like paid

945
00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:44,560
Speaker 5: from eleven to fifteen, and I kept working, picking up

946
00:50:44,600 --> 00:50:46,959
Speaker 5: extra shift. If I had any free time, I would

947
00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:49,560
Speaker 5: try to see if I could work an extra hour

948
00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:52,440
Speaker 5: or so. And I kept working hard until I got

949
00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:55,640
Speaker 5: a car, until like things started opening up for me.

950
00:50:55,719 --> 00:50:59,640
Speaker 5: And now I work as a pharmacy technician and I'm

951
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:02,560
Speaker 5: in try to get my license and hopefully soon enough,

952
00:51:02,600 --> 00:51:04,279
Speaker 5: maybe one day I might go back to college too.

953
00:51:06,320 --> 00:51:11,319
Speaker 5: I did meet someone. Actually, you should have met him.

954
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:14,400
Speaker 5: He was literally the coolest person ever. It origly was

955
00:51:14,440 --> 00:51:18,520
Speaker 5: a grinder hook up. He came over, we chilled for

956
00:51:18,560 --> 00:51:21,239
Speaker 5: a bit, hooked up, and we just kept talking after

957
00:51:21,320 --> 00:51:23,600
Speaker 5: that for about an hour or so. And funny thing

958
00:51:23,680 --> 00:51:25,680
Speaker 5: when he was walking out the door, he had his

959
00:51:25,760 --> 00:51:27,560
Speaker 5: car keys in hand, mind you, and I was like

960
00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:29,719
Speaker 5: walking him out and he looks at me and he goes,

961
00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:34,239
Speaker 5: drive safe and two steps he stops and he looks

962
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:36,440
Speaker 5: back and he goes, God, I'm so stupid. And the

963
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:38,640
Speaker 5: whole cool guy for thought that he had just like

964
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:41,399
Speaker 5: faded away. And honestly, he was the cutest person I've

965
00:51:41,400 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 5: ever met. We ended up dating actually for about a

966
00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:47,440
Speaker 5: year or so. We did a lot together and he

967
00:51:47,520 --> 00:51:50,520
Speaker 5: helped me through so much, and he's probably gonna be

968
00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:53,400
Speaker 5: my best friend. And I've never loved anyone as much

969
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:54,320
Speaker 5: as I loved him before.

970
00:51:55,960 --> 00:51:58,799
Speaker 1: Man, this grinder is getting you into all sorts of situations.

971
00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:03,600
Speaker 5: I think this time it might have ended me up

972
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:07,319
Speaker 5: in a good situation. It didn't really last, though, Oh

973
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:07,920
Speaker 5: it didn't last.

974
00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:08,359
Speaker 1: You broke up.

975
00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:12,520
Speaker 5: Given my history and everything, Given my history and everything

976
00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:14,480
Speaker 5: that happened to me, I'm not exactly a perfect person,

977
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:18,800
Speaker 5: so I tend to freak out on the smallest things,

978
00:52:18,880 --> 00:52:22,839
Speaker 5: and I wake up with night terrors, and I kind

979
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:25,160
Speaker 5: of took it out on him. And for the most part,

980
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:27,080
Speaker 5: I really am sorry for everything that I've done to him.

981
00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:30,720
Speaker 5: I tried my best to fix that. I I posted

982
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:33,439
Speaker 5: a video on Instagram, actually twenty two minutes, like twenty

983
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:36,279
Speaker 5: two minutes long, me just like sobbing on camera, looking

984
00:52:36,320 --> 00:52:38,319
Speaker 5: through like old memories and stuff and apologizing to him

985
00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:40,600
Speaker 5: for everything that I've done wrong, and hope said, you know,

986
00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:43,959
Speaker 5: he would forgive me and might come back. I wrote

987
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:46,640
Speaker 5: him a love letter emailed it to him. I want

988
00:52:46,719 --> 00:52:50,960
Speaker 5: him like different Reddit forums like dropping like letters and

989
00:52:51,160 --> 00:52:52,839
Speaker 5: like notes and stuff like that, and hopes he would

990
00:52:52,840 --> 00:52:55,719
Speaker 5: see it. I even made a PowerPoint presentation and like

991
00:52:55,800 --> 00:52:58,319
Speaker 5: I presented it to him to try to convince him

992
00:52:58,360 --> 00:53:01,480
Speaker 5: to get back with me. He's just He's a great person,

993
00:53:01,719 --> 00:53:05,200
Speaker 5: and for the most part, with him, I honestly forgot

994
00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:06,640
Speaker 5: about a lot of things that ever happened to me.

995
00:53:07,200 --> 00:53:09,359
Speaker 5: It almost seemed like my life starts like the moment

996
00:53:09,400 --> 00:53:09,839
Speaker 5: I met him.

997
00:53:11,600 --> 00:53:14,680
Speaker 1: Interesting, when when did you stop seeing this guy?

998
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:18,120
Speaker 5: About two weeks ago?

999
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:21,840
Speaker 1: Okay, so you're still a little bit in the midst.

1000
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:21,840
Speaker 2: Of it.

1001
00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:27,000
Speaker 5: Sort of. I think tomorrow he's going to give me

1002
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:29,319
Speaker 5: his definite answer on whether or not we can ever

1003
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:30,239
Speaker 5: get back together or not.

1004
00:53:31,880 --> 00:53:34,240
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say, I'm going to say this to you, Danny,

1005
00:53:34,360 --> 00:53:38,880
Speaker 1: because I'm just regurgitating what you said already. You've been

1006
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:43,080
Speaker 1: through a ton of shit, and you've been through it

1007
00:53:43,280 --> 00:53:47,080
Speaker 1: like as you said, Uh, you know, you told me

1008
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:50,520
Speaker 1: that all of these experiences have given you the confidence

1009
00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:54,040
Speaker 1: that you can tough shit out alone. And I agree

1010
00:53:54,080 --> 00:53:56,560
Speaker 1: with you. I mean, when I hear all this ship

1011
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:59,040
Speaker 1: that you're going through and how you came from Jordan

1012
00:53:59,120 --> 00:54:03,600
Speaker 1: to Virginia freaking alone and you were able to kind

1013
00:54:03,640 --> 00:54:08,080
Speaker 1: of work your way into a stable life position, I mean,

1014
00:54:08,400 --> 00:54:12,040
Speaker 1: you're standing on a great foundation here. I know that

1015
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:14,560
Speaker 1: people fall in love and they go a little bit

1016
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:19,640
Speaker 1: wild and whatnot, But listen, Danny, I think you're gonna

1017
00:54:19,640 --> 00:54:21,000
Speaker 1: be okay, and I think you know you're gonna be

1018
00:54:21,040 --> 00:54:26,359
Speaker 1: okay too, because you clearly have this this skill set

1019
00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:33,200
Speaker 1: of navigating the universe just by yourself. And also you're

1020
00:54:33,200 --> 00:54:35,319
Speaker 1: still very young. You're only twenty one years old, it says,

1021
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:37,560
Speaker 1: and I find that's freaking amazing too, that you were

1022
00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:41,719
Speaker 1: doing this at nineteen, So you know, I know you

1023
00:54:41,840 --> 00:54:43,719
Speaker 1: might be head of our heels for this guy, but

1024
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:46,560
Speaker 1: I don't think all hope is lost for you no

1025
00:54:46,680 --> 00:54:47,560
Speaker 1: matter what happens.

1026
00:54:47,840 --> 00:54:52,279
Speaker 5: And I think you know that too, Yeah, I do,

1027
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:54,439
Speaker 5: I guess for the most part.

1028
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:54,759
Speaker 2: I just.

1029
00:54:56,680 --> 00:54:58,480
Speaker 5: I really saw a lot in him, and I still

1030
00:54:58,560 --> 00:55:02,160
Speaker 5: do when I say I loved him and conditionally are

1031
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:05,560
Speaker 5: like I really do, and so I expected he would

1032
00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:07,000
Speaker 5: be the one I spend my whole life with, Like

1033
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:08,920
Speaker 5: everything that happened to me might have happened, so I

1034
00:55:08,960 --> 00:55:11,960
Speaker 5: can end up with him. But right now the balls

1035
00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:13,920
Speaker 5: in this court. If he wants to come back to me,

1036
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,680
Speaker 5: you can. If he doesn't, that's okay, and I have

1037
00:55:16,760 --> 00:55:17,240
Speaker 5: been through.

1038
00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:21,239
Speaker 1: Worse well, Danny, thank you for sharing your story with us.

1039
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:26,040
Speaker 1: I encourage you to be open minded because you're a

1040
00:55:26,120 --> 00:55:29,520
Speaker 1: hell of a soldier here on this earth, and I

1041
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:34,000
Speaker 1: think that you should have a mindset of abundance as

1042
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:39,600
Speaker 1: opposed to scarcity, because the world is your oyster if

1043
00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:42,560
Speaker 1: you so choose to attack it. I believe I do

1044
00:55:42,719 --> 00:55:44,200
Speaker 1: believe that about you, and I know you believe that

1045
00:55:44,239 --> 00:55:46,560
Speaker 1: about yourself. So I just wanted to say that again.

1046
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:49,040
Speaker 1: Is there anything else that you would like to say

1047
00:55:49,040 --> 00:55:51,239
Speaker 1: to the people of the computer before we.

1048
00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:57,600
Speaker 5: Go, Danny, let's see that's to be something useful.

1049
00:55:57,360 --> 00:56:02,120
Speaker 1: So it doesn't have to be anything, you know, go ahead.

1050
00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:04,120
Speaker 5: I feel like I want to share something nice with

1051
00:56:04,440 --> 00:56:06,600
Speaker 5: just in case someone needs to hear this. If you

1052
00:56:06,680 --> 00:56:09,040
Speaker 5: ever feel like you're alone and you're going through it

1053
00:56:09,520 --> 00:56:12,080
Speaker 5: and you need someone to believe in, I think sometimes

1054
00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:14,720
Speaker 5: if you just find the courage to believe in yourself

1055
00:56:14,840 --> 00:56:18,040
Speaker 5: and you do what you feel is right, you'll end

1056
00:56:18,120 --> 00:56:19,880
Speaker 5: up in better places than you could have ever imagined.

1057
00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:21,920
Speaker 3: I like it.

1058
00:56:22,760 --> 00:56:27,160
Speaker 1: What a great ad for Grinder this call has been. Yeah,

1059
00:56:28,880 --> 00:56:29,759
Speaker 1: thank you for calling Danny.

1060
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:30,520
Speaker 2: Thank you so much.

1061
00:56:32,840 --> 00:56:34,440
Speaker 1: Man. You know I will say I meant what I

1062
00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:38,880
Speaker 1: said to Danny. H It was interesting that the second

1063
00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:42,120
Speaker 1: half of I guess the third fourth of that, the

1064
00:56:42,239 --> 00:56:47,080
Speaker 1: fourth fourth of that call was him talking about this guy,

1065
00:56:48,680 --> 00:56:54,880
Speaker 1: because the first three fourths of the call are Danny's

1066
00:56:55,080 --> 00:57:06,520
Speaker 1: adventure journey to realizing that he doesn't need anyone but himself.

1067
00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:12,360
Speaker 1: You know, it's wonderful that he maintains a great relationship

1068
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:16,320
Speaker 1: with his sister. It's wonderful that he maintains a relationship

1069
00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:19,040
Speaker 1: with his mom and the things worked out for him.

1070
00:57:21,920 --> 00:57:24,439
Speaker 1: I really do think he's going to be fine, whether

1071
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:28,880
Speaker 1: or not this guy likes him back. Danny seems like

1072
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:35,000
Speaker 1: he's an adaptable person. We can tell that from everything

1073
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:39,439
Speaker 1: he's been through, and once again I appreciate him sharing

1074
00:57:39,480 --> 00:57:42,240
Speaker 1: his story. Hello, Hello, what's up?

1075
00:57:42,360 --> 00:57:50,560
Speaker 4: Cringe sah, Yeah, having an inter existential crisis?

1076
00:57:50,600 --> 00:57:53,640
Speaker 1: I believe, yes, cringe. It says here you're having an

1077
00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:58,440
Speaker 1: existential crisis. It says you have a sizeable following on

1078
00:57:58,640 --> 00:58:01,600
Speaker 1: social media, but you feel like you don't have the

1079
00:58:01,720 --> 00:58:03,880
Speaker 1: motivation to do it anymore.

1080
00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:04,480
Speaker 3: This is.

1081
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:08,600
Speaker 1: There's a juicy one. Let's say, I'm excited to get

1082
00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:14,160
Speaker 1: into this here. Tell me tell me, Okay, how long

1083
00:58:14,200 --> 00:58:16,040
Speaker 1: have you had a following on social media?

1084
00:58:19,240 --> 00:58:21,479
Speaker 4: I want to say, well, it's definitely been a little

1085
00:58:21,520 --> 00:58:24,479
Speaker 4: over a year at this point.

1086
00:58:25,480 --> 00:58:28,720
Speaker 1: Okay, it's been a little over a year. And what

1087
00:58:29,240 --> 00:58:29,360
Speaker 1: is it?

1088
00:58:29,520 --> 00:58:30,040
Speaker 3: What is it for?

1089
00:58:30,360 --> 00:58:30,880
Speaker 1: Can I ask?

1090
00:58:33,480 --> 00:58:37,400
Speaker 4: It's just like a random stupid shit on TikTok. It's like,

1091
00:58:37,880 --> 00:58:41,160
Speaker 4: because I feel like I can't be myself anywhere, and

1092
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:43,400
Speaker 4: so I was up all night one night and I

1093
00:58:43,480 --> 00:58:47,480
Speaker 4: just started posting videos, and uh, I started getting like

1094
00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:50,640
Speaker 4: hundreds of follows followings at a time, like it went

1095
00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:52,960
Speaker 4: from one hundred to eight hundred to like do you

1096
00:58:53,080 --> 00:58:57,000
Speaker 4: name it? And now I'm stuck at like forty two thousand,

1097
00:58:57,040 --> 00:59:00,320
Speaker 4: and I just feel paralyzed, like I can't post anymore.

1098
00:59:00,680 --> 00:59:02,640
Speaker 4: But I feel like I'm letting people down because I

1099
00:59:02,720 --> 00:59:04,360
Speaker 4: did not expect to take off like that.

1100
00:59:04,560 --> 00:59:08,680
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? I mean, do you have

1101
00:59:08,960 --> 00:59:15,320
Speaker 1: a desire to create content for the Internet for any

1102
00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:17,520
Speaker 1: reason beyond not disappointing people.

1103
00:59:21,600 --> 00:59:24,760
Speaker 4: I definitely enjoy having an outlet in some way, and

1104
00:59:24,840 --> 00:59:28,680
Speaker 4: I like to embrace and express myself and I like

1105
00:59:28,760 --> 00:59:33,520
Speaker 4: to connect with people. But I also don't know how

1106
00:59:33,680 --> 00:59:36,440
Speaker 4: to I don't have any type of niche or anything

1107
00:59:36,520 --> 00:59:38,080
Speaker 4: like that. I don't know how to be, you know,

1108
00:59:38,160 --> 00:59:41,160
Speaker 4: an influencer or anything. I just can't seem to be

1109
00:59:41,360 --> 00:59:45,440
Speaker 4: authentically myself without having a secondary voice in my head.

1110
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:47,720
Speaker 4: That's like, delete all your shit right now. You're weird,

1111
00:59:47,920 --> 00:59:49,680
Speaker 4: Like it's weird.

1112
00:59:50,400 --> 00:59:53,200
Speaker 1: Do you desire to ever like make money off of

1113
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:56,800
Speaker 1: this or make it into a career for yourself?

1114
00:59:58,800 --> 00:59:59,480
Speaker 3: This thing is the.

1115
00:59:59,560 --> 01:00:01,760
Speaker 4: Craziest thing is I have made money off of it,

1116
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:05,400
Speaker 4: and yet it's just I don't know how to just

1117
01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:09,800
Speaker 4: continue going. Like I've made over two hundred dollars on

1118
01:00:09,920 --> 01:00:14,040
Speaker 4: live streams, but I it was like the spur moment

1119
01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:16,080
Speaker 4: type thing and it just kicked off, and I just

1120
01:00:16,160 --> 01:00:20,040
Speaker 4: don't know how to find that inspiration again. I guess.

1121
01:00:23,080 --> 01:00:26,720
Speaker 1: Well, I'll tell you something that I that that I've

1122
01:00:26,920 --> 01:00:32,160
Speaker 1: learned that I've been thinking about a lot, which is

1123
01:00:32,280 --> 01:00:35,680
Speaker 1: that in some way with with social media, right, like

1124
01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:39,400
Speaker 1: these these numbers of like, oh, I want to increase

1125
01:00:39,480 --> 01:00:44,200
Speaker 1: my followers, I want to increase my whatever the reward

1126
01:00:44,400 --> 01:00:47,680
Speaker 1: now it's it's so it's important to actually enjoy the

1127
01:00:47,840 --> 01:00:56,080
Speaker 1: process of what you're doing, because the reward for being

1128
01:00:56,280 --> 01:01:01,440
Speaker 1: good at the process is just more of the process.

1129
01:01:03,240 --> 01:01:05,800
Speaker 1: You know, if you gain a bunch of followers on

1130
01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:10,040
Speaker 1: social media for making videos, your reward is that you

1131
01:01:10,640 --> 01:01:14,720
Speaker 1: get to make more videos. You know, it's an endless

1132
01:01:14,960 --> 01:01:20,800
Speaker 1: loop of process. So if you don't enjoy the process,

1133
01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:26,360
Speaker 1: then there's no point.

1134
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:31,760
Speaker 3: Right.

1135
01:01:33,040 --> 01:01:36,000
Speaker 4: It's just weird because I feel like at some point

1136
01:01:36,040 --> 01:01:39,800
Speaker 4: I did enjoy it, but it's the whole what is it?

1137
01:01:40,080 --> 01:01:46,160
Speaker 4: Like perceptions things like I will be completely content with myself, yes,

1138
01:01:46,520 --> 01:01:50,160
Speaker 4: and it's it's killing me at this point, like it's

1139
01:01:50,440 --> 01:01:52,880
Speaker 4: driving me into a hole because I feel good about

1140
01:01:53,200 --> 01:01:56,040
Speaker 4: something that I either off the top of my head

1141
01:01:56,120 --> 01:01:58,920
Speaker 4: posted or spent some time on and worked hard on,

1142
01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:01,840
Speaker 4: and I will publish, post it or whatever, and then

1143
01:02:02,320 --> 01:02:04,600
Speaker 4: immediately rewatch it and be like, no, I need to

1144
01:02:04,600 --> 01:02:07,160
Speaker 4: take this step just because I cannot stand to see

1145
01:02:07,240 --> 01:02:09,600
Speaker 4: myself and I know it's stupid, but I wish I

1146
01:02:09,640 --> 01:02:12,480
Speaker 4: could just jump over that and get past it.

1147
01:02:14,760 --> 01:02:20,320
Speaker 1: Mhm, yeah, I have. I have that myself sometimes.

1148
01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:20,600
Speaker 2: Man.

1149
01:02:21,520 --> 01:02:23,920
Speaker 1: I'm I'm I'm with you. I'm trying to figure that out.

1150
01:02:25,120 --> 01:02:28,800
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure that out because part of me

1151
01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:32,120
Speaker 1: is always like, part part of me likes posting those

1152
01:02:32,240 --> 01:02:34,360
Speaker 1: kinds of things that I'm afraid to post because it's

1153
01:02:34,400 --> 01:02:37,000
Speaker 1: just like a big fuck you to that feeling, you know,

1154
01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:40,160
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, you're feeling like you're your

1155
01:02:40,360 --> 01:02:42,480
Speaker 1: cringe will be like, well fuck you, I'm gonna personally

1156
01:02:42,600 --> 01:02:45,600
Speaker 1: even cringier. I'm gonna post something I don't I want

1157
01:02:45,600 --> 01:02:49,680
Speaker 1: to be perceived as even less. To free myself of

1158
01:02:49,760 --> 01:02:52,680
Speaker 1: this feeling, That's what I'd.

1159
01:02:52,520 --> 01:02:52,840
Speaker 2: Like to do.

1160
01:02:53,000 --> 01:02:58,240
Speaker 4: And that's the funny part, right, I kind of like

1161
01:02:58,320 --> 01:03:00,760
Speaker 4: spent my entire life being trees like rich for who

1162
01:03:00,880 --> 01:03:02,880
Speaker 4: I am and how I am and being called weird

1163
01:03:02,920 --> 01:03:06,440
Speaker 4: and tringy. And that's kind of why that's I labeled

1164
01:03:06,480 --> 01:03:08,720
Speaker 4: myself cringe because like, fuck, you know, you can't call

1165
01:03:08,800 --> 01:03:10,880
Speaker 4: me that. I called myself that, Like I kind of

1166
01:03:10,960 --> 01:03:13,240
Speaker 4: own that ship. But at the same time, I don't

1167
01:03:13,280 --> 01:03:15,960
Speaker 4: know how to go through with you know, like I said,

1168
01:03:16,280 --> 01:03:18,120
Speaker 4: posting stuff and keeping it up.

1169
01:03:20,120 --> 01:03:22,040
Speaker 1: Well, I like that attitude that you just said of

1170
01:03:22,520 --> 01:03:24,320
Speaker 1: owning the fact that you are Cringe.

1171
01:03:27,040 --> 01:03:27,360
Speaker 4: Thank you.

1172
01:03:29,120 --> 01:03:31,160
Speaker 1: I feel like that's a good guiding light for you

1173
01:03:32,040 --> 01:03:34,959
Speaker 1: through these these situations. I feel like that's a good

1174
01:03:36,360 --> 01:03:40,320
Speaker 1: sort of philosophy to live by for this current time

1175
01:03:40,440 --> 01:03:49,480
Speaker 1: period in your life. Cringe.

1176
01:03:49,640 --> 01:03:52,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm grateful that I've gotten to that point that

1177
01:03:53,160 --> 01:03:56,360
Speaker 4: I can sit there and and take hate and be like, well,

1178
01:03:56,520 --> 01:03:59,280
Speaker 4: I mean the that's kind of what that's, you know,

1179
01:04:00,200 --> 01:04:04,440
Speaker 4: quirky or whatever the fuck like my niche being fucking cringey.

1180
01:04:06,480 --> 01:04:09,920
Speaker 1: So it feels good when you're able to successfully post

1181
01:04:10,120 --> 01:04:15,720
Speaker 1: something that you consider to be cringey and just back

1182
01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:20,760
Speaker 1: yeah in that perception and go oh wow, this doesn't

1183
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:27,240
Speaker 1: even hurt me anymore. You know, it's like you're overcoming it. Yeah,

1184
01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:27,600
Speaker 1: it was.

1185
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:30,160
Speaker 4: It was really stupid because like my one of my

1186
01:04:30,240 --> 01:04:32,120
Speaker 4: first posts that ever blew up, I thought was so

1187
01:04:32,240 --> 01:04:35,680
Speaker 4: stupid and cringey, but I actually kept it up because

1188
01:04:35,720 --> 01:04:37,680
Speaker 4: of the whole reason I made the post or the

1189
01:04:37,760 --> 01:04:40,240
Speaker 4: page for you know, the cringe aspect or whatever. And

1190
01:04:40,360 --> 01:04:44,360
Speaker 4: it was like, oh, am I on your for you page.

1191
01:04:44,400 --> 01:04:46,680
Speaker 4: Fuck you keep scrolling because I sucked and I blew

1192
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:50,200
Speaker 4: up and got like forty thousand likes and fucking six

1193
01:04:50,320 --> 01:04:52,640
Speaker 4: hundred follows from it, and I and I was like, Okay,

1194
01:04:53,040 --> 01:04:54,440
Speaker 4: that happened. What happened there?

1195
01:04:57,080 --> 01:04:58,960
Speaker 1: Well, listen, oh would you said? Name was cringe? Cringe.

1196
01:04:58,960 --> 01:05:02,400
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, I think if your

1197
01:05:02,560 --> 01:05:08,520
Speaker 1: primary desire is an outlet for creativity and thoughts, you know,

1198
01:05:08,600 --> 01:05:11,160
Speaker 1: if that's your primary desire, if you're not trying to

1199
01:05:12,800 --> 01:05:17,320
Speaker 1: start a business with this thing, or you know, to

1200
01:05:17,440 --> 01:05:21,840
Speaker 1: become an influence or anything like that, then you're completely

1201
01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:26,760
Speaker 1: free to interact with it on your own time schedule.

1202
01:05:27,560 --> 01:05:30,720
Speaker 1: So even if that's three months from now when you

1203
01:05:30,840 --> 01:05:35,080
Speaker 1: go without opening the app, but in three months you're like, oh,

1204
01:05:35,160 --> 01:05:37,240
Speaker 1: I have this idea and I feel like this is

1205
01:05:37,320 --> 01:05:42,280
Speaker 1: the best outlet for it, then you can start back

1206
01:05:42,360 --> 01:05:45,440
Speaker 1: up then. But I feel like if the desire is

1207
01:05:45,560 --> 01:05:48,400
Speaker 1: not in you to really make something out of this,

1208
01:05:50,400 --> 01:05:51,400
Speaker 1: then I wouldn't.

1209
01:05:51,040 --> 01:06:03,320
Speaker 4: Feel pressured too, right, I understand completely. I just there's

1210
01:06:03,360 --> 01:06:05,720
Speaker 4: a whole aspect of like I got a little too connected,

1211
01:06:05,960 --> 01:06:08,200
Speaker 4: so my followers might even have like a discord server

1212
01:06:08,280 --> 01:06:11,440
Speaker 4: and everything, and then I just kind of fell off

1213
01:06:11,520 --> 01:06:14,400
Speaker 4: and got distant. And it's at the point where like.

1214
01:06:14,480 --> 01:06:14,760
Speaker 2: I just.

1215
01:06:16,480 --> 01:06:19,080
Speaker 4: I want to step back into making stuff, but if

1216
01:06:19,120 --> 01:06:20,960
Speaker 4: I can't stay committed to it, I don't want to

1217
01:06:21,040 --> 01:06:21,680
Speaker 4: let people down.

1218
01:06:22,680 --> 01:06:26,320
Speaker 1: Don't worry about letting people down. That's you're you're You're

1219
01:06:26,360 --> 01:06:28,919
Speaker 1: never gonna be a you're. You have to be okay

1220
01:06:29,000 --> 01:06:38,320
Speaker 1: with letting people down, or else you're just gonna go insane. Okay, Look,

1221
01:06:38,320 --> 01:06:39,800
Speaker 1: if it makes you feel better, I let people down

1222
01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:40,560
Speaker 1: all the time.

1223
01:06:41,600 --> 01:06:41,720
Speaker 2: Uh.

1224
01:06:41,880 --> 01:06:44,320
Speaker 1: I made a little thing with myself, you know, because

1225
01:06:44,320 --> 01:06:46,479
Speaker 1: I'm doing this whole thing and I'm talking to people

1226
01:06:46,480 --> 01:06:50,560
Speaker 1: all the time, and you know, I would like, like, okay,

1227
01:06:50,560 --> 01:06:54,400
Speaker 1: I'll use myself as an example. I would like for

1228
01:06:55,720 --> 01:07:02,840
Speaker 1: people to uh uh, you know, enjoy watching this stream

1229
01:07:03,040 --> 01:07:07,160
Speaker 1: and enjoy interacting with the things that I do on

1230
01:07:07,240 --> 01:07:11,440
Speaker 1: the internet, but not everyone will. Some people will get

1231
01:07:11,480 --> 01:07:13,880
Speaker 1: disappointed if I don't stream for a day, or if

1232
01:07:15,080 --> 01:07:18,040
Speaker 1: you know, I don't have anything to say in response

1233
01:07:18,120 --> 01:07:20,919
Speaker 1: to a phone call, or I don't know any miscellaneous

1234
01:07:21,080 --> 01:07:24,480
Speaker 1: thing that might happen that would piss someone off or

1235
01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:28,480
Speaker 1: quote let them down. But I made a whole thing

1236
01:07:28,560 --> 01:07:31,960
Speaker 1: with myself. I was like, I have I do not.

1237
01:07:33,320 --> 01:07:37,440
Speaker 1: It's unsustainable for me to care about that kind of thing,

1238
01:07:38,200 --> 01:07:41,520
Speaker 1: so I just don't. I just made the executive decision

1239
01:07:42,320 --> 01:07:45,720
Speaker 1: not to care about letting people down for the sake

1240
01:07:45,800 --> 01:07:51,880
Speaker 1: of my own mental health and sustainability. And I'm not

1241
01:07:51,880 --> 01:07:56,480
Speaker 1: gonna tell you what to do, but highly high review.

1242
01:07:56,800 --> 01:08:01,360
Speaker 1: I give a high review of that mindset for the

1243
01:08:01,760 --> 01:08:05,960
Speaker 1: short amount of time that I've inhibited it. Anyway, cringe,

1244
01:08:06,840 --> 01:08:10,040
Speaker 1: Good luck to you and ghek bless you for a

1245
01:08:10,120 --> 01:08:10,720
Speaker 1: thousand years.

1246
01:08:12,720 --> 01:08:12,960
Speaker 3: Thank you.

1247
01:08:13,160 --> 01:08:15,440
Speaker 4: I honestly feel like I might try to do a

1248
01:08:15,680 --> 01:08:18,120
Speaker 4: live tonight, just just to reconnect a little bit with them.

1249
01:08:19,400 --> 01:08:20,519
Speaker 4: Has given me some inspiration.

1250
01:08:21,240 --> 01:08:22,360
Speaker 5: Do it up big, Thank you.

1251
01:08:23,280 --> 01:08:28,040
Speaker 1: Make some merch, cringe, buy it, make a T shirt.

1252
01:08:30,200 --> 01:08:33,519
Speaker 1: I'll buy a T shirt. How much of the t

1253
01:08:33,640 --> 01:08:35,320
Speaker 1: shirts never.

1254
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:39,000
Speaker 2: Beak goes on the line, taking your phone calls every night.

1255
01:08:39,400 --> 01:08:42,040
Speaker 1: Never Bekon goes to it, and I'm just teaching you

1256
01:08:42,120 --> 01:08:46,000
Speaker 1: a loud in your life is not friendly. An expert