1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:25,880 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:30,280 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever 6 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we of 8 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:39,519 Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we're 9 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,959 Speaker 1: going to talk about external validation. We're going to talk 10 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: about external validation and why it is that we seem 11 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: to spend so much of our short, precious, miraculous lives 12 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 1: looking for approval. It's this thought that seems to like 13 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,000 Speaker 1: stalk us in the back of even our most confident moments. 14 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 1: You know, but do they like me? Am I enough? Like? 15 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,400 Speaker 1: What are they secretly thinking about me? Have I proved 16 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,759 Speaker 1: myself yet? And I can't be the only one who 17 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: has kind of realized how much these thoughts just like 18 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:13,320 Speaker 1: take from being able to just exist in my own timeline, 19 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 1: in my own body, in the moment, in the things 20 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:19,040 Speaker 1: that I enjoy. It's like, every single time I do something, 21 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,800 Speaker 1: there is always this thought that has to be devoted 22 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:26,200 Speaker 1: to someone else, which is honestly pretty exhausting. In our twenties, 23 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:30,440 Speaker 1: I think we are particularly susceptible to the hunger and 24 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 1: the need for external validation. It is a decade of 25 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:37,399 Speaker 1: first first jobs, first autut relationships, first time living independently, 26 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 1: and because everything feels uncertain, sometimes it feels like we 27 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 1: just keep looking to our left, keep looking to others, 28 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:47,400 Speaker 1: looking over our shoulder, looking for someone to give us 29 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 1: a sign or give us some sense of guidance that 30 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:54,080 Speaker 1: we are getting it right, that we ourselves are right 31 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,800 Speaker 1: and don't get me wrong. You know, validation feels good. 32 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 1: There's like a rush, a warm like a sense of 33 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: being seen. But it's how much we rely on that 34 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 1: feeling that actually makes a difference. When we rely on 35 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 1: others to tell us we're worthy, we basically hand over 36 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,080 Speaker 1: the keys to our self esteem and say, like, do 37 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,760 Speaker 1: whatever you want with this. You know, every compliment or 38 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,480 Speaker 1: moment of praise can be kind of make or break, 39 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,480 Speaker 1: and every critique is like a threat to a much 40 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,040 Speaker 1: deeper part of who we are, and that is what 41 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:28,120 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about today. It can be addictive, 42 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:32,639 Speaker 1: but external validation is remarkably fragile, as many people who 43 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 1: have had it and lost it will tell you, and 44 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,800 Speaker 1: it can leave us feeling deeply hollow if and when, 45 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: because it is a situation of when it disappears. So 46 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,600 Speaker 1: in this episode, we're going to break down why it 47 00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:48,400 Speaker 1: actually feels so good, why some part of us really 48 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 1: needs it, but then also how we can shift back 49 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,359 Speaker 1: towards internal validation. What are the hidden costs of relying 50 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,920 Speaker 1: on this a little bit too much? How does people's 51 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 1: experience with fame tell us about it external validation and 52 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 1: social approval? And what does it due to our internal compass? 53 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,480 Speaker 1: What does it due to our values? What does it 54 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:12,960 Speaker 1: due to our authentic nature when other people's voices are 55 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:17,359 Speaker 1: always allowed to speak over our own. I'm super excited 56 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,800 Speaker 1: for this episode, Thank you for tuning in. Without further ado, 57 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: let's get into why we crave external validation as much 58 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:35,000 Speaker 1: as we do. So you've probably heard about external internal 59 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: validation is like two sides of the same coin, two 60 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 1: distinct ways we build our sense of self worth, Whilst 61 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: both feel really good and are completely necessary as well. 62 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: We're not trying to like villainize external validation or make 63 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,960 Speaker 1: it seem unimportant. They do come from very different sources, 64 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 1: and they have vastly different impacts on our long term wellbeing. 65 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: So what is the difference. It's in the name. External 66 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 1: validation is any kind of affirmation that comes from the outside, 67 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,640 Speaker 1: specifically that comes from others. It operates on a bit 68 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 1: of a social feedback loop, whereby when someone likes a 69 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:16,000 Speaker 1: photo of yours, or you experience public praise or someone 70 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,719 Speaker 1: saying good job, or someone allowing you into the in group, 71 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,440 Speaker 1: that kind of signals that others not only see us, 72 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,720 Speaker 1: they approve of us, which therefore makes us feel good 73 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,279 Speaker 1: and makes us feel like we are doing something right. 74 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: Think of it kind of like a signal from the 75 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:34,600 Speaker 1: outside world confirming your value and therefore your broader acceptance. 76 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 1: That obviously gives us a little bit of a glow. However, 77 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 1: the problem is that the source of our worth, when 78 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,880 Speaker 1: it is completely external, it also means it's completely outside 79 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: of our control. Even though we can dictate our actions 80 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 1: to try and gain more validation, there's actually no determining 81 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,320 Speaker 1: whether we will actually receive it from our desired target. Therefore, 82 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,120 Speaker 1: it is what we called a borrow or in constant 83 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:05,039 Speaker 1: sense of value that by its very nature, can be 84 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,919 Speaker 1: given or taken away by others at any time, and 85 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:14,599 Speaker 1: more specifically, for any reason. Fair or unfair. Internal validation, however, 86 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 1: is different. It comes from within. Its source is from ourselves. 87 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:24,240 Speaker 1: It's your ability to recognize your own worth, your own effort, integrity, 88 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,600 Speaker 1: your own beauty and specialness and intelligence, regardless of whether 89 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,599 Speaker 1: others react the way that you want them to. This 90 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: type of validation is not about an outcome. It's not 91 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 1: specifically about praise. It's not specifically about social approval. It's 92 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:43,360 Speaker 1: about self approval and self assessment. For example, you know, 93 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 1: instead of waiting for someone to read an article you wrote, 94 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 1: or read or look at something you're really proud of 95 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:54,760 Speaker 1: and acknowledge that for you, you are able to acknowledge your 96 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,720 Speaker 1: hard work independently. You are able to kind of put 97 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,040 Speaker 1: on your objective lenses and say, hey, that actually took 98 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,720 Speaker 1: a lot of time for me, That actually is and 99 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,800 Speaker 1: does show real talent for me, I'm allowed to be 100 00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:11,560 Speaker 1: proud of that, even if my contributions and my effort 101 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 1: goes unnoticed by other people. I think sometimes we have 102 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,840 Speaker 1: like a natural instinct against this, because as much as 103 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 1: we want social approval, we also don't want to come 104 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:25,680 Speaker 1: off as arrogant, and for a lot of cultures individualistic 105 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 1: or collective like humility is something that we prize and 106 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 1: praise beyond anything else. Having internal validation doesn't mean that 107 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: you are like an egomaniac. It just means that you 108 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: actually are able to be honest about your own skills, 109 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:52,160 Speaker 1: about your own effort, about your own internal worth, Like 110 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:59,360 Speaker 1: humility is sometimes just as dishonest as arrogance. So internal 111 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:03,920 Speaker 1: validation and a sense of strong internal self worth, I think, 112 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,479 Speaker 1: when done right, is like one of the most honest 113 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,280 Speaker 1: ways we can show up in society and the most 114 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 1: honest ways we can approach ourselves. The difference really comes 115 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 1: down to this external validation really asked do they think 116 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:21,280 Speaker 1: I'm okay? And internal validation asked do I think I'm okay. 117 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,400 Speaker 1: Think about someone that's just been on a first date. 118 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: Someone reliant on external validation may start thinking, you know, 119 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 1: I really wonder what they thought of me. I really 120 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 1: wonder if they liked my outfit. I really wonder, like 121 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,560 Speaker 1: if they really meant that compliment, if they want to 122 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 1: see me again. If I came off as you know, 123 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 1: I came across as as good or how I want 124 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,800 Speaker 1: to be seen. All of these are important data points, 125 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,640 Speaker 1: but it also at no point asks you how you 126 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:53,560 Speaker 1: value that experience. Having a strong sense of internal validation 127 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: is walking away from a first date or any situation 128 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: and thinking you know, I was super honest, I showed 129 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,240 Speaker 1: up person myself, I had fun one. Whether or not 130 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: they text me back their response to this authentic version 131 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:10,240 Speaker 1: of me doesn't change that experience. And importantly, again both 132 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:14,200 Speaker 1: can coexist. One doesn't cancel the other out. But whilst 133 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:17,800 Speaker 1: both types of validation can coexist, they are not equal. 134 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,040 Speaker 1: One of them is far sturdier than the other. Internal 135 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:26,000 Speaker 1: validation is far more reliable. Self determination theory, which is 136 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:30,720 Speaker 1: a really well established framework in psychology, really shows that 137 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: this is the case, and it suggests that a focus 138 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,720 Speaker 1: on intrinsic sources of affirmation like personal growth, like mastery 139 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,960 Speaker 1: of skills, like acting in alignment with our values is 140 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 1: directly linked and obviously linked to greater psychological resilience, greater 141 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,719 Speaker 1: psychological well being, to being a happier and more well 142 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:54,600 Speaker 1: rounded person. People who are driven by these internal motivators 143 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,840 Speaker 1: are also more likely to be authentic, because if you 144 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,960 Speaker 1: are constantly looking for social approval or you can see 145 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 1: how that completely and will always bring us back to 146 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:09,480 Speaker 1: a very homogeneous and strict norm. People who are able 147 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,480 Speaker 1: to really be guided by what they like about themselves 148 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,160 Speaker 1: and what they like about their actions are actually also 149 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:20,720 Speaker 1: more different and interesting. They also have a stronger resilience 150 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: to setbacks, They have less anxiety, they have less stress. 151 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,079 Speaker 1: This is because they aren't constantly chasing an external price, 152 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,720 Speaker 1: They're not constantly chasing gratification. So their focus, something that 153 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 1: is so precious and so prized, is more finely tuned 154 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,960 Speaker 1: and comes back to the person who really should be 155 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 1: the owner of that focus and should be at the 156 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:49,079 Speaker 1: center of that self focus, which is ourselves. So if 157 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:54,560 Speaker 1: internal validation is so powerful, why is it not the 158 00:09:54,679 --> 00:10:01,840 Speaker 1: natural default? Well, because external validation is more immediate, it's 159 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:05,000 Speaker 1: more addictive, and it is reinforced by both our biology 160 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,400 Speaker 1: and our culture as well. From the time, and I 161 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 1: feel like we talk about this in every single episode, 162 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,080 Speaker 1: We take it back to childhood. But it's because, like 163 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,680 Speaker 1: it really is Pandora's box for so many of these things. 164 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:18,760 Speaker 1: But from the time we are like little tiny humans, 165 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 1: most of us are conditioned to tie our worth to 166 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:25,760 Speaker 1: other people's approval. We learn that good behavior or certain 167 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: behaviors earn praise, bad behaviors bring punishment. We internalize the 168 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,479 Speaker 1: idea that our worth is really dictated by people's reactions 169 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 1: to our actions. In other words, I am what others 170 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 1: say I am I am dictated by how others respond 171 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 1: to me. This is where the concept of the looking 172 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 1: glass self comes in. It was presented by this sociologist 173 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:53,600 Speaker 1: called Charles Houghton Cooley, and he basically argued, and I 174 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 1: agree with him, that our social interactions act as a 175 00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 1: mirror to reflect back how we should view ours. Else 176 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 1: we really do develop our sense of self, not in 177 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,240 Speaker 1: a bubble, but by imagining how others see us, by 178 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 1: interpreting their reactions, and then building our identity around that reflection. 179 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,800 Speaker 1: If people laugh at your jokes, you start to believe 180 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,439 Speaker 1: you're the funny one. If they criticize your looks or 181 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,520 Speaker 1: make sly digs, you start to believe you're unattractive or 182 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:24,440 Speaker 1: that you need to change something about yourself. If people 183 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,560 Speaker 1: tell you you're creative enough, you will begin to see that 184 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,440 Speaker 1: you are a creative person and begin to internalize that 185 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 1: and believe that. We start to view ourselves in the 186 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:38,680 Speaker 1: way we think others view us. And that's the key thing. 187 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,960 Speaker 1: This is to just add another layer to this mirror. 188 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:46,559 Speaker 1: This is only our perception of what they think they 189 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 1: are perceiving. We can never actually know. We can try 190 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: and know, and we can gather information from their praise 191 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,480 Speaker 1: and their compliments and their approval, but at the end 192 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: of the day, like they don't know who we are, 193 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,640 Speaker 1: they don't know ow and ternel motivations for doing things, 194 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:06,400 Speaker 1: and we can't really know why they like something about us, 195 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 1: why they think that that's good, and whether that's a 196 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,680 Speaker 1: path we want to continue to follow. Laid onto this though, 197 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 1: is the need to belong. This is a theory, it's 198 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,680 Speaker 1: a truth called the need to belong theory, and it 199 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:25,120 Speaker 1: basically argues that human beings, you've probably heard this explanation before, 200 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,920 Speaker 1: they are hard wired to seek acceptance and approve of 201 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,160 Speaker 1: because for most of our history, to put it bluntly, 202 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: you know, exclusion, ment, death, and that wiring is still 203 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,599 Speaker 1: in our brains today. It's in an area called the 204 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 1: ventral striatum. A study from uc USC I think University 205 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 1: of California or USC I think it was USC. They 206 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:50,800 Speaker 1: found that forming social ties, which are again essential, relies 207 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:57,000 Speaker 1: specifically on two brain functions, learning from positive outcomes or 208 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:02,920 Speaker 1: learning from social rewards, and tracking how much others value 209 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:06,360 Speaker 1: us through their responses, which is known as relational value. 210 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:11,600 Speaker 1: Both of these systems for literally building relationships and bonds 211 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,360 Speaker 1: with other humans could not operate without us being able 212 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:20,280 Speaker 1: to interpret and internalize external validation. And this makes the 213 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:24,560 Speaker 1: need to belong a powerful, albeit of an unconscious force 214 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,280 Speaker 1: and shaping our behaviors, shaping our self esteem, shaping our 215 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:33,079 Speaker 1: reliance once again on praise, on external validation. It's all 216 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,439 Speaker 1: coming back to it, right, This ventral strayatom that we 217 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,720 Speaker 1: talked about, it also helps trigger dopamine receptors and pleasure 218 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 1: centers in our brain when we do receive social approval. 219 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaker 1: This is a very biological reductionist way of seeing human behavior, 220 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:51,080 Speaker 1: but it essentially says that the only reason we do 221 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:55,319 Speaker 1: anything is if we are rewarded for it, and the 222 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,840 Speaker 1: things that are rewarded the most are the things that 223 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:02,760 Speaker 1: we continue to pursue or do more of, whether that 224 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,800 Speaker 1: is a drug, whether that is a type of food, 225 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,880 Speaker 1: whether that is a type of reaction that we get 226 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: from another human. This dopamine surge creates positive feelings, it 227 00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 1: reinforces that behavior, leading again to more validation seeking behaviors, 228 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,480 Speaker 1: because the more we receive it, the more we crave it. 229 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:30,760 Speaker 1: A twenty sixteen study published in the Journal of Psychological 230 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:36,080 Speaker 1: Sciences really interesting. It looked at this exact mechanism. Basically, 231 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:40,320 Speaker 1: researchers involve the sample of thirty two teenagers aged between 232 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: thirteen and eighteen, and they used an fMRI scanner to 233 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: look at the teenager's brain activity whilst they looked at 234 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 1: photographs on a computer screen. And they designed like these 235 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 1: photos to basically be presented to kind of simulate Instagram 236 00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 1: and to make it feel like a social media feed. 237 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,560 Speaker 1: And they also included photos of the teens themselves and 238 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,880 Speaker 1: also of others, So when the participants saw their own 239 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,880 Speaker 1: photos with a high number of likes, they were told 240 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 1: that other people in this study had really liked those 241 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: photos of them. The brain regions involved in that reward 242 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 1: circuit showed crazy spikes in activity. Interestingly, too, participants were 243 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,480 Speaker 1: also more likely to like a photo of themselves if 244 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:31,080 Speaker 1: they saw that it had already received likes from others, 245 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: so the approval others were giving them directly. This is 246 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 1: the link to the approval and the sense of self 247 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,320 Speaker 1: worth they were giving on to themselves. This combination of 248 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,360 Speaker 1: reward and imitation kind of suggests that the brain is 249 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 1: not only being told this is a good thing to like, 250 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: but also this is a good thing to do. The 251 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 1: brain associates the specific content, the photo, of the pose, 252 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 1: the setting with the positive feeling of social approval. Therefore, 253 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: a person would be more likely to want to recreate 254 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:06,320 Speaker 1: that experience of getting that reward by taking a similar 255 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,320 Speaker 1: photo of themselves, and would also equally learn from the 256 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:13,280 Speaker 1: moments where a specific photo or a specific behavior wasn't 257 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:18,800 Speaker 1: validated as a sign that it isn't accepted, and having 258 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 1: not been accompanied by a dopamine spike, perhaps by a 259 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:26,240 Speaker 1: dopamine drop, they won't perform that behavior anymore. So if 260 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,040 Speaker 1: we consider all these things together, the childhood conditioning, the 261 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:33,480 Speaker 1: evolutionary biology, the modern technology, it really makes sense why 262 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:37,160 Speaker 1: we fall into the trap of chasing external validation. It's quick, 263 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:43,560 Speaker 1: it's powerful, it feels remarkably good until it doesn't. And 264 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,600 Speaker 1: this is where we need to explore the potential harms 265 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: of being reliant on external validation, and so so much 266 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,840 Speaker 1: more and we're going to do so after this short break. 267 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 1: You know what I all end up thinking about when 268 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 1: I talk about external validation, I always end up thinking 269 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: about like the modern day fame cycle, you know. I 270 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: think about how we treat celebrities and musicians, and like 271 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,720 Speaker 1: what it must feel like when they're the it thing, 272 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,160 Speaker 1: when they're like really scratching, like the perfect creative itch 273 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: that like society wants them to, when they're like behaving 274 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,800 Speaker 1: exactly how we want them to, how much praise and 275 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 1: like external validation is like pumped into their veins. And 276 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,320 Speaker 1: then at some point, I think this happens with every 277 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 1: single celebrity, especially female celebrities. At some point the tide 278 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: turns and they're like not the hot thing anymore, They're 279 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:43,800 Speaker 1: not new anymore. I think about Disney stars like Miley Cyrus, 280 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,200 Speaker 1: like Demi Levado, like Lindsay Lohan, and how their entire 281 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,480 Speaker 1: identity as children and teenagers would have been built on 282 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,280 Speaker 1: people telling them what to do and them doing it 283 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:57,399 Speaker 1: and being told good job. And then like overnight that 284 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,520 Speaker 1: goes away for them and they're like suddenly hated. And 285 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,159 Speaker 1: I've been watching a lot of interviews that people have 286 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:07,920 Speaker 1: done with these people, and they talk about how cold 287 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,880 Speaker 1: and dark and scary those moments feel for them, because 288 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:15,119 Speaker 1: they talk about how they were basically monkeys, like trained 289 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:19,120 Speaker 1: to only respond to external validation, whose own internal compass 290 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,320 Speaker 1: was like sledge hammered to death, and so when the 291 00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:25,240 Speaker 1: external validation disappeared, they literally didn't know who they were anymore. 292 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,200 Speaker 1: And obviously this is like a very very very slim 293 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 1: part of society and maybe not entirely relatable, but on 294 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:35,800 Speaker 1: an individual level, like it kind of is so many 295 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,119 Speaker 1: of us, especially if you were like a golden child, 296 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,240 Speaker 1: or like a highly academic child, or a child athlete, 297 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:44,520 Speaker 1: or like the oldest sibling. It's the same process. It's 298 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:47,280 Speaker 1: literally the same system. You're just not like sponsored by 299 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:50,400 Speaker 1: the Disney Channel it felt so good to be praised 300 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,560 Speaker 1: and uses it as an example. But the tap does 301 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,679 Speaker 1: run dry eventually. Eventually you make a mistake. Eventually you 302 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,720 Speaker 1: don't win. Eventually you want to rebel a little bit, 303 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,720 Speaker 1: or you get tied. And if your entire belief system 304 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,600 Speaker 1: is built on the value other people saw in you 305 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 1: and your behavior, there is a long, long drop coming afterwards. 306 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 1: That's the exact trap we're talking about. External validation. Feels 307 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,560 Speaker 1: incredible on the moment, it convinces you to trust in it. 308 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 1: But the more you do, the more fragile your sense 309 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,320 Speaker 1: of self becomes. If you only live for the nod 310 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:26,439 Speaker 1: of approval, if you only live for other people telling 311 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,960 Speaker 1: you you did a good job, you are a good human, 312 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,680 Speaker 1: you're a nice person, you're an attractive person. Pretty soon 313 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:36,240 Speaker 1: your identity becomes a performance, and you morth into the 314 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,440 Speaker 1: kind of person, a kind of person who is like 315 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:44,160 Speaker 1: a human chameleon, constantly scanning the environment and thinking who 316 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,720 Speaker 1: do I need to be today so that they will 317 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:51,760 Speaker 1: like me? And the cost of this is really, really high. 318 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:57,200 Speaker 1: You lose touch with your authentic sense of self, with 319 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: your desires. You start making choices not because they feel right, 320 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 1: but because they will appear right. You might pursue a 321 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:10,359 Speaker 1: career that everyone else calls impressive, doctor, lawyer, executive, whatever 322 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: it is, and then you just feel numb, You just 323 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,120 Speaker 1: feel awful. You have no desire to be there. You 324 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,159 Speaker 1: might stay in a relationship that looks picture perfect to 325 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,240 Speaker 1: your parents, to your friends, to whoever it is because 326 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,440 Speaker 1: everyone else admires it. Everyone else is saying that this 327 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:30,080 Speaker 1: looks great, it must be great, even if behind closed doors, 328 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,520 Speaker 1: you know you're really lonely, and you're really restless, and 329 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:37,040 Speaker 1: you're really unhappy the thought of ending it. You know, 330 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,720 Speaker 1: it's not just that you'd be going through a breakup, 331 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,040 Speaker 1: it's not just that you would be leaving a career. 332 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 1: It feels like this, like huge personal failure of yours 333 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,920 Speaker 1: would be on display. And this is why external validation 334 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:55,600 Speaker 1: is a driver of people pleasing tendencies. Over time, your 335 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,320 Speaker 1: own wants, your own desires, they become muffled. You cannot 336 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:02,160 Speaker 1: hear them clear anymore, because the desire to be liked 337 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,439 Speaker 1: or validated has been fed and fed and fed and 338 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,639 Speaker 1: has become this big, giant monster. And the irony is 339 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,159 Speaker 1: you become so adaptable that you actually start to disappear, 340 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 1: because there is nothing that remains constant about you. As 341 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,040 Speaker 1: you visit different social settings, as you see different people, 342 00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:25,439 Speaker 1: you change your opinions depending on who you're with. You 343 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,640 Speaker 1: laugh at jokes you don't actually find funny. You become 344 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:34,080 Speaker 1: so flexible to the point of erasure. There is also 345 00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:38,400 Speaker 1: this very famous series of studies that show how this 346 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 1: can cause us to not trust ourselves and show us 347 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 1: how it can cause us to just like do really 348 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,560 Speaker 1: silly things. It's probably one of the most famous series 349 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:50,840 Speaker 1: of psychological studies ever done. It's called the ash conformity experiments. 350 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,520 Speaker 1: In these experiments, if you're a psychology student, I'm so sorry, 351 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,520 Speaker 1: but going back to psyche oh one, but I'll be 352 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,680 Speaker 1: brief and i'll describe them. In these experiments, the research 353 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,040 Speaker 1: is one participant in a room with a group of 354 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:07,120 Speaker 1: people who they also thought were participants, and the one 355 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 1: participant didn't know that these other people were in on it. 356 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: I think the room had like seven or maybe ten people, 357 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,080 Speaker 1: and they were asked to do this task. It was 358 00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:19,480 Speaker 1: super simple on the screen. They were shown one line 359 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,679 Speaker 1: and then they were shown three other lines, and they 360 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:25,879 Speaker 1: were basically like link up the one line to the 361 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,399 Speaker 1: other line that it matches, like genuinely a task that 362 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 1: a child could have done. And then what they would 363 00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,480 Speaker 1: have happened is all of the fake participants would say 364 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:39,320 Speaker 1: the wrong answer, like it was glaringly incorrect. Seventy five 365 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,200 Speaker 1: percent of the time, the participants would just go along 366 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:48,200 Speaker 1: with it because they didn't want to experience disapproval. There's 367 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:51,560 Speaker 1: another risk here, obviously. It can cause you to say 368 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,159 Speaker 1: the wrong thing. It can cause you to just do 369 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,960 Speaker 1: things that you know aren't right and not really understand 370 00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:00,159 Speaker 1: those reasons. A more insidious risk is that people who 371 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:04,879 Speaker 1: rely heavily on external validation become very easy targets for manipulation. 372 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:09,960 Speaker 1: You know, a boss that sees that you light up 373 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,600 Speaker 1: when they offer you praise can withhold it strategically. Suddenly 374 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,399 Speaker 1: you're working like seventy hours a week, not because you 375 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,320 Speaker 1: want to, but because you're desperate for that tiny hit 376 00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:23,159 Speaker 1: of recognition. You know the partner who withholds affection unless 377 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,840 Speaker 1: you do what they want. You know, they realize that 378 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:30,320 Speaker 1: your self worth depends on their attention, and so they 379 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,360 Speaker 1: can ration it to keep you insecure, giving you love 380 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,840 Speaker 1: one day, pulling away the next until you're hooked. You're 381 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 1: hooked on chasing their approval instead of really questioning, like, hey, 382 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,399 Speaker 1: what do I actually deserve here? The sibling like to 383 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,480 Speaker 1: give one more example, like the sibling who showers you 384 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,479 Speaker 1: with approval when you serve their needs and withdraws at 385 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:54,600 Speaker 1: the next Again, is operating based on the functions and 386 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: the leavers of external validation and how it can be 387 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:02,679 Speaker 1: pulled and shifted and moved to dictate our behavior. That 388 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:06,680 Speaker 1: is the hidden danger of maybe accidentally building your entire 389 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:09,560 Speaker 1: worth on what other people think. It doesn't just cost 390 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,159 Speaker 1: you your own voice, it puts power in someone else's hands. 391 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:14,719 Speaker 1: This is actually a state that has a name as 392 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:18,120 Speaker 1: known as contingent self esteem, and this occurs where your 393 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:24,200 Speaker 1: self worth is entirely dependent on external outcomes. Research has 394 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:28,280 Speaker 1: consistently shown that those who have higher levels of contingent 395 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:33,520 Speaker 1: self esteem are significantly more likely to experience greater depressive symptoms. 396 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,840 Speaker 1: They are also more likely to report a less coherent 397 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:40,240 Speaker 1: sense of self less confidence in their abilities as well, 398 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,720 Speaker 1: And this totally makes sense, Like, yes, we are built 399 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 1: to operate within social systems and around community, and approval 400 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:52,040 Speaker 1: as part of those systems is something that we want. 401 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 1: But you are also an individual with unique thoughts and 402 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:59,159 Speaker 1: feelings and desires and intentions, and that has to be 403 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:04,040 Speaker 1: honored as well, otherwise you will feel completely detached. And ironically, 404 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:07,239 Speaker 1: the more you do, the less people actually know you, 405 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,760 Speaker 1: and maybe like you. They know like the agreeable version 406 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,480 Speaker 1: and the adaptable version and the one who never rocks 407 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,480 Speaker 1: the boat, but that's not actually you. They don't know 408 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,719 Speaker 1: the parts of you that maybe you feel are too 409 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:23,439 Speaker 1: vulnerable to share. Because it might upset them. Also, you know, 410 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:27,680 Speaker 1: intimacy requires friction. Sometimes it requires disagreeing with people, it 411 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:32,600 Speaker 1: requires upsetting them, you know, because that's just human nature. 412 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,160 Speaker 1: Sometimes you're not always going to get along. People do 413 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,479 Speaker 1: things that may hurt you. But if you're afraid of 414 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 1: calling them out or afraid of putting them on the spot, 415 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,280 Speaker 1: you're never actually going to be able to resolve anything 416 00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:48,480 Speaker 1: or be get to know someone deeper. Some people don't 417 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,680 Speaker 1: agree with me when I say this, but I've found 418 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 1: this to be true from my own experience. You don't 419 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:59,000 Speaker 1: really know a friend, and you don't really have the 420 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,480 Speaker 1: promise of a long life friendship until you have survived 421 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,639 Speaker 1: your first disagreement or your first argument. Because it shows 422 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,520 Speaker 1: you can meet each other on a deeper level. You 423 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,439 Speaker 1: know that you want to understand the other person, and 424 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 1: it shows that like you're willing to just be like, 425 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:14,720 Speaker 1: this is my opinion, this is my perspective, this is 426 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: who I am, and I need you to respect that. 427 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:21,439 Speaker 1: But if you're constantly running away from that vulnerability, or 428 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:26,000 Speaker 1: you're constantly running away from uncomfortable moments because it might 429 00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:29,440 Speaker 1: mean that someone may like you less, it actually does 430 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:33,840 Speaker 1: mean that your opportunities for intimacy platonic to do with 431 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:37,919 Speaker 1: family romantic, they become more limited. This brings me to 432 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,080 Speaker 1: a concept I talk about a lot which I love, 433 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,920 Speaker 1: called validation debt. We can think about it like this. 434 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:49,560 Speaker 1: When you finance your sense of worth through other people, 435 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:53,760 Speaker 1: you're essentially taking out loans, and at first the interest 436 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:57,879 Speaker 1: seems super manageable. You know, a compliment here, like a 437 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,879 Speaker 1: bit of encouragement, a bit of engagement there. It sustains 438 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:04,359 Speaker 1: you and you can kind of also rely on yourself 439 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:07,600 Speaker 1: a little bit as well. But over time the debt 440 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:12,040 Speaker 1: piles up. You need bigger and bigger payments, more praise, 441 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:16,640 Speaker 1: more reassurance just to feel stable. And when those payments 442 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:21,240 Speaker 1: don't come, you go into a deficit. That's validation debt. 443 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:25,480 Speaker 1: The more you outsource, the more you borrow, the less 444 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:29,520 Speaker 1: capable you feel of doing it yourself. And here's the 445 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:34,200 Speaker 1: thing about debt is stressful. Emotional debt, validation debt is stressful, 446 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,480 Speaker 1: and so as you're facing that stress, you do actually 447 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 1: chase reassurance even harder, which ironically actually makes you feel 448 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 1: even less capable of holding yourself up. So how do 449 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 1: we get our authority back? How do we get our 450 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,520 Speaker 1: internal validation back, especially if it does feel like you've 451 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:55,520 Speaker 1: outsourced it for years, and I get it. I have 452 00:27:55,600 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 1: done that for a while myself. It's not your fault, 453 00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,280 Speaker 1: it's not that I'm sitting here and judging you for it. 454 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 1: I just want to help you kind of unlock the 455 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,000 Speaker 1: magic and unlock the ordinary things that you do and 456 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:13,399 Speaker 1: you can do to bring yourself back to having a 457 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:18,120 Speaker 1: stable internal sense of self worth. I think the first 458 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:21,560 Speaker 1: step is really noticing the moments when you do tend 459 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:25,840 Speaker 1: to outsource your worth. Maybe you know you change your 460 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:29,440 Speaker 1: caption like a million times before posting a photo, Maybe 461 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,439 Speaker 1: like you rehearse your opinion in your head a million 462 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,680 Speaker 1: times before saying it out loud, just to make sure 463 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:38,320 Speaker 1: it won't be wrong. Catching yourself in these small moments 464 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: of self monitoring can be uncomfortable, but awareness in those 465 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:48,000 Speaker 1: moments is also everything. Without it, you really can't shift 466 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,400 Speaker 1: the pattern. What this allows you to do is notice 467 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,160 Speaker 1: the kind of things that you actually might be a 468 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 1: little bit insecure about, which is why you feel like 469 00:28:56,240 --> 00:29:00,000 Speaker 1: you need that extra boost from If you only feel 470 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 1: confident and satisfied with how you look when your friends 471 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,880 Speaker 1: compliment your outfit or your makeup. Then it's likely that 472 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:10,120 Speaker 1: this is an area of deeper insecurity for you, and 473 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:13,400 Speaker 1: you can use these moments as kind of target practice, 474 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:17,040 Speaker 1: as opportunities to really understand where you need to pour 475 00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:21,520 Speaker 1: more deeply into yourself. Another piece of this is really 476 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,360 Speaker 1: reconnecting with your values and reconnecting with the fact that 477 00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:29,560 Speaker 1: you are an incredibly unique and worthwhile person, whether someone 478 00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:32,800 Speaker 1: else sees that or not. While you're busy trying to 479 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:36,880 Speaker 1: earn the validation of others, what you may not realize 480 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,720 Speaker 1: is that you have everything you need within you to 481 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,480 Speaker 1: validate your own experiences, and that there are going to 482 00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:45,560 Speaker 1: be a lot of times people won't understand why you're 483 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,800 Speaker 1: doing something, or won't understand you, or won't like you 484 00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:52,560 Speaker 1: for whatever freakin' reason and for whatever projection they've got 485 00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:55,480 Speaker 1: going on, and you're still going to be okay. Spend 486 00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,920 Speaker 1: some time just with relearning what you really care about 487 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:01,400 Speaker 1: and more importan, only what kind of person you want 488 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:06,240 Speaker 1: to be? Really ask yourself this, really try this exercise 489 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,920 Speaker 1: for me. Imagine what kind of old person you want 490 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: to be, Not the next person you want to be 491 00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:13,640 Speaker 1: in five years, not the person you want to be 492 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,320 Speaker 1: in twenty in like forty years, Like what kind of 493 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,360 Speaker 1: person do you want people to say that you were? 494 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,040 Speaker 1: What kind of person do you want to operate as? 495 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:23,640 Speaker 1: What kind of person do you see in your life 496 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:28,640 Speaker 1: who you think, Wow, they are really amazing and they're unshakable? 497 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,200 Speaker 1: How could you make yourself more like that? And how 498 00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 1: you make yourself more like that is by prioritizing what 499 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:38,160 Speaker 1: you value as a daily act, whether it is kindness, 500 00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:43,080 Speaker 1: whether it is creativity, honesty, independence, When was the last 501 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:45,640 Speaker 1: time you did anything that was in line with these things? 502 00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:52,120 Speaker 1: Your identity and your internal sense of self worth? And yeah, 503 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 1: your identity is a verb, like you have to actually 504 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 1: act on the things that you want to be. You 505 00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,800 Speaker 1: have to act on your creative instinct instead of just 506 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,800 Speaker 1: continuing to tell yourself that you or creative. You have 507 00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:03,880 Speaker 1: to act on your generosity, You have to act on 508 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,560 Speaker 1: your independence. You have to act on the parts of 509 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:09,320 Speaker 1: you that you want to remain stable, so that you 510 00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:14,440 Speaker 1: aren't just relying on the kind of less nourishing forms 511 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:19,680 Speaker 1: of external validation people might incidentally give you. It might 512 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 1: feel really weird at first, but you'll be really surprised 513 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:26,320 Speaker 1: about how much stuff you actually do for some kind 514 00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:30,080 Speaker 1: of gratification from others, and how little we actually do 515 00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:34,160 Speaker 1: for ourselves. So when you stop engaging with those things 516 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 1: and you start really tapping into the things that you 517 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 1: really want to do, you do start to live more 518 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:42,640 Speaker 1: authentically and a lot of stuff follows in and flows 519 00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:44,520 Speaker 1: in from that. It's like you open up the doors 520 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,880 Speaker 1: to just feel a deep sense of like confidence and 521 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,640 Speaker 1: love for yourself. The next step speaking of self love 522 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:55,080 Speaker 1: is to practice self recognition. This can sound a little 523 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,960 Speaker 1: bit corny, but it's powerful. Every time you do something 524 00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,360 Speaker 1: that you're proud of, whether it is completing a reject 525 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:03,240 Speaker 1: at work, setting a healthy boundary, committing to a goal, 526 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,440 Speaker 1: taking a pause, and like resisting the urge to just 527 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:11,880 Speaker 1: do something, making something creative, doing something creative instead of 528 00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:14,719 Speaker 1: just being like cool, I'm gonna tell someone about that, 529 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:18,200 Speaker 1: or I'm just gonna move on from that. Really notice 530 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:21,080 Speaker 1: how you feel on yourself. Bask in that feeling for 531 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,640 Speaker 1: a little while, that feeling of pride. It's okay to 532 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 1: feel proud of what you have done. It's not arrogant. 533 00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:30,720 Speaker 1: Reflect on it, cherish it, bury it deep inside of you, 534 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,960 Speaker 1: like even if it's just for a minute. Reinforce this 535 00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:38,160 Speaker 1: idea through this act that your own self evaluation matters, 536 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 1: and that you are able to pour into yourself and 537 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,720 Speaker 1: acknowledge yourself as much as anyone else is able to. 538 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:49,040 Speaker 1: Part of this is also about tolerating discomfort. When you 539 00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:52,400 Speaker 1: start to rely less on external validation, there will be 540 00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:56,000 Speaker 1: moments that feel completely unbearable. I'm not gonna like sugarcoat it. 541 00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:00,360 Speaker 1: There will be moments where people will respond negative to 542 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,680 Speaker 1: the fact that you don't need them to valid at 543 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:06,320 Speaker 1: you anymore, and it's gonna feel really awful. There will 544 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:08,680 Speaker 1: be moments when you want someone to reassure you and 545 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:12,760 Speaker 1: they won't, and that gap can feel like rejection. But 546 00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,200 Speaker 1: if you can just sit in it, breathe through it, 547 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:20,240 Speaker 1: and just notice that you are okay after it has happened. 548 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:24,520 Speaker 1: Notice how you survive those moments. Notice how, yeah, someone 549 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,360 Speaker 1: not liking you is uncomfortable, it doesn't mean the end 550 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:32,760 Speaker 1: of the world. You are strengthening once again that internal muscle. 551 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:38,080 Speaker 1: And of course there will always be those moments, no 552 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:43,360 Speaker 1: matter how hard you try, where someone will not like you, 553 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:48,440 Speaker 1: where someone will disagree with you. I always say this, 554 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:52,840 Speaker 1: like every single person has a hater, even the most brilliant, 555 00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 1: magnificent person that you know who you think, no one 556 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:02,040 Speaker 1: could hate, no one could disagree with they have a hater, 557 00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:06,000 Speaker 1: And how much time would they waste? How much time 558 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:10,479 Speaker 1: would you waste if you just only could think about 559 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:14,279 Speaker 1: how you could change their mind and never thought about 560 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:18,960 Speaker 1: how you could change yours in terms of valuing their opinion. 561 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,600 Speaker 1: So here are some reminders, some final reminders to carry 562 00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:28,160 Speaker 1: with you in these situations. First, remember that being liked 563 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,040 Speaker 1: is not the same as being loved. I spent a 564 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:36,520 Speaker 1: lot of time in my early twenties desperately like changing myself, 565 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:41,480 Speaker 1: switching things up, hiding parts about myself so that people 566 00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:44,759 Speaker 1: and especially guys like would like me, would want to 567 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:49,799 Speaker 1: date me, would find that I was conveniently able to 568 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:55,120 Speaker 1: slot into their life. Did they love me? No? Did 569 00:34:55,160 --> 00:35:00,000 Speaker 1: they respect me? Probably not either. Being liked it often 570 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,200 Speaker 1: it feels like you are like smoothing out a rough 571 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,680 Speaker 1: edge so that it doesn't you know, clip someone on 572 00:35:05,719 --> 00:35:08,880 Speaker 1: the way past. It feels like you're adapting, fitting in. 573 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:11,880 Speaker 1: It feels like you are doing other people the favor, 574 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:15,520 Speaker 1: and it feels like you are winning love. You're not 575 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,359 Speaker 1: being loved. Being truly loved means someone seeing those rough 576 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:24,600 Speaker 1: edges and staying anyways and liking those quirks. It also 577 00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:27,440 Speaker 1: means not asking for someone else to change just so 578 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,680 Speaker 1: that it's easier for you to fit them into your life. 579 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:37,600 Speaker 1: Ask yourself, am I chasing likability at the expense of authenticity? 580 00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:43,120 Speaker 1: Second the second reminder, every time you perform for approval, 581 00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:47,359 Speaker 1: you lose a little bit of intimacy with yourself. And 582 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,240 Speaker 1: you know what I'm not talking about like wearing makeup, 583 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:51,920 Speaker 1: and I'm not talking about putting a little bit of 584 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:55,600 Speaker 1: extra effort into you know, your appearance, and I'm not 585 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:58,080 Speaker 1: talking about asking for a compliment from your boss. What 586 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,840 Speaker 1: I'm talking about here is that emotional debt we mentioned earlier, 587 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:09,480 Speaker 1: that emotional debt whereby you choose something that is less 588 00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:14,080 Speaker 1: comfortable for you so that you can gain something from 589 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:19,680 Speaker 1: someone else by changing yourself. Again, it's not love. And 590 00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:22,919 Speaker 1: it's also like I always imagine like my inner child 591 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:26,400 Speaker 1: sitting there and like loving my outfit, loving what I'm wearing, 592 00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,880 Speaker 1: and me being like, no wrong choice. We're gonna do 593 00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:32,799 Speaker 1: what Todd wants me to wear. We're gonna choose an action, 594 00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:36,799 Speaker 1: We're gonna make a decision based off like some anonymous, inanimate, 595 00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:42,640 Speaker 1: cumulative force of other people's opinions. Your opinion doesn't matter 596 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:46,160 Speaker 1: as much to me. When you override your real thoughts 597 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,320 Speaker 1: and feelings just to fit in, you are telling yourself 598 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:53,399 Speaker 1: that your opinion and your truth isn't valid unless someone 599 00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:55,759 Speaker 1: else approves of it. And we know how dangerous of 600 00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:58,839 Speaker 1: a message that is to internalize, because you end up 601 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:03,960 Speaker 1: being someone who can be easily swayed, easily manipulated, and 602 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:10,360 Speaker 1: easily cruel and mean to yourself. Third, and this is 603 00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:12,560 Speaker 1: similar to what I was talking about before, but I 604 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,600 Speaker 1: just want to give it its own space in this episode, 605 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:19,680 Speaker 1: you actually can't control other people's opinions, even if you 606 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,880 Speaker 1: think that you dictating your actions and dictating your behaviors 607 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:27,520 Speaker 1: is you can twist yourself into knots to appear perfect 608 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:30,240 Speaker 1: and someone still won't like you. You can be perfect 609 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:33,640 Speaker 1: for one person and someone else will hate you for it, 610 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:37,319 Speaker 1: not because you did anything wrong, but because people carry 611 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:41,680 Speaker 1: their own preferences, people carry their own projections, their own insecurities. 612 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:45,480 Speaker 1: You know, you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in 613 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:46,879 Speaker 1: the world and there's still going to be someone who 614 00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:52,640 Speaker 1: doesn't like peaches. Right the relief isn't realizing that that's okay, 615 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:56,440 Speaker 1: and their opinion is like literally none of your business, 616 00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:01,480 Speaker 1: the same way that your opinion of them none of 617 00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:05,000 Speaker 1: their business. Either. As much as we want social approval, 618 00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:10,080 Speaker 1: we can live without the social approval of people who 619 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,120 Speaker 1: we need to bend over backwards to obtain. There are 620 00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:15,319 Speaker 1: plenty of people in the world who will give you 621 00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:18,439 Speaker 1: what you need without you needing to change, And even 622 00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:22,400 Speaker 1: if those people never show up, you always have yourself. Lastly, 623 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:25,439 Speaker 1: a really simple mantra that you might want to keep 624 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:28,440 Speaker 1: close if any of today's conversation has resonated with you, 625 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,680 Speaker 1: is that I want to be chosen for who I am, 626 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:38,759 Speaker 1: not for the version of me that performs best for approval. You, 627 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,240 Speaker 1: at the end of the day, have a very short 628 00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:48,319 Speaker 1: time on this earth. Sometimes reinforcing and reminding yourself of 629 00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:52,160 Speaker 1: that existential perspective that you really don't have much time 630 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,759 Speaker 1: reminds you that if you don't have much time, you 631 00:38:55,800 --> 00:39:00,239 Speaker 1: have even less time for the opinions of others. You 632 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:03,839 Speaker 1: have even less less time for the opinions of others 633 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:06,719 Speaker 1: who want to tear you down, either consciously or unconsciously. 634 00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:11,839 Speaker 1: If this is all you have this experience. Your time 635 00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:14,200 Speaker 1: and your energy is precious. Please do not waste it 636 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:18,560 Speaker 1: on someone else. They've got the time for themselves. You've 637 00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:21,239 Speaker 1: got the time for yourself. Make sure that you are 638 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:25,480 Speaker 1: using it sparingly and in an important manner. Again, we 639 00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:29,680 Speaker 1: are social beings. It's not that getting social approval or 640 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,480 Speaker 1: being loved or heard or seen or complimented is a 641 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:36,360 Speaker 1: bad thing. These things are deeply nourishing. It's just that 642 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:41,120 Speaker 1: these are the decorations. These are the decorations like in 643 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:46,040 Speaker 1: the house, these are the decorations that come secondary. You've 644 00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:48,040 Speaker 1: got to build the foundation. You've got to have a roof, 645 00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:51,120 Speaker 1: you've got to have wolves, you got to have plumbing. 646 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:55,240 Speaker 1: You've got to feel stable and tall on yourself before 647 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:58,719 Speaker 1: asking other people to decorate your internal home for you. 648 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,520 Speaker 1: At the end of the day, the strongest and most 649 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:05,880 Speaker 1: consistent kind of validation is the one that is steadily 650 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:10,440 Speaker 1: within you. Please do not forget it. Please do not 651 00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:14,319 Speaker 1: forget to cherish it. Don't forget that like you're a 652 00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:17,560 Speaker 1: freaking badass, and that you're really freaking cool, and that 653 00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:22,200 Speaker 1: you're an amazing, intelligent and kind person, and all of 654 00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:25,080 Speaker 1: that would still be the case if every single person 655 00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:27,520 Speaker 1: in your life was replaced with a whole other group 656 00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:30,080 Speaker 1: of people tomorrow. There is something within you that no 657 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:32,759 Speaker 1: one else can have, no one else can change, no 658 00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:36,800 Speaker 1: one else is entitled to, and which will exist regardless 659 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:40,160 Speaker 1: of approval or not. Make sure that your relationship with 660 00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:43,040 Speaker 1: what makes you you remain strong in the face of 661 00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:46,759 Speaker 1: all of that. Thank you for listening as far as 662 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,840 Speaker 1: you have. If you've made it to the end of 663 00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:53,239 Speaker 1: the episode, I really really appreciate it. Leave some suggestions 664 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:56,360 Speaker 1: down below with what makes you confident and what makes 665 00:40:56,400 --> 00:41:02,840 Speaker 1: you I guess able to fight off the desire for 666 00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:07,880 Speaker 1: constant external validation for me, like that's music for me. 667 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:11,880 Speaker 1: That's like spending time with people that I love. For 668 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:17,000 Speaker 1: me as well, that's like every single morning waking up 669 00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:20,120 Speaker 1: and just being like I want to I just want 670 00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:22,840 Speaker 1: to be and I want to experience this in the 671 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:26,359 Speaker 1: way and experience life in this day in the way 672 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:29,200 Speaker 1: that is most profound for me. And if people criticize 673 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,680 Speaker 1: me or if people don't understand that, like I really 674 00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:34,680 Speaker 1: don't owe them an explanation. And I think it's really 675 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:38,520 Speaker 1: having that value set, that system of like Okay, I 676 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:40,399 Speaker 1: know what I want and I know where I'm going 677 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:43,200 Speaker 1: and I know who I need to be. Everything else 678 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:47,680 Speaker 1: is a distraction. So what's your tip? What is your advice? 679 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,120 Speaker 1: Share it down below. Make sure to leave a five 680 00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:52,320 Speaker 1: star review if you are listening and if you enjoyed 681 00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:57,120 Speaker 1: this episode, and make sure you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, 682 00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:01,280 Speaker 1: the iet radio app where wherever you are tuning in from. 683 00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:04,279 Speaker 1: You can also follow us on Instagram at that psychology 684 00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:07,560 Speaker 1: podcast if you want to break down of this episode, 685 00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,600 Speaker 1: if you want to give us an episode suggestion or 686 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:14,160 Speaker 1: a guest suggestion, if you want just to talk further 687 00:42:14,239 --> 00:42:16,759 Speaker 1: about your thoughts on this episode, I'd love to hear 688 00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:19,840 Speaker 1: from you. And until next time, be safe, be kind, 689 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,040 Speaker 1: be gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.