Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. One of the most difficult and challenging things
Speaker 1: that we all face in life is unlearning what we
Speaker 1: learned as children, whether it relates to how we eat,
Speaker 1: what we expect, what we accept, unlearning what we learned
Speaker 1: as children, and until we can take a hard look
Speaker 1: at that, until we're willing to say or recognize this
Speaker 1: is not good for me. I know I've done it
Speaker 1: all my life. I know my mother did it, my
Speaker 1: grandmother did it, my grandfather, every the dog, the birds,
Speaker 1: the fish, everybody did it. But until we're willing to
Speaker 1: look at how we do, what we do and the
Speaker 1: payoff we get for it, it's going to be challenging
Speaker 1: to unlearn the things that we learned as children. I
Speaker 1: frequently tell this story about me and the brulosoapads, and
Speaker 1: it sounds so ridiculous, but it makes a point. My mom,
Speaker 1: you use sospads. They were blue and circle, and they
Speaker 1: were high class soapads. And one day I went shopping
Speaker 1: my children were young, I had a very limited budget,
Speaker 1: and they had brillow soappads on sale, and I could
Speaker 1: not bring myself to buy the brillow soapads, which were
Speaker 1: twenty five thirty cent less than the sos. I was
Speaker 1: in the supermarket weeping because I didn't want to be
Speaker 1: disloyal to the pattern that I had learned of cleaning
Speaker 1: my pots with a round blue soapad instead of a
Speaker 1: square pink soapad. Now I know that sounds ridiculous, but
Speaker 1: it was a pattern I was familiar. It made me
Speaker 1: feel safe, It was loyal to the family. Traits and
Speaker 1: requirements all of us have them, and one of the
Speaker 1: most challenging and difficult ones to overcome is when as
Speaker 1: children we learn how to be loyal to people who
Speaker 1: treat us badly, whether they beat us or violate us,
Speaker 1: or starve us or ignore us. We become accustomed to
Speaker 1: that treatment, and it's what we look for expect, and
Speaker 1: more importantly, is what we attract when we become adults
Speaker 1: on learning what we learned as children. It's a difficult task,
Speaker 1: but it can be done. My first guess is at
Speaker 1: that door, on that step, take a listen. Good morning, beloved,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the R spot. And what is your relationship
Speaker 1: challenge or issue that we are going to dig into today.
Speaker 2: I recently left from an abusive relationship, and right now
Speaker 2: I'm finding myself figuring out who I am from here
Speaker 2: and why I continue to make excuses for people who
Speaker 2: don't treat me right.
Speaker 1: So you say you left an abusive relationship. Are we
Speaker 1: talking physical abuse, mental abuse, all of it?
Speaker 2: All of it?
Speaker 1: Okay? And how long were you in that relationship?
Speaker 2: For about three years?
Speaker 1: Three years? Well, how are you doing?
Speaker 2: To be honest, I still find myself making excuses for
Speaker 2: that individual because I too was abusive to him on
Speaker 2: two occasions. But I don't think that that calls for
Speaker 2: how much abuse I endured throughout the relationship. And I
Speaker 2: just feel that I am making excuses for both my
Speaker 2: own actions as well as theirs.
Speaker 1: Did you grow up around abuse?
Speaker 2: I did, yes?
Speaker 1: And what can you tell me about that?
Speaker 2: So? When I was seven years old. I can recall
Speaker 2: my first time being sexually abused, and then from there
Speaker 2: I experienced abusive behaviors from both my mom as well
Speaker 2: as how she treated my father and as well as
Speaker 2: how she spoke to me and dealt with me. So
Speaker 2: there was a lot of acceptance there when I was
Speaker 2: young that I had to learn or accept early on.
Speaker 1: Abuse is familiar to you, physical, mental, and also sexual.
Speaker 1: It's familiar, yes, And what happens when we have early
Speaker 1: experiences of whatever you know, it could be hunger, it
Speaker 1: could be abuse, it could be abandonment. What happens is
Speaker 1: that then becomes the template for for which we bond
Speaker 1: with people.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: It's like you're a radio, right sending out frequencies into
Speaker 1: the universe, and people will tune into your frequency, and
Speaker 1: so you'll draw in people that match your frequency. So
Speaker 1: if you have a frequency of love is abusive, abuse
Speaker 1: is familiar, or being treated like this is a pattern,
Speaker 1: you'll just attract people who are on that frequency. So
Speaker 1: your work, my Beloved, has to be about clearing out
Speaker 1: and leveling up or raising up that frequency. Have you
Speaker 1: ever gotten any therapy counseling around the experience of abuse
Speaker 1: that you've had. No, Okay, well that's step number one.
Speaker 1: You've got to Yeah, therapy, counseling, because that's where you're vibrating,
Speaker 1: and it's familiar. It's a pattern that you'll use to
Speaker 1: bond with people. But the bigger, the bigger issue that
Speaker 1: you can deal with or need to deal with, is
Speaker 1: remaining loyal to people who treat you badly.
Speaker 2: When you say remaining loyal to people who treat me badly,
Speaker 2: is that because I've become familiar and okay with the
Speaker 2: bad treatment?
Speaker 1: Yeah? You know as a child, I heard you say
Speaker 1: you were sexually abused at seven. Seven is such a
Speaker 1: critical age when we're learning our identity and autonomy. Autonomy
Speaker 1: meaning functioning on your own and making choices and making decisions,
Speaker 1: and your identity. You know, who am I and what's
Speaker 1: important to me? So, if you were sexually abused at seven,
Speaker 1: was it repetitive? Did you tell anybody? Did you have
Speaker 1: to hold its secret?
Speaker 2: So? I I didn't tell anyone. My cousin actually did,
Speaker 2: so I held it a secret for about a year.
Speaker 2: It was repetitive, and when it did come out to
Speaker 2: my family, of course everyone was upset initially, but eventually
Speaker 2: it was swept under the rug. I constantly had to
Speaker 2: see that individual at family functions, events, and no one
Speaker 2: truly addressed it or provided therapy or even a conversation
Speaker 2: you know, on the topic.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so what happens to me doesn't matter. That's a
Speaker 1: decision that can be made when something unpleasant or painful,
Speaker 1: hurtful is happening to you and it gets swept under
Speaker 1: the rug. As a child, the decision or the choice
Speaker 1: that you make is what happens to me doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: And as you said, you had to see this person
Speaker 1: that family functions and and and act like nothing was
Speaker 1: going on. So now you bring into it a level
Speaker 1: of emotional dishonesty, because I can imagine you were afraid
Speaker 1: or I mean, you can tell me how did you
Speaker 1: feel when you saw this person?
Speaker 2: Honestly nothing, because I've endured so much at a young
Speaker 2: newstead nothing I feel nothing. Usually when I am being abused,
Speaker 2: treated badly, I feel nothing. I brush it off as
Speaker 2: it is. If it meant nothing is that it wasn't
Speaker 2: even a big deal.
Speaker 1: And the the a way to think about that, and
Speaker 1: particularly for us as children, when bad things are going on,
Speaker 1: we leave home, meaning we leave the body, we go
Speaker 1: someplace in our mind or just to be able to
Speaker 1: endure it. Because it's children, you can't go anywhere. You
Speaker 1: have to stay that some kids are you know they
Speaker 1: will run away. But in your mind, you know you
Speaker 1: have to leave home, meaning you have to leave your
Speaker 1: physical place. So not only do you leave home in
Speaker 1: your mind you learn how to accommodate and accept. But
Speaker 1: the big thing is you don't own your body. Your
Speaker 1: body isn't yours. Does that make sense to you?
Speaker 2: Yes? Yeah, what do I say you?
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after the spring. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot, beloved. You've got to get some
Speaker 1: help for this, you know. And I want to acknowledge
Speaker 1: your courage for just being able to talk about it,
Speaker 1: because you'd be surprised how many people are right where
Speaker 1: you are and don't even have the language or the
Speaker 1: courage to talk about it. So good for you. And
Speaker 1: what that tells me is you're really ready to heal.
Speaker 1: But this is not something you can take a pill for.
Speaker 1: This is not something you can wish away. You need
Speaker 1: support to unravel the tentacles of this. If you've got
Speaker 1: abuse by mom, if you were a witness to abuse
Speaker 1: if you were violated. That seven year old in there
Speaker 1: is running your life. She's making choices and decisions, and
Speaker 1: she's sending out a radio signal that's going to keep
Speaker 1: attracting in what she's familiar with. It's a pattern, and
Speaker 1: I dare I say it's at this point a habit,
Speaker 1: an unconscious habit, but a habit based on the frequency
Speaker 1: on your radio station.
Speaker 2: Wow. Yeah, So all of those things that I'll need
Speaker 2: to revisit and work on. But if right now, I'm
Speaker 2: still continuously answering the phone for that individual because I
Speaker 2: have not yet, it hasn't clicked in my mind that
Speaker 2: this is unhealthy, that this is abuse, this is actually abuse,
Speaker 2: this is toxic. So I'm still answering the phone for
Speaker 2: this individual.
Speaker 1: Until today, until today, because now you know and you
Speaker 1: are empowered to make another choice. It's like if you've
Speaker 1: got to stop drinking or abusing a substance or smoking,
Speaker 1: you know you have to go into recovery or detox,
Speaker 1: and that's where you need to help because it's familiar.
Speaker 1: It's a pattern, it's a habit, it's what you know.
Speaker 1: So that seven year old who couldn't leave home, who
Speaker 1: didn't talk to anybody who was forced to sweep this
Speaker 1: under the rug, who was forced to act like this
Speaker 1: didn't happen. That part of you is still running your
Speaker 1: life and you're just behaving in a way that's familiar
Speaker 1: to her. So how old are you now, physically thirty? Okay,
Speaker 1: you have to take charge of that seven year old.
Speaker 1: But she's been allowed to run this show. But now
Speaker 1: at thirty, I need you to say no, no, don't
Speaker 1: answer that, don't talk to him. So when you now
Speaker 1: at thirty, find yourself answering the phone or talking to
Speaker 1: that person, know that it's the part of you that thinks,
Speaker 1: or feels or believes this is familiar, and that's who's responding.
Speaker 1: So as thirty, you have to take control of her.
Speaker 2: That person within me, that feeling within me. What the
Speaker 2: bad habits that I've grown are dictating my current life,
Speaker 2: my current decisions, my current emotions towards pain and my
Speaker 2: coping that moment, that little girl is dictating my life
Speaker 2: right now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's say your name is Patty. You may call
Speaker 1: her little Patty. So big Patty, you know, has to
Speaker 1: do for her now what wasn't done for her back then?
Speaker 1: What would you have wanted your mom to do once
Speaker 1: she knew or some adult didn't have to be mom.
Speaker 1: Was there an adult that you trusted and who supported you?
Speaker 1: Was there anyone?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Well, are you willing to be the big person that
Speaker 1: little person can trust and take care of her? Are
Speaker 1: you willing to do that now?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: I am, Because this is real simple. If you're saying
Speaker 1: that person is calling you now, I'm I have like
Speaker 1: about zero technical ability, but I do know you can
Speaker 1: block a person. Yes, block them, just block the call.
Speaker 1: Are you in a safe place where this person can't
Speaker 1: get to you?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Physically? Yes, Okay, block them. It's just that simple. But see,
Speaker 1: she's also afraid that if she doesn't give that person
Speaker 1: what they want, nobody's gonna love her. Does that sound familiar?
Speaker 2: Yes, that's exactly how I feel.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I let her know this. Go ahead? No, go ahead.
Speaker 2: I always try to see the best, and people try
Speaker 2: to see where I could have done something wrong and
Speaker 2: try to see who this person is outside of their
Speaker 2: bad life. And that's usually how I cope with everything.
Speaker 1: That's how a seven year old thinks. They beat me,
Speaker 1: but they feed me, They yell at me, but they
Speaker 1: buy me. Pretty shoes. That's how a seven year old thinks.
Speaker 1: You're thirty. Spring into the present moment. And even if
Speaker 1: you have to say to yourself that I know that
Speaker 1: person hurts you, you didn't deserve that and you don't
Speaker 1: have to put up with it. Now, I'm going to
Speaker 1: take care of it.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 1: You have to learn how to take care of you
Speaker 1: because you didn't learn that as a child. Oh wow,
Speaker 1: And this is the perfect time to do that. I
Speaker 1: know you may think that you should have done it sooner,
Speaker 1: but you're at the perfect age and this is the
Speaker 1: perfect time to do it because you're moving into a
Speaker 1: new life cycle of your thirties. Thirty one has certain
Speaker 1: gifts and blessings, thirty two, thirty three. So this is
Speaker 1: the perfect time. And the only reason that you on
Speaker 1: this call with me today is because you're ready to heal.
Speaker 2: Wow. Today is today?
Speaker 1: Yeah, today is the day. And if you get a chance,
Speaker 1: I want you to go to wherever you do your shopping.
Speaker 1: I want you to get a copy of a book.
Speaker 1: The name of the book is until today, Until today.
Speaker 1: I want you to get a copy of that book. Okay,
Speaker 1: And there's a message in that book for every single
Speaker 1: day of the year, and you read those messages because
Speaker 1: you participated in your own abuse until today, and you
Speaker 1: were made loyal to people who treated you badly until today.
Speaker 1: And you believe that what happened to you didn't matter
Speaker 1: until today, and you didn't know your own value and
Speaker 1: worth until today. Until today, that's the name of the book.
Speaker 1: You get that, and you read. Okay, I appreciate you,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to wish you the best for your healing,
Speaker 1: not for your understanding. That'll come and do season in
Speaker 1: due time. Right now, healing, healing, that's what you need
Speaker 1: to be made whole again, That's what healing is to
Speaker 1: be made whole, because right now you're fragmented.
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, thank you.
Speaker 1: So tell me something you know now, tell me something
Speaker 1: you know now that you didn't know when you call.
Speaker 2: Me that I need to heal one and two, I
Speaker 2: would say that I have been an active participant and
Speaker 2: abuse and allowing someone to and now and now.
Speaker 1: You are, yes, And you have a commitment to me
Speaker 1: that within the next three minutes, because it's now twelve twelve,
Speaker 1: that you're going to block that abuser. You're going to
Speaker 1: block their number. Yes, that's a commitment. You're making to
Speaker 1: yourself as a sign of self love. Okay, so stop
Speaker 1: talking to me, get off the phone, and go block
Speaker 1: their number.
Speaker 2: Oh great, thank you all right.
Speaker 1: Much love to you. Blessings, blessings, blessings, thank you. I
Speaker 1: have really high hopes for my last caller. I believed
Speaker 1: her when she said she was done being a voluntary
Speaker 1: participant in the abuse in her life. And in an
Speaker 1: episode all about unlearning what your parents taught you as children,
Speaker 1: it is so important to recognize the frequency, the energetic
Speaker 1: frequency that you are putting out in your life, because
Speaker 1: people really will recognize and tune into the frequency of
Speaker 1: your energy. Very odd often the frequencies are energy. How
Speaker 1: we move in the world is based on how our
Speaker 1: parents showed us love when we were younger, whether what
Speaker 1: they showed us was good or bad. That's my next
Speaker 1: callers situation. Listen and you'll see what I mean. Greetings, beloved,
Speaker 1: welcome to the art spot. Thank you for your patience
Speaker 1: and what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma question that
Speaker 1: you have going on for us to dig into today.
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me in my relationship. I don't
Speaker 3: really know how to pandpoint it, but I am triggered
Speaker 3: a lot in my relationship with my fiance.
Speaker 1: I do feel like, what does that mean? I am triggered?
Speaker 1: What does that mean triggered?
Speaker 3: Like Okay, I guess so when something happens like I
Speaker 3: really get bothered by Bye, I'm really like trigger and
Speaker 3: I feel like that like self self reflections. I feel
Speaker 3: like me being triggered by things that he may do
Speaker 3: that maybe it's not what how, maybe he he how
Speaker 3: he moved, not how I want him to move. I
Speaker 3: feel like it's deeper things. It's deep, deep rooted. While
Speaker 3: I'm so triggered by every little thing, and I feel
Speaker 3: like we like he don't understand me or he like
Speaker 3: I was saying to your assistance, he loves me how
Speaker 3: he wants to love me, versus like how I feel
Speaker 3: like I need to be loved and he is a
Speaker 3: good provider. It's like financial though, and yes I love that,
Speaker 3: but I feel like on a deeper surface if I'm
Speaker 3: more than just financial now and I need like emotional support,
Speaker 3: you know, especially from like my traumbers and things of
Speaker 3: coming up or abandoning issues and rejecting from my father.
Speaker 3: So it that's always from like uh, then the guys
Speaker 3: that I've been dating like and I passed up until
Speaker 3: now I feel like it's like guys then like my.
Speaker 1: Dad, You've been dating men who are like your dad? Yes,
Speaker 1: and how was your dad? How was your dad?
Speaker 3: Financially? He ain't know how to actually love me, he
Speaker 3: thought just buying with love. So now me then old,
Speaker 3: getting older and more wiser as an adult. Okay, it
Speaker 3: worked it before, but it's like that doesn't that that's
Speaker 3: not the only thing that I need to feel loved.
Speaker 3: Now I'm identifying that because I think definitely triggered. So
Speaker 3: when I am speaking of these things or I'm looking
Speaker 3: for more to be loved or to just like providing financially,
Speaker 3: and if you're not showing up how I need him to,
Speaker 3: I'm triggered. Like I'm you know, I'm going off, like
Speaker 3: I'm upset or it's something every emotion like and I
Speaker 3: can't let it go, or my anxiety. I'm just trying
Speaker 3: to figure it out, like i'd be something like, Okay,
Speaker 3: when I'm not in a relationship, I be doing good
Speaker 3: and it's like, oh, I find myself. I'm happy with myself.
Speaker 3: But it's like every time did not get into relationship
Speaker 3: and it's like, oh, I gotta go healing again, Like
Speaker 3: I'm back, like kind of.
Speaker 2: Trying to find myself.
Speaker 3: I'm trying to articulate of you know, what that happened
Speaker 3: on the food, what it is or I just I.
Speaker 2: Know, But it's like trying.
Speaker 1: You got a lot going on. You got a lot
Speaker 1: going on, and you're trying to figure it out. And
Speaker 1: the same crazy brain that puts you into the situation
Speaker 1: is the same crazy brain that you're using to try
Speaker 1: to get yourself out. So I'm not laughing at you.
Speaker 1: I'm laughing with you because I've been there, done that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: been there, done that. This thing about triggered. It's it's
Speaker 1: interesting because people get language and then they they don't
Speaker 1: really know how to apply it. So what happens is,
Speaker 1: I mean, your communication was very clear. You date men
Speaker 1: who was like your father, and your father was transactional
Speaker 1: to show you he loved you, he'd buy you things.
Speaker 1: Is that accurate or because he provided money he expected
Speaker 1: you to accept that as his love.
Speaker 3: Yes, well, I felt to realize he didn't ever say that,
Speaker 3: but I kind of identified it on my own, like
Speaker 3: grown up and becoming an adults.
Speaker 1: He loved me by buying me things. Yes, so that
Speaker 1: may have been his love language. You know, there are
Speaker 1: five different love languages, five ways that people communicate their love,
Speaker 1: and one of them is buying gifts. And it sounds
Speaker 1: to me like your love language may be either quality
Speaker 1: time or showing affection. So the gifts don't speak to you. Yes,
Speaker 1: And it's really hard because most people don't stop to
Speaker 1: pay attention to what they where love language is or
Speaker 1: what their partners love language is. Some people, you don't
Speaker 1: ever have to buy them a gift because physical touch
Speaker 1: is the way they receive love. Other people, it's acts
Speaker 1: of service. If you're serving me, if you're supporting me,
Speaker 1: making me a cup of coffee. Other people, it's gift giving.
Speaker 1: They'll give you. They'll never hug you, touch you, but
Speaker 1: they'll buy you a gift. Other people, it's quality time.
Speaker 1: I want to spend quality time if we're just sitting
Speaker 1: looking at the hole in the wall, you know, and
Speaker 1: other people, it's affirmation. I need, you know, words of
Speaker 1: affirmation encourage me. So I don't know. You know what
Speaker 1: makes you feel loved, But it sounds to me like
Speaker 1: your father's love language. The way he expressed love was
Speaker 1: giving you gifts, but maybe what you wanted was affirmationation
Speaker 1: or touch or or quality time or you know. So
Speaker 1: you're attracting men that love you the way your father did,
Speaker 1: which is transa well, you know their love language was
Speaker 1: gift giving and you've accepted that. So what happens is
Speaker 1: when they're doing that, you're remembering this is the same
Speaker 1: thing my father did and I don't want this.
Speaker 3: Yes, so my honest anyone was Now he do show
Speaker 3: affection and he's touched and feel and he also by gifts.
Speaker 3: It's when I don't want to say things don't go
Speaker 3: my way. But when I'm like trying to have a
Speaker 3: say what's bothering me? Or maybe it's not I'm not
Speaker 3: affecting communicating because when I'm upset, like I'll get a
Speaker 3: like okay say this or he don't read your mind,
Speaker 3: say it, and I expect him to just know that
Speaker 3: I'm accepting, know why, or come to me and like
Speaker 3: blue baby, what's wrong? You know how I want him
Speaker 3: to do it? Like he he don't just come out
Speaker 3: and be like, oh wo, what's wrong. He might try
Speaker 3: to touch me or husban me, but no, I want
Speaker 3: you to talk to me. So I'm pushing them off
Speaker 3: because I guess that's how he's trying to, like, I guess,
Speaker 3: comfort me. But that's not how I want to be
Speaker 3: comfort I want him to canda in the sense like
Speaker 3: asks me or come to me and like what's wrong.
Speaker 3: And that sounds out to think it's something that you
Speaker 3: did that made me upset, but you're not looking at
Speaker 3: it like that, or when I say it's like, it's
Speaker 3: back on me.
Speaker 1: Well, again, you've got a lot going on. First of all,
Speaker 1: the way it sounds to me based on what you're sharing,
Speaker 1: you want intimacy, deeper communication, but that may not be
Speaker 1: the way he loves, so he doesn't know how to
Speaker 1: do that, and then you get upset with him because
Speaker 1: he's not doing what you want. Does that make sense? Yes?
Speaker 1: So what do we do now? We'll talk about that
Speaker 1: right after this break. Welcome back to the R Spot.
Speaker 1: We are continuing our conversation about unlearning what your parents
Speaker 1: taught you as children. So let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: You can't tell people how to love you. You have
Speaker 1: to be clear about the way they love and then
Speaker 1: decide if you want to participate in it. You can't
Speaker 1: tell him this is how I need you to love me.
Speaker 1: You can't tell him that because what if he's a
Speaker 1: poor communicator, what if he's a poor listener. You're trying
Speaker 1: to make him do something that he either doesn't want
Speaker 1: or doesn't know how to do. Here's the question. Your
Speaker 1: partner loves by giving gifts and showing affection. Is that
Speaker 1: enough for you? What triggers you is you're settling for
Speaker 1: less than you need or want. How about that? I
Speaker 1: know that, hit hole.
Speaker 3: That's why my anxiety just was going to rise before
Speaker 3: you from.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're settling for less than you need or want.
Speaker 1: You need someone that will communicate with you. You need
Speaker 1: someone that you can have emotional intimacy with. Now doesn't
Speaker 1: mean he can't give it to you, But you can't
Speaker 1: get mad at him because he doesn't. What you have
Speaker 1: to do is ask for what you need and what
Speaker 1: you want, and then watch to see his efforts to
Speaker 1: give it to you. Because getting upset with him and
Speaker 1: angry with him and going after him because you're not
Speaker 1: getting what you need or want will eventually become abusive
Speaker 1: and he's not gonna take that.
Speaker 3: I was listening to another podcast of yours and you
Speaker 3: may be like saying something a young lady is communicating
Speaker 3: effect with me, like you think, sort of cuddle up
Speaker 3: and in his black us up there, And I was like,
Speaker 3: why does things so hard for me to do? Like
Speaker 3: I just come up with this guard that like, or
Speaker 3: this pride. I guess my pride on my ego. I'd
Speaker 3: be feeling it and wanted to do it, but then
Speaker 3: I'll go back and see like this guard.
Speaker 1: Because you're angry at your dad and the way he
Speaker 1: loved you, and you've been love starved for so long,
Speaker 1: and now you've got this beautiful man who's doing exactly
Speaker 1: what your daddy did and the same way you couldn't
Speaker 1: say to your daddy. Daddy, thank you for the gifts.
Speaker 1: But I need you to affirm me. I need you
Speaker 1: to talk to me. I need you to listen to
Speaker 1: me the same way you couldn't do that as your dad.
Speaker 1: You think you can't do this with this man, and
Speaker 1: that pisses you off, so then you go for him.
Speaker 1: Poor thing. He probably thinks she's done some kind of nuts.
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And what will happen is you start to beat
Speaker 1: him up and beat him down no matter what he does,
Speaker 1: it's not enough no matter what he gives, it's not
Speaker 1: right no matter how he shows up, it's not good
Speaker 1: enough or what you want, and you'll start to beat
Speaker 1: him up and beat him down. And men can't take that.
Speaker 1: Do you love this man?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Then you have to tell him what you need and
Speaker 1: maybe y'all will have to get some counseling or support
Speaker 1: so that he can hear you. Chances are, you know
Speaker 1: how long have you all been together? Ooh? Chances are
Speaker 1: the broken part of you attracted him. So he may
Speaker 1: not be the one. He may be the one to
Speaker 1: show you where your breaks were. You may be able
Speaker 1: to communicate with him in a way, and he may
Speaker 1: be able to commit to shifting, changing, doing what's required
Speaker 1: that you can feel heard and seen and know that
Speaker 1: you're loved.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen. I tried that
Speaker 3: a couple of times. Why Because I tried that a
Speaker 3: couple of times. I don't really think he comprehends it. Well.
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm great intellectual and a deep talker,
Speaker 3: tell me conversation. I feel like he's the opposite. He'll listen,
Speaker 3: he'll sit down and listen and everything, But everything I say,
Speaker 3: and I can be calm saying it and everything articulately,
Speaker 3: and will he'll come back and just like he didn't
Speaker 3: understand anything I just said. But his response to be like,
Speaker 3: I don't eve and I just be like, oh my goodness.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because you attracted your father, that's where your radio
Speaker 1: was tuned to send me a man like my father,
Speaker 1: so that I can heal not feeling loved?
Speaker 3: How do I heal that part?
Speaker 1: First of all, you got to get clear about what
Speaker 1: you want. How do you want to be loved? What
Speaker 1: would it take for you to know that you are loved?
Speaker 1: I'll know I'm loved if my partner would see me,
Speaker 1: okay on me? What does that mean? Love on me?
Speaker 3: Make me a priority, make me feel like I'm not
Speaker 3: even just say it, but in actions as well, a
Speaker 3: priority in his life.
Speaker 1: But let me ask you a question. It's a hard question,
Speaker 1: all right, and I want you to think about it.
Speaker 1: Do you see you? Do you see every part of you?
Speaker 1: The good, the not good, the beauty, the power, the pimples,
Speaker 1: the warts. Do you see you? That would be a no.
Speaker 1: That would be a no because if you really saw you,
Speaker 1: and if you really knew you, And if you really honored, respected, embraced,
Speaker 1: accepted you, you wouldn't be with a man who doesn't
Speaker 1: do it. You wouldn't do you love you? I mean
Speaker 1: really love you. You're good, you're bad, you're up, you're down.
Speaker 1: Do you love you enough to know you deserve to
Speaker 1: have every single thing you want the way you want it?
Speaker 1: Do you love you that much?
Speaker 3: How good idea my actions is not shown?
Speaker 2: Ah? Yeah?
Speaker 1: So let me ask you this. Are you a priority
Speaker 1: in your own life? Are you your priority? No? Okay?
Speaker 1: So how can you expect him to give you something
Speaker 1: that you're not giving yourself? And that doesn't mean having
Speaker 1: your own way and having everything your way, It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that at all. But if you're coming into a
Speaker 1: relationship with another person broken expecting them to fix your break,
Speaker 1: they can never do enough, give enough, be enough, because
Speaker 1: the problem is inside of you. If you're not doing it,
Speaker 1: why are you expecting him to do it?
Speaker 2: So?
Speaker 1: He don't know, poor thing, bless his pointed head. He
Speaker 1: don't know. What do you think he would say to
Speaker 1: you if you were to say to him, come here, boo,
Speaker 1: let me tell you something. It doesn't feel like you
Speaker 1: see me or know me. It doesn't feel like you
Speaker 1: hear me when I'm talking to you. It doesn't feel
Speaker 1: like I'm a priority in your life or that my
Speaker 1: feelings matter to you. And we got to figure this
Speaker 1: out otherwise I'm gone. I'm not feeling loved or seen.
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I matter. What do you think
Speaker 1: he would say to you?
Speaker 3: I'm think he'll say, why you feel like that?
Speaker 1: Because I do? I don't know that. How can you
Speaker 1: love me if you don't see me? Come on, let's
Speaker 1: finish the conversation. How can you love me if you
Speaker 1: don't see me?
Speaker 3: Fortunately, I don't see how I don't see you.
Speaker 1: You don't see when I'm hurting. You don't see when
Speaker 1: I'm sad. I don't feel like a priority in your life.
Speaker 1: I know you buy me gifts and show me affection.
Speaker 1: I know you're a great provider, but there's something missing here.
Speaker 1: I'm not even sure what it is, but I know
Speaker 1: I don't have it.
Speaker 3: What would he say if you don't even know how to?
Speaker 3: And you think you understand.
Speaker 1: You want a man who can communicate, and you've got
Speaker 1: a man who can't, well, who doesn't know how to.
Speaker 1: Those three things that you said to me see myself,
Speaker 1: love myself, and make me a priority. I think if
Speaker 1: you focus on those three areas within yourself for yourself,
Speaker 1: even in the relationship, it'll get clearer to you about
Speaker 1: what you need to ask him for.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't even worried about and then not learning any
Speaker 3: confidence at about.
Speaker 1: Me yes, and learning what that means, you know, one
Speaker 1: of you know. One of the ways that I love myself.
Speaker 1: One of the ways that I love myself is I
Speaker 1: make sure that at least once a day I get
Speaker 1: to watch an episode of Law and Order. And when
Speaker 1: I can't find an episode of Law and Order, I
Speaker 1: go watch Blue Bloods because it just makes me happy.
Speaker 1: It don't make no sense. I don't have to be
Speaker 1: you know, spiritual or godly or wise. I just that
Speaker 1: makes me happy, and I got to do it. Don't
Speaker 1: talk to me. I'm watching Law and Order listening to
Speaker 1: Jack McCoy. Leave me alone, and I don't need anybody
Speaker 1: to approve or to accept or to just leave me alone.
Speaker 1: I'm watching I'm watching Jack right now. What are those
Speaker 1: things that you can do to fill yourself up so
Speaker 1: you don't need him to fill you up?
Speaker 3: Some of the self kid, things that wouldn't make me
Speaker 3: happy if I treating myself to going to a spa.
Speaker 3: How do I I'm trying, how I'm doing, how do
Speaker 3: I do that? The feel you know here of course,
Speaker 3: and he having the kids trying to focus on myself.
Speaker 1: Or you can say to him, you know what, I
Speaker 1: have the kids most of the time. I really appreciate
Speaker 1: you know, the help that you give me. But what
Speaker 1: I need is Thursday nights off from six to nine.
Speaker 1: I need you to be here, feed them, put them
Speaker 1: to bed, I'll cook whatever. But can we do that?
Speaker 1: That's that's a real simple request. And if he says no,
Speaker 1: I can't do that, or if he forgets two or
Speaker 1: three times, then what you do is you get a
Speaker 1: member of your posse. Can you keep my kids for
Speaker 1: me on Thursday nights? I go do whatever I need,
Speaker 1: do my nails, my toes, my feet, buys whatever. You
Speaker 1: turn to your posse and don't make your don't make
Speaker 1: it dependent upon him. I mean that would be nice,
Speaker 1: but the goal is for you to get what you
Speaker 1: need and he's gonna support you in.
Speaker 2: It or not.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I believe that on that inner happiness broke because
Speaker 3: I became so dependent on him because you do whateut
Speaker 3: I ax or give whatever I ax.
Speaker 1: Or dependent as opposed to appreciative. And again, he may
Speaker 1: not be the one, but you can't say that he's
Speaker 1: not the one if you are functioning from your broken places.
Speaker 3: Last thing, what if you help the right like White
Speaker 3: might not give him my father the letter, but just
Speaker 3: to wipe my father letter, like everything has tell stuff
Speaker 3: like that, do it away or whatever.
Speaker 1: And you need that absolutely. And then once you're all
Speaker 1: done with it and you got it all out, weep
Speaker 1: and cry and snotting all over the paper, take it
Speaker 1: and burn it, okay, and then begin to see your
Speaker 1: father differently. He did the best he could. He did.
Speaker 1: He loved you the way he knew how to love,
Speaker 1: and wanting him to love you any differently is not helpful.
Speaker 1: It's not going to turn out well for you. And
Speaker 1: that's exactly what you're doing with your partner. You want
Speaker 1: him to love you in a way that he may
Speaker 1: not know how to do. And it's unkind to ask
Speaker 1: somebody to do something that they don't know how to do.
Speaker 1: If you love this man, let him love you the
Speaker 1: way he loves you, and fill your own cup.
Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, thank you so much. I honest is so helpful.
Speaker 1: All right, I wish you the best. Thank you. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: bye bye. I am telling you. I am telling you.
Speaker 1: I am telling you. Whether you understand it or believe
Speaker 1: it or not, we all vibrate at a certain level.
Speaker 1: We send out energetic frequencies. We put out a frequency
Speaker 1: that says, this is how I've accepted love before, So
Speaker 1: come on in and repeat that pattern with me. And
Speaker 1: it's not until we accept and understand and recognize that
Speaker 1: we can change the pattern where we begin to attract
Speaker 1: what we really desire. If we decide that we need
Speaker 1: to change it, we can. Sometimes we are receiving healthy love,
Speaker 1: but we might not want to recognize it or accept it,
Speaker 1: so instead we're demanding to be loved in the way
Speaker 1: we know love in a certain way that we've become
Speaker 1: a to receiving love. But it's so important to learn
Speaker 1: that we can accept love in a healthy way. It's
Speaker 1: so important to learn that we can accept love in
Speaker 1: different ways, but it has to be healthy. There is
Speaker 1: absolutely nothing wrong with accepting a gift now and then. Okay,
Speaker 1: ha ha, but don't accept less than you deserve. I
Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you
Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.